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Shu had always been good at reading the room. ‘You’re such a good child.’, they would say. ‘What a well-behaved one you have here!’ ‘You always know what to do, Shu.’ They would repeat words and phrases, hoping Shu would get what they meant when they said it. The chains around his neck, arms, and legs grew tighter and tighter until it felt as though he had no more room to breathe.
“Thank you.”
The only words he knew they wanted to hear in return, turning into a curse that ate away at him each and every single time.
A small crack was carved into the diamond.
They were settled around the dinner table, each taking turns to talk about how their day had been. It was one of those rare days where Shu actually felt excited to share about things happening at school. They had just gotten their mock test results back and he had scored 700 out of 750 points, getting his rank into the top 10 in the grade. Things were settling down, and so Shu smiled shyly and spoke.
“Um, so, I-“
“I’ve got something to show you guys!!!” a boisterous voice cut him off, Luca suddenly running off to get something. Ike seemed to be the only one who had heard him, looking in his direction sheepishly but not saying anything. Shu simply waited again, the moment having been lost. Luca returned with a sheet of paper clutched tightly in his hand.
A glaring 100/100 could be seen clearly in red marker, and Luca proudly showed everyone, receiving headpats and praise from each of them. Luca had never really struggled in class, but this kind of result was a first.
“That’s amazing, Luca!” Shu ruffled his little brother’s hair, smiling when he saw the happiness shine in Luca’s bright eyes.
“W-Well I h-have something too…” It was Mysta who had spoken next, going to get something as well. He came back slightly flushed, shoving over what looked like a report card to Ike. Ike’s eyes widened as he read what was written.
“Second in the entire grade! Mysta! You’ve done so well this semester!” Ike exclaimed, and to Shu’s despair, he could feel his heart sink a little. It wasn’t that he was unhappy at his beloved little brother’s achievement, but…it seemed like he would now have nothing to share after all.
“Why don’t we have your favourite flavour of ice cream tonight to celebrate, hm?” Mysta simply lit up at the suggestion, hugging Vox in return. Laughing resounded throughout the living room as everyone congratulated the two for their achievements.
“Shu?” A question from Ike knocked Shu out of his thoughts as he was washing the dishes, “Was there something you wanted to say at dinner? I think you were saying something before Luca spoke.”
Shu twitched at the reminder, replying with a calm tone, “Oh, nope. Not really, haha. I think I’ve forgotten.” Ike seemed to accept the answer, turning back to get Luca ready for his shower.
Shu returned to his room, sparing no glance to the piece of paper in his trashcan. That piece of paper he had carefully photocopied and held preciously in his bag as he headed home, now was simply a crumpled piece of garbage to be thrown away.
The crack in the diamond grew, fracturing as it took away more of it.
The family of 5 brothers wandered around the theme park, the younger 2 at awe at the different rides and attractions that promised fun for everyone. Vox held tightly onto Mysta’s hand, not wanting the other to go astray into the large crowd of people. Ike simply held Luca in his arms, knowing the tendency of their youngest to run off to wherever caught his interest. Shu lagged behind the two pairs slightly weighed down by the baggage in his arms. Although Vox had offered to take some and Ike looked apologetically with a wriggly child in his arms, Shu had insisted to take their bags, knowing how much of a hassle Luca and Mysta could be.
“Vox! Vox!” Mysta suddenly exclaimed with an extremely excited tone, “I wanna go on that one!” He pointed to a ride where pairs of people would be sat onto a moving vehicle, taking them through a storybook with characters singing animatedly.
“Me too! Me too!!” Luca was right behind him, already struggling in Ike’s arms to go in that direction. The older two thought about it for a moment, and Shu could already tell what they were thinking.
“I think I’m alright on that one, I’m not too interested.” Shu spoke first, “You guys go ahead though!” Nothing but a bright smile could be seen on his face, relief painted on the others’ faces.
“Really? Ok, feel free to walk around for a bit, but make sure to stay near the exit, we’ll text you when we’re done.” Shu could already tell Vox was starting to get tired, his usual fun tone slowly fading as Mysta dragged them to the entrance.
“Here, why don’t you get something to eat or drink? Thanks for being so understanding, you’re always so good, Shu.” Ike gave Shu a bit of cash from his wallet, Shu gladly accepting it before waving to the excited Luca, already clamouring for Ike to follow the other two. Shu watched as they disappeared into the masses in queue, a small sting in his heart. Settling on a bench with some cotton candy, he watched as people walked around, many of them happy and laughing.
On such a fun day, going to the theme park with his beloved family, Shu wondered why he couldn’t even muster up a smile.
As time seemed to pass both quickly and slowly, Shu snapped out of his trance when a small hand grabbed onto him.
“Shu!” It was Luca, all sweaty from running over to him. Pulling him onto his lap, Shu spotted the small thing grasped inside of his hand.
“What’s that?” Luca grinned, opening his palm to reveal a small keychain. Inside the small space, was a photo of the four of them, all smiling and laughing on the ride.
The throb in his heart grew.
“They had a photo taking spot! I did what they said and smiled reeeeeeal big! Look! Look! Ike said I could keep this to remember today forever and ever!” It was the harmless ramblings of a child, but somehow every second the ache in Shu’s chest grew as he saw it. There wasn’t anyone to blame, but…for some reason, he couldn’t find it in himself to laugh from his heart. He could only smile, giving Luca a big hug.
“I’m glad you guys had fun.”
The crack in the diamond grew, the shattered pieces starting to fall and pierce the holder.
It really hadn’t been anyone’s fault.
A case of the cold and flu had been going around at Luca and Mysta’s elementary school, and sooner or later Shu knew they were going to catch it. And of course, the both of them would likely have it at the same time due to their proximity. He watched as they both huffed and puffed in bed, their small bodies trying its hardest to fight against the infection. Shu held Mysta’s soft hand, warm due to the fever, wiping away the sweat on his forehead with his other hand.
Luca had fallen asleep a few moments ago, but it was a fitful sleep, with him constantly moving and coughing due to how uncomfortable it was. He could hear Ike and Vox discussing something in the hallway, worried and hushed voices clear as day.
Re-tucking Luca under the blankets, Shu brushed his forehead, hoping for their fevers to go away soon. He had just replaced the cool presses on both of their heads when their older brothers came into the room.
“Shu, well done.” Vox, as always, praised Shu for his actions.
Shu smiled, “It’s nothing. I just want them to get better soon.” He patted Mysta’s hand, still tightly clutched onto his own.
Vox continued, “Ike and I have discussed it, and we think it’s best if we took them to the hospital for tonight. We’ve made the call and packed the bags, so we’ll be heading off soon.”
“Okay, I’ll get ready the-“
“No, no, Shu. It’s alright. You just stay here and rest. You’ve done enough for tonight, you need to rest.” Ike sounded stern.
“But…”
“And we wouldn’t want you to spend tonight in a hospital.” A soft smile could be seen on Ike’s face, bringing Shu into a hug. Shu could tell that nothing would change their minds, giving up and nuzzling into the embrace.
He watched as the four got into Vox’s car, waving as they drove off into the night to the hospital. His heart felt weirdly empty, heading back into the living room where he saw a couple things on the table.
Two bags were placed next to each other, along with a small cake with a couple of candles. Shu walked over, seeing two presents that Ike and Vox had gotten him. The cake was his favourite flavour, with the words, ‘Happy Burthday Shu!’ written on it. He smiled, knowing that it was probably the work of Mysta and Luca.
“Happy birthday to me.”
“Happy birthday to me…”
“Happy birthday to Shu…”
“Happy birthday to…”
He trailed off, the silence of the house only contributing to the emptiness he felt. This wasn’t anyone’s fault, he knew. Mysta and Luca couldn’t help being sick, it wasn’t like they wanted to be down with a fever. Vox and Ike were only doing their duties in taking care of them.
So who was left?
Shu. Who else to blame but Shu, who clearly wasn’t the good child everyone praised him to be if he couldn’t even deal with this while his precious little brothers were suffering.
He placed the cake in the fridge for later, heading up to his room to sleep for the rest of the night.
The crack in the diamond grew, the once beautiful jewel starting to shatter into dull shards of ugliness.
Ike knew something was wrong from the moment Shu stepped into the house, a small flower on his uniform, a rolled up certificate sticking out of his bag. He was holding a bouquet of cyclamen, a pretty bow tying it up. As their eyes met, Shu smiled, while Ike’s heart sank further into the abyss.
“Hey, I’m back. What’s for dinner today?”
“S-Shu…”
“Oh yeah, wasn’t it Luca’s class recital today? I heard he got a solo part so I’m sad I couldn’t be there to see it for myself so I got Luca some flowers! Vox probably recorded it, right?” Shu looked the same as ever, putting away his things and heading into the living room, greeting Mysta and Luca who were playing.
“Mysta, did you have a good class observation day? Did Ike see you answer a lot of questions?”
“Mhm! We had lunch together and the teacher said I did really good today!” the ever energetic Mysta excitedly chatted to Shu as he joined them, Shu laughing as he got tackled by the both of them.
“Shu. Could we speak to you for a moment?”
Vox called out to him as they were getting ready for bed, the younger two already asleep and wriggling around in their bed. Shu nodded, heading over to where Ike and Vox were standing.
“Is there something you want to tell us?” Ike started it off, getting a nervous twitch from Shu in response.
“…No.”
“Are you sure?”
“…I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Vox furrowed his brows impatiently, “Shu. We didn’t teach you to say things like that.”
“So what do you want me to say?” Avoiding eye contact, Shu shuffled towards the door before Ike grabbed onto his wrist.
“Shu! What is going on with yo-“
“What?”
Ike froze, stunned that Shu would speak like this, “What do you want from me?”
“Yeah, the graduation ceremony was today. I didn’t need either of you to come anyway, it’s fine.” They felt their hearts sinking, finally realising how thick the wall Shu had been building was.
“W-Why didn’t you tell us?” Vox asked quietly.
A pained expression they had never seen before appeared on Shu’s face for just a moment.
“Would you have come?”
Silence filled the empty living room, devoid of its usual laughter and fun.
“Even if I had told you, would you have chosen me?”
The silence expanded, the weight of Shu’s thoughts finally revealing themselves.
“You can’t, right? You can’t chose me. So…just stop. Stop giving me hope.” The resignation in his voice could be heard, while Vox and Ike could say nothing in response that would mend the situation. After all, it was true. Unfair as it was, but Shu understood the fact that it was just how life worked.
“But Shu…”
“It’s not your fault, I get it. I know what everyone wants from me and I’m okay with doing that. Just don’t, don’t try anymore. Because hope just hurts more when it’s taken away.”
He turned around, walking upstairs to his bedroom, leaving the two of them standing there in the silence of the living room.