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The renowned prosecutor couldn’t help but find himself slightly disappointed. Wright had returned to the waiting room far more lucid than anticipated. Edgeworth had heard tales of others who had made complete buffoons of themselves in the wake of having their wisdom teeth extracted. Of course, his offer to drive Wright home was - at its heart - a noble one. He wasn’t about to let his friend and colleague bike all the way to his residence while still under the effects of the heavy medication administered before for the procedure. Still, Edgeworth would be lying if he denied his eagerness to watch his rival humiliate himself, just a little. It seemed a proper payment - to walk away with an amusing anecdote to be brought up at an opportune time at the other man’s expense. Perhaps in court.
But Wright had emerged with his apparent wits about him, the only evidence of the surgery being the gauze in his mouth that slightly muffled his speech. Perhaps Edgeworth shouldn’t have been surprised. He knew that man was a resilient one.
It wasn’t until the third time that Wright said, “Hey, thanks for all your help today, Edgeworth - it means a lot!” verbatim, in the exact same cadence he had the previous two times, that the prosecutor began to suspect that the defense attorney was not in total control of his mental facilities. Edgeworth smirked to himself as he continued to drive, opting to keep a mental tab of how many times Wright repeated himself.
He was fully expecting the next words out of the other man’s mouth to be another repetition of the same phrase. As it turned out, they were not. Rather Wright said, with the sort of casually inquisitive tone one might assign to asking if you’d read a mildly interesting op-ed in the local paper, “Hey, Edgeworth, can I suck your dick?”
Edgeworth let out a startled, “Ghrk!” as the shock of the moment briefly and unwittingly caused him to slam his foot on the gas pedal, sending the car lurching forward. Thankfully this did not cause an accident, and he quickly eased the vehicle back into an appropriate speed. His heart was still racing when he cast an incredulous glance over at his companion.
Wright was looking at him with a genuinely innocent and slightly confused expression, clearly waiting for an answer.
Edgeworth returned his focus to the road and said nothing.
“Well, can I?” pressed Wright.
“Absolutely not.”
“How come?”
There were a great many perfectly valid reasons Edgeworth could give, but he settled on the one he considered to be of the highest importance. “You’re not lucid.”
“What the…? I am too lucid!”
“I assure you, you are not.”
“I am perfectly lucid! And, what’s more, I can prove it!” Wright began rifling through his pockets.
At this point Edgeworth was certain of two things. First, Wright had no idea exactly what he was looking for. Second, that whatever Wright did find in his pockets, he’d somehow shoehorn into relevancy.
What Edgeworth was much less sure of was the implications of Wright’s question. The man was clearly still heavily under the influence of the medication, and was not aware of what he was saying. Regardless, his comments didn’t materialize in a void. What would cause him to ask such a question? Some misplaced desire to express gratitude for the ride home? Some deep-seeded longing that had been heretofore unmentioned?
“Take that!”
Edgeworth looked over to see Wright holding out his identification card. “Your ID…?”
“Take a closer look, Mister Edgeworth,” said Wright with a smug smile, tapping the card. “You’ll notice that this has the word ‘DONOR’ printed on it. As I’m sure you’re aware, one must be in a sound state of mind to consent to becoming an organ donor. In other words…” Wright slammed a fist against the dashboard and fixed Edgeworth with a determined glare, “…it would be impossible for me to have this card unless I were, in fact, lucid!”
Edgeworth put all of his effort into giving Wright the most unimpressed look he could manage. “Truly your argument lacks any conceivable flaws.”
Wright’s eyes lit up. “So you’ll let me suck you off?”
Edgeworth looked back to the road. “No.”
Wright let out an exasperated sigh. “Oh, great. Now what’s the issue?”
“I don’t...” Edgeworth paused. To say he didn’t want it seemed a tad disingenuous, so he took a different approach. “You’re not qualified.”
“Not…?! What, is your junk accepting cover letters now?”
“My…” Edgeworth’s face scrunched up, “…don’t call it that.”
Wright closed his eyes, raised his head, and put a hand to his chest with a smile. “I’ll have you know I’m plenty qualified!”
Edgeworth took on a bemused expression. “Oh?”
“Yeah, that’s right! I have lips, a tongue, and experience!”
“You have experience?”
Wright faltered for a moment. “Well, I mean…not with other people, but…” Then, with more confidence, “I did try to give myself a blowjob back in college!”
Edgeworth blinked rapidly, caught off-guard. “And…how did that…turn out?”
“Uh…” Wright put a bashful hand on the back of his head, “…turns out it’s a lot more difficult to reach than you’d think.”
“I hardly believe that counts as ‘experience.’”
Wright looked annoyed. “Hey, well at least I tried! How many dicks have you sucked?”
“That is completely irrelevant to the matter at hand.”
Wright huffed out a frustrated grunt, crossed his arms, and leaned back in his seat.
Edgeworth rolled his eyes.
Wright paused for a moment before speaking again. “I’ll give you fifty dollars.”
“My body is not for sale and you don’t have fifty dollars to spare.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
The car fell into silence long enough that Edgeworth was convinced that the conversation was over. If he wanted it to be, that is. But the quiet sent his mind back to speculating – what, besides the drugs, had precipitated all this? Why would Wright, on any level of consciousness, be thinking such things?
If it were merely an unsophisticated attempt to repay Edgeworth’s kindness, it would be best if they never spoke of this again. Which would be easy enough – Wright likely wouldn’t remember anything from this car ride, and Edgeworth would certainly see no reason to bring it up.
But what if Wright’s inebriated advances were an indication of something greater? Hidden desires? Unspoken affections? Feelings that Miles himself knew all too well whenever he looked at that brilliant, moronic, selfless, foolhardy man who now sat silently next to him? Were that the case…were these crude advances but a small window into what Wright…what Phoenix truly wanted…then perhaps…one day…
He had to know for sure. Miles gripped the wheel and took a deep breath, steeling himself like a samurai. He cleared his throat. “If I may ask…” he said, and he felt Phoenix look over at him, “…why are you so…committed to this proposition?”
“Well,” explained Phoenix, “when the surgery was done, I asked the nurse for some water, but she said I shouldn’t have any for at least an hour after the surgery. And that was, like, ten minutes ago. And, see, I’m really thirsty, and…”
Positively enraged, Edgeworth swerved off the road, shifted the car into park, slammed his palms against the dashboard, and glared over at Wright. “That’s what this…?! You…?! Wright, do you honestly believe that if drinking water is too taxing for your mouth right now, performing fellatio would be an acceptable activity?!”
Wright took a moment to let the words sink in, a look of realization gradually registering on his face. “Huh.”
Edgeworth put his hands on top of the steering wheel and slammed his forehead on top of them, staying in that position for quite some time. Apparently Wright, in his drug-addled state of consciousness, had mistaken Edgeworth for a beverage dispenser. How dare he?! How could he?! This was positively unforgivable!
Of course, deep down Edgeworth knew it wasn’t that man’s fault. He wasn’t in his right mind. In reality, the wretched prosecutor had nobody to blame but himself. For entertaining a man who was out of his wits. For letting hope creep in for just a second. For having the audacity to believe that Phoenix Wright could ever really want him of all people.
Edgeworth attempted to mentally scavenge what little dignity he had left before he raised his head from the steering wheel. He looked over at Wright, who was staring absentmindedly out the window.
After a moment the defense attorney looked over and asked in a tone that indicated no recollection of their prior conversation, “Hey, Edgeworth, why are we stopped here?”
Edgeworth grunted angrily, put the car back into drive, and pulled back out onto the road.
“Yeesh, what’s his problem?” Wright muttered to himself.
The car ride continued in silence for a few blocks. Then Edgeworth heard Wright speak in a familiar cadence, sounding exactly as he had the first three times.
“Hey, thanks for all your help today, Edgeworth - it means a lot!”
“Indeed,” said Edgeworth, his voice devoid of emotion.
“I mean it, Miles. You’re always there for me. I really love you.”
Had Phoenix uttered these words five minutes ago, they might have given Miles pause. But now he knew to take everything that man said as platonically as possible.
“Likewise,” he sighed, immediately wishing he’d made more of an attempt to hide the defeat in his voice.
He could feel Phoenix watching him. For a moment, he could sense an aura of concern radiating from his colleague. But then it was gone. “I’m gonna rest my eyes for a bit,” announced Phoenix and proceeded to do just that.
Soon Phoenix’s breathing became steady and Miles allowed himself to gaze over at his friend.
Then Edgeworth looked back to the road, and the rest of the car ride passed without incident.