Work Text:
You're Invited…
Event: Tankhun Theerapanyakul's 30th Birthday Extravaganza
Theme: Roaring 20s
Place: Hum Bar
Date: November 25th, 2022
The digitally curated invitation arrives as a group text on Kim's phone two weeks before the date in question. When it arrives, he is strumming a tune so melancholy that it makes him feel he isn't emotionally ready to put together lyrics for it yet. Kim isn't sure why he isn't ready. Writing sad songs over the last five months has been commonplace. So common that his agent has asked him several times if he is okay. Vice is more thoughtful than his record label. His record label has only asked if he could please just write a couple of happy bops for the new album, or at least one.
His answer to Vice?
Of course I'm okay. Why would you think otherwise?
As for his answer to his record label?
No.
Regardless, neither answer seems to please them. Not that he is used to pleasing people, at least not the people who matter to him in some capacity. It has been a habit since Ma died, likely developing as a way to rebel against and to agitate Pa, only to spread like a disease. Pa wants a guard on him? Order the guard to leave or run away if they don't obey. Pa wants him to work a mission at seventeen? Kill the shitty ally who pointed a gun to his head to make Kim comply with his demands at an event when he was thirteen, all while letting their enemy walk free. Kinn finds out the reason Kim made that decision and strongly suggests Pa add a therapist to the roster, even though Pa always said no to doing that for Khun? Make the therapist rush out of the room in tears during their first and only session, then distance himself from an extremely concerned, desperate, and apologetic Kinn.
Chay finds out Kim used him to figure out just how terrible his father is? Pretend like he isn’t bothered and leave Chay heartbroken, only to end up heartbroken himself.
While that last one left a terrible taste in his mouth, it is clearly a tactic that mostly works for him. Look at all the lonely, sad, but high-quality music he is producing. He is curating a great album for someone to play as they write a suicide note. While Kim doesn't condone that, he thinks every person should have the perfect soundtrack for any poignant life event.
Porsche: Looking forward to it! Kinn and I will go shopping for our outfits this week. 🙂
Kinn: Couple coordinated? ❤️❤️❤️
Porsche: You know it 😁❤️
Tankhun: 🤮
Kim has to agree, but keeps his own vomiting emojis to himself.
Tay: Time and I will be there too. Happy to celebrate with you!
Tem: I'll be there as well.
Tay: 😐
Jom: See you guys there!
Yok: Looking forward to decorating the bar and celebrating with you, Tankhun! 🙂💜🍾🥂
Kim isn't even sure how he got Tem's, Jom's, and Yok's numbers. He probably found them and added them to his contacts when he was obsessively researching Porsche's origins on a caffeine bender. Whatever. They are in his phone now.
Unknown Number: Okay.
Porsche: You can come, but no drinking!!!
Fuck. It's Chay's new number.
That has Kim going from passively watching the conversation on his phone to quickly picking it up to click on the group text list and go through everyone in the chat. He has all of them saved on his phone except for two numbers and the list isn't very long. Not surprising. Tankhun went from a popular boarding school student to a traumatized, agoraphobic shut-in who cut himself off from everyone outside of the family and his bodyguards. He is only coming back to himself - or developing a new version. It is a mix of the sharp, caring, and charismatic big brother he used to have and the eccentric and over-the-top persona he put on after the kidnapping. He is both recognizable and a complete stranger, and Kim has missed him so much.
Not that he will say that out loud.
But maybe he can show him. He can show him that he cares and that he loves him. Kim never stopped loving either of his brothers, despite the distance he put between himself and his family. He never wanted to distance himself from Tankhun. He would have taken Tankhun with him. Kim told him they could share an apartment, even when he knew Tankhun told Kinn about why he killed one of Pa’s allies. He never blamed Tankhun for that and he still doesn't. Tankhun had just wanted Kim to get the help he was denied, even though Kim clearly doesn’t need it. Kim had wanted (and still wants) his oldest brother with him so they could get away and put all their shit behind them.
And Tankhun wouldn't leave. So Kim left alone and he stayed that way. Alone.
But Kim can choose not to be alone, at least for one night. He didn't realize how alone he felt, not until he came to his senses and - unfortunately - Chay came to his senses too. Maybe a party will be good for him, even though parties are never good for him. Unless he is hired to perform at one, he doesn't want to be at them. Ever.
Apparently Chay does. Chay is going and Kim hasn't seen him in person for months. That means Kim is going too.
Kim: Count me in.
Tankhun: HE SPEAKS. 😱
Kim: Did you want me to ignore your invitation?
Tankhun: Of course I didn't. I just expected you to. You better dress up in a costume.
Kim: No.
Thankhun: 🙄 Fine. Just look nice. And ACT nice. Socialize. Do not stand in a corner all night. You deserve to have fun, believe it or not.
No. He doesn't. But he doesn't say that.
Kim: Okay.
Tankhun: …Is everything alright?
Kim stares at the text.
Kim: Why?
Tankhun: Because you are agreeing to come to a party.
Kim: I have attended parties before. It isn't that absurd of a concept.
Tankhun: Because you haven't come to the compound in months and skipped Pa's birthday dinner.
Kim: Why would I go to that?
Tankhun: Because he faked his death so Uncle Gun would force an attack and neither of them cared if their sons were killed in their violent feud. Because our father killed his brother. Because our cousin will likely never walk again.
Kim: Haven't you hated Vegas for years?
Tankhun: And yet I cry every time I think of how he must be feeling. Even though I hated him for years, I loved him for much longer.
Kim: Hm.
Tankhun: Kind of like you with Pa.
Kim: It's very different, but whatever.
Tankhun: Is that why you texted me privately to accept the invite? So Pa wouldn't see your text and be more likely to come too? I seriously doubt he will come, by the way. Hum Bar doesn't seem like his thing.
That isn't why. However, it is a plus.
Kim: Sure.
Tankhun: Are you actually okay? Something seems wrong.
It's a question from his agent that he regularly answers with lies. Why can't he text a lie to Tankhun? He should be able to text a one worded lie to his brother, yet his finger and thumb won't cooperate. Chay always playfully picked on him when it came to how he texted, with his left thumb and right index finger. Kim had pointed out that not all people game to the extent where using both thumbs to communicate as their go-to. Kim beat him at speed texting out the lyrics to some random song, and Chay beat him at Mortal Kombat in retaliation.
The memory makes Kim go lie down on the couch and stare at his reflection in the dark television screen, his phone left abandoned on the coffee table. An hour later, Tankhun lets himself into his apartment and Arm makes himself scarce by going into his kitchen to make dinner for the three of them.
Kim silently wishes him luck on that front. Other than some spices in the cabinet by the stove, coffee in the pantry, and a couple of takeout containers in the fridge from who knows how many days ago, he doesn't have much else to work with.
"Lift your head up," Tankhun says, urging him until he has enough room to sit down so that Kim's head is falling in his lap, "Let's watch a movie."
Whatever.
The movie in question deals with a couple gradually becoming more and more estranged. Of course it does. There is no happy ending in sight, so it is just like slowly watching tragedy unfold. Tankhun - predictably - cries his eyes out. Kim - not so predictably - cries too. But he's more subtle about it. He is actually so subtle that his brother probably doesn't even notice.
"Kim, what's going on with you?" Tankhun murmurs sadly as Kim's shoulders shake and he soaks Tankhun's pants leg with tears.
Fine. He does notice. But Kim still doesn't respond.
He needs to look good for the party. The problem is, Kim always looks good. He isn't conceited, it's just a fact. Even when he was a child, everyone talked about how beautiful he was. Ma eventually tried to redirect those types of compliments by talking about his talent and how sweet he could be. But then Ma died and Khun had to take over on that front instead. And that's a hard responsibility to hold up when you're strapped to a gurney in the infirmary and being called crazy every other month. So Kinn got to be called the new heir, Khun got to be called crazy, and Kim had been left with pretty. It's probably the most preferable out of those three possibilities anyway.
But while Chay was likely attracted to his looks, he had been drawn in by Kim's talent. He hung off every word and piece of advice Kim gave him during their lessons. He had the courage to ask him to be his tutor. Chay looked at him with admiration and respect before he ever looked at him with hearts in his eyes, despite the pictures of Kim on his bedroom wall revealing that Chay found him at least somewhat attractive before they got close.
Chay probably tore those down. He doesn't want to look at Kim anymore. Kim knows that. If Kim were a better person, he would skip the party. It would make Chay happy, and honestly? It would be on brand for Kim.
But maybe Kim wants to go off brand for a while. Maybe his brand of being an aloof, mysterious, and loner musician is no longer doing him or anyone else favors. Maybe he is just tired of being him.
And maybe that's why he finds an outfit that actually complies with the roaring 20s theme. A three piece suit, complete with a stupidly expensive pocket watch.
He feels ridiculous. He doesn't feel like himself at all.
Good.
Except Kim got dressed too early. He doesn’t want to go back to his apartment like this. And part of him knows that once he goes back home, he may lose the gull to go back out. So maybe he will continue acting out of character. Going to Hum Bar early to help his brother decorate seems out of character.
So that's what he does.
"Kim?" Tankhun says as soon as he comes through the doors before his eyes widen, "What are you wearing?"
Kim looks down at his clothes, "Do you want me to get clothes from my car?"
"Nope, no need," Tankhun says, then comes over to put his arms around him, "You look very nice. Handsome, actually! What do you think of my tux?"
Kim gives his oldest brother a once over. Tankhun had strayed from his own personal norm even more than Kim did.
"It looks great," Kim tells him, causing Tankhun to beam brightly, "What do you need help with?"
"Well," Tankhun says, glancing behind him, "Arm and I are arranging the feather bouquets. Pol and Yok are stringing the black and gold ornaments together. Why don't you put together the placemats? We'll have dinner and cake first, then the fun can really begin. Thank you for coming."
"Wouldn't miss it," Kim says, even though that would normally be a lie. Tankhun hugs him again regardless, "Happy birthday, by the way."
Tankhun gives him a small smile, then takes a step back, "I hope it is. Now, come on! Let me introduce you to Yok."
Kim has a weird urge to let Tankhun know he knows a lot about Yok, both from Chay's fond comments about her and Kim's own research (disowned by her family, knows four languages, and has a childhood sweetheart who pointedly left the country with their son once Yok came to terms with her gender and decided to transition, which explains why she is so protective over Porsche and Chay and mothers them).
Instead, he just nods and tries to smile warmly. She seems like a nice person. She deserves warmth. She is kind to Tankhun and a very welcoming presence. Going by her interactions with his brother, Arm, and Pol, she has made friends with them. Right now, she's laughing at some joke Pol made that Kim doesn't really get but she clearly does.
Going by how closely Khun and Arm are talking, they seem closer too.
Weird. Although, Arm is now Khun's head guard, so maybe it isn't. Yet for some reason, watching them makes Kim feel out of place. But he snaps himself out of even attempting to analyze the situation further. Tankhun has often befriended his guards, a habit that could be heartbreaking for his brother, but beneficial because it is hard to make friends when you don’t leave the house. Maybe he is just closer to Arm than he has been to any other guard.
He feels alone.
When Pete walks through the door, Kim is actually relieved. Because as misplaced as Kim feels, Pete has to be feeling ten times worse.
"Pete?" Tankhun says hopefully, only having eyes for his ex-head guard as Pete cautiously walks into the bar, "You never texted back. I thought…We didn't know if…"
Pete breathes in and gives Tankhun a sad smile, "I just wanted to stop by to give you your gift and tell you happy birthday."
Tankhun nods, then glances down at the wrapped gift and cards once Pete hands them over, "You could stay, you know."
Pete just shrugs, keeping the sad smile on his face, causing Arm to step in.
"We miss you, Pete. So much," Arm tells him, coming to stand next to Tankhun, "Why don't you just stay for dinner?"
"...I can't," Pete says eventually, "Vegas and Macau are waiting in the car."
"...Oh," Arm says quietly, then says nothing else. What else could he say? Kim wouldn't know how to handle it. Vegas has been a sensitive topic for Tankhun for years. And after what happened, there is no way-
Tankhun lets out an unbothered sound, "That's fine! If you're worried about Macau being underage, Chay is coming too! Chay is just a year older than Macau and he needs a friend with everything going on. I am sure Macau is in a similar situation. They can chat. Get to know each other."
It's a shocking offer to hear coming out of Tankhun's mouth, even by Kim's standards. Going by Pol's and Arm's expressions, they are flabbergasted by it. But despite the thoughtfulness of the offer, Kim doesn't like it. He doesn't like the idea of competing with Macau for Chay's attention. He needs to figure out a way to talk to him, and Macau being there will give Chay a reason to ignore Kim in favor of pointedly focusing on a new potential friend. Because Chay is really great at that now. Ignoring Kim.
It is a selfish and stupid thought. Toxic too, because Tankhun is right. Chay deserves to have friends who understand what he is going through. But Kim is tired of trying to earn Chay's attention and he doesn't want to compete with Macau. He never did.
"Vegas is still in the car," Pete says, looking away from Tankhun.
Tankhun purses his lips, "This place is very accessible. No steps, wide doorways. Vegas should be fine to join us."
It's an even more shocking offer than inviting Macau. But it does show how desperate Tankhun is to have Pete here.
"He…" Pete starts, still looking off to the side, "Vegas is still getting used to things. He doesn't…The wheelchair is a sensitive topic for him. It is hard enough to get him to leave the house for appointments. I was lucky to get him to agree to his therapy intake this afternoon."
"Therapy intake?" Tankhun asks, his voice a murmur, "Porsche said Vegas has been in physical therapy since waking up from his coma. He said you told him Vegas goes on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays."
Pete nods, then clears his throat, "Not that kind of therapy."
Tankhun stares at him, then nods too, "Oh. That…That's good. He has probably needed that for a long time. And he probably especially needs it now."
"Probably so," Pete vaguely agrees, then glances down at the gifts, "One of those cards is from him. He…wanted to tell you happy birthday. Apologize. Get some things off his chest, I think. He had me read it to make sure it sounded okay. It's respectful. Heartfelt. Just…Make sure you read it with an open mind and when you are ready. Don't feel like you need to open it tonight. Enjoy your birthday. I know me showing up is probably stressful enough-"
“It’s not stressful, Pete,” Tankhun says, his voice strained, “It’s appreciated. I invited you because I wanted you here. Almost everyone I invited is someone I want in attendance. Almost. But believe me, you are not the exception.”
If anyone else in the room knows who it is, they don’t comment on it.
“Please stay?” Tankhun says, but Pete is already shaking his head, “Please?”
“...I’m sorry,” Pete tells him, his expression pained and guilty, “Maybe…Maybe I can call you soon? We can…We’ll catch up.”
Tankhun looks at Pete with teary eyes, then finally nods silently in agreement and accepts one last hug from him before Pete takes his leave.
“I just need a minute,” Tankhun mutters, then quickly walks to one of the bathrooms. Kim isn’t sure what to think when Arm only gives him two minutes before following him. A part of Kim wants to chew him out and tell him that his brother has a right to be alone if he needs it. But when Kim goes to the door to do just that, he overhears them.
“I know,” he hears Arm murmur as Tankhun cries, “I know you wanted him to come.”
“He doesn’t even answer my texts!” Tankhun sobs, “I thought he was my friend. He was my o-only friend for so long! And he won’t even TALK to me!”
“Khun, a lot has happened,” Arm says gently, weirdly referring to his brother personally, “It’s only been a few months. We’re all still raw from everything. That includes Pete. Give him some time. I know you miss him. I miss him too.”
“This is Pa’s fault! Pa did this! I just…I don’t…”
“I know,” Arm says again when Tankhun trails off.
And as much as he wants to see if his brother is okay, Kim lets Arm handle him and goes to pull out his phone.
Kim: How are you doing?
Macau: Why?
Kim: Idk.
Macau only responds thirty minutes later.
Macau: Horrible. Better than ever. I don’t know, man. P’Pete is a fucking saint though. I don’t care if we’re Buddhists. He has earned sainthood because he is a miracle worker who is somehow making Hia happy despite the circumstances.
A minute later.
Macau: How are you doing?
Kim just presses down on Macau’s message and reacts to it with an abacus emoji. It’s the most random one he can find. He expects Macau to be confused or tell him he’s the weirdest person he has ever known. Like he did before, back when their mothers were alive and their brothers liked each other.
Macau: That bad, huh?
Kim leaves him on read.
Chay won’t look at him when he arrives. He doesn’t even give him a glance, even though Chay has to feel some type of way about Kim being there. There is a brief thought that goes through his brain that makes him think Chay may not recognize him with the clothes he is wearing. But no, that thought had been stupid and is proven to be as such when Kim manages to sit right across from him. Chay won’t even look at him then. Instead, he just glares down at his barely touched plate of food.
“Hey,” Jom says from Chay’s left, then looks at Kim, “Your colors match, like your brother’s and Kinn’s! It’s like you planned it!”
Kim never planned for their outfits to magically coordinate. Going by the way Chay redirects his glare to Jom, Kim is guessing Chay hadn’t planned for that either.
“Can we please talk?” Kim eventually finds the nerve to say when everyone else’s attention is focused elsewhere. Kim doesn’t know what is elsewhere. All he can see, hear, and breathe is Chay.
But Chay doesn’t answer him. He won’t even look at him. That tells Kim the all-consuming feelings are one-sided.
Kim barely ever gets drunk. Getting drunk means losing control. At thirteen, losing control means reluctantly complying with their shitty and powerful ally’s demands instead of causing him irreparable harm or calling him on a bluff because he’s thirteen and he should NOT be drunk in the first place. At seventeen, it means crying on Tankhun’s shoulder and slurring out what happened the first time he got drunk. At twenty, it means stumbling three miles to their family plot to yell at his mother’s gravestone and beg her to tell him what actually happened to her. At twenty-one, it means obsessively looking at the polaroids Chay left at his apartment and wondering why he did this to himself.
At twenty-one and a half, it means trying to ignore Chay ignore him across the room.
Luckily, he isn’t the only moody drunk in the room. He isn’t even the one who openly becomes moody first.
“Tonight is your birthday, don’t be sad!” Yok says over Tankhun’s wails, “Thirty is great, I promise!”
Kim has a feeling Tankhun is not emotional about being thirty, just like Porsche getting agitated as he randomly storms outside and away from Kinn isn’t about desperately needing a cigarette. But Kinn coming to the bar, downing a shot, and letting his forehead rest on the wood in defeat is probably about Porsche.
“Are you guys fighting?” Kim asks as he finishes the last sip of his own drink.
Kinn shakes his head, then turns his head to look at Kim with slightly bloodshot eyes, “Namphueng had an…episode yesterday. She became aggressive towards Pa and we don’t know why.”
“You both know why,” Kim mutters, causing his brother to blink.
“...We have theories,” Kinn says evasively, but then lets out a sad sigh, “And none of them are good.”
Kim hits pause on ignoring Chay and glances back at him, only to feel his heart pounding in his chest when he sees Chay staring right back. The moment only lasts for a few seconds, and then Chay is looking away again, continuing to sit completely alone.
Kim wonders if Chay feels alone too.
“I’ve seen you with a few drinks,” Kinn says, trying to force both a subject change and nonchalance, “You…You mentioned a while back that you didn’t like drinking. Are you okay?”
Kim ponders the question, then meets his brother’s eyes, “You should go check on your boyfriend.”
Kinn can probably see right through the response, but does it anyway. Kim takes the opportunity to stand up, walk over to Chay, and be more direct.
“Can we please go somewhere and talk?” Kim asks, his voice sounding too stiff so it won’t sound too wobbly. Maybe he should have let it sound how it wanted to. Maybe he would have gained Chay’s sympathy. Instead, he gains Chay’s cold shoulder.
Kim goes back to the bar. Things just get worse from there.
“Kim,” Tankhun says as he grabs onto him, “You do not need another drink.”
“I’m FINE,” Kim tells him, swaying on his feet to go back to the bar. Arm immediately blocks him and pushes him back into the booth, and Tankhun sits down next to him so that he’s trapped. Kim feels himself pulled back until he’s resting against his brother’s side.
“What’s going on?” Tankhun asks, sounding more down to business and much less drunk than he did before, “Because this isn’t normal behavior from you. We would have heard something about it if it were.”
“Leave me alone,” Kim mumbles, even though that’s exactly what he DOESN’T want. What is wrong with him? He does this to himself.
“I don’t understand what-” Tankhun starts, only to cut himself off. Kim is about to open his eyes and figure out why, but he doesn’t have to. Tankhun’s next sentence makes it clear.
“Pa! I thought you weren’t coming!”
“Ah, well. I decided to stop by anyway. It was on the way. That dinner party ended earlier than I thought it would.”
Kim wishes his father would have choked on the food there. He thinks of lifting his head to tell him that. But his head feels heavy, just like his eyelids do, so he keeps his head on Tankhun’s shoulder.
“Kim,” his father says, sounding warm and cordial.
Kim doesn’t even give him a grunt of acknowledgement.
“He’s a little tired,” Tankhun says, forcing a laugh, “Partied too much. But he deserves a night of fun! He works so hard. Thank you for coming, Pa! It’s nice to see you here. I see you dressed up for the occasion. I am sure some men wore cardigans in the 1920s too.”
Kim doesn’t have it in him to follow the conversation after that. But while he doesn’t follow the words or any type of meaning behind them, he hears the tones. While Tankhun’s voice has always been a source of comfort, Pa’s has always been a source of resentment. And resentment is a powerful emotion once it takes hold in Kim. It roots itself into every single vital organ until it is the only thing he can feel.
And despite the heavy haze from the liquor and the subtle calmness that he gets from his brother’s voice, that is exactly what happens. The thing is, he only comes to a decision to do something about it when Pa is already walking out the door.
Kim needs to have a word.
“Why are you crawling under the table?!” Tankhun asks loudly, but Kim can’t be bothered by such trivial questions. When Arm attempts to put his hands on his shoulders (a move that tells Kim Tankhun put Arm on Kim duty at some point tonight), Kim rolls away before jumping to his feet.
“I’ll fight you,” Kim tells him seriously, only for Arm to stand there, dumbfounded.
“What?” Arm asks.
Kim turns to his brother as he straightens his vest, “I need some fresh air. If I’m not back in ten minutes, then I want you to enjoy the rest of your birthday.”
Tankhun stands up at that with a worried and angry look on his face, “Don’t you DARE do something stupid, especially on my birthday! I don’t know what is going on, but-”
“I’ll be back in ten minutes,” Kim clarifies, then manages to leave the bar without falling and before Pa is in the car that brought him here.
“Pa,” Kim says, as he walks down the sidewalk, “Pa!”
Pa looks at him as Kim comes closer and a pleasant smile appears on his face, “Kim! I take it you are feeling better?”
“No,” Kim tells him bluntly, “I feel like shit and I hate you.”
His father chuckles, then nods towards the car, “Maybe you should call it a night and get some rest. Why don’t you stay at your old suite in the compound? You can ride back with me. Whenever you are feeling better, you can go back to your apartment. I’ll have one of the guards bring your car back so it’s ready for you.”
“Why?” Kim says, then lets out a huff, “So you can bug it?”
Pa watches him for a moment, then closes the car door, “It seems like you may want to have a word. I’m listening. What’s on your mind, son?”
Kim breathes in, then breathes out before repeating the process again. There are so many things he wants to say. He has so many questions, a few that start with “how” and a lot more that start with “why”. But he isn’t going to get those out, not when he would prefer to never talk to his father again.
“Why did you rip a mother away from her kids? Why would you do that to Chay and Porsche?” Kim asks. He no longer sounds angry. He just sounds sad.
Although, he has been sad all night. He’s been sad for months.
Pa continues to stare at him and Kim feels his blood run cold when the corners of his lips turn into a smile.
“To keep her safe,” Pa tells him simply, even though it makes no sense whatsoever. Why hide her away and leave her kids with a guard who has an alcohol and gambling addiction? Why act like her mental health is so fragile, only to make it worse by keeping her kids away from her when she had done nothing wrong?
“Liar,” Kim concludes darkly. Pa continues to smile pleasantly as he opens the car door again.
“Why don’t you come back to the compound and get some rest?” Pa says, “You aren’t thinking straight and that’s understandable. It has been a stressful year for all of us.”
Kim forces out an ugly laugh, “So you can tie me to a gurney in the infirmary like you did to Tankhun? So you can kill me before any of your secrets get out like you killed Uncle Korn and Ma?”
That wipes Pa’s smile away in an instant. Good.
“Again,” Pa says, his voice sounding hardened and more stern, “You aren’t thinking straight and that’s understandable. Especially when you take into account your history with alcohol. From what little I know of your experience with it, it never leads to anywhere good. You should probably stay away from it. You think, say, and do concerning things when you drink it. Like you saying that I killed your mother. She died suddenly, but of natural causes. So your accusation is absurd.”
“It really isn’t,” Kim says to him.
There isn’t anything else Pa can say to change his mind. And Kim doesn’t have anything else to say to him. So he turns around and walks back to the bar. He expects a guard to grab him, or possibly a bullet to lodge itself into his back. He wouldn’t put it past Pa. He has killed family before.
But neither happens. When Kim gets close to the bar entrance, Pa gets into the back of the car and leaves.
He doesn’t even notice Chay snooping around the corner until he bumps into him.
“Kim-” Chay starts, but Kim can’t talk. Not right now. He has been wanting to talk to Chay all night, but he can’t speak to anyone right now. He just goes to the bathroom. To throw up, to pass out, to trash something, he doesn’t know until he is punching and kicking the outer wall of one of the stalls and Kinn is coming out of it to yank him away.
“Can a man take a piss in peace?!” Kinn asks roughly when he finally gets Kim to turn around, “What is going on?”
“Fuck off, I’m mad at you!” Kim snaps, only for Kinn to step back in bewilderment.
“What did I do?” Kinn asks in confusion, then tries to put a hand on Kim’s shoulder only for Kim to jerk away.
“You told Pa!” he says, then points a finger at him, “You told him.”
“Told him what?” Kinn asks, still sounding confused, only for Tankhun to walk in, “He said he’s mad at me, even though I didn’t do shit to him.”
Tankhun shrugs, “You can be really annoying to look at sometimes. I understand.”
Kinn gets an outraged look on his face, “I am not!”
But Tankhun just rolls his eyes and pulls Kim closer. Kim lets him, even though he is sort of mad that Tankhun told Kinn, except that he isn’t really mad at either of them at all.
“I’m going to ask you one more time,” Tankhun says steadily, “What’s wrong?”
Kim just stares at his oldest brother and says nothing.
Tankhun lets out a heavy sigh, “Fine. Why are you mad at Kinn?”
Kim breathes in through his nose, “He told Pa what I told you.”
Tankhun nods emphatically, “About Mechai?”
Kim nods and Kinn’s expression morphs into one of grief.
It’s not THAT serious.
“Kim, that was over four years ago,” Kinn says gently, “I’m sorry I didn’t try to talk to you about it and prepare you first. I really am. That was wrong. But I was very concerned and upset. So was Khun. I thought Pa could help. He…He did try. He may have scolded you and handled his interactions with you over it very poorly, but…”
Kinn stops a second to swallow, then continues, “I’ve missed you. Khun has missed you. I really do want to be close to you and hear what you have to say if this is something you want to talk about. We can talk about it right now.”
“We’ll listen,” Tankhun says, then sits down on the bathroom floor to make a point, “You just let us know when you’re ready.”
Kim feels his energy start to decay within him. Any words he has on the matter go with it.
“I’m going home,” Kim mumbles, then heads for the door, “Sorry for messing up your birthday. Later.”
“Kim, you are NOT driving home like this!” Tankhun says, scrambling to his feet, but Kinn gets to the door before either of them to block it, shaking his head when Kim glares up at him.
“We’ll ask one of the guards to take you,” Kinn says, then glances at Tankhun, “Someone who is willing to stay the night?”
Tankhun nods eagerly, “That would make me feel better.”
Kim feels frustration brew in him again, “I don’t want a stranger sleeping on my couch! Let me out!”
Kinn braces himself against the door as Kim attempts to shove past him, “Khun, help.”
“Kim, just calm down,” Tankhun says, trying to be gentle as he urges Kim away, “Relax. Let’s do a breathing exercise-”
“No!”
“Just-”
When Kim sees the bathroom door open behind Kinn’s back, he makes a run for it before he realizes who he is running into.
Chay. Again.
“Want to help with my wasted, rage-filled little brother?” Tankhun grunts out as he puts Kim in a hold. The longer Chay stares at him, the less Kim struggles. Soon enough, he is just standing there limp in Tankhun’s arms.
“What do you need help with?” Chay asks, his eyes not leaving Kim’s.
“Well,” Tankhun says, sounding less sure, “I was going to see if you wanted to get one of his arms while Kinn took his legs so we could restrain him, but now? I guess just see if there is a sober guard willing to take him home and stay the night to keep an eye on him?”
Chay continues to stare at him and lets out a sigh, “I can take him home. It’s not too far from here. And I’ll…I’ll sleep on his couch to make sure he stays put.”
From the corner of his gaze, Kim can see Kinn wince, “Chay, he’s very upset. I don’t know what happened to trigger it, but it is about something pretty serious. Other things too, I’m sure. I…Khun and I want to make sure someone who is trained can be around to-”
“I want Chay to take me home,” Kim cuts in, then feels Tankhun’s hands on him gradually loosen.
But despite the loosened hold, Tankhun is clearly still skeptical.
“Kim, if you are choosing Chay because you think you have a better chance running away from him-”
“He won’t run away,” Chay cuts in, continuing to look at Kim, “Not this time. He’s done with that. Right?”
Kim feels his eyes get watery, but forces himself to suck in a sharp breath and nod his head.
“Huh?” Kinn asks, glancing between the two of them.
Tankhun groans, but lets Kim go before looking at Chay, “You are just as vague as he is! You better take care of him! Check on him every so often while he sleeps too! But before that, make sure he eats something! He didn’t eat when Arm and I went over a couple of weeks ago and ordered food for him, and he barely ate dinner tonight! He’s going to feel terrible tomorrow if he doesn’t get food and water in him. So make sure he does that much. Got it?”
“I will,” Chay says, agreeing to the terms. And it must be enough, because Tankhun finally lets him go.
“I will be coming over tomorrow, Kim,” he says gravely, a sad and serious look in his gaze that should not be present on his birthday, “I love you. You know that, right?”
“I love you too, Kim,” Kinn says softly, “I’ll drive Khun over tomorrow afternoon. We can spend the evening together.”
Kinn doesn’t know what to say to that.
I love you too. That’s what he is supposed to say. There isn’t any reason for him not to. It wouldn’t be a lie. As unsure as Kim is about many things, he is certain about that one fact.
“Okay,” he says instead. Going by their expressions, they would have liked to have gotten a more heartfelt answer out of him, but what he actually gave them is still likely more than what they were expecting. They exchange no other words, but Kim does hear Tankhun ask, “How does Chay know where he lives?” when they walk out of the bathroom.
“I didn’t realize you got your license,” Kim mumbles from his front passenger seat as Chay starts the car, “I thought you only had your permit and got freaked out by driving.”
“I still only have my permit,” Chay says, grimacing as he slowly pulls the car onto the road, “Luckily, you have your license so this is technically still legal.”
“Lucky for us,” Kim says, because Chay driving under the speed limit illegally would be such an unforgivable crime in the eyes of his family.
Chay snorts a little, but says nothing else. The rest of the drive is spent in silence, but he seems to gain more confidence behind the wheel until they pull up to the parking garage next to his building. The guard takes one look at Kim, then raises the gate to let them through. Kim only realizes how fucked up he is when he gets out of the car and is on his feet again. He makes it approximately six steps before swaying and stumbling, only for Chay to rush over and catch him.
“This is very hypocritical of you, you know,” Chay says as he keeps a steady hand around Kim’s waist and presses the button for the elevator, “When you came into that club and smacked a pill out of my hand before punching Bank, I thought you must be extremely straight laced. A liar, but straight laced.”
“I usually am,” Kim slurs out, feeling his head nod forward, “I just…I didn’t want him to hurt you. He was too pushy with the drugs. I didn’t…It scared me. I’m sorry I fought with you and left.”
Chay stays silent for a moment, “He did try to kiss me-”
“WHAT?!” Kim roars, picking his head up immediately only for Chay to shush him.
“But I pushed him away and left not long after you did,” Chay tells him, only for the elevator to ping as they arrive on the top floor, “Come on. Let’s get you inside.”
As soon as they are in his apartment, Kim doesn’t know what to do. He’s been in here with Chay before. He invited him over when he wanted intel but didn’t have the time in his schedule to make the drive out to Chay’s house to get it. He invited him over a few times when Chay sounded lonely on the phone and Kim couldn’t stand it. Kim also invited him over when he was lonely himself. Chay knows his apartment by now. Kim doesn’t have to give him a tour, but what else is he supposed to do?
“I’ll…” Chay starts, then looks around, “I can get you some comfortable clothes from your room. You can go to the bathroom, get changed, and get ready for bed. You don’t need to fall asleep wearing a three piece suit.”
Okay, Kim can work with that. But then he looks at Chay’s outfit and frowns.
“You don’t either,” Kim says, then walks to the bathroom, feeling like he’s in a daze, “Grab yourself comfortable clothes too.”
He shuts the bathroom door behind him before he gets Chay’s answer. He doesn’t even think about Chay seeing all of the saved polaroids on his nightstand until he’s washing his face. It makes him suddenly want to bash his head on the sink.
Maybe Chay won’t see them. Or maybe he will.
Maybe Kim wants him to. Or maybe he doesn’t.
He doesn’t even know. Kim just forces it out of his mind and opens up the door enough to take the clothes Chay hands him before shutting it again.
By the time his head is slightly clearer and he’s ready to face Chay again, he goes into the living room, only to see the kitchen light on. When Chay sees him, he looks agitated.
“You have nothing,” Chay says, his voice hard, “Kim, this isn’t acceptable. Why don’t you even have the basics? You had at least some food when I was here last time. Not a ton, but enough. This…What is going on?”
Kim shrugs and Chay just watches him before letting out a sigh.
“I’ll get a couple of glasses of water for you,” he says, going to his glassware cabinet, “I want you to drink a big glass now and keep the other by your bed. When I check on you in a few hours, I’ll fill them up so you have them when you wake up. Just…go get some sleep. It’s fine. I’ll get you some food in the morning.”
Kim doesn’t really have anything to say to that.
“Thank you,” he tries, because he is thankful. As much as he missed Chay, Chay hasn’t missed him. Chay doing this out of his own free will after ignoring him all night means a lot.
But Chay just nods, then goes over to the sink, “Go lie down. You are still swaying on your feet.”
Kim does what he’s told. He goes to his room without another word, lets himself fall back on the bed, and feels the room spinning. Distantly, he hears Chay walk in. When he looks to his left, he sees Chay put one glass of water down, then hesitate over the polaroids before picking them up, opening the drawer, and sticking them inside before putting the other water glass down. Kim is too drunk to feel embarrassed or defensive about it at this point. He is also too drunk to drink water independently. Although, he might take advantage of Chay nursing him, even if he was just buzzed.
“Just a little more,” Chay says gently, tipping the glass a little further back. Kim must drink enough to keep him satisfied because Chay finally puts the glass down, tucks him in, then gives him a pat on the chest before making a move to stand up.
“I’ll be in the living room if you need me,” Chay tells him, only for Kim to grab his arm, “What?”
Kim just stares at him helplessly, hoping he’ll understand. The words won’t come. Kim doesn’t know if it is the liquor or just him, but they won’t. Growing up, Khun and Ma had to often remind him that people couldn’t read his mind. That he needed to express what he wanted and needed from people because they didn’t always know, even the people who know him best.
But Chay somehow does, at least more than other people. Chay knows what he needs even better than Kim does, just like he knows exactly what to take away in order to ruin him.
“Okay,” Chay says, then turns off the light and lies down next to him. The room is too quiet. Kim wishes he would fall asleep already. He had been desperate to sleep in the car. But now, Chay is in his bed. If Kim can’t sleep, he wishes Chay would, preferably with heavy snoring to drown out Kim’s thoughts.
“I heard you confront your pa about my ma. And about yours.”
Kim feels his breath hitch. This isn’t what he had in mind. He had wanted Chay to snore.
“Everyone acts like he’s so…noble,” Chay says darkly, “Hia doesn’t, but he pretends to. So he won’t take away our access to Ma.”
Kim bites his lip, then decides to turn on his side to face Chay, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did to you, but I am also sorry for what he did to you and your family.”
Chay meets his eyes, then reaches out and squeezes his hand, “I’m sorry for what he did to you and your family too.”
Kim lets his hand open and feels his heart beat faster as Chay interlocks their fingers, “No one would believe me if I told them. That he killed my ma. Or that he arranged to have her killed. I don’t know. But he’d have me labeled as crazy, just like he did to my brother. And he would make everyone think it was true.”
“...I wouldn’t,” Chay says gently, “I believe you. I don’t even need the details. I heard how sure you sounded - how hurt you were - and I heard how much he tried to make you second guess yourself. I know who I believed when I overheard that, and it wasn’t him.”
Kim feels his face crumple and it takes everything within him to keep it together. Chay just being here after everything is pushing the boundaries of all that makes sense. Expecting Chay to put up with some sort of pent up breakdown would be too much.
But Chay lets his free arm fall above his head and while Kim thinks accepting the silent offer might push his luck too, he isn’t strong enough to decline. He slowly, hesitantly, but inevitably accepts it, scooting in closer until his head is resting on Chay’s chest. The steady rise and fall of his breathing and the sound of his heartbeat are just loud enough to fill the void and lull him to sleep.
When Kim wakes up in the morning, he wakes up to a full fridge, two plates with eggs and toast, and Chay sitting across from him, ordering him to eat before a delayed hangover hits. Despite the queasiness from last night's over indulgence settling in, he looks down at the plate and feels his stomach rumble, all while the face squirted on his eggs smiles up at him.
He smiles back at it, and then eats every bite.