Work Text:
“You should tell your fellows we’re dating.” Wilson had walked into his office without so much as knocking, very uncharacteristic of him.
“If they haven’t figured it out by now…” House trails off. Wilson had accidentally given him a really stupid idea, as he always did.
Wilson picks up on the familiar twinkle in House’s eyes, the one that meant he was about to enact a plan that at the very least inconvenienced many people.
“Oh no. House, what do you have planned this time?” he asks, a hint of playfulness hidden under the concern in his voice.
“I bet you $200 that it takes them at least three weeks to figure it out, starting with me telling them I’m dating someone.” House gives his boyfriend a sly smile, daring him to accept.
“Oh, you’re on. One week.” Wilson states with confidence.
“If my kids are so stupid that they can’t even figure out I’ve been dating the head of Oncology for 2 years, I don’t know how they’ve kept their jobs this long,” House remarks snidely.
“Thirteen knows,” Wilson points out.
“That’s because gays can sniff out other gays from a mile away.” House counters with a smirk. Wilson shrugs in resignation.
Wilson has migrated from the door of the office to leaning over House’s desk, their faces inching closer together. House gives Wilson a look, daring him to close the space between them, despite the complete lack of privacy in the glass-walled office. The younger man looks behind him, checking for an audience. He then leans in to kiss his boyfriend.
The kiss is short, but it veils desire. House attempts to deepen it, when they hear footsteps in the hallway. They both frantically pull away from each other and make small movements to straighten their shirts. House’s fellows walk in, and the pair have made themselves presentable.
“Forty-six year old man, presented with hypertension, headaches, shortness of breath, weight loss, intermittent tachycardia, and blurred vision.” Chase announces proudly, dropping the file onto House’s desk.
“Migraines,” House states, unimpressed.
“Wouldn’t explain the tachycardia or hypertension,” Thirteen says.
“Migraines, causing panic attacks,” House remains stoic, and unimpressed.
“Wouldn’t explain the weight loss. Or the hypertension,” Foreman declared, a smirk forming in the corners of his mouth.
“Migraines and…” House can’t think of another explanation. He sighs in defeat, and picks up the file.
Wilson had been sitting on the edge of House’s desk during the interaction, and uses House and his team migrating to the conference room as an opportunity to make a quick escape.
“What were you and WIlson talking about?” Chase questions.
“Whether we should wait until after we’re married to have kids” House quips. Chase fakes a laugh, and opens the patient's file.
“What causes” House uncaps his whiteboard marker and begins to write “headaches, not migraines, decreased lung capacity, weight loss, tachycardia, and vision problems?”
The fellows sit around the table, not coming up with a single diagnosis. House becomes increasingly annoyed with them, urging them to just blurt out anything they think of.
“Hyperthyroidism,” Thirteen says after a moment. House considers it, thinking of a reason to call her an idiot and move on. He can’t, so he orders Taub and Chase to run a blood panel, and Foreman to take a medical history.
This leaves Thirteen sitting at the table alone. She gets up to leave, but as she steps towards the doorway, House calls out to her.
“Those idiots still don’t know me and Wilson are an item.” Thirteen turns around to face him. “Still? God, straight people really are oblivious to everything.” House lets out a dry laugh, agreeing with her.
“So,” he continues, “I’m going to make a game out of it.” Thirteen is extremely unsurprised. “I’m gonna tell them I’m in a relationship, which will obviously make them think I’m not in a relationship. After I mention it a couple times, though, they’ll start to get suspicious.” Thirteen nods along, unimpressed with his childish plan so far.
“They’ll go to the one person they can trust for information about me; Wilson.” Now, Thirteen can see where his plan is leading.
“Wilson will inconspicuously confirm their suspicions, which will leave them tripping over themselves trying to figure out who it is.”
“So, why are you telling me this?” Thirteen asks.
“The Oblivious Stupid Straight Doctors will definitely try to involve you in their puzzling,” House laughs.
“If you don’t tell them the truth, and also don’t lead them astray, I’ll cut you in on my bet with Wilson.”
“What exactly does this bet involve?”
“Wilson bet $200 that it’ll take less than a week for them to find out. I obviously think it’ll take them at least three. Whoever wins, you get fifty of it.” Thirteen considers the entertainment value, and gladly accepts. Before she leaves, she adds one more condition to the bet.
“I get an extra twenty-five if it’s Chase.”
—-
Half an hour later, the fellows come back with their test results and history.
“He’s not on any medications, he hasn’t had any illnesses or infections in the past 6 months, and he hasn’t left the country in 3 years,” Foreman sighs, annoyed.
“No abnormal thyroid-stimulating hormones,” Chase remarks.
House crosses hyperthyroidism off the whiteboard.
“Can’t anybody think of anything?” He heaves a sigh. “I spent $150 on a date last night and now the dimwits I hired can’t do a simple differential.”
“If by ‘date’ you mean ‘hooker’, that’s plausible.” Foreman punctuates his sentence with air quotes.
“Nope.” House asserts. “A date date. Flowers and everything.”
“Mm-hmm.”Chase is sceptical, as are the others. House turns around to look at his blackboard.
“Okay, since you’re all idiots, do a CT.”
“Of…what?” Taub questions.
“Everything,” House responds. “Brain, heart, lungs, abdomen. And do an eye exam, see if his vision problems are psychological or not. And check his white blood count. If it’s elevated at all, start broad-spectrum antibiotics.”
As the fellows walk out, Thirteen gives House a knowing look, to which he responds with a theatrical bow.
Wilson walks into House’s office for the next morning, while his kids are off getting the results of every CT they ran.
“Wow, you really can’t get enough of me, huh,” House remarks as Wilson comes back and sits on the closer side of his desk, so he can kiss the man more easily.
As Wilson leans in, House grabs his collar with both hands and pulls him closer, closing the distance between their mouths in a second. House kisses him with affection and emotion he rarely, if never, shows in public. Wilson pulls back, but before he can bring himself to question the intensity of the kiss, House pulls him in again, running his hands through the younger man’s hair. They continue for around five minutes, before House willingly pulls away for the first time.
Wilson is even more confused, until he hears a faint sound in the hallway. Panicked, he jumps off the desk and makes a futile effort to fix his hair, tie, collar, and lab coat. Too soon for Wilson to completely fix his appearance, House’s fellows walk in. Chase, Taub, and Foreman try, and fail, to hide the confusion and shock on their faces, while Thirteen hides a smile.
“I.. was just leaving.” Wilson tries to hide his shortness of breath as he gives House an evil look and practically sprints for the door. Foreman is the only one who has the courage to ask what the other two are thinking.
“What the hell were you and Wilson doing in there, wrestling?”
“Making out,” House states as if he were making an offhand comment about the weather. Foreman rolls his eyes, as does Taub. Chase, however, notices House has less of his usual sarcastic tone than he does when he makes jokes like those. If he suspects something, he doesn’t say it, and they continue with the differential.
“So, what did the CT’s show?” House inquires.
“Absolutely nothing,” Taub sighs, exhausted.
“How can so many CT scans show nothing?” House asks incredulously. Foreman reluctantly stands up and hands him the results of all the scans.
“Nothing.” He says, as he sits back down.
“So what didn’t we scan?” House asks.
“Forget that for a second,” Chase interjects. “Who the hell are you dating?”
“You really believe his stupid lies?” Foreman looks at Chase as if he suddenly grew horns.
“Foreman, look at his neck.”
House makes an insincere effort to cover his neck, or more specifically…
“Hickeys?” Taub is shocked almost beyond words.
“Wow.” Thirteen states simply, trying to blend in with her coworkers’ shocked faces.
Foreman is about to ask one of the thirty questions in his head, when all their pagers go off simultaneously.
“Our patient has a rash covering his arms and legs. Most likely a reaction to the antibiotics.” Chase glares at House in annoyance.
House sighs. “Go fix it.” His fellows rush out. He walks to Wilson’s office, as the next part of his plan seems to be coming up soon.
“At some time today, my fellows will come barging in here demanding to know who I’m dating. You” he points his cane at Wilson for dramatic effect “are not allowed to give them any information, besides the fact that I am, indeed, in a committed relationship.”
He can see the gears turning in Wilson’s head, before he smiles and agrees.
“And,” House starts up again, “you can’t tell them I’m dating a man.”
Wilson’s smile falls.
“God damn it, House,” he laughs.
—-
House’s fellows take the patient off antibiotics, and treat his rash. With House off wandering somewhere in the hospital, most likely avoiding Cuddy, they discuss his romantic life.
“There’s no way House could stay in a long-term relationship,” Chase laughs.
“Why don’t we go ask Wilson?” Foreman offers.
“How do we know he’s not just on House’s side?” Taub objects.
“Do you think Wilson would ever give up an opportunity to make one of House’s pranks fail?” Thirteen states. The rest nod in agreement, and they make their way to the Oncology ward.
“Who the hell is House dating?” Chase doesn’t greet Wilson as he walks in, the other three fellows close behind him.
“Hello to you too, Chase.”
“We know he’s dating something, we saw him with hickeys,” Foreman says, rather aggressively. Thirteen is the only one who picks up on the way Wilson’s cheeks flush ever so slightly at the mention of his.. handiwork.
“Okay, fine. I will admit that House has been in a serious relationship for a solid amount of time. I can’t tell you who it’s with though.” He smirks at the end of his sentence, as he sees the excitement fall from their faces.
“Do we know her?” Chase asks quickly. Wilson takes a minute to fake wondering about his question, before stating “I think you do know House’s partner, yes.”
They thank Wilson before leaving his office.
They walk back to the conference room, where they find House waiting for them.
“Well!” He exclaims, getting up from his chair, “My children have arrived.”
“We know you’re in a serious relationship, House. And, we know that she works here.” Taub looks smugly at him.
“Wow, you’re quite the little detective, aren’t you Taub? Emphasis on little.” House makes his way over to the whiteboard.
“So,” he starts, “what haven’t we scanned?”
“Depends what you’re looking for,” Foreman responds. They sit in thought for a few moments, until Thirteen chimes in. “If it’s not a thyroid issue, maybe it’s adrenal? Pheochromocytoma.” “What about the vision issues?” Foreman points out. “In some cases, pheo presents with blurred vision,” Thirteen states, self-assured. House looks at her for a couple seconds, then states “Wow, are you on a roll. CT his kidneys.”
As they all get up to leave, House stops them.
“You only need one bisexual to do a CT, right?” He smiles at Thirteen as she walks out the door. Chase, Foreman, and Taub stay in the office.
“Now,” he starts, “I will be taking guesses on my dating life, since you’re all so curious.” He leans back in his chair.
“Why did you let Thirteen go?” asks Taub.
“She’s got her own really hot dating life to attend to.” House states simply.
“What department does she work in,” Chase asks immediately.
“Sadly, my dear token Australian, telling you that would make it much easier for you, and we can’t have that, can we?” House stands up and leads them into his office.
The three men stand in silence for a minute, while House spins around in his desk chair.
“Oh my god.” Foreman is incredulous. “It’s Cuddy.”
Chase and Taub look at eachother, then at Foreman. They don’t know if they should feel stupid that they missed it, or stupid for believing for a second that House could actually be dating Cuddy.
“Unfortunately, as much as I would have loved Foreman to be right, he isn’t.’ House simply states.
“Unless it’s Cameron, I can’t think of anyone else you might be dating in this hospital.” Foreman laughs.
House and Foreman notice the way Chase tenses up at the mention of Cameron’s name, and the latter makes a mental note to apologise.
“Too soon,” says House, in a stage whisper.
Foreman steps closer to House’s desk and asks,“seriously House, we don’t know any other women here who even tolerate you.”
The corner of House’s mouth twitches when Foreman says that, without any of the three men noticing.
—-
The next morning, Thirteen walks into House’s office with the results of their patient’s CT.
“Nothing.” She sighs, dejectedly.
“How the hell is this guy so sick but nothing shows up on any kind of scan?” House is starting to lose his patience at this point.
“Maybe we should do a-”
“If you even suggest a full-body scan, I will make sure every woman in this hospital thinks you shower once a month.” Taub is cut off by House’s angry voice.
“Wow.”
Chase walks in, a few minutes late, and turns to Thirteen.
“Are you dating House?”
Taub, House, and Foreman turn around, in extreme confusion. Thirteen freezes for a moment before breaking out into hysterical laughter.
“Why the hell would you think that?” She asks, in between gasps for air.
“You’re the only other woman I could think of who tolerates him, and he left you out of the discussion about his girlfriend,” Chase exclaims, in his defence. He turns to House.
“Was that at least closer than my other guesses?”
House takes a moment to ponder the question.
“That was closer, but probably not the way you meant it to be.”
“... what.”
House simply smirks.
“You’ll find out eventually.”
House’s fellows burst into Wilson’s office, for the second time in two days. This time, they find House in there, looking at them slightly suspiciously. He simply waves at them, and makes an exit.
“House should really teach you guys some manners,” the oncologist jokes.
Thirteen hands him the CT scan of their patient’s kidneys.
“Do you think there could be any kind of micro tumour on there that’s causing his symptoms?”
“Forget that for a second. Who the hell is House dating? I can’t take it anymore.” Chase looks exasperated.
“You still haven’t figured it out, huh?” WIlson says with a coy smile.
“Oh my god, Chase, can your gossip wait ten seconds?” Thirteen pushes in front of him to talk to Wilson.
“I was sure it was a pheochromocytoma, but there’s absolutely nothing on the CT. I don’t get it,” Thirteen walks over to his couch and slumps into it.
“I can’t give you an answer, just because I don’t know enough. But I will say, from experience, that a lot of answers can be so close to what you suspect, but then you're… really far off.” WIlson leans back in his chair and looks at her.
Thirteen and Chase both develop a look of realisation and run out of the room.
Taub and Foreman look at eachother, extremely confused. They each apologise to Wilson, and follow their coworkers out of the room.
The first two doctors reach their boss’ office at the same time.
“I know who you’re dating,” Chase yells.
“I know what’s wrong with our patient,” Thirteen exclaims simultaneously.
House turns around to look at them.
“Chase’s epiphany seems more interesting, but Thirteen’s seems more pressing.” He states, but he seems slightly upset he can’t hear Chase’s theory first.
Taub and Foreman have moved to the back corner of the office, thoroughly entertained.
“Adrenal medullary hyperplasia,” Thirteen states, extremely proud of herself. When House doesn’t seem to agree with her immediately, she continues.
“It mimics all the symptoms of a pheo, but without the actual pheo.” House looks at her, processing the information she presented and the smug look on her face. When he still fails to speak, she offers more.
“I learned about it on my endocrinology rotation. Extremely rare, but, isn’t that what we do here?”
“Wow. That was,” he stands up,”thoroughly impressive.”
“I only got that a minute before you did, that might be a record.” He smirks at her.
“Now,” he continues, “Chase. Tell me your stupid idea.”
“Wilson.” Chase looks at his boss.
“What?” Taub’s head is spinning.
“Wilson,” Chase states, again.
“Wow.” House walks around his desk to look at Chase.
“I never,” House starts, looking at Taub and Foreman, “thought you would guess it so quickly.” He gives a slight, almost indiscernible smile.
“What?” Foreman and Taub exclaim, almost in unison.
“Come on, I thought you were brilliant doctors. How did I hire such idiots?”
“So, wait a second,” Foreman steps forward. “Yesterday? In here?”
“Oh we were absolutely making out.” House lets a full smile break out on his face for the first time that week (and probably that month).
Foreman shudders in feigned disgust, while Thirteen finally lets go of the laughter she’s been holding in for three days.
The three younger men looked at her, before looking at House.
“She knew, didn’t she,” Chase asks, slightly annoyed.
“Of course she knew, you idiot. She realised I was bi the second I hired her.” House stands next to Thirteen, as if they’re some kind of pair of bi geniuses.
“I’m actually surprised you didn’t get it sooner,” he smirks.
“Why is that?
“You're so gay with Foreman, I thought that was on purpose,” he shrugs.
“Wilson!” House yells down the hall. “They figured it out!”
The oncologist walks into the office.
“Yeah, about that. I may have… accidentally helped Chase.”
House slowly turns around to face him.
“He just told me that you can simultaneously be close to an answer and far from it.” Chase attempts to defend Wilson.
“If it helps, I also helped Thirteen diagnose your patient.” Wilson walks towards his, now public, boyfriend.
House looks around him towards Chase, and offers a sincere “Well done.”
Chase turns to walk out the door, hopefully to go treat their patient. Before he leaves, he turns around.
“Also, your shirt’s buttoned wrong.” He smiles and leaves.
House turns to Wilson.
“Since you practically gave Chase the answer, I am not going to pay you.” Wilson frowns.
“But,” he continues, “I won’t make you pay me, since you also accidentally helped my patient.”
Wilson takes House’s hand, silently happy they can finally show affection in public. They walk out of the office together, leaving Thirteen, Taub, and Foreman.
Thirteen yells out to the two of them in the hallway, “what about my $75?”
When neither of them answer, Taub and Foreman turn towards her to ask any questions that come to their minds.
—-
House and Wilson started kissing a lot more after that, and Thirteen never got her $75.
:)