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It's been a weird day.
And that's saying something, because literally every single day since they all got abducted by mind flayers has been a weird one.
But this one started with walking in on the very active sex life of a bugbear and an ogre on the outskirts of a rundown blighted village, a fight Tav tried hard to avoid because he felt somewhat sympathetic to the plight of attempting to find some place to fuck in private in Faerun. As far as he's aware, such a place doesn't exist—case in point, Gale blasting the doors off Grukkoh and Buthir's barn because he was concerned about the noises coming from within.
Things get weirder when Lae'zel jumps down a well because she swears she heard something coming from below (mostly because Gale insists he doesn't hear anything, and Lae'zel lives to prove him wrong), and then they all wind up in the den of what seems like an endless onslaught of phase spiders. That's not the weird part, though (and Tav has to question what his life has come to when that encounter seems relatively normal).
The weirder part comes when Astarion, in an attempt to help Gale up after a clutch of tiny little spiderlings ambush him (Lae'zel will not let Gale live this down), steps on a spiderweb suspended over a very mysterious looking chasm and… falls right through. Tav has his hundredth heart attack of the day, Lae'zel hauls Gale to his feet and says, "T'chah, the vampire will be fine," and Gale casts feather fall on the three of them so they can jump down the hole after him.
Astarion is fine, having cast feather fall on himself on his way down. He seems no worse for wear, and frankly delighted when Gale needles Tav for his worry.
"Did you think I'd just let myself be dashed to pieces upon the rocks below?" he asks Tav.
Tav, sheepishly, admits, "I forgot you knew the spell."
"Darling," Astarion drawls, "I'm a vampire lord's harlot and a cat burglar. In what world wouldn't I know how to escape second story windows safely?"
Anyway—that's how they wind up finding the Underdark.
There's some questionable business with a pair of minotaurs and a run-in with a Myconid sovereign that goes better than expected (nobody dying being 'better than expected' these days), and then they set about making camp near the colony. Tav is about ready for bed by that point, but Wyll wants to scout the area just in case, and because it would be irresponsible not to do so, Tav agrees. Gale comes along because he finds the Underdark fascinating and Astarion comes along because he finds camp boring.
The next weird thing happens when they find a magical glowing sword literally embedded in a rock up one of the steep winding paths the Underdark is comprised of.
"We don't need it," Tav says sternly when all three of his companions look at him expectantly. "We have enough gear to lug around as it is, and it's probably cursed."
"But it's glowing," Gale says.
"Did you not hear what I said about the curse?"
"Could be powerful," Wyll adds.
"Curse!"
"You'd look so dashing waving that around," Astarion chimes in.
So Tav sighs and goes to pull the sword out of the fucking stone.
Two minutes of huffing and puffing later, he is regretting all his life choices.
"That is…" He wipes his sweating brow on his sleeve. "Really stuck in! Gods."
"Maybe if you wiggle it a bit…?" Wyll suggests.
"Why don't you try?" Tav asks.
"You're stronger than any of us," Wyll points out.
"Look," Tav says reasonably, "why don't we head back to camp? We can see if any of the girls or Halsin know something about it, and come back tomorrow with a plan."
Wyll frowns. "I thought it might be kind of nice… to surprise Karlach with it. You know? After everything she's been through…"
Tav sighs. "That's very thoughtful, Wyll, but it's not budging."
"Oh, come on," Astarion needles. "Give it another go! Think how happy the tiefling will be."
"Since when do you care about other people's happiness?" Tav asks.
Astarion shrugs. "I don't. But you do, and I care about how your arms look as you're trying to wrestle that thing out of that rock."
"For gods' sakes, Astarion—"
"No, no," Wyll says, "he's got a point."
"They're very good biceps," Gale confirms. "Ooh! Idea!"
That's never a good sign.
"What is it," Tav asks warily.
"I've got a potion here that might just be suited to the job!" Gale excitedly rummages through his pack, before procuring the item in question. "Here."
"And this is?" Tav asks.
"Elixir of the Colossus," Gale tells him. "Should give you the strength boost you need!"
Tav wracks his brain but he can't recall having ever heard anything lethal about that particular potion. Moreover, he more or less trusts Gale not to give him actual poison, unwittingly or not.
"Alright, give it here," he says, holding his hand out, and Gale drops the bottle in his palm.
Tav uncorks it and gives it a sniff. Not bad, as far as unfamiliar potions go. Still wondering how they've managed to talk him into this, he puts the bottle to his lips and throws it back.
For a moment, nothing happens.
"What—" Tav starts to say, and then he explodes.
Well, maybe explodes is a strong word, but the suddenness of it does make Gale jump behind Wyll with a yelp, and Astarion twitches in place like a cat preparing its fight or flight response. Tav is so disoriented that he doesn't realize what happened at first. It's only when he manages to look around him that he sees things are… not quite right.
"Gale?"
"Er, yes?"
"I thought you said this was a strength potion," Tav says.
"I said it would make you stronger," Gale corrects him.
"You neglected to mention that it would also make me twice my normal size," Tav says.
He's not exaggerating. The other three now come up to roughly his waist. He's fairly sure he could pick Astarion up with one hand.
Speaking of Astarion, the elf is now giving Tav the most curious look. He looks… oddly affronted, as if Tav has done something to offend him.
"Astarion?" he says.
"What?" Astarion asks. "Don't look at me, shouldn't you try getting that thing out now?"
"Ah, right," Tav says—he had nearly forgotten the sword amidst this new chaos. "Well, hopefully this works…"
This time when he grips the sword, he can feel the shifting of steel against rock. He grits his teeth and pulls with all his might and, as though it's finally been loosened from his efforts, the sword begins to move. With one last yank, it comes free.
They all take a moment to appreciate it.
"Very shiny," Wyll says.
"Definitely magic," Gale adds.
"Not cursed," Astarion observes, sounding disappointed.
"Great," Tav says, and even his own voice sounds too loud, too big. "Let's head back."
*
Karlach and Lae'zel are both very excited about the sword (Karlach more outwardly so), and it does feel pretty worth it to watch them both immediately set to sparring with it, or taking turns testing it out on Lae'zel's very durable practice dummy. None of them seem very surprised to see Tav return with twice his usual amount of mass.
"Let me guess," Halsin says, "Elixir of the Colossus?"
"That's what Gale said," Tav confirms.
"Should wear off by morning," Halsin tells him. "Nothing to be concerned about."
"Good," Tav says, "Or I'd be a liability any time we needed to get somewhere stealthily."
"Don't be so hard on yourself," Shadowheart chimes in comfortingly. "You're already a liability on stealth missions, so I shouldn't think it would matter."
Tav sighs. "Thank you, Shadowheart."
He heads for his tent, only getting waylaid once more by Gale.
"Have you spoken to our fangy little friend since returning?" the wizard asks Tav.
"No, why?"
"No particular reason," Gale says. "He just seemed to be looking a little peaky… might need a snack, if you know what I mean."
"Well," Tav says, "he knows where to find me."
Only, this might not prove to be true he realizes, upon arriving at his tent. Because he's not going to fit in his tent.
"Dammit, Gale," he mutters, and then goes looking for a comfortable enough mushroom to fall asleep on.
The dim, living glow of the Underdark lends itself to strange dreams. Tav can't tell when exactly he passes from waking into sleep but at some point, Astarion is suddenly just there, beside him. Astarion is there, gazing down at him with his eyes as dark as two pools of liquid amber. Astarion is there, touch feather light as he trails his fingers over Tav's arms, his chest, whispering words Tav can't make out, and he never wants Astarion to stop, he never wants to wake up except he could, he could just wake up and go find this elf and—
"Oh? Not asleep after all?"
Tav blinks his eyes open and it's Astarion's face that swims into view. After a few moments of staring at him dumbly, words refusing to come, he mumbles, "Huh?"
"You said my name," Astarion says. "In your sleep…?"
"Oh," Tav says. "I was—I was dreaming."
"Were you?" Astarion asks lightly, but there is something heavier in his gaze. Not dangerous, exactly, but—
"Are you hungry?" Tav asks him.
Astarion blinks down at him. Then he bites his lip and smiles, slow, eyes going heavy lidded—and Tav feels every part of himself stir to waking, at once. "You know, I am."
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"I had some things to take care of," Astarion says breezily.
"What things?"
"You'll see," the vampire tells him. "Relax, love."
And the truly worrisome, wonderful thing is that Tav is relaxed. Here beneath the earth, with the threat of death constantly hanging over his head, and a cagey, centuries old vampire crawling on top of him, he feels strangely at ease.
"I was dreaming about you," he admits, a bit of sleep-rasp, a bit of drowsy arousal finding its way into his voice. "Was it really you here? Touching me?"
Astarion hums. "I didn't want to wake you. You seemed so exhausted earlier."
"I don't mind." Tav runs his hand down Astarion's back, noting how his palm spans nearly the width of Astarion's waist as he pulls him closer. The elixir certainly hasn't worn off just yet. He slides his touch slower still, and Astarion shivers.
"I might have been doing a little… exploring," he informs Tav.
"Find anything interesting?"
"Yes. You see," Astarion says, "you are absolutely massive right now, darling."
Tav chuckles. "Ah… so that's what this is about."
"Of course that's what it's about," Astarion says. "Gods, you're built like an earth elemental normally already, what was that wizard thinking making you even… thicker! It's enough to drive anyone to distraction."
"So I imagine you'd like to take advantage while you have the chance," Tav teases him.
"Take advantage?" Astarion repeats incredulously. "I want to hollow out the entirety of you with my teeth until there's absolutely nothing left. I want to curl up and die inside of your wet, open, ridiculously humongous corpse."
Tav tucks a strand of hair behind one of Astarion's delicately pointed ears. "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."
"I've got plenty more where that came from," Astarion reassures him.
"Well, don't stop there," Tav says, letting his hand drop to Astarion's perfectly pert ass. Astarion practically purrs, nuzzling beneath Tav's chin, against his neck. Tav can feel himself melting, despite (or maybe because of) the feel of sharpened teeth grazing his throat. Not enough pressure to break the skin, only a faint reminder. Astarion already knows he's allowed, and Tav would let him, would welcome it.
"How about this, then?" Astarion murmurs. "That thing I was taking care of earlier? I've opened myself up just for you, my pet."
Tav sucks in a sharp inhale. "You…"
"Oh, yes," Astarion coos. "Gods, the second you took that potion, I couldn't stop thinking about it. You're already very impressive normally, but this…" He licks his lips with relish. "This I had to try for myself."
"Yes," Tav immediately agrees. "Consider me on board."
"Safe to say I did not have many doubts about whether or not you would be," Astarion tells him.
"How do you want me?"
"Like this is perfect," Astarion says. He presses a kiss to Tav's jaw before slinking lower. "You just relax. I'll take care of everything, darling."
It is hardly surprising when Tav's cock springs free already half hard as Astarion slides his trousers down. What is surprising is the enormity of it.
"Hells," Tav wheezes.
"My," Astarion says, "that's positively equine, isn't it?" He's grinning from ear to ear. Tav is less enthused.
"It's not going to fit," he says.
"You let me worry about that," Astarion tells him. "I thought I told you to relax."
"I'm trying," Tav says, "it's just—hhhnn."
It's admittedly much harder to worry about the wellbeing of Astarion's orifices when said vampire is licking a very determined and thorough path up Tav's rapidly swelling cock. When he wraps his deft fingers around the shaft, they don't even reach all the way around, and this makes his eyes gleam in equal parts mischief and delight.
"Oh, I want to choke on you," he says, causing Tav to choke right then and there. "But even I'm not sure I could manage without giving you at least a few good scratches."
Nevertheless, he puts his plush lips to the tip, works his tongue slowly over the head until it's slick enough for him to press down around it, cheeks hollowed as much as he can around the immense girth. Tav's eyes roll back in his head like he's been punched in the stomach.
"Holy fuck."
"Mmm…" Astarion pulls off him slow, lips stretched and wet as Tav's cock slides from his mouth like an ice pop on a hot summer's day. "I'm quite the opposite."
"Yes, you are," Tav pants, thudding his head back against the spongy surface of his makeshift mushroom bed as Astarion links his fingers together and then squeezes his palms up the length of Tav's cock in a tight, hot slide. He bends to lap up the beads of pre-cum welling from Tav's slit, and Tav groans. "Gods… yes you are."
"And I'm only just getting started," Astarion reminds him. "Now, let's see here…"
Where other mere mortals awkwardly struggle and scrape to divest themselves of their garments, Astarion sheds them like a second skin. He's bare in the blink of an eye and Tav will never tire of the sight. Marble skin, perfect proportions, all honed razor sharp. Tav can understand why someone might want to trap him frozen in time, as much as he'll never understand why they wound up keeping him in a cage.
"Come here," he bids, but Astarion doesn't listen—he rarely listens—only smirking knowingly up at Tav as he kisses the straining, trembling muscles of Tav's abdomen. "Please."
"No, I can't let you catch hold of me just yet," Astarion says.
"Why not?"
"Because, once you touch me, I—" Astarion cuts himself off, exhales slow and soft as he positions himself, hovering just above the head of Tav's leaking cock. "Once you start to touch me, it's very hard for me not to give you what you want. And this… is about what I want."
He lowers his hips and the edge of his rim catches on the head of Tav's cock, making them both gasp. Tav is earnestly, once again, worried. They have fucked before, he has made a mess of Astarion both inside and out, and not once has he ever known anything besides tight, tight pressure when he buries himself within the elf's body. He doesn't see how Astarion can take him.
Tav should have learned by now never to doubt him, of course.
He sinks down on Tav slow, one agonizing inch at a time, stopping to readjust, raising himself up again so the slick squeeze of his body drags back up Tav's length and then down again. It's not easy, not at all—Tav can see it in the furrow of his brows, the way his jaw works, the breaths falling in short, sharp gasps from his open mouth. But he has done the work, he's opened himself up for Tav, was so overcome with need that he'd already fucked himself open on long pale fingers before finding him… as though Astarion was worried he might be turned away if everything wasn't just so. As if Tav would ever—could ever—turn him away.
When he finally, finally, takes all of Tav's unbelievable length inside himself and their bodies meet as one, Tav swears he sees stars, even down here in the depths of the Underdark.
Astarion's head drops back, and for a moment Tav can only stare at the long column of his throat, watch his chest heave as he breathes.
"You're so…"
"What?" Astarion rolls his head on his shoulders to peer down at Tav with lidded eyes. "Needy? Desperate?"
"Beautiful," Tav rasps. "You're beautiful."
Astarion stares at him for a moment, his expression unreadable.
Then he rolls his hips in one brutal, punishing thrust, and Tav isn't just seeing stars anymore, he's seeing constellations.
It's impossibly good, the way Astarion fucks him—impossible because he should barely be able to move, impaled as he is. Yet he rides Tav's cock like he was created for that singular purpose, raising himself on shaking legs to slam himself back down again, and again. He rides Tav like he fucking owns him.
He said he'd take care of everything, and he has to—Tav is too nervous to move, worried he'll break Astarion open if he does. The vampire is much tougher than he looks, but Tav doesn't know his own strength after taking that potion, and he is fairly sure he could rupture Astarion from the inside out if he moves the wrong way. He's got no choice but to only lay his massive hands on Astarion's sides and let the vampire use him to seek his own pleasure.
And gods, it's fucking incredible.
Astarion seems to find some kind of rhythm, head thrown back and gorgeous, velvety mewls spilling from his mouth as he rocks his hips over and over. Tav can tell how far gone he is, probably found that one spot deep inside that makes him go liquid and boneless, a favorite for Tav to tease him there with his fingers. Right now, Astarion doesn't allow him to tease—he takes everything he wants.
"Yes, Astarion," Tav breathes, "that's it." That overwhelming pressure is building inside of him, and it's all he can do to just reach out and wrap one giant hand gently around Astarion's cock. It fits perfectly in his palm, and Astarion chokes out a sob. There's no way Tav can last much longer but he doesn't want to finish alone. "That's it. I'm yours."
Astarion gasps. Tav catches a glimpse of crimson as his eyes flutter open, lips forming carefully around the words mine. Then he shudders and lets go, and Tav goes with him.
He can barely stifle a moan as Astarion clenches around him, each spasm wrenching through Tav just as powerfully as if it were his own. It feels too good, too much, and the stars wink out as he comes, seeing only the blackness at the backs of his eyelids. He can't stop his hips from jerking up, and Astarion cries out, but before Tav can worry he's broken him he feels Astarion spill warm and wet in his hand. He strokes Astarion through both their orgasms, through each wave of pleasure, until they're both utterly spent, together.
It takes a while, to come back to himself. Tav is relatively certain he might die on this mushroom. He doesn't think he'll ever move again. Then Astarion groans a pathetic, "Help," and so he does.
At least the elixir comes in handy for lifting Astarion bodily off him like he weighs nothing, even as exhausted as Tav feels. Astarion is dead weight in his arms and aside from a few more pained noises does absolutely nothing to help as Tav tucks the elf against his side. He's earned the right to be useless, so Tav won't give him shit for it.
He still tells him, "You're a menace."
"Thank you," Astarion replies, with the most self-satisfied smirk Tav's ever seen.
"You're not going to be able to walk tomorrow."
"I don't plan on it," Astarion says. "Take one of the others with you, I will be staying in camp." He sniffs. "It's boring down here, anyway. Can't even see the sun."
Tav's heart, already the consistency of runny eggs where Astarion is concerned, manages to melt a little bit further. He rubs a hand over the elf's back. "Alright. You rest."
"I deserve it," Astarion says. "We wouldn't have even found the Underdark without me."
"You mean when you tripped and fell into it?"
"I did not trip," Astarion says. "And I mean, what kind of phase spider weaves a web that won't hold the weight of one elf, anyway?" The elbow he digs into Tav's side has no weight behind it. "Stop laughing!"
"No, you're right, you're right," Tav says. He doesn't stop laughing. "It's just been a day."
"It certainly has," Astarion agrees. "Ended up alright, though."
"Yes…" Tav peers down at him. "You're not going to expect me to chug one of these potions every time now, are you? I don't know if I can satisfy you anymore after this."
"You're plenty satisfying normally, darling," Astarion reassures him. "Let's just… chalk this up to a special occasion."
"Oh? What's that?"
The elf curls into his side, face pressed into Tav's shoulder. It takes him a moment to answer, but then he says, "For as far back as I can remember, I've never had anything that's mine."
"Well, now you have, love," Tav murmurs. "Now you have."