Chapter Text
Waking up was a surreal experience.
She definitely remembered bleeding out– her head pressed against the tiled floor of her local supermarket and even more distinctly, she remembered the press of a truck tire over her leg and the pain that accompanied what definitely felt like her bones shattering. She also remembered laughing weakly at the irony of hearing the store making an announcement requesting for a doctor when she had just gotten her licence.
The rest was blurry but it was a comforting fade to black– you know, once the world ending pain went away.
Then the next minute she was waking up and all she could do was get up and go about her day.
She’d like to think it wasn’t unreasonable that she thought she’d just had a weirdly specific and realistic dream -nightmare, come on now- where she could remember all the details and terrible pain she was in.
The dream had unsettled her thoroughly, enough for her to simply run on autopilot when she woke. The pounding in her head and the tinge of pain in her eye had her further on edge, intimately familiar with the telltale signs of a migraine growing.
She allowed her body to lead her to the bathroom to get ready for work; a shower to ease the pain and wake her up.
That’s what she thought she was doing, but it turned out she was more oblivious than she expected and while the unusual room that she woke up in didn’t register, reaching the bathroom and looking at herself in the mirror had her finally freezing in shock.
Staring at her reflection she saw an obviously unfamiliar image staring back at her. The child -for that was what she was apparently- had a light complexion, too different to the warm brown tone of her skin that she couldn’t help the way her small face scrunched up in confusion. Her hair was still black and short but the eyes that stared back at her were so different to her own brown, wide ones that were always droopy with exhaustion.
The ones that stared back at her now, were grey and too sharp for a child and this child’s eyes seemed to be perpetually on the verge of being narrowed.
She couldn’t help but turn behind herself to try and make sense of it, as though someone being behind her would make any more sense than her not having a reflection.
Unsurprisingly, there wasn’t anyone behind her.
She lifted a hand to her face and watched the image in the mirror follow.
She squeezed at the slightly pudgy skin on her cheeks, curious at the twinge of pain that came with it. The tiny body she was staring at, one that could hardly reach the sink let alone show a reflection beyond just her neck.
She couldn’t comprehend how it could even be her.
The little thing was bony and small with only the barest pudginess to her that only came from being a child.
She couldn’t figure out what to even do.
“What are you staring at Natsumi-chan?” A voice questioned from behind her, startling her out of her stupor.
“Sorry, I had a weird dream, Reiko,” she replied automatically, making eye contact through the mirror, somehow recognising that as her new (?) name and the name of the child behind her.
As though she didn’t have any control of her body, she turned around to face the similarly small and frail looking child.
Reiko, Natsumi– it’s only two Japanese names, but somehow she had a feeling that it wasn't just a coincidence.
With every new piece of information, her head would twinge with pain and she couldn’t help the way her eyebrows furrowed with the knowledge.
“Natsumi-chan, are you sure you’re alright?”
She tried to nod with a reassuring smile at the sweet kid but with how she only stared back at her with even more concern, she knew she wasn’t fooling the kid.
She tried to take a step towards the toilets, and she wondered how she knew the way. She glanced at Reiko and a memory (not a memory!) flashed through her mind –a small girl, her brown hair tied into pigtails, her hand reaching out towards her with a sweet smile– she hated the familiarity of it all.
Suddenly, as though the memory ( no it’s not) of Reiko was some sort of invitation, a rush of moments– thoughts, feelings– memories goddammit, spilled through her mind. The overload of it all was overwhelming, jarring and disorienting in a way that it had her stumbling towards the toilets. The pounding of her head reached an all time high that she attempted to think positively, ‘at least it isn’t as bad as my migraines.’ But it seemed her typical bad luck had followed her here as well and she had to rush to open the lid of the toilet to vomit.
She vaguely heard the startled shout of Reiko and she soon felt a soothing hand rubbing at her back. She turned her neck slightly to glance at who had arrived and the name came to her quickly enough that she managed to mumble out a weak thanks to the new matron that had come to stay at the orphanage. Mei-san –and it was strange that she couldn’t help but relax at the sight of the girl- because she was still a child 16 was not yet an adult but Natsumi’s- her’s- the memories she held, suggested that this was the usual. That a 16 year old was expected to look after a house with enough children to fill a classroom.
How bizarre– she ignored the song that played through her head, regardless of the circumstances.
With that said, too many things were happening inside her mind and the nausea became overwhelming once more that she found her head back in the toilet bowl.
Mei’s soft voice spoke quiet words of comfort but she could hear an almost weary and exasperated tone within the words.
But mostly, all she could really notice was that it was just another thing that was familiar yet not.
Her mind was filled with moments that were both her’s and simultaneously weren't.
‘I wasn’t there!’ ‘That’s not me!’ she wanted to shout at each moment that fit together until they finally made some semblance of sense.
It was strange, being someone else.
To take over someone else.
To simply erase someone who was into someone who wasn’t.
‘That’s not how it works,’ she felt a voice in her mind insist.
‘That’s wishful thinking,’ was all she could reply with and it seemed it had nothing to retort to that.
Believing that Natsumi was her if she never gained her memories was pathetically unaccountable and grossly pretentious. Natsumi would have grown into an entirely different person but now they’d never come to be, grow into their own person. Instead she was forced into this role of an imposter.
But with all the memories that filled her mind and the way they felt so real, she couldn’t help but simultaneously think of herself as Natsumi. She could accept that she was Natsumi now but she didn’t think she would ever come to believe that she was ever the real Natsumi.
The pounding in her head faded to a dull throb that was tolerable and she raised from her position leant against the toilet. She hated how weak her body felt but ignored the shakiness as she stood, wiping her mouth with her oversized sleeves. Mei-san sighed at the action and Natsumi, remembered then that she wasn’t alone glanced back at her apologetically, realising that the older girl would now have to wash the shirt.
“Just go take a shower Natsumi, you know that you can’t afford to miss your first day at the Academy today.”
“Right.” And what else was she supposed to do? So she nodded like any other kid would and hurried to take a shower and brush her teeth, because wasting water was bad.
She forced all thoughts about her current situation out of her mind and instead focused on the memories of Natsumi. She tried to figure out what the Academy would entail, because clearly it was some typeof place of education but she knew she was in a time -which is just another thing to get her mind whirling but no- where things were still a little behind in technology and the sort. All she could do was just deal with it right? Nothing else could be done.
She changed into the too big shirt and the too tight pants Mei-san left for her and hurried to their dining area. Moving to line up behind the rest of the kids at the orphanage -and at least she wouldn’t have to struggle to think of someone else as her parents- but noticed another kid waving loosely at her with disinterest. His blonde hair paired with his asian features surprised her because clearly this was a rural area of Japan... but ninjas existed which suggested that she was in at least early Sengoku period if her shitty memory served her right– the point was, it would be weird if an orphanage, let alone the time period they were in allowed for kids to dye their hair. That’s still looked at weirdly even in her time.
Despite his strange appearance -really blonde hair and green eyes and still looking Asian? Japan barely had any foreigners as is let alone in rural areas- she moved towards him and as she did a memory came to her filling in the gaps.
Natsumi sat herself down carelessly next to a kid that everyone seemed to be avoiding, he glanced at her in surprise. Natsumi didn’t look phased but nodded and that was it. Reiko joined the table and they mostly amused themselves in silence. Reiko, unsurprisingly, was the first to introduce herself after a long overdue outburst to break the silence.
That was that, apparently. The rest of the memories that flowed to her mind suggested that was the whole of her friends she had managed to make at the orphanage.
She and Natsumi sure were similar, she’s just lucky that Natsumi didn’t attract any unwanted attention from it.
“What has you looking so stupid.”
She supposed it’s only reasonable that she made friends like herself. She plopped herself down just like Natsumi had done in her memories and Hiro slid the tray towards her. “I was trying to figure out a way to make you successful in life but it looks like that’s hopeless, Hiro.”
“Are you sure you weren’t thinking about your own future?” Hiro replied carelessly.
She- Natsumi- She took a slow bite of her food, “You’re sounding defensive.”
“You’re both sounding defensive and you both should be worried,” Reiko intervened, dropping her tray beside Hiro. “Forget about that, are you okay Natsu-chan?”
She quirked an eyebrow, tilted up from her food and waved a hand dismissively, “Yeah I’m fine. I’m feeling better now.”
“What happened?” Hiro’s voice tinged slightly with concern.
“She was vomiting and stuff.”
“I’m fine, just a bad headache.” She could only be glad that Natsumi had been a child that read a lot and she could express herself without too much difficulty even for being- what five?
“That’s not fine, are you sure you should be going today?” She was a little surprised it was Hiro that voiced it.
“I’m fine, really,” she insisted with a strained smile because it wasn't like she could get into it. ‘Oh, I just woke up from being dead to realise I stole a child’s life– your friend's actually. Now what?’
Reiko and Hiro were kind enough to let that be the end of it despite Hiro clearly looking displeased about it.
“Anyways, first day of the academy for you two today, you excited?” Reiko said cheekily and somehow Natsumi knew that ‘the academy’ wasn’t exactly the ideal place to be.
“Shut up.” “Totally so excited.” Hiro and Natsumi said at the same time.
“At least Natsu and I are together.”
“Okay, and?”
“With a crappy personality like yours, you think you’re gonna last long?”
“Shut up! You’re just jealous that I got an apprenticeship before you.”
“I have one lined up, stupid Eiji ojii-san said I have to know how to use my chakra to be able to work with him, I’m just going for that!”
Chakra?
Happy to let the arguing of Reiko and Hiro soothe her worries, even if only a little, she tried to conjure as many memories of Natsumi’s about the academy to try and understand the time she was in.
“Okay kids, who wants to be a ninja and beat up bad guys and protect princesses?”
Various hands flew up while others -mostly older kids- had looked to the ninja in disdain. They were orphans, not idiots. They knew what being a ninja meant. It was the reason most of them were here as orphans anyway.
“It’s not easy though, you will risk your lives but you will gain the strength to protect the people in our village. The aunties that kindly save you a piece of food or the grandpa’s and grandma’s that thoughtfully tell you stories or give little gifts. These are the people that you will be repaying the kindness of.”
Maybe that was convincing to some but not only is that not even necesarily the case, the shinobi that were there to ‘convince’ them knew that the kids here were probably the most reluctant and it hadn’t been convincing for Natsumi, definitely not Reiko, least of all Hiro. The trio had stared up at them unimpressed.
“Our home isn’t unkind to us. To thank us for our hard work, our village gives anyone that decides to become a ninja, an apartment to live in, an allowance to live on during the academy until you are able to take on missions and earn money, health insurance, life insurance, accident insurance-“
The rest of the words become muddled as Natsumi’s thoughts flurry and some of the words slip by, her child brain not having a clue what they meant.
‘That’s a lot of incentive,’ was what Natsumi thought.
‘That is a lot of incentive,’ she agreed.
She also thought it was a bit sad and a tad funny how convinced Natsumi was by the insurance options.
That was a hell of a lot of incentive for orphans like her and she’d imagine the orphanage itself, with how overcrowded this place was.
Which explained the unavoidable first day.
She tuned back momentarily to the conversation between Reiko and Hiro, apparently about Reiko’s passbook and immediately tuned back out because that was a conversation that she didn’t want to think about even when she was still alive.
Reiko and Hiro were unbelievably mature for their age, she couldn’t help but think. She wondered if it was because of the war- where’d that come from?
Well. Okay.
There was a war or a build up for one. Not a world war but it seemed more like a small war between a nearby village. Natsumi’s memories didn’t know the details other than that’s why there were so many orphans. She hoped that it was just Natsumi’s childish perception of the world that made the problem bigger than it was. Skirmishes between villages instead?
She hoped.
For now she’ll pretend like the place she lived experiencing war was fine while she’s enlisted into becoming a part of a secret ninja school which would probably make her fight such wars. That’s fine. She’s fine. No problem.
She went back to wondering if Reiko and Hiro were so mature because they were war orphans and she supposed the matron at the orphanage wasn’t very subtle with the ‘get out of here as soon as you can, I have enough on my plate- don’t be useless to society,’ rants.
That would probably do something to a kid’s priorities.
That’s rough. Natsumi’s thoughts on life were pretty dull too. She hoped the rest of the kids weren’t as pessimistic? Without hope?
A bell rang and a handful of the kids turned to the sound and sighed dejectedly, Hiro included.
Reiko offered a sympathetic smile to Natsumi and Hiro.
“Let’s go then Natsu?”
“Yep,” she nodded along as though she knew what was happening.
“I’ll see you two when you get back. Have a good day at the academy.”
“Thanks,” the pair responded unenthusiastically.
Together they walked to drop off their trays and followed the rest of the children joining the academy.
“Are you interested?”
“I mean chakra seems cool I guess.”
“Yeah.”
“Neither of us really care huh, just doing what we gotta do.”
“You really need to sort out your apprenticeship.”
At least this wasn’t a moment where she received another flow of memories because it had been a part of the memories she initially received.
“Look, Tojiro-san said he wouldn’t mind what I pick but I really can’t pick between Kokeshi[1] making or Kyūsu Tokoname ware[2]. They’re both not exactly lucrative either but at least they’d be stimulating but I’d feel guilty if I didn’t pick Tokoname ware.”
“Why didn’t you do something like Reiko- with the tea house and everything.”
“Do I look elegant and graceful?”
“No, you’re right. Though I hate that that would mean Reiko is.”
“Oh come on! You know she is, even for a six year old.”
“–Okay kids, this is your first day in the heart of the village okay, so pair up, make sure to stay together and keep up because you don’t want to be late for your first day at the academy.”
Hiro grabs her hand tight, the slight tremors in his hand were what finally made her comprehend this small baby faced boy was just a child. Maybe it was Natsumi’s perception or maybe it was her memories but for some reason up until now, to her, he was just someone her age -and to her, her age was, you know... like mid twenties- not that old okay. People her age still bickered okay, so like Reiko and Hiro were just, you know…
She ignored her rambling excuses and instead squeezed Hiro’s hand, ignoring when he looked up at her embarrassed. “Let’s go,” she spoke up, noticing that they were falling behind and they were at the back of the group to begin with. She shouldn’t be surprised that Natsumi– she, had friends that preferred being in the back and from what she could tell, overall did not want to stand out. A surprising trait for kids but these ones preferred it that way.
“What about your apprenticeship?” At the smithy, her memory supplied. “Anything else Eiji-san say?”
“Well, I think he mentioned the chakra and the academy for the sake of either getting rid of me or testing me, either way I’m not going to give up.”
She squeezed his tiny hand once more, “That’s the spirit.”
“How long is the academy anyway?”
“During peace times I hear it’s like six, maybe five years or so?”
She hummed thoughtfully, staring at the backs of the children in front of her she wondered how many of them would finish the academy too then have to potentially serve in war… kill people. She held back a sigh as they spent the rest of the walk to the village in silence.
She and Hiro were curiously taking in the sights as the village slowly became more populated and more buildings and shops rose up. The loudness and crowdedness of the place had the group of children squeezing together more while Mei-san reminded once more, “Keep together everyone!”
Hiro and Natsumi, still at the back, squeezed up against the rest of the children at the orphanage, taking in the people calling out for business and they noticed the occasional ninja running on rooftops and together they gaped at the sights. She couldn’t help but wonder how such a bustling bunch of people could have kept the nature of ninjas such a secret. She was honestly impressed.
Natsumi was looking around when a familiar mountain stopped her short, tugging Hiro to a stop with her.
She stared at the rocks with faces sculptured into them, an eerie replica of Mount Rushmore - or so she assumed, she’d never seen the damn thing but still - with faces that were familiar but definitely should not be.
That has to be fake right? No way right.
Just because she was finally able to differentiate between her very English thoughts and her very Japanese speaking when she caught onto the older dialect, didn’t mean what she was seeing was what she thought it was.
“The Hokage rock… you haven’t seen it before right?”
“Motherfucker.”