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When the hands of the clock passed 3 pm, the whole hall stopped its work. People started to gather in the hallway and dressing room to leave that nasty, moldy factory where toxic fumes a long time ago had eaten out workers' smell. They were leaving the factory to return home, even nastier and moldier. At least Kim Hongjoong was one of them.
The young man left the factory with everyone; taking automatically his bag, validating his card, and getting outside. As soon as he passed the front doors, the grayness hit his eyes. The smog mixed with terrible weather, and clouds were ready to drop the rain in a second. What a wonderful beginning of Autumn. Hongjoong was used to that view. He didn't remember when the last time he saw the Sun, he thought. He grabbed the pack of cigarettes, but when he found out it was empty, he cursed under his breath.
It was a nasty addiction. He couldn't last a day without cigarettes. It became for him more important than actual meals, always having something with himself, to make the meal more attractive and tastier. But these days were heavier for him to stand, he reached for these rolled deaths more often and ran out of it.
He changed his plans, going straight for the bus (when usually he would smoke in the first place) to go to the store. It was crowded. The bus was usually filled mostly with workers of the factory, but when Hongjoong was fighting for his life and non-existent personal space on the bus, he noticed two small boys, clearly frightened. Hongjoong turned his head away, trying to avoid their big eyes filled with fear. He tried his best to stop his mind from getting back to the worst, but at the same time the best, time of his life.
He got out of the bus near the center, where he had a store close to his flat. He went there, doing less important shopping such as milk, eggs, bread, cheese, and of course some instant noodles because besides water, his body consisted of 80% instant noodles and other junk, fast to prepare, meals. Seeing the reduced price for cat food, he took also a few cans.
"New tenant?" Asked the girl behind the cash register.
Saying Hongjoong didn't like her wasn't enough. He hated her. Of course, he just could go to another store. In the other part of the town. And the valid reason was also selling his favorite cigarettes.
"No" Hongjoong mumbled, packing his shopping.
The girl was near Hongjoong's age and probably most of the young men in the town would say she was pretty like a model (and probably most of those men did her more than once), but not for Hongjoong. And her personality didn't help either. She was nosy and curious, always asking stupid and private questions which was exhausting to Hongjoong. But luck wasn't on his side, always meeting her at the store.
"You didn't shave today? You look so handsome"
Also, her comments sometimes were just inappropriate in Hongjoong opinion. He was already pissed off. And maybe choosing a new store wouldn't be the worst idea.
"Can I ask for blue cigs?" Asked the man, ignoring her.
The young woman handled him two packs as always and when she was waiting for money, she didn't hesitate to ask:
"Are you free tonight? Because I'm ending my shift in half an hour, we can go somewhere"
Hongjoong almost dropped all the coins he was holding. She wasn't just annoying but also so stupid, he thought, because why did she think Hongjoong would go with her anywhere? They were just strangers.
Hongjoong truly didn't have any idea that the woman was so nosy and annoying because she fell in love with young, stinky, and poor factory worker.
He looked at her. He was visibly disgusted.
"I'm busy tonight" he answered, handing her all the money and taking his bags. He left, without any word.
"Do you love someone?" asked the little boy, while swinging.
Hongjoong needed a while to answer but even after that time, he still couldn't answer properly. The question was so random and for a nine-year-old from another nine-year-old kid was rather strange.
"I don't know yet..." he said quietly. "I just want to be with the person that makes me happy" he confessed, stopping his swing to look at not much older boy. That boy stopped as well and soon they were looking into each other's eyes. Hongjoong smiled warmly, feeling how the spark flew through his whole body. It was a common feeling when that little boy was next to him. And that was what he was talking about.
Hongjoong remembered a stupid question. Years ago, during the prom. It was his duty to ask a girl for the prom so he did, but there was no feeling between him and her. At least not on his side because the girl seemed to develop feelings for Hongjoong. No surprise since he was one of the most handsome boys at school. His attitude was also sexy in teenage girls' imagination — the cold boy who smokes and doesn't give a fuck about school or teachers. But unfortunately, he didn't give a fuck also about other people, especially girls. Among heartbroken girls, he had an opinion of a selfish and narcissistic bastard.
"Do you even love anyone except yourself?" She asked with tears in her eyes when Hongjoong didn't want to do a couple photos.
Kim didn't answer her, just taking a drag. The girl ran away, bursting into tears.
He truly didn't love anyone. Including himself.
Hongjoong smoked one cigarette on the way back home. But then his hands shook not only because of the lack of nicotine but also the weird situation and moments in his past he would rather not come back to.
He stepped inside an empty flat. Nobody except these few spiders was waiting for him. The only thing that was destroying the absolute silence was rain. Hongjoong was lucky he managed to go inside before started heavy rain, if he hadn't, he would have been soaked to the skin.
He took off his shoes and went through the short hall, going to the small kitchen. There was only one cabinet, stove, fridge, and under the window table with two chairs. Only one was free while on the other were lying clothes and other things Hongjoong didn't care about. He didn't need places for two people, he was alone.
He took one of the instant noodles and prepared, wanting to fill his stomach right away. Sitting at the table with the poor light, eating and listening to merciless rain (yet in some way Hongjoong felt peace), he spotted something behind the window. He sighed, getting up to open it.
"You're wet, you stinky creature" he mumbled, trying to dry the cat with a towel (from the said chair).
The cat was big and beautiful with her long colorful hair and two colored eyes. She was waiting peacefully, enjoying the care someone was giving to her. The cat was homeless in general, but on one harsh winter, something in Hongjoong's cold heart broke. He took her home and gave her care. That is how they ended up in symbiosis — Hongjoong gives her home, food, and warmth when she needs it, and as thanks she hunts for mice in the winter and eats mosquitos in the summer.
"Seems like I have a date anyways," he said, still eating and looking at the cat eating her food right in front of him on the table.
His everyday life consisted of waking up, dressing up, trying to proceed where and who is he while smoking, 8 hours at the factory, and then time at home. It was getting colder those days and the old cat was a more frequent visitor at Hongjoong's flat. All days were like that: after dinner, he sat on the couch, the cat next to him and they were both watching TV. Hongjoong didn't have anything better to do.
There is nothing to do with your life when you feel like dead inside. Hongjoong was just living from day to day, without any goals or will.
"You little stinky and..." he sighed looking at the yawning cat. She turned on her back, showing her tummy. Hongjoong laid his hand here, petting her and listening to her purr. "And cute creature."
No matter how many times Hongjoong called her 'stinky creature' he loved her and was happy seeing her at his window. After all, she was the only being who stayed with Hongjoong.
From nothing to do and a boring program, Hongjoong fell asleep soon, and the cat as well. His head was leaning against the backrest, hand still on warm and furry tummy. His lips were slightly open, letting quiet snores come out. It was common as well, falling asleep. He would wake up an hour or two later only for a little snack, wash, and go to sleep again. Still on the couch, since he hardly ever used his own bedroom.
That day, he didn't wake up himself, but because of the knocking at the door. In the beginning, it was gentle, but soon louder and stronger.
"It's night you fucking son of a bitch" he mumbled, opening the door.
He froze in a place, seeing the person he just called the son of a bitch.
"Are you leaving?" Asked little Hongjoong, feeling how his poor and small heart broke into a million pieces.
On that idyllic August day, the Sun was shining warm along with the light wind that was playing in their hair. Everything was supposed to be as always. But it wasn't. Everything around Hongjoong was so different.
In front of his friend's apartment building was a large truck and some people were putting boxes into that. Everyone was busy, no one paid attention to two little boys playing at the playground. Sitting in the sandbox, they had an excellent view of the created confusion.
Even bigger confusion was in Hongjoong's head and on his face. But soon after the other boy nodded, lowering his head in embarrassment, Hongjoong's lips went thin from pressing it together. His little fingers dug into the sand, gripping onto it, trying to hold himself.
"Yes, I am..." Said almost inaudible the little boy. "I'm sorry... I wanted to tell you, but..."
"But what?" Hongjoong was never harsh towards his best friend, but now he felt different. It wasn't only simple anger he felt when someone kicked a ball right on him or his friend. He felt sadness, but much stronger than that every time he got back home to his parents. Something was destroying his heart. He could also feel humiliated and... Betrayed.
"I have no other option..."
"You promised" Hongjoong tried his best to hold his tears. "You promised we would be together forever and now you're leaving. You're leaving me. What about me?"
"I..." That boy tried to find some kind of justification, but he knew he hurt his best friend. And he would never have a chance to make it up. He glanced to the side, noticing his mother. "I have to go..." He said and got up. "Farewell, Hongjoong"
And he just left.
"Seonghwa, again?"
Maybe Hongjoong should be surprised or mad, but he lost all his emotions a long time ago. That was why he was looking at his childhood best friend with a stone face. Maybe his body and mind should be filled with sadness or anger, but he just was looking at him.
Seonghwa didn't change at all. Or maybe he was just prettier than as a kid. His lips were pink, cheeks chubby and a little flushed, and black bangs were lying on his forehead, covering his eyes a little. But Hongjoong still could notice the sparks, just like when they were children. He did his best to avoid looking into his eyes while they were drinking tea.
Hongjoong took things from the chair, making space for unwanted guest, and made tea for both of them. He locked his eyes on the window, but he couldn't see anything except their reflections. Outside was dark. The silence in the kitchen was heavy. Except for their breaths, they could only hear rain for a long moment.
"So..." Seonghwa started. "How's life?"
What a stupid question - thought Hongjoong, but he couldn't stop himself from laughing. How's life? And what he was supposed to say? That it sucked more than his mother whore?
"Awesome" he answered with sarcasm. "I have an awesome life since my best friend just left me almost with any word and called me never again. How do you think, how's life?"
"You're still mad at me..." Seonghwa lowered his head in shame. "I'm sorry..."
"I'm not mad at you. I don't feel anything to you anymore."
There was silence again. Seonghwa was not able to say anything, swallowing his tears, but still, some of them ended up in his tea.
Honestly, Hongjoong never thought about how Seonghwa felt about that whole thing. He was just a kid when his best friend left him and he didn't think about it rationally. And with empathy and understanding. Only his feelings mattered, he completely forgot about the other side. And when Hongjoong at some point stopped thinking about Seonghwa, Seonghwa never stopped thinking about Hongjoong. He thought about him every day. He always saw his face with painted sadness and feeling of betraying on it when he thought about Hongjoong. Seonghwa had never seen Hongjoong like that before so it was something new then. Something that stayed in the brain of a little kid. He felt guilty for the next 15 years. Although it wasn't his fault. As a 10-year-old kid, he had no power and had no other option than to move out. But still, he loved Hongjoong and the only thing that mattered was him, making his best friend feel bad. There wasn't a day without thinking about Hongjoong. His brain was full of Hongjoong to that state he never again had any new friends or lovers. The number of letters he had written and never sent them was uncountable. He just believed Hongjoong didn't want to see a betrayal like him ever again.
He regretted his every choice. Especially showing up at Hongjoong's flat after 15 years. He probably should forget the same as Hongjoong, but feeling of the guilt would kill him. He had to close that chapter to start another.
"How are your parents?" He asked. He remembered Hongjoong's mother as though a fog, but he could swear she was a nice and warm woman. He was so wrong. His weak heart of a kid saw everything through pink glasses, giving him the wrong view of real life.
"My father drank to death so he enjoyed his life I guess. And my mother, I don't know probably excellent since she left her child and started a new life" Hongjoong just took a sip of the tea. His voice was soaked up in sarcasm, with zero sadness, worries, or longing. Maybe a little happiness.
"I thought..." The very next word that Seonghwa spoke was making the situation even worse.
"You thought my parents were as cool as yours, huh? Of course, they were! It was a fascinating life with an alcoholic and a woman who didn't even care about her son. I wasn't bored at all with them, not knowing what would happen when I came back home. If my father was in a nice mood or not. If he-" Hongjoong cut out, seeing a state that Seonghwa was in, crying and shaking. Unexpectedly, Hongjoong felt unpleasant chills through his whole body. No matter how many things he wanted to tell him more, seeing him like that, stopped him from everything.
Seonghwa couldn't stop. Everyone around him was saying he shouldn't blame himself, but how he couldn't? No matter how stupid he was, he connected the dots. He connected the face of a small boy on the edge of crying to the story. Now he understood what he did to the small Hongjoong that August day.
"I-I'm s-sorry..." He managed to say, trying to stop the tears streaming down his cheeks. "I-I'm sorry, Hongjoong..."
Hongjoong should feel the relief. He had been keeping all these things in him to that day. He had never told anyone what was happening in his home. But he didn't feel any relief at all. Not when he saw Seonghwa like that. He had seen him crying a lot of course. Seonghwa was the type of child who cried because of everything, but Hongjoong had never made him cry. It was hard to admit, but something inside of him moved. Like never before.
"I... I need to smoke" he mumbled, took a pack of cigarettes, and left, not caring about Seonghwa anymore.
The heavy rain wasn't a problem to him, coldness as well. He lighted up a cig and resisted on the wall under the roof, inhaling toxic smoke. He could feel how the stress was burning out of him with every other drag. Stinky warm smoke was filling his lungs, sending fake feelings of safety and happiness to his mind.
He sighed heavily, letting the smoke out and locking his eyes on the street where raindrops were falling constantly, he came back to his visitor in his mind. Now, having some kind of stress relieving, he could think about Seonghwa. The view of him shaking and crying came up to his head once again. He could feel vexatious shivers on his whole body, but he blamed coldness. The thought of empathy didn't appear in his head. It wasn't possible, right?
But still, that view... Hongjoong didn't know why he reacted in that exact way. There were too many triggers; the argument, then Seonghwa's reaction. He could feel blood buzzing in him even after he left. His hands were shaking while lighting up the cigarette, and his brain was fuzzy with too many different thoughts.
It wasn't that Hongjoong was a cold bastard by his choice. He just stopped caring about people when he was a teenager. Just the way people stopped caring about him. Or more like people didn't care about him. The first heartbreaking moment was when his best friend left him obviously. And when everyone would just say "You can find another one", Hongjoong had never found a friend as good as Seonghwa. No one could replace him. But it wasn't the only issue. Seonghwa was literally the only close person who was making him feel good. The thought of meeting him every day made him smile no matter how bad the day was. He would spend a whole day at school and then at the playground, playing with Seonghwa until sunset when both of them had to go home. And then the only thought that was keeping Hongjoong alive and at least a little positive was meeting Seonghwa another day. And day after day. And the day after the day after.
Just to leave his home as soon as possible and spend another wonderful day, not caring about the situation at home.
When Seonghwa said "Good night, Joongie", he always felt stomach in his throat, immediately feeling bad. Coming home wasn't easy. It wasn't his safe space. Nobody waited for him there. It was even hard to call it home. It was just an obscure flat, stinky with cigarettes and alcohol. No family warmth that every kid like him deserved and needed. Getting inside he usually could witness an argument of his drunk father and mother dressed up like a whore (that she probably was). Then she left.
One day she never came back. It was not a long time after Seonghwa also left. Then he was alone with his father alcoholic.
Seonghwa was... Was his only happiness. His bright star. Light in the long, dark tunnel. When he left, the whole light and happiness disappeared from his life. Without a chance to return. That tunnel seemed to be so that long he couldn't notice a way out. A way he got in neither. It was also possible he just stopped. He didn't see any chances he just gave up and stopped in one place.
Maybe he was exaggerating but it was the exact way he felt with Seonghwa as a child.
Soon after he came of age, his father drank to death, and he finally became completely alone. The last thing he could feel was relief. He was finally free. But after many disappointing events in his life, he was not able to like, trust or just to get close to someone. It was a subconscious defense mechanism — if no one was close to him, nobody could hurt him.
After three smoked cigarettes he sighed heavily, trying to inhale fresh air (what a stupidity). The rain didn't stop, but something in its smell was soothing. As a kid, he hated rain for obvious reasons: sitting at home for the whole day? Not seeing Seonghwa? It was like a nightmare. But when he grew up rain didn't bother him anymore, he even liked it. Raindrops hitting against the windowsill constantly and the cat in his lap were like a lullaby to him, calming him down.
From an open window, he could overhear a conversation or more like an argument. They were just like his parents, arguing about who should take care of their son. But they didn't argue who would take better care. They argued whose a bounden duty it is. Nobody wanted to take care of little Hongjoong who every day felt less loved than before. Of little Hongjoong who just wanted to be happy but apparently, it never was meant for him.
He snorted to himself. People would never change.
He came back home and noticed his problematic guest sleeping on the table. Hongjoong could just wake him up and force him to leave but after he poisoned himself and sipped some fresh air all his incomprehensible emotions calmed down. There was nothing in his head about Seonghwa when he took him up and left him in a bedroom he didn't use anyway. The only thing he wanted to do was to watch a senseless program and fall asleep before he had to wake up early in the morning.
He exactly did it.
Leaving work, he didn't pay too much attention to the weather or generally to the surrounding world. He just came back to the flat, going through way automatically because his mind was far away from Earth. He had a lot of time to organize his thoughts, what to say or what to do, but no. His brain was empty. He just didn't know how to react to his childhood best friend's return after all those years. But for sure, they had to talk like people and explain what had happened.
Hongjoong stepped through the door and immediately smelt something... Something different than cigarettes and mold odor. Something so delicious that Hongjoong noticed he was literally starving after a whole day of working (because of that situation he forgot his lunch). He closed the door, took off his shoes, and went straight to the kitchen where he met Seonghwa wearing an old apron, humming a cheery song and cooking something.
"What..." Hongjoong's voice was hoarse so he needed to cough. Also, his tone wasn't too friendly. Not when he was talking to the person who just had cooked him the most delicious food. "What are you doing?"
"Hongjoong, you're back" Seonghwa managed to send him a little smile. "I... I'm sorry that I act like it is my home, but I thought you would be hungry when you come back from work so... So I prepared tomato soup. Your..."
"My favorite..."
In the old days, Hongjoong sometimes had an occasion to visit Seonghwa at home. And every time Mrs Park offered him dinner. Hongjoong didn't know what manners were then so he had never denied the offer (especially when he was starving because no one cared to feed him at home). Besides how much he loved Seonghwa in childhood, he remembered also how delicious was Mrs Park's tomato soup.
Without unnecessary words, they sat for dinner and only one spoon was enough for Hongjoong to melt. If someone asked him how childhood tastes, he would say like Mrs Park's tomato soup.
"It tastes exactly like your mother's" Soon nothing was left from soup. Besides how tasty it was, Hongjoong ate his first normal meal in a while. His stomach was on its knees, thanking him for something else than chemical noodles. "How's she?"
Seonghwa needed a short moment to answer. "She... She died a month ago" he lowered his head, locking eyes on his own soup.
"Seonghwa..." Hongjoong was out of words. He didn't know how to react, where to put his hands, where to look. He didn't know what to feel. "I'm sorry, Seonghwa..." He could only say.
Seonghwa looked at his old friend. His eyes were visibly red like he tried to hide tears. He shook his head. "It's okay, don't be sorry... She had a tough time lately, but we're okay now, that is me and my dad. And that is one of the reasons why I am here. I need to do some documents at city hall"
Hongjoong only nodded. That was obvious Seonghwa came back here for something more important than a stupid old friend. After all, Hongjoong was nobody. Nobody who would be attention-worthy. Especially not for that... That pretty boy with an amazing smile. Seonghwa had now new better life. And Hongjoong was useless in it.
It was shocking even for Hongjoong how he reacted. He should have been mad and thrown him through the door with his case for making from his home a free hotel, but Hongjoong just took that information, coding in his head that he was nobody.
Maybe back in the day, he was someone, but life goes and the same as Seonghwa wasn't anyone for Hongjoong anymore (at least Hongjoong tried to convince himself) as the same Hongjoong wasn't anyone for Seonghwa anymore.
"So... How's life?" Asked Hongjoong, trying to end the embarrassing silence since there wasn't even rain to help. "I hope now that question will be easier, you know" Hongjoong managed to laugh to relax the atmosphere a little. But it was an unnatural laugh. He didn't laugh unironically in a while he forgot how it should sound to be natural.
"Good, I mean, except my mom, but it's good. I graduated last year" Seonghwa said proudly.
"Congratulations," said Hongjoong honestly.
"Thank you. Except that I don't have anything else to share. I mean, my life isn't that exciting. Where do you work?"
"Nothing special, at that factory."
"That one that we used to think was haunted and that was why people working there were like ghosts?"
"Exactly. And you know what? It's exactly like we thought. Something there steals all wills to live."
It was supposed to be a joke, Hongjoong really meant to be funny but apparently, it wasn't his strong point, because Seonghwa seemed to lose countenance, thinking he did something wrong bringing out that topic.
"Sorry..."
"What?" Hongjoong was genuinely confused. "Oh no, it's not like that. Don't be sorry. I'm just trying to joke, but well, you see"
Seonghwa smiled a little, wiping his eyes. "You're so funny, Hongjoong, I'm just... You're just funny, Hongjoong."
Hongjoong asked for another portion of that heavenly tasty meal to feed his stomach for the next years (it was obvious he wouldn't eat something like that soon). He could feel warmth spreading through his veins. And he felt good. Finally.
So Hongjoong decided — he was going to take from that day as much as he could. He was going to use it in the best way, spending the last day with his best friend that he still loved with his whole child's heart. Later, he would just pretend it was just a pretty dream he was dreaming while sitting in front of the tv.
Sun. In that town, the Sun was like a mythical object. Something that people knew only from stories. The big factory caused a lot of pollution, poisoning not only animals but also people. Sun was almost invisible under a thick layer of smog. Also lately it was usually rainy or even stormy. Seeing the Sun was a blessing not only physically (giving people vitamins and warmth) but also mentally.
Hongjoong didn't know what the reason for his unexpected nice mood was: Sun, warmth, a walk, or Seonghwa's presence. But that feeling was weird. Something odd yet familiar. Something strange was happening inside of him. But he could swear he didn't take anything prohibited.
They chose to go for a walk around the estate, between blocks of flats, playgrounds, and other places that were familiar to them from their childhood. It was incredible that anything hadn't changed. Literally anything. Everything looked exactly as same as the day Seonghwa left that cursed town: blocks were dirty from smog (maybe only that changed — everything was dirtier and darker because of pollution), people were unhappy and the playground, that they used to spend whole days on, still looked like it was about to collapse but still managed to change into a most imaginary thing like a pirate ship or secret agency.
"We used to play football here," said Seonghwa, pointing at a makeshift field made of concrete slabs and two garages' walls on the ends that performed functions of goal.
"A little correction. We played football here while you were sitting on the grass remember?"
"I'm here, Mingi!" Shouted the little boy, waving his arms to let know his friend about his position.
It was dynamic play, full of enthusiastic little kids because no matter what the final score was, they all had a nice time playing with friends.
"Goal!" Someone screamed when the ball hit the wall, giving a point to one team. "You're great, Hongjoong hyung"
"Thank you, Jongho" smiled Hongjoong. He was glad he made something useful for his team. After all, he gave them victory, but still, he would tell everyone it was their together teamwork.
Their almost every day looked like that: having fun with friends without any worries. Just silly little kids.
Except for that one kid who was sitting on the grass, observing them with a sad smile for the whole game.
"Right..." Agreed Seonghwa, looking back on the past. "You know what? I wonder what is happening to the rest of our friends like Mingi and Jongho. We used to play every day... I would like to see them too maybe one day."
"Unlikely since Mingi committed suicide and Jongho is in prison," said Hongjoong without any hesitation. Emotionless. Like it was something normal. Because it was for Hongjoong. For Seonghwa it was a completely different case. He was run out of words. Not every day you find out that your childhood friends are dead or in prison. It was so shocking.
"It's terrible... How do you feel? About Mingi? You should've gone through it alone and he was your best friend..."
Except for Seonghwa, Hongjoong was close to Mingi too, but it wasn't as serious as it was with Seonghwa. Especially when he left. Day after day, he stopped appearing on their place, because it wasn't the same without Seonghwa. He lost not only his best friend but other friends too (but by his own choice).
"See... We weren't that close later... We were seventeen when he did that so... I don't know I think the only thing that I thought about that case was if I shouldn't have joined him" he said nonchalantly and threw up his arms, hiding hands in his pockets.
The silence between them was so loud.
"What with others?" He asked after a long time.
"Yeosang and Wooyoung ended up in prostitution. San drugs. I only know he's still alive because the church hasn't announced a funeral yet. And Yunho..."
"Stop, I don't want to know."
"Actually I was going to say he has got married recently and moved out. It's... It's a really nice thing, especially after what happened with Mingi..." Said Hongjoong, but Seonghwa felt more confused. "The whole school talked only about Mingi and Yunho. There was something between them for sure" Hongjoong once again threw up his arms and took a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He didn't want to let Seonghwa know these topics were making him stressed (he didn't want to even know it himself, but the strange feeling of discomfort pushed him into trying to find a way out, to relax).
Again, they walked in silence for a while. Hongjoong was too busy smoking, emptying his mind and Seonghwa was on the contrary — he was thinking about all their friends, especially Mingi and Yunho.
"They were together, right?" Asked Seonghwa finally after he analyzed the whole conversation and got back to better times. Hongjoong didn't answer, just taking a drag on a cigarette. He didn't want to answer that question for some reason. "What do you thi..."
"See I don't think talking about it is appropriate" Hongjoong interrupted the older, trying to cut off the uncomfortable topic.
Seonghwa only nodded, feeling Hongjoong's annoyed aura. He decided to end that conversation, knowing it would lead to another argument. Especially when Hongjoong reached for another cig. He didn't control it but everything in the last two days was so different, Hongjoong was losing control. He didn't remember he had ever smoked that much like during those days, but everything inside of him was screaming for another portion of poison. Ironically, it was healing him. Or just covering the pain and unwanted things he was feeling. He just had to, he needed to take another and another roll, willing for relief in that bizarre situation.
They finally stopped at the playground, taking seats on the swings. Sun was slowly going down so the sky above tall buildings was falling into shades of orange and pink. Birds were making their last journeys for food or getting back home. People were coming from work just to go home and lock themselves inside to spend that pretty evening on stupid tv or radio or arguments with their families. Just a normal evening for other people, but special for Hongjoong. He remembered how as a kid he had stayed late outside, til the sun wasn't completely gone. After the whole busy day, full of his friends, he would sit on that exact the same swing, with that same person, watching their other friends going home. They always used to have some time only for them. Just a few minutes before Seonghwa's mother would open the window and call him home. But it always was so precious to Hongjoong. To listen about most silliest things that happened to Seonghwa during that day. To see his honest smile after he cried for half of the day. To feel loved because it was what exactly Seonghwa had made him. He didn't expect too much from people. Just to be authentic with their intentions towards him. He wanted to feel wanted by anyone and Seonghwa was the person that had made him like that.
As a child, Hongjoong didn't know how to call all these emotions, or how to explain what he needed, but he always felt the difference between being at home and being with Seonghwa. At home, nobody ever asked him about his day. Nobody asked him how he felt. Nobody ever hugged him. Nobody ever told him they loved him. He unconsciously craved some affection as every emotionally healthy human on Earth. He felt unwanted at his own home; with his own parents. On the contrary, with Seonghwa he felt loved. He felt how his heart was immediately filled with warmth as soon as Seonghwa was next to him and it didn't matter what he did. It could be a question about his favorite book lately, it could be just him crying because a ladybug sat on his arm, or it could be just him being. Anything to be honest.
It was always about Seonghwa and nobody could replace him.
"I can't believe everything still looks the same..." Whispered Seonghwa amazed by the view around him. He also remembered one of those childhood idyllic days when he had no other worries than what his mom would do for dinner. "Just like..."
"Like the time has stopped... Honestly, I think it was exactly like that. The time has stopped... The whole world has stopped when you left..."
Maybe he was exaggerating for some people, but he just spoke about his feelings. For him, it really stopped right after he saw Seonghwa for the last time. He didn't make any progress in any field, because for a long time, he had just Seonghwa in his mind and then, he just didn't care what would happen the next day. The next day there could be even the end of the world and he would probably spend it smoking the last cigarette in his life and petting his cat.
That was why he was exactly in that place: living from day to day, days were almost the same, he was working in the factory and his flat was empty — nobody was waiting for him. He didn't care about his life, willing just to survive although sometimes he had thoughts about ending that pointless series of repeating events (because he couldn't call it life). But even ending it was pointless. He didn't believe in anything so what would be next? What would be the point of ending that existence?
"I didn't see any kids here," said Seonghwa. And he was right because, for their whole walk, they didn't notice any children.
Back in the day, that town was full of life (although that factory was a little shady). There used to live a lot of people since that town was almost built from fundaments just for factory purposes, for workers to have where to sleep. And back in the day, people used to have a lot of kids. So it was obvious playgrounds were full of cheerful kids playing from sunrise to sunset just like Hongjoong and Seonghwa before. But although the place hadn't changed at all, people had changed. Maybe buildings and places looked the same, but something was missing.
"There are barely any children" answered Hongjoong. "The world has changed and if someone didn't end their life tragically, they just moved out to reach something bigger than work at the factory and pathological family" he was too honest, but after all he was right. Young people had bigger dreams than their families, at least some of them because others just ended up like Hongjoong and Seonghwa's friends. But still, a lot of people had moved out to bigger cities, looking for better jobs and lives. They didn't feel the hurry to have their own families, focusing on their personal development. So half of the big, massive, ugly buildings that in the past were inhabited full, now were not even in half. Of course, there were always some exceptions, but seemed like the greatest times of playgrounds and playing outside were gone. Nothing surprising, when the outside was almost unfit for life. Hongjoong supposed that these kids had never seen the Sun because of smog. Maybe it was a little exaggeration, but he missed the bright sky painted in pretty colors himself.
Or he just missed better times.
"Didn't you think about... Moving out from here? To find a better place?" Seonghwa asked shyly, just like he was scared to ask. Or more like he was scared of Hongjoong's reaction.
"I..." It was a nice question honestly. He didn't think about it, because it was the place he was born and he was growing up in better and worse times. But maybe leaving was the solution... "No. And I don't think it would help."
After all it was always about Seonghwa. Nothing would help, even moving to another country or a tropical island. Nothing.
"I'm not the person that likes changes. So... No. It wouldn't help."
Seonghwa just nodded. Despite the heavy atmosphere for a while, they quickly changed the topic, bringing back their best memories. And it was amazing. Hongjoong forgot for a while about that unlucky August day. He forgot that he hadn't seen Seonghwa for 15 years. It was just like that one day at the end of June when the vacation had started and they had two months of play. Then, they also talked while swinging, but they had talked about their days. Now, they were talking about their lives. How they used to be carefree (almost) children. How they used to laugh with their friends.
They brought back some funny stories that unexpectedly made Hongjoong laugh. It wasn't loud or hard, just a light giggle, but it was honest, authentic, real, and natural. The pleasant tingle had spread along his whole body, reminding him of the feeling he hadn't felt for years... Happiness.
Long after the Sun went down completely and they had vision only thanks to artificial light from lamps, they decided to go back to Hongjoong's place.
As Hongjoong stated — Seonghwa hadn't changed at all. Not only from appearance but also the behavior stayed the same. He still was clumsy so coming down from the swing, he got tangled in his own legs and almost would have ended up on sand if not Hongjoong's reflex who caught him right in time.
"Hongjoong!" The little boy ran towards a group of kids that were giving each other hand fives after the match had ended. "You were awe-" the words had been cut off when the boy stumbled over his own feet. Seconds later, he started crying.
It was a normal occurrence. Seonghwa was incredibly sensitive about everything; words could hurt him as much as physical pain. Happened several times that Seonghwa started crying because someone told him something, because he forgot something, or because he found out that someone stepped on little insects, or on the other hand, because the little insect sat on his arm. In addition, he was clumsy. What a destructive connection. The number of times Seonghwa hurt himself was uncountable. There wasn't a day without him crying because he fell from something or he hit himself.
Everyone was used to it, knowing he would cry for a while and then everything would be okay. Especially when wounds weren't serious, just a small skin tearing. Any other would just get up and go further. But Seonghwa couldn't just avoid crying. Whenever there was a situation like that or something stressful was happening, his eyes were becoming wet immediately and he didn't even control it.
And Hongjoong would never turn his head away like the others. He was first to help Seonghwa although he thought it wasn't that serious. But there was always something in wiping away his tears and then his little smile. Of course, he hated when Seonghwa felt bad, but he loved helping him.
So there he was, sitting on the grass in front of Seonghwa and washing his wounds while everyone else was playing on the playground.
They were silent, but they didn't need any word. Seonghwa was just sitting patiently, watching his friend. And Hongjoong was taking care of him. Hongjoong was doing his favorite thing. He was close to Seonghwa.
"And... Done" said Hongjoong, looking at Seonghwa. "How do you feel? Maybe you should go..."
"I'm fine" Seonghwa smiled. He leaned closer to Hongjoong. "Thank you, Hongjoongie" he closed his eyes and placed a light kiss on Hongjoong's cheek.
"Thank you, Hongjoongie," said Seonghwa, and then Hongjoong could feel the kiss on his cheek.
Just the same as 15 years ago.
And just the same like these 15 years ago, Hongjoong was left alone in confusion. He was looking at Seonghwa's back, but his mind was far away. His thoughts had a war, but apparently, he was losing. It was... It was just so random, so unnecessary, so... Good.
When it happened for the first time, Hongjoong was deeply in shock, because he had never got any kiss, especially not from his best friend. Saying, he had never got a kiss from a boy, was unnecessary. More important was what he felt. As an innocent kid, he could feel how the love was spreading over his whole body, the warmth he wasn't used to. Something that he wanted to feel all the time. And also his view on Seonghwa had changed. The urge to be constantly near him grew bigger. The want to ask him for one more kiss but he was too embarrassed. Because Seonghwa was only his best friend.
Yet now they were almost nothing for each other. After all these years without contact, their relationship got degraded to strangers or maybe someone would say even enemies. But when these soft lips were pressed on Hongjoong's skin, he could feel the warmth once again. The real, pleasant, healthy warmth, not like that rank smoke. And although it made his head heavy from different kinds of thoughts and emotions that he couldn't name, he felt... He felt nice. But like really nice he couldn't even describe it. Something like his heart was near to explode, his skin in the place where Seonghwa kissed him was burning with real fire. His body refused to obey. He froze in a place, with his arms and legs like heavy jello, heart beating in his throat and blood buzzing in his whole body. In his ears was only noise.
Just a little kiss but the person...
"Are going?" Asked Seonghwa after he had turned back to watch internally struggling Hongjoong. The light smile didn't disappear even for a while, making Hongjoong collapse mentally.
If someone would tell Hongjoong he ended that day in one bed with his old friend who hurt him so much, he wouldn't believe it. He would laugh with his infamous sarcastic laugh. But there he was, fucking Seonghwa into the mattress. He didn't even remember how it happened, he only remembered how everything was buzzing inside of him. Desire, longing, and... Anger. So many reproaches and blames towards Seonghwa. He could lie to himself he stopped feeling anything to Seonghwa, but it wasn't like that. Deep inside of him, he had never stopped loving him. Deep inside was hiding a small boy with a broken heart who loved his friend more than himself. Deep inside of him, he had never forgiven him. No matter what he tried to convince himself to.
His hands were gripping Seonghwa's hips, fingers were digging into his delicate tanned skin, making bruises that were going to stay for days. His movements were merciless, pelvis hitting against older's ass making it jiggle. His cock was hitting the deepest parts, abusing Seonghwa's prostate to that point he started to cry soon. But Hongjoong didn't care with his brain dizzy with anger and desire. Only he mattered and he wanted to finally feel free from any kind of reproaches he had been hiding since that August day. He wanted to empty himself from it.
He was groaning and panting at the way Seonghwa's tight heat was squeezing him. He didn't stop crying, but it wasn't from pain or fear. He simply felt that good. His body was almost getting destroyed but in the most pleasant way. Hongjoong's fingers were digging into his caramel skin painfully, his thrusts were fixed, every time hitting his prostate. Seonghwa was barely able to keep himself on his own hands with younger's hard movements, sliding not only into his other mindset but also physically, not being able to hold anymore. His hands were shaky, and he fell onto the bed, trying to run away, but unsuccessfully.
Hongjoong laid on him, still moving his hips while he grabbed a fistful of Seonghwa's hair to force him to look at him. His pretty face was turned into the most sinful thing Hongjoong had ever seen. It was red from embarrassment, tears streaming down his cheeks and full lips parted to slip out high moans and whines.
"Don't run away. Don't run away again. Stay here. And take it" Hongjoong said into older's ear.
Soon Hongjoong made Seonghwa come so intense his vision went white, and his mouth was open in a silent scream while his whole body shook violently.
Hongjoong didn't mind. It was possible he didn't even notice Seonghwa came in the way he cared only about him. He was selfish, bringing back all the emotion he had been denying for years. Now it came back two times stronger and he couldn't hold himself anymore. He was looking for his release as well and soon his movements went erectic, his mind covered with wild want to come. He bottomed in deep in Seonghwa, filling him full with his warm semen.
Seonghwa came for the second time in a row and he could swear he had fainted for a while and when he finally opened his eyes, Hongjoong was far from him. At least he thought so.
"What are you doing?" He asked weakly. His vision was still blurry and his voice hoarse from screaming for a long time.
"I- I just..." He looked around the room.
Hongjoong was sitting on the edge of bed while Seonghwa was left on cold air with his whole body aching, covered in sweat and cum. He wasn't able to do anything himself and even these four words were an incredible effort. Hongjoong was looking for something. Something that at that moment seemed to be more important than Seonghwa. His whole body was burning with desire but not after the animalistic sex. His body and mind were craving a fucking cigarette.
He finally stopped his eyes on Seonghwa and his inner fight didn't take long because the view of Seonghwa changed his mind once and for all. His blissful face right after he fucked his brains out, possessive bruises around his whole limping body. He looked like an angel.
Seonghwa was more important.
"Nothing" he answered, forgetting about a pack of cigarettes that were lying on the floor. He just went back to bed, covered them with a rough blanket, and hugged Seonghwa, trying to stop his tears.
He could finally hold him in his arms, hiding his face in his fluffy hair, and feel his warmth. Like he should before and after forever.
Hongjoong could lie to himself, but he couldn't deny the amazing feeling that was burning in him when Seonghwa was close. The way he was feeling good again. The way he wanted to smile again. The way he wanted to live again. The way he wanted to love again...
"A long time ago you asked me if I love someone..." His voice was quiet, almost inaudible and he wasn't even sure if Seonghwa was listening to him or he already had felt asleep. He didn't care because it was hiding inside of him for too long and these words were escaping his mouth without his permission. "And I said that I wanted to be with the person that makes me happy. And I realized that you're that person. You make me happy. You make me feel... You make me feel in general. Before you came here, I just existed. Going to work every day, eating junk food, sleeping and watching that damn tv. But you came here and brought light to my life. I... You're the person that I love, Seonghwa..."
It didn't matter if Seonghwa heard that or not, he felt a relief anyway. He felt like a heavy stone fell off his heart, freeing him from all the ugly intrusive thoughts that he had been keeping inside for 15 years. Now he was free and in love. And falling asleep, he was wondering about a better future. Of course with Seonghwa on his side.
Seonghwa woke up, smelling nice scent but no matter how much he wanted to get up and check what is happening in the kitchen, his body was beyond his control by the way it was aching. He whined from delicious pain, remembering what happened last night. Any pain couldn't erase a smile from his face when he had in his head memory of Hongjoong above him, his possessive hands and lips on his warm skin. He didn't even bother to check his body, how many marks and bruises he had. It was uncountable anyway.
"Good morning, pretty" Hongjoong appeared at the entrance, holding a tray with breakfast.
Everything about him was so different. He was smiling, his face was bright, he was kind and prepared nice food instead of fast scrambled eggs or noodles.
"Morning, Hongjoongie," said Seonghwa, stretching, and then he whined again when his whole body pulsed from pain. But he smiled anyway and even laughed.
He looked pretty always — thought Hongjoong.
"I'm sorry for the last night. I might've overdone..."
"It's okay. We both enjoyed it, didn't we?"
The pretty smile was still on, sending nice chills to Hongjoong's body and mind.
"I made breakfast as an apology"
"Apology already accepted. It smells so nice"
Hongjoong helped Seonghwa sit in the bed, fixing pillows. It couldn't be done without little and deeper kisses. It was so idyllic. Hongjoong loved that state, where he could just kiss his love, be with him, and feel his warmth, without hurry or thought of danger outside. Just them madly in love. His hands were stroking Seonghwa's thin waist, brushing against marks he left the night before, giving it some comfort, but also he felt proud. Seonghwa was marked by him. Seonghwa belonged to him. Seonghwa was his, again, right? And he would never again let him go.
"Did you shave?" Asked Seonghwa, touching Hongjoong's smooth cheek.
Just a simple action, but meant a lot. Hongjoong didn't care about his appearance and in addition, he was lazy. Usually, he didn't want to shave in the morning, letting hair grow on his face, making it harsh and unpleasant to touch. Like the night before when rough skin was irritating Seonghwa's face. Now it was smooth like a newborn. "You feel and look different"
"Is it a problem?"
"Of course not" Seonghwa didn't stop smoothing his cheeks even for a second, looking right into his eyes.
"Just wanted to take care of myself" Hongjoong confessed, laying his hand on the top of Seonghwa's.
After all, now he had someone who was worthy to take care of himself.
They ate breakfast together, which was pancakes with chocolate, whipped cream, and strawberries. Hongjoong had to wake up two hours earlier, go to the store, and teach himself in a few seconds how to fry pancakes. But it was worth the delightful humming that Seonghwa was doing while eating. Having Seonghwa smiling and in a nice mood was everything that Hongjoong needed to achieve his own happiness.
They didn't leave bed before noon and even if they didn't talk too much, they enjoyed that time. Hongjoong kept Seonghwa in his arms, tracing hands around his back or arms, sometimes diving into Seonghwa's fluffy hair the same as his nose. He held him tightly. He was just scared, that it was just a dream although just yesterday he would be grateful it came out as a pretty dream.
But everything that is pretty has its ugly end.
"Would you stay?" Asked Hongjoong, still lying in bed, while Seonghwa was already after a shower, fully clothed, and was collecting his things from the whole flat, to put them into the case.
The silence after Hongjoong's question was heavy. Just like on a Thursday evening. Just like then when Seonghwa came. It was overwhelming. Now, Hongjoong really was scared to move even a little. What if a pretty dream changed into a nightmare?
"You know... I came here to finish things connected with my mom's death..." Seonghwa started calmly, watching Hongjoong's reaction. "I have my own life in the capital. I can't stay here..."
"Leave"
The word was firm, deprived of any warm emotions. The dream changed into a nightmare.
"Hongjoong..."
"You're deaf or something? I said 'leave'" he got up, grabbed Seonghwa by the collar of his shirt to lift him and look into his eyes.
They both changed in a second. Hongjoong was mad, but besides that, in his eyes could be noticed sadness. Hongjoong was disappointed. And he felt betrayed once again... He had the eyes of a small boy just like on that August day.
Seonghwa was scared. Hongjoong seemed mad, ready to hurt him in the process. He had no way out of his hold.
"You have come here and ruined my life once again. For what? Is it fun to you?" Hongjoong pushed him into a wall, still keeping eye contact. "I'm asking! Is it fucking fun to you?"
"Hongjoong no..."
He didn't know who was more stupid: Seonghwa who came back or he because he believed someone would love him and never leave him. Did he ask for too much? Just one person who would be with him. Apparently, it was too much. His life was full of disappointments, but that one, hurt his soul even more than 15 years before. He was stupid, and Seonghwa would never change.
"Get the fuck out of here. Now!"
Seonghwa left in a hurry, grabbing all his things and he didn't even tie his laces, just to leave that flat before Hongjoong would hurt him for real.
As soon as Seonghwa closed the door, Hongjoong went mad for real, destroying everything that was around him: plates on the counters, vases, and clothes. Then he started crying. Everything inside of him was buzzing, he couldn't find any relief, just destroying or crying so much, just like a vulnerable kid. Helpless, stupid kid. He sat in the corner, trying to hide, because of how pathetic and weak he was. It was so embarrassing. Tears didn't want to stop running, his body was shaking and he couldn't calm down. His hands went to his hair, gripping it, hoping the physical pain would soothe the emotional. But it wasn't helping at all. Everything inside of him wanted to cry and scream just to get rid of the emotions inside of him. He didn't want that small boy to win. He didn't want to remember Seonghwa. He wanted to go back to the state from Thursday morning when nothing mattered, he just existed from day to day, but at least without stupid emotions. He wanted Seonghwa to be dead in his head again.
But it was impossible.
"Seonghwa!" He screamed, running towards the man who didn't get far.
He didn't even remember why he decided to find him. He just remembered the light and warmth he felt when Seonghwa was next to him. He felt delightful. He needed it. No matter what.
"Seonghwa, I'm sorry" he managed to say, when he finally faced the other man. "I didn't control my emotions. Everything just exploded inside of me. I'm sorry" The grip on Seonghwa's arm was strong, like he was afraid he would leave. "Seonghwa I... Nevermind. I'm going with you. Just ruin my life again. And again. And fucking again. I'm ready if that means you will be with me and I will be with you. Even for a while. Even for a short moment. Just... Just ruin me if that means I can love you again..."
They stood in the rain for a good few minutes, looking into each other's eyes until their lips met in a kiss. Hongjoong's tears mixed with rain, but he didn't want to hold his emotions anymore. If he was sad, he wanted to show and feel it. If he was happy, he wanted to show and feel it too. He could feel everything, as long as he was with Seonghwa. He didn't care what would happen the next day. He just wanted to be with Seonghwa. Feel and live.
"For that one day, I could've felt I live..."