Work Text:
Coming Home
Part 1
Serena didn’t think she had stopped shaking since the phone-call. The phone call from the one person she had never expected to hear from again. Because she was dead…had been for nearly a year. She’d never wanted to believe it, but the army had confirmed it with the discovery of her body armour and her army tags. Then Alex had also confirmed it, and it was her belief that had helped convince Serena that it was true, and it had devastated her. She had clung so long to the hope that a mistake had been made, that she would have known, trying to claim a connection she had long since forfeited. And then that soft hesitant voice had materialised out of her phone.
“Serena?”
She had known that voice immediately, the tentative way she always had said her name. She hadn’t been able to reply immediately, had staggered back to collapse onto her sofa feeling as breathless as if she had been punched in the stomach. She was gasping, soundlessly, like a fish out of water.
“I don’t think it’s her,” she heard Bernie say to some unknown person before returning to the phone. “I’m sorry, I must have the wrong number.”
“No! It’s me,” Serena managed to croak, “I’m here..I’m Serena.”
She drew in a shaky breath.
“Bernie, is that really you?”
Emotionally overwhelmed they hadn’t said much more, both of them too shocked and overwrought to talk for long. The next few days had been a flurry of questions that hadn’t really been answered, except for the occasions when Serena had spoken to the doctors still caring for Bernie. It was felt that longer explanations could wait until they saw each other again. Serena, because she didn’t feel that probing questions would be appropriate over the phone, may not ever be appropriate, and Bernie because she was still too mentally and physically exhausted.
It took three long weeks but here Serena was, waiting at the railway station closest to her current home, for Bernie. She’d wanted to fly out to the hospital where she had been convalescing, but Bernie wouldn’t allow that. In truth Bernie wanted to prove to herself that she was ready to take charge of her life again. Over a year of having someone else dictate where she went and when (or if) she ate had stripped her of layers of confidence that she desperately wanted back.
The train pulled into the station and Serena searched anxiously for her first sight of Bernie, wanting envelope her in a hug that would put Sacha Levy to shame. When she saw her familiar figure and that unruly mop of hair however, she was rooted to the spot, her legs suddenly weak. Which was probably just as well, as Bernie looked as if a strong wind would blow her over, or away. As Bernie walked towards her, leaning heavily on a stick, Serena came to her senses and managed to close the gap between them, reaching for the small bag that Bernie was carrying. Bernie stiffened momentarily before relaxing and allowing Serena to take it from her.
“Still travelling light, I see,” Serena said, marvelling at the fact that her voice worked at all. Bernie shrugged and gave a small smile.
“Not a lot of my wardrobe survived past my death,” she said as lightly as she could, and Serena grimaced at her own stupidity.
“Well, I’ll soon help you put that right,” she said gruffly. “You know how much I like to shop.”
It was Bernie’s turn to pull a face.
“You also know how much I don’t. Perhaps some online shopping might be the way to go?”
They both smiled at that and Serena, mindful of the fact that they were both standing still on the platform made a move towards the car park.
“Did you want to grab a coffee or something, before we head to….my place?” Serena cringed inwardly having nearly said home.
Bernie shook her head.
“I’d really rather just get to wherever we’re going.” She sighed. “It’s been a long day.”
Serena hadn’t expected to feel quite so awkward around Bernie, and that stung; reminded her of how long it was since they had last set eyes on each other. She was trying hard not to bombard her with questions, and it was killing her. When they reached her car and had set off on the ten mile journey back to the house, it appeared that Bernie had questions of her own.
“So,” she said, “why Spain? I would have thought you’d head back to France if you needed a change. You were happy there, I thought.”
Serena shrugged. “Been there, done that and…...just too many memories.”
Bernie murmured her understanding, but Serena wondered if she did. It wasn’t just the memory of Eleanor, but the few weeks of happiness she’d shared with Bernie. When all things had seemed possible.
They travelled the rest of the way in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, and it was late afternoon when they arrived at Serena’s home. Bernie was surprised at the size of it.
“Are you renting it, or have you bought it? Bernie asked.
“Just renting, but there is the option to buy if I want to. It’s a difficult decision, there’s room here if Jason and his family want a holiday, but I’m not sure if I want to put down any firm roots here.” She gave a wry smile. “Things are now more complicated than I expected.”
She couldn’t meet Bernie’s eyes, and Bernie sensed her discomfort and tentatively put her hand on Serena’s knee.
“It’s fine. I’m not ready to explore the ‘what ifs’ any more than you are. I did too much of that during…. well, you can guess.”
Serena took a deep breath and nodded, briefly putting her hand over Bernie’s.
“Cup of tea?”
Part 2
Serena’s house was a two-bedroom villa with the room to accommodate more if necessary. It even had an outside swimming pool in a garden that included a few fruit trees. Cradling a mug of tea in her hands, Bernie raised an eyebrow and asked if Serena used it at all and she admitted to enjoying a leisurely swim two or three times a week.
“You’re more than welcome to take advantage of it, if that’s something you’d enjoy. Your doctor explained that careful exercise is to be encouraged and a necessary part of your recovery.”
Her voice trailed off as she noticed Bernie seeming to shrink inside of herself. There was a small pause and then Bernie spoke.
“I hope that this isn’t too strange for you, I honestly couldn’t think of anyone else who might be willing to take me on, and the hospital wouldn’t release me if it meant I would be on my own. But please don’t think you have any sort of responsibility for me.”
Serena didn’t know how she stopped herself from flinching at those words. Did that mean that as soon as possible she would be on her way, that she, Serena, was just a means to an end? She blinked away the wetness she felt in her eyes, she had promised herself she would be there for her, however long (or short) a period of time that turned out to be. She owed her that at least. She tried changing the subject.
“So, Cameron and Charlotte don’t know you’re alive then? Or Marcus?”
Bernie turned away from Serena’s stare and shook her head.
“I know, I know, I have to do it soon. I just need a little time and space before I do. I don’t think I should do it over the phone, it seems wrong somehow.”
“That didn’t seem to be a problem with me,” Serena said sharply, “I nearly had a heart attack.”
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Serena regretted them.
“Like I said, I couldn’t think of anyone else but you.” Bernie said quietly, “I’m sorry, I realise it must have been a shock.”
Serena’s heart clenched and she took in the obvious exhaustion in Bernie’s eyes. She picked up Bernie’s backpack and held out her hand to help her up.
“You need to get some rest,” she said firmly. “Doctors orders.”
Bernie followed her to the spare bedroom where the bed was already made up. Serena stood awkwardly in the doorway.
“Not sure if you’ll just collapse and be out like a light, or if you just need a short nap. I’m usually up until 11ish, so if you want something to eat just let me know. If you don’t wake before then I’ll leave a sandwich in the fridge…or help yourself to whatever you fancy.”
Serena turned to leave, and Bernie caught hold of her arm.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Serena gave her a small smile and ducked her head.
“You’re welcome.”
As Serena’s bedtime beckoned, she paused by Bernie’s door on her way to her own, listening for any signs of distress, but heard nothing but steady breathing. She still couldn’t quite believe that she was here, under her roof after all those months of thinking she was dead.
Once she was in her own bed she allowed a few tears to fall, unable to get past the image she had in her mind of the last time she had seen Bernie, at Jason’s wedding. The Bernie she had met off the train was thinner, more vulnerable looking, but undoubtedly the same woman.
Over the next few days, the questions that still stood between them were affecting Serena more than Bernie, or that’s how it felt. While Serena was feeling more wound up with each passing day, Bernie seemed to be gradually relaxing. She had achieved one big step by making the phone-call to Marcus. He had actually cried, which she hadn’t been expecting and when she asked for his advice on how to tell Cam and Charlie, he had offered to do the initial breaking of the news. For their sakes he had said, it was going to be a shock however it happened, and it would be best done in person. Although she had her doubts, worried that they would see it as her hiding from them again, she still felt too fragile to argue. She would contact them directly as soon as he had spoken to them. The truth was that she couldn’t face anyone right now, except for Serena, and even that was a struggle.
The main difference in Bernie’s life, was the ability she now had to stay asleep for more than two hours at a time. Sleep was her haven, a way of escaping the reality of her life now and avoiding remembering the life she had escaped from. Yet Serena could see that she didn’t look rested at all, her once warm brown eyes were dull even after though she insisted that she’d had a good night. She needed to build some structure into each day and some form of exercise seemed to be a good place to start.
“Do you fancy a gentle walk into town tomorrow?” Serena asked. “I need a few groceries and we could look at getting you a few essentials, and perhaps a swimming costume?”
Bernie had tensed at Serena’s words ready to refute any suggestion of doing something different, but then the rational side of her brain kicked in. She knew that Serena was merely looking out for her, she needed to stop resenting the fact that it felt as if others were still trying to dictate her life.
“Okay,” she agreed, “as long as we don’t buy too much or stay out for too long.” She drew in a shaky breath. “I’m not really sure what my limits are these days.”
Serena huffed. “I’m sure that my fitness levels are nothing to shout about either. I promise that if it gets too much, then we’ll take a taxi back. My intention is to improve your health and well-being, not worsen it.”
The next day they set off just after breakfast so that they could return before it got too warm, although the weather forecast said that the temperature should not be too excessive today. The shopping did not take very long, and Bernie had been pleased to find a plain black swimming costume, she rather fancied taking a regular swim. Serena had raised an eyebrow when she didn’t even try it on. Bernie laughed at her expression.
“Come on Serena, it’s not as if I’ve put on any weight since my…death.”
Serena scowled and Bernie realised she may have overstepped a mark.
“I’m sorry, I forget that I knew I wasn’t dead, whereas you were left in some sort of limbo.”
“No!” Serena retorted, her frustrations suddenly overwhelming her. “I wasn’t in any sort of limbo, well, not after the funeral. I was mourning for you Bernie; do you have any idea what that felt like? Especially knowing that I was to blame?”
“Sorry what? How do you work that one out?”
Serena rolled her eyes.
“Why do you think? It was my insistence that we would never work out as a couple that ultimately led to your being in Mogadishu. And this time there wasn’t anyone else to blame, no one to vent my anger on. In fact, Cameron blamed me as well and he didn’t even know about my infidelity!”
Bernie was standing in the middle of the street looking at Serena in horror. She caught hold of her hand and pulled her in the direction of the taxi rank.
“Let’s not have this conversation here, I’d rather do it in private, and I’m too tired to walk back.”
Serena allowed herself to be bustled into a car and managed to give the address for her house. She had never intended to blurt out what she did, never wanted to put her guilt onto Bernie, but it was too late now.
Fifteen minutes later they were home and so far, neither of them had uttered a word to the other. Serena put away the groceries and poured herself a glass of juice before moving to the shade of the patio where Bernie was already sitting.
“Did you want a drink?” she asked hesitantly, and Bernie shook her head. Serena sat and tried to think of how to start the conversation they clearly needed to have, but Bernie beat her to it.
“Is that the only reason you said I could come here, because you felt guilty?”
Her tone wasn’t accusatory but rather resigned or weary.
“No, of course not,” Serena replied, “but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a factor.”
She sighed. “After you were pronounced dead, my mind went back to Albie’s when I all but shoved you out of the door and my life. I had allowed myself to be influenced by the way others saw you. Not how I felt about you.”
Bernie began to interrupt but Serena held up her hand.
“And that was because I was scared, I was scared of letting you down if you stayed. What if I had forced you to give up the life you loved, and I wasn’t enough for you, and you were unhappy?”
Serena could feel tears beginning to build up, so she paused as she blinked them away.
“But I never stopped caring about you, never! So, when I found out that you were actually alive of course I wanted you here. I wanted to help you in any way I could.”
Bernie took a moment before replying.
“We were both at fault, when we broke up. You for being swayed by how saw others me, and me for allowing you to push me away because…. I was scared too, half wondering if the reason you said what you did was because after your… , I wasn’t enough.”
She risked meeting Serena’s eyes and saw the unshed tears there.
“Yes, we were idiots,” Bernie continued, “but that’s nothing new for us, is it? So, let’s put a stop to this here and now. No more recriminations…. what happened, happened and nothing we say or do can change that.”
There was a longer silence this time and Serena was finally the one to move. She leaned forward holding out her hand.
“At the risk of repeating myself…. truce?”
Bernie smiled at the memory and clasped Serena’s hand with hers.
“Truce.”
Part 3
The next few weeks passed swiftly; Bernie now made a morning swim part of her routine and felt herself growing physically stronger with each passing day. Her mental health though, was something she was still struggling with. Her therapist had been very understanding of how difficult she found talking about the time she had been a hostage but had tried to encourage her to be more open about her emotions in general. He felt that she was too closed off from what she was feeling, and that she needed to engage more with others. Bernie didn’t tell him that suppressing her feelings was what she’d done for most of her life.
Serena meanwhile was feeling far too much. Watching Bernie plow up and down the pool in that bathing costume was reactivating feelings that she had long thought to be dormant. She had joined her on a couple of occasions, but she was once again feeling self-conscious of her body, especially as to her eyes, Bernie’s was as good as ever.
‘No wonder she got back with Alex, someone who could match her mentally and physically,’ she thought.
She had a few questions about their break-up that she would like to have answers to, like how long after was it before she and Alex met up, how long before they were intimate, and were they really planning on getting married? But a promise was a promise, she would not put them through that after their ‘truce’. And Bernie certainly seemed to be healing although her black fidget bracelet seemed to come into play more often than she would like. She wore it as if it was an ordinary bracelet, but Serena had recognised what it was as soon as she had seen it, as Jason had a similar one. He’d explained to her that it helped to play with it when thoughts and sensations overwhelmed him.
She was sitting by the pool lost in thought when Bernie pulled herself out of the water and walked over to her, rubbing her hair dry.
“Penny for them?”
Serena started and then blushed at she the sight of Bernie in her swimming costume standing so close. She forced herself to look at her face.
“Sorry?”
“You looked as if you were daydreaming, and a little bit sad. I just wondered if you were okay.”
Serena shook her head and tried to look normal, whatever that was supposed to look like.
“I’m fine. I was thinking about…Jason.”
“You miss him, it’s understandable. Did you want to go and visit him or invite him, Greta and Guinevere over here for a holiday?”
Bernie had started to wonder if Serena wasn’t happy about her staying here, at least not indefinitely. They’d never really talked about how this might pan out, whether Serena was beginning to want her life back.
“If my being here is a problem, please let me know. I could move into a holiday let or a hotel for a few weeks if you need some space.” She took a deep breath. “It’s probably about time I decided what to do with the rest of my life. I can’t stay here forever.”
That was the last thing Serena wanted, to lose track of Bernie again.
“No, no of course I don’t want you to move out. It’s nice, having company.”
Bernie looked sceptical.
“Is it, really? Because recently I get the feeling you don’t want me to be around. You find a reason to be elsewhere, you don’t swim anymore, you can’t even look at me right now.”
“That’s nothing to do with you, I’m just feeling a bit mixed up right now, a little insecure.”
Bernie frowned and looked puzzled.
“What on earth do you have to be insecure about? You’ve made a home here, mistress of all you survey, and you’re as lovely as ever.” She blushed as she said that, but she meant it. She couldn’t thank her enough.
Serena sighed but knew she ought to explain what was troubling her.
“I met Alex,” she said quietly. “At Holby, after we were told you were missing. She came to ask if she could help arrange the funeral, and she brought me your journal.”
Before Bernie could reply, Serena continued, not wanting to lose her nerve now.
“She also told me that you two were back together, were planning to marry.” The last bit came with a bit of a catch in her throat. “I do understand Bernie, she’s a very attractive woman who has shared a lot with you. What I’ve been struggling with is, why did you come here, to me? Does Alex even know that you’re alive?”
Bernie slowly got to her feet feeling very shaky.
“I need to get dressed and make myself a coffee. But please don’t go anywhere, I can see now that I’ve left too many things unsaid.”
Serena nodded and closed her eyes as she lay back on the lounger. The sun that was shining so brightly seemed as if it had disappeared behind a dark cloud. In spite of the warmth, she shivered, hoping that the conversation to follow would not turn stormy.
Bernie returned a few minutes later, clutching mug. She waved it in the direction of Serena.
“Do you want anything?”
Serena shook her head.
“I might be in need of something stronger than coffee soon.”
Bernie sank down onto the other lounger, a determined look on her face.
“I’m well aware that there are issues I should have tackled earlier, but there was so much I couldn’t face. But first..tell me what happened back in Holby.”
Serena told Bernie in detail as if every word from that time was etched into her memory, which it was. How, up until Alex’s appearance on AAU she hadn’t really believed that Bernie was dead. Then the nightmare of the funeral and how Marcus had refused to even acknowledge her existence in Bernie’s life. The commemorative service at Holby had gone no better, with Cameron being furious that Serena’s had let Alex attend and feeling too overwhelmed to stay himself, partly because Alex had chosen that day to give Cameron the letter that Bernie had written for him if she was declared dead.
Bernie let her head drop as she heard that.
Serena reached across the small divide between them and rested her hand on Bernie’s thigh.
“It wasn’t your fault that you were captured, and you couldn’t control what was happening in Holby.”
Serena waited a moment and then continued.
“For what it’s worth, I actually found it good to talk to someone who knew you so well. And then Alex was treated on AAU for a leg injury. She later developed compartment syndrome.” Serena gave a small chuckle. “I honestly think you would have been proud of me; I was forced to operate whilst stuck in the office with only Donna for help and the blade on my corkscrew keychain instead of a scalpel. It’s a long story but suffice it to say that after she recovered, she told me that she’d lied to me about being the love of your life and… and that it was me.” Serena stifled another sob, and it was Bernie’s turn to place a comforting hand on Serena.
“I’m glad she told the truth, at least. And I have no doubt you were magnificent in a crisis”.
“Taught by the best,” Serena whispered.
There was a long silence and Bernie had to force herself to speak.
“It’s difficult, it’s... it’s hard to explain. The only way I’m coping at the moment is by trying to put a lid on my emotions. My shrink has told me that is not a good idea, but old habits are hard to break.”
A dry chuckle escaped Serena, and Bernie drew in a deep breath.
“After I finished getting the trauma unit up and running in Nairobi, and working my notice I received a call from my once commanding officer, offering me the chance to resume my post. Not working at the front line but in a teaching hospital treating mainly civilians. After a few months I was surprised to find Alex had also rejoined, and I still don’t know whether it was by design or a mere coincidence. For quite some time we were just friends and I think I drove her slightly crazy talking about Holby… and you. It felt as if she was the only one who I could talk to who might possibly understand. Then one night when I was particularly down, she hugged me and… well, I’m sure you can guess the rest.”
She shifted awkwardly on her lounger, very aware that Serena’s eyes were fixed firmly on her face.
“I did wonder, you know, whether you might have got back with Robbie.”
Serena shook her head.
“I think I messed his life up enough the first time. Not sure how he would have reacted if I’d tried to offer him the runner-up place. Not well I suspect, and I cared enough about him not to offer him that.”
Bernie pulled a face.
“I think that I let things go further than I intended with Alex, because I’d always felt slightly guilty about how I’d failed her on the day she came to see me on Keller. When I was still trying to make things work with Marcus.
For a while I admit that it felt good, the familiarity soothed and calmed me. I cared about her, loved her even, but it never came close to how I felt about you Serena.”
Bernie’s voice grew quieter.
“On the day of the explosion we had had a big disagreement. She wanted some sort of commitment that I just couldn’t give her. Afterwards I often thought that I probably deserved what happened. I’m crap at being someone’s partner, always have been.”
Serena shot forward.
“That’s not true. The only thing you deserved was to be loved, and it was me that ruined that dream. When I thought you’d died that was all I could think about. How selfish I’d been.”
Bernie moved to sit next to her and put an arm around her shoulder.
“It was memories of you that kept me going after I was captured, and I clung to the hope I might see you again.” She gave her head a slight shake. “Poor Alex.”
Serena leaned into Bernie’s embrace for a few moments before slowly pulling back.
“Does she know? That you’re alive?”
Bernie turned her head, looking guilty.
“I expect so. I asked the army not to inform her until I left the hospital to come here. Cowardly I know, but I was a mess, and I couldn’t face her.”
Trying not to sound as if she was criticising, Serena said as gently as she could, “You know she deserves to hear from you.”
Bernie gave a shudder.
“I know, I know, and I should have been braver, but I didn’t want to get swept up into a life I knew I didn’t want. I certainly didn’t want to have to push her away again.”
“She’s probably already hurting, knowing that you didn’t run to her. You have to find the courage to do what you know is right.”
Bernie nodded, crying properly now.
“I hate this weak thing I’ve become; I don’t recognise myself anymore I feel I’m just a horrible person.”
Serena hugged her.
“You’re not, you’re definitely not horrible. No more than me anyway.”
She pressed a kiss to the top of Bernie’s head.
“How come two such esteemed surgeons are such fuckups in their personal lives?”
Bernie looked at her and managed a weak smile.
“Perhaps we deserve each other,” she mused, “I don’t know anyone else who is as bad at a personal life as me.”
They both gave a small chuckle at that, and Serena nuzzled into Bernie’s neck.
“I don’t think I said thank you,” she murmured.
Bernie looked at her quizzically. “Why?”
“For not being dead, and for finding your way here.”
“Happy to comply,” Bernie said softly.
They stayed like that for quite a while, leaning together their bodies touching from shoulder to thigh, with Bernie’s head resting against Serena’s upper chest, their hands clasped together.
Eventually Serena made to get up and Bernie apologised.
“Sorry, I was just comfortable, you know.”
“Me too, but I think we need to get some food, especially as I don’t remember you having any breakfast. It’s been…. an emotional morning.”
The memory of how frail Bernie had looked when she first arrived was still fresh in Serena’s mind. Although she had said very little about her incarceration, Serena was certain that food would not have been high on the agenda, other than to keep her alive.
“I am capable of looking after myself you know,” Bernie grumbled half-heartedly.
“Your doctors thought otherwise, and let’s face it, a good meal was never at the top of your ‘to do’ list.”
Bernie managed to give her a cheeky smile. “Not unless it was at a restaurant with an extensive wine list,” she observed.
“I’m serious, is there anything you fancy?”
The arching of her eyebrows caused Serena to swat her shoulder before heading off to the kitchen.
The rest of the day and evening passed uneventfully, and Serena couldn’t help but wonder what this might mean for their relationship. It felt as if it should be Bernie’s decision on whether they took things any further and hoped that she’d be ready for them to become more..intimate in the not-too-distant future. She wanted that more than anything, but she would settle for what they had right now, if that was as good as it got.
After a late supper Bernie was helping her carry the plates into the kitchen when she surprised Serena with her next question.
“I know that you didn’t get back with Robbie, but was there anyone else in all that time? However briefly.”
“Are you asking me if I had a one-night stand Ms Wolfe?” Serena feigned outrage and had to stop herself from smiling when Bernie’s face turned red.
“No, I haven’t been with anyone Bernie. I’ve lived like a proverbial nun.”
She carried on washing up aware that Bernie was still standing in the doorway.
“Why don’t you get ready for bed, I’ve nearly finished this.”
“I like watching you.”
It was Serena’s turn to feel her face flush and a tingle she hadn’t felt for far too long ran down her spine, but by the time she turned around, Bernie was making her way upstairs. She finished putting the dishes away and then took a moment to take a few calming breaths before going up to her bedroom. Bernie was just coming out of the bathroom in her nightwear, wearing the same sort of clothes that she had worn ever since she’d arrived here – a loose fitting t shirt and some sleep shorts. Up until today Serena had been careful not to pay much attention to Bernie’s attire, (apart from the swimming costume) focusing more on what she saw as her main task of making her feel safe. But now that she’d as good as admitted that Serena was her one, she wanted a whole lot more. Instead, she mumbled a soft goodnight and opened her bedroom door. Bernie placed a hand onto her wrist and Serena stilled.
“Thank you for everything, not just today.”
She leant forward and placed a soft kiss to the side of Serena’s lips.
“I’m just not in that place. Not yet.”
Although Serena’s heart was beating wildly, she gave Bernie a small smile.
“I know,” she said. “Sleep well.”
Part 4
Now that certain things had finally been aired the dynamics between them had subtly changed. Serena was convinced that Bernie was no longer sleeping as soundly as she had when she had first arrived, but she still seemed fairly bright, and she was sometimes on the receiving end of a hug, shy smiles and very occasionally, a brief kiss.
Then one day Bernie announced that she was going for a long walk.
“Do you want company?” Serena asked.
Bernie shook her head.
“No, I just didn’t want you to worry if I was away longer than you expected. Need to get my head straight on a number of things and I thought I’d take advantage of the slightly cooler weather.”
Serena curbed the instinct to insist she go with her.
“Okay,” she replied, “but make sure you take a good amount of water with you. And ring me, if you change your mind about wanting company.”
“Of course, Mom,” she said with a grin. “I’ll even take a hat in case the sun should put in an appearance.”
In the end it was just before 11am when Bernie set off, and Serena watched her stride off with a feeling of apprehension. She channeled the nervous energy she had inside by preparing them a hearty fish stew for later. If Bernie had already eaten by the time she returned, or simply wasn’t hungry, she could always freeze it.
It was five o’clock and there had been no sign or word from Bernie. Serena started to feel her anxiousness grow. Although she knew Bernie would not be happy with her checking up on her, she needed to try and get in touch, but her phone went straight to answerphone every time, so either it was switched off or she was refusing her call. There was a worse scenario of her lying injured somewhere, but Serena worked hard at keeping that idea firmly buried. She resumed her pacing of the back garden trying to decide what her next move should be. She could get in her car and set off in the same direction as Bernie, but the minute she did she might return home and need help of some sort. The logical part of her brain told her that Bernie was more than capable of looking after herself for a few hours, but it was the illogical side that kept taunting her. She ended up ringing again, and this time she took the option to leave a message, which resulted in a rather shaky voicemail asking Bernie if she was okay, and to please call her back.
It was over an hour later that she heard the front door open, and she had to steel herself not to run towards the hall and ask her where the hell she’d been. Bernie walked into the lounge looking drained and exhausted.
Serena stood up as Bernie sank down onto the sofa with an audible sigh.
“Are you okay?” Serena asked, and then unable keep the slightly accusatory tone out of her voice. “You’ve been gone an awfully long time you know.”
There was a slight nod of Bernie’s head in acknowledgement, and Serena tried not to snap at her seeming indifference to how worried she had felt. Taking a calming breath, she followed it with “do you want something to eat or drink?”
“I could do with a large scotch..if you’re offering.”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Serena said. “Not without something to eat.”
Bernie said nothing but got up and moved over to where the drinks were and poured it herself.
Serena felt bewildered and not a little pissed off. She’d not seen this side of Bernie before, and it worried her. She was visibly shutting down, right in front of her. She chose to ignore it for now and see if things improved over the next few hours, so she took a deep breath and moved toward the kitchen.
“Well, I’m going to have something to eat, feel free to join me if you want to.”
She put a smallish portion of the fish stew on to heat through and set a place at the kitchen island. Truthfully, she wasn’t very hungry at all, but she needed to be doing something. She poured herself a large glass of Shiraz and sat down, waiting a moment to see if Bernie joined her. She didn’t. When Serena returned to the lounge it was to the sight of Bernie still nursing a tumbler full of whiskey, but from the look of the bottle next to her it wasn’t the same one she had poured previously.
Bernie gave no indication that she was even aware that Serena had returned, so she sat down, picking up some knitting that she was not interested in, but wanted something to do with her hands. After about an hour she put it down and stood up.
“I’m going to bed. Is there anything you need before I do?”
Finally, Bernie raised her head and looked at her.
“I’m good thanks,” she mumbled, and Serena wasn’t sure if that was due to the alcohol or simply her frame of mind.
“Promise me you won’t sit here for the rest of the night drinking,” Serena said, already considering if she should stay with her.
“I promise,” Bernie replied, and Serena felt she had to trust her.
“Goodnight then,” she said as she made her way upstairs.
She lay awake for at least an hour until she heard Bernie’s footsteps going past her door to the guest room. Sighing thankfully, she slowly began to consider going to sleep herself.
It was less than ten minutes later that she heard a soft knock on her door. Sitting up suddenly she switched on the bedside lamp and called, “Come in.”
The door slowly opened, and Bernie was standing there, her eyes fixed on the floor.
“What’s wrong?” Serena asked, “are you okay?”
Bernie shook her head and in a small voice asked, “Can I come in?”
“Of course you can,” Serena replied, pulling back the duvet. Bernie slid in and lay stiffly by her side.
There was silence for a while and when Bernie eventually spoke her voice was so quiet Serena had to strain to hear her.
“I made some phone calls today. They… weren’t easy.”
Serena waited.
“It turns out that Marcus only told Charlotte I was alive. Apparently, Cameron is going through some… stuff at the moment and he didn’t think a shock like that would help. He wouldn’t tell me anymore no matter how much I yelled at him. So, I also rang Charlotte to see how she was and what she thought about Cam being kept in the dark.”
She hesitated.
“She agrees with Marcus but expects things will change for the better. She wouldn’t tell me exactly what’s wrong either but told me he wasn’t currently working as he had some mental health problems to deal with first. She promised she was keeping a close eye on him.”
She sobbed. “I want to be there for him, but they both says it’s in his best interests for me to stay away. Am I that bad a mother?”
She curled into a ball, her back to Serena.
Serena moved over to her and wrapped her in her arms.”
“Of course you’re not a bad mother, no more than anyone else. I’m sorry they didn’t tell you before, but I think that was for your sake as well as his. He… he took the news of your death very hard, so being told you’re alive now could come as too much of a shock. When you’ve had some time to adjust, then you can try and speak to his doctor yourself and be guided by them.”
She rested her head against her shoulder wishing she could offer some more comfort. Bernie reached her hand over her shoulder to stroke her fingers through Serena’s hair.
“I made another call too. I finally rang Alex.”
There was another long silence.
“And how did that go?”
“She was very angry with me, that I’d disappeared before she had been told. She’d guessed I was with you and her comments were…. not very nice. I’m glad that you weren’t in the UK because I think she would already have found us, and I wouldn’t want to put you through that. She hates me and I deserve it.”
Serena gave her an extra squeeze.
“She doesn’t hate you; she’s just hurting right now. Give her time. It’s been a shock to all of us who thought you were dead, but I’m sure you endured much worse. Things will get better, I’m positive.”
Bernie gradually began to unfurl.
“Sorry about the way I acted earlier, I was just trying to process it all.”
She started to climb out of the bed.
“Wait!” Serena said. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Back to my room.”
“No, no you’re not. You’re staying in here tonight. And if you go, I’ll just follow you to your room and climb into your bed with you. I’m not leaving you alone tonight.”
Bernie sank back onto the mattress.
“Did anyone tell you that you can be awfully bossy?”
“Are you complaining?” Serena asked.
Bernie shook her head.
“I just hope I don’t keep you awake; I’ve started to get a bit restless recently.”
Nothing I haven’t experienced before,” Serena replied without thinking of how that might allude to their previous relationship.
“Do you still sleep on your right-hand side?” Bernie whispered, and Serena nodded her throat suddenly dry.
“Is it okay if I spoon you like I…. “
The unspoken words hung heavy in the air and rather than reply Serena turned onto her side and pulled Bernie’s arm over her own, across her stomach.
Bernie’s breathing gradually became steady and the sensation of her hot breath across the top of her ear left Serena tingly all over
Bernie was awake early, and Serena was woken by Bernie easing herself out of the bed.
“Hey,” she said sleepily, “how are you this morning?”
“Better than I was expecting. I was just going to get a drink; did you want a coffee?”
“Hmm, that would be nice.”
Serena started humming to herself as she waited for Bernie’s return, remembering just how comfortable it had felt to be sharing a bed with her again. Well, perhaps it was more than comfortable, Bernie’s arm around her waist had felt very good.
She was massively disappointed therefore when Bernie came back with her coffee, fully dressed. She pulled herself together and asked if she had any plans for the day.
“I was thinking of another walk,” she replied and when she saw Serena’s expression, she hastened to to reassure her. “No, no, not like yesterday.” She had a shy look on her face. “I was hoping you might want to come with me and then when we get back, I’ll give you a hand in the garden, if you’d like?”
Serena was happy to agree, and it was only an hour or so later that they started along the road into town. It already felt like a lifetime away from when they had done this before and when Bernie casually hooked an arm through hers, Serena felt a surge of happiness. The day passed calmly and when Bernie also asked if she could share her bed again tonight, Serena felt her whole body thrill with anticipation. She had been dreaming of this closeness ever since she’d answered her phone and heard Bernie’s voice. Her libido which had remained buried under layers of guilt for so long, had been resurfacing ever since she’d seen her at the train station, but she was still going to take things slowly. She never wanted to lose Bernie again, didn’t think she would survive if that happened.
Bernie stood hesitantly at the bedroom door and Serena felt a surge of love rush through her as she patted the bed for her to join her.
“Have I still not convinced you that I’m okay with this?” she asked softly.
Bernie looked sheepish as she padded across the room to join Serena.
“Sorry, it’s not because I don’t want to…I just need …”
“Take it slow. I understand.”
As Bernie curled her body around hers, Serena hoped that she wouldn’t notice how fast her heart was beating. It wasn’t long before the occasional soft snore filled the silence of the room and Serena and wondered, not for the first time recently, if she was going to have to take matters into her own hands before the end of the week.
Serena slowly awoke later to feel Bernie pressing her lips gently to the base of her neck and she froze. There was a small pause and then her lips continued to move along her shoulders and followed by a soft sigh.
“You do know I’m awake?” Serena murmured, slowly turning her head hoping not to spook her.
Bernie breathing hitched as she stared into Serena’s eyes, and the whole world seemed to stop. Then it started spinning again, far too fast, as she pressed their lips together. It was soft and slow, and Serena felt herself shaking with desire and the familiarity of it all. Bernie pulled away gradually, the word “sorry” escaped her on a breathless sigh.
“Don’t be, I’ve been hoping for this for weeks now,” Serena said, her voice sounding shaky, “but I thought you were taking it slow.”
Bernie gave a small laugh.
“Seems my body overruled my brain.”
“Brains are definitely overrated.”
Their lips met again, still gentle and sweet, but the arm around Serena’s waist tightened and then moved upwards until a breast was being cradled in Bernie’s palm. Serena failed to suppress a moan, and she started to turn so she was facing Bernie.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Serena asked, hoping that Bernie wouldn’t say no but needing to hear her say yes.
Bernie nuzzled into Serena’s neck and started to pull up her camisole top.
“The thought of doing this with you, is one of the things that kept me hanging on during the darkest of days. So yes, I’m okay… are you?”
After removing the top Bernie kissed her again with a little more heat and started moving down nipping at Serena’s throat and along her clavicle.
“God, yes,” Serena gasped. “I’m just wondering what took you so long in that case.”
Bernie’s hands resumed fondling Serena’s breasts; she had missed this soft strong woman for far too long.
Serena rolled Bernie over onto her back, her own hands creeping underneath Bernie’s t shirt, and Bernie transferred her hands to Serena’s back dragging her fingers down to cup her backside. With Bernie’s breasts bared Serena wasted no time in covering one nipple with her mouth, lapping it gently. Bernie sucked in a loud breath and arched her body towards Serena, who moved her mouth to Bernie’s own, tongues meeting, exploring.
Their movements became more urgent and as Bernie’s hand went lower, meeting coarse curls, Serena whimpered and almost forgot how to breathe. Bernie’s hand teased between her legs and Serena wanted to scream at her to stop with the gentle touches, to take her to that breathless place.
“Oh, my darling, you’re more than ready for me, aren’t you?” Bernie said her voice trembling as she slid effortlessly inside. Serena groaned in agreement, knew that she would come very soon. A few moments of pressure on her clit as Bernie thrust gently inside her, and an orgasm tore through her, legs stiffening as she tightened around Bernie’s fingers. When she came down from her high, she found herself crying with all the emotion she had kept inside for so long. She looked lovingly at Bernie who was trying to wipe away her tears and registered the look of concern on Bernie’s face.
“It’s okay... I’m okay, more than okay, I promise.”
To prove her point she cupped Bernie’s face in her hands and kissed her for a long time.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“Home at last,” Bernie said softly, and they both cried tears of joy.