Chapter Text
It was so fucking dumb.
Jesus had only met the hedgehog once, but he couldn’t stop thinking about him.
He couldn't stop thinking of his emerald green eyes, which sparkled as if they contained all the jewels in the world. Or of his silky smooth fur, the color reminding him of an endless blue sea, of which he would gladly float in for the end of his days. How his ears twitched whenever he heard a far-off sound, or his incessant love for chili dogs.
He was in love, and he knew it.
When he first saw him Jesus had been working at the desk when the hedgehog came in with an orange fox. Jesus was so enamored with his future crush he nearly didn't notice the foxes extra tail. The pair only ordered a chocolate croissant to go, but Jesus was so entranced he almost missed their order. The whole experience wasn’t eventful, but it stuck with him.
Thoughts of the hedgehog would continue to follow him, even to his café job, the same place he first saw the bluenette.
Jesus sighed and shook his head, trying to clear away the thoughts that had distracted his mind.
He was at work goddamnit! He has a job to do!
He looked up, hearing the bell ring to signal someone entering.
His eyes locked with a familiar emerald green.
Notes:
Part two if this video gets 100 likes (two kudos(maybe(depends)))
(Please help im posting this at 1:00am after reading copious amounts of transformers fanfic)
Chapter 2: I will tell the player a story, (but not the truth)
Summary:
The boys get ta see a bit of Sonic pov ykyk
(End Poem chapter titles go brrrrRRRR-)
Notes:
Why did yall give me 8 kudos. GUYS THATS 4X2 I ONLY NEEDED 2. NOW I HAVE TO POST CHAPTER 2
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Sonic knew he was done for when he first saw the brown-haired barista. He and Tails had originally just gone to check out the place, as neither of them had even been there. When he first laid eyes on the tall brunette he felt his heart sputter.
Tails had asked him what was wrong after they left the café, questioning why he turned so red while ordering. Of course Sonic couldn't just tell Tails that he was down bad for some random barista, he’d never let Sonic live it down.
But Sonic also could lie to him, Tails was like - brother to him!
“Its nothing Tails, I think its just the heat getting to me.”
Huh. I guess he could just lie to him.
“You’re hot,” Tails deadpanned, “In the middle of October,”
“…Yes”
“Sonic its 11 degrees celsius outside,”
“Um…”
“62 degrees American,”
“Oh, uh,”
“Sonic,” Tails stopped walking, turning his body to face Sonic, “Did you think that barista was cute?”
Oh no, he's been found out. There was no way he'd be able to hide anything from Tails, why even try at this point?
“Yup… Was I really that obvious?”
“Sonic, I want you to look me dead in the eyes and ask that again,”
“…So im taking that as a “Yes” then,”
“Painfully so. On the bright side, I earned 5000 pesos!”
“How exactly did you earn that money, Tails?” Sonic gave the fox a suspicious look.
“I really didnt do much, just made a bet with Rouge regarding your sexuality.” He gave a sly smile, not breaking sly fox stereotypes in the slightest. “It appears I’ve won.”
“Tails did you bet money on my gayness.”
“… Well when you put it like that-”
“TAILS WHAT-”
Notes:
Next chapter at 15 kudos (please dont)
Chapter 3: The naked truth that can burn over any distance and
Summary:
HAPPY 9/11 YALL✨✨✨🦅🦅🦅🦅🎉🇺🇸🎉🔫🔫🇺🇸🇺🇸✈️🛩️🏙️🏚️💥💥
(Idk I just wanted to post smt on 9/11)
Notes:
Imma be honest I forgot what happens in this chapter
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“John, I have a problem.”
John turned and smirked at him from his place on Jesus’ lime green couch. “Is said problem a 5’11 navy blue hedgehog?”
“Its more of a cobalt blue- wait no, hes 5’11? WAIT NO HOW DID YOU KNOW?????!??”
“Lets just say a little birde told me, or more specifically a bat.”
“What?” Jesus was confused at that, but he had bigger questions to ask than John's choice of friends. “Who else knows about this? Hell, how do you know about this? It's only been a few days since I first saw him, and I never even said anything!”
John shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know what to tell you, man. World travels fast when it’s regarding our resident messiah.”
“You save one spider from death and suddenly you're the “Savior of all Arachnids”, Jesus huffs in exasperation, “Anyway, you still didn’t really answer my other question, who knows?”
John waves his hand, feigning disinterest. “Oh you know, not too many people. Just all of the Apostles,”
“JOHN, WHAT THE HECK??!?”
“This ones not my fault I swear!”
“You always say that!”
I know, I know, but I'm being serious this time, swear on my life!”
“Yeah, sure,” Jesus scowls at John's works. “So, how do you explain their sudden knowledge then?”
“Um… no comment?”
“That's what I thought.”
Jesus had to think for a second. While it wasn’t preferable that the rest of his friends knew about his little crush, much less about him being gay, they don’t seem to care. Even though he’ll most likely be called a submissive omega for liking a hedgehog, he knew they would support him were anything to happen. Hmmm… there's no real risk other than shame, might as well go with it.
“Sigh, it's fine I guess. Just,- tell me you know next time okay?”
John gave a sigh of relief before agreeing. “Yeah, of course, sure bud.”
“Great, thanks.”
They sat in awkward silence for moments after.
…
“Hey, Jesus?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you say “Sigh”? Like, outloud?”
“Um… Yes?”
“... Why though,”
“Why not?”
“Fair.”
Notes:
Dang bro that's crazy frfr (what happened???)
Chapter 4: I WISH THAT WE COULD LOSEEE THIS CROWD
Summary:
Oh no I’m back sort of.
I don’t remember what the summary for the other chapters were cuz its been 50+ days💀
(Btw i need to say this in the tags but the sonic characters still have their speed and strength boosts👍)
Notes:
The title is from Careless Whisper, of which i know a concerning amount of lyrics 😔
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Their second meeting was… awkward at best. With both sides trying their best to not embarrass themselves in front of their crush. One might think that their mutual attraction would only improve their conversations, but, due to both parties' incompetence, it failed spectacularly.
It all started on a Thursday morning. Jesus was out taking a walk around Green Hills, an action suggested by Simon, who claimed he “Needs to stop bein’ a huge simp,” and “Go outside already, I can practically taste how head over heels you are.”
Needless to say, he was kicked out of their shared apartment for the day.
Since he had work off that day, (something to do with a rabid green woodpecker and explosives????) he couldn't do much but wander around town. And what better place to aimlessly roam than the Green Hills park?
That's how he ended up, minutes later, staring down the giant green loop.
Why in the hell did they have a giant green loop-de-loop. Who would even use it? And even if some could use it, why would they. Jesus shuddered at the thought of falling from the top of that thing. Ouch.
Out of nowhere, Jesus heard the faint sound of soft thumping against the ground. What in the world was that? Jesus looked around, not seeing anything unusual even as the sound grew louder and louder. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind following a blue blur knocked him off balance.
‘Dammit’ Jesus thought as he stumbled and began to topple over, ‘I sure hope this doesn’t mess up my pants, I just bought them from SHEIN too…’
He watched as the ground got closer and closer, time seemingly slowing down. Right as he was about to slam into the hard sidewalk concrete, he felt two strong arms circle around his waist, preventing him from falling. Jesus had his eyes squeezed shut in a futile attempt to avoid seeing himself get hurt, but now that he was freed from this danger, he turned his head to thank his savior and opened his eyes.
It was the sight of soft indigo blue quills that graced his vision.
Notes:
To that one reader, im so sorry i forgot to post this last night 😭😭
Also pls check out my other works they arent as unhinged and theyre better written 👍👍👍
Chapter 5: Speedrunning getting a date
Summary:
Hi guys and welcome to my YouTube video, today we’re gonna learn how to get a date-
Notes:
I didn’t actually read any of this so if theres a mistake no there isnt🤩
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
‘Am I dreaming?’ Jesus thought, being held up by the hedgehog of his dreams. ‘Because there is no way I'm practically being carried by this man.’
Sonic looked sheepishly down at him, lifting him slightly off the ground then placing Jesus back on his own two feet. “Sorry about that,” the hedgehog said, “I didn't mean to knock you over.” Jesus noticed a red hue to Sonic's cheeks.
Wait, did Sonic just apologize for knocking Jesus over?
“It was you that made that huge gust of wind?” Jesus exclaimed in surprise. “Wow! I… didn't know you could go that fast.”
“Yeah, I didn’t expect anyone to be over here though. Otherwise I definitely would have slowed down.” Sonic rubs the back of his neck, looking anywhere but Jesus’ eyes.
“Anyways, uh,” the bluenett started, “Fancy seeing you here, I don’t think we’ve really met. Outside of your workplace, I mean.”
“I guess not, my name’s Jesus.”
“Well it's a pleasure to meet you Jesus. The name’s Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog.” The quilled man graped Jesus’ hand and brought it to his lips. “Though, I suppose you already knew that.” He smirked, staring at him with dark eyes.
Jesus felt his face flush and he prayed he didn't look like a tomato. What was Sonic doing?? Practically kissing his hand, staring at him like this??? Could he be… flirting? At first glance it seems obvious but who knows, maybe this is just some weird hedgehog introduction. Yes, that has to be it.
“So, mister Jesus,” Jesus looked up at Sonic when he heard his name.
“Uh… yeah?”
“How would you feel about going to dinner sometime?”
…Eh?
Now he's sure this is all just a dream. Sonic, a blue quilled hunk of a hedgehog, asking Jesus of all people out to dinner?? No amount of self-gaslighting can convince Jesus that this wasn’t blatant flirting.
“Um, is that… a no then?”
Ah crap! He'd been taking too long to answer, Sonics gonna think he doesn't want to go at this rate.
“NO- I mean yes, I, uh- I do want to go get dinner with you sometimes.” Jesus’ free hand fiddled with his cross necklace, the other still being held up to Sonic’s face.
The hedgehog's previously fading smile returned full-force. “Great! Then it's a date! Is tomorrow at 6 good? I can pick you up?”
“Yeah, 6 is good,” Jesus responded, dazed, “My address is 3700 Southwest Freeway.”
“Perfect! Well then I'll see you tomorrow, take care, love.” Sonic winked at him and disappeared with a blue blur and a gust of wind.
…
Did… Did Jesus just score a date? With Sonic of all people? And it was Sonic who asked him out? He needs to sit down in order to process all this… Wait a minute, SONIC CALLED HIM WHAT???
Jesus’ face felt like the sun, with an impossibly bright shade of red to match.
“Oh god,” he said out loud, “I don't have anything to wear.”
Jesus couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.
Notes:
I wrote this in like 30 minutes because I didn't want to practice piano 💀💀
But its 500 words which is double the length of some other chapters 💪💪
Also also I might change the title and I need a name, SOS 😰
Chapter 6: Alcoholism
Summary:
Oopsie my bad I didnt update my crack fic. In my defense tho I have finals😔😔. Also I wrote this on the verge of falling asleep so mb
Chapter Text
Unlike Jesus, Simon knew exactly whether he should laugh or cry, as he had been pointing and laughing at him for several minutes straight. It wasn't even that funny, yet the wheezing laughter failed to stop.
“HAHAHHA, WAIT- WAIT, SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU SCORED A DATE WITH A HEDGEHOG MAN-”
If looks could kill Simon would have been dead several times over.
“-COMPLETELY ON ACCIDENT?”
“Yes-” Jesus could feel his teeth grinding together- “That's what i've been saying for the past 15 minutes.”
“Ok, ok, heheh. My bad man.” Simon, the infuriating jerk, waved him off like he hadn't been doing the equivalent of cyber bullying him in real life.
“But Jes, seriously, I know ive been dogging you about this for an appropriate amount of time-” that comment earned him a pillow to the head- “but if you don’t want to go out with this guy just say something.”
Jesus let out a groan of annoyance. “No, it's not that, I just—ugh, I don’t know.”
Simon grabbed a bottle off of the circular table between them. “Now you listen here and listen well, I'm not gonna go and pretend I know what you're going through with this—‘cause I don't—but the best I can say is if you like him go. Even if he ends up not being the fairytale prince you want him to, who cares? From what you've told me he seems fine, if a bit quick to rush into things. The worst that could happen is he ditches you. If he's a creep then we got your back, just go for it man.”
Jesus just stared at him in shock, that was probably the most intelligent thing that he had heard come out of Simon’s mouth. This is, after all, the same guy who was given the title “Simon the Zealot” due to his love for all things wine. The very guy who seemed to put all his intelligent thoughts into figuring how long a bottle was aged for. The guy who bribed smarter students with cheap Chardonnay in order to pass half his high school classes. You can imagine why Jesus looked like his world was crumbling around him.
“Hah, dude, look at your face. I didn't even say anything too crazy.” His smirk wavered slightly when he saw that even that didn’t wake Jesus from his daze.
“Fine man, let's agree to never speak of that again if you ace that date.”
Apparently Jesus understood enough to shake Simon's hand in agreement. Although he did stumble out of the apartment, a look of dulled disbelief still plastered to his face.
Notes:
If anyone came here to yell at me about my other fic then Im srry bro😭😭😭 That motivation left with my will to study for finals. (dw tho I still aced them probably💪💪)
Ill try to get to doing that soon🥺🥺🥺🥺
Chapter 7: Uhhhh liek idk
Summary:
This 3 month comeback is crazy right guys
Also what happened last chapter????? I dont remember us being here 😭
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Crap.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crapppp.
Ughhhhhhh.
What was Sonic thinking.
First he practically ran over Jesus, THE Jesus, like the hot one who he's been thirsting after since the moment they met. Then Sonic had the audacity to catch the poor man. (Sonic's hands actually touched Jesus’ waist, the disrespect.) And then, if it couldn’t get any worse, he asked him out on a DATE.
WHAT WAS HE THINKING???!?
But really, who could blame him when a hot brunette was staring at him like that. Jesus looked amazed at Sonic's speed, which did not help the hedgehog’s already mildly inflated ego.
Just seeing the glimmer of surprise in Jesus’ beautiful deep eyes almost made Sonic want to down a bottle of wine and eat a metric ton of flat circular bread… for some reason.
But really he was getting off topic, his real problem would be what to wear.
…Crap.
What was he gonna wearrrrrrrr?
Ughhhhh, Sonic wasn't made for dressing up, he just looked good all the time naturally. Not to brag or anything, but Sonic starred in several movies and TV shows. Hell, he even voiced the main character in a wildly popular game series.
The only times he really ever dressed was at important events. Funerals, marriages, his mom coming back to rule their kingdom, things like that.
But dressing up for just one person? Not really his style. Although, he did do it once.
He dressed up on his first date with his enemies-to-lovers pair, Shadow the Hedgehog, but, seeing as there were no blue ultimate lifeform children, that clearly didn't work out.
He didn't dislike his ex per say, its just the guy sometimes looked like the personification of smallpox. That is, beating the crap out of Victorian children.
Wait, crap, he got off track. Right, yes, what is he wearing on his date with Jesus.
Well he's Jesus, right? What else is he gonna wear other than the finest of clothes?
He has to look perfect for his, hopefully, future husband.
…Ooo, according to the internet Roman fashion is back in style, maybe he should wear that on the date? Hmmmm, well there doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with wearing something Roman. What's the worst that could happen?
Notes:
So yk how in my last note I said id be working on my other stuff? Yeah that didnt happend yet lol. Imma try to do it after this tho 😋 (im lying im gonna write my other crackfic probably)
Also mb I was reading fanfic and playing Roblox💀
Chapter 8: Dress up!!
Summary:
WHAT DO YOU LEAN ITS BEEN A YEAR SINCE I UPDATED 😨😨
Notes:
Happy Thankgiving :D !!! I was gonna say be thankful i havent been neglecting you but i clearly have lmao.
Remember to thank your favorite authors, you wouldnt have your favorite fics without them <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Jesus looked stunning. Probably.
Ok, fine, he didn’t know. And he was never quite sure if his friends were trolling him when he asked.
But Moses said he looked nice! He could trust Moses! Sure, he said it with his head ducked and shoulders shaking, but he said the tears were from how nice he looked!
Judas insisted he wear this “bold” maroon hoodie. That it would “really bring out his eyes” or something. Then Moses said he would look even better with some jean shorts. Saying they would “really bring out something else” before Judas smacked him over the head with a fashion magazine.
He ended up wearing the shorts. And the hoodie. And some black Uggs just to tie the look together or something, he was no clothes expert. He was gonna take whatever Judas mattered about Wattpad—whatever that was—as a complement.
Each second felt like agony when Jesus was so giddy waiting. He stared intently as the long hand of his Limited Edition Hello Kitty watch neared a glittering 6 in looped font. The time Sonic was supposed to pick him up. He couldn't wait to see Sonic, no doubt the hedgehog would look absolutely perfect.
—
Sonic is going to beat up Tails.
That's kinda unfair. It wasn't Tails’ idea to have him wear a (frankly lovely) red chiton. But then again, Tails didn't say not to wear it.
And how was Sonic supposed to know that the Romans executed Jesus’ grandpa?! Sure maybe it was a very very famous execution (with a few more verys), but he couldn't have possibly known his Jesus was related to that Jesus. Pause. His Jesus? Sonic barely knew the man, not that he would like to, when did he start calling him his??
—WAIT, NOT THE POINT. He glanced at the analog clock on the wall. Fuck, it was already…uh. The long hand was already past 11! Or was it the short hand he should be looking at? Whatever, he could feel it in his bones that he would be late if he tried to change, even if he was the fastest hedgehog alive.
Sonic checked his reflection, pretended to fix his hair, and took a deep breath before flashing his best smile and bolting out the door.
The air felt good on his face, but the journey was short. Probably for the best, he thought as he smoothed down his windblown quills.
In front of him was a huge building, all tall black tinted windows and sleek tan outer walls. A name in large white letters sat high up on the structure.
Now, Sonic knows he's not the brightest tool in the cookie jar, but he knows a house when he sees one. And that building was not a house. Like, at all. No house looks like that. Plus, the occasional person walking in or out, while not much, was still way too many people for any home. Not that Sonic means to judge if this is actually someone's house…
Maybe he got Jesus’ address wrong? No way, Sonic double checked so many times he practically had it memorized: 3700 Southwest Freeway.
If that's not it, did Jesus get his own address wrong? Nah, what are the chances. Besides, the brunette had sounded awful sure when he said it.
…Maybe he gave him the wrong address on purpose? Oh god, was Sonic too forward? Did he scare off the hottest guy he'd ever met by being overly romantic too soon? What if—
Before Sonic could spiral any further, his gaze locked onto a pair of golden brown eyes that he could get lost in. It was Jesus.
He was actually here. In the flesh. Not even some weird zombie thing or anything, perfectly alive.
Sonic's breath caught in his throat as he caught sight of what the other man was wearing. A hoodie covered Jesus, sleeves just oversized enough to creep past his palms, and in a color that matched Sonic's chiton. Sinfully short jean shorts creeped up his waist, doing their best to emphasize Jesus’ long legs—and succeeding, Sonic thought. Black Uggs were snug against the brunette's feet and made a muffled pat on the sidewalk as he approached.
Notes:
I actually had so much fun writing this that i didnt finish the chapters for my other fics i need to update today. Ill have to lock in so my readers (and friends) dont hate me more 🙏🐊