Chapter Text
Zira Fell had been single for all of what felt like a century but was in point of fact only a few years. Much had changed for Zira since her last relationship, for one thing, she had discovered, rather late in life she was embarrassed to admit that the reason her attempted excursions with men had been in a word disastrous was because she was in fact a lesbian. Not that she had specifically known what to do with this information. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately as the case may be, her dearest friend Anathema had been quick to take Zira under her wing in the hopes of helping the otherwise shy and somewhat awkward late bloomer enjoy herself. This had started with making Zira a profile on a lesbian dating app. “That’s where I met my Newt, and look at us now, three years strong,” she said with a grin. Newt was as awkward as Zira herself was, and the only reason they had survived at all was because Anathema was frankly everything Zira wished that she was. Confident, self-assured, and rather kick ass. She was the sort of femme that seemed to have it all together. It had been watching Anathema and Newt’s relationship unfold that had made Zira realize what she had been missing the whole time. How had it never occurred to her? She wondered.
“I don’t know Nath,” she had said at the time. “Dating apps aren’t really my scene.”
“I don’t think it’s really anybody’s scene,” Newt chimed in helpfully, pushing their glasses up their nose. “Certainly wasn’t mine. Frankly, if my buddy hadn’t signed me up I don’t think I would have met Nath at all.” Newt always managed to look at Anathema like she had just set the moon in their eyes and Zira knew that she wanted that herself. She wanted some handsome butch to look at her like she’d set the moon and the stars and perhaps the sun too if she could manage it.
“Not as if some butch is gonna fall out of the sky Zira.” No, no they likely wouldn’t, and wasn’t that a shame, Zira thought to herself.
That had been six months ago, and Zira had had little luck. Apparently, even with Anathema's best efforts to make Zira look and sound more appealing than she was, the truth of a thirty-something, plump (Anathema's attempt at softening the blow-- not like Zira wasn't constantly reminded of her weight by anyone and everyone), bookseller clearly didn’t hold the appeal that someone like Anathema would have. Anathema was gorgeous, Zira had always thought so. It didn’t hurt that she had that witchy vibe that seemed to attract everyone to her like a moth to a flame. Newt included, though they had rather been terrified of having to make the first move.
Zira sighed staring at the app, more like glaring at it, more accurately, for the umpteenth time that day, willing someone new to somehow appear on their screen, then locked her phone and put it away in her pocket deciding to give it up as a bad job. There was nothing for it. Butches were hard enough to come by, and if working in SoHo wasn’t enough to find one in the wild, Zira was pretty sure she’d be single forever. And just in time for the holidays.
It was getting late, and frankly, she was tired, she had been tasked by her eldest brother and defacto manager, Gabe to close for the night and the fact that it was roughly fifteen minutes to closing and the store was completely empty was enough of a temptation to make her actually consider closing up early. Zira was, despite herself, nothing if not a model employee. She did not take a longer break than she was allotted, she did her work and then some, and she did not close up the shop early. Anyway, it gave her time to dive back into the book she’d been reading, a cute little lesbian romance "Leather and Lace" that had caught her eye while she was taking stock one evening. It was a short read, but it made her feel impossibly cheerful, if a little forlorn. She didn’t suppose she’d ever find such a creature as the handsome butch in her story.
And then, quite unexpectedly, a little tinkle of the bells above the bookshop’s door sounded. Zira barely spared a glance up from her book as the newcomer entered.
“Welcome to A.Z. Fell and Company,” Zira said in her usual standard greeting, though she hadn’t bothered to look up from her book.
She could sense someone was approaching, though they hadn’t said anything, and despite herself Zira was curious, she raised a prim eyebrow above the book she was reading, then eyed the newcomer and nearly fell out of her chair. Whatever she had expected, the very handsome and rather tall redheaded butch standing before her, wearing head-to-toe black, was not it. Zira swallowed as they smiled at her. Zira didn't know where to look first, at their impossibly charming smile, or the dark glasses in the middle of the night they were wearing that gave them an air of mystery, or at the black leather jacket, with the arms rolled up to the elbows. Zira swallowed despite herself.
“Sorry for barging in so late,” they said.
“No, no,” Zira hurriedly put her book down rather wishing she'd had time to check her hair and make sure she looked somewhat presentable. “How can I help?” She asked.
They smiled at her, a warm smile that rather sent goosebumps down Zira’s spine. “I’m… ah… looking for a book.”
“Well you’ve come to the right place,” Zira said trying for lighthearted but feeling like she sounded rather anxious.
“I see that,” there was a twinkle in their eyes that made Zira’s breath catch. “I’m Crowley by the way. Toni, but I prefer Crowley.”
“Zira,” she said holding out her hand.
“Zira, that’s rather unique… is it short for anything?” Crowley asked.
“Promise you won’t laugh?”
Crowley raised an eyebrow and, Zira sighed, “It’s Aziraphale. My parents were a bit big on the Bible. I suppose I got off lucky, my sister’s named Michael. All of us were named after various angels.” Crowley did their best not to chuckle at that admission. “Aziraphale is at least somewhat obscure enough to seem gender-neutral. But I go by Zira to save myself the trouble. She goes by Mic, we learned to live with it.”
Crowley merely smiled. “I’m no stranger to not caring for my name either. Antonia was my great grandmother or something, felt a bit too ah, fem for me,” they said with a smirk. “Even Toni feels a bit too much, hence the Crowley.”
“It suits you,” Zira said, then blushed at herself, feeling rather silly. Crowley smiled. “You said you were looking for a book?” Zira added changing the subject quickly.
“Oh, shit, right I almost forgot,” Crowley said with a laugh. “The whole reason I came here. My mum Lucielle has instructed me she had a book held for me or something. Should be under Lucielle Crowley, L-U-C-I-E-L-L-E… or perhaps Lucifer if you can’t find her otherwise.”
Zira chuckled despite herself typing in the name.
“I adore my mother don’t get me wrong but she’s a bit of a pain in the arse sometimes. I can only imagine the sort of book—”
“Dating for Dummies,” Zira said reading off the title.
“Well that’s embarrassing,” Crowley said, face flaming as red as their hair.
“Sorry,” Zira replied.
“I guess I should be grateful she didn’t ask for the Lesbian Karma Sutra or something.”
“No that’s on here too,” Zira said, pointing to the screen
Crowley’s eyes widened at that, “It bloody well isn’t!”
Zira could barely contain her laughter behind her hand then. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.” Crowley’s face had flamed even harder at that, and Zira couldn’t help but smile despite herself.
“You’re as bad as she is. You’d get along swimmingly I’m sure… actually, I have an idea. I mean I’d hate for her to think that perhaps her less-than-subtle jabs worked, but maybe if I brought someone home for the holidays she might get off my arse.”
Zira was still smirking, “That sounds reasonable.”
“Good, then it’s settled. You can be my plus one.”
“What?” Zira asked, her voice louder than she’d intended. Crowley grinned.
“Not so nice to be on the other side of it is it?”
Zira huffed. “I suppose not. Thought that was a bit low.”
“I’m sorry, I mean honestly I am rather in need of a plus one for the holidays. I’d like to get mum off my back. I don’t suppose you’d like to be my pretend date?”
Zira eyed them. “And what makes you so sure I don’t already have a girlfriend?”
“Oh bugger, do you? I’m sorry, that was rather presumptuous of me wasn’t it?”
Zira chuckled behind her hand again. “I’m sorry I couldn’t resist. I am single. Painfully so. I usually spend the holidays with my siblings but frankly, I’d much rather go on whatever adventure you’re scheming at.”
“Oh good,” Crowley beamed. “My parents' house is up in Mayfair so I can pick you up if you like.”
“Mayfair that’s rather posh.”
“Mum was an MP like a billion years ago. It’s fine.”
Zira’s eyes went wide at that. “You’re kidding.”
“Nope, that one is in fact not a joke. Mum was an MP, dad was… just a D… and now he’s dead so…”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“Don’t be,” Crowley said easily. “Right, so… I suppose we should have like a proper… dinner or something to hammer out the details. Can’t have you pretending to be my girlfriend without knowing a thing about me. How about I take you to dinner tomorrow night? What do you fancy?”
Zira swallowed at that. It had all happened so quickly that she was almost struggling to remind herself that it was all meant to be a fake thing. “Um… sure. Do you like sushi? There’s a fantastic restaurant up the road.”
“I’m sure whatever you like will be grand, angel,” Crowley said with a genuine smile, they wrote down their number on a piece of paper and slid it over to Zira. “Text me, and we’ll figure out the details for dinner tomorrow. Yeah?” Zira nodded nervously as Crowley turned on their heel and left the bookshop, leaving Zira rather dazed and confused.