Chapter Text
Looking back, Sweden wished he had just clicked delete the minute the email from Denmark hit his inbox. Unfortunately, it was his diplomatic duty to read emails from another nation, particularly one with the subject line “IMPORTANT: IDEA FOR PROMOTING TOURISM IN SCANDINAVIA.”
Admittedly, Sweden had his doubts from the outset; having put up with some of Denmark’s more notorious good ideas during their long history, but then again, the man had once ruled the North Sea with an iron fist and made a pretty decent sales pitch when he put his mind to it. So, it was with half-hearted interest that Sweden opened the email that was going to change the course of his current life.
From: Kingdom of Denmark
To: Kingdom of Sweden
Sweden!
What’s up, buddy? Long time, no speaking from me, glaring from you! Guess what? I have had the most amazing idea for increasing tourism and visibility in Scandinavia, and I definitely, totally, need your help to pull it off.
“So far, so annoying,” Sweden grumbled to himself, continuing to read the missive while keeping one eye on the stock ticker on the bottom of his screen and absently sipping his coffee.
So here’s my idea, and I know you are going to love it, being the country that produced pretty much the greatest pop group ever:
We should start a Nordic boy band!
And Sweden’s computer screen was promptly covered in coffee. “What the hell?!,” was his sole coherent thought as he hastily cleaned the spewed beverage from his monitor. “Denmark’s always been a little…off…but this… this is beyond the pale even for him.” It was so spectacularly insane, that Sweden couldn’t keep himself from reading further.
I know, right? Completely genius! Seriously, though, think about it! There hasn’t been a big splashy five member boy band in since JT ran off to be hilarious on SNL. And what do you know… between you, me, Finland, Norway, and Iceland, we’ve got five hot guys ready to go and rock the world. I’ve already thought of a name for us, too! Wait for it…
The Nordic Five!!
Get it? Like the Jackson Five, but Scandinavian!
Sweden thought his brain might be melting from sheer incredulity. “Really, the Nordic Five? How lame.”
We don’t even have to come up with fake names! It can be our shtick with our fans, going as our nations! Adds to the allure and all that! Picture it….
Me---incredibly gorgeous and captivating lead that the girls wanna do and the boys wanna be
Norway and Iceland---mysterious and sullen brothers who drive the ladies wild wondering what’s going through their minds
Finland---Our very own, hotter, more age appropriate Justin Bieber type. Cuteness overload!
You----The intimidating and stoic one with enough smolder to overcome any fear you may instill (And since I know the ladies aren’t really your thing, I promise that goes over well the dudes too!)
Something for everyone! We’ll be un-fucking-stoppable!
Sweden blinked, and blinked again, unsure whether to laugh, cry, or make an appointment to beat some sense into Denmark.
Anyways, I know you’re probably so blown away by the sheer brilliance of my idea that you need a minute to consider, but let me know ASAP. I’ve already asked France to start dreaming up some sweet costumes for us (sorry, Sweden, I refuse to work the sequins and polyester of yesteryear).
Later,
Denmark
For several minutes Sweden sat in numb shock, unable to process what had just been proposed. It made a strange kind of sense, he supposed, if you were bat-shit crazy like Denmark. And yet, he was most definitely passing on this once-in-a-lifetime offer. He hit reply, head still spinning.
Re: IMPORTANT: IDEA FOR PROMOTING TOURISM IN SCANDINAVIA
From: Kingdom of Sweden
To: Kingdom of Denmark
No.
Are you insane (r)?”
-S
He hit send and promptly backed away from the computer, fearful of what might come next. Sweden was right to be afraid, as he’d only just managed to stand up and take a calming look out over Stockholm, before the tell-tale reply “ding!” sounded.
Apprehensive, he opened Denmark’s response:
Re: IMPORTANT: IDEA FOR PROMOTING TOURISM IN SCANDINAVIA
From: Kingdom of Denmark
To: Kingdom of Sweden
Don’t be like that! It will be awesome, I swear. When I have ever led you wrong?”
Sweden snorted, having very clear memories of decades worth of Denmark leading him wrong.
Besides, you have to say yes. Iceland and Norway already did.
-D
Feeling slightly betrayed by his fellow Nordics’ willingness to go along with this idiocy, Sweden took a moment to take stock.
“Well,” Sweden contemplated, “I suppose Iceland was sold on the whole getting more tourism and attention out of this idea. He’s been feeling a little desperate lately. Besides, who knows what goes on in that guy’s head most of the time. But Norway…what the hell is he thinking? I would have thought that he would be the first to hand Denmark his ass over something this crazy.”
Confused and annoyed, Sweden composed a one word forward to Norway:
FW: IMPORTANT: IDEA FOR PROMOTING TOURISM IN SCANDINAVIA
From: Kingdom of Sweden
To: Kingdom of Norway
Why?
-S
His face drained of all color at the horrific possibilities Norway’s reply conjured:
Re: FW: IMPORTANT: IDEA FOR PROMOTING TOURISM IN SCANDINAVIA
From: Kingdom of Norway
To: Kingdom of Sweden
He wouldn’t leave me alone until I said yes. Texts, calls, emails, mailing me Backstreet Boys cds. He even showed up with that horrid 3-D movie that American kid made. I had to give in to spare myself.
I advise you to do the same.
-N
It was wise, perhaps, to do what Norway suggested and spare himself the antics of an enthusiastic driven Denmark, but Sweden was a stubborn man with an old streak of rebelliousness where Denmark was concerned. Steeling himself for the onslaught, he replied to Denmark:
Re: IMPORTANT: IDEA FOR PROMOTING TOURISM IN SCANDINAVIA
From: Kingdom of Sweden
To: Kingdom of Denmark
Answer’s still no. And don’t think you can harass me into it like you did with Norway.
-S
Resolute in his position, Sweden stepped out for lunch, even giving himself permission to have beer. He was feeling good about life walking under the spring sun, indulging in fanciful thoughts of asking Finland to go to dinner with him sometime soon, this time not without and work related pretense.
It was all going swimmingly, his fantasy having progressed to Finland offering him a bite of his dessert from his own fork, only to return to his desk and find:
Re: IMPORTANT:TRUMP CARD TIME
From: Kingdom of Denmark
To: Kingdom of Sweden
I really didn’t want to have to play dirty like this, but you leave me no other option.
Finland said yes, too. (I told him if we got famous enough he could meet Conan O’Brien).
Sweden swore under his breath. Denmark could be so irritatingly astute when he wanted to be, though Sweden supposed it didn’t take much to figure out his feelings for Finland, seeing as how they’d been there for all to see for several centuries.
As Denmark doubtless intended, the tiniest tendrils of temptation started to grow. A chance to spend time with Finland, doing something that had nothing to do with their nationhood, was a rare thing, a precious opportunity. Though Sweden wished desperately that it wasn’t so, their relationship had suffered following the dissolution of their union and Finland’s subsequent struggles for independence. As soon as Finland had broken free, he’d wanted to go back to how it was when Finland shared his house and his life, wanting to make overtures that now they were both no longer bound by obligation they could be really be together.
As it turned out, his centuries long love had almost certainly always been unrequited, as nice as the mirage of the past had seemed. Shortly after his independence, Finland gently but firmly quashed his hopes, making it clear that while Sweden was a friend, an ally whom he cared for, he couldn’t (or worse, Sweden feared, wouldn’t) even begin to contemplate a romance between them until he knew what it was to be his own nation. And then he kept his distance, wider than the sea that divided the, guarding his heart from Sweden’s intense stare.
That had been more than ninety years ago. Ever since, Sweden had been tentatively, but stubbornly, trying to repair and rebuild their relationship, seeking any reason to spend time together. He’d actually made such progress in recent years that Sweden had begun to rekindle those old dreams, daring to believe that if he asked Finland out sometime in the next 5 – 10 years he might say yes.
But this…this idiot plan of Denmark’s…it would be a perfectly legitimate excuse to hang out all the time. No work, no bosses…late nights in clubs, recording studios, and if Denmark’s predictions of grandeur were correct, long hours on tour buses. And, as members of a boy band, there was the very tempting possibility that there would be tight and/or revealing clothing involved.
Resolved weakened, he forced himself from his reverie to finish reading his email,
Finland said yes, too.
And you know what that means. Tight jeans, ripped shirts, and one very good looking Finland proudly on display for hoards of screaming, lusty fans. (I can’t wait! Think of all the ass I’m gonna get!) But Finland, he’s so sweet and cute...you wouldn’t want to leave him all alone?
I’ll go ahead and count you in. Be at my place in a week—I gotta find someone to write some songs for us!
-D
Ps—I told France that he could personally do our measurements so prepare to be groped.
Simultaneously entranced by the idea of sexy pop-star Finland and horrified by the thought of lusty Finland fans, Sweden knew he’d been beaten. He was now, officially, a member of The Nordic Five.
Resigned to his fate, and determined to make as much of this opportunity as he could, Sweden composed one last email, knowing it always best to be prepared:
Subject: Help!
To: Anni-Frid Lyngstad; Bjorn Ulvaeus; Benny Andersson; Agnetha Faltskog
Any advice on being a Swedish pop-star?
Sweden