Chapter Text
“I just wanna be happier”
‘He’s here. He’s beautiful. He’s perfect.’
‘I need you. We need you.’
‘No pressure but… please wake up.’
‘Please… please, I’ll do anything.’
‘I will always love you. Even if you don’t remember me. I hope you know how much I love you.’
Tears.
The tears always followed that memory. It was the last things that came to Seokjin’s mind before he drifted off every night and it was the first thing in his head when he woke up every morning. To make matters worse, he had no idea where he had heard the words, no idea who had spoken them. Maybe he had only imagined them. Then again, with his history, imagined was just as likely as dreamed.
So basically, he went to sleep and woke up to tears every day… along with the random times the memory visited him in his waking moments of the day.
Dragon eyes so sharp yet so gentle.
Full, plush lips that smiled readily and dimpled cheeks formed.
A lively burst of laughter, warmth in his heart.
The scent of fresh marshmallows, cinnamon and campfires.
For the life of him, he could not recall what the dimple owner’s voice sounded like. A fair price to pay for breaking the owner’s heart. He had no idea how he had broken that heart but he was sure it was broken. There was no mending it. Not without him finding the man.
A knock sounded at the door just as he wiped away the remainder of the tears. The knocker decided to open the door before Seokjin could invite them in.
Taehyung’s face appeared through the opening of the door and the smile that lived there faded as he took in the sight of his brother removing evidence of his crying.
Seokjin swiftly dried his tears the plastered a wide smile that did not touch his eyes, “Tae-yah, hey. What’s up?” He hated how his voice but refused to say anything about it.
Taehyung decided not to mention the crying that had clearly just took place. The last few times he had asked about it, his hyung had shut down and not spoken for an entire day. Instead, he put his smile back on, “Hyung, Eomma says come down to breakfast.”
Seokjin noted that Taehyung did not deliver the message and leave, he lingered in the doorway, waiting for a response; a sign that he was getting up to come to breakfast… anything, Taehyung would take any sign. Well-founded were Taehyung and Eomma’s concerns. Seokjin had not gotten out of bed the previous day and had certainly not eaten anything.
He nodded at his dongsaeng wordlessly. Taehyung still did not leave. Eomma;s call to breakfast must not be a request after all. Seokjin decided to rise from the bed, joints creaking from disuse as he moved.
“I'm gonna hop in the shower real quick.” He mumbled.
In later times, he would not admit that he spent majority of the shower crying again but based on Taehyung’s face – who was still waiting for him in the room – he was not doing a great job of covering it up.
“Really? You're going to stand there?” Seokjin deadpanned and the younger boy at least had the decency to flash the shame in his eyes.
“I'm sorry.” His lip wobbled, “It’s just that after that time…” words failed him and he dropped his head, “I'm sorry. I'm just worried.”
Again, well-founded. It had been more than three months but the memory was fresh in his younger brother’s head. The cuts had healed but the scars that remained would stay forever, like a thumbprint.
Seokjin dropped the subject and instead allowed himself to dry his hair and dress under supervision. It helped that Taehyung blended himself into the background and said nothing throughout the dressing. When Seokjin showed that he was done, both brothers wordlessly exited the bedroom and went downstairs.
Eomma’s fabric softener hands cupped Seokjin’s cheeks and a kiss to his head followed. “I made kimchi jeon and nangmyeon. Come sit.”
He noticed Eomma planting a kiss on Taehyung’s hair when the younger boy took his seat.
They ate in silence but Seokjin saw his eomma’s eyes glisten with unshed tears and the smile that formed each time Seokjin brought a mouthful of food into his mouth.
“I need new strings for my violin.” Taehyung piped up around a mouthful of pajeon. “I have to go get them today.”
“Oh, please get some beef sirloin and red peppers while you're at the mall.” Eomma said in response, “I'm thinking of making bulgogi tonight.”
Taehyung’s eyes widened. “Hyung, please come with me.” He engaged the full puppy-dog look as he turned to Seokjin, “I never know which strings to buy. I had to return them last time because I got the wrong ones.”
Seokjin blinked once. Twice. “The people at the shop will know. They also have labels on them.”
Taehyung switched from puppy eyes to helpless baby. “Okay, but I don’t know what sirloin is.”
Again, Seokjin relented, “The butcher will know if you ask him. Actually, if you tell you want it for bulgogi, he will know exactly what you need.”
Time to up the game, Taehuyng brought sweater paws to his face, “I'm shy. I’ll be scared to ask him.”
That raised suspicion, in their world a few things were known to be true by everyone and one of them was that Betas were not shy, not by a long shot. They were social butterflies who populated the entertainment and service industry. Taehyung did not know what shy look like, did not even know how to act shy based on the posture he took as he tried – and succeeded – to look adorable. Seokjin let out an exasperated sigh, he knew a hopeless battle when he saw one. Taehyung and Eomma would get him out of the house if it killed all three of them. “Fine. I’ll come with you.” He leaned forward, “Just a note that I do know what you’re both up to.”
Taehyung might have taken more after their father but he shared their mother’s soft, innocent look whenever he needed it. Right now, two sets of innocent eyes watched Seokjin, “No, no idea what you’re talking about, right Eomma?”
“Nope, no idea here. Just your brother asking for your help.” Eomma mirrored Taehyung’s tone.
Seokjin narrowed his eyes and went back to his meal.
~
“No, Tae-yah, those are guitar strings.” Seokjin said for what felt like the hundredth time.
A sheepish smile was Taehyung’s only response as he put the packet back on the shelf. The first shop they had gone to did not have violin strings in stock and the current one was so big that Taehyung kept getting distracted by other items he wanted to try out. Between walking through the door and finding the correct aisle, he had considered changing his chosen instrument to a saxophone or a piano.
“Here.” Seokjin handed his brother the right packet, “How many do you need?”
Taehyung scratched the back of his head, “I'm going to say three. I'm still breaking them like a noob. My instructor had just about had it with me.”
Seokjin almost offered to help him. In another life he would have helped. He was trained in the violin and piano and had a licence to teach both but that was not an option. He was far too rusty and playing music – any music – still hurt too much. He had no idea why but it yanked violently at hid heart whenever he touched a piano. His therapist had suggested he try and go back to playing, a way to build up and regain muscle memory but he got as far as one flat D note before he spiralled into uncontrollable sobs. The car accident had damaged much more than his brain it seemed. The feeling of an raw, open hole in his chest was felt every waking moment. From the time he realised his memory was missing, he was sure something more was gone. Perhaps cut out with a blunt knife and left jagged edges the stung to the touch.
“Maybe you should buy just one?” he jibed, “That way you have an excuse to get me out of the house next week.
Taehyung did not respond. Instead he fiddled with the plastic wrapper, crinkling it a few times then dropped his head on Seokjin’s shoulder, an unspoken request for a hug, “Hyung,” he breathed, “Is it bad these days? Is it bad again?” when Seokjin did not answer, he stepped back to meet his eyes, “You can tell me. or… or tell Eomma. We would never judge you. We would just be there for you. Whatever you need.”
For a moment it seemed like Seokjin was going to speak, say all that weighed on his soul, all that he felt he could not tell to his therapist but in the end, he reached out and ruffled Taehyung’s hair, “I forget sometimes that being around you makes it better. I shut you and Eomma out more than I should. It’s not so bad anymore.”
A few moments later, Taehyung perked up, “Good! Let’s go get some ice cream before the supermarket.” His smiled was incandescent, “I haven’t had ice cream in ages.”
“Lies!” Seokjin hissed.