Work Text:
Charlie can hear Nick in the kitchen as he comes in the front door. It must be lasagne night because the current song, with a lush strings and piano intro, is loud and his husband is singing along. That usually only happens when the counter is covered in bowls of ingredients getting layered into the baking dish.
“Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally”
Sure enough, he rounds the corner and sees his man dancing over the sauce pot with a ladle for a microphone, a plate of the wide, flat pasta and two bowls of cheese beside him. They grin at each other and lean in for a quick smooch before Patty barrels into Charlie’s legs. “Chappy, you’re home! Finally! Come on, you’re late for my tea party!”
The six year old, all chubby cheeks and legs that seem to grow longer every day, drags him off to her bedroom where he scrunches down onto one of the tiny chairs at the table Nanny Jane found when they’d been setting up to foster. The two of them tap plastic cups together and Charlie listens dutifully as the curly towhead fills him in on all the latest goss from Year 2 at Finney Primary.
When Nick comes to tell them dinner is ready, he leans on the doorframe and Charlie sees the brown eyes are warm and soft with the telltale glimmer of gathered moisture along the lower lashes. He jumps up, eager to stretch his back and legs, and encourages Patty to clean up her toys as he gathers Nick’s face in his hands.
The blonde looks a little chagrined, but Charlie wipes his thumbs carefully along the top of his cheeks and tuts at him gently. “I adore your tender heart so don’t even go there, my love,” he murmurs so their daughter can’t hear him. “Yes, here’s our beautiful family, and it’s a miracle and we get to enjoy it.” The final orders on Patty’s adoption are still fresh and they are remembering how to breathe easily.
After all three of them have partaken of the baked pasta and some salad, Charlie stands to clear the table and Nick settles with Patty in the living room to watch a show and snuggle. When the dark-haired man slides into his spot, Patty announces she is ready for reading time and disappears down the hallway.
The two dads sag into each other as their home settles into the evening routine. These moments without fear of interruption are happening less frequently but they are happy to grab them when they can. They chat back and forth, words flowing as abundantly as they always have throughout their years together.
“So you remember I found that Discord server for rainbow families in our county?”
“Yeah, the one where you agonized over your anonymous handle for three days before joining it?”
Nick frowns playfully and shoves at Charlie’s shoulder with his own. “Shut up! Well, it turns out it’s really cool. I’ve already learned about some new resources! And I like that they make us all be anonymous and gender-neutral; I think it’s helping some of the more nervous straight parents navigate this journey, the ones only there for their kids.”
One lean hand reaches up and caresses the short hairs at the base of Nick’s head as they shift torsos and legs around into a new cuddle pile. “Yeah? You don’t mind being a they/them in that little world on your mobile?” The blue eyes have closed as Charlie rests his head back on the arm of the couch. He feels Nick hum against his chest.
“N-n-no…”
The dark head comes up, and Nick bends his neck so they can look directly at each other. He bites his bottom lip and Charlie tilts his chin sideways as he runs his fingers through the soft fade again and again. “Wot?” he says, voice barely audible. “What’s up?”
Nick sighs and lays his head back down with a tiny shrug. “Ummmm.” He swallows. “Actually I like it.”
Charlie nods, brain awhir but hand still soothing. Clearly this simple admission is running deep for his beloved. He squeezes his other arm around Nick’s torso more tightly and presses a light kiss to the pale forehead before wiggling down slightly, giving every indication he can that he’s fully present and willing to hear whatever it is going on in Nick’s head.
After a quiet minute where they both note the lilting sounds of Patty’s stuffed animal story hour drifting out to them, Nick clears his throat. “So… I’ve been researching,” he pauses while Charlie suppresses a snort, “hrmm yeah, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt gender DYSphoria but ummm…” They both blink thoughtfully, staring at different parts of their cozy space. “Neutral pronouns are really giving me a…,” Nick shakes his hips a little, “a thrill actually, which apparently is a sign of gender EUphoria so…”
Charlie keeps his hands moving, pass after slow pass along Nick’s skin and t-shirt. He keeps his inhalations even. Nothing here is wrong or bad. There’s room, there’s so much room for this.
“And then sometimes…,” Nick is breathing out each word, like a precious gift he can barely place on the air, “one of the other members will mess up and use she/her for me and…,” he licks his lips, “that’s also thrilling.” He deflates then, seemingly out of energy to keep sharing.
Charlie nods, his jaw rubbing into the blonde fringe. “Okay, babe. Thank you for telling me. I love you. Whatever you need, you just say and I’m here for it. You know that, right?” Nick also nods and lifts up partially, a look of relief on his face and maybe more words on his tongue but just then they hear Patty’s voice again.
“NEENEE! I WANNA PLAY IN THE BATH!”
Both men chuckle a trifle ruefully at the end of their stolen time and push up back to their feet, ready to do the repetitive work of parenting once more, Nick with the tear-free shampoo and Charlie folding laundry.
🩷
“I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
woah woah woah
I can cast a spell
of secrets you can tell”
Nick is troubled. Charlie can tell as they sit in this restaurant on a rare date night, Auntie Tori at home with seven year old Patty. The light-coloured eyebrows keep dipping and then relaxing as they quietly work their way through their chow mein. He sets his chopsticks down along the side of his plate.
“Are you ready to talk about it? If not, can you at least tell me if it’s about me or not?” He’s proud he said that so steadily.
“Oh! No! No.” Nick looks down bashfully before glancing back up, brown eyes finding the blue readily enough. Charlie lets his shoulders drop. “Nothing to do with you, love. I just…” Nick frowns. “I was thinking of something that came up in a group chat.”
Charlie feels his spine unwind further. He picks up his chopsticks again. “Oh, which one?”
“Oh! The yummy mummies. Gloria is going for breast reduction surgery soon, and everyone’s in a tizzy.” Nick looks at the bite poised to be eaten next, at the end of the chopsticks they’re holding. “Most are supportive, of course, but Molly’s in her feelz and I dunno…”
Nick pops the bite in their mouth with a shy shrug. Charlie finishes chewing thoughtfully.
“You’re worried about the friendships getting damaged or something else?”
The wide lips pull to one side. “Both?”
Charlie nods. “The something else… is it gender stuff?” The brown eyes widen. Charlie smiles gently. “It’s okay, love, whatever it is.” The blonde head jerks forward and down.
“I know, I know! I just… Ugh! It’s so hard to articulate!” One broad hand comes up to rub just above the pale eyebrows. “And I look online, but I can’t find anyone talking about it in a way that hits just right.”
Charlie lays one forearm on the table, fingers unfolding in the direction of his beloved like a lotus blooming. An endlessly patient invitation. When Nick sees it, the hand drops from its rubbing into Charlie’s grasp. They smile at each other.
After a moment, Nick swallows. “I know bodies are not gender. People know their gender on the inside but like… I don’t… or… it changes like a switch with several notches, and I can never fully trust myself when it’s in the woman slot because what if I’m just especially empathetic to these girlfriends who’ve never met me in real life and only know me with they/them pronouns. What if they would hate knowing I got born in this body?!”
Charlie’s thumb is smoothing over the back of Nick’s hand now. When the torrent of words runs out, he squeezes the strong fingers in his own. “Well, it would be their loss, but I get it, I think. These Discord friends are really important to you, even though you’re scattered all over the globe, and I’m glad you found each other in all these forums.”
“Servers.”
“Whatever.”
Nick harrumphs fondly and Charlie giggles, pleased with himself for lightening the mood a bit. He dips his chin in an encouraging movement. Nick nods, a shy smile getting smothered on principle.
“Anyways! I guess I’m also in my feelz because Gloria got approved to change her body to make it suit her better, and I know everyone wishes bodies were easy to change but I’m just gonna feel jealous a little while longer, it seems.”
Charlie watches as Nick resumes eating, his head tilting slowly to one side. Finally the blonde asks for his thoughts.
“You… You think everyone wishes bodies were easy to change?” Nick blinks at this and nods slowly.
“Yes?” Charlie blinks back. “Are you… Don’t they?” The dark head shakes in negation. “Oh.” The brown eyes drift to the ceiling. “Well… I’ve always wanted to be able to… I dunno… trade body parts on a whim, just to try them out. You never thought that?”
Charlie shakes his head again, blue eyes soft as he waits for his love to absorb this.
“Hunh.” There’s a wry smile now on the beautiful face. “Guess I’m not faking my gender crisis after all.”
🤍
“Mix a special brew
to put fire inside of you
Anytime you feel danger or fear
Then instantly I will appear”
Patty is troubled. Nick can tell as he helps her tidy her room. The usual chatter is missing. He waits for her to be ready but nothing erupts, and then the floor is clear and the bed is made so he sits on it and pats the space next to him.
“Come on, PattyPat CuppyCakes. What’s going on?” The ten year old giggles at the nickname as she plops down next to him, her pudgy growing body making that a more solid contact than ever before. He’s grateful all over again at the way they lucked out; she’s such a beautiful mix of his and Charlie’s looks that few people question their family affinity in public. As puberty edges into her world, she has that same wide and sturdy presence to her that Nick does but with the slightly tanned skin of the Spring clan. He wraps one arm around her shoulders and quietly hums into her blonde curls until he feels her relax against him.
“Ummm, so actually,” she attempts to launch herself into whatever confession this will be with her usual enthusiasm but it dies on her tongue. He squeezes her and pulls his lips in so he remembers to stay in listening mode.
She sighs. “I… ummm. Can you not do that? I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Nick leans back so he can look into her suddenly anxious face and ask with a quirk of an eyebrow what she means. “Can you…,” she swallows, “can you not call me Patty anymore?” He nods and continues to monitor the big green eyes as they dart away and back to meet his, over and over.
“Do you ever feel like…” she grimaces and shakes her head slightly, “you’re only doing things because everyone else is… and you’re scared to… change?” Nick nods again and rubs his hand up and down the far shoulder he’s still holding. “I guess that… that’s how I’ve been feeling… recently.”
“Ok, sweetheart.” The green eyes find his again and he smiles, trying to put all his love and respect into it. “I think I get it. What do you want to be called now?”
“Just Pat?”
“We can do that! It’s totally ok!” There’s a tentative wobbly smile. “With everyone?” A nod. “You want us to tell school to change your file officially?” Another nod. He clears his throat. “Is this… it’s not just a nickname change, I think. Is that right?” The curly head ducks into his chest before it nods again. He shifts to hold the trembling body better, rubbing up and down the small bumps and dips of back muscles. “Are you… not a girl?”
There’s a tiny gasp and Pat pulls back to look Nick full in the face. “I’m not! I’m not a girl!” He smiles into the amazed green eyes. “How… Wha…”
He drops his hands between them to gather the smaller ones and settles in for his own confession. “I’m not always a man.” He shrugs, a little embarrassed to be making it about himself but hoping it helps. Pat just looks at him.
“It took me a long time to figure it out because, for me, man is not a wrong label.” He sees the curly head tilt. “It’s just a sometimes label. And sometimes woman is the right label.” The green eyes are widening. “But mostly I don’t think about it,” Nick shrugs, “and there’s really no label because I think, for me, gender’s kinda arbitrary and fake.”
“IT IS! IT IS FAKE! OH MY GOD YOU GET IT! LIKE YOU REALLY GET IT!” Pat’s squealing and dancing in place but hands are still tangled together and Nick is laughing in pure delight as their child finds joy again.
They cuddle and talk for a long time. Nick explains why they landed on genderfluid as the most accurate label for themself and why they’re not out about it with almost anyone yet. Pat asks lots of questions, and they finally land on agender as their best word for now because it feels like it encapsulates the complete disconnect Pat currently feels from all gendered concepts. Nick knows this is a journey and trying on labels can be like trying on clothes; not everything ends up fitting comfortably.
Later they both catch Charlie up on the latest developments, and he smiles and wraps them both in hugs which speak volumes about unconditional love and human dignity. Their family is perfect just the way it is, whatever that looks like today.
💜
“Oh, I can sense your needs
like rain onto the seeds
I can make a rhyme
out of the confusion in your mind”
Charlie is troubled. Nick can tell as they sink into a post-dinner digestion haze on the sofa. They grab his legs, still all wiry muscle from regular morning runs, and pull his feet into their lap for a thorough massage of sole and toes. The dark head falls back with a grateful moan. Soon enough, a story of office politics emerges and Charlie is smiling again as they finish processing what, if anything, he can do about the work drama.
Then Nick hustles to get them both cups of tea, and the two parents lean on each other as they drink them and the conversation moves on to other topics. When they snuggle back together, Nick is balled up against Charlie’s chest, a favourite cuddle configuration for both of them.
Then Nick senses it, a return of tension to the torso under them. The blonde head lifts. “What?” Charlie quickly cards his fingers into the soft length on the back of Nick’s head; there’s more to play with there these days.
“Just thinking. It’s ok no matter how you answer, but… do you…” he wrinkles his nose, “are you… you’re sometimes a woman around me, yeah?” The blonde head nods. “And I know behavior is not gender but sometimes the way you take care of me feels very femme-coded, and I am never sure if I’m right and if I should shift pronouns…”
Nick smiles at him and one broad hand comes up to trace along the sharp, stubbled jawline. They like the texture there even if feeling it on themself is often a dysphoric sensation lately.
“You know I’m okay with any pronouns here at home, love.” Charlie nods at this reminder. “And yeah, I guess I feel that too, but we both know it’s a lot of stereotypes feeding those feelings so I don’t, like, have a magic answer for you, but I guess I’m wondering why it matters.”
The dark eyebrows are drawn together. “It’s just…” he rolls his eyes at his inability to articulate his fears. Nick’s hand is soothing, loving.
“Ok, here’s what I do know. The behavior I think of as femme-coded is stuff you’ve always done and I’ve always loved about you. And you’ve always been genderfluid the same way you were always bisexual, even before you knew those words existed.” They both nod, eyes soft. “So social conditioning and gender nonconforming stuff aside… like… I’m a gay man, Nick! And do I… does this…” he winces, “does this change that?”
Nick opens their mouth, a silent “ah” filling all the quiet space between them. “You’ve been sitting on that a long time, haven’t you?” The dark head nods, the look pensive. Nick pushes up into a kiss. When they pull apart, Charlie is a little breathless and Nick smirks. “You seem gay enough to me.”
Charlie laughs. “Shut up! I don’t… ugh. You’re so annoying when you’re cocky,” he squeezes the large frame in his arms to relieve the sting of his words. “I don’t want what we have to invalidate either of us, okay?!”
Nick smiles and lays their cheek back onto the soft pec. “It could never. What we have is so real and so right, no matter what.” Their husband nods into the blonde fringe. After a long peaceful moment, Nick offers, “if you needed to use he/him for me all the time, that would be okay.” Charlie shakes his head violently at that.
“No, absolutely not. You have just this one space and online where you get to live your full genderfluid life so far, and I’m not taking this one away from you.” Charlie rocks them together a bit with the strength of his convictions pulsing through his arms. “No, I can deal. I don’t need to have a sexuality crisis. I know me, and you know you, and we work together, and none of the words humans have ever invented or will ever invent can change that.” His chin juts down emphatically and Nick just hums their agreement into the narrow chest. Time stretches.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
🖤
“I ain't braggin', 'cause I'm the one
Just ask me, ooh, and it shall be done”
Charlie can hear Niky in the kitchen as he comes in the front door. It must be lasagne night because the music is loud and his spouse is singing along. Sure enough, he rounds the corner and sees his favourite person dancing over the sauce pot with a ladle for a microphone.
Niky grins at him, her hips swaying seductively. Charlie steps up and takes their free hand in his own; they dance there together through a full chorus. Then the dark head pulls the blonde in for a lingering kiss, both men moaning tiny sounds of appreciation for this sexy moment. When Niky pulls back, his brown eyes are apologetic but twinkling. “I’ve got to get this in the oven, love.” Charlie nods with a huge smile, dimples on full display.
Just then, Pat comes barreling into the room and nearly tackles the curly-haired man where he’s still half-wrapped in Niky’s arms. “Chappy! You’re home! Finally! I need to show you the videos I made today!” Charlie laughs and uses his free arm to embrace their child, who already reaches his shoulder at twelve years old. But Niky is tutting kindly.
“Not until after dinner, kiddo. You need to make the salad soon!”
Pat rolls their eyes. “Fine!” At a look from Charlie, sun wrinkles their nose and sighs. “I mean, yes Neenee.”
Charlie takes one last moment to squeeze them both before letting go, gratitude filling his heart to bursting. Yes, here’s our beautiful family and it’s a miracle and we get to enjoy it.
💙
“Iiiiiiiiii’m every woman
It’s all in me”
