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It was late afternoon just after the crew had finally finished loading the Revenge with much needed supplies. They’d been working all morning, having docked at the nearest port for some basic necessities, (mostly groceries, they’d been living off stale bread and whatever fish were biting for the past few days) and now that they’d restocked Roach was off cooking dinner. Based on just how excited he’d been Stede figured they’d all have at least an hour or two before it was ready, whatever it was. Roach, who was completely over the moon to have options to work with again, had refused to tell anyone what he was planning. Insisting it be a surprise.
“I am an artist and I finally have some decent ingredients so just let me work !” Was all he’d say before shoo-ing them away. No one was going to argue with that.
Now that the work was done everyone was left to their own devices for a while. Stede was looking forward to spending the remainder of the afternoon relaxing in the captains quarters with Ed doing nothing in particular.
Ed was back in his leathers for the first time today. They’d all thought that it’d be a bit odd to have Ed walking around on land in a sack and collar so with the okay from Lucius (the last holdout) the crew had agreed to end the probation.
Stede was happy to have him looking like his old self again, apart from the beard, all sprawled out on the couch with his feet up, taking up the whole thing.
He was busy fidgeting with a ring he’d swiped from Stede earlier this morning. ‘ Just borrowing ’ he’d said but Stede had told him to keep it.
“If I want it back I’ll just borrow it from you,” Stede had teased. “Anyway it suits you, the color looks good with your eyes.”
All of which was true, but mostly Stede just liked seeing Ed wear his things. Plus, he knew Ed would probably forget to give it back regardless.
Stede was busying himself stacking a few new books in his mostly empty library. He was particularly excited about a little book of fairytales he’d found down at the market. He hadn’t had any stories to read the crew since they returned to the ship, the few books left in the library were all maps and the like, certainly nothing that would make a good bedtime story. He was excited to surprise everyone with a story after dinner.
His entire book collection could fit on one shelf now, which he found oddly motivating. Now the more they traveled the more he could add to the library, little souvenirs from all their adventures. Before he’d just been endlessly gathering new books because that was the only adventure he could get. Each one felt special now, and he felt he took them less for granted.
“It’s actually quite nice to start fresh. I’d read all those old books a million times anyway. 'Out with the old in with the new' as they say- Oh! But we will need another copy of Pinocchio obviously,”
“Obviously,” Ed agreed, not looking up from the ring. “Plus, I think the crew may have forgotten most of it by now, I heard Archie call it ‘that story about the cursed demon puppet’ the other day,”
“Demon puppet?”
“Yeah,” Ed laughed, “Jim’s doing I’d reckon,”
“I think I’d like to hear their version.”
“Yeah mate if you’re looking for stories you haven’t heard before there you go.”
Stede sat down in the chair across from Ed and flipped absentmindedly through his new book, trying to decide which story he should read tonight.
“Maybe we can go back to the market tomorrow and try and find a copy.” He suggested.
Stede knew there was almost no chance they’d actually find one at that little market, he was just looking for an excuse to spend a day wandering around with Ed.
Ed smiled, “Probably best to wait for the next stop for that, we should get moving now that we’ve got what we need.” He replied, looking up at Stede.
“Any particular reason or is that just more sage advice from the great Blackbeard?” Stede joked.
“Eh both, but that Badmitton bloke is probably looking for us. No sense staying put any longer then we need to.” Ed replied.
Stede froze.
Oh yeah, I still haven’t told Ed about Badminton.
It’s not like he’d been avoiding it or anything, it was at least part due to forgetfulness. But also because he never really wanted to think about that night anymore then he needed to, and it hadn’t really come up until now so he hadn’t. But now seemed like the right time to fill Ed in.
Stede shut the book and set it aside.
“Well some good news, he’s dead actually.” Stede told him, maybe a bit too abruptly.
Ed looked up at him, looking surprised and a little amused.
“Wait really? Did you kill the bastard while I wasn’t looking?" He joked, looking proud almost.
Well… -ish.
Stede let out an awkward laugh. "Not exactly he uh, he kind of tried to kill me the night that-"
The night I left you.
"- that I was supposed to meet you."
The amusement faded from Ed's face, he stopped fidgeting.
"Wait what?" He looked concerned mixed with something else that Stede couldn't quite place.
"He tried to kill you?" Ed repeated.
Stede took a deep breath before continuing.
"Yeah uh, while I was sleeping he came in the rooms with a gun, lead me outside. He was going to shoot me but he was drunk, so before he could and he tripped and shot himself." He explained.
Ed just stared at him.
"Right through the eye." Stede continued, laughing awkwardly, trying in vein to keep the mood light.
"So, no need to worry about him! You’re still right though we should probably still leave tonight. Can't exactly afford to be caught by the British again, it's not as if they'll let us use the Act of Grace a second time."
Stede hoped that'd be the end of this conversation, but-
"The night at the dock?" Ed asked.
There it is.
"Yeah," He stopped smiling.
Ed sat up, focusing in on Stede. He could be hard to read at the best of times, but Stede could tell for this conversation it was going to be impossible.
"Why didn't- Why the hell didn't you tell me?” Ed asked, staring him down and tapping his foot, waiting for an explanation.
"I don't know I just-” He stopped for a moment, searching for the right words.
"I meant tell you everything but it just didn't seem important enough to bring up."
Ed scoffed, "Why the hell wouldn't it be important? You thought you were about to die right before ditching me and you think I wouldn't want to know that? You told me you just panicked!"
"I did panic! That was the truth!"
"Yeah but I thought you were panicked about me, not having a gun pressed against your fuckin face! You said we were moving too fast.”
"It was both I don't know!!"
Ed was angry now, he got up to pace around, getting too upset to sit still.
Stede expected him to be a bit sad, he didn’t enjoy thinking about what had happened that night either, but anger he didn't understand. At least not why he'd be more mad than he had been before, the result was still the same. Was it just that there'd been more to the story and he hasn't known? Was he mad at Stede? or Badminton? Both??
"I was pretty shaken up yeah, but I still had time, I knew the way, I knew you were waiting but I left anyway, what does it matter if there were extra steps before that."
"So what?? The fucker tried to kill you and you ran home right after I'm supposed to believe he had nothing to do with it?"
"Yeah but he didn't make me run, that was-"
"So you nearly being shot dead that night had nothing to do with why you left?" Ed demanded.
"That's not what I'm saying,"
It felt like Ed was trying to give him an out. Stede certainly didn't enjoy feeling like he failed Ed, but the truth was he had, and he'd learned his lesson about running in the process. He didn't want to lie and act like it was all on Badminton. That’d feel like running away all over again.
"I just don't think it mattered as much as-"
"Right sure it didn't matter. The man tried to kill you and right after you run home to your family? Seems like one hell of a factor to me, mate!"
"Sure but I still-"
"Would it even have happened if he hadn't-"
"I don't know but it doesn't-"
"-come around to fuck it all up for-"
"Ed listen that's not-"
"-us and scare you a-"
"ED, I DON’T CARE WHAT HE DID!" Stede yelled suddenly, shooting up from his chair up to meet Ed's eye. “I'M THE ONE WHO LEFT YOU IT WAS MY OWN DAMN FAULT!!"
Ed looked about as surprised as Stede was that he'd screamed at him like that, but Ed was talking a mile a minute and he had to put a stop to it somehow.
And it had worked, Ed still looked pissed off but at least he’d stopped talking so now Stede could try and explain things.
Stede took a breath to calm down.
"Sorry, it's just- it was me that hurt you alright? Not him, me. You're right I was fucking terrified, but to say that that's why I left would be a lie! I was panicking before he came, I'd found out I was legally dead, and I'd already felt guilty for abandoning my family and that made me feel even more guilty than I already had before and- and you'd just given yourself up to save me and you were about to give up even more I just-"
Was worried you'd find out I wasn't worth it.
"Look, there's no way to know what would have happened if he hadn't come, it's done. It's done and in this world I ran, I did that. It doesn't matter why I did it, I hurt you and I'm the one who you should blame."
Ed's face softened a bit which he took as a good sign, still mostly unreadable but it felt like a start.
"I don't care what he did to me Ed, he's dead. It's done. I don't need to pawn the blame off on some dead man."
Saying all of this out loud made him realize how much he needed Ed to hear it. He wanted him to know that he knew he was wrong, and how sorry he was. He moved in closer and reached out to grab Ed's hand. Ed just stared down at the floor rather than meet his eye.
"I'm the one who left without saying anything, I'm the one who panicked. That's the only part that matters to me. I left you, it was my fault and I'm sorry."
Stede took his other hand and tilted Ed's chin up so he could look into his eyes. "I'm sorry." He repeated.
Ed's brows remained furrowed but the edge of his mouth twitched up, fighting a smile. He pulled away and sat back down on the couch, letting out a sigh.
"Well, thank you, for saying all that,"
"I'll say it as much as-"
" But ," Ed interrupted, shooting a look that said ‘ my turn ’.
Understood.
Stede honestly had no idea what was going on in Ed's brain at this point so he was all ears.
"I still care about it even if you don't, the reasons you left I mean. I get he didn't stop you from meeting me or anything but, you'd still thought you were gonna die and, I don't know- That seems like the type of thing that'd make you want to see your family again, y'know? At least I imagine, not like I've ever had-" He trailed off, looking around the room, searching for words.
"I just would've liked to know that there was more going on, that there were other reasons you left. The ones about your family too, all of it, not to let you off the hook, but-" He started fidgeting with the ring again.
"I thought it was all just, me.”
Ed looked up at him with huge eyes.
God he was beautiful, Stede couldn’t help but think. He moved to sit down next Ed on the couch, no longer wanting to be more than a few inches away from him.
"I wish I'd known I wasn't the only thing that had you running is all, I might've felt less..."
Worthless, I made him feel worthless.
Stede felt like he'd swallowed a cannonball. In retrospect it was obvious why he would feel that way, but he just hadn't thought about it like that. He'd been so focused on how much he fucked up, he hadn't really thought about what the effect of that was on Ed besides just anger.
"You thought it was all your fault." He said, mostly to himself.
"Of fucking course I did Stede!" Ed raised his voice again, this time more hurt then angry. "I'd just put everything on the line and then you were gone! How the hell was I supposed to know the huge thing I just did wasn't what scared you off! You didn't tell me anything!"
It made perfect sense hearing it now, of course Ed was going to blame himself. It was just so easy for Stede to forget that Ed didn't think of himself the way he did, and Stede as usual had no inclination to blame Ed for any of this.
"I stayed up that whole night, at the dock, waiting, I didn't leave til morning, hoping you'd still show up."
God I fucked up.
It made his heart ache thinking about Ed sitting and waiting for him, hoping he'd still show up, that he was just late.
"I'm sorry I just- I should’ve know but I didn't think about it that way. It makes perfect sense hearing you say it but- I don't know you just seemed so angry at me and that made sense so that's all I was thinking about. I was so mad at myself too I didn't think- In my head it was so clearly all my fault I didn't think about you blaming yourself."
"I always blame myself Mate," Ed responded, his voice cold.
Stede flashed back to the day they'd first met. What he'd said when Stede was wearing his clothes.
“All the men who trusted you, all their bloods going to be on your hands, it's going to be your fault!”
Stede reached over to grab Ed's thigh.
"Well I never think to blame you, even when maybe I should, so it's easy to forget."
Ed gave a tiny smile, down at their hands. He started lightly running his thumb over a little scar on the back of Stede's hand, one of the scars he’d got from cutting himself during their sword fighting lessons.
"Ed I'm so fucking sorry, you didn't do anything wrong I never wanted to make you feel that way."
It made more sense now why Ed cared about Badminton. Being put in a fight or flight situation doesn't exactly make you good at considering other people's feelings, and if Ed had thought Stede had just decided to leave on his own he supposed being rattled by a near death experience did change things.
"I should've talked to you, I knew I should've talked to you, but I was scared. It's not as if you ever gave me a reason I just- I've been hiding my feelings my whole life! And the times I didn’t always backfired before. I was worried if I told you I had doubts that you’d change your mind."
Ed was maybe the one person on earth who hadn't made him feel lesser for having feelings. Maybe deep down he'd thought it was better to leave it at that, instead of risking what they had and being rejected again.
"It wasn't ever you Ed. I felt like a failure for getting caught, I felt guilty for leaving my family who I was supposed to take care of, just to have failed. I felt guilty for killing Nigel in the first place, I felt guilty you'd just given yourself up to save my life, and you were so ready to run away I just- I was worried you'd regret it. And then Badminton came and you're right he scared the hell out of me, and he repeated back to me a lot of what I was already worried about which did get in my head you’re right. None of it was anything you did.”
Stede wrapped an arm around Ed to pull him closer, leaving his hand on Ed's waist while he continued.
"You didn't do anything wrong. You were perfect you saved my life, twice! At least! And you were good enough to be honest with me, I just couldn't handle it. I didn't think I deserved it. So I ran before you realized what a failure I was."
Ed still didn't meet his eye, instead remaining focused on running his thumb over the rough skin on the back of Stede's hand.
"You're not a failure." Ed muttered softly.
Stede let out a small grin at that, "Thank you.”
Turns out they're good at talking, mostly, when they try. It felt good to get everything out in the open, and to hear what was going on in his puzzle of a brain. To Stede it was just more proof of how wrong he'd been for not talking it through before, maybe if they had it would've gone like this. Stede decided he should keep going, put everything on the table before he lost his nerve.
"Do you want to know what happened when I went home?" He asked.
"Hm?" Ed looked up and met Stede’s gaze for the first time in while.
"Well, you said you wanted to know my reasons for leaving, I think I'd like you to know why I came back," Stede squeezed his hand while he said it.
Ed gave that little smile again. “Yeah, I think maybe I'd like that.”
He took a deep breath and leaned back against the armrest, letting go of Stede's hand and getting settled on the couch, kicking his legs up and resting them in Stede's lap.
"Just don't make me jealous of your wife,"
Stede laughed, as if Ed had any reason to be jealous of Mary.
"Oh I’m sure this'll make you really jealous. As soon as I walked through the door, before Mary even said anything, she threw up on the floor."
"What the hell, really?"
"Yep. All over the good rug right in front of all her friends."
"Wow."
“Yeah, she wasn't too happy to have me back, clearly. I don't know why I would've expected anything else to be honest. It really was just a whim. We'd never had anything real before. Being away I'd forgotten all the things that made me want to leave, but when I got back they were all still right there, waiting for me."
Stede thought back to their family portrait with his empty figure blacked out.
"Everyone just, moved on without me. Alma was angry with me for it all, Louis had nearly forgotten me, and Mary, she'd built a whole new life!" It was still surreal to think about even now, all those years together and he barely knew her.
He went on, "She's a painter now, it's honestly amazing. I had no idea how talented she was. She made me that painting of that lighthouse for our anniversary so really I should've known it was important to her, but I never paid enough attention to notice. And now she's got this whole workshop full of paintings and- well it's incredible really there’s no other word for it."
"I told you not to make me jealous," Ed cut in, he was smiling but Stede guessed he was probably only halfway joking.
Stede snorted a laugh. Finding it laughable that Ed could be jealous of the wife he ran away from, twice.
He was genuinely happy that Mary had found that for herself, and genuinely impressed, but couldn’t really appreciate her work beyond ‘ Wow! that's beautiful! ’. He was happy she had Doug now, who could actually appreciate both her and her art the way they deserved to be.
"Don't be, what the hell do I know about art. Always been more of a reader." He gestured around to the empty shelves.
"And regardless, she fell in love with her painting teacher."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, Doug, he's great actually, kind, clearly genuinely cares for her."
"Good for her," Ed said no irony in his voice, no longer jealous.
“Yeah I'm really happy for her, now at least. I think I was jealous of Doug at first, not for being with Mary he just- well he fit in so easily, like he didn’t even have to try. I never knew how to do that. While I was gone he’d showed up and it just, worked. And she was so happy to have him there I could feel it. Meanwhile no one wanted anything to do with me and I fit in even less than I had before."
Ed looked at him with pure confusion, like he was baffled that someone wouldn't want Stede around.
"Some men at the bar had heard of me though, of The Gentleman Pirate."
"Ooh wow someone's famous," Ed joked, patting Stede's shoulder.
"Oh extremely," He said sarcastically, "Of course they asked about you as well,"
"Oh? And what did you tell them about ol’ Blackbeard?" He asked.
Stede smiled at the memory. "I told them you were lovely,"
"Lovely?" Ed furrowed his brow as he said it.
"Yeah," Stede chuckled thinking of the memory. "It's what came to mind first, ' he's absolutely lovely ', not what they were expecting, so I corrected to ‘ bloodthirsty killer ’ they seemed more interested in that."
"Well thank god for that we can't have people thinking I'm lovely," Ed joked.
"No couldn’t have that. It was nice though, being around people who wanted me there, for a while, but they kept buying me drinks and I ended up crashing the showing Mary had for her art, made a complete ass of myself."
“Damn, how much did you have?" Ed asked. Stede hadn't ever had more than a drink or two around Ed, it was probably strange to imagine Stede truly wasted.
"Lost count, people just kept buying me pints and before I knew it-," Stede shrugged.
Ed nodded knowingly, "Yeah that'll do it,"
He really didn't like to drink all that much, usually. But he hadn't wanted to refuse given that those guys were only people in town who wanted anything to do with him. Plus, getting drunk and telling stories felt better than anything else that had happened at home.
"Anyway, I crashed the showing, real embarrassing. Doug actually tried to calm me down, but he grabbed my shoulder from behind, and I slammed him against the table and held a cheese knife to his throat"
"What!?" Ed looked completely taken aback.
"Yeah, I think my words were 'unhand me or bleed’, if I’m remembering correctly? But god knows how much my memory of that night can be trusted."
"I think I might've liked to see that if I'm honest." Ed muttered quietly.
"Oh is it your turn to be jealous of Doug now?" Stede joked.
“No, maybe,” He smirked, briefly breaking eye contact. He almost looked embarrassed.
It was only a joke, but Stede filed that piece of information away for later. Although he had a feeling if tried to surprise Ed with that trick he'd be the one who ended up slammed on the table.
"Wait hold on, they have knives just for cheese?" Ed asked suddenly.
Stede laughed, ”They've got tongs just for snails Ed, of course there's a knife just for cheese. Sometimes they’ll even have different knives for different cheeses.” He told him.
"Rich people are fucking insane, I'll never understand it," Ed shook his head. "A knife is a knife is a knife. Why complicate it,"
"Honestly I think they make new ones just because they’re bored, it's dire." Stede joked.
"Anyway my memory gets kind of hazy after that, I don't really remember getting home, I remember trying to apologize to Mary before going to bed, probably poorly I don’t remember her saying anything back, but not much else."
"Sounds right," Ed responded, he didn't have to tell Stede he'd had his fair share of blackouts before.
"Now this you'll want to hear though, later that night, Mary tried to kill me."
"Mary tried to kill you?!" Ed leaned forward in disbelief.
"Yeah, this was on my third night back by the way. When I said she did not want me back home, I meant it."
"Fuuuck,"
“Yeah, she was going to stab me with a skewer while I was sleeping, in the ear hole, but I woke up before she could finish the job."
It was strange but Stede couldn't help but smile thinking about it, now that it was all over and done it just felt like a story. Luckily murder was Ed's comfort zone conversationally so he was right there with him.
"Whatthefuck a skewer? Why'd she even have that in there? just use a pillow you're in bed already," He said.
"That's exactly what I said!" Stede laughed, funny how they'd had the same reaction.
"Still it's creative though, quick if you do it right, not too messy, easy to hide the evidence since she'd have to worry about that." Ed said to himself, like he was genuinely weighing the pros and cons of the situation.
"Are you, reviewing my ex wife's murder plan?"
"Yeah obviously, I've killed enough people I think I can have a professional opinion." Ed stated very matter of factly. It was a fair point.
“No comments about the attempted murder in general though?"
“Well yeah I mean, I was gonna kill you too, so," Ed just shrugged as if to say, who am I to judge.
Also fair, although Stede would given him more credit (as usual). After all, Ed had stopped because he wanted to. Mary on the other hand, well Stede felt pretty lucky he'd woken up.
“Honestly I don't even blame her. Looking back on it I really did just barge back into the life she made for herself and expect her to go along with it. Quite selfish of me really. Then I went and ruined her show and attacked Doug, I just- I can see where she was coming from," Stede laughed again, he hadn't expected to really get into this, pausing a moment getting lost thinking about his brief excursion back to his old life.
He didn't know why he'd thought things would be better this time when he got back. Mary had been right when she'd said he'd come back on a whim. Maybe he just hoped in his time away they would've missed him, but they'd all been better off without him.
As depressing as that was it did make leaving the second time far easier. Everyone was on the same page, he didn't have to feel guilty anymore. He’d got to say goodbye to his kids, and Mary. It all turned out fine in the end.
"So Mary tried to kill you, that's why you came back then?" Ed asked, breaking him out of his train of thought.
"No, Well I-, kind of I suppose but, not exactly." He said, thinking about it.
"Whatd'ya mean?"
"Well after I caught her we ended up just, sitting and talking. It was- odd, very odd, but also nice. Might've been the first time we'd been on the same page about anything. All those years it's the first time we had a real conversation."
Now that it was all in the past, Stede was actually grateful that he'd got to see Mary again. It had freed him from all the obligations he'd walked away from, and was never been able to fulfill, that neither of them had even wanted to fulfill in the first place. She did deserve happiness, and he was glad to have met the version of her that found it.
"It was- good. I still regret leaving, but it was good, for me at least, to have closure with Mary. I don't have to feel guilty about leaving anymore and it helped me realize what I really wanted.”
"To be back 'round people who don't want to kill you?" Ed joked.
Stede scoffed, ”If that's what I'd wanted do you think I'd have gone back to piracy ?"
“Eh, fair point,"
Stede smiled to himself, thinking about what they'd really talked about. He felt himself getting bit nervous, taking a deep breath before going on.
"We, we talked about Doug. I asked her what it felt like, to be in love. She told me about how happy she was with him, how they understood each other and just, fit. I've never seen her like that before, she looked so happy, happiest I’ve ever seen her actually, just from thinking about him, and talking about him."
Stede smiled at the memory of their conversation, it was the most affectionate they'd ever been with each other. Just two people talking, like old friends. Mary telling him with complete sincerity she hoped Stede found love too. Him whispering his confession, completely certain, and yet terrified, and she just smiled hugged him, giving him exactly what he'd needed. It was real and warm, a proper goodbye. Both of them knowing they could finally be loved by someone they chose, in lives they made for themselves. A last farewell to the old life that had been forced on both of them, an ending and a beginning.
"She told me she hoped I could find that too, and I told her I already had." Stede said looking over at Ed.
Ed was quiet, unlike murder this wasn't something to laugh about.
Stede gathered the courage to say the next part out loud.
"Every word she said, all of it reminded me of you, how I feel when I'm around you."
Ed’s brown eyes were huge now, his face frozen just staring at Stede. As always he was the single most beautiful person Stede had ever seen.
"I missed you, so much, the entire time I was there, but that's when I knew I had to come back. Seeing how happy she was with Doug, and then hearing her talk about him, I just thought 'why the hell did I run from that?'. I've never felt this way about anyone before I was confused and I think it scared me but, talking with Mary I thought well, what do I have to be afraid of? If that's love then I've found it."
Stede felt totally calm now, with it all out in the open. For the first time in his life he felt like everything would be okay, he found Ed again, and that's all that mattered.
Ed's mouth twitched in a little smile, like he was too overwhelmed to move all of his face right now but still couldn't keep everything in. God he looked so soft, somehow. With all the things he'd seen and done, and everything Stede had done to hurt him, how could he still look like that? So goddamn soft.
Eventually Stede broke eye contact, looking down at his hands with a small grin.
Ed remained still and quiet sat next to him, like he wasn't done processing everything Stede had said, so Stede continued.
"Anyway the next da-"
"Mate, just shut up," Ed interrupted, breaking his silence.
"Huh?" Stede looked up at him confused when Ed grabbed his head with both hands, yanking him over to kiss him so hard it felt like it'd bruise. Not that Stede minded. It was worth it, it was Ed. He wouldn't change a single thing.
He reached up to wrap his fingers in Ed's hair, melting into the kiss as soon as he registered it happening.
How on earth did I get so lucky?
Ed pulled away for a moment. "You're a maniac, you're fucking crazy, you're the best person I've ever met in my fucking life." Ed told him still gripping his face and shaking him a little with each word he said.
Maniac? He thought, but he didn't have time to say anything before Ed kissed him again, softer but with no less intensity than the first time. It's like after he unfroze all his emotions came out all at once and Stede was just along for the ride at this point.
He was trying his very best to match what Ed was doing and not escalate further, he wanted to let Ed decide what 'taking it slow' meant. He didn't have good frame of reference for what fast or slow meant really. His only relationship began with marriage and ended with him running away in the middle of the night, and then attempted murder, then faking his own death. Absolutely none of that felt applicable to the current situation. But he figured they'd only had that talk a couple days ago, and this alone was definitely new, so he didn't want to push any further.
As eager as he was he'd still only kissed Ed a handful of times. So maybe it would be nice to take his time getting used to this. So he kissed back, deep and slow. No expectations, just running his hands through Ed's hair, tracing the scars and tattoos that ran down his right arm. He'd kiss Ed for as long as he wanted.
He wanted to for quite a while as it turned out, at some point getting irritated at the awkward angle and just fully climbing in Stede's lap which made the whole ‘don't escalate’ plan far more of a challenge.
Stede tried his best to keep his hands in Ed's hair, which was barely even a sacrifice anyway. It backfired slightly when he pulled a bit and Ed responded with a moan, so he backed off and moved to rest his hands on Ed's waist.
Another thing to keep in mind for the future he thought
Ed pulled away after god knows how long, his arms hung around Stede’s shoulders, his forehead resting against Stede’s. Stede was more then content to just sit in the moment with Ed. The both of them just sat there, grinning like fools.
Breathing the same air.
Stede smiled at the though, wrapping his arms a bit tighter around Ed.
"How the hell do you do this to me man? You're so fucking, smooth ,” Ed murmured, breaking the silence.
“I’m smooth? " Stede echoed, surprised at his wording.
"Well I don't fucking know what else I'd call it, I'm going with smooth."
"Maybe you're just uniquely susceptible to my many charming attributes," Stede joked. .
"Oh yeah you've got fantastic attributes," Ed said sarcastically, Stede knew he meant it though.
“You're just so calm about all this. Feels like I always end up acting like a fucking schoolgirl, like I can’t even look directly at you."
Stede grinned up at him. Why be nervous? It was just Ed, and he's always been more comfortable around Ed than normal people. And after the talk they'd had he just felt like how he understood him better. Knowing more about what was going on in his head made Stede even more certain everything would be okay.
"I think I'm just- I'm not scared anymore. I panicked before but now I know I don't have anything to be afraid of."
Ed scrunched his face up, “Stop. Making. Me. Feel. Things. In the middle of the afternoon," Ed said through gritted teeth, shaking Stede by the shoulders in mock anger.
"I should say the same to you." Stede said pointedly, looking Ed up and down as he sat straddled across his lap.
"Right! Yeah shit sorry-" Ed stammered like he just realized where he was, climbing out of his lap to sit back down next to him.
Stede was tempted to stop him but to be honest, he was quite heavy, as was all the leather, and after all it's not like he was going anywhere.
"No no it's fine, don't be sorry." Stede told him, moving so they were right next to each other again and grabbing his hand. “But uh, is this allowed now?" He asked.
"Whatd'ya mean,"
"I mean can I kiss you like this if I want? I don't think I know what taking it slow means, I don't know what's allowed."
Ed reacted like he'd forgotten that conversation, maybe he had. It was so easy for Stede to get swept up in things with Ed he imagined it was probably the same way for him.
Whim proned , he thought.
"Yeah I think that's okay," He looked a bit embarrassed again.
"I just don't know how slow you want to go, my one relationship began with marriage, and you know how that went so-” Stede finished his sentence with a shrug.
"Right right yeah, yeah this is fine I think," Ed sat and thought for a second, "If you're not sure you can just ask me and I'll tell you, right?"
"Perfect," Stede smiled, pulling Ed in to kiss him again, just for a second this time, now that he knew he could. When he pulled away he moved to lean his head on Ed's shoulder and in return Ed draped an arm around him.
"Plus, it'd be a bit unfair of you to kiss me like that if I couldn't do it back," Stede said.
"Unfair?"
"Yeah, you just get to climb on top of me whenever you want but I have to be a gentleman about it? Unfair." He teased.
"What you want me to stop?"
"Oh god no,"
Ed laughed. "Well I'm not planning on it, so quit complaining."
“And what if I don't?" Stede moved to look him in the eyes as a challenge. "You gonna threaten to shoot me again?"
Ed smiled mischievously, "Nah mate," he put a hand on the back of Stede’s neck, pulling him in. Stede prepared for another kiss, but stopped when he felt the edge of Ed's dagger pressed lightly right above his collarbone.
“At this range I'd use the knife.”
Stede froze, his eyes going wide, suddenly very aware of his pulse.
"Cleaner this way, quieter too. No one would know but me." Ed whispered.
Oh, fuck.
Ed’s gaze wandered up and down from Stede’s face to his neck and back again, examining him. Clearly enjoying having the upper hand.
Stede swallowed, enjoying it too, he realized. He might be insane for this but fuck it. It's Ed, he trusts Ed.
He tilted his head back, exposing even more of his neck.
"Go ahead then."
Ed's eyes widened, Stede watched as the size of his pupils doubled in real time.
"Go on, Blackbeard , unless you’d miss me too much." He smirked.
“Careful,” Ed warned, holding the dagger perfectly still.
“What you're really gonna kill me?"
"No, but the urge to cut you is getting real tempting the more you keep talking.” He said quietly.
Ed dragged the blade higher up his throat and pulled him in a bit closer. Making the hair on the back of Stede’s neck stand up,
"Now you know how I feel." Stede whispered. He closed his eyes, leaning into it. "Your turn to control yourself.”
Anyone else would've thought twice about taunting Blackbeard like that, but not Stede. To him, he was just Ed, and Ed wouldn't hurt him. Well, at least he knew if he cut him it wouldn't be lethal. And honestly? Right now? He'd be fine with that.
Stede felt the dagger move up again until it was right under his chin. In response he just smiled.
"Fucking hell Stede," He felt the dagger leave his throat and then heard it clatter to the the floor.
Now that it was safe he unfroze, opening his eyes and tangling his hands in Ed's hair again.
"I win," Stede said softly, grinning.
"You really are a fucking lunatic," Ed whispered while he looked wide eyed at Stede. It was meant as a compliment, he could tell by the stars in his eyes.
Stede beamed back at him."You wouldn't like me if I wasn’t."
Ed leaned in to kiss him again, thank god. You could cut the tension in that room with a knife (no pun intended). This time Stede pressed forward making Ed lie back against the armrest and leaning down over him. He reached down to grab Ed's waist where his shirt rode up, wanting to feel his skin as much as possible.
"Hiya boys."
" Christ -"
Stede shot up to see Izzy leaning against the doorframe, grinning at them. How the man could've got there that quietly with a wooden leg was beyond him, though it's very possible he’d just been too distracted to have noticed.
"Hey Iz," Ed barely reacted, not even looking up at him, his hands not moving an inch from where they rested on Stede’s chest.
"Dinners up, if you aren't too busy, ” was all Izzy bothered to say before turning and leaving.
"Can't he knock??" Stede said, annoyed.
"Yeah he probably could," Ed replied. "I am hungry though, we've been here a while."
Stede looked out the window and noticed just how much lower the sun had gotten without him realizing.
Damn, we really have been in here a while.
Ed sat up and patted his shoulder, "Alright then, time for dinner."
"Oh fine," Stede huffed, in mock annoyance.
Ed laced his fingers with Stede's. "You can always kiss me again later." Ed reminded him.
Stede grinned back at him and looked down at their hands. He realized suddenly that Ed had the ring on his ring finger, left hand. He did normally wear a ring on that finger anyway but the fact that it was Stede's made his stomach flip a little, though he tried not to dwell on it.
"Okay, let's go see what Roach's big surprise is." Stede said as he let go and stood up to leave, while Ed retrieved his dagger from the floor.
“Wait, one sec though." Ed grabbed his shoulder to stop him before he left.
“Thank you, for telling me everything.” He said quietly.
Stede smiled, "Glad I could help." He was glad he had told him everything too. He felt like he’d taken a weight of his chest, one he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying.
"Oh! Remind me later though to tell you about how we faked my death."
Ed gave him that confused look again, "How you faked your- " He just shook his head and turned to leave. "Yeah I'll remind you after I've eaten I'm fucking starving.”
As Stede followed him out of the room, his eyes couldn't help but linger on Ed's left hand, smiling to himself. Thinking, we have all the time in the world.