Work Text:
“In my not-so-limited experience, if someone tries to murder you as a teenager or even as a baby, it usually says much more about them than you,” Harry said, not even looking into the camera as he guided Spider-Man out of the way of the maniacal Octopus Man currently trying to impale him.
> oOCrimpShrimpOo: MURDER? As in unalive?! wtf
> FruitlessRootless: shit mate are you alright? lol
“Am I alright? Oh, yeah, sure! Alive and kicking.”
> DovahKing420: just bc your alive doesn’t mean your alright tho
> oOCrimpShrimpOo: no but what about PTSD?!
“PTSD? I’ve definitely heard that word before,” Harry said as he made Spider-Man do a neat cart-wheel. “Hang on, this isn’t exactly the most ideal moment for me to figure out acronyms. Dodge, bloody hell!”
> FruitlessRootless: motherfucking trauma, dude!
“Oh, that. I did about an hour of therapy about it and then came straight here,” Harry said, utilising a brief lull in the boss fight to spread a few fingers away from the controller and wiggle them. “Tada.”
> LilyMightily: babe. BABE.
> FruitlessRootless: hun no
There was a mild explosion and Harry hastily picked up the controller again. “Oh fuck! Why is the floor lava now? Not one of you could’ve warned me?” he added, glaring into the camera. “Looking at you here, Liam. I know you’re watching. I’ll remember this.”
> XxBeyondBlondXx: If you expect me to hold your hand while you play, I expect a raise.
Draco thought this was the perfect time to shoot Harry a quick text message. ‘Is there a specific demographic of Muggles with rubber ducks in their bathroom?’
Draco knew Harry had his phone set to auto-reply when he got an immediate response and Harry hadn’t even looked away from his screen. ‘I’m busy at the moment and will read your message later. If this is urgent, reply 'urgent' to send a notification through with your original message.’
‘Urgent,’ Draco added.
Harry’s head snapped to the side of his desk where he usually kept his mobile phone, and his character crashed to the ground as a burning piece of debris hit him. A wide grin spread over his face.
“My boyfriend wants to know if just anyone’s allowed to own a rubber duck or if you need a license.”
> ElizaPancakes: I love him xxxD
> LemonSqueezy91: He did NOT. I refuse to believe that.
“Nah, that’s exactly how he worded it,” Harry said, picking up his mobile and pretending to read Draco’s message aloud while his character got skewered. “Says it right here: ‘Can anyone buy a rubber duck or do you need some kind of license?’ In writing.”
‘Wanker,’ Draco sent.
Harry winked at the camera and blew him a noisy kiss. On the spare bed behind him, Artemis lifted her head and meowed in response, prompting Harry to make more kissy noises over his shoulder while Spider-Man kicked the bucket.
> DovahKing420: are we sure he didn’t mean to type d*ck? like, it doesn’t make all that much sense, but it makes SOME sense?
>> DubiousMorales: I mean, I assume you’d have to be 18 right? So like … your ID would be your license to buy one?
> InsultOccult: we want to see him!!
>> HannaBananaRama: YES!! Tell him he has to ask his next question in person!!
“Nah, he’d never come on stream,” Harry said as he restarted the boss fight. “He’s convinced that you guys are gonna see him for the weirdo he is. Like, you’ll take one look at him and go, ‘Yep, that’s a bloody witch if I ever saw one. Have him burned at the stake immediately.’ You know, a rational fear everyone has once in a while.”
‘Urgent!’ Draco typed again. ‘I downloaded custom content for this and now I’m not sure if it would fit my Buckingham Palace build. My reputation is at stake. Prat.”
Harry took another glance at his mobile and laughed sharply. “Oh, you should definitely go for it, babe. Put it in there. Put rubber ducks in all the bathrooms.”
> ElizaPancakes: How many bathrooms do you guys have??
“No, this isn’t about our bathroom. He’s playing The Sims. It’s his evening ritual while I’m with you guys. That’s how he tries to cope without me.”
Draco scoffed and deleted the rubber duck he’d placed next to the Queen’s bathtub before texting him, ‘This is the only time I can actually work without you bothering me all the time. You are a clingy bastard.’
Harry’s grin spread as he darted glances at his mobile. “If I’m such a distraction, then why do you watch my stream while you work?”
> SuperDuperFuzzy: Aaaaw, that’s so cute!!! What’s your bfs name?
>> oOCrimpShrimpOo: Nooooooo!
>> DocOckMurdock: wtf why would you ask that?
>> HannaBananaRama: Ahgfikahgahg smh
>> TheMysteriousQi: the first rule of this twitch stream: don’t ask about his bf’s name
>> AbbsForDays: welp it was great while it lasted. cya!
“Oh, you must be new here. I won’t tell you guys his name. It’s classified information.” Harry glanced at the camera and then back at his game where the Octopus Man had gone back to skewering Spider-Man, this time on the side of a skyscraper. “That said – Hang on. Gotta finish this real quick.”
> EivorTheSurvivor: Don’t do it!!!! It’s not worth it!!
> XxBeyondBlondXx: Haz, behave!!
> DubiousMorales: i’m literally begging you not to! begging!
> DovahKing420: go for it!! gotta go to bed anyways
>> oOCrimpShrimpOo: Some of us are on our lunch break here!!
Draco selected the only acceptable swatch for the Queen’s bath towels while Harry beat up his enemy. Once he reached the cutscene, Harry saved the game and put his controller down, fully facing the camera now. “There we go. So, that said, we call him Coco ‘round here; so feel free to call him that whenever.”
Harry opened the door as soon as the power cut out, and a wall of hot, stuffy air swept into the hallway. By that time, Draco had already assumed an innocent position leaning against the opposite wall. Barely aided by the feeble light of a street lamp down the road, Draco watched as Artemis slipped through Harry’s legs, nearly tripping him. She then rubbed against Draco’s trousers, no doubt leaving white fur all over the fabric.
“You wouldn’t happen to know why we’re suddenly offline?” Harry asked casually as Draco bent down to tickle Artemis between her ears — like Harry didn’t know full well that this was his own damn fault.
Draco shrugged and said, “Whoops.”
There was a flash of light, followed by the sound of Harry slapping his battery torch against his thigh in an effort to get it to work. “That’s the third time this week.”
“What can I say,” Draco said, blindly brushing off his trousers before he straightened up. “Your sign fell off, so I secured it with a sticking charm. You know, since I ‘grew up in a coven of witches’ and therefore probably don’t even know what Spellotape is or how to use it.”
“Muggles call it Sellotape’,” Harry said as he turned around, no doubt squinting at the sign hanging on the open door behind him like it might say something other than ‘Absolutely no magic beyond this point!’.
“That’s what I said,” Draco insisted. “You’re welcome, by the way.”
“How thoughtful of you,” Harry said, dragging a hand through his messy hair.
Despite being accosted by full-sized headphones for several hours every other day, the silhouette of Harry’s curls showed no indication of having been tamed or pushed down in the slightest. Draco’s hair would never let him get away with that, which he found pretty unfair. And although it technically didn’t matter, seeing as he wasn’t mad enough to show his face on YouTube …. well, it still mattered, right?
“Always happy to help,” Draco said, nudging the cord that had wrapped itself around Harry’s throat, most certainly ripped out of its jack when he had got up and forgotten about the headphones still slung around his neck … again. Maybe Draco would get him some cordless ones for Christmas so Harry could chuck them in a corner and never use them anyway.
“Thanks,” Harry said, grabbing Draco’s shoulder and leaning in for a quick kiss. “Mushrooms on my pizza. Don’t forget the dip.”
Draco placed his free hand on Harry’s neck and pulled him even closer, causing him to lose his balance and end up with his whole bodyweight leaning against Draco.
“It’s not my turn,” Draco muttered as hungry lips immediately found his throat and started trailing kisses from his collarbone to his ear lobe. The hallway light came to life for a second, blinding him, and Draco groaned.
“You fucked up the electricity, so it totally is your turn,” Harry muttered in between kisses, squeezing his shoulder. “Rules are rules.”
If Draco didn’t keep his wits about him now, Harry would forever refer to this incident as some kind of precedence. It was the only move in his playbook, and Draco would be damned if he allowed it to work now. He shook his head and thought of England.
“Completely disregarding the fact that you are the single last person who should be lecturing people on upholding rules,” Draco pressed out, relieved to find that he could still form coherent sentences, “this rule only applies if the sabotage was unprovoked.”
Harry gasped and shifted his weight back onto his own feet. “I would never.”
“It’s all you ever do.”
“This is slander.”
Draco cocked an eyebrow that Harry probably couldn’t see and crossed his arms. “Name one person you haven’t goaded on at least once.”
“I … that’s ...” In an obvious effort to buy more time, Harry shifted his focus back onto his torch, which he slapped against his open palm in rapid succession but to no avail.
Draco snapped his fingers to force Harry’s attention back to him. “Just one. Go on.”
“I don’t have to –”
“You can’t.”
“You wound me,” Harry said gravelly, finally ceasing his torch efforts so he could slap a hand against his own heart. “Coco, darling.”
Draco pulled him back for another kiss, this one with considerably more teeth. Unfortunately, the prat liked it.
“Carry me,” Harry whimpered.
Draco ducked just as Harry tried to throw both arms over his shoulders.
“Absolutely not,” he said, walking on at a steady pace while Harry struggled to disentangle himself from the hedge into which he had stumbled. Inexplicably, Apollo seemed a bit more interested in Harry’s predicament, but a slight tug at his leash persuaded him pretty quickly.
When Harry finally caught up with Draco, he was holding his side, panting. Draco gave him a cursory glance and then exchanged a meaningful look with Artemis, who – unlike her brother – was well-behaved enough to accompany them on their walk without a leash.
“Aren’t you supposed to be fit?” Draco asked. “What do you even do at Quidditch practice twice a week? I’m starting to think you’re just having a hen party on the pitch.”
“I’ve been told I am very fit,” Harry said in an awfully smug tone, which was almost drowned out by the incessant scuffle of his feet. “At least that’s what the fanfiction says that Liam keeps sending me.”
“I meant stamina-wise,” Draco said, determined as always not to acknowledge that there was fanfiction being written about his boyfriend — although he did long to tease Harry about apparently reading what his college friend/mod sent him. “How are you supposed to run from the multitude of mental maniacs out to murder you when you get winded walking the cats?”
Artemis meowed in agreement and scaled a garden wall, probably because she felt like walking on the same level as Harry was beneath her. Draco could relate.
“You’re the one walking a cat,” Harry said. “My cat is entirely capable of finding her way back home without supervision.”
“Excuse me?” Draco glared at Harry, who clicked his tongue and shrugged. Draco strengthened his glare and said, “Apollo knows the way. He is just … easily distracted. Too curious for his own good. Reckless. Keeps sticking his nose into things that are none of his business.”
Harry huffed. “What’s wrong with that?”
“See,” Draco said, transferring the leash so he was free to grab Harry’s hand. “That’s why you don’t get to leave the house unsupervised either.”
“That’s not true,” Harry protested. “I went on George’s stag do without you.”
“You were missing a week’s worth of memories when I picked you up at St Mungo’s,” Draco pointed out. “Not to mention your tattoo. Or the mullet.”
“Huh,” Harry said, rubbing his scar absent-mindedly. “I keep forgetting that part happened.”
“Yes,” Draco said. “Because of the amnesia. Although I’m not sure how you could forget that haircut. It was horrendous.”
“My hair was all grown back the next day!”
“It was still horrendous. I’ve already prepared a slideshow of the photos I took while you were passed out. I’m going to show them at your wedding.”
Harry’s head snapped up so he could frown at Draco. “At my wedding?”
“Assuming anyone ever agrees to marry you,” Draco said loftily, once again failing to mention that he would jump at the opportunity in a heartbeat, provided Harry would finally ask him. Seriously, six years together and still nothing? This was getting ridiculous. Pansy had some very clear (and very stupid) ideas on how to fix the situation. Didn't she know by now that Draco would rather die than risk outright rejection?
“Well, anyway,” Harry muttered, rubbing his tattooed shoulder instead of dropping to his knee on the spot. (Ouch.) “The point stands that I don’t even have to be out here. I just come along for your sake. Which is precisely why you have to carry me. It’s the least you could do after you refused to cuddle me last night.”
“I was asleep,” Draco said. “And you know the rules. If you can’t manage to come to bed on time, you’re the big spoon by default. Now stop whining.”
“But I’m dying,” Harry moaned, using his hold on Draco’s hand to keep him from evading a second time as he threw himself onto Draco’s shoulder with his full weight. “Please?”
Draco huffed and went through the trouble of rolling his eyes even though Harry couldn’t see them. “It’s not my fault you played Barbie Horse Adventure all night.”
“It absolutely is, though!” Harry poked Draco’s side with his free hand and added, “You were the one who suggested it in the chat.”
Draco shook his head. “Please. Twitch user ‘DontTellMyFatherAboutThis’ could be anyone.”
“You’re the worst,” Harry said, snaking an arm around Draco’s waist. “I should’ve let you believe that creating multiple Twitch accounts was illegal. Your father will totally hear about this.”
“I would never dream of doubting you,” Draco drawled, trying and failing to imagine Harry and his father in the same room together. “If you don’t want people suggesting Barbie games, you shouldn’t let them vote on what game you will try out.”
“But that’s the whole point of ‘Chaturday’s Choice’,” Harry whined. “You didn’t have to convince everyone to vote for bloody Barbie.”
“I really did, though,” Draco said. “Would you mind explaining why your stream overran by an hour and a half if the game was oh so horrible?”
“Careful,” Harry said, catching Draco the second he tripped. Harry squeezed his hip and bent down to free him from the leash Apollo had somehow managed to wind around his legs without Draco even noticing. “You think I’d go through all the trouble of downloading an emulator if I was only gonna use it for three hours?”
“That’s on you for not limiting the poll options to PC games.”
Strictly to support himself, Draco placed a hand on top of Harry’s head. His fingers were engulfed in silky smooth curls at once. It was quite possible that he would never be able to untangle himself from Harry’s hair, but that was a risk Draco was willing to take day in, day out. ‘Twas his cross to bear.
“See if I save you from your disaster of a cat next time,” Harry muttered down at Draco’s feet.
“Welcome back everyone,” Harry said as he adjusted his headphones. “Sorry about the abrupt ending last Tuesday. My boyfriend cursed my PC. Again. He is very vengeful.”
> LilyMightily: How many times is that this month?
>> oOCrimpShrimpOo: Five at least. It’s getting out of hand.
> BitchyWitchy: Akhfuhawgifhwqagioqahg!!111!! WTF?? I just stumbled across this stream by accident and … Is this THE Harry Potter? The actual Boy Who Lived? THAT HP? Am I going mad?
>> TheMysteriousQi: It’s TheBoyWhoLiveSTREAMEd. Learn to read. God, smh
>> InsultOccult: Is the bloke with the massive lightning bolt scar who is streaming from his red and gold bedroom actually HP? Guess we’ll never know!
>> HannaBananaRama: He’s got his wand right there on the table. He isn’t even trying.
>>> BitchyWitchy: Are we allowed to call it that in front of the you-know-whats?
>>>> InsultOccult: That’s nothing compared to what HE says on here on the reg
>>>>> CottageWitchLeah: Yah but he’s HP tho like what are they gunna do arrest him? please
>>> XxSnitchesGetStitchesXx: Mate, LANGUAGE! That said, that’s definitely a Firebolt II mounted on the wall. He doesn’t even bother blurring his background. So yeah.
>>> ElizaPancakes: I’m confused … like does he do cosplay or smth? Like why do ppl act like we should know him from somewhere else?
>>>> DubiousMorales: some of his super-fans sometimes pretend like their all secretly wizards i guess … idk its weird
>>>>> TheMysteriousQi: SO WEIRD RIGHT???? Like wtf is wrong with them?
>>>>> LilyMightily: I think it’s fun, like some kind of very elaborate role-play. I guess they coordinate it in the Discord server or something? I know there’s at least one channel you can only access if you DM one of the mods with a password.
>>>>>> LemonSqueezy91: Anyone here who knows the password and is willing to help a lass out? I love role-playing! Promise I won’t tell the normies!
>>>>>>> InsultOccult: It’s the spell you use to open locked doors. If you know you know. If you don’t … welp. Tough luck ;)
>>>>>>> LemonSqueezy91: =’(
>>>>> DovahKing420: Its a cult you guys
>>>>>> DocOckMurdock: OMG but that makes some kind of sense tho??
>> JoshuaJordan93: Guys, I was sorted into the same house a few years ago and was assigned his m*therf*cking actual dorm room! I’m about 90 % sure I’m sleeping in his bed!!
>> > XxBeyondBlondXx: Well, that’s creepy.
>>> AbbsForDays: OMG!! Pics!! (Also, what school is this and is 22 too old to enroll??)
>>>> JoshuaJordan93: Not actually there atm, summer hols. Soz!
>> BitchyWitchy: When we learned in HoM that there’s no official information on his profession, I just automatically assumed he’d be working as an unspeakable or something. This isn’t what I expected … brb, going to tell all my hb and mb friends about this.
‘If Witch Weekly doesn’t get wind of this before the month is out, I’ll eat my Firebolt,’ Draco sent. ‘This just isn’t sustainable. URGENT.’
It took Harry another two minutes until his ‘archaeologist’ character (most unsuitably dressed in shorts and a tank top) finally managed to kill her T. rex boss with nothing but two handguns. Harry put his controller aside and took a moment to read the messages before looking up at the camera.
“Welcome, new arrivals,” he said, sporting a lopsided grin. “Great to have you here. Also, this right here is a secret society of sorts, so do me a favour and don’t tell the grown-ups. I really don’t wanna deal with them.”
> AbbsForDays: Aren’t you a grown-up?
“That’s a common misconception,” Harry said. “This is actually my second attempt at a childhood.”
> TheMysteriousQi: mood.
Despite Harry’s explicit request, somebody must have ended up telling the grown-ups after all. It resulted in yet another visit from the Ministry a few days later — although one might point out that Ernie Macmillan didn’t appear very grown up, still in the process of sorting out his Apparition-tousled hair when Draco answered the front door.
“Macmillan,” Draco said, cocking an eyebrow as Macmillan hastily stuffed his comb into one of the many pockets of his navy blue Ministry robes. “I expected you about a week ago. Is this about the —”
“— the dragon busting out of Gringotts,” Macmillan rattled off as he pulled an overstuffed Manila folder out of thin air. “Yes.”
“Very well,” said Draco, who had assumed this visit was about the Animagus references Harry had been dropping for a full week now. “Harry is in the middle of his stream at the moment, but he should be done in about twenty minutes, provided he doesn’t overrun again. I am sorry to say that he is absolutely terrible at sticking to his schedule. Would you like a cup of tea while you wait?”
“Actually,” Macmillan said, clearing his throat and straightening his robes, “I’m here to shut it down.”
Draco laughed sharply as he stepped aside to allow Macmillan in. “I’d suggest we take our tea in the winter garden. Two sugars, splash of milk, isn’t it? Dash of lemon, too, since you seem to be in a daring mood today?”
As far as Ministry personnel went, Macmillan wasn’t actually all that bad. He was far too proper to ask Draco any personal questions, so they primarily talked about the most recent Transfiguration Today articles (as well as the weather, of course).
The garage door slammed shut about half an hour after Macmillan's arrival, and Draco instantly drew his wand to summon Harry’s favourite mug from the kitchen. Another flick of Draco’s wand, and the candle chandelier lit up just as the electricity cut out.
“Ah, there he is.” The teapot rose to fill the mug, which floated into Harry’s waiting hands as he flung himself onto the sofa next to Draco. “Harry, it’s Macmillan for you,” Draco said, quite unnecessarily. “Again.”
“Ernie, hey,” Harry said, quickly putting down his poorly insulated pound store mug before Princess Peach’s face could singe his fingertips for the millionth time. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine, thank you,” Macmillan said automatically. He took a sip of tea, visibly mulling over his next words. Finally, he asked in a chipper tone, “Harry, did you perhaps happen to tell the Muggles about that time you escaped a goblin-run wizarding bank on dragonback?”
The corner of Harry’s mouth twitched. “Sure did.”
Macmillan rubbed his temple. “You are, of course, aware that you are not allowed to tell the Muggles about magic?”
“Yep,” Harry said. “And surely you’ll have noticed that whoever ratted me out didn’t mention anything about a moving dragon model, right?” Harry tapped his temple with the handle of his wand. “That’s because I immobilised it before showing it off, you see. Quite considerate of me, I’d say.”
“Right,” Macmillan said, pursing his lips as he leafed through the contents of his folder. “My report does however mention ‘an incredibly realistic model of a Hungarian Horntail’. As well as ‘a close-up view of what was very clearly a wand’. Care to comment?”
“Ah, well, I keep Zsófia sitting on top of my monitor, you see? Right next to the camera. Not much I could’ve done about that, really.” Harry shrugged, leaned back so he could stuff a hand into the pocket of his joggers and fished out a crinkled and slightly ripped piece of paper. “Well, here you go.”
Macmillan frowned as he unfolded the paper and smoothed it out on top of his Manila folder. “What’s this?”
“I thought I’d speed the process along and fill out your form ahead of time.”
Macmillan cleared his throat. “This says your offence was ‘explaining Quidditch to approximately 2,000 Muggles because one of them asked about the broom hanging on the wall’.”
“Right. That’s obviously not what you’re here about,” Harry said, plunging his hand into his other pocket and snatching the unfolded form away to replace it with a less battered one. “This should be it, I think.”
“Harry,” Macmillan said heavily. His teacup rattled on its saucer (Draco refrained from chastising him about picking up the saucer in the first place) and Macmillan quickly put it down on the very edge of the replacement form. If he thought that would dissuade Harry from potentially snatching this parchment away as well, he was delusional. Macmillan took a deep breath before he continued. “Did you tell thousands of Muggles about our most popular magical sport?”
Harry crossed his legs and took a sip of his tea. “Might’ve.”
“Or he might not have,” Draco interjected. He retrieved one of the tins stashed underneath the coffee table – the good one for a change – and offered Macmillan a biscuit. “‘In dubio pro reo’, isn’t it?”
“I’m not ‘in dubio’, though,” Macmillan said, completely ignoring Draco’s fancy biscuits. His ears were twitching – a nervous habit he evidently hadn’t been able to shake in almost ten years of ministry work. “Harry put it in writing and signed it.”
“I’ve seen nothing of the sort,” Draco said, resolutely squashing down on his manners as he rattled the tin. Macmillan left him hanging for several seconds – eyes fixed on the shabby square of paper now vanishing into Harry’s pocket – before he finally helped himself to three biscuits at once.
“Just don’t do it again,” Macmillan said, sliding the form into his Manila folder and emptying his cup in one single very uncharacteristic gulp before getting to his feet. “Please. Your escapades are seriously impacting my ratio. I’m due for a performance review next month.”
“Right,” Harry said, smiling innocently. “Sure. I’ll see you at Ron’s stag do?”
“Of course,” Macmillan said. He hesitated for a second before asking in a hushed voice, “It’s going to be a regular one, right? I mean … I’ve heard … at George Weasley’s party … You didn’t all get outrageous haircuts and … and quite permanent tattoos, did you? That’s just one of those rumours, isn’t it?”
“Oh, no,” Draco said, adding another splash of milk to cool his somehow still scalding tea. (Perhaps his own cup was insulated a bit too well.) “They didn’t collectively take leave of all their senses. No need to worry.”
“No, of course not,” Macmillan said, nodding eagerly. “It did sound pretty implausible. We are all adults, after all.”
“Absolutely,” Draco said as he stirred his tea carefully. “As far as I am aware, Harry was the only one mental enough to let a Muggle immortalise themself on his body that night.”
“It wasn’t mental,” Harry muttered. “I’d already been thinking about getting another tattoo for a long time. And it wasn’t like I got tattooed in a back alley.”
Clink, clink, clink, made Draco’s spoon as he lightly tapped it against the rim of his cup. “I thought you don’t actually remember?” Draco asked pleasantly.
“Yeah,” Harry said, glancing at a horrified Macmillan. “But I know we went to a proper shop, alright?”
“The way Weasley tells it, it was the very same shop at which you got your hair cut.”
“Was it?” Harry asked, frowning now. “I kinda assumed one of the lads had a go at my hair.”
“The point is,” Draco said, folding his hands in his lap as he turned to address Macmillan, “I’ve been asked by multiple people – well, mostly the women, to be honest – to come along this time. To prevent a repeat of any such nonsense.”
“Brilliant,” Macmillan breathed, no doubt pondering whether he should back out of the whole thing. He vanished the folder with a tap of his wand and moved towards the French windows leading into the garden. “Well, have a good one, Harry, Malfoy.”
“Bye, Ern.”
Draco wished he could watch Macmillan’s arrival at the Ministry. It was bound to be a sight, considering he very clearly stumbled over his own feet as he twisted and Disapparated after taking just a single step onto the patio.
“Someone called the magic police on me again,” Harry said as he started his stream two days after the incident. “What are they gonna do? Arrest me? After I died for them that one time? Can you imagine?”
> DocOckMurdock: magic police, I love it xxD are they like the vegan police from scott pilgrim??
>> CottageWitchLeah: those guys were actually competent, though xD can’t say the same for our guys tbh
“Oh, better not get me started on the Ministry,” Harry said with a huff, right before launching into his usual Ministry speech. “I’m friends with some of them, actually, and I can see how they’re working on improving themselves, but it certainly is a rather slow process at times. Like, you could just toss out about ninety per cent of those outrageously outdated rules and we’d be more than fine! And the bloody Statute –”
‘URGENT,’ Draco sent before Harry could talk himself into serious trouble. ‘Hermione will have your head if you rock the boat a week before their wedding.’
“Right,” Harry said after chewing his bottom lip for a second or two. He nearly swept his mobile off the desk when Artemis jumped into his lap without warning, but when one of his hands settled between her ears, his mind seemed made up. “Well, let’s have a look at the poll then, shall we?”
Draco was proud to say that he had once again succeeded in influencing the poll significantly, and Harry’s face did a rather funny thing when his eyes landed on the results. He sighed heavily.
“Guess I should have known better than to put that in there,” he muttered. For a brief moment, his face was hidden from the camera as Artemis swished her tail, and then he leaned to the side to frown at his screen some more. “I think we should have a redo, actually. We’ve clearly been hacked. This is very obviously the work of an army of bots.”
> XxSnitchesGetStitchesXx: tHE POLL DOESN#T LIE11
> XxBeyondBlondXx: RESPECT THE POLL!
> LemonSqueezy91: the people have spoken!
> LilyMightily: Look at Missy’s cute little furry face! Not even she is buying that crap!!
Harry frowned down at Artemis, who actually was looking back up at him like she was attempting and failing to figure him out. Her tail flicked his nose, and Harry sneezed. “Alright, fine,” he said as he turned back towards the camera, sighing heavily once again. (And people called Draco a drama queen.) “Guess we’ll be playing The Sims tomorrow. Yay.”
> ElizaPancakes: YES! <33
> FruitlessRootless: Are you going to play or will you focus on building?
>> AbbsForDays: BUILDING!!!
>>> ElizaPancakes: OMG yes! replicate your house pls!!!!
>> HannaBananaRama: nO, i wanna see him create a sim of his bf!!
>>> XxSnitchesGetStitchesXx: THIS!!!11!1!
>> BitchyWitchy: Why not both?
>>> DubiousMorales: Cause the stream is only scheduled for 2 hours?
>>>> BitchyWitchy: So?
>>>>> FruitlessRootless: So if he has never played Sims before, it will take him an hour alone to go through all the clothes options
>>>>>> BitchyWitchy: How many jeans and red hoodies can there be?
>>>>>>> ElizaPancakes: Oh my sweet summer child
>>>> XxBeyondBlondXx: He never sticks to his schedule anyway
Harry clapped his hands once, and then quickly moved them out of reach when Artemis swiped a paw at him in irritation. “Guess it’s time for another poll before you guys rip each other to shreds,” he said, hands still up in the air. “Alright, let’s see. Building my house or creating myself as a Sim. What’s it gonna be?”
As Harry got up for a quick break, Draco muted the stream and utilised the time to record the last of his voice-over for the Buckingham Palace speed-build he was going to upload on Wednesday – well, provided he had enough usable footage of Apollo until then. For some reason, Apollo seemed even more restless than usual lately, and Draco hadn’t yet managed to catch him napping in the winter garden for more than a few minutes at a time.
Draco was no idiot; he knew Apollo was half the reason people subscribed to his channel. While there were a number of reasons to follow Harry (including but not limited to his easy-going attitude, his outrageous stories, his bright eyes, his unruly curls, his crooked grin as well as an assortment of scars that suggested an adventurous past – yes, Draco could go on), all Draco had to offer were his building skills and an ill-bred gremlin of a black cat snoozing inside a bubble in the bottom corner of his videos.
And while Draco supposed that his impeccable style and objectively handsome physique (just facts, really) would be more than enough to net him some more viewers, he wasn’t willing to expose himself to such a degree. Draco didn’t need to add to all the attention they were attracting. Harry already had that part covered on his own. Granted, he only got stopped by Muggles about once a month, and he didn’t seem to mind it nearly as much as the reactions he caused when they were out in the magical world, but as far as Draco was concerned? Just sneaking away and watching from a distance while the Muggles fawned over Harry was awkward enough. He really didn’t need that for himself.
With half a minute left on Harry’s poll, Draco finished his recording. He unmuted the stream just in time for Harry to scoop Artemis up from his previously deserted chair and plop himself down with a mug of fresh tea in hand, a stack of fancy biscuits balanced precariously across the rim. Draco had a feeling that if he were to go into the kitchen and check the tin labelled ‘DRACO’S PRIVATE RESERVES’ and ‘TRESPASSERS WILL BE EXECUTED’, he would find it plundered.
“Alright, let’s see,” Harry said while he draped Artemis over his lap.
Maybe he thought the sight of Missy’s gracious face would distract Draco from his rapidly developing revenge plans re: Grand Theft Biscuits. The joke was on Harry, though. Draco could marvel at the fluffy tuft of fur on top of Missy’s ears and mentally draft his Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes order form at the same time.
If it had been any other day, Draco might have just waved his wand, bamboozled the electricity and been done with it. He really wanted to see Harry face the results of his poll, though. (It was going to be disastrous for him either way.)
“Well, looks like I’ll be building in The Sims come Saturday,” Harry said, brushing some stolen biscuit crumbs off his chest and consequently onto Artemis, who flinched and jumped off his lap. “Great. Does that mean I’ll have to leave this room and actually have a look at the rest of the house? Do I need to unearth the blueprints? I’ll say it again: I shouldn’t have let you guys decide.”
“Now, my boyfriend owns all the packs, so I don’t think I should be legally required to buy them again.” Harry dragged his legs up onto the chair so he was sitting tailor-fashion. It really highlighted his thighs, Draco thought. The chat seemed to agree. Harry pretended not to notice as he went on with his preamble. “They’ve already got our money, right? His casa is my casa, his digital copy of the Sims game is my imaginary copy of the Sims game, et cetera.”
> LemonSqueezy91: Doesn’t that only apply if you’re married?
“Yeah, well, marrying just for access to his video games seems a bit excessive, doesn’t it?” Harry ran a hand through his hair, nearly throwing off his headphones. He straightened them, his cheeks slightly flushed, and cleared his throat. “That’s why I’ve illegally downloaded the game files instead of simply logging into his account,” Harry finally added, giving the camera only a cursory glance instead of the crooked grin that usually took over his face when he talked about the countless illegal activities he’d got up to over the years.
> DovahKing420: valid.
As usual, Harry’s stance on marriage couldn’t have been more obvious if he had tried. Draco swallowed the lump in his throat and chastised himself for agonising over it.
“Alright,” Harry said quite suddenly, clapping his hands three times for emphasis. “Since we’re all pirated up and ready to go … Let’s do this!”
> SuperDuperFuzzy: should you be admitting to pirating games??? Isn’t that like a crime?? Don’t they have special lawyers for these things?
>> FruitlessRootless: they sure as hell do
Harry scoffed and started the game. “Well, EA can certainly try to sue me or whatever. Good luck finding me, I guess.”
> DocOckMurdock: OMG are you in witness protection??
>> TheMysteriousQi: Do you think the police would let him have a Twitch channel with 780k followers if someone was out to kill him?
>>> FrostyTheButler: Well, I don’t think there are any teenagers out to get him, so …
>>>> LemonSqueezy91: I’m watching this and I am not a teenager …
>>>>> DocOckMurdock: It’s them!!! Get them!!!
>>>>> AbbsForDays: Why do u wanna kill our precious bby?
>>>>>> DubiousMorales: Your baby is a dirty pirate
> DovahKing420: Honestly good for you! EA can suck it
> LilyMightily: Guys, can’t Twitch ban him for admitting to pirating games? Does anyone know?
“Nah, Twitch wouldn’t ban me,” Harry said lightly, and then he spent the next three minutes in the start menu, exiting out of the pop-up banners for the dozens of packs, bundles and kits he’d just stolen from a multimillion-dollar company.
> ElizaPancakes: How can you know? Please, we can’t lose you!
> FrostyTheButler: They sure as f*ck could do it.
>> BitchyWitchy: noooOOO
“They won’t,” Harry repeated. “I know that for a fact, because … would you believe me if I told you I’m friends with the Earl of Twitch himself? We’re like this,” he added, crossing his fingers.
> SuperDuperFuzzy: Come for the hot boy, stay for the outrageous stories. 10/10!
> DubiousMorales: so … they’ll totally ban him, right?
Draco saved his current project and then switched Harry’s stream to full screen. When he had arranged his tea and biscuits so he could easily reach them, Draco pulled his legs up onto his sofa for a more comfortable viewing experience.
After about twenty highly entertaining minutes of watching Harry fight the game mechanics, Apollo unexpectedly leapt onto the sofa and curled up in Draco’s lap, ears perked as he fixed his eyes on the laptop. Draco supposed there was no harm in showing his lower body on YouTube, so he leaned over and turned on his cat cam to record the footage his next upload was currently missing.
“Well,” Harry said as he leaned back in his chair. He cocked his head and clicked his tongue as he rotated the in-game camera to show the mess he’d made of his floor plan. “So, as we can see, I am rubbish at building things. What even is this scale? And how do I get rid of all these extra walls? Merlin, this is a bloody mess.”
“He’s going to do something rash now,” Draco told Apollo as he tickled him between the ears. “I can feel it.”
“Oh, there’s a little bulldozer up here; that looks promising –” Harry said as he clicked the bulldozer and skipped the warning without reading it. He trailed off as his lot was promptly cleared off. “Huh. A little warning would have been … er … well, never mind.”
Harry tried clicking the undo button a full eight times before finally accepting that the greyed-out icon meant that the function wasn’t available. Finally, he leaned back in his chair and picked up his mobile. “Alright, hang on a minute,” he muttered, tapping at the screen. “I’ll just call my boyfriend so he can guide me. Let’s hope it doesn’t go to his head.”
> InsultOccult: Are we gonna hear him????!
“Nah,” Harry said, still tapping. “If I’d put him on speakerphone, he’d hex me faster than you can say ‘Tarantallegra’.”
> FruitlessRootless: I don’t think anyone can repeat whatever that word was.
‘This is painful to watch,’ Draco sent. ‘Check your drawer before I mercy-kill your stream.’
“Hang on,” Harry muttered, eyes flitting across the screen of his mobile. Grinning slightly, he bent down to open the top drawer of his desk. He grabbed the USB drive Draco had stashed there and held it up to the camera, wiggling it excitedly. “Mysterious.”
‘Instructions are in the Word doc. Get a move on before I find someone else to entertain me.’
Despite Draco’s very concise tutorial, it took Harry nearly fifteen minutes until he finally managed to load into the shell Draco had built. Humming to himself in a rather appreciative tone, Harry inspected the floor plan from all angles.
“Yep, that’s our house alright,” he finally said. “I guess he was quite possibly expecting me to fail this step. Harsh.”
> HannaBananaRama: Aaaaaw, they know each other so well <3333
>> AbbsForDays: goals <33
“Well, I’ve been told that there’s no gallery to download from when you’re flying the black flag, so I guess I’ll just take this. I don’t see myself building anything like that anytime soon.”
> ElizaPancakes: No you can actually use the gallery if you know what you’re doing!!
>> XxBeyondBlondXx: does it look like he knows what he’s doing?
“I clearly don’t know what I’m doing. And between us, I’m honestly surprised my boyfriend knows how the gallery works. Last week I had to stop him before he could microwave some leftovers our friend wrapped up for him. In tinfoil.”
> DocOckMurdock: nooooo
> XxBeyondBlondXx: yeah that sounds about right
‘Keep this up and I might find the jump-scariest horror game there is and convince the whole chat to vote for it next week. You twat. URGENT.’
Harry winked at the camera. “Well, I will say he did a good job with this floor plan. Fun fact, he also mostly designed our actual house. One of his friends from college actually recommended this game specifically so he could plan it out.”
> LemonSqueezy91: so you’re fine with building an actual house together, but marriage is off the table???
> FrostyTheButler: … is Coco making you say this?
> DovahKing420: blink twice if you’re being held at gunpoint
“No, I’m not being held at gunpoint,” Harry said, pointedly ignoring the very valid question LemonSqueezy91 had posed. “This isn’t the US. Also, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t even know which end to point at me if he got his hands on a gun. That’s a compliment, babe,” Harry added quickly, index finger raised. “No need to exact revenge just yet.”
> CottageWitchLeah: damn, we’re gonna get hexed before the night is out, won’t we?
>> AbbsForDays: please no :( I don’t have anything else planned tonight but this
“Nah, I think we’re good tonight,” Harry said cockily (and rather accurately, unfortunately). “He wants me to make a fool of myself for as long as possible so he can rub it in later. Well, no need to keep him waiting, right? I’ll go ahead and furnish the house now.”
> SuperDuperFuzzy: OMG are British houses really all built the same? Cuz i swear i furnished this exact house last week!!
>> ElizaPancakes: I know, it’s really familiar right? I think Draco uploaded a shell like that to the gallery like half a year ago?? I’ve been using it for all my builds ever since bc i succ at building
>>> DocOckMurdock: Whose Draco? Like a simmer?
>>>> ElizaPancakes: Search DracoDomesticus on the gallery. He’s also got a yt thats just brilliant. It features the cutest cat to ever cat
>>>>> SuperDuperFuzzy: Oh right!! I love him!!! He’s always doing this snobby bit, it’s hilarious
>>>>>> InsultOccult: I don’t think he’s acting …
>>>>>>> FirstPersonLooter: Guys, he’s a vamp. He’s clearly a vampire from like the victorian era
>>>>>>>> SuperDuperFuzzy: I can see it xDDDDDD that’s why he never shows his face right?
>>>>>>>>> EivorTheSurvivor: Also, there’s mirrors in cameras right? So he can’t film himself!! Cause vamps don’t have a reflection
>>>>>>>>>> ElizaPancakes: we do see his hand sometimes when he pets the cat
>>>>>>>>>>> EivorTheSurvivor: Oh yeah … he’s very pale though isn’t he? And his fingers are very long like supernaturally one might say
>>>>>>>>>>>> FruitlessRootless: Wtf is wrong with all of you?
Harry had stopped furnishing his ‘bedroom/office’ (which he was pretending wasn’t actually their garage/guest room) as the chat exploded. There was a deep frown on his face as his eyes kept flickering from one side to the other, mouth opened just slightly. “What’s happening in chat right now? Guys, I can’t read that fast, someone needs to tell me what’s going on.”
‘Your viewers recognise my excellent build,’ Draco typed. ‘Urgent.’ His self-esteem had skyrocketed upon the praise Harry’s followers had bestowed upon him, and it was further improved when Apollo started kneading his thigh with his paws. ‘Also, they love me more than you. Naturally.’
“Wait, hang on.” Harry was sucking on his lower lip, which meant he was concentrating. Draco could see him mouthing the words ‘Draco Domesticus’. Finally, he frowned and leaned back in his chair, dragging a hand through his hair and accidentally throwing his headphones off in the process.
Harry grimaced as he straightened them out, and got back to scrolling through the desk options at a painfully slow pace. “I can’t say I know very much about Sims YouTubers,” he said faux–casually. “I think we’ve established that I’m not very knowledgeable when it comes to the Sims. And how great can that Draco bloke be, really? My boyfriend built this thing within a month of installing the game, and he didn’t even know what a computer was until he went to college.”
> JoshuaJordan93: Same, honestly. I’m pb and I didn’t know what a computer was until I met my m*ggl*-b*rn gf.
>> LilyMightily: What’s with the weird censoring? What’s that even supposed to SPELL?
>> AbbsForDays: Is pb like a very sad pbj but without the jelly? Are you a sandwich?
>> TheMysteriousQi: This chat is SO weird. Can’t tell what you people are talking about half the time.
>>> DocOckMurdock: I’m p sure half this chat is just witches having a laugh at us
>>>> FrostyTheButler: I think it’s only about 5% but they are VERY vocal.
> VainQuixotic: Oh my gosh, my cousin went out with you back in the day!
“Oh hey, person whose cousin I apparently went out with.” Harry waved at the camera. “You’re gonna have to narrow it way down, though. Are we talking about school or college here?”
> XxBeyondBlondXx: If it’s college, then good luck getting a confirmation, cause Harry “dated” a lot of people and he won’t be able to describe at least 80 % of them. I was there, so I should know.
“Ouch, Liam. That was uncalled for. You’re making it sound like I was some kind of slag.” Harry raised a finger and added in a serious voice, “I want to go on the record and say that I’m just exceptionally face-blind. I might not be able to describe some of them, but I’m pretty sure I could tell you something about them.”
> XxBeyondBlondXx: Be that as it may. You totally were a slag in college, though.
>> AbbsForDays: OMG I can totally picture this.
>> InsultOccult: Does Coco know about this??
>>> XxBeyondBlondXx: how do you think they got together? ;)
>> FirstPersonLooter: cant say im surprised. its the hair
>>> DubiousMorales: excuse you??? It's totally that badass scar, like 100 %
> VainQuixotic: My cousin actually dated you back at school!!
“Alright, that’s easy, then,” Harry said, his attention back on scrolling through the catalogue in search of a desk chair that matched the one he was currently sitting on. “What’s her hair colour?”
> VainQuixotic: Black!!
“Oh yeah, say hi to Cho for me. I actually saw her at a wedding a few months ago.” Harry placed his chosen chair about two tiles too far from the desk for it to snap, and went on to search for a computer that he wouldn’t be able to place because his Sim’s desk was already far too cluttered in all the wrong places. “We’re actually pretty good mates now.”
> VainQuixotic: No her name’s romilda
Over the years, Draco had heard Harry slag off Romilda Vane on more occasions than he could count on both hands (mostly when they were pissed) but it never got old. By now, he was pretty sure there was a script embedded in Harry’s brain that got activated as soon as someone mentioned Romilda, love potions, ‘secret admirers’, Chocolate Cauldrons, WWW’s Owl Order Service … the list went on.
Apart from being highly entertaining, Harry’s rant also kept the chat engaged for the remaining two hours of the stream, effectively diverting any and all attention from Draco’s YouTube persona as well as Harry’s boyfriend (Draco refused to call himself ‘Coco’ even inside his own head).
As soon as Harry’s stream ended (with his build about 20 % furnished and 100 % pathetic), Draco shouldered open the heavy fire door leading into Harry’s garage office.
“A bloody vampire?” he hissed as he dropped down on the bed, deposing Apollo next to Artemis. “Unbelievable. You are the one whose cheek always gets them in trouble with the Ministry. I can’t think of one single stream during which you didn’t break the Statute! I’ve never even uttered the word ‘magic’ once in any of my videos. I haven’t even bought the ‘Realm of Magic’ game pack! Why do the Muggles think you’re just an incredibly dedicated role-player and I’m the vampire?”
“That’s the neat thing,” Harry said, wheeling his desk chair over to the bed and ripping his headphone cord out of its jack. Draco, who saw the attack coming from a mile away, only just managed to catch Harry’s hand before Harry could flick his forehead. Harry grinned and intertwined their fingers. “You don’t need to cover up magic. Muggles will do all the work themselves and find explanations for you.”
“This is an outrage.”
“It’s just common sense, really.”
“You will understand if I don’t take your word for it. You aren’t exactly the poster child for common sense, are you now?”
“I have plenty of sense,” Harry protested. “I have a bachelor’s degree and everything.”
Draco, who had an actual job he had suffered through college and trained for, scoffed. “What, like it’s hard? I’ve got two words for you regarding your level of common sense: Romilda. Vane.”
Harry nearly tipped his chair over when he threw his head back to face the ceiling, groaning deeply. “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”
“Undoubtedly,” Draco said. “That and the mullet.”
“So, what you’re saying is … is that you’re … hang on.”
With both index fingers hanging in the air just inches from Draco’s face, Harry turned to see why their mates a bit further up the street were suddenly roaring with laughter. His hands dropped to his sides with a slap, and then he was marching up the cobblestone pavement, leaving Draco standing underneath the street lamp behind the Leaky all by his lonesome. Macmillan seemed to be anxiously awaiting Harry’s intervention, his face turning from him to the group and back again at split-second intervals.
“George!” Harry bellowed, trying and failing to sound serious. “I promised Hermione we’d return him exactly as we received him! She explicitly told me to make sure there were absolutely no –” Harry snorted as Ron shook himself and lost most of his bright yellow plumage in one big poofy cloud that got picked up by a bout of summer wind and obscured Macmillan. “– no feathers!”
“Not my fault Ronnikins ate it!” George called back even though Harry had all but caught up with them. “He knew exactly what it was when he took it. All I said was that he wasn’t a proper Weasley if he was afraid of a little Canary Cream.”
“You also called him ‘Weatherby’,” Charlie said, slinging one arm over George’s shoulders. “A rather brilliant tactic, I might add.”
“Right,” Harry said, eyes flicking to Draco as he slowly approached them. He stretched out a hand and hauled Draco in by his arm, causing Draco to trip over his own damn befuddled feet and crash into him. Pretending like that had been his intention all along, Harry wound an arm around Draco’s waist and kept him plastered against his side. He levelled George and Charlie with a stern look that was slightly undermined by his droopy eyelids. “Well, none of that, tonight. Understood?”
“Weren’t you just about to bully me into getting my hair dyed to match the occasion by calling me a coward?” Draco asked evenly.
“I am neither confirming nor denying these baseless accusations,” Harry said. His fingertips found their way underneath the hem of Draco’s shirt, and he pretended like he had nothing to do with the shiver that ran through Draco’s body. “All I’m saying is – What the evidence is saying, rather – is that Ron has more nerve than you. I mean … He’s getting married in two days. To Hermione. Like … Hermione. And he still had the balls to accept food from George.”
“Turning into a bird for a minute isn’t exactly the same as dyeing my hair,” Draco pointed out. “I’d like to at least appear like a professional.”
Macmillan nodded along vehemently, perhaps fearing (rather accurately) that he might be next on Harry’s list of people to corrupt.
“Completely overrated,” Harry said, pulling Draco along as the group suddenly started moving down Diagon Alley. “You don’t even show your face on YouTube.”
Draco huffed. “Might I remind you that school starts in less than two weeks? Would you have taken McGonagall seriously if she had turned up for our first Transfiguration lesson with flaming red hair? ”
“First of all: Yes,” Harry said, pinching Draco’s side. “It’s McGonagall. She could come to class as a canary and I … like totally! I would take her seriously. Second of all: You’ll only be teaching the first- and second-years. Are you admitting that you’re scared of a bunch of tiny children?”
“I’m not scared,” Draco insisted, digging his elbow into Harry’s ribcage for emphasis. “I am sane. You might try it sometime.”
“Whatever you say,” Harry said, pressing a kiss against his cheek that felt quite condescending. “Professor.”
It was quite possible that Draco would have thought of something else to do for his next video, had his shoulder not still been hurting, had his hair not still been unbearably ginger, had his pride not still been bruised beyond measure by the time he sat down to record.
“So,” he drawled into the microphone, acutely aware but not exactly caring that Harry would make fun of him for it once the video was uploaded. “I’ve been informed that there’s a certain unkempt … ahem … ‘streamer’ – whose name I shall not speak – that has been questioning my building skills. Now, as I am sure you’ll understand, this simply cannot stand.”
Draco clicked into the Sims gallery and placed the empty shell of their real-life house on the current lot.
“So, today, I thought it would be fun to take this shell I did last year.” Draco rotated the in-game camera once so he could show it from all angles. “Which he wants us to believe fits his house rather well – and I’m not saying his boyfriend just downloaded it from my gallery and pretended that he built it himself, but you might notice quite the resemblance. Well, we’ll take this and see how far we’ll get in two and a half hours.”
Making a mental note to overlay it in the upper corner of his video, Draco opened a screenshot of Harry’s build on his tablet and said, “Just as a reminder, here is a reference of what that amateur managed to do in that time frame. You might notice right away how there isn’t all that much furniture apart from this one room. I’ll go out on a limb and predict that we will finish this whole house before the time is up.
“Now, as you can imagine, I have neither the time nor the will to wade through hours and hours of some random bloke’s streams on the off-chance that he might show or mention what the rest of his house looks like. So, we’ll furnish his room as we’ve seen it on stream – here’s a picture for reference – and then we’ll imagine what the rest of his house could look like based on that. Considering that he can’t even sort out his hair, we’ll be looking at a lot of clutter items, here.”
With the focus on Harry’s currently empty garage space, Draco opened the wall paint menu. “Now, before we get into it, I want to make something very clear. This is a garage. How do I know? Easy. Simply look at this wall. Just because he painted it red doesn’t mean it’s not a garage door. That’s a fact. Also, if my partner, whom I live with, were a streamer, I certainly wouldn’t want him streaming from our actual bedroom. Now, I don’t know why anyone would want to date this bloke, but I’d assume they wouldn’t want to sleep in a garage either. This is not his actual bedroom slash office. He just wants everyone to think it is. Why? Beats me. Go ask him. Please, please go ahead and ask him. I am dying to know as well.”
Furnishing their house according to Harry’s plebeian taste was almost too easy. Draco kept the positioning mostly the same and simply chose furniture with a lot of ‘character’ (meaning: things Harry would describe as comfy and Draco would describe as bulk rubbish). He deemed his build finished when every available surface was cluttered beyond reason, and then completely obliterated Harry’s reputation by using the remaining forty-five minutes of his time limit to create more than passable Sims versions of Harry and Artemis.
“Now, I know this is the last night for those of you who will be going back to Scotland tomorrow,” Harry said, adjusting the hood of the Gryffindor jumper he was wearing despite the sweltering heat. “So, I thought we’d continue our mage playthrough of Skyrim to put you into the right mindset.”
> LemonSqueezy91: What’s in Scotland?
>> DovahKing420: their imaginary magik school i think
>>> DubiousMorales: Why would he place his imaginary magic school in Scotland?
>>>> BitchyWitchy: Where else would it go?
>>>>> DubiousMorales: idk??? Wherever Stonehenge is, ig?
“Why is the magic school in Scotland?” Harry said. “No clue; the only time I ever paid attention in History was when the professor told us about this ancient hidden chamber within the castle that was said to house a curse or a monster or something. I don’t recall the exact wording. Maybe my boyfriend is right and I actually do have brain damage from getting hexed all the time.”
> TheMysteriousQi: How do you even come up with that?
> DocOckMurdock: parents actually send their children to live there????
“Oh, don’t worry. The giant venomous snake that ended up living in the chamber was killed over a decade ago. It’s totally safe now. The chamber, that is. Can’t say the same about the rest of the castle, probably.”
> BitchyWitchy: Yah killed bY YOU!!! With a MASSIVE FUCK-OFF SWORDD!!! Kinda an important detail to the story WOULDN’T YOU THINK??
>> FruitlessRootless: I’m SORRY?!
"It was a regular-arse sword." Harry shrugged as he finally started up his game. “Details. Still wouldn’t really recommend trying that yourself. The Phoenix that saved my life isn’t at school any more, so that might complicate things somewhat. A bit of advice for everyone headed there tomorrow – and I know this might sound hypocritical: Just don’t go looking for trouble. All you’ll find are three-headed dogs, giant snakes, slightly less giant but still enormous spiders — huh, now I’m thinking about it, there’s a surprisingly large amount of predator animals looking to kill you. All-around a miserable time. Except for the Giant Squid. He’s not half bad. Loves toast.”
> DubiousMorales: now we know what you can do with a bachelor’s in Greek myth
>> DovahKing420: Become a twitch streamer?
>>> DubiousMorales: yah
>>> XxBeyondBlondXx: about the only thing it’s good for, really
> JoshuaJordan93: What’s with the hood today?
>> AbbsForDays: omg did you cut your hair?? plz tell me you didn't I wouldn’t be able to take it
Harry laughed. “I did attend another stag do last week, but no haircut this time. I might have got a few ‘temporary’ highlights that are taking their sweet time to fade. Guess they’re not bad enough for my hair to take care of it on its own.”
> CottageWitchLeah: show us!!!!!!
> LilyMightily: What do you mean, ‘this time’?
“I might’ve got a bad haircut last time I went on a stag do,” Harry said, manoeuvring his character forward once his save had finally loaded, and promptly falling off a cliff and to his rather ragdolly death. “Not this time, though. This time my boyfriend was there as well.”
> InsultOccult: Aaaaw, Coco is the good influence. the better half
Knowing Harry and his penchant for throwing him to the wolves, Draco was barely restraining himself from using a teeny-tiny warning spell – just enough to confuse the electricity for an hour or so. After all, tomorrow would be his first day back at Hogwarts too. Didn’t he deserve a little something to put himself into the right mindset as well? (So what if he would be returning home at the end of each day? It was a matter of principle.)
“Nope,” Harry said gleefully. “He likes to paint himself as the sensible one, but the truth of the matter is this: Even squiffed I could tell that it would be much more fun if I got him to get a haircut instead of doing it myself.”
> HannaBananaRama: oh no :O did he do it??
“Cut and colour,” Harry said. “He looks really fucking awful. I took loads of pics. Maybe I’ll have them printed on a mug or something. Bedsheets? T-Shirts? Suggestions are welcome”
> ElizaPancakes: poor thing
“Nah, he’s far from poor,” Harry said. “He’s got a ton of photos of me with just the most terrible haircut. Said he’ll make a slideshow and show it at my wedding. He totally deserves this.”
> LemonSqueezy91: wouldn’t it be his wedding as well?
“See?” Harry said, slamming the controller down at once. “That’s what I thought as well. But he doesn’t want to get married, I guess.”
There was silence for a second as Harry grimaced at the camera, obviously remembering that Draco was most likely watching. Draco stared back, his heart hammering in his chest.
“Which is fine, obviously,” Harry finally added. He didn’t seem to notice that his character had respawned and was currently being roasted by a roaming dragon. “I mean, it’s a bit confusing why he would think I’ll have a wedding without him, but whatever. Fine. Everything’s great as it is, so what would we even get married for?”
> LemonSqueezy91: love?
> XxBeyondBlondXx: taxes?
> DontTellMyFatherAboutThis: Are you quite sure he doesn’t want to? Have you actually asked him?
“Ask him? I don’t need to ask him; I already know he doesn’t want to –” Harry’s eyes narrowed as he leaned closer to the screen. His lips moved silently. Draco was pretty sure they were forming the words ‘DontTellMyFatherAboutThis’.
“I … well, technically, I …” Tossing his controller onto the bed behind him with unsurprising accuracy, causing Artemis to scramble with a yowl, Harry muttered, “Oh, sod that! Coco, I know you’re watching, so here goes … Would you want to get married?”
“Obviously,” Draco hissed, like a boiling kettle that had been left on the stove for too long. On-screen, Harry … didn’t react. Naturally. Draco shook himself out of his stupor, and, with the sound of blood rushing in his ears, typed, ‘Yes’ into the chat and very nearly sent it too – As he had always suspected, ginger hair seemed to have a negative effect on the head it occupied as well as the brain cells housed within.
There was a strange, strangled noise as Harry inhaled shakily and turned around to retrieve his controller. “Well, there you have it,” Harry said, followed by a bloody awkward laugh. “No response is an answer in itself, isn’t it? He doesn’t want to –”
No. Nononono. No. Absolutely not.
The coffee table scraped across the expensive marble flooring of the winter garden as Draco bumped into it on his way into the hallway. The doorbell rang just as Draco rounded the corner. Through the frosted glass windows inserted in the front door, he could just make out the blurry shape of a tall person wearing navy robes. They’d have to wait. Draco threw himself against the heavy garage door, and Harry flinched so hard he nearly fell out of his chair. Apollo slipped in just before the garage door snapped shut and leapt up onto the bed to claim the probably still-warm spot his sister had vacated.
“Fuck you,” Draco said, grabbing Harry’s arms and pulling him to his feet with so much force they ended up crashing into each other. “Yes.”
Harry stared at him. “Yes … you think I should start the Dawnguard quest?”
Draco rolled his eyes and sighed heavily enough to convey just how much Harry irritated him. “Yes, let’s get married. I don’t mind.”
“I … what? But you said … I thought …”
“Yes,” Draco repeated, flicking the unplugged headphone cord dangling in the space between them. “Might be my only chance to show that slideshow.”
“Show me yours, I’ll show you mine,” Harry said. Draco didn’t know why he had ever expected Harry to pull off a halfway dignified proposal. At least Harry’s grimace indicated that he was aware of his many shortcomings. “I can’t believe I asked you to marry me live on Twitch.”
“I can’t believe you called me Coco when you asked me to marry you. Live on Twitch.”
“Also, you’re a ginger,” Harry pointed out. “With a mullet. Currently live on Twitch.”
“Also,” Draco said, grinning nastily to prevent his face from betraying how mortified he actually was, “the ‘magic police’ is at the door for you.”
> InsultOccult: Guys … does anyone else find that voice really familiar? Like really really really fucking familiar?
> ElizaPancakes: holy motherfucking shit, I know that cat, what the hell!!!!
> BitchyWitchy: thats my teacher, wtf
> SuperDuperFuzzy: OMG its Draco!!! Draco is Coco!! DraCoco omg omg omg!!!
> FrostyTheButler: Well, that’s a witch if I ever saw one.
>> DovahKing420: Do you guys think we should maybe burn him at the stake? Like, immediately?
“That’s quite enough of that,” Draco said, merely glancing at the steadily increasing wall of comments unfolding on Harry’s screen. His wand slipped into his hand with a mere flick of his wrist, thankfully concealed from the camera by Harry’s bulky jumper. “Finite.”
Harry’s lips found Draco’s as they were plunged into darkness.