Chapter Text
“I’m not sleeping,” he shared quietly, hooking his fingers together. Chuckling, he added, “I think I’ve forgotten how.”
Renata smiled gently. “Are you following a bedtime and sleep routine?”
“I’m trying,”he said with frustration. “I lock up the house, check on the girls, get a glass of water. Then I go to the bedroom, test my blood sugar, brush my teeth, take a piss and wash my hands. I put on my pajamas, climb into bed, and read for half an hour before I turn out the light…and then I lay in the darkness and contemplate the last seventeen years of my life.”
“All seventeen,” she noted, jotting something down on her notepad. “That’s a lot to contemplate.”
He snorted. “Well, I usually have about seven or eight hours to do so…”
“I want to suggest something to you,” she said, and he turned his head to look at her, to show he was paying attention. “I think it’s time for you to set some boundaries for yourself. You’ve told me it’s not helpful to spend the entire night mulling over your relationship with Sonny, but we both know it’s normal to want to do exactly that. You need to decide how much time each night is reasonable for you to dedicate to this, and then give yourself that time. How much do you think is reasonable at this point, Rafael?”
“None,” he replied irritably. “I wish I wasn’t thinking about him at all.”
He watched as she sat back in her chair, looking at him through her purple cat’s eye glasses. For a moment, he wondered if she ever considered different frames. “Is that reasonable?” she asked.
He closed his eyes as his chest tightened. It was hard to talk about Sonny to anyone still, which was why he’d only talked about his husband to her. He trusted Renata to help guide him through this. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “Part of me is so furiously angry with him that I don’t wanna think about him ever again. But part of me…” He opened his eyes and sighed heavily. “When I said my wedding vows sixteen years ago, I meant every word of them.And I can tell you, still, today, I have never loved anyone the way I love Sonny, and I can’t imagine ever having that kind of feeling about anyone else. It’s the most unique, intense, beautiful feeling I’ve ever had, and every night, as I’m lying there, I’m just trying to figure out how we got here. Why he’s in Oklahoma and I had no clue he wanted to leave. How so much was obviously going on in his inner world that I had no idea about. I mean, I think he still loves me…he swore this was about him, figuring himself out and finding himself again. I guess I knew he was grieving, but I didn’t realize he was so…lost.”
“Do you think you’re going to fix him during your sleeping hours?”
Rolling his eyes, he replied, “Okay. Point taken.”
“At the same time, though, you’re adjusting to a painful new normal. Even if Sonny plans to come back in a year, you need some strategies to get you through the next fifty-two weeks. So I really do want you to think about this, Rafael…how much time each night are you willing to dedicate to thinking about Sonny and your relationship with him?”
Sighing loudly, Rafael stared at the coffee table for several minutes. The question seemed ridiculous, so maybe his answer should be, too. “Seventeen minutes,” he finally replied. “A minute for every year he gave me. Then, if we’re still together next year, it’ll be eighteen minutes!”
He ended with a delightful enthusiastic tone, but Renata didn’t smile. Instead, she got up, grabbed a large piece of blank newsprint and a handful of markers, and lay it on the coffee table in front of him. “What the hell is this?” he asked. “I didn’t know I signed up for art class.”
“How do you feel right now?” she asked. “Give me one word.”
“Irritated,” he answered.
“Write it,” she directed. “Write the word in the color and the size that you feel it should be. If you’re really irritated, you might write the word in orange and take up a good amount of space. If you’re super irritated, you may write it in red and cover the whole paper with it. Up to you.”
He grabbed the red, shot her a nasty glare, then printed the word IRRITATED taking up a large amount of paper. “That’s for you,” he announced, sounding like a petulant child.
“Fair enough. What if it were Sonny? What word would you use?”
He paused for just a moment. “Frustrating,” he finally answered, grabbing the orange and writing it in large print.
“What other words come to mind? How else do you feel about him?”
“Angry.” He picked up the red and wrote angry, as large as frustrated was.
Next came confused, shut out, depressed, grieving, selfish, asshole, inconsiderate, and lost.
“Anything else?” Renata asked, as they both inspected the now-full paper.
“What are you gonna do with this?” Rafael asked, lifting an eyebrow.
She folded her hands. “What do you want to do with it?”
“Burn it,” he immediately said, then ran a finger over the word lost. “Or put it away…I don’t want anyone to see it…to know I said some of these things about my husband…”
“We can do that,” she responded quietly. “Whatever else you want to add, you can add it, Rafael. Remember, no wrong answers here. The paper has no names on it, and it will be folded up and put away until another time.” Noting his eyes were tracking the words he’d just written, she decided to push just a little bit more. “It’s safe to say it here,” she added, and watched as he slowly picked up the black marker and wrote, currently a shitty daddy.
“I can’t…I shouldn’t…neither of the girls have said that In fact all they say is ‘poor daddy, he’s so sad’ or ‘I hope daddy feels better soon, maybe we should send him a present’”--
“You are raising compassionate, kind people, Rafael. What a testament to your parenting–”
He chuckled again, but this time it broke on his tears. “Does he deserve all of that? He left his children, Renata…a week after MImi realized he was her daddy, he bolted. And I just wonder not only what that says about him, but what it says about me…I married him. I had children with him…not even once, but twice, we adopted. I never thought he’d just up and leave me like this. Even if it’s only for a year…who does that without talking first with their spouse? Who…” He crumbled into tears, holding his face in his hands.
She moved the tissue box next to him and sat patiently, allowing him to cry for as long as he needed. Finally he reached for them. “Seventeen minutes?” he managed to get out. “I’m only supposed to do this for seventeen minutes?”
He knew the strategy. They’d used it before. He’ll use seventeen minutes each night to think about whatever he wanted related to Sonny, and then that’s it. He’s supposed to find ways to think about or do other things. Surprisingly, it worked
Now, Renata smiled at him. “We both know that’s going to be hard at first. But remember, the goal is to help take better care of yourself. And you set that goal because why?”
He shuddered. “Because I need to be the adult here. I need to take care of my girls…and myself.” He looked up at her. “Because I deserve it?”
The therapist nodded. “That’s right. Our time is up today, but I want you to remember you can call me any time, Rafael. You have my card?”
He opened up his wallet and showed her, and she nodded. “I’ll see you next week. Call if you need to.”
“Thanks, Renata.” Giving her a sad smile, Rafael exited her office, feeling only marginally better than he had when he’d entered.
*****
“Pahpeee,” Mimi whined as soon as he stepped inside of the apartment. Within seconds her little arms were wrapped tightly around his thighs. “Sissy was mean ta me! She won’t let me have a snack!”
“Oh please!” Marley replied sharply. “I offered you apple slices with peanut butter or a banana with peanut butter, and you said no to both!”
Looking up to Rafael, she stuck her bottom lip out and looked even more pitiful. “Cause I like them with choco chips, like you make,” she pouted, then reached her arms up. “You hold me, Papi? I misseded you very, very much.”
“Of course, baby,” he told her, scooping her up in his arms. “Did you have any snack at all?”
She shook her head. “I jus’ wanted to wait for you. You make me good snack!”
Marley rolled her eyes. “Fine. Next time somebody else can watch you, since I’m so horrible.”
“Marley,” he called exasperatedly as she stomped to her room, slamming the door. Looking at the child in his lap, he frowned. “You need to be nice to your sister, too, baby. She was trying hard to help you and to help me, too. It’s not nice to tell her no over snack like that–Papi will make you another snack tomorrow, and you can have the chocolate chips then.”
Her frown turned into an impressive pout. “But I hungwy, Papi! I waited for long an’ long an’ longer for you cause I just weally, weally want choco chips…pwease? Pwetty pwetty please?”
“Fine.” He got up and went into the kitchen, shuffling through the pantry shelf. Returning with the chocolate chips, he put a few in a tiny bowl for her, then tossed a handful into his mouth before putting them back. That’s gonna mess up your blood sugar, a voice inside dared to comment.
Like I give a fuck right now, he thought angrily, then set the small bowl on the table for Mimi.
“Thank you, Papi!” she squealed excitedly. “Thank you thank you thank you! You the very BEST papi in the whole wide WORLD!”
“Don’t forget that, the next time you get mad,” he told her, winking with an energy he didn’t have. Suddenly a scent entered his mind; he knew from experience it was his husband’s asiago chicken. He made it in the crockpot, and it was a family favorite. Spinning around quickly, he saw the crockpot sitting on the kitchen counter, and for a moment, just a moment…
He turned around and scanned the apartment, looking for other signs of Sonny. But his keys were resting on the rack where Rafael had left them, and Sonny’s coat and shoes were absent from their usual resting places near the door. Absently, he lifted the lid on the crockpot and took a long whiff.
“Daddy, this is always so good! You’ll have to teach me how to make it,” Marley told Sonny, and he grinned at her.
“Sure, dolly. It’s very easy. I bet you can make it from now on, if you want! I’ll walk ya through
it.” Glancing at his husband, he winked, and Rafael felt it shoot straight to his heart.
“Tan you teach me sumpfin?” Mimi asked from her high chair, looking hopeful, and Sonny chuckled.
“Whaddya say that I teach you how to make a pb&j?” he asked, tweaking her nose.
“I say YES, Sahdo! Hey Sissy, guess what? Sahdo gonna teach me to make a bee and jay! Dat gonna be so tool!”
“Well, I know I’ve always wanted Soleado to teach me how to make that,” Rafael remarked with a wide grin, until Sonny playfully nudged him.
“What are you talkin’ about? You taught me everything I know—”
“Ugh, you guys are so gross!” Marley announced, plugging her ears. “I can’t believe you guys still DO stuff like that! You’re so OLD!”
Sonny nudged Rafael, mouthing, “I don’t think you’re old”, then squeezed his hand, and Rafael realized he felt about sixteen.
“Marwee made that,” Mimi said, and Rafael suddenly returned to earth, realizing he was holding the lid of the crockpot.
“She did?” he asked. “How nice of her.” He put the lid back on, making a mental note to thank his oldest daughter for taking on the task of dinner tonight.
*****
Leaving Mimi’s bedroom, he closed her door and stretched, then checked the baby monitor. It had taken nearly an hour to get her to settle down tonight, and every time he tried to leave her side, she’d had a complete meltdown. “Don’t leave me, Papi!” she’d wailed. “I don’t want you ta go…I’m scared! I’m scared!’ The worst part of it was that he knew every word of it was true. She was traumatized by Sonny’s actions and too little to even voice it all through her words. Dammit, Sonny.
Marley’s door was open, so he knew she was probably in the kitchen. It was past nine, so he couldn’t imagine anything else she’d be doing, but as he rounded the corner, he saw she was on her phone. She was listening to whoever was talking, but when she saw Rafael, she spoke into the receiver..
“Yeah, I just needed to know you’re okay is all. Sorry if I bothered you.” There was a moment of silence again, and Rafael watched as his daughter’s head dropped and tears formed in her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know…yes. Okay. I love you too, Daddy. Bye.” She hung up the phone, then glanced at him almost guiltily. “I was missing him, and he’d told me I could call him any time, so I did…I’m sorry if you’re mad that I was supposed to be off of it already.”
He shook his head. “No, I’m not mad. If Daddy said you can call him whenever you want, then that’s the rule. You can call him whenever you want, Marlene. I would never tell you that you cannot talk to your dad, okay? Understand?”
“Yeah.” She sniffled. “Papi…do you really think he’s gonna come back in a year?”
Rafael felt his stomach clench and his eyes well. He had no idea what Sonny would do anymore. After this past weekend? He wouldn’t dare predict anything about his husband.
But Marley was looking at him expectantly. With eyes full of hope and love for her daddy, and Rafael couldn’t let her down. So he forced out , “Of course he will, princesa. Can you really imagine your daddy doing anything else? He loves you more than life.”
She nodded, then grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. Standing, she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. “I love you, Papi. Thanks for not gettin’ mad at me.”
“I love you too, Marlene,” he reassured her, kissing the top of her head. “Go on to bed.”
*****
He lay staring at the ceiling, one hand absently running through his hair. It’s not about you…it’s not your fault. You can’t be expected to read his mind. You’ve been a good husband–you contribute to the household, take care of the girls, spend as much time with him as you’ve been able…could that be it? Not enough time together? But that’s not really my fault…it’s his hours that have cut down on our time together. I suggested months ago he quit…he didn’t want to…I get that. I hate walking out on things I’ve committed to, also.
He sighed, then rolled over, now staring at the wall.
I wonder if he’s found a place yet. When he called the other night, he mentioned looking for something small over the next couple days. I can’t believe they’re going to pay him a hundred and ten, starting. And in Oklahoma. Jesus. Wonder if it’s because he’s white.
Suddenly his alarm went off, and he tapped it to stop. Laying back down, he closed his eyes, determined to think of something else. I can’t believe they cancelled Judge Judy from network TV after all these years, he thought, then grinned. And yet, the old woman lives on. She’ll stream forever! There’s some wisdom in that old gal’s thinking. God, I remember that time when we were first dating and Sonny found her on my queue…I thought he might walk out, but he just laughed. He still has the greatest laugh…FUCK. Dammit, why is this so hard??? Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck it…
He heard the doorknob squeakily turn one way and then the other, and Mimi appeared, slowly tiptoeing over to him. “Papi?” she whispered. “I missin’ you…can I sleep in here with you?”
Reaching over to touch her hair, he whispered back, “Sure. I was missing you too.”
Eagerly, she climbed onto the bed and he curled himself up to avoid a knee in the groin as she made her way across the mattress to the other side. “Can I sleep in Sahdo’s place?” she asked, then shook her head and laughed. “I mean Daddy! Can I sleep wight here?”
“That’s perfect, sweetheart,” he told her, rolling over to face her. She lay down quietly and smiled at him, then closed her eyes.
He was nearly asleep when he heard, “Papi? You not gonna leave us too, wight?”, and Rafael wasn’t sure if it was anger or heartbreak that he was feeling.
“No, Mimi,” he replied in his regular voice. “I’m staying right here with you and Marlene. All three of us, always, baby.”
She grabbed onto his index finger then and held it tightly. “I knowed you would say that, Papi,” she whispered, then closed her eyes again and fell asleep.