Chapter Text
Tommy is captivated by the guy from the very beginning. Half drunk and almost blinded by how bright his TV screen is, he sits there in the dark watching the Finnish entry during the second Semi-final parading around on stage in that fascinating neon green outfit of his. Tommy's eyes are glued to the man's every move, unable to look away. Not that he wants to. He doesn't even want to blink, needs to watch every millisecond of this weirdo. When the short guy drops the tough act and his entire performance shifts into something happier and glittery, Tommy can feel his heart race in his chest. Käärijä does some freaky little dance, all smiles and the joy simply radiating off his beautiful face.
Then some weird human centipede shit comes in. He's definitely got Tommy's vote. Once the performance ends, Käärijä thanks the entirety of Europe, hand over his heart before scurrying off stage. In the haze of the alcohol and the excitement, Tommy instinctively reaches out to his TV, wanting to keep that insane Finn in his sight. He blinks stupidly for a while after Käärijä has left, completely zoning out of the next Eurovision performance. Eventually, he flicks off the TV and sits in the silence of his living room.
That certainly was....something. Tommy is very much hard in his sweatpants. He doesn't know what it is about that Käärijä guy but he's got his heart pounding relentlessly to the point he has to put a hand over his chest. The blood is rushing to his cheeks and Tommy decides well fuck it, might as well before dragging his sweats down his ankles. Watching Käärijä makes him feel as light-headed as he feels whenever he's out indulging in his urges. He has no qualms about jerking off to the thought of the Finnish entry. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. And, well, wouldn't Käärijä feel flattered about being lusted after like this anyways? Tommy is just admiring a beautiful foreigner, that's all.
He imagines what he'd do to Käärijä if the man was standing right here, right now. And the sheer amount of thoughts that come flooding to him are so overwhelming that Tommy ends up splattering all over his hand within seconds. He shudders in the aftermath, eyes rolling back into his skull and pulse skyrocketing. Tommy calms down eventually but not without laughing to himself until he starts to wheeze. That's the most mind blowing orgasm he's had in months. All because of some strange little guy from Finland. The Estonian absent-mindedly licks his lips, tasting the bitter flavor of beer. He's got a concert on the day of the grand final but he'll make sure he gets home on time to catch Käärijä's performance.
He'll do anything to see that guy again.
His manager is eyeing him suspiciously, eyebrows furrowed. Tommy just smiles at him innocently. The rapper knows damn well he's being uncharacteristically quiet. Where he'd usually be talking shit non-stop and annoying his manager for fun, now he hasn't said a damn word since they left for the gig. It's on purpose. Tommy knows that if he opens his mouth right now, he'll end up infodumping non-stop about his latest fixation. He's done some excessive research on Käärijä, very much fascinated by everything about this guy. He must've watched about 30 interviews, saved a thousand pictures, listened to every single song he could find online. It's nothing weird. Tommy's just interested in the Finn. He's sure it'll blow over eventually.
Käärijä has some undeniable bangers, though. Even if Tommy will probably forget about him after Eurovision, he'll still be listening to his music. He has one earbud popped into his ear, feeling Fantastista vibrate through his entire body.
"Are you ready?" His manager questions, startling when right after the crowd starts chanting. Tommy closes his eyes to listen to the chants mixing in with Käärijä's frustrated screams in his ear. It almost sounds like something out of a cult, a sacrificial ritual.
The Estonian takes out his earbud, smirking. The energy is surging through his very veins. "Yeah, man."
The crowd's energy is electric. This is one of his favorite things in the whole world, his fans screaming his own lyrics back at him with an enthusiasm that matches his own. When Tommy closes his eyes, he sees neon green and intense blue eyes peering into his soul. He has an out of body experience while singing X-Ray, as if he's watching himself sing from far away.
"You are ugly outside, but beautiful inside. You can run, run, but you can never hide....."
Tommy's hand trembles around the microphone and he has to keep himself from bursting out laughing. The urge to laugh always consumes him in moments like these, it's very hard for him to keep it under control. His manager has dubbed it his Joker laugh but Tommy himself doesn't see it that way. He laughs like that when he's happy and feeling alive. He stops feeling like a zombie when he's on stage. Out here he is real, human. Made of flesh and bones. The applause is deafening and he almost lets himself be roped into doing an encore but his manager gestures for him to wrap things up so he instead he promises his audience that he'll drop a teaser for an upcoming song tomorrow.
Cheers erupt as Tommy's manager face palms. He hasn't filmed any teasers yet. But that's an inconvenience at worst. He's not too concerned about the whole thing, getting off stage and slipping out of the venue to get a smoke. Tommy is halfway through his cigarette when he notices an unfamiliar woman wearing a Kappa T-shirt walking up to him. She's fiddling with her phone and looking at him like he's the second coming of Christ and not some guy bumming a smoke. Must be a fan.
"Oh my God, I'm sorry, can I...can I get a picture with you, please? I've been a fan for years!" The blonde girl all but pleads, clasping her hands together. How the fuck did she get past security? Tommy finds the mystery aspect amusing so he just shrugs and gives her a slow smile.
"Sure thing." He's nice to his fans. Without them he wouldn't be where he is today. So he puts on his usual deadpan expression and does a peace sign in the selfie the lady takes of them. She seems absolutely ecstatic and Tommy can't quite find it in himself to be annoyed with her even when she follows after him like a lost puppy.
He's gotta get home soon to catch Käärijä on his television screen. And it's as if this random fan can read his mind because all of a sudden she asks:
"Are you gonna watch the Eurovision finale tonight?"
Tommy nods enthusiastically, very much excited to watch a particular performance. He's still pleasantly buzzing from the concert and the knowledge that he'll get to experience Käärijä coming in first place. "Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it!"
"Who's your favorite entry? Besides Alika, of course. I really like Austria!" The girl continues, now blatantly following Tommy while he walks further away from the venue.
The Estonian takes another drag off his cigarette, exhaling a good mouthful of smoke. "I really like Finland's entry."
He watches the fan pull a face at his statement before glancing back to see that they're getting further and further away from the building. They're walking along the road next to the woods, the metal railings being the only thing to separate them from the edge of a cliff.
"What, that neon green guy? He's so overrated." The girl says, rolling her eyes. "And he's kind of ugly too. I know it's Eurovision and all but why does he even have his hair like that? It's so weird."
Tommy doesn't bother pointing out that she's making fun of a guy for being weird while being an active Tommy Cash fan. The irony of it all seems to go right over her head. She keeps on yammering on and on, getting increasingly disrespectful about Käärijä. Tommy is a strong believer that everyone should be able to express their opinions on stuff but he's definitely feeling agitated by the time the fan sits down on the railing to take a breather from all her rambling.
"Anyways, I'm sure Loreen is gonna win tonight. I'd honestly take her over Finland any day." She claims through a yawn, leaning back on her hands. Now, Tommy could just walk away and pretend like he didn't hear her unkind words about Käärijä. He could. But instead he stops dead in his tracks and curiously tilts his head at her.
"Did you come to my concert by yourself?" Tommy asks innocently, inching slightly closer but not enough to close the distance between them.
The girl's eyes widen at that and even in the dark Tommy can see how her face grows redder. Poor thing. Must be thinking he's trying to hook up with her. Then she nods, barely suppressing a big smile. "Y...yeah! It's just me. My friends, like, don't get you like I do, y'know? So I came alone."
He chuckles at that, very much amused by how much she doesn't get him. If she did, she wouldn't have been sitting there on the railing before him. She would've noticed the look in his eyes. "Good."
Tommy stalks closer, bracing his hands beside her legs, caging her in. Her eyes flutter shut as he leans in close, breath ghosting over her lips. Then he hooks his hands under her knees and lifts until she's falling backwards. The woman's shriek lasts throughout the few seconds it takes her to hit the ground. But once she disappears past the trees, there's a thud and then dead silence. Tommy waits for a bit, listening to the sound of the leaves rustling in the wind and an owl hooting up in a tree. A shudder runs up his spine and once more does he have to resist the urge to laugh. He feels so fucking real right now it's almost making him pass out from sheer joy.
Somehow he manages to keep himself from fainting, the lightheaded-ness fading once he continues on his path. The cigarette has reached its end, burning Tommy's fingers but he barely registers the spark of pain. He hums Cha Cha Cha on loop all the way to his apartment, feeling high as a cloud. He dances into his living room, kicking up his legs and sending his boots flying against the wall. Tommy all but jumps onto the couch, flicking on the TV and seeing that the Italy entry has just finished. Soon after Alika takes the stage and Tommy respectfully keeps his attention during the whole performance. Even gives her an applause in real time once the song wraps up, even though he knows what he's really here for.
Käärijä enters the scene and Tommy doesn't look away for even a second. Watches the neon green menace come out of his box and enchant the audience with his deep gravelly voice. Liverpool is screaming for him but Tommy himself stays completely silent. His world has narrowed down to just Käärijä, tunnel vision. Even the bright pink dancers disappear in his eyes. There is only the small Finn on stage and when his voice starts to shake a little, Tommy's brain provides him with some very pleasant visuals accompanying the shakiness. Unsurprisingly, he pops a boner again. But the brunette doesn't touch himself, watching the entire thing with a throbbing erection in his pants and his fingers digging into the couch cushions.
When Käärijä wheezes out an "It's crazy, it's party! Thank you!!" it deeply resonates with Tommy. It really is crazy and party. He mutes the TV when Czechia's entry comes on, jerking off again and reaching his high within a minute. Tommy can't help but chuckle at his own lack of performance. If he ever met the guy in real life he might just cream his pants the moment Käärijä touches him. Wouldn't that be nice.....
Tommy is half asleep by the time the final points are getting announced. He blinks drowsily, yawning through the annoyingly long build-up that the show runners have going on. Käärijä looks increasingly more agitated, gnawing on his knuckles and shifting restlessly. Tommy wishes he could be there right now, his horniness for the Finn fading into something softer. The primal urge to comfort has him reaching a hand out towards the screen. He closes the palm of his hand around Käärijä, momentarily obscuring him. But then the points are finally announced and he watches the loud and confident Cha Cha Cha man crumble.
Oh. Tommy stares unblinking at the TV screen. Loreen goes out to collect her glass microphone and before long even the multiple angle shots of Käärijä's barely concealed crying face end to focus on the final performance of Tattoo. The crowd's angry chants are very much audible and Tommy feels an unpleasant sensation churning in his gut. That's not the outcome that he hoped for. He doesn't stick around to watch Loreen's performance, turning off the TV and tossing the remote onto the coffee table.
He sits in the dark for a long time after that, contemplating. Can't get Käärijä's distressed body language out of his head. He's sure that the rapper is surrounded by people trying to comfort him right now, that Bojan guy at the lead no doubt, but Tommy knows that if he were in Käärijä's place nothing would make him feel better.
It's a real bummer. Tommy can still hear the angry and dissapointed boos of the crowd. Guess that chick was right about Sweden winning. Still, despite Tommy's night taking a rather unpleasant turn, he's still feeling very much excited. Finland might not have won this year but Käärijä has charmed the whole of Europe. The Estonian digs his phone out of his pocket, opens up Instagram and immediately searches for paidatonriehuja. And much to his surprise, the blue button says follow back. Tommy's heartbeat skyrockets at the knowledge that this guy has been following him for who knows how long now.
He taps the follow button without a second thought and sinks back into the cushions. Tommy is left feeling light-headed once more, this time even more intense than when he pushed that girl off of the cliff. His vision starts to blur and Tommy's last coherent thought before he passes out is that there really is potential here.
One DM and he can get what he wants.
It takes a lot of nagging for his manager to agree to it. The man in question seems very much annoyed by Tommy's antics as of late, having been forced to set things up to film a teaser completely last minute and now being asked to get into contact with Käärijä's management. Tommy doesn't get the issue. Everyone's talking about that guy right now, well known even outside of Finland. Everyone knows Cha Cha Cha. A collab would be perfect.
"It'd be good for my image." Tommy argues, stubbornly crossing his arms over his chest. His manager looks unimpressed, quirking an eyebrow at the brunette.
"Since when do you do things that are good for your image?" The older man points out and okay, fair enough. Tommy doesn't give that much of a fuck about having a good image or not. The bigger portion of his collabs came to be simply because he thought it'd be fun. He does them purely for his own amusement and if he gets some more attention from them, that's just a nice bonus.
The Estonian can't keep down a mischievous smile, eliciting a sigh from his manager as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. "Alright, fine. Have it your way, then. But slide into the guy's dms first to see if he's up for it. If he is, I'll try getting into contact with his team."
Tommy whoops and throws his arms up, wrestling his manager into a hug. The man begrudgingly pats his back, clearly fed up with the younger's antics. "Thanks, man! I'll fix a collab with 'im, don't you worry."
It takes a while before he ends up shooting the message. Käärijä is on a well deserved vacation right now, fucking around with an inflatable flamingo and posting silly videos to his story. Tommy screen records every single one of them, tells himself that this is just a temporary fixation before adding the clips to his nearly full folder dedicated to the man himself. This is normal. Tommy went a little crazy for a while back when he was still very much fixated on Little Big. These things come and go. Maybe once Tommy gets his way and he sees the guy in person, he'll calm down.
It's while he's watching Käärijä chase after his buddy Frank on a tropical beach that a notification that reads "Woman (21) found dead in woods after attending Tommy Cash concert" interrupts his enjoyment. Tommy swipes it away without another thought, fixated on Käärijä running around in those tiny pink swimming shorts. He's not at all worried about being potentially caught. He made sure that it could be passed off as an accident, some drunk fan stumbling over a railing after a wild concert. He is not responsible for his fans once a gig ends. Tommy has other things to be focusing on right now anyways.
It takes another while but eventually Tommy crafts a good message to send Käärijä, some time after the man has returned from his vacation.
tommycashworld: Yo Käärijä, my man!
tommycashworld: what's up?
Perfect. Usually Tommy would have no qualms about just asking for a collab from the jump but he's trying to have some manners. And he really does want to know what's up. Well, he already knows. Käärijä is absolutely swarmed with upcoming gigs left and right, Tommy had grimaced when the Finn announced his summer tour earlier. Busy nearly every single day of the week. That's gotta be rough. So Tommy fully expects for the reply to come maybe days or even weeks later. He doesn't even know for sure if Käärijä is the one managing his own account. For all he knows a member of the younger man's team could be replying to him instead of the guy himself.
But no, Tommy receives a response within 24 hours. And the texting style is definitely unique to Käärijä. The man has a very particular way about him when it comes to typing. Tommy is not at all surprised to be bombarded with fire emojis.
paidatonriehuja: OMG is Tommy Cash!!😱 You are so cool man 🔥🔥 I am good thank you😍
The Estonian is very much amused by the excessive amount of emojis. Before he can even start to type out a response, the other man is already adding onto his lengthy message. Tommy decides to wait it out, patient as Käärijä seems to repeatedly type and delete a text before finally settling.
paidatonriehuja: You want do collab maybe?? :)) I love to make song with you!
And oh. That was easy. Tommy's lips quirk up into an involuntary smile as he reads the text over and over. Käärijä took the words right out of his mouth. They're already on the same wave length and they haven't even actually talked yet.
tommycashworld: I was gonna ask the same thing!! Is it cool if I get my manager to hit up yours so we can set up a meeting?🔥
paidatonriehuja: YES YES! We make amazing song together Tommy😍
tommycashworld: damn right 😈
He's over the fucking moon when he shows his manager the texts, bouncing back and forth on his feet. The poor guy looks both ecstatic and terrified at the new opportunity. As if he can already tell that him and Käärijä will be absolute chaos together. A match made in hell.
"I'll contact his team as soon as possible. Keep in mind that you'll likely have to wait for another while, though, because the guy is obviously very busy right now." His manager warns, knowing Tommy can be prone to impatience sometimes.
The brunette simply nods in agreement. He's not happy about the fact that he isn't meeting Käärijä right now but he's willing to wait if it means he'll get to see the Finn. His patience will be rewarded eventually, he knows. He just has to wait it out. Tommy will try and get some inspiration in the meantime. He thinks of the woman that he pushed to her death and decides that he wants to make something that'll include a dark forest. Secrets in the dark. Thunder and blood. He hopes Käärijä is into that sort of thing as well. Right now the man seems to be trapped into this sort of family friendly image, the golden boy of Finland. But Tommy sees right through that facade. Käärijä is an animal. What kind of beast he is, he doesn't know yet, but he's eager to learn more.
May and June pass by frustratingly slow. But it's not like Tommy is starving for any content from his future collab partner. There's hundreds of videos and photos to be discovered of Käärijä, his insane summer schedule providing lots of things to enjoy. Tommy ends up buying a second phone because of the sheer amount of content he saves of this guy on a daily basis. His Twitter timeline and For You page is absolutely stacked with the younger man's beautiful face. And, okay, maybe this fixation has been a tad more intense than Tommy's previous interests. Maybe he doesn't have quite as many videos saved of previous artists he's been wanting to collab with.
But still he tells himself that this will blow over soon. That he's just endeared by the character that is Käärijä. Just very sexually attracted to him. Maybe Jere, the person he is off stage, will make him lose interest. Maybe he's actually kind of laid-back and normal out of character. Someone that won't be able to match Tommy's energy. Still, in the meantime the Estonian continues to dig deeper and deeper into the other man's history. Discovers things about a bowel disease and a failed relationship and a gambling problem. The brunette memorizes all of it, keeps every bit of information saved in the back of his head. The infamous night of Tavastia is also something that will stay with Tommy for a long time. He watches the colorful clips of Bojan making a spectacular entrance, singing Carpe Diem while Käärijä plays air guitar.
They seem awfully close. Tommy watches Käärijä squeeze his Eurovision best friend's body at the end of the performance, seemingly unable to let go. He's looking at this Slovenian boy with stars in his eyes. What they have is special and very much charming, the Estonian can admit that. During Cha Cha Cha Käärijä climbs onto Bojan's back and the face the younger man makes has Tommy gripping his phone tight. Something ugly and unfamiliar churns in his gut. He can't quite enjoy the gig in earnest when his soon-to-be partner is rutting against another man on stage like a horny dog. It's as hot as it is infuriating. Tommy almost pops a boner but Bojan puts his hands on Käärijä again and his dick stays soft.
Tommy doesn't like that very much. He still saves every video of the gig he comes across. Still follows the Käärijän tag in favor of watching clips he hadn't seen before. Bojan and Jere. Always so close. Close enough to kiss, if they wanted to. It'd be easy to write it off as a PR stunt. It sure seemed that way during Eurovision. But Tommy isn't blind. There really is something there between them. Whether it's platonic or not, he can't say for sure. What he can say is that he'll be keeping tabs on Bojan from now on. Or maybe not. Käärijä is only something temporary after all. Maybe it's not worth getting involved when Tommy will be normal about him once they've done the collab.
He stays away from social media during the weeks leading up to his meeting with Käärijä. Doesn't look at clips from new gigs. Doesn't even watch the Finn's stories. This is just infatuation, Tommy has lived through it before. No need to get all worked up over this man. No need to be possessive. He will come and go like all the others before him. Tommy has never reached the point of claiming another person before. He engages in intimacy with others, of course. Sex and performances and the act of taking one's life. He's not soulless, even if it might seem that way sometimes. He still craves human contact.
Maybe if Tommy is lucky he'll get to fuck Käärijä. Fuck him and then finally this exhausting little crush will be over with. Except, he realizes once he's at the airport one afternoon in mid-July, that may not be the case. He's just landed in Helsinki, purposely dressed to look as unsettling as possible to see if Käärijä will be uncomfortable at the sight of him. Tommy has barely left his gate before there's a flash of yellow and he suddenly finds the air knocked right out of him. Looking down at his noticeably shorter attacker, he sees a mop of dyed black hair. A faded yellow sweater. The smell of pine cones and something he can't quite describe.
Tommy's senses are overwhelmed by the time Käärijä pulls back and when the rapper looks up at him to flash a toothy smile, it feels like a punch directly aimed to his throat.
"Tommy Cash!!" The thick accent greets him, big blue eyes crinkled with joy.
Oh, Tommy finally realizes. This is something else entirely.