Chapter Text
Regulus kept his eyes closed. He knew they knew he was awake but if they were all going to talk about him like he wasn’t there, he may as well not be.
“Give me custody,” Sirius demanded for the umpteenth time, he had been harassing their parents like that for hours. Going round and round in circles, all of them deciding where Regulus should end up. Not like he got a say. Although, him trying to choose where he ended up was what got them all there in the first place.
“He needs to be in a facility,” His mother insisted, clearly done with this all. She had been done for a long time, he presumed. She hadn’t been the one to find him but clearly she felt inconvenienced either way.
Regulus focused his ears on the sound of the heart rate monitor beeping, it was a steady sound. Almost annoying but in a way he liked the rhythm. He wondered why they were all fighting so much. Either way he wouldn’t be wherever he was long.
“Clearly you don’t know what he needs!” His brother’s impassioned voice cut through his temporary bliss. Regulus sighed silently and opened his eyes. His mother and brother were standing at opposite sides of his bed. Regulus watched them argue over where he should go and wondered if either of them had missed fighting with each other.
His father sat off to the side, checking his phone and using his ‘business’ face. Regulus wasn’t sure what he did, but whatever it was it was more important than his own son’s suicide it seemed.
“I have had it with you,” His mother hissed, still unaware that her supposed ‘good’ son was now watching her with mild disinterest. “You up and leave him three years ago and now you want to take him away from me,”
“I wouldn’t need to take him away if you were such a shit mother,” Sirius argued, just like usual. Always blaming others and refusing to acknowledge that at the end of the day he was the one to leave.
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that,” His mother sounded shocked, Regulus wondered why. She had never tried to be a good mother. “I have provided him with everything,”
“Ah yes,” Sirius mocked “All the best schools and all the money in the world and yet he tried to drown himself,”
Regulus felt his heart raise slightly but no one in the room seemed to notice. He supposed he wouldn’t have bothered to notice him anyway. He wasn’t exactly special. Intelligent sure but he had no plans to do anything with it. As for his looks he knew he was fairly plain for the most part. The only interesting thing about him was the purple birthmark on his temple. And the old cuts across his thighs, but no one apart from his doctors had probably seen those.
“Maybe if his own brother didn’t hate him, he wouldn’t have done what he did,” His mother hissed. That was a good one, Sirius flinched and his mouth was shut tight. Regulus supposed that he didn’t think he had any part in it. However, Regulus was more of a realist. If he were a therapist he would say that Sirius’ abandonment created a sense of hopelessness within him that could never be filled. Leading to his desire to swallow a bunch of antidepressants and go for a nap in the lake behind his house. But then again, what did he know? He tried to kill himself after all.
Perhaps luckily for Sirius the doctor chose to come in at the moment. Her badge read Dr. Pomfrey, interesting name. Not that he was one to talk, he was named after two stars. She was ironically the first one to notice he was awake.
“Regulus,” she said, using the calm tone you were taught to use if you feared someone would try something crazy. He used to use it on his Aunt Lucretia back when the family pretended the scars on her wrist were a childhood accident. “How are you feeling?”
Regulus didn’t feel like talking so he didn’t, besides it was only a matter of time before a family member decided they knew what was best to say anyway.
“How long till we can get him transferred?” His mother demanded, clearly trying to silence Sirius on the matter.
“He doesn’t need to be transferred,” Sirius argued “He can live with me,”
“What? In squalor with your disgusting choices?” His mother shot back, trying to keep her voice down in the presence of a stranger.
Regulus could only imagine the hell she was going to release on her PR team come Monday. No way she would allow news of her only son’s suicide attempt - as she would refer to it - to reach general public knowledge.
If she had it her way he would disappear until deemed acceptable. Not that Regulus ever planned to be deemed acceptable.
“It’s better than being shipped off to some prison,” Sirius insisted, pleading with the doctor who seemed to be offering him some consideration.
“How long will it take to fix him?” Walburga asked, ignoring Sirius in favour of Dr Pomfrey.
“Excuse me?” The doctor asked, clearly unused to the Black version of tact.
“How long will it take to fix whatever caused him to do this?” His mother repeated faffing her hands about clearly frustrated with the doctor’s confusion.
“Maam,” The doctor sighed, mistaking the frustration for concern. “Your son tried to kill himself, and given his recent evaluation it’s clear that he has a long term history of depression. I’m sorry to say this but it could take years before he is completely healed,”
Regulus was surprised by the doctor’s level of optimism. Years seemed unattainable. His mother, on the other hand, seemed outraged at the suggestion. Regulus considered hiding under his blankets as it looked like she was about to throw a fit. Before she could though, his father spoke up for what seemed to be the first time since Regulus entered the hospital.
“Walburga,” he said, his voice imposing a level of silence over the room. Regulus watched as even Sirius seemed to force his mouth shut for the time being. “You have failed, it is clear,”
“I have not,” His mother insisted but next to his father she sounded like a scared woman. Not that Regulus would blame her, his father truly was a scary man. His mother may have been the one to raise him, shout at him and have her mood swings but she had been kind at points. Expressed pleasure when he had done exactly as she said, especially when he told her that Sirius had tried to contact him after he left but Regulus had refused him. His father, on the other hand, was never happy. Regulus had only seen him smile once, it was a small thing and it had been in a wedding photo. As a boy Regulus balanced between thinking it was because his father had been happy to marry his cousin, or because he knew the optics would be better if he smiled in the photo.
Still, his father was the true commander of the family, despite what everyone else seemed to think. His word was final, Regulus just seemed to be the only one to realise that.
“No matter,” His father continued, although Regulus could tell he thought his wife was to blame “Bellatrix’s family, the Lestranges have sons that understand our values and aren’t as weak,”
His father said the last word like it caused him personal pain to do so. Walburga looked at him in shock as he realised what he was saying.
“What about the bloodline?” She pleaded
“Blood is not the mode of business, give the ingrate the boy if that’s what he so pleases,” his father said, clearly done with the conversation already. His mother looked ready to protest and Regulus was struck with the sudden realisation that she might love him.
“Enough hysterics,” Orion said calmly “I have already had the lawyers transfer custody,”
“You cannot do that without my signature,” Walburga insisted, now hysterical
“Your consent is merely a formality,” Orion said, adjusting himself to leave. “We are done here,”
Walburga looked at Regulus one final time and Regulus could not tell what was in her eyes. He could not find it in himself to say goodbye so after a moment she stormed out and Regulus supposed that would be the last time he ever saw her.
“Do not contact me about him,” Orion said finally, although Regulus could not tell if he was talking to Sirius or the doctor. He supposed it didn’t matter as his father left shortly after that.
Sirius turned to him and probably meant to give him an encouraging smile but all Regulus saw was the face of someone with no clue of what he was doing.
***
“So I don’t know how much they told you about me, but I live in a council building with Remus right now. You remember Remus from school?” Sirius said nervously as he steered the car out of the hospital.
He had been doing that a lot recently. Talking. Talking about his friends, his life, his work. Reminding Regulus of everything he had built since he left. Regulus didn’t respond, he had barely said a word in 72 hour stay at the hospital. Just the bare minimum so they knew his voice still worked, it was a surprise that he was let go so soon. But that was the NHS for you, constantly overcrowded and underfunded. He supposed it was a good thing, the sooner he could leave the sooner he could leave, permanently that time.
Regulus didn’t say anything as he watched Sirius struggle with the car. It was an old manual car that he claimed to borrow from his friend James. Regulus knew James Potter, after a while it was impossible to know Sirius and not know James. He didn’t remember much about him other than he was much better suited to being Sirius’ brother than Regulus ever was.
Sirius didn’t seem to be much of a good driver. Not that that mattered, if they crashed or not it was all the same to Regulus. Meaningless.
As they started driving down the streets of London he wondered where his classmates thought he was. He figured Pandora might be concerned. They were less of friends and more of people who ate lunch together and sat in class together because they couldn’t be bothered with everyone else. But she was always stuck in her own world anyway so he doubted she would notice his disappearance.
Evan might have noticed if he didn’t hate Regulus. Not that Regulus would blame him, if it was the other way around he might hate himself too.
Sirius was still nervously chattering but it didn’t sound like much to Regulus. Just mindless words to fill the silence. He lost track of time as they drove. Eventually stopping at what Sirius had described as a council estate.
Regulus had never been to one before, he assumed one of the students at school would go on a rant about his privilege and try to accuse him of being posh. But really Regulus hadn’t been anywhere but home and school for 17 years of life.
The buildings were tall and grey, looming over him to remind him he was always being watched. Not that he minded, the height would be useful. Easy to go down in a way that maybe would feel like flying. He had always wanted to fly when he was younger.
“So we’re not too high up,” Sirius said, ushering Regulus out of the car and into the building. Regulus followed behind him dutifully and observed that they were the only ones present at the time. Unsurprising, given that it was the middle of the school year and the middle of the day. “I had to argue with the council for a bit but since Remus had got a bad leg it wasn’t too difficult,”
Remus had a bad everything from what Regulus could remember. Bad legs, bad back, tons of scars. From what Regulus could remember he had been hit by some psycho driver when he was younger and had problems ever since. The only reason he cared was because Sirius could be so gentle with one person.
“James and the others wanted to be here to welcome you, but I figured you could use some rest,” Sirius explained as they reached the third floor. He looked to Regulus as if he was searching for approval. Regulus didn’t express outright displeasure but that seemed to be enough for Sirius who smiled at him. “It’s just Remus here, but I should tell you,”
Sirius paused meaningfully as if he was hoping for Regulus to say something. Regulus didn’t think an open ended statement warranted a response but he allowed himself to turn to Sirius to wait.
“We’re together, me and him,” Sirius said slowly as if Regulus wouldn’t understand “It’s part of the reason why I left,”
Regulus had suspected as much from the way Sirius would talk about Remus compared to his other friends. In the way Sirius had trained himself to stay still around Remus. They had been in different years at school which was how obvious it had been for Regulus to notice.
A younger version of him might have taken this as reason to dislike Remus. To hate him for making Sirius leave, now Regulus didn’t really care. Just another person in his life who would always put Sirius first.
At his silent reaction Sirius seemed nervous but he didn’t have much to go on because hadn’t really seen Regulus since he left. After a few moments he put his key in the lock and opened the door.
“Moons?” he called out, supposedly a stupid nickname. The sound of a cane methodically hitting the ground started and eventually Regulus came face to face with the one and only Remus Lupin.
“Hi,” Remus said, eyes flashing back and forth between the two brothers. Regulus could feel himself being assessed and studied. Not that he wasn’t used to it, doctors had spent the last three days trying to work him out with just one look.
“How are you?” This question was directed at Regulus but it was Sirius who answered.
“He’s mostly tired right now, I figured we’d let him get settled in first,” Sirius explained, Regulus could feel him pleading for Remus to go along with him.
“I can show you to your room if you’d like,” Remus offered instead and Regulus began walking because he couldn’t stand being there anymore. Remus led him down the hall and past what he assumed was their shared bedroom and the bathroom to a small room in the corner. “It’s not much but it’s manageable,”
Regulus stepped inside and sat on the bed. There was a window and a wardrobe there but not much else. He noted that anything potentially sharp was absent and that the door handle had been ‘broken’. His eyes flicked to the door and Remus noticed but sighed and shook his head.
“Probably best if we leave this open for now?” It was said like a question but Regulus knew it wasn’t one. Instead of answering he turned and lied down, eyes focused squarely on the view outside. He didn’t hear Remus sigh but he wouldn’t be surprised if he did. “Dinner will be ready in about an hour, I left some books for you in the living room in case you get bored. Come find us if you need anything,”
Regulus didn’t say anything and waited until Remus was gone until he turned to lie on his back. He listened to the sounds of his brother and Remus whispering and failing to do so.
“Are you sure he should be brought back here?” He heard Remus ask, a few pots banging as the two of them presumably started on what was sure to be an uncomfortable dinner.
“Yes,” Sirius insisted “You should have seen him in the hospital, he looked so small, I was scared he would get lost in the sheets,”
“I know, I know,” Remus said, clearly attempting to comfort Sirius “But are you sure you can handle this? You don’t have to you know,”
“I can,” Sirius said although it was more like he was comforting himself rather than Remus. “I’ve got you and the others, he’s got no one. Even our own parents gave up on him once they realised it wasn’t some quick fix,”
Sirius started cursing at that point and Regulus stopped listening. Not like Sirius had hope for him either, he thought but only to himself.
***
Regulus accidentally fell asleep it seemed because the next thing he knew Remus was waking him up for dinner.
“We’re having pasta,” Remus said, watching as Regulus slowly got up from the bed. “Sirius said it’s your favourite,”
Regulus chose to keep up with his silence and didn’t bother responding. Remus seemed to have accepted this fact and instead just led him towards the kitchen room.
A far cry from the luxury Sirius and he had as children but Regulus did not mind. Food didn’t taste like anything to him recently so why should it matter where he ate it? Remus ushered him to the table and Regulus sat down in a seat and waited for the nightmare to begin.
Sirius clearly seemed to have switched tactics, and instead of incessantly talking to Regulus had moved to rapidly moving around. Every time it looked like he was close to finishing he added one ‘finishing touch’ to the pot.
Regulus watched the whole affair for a while before wondering if he could just go back to sleep until Remus gently tapped Sirius to slow down. That seemed to do the trick because Sirius sat down and handed Regulus a mismatching plate.
“It’s not much but I promise it’s good,” Sirius said, back to his nervous chatter then. Regulus looked at the pasta in front of him and took a small bite. Sirius was watching him expectantly but Regulus couldn’t bring himself to react meaningfully.
“I got the recipe from Effie,” Sirius explained, anticipating that Regulus would still not speak.
“It’s good Pads,” Remus said, taking a big bite to show his approval. Sirius looked at him so lovingly and thankful that Regulus was left wondering what was wrong with him that he didn’t have anyone to look at him that way.
Even when he tried.
“So I was thinking we’d give you a few days to get used to the place before we start doing therapy and stuff,” Sirius began after he seemed down with his hopeless pining over his boyfriend. “Dr Pomfrey thought it might be good to give you a chance to settle in first and then we try building a routine,”
Regulus did not remember her saying this but he wasn’t surprised by that fact. Other than the comfort of everyone there being forced to care for him, the hospital wasn’t a place he dedicated much memory to.
Sirius and Remus both stared at him expectantly and he realised this wasn’t something he could silence his way out of. They seemed desperate to have his opinion on this. Regulus thought about speaking but all it did was make his tongue feel heavy and everything felt ten times worse. Instead he merely shrugged, more effort than the average person would have used but he didn’t consider it to be much of a feat. Yet Sirius and Remus both reacted like he had done a full serenade.
After that Sirius started talking about his work and explaining to Regulus that he was now a tattoo artist of some kind. Regulus didn’t say anything but inside he was slightly satisfied that Sirius would have something to focus on. Something to pour his energy into when it could no longer be directed at ‘fixing’ Regulus. Whenever he eventually realised that Regulus had been a lost cause since the moment he had been born.
Regulus managed to eat half his plate before pushing it away and leaving the room. He heard Sirius and Remus start talking as soon as he left but he couldn’t bother to care. He went straight to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Disappointingly but expectedly he found no sharp objects, or pills anywhere. It seemed the two of them were overly dedicated to keeping Regulus alive.
After five minutes of pointless searching Sirius knocked on the door.
“Are you okay in there?” He asked, sounding nervous “Can I get you anything?”
Regulus didn’t feel like having a heart to heart so he just flushed the toilet and opened the door to a worried Sirius’ face. Upon seeing the lack of injury Sirius smiled at him but Regulus did not return the favour.
Instead he walked into his temporary room and moved to shut the door behind him until he remembered Sirius would probably come banging down the door anyway and left it open.
What a fun last day.
***
The distance to the ground felt infinitely bigger now that Regulus was standing on the edge. Like something unconquerable.
He couldn’t see much, it was the middle of the night, or very early in the day. He had to wait until both Remus and Sirius were asleep to leave. Both of them, Sirius more so, seemed to find the worst excuses to check up on him periodically. Regulus supposed he couldn’t blame them, they thought they were helping.
Still, it was ages before they both fell asleep and even longer before Regulus felt safe leaving the flat. After that it had been a quick journey to the top floor and pushing open a rather heavy door and there he was. On the roof, ready to jump.
“Are you planning on jumping yet?” A voice shocked Regulus and he caught himself before he slipped. He was going to jump, it just wouldn’t because of some idiot.
He turned and stared at the person behind him. A boy, around Regulus’ age but maybe a year older. Regulus watched him approach from where he had been hiding in the shadows. Up close he had messy hair, and wild eyes that looked slightly insane. There was an air about him, the kind that said the only reason he hadn’t killed you yet was because he lost his knife in someone else.
“Are you mute or something?” The boy asked, now lighting a cigarette to stare at Regulus even more. “I asked if you’re going to jump yet,”
Regulus just stared at him, unsure of what he was supposed to say. The boy stared a little more, huffing before continuing.
“Listen if you’re not all mentally there, you can play in the playground down there. But if you kindly jump now it would be much appreciated, this is where I smoke,” The boy complained, his voice confused Regulus. Like he genuinely was okay with watching someone commit suicide so long as it stopped botheing him and his apparent addiction.
“The sight of a dead body doesn’t interrupt your smoking then,” Regulus said, his voice unused. It felt strange, like it was clawing its way out of him in order to challenge the stranger in front of him.
“So he speaks!” The boy exclaimed, clearly mocking him yet still somehow happy about this new revelation. “And no, yours won’t be the first dead body I’ve seen,”
That was strange. Regulus had seen dead bodies before, at funerals and such. But the way the boy said it, it was like he was talking about something else entirely. The boy smiled in such a deranged way it was almost as if he was dying to confess a murder to Regulus.
“So what did you do?” The boy asked, now content to stare at Regulus and smoke. Blowing the smoke directly towards Regulus, almost enticing him in with an addictive smell.
“What?” Regulus asked, unsure of what he meant by that.
“I’ve thought about jumping you know,” The boy continued as if this was casual conversation “Never wanted to do it, just needed to escape something I had done. So, what did you do?”
“I kissed my best friend,” Regulus found himself saying. Like he couldn’t help himself, he cursed his mind for being so desperate. So pathetic for jumping to talk to a crazy stranger, all because he seemed to understand what Regulus had done was the reason for all of this in the first place.
“Boring,” The boy said, “What, she didn’t like you?”
“He,” Regulus stressed “He didn’t like me,”
Evan hadn’t actually said that he didn’t like Regulus. But it was obvious, from the way he reacted. From the way he tried to convince Regulus that he didn’t know what he was feeling. Maybe he was confusing some hints he thought he had gotten, or something like that. Regulus had reacted badly, he knew that. He had cursed, and screamed and told Evan never to speak to him again. He had left school with no explanation and then tried to kill himself. Overall he had been a pretty shit friend.
“Lame,” the boy said, pulling Regulus out of his thoughts. His face had now turned mocking as if he couldn’t believe Regulus would kill himself over the end of his friendship.
“What would you know?” Regulus said defensively “It’s not like anyone would ever kiss you,”
“Oh don’t worry love,” The boy mocked “I’m sure you had your quiet gay cry somewhere. I’m just saying, the whole killing yourself homoerotically thing has been done before,”
“So you’re saying that just because I liked him I should find another reason to die,” Regulus asked incredulously. He had never met someone so bluntly homophobic. All the people he knew were more of the ‘repress yourself, have kids, then suffer silently’ type.
“Quite the contrary,” The boy said now mock serious “I think that there should be more diversity in gay people, we can’t all be sad over gayness. The straights get depression, money, marriage, we should too,”
“Are you quite done?” Regulus asked, contemplating coming back later when this deranged idiot would be gone.
“Just one more question,” the boy asked. Regulus figured it was best not to annoy a madman on a roof so waited for it. “How did you spend your last day?”
“Excuse me?” Regulus asked once again confused by the individual in front of him
“How did you spend your last day?” The boy in front of him repeated “I’ve always wondered what I would do for the last day of my life if I knew it was coming, so I figured I’d ask you for some inspiration,”
“I didn’t do anything,” Regulus answered “I came here from the hospital and had dinner,”
“What did you have for dinner then?” The boy asked “Surely you had a good last meal,”
“Pasta,” Regulus replied, now annoyed by the boy’s incessant question
“Well that’s just no good then,” the boy scoffed “I could definitely provide a much better last day alive,”
“I guess we’ll never know,” Regulus responded, contemplating ending the conversation there.
“We could,” The boy argued “Give me the day tomorrow, I bet I can give you the best last day ever,”
“I can’t exactly leave the flat,” Regulus argued, remembering the whole ‘being watched’ thing. He wasn’t even sure why he was entertaining the idea. “Besides, why would I spend the day with a crazy person?”
“You know you’re not meant to call crazy people crazy,” The boy told him “My name’s Barty,”
“That’s a plain name,” Regulus responded, Barty didn’t seem bothered by the comment though.
“It was my father’s he was a narcissist and couldn’t think of anything better,” Barty explained with ease “Besides if you’re planning on dying anyway, what’s the harm in spending the day with me?”
“Even if I wanted to,” Regulus clarified “I’m still being watched all the time,”
“All right,” Barty said thinking, it looked to be a great challenge to him but Regulus wasn’t surprised “Your keepers are asleep right now aren’t they?”
Regulus just shrugged at that and Barty smiled to himself.
“Okay,” He said, having a plan in mind it seemed “Tomorrow night, meet me up here at the same time and I’ll show you the best last night slash morning. After that, I’ll take you back up here and you can jump,”
“Why would you do that?” Regulus asked “You don’t owe me anything,”
“I’ve always fancied myself a bit like a Grimm Reaper, and you deserve a better send off to the other side than my other clients,” Barty said grinning again.
Regulus shouldn’t, he should just ignore Barty and go jump now. Save himself all the hassle. He turned to the edge again and looked but couldn’t help but think about what he might miss out. It had been so long since he had ever done something, and either way he knew it would only be one night. What would be the harm when it would all end anyway?
“Fine,” Regulus said, now stepping closer towards Barty now “But if you’re late I’m leaving a note saying you pushed me,”
“Lame,” Barty complained “Do something sexy and drag me down with you. I’ve already been on trial for murder,”
“I will slit your throat then mine,” Regulus said not entirely sure if he was joking. Barty just laughed at that and followed Regulus as he went to the door.
“What are you doing?” Regulus asked eventually as he made his way to the lift.
“Walking you home obviously,” Barty explained “A posh boy like you wouldn’t last two seconds around the crazy types in this area,”
“Aren’t you the crazy type?” Regulus asked, not sure why he was still entertaining this conversation. Perhaps he had lost a few brain cells when drowning.
“Sure, but I’ve got a fondness for you now,” Barty explained
“Mild obsession, more like,” Regulus countered, watching as the lift doors opened to his floor.
Barty followed him out and watched as he approached the door.
“Problem love?” Barty asked watching as Regulus just stared at the door.
“I didn’t exactly need a key,” Regulus explained, unsure of who would be better to answer the door. Sirius or Remus.
“No problem, love,” Barty said, smiling again before reaching into his trousers and pulling out a set of lockpicks.
In a matter of seconds he had the door open and was bowing as if he expected applause.
“So you really are a common criminal,” Regulus observed, ready to step inside now that he was overcome with a wave of tiredness.
“Only for you love,” Barty said with a wink
“I have a name you know,” Regulus pointed out
“Yet you have failed to give it to me,” Barty countered
“Regulus,” he supplied, waiting for the usual disbelief that came when anyone heard his name. Instead of asking why his parents would name him something like that, and then possibly going through the process of explaining that he named himself when he was 11 and had wanted a similar name to his brother; Barty merely gave him an assessing look for a moment.
“Plain name,” He said, calling back to Regulus’ earlier assessment of the name ‘Barty’. “I think I’ll stick with love,”
“Whatever,” Regulus said, too uncaring to bother correcting him.
“Goodnight,” Barty said with a new form of crazy smile. “Don’t be late tomorrow, I’ve got other things to do,”
“I assume arson is one of them,” Regulus said in lieu of goodnight before entering the flat.
As he closed the door firmly behind him, he wondered what he had gotten himself into.