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Dick was nine years old, sitting on the massive cave floor, resting after a long day of training when Bruce walked up to him, holding a portable machine in his hands. It looked almost like an iPod he’d see more and more people use lately, though Dick was quick to assume it wasn’t. He’s been quickly introduced to all kinds of technology that he never thought he would ever touch in his life before. The circus was always so hands on, grounded. They all scrubbed their clothes with soap by hand. They all cooked their food in rusty old pots over a campfire. Everyone heated their own bathwater.
Living with Bruce meant adjusting to a life filled with new tech to learn and master wherever he turned. There were still moments where he had to work, do things by hand. The training he did now was less jumping and balancing, and more punches and kicks. It was far more ruthless than at the circus, with just as many long hours of exercise and training. But now on his breaks, there was always tech around him, helping him with things that used to take hours upon hours, now done for him in minutes or seconds. He never lived so efficiently before.
“Do you know what this is?” Bruce asked while they were in the cave one day. He had just changed into his costume. Dick was still in awe to see him dressed this way. His head was still reeling at the fact that he was one of the few people in the world that knew the person underneath the mask
Dick paused, before barely shaking his head. Was it something he should know? He didn’t know what to say half the time. He was so terrified of reaching that moment where Bruce would say ‘We’re done here. You’re just not cut out for a vigilante’s life, Dick.’
He didn’t think he could bear to hear that. He should’ve known what Bruce was holding in his hands. He needed to be better. He needed to fit into this new role. He needed to prove to him that he was smart and he could fight. He could be relied on.
“It’s alright, Dick,” Bruce said calmly and carefully. “It’s good to admit when you don’t know. I won’t be upset with you for something like this.” He adjusted his long black cloak and sat on the chair in front of the massive computer screen. He set the device on the desk.
“It’s called a TENS unit,” Bruce informed him. “TENS stands for Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation. Do you know what that means?”
Dick thought hard for a moment. “It sends electricity to the nerves-” he remembered back to some of the anatomy lessons Bruce had taught him and remembered what cutaneous meant. “Through the skin.”
Bruce smiled and nodded his approval, and Dick felt immediate relief at getting the answer right. He was smart. He was reliable. He could do this.
Bruce swallowed, looking uncertain, like he didn’t want to explain why he was showing Dick the TENS unit, but before Dick could reassure him he was ready for whatever Bruce threw at him, the man spoke again.
“It can send electrical impulses through the skin to mimic certain sensations,” Bruce explained. “We use them at Gotham General Hospital to inhibit pain receptors, but they can be used in reverse as well.”
Dick was silent for a moment, this new information rolling through his mind. There was a reason Bruce looked uncertain. Bruce never looked nervous before, and it was scaring him as well.
“When you are out on patrol,” Bruce began. “You’re going to suffer injuries that will cause you plenty of pain. But you will be in situations where you have no choice but to fight through that pain.”
Dick took a breath. “I’ve performed with injuries before.” It was true. He’s dislocated his shoulders too many times to count in practice and twisted his ankle while on stage before. When including off the stage, he’s broken more bones in his body than most kids his age.
“For how long?” Bruce asked. “Enough time to have another performer come in early and replace you? Because there will be no one to replace you out there. You can’t show weakness for even a second.”
Dick stayed silent. He watched as Bruce gestured him over, and immediately stood up and obeyed.
“It would do no good to actually injure you during training,” Bruce explained. “We’ll have to simulate those situations, and work our way slowly to the highest level.”
“I can handle it,” Dick replied, a bit too enthusiastic. Here it was, exactly what he was looking for, another way to impress Bruce. Another way to convince him that he was worthy… Maybe if he endured it enough, he could show him that he was ready to patrol.
Bruce helped him attach the electrodes to his body. Dick tried to push the man to raise the pain levels higher and higher, but Bruce was firm. Dick was only allowed to move to the next level when he fought and trained without any mistakes.
Dick managed to work up three increases in the stimulation as he trained. The pain wasn’t too bad, though over time, he could tell that it became harder and harder to manage, especially when he got more and more tired and started to make mistakes. But he could handle it… He could do this. He would do just about anything to prove that he could be Batman’s worthy sidekick. A partner to rely on…
“There’s one more thing we should cover,” Bruce said by the end, standing by his desk. A hardened look came over his face, yet the hand holding the TENS unit started to shake slightly, before the man quickly adjusted to stop it. “If you are ever…”
He caught his breath, looking away from Dick. It was the first time he had ever seen Bruce’s composure start to crack.
“If you are ever captured,” Bruce explained. “And unable to break free. There are people out there who will use this to their advantage. They will try to cause you as much pain as possible. It could be for information, for advancing their own cause, or it could be for no reason other than their own sadistic pleasure.”
Dick felt the sudden heavy silence in the Batcave weigh over them both. He kept his own face stony, trying not to react. He had a feeling that if Bruce saw him crack, they couldn’t move forward. They couldn’t work together.
“We need to simulate this,” Bruce concluded. “To prepare you, and provide you with all the tools you need to survive this. Before we start, I’m going to give you a mantra. Do you know what that is?”
Dick thought for a moment, remembering when his circus troupe traveled across northwestern India performing shows. He heard some of the locals talk about ‘mantras’ before kneeling and chanting.
“It’s where you say words over and over,” he answered.
Bruce smiled briefly before emphasizing the importance of his words. “Correct. It's important that you remember this mantra and repeat it aloud whenever possible if you ever come into danger. Repeat after me.”
Dick smiled and nodded, trying to reassure him. Despite appearances, Bruce still looked like he could crack at any moment. Dick knew they were treading very dangerous grounds.
“This suffering is temporary.”
“This suffering is temporary,” Dick repeated back.
“I can transcend anything that doesn’t kill me.”
“I can transcend anything that doesn’t kill me.”
“There will be a future where I am happy.”
“There will be a future where I am happy.”
There was something momentous when Dick repeated those final words back to Bruce. Before he could comment on it, Bruce spoke up again.
“When you say those last words,” Bruce informed him. “I want you to picture that type of future you want to see.”
Dick’s mind was already working, trying to come up with a scenario. He instinctively thought of his parents, even though the feeling filled his chest with terrible anguish.
“And this has to be a realistic future, Dick,” Bruce added. “Not the past. The future. Something you can actually return to. Don’t make it extravagant. If you have to actually use this mantra, it should be quite easy in the beginning to think of something very simple to hold on to. But you need to keep reminding yourself over and over and over again that you will return to that place. Depending on the time you spend in captivity. It could be hours. It could be days…” Bruce let out a shuddering breath. “Weeks…”
Bruce swallowed loudly, unable to go on beyond that. Dick nodded in understanding, the image in his mind now replaced with something different. He imagined Batman up close standing up on the rooftops, with Dick dressed in his circus gear right beside him. They both looked out over Gotham’s foggy horizon, standing at the top of Wayne Tower.
“Now to simulate,” Bruce said. “Are you ready?”
Dick nodded, standing up straight in the middle of the Batcave. Bruce looked over at the TENS unit, turning one of the dials, teeth grinding as he pressed a button on the device.
Sudden, unbearable pain wormed its way into his nerves from the electrodes, shattering every thought in his mind. For a very brief second, Dick thought he could tolerate the pain. But then it kept coming, unrelenting, large rolling waves of it that shook him down to his core. His vision blurred in the darkness of the batcave, the shapes of the room lit up by screen lights dissolved into mist. He didn’t even feel his knees hit the floor as his legs gave out and he barely managed to brace himself on his hands to avoid smacking his head against the floor.
From there, Dick could only focus on keeping his jaw shut, a whine squeezing through his teeth to keep himself from screaming. The pain kept coming. The shaking wouldn’t stop. He became one fully exposed nerve, unable to comprehend anything else, barely scraping by the skin of his teeth not to beg Bruce to stop, please stop. I can’t take it. I can’t take it anymore, please-
The pain relented. The electrodes on his body stopped vibrating with sensation, and Dick felt awareness slowly come back to him. Tears dripped down his face and chin onto the floor.
“Dick,” Bruce said, announcing his presence. The man was closer to him now, kneeling down beside him. There was terror in his voice.
Dick opened his mouth, ready to beg him to stop. He didn’t think he could take anymore of that. He wanted to be Robin so badly, but this…
“Repeat after me,” Bruce redirected him instead. “This suffering is temporary.”
It took Dick a moment to get his tongue to work enough to form syllables again. Movements slowed in his dry mouth as he struggled to repeat the mantra aloud once more. Once he did, however, each statement gave a deeper context that Dick’s mind latched onto.
The pain had stopped. He was fine, albeit a bit shaky. When he recited the last part of the mantra, he thought of Bruce and him again, looking over Gotham. That was his future, if and only if he endured. He couldn’t allow himself to take it back. He couldn’t say those words out loud. Especially not when Bruce was on the edge, the man second guessing himself, wondering in every moment whether he made a mistake allowing Dick to do this.
Bruce stood up and grabbed Dick a cup of water before explaining they would go through the process one more time today, and then he should expect it to come with training every so often, in longer and longer periods.
Dick merely nodded, putting on a reassuring smile for the man. He knew he needed to be able to endure this, both for his sake and Bruce’s sake. There was no other alternative. He needed to reach that future in his mind, and somehow, that managed to make the pain just a small amount more tolerable.
It was still a relief at the end when Bruce told him they were done training and that he needed to work on his homework and sleep. Dick shakily obeyed, giving Bruce another reassuring smile and helping him remove the electrodes from his body. The TENS unit was stored away in a desk drawer, and he was sent back to the manor to shower and change. He started to shakily walk up the long stairwell just as Alfred walked down with a tray of tea and cookies.
“Master Dick,” Alfred greeted, looking over him with sad eyes. “Upstairs, I did my best to replicate the chocolate sponge cake you described. Forgive me if it doesn’t quite taste like the cakes you would get in Romania.”
Dick heard ‘chocolate sponge cake’ and suddenly any leftover pain or shakiness from the TENS unit was wiped from his mind and body as excitement surged through him and pushed him to race up the stairs to get ahold of his favorite treat.
He didn’t see Alfred walk up to Bruce with ice cold rage in his eyes and disgust in every frown line. He didn’t see Bruce finally crack, fully realizing what he had done and what he would have to do to prepare Dick for the life ahead of him.
In Dick’s first night of captivity, the first time that Slade revealed that he could simply push a button and end the lives of his team and dearest friends, he only used the button once to make Dick give up his communicator and replace his own clothes for a new uniform bearing Slade’s colors.
Dick tried not to think about the fact that the uniform fit him almost perfectly. He tried not to think about his situation at all. His mind couldn’t accept it that Slade had blackmailed him, had essentially kidnapped him and trapped him here. His only focus was the trigger strapped to the villain’s wrist and he saw his only path forward.
Dick remained complacent while Slade had guided him into a cot in a small room for sleep. He remained calm when he woke up with the minimum amount of rest he needed to fight. He prepared himself to fight, even as Slade handed him an MRE from a large storage cabinet for breakfast.
And when Dick threw the first punch after finishing his meal, Slade blocked it, and calmly fought back, fully expecting that this was what would occur for the next few days.
It was hard to tell the passage of time. There was only the digital clock at the corner of the massive computer screen that displayed his team’s vital organs. And Dick tried to avoid looking at those screens whenever possible. The next best way for him to tell time was whenever Dick backed off enough for Slade to turn to the cabinet, unlock it, and retrieve another MRE to keep him fueled and energized.
Dick started to notice during those break periods that Slade didn’t bother feeding himself. The man never ate when Dick ate. He first wondered if Slade simply waited until Dick was asleep to eat. He would have to take off the mask to do so, so he understood the need to maintain his secret identity.
But Dick noticed during his second morning of captivity that the number of MRE’s only dwindled from the cabinet when he ate. Slade was not eating any of the food from that cabinet. He couldn’t understand why at first.
It wasn’t until halfway through that second full day of sparring that Dick started to realize that Slade may be a metahuman. There was no moment when Slade became exhausted. There was no indication that he was losing strength from fasting. The villain was almost completely unaffected by any of the punches or kicks Dick landed on him, and Dick knew that if he tried to fight anyone unenhanced like he did with Slade, they would have left with plenty of bruises at the very least.
Dick had enough stamina to go many many hours without tiring. Bruce had trained him to run ultra marathons if need be. He and Slade fought for another full day, and by the second day, neither opponent gave any indication that they were exhausted. Dick was, but he wouldn’t allow it to affect his technique. He couldn’t let his guard down even for a second.
By the third day of almost non-stop sparring, Dick slowly came to the horrifying realization that Slade would never tire from fighting as he had hoped. Dick wanted to eventually turn their ‘training’ into real fighting and show Slade he wasn’t some kid to mess with. He was Robin. He had the idea in his mind that if he just kept going, if he just kept fighting until Slade became exhausted and gave up, then Robin would take the trigger away from him and all of this would be over.
But Slade never showed any indication of getting tired even by that third day, and Dick’s muscles were so sore that it hurt with every inch of movement. He could still fight. He could still move, but the exhaustion was finally wearing him down to his seams.
And when the seams finally snapped, Slade did not react in the same way that Bruce did, with mercy and understanding. Slade instead grabbed his half-assed thrown punch, twisted his arm and slammed down on his elbow with enough force for Dick to feel the bone crack underneath his skin.
Dick ground his teeth in agony, letting out all the air from his lungs. He withdrew his arm and raised his other in defense as Slade threw another series of punches at him.
There was no mistaking it. His arm was bent at an angle that would be impossible to fight with. Dick persevered, ignoring the crippling, agonizing pain shooting through his right arm, focusing on sending kicks to get Slade to back off. Whenever Dick started to gather more and more distance from the man, Slade would take it as an indication to take a break.
But like a spider that had finally caught its victim in its web, Slade was no longer stopping to let him recover.
Dick tried to defend with just his left, but Slade easily took advantage of the flimsy defense and sent another gut-wrenching punch to his stomach, adding another layer to the bruises around his torso. Dick instinctively tried to defend his lower half, only to take another punch to the jaw.
“Stop,” he said, almost pleading. The embarrassment stung, but it was nowhere as bad as the earth-shattering pain in his arm or the hot, pulsing ache in his ribs.
Slade quietly ignored him, merely sending plenty of kicks his way. Dick dodged them desperately, knowing he was in a bad position. Slade was taller than him. Dick was in the best position to fight close up, where Slade’s longer limbs couldn’t find full extension. But Dick couldn’t keep fighting like this, and so he was forced to keep away, and risk putting himself in more danger.
Dick tried to back away as Slade gave him an amused look, not the slightest bit guilty as the man followed Dick around, not letting him escape for even a second. Slade expected him to fight even injured like this. Dick was doing his best, but he hadn’t had to fight a villain in pain like this in a very long time. Usually he’d have found an escape plan, or some way to notify Bruce that he was compromised. He’s never been this badly injured during a mission with the Titans. He hadn’t had to fight through pain like this for this long since his very first years of training with Bruce.
Slade threw another upper roundhouse kick and it was automatically ingrained in Dick to raise his injured arm to defend himself. He let out a scream as the kick connected and he was knocked to the ground, gasping for breath.
He felt another kick aimed straight to his kidney as he tried to turn and twist away, desperately crawling across the floor to avoid the next hit. Slade walked up to him and pressed his boot right onto his broken arm. Gut-wrenching pain speared through him, his vision went white, and all the air left his chest like a deflating balloon.
“Slade! Stop! Stop!” Dick gasped in pure agony. “Stop! Please!”
Slade finally relented and lifted his foot. The man sighed, disappointed. “Pathetic,” he remarked before walking away.
Dick’s head was swimming. He was struggling to breathe. He couldn’t think or move from his position on the ground. Everything hurt, his right arm just a focal point in the entire ocean of pain. Slade was insane. He knew that, he just didn’t realize the extent. The villain had said he wanted Dick as his apprentice. Did the man really expect him to do anything he wanted with a broken arm? Dick wasn’t going to fully heal from this for months.
He laid there for what felt like several minutes, just trying to control his breathing, before his circumstances finally hit him. He couldn’t deny it any longer. He was Slade’s captive. He was utterly helpless.
But Bruce had given him the tools to keep himself sane.
This suffering is temporary. Dick thought to himself.
I can transcend anything that doesn’t kill me. The searing pain in his arm started to quiet down just a bit more.
There will be a future where I am happy.
Bruce was right. Finding a scenario where he could be happy was easy. He immediately pictured himself with Starfire, Cyborg, Raven, and Beast Boy all sitting on the couch together, watching reruns of Invasion X. It was a realistic future if he could get his hands on that trigger. He clung to that image in his mind more and more, gripping it tightly with all the strength he had, and in turn the thought gave him a brief semblance of serenity despite the hopelessness of his circumstances.
Slade eventually returned, hands folded behind his back as he sneered down at his prey. “Stubborn boy. As much as I admire your everlasting fighting spirit, you need to let it sink into your head now that you’ve been beaten.”
Dick glared at the man with contempt. “Can’t do what you want if I’m too injured,” he said through gritted teeth. Maybe, just maybe, he had found a temporary loophole in all of this.
“Exactly,” Slade replied, as if everything was going entirely to plan. He paced around Dick lazily. “As you have probably figured out, Robin, I am a metahuman. My blood can very quickly heal that broken arm of yours, and we happen to both be A positive, correct?”
Dick didn’t respond to the question. Slade was right, but he shouldn’t know that. Only his medical records stated that, but he would never have access to something like that unless…
It was a guess. Just a good guess. A positive is the second most common blood type after O positive. There’s no way…
“Of course,” Slade added. “You can refuse my blood. You can choose to lie on the ground in this state, entirely useless to me.” He lifted up his wrist where the trigger was strapped. “And if you cannot perform your duties as my apprentice, well…”
Dick’s breath caught in his throat. He had wondered when Slade would finally throw the trigger in his face again. He had never even considered that this would be the next thing that he would be forced into doing.
“What’s in your blood?” Dick asked. “What will it do?”
Slade turned away for a moment, as if considering how much information he should give. “I was among many soldiers given a government-tested, highly classified serum in 1965,” he explained in a dismissive tone. “Some died. Some survived. I was one of the few to gain all the benefits from the serum. ”
“So, it could still kill me,” Dick said. “Or it could do nothing. What happens then?”
Slade shrugged, presenting his answer in a mocking tone as he turned back to Dick and peered down at him with his single eye. “You already know what happens if your arm doesn’t heal. And well, I could pretend to reassure you that killing you by accident would mean that I would hold to my word and spare the rest of your team…”
Dick got his answer. If he died, even by Slade’s hand, his friends would follow him. A brief image of Starfire, Cyborg, Raven and Beast flashed in his mind, all four maintaining their routines, training, patrolling, and maintaining hope that their leader would return. They wouldn’t see it coming. All of a sudden their insides burning inside them as they all died an agonizing death. Bile rose to Dick’s throat at the thought.
“But are you really going to refuse and guarantee the death of the Titans?” Slade finished, merely curious to what Dick’s choice would be. The villain treated both options with an equally mild interest. Threatening to murder four innocent lives from his own technology had no effect on his conscience.
The same could not be said for Dick.
“Okay,” Dick said, his mind reeling from what he was about to ‘consent’ to. He had to take in a metahuman’s blood. He had no idea what that would do to him, how it would affect him, physically or mentally. He couldn’t consider the ramifications, not when his friends' lives were on the line.
“Okay, what?” Slade pressed him, like a teacher correcting a student’s grammar. Yet the trigger on his hand heightened every interaction to a nuclear threat.
“I’ll…” Dick’s breath caught in his throat as he signed his life away once more. “I’ll take the blood.”
With the answer given, Slade pulled him up roughly by his unbroken arm and then quietly led him back to Dick’s room. They left the cavernous area resembling a warehouse filled with ticking cogs over to the narrow hallway towards his room. Dick felt the world sweep by him as they entered the room.
"On the bed," Slade instructed, and Dick obeyed, nearly collapsing from pain and exhaustion.
Soon enough though, Slade pulled out leather straps from his pocket, and adrenaline raced through him once more.
Dick sat up as if he was electrocuted when he saw the implements. “What are you doing?”
“Ensuring that you take the full dose,” Slade replied as he held up the straps. “Are you going to fight me on this?”
“I already agreed to it,” Dick argued, eyes zeroing in on the restraints. “There’s no need for that.”
“Forgive me if I don’t believe you just yet,” Slade shot back, before giving him a gentle pat on his left shoulder. “Relax Robin. It was standard procedure in my unit back then, and it’s for your protection now… Just in case you have a more severe reaction.”
Dick gritted his teeth, unable to find an argument against it, but the thought of letting Slade strap him down to the bed was pushing too many boundaries that he didn’t want crossed. He reminded himself that he didn’t have a choice as he shakily lowered himself down on the bed. He had to do it for his friends, his team. There was no alternative, despite Slade presenting it as such.
The villain proceeded to strap in his legs, chest, and arms, uncaring as he harshly jarred Dick’s broken arm. Dick barely managed to muffle his cry in agony. A part of him wanted to ask for painkillers, but the idea of risking a change to his mental state in front of Slade held him back.
Just take the blood and it’ll be fine. This will all be over soon, Dick told himself.
Ignoring Dick’s internal conflict, Slade left the room. It left Dick enough time to shut his eyes and focus.
“This suffering is temporary,” Bruce reminded him in the back of his mind, guiding him to go through his mantra. He needed to stop denying his situation for what it was. He hated thinking this way, not when he could so easily fight his way out in any other scenario. But Slade found the perfect type of blackmail to keep him here and fully compliant.
He had been kidnapped. He was a captive. The proof was there in the leather straps keeping him on the bed. He needed to confront this, so that he could actually use the tools Bruce had given him so long ago to actually help him through this.
“I can transcend anything that doesn’t kill me,” Dick whispered aloud. A broken arm. Receiving metahuman blood against his will. This was just the tip of the iceberg depending on how long he would be forced to be Slade’s captive. If Slade’s blood worked, and the villain was going to use his own healing factor to keep Dick alive and useful, there was plenty that the man could do to torture and injure him without having to deal with any permanent consequences. The thought was terrifying in itself, but he needed to endure. He had to endure.
“There will be a future where I am happy,” Dick whispered to himself with emphasis.
Starfire, Cyborg, Raven and Beast Boy. All of them, happy together, simply enjoying each other’s company as they did every day since they all first fought together and saved Jump City from Starfire’s kidnappers. His situation was finally sinking in. He was slowly accepting it, but he knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Bruce had made sure that he wouldn’t ever forget that light.
Slade entered the room, Dick’s eyes snapped open again, immediately spotting the pint of blood, tubing and needles in the villain’s hands. He heard the scraping of a small table as Slade began to organize the medical supplies.
The moment before the injection was brief. An antiseptic wipe was rubbed on the crook of his arm and then the needle went in afterwards, quick enough to be painless. Slade quickly attached the tubing, which then filled with blood. Dick waited for something to happen; his arm to start burning, his skin to turn red in a horrible reaction. Yet nothing seemed to go wrong just yet. Slade’s blood wasn’t an immediate poison as he feared it would be.
Then soon enough, Dick felt the bones in his arm start to painfully move back into place. His entire body twitched as white hot fiery pain seared through his arm once more. But he could tell that the healing factor was working as the full realization that Dick was getting Slade’s enhancements sunk in. Despite the fact that there were plenty of times that he wished he had superpowers, he never expected that he’d get them like this.
Dick bit his lip as he waited. He reminded himself that most metahumans that weren’t born with their powers didn’t exactly get powers the way they wanted to either. He had come across plenty of metahumans that viewed their powers as a curse more than anything else.
Endure. Just be grateful that your arm is going to heal. Your friends will live….
Dick only noticed then that Slade hadn’t left the room. He had been merely observing Dick’s reaction. He stepped forwards, gently feeling for the bone knitting itself back together.
“Don’t,” Dick said, barely holding back a whimper. His arm still hurt, and Slade’s touch and scrutinizing eye burned through his skin and down to his core. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want any of this, but he couldn’t figure a way out of it.
“Just as I suspected,” Slade said, satisfied by Dick’s reaction. “Congratulations Robin. Your friends get to live another day.”
“Shut up,” Dick spat viciously, feeling cornered. The villain’s reassurance was too mocking to be sincere. “Don’t touch me.”
“Or maybe not,” Slade poised instead, standing up straighter, his single eye glowing with excitement at the prospect of murder. “Is that how an apprentice speaks to his master?”
Dick’s mouth went dry as ice cold fear rose up through his esophagus. Was Slade that sensitive? Was all of this for nothing, just to have his friends die because he snapped at the man?
“I’m sorry,” Dick quickly amended. “Please don’t kill them.”
“Of course,” Slade confirmed with a grave warning. “Then I expect nothing but obedience from my apprentice. For your friends’ sake, I wouldn’t act in a way that would make me question otherwise.”
With that, Slade reached forward, first running a hand through his hair in a gentle petting motion. Goosebumps shot up Dick’s spine as he endured the touch. To his horror, Slade slowly moved the back of his hand even lower, caressing his forehead, then trailing down his cheek, fingers grazing the edge of his lips. Dick’s vision blurred as he felt the walls closing in around him. He could do nothing but feel utterly stunned at the violating intimate touch.
Dick knew he shouldn’t ignore this. This was another warning. Slade told him that their relationship was that of a teacher and student, but this was getting into dangerous territory that he was not prepared to face. He didn’t want to acknowledge the look that Slade was giving him, despite the uniform the man had given him, he felt completely exposed, fully vulnerable. He suddenly wished he had more layers on top of the skin-tight kevlar he was forced to put on to keep his friends alive.
To Dick’s immediate relief, Slade withdrew his hand, smirking under the mask. “Rest a bit longer, apprentice. We’ll go back to our usual schedule very soon.”
And soon enough, Dick could do nothing but wait as his arm healed, as the metahuman blood ran through him. He was left alone, exhausted yet adrenaline still racing as his mind replayed Slade’s last action.
It was just posturing. Nothing more. Slade had always given him a creepy vibe. It didn’t mean that…
Dick grit his teeth and closed his eyes, trying to will his racing mind to calm enough to get enough sleep for the days ahead.
When Dick woke up next, the IV was gone, along with the restraints. He slowly crawled off of the bed, feeling utterly exhausted and weak, his limbs heavier than normal. But he pushed forwards and stumbled over to the sink, grabbing the toothbrush Slade gave him and scrubbed his mouth clean. Despite the minty flavor, he still couldn’t remove the permanent taste of copper from his mouth since his first day of captivity.
He gulped down a few handfuls of water and splashed some more on his face before staring up at the blank wall above the sink. Slade hadn’t given him a mirror. Dick didn’t need one, not for this.
“This suffering is temporary,” Dick said out loud, unashamed if Slade heard him.
“I can transcend anything that doesn’t kill me.” There was plenty Slade could do to him, vile and cruel things and having a healing factor in his blood widened those possibilities.
But Slade couldn’t take away this.
“There will be a future where I am happy.”
Dick proceeded to picture Starfire, Cyborg, Raven and Beast Boy in his mind, holding onto the visual of his friends and the peace it brought him. He lived, he endured for them. He could accept that. It was worth all of it for them.
With that, Dick turned to exit his sad excuse for a bedroom and struggled to push the heavy metal door open. He felt exceptionally weak, but he couldn’t tell if it was from the blood donation or simply from sparring for three days straight.
Dick made sure to note this time that there was an unused lock on his bedroom door. Slade hadn’t bothered to try and lock him in, yet… He knew that moment might come eventually. Maybe Slade didn’t need to sleep as often as Dick did, but he must need to rest at some point, hopefully. Dick just had to remain calm and observe. He had to wait for just the right moment to sneak up to him and grab the trigger before the threat of being locked in his room came true.
Dick walked over to the metal table next to the cabinet of MREs that barely represented a kitchen. Alfred wouldn’t stand for Dick even thinking of the area like a kitchen. Even Cyborg, who managed to whip up delicious home cooked meals in between the collection of dirty pans in the sink and mold growing in their fridge wouldn’t even call it a kitchen.
But Slade had left an MRE on the table for him, and so he sat down and started to tear away the packaging, uncertain of when his next meal would come. He glanced over at the cabinet, wondering if he ever will need to pick the lock in the future.
Slade finally decided to appear, walking up to the table and sitting down, setting down a laptop and typing and staring intently at the screen.
“You should feel ill for a time,” Slade explained, almost absentmindedly. “That’s perfectly normal. The symptoms should lessen since you were given my antibodies to deal with the serum as well.”
Dick let out a breath. He reminded himself that he could still have a bad reaction to Slade’s blood. He could still die from this. As soon as he tore open the paper wrapping and revealed a package of chicken noodle stew, he could feel a wave of intense nausea come over him.
“Have you…” Dick took a breath, finding it hard to speak past the lump in his throat. “Have you donated your blood to anyone else?”
Slade ignored the question. “With enough sessions, you should be able to significantly reduce your calorie intake without resulting in a significant loss of muscle mass.”
Dick didn’t know why he bothered to open the package. Maybe it was the fact that Slade had just openly admitted that he planned to starve him that forced him to push past the nausea and rip open the plastic. But the sudden smell of the cold chicken and broth struck him very suddenly. He turned over and vomited up stomach acid right next to his chair.
“You’ll be cleaning that up,” Slade warned him as his single eye lifted from his screen to glare at him.
Dick couldn’t even imagine a time where he’d feel okay enough to be performing simple chores such as cleaning for Slade. His body felt like it was just plunged in ice water. He was suddenly freezing, despite the sweat dripping from his skin. He was gasping for air again, finding the ability to breathe too difficult once more. The world was spinning around him, making him feel dizzier than ever. He tried to grab onto the table for support. He suddenly felt like someone was forcefully rubbing sand against the newly healed bones in his arm, shooting agonizing pain through his body.
Slade had eventually walked over and pushed a glass to his lips. “Rinse out your mouth,” he ordered.
Dick obeyed, forcing down bile as he gulped the water. He didn’t dare swallow it and risk throwing up again so instead he spit it back into the cup. He let out a wheezing breath.
“I think,” Dick gasped. “I think I have sepsis.”
It was the only thing he could compare it to. A major blood infection… He’s only experienced this once before, when he made the horrible mistake of getting within an arm’s distance to the Joker and was immediately slashed against the chest with a knife poisoned with god knows what. It was enough to give him one of the worst illnesses he’s ever experienced in his life, but at the very least Bruce and Dr. Thompson were there immediately to help him out of it. He had hoped to never experience something like that again, but it looked like he wasn’t that lucky.
Slade took it all in stride. “You’re fine. This is all quite normal. The serum will do its job to protect you from infection.”
Dick wasn’t too sure about that. “Oh god,” he gasped. “I’m going to die.” He was fully convinced of it. He was definitely going to die.
Slade let out a huff in frustration and grabbed Dick’s uninjured arm. “Follow me. I have a solution.”
Dick did, hoping that Slade would know a way for him to stop feeling like this. He really did feel like he was going to die as his surroundings spun around him. He stumbled over his own feet, dizzy, unable to concentrate as he was pulled back into his room and guided back onto the bed. Slade left the room for a moment, leaving Dick shaking with pain and nausea as he clutched the edge of the bed for some sense of stability. He waited for a time, letting his stomach settle and the pain start to dull.
Slade came back with a bucket and placed it next to the bed. “Do you feel like you’re going to throw up again?”
Dick shook his head. “No,” he said. He didn’t feel nauseous anymore, just pain and chills and dizziness. He still felt like he could only just barely get enough air in, every breath labored, stealing away his strength and concentration.
“Good,” Slade replied. The villain seemed oddly pleased.
It was something in Slade’s response that made Dick immediately regret his answer. Another layer of dread had seemingly built up in his chest on top of the breathless panic from dying. He should have lied. He really should have lied to Slade. He didn’t know why, but he knew that telling Slade what his symptoms were easing up had done absolutely nothing to help him. He should’ve lied and said yes. He should’ve forced himself to throw up in front of Slade. Why didn’t he just lie?
Slade interrupted Dick berating himself by swiftly climbing onto the bed, straddling a very ill Dick at the waist, and proceeded to grab Dick’s pants, pulling down the zipper.
“What are you-” Dick raised both hands up, trying desperately to push Slade away, but his limbs were too weak to fight off anyone right about now. His newly healing arm was nothing more than a limp noodle. “Stop! Slade! Stop!”
Dick was beginning to think that his words didn’t have any meaning to Slade, because the man, monster, proceeded to expose his cock to the open air, despite any protests. He desperately tried to push Slade’s invading hands away.
It was enough to frustrate Slade more than anything else. He quickly grabbed Dick by the throat. “You still can’t fight or train or do anything else useful for me yet.”
Dick glared up at the man. “That’s- that’s your fault. Your blood made me sick.”
“Because you foolishly fought a metahuman beyond your basic human limits and then started to make mistakes,” Slade replied. “You need to realize the situation you’re in, and I’m not going to go easy on you or hold your hand through it.” The villain’s hands moved to the zipper of his own pants. “Take this as a gift, or at the very least, a distraction.”
“This isn’t…” Dick gasped out. Talking was still a struggle, but he used what breath he had to summarize the situation as simply as possible. “This… this is rape.”
He had no idea that Slade would try to pull this on him. He couldn’t comprehend it. He had prepared himself for physical torture, but nothing sexual. Not like this. He should’ve known. Maybe a part of him did know but didn’t want to acknowledge it. All the looks Slade sent his way. All the touches he’s endured when they weren’t fighting. All the signs indicated Slade had an unhealthy obsession with him. Dick could only respond to all of this by turning to the side to hide his own shame, his own disappointment in himself that he hadn’t figured out the full extent of Slade’s madness.
Slade let out an amused chuckle. “Poor Robin. Always the victim. Fine then. You have a choice.”
He lifted his wrist to Dick’s face, displaying the trigger inches from his cheek, thumb just barely touching the button, threatening to destroy everything Dick loved. “I’ll stop right now if you’d like. I’ll even let you walk out of here without a fight. You can end this anytime you want.”
Seeing the button froze Dick in his tracks, eyes staring up at the trigger that had ruined his life. It was right there within reach. He was tempted to try and grab for it right now, but he was so vulnerable, curled up in the fetal position, with his cock almost out on display. He felt sicker and weaker than he ever had in his life. He could barely get enough air in his lungs still. He was drowning and Slade just shoved the ultimatum in his face once more.
“Who shall I kill first, then?” Slade taunted when Dick didn’t respond as quickly as he did last time. “Koriand’r? You two seemed quite close. What would it look like for my nanobots to tear her Tamaranean body apart? I studied her biology extensively to be sure and tailored them specific to her. We’ll have to watch and see what happens, won’t we?”
Dick resisted the urge to cry as all of the fight died out of him. “Don’t,” he pleaded between gasps. “Please don’t.” The words were so difficult to speak aloud, but he needed to. He couldn’t let them die. He would never forgive himself if Starfire died. Trading his body for this would never be as horrible as letting anyone on his team die for his freedom. “...d-don’t kill them… please...”
Slade zipped down his own pants and adjusted himself on the cot. “Lie on your back and spread your legs for me.”
“Slade, please don’t,” Dick found himself pleading before he could stop himself. Even as he said the words, he knew nothing he said would change anything. Begging wasn’t going to inspire any sympathy in Slade. The fact that this was going to happen and there was nothing Dick could do about it filled him with a newly distinct and indescribable terror. “Please. Not this. Please, anything but this.”
“I’m only giving you one other alternative, apprentice. What will it be?”
Dick’s eyes grew wet, but he barely held back the urge to fully cry right then and there. He should’ve expected Slade’s harsh response. The villain acted like he didn’t care either way, treating getting pleasure from raping Dick or murdering his friends with equal amounts of excitement. The monster waited patiently for Dick’s response and Dick desperately wondered how long he could draw out the seconds, cherishing each one before his fate was fully sealed.
“I think I’m gonna throw up,” Dick said finally, an attempt to prolong his answer.
Slade let out a sigh before sitting up and helping Dick turn over to face the pot he brought in. Dick tried to will some part of his mind to vomit, but nothing came up beyond a few dry heaves. He wondered if it would be more effective to shove his fingers down his throat, but then that would give away his fragile attempt to delay the inevitable.
Slade saw Dick’s strategy eventually and moved his hand back to trigger. “Don’t play games. If you're feeling indecisive, I can easily make the decision for you.”
“Okay! Okay! Wait!” Dick gasped before shakily turning back to face Slade and quickly moving his legs wider apart, allowing the monster to get fully comfortable in between them.
Slade gave him a pleased look behind the mask. “Good boy,” he praised, before wrapping his hand around Dick’s throat, giving a light squeeze as a warning. “You fight me on this again, and I won’t hesitate to use those restraints to keep you in place, understood?”
Dick nodded, lungs freezing at the thought that not only would he have to endure sexual assault, but Slade would tie him down in the process.
“Understood?” Slade repeated firmly, expecting a vocal response.
“Yes, u-understood,” Dick quickly replied, failing to hide the terror and shakiness in his voice.
Slade let up on his grip around Dick’s throat and gave him a gentle caress on his face. “Understood, master,” he corrected, his voice calm again. “But we’ll work on that.”
Slade then proceeded to reach back down and unzip his own pants. Dick looked away, wanting to be anywhere else as Slade fisted their cocks together. He had at least hoped that he didn’t react at all to the touches, but his body was still shivering, unwillingly feeling relief as Slade’s body heat warmed him like a blanket. Soon enough, Slade had pulled out a packet of lube and suddenly the touches started to turn softer and make him hard. He wasn’t here. This wasn’t happening to him. He was anywhere else but here…
Dick had left his body until Slade got up off the bed. His breathing had finally calmed, but he felt wet in certain spots, and utterly disgusting everywhere else. Shame seeped into his bones like molasses and his skin was crawling again.
Dick closed his eyes. He went back to Bruce’s mantra. Just as he suspected, it truly was the only thing left that Slade couldn’t possibly take away from him.
-
Dick had a feeling that Raven --despite not telling anyone else on the team what really happened to him-- had threatened everyone else never to ask him about Slade when he finally returned to the Titans. He was grateful for it, because the last thing he wanted was to be reminded of those four months. Despite the nightmares, flashbacks, and scattered moments of extreme panic alone in his room, he forced himself to grit his teeth and pretend none of it had happened. He did everything he could. He followed everything that Bruce would have told him to do in that situation. The rape kit was the final nail in the coffin. He just needed to move on and focus on actually stopping bad guys the way he used to.
Unfortunately, life wasn’t that simple and this wasn’t the end to Slade’s horrible influence. And unexpectedly, his next obsession happened to be Terra, the small waif with uncontrollable earth powers that barged her way into their lives and charmed Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire with her bright smile and easygoing attitude.
Dick was willing to give the girl a chance, trying to remain a neutral party in all of this. He had to be the leader, so he couldn’t outright take Raven’s side, who deemed Terra too suspicious to trust, nor would he allow himself to be fully trusting like Beast Boy and Starfire would. Cyborg had far more moments of fun and games with her, but he quickly deferred to Dick whenever it came to decisions on the team that didn’t always play in Terra’s favor.
Dick could see and understand all of his team’s opinions on Terra, positive or negative. He loved and had fought for his team in ways that very few people could understand. So after a long night of destroying an army of Slade-bots that had broken into the tower, Beast Boy returned in the aftermath looking ready to cry. Dick had to shove down his panic at the thought of Beast Boy and Terra alone with Slade. He looked mostly unharmed until…
“Terra was working for Slade,” Beast Boy admitted. “She let them get past our security.”
“What? Terra!” Starfire immediately said with wide eyes. “Why would she do such a thing?”
“I knew it,” Raven spat, the shadows around her growing larger and darker. “I knew adding her to our team was a mistake. She was out of control. She was irresponsible. We told her that Slade was dangerous and she jumped to help him the second she left the first time.”
“She was scared!” Beast Boy exploded back. “She was on the run for years before she met us. Raven, you did everything you could to push her to Slade’s side!”
“I don’t think Raven was the one who pushed Terra to give out our security codes,” Cyborg tried to mediate. “Sorry BB. You were too wrapped up in your crush to see it.”
“I wasn’t wrapped up in anything-”
“None of us saw this coming,” Dick finally said, before Beast Boy could argue any further. “This wasn’t Raven’s fault. This wasn’t anyone’s fault but Slade’s. Beast Boy’s right to say she was probably scared. Slade…” He took a shuddering breath, shoving down the surfacing memories into a deep dark hole. “He’s manipulative. He’ll take advantage of anyone’s situation, and Terra was the most vulnerable.”
Beast Boy gave him a horrified look. “What’s going to happen to her?”
Dick couldn’t say it. His whole body tensed. Maybe he could understand her decision to side with Slade. Maybe. Maybe she was like the girlfriends and wives Dick encountered while tracking certain criminals down with Batman. They often had bruises underneath their clothes, with weary faces and sallow skin while they adamantly told Bruce and him that their violent, murdering, thieving, abusive partners loved them so deeply.
Maybe it was the same twisted form of Stockholm Syndrome that reared its ugly head in Dick’s mind when he was trying to sleep, forcing him to remember moments when Slade praised him, or did little things, like help bandage the wounds the man had just inflicted on him. The thoughts that made him believe that it wouldn’t be as bad if he was just obedient enough. Those thoughts were the most distressing to him. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way.
“Beast Boy,” Raven warned, a serious threat implicit in her voice.
“What’s Slade going to do to her?!” Beast Boy said, looking on the verge of tears.
“I don’t know,” Dick replied weakly, his voice breaking. He didn’t even want to imagine what Terra had been taught, trained, to accept as a normal part of living with Slade. There wasn’t abuse. There wasn’t torture. There wasn’t rape. That life just became the new normal in the four month blur that he had experienced. He’d been desperately trying to recalibrate back to his old life and it's been a struggle ever since.
“Beast Boy,” Starfire said, her voice calmer than anyone else’s in the room. She walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. “Terra has betrayed us all, but that does not mean she isn’t a victim. She is strong and she will survive, and maybe she will eventually come back to us again. We may not trust her as easily as we did before, but we can all acknowledge that while she is at fault, Slade was the one who ultimately motivated her to make these choices.”
Everyone in the damaged, broken remains of the tower deflated. Beast Boy finally turned and headed to his room. They all watched him limp away before Cyborg let out a frustrated sigh, realizing how much he would have to fix.
“Get some rest, everyone,” Dick ordered, pointedly to Starfire and Raven. Perhaps Raven could help them fix their security system, but only hours after she cooled off and got ahold of her emotions again. “Cyborg, I’ll help you set up the new security system. We’ll need to make new passcodes.”
“I’m gonna need to make a new midnight sandwich for this,” Cyborg grumbled.
“Go ahead,” Dick replied back. “I’ll be with you in a moment.”
Cyborg gave him a quick salute as they headed to their destinations, Cyborg to the kitchen, Dick back to his room. Dick took a shuddering breath as he pulled the door open, all electricity shut off, and then slammed the door shut, leaving him in the darkness of his room.
It was then that Dick realized that there was a ringing in his ears, white noise in his brain, a prickling behind his eyes. His whole body started to shake and he collapsed to the ground as he gasped for breath.
He was back in that room again. His room… The door was locked. Slade had cameras set up in the corners of the ceiling. He’d even shut off the water from his sink, preventing Dick from finding any relief, anything when he had been locked in for hours and hours on end, until Slade needed him again. Until Slade decided he was worth bringing back out to steal for him, or to satisfy his sexual urges.
Dick ripped the mask off his face, despite the familiar invasive feeling of bugs crawling underneath his skin. Terra had probably bugged the place. He’d have to go around looking for any hidden cameras. But it didn’t matter. Slade already knew it all. He knew everything there was to know about Dick Grayson. In those four months, the monster had explored and infiltrated every aspect of Dick’s life and set up home there. Terra didn’t need to collect information on the Teen Titans. Slade already had it. There was no point, other than to test her loyalty.
Dick leaned against the wall, hand pressed against his mouth as he tried to keep his mental breakdown silent. He had to keep it together. He was the leader again. He couldn’t show weakness. Raven would get worried and demand he see a therapist. Cyborg had already added private help-lines to his phone, and a number to call to schedule for a therapy session. Starfire would no longer ramble about her own thoughts to him as often, instead giving him this sad look, as if pleading with him to open up but not wanting to pressure him about it. And now Beast Boy, terrified out of his mind for Terra, desperately asking what was going to happen to her.
This suffering is temporary. Was it? Dick was beginning to wonder if it would ever end. He had escaped, yet he still constantly felt panicked, on edge, disgusting, and ashamed.
I can transcend anything that doesn’t kill me. Except there were days now where he wished for the alternative. There was a growing, nagging part of him that wished he didn’t leave his team to fight Cinderblock. A part of him wished that he didn’t go to Slade’s hideout on his own. Even if that meant his body would have been infiltrated with nanobots. Even if that meant he would’ve died that night with his team. Dick never tried to entertain a choice that didn’t happen. They were pointless to give weight. Yet this one played out in his mind over and over again like a broken record, and the thought of wishing for such a quick merciless end for himself and one that doomed his friends only amplified his guilt tenfold.
There will be a future where I am happy.
And that was the worst part. The most crushing, disappointing aspect of it all. Dick had thought that when he returned to his friends, his team, he would be happy again. The thought had helped him survive his entire four month nightmare.
But the moment that got him through that was brief. Dick was happy for the short period when the Teen Titans could stop and relax and enjoy each other’s company. He had been infinitesimally relieved and happy to be with his friends again, alive and well, just as they were before.
But the moment ended, and then they had to fight Slade again. And now, Dick knew everything that Slade was capable of, and the thought that anyone, let alone one of his teammates, his dearest friends that he sacrificed everything he could give to keep alive and well, would have to come in contact with that monster again.
It left him terrified, unable to breathe, unable to think clearly, unable to lead his team. He desperately resorted to going back to Bruce’s mantra. But the mantra was only supposed to get him through those four months. It wasn’t meant to fix this, despite him still needing to go back to it to calm himself down, to even give himself the motivation to keep going on. The mantra wasn’t enough to fully fight off the nightmares and panic attacks.
His laptop made a beeping noise, breaking him out of his spiraling thoughts. It was the only piece of tech still running on a battery in his room. Dick looked up and realized in horror who was calling. He rushed forwards, wiping tears from his eyes before quickly hitting the red button labeled ‘End Call’.
He wiped his nose and then quickly pulled up his email, quick to send out a message to reassure the person on the other end.
R: Terra was a mole for Slade. We had to shut down everything. It shouldn’t affect anything on your end, but I don’t want to risk it.
B: I’d believe you, but you’ve been hanging up on my calls for almost a year now. I can scrub things from my end and take the call in uniform to be safe.
R: No. It’s better this way. I don’t want to risk it. I’m serious when I said she was a mole.
B: If we discussed this in detail in the beginning through calls, this could’ve been prevented. I can only gather so much data from a few background records.
R: It’s fine. I know the drill. This is my responsibility. I’ll handle it.
There was a pause and for a moment, Dick thought that was the end of it.
B: Any injuries?
Dick took a sharp breath, looking around his room for his discarded mask. He walked over and grabbed it, placing it back on before turning back to the laptop. He could just send ‘ no injuries ’ in text but Bruce would want proof. His guardian had made enough threats to fly over to Jump City if he didn’t. Dick eventually gave in and as promised, he switched the camera on his laptop on.
Dick had a relatively positive opinion on his appearance before Slade. Sometimes he sweat a bit too much and had a few bumps of acne. Sometimes his hair looked a little flat even after he put hair gel into it. Sometimes he felt a bit insecure about being shorter compared to the men who were over 6 feet tall. But he felt he did well for himself, for fifteen years old, and there were times when Starfire looked at him and made him feel like he was worthy, like he earned the title ‘Robin’ and he could take pride in himself as a man.
And then that pride would shatter when his mind would be drawn back to the faces of the innocent people he hurt while wearing Slade’s colors. His mind would fixate on the hours of agony he felt locked up and starving and sick as his body was forced to adjust to extremes no normal human could survive. Any self-worth he had left was utterly destroyed the moment Slade had grabbed him by the hair, pressed his face into a pillow, fucked him until his body was scraped raw, and reminded him that was all that he was good for.
Dick tried to put on a reassuring smile for the camera and tried not to wince at the sight of himself. He purposefully aimed only to get his face in the shot, but even that was difficult to take a photo of. He sniffed loudly, hoping that he could stop the snot from running down his nose. He couldn’t overthink it. If he did, he’d be cringing at ugly images of himself for close to 10 minutes and then Bruce would get really worried.
Dick took the picture, his face pale and ghostly, only lit up by the light of the laptop. His face was still thinner compared to before Slade, but he had worked his way slowly to eating enough food --feeling a bit more human again-- that Cyborg wasn’t too worried about his overall weight anymore. He sent the photo without thinking too much about it. He didn’t want to stare at himself more than necessary.
R: I’m fine. No injuries. I need to go help Cyborg fix our security system.
B: When you’re done, call me. Alfred would like to see you and hear your voice.
Guilt writhed in Dick’s stomach as he shut the laptop closed. He pressed his palms to his eyes, taking in another shuddering breath. Bruce always did this. He always mentioned Alfred to try to get him to do something non-hero related. Most of it was true. Alfred always did worry that he was getting enough sleep. That he had spent enough time with kids his own age… That he drank enough water and his injuries were being treated properly and he was getting along with his teachers in school. Dick desperately wanted to see Alfred. He wanted to talk to him again and listen to him tell his old war stories for the five hundredth time and forget about his own problems, but…
Slade trailed his fingers down Dick’s thigh while Dick laid beside him, facing away and staring at the steel gray walls, desperately trying to zone out and pretend he wasn’t there. He was just a naked body with parts that Slade used to his own whim. The older man smirked, casually adjusting his pillow before relaxing behind him. Dick waited patiently, anticipating his dismissal, the relief that came when Slade grew tired of his silent unquestioning obedience, and the hope that he would be permitted to shower by himself.
“Do you know what I’ve realized, Richard Grayson,” Slade said, saying his full name mockingly, flaunting that he knew such vital information. “Is that you are far too tempting for your own good. How did Bruce Wayne never enjoy you like this?”
Dick wanted to dig a hole in the earth and never come up. He wanted to live in a world where he never heard those words come out of Slade’s mouth. He gripped the edge of the bed, willing himself to not think, to not feel, to disappear.
“I bet Wayne thought about you like this, all the time,” Slade said as he traced his finger over Dick’s emaciated hips. “He fantasized about having you in his bed just like I have.”
“Stop,” Dick pleaded. He couldn’t help himself. He knew saying it aloud would be wasted breath, but he didn’t want to hear this. Slade already took so much of him. How dare he take away the fatherly image of Bruce from him so easily with just a few poisonous words.
Slade grabbed him roughly by the neck and Dick tensed as suddenly his air was cut off. Damn his mouth… It would be one of those nights again where Slade would fuck him and choke him until he passed out. He should’ve kept his mouth shut. He should have kept silent so Slade would grow bored with him. Then the night would’ve ended and he could’ve gone back to his own room and possibly even gotten a shower.
“Does the truth hurt, apprentice?” Slade asked amused, his smirk and single gray eye boring into his soul.
Dick dug his nails into his scalp, hard enough to be painful. Don’t think about it. Stop it. It’s not true. He knew that Bruce didn’t think about him that way. But that truth was battling another side of his mind that now believed Slade had been right about everything. And the sadder truth was that he had been. The villain knew everything about him before he even took his mask off. He knew everything about his friends, about himself, about Bruce. He easily wormed his way into his life and poisoned every aspect of it. Even Terra, someone who Beast Boy had genuinely wanted to save, fell victim to it.
Dick felt like a fungus, rotting through everything and everyone he came in contact with, spreading Slade’s influence everywhere he went. The proof was there in front of him. Terra had sided with Slade and it was his fault. How long would it be before Slade turned that same influence on the rest of his friends? How far would he go to invade his life? Which person on his team would he focus on next? Or maybe he would go after his friends and family in Gotham. Oh god, was even Babs not safe?
He was spiraling again. This suffering is temporary. Except it wasn’t temporary. It was stuck inside him, permanently twisting and destroying every piece of hope and happiness the past Dick held dear.
I can transcend anything that doesn’t kill me. He should be grateful for that fact. He should be happy to be alive. He should be happy that his friends are alive. But instead he’s here, miles and miles away from Slade, months after escaping him, in place with people who care about him; surrounded with people he loved deeply, his friends that he sacrificed anything and everything for and would do so again in a heartbeat. And yet Dick couldn’t stop feeling the selfish, ugly, horrible feeling of wanting to die.
There will be a future where I am happy. Except he wasn’t happy in his future. Not anymore. It was then he realized he made a fundamental mistake when picking out the visual to keep him going. He had imagined his friends, alive, well, and safe from harm, and he had imagined himself with them, just as he was before Slade. But that was a past Dick who no longer existed. He had fundamentally changed in a way that the past version of himself felt so completely out of reach.
“Yo Rob!”
Dick heard pounding at the door and nearly jumped out of his skin. The sudden sound broke him right out of his thoughts. Cyborg let out a grunt as he shoved the door open, a flashlight poking out of an attachment in his shoulder shining right on Dick.
“You’re not just sitting in the dark there, are you?” Cyborg asked, his tone joking, but Dick could sense the underlying worry behind it.
“No, I-” Dick took a breath and tried to explain himself. He was sitting in the dark and brooding. His team didn’t really see much wrong with it before his captivity, but now Raven and Cyborg were especially careful about not letting him be alone like this after his time with Slade. He needed to stop all of this ruminating once and for all. People need him. “I was on the laptop. Sorry, I’m ready now.”
Dick pushed down those feelings as he joined Cyborg, hurrying to help fix their Tower system. His team still needed him. He needed to focus. He needed to stay sane and stop thinking like he did when he was surviving Slade. He was Robin and that meant people relied on him again.
As soon as Dick saw Starfire get hit in the head by a large rock and fall off the cliff, he was ready to leap after her. The Tamaranean was very powerful in her own right, able to shrug off most attacks that would’ve killed a normal human. But Terra knocked her unconscious, which meant that she hit her with enough force to instantly kill most living things on the planet.
Dick couldn’t even think of the consequences of her actions if she had actually hit him instead, the intended target. He would’ve died. Might’ve… He wasn’t sure… The tests confirmed that Slade’s blood left him enhanced. He knew that. He would’ve never survived that long with Slade without food or water if he wasn’t enhanced, but now he was living in a strange blurry existence where his mortality was a bit harder to predict.
Before he could react, he could hear Terra let out a cackle before flying away on her rock platform. She didn’t even stop to attack Dick afterwards. It seemed the more sadistic option to leave Dick to his negative emotions after Starfire was so brutally struck down.
“Cyborg and Raven’s got her, Robin. Don’t freak out.”
Beast Boy was the one to speak in his earpiece, stopping him from immediately jumping off the cliff after her. The normally immature, joking, carefree teammate had drastically changed since Terra betrayed them. Beast Boy had even come up with their agreed plan to make Terra believe she was picking off Teen Titans one by one. They needed to make sure Terra looked successful so that nothing would set Slade off.
In another life, Dick might’ve felt offended by Beast Boy taking a leadership role. It was so against his personality otherwise. But Dick couldn’t afford to lie to himself. He’s had too much trouble sleeping lately. He’s had too much trouble focusing on the usual superhero tasks that Bruce trained him to do for most of his life. He’s had trouble strategizing for his team, especially when it came to Slade. He’s even considered leaving, the thought of making another mistake when the consequences were so high were too devastating for him to handle right now.
But he couldn’t leave the rest of his team to deal with Slade on their own. Not now. Not when only Raven had any idea of how horrible the villain was, held to her promise of keeping the secret of Dick’s own shame and guilt. Not when any of them could be as vulnerable to Slade’s manipulation as he was… As Terra now is…
“Got her,” Cyborg said over the comm. “She’s still breathing. Just took a really bad hit. We’ll make sure she’s okay.”
Dick remained silent, relieved that Starfire was okay and safe. Tamaranean lungs could last much longer underwater than humans, but he didn’t want to risk it after that attack.
“Soooo… She’ll be after you next probably,” Beast Boy mentioned, nervousness coming out for the first time since he made those terrible jokes in the car before Terra first attacked them.
“I know,” Dick said. “I just need the chance to try to talk her down. No promises, guys.”
He had no idea if he could. Terra’s situation was different from his. He never wanted to stay with Slade… Not really… There were moments, between the beatings, between the torture, between the transfusions when Slade was… gentle… In Dick’s most hopeless moments, he could imagine, maybe when he was his most obedient…
Stop it. This isn't you. This is Stockholm Syndrome.
Dick was really uncertain if he could break her out of that mindset. He knew that they were both fundamentally different people. Terra was always very accepting. On the team, she went with the flow, adjusting and compromising to appeal to everyone, including Raven even at her most suspicious and closed off. Dick had resisted that mindset after leaving his position as a sidekick for Batman, gathering as much independence, control, and responsibility that he could manage (maybe more than he could manage), and until very recently, fighting tooth and nail to maintain the control and leadership that he wanted.
They were complete opposites, but Dick knew things about Slade, and ultimately about Terra, that perhaps no one else would understand.
“So, uuhhh,” Beast Boy said on the comm. “You’re planning to keep us on the line, right? This isn’t gonna be another ‘go off the grid’ moment before you disappear for months on end…”
He hated that Beast Boy was comparing this moment to that fateful night. That damned moment he made the stupid decision to leave his team to fight Slade alone. Dick knew he shouldn’t make that mistake again, that it was very easily comparable to this moment now. Despite his flaws, Beast Boy was incredibly observant to those subtle moments and far more willing to point them out compared to the others.
“Robin, if you shut down our comms system,” Raven warned aggressively, using her irritation to hide her fear. “ You will compromise our mission and make things infinitely worse for both you and Terra if Slade shows up. ”
She was angry. Dick could hear it through his earpiece. He felt blistering shame as he realized that he was going to go back on a promise he made to her back when they took the rape kit. They couldn’t separate like this ever again. He felt like a hypocrite. He was a hypocrite , but his team couldn’t listen in on this. They couldn’t. It was going to be too painful, too risky. If they knew everything that he had done, he was 100% certain he would be kicked off the team.
Cyborg was the last to butt in, but it was too late. “Rob, don’t do anything stu-”
Dick shut off their communication system from his end. He agreed with Cyborg the moment he did it. It was stupid, incredibly stupid. His breathing picked up as he recognized the immediate feelings of crippling anxiety rush through him. He was having a panic attack.
Not now. Stick to the plan.
Dick used his panic, uncontrolled breathing, the built up energy in his body to run, run, run back towards the powerplant, where he and Starfire had just taken down Cinderblock. Even in his panicked state, he was beginning to think that his encounters with the rock mutant were a sign of foreboding.
As he dashed to the powerplant and jumped up on top of a nearby fence before leaping up, landing carefully on a shed, and then somersaulting up on top of a steel beam. He pulled his cape over his shoulders, the night cloaking him like a familiar friend. His heart was still pounding out of his chest. He fought the urge to wheeze. The panic was becoming so familiar, despite how unbearable it always felt. The feeling like he was going to die was at war with the thought that it was all made up in his messed up head.
This was such a bad idea. Slade’s going to show up and you’ll have no one. You can’t fight him alone, which means he’ll beat you and torture you and touch you again…
Terra needs your help. She’s lost and confused, and you can’t even help yourself enough to help her. What kind of hero are you? You should’ve left the Titans months ago.
Dick pressed a hand to his mouth to muffle his panicked breathing. Focus. He needed to focus. He needed to stick to the plan. He held onto the steel beam with one hand, overlooking the factory scenery before him, preparing himself for Terra’s inevitable appearance.
Dick expected her to swoop in from above again and try to ambush him. He kept a careful eye on the skies around him. Instead she walked up to the locked entrance and used rocks to crumple the fence into flattened scrap. He didn’t expect her to walk confidently into the area. She was acting too confident.
“I know,” Terra said, probably to Slade on their own communication line. She walked right underneath the steel beam he stood on top of. “Four Titans down, one to go.”
Dick knew he wouldn’t get a better opportunity. He jumped down lightly, rolling forward before landing a brutal punch straight to her kidney. He held back his punch, not wanting to completely cripple her. The goal was to convince, not disable.
The blow still knocked Terra forwards, but she was gasping as she snapped back up immediately. Dick immediately confirmed his suspicions about Slade training her. If there was anything Slade enforced the most, it was to endure pain beyond what you believed was unbearable.
Still, he was quicker, and took that momentary surprise and advantage to wrap his arm around her neck, pressing hard as a warning, taking her breath away. Don’t knock her out just yet. She needs to leave Slade on her own. As soon as she started to weakly struggle, he relaxed his hold.
“Do. not. move ,” Dick warned her. He could make her pass out, only for a few seconds at most, but he knew Slade was on the other line, and if it was clear she was losing, Dick had no doubt he’d come for her.
Terra wheezed in a breath before speaking with sneering vitriol. “What’s the matter, Robin? Feeling lonely since I exterminated all your friends?”
Dick didn’t take the bait. He had every right to be angry that she betrayed his team, but all he could see was her projecting. “They were your friends, too,” he pointed out.
“I don’t need any friends!” Terra snapped back.
Soon enough the ground rumbled underneath them. Dick let go of Terra’s neck and flipped backwards as she fell forwards, small rocks shooting up from the ground and flying out in all directions. Dick braced his arms to cover his head and angled himself to avoid most of the debris, before spinning and rushing back into the fight just as Terra was gathering her bearings.
He had to be fast, and he had to stay close. Terra was deadly from far away, but unlike Slade, she couldn’t fight as easily up close. Dick rushed up to her, aiming for a punch right below the armor on her chest before she could manage to block it. She huffed the pain away and put up her guard as Dick followed through with more punches, trying to get past her defenses.
Terra saw an opening and tried to throw several punches back at him, but she was acting on instinct and panic. Dick saw all the flaws in her movement. She was too slow, extending too far. This was all normal for a novice fighter, when exercise and muscle memory hasn’t set in. He was able to grab her second punch and pull her forwards, twisting his core to throw her to the ground.
Terra rolled before the earth shook again. Dick looked around, waiting for another series of rocks to attack him, only for her to lift herself with rock and send a kick his way. Dick blocked just in time, but the force was strong enough to push him backwards.
There was a glare in Terra’s eyes as she rushed forwards, rage burning through her as she did what Dick advised against when she was training with the Titans. She tried to attack with punches again, when he knew her advantage was from far away. She had something to prove, and she was risking it all in this fight.
Dick waited for the sloppy move to come again, and soon enough it did. He grabbed her extended arm, this time twisting it behind her back and locking her in place. He kicked at her knees and held her down.
“Look at yourself Terra,” Dick demanded. “Is this really what you want to be?”
Terra let out a grunt of frustration as she fought against his weight to get back up. “I’m just never gonna be good enough for you, am I!?”
“You didn’t have to impress me,” Dick argued. “We all wanted to make you a Titan from the very beginning. You put pressure on yourself when you didn’t have to, and Slade only made that pressure worse.”
Terra let out a shout as she twisted her arm in a way that could only cause agonizing pain. She took advantage of Dick’s surprise to break out of his grip and send a wall of rock in between him and herself. Dick let go and then spun out of the way to avoid the boulders suddenly aimed at him.
“Don’t lie!” Terra shouted back. “I know what’s really going on. I know you’re trying to get back on Slade’s good side and replace me!” She waved her arms and the earth around her raised her up. She towered over Dick on a tall column and started to move straight for him.
Dick didn’t have time to respond. His brain was stunned at the thought. He only had seconds to let out a pained laugh at how ridiculous that even sounded before turning and running away from the impending rock column coming straight at him. He leaped forwards, flipping over and giving himself the angle to throw a bomb at the top of the column, right below Terra’s feet. The blast shattered the column and caused the girl to fall from her pedestal. The rocks tumbled around her as she barely avoided being crushed by her own weapons.
Dick heart stopped, but Terra kept her powers in check. She had gotten much better at control. He was sorry to see that she had to go through so much misery to get there.
“Terra,” Dick nearly pleaded with her. “Did Slade tell you I wanted to replace you? Don’t you realize that he’s lying to you? I never wanted to join him. He threatened to kill my team if I didn’t do what he said.”
Terra huffed in disbelief as she got up from the ground. “Your loss, then.” She thrust her hands out, sending the rocks that were once going to crush her right back at Dick.
Dick dodged the first few, then leaped up and landed on a floating rock before somersaulting forwards, staff drawn and extended and slamming it into Terra’s chest, knocking her onto her back. He stood over her, staff pressing against her armor to hold her down.
“Did he blackmail you, too?” Dick asked, taking a shot in the dark. He finally had done his homework on Terra, when he really should’ve done it much earlier. But he was too wrapped up in his own past to start looking into Terra’s until it was too late. When he found out her secret, he could see all the ways Slade could manipulate her against them.
“Did he tell you we wouldn’t accept you because of the rockslide you caused in Markovia?” Dick said. “I knew. We knew. Terra, it's okay. We saw that you were trying to help, to be a better person. That’s what mattered to us. That’s what mattered to Beast Boy.”
“Well it doesn’t matter anymore because he’s dead!” Terra shouted and kicked at him wildly.
Dick backed off as Terra stood up, but he didn’t stop persisting. “It does matter. You can get out. You can still save people, but you have to stop helping Slade.”
“No!” Terra said, her bandaged hands balling into fists. “I love him! And he will love me back after you’re dead! That’s all that matters.”
Dick gave her a look of pity. “Think about it, Terra. Think about how Slade treats you and compare it to how Beast Boy treated you.” His throat clenched, but Terra no longer seemed interested in fighting. He knew he had to expose himself in order to get her to listen. “You were worthless until you achieved perfection in Slade’s eyes. You have to work to your limits to earn any and every scrap of kindness he could give, and even that could be turned against you in a heartbeat. Did Beast Boy ever make you feel worthless? Did he ever make you feel like you needed to earn his friendship, his love?”
“You don’t know anything!” Terra shouted back, tears welling up in her eyes. The ground shook as rocks shot up around them both. None of them got near Dick, so he stayed in place.
“I know, Terra,” Dick admitted, stepping forwards towards her. “Trust me. I know what Slade does to his apprentices and I didn’t want any of it.”
Terra looked at him for the first time in realization at what he was implying. Dick could feel the rising shame at his admitted secret but he pushed onwards. This was why the others couldn’t listen to this, but it made it much easier to connect with Terra knowing their shared experience.
“You don’t belong with Slade,” Dick said to her, slowly stepping within arms reach. “You don’t belong with him because you don't deserve to be treated that way. Beast Boy knew you deserved better. You can start over and be better for him.”
Terra shook her head and stepped back. “I don’t need saving, Robin. I’m here because I love Slade, and because I want to be with him. I’m not like you!”
“Is that why you brought Beast Boy with you the night you gave up our security codes?” Dick persisted. “If everything went according to your plan and Beast Boy joined you, what do you think would happen? Did you think Slade wouldn’t hurt him the way he does to you?”
Terra looked at him, repulsed by the idea. “No! I wouldn't have let him. I gave Slade everything he wanted. I had control. He wasn’t going to hurt me anymore and he wouldn’t have hurt Beast Boy.”
Dick waited for that sentence to stick. “But he hurt you afterwards anyway. There was nothing you could do to stop him. This is what he does.”
“I messed up!” Terra desperately tried to find an excuse, but Dick knew better, and she was realizing herself how bad it sounded. Tears were streaming down her face. She sniffed and tried to wipe them away. “I deserved it.”
“It doesn’t matter what you do,” Dick explained, stepping forwards to close the gap between them. “He’ll hurt you, over and over again, just because he enjoys hurting people like you and me. Given the chance, he’d hurt Beast Boy as well. It has nothing to do with your mistakes. Your lack of control only gave him the perfect excuse he needed. Stop the cycle, Terra. Stop helping Slade. That’s all you have to do.”
Terra let out a sob, pressing her hands to her face. “It’s too late now.”
Dick took her hands in his, hope in his eyes. He saw the sincerity, the desperation in her tears. He was surprised that he could still find that hope in other people after Slade. Bruce had told him he’d lose that hope, that naivety over time. Bruce believed people crossed the line and that was it, they were bad and there was no chance to change otherwise. Dick believed differently, very differently. His team was made up of people who had done bad things in their past before, but he still didn’t give up on them, and Terra’s reaction just confirmed that he shouldn’t give up on her now.
“It’s not too late,” Dick explained. He eyed the communicator in her own ear. He couldn’t tell her that Beast Boy was alive yet, despite how much he wanted to. “Let me help you. We’ll do this together, okay? You don’t have to be alone in this.”
Terra shook her head. “I’m in too deep, Robin. I can’t go back.”
“No, don’t say that,” Dick replied quickly. “Please trust me. I got out and I can get you out as well.”
You had your team get you out, said the voice of doubt in his head. Dick reminded himself that he could get his team to back him on this as well. Besides Raven, they had all held out hope that Terra could change.
“Please…”
Terra stared at him for a moment before finally nodding her head. Dick reached forwards and then finally turned the communicator in her ear off. Relief surged through him.
“Terra, Beast Boy’s alive,” Dick said quickly, knowing Slade could show up at any minute now. “So are the others. We had to fake it for Slade. We need to take this armor off so he doesn’t track you down.”
Terra looked down at the ground, fully ashamed. “The armor can’t be taken off. It was surgically attached.”
Dick stared at her for a moment, those words rolling in his mind. The fact that she consented to… No, she probably didn’t. He had to remind himself that Slade had hijacked his own body to give him the blood transfusions. They were one in the same.
“Then we just have to put as much distance between you and Slade asap,” Dick explained. “Can you fly us out of here? I’ll give out directions” He just had to find a doctor at the opposite end of the earth that was willing to remove the armor for her. Bruce would know someone. They’d figure it out.
Terra nodded and extended her hands out, shifting the earth beneath her. Dick felt the ground beneath him lift upwards, for just a brief moment escape looked possible.
…But that was right before the rock beneath them quickly dropped back down to the ground. He immediately heard Terra yelp and turned to her just as she crumpled up in front of him in pain.
Dick had a flash of a moment of his past. He was looking at his nine-year-old self, teary-eyed and gritting his teeth, the electrodes from the TENS unit aligned all along his body, from forehead to ankles, causing him agonizing pain. The vision overlapped with Terra’s, their reaction almost indistinguishable.
A force knocked into him, directed towards his left side, knocking all the air out of his body and breaking him out of his flashback. He was lifted off his feet from the power of it, crashing to the ground, hard. Terra let out a gasp.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” Terra got on her knees and begged over and over again, looking up at Slade. The villain turned to her with dark accusing eyes.
“I told you that failure was not an option, Terra,” Slade admonished her. “I’m very disappointed in you.”
Grovel. Get on your knees. He’ll forgive you for that. He won’t hurt you as bad if we apologize.
Dick’s vision tunneled as he laid out on his side, trying to will away the intrusive thoughts that had formed in his mind. His heart was pounding again. This was bad, really bad . He scrambled to get up as quickly as possible.
“Robin,” Slade said, amusement in his voice as that gray eye turned his attention on him. “You’ve accused me of malevolent manipulation quite a bit recently, yet you spent the last ten minutes persistently pushing my apprentice to betray me."
Dick suddenly couldn’t find the words to defend himself. It was different. They were different. He was just trying to help Terra make the best choices for herself, but his mind froze at the thought of arguing with Slade. Don’t argue. Don’t fight. Obey and you’ll survive. Obey and he won’t hurt you.
No… He pushed back. You can’t be the obedient slave, crumbling under Slade’s will anymore. Terra, the Titans, Jump City relies on you to stop him.
Dick gave Slade a weak smile. “If you think that’s manipulation, I haven’t even started. I didn’t even mention your old family yet.”
Burned into Dick’s memory was the day that he finally hacked into Slade’s computer, finding the data collected on him and his team, but also his own military history, the experimental serums used on him, and most importantly, the family Slade had created for himself decades back. During those four months of ‘apprenticeship’ Dick had happened to mention Slade’s ex-wife Adeline in passing and the man got angry. Angry enough to beat Dick down, tie him up, and whip his back for what felt like hours. Despite the brutal reaction, Dick made a point to note that this part of Slade’s past was a weakness he could potentially exploit.
He could see the rage boiling underneath Slade’s armor at the mention of it. The desire for cruelty rose up as the older man’s fists shook. Dick flinched at the sight, knowing him well enough to recognize the signs of when he would have to withstand the extremes of his ruthless sadism. Slade’s single gray eye narrowed.
“Perhaps then we should both discuss our past families and let Terra decide,” Slade suggested back.
Dick wished he anticipated the jab but it was so hard to think of these things when Slade appeared. Of course. Of course he would threaten to reveal your identity. Why would you expect anything otherwise? He felt shame at even attempting to win on this. He should’ve never… stupid… he was being stupid. He couldn’t fight Slade at a battle of wits.
Just obey. Just apologize. Tell him what he wants to hear. You stop hurting if you just give him what he wants.
Dick bit his lip and raised his arms to fight. He couldn’t exploit Slade’s weakness which meant a physical bout, and he had no delusions about winning a fight with Slade when he was already fighting with himself. But he had to do something .
Dick rushed towards Slade, ignoring the screaming, panicking voice in his head that told him to stop. He made himself look like he was about to jump and perform a high kick, before dropping low and sliding across the ground and kicking upwards into the man’s gut.
Slade didn’t take the misdirection. He never did. The man dodged his attacks with ease before returning to stomp down at Dick. Dick barely spun out of the way to avoid it before Slade was on him, throwing jab after jab. Dick desperately moved back on instinct, and Slade landed a kick to his side that radiated through the rest of his body.
They exchanged blows. If Dick’s brain wasn’t entirely focused on the panicked, heaving breathing in his lungs, he would’ve realized that Slade was giving this fight all the aggressiveness he could. Dick was back in the Haunt with a broken arm, trying to escape with the looming shadow of a man bearing down on him. He managed to land a kick to Slade’s head before taking the chance to turn and run, desperation fueling him to escape.
Suddenly, the ground beneath him rumbled and a rock wall formed up right in front of him, a half circular shape closing in around him and trapping him inside. He quickly leapt up, grabbing the edge of the wall, but the rock around his hand immediately crumbled away, and he could easily guess that it was intentional. He only had a second to land back down on the ground and glance behind him at Terra’s distraught and regretful face before Slade landed a punch to the center of his back, knocking him forwards so that he slammed against the rock wall.
Dick knew it was going to happen before he hit the rock. He tried to twist and leap away, but Slade was on him, body pressed against the wall. He tried to aim an elbow to the man’s groin, but Slade simply shifted to the side before grabbing him by the hair and slamming his head against the wall.
Sparks of light flashed across his vision. He kept fighting, despite his body screaming at him not to. More struggling always equaled more pain. That was the rule that had been beaten into him. He ignored that thought and stomped on Slade’s foot and elbowed him in the ribs. It wasn’t enough. He was too close, with the man holding him against the wall, arm snaking forwards and forcefully grabbing him by the neck.
“No, don’t-” Dick didn’t have time to finish that sentence, not like it would’ve mattered. His legs were kicked out from under him and he was thrown to the ground, with all of Slade’s weight on top of him.
“Terra,” Slade said, calmly, almost gently to her. “Be a good girl for me. You have a lot to make up for this betrayal, don’t you?” Despite the politeness in his words, both Dick and Terra knew the underlying threat beneath.
Terra was shaking, she looked so terrified, but she obeyed without question. She waved her hands and then suddenly thick rock enclosed over Dick’s hands and feet, binding him to the ground. The rock extended up to his elbows and knees, leaving no room for him to break free.
There was a ringing in Dick’s ears. The world felt murky, unstable, detached… His body tensed up from toes to forehead, but he couldn’t feel any of it. Only the body heat from Slade’s core was branded against his back. It was a vaguely familiar feeling, yet it had been months since he had been in this position. Dick’s vision swam as nausea creeped up through his esophagus.
“I’m sorry,” Terra pleaded. “I wasn’t going to betray you, I swear. Slade, please-”
“Enough Terra,” Slade replied, short and stern. “I won’t tolerate excuses or lies from you. I expected better, and I expected you not to fall for Robin’s tricks, but apparently I was mistaken. You were not able to handle this task.”
“No!” Terra shouted desperately. “Just give me a chance! I’ll do it. I’ll kill him now. Please, Slade!”
“Terra,” Slade warned, an icy chill emanating through his voice. It was enough to stop her from breaking down into hysterical begging again. “I want you to keep quiet and observe now. I will show you why you should never listen to these people that claim to be your friend. All they will tell you is lies, for instance…”
Slade’s hand wormed his way up to his throat, closing tightly on Dick’s windpipe, cutting off all breath. He couldn’t even form sounds beyond grunting. He tried to wriggle away, but with the rock trapping his limbs and Slade’s weight on top of him, he could barely move.
“You see, Robin will say he wasn’t willing to work with me, but he and I had plenty of intimate moments together, just like I have with you, Terra,” Slade explained, moving his other hand down Dick’s chest. Burning humiliation catapulted Dick into a deep dark hole. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to exist. Shame wormed around him and suffocated him as much as Slade’s hand around his throat did.
“Do you see him blush?” Slade pointed out. “Do you see him protest? No. He was just like you, Terra, but he was ungrateful.” His free hand moved closer down to Dick’s hip before knowingly grasping through fabric at his soft cock.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Even Terra looked conflicted seeing how Slade touched him. Dick turned his head away from her, not wanting to see her face as he was assaulted. Spots danced across his vision as the world blurred. His lungs were screaming in his chest along with the rest of his body as his breath stopped at the fingers on his windpipe.
“Now that that’s out of the way,” Slade added, withdrawing the invasive hand on his groin. “Let’s truly test his conviction. What do you say to this, Robin? I’ll let Terra go free, back to the Titans on her own terms without any interference… So long as you come back with me as my apprentice again.”
Slade then finally released his hand on Dick’s throat and he immediately gasped for air.
Dick could barely think, desperately trying to get air back in his lungs. Slade’s hand was still on his hip like an ever present threat. Everything was distracting him, preventing him from even comprehending the question the villain set forth.
But it only took seconds for him to realize the trap Slade had set him up in. He looked back at Terra, as she looked back at him with doubt on her face. The silence told it all. He could refuse to go back to Slade and discard Terra’s wellbeing in the process. He could remain silent, and let her suspicions answer for themselves. He could…
Do it. He wants you to. It’s a win-win. If you tell him what he wants to hear, he won’t hurt you or Terra.
“Let… Let her go, Slade,” Dick wheezed, heart breaking as he realized how Terra would take this. He didn’t matter. Let her believe the lies Slade told her, but now that she knew that Beast Boy was alive, if she took this opportunity to go back, then… “Let her go and then I’ll go back with you.”
It was an empty promise. Besides Terra’s safety, Slade didn’t have leverage on him anymore. If Terra went back to the Titans, he could find a way to escape. If she just left, all of this wouldn’t be for nothing. Take the out, Terra, please, just escape while you have the chance. He’s going to punish you so badly if you don’t.
But Terra didn’t look like she wanted to leave at all. She balled her fists tight and looked at Dick with absolute disgust and hatred. Dick’s heart deflated at the sight. She wasn’t going to leave. She was in too deep. Slade’s claws were too embedded into her mind.
Terra motioned her hands outward, and Slade was immediately standing up to avoid the ground breaking away into an endless chasm that formed right underneath Dick. The rock formations around his arms and legs crumbled and he fell, swallowed into the earth.
Dick only had a split second to look up to see Terra shout as she angrily shifted rock to join above him, sending him fully into darkness as he fell further and further down into the abyss. He immediately went to his belt to grab his grapple to stop his fall and hesitated. He felt so low, so disgusted with himself, so ashamed and the mantra would no longer help him through this.
A vision of his mother and father appeared before him, falling to their deaths. Their bodies crashed down on the ground from hundreds of feet above. He could go the same way. He could join them. The pain would stop. These feelings would stop. He didn’t have to do anything anymore.
A green light illuminated the chasm below as dark and shadowy magic gently formed underneath his armpits and stopped his fall. Starfire flew up in front of him, her green starbolt illuminating the cave.
“Robin! Are you undamaged?” she asked, worried, hovering closer and closer to him. Too close… The feeling grew more and more. Dick’s mind and body were suddenly screaming at him with sensation, guilt and shame and grief all writhing inside him. All of it felt like ants crawling along the insides of his skin. Too much. Too intense.
Raven flew up into Dick’s view and grabbed Starfire’s shoulder. “Starfire, wait-”
“Let go,” Dick croaked out. He wanted out. He needed to jump out of his skin. Everything inside him was burning, unbearable. “Let me go!” His voice grew louder and more demanding, as he squirmed, trying to struggle out of Raven’s magic.
Raven set him down as gently as he could on the ground without protest. When Dick finally felt solid ground, Cyborg and Beast Boy were waiting for him. Beast Boy was the first to come up to him. Too close again. Too much. Too intense.
“Robin,” Beast Boy asked. “What happened? What did she say?”
Dick didn’t want to answer. He felt like a complete failure. Guilt flooded through him as he realized how much worse he just made life for Terra, and now he had to face his team after the promise he broke. He didn’t even want to mention the last thoughts he had before Raven caught him, preventing him from killing himself.
He could sense it. They were angry at him, upset and he had nothing to show for it. Everything in their questioning stares was an attack directed at him.
“I tried, okay?” Dick spat back at him with more vitriol than even he expected. “I tried, but I messed everything up! I get it. I mess everything up all the time now! I-I thought if I just talked to her, even if I broke our promise, I could get her out and it didn’t even matter.”
“Chill, Rob,” Cyborg was the first to say. “You said you tried, that’s what counts.”
“No!” Dick yelled. “It’s not okay! Just say it! I know you all want to! I messed up, and I can’t be trusted anymore. Just say that you all want me to leave!” His team gave him a shocked, bewildered look, everyone except Raven, whose face was entirely detached, emotionless. “You can try to hide it as much as you want, Raven, I know you want me out .”
“I mean… Raven wants everyone out,” Beast Boy said jokingly, trying and failing to defuse the situation. “Doesn’t mean we gotta listen, right?”
Dick couldn’t stop this panicked, uncontrolled burning energy from inside him. He couldn’t stop the emotions flooding out, the rage, the pain. He turned to the wall and slammed his fist into the rock, harder than he ever did before.
Dick had punched walls out of frustration before, but this wall was jagged and uneven. Starfire let out a gasp as the rock cut through his glove and skin and blood welled up around his hand. He couldn’t even feel the pain. The violating feeling, the bugs across his skin, too intense, too much, it still plagued him, making him feel horribly numb. Nothing seemed to work, and yet Dick was looking for something, anything, just anything that would make him stop feeling this way. Too much Too intense.
Something horrible welled up in his stomach, bubbling and bursting to get out. He didn’t fight it this time, barely lit in the cavernous depths underneath Jump City. The scream he let out sounded pained, agonizing, anguished. He couldn’t control it, couldn’t suppress it any longer as he let loose his other hand and bashed apart the knuckles of his other hand. He wanted out. He wanted to stop feeling like this. He just wanted it all to stop.
The cavern was dead silent as Dick finally caught himself and realized what he had done. Shame and embarrassment flooded through him. Oh god, he would’ve killed himself. And then when the Titans stopped him, he lost control. He lost control in front of his whole team. It didn’t help that Slade and Terra had just rampaged Jump City, sending it into an emergency state. All this was happening when they were relying on him and here he was, trying to end his own life and having a mental breakdown. They were never going to trust him again. He couldn’t lead the team anymore. He wasn’t sure if he would be accepted in the team at all considering his state.
Starfire was the first to walk up to him, the green light of the starbolt showed the sincerity in her eyes. “Robin, are you able to remain calm now?”
Dick felt numb and dizzy, but he was able to suppress the skin-crawling feeling again. He silently nodded his head, feeling as if he was standing on the edge of a precipice. If he tried to answer with words, he was afraid he might lose it again.
“Raven,” Starfire said, turning to her. “Can you assist in repairing his wounds?”
Raven broke out of her own shock and nodded as she walked up to Dick. He slowly raised his bloodied knuckles as the faint white glow radiated from her hands, mending the skin back to its original form. Dick’s gloves were still torn and bloody, but the mild pain he experienced had disappeared.
“I’m sorry,” Dick finally said, realizing that he was no longer a team member, no longer a leader, just a liability.
“Robin,” Starfire said, her voice calm and serious. “We are here for you, all of us. If there is anything you want to say, we will listen without judgment.”
Raven looked up into Dick’s eyes as soon as she finished healing his hands, as if anticipating this moment. Dick wondered if now was the right time. He should tell them. He was already going to be kicked out. They deserve to know.
And yet, the thought of opening up seemed more unbearable than the painful silence. Dick opened his mouth and then all the air rushed out of his lungs. He was choking again. Slade was choking him again and he couldn’t speak. Raven’s eyes widened as Dick realized that she felt his sudden burst of negative emotions and she grabbed his newly healed hand.
“Later,” Raven said for him, and he felt so much relief from those words, that he didn’t even flinch from her touch. Starfire had wilted at Raven’s answer, but she didn’t protest at the response.
“Yeah, Star,” Beast Boy said. “Maybe now’s not the time when Slade and Terra are still messing up the city.”
“What’s our next plan, then?” Cyborg asked. “We still trying to save Terra?”
“No,” Beast Boy said firmly. “She had enough chances. We’re done with that now. Time to take her and Slade down for good .”
Beast Boy immediately gestured for the team to follow him, with Starfire and Cyborg naturally falling into position as they all turned back the way they came through the cavern. Dick felt the rising burn of jealousy. He used to have that. He used to be able to do that so naturally, and now it would be gone forever. The shame of his suicide attempt and proceeding outburst still burned in his chest.
“Raven,” Dick said, noticing that she remained behind with him. “I-”
“Cyborg and I told you multiple times now that you needed therapy,” Raven stated, her voice frustrated and cold. Yet Dick could tell it pained her to make the ultimatum. “And maybe a temporary break from the team, and I meant temporary not permanent. But Robin, if you don’t get help, we just can’t let you work with us like this. I don’t care what the others say. I won’t let you keep going like this. It’s just not good for you.”
Dick nodded, feeling too ashamed to even attempt to argue with her. He wanted to have this fixed. He was trying. But it wasn’t enough. Raven was right. He knew it was a bad idea that he had been so resistant to therapy, but he didn’t want to go and talk about it. That would mean leaving his team alone, at risk for Slade to take advantage again. He wanted all his feelings to just go away. And yet, he couldn’t get his wish. Everything he felt was bringing him down, risking his whole relationship with his team.
Maybe she was right… Maybe he needed to suck it up and actually acknowledge what happened, including all the gruesome details. Maybe… after this was over, well…
Well, he just might need to make a phone call.
Dick opened the door to his room in Titans Tower, closed it behind him, leaned against the wall and let out a long suffering sigh. It had been a very long three days, full of fights, talks, mental breakdowns, and confrontations. Slade was dead, and Dick couldn’t be happier to know that the monster that ruined his life would never hurt a living soul again.
But it came with a sacrifice. Terra was also dead…
He and his team had just gotten back from their own version of a funeral. Jump City was being repaired, people were going back to their homes, their daily lives, as if nothing had ever happened, and a victim of Slade had sacrificed her own life to save him, his friends, and stop the cycle of terror and abuse.
Raven’s ultimatum stuck in his head the entire time they went after Terra. He was counting the minutes, the seconds that it would be considered an “opportune” moment to schedule a therapy session. He had no excuses now. He couldn’t distract, or prolong, or divert any longer. If he didn’t do it now, he knew Raven would follow up on that threat, and wouldn’t hesitate to bring up that moment in the cave as justification.
Dick couldn’t run, couldn’t hide anymore, which meant he needed to make that call.
He walked over and sat at his computer, feeling more anxious, more terrified than ever. He didn’t want to do this. He knew what was going to happen if he made this call.
But there was a part of him that still wanted to be a Titan. There was a part of him that didn’t want Slade to take away absolutely anything and everything from him. If he didn’t make this call, Slade would win, from far beyond the grave, Slade would win, and Dick couldn’t let that happen anymore.
Dick sat down at his desk, brought up the video call application and called Bruce.
It was early morning, so Bruce might have been asleep after a long night of patrolling, but he had this sense that his guardian was awake. True to form, on the third ring, the pop-up video opened up, with Bruce’s mildly surprised face, sweaty, clad in his Batman outfit.
Dick gripped the armrests of his chair, suddenly feeling like the world was narrowing in on him. Could Bruce tell? Was it written on his face? The man could pick up so much at once from people, and Dick now felt out of control, all his fears on display.
Slade gripped his chin, mask off so that Dick could see his cold dead eye and slightly amused smirk, exposed to mirror Dick’s unmasked face. “You give everything away in the eyes, apprentice. I see now why Wayne gave you that mask to wear.”
Dick reminded himself that he was wearing the mask now, but it didn’t matter. He needed to be honest, and while the mask was comforting, it was contradictory to what he was trying to achieve. Still, his hands froze in place, his arms locked tight. He couldn’t bring himself to take the mask off just yet.
“Dick,” Bruce observed, his eyes always guarded but carrying the shock that Dick had actually reached out for once. “You called,” he said delicately, as if afraid that saying anything else would scare him off.
“Hi Bruce,” Dick said, putting on a smile, trying to pretend that they hadn’t actually talked like this in over a year. “How was patrol?”
Bruce’s eyes fully hardened, and he ignored the question almost immediately, but Dick knew he would. His guardian never ever bothered with small talk, not unless he was in ‘Bruce Wayne mode’, trying to woo an investor or make a competitor underestimate his competence. Bruce hated small talk even when it was about the one aspect of his life that he dedicated the most work and time to.
“Dick, while I am grateful that you actually called me, we have…” Bruce paused with emphasis. “A lot to catch up on… including the reason why you have been avoiding speaking to me for all this time.”
“I know,” Dick replied, looking down in shame, knuckles white underneath his gloves. “I’m sorry.”
“I read the Titans most recent report,” Bruce acknowledged, ignoring his apology completely.
“So you know-”
“Slade Wilson is dead,” his guardian confirmed. “That is correct?”
“Yeah,” Dick let out a sigh, unsure if it was of relief or not. “We all witnessed it.”
And just like Dick predicted, Bruce instinctively moved to determine the truth within the gaps of his knowledge. Dick knew exactly what his guardian was asking despite the vagueness of the next question.
“How long was it really?”
Dick looked back up at Bruce with weary eyes.
“Your report on the incident said it was only a week,” Bruce observed, his detective mind at work. “It's a significant amount of time to be held hostage, but not enough to be as avoidant as you were.”
Dick closed his eyes and prepared his answer. He couldn’t lie again to ease Bruce’s mind, and he couldn’t be vague about it either. He might as well just come out with it.
“Four months, 6 days, 7 hours in total.”
Dick waited with bated breath as Bruce froze, the answer rolling in his mind, processing it, before the mask behind the mask cracked. The Dark Knight turned away, eyes shut tight as he put his hand to his forehead in shock.
“All this time,” Bruce said after a tense moment of silence. “I didn’t try to contact you, because I thought-”
“I pushed you away the night before,” Dick interrupted him. It was true. They practically rehashed the same argument that made Dick leave in the first place. He had been obsessively tracking down Slade the night before and Bruce told him he was too emotionally compromised. He had suggested that Dick take a break, the final straw that pushed Dick to tell him he would ignore all of his guardian’s attempts to contact him.
It couldn’t have been a coincidence. Slade must have been waiting for that exact moment before he had set up the fake chronoton detonator for the Titans to chase. The opportunity that would provide plenty of leeway for Bruce not to get suspicious when Dick stopped answering his calls.
There was no reason to suspect anything until Bruce had seen Dick steal dangerous tech and fight his own teammates dressed in Slade’s colors.
“It doesn’t matter though,” Dick replied wearily. “My team just needed to find the nanobots. There was no way to confirm it without Raven contacting me the way she did. If you tried to get involved…”
Dick paused, unsure of what would’ve happened if Bruce showed up when he was still being blackmailed. Slade would have ordered him to fight. There was no doubt about that. And if Dick lost the fight, which was way more likely to happen, his friends would have been in even greater risk.
Bruce eventually nodded, hesitant to accept that his help would’ve made things worse. Dick bit his lip, trying to prolong the silence. He knew what he would be asked next.
“Is there anything else left out in your reports on Slade,” Bruce asked next. “...that I should know?”
Dick nodded, swallowing away the lump in his throat as the list formed in his mind. “Everything else wasn’t confirmed, just assumptions based on my experience. Like, I think he was part of the League of Assassins for a period of time.”
Bruce’s eyes widened. “He knew Ra’s? How?”
“Because every move you taught me to avoid-” Dick began to explain before he paused, remembering how the real training started after he was first sexually assaulted. He had realized how badly he needed to conserve energy, limited to only fighting back when Slade commanded it, knowing that any kind of refusal could result in another debilitating injury, injection, and/or sexual assault.
Focus.
“All of the deadliest moves you showed me, he taught me to use in fights…” Bruce flinched at the immediate implication. “Not on people,” Dick quickly corrected. Not yet. He knew that moment would have come eventually, and if it wasn’t for Raven figuring out about the nanobots, it could’ve been a possibility that Dick would have been forced to kill for Slade.
Dick had figured out that Slade assumed, that with enough humiliation, degradation, forced displays of obedience and loyalty; with enough injections and starvation and isolation, with enough rape and torture, he would have reached a point low enough that forcing him to kill was no longer crossing a line.
Despite how much Dick wanted to refuse that was a possibility, he knew there had been a part of him taking up more and more space in his skull during those four months; A part of him that unquestionably obeyed all of Slade’s whims. That part of him had become a necessity, a survival mechanism. It blunted the shame and humiliation of his actions, helped him avoid pain and punishment. It kept nagging at him, fighting against him the last time Slade and Dick faced off. Dick couldn’t help but regard it as a wild animal, unbound from morality, guided only by Stockholm syndrome and the need to please the villain that created it.
“It’s also a very probable explanation as to why he knew your identity and mine,” Dick explained. “And he knew before those four months.” He shivered at the thought. “I can’t explain it other than I was as careful as I could be to keep it secret. He never pushed to have me take my mask off and he easily could have. He just came out and said he knew my identity and yours.”
“When exactly did he say he knew our identities?” Bruce pressed.
It was a relief that Slade was dead for this reason, despite both Bruce and Dick having a shared opinion on murder. There was still potential that Slade could’ve shared this vital information to other parties that could take advantage, but they couldn’t do anything about it now. Bruce remained in his element, distancing himself emotionally to gather and exchange intel. Dick wished he could say the same for himself. Usually he looked forward to fitting all the pieces together, but discussing Slade always formed a lump of anxiety in his throat and a shivering in his stomach from nausea.
“Within the first week,” Dick estimated. “It was difficult trying to keep track of the days.”
“Was there any possibility that Slade could have tampered with your mask during that week?” Bruce asked.
“Yes,” Dick said, thinking back to those first few days of broken sleep in his cell. “He could have, but I didn’t notice any tampering.”
Bruce looked unconvinced. “I’ll keep that in mind. What else?”
Dick paused. The walls felt like they were closing in on him. This was it. Once he said it out loud, there was no taking it back. He had to tell Bruce what he suspected to be true, but once he said it, his guardian would know.
“As you know from the report, Slade Wilson and Adeline Kane were divorced with two children,” Dick explained. “On their divorce documents, Adeline Kane gained full custody due to-”
“Domestic abuse, yes, I remember,” Bruce confirmed.
“It wasn’t mentioned in their documents,” Dick began, willing his hands not to shake. “B-but based on my… experience, and Terra’s… intimate relationship with Slade, I think-” He had to catch his breath again. The horrific thought that Bruce might doubt him surged into his mind at that moment, but Bruce generally regarded any intel he collected as valuable. Except the intel you just gave him about your identities. He doubted that. What if he doubts this? What if he thinks you lost your mind?
That would destroy him. He didn’t think he could bear it if he told Bruce and the man simply didn’t believe him.
There’s no going back now. Just tell him. He needs to know.
“I think he s-sexually abused his children,” Dick finished, breaking into a sweat from struggling to put the idea out into existence.
Bruce immediately put the pieces together as a sadness fell over his eyes. “Oh Dick,” he said in sympathy.
Dick shut his eyes, unable to face the realization that his guardian just made. He buried his head in his hands as his stomach churned. Bruce figured it out. He put the pieces together, and somehow having him know was both terrifying and relieving all at once.
“Is there anything you need?” Bruce asked gently. “Anything I can do to help?”
Dick wiped his eyes and shrugged. “The mantra helped, at least in those first four months. I-I don’t know what I would have done without it back then. But… but ever since I’ve been back, I’ve still had to recite it sometimes when my team had to face him again and sometimes when things have just been really bad and it’s… it's not-”
Dick couldn’t finish his sentence. It took all of his energy not to just sob right then and there. It felt worse to admit that he hadn’t been doing well after the four months. Shame surged through him. Why couldn’t he just be happy that he wasn’t captive to Slade anymore? Why couldn’t he just be grateful that he didn’t have to endure the torture and abuse anymore? Even now, the villain was dead and he was still affected.
“Dick, the mantra wasn’t meant to be used after you escaped,” Bruce calmly stated. “It was a temporary solution to a specific situation. These things…” His guardian let out a sigh. “These things take time and space to emotionally process.”
A part of Dick knew that, even though he wanted to deny it. He had been trying to deny it this entire time, because actually taking time off and leaving his friends at risk to fight Slade alone felt too horrific to even consider. But he was dead now, which meant he had to face the other reason why he didn’t reach out for help.
“I know that now,” Dick admitted. “I didn’t want to process it. I just… I needed it all to go away until he was caught or dead. I was afraid that if I left my team then…”
Then he wouldn’t be allowed to come back. Maybe he wouldn’t even let himself come back knowing how badly Slade had broken him.
“I-I couldn’t tell you earlier either because he…” Dick tried to form the words and failed. “He said things. Horrible things. I know they weren’t true but somehow he still made me believe them. All of it was just to try to get me to not speak to you again.”
“What things?” Bruce asked immediately, face contorting in barely-controlled anger.
Fuck. He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have given out those details. There was no way he could tell Bruce what Slade told him. It was too horrible, too painful.
Dick shook his head. “It doesn’t matter because it’s not true. It’s just…” He put his hand to his mouth, trying to calm the nausea bubbling up his throat. “Please don’t make me say it.”
To Dick’s surprise, Bruce said. “Alright then.”
Bruce looked like he wanted to press Dick on this, but relented, and Dick felt immediate relief at that. He wondered why his guardian was being so patient with him this time when usually Bruce would pick up and hone in on any hidden details like a bloodhound. If this was Dick’s answer to any other question, Bruce would have started to question whether he should quit being Robin.
“Thank you,” Dick said, grateful for how Bruce had responded this time. “Thank you for not pushing this…” he trailed off, his thoughts and words becoming more difficult to form completely through the hurricane of mixed emotions. “And thank you for not threatening to take Robin away from me again.”
Bruce nodded, muscles straining as he looked away, as if trying not to show his own underbelly.
“I had nightmares,” Bruce admitted. Dick was once again shocked by his guardian suddenly admitting something that had always been a fact, but never acknowledged ever in his years as a ward.
“I had nightmares about the time I taught you that mantra,” Bruce explained. “About all the pain I made you endure. I told myself that it was to prepare you, for this situation specifically, but…”
Bruce closed his eyes in a grimace. “But you were so young. It was one thing when I did it to myself to train, but to make you go through that torture...”
“It helped,” Dick reassured him, despite the associations that came up. “Bruce, I would have been lost without the mantra. And all of it… I was able to endure, because you prepared me for it.”
Dick swallowed. He couldn’t imagine how badly he would have sunk if he didn’t have the mantra to save him, if he didn’t have the experience and built up tolerance to endure everything Slade had thrown at him and taken away from him. “I don’t know how much worse off I would be without it, but I know I would have been. It would have been so much worse.”
Bruce looked at him again, eyes oddly vulnerable as he accepted Dick’s response with a sense of relief. Dick could see a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, one that neither were fully aware of before.
“Master Dick,” said a familiar voice from Bruce’s side.
Alfred appeared in the video, behind Bruce, holding a tray of coffee and eggs. He set the tray down and looked up at Dick. Dick’s heart nearly broke with longing as he smiled at the former butler’s presence.
“I didn’t mean to intrude,” Alfred said. “I know this was a private conversation, but I just need to say this.”
Alfred paused with emphasis as he leaned forward, forcing Bruce to lean to the side out of his way.
“The things you did to protect your friends was a sacrifice that very few people could ever possibly do. It is one of the most commendable acts I have ever witnessed,” he pressed. “You truly are one of the strongest men I know.”
There was something monumental in his words. Maybe it was the praise, the fact that Bruce was sitting right there, or the truth to Alfred’s words. Dick didn’t want to believe him, but he also knew that Alfred had never ever lied to him before, not for something like this.
It was enough to shatter whatever composure Dick had left as broke down crying. Maybe it was inevitable, the dam of his emotions finally giving way to the cracks. Maybe it was the acknowledgement that what he did was a sacrifice, and not just what Slade had reduced him to. Maybe it was the first time in a long time that someone made him feel worthy when he had felt nothing but shame.
Alfred and Bruce remained silent letting him catch his breath and wipe the tears from his eyes.
“Sorry, I-” Dick said through sobs, before giving up on trying to apologize or explain away his reaction. “Th-thanks Alfred,” he barely managed to get out.
Alfred merely nodded with a smile. “I hope you intend to visit us soon. We have truly missed your company, and that includes Miss Barbara as well.”
“I will,” Dick promised. “And I’ll also need a list of…”
“I will send you the list of reputable therapists,” Bruce assured him. “Ones Leslie and I are confident they can be trusted.”
Dick let out a breath of relief. “Thank you.”
There was a moment of silence before Alfred said his goodbyes. Bruce waited patiently through the exchange before speaking again.
“Are you sure there isn’t anything else I can do,” Bruce pressed. “Besides sending you the list?”
Dick shook his head. “No. I just need to make some calls and schedule an appointment. Raven and Cyborg have been telling me to see a therapist for a while now. I can’t put it off anymore.”
Dick’s lip curled up into a hopeful smile. “And… I was thinking of booking a flight into Gotham tomorrow morning. Is that okay with you?”
Bruce returned his smile with a small, reassuring one of his own. “Of course. Send me updates and I’ll have Alfred pick you up at the airport.”
“Will do,” Dick replied. Their conversation began to trail off into an awkward silence before his guardian spoke up again.
“I hope you know Dick,” Bruce began, treading back into uncomfortably vulnerable territory once more. “That even though it doesn’t seem like it, I care about you so much. So much sometimes it scares me, not knowing what’s best for you. I’ve had plenty of mentors in my lifetime, but being a father to you is becoming more and more of a complete unknown.
“I mean to say that I’m so sorry this happened to you and I wish that I could’ve stopped Slade before this could have happened to you,” Bruce said with finality.
Dick nodded, understanding the meaning behind his words. He gave his guardian another small smile. “Love you, too, Bruce. I gotta go. My team is waiting for me.”
Bruce nodded, clearing his throat and quickly shifting back to his stone-faced demeanor. “Goodbye Dick. See you soon.”
Dick ended the call, took off his mask for just a moment to fully wipe away the tears from his eyes and let out a few long deep breaths to calm himself down before putting his mask back on again; both the Robin mask and the leader of the Titans mask.
Today, however, neither mask felt as heavy as it had been in the past few months.