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He went from his designated 9 hours of sleep down to 4, if even that. His mind seemed unable to just shut the fuck up, and sometimes he wanted to scream at the thoughts - stupid, unhelpful thoughts - swarming in his head to just DIE, but it only resulted in migraines and hyperventilation.
Sometimes he worked himself into exhaustion just for the miniscule chance of falling asleep that night.
He felt sick, restless and bone-tired. Not the kind of tired that he felt after particularly strenuous exercise, not even the kind of tired that came after almost dying. It was brand new, annoyingly excruciating feeling, that he couldn't bury deep inside, with all of the other confusing shit that's been going on.
- Dude, - Kirishima gasped, looking worried, - You look like shit.
And it might be a testament to how tired he felt, that he merely grumbled at him in response. He couldn't even muster the energy to snap.
***
Izuku watched Kacchan's back, worrying his lip with a slight frown.
He felt anxious in a way that he never felt before. Something was going on with Kacchan. Something was really wrong, but probably for the first time in his life, he had no idea what exactly it was.
He watched Kacchan closely over the past few days. Nothing seemed out of order on the first glance, but then dark circles under his eyes came into view. He looked tired. He looked like he needed a nap, which was ridiculous, because Kacchan treated his sleeping schedule very seriously. He always made sure to rest at night. Maybe it was the stress, then? Kacchan definitely seemed to overexert in training, with no visible reason. In battle, he was as ruthless as ever, but it felt strained, and then.
Izuku noticed him losing his balance, just a bit every now and then. He felt concerned, because Kacchan was extremely experienced and aware of his surroundings at all times. He also had perfect control over his body and power; every move, every step sufficient and calculated.
And then something even worse happened.
It was battle training, Kacchan against Kirishima. Kacchan managed to pin his friend to the ground and pressed even further to try and restrain him, but Kirishima-kun refused to give up, squirming in his hold while Kacchan desperately fought to hold his hands in place. The battle of wills continued for awhile, before suddenly Aizawa's capture weapon shot towards Kacchan, knocking him off his feet.
Only then Izuku, and everyone else including Kirishima and Kacchan himself, seemed to notice how smoke swirled up from Kacchan's hands, his searing hot palms raw from the burn of it.
Kirishima glanced at his arm, confused, but he was luckily unscathed thanks to his quirk - barely scorched outer layer of hardened skin crumbling off his arm in the form of sand and tiny pebbles.
Kacchan stared at his own hands, looking extremely put off, almost terrified.
Izuku couldn't breathe.
Kacchan never lost control of his quirk.
He's been going to quirk counselling since the day his quirk manifested, until the moment he mastered it to the point he didn't need anyone else to guide him any further.
Even as a child, he used his new power very responsibly, never using it against other kids, aware of how much he could hurt them. Sure, he might've popped small explosions to scare them off, or even threaten them into compliance with his wishes, when he was younger, but he never wished to deliberately hurt anyone.
And he knew he's hotheaded. His awareness of his explosive personality pushed him even further into craving control, as to balance out his temper, keep it from affecting his actions and inflicting permanent damage.
In 13 years that he had this quirk, Kacchan had never, not once, let his control slip.
Noone else seemed to understand what that implied; there was slight concern painting Aizawa's features, and Kacchan's friends looked a bit worried too, but most of all perplexed.
Izuku felt like throwing up. Something was wrong with Kacchan, and it wasn't just stress - Izuku could tell that much. It was something big, something that probably had been bothering him for longer than just the last few days, it had probably been going on for weeks, maybe months at that point, and Izuku never even noticed-
And he still had no idea what it was.
He couldn't wrap his head around the idea. How could he miss something so big that it would distract Kacchan so much? Is something going on at home? Izuku felt a pang of worry at that thought. If something happened to auntie and uncle... But he brushed it off almost immediately; he'd definitely hear something from his mom, if that was the case. So that's off the table.
What was it then? All of Kacchan's friends seemed to be doing fine. Though even if there was something wrong with his friends, Kacchan wouldn't be keeping it to himself. He'd confront the problem head first and tried to solve it, instead of suffering silently.
Was he suffering?
He seemed... unhappy, that's for sure. Bothered. Tense. Desperate.
He was probably bottling it up again, just like back then with AllMight's retirement.
And that was the most disturbing part; Kacchan was doing better. He's been nicer and softer lately, more willing to ask for help and accept it. What could possibly happen to set him years back in progress, make him retreat to old coping mechanisms?
Izuku honestly didn't know, and it was killing him. What the hell was going on?
Kacchan never told him.
The only way to find out is to ask, and Izuku just couldn't muster the courage. It was probably something awful, messed up and ugly and painful. As much as he hated seeing Kacchan like that, he'd hate to not be able to help, for Kacchan to refuse his help again, and shut down even more. If Kacchan would cut him off again just to avoid talking about what's bothering him so much, Izuku didn't think he could survive that.
So he won't ask, but it doesn't mean he will just sit there and do nothing.
***
It was 9PM and Katsuki was preparing for sleep when he heard insistant knocking at his door. He sighed and muttered swears at whoever decided to bother him now, but opened the door nonetheless.
Standing before him was Deku with a pillow and piled up comforters in hands, in his old AllMight hoodie that he used as pajamas nowadays. There was a severely determined expression on his face.
- What are you doing here? - Katsuki asked, too tired to deal with whatever this was.
- I'm camping in your room to watch you sleep, - Deku replied, squeezing past him to lay his bedding on Katsuki's floor.
- What the fuck, - Katsuki muttered, utterly baffled.
Deku fluffed up his pillow and then sat on top of the comforter, patting it as if inviting Katsuki to sit down with him.
Katsuki closed the door and just... stood there.
- First of all, perv-
- Kacchan! - Deku gasped dramatically. - I would never and you know it!
- -I knew you were a stalker, but that's just a whole new level of creepiness.
- Kacchan, - he pouted adorably.
Katsuki sighed and stumbled towards the make-up bed to plop down next to Deku.
- So? - he asked. - Is there an actual reason behind this whole thing?
- I told you already, - Deku looked at him, big round eyes all worried. - I'm here to make sure you're having enough sleep.
Katsuki went stiff.
- I'm fine, nerd, - he sighed, and then tried to deflect, - I'm pretty sure you're just trying to rope me into having a sleepover.
Deku blushed all over, his freckles shining bright like stars over the red of his cheeks in the soft dim lights of the room. Katsuki's lips curled into half-smile.
- Maybe just a tiniest bit, - Deku conceded, but then his eyes met red again, - but that's not the main reason.
Katsuki quirked up a brow at him. Deku bit his lip.
- You seemed distracted earlier today.
Of course. Of course Deku would notice his little slip up, of course he wouldn't know better than to stay out of it. That's Deku after all. Nosy little fucker.
Katsuki sighed, he couldn't even blame him for that. He was royally fucked and he knew it. He wouldn't be able to keep up the facade for much longer, with how things are going now.
He felt unbalanced. Irritated, mood swinging from rage to apathy multiple times a day. It was exhausting, and he didn't know what to do with it, and of course Izuku out of all people would notice and confront him about it.
Except the boy only sighed and grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly.
- Y'know, for someone who cares about their regimen so much as to keep themself at peak performance at all times, you're awful at taking care of yourself, - Deku's other hand pushed Katsuki's bangs out of his face, lightly brushing against his cheek for a moment.
Katsuki's breath hitched.
- Shut up, - he grumbled, and Deku snorted.
- You look tired, Kacchan, - he murmured softly.
"Yeah, no shit, I probably look like death warmed up", because he honestly had no idea when was the last time he looked in the mirror, "And I feel even worse than I look"
- Have you been sleeping well? - Deku asked, rubbing soothing circles on Katsuki's hand with his thumb.
He probably thought it was the nightmares again - most of Class A had nightmares since the first year, it was their new normal, they learned how to cope and help each other. And it's just so happens that Katsuki and Izuku were pretty familiar with each other's bad dreams, because each of them often presented in the other's nightmares. They rarely spoke about what they've seen in the dreams (both had a few ideas, after seeing each other wake up screaming more than a dozen times), mostly providing silent, physical support, finding comfort in each other's sole presence - staying together at night, bodies pressed close; or blindly staring at TV in the common rooms, talk shows merging together into background white noise, snuggled under the same blanket. Simple reminders that they both made it out alive.
They used to do it all the time in the second year, when it was most intense, so of course Deku would be concerned to find out hisfriend might be having nightmares again and won't go to him for comfort.
Katsuki sighed. This is stupid, whatever he does he ends up worrying Deku. So fuck it, half-truth is better than a full lie.
- Yeah, I guess I haven't been sleeping well. Prolly just too tired, - he conceded. Deku squeezed his hand again.
- It's okay, Kacchan. I'm just... I worry about you, y'know? You always try to look tough and brave and invincible, but I know it's not true, and sometimes... You don't take proper care of yourself. You're... not very good at being caring when it comes to yourself, - Deku said, voice painfully earnest and tender. He caressed Katsuki's cheek again. - You're not very kind to you, Kacchan, are you?
And something about that brought tears to his eyes, that he fought fiercely. He hated crying, he doesn't do crying, especially not with Deku here. So he held his breath as long as he could, through ache behind his ribs. He waited for the mist in his eyes to dry, for the sobs trying to escape his lips to die down, choking on the lump in his throat.
He was so, so tired. He wanted to lay down for a while. Close his eyes to make the world go away for the tiniest moment.
And there's just something about Izuku, the way he didn't blame him for feeling that way. The way he offered comfort and understanding, without even knowing what the problem was.
It's like he knew for sure that Katsuki wasn't kind to himself, so he decided to be kind for the both of them. He was really too kind, in every way possible.
Katsuki felt painfully open, baring his very soul, and loved by him, so wholly loved that he might as well be devoured by the feeling of it.
Katsuki breathed at last, clearing his throat to mask the awkwardness. He then noticed how badly his hands are shaking, and pulled his hand out of Deku's.
- Do you know... - Deku seemed to search for words, - Um, do you know if there's something that we could do? To help you sleep?
- Like what? - Katsuki asked, quite and hoarse.
- I don't know. Favourite show on the background and soft colorful lights? That's what helps me, anyways, - he looked thoughtful, and Katsuki already braced himself for the mumbling session that didn't come. - Tsu told me she sleeps with plushies.
Katsuki snarled.
- I don't sleep with plush toys.
- First of all, there's no shame in liking plushies! I know for a fact you still have your AllMight doll from when we were kids, - Deku accused, and Katsuki could only blush at that. - And! If it's helpful, why not utilize it? Tsu says she likes them because they're soft and comforting, they make her feel safer and less anxious. You could use some of that, - he nudged Katsuki.
- I'm not sleeping with a plushie! - Katsike yelled.
- Okay, okay, geez. You don't have to.
They fell silent for a moment, Deku trying to think of something else and Katsuki still recovering from his moment of vulnerability.
- Do you... - he seemed to hesitate, worrying his lip again - what a stupid habit.
- Deku. Spit it out already.
Deku sighed.
- Do you maybe want to sleep together? That used to calm you down after a nightmare before, - he offered gingerly, looking at Katsuki through his messy bangs.
He thought about it for awhile.
Sure, Deku was way more touchy and tactile since the beginning of third year. Katsuki barely tolerated that at first, but then... he grew to like it a little bit, maybe. It did funny things to his heart that made him worry about his health sometimes, but, overall, it was one of the good things. It showed that Izuku finally felt comfortable around him, even physically. So Katsuki let him, and leaned into it sometimes, to show he doesn't really mind it at all.
And they did sleep together, just like Deku said - not only after the war, but when they were kids too. It shouldn't be weird, Katsuki shouldn't make it weird.
- It's okay if you don't want to, - Deku interrupted his anxious thoughts, probably feeling awkward because of how long Katsuki stayed silent.
- No, - he found himself saying, - it's uh. I'd like that.
Deku smiled brightly at him, and then wriggled inside his cocoon of blankets. Silently, Katsuki dragged his own bedding to the floor, and then turned off all the lights and settled close to Deku.
He was warm. His breathing even and clear. Lying there, next to his shoulder, Katsuki found himself winding down. Without frantic energy that had kept him tense throughout the week, he felt even more exhausted, his body so tired every move felt like a chore.
He can't say how much time went by before he started to drift off, but Deku finally settled beside him, his head on Katsuki's shoulder. Everything was soft, and quiet, and peaceful.
His head was empty. Deku smelled like laundry detergent. Katsuki drifted away from reality.