Maybe one day

by Little_Anna

Summary:

TW: Eating disorders

After all, everyone is on a diet today. After all, it's not a bad thing that he wants to look good, that he wants to have the right weight. After all, he lives a healthy lifestyle all the time, after all, he is the one who has to remind his friends to eat. After all, nothing bad will happen if he tries to lose just a little weight. That's not a bad thing, right?

Chapter 1: 1. Popcorn

Dazai switches between various films on Netflix and hears Chuuya’s tired grunting that he has already watched it. Brunette doesn’t seem to give up and gives him more propositions. Still, it looks like a redhead has already watched even most Korean dramas. On the other hand, who can judge him? He spent almost two weeks at home, barely leaving his bed. All because of the stupid bet that resulted in Chuuya twisting his knee. And now, he deprived himself of attending club classes for two months. He’s happy that the doctor let him return to school after so short time, anyway.
Afterwards, he promised to wear his knee brace and not do any physical activity.

“Just choose something randomly; we don’t decide the other way around.”

“It’s not my fault that Chibi doesn’t do anything but watch series and eat ice-creams. Almost like a teenage girl after breaking up with her boyfriend,” Dazai murmurs; however, he did exactly what his friend proposed to do.

“It is your fault that I ended up like that!” Chuuya screams and pulls out to hit him, but the pain in his still unhealed knee stops him, “Fucking hell.”

“Ne, Chuuya, stop getting so excited. It’s not even a week since you have started walking again.”

Chuuya does not reply to this. He merely leans against the wall behind him and slides slowly down on the bed to remain in a strange, half-lying, half-sitting position. It is one of the best positions for him to be comfortable. His knee also does not hurt then. He looks at the screen of a TV with some action film on. Chuuya feels that he probably has already started to watch it, but something has to stop him from it, and he has never returned to it. Well, now is the chance to do it.

Dazai sits near him, but in the middle of the film, he lays down and puts his head on Chuuya’s belly, throwing the blanket over them. Redhead does not really pay attention to it, almost unconsciously putting his hand into the Brunet’s hair and scratching gently his head.

“Aren’t you too comfortable?” he asks because he would not be himself after all.
Dazai is silent for a moment and just moves his head on his new pillow, which causes Chuuya to laugh gently.

“It tickles, Dazai!”

“To be honest, Chuuya is more comfortable now.”

“Hm?”

“I’m serious. Your belly is softer than it was.”

Chuuya’s cheeks go red, and the hand that is in Dazai’s hair clutches firmly.

“What the fuck does it mean?”

“Well, I just think that you could put on weight recently. You stayed at home for weeks, after all. But hey, your belly is now the actual pillow!”

The angry redhead pretty much throws the boy from himself and covers himself with a blanket, moving away. His face becomes red from shame and embarrassment.

“I’m not fat”, he growls to the brunette, “In contrast to you, I am in great shape because my life doesn’t rely on eating shitty foods and starving for a week.”

A wry smile appears on Dazai’s face; he just can’t miss this opportunity. Especially when he sees how concerned Chuuya is at the thought that he might put on weight or stop having his perfect, well-muscled belly that many people were losing their minds over.

“But I didn’t say that you are fat. I’ve just pointed out that you are more… soft and fluffy,” and he reached to Chuuya’s cheek to prove his words and pinch it lightly.

Chuuya replies to him with a big kick, which throws him out of bed on the cold floor, but it is clear that it was more painful to Chuuya than him as he groans shortly after that.

“I swear if you say one more word…”

Dazai shrugs, goes up back on the bed and starts to watch a film as if nothing happened. Only sometimes, his hands or head appear a little too close to Chuuya’s arms and thighs, but rather because of the changing position or the desire to mess with him again. Considering how long they have known each other and how close – despite many arguments between them – friends they are, those short or delicate touches aren’t anything new. Chuuya doesn’t care when Dazai puts his head on his shoulder or accidentally touches his body with his long fingers. It’s not the problem. The problem is that the longer Chuuya thinks about today’s fight, the more he realises that Dazai can be right. More or less intentionally, he starts to touch his belly and thighs under the blanket. He involuntarily bites his lips when he notices the brunette is indeed right. His body has been solid and firm. And, of course, those muscles that he is so proud of and fights for them are still there. He still feels them under his fingers.

However, actually, the first thing he feels now is something soft and delicate, something that definitely isn’t a muscle. And he doesn’t like that. The longer he thinks about it, the more strongly he comes to the conclusion that, in fact, he hasn’t done anything for the past weeks. Well, to be honest, he can’t do very much because he finds it difficult to walk. So he has spent most of his time sitting or lying down, taking short walks around the apartment. And suddenly, he realises something. Chuuya is an abnormally active human, after all. Not only he has his club activities or every now and then all-night study sessions because he damn well has to study to get the best grades possible (and still sometimes needs Dazai’s help), but he also occasionally helps his sister run her cafe, plus he isn’t the type to spend most of his time at home. Therefore, no one has ever been surprised by how much food Chuuya can eat. And only one of his friends sometimes laughs where does he fit all of this in his small body (and this friend usually gets slapped for that). Chuuya has barely been able to get up recently. Still, the lack of physical activity doesn’t surprisingly influence the change in his eating habits. But apparently, he should. Redhead looks at the bowl of popcorn between him and Dazai. And even though he insisted on eating something while watching the film, he doesn’t think he’s hungry anymore.

 

Chuuya stands naked in front of a big mirror and looks at himself from every side. He has never measured himself and doesn’t pay much attention to his body. He indeed doesn’t have any problems with weight. For most of his life, he wants to put on weight to finally get muscles and look like a man, not a kid. What is specifically hard with short height and boyish beauty. He looks at his legs, which he has been proud of; they have been long and slender but strong and muscular even for his height. As he now looks at his thighs, he concludes that perhaps they are actually a little bigger than they had been. His abdomen also no longer has the perfectly defined muscles that could be seen moving whenever Chuuya breaths harder. Obviously, they didn’t disappear, but they were covered with a delicate fat layer. His arms aren’t as firm anymore as they were months ago. Sighing silently, Chuuya thinks that it won’t hurt to weigh himself. He knows by heart that number because of midterm medical check-ups in school. Besides, Chuuya’s weight has rather been the same for a year or two. That’s why he almost screams when he sees that he has gained 5 kg in the few weeks of his injury. Chuuya knows that when it comes to losing weight and putting on weight, it is healthy for this not to exceed a maximum of 1 kg per week. While he exceeds that limit by more than double.

Just take it easy; he tries to calm himself down in his own thoughts, although, as usual, it doesn’t help, and in a moment, his fist meets the cold wall, causing a loud bang throughout the bathroom. Just calm. However, the panic that has appeared in his head is not going away. Since he has been able to put on so much weight in such a short time, it is clear that it wouldn’t stop there. And that he has to do something about it. And fast. For probably the tenth time in the last fifteen minutes, Chuuya takes a deep breath, lets the air out and concentrates on finding a solution before he goes crazy. After all, he knows about proper nutrition. He has to because he has been shoving food down that damn mackerel’s throat for several years to get him to eat anything. So he knows full well that all he needs to do is start eating less. After all, it’s not that difficult. He’ll calculate himself a calorie deficit, and he’ll be fine, right? And then once he’s back to training, it will all work itself out, right?

Chapter 2: 2. The cafe

If anyone asks Chuuya what his favourite subject is, he won’t say PE. He has fun during those lessons and generally gets good marks. However, it isn’t the same as judo extra classes for him. Only then can he fully use his potential, concentrate excessively and relax at the same time. Even though there is more demanding training that leaves him exhausted and in pain, he never regrets it. He has always felt better after exercise than before.

However, PE doesn’t usually look like that. It was adjusted to an average student, so people like Chuuya – with great physical fitness – can never show their full potential. And those who have limited psychical skills usually feel disappointed and reluctant. And frankly, Nakahara isn’t surprised. No one ever waits for him during math classes when he doesn’t understand something, so it’s nothing strange that someone can feel the same about PE. Although, it’s easier to miss PE classes than math or don’t have to participate.

Nevertheless, it’s not his favourite subject primarily because it’s always boring and monotonous. Even the most enthusiastic volleyball fan would have enough of serving the ball after doing it three times a week.

Well, it’s still better to do boring and the same exercises than sit at the bench and stare off into space. And unfortunately, this is how PE has looked for Chuuya for some weeks. Since his doctor forbade him from any physical activities. The teacher also doesn’t let him take part in any exercise after seeing his knee. His judo trainer said that he doesn’t want to see him for at least the next two months, and if he shows up, this time will be prolonged to another four weeks.

So bored, Chuuya sits on the bench, looking at his classmates playing basketball five times during the last two weeks. Well, today, he isn’t alone, at least as he is accompanied by Tachihara, who is sitting next to him. Even though it was for completely different reasons, such prosaic as forgetting his PE kit.

“The trainer is complaining about your injury and absence recently”.

Redhead snorts, hearing that.

“It was him who threw me away two weeks ago.”

Tachihara smiles at him.

“Chuuya, you barely walked on your legs again but came to the training. Are you really surprised? Anyway, I think he’s already regretted it because he’s always complaining how there’s none who can help newbies with posture and punches. He tries but cannot always see everything”.

“You can help him, you know,” Chuuya says indifferently, but when his friend’s surprised face, he adds, ”Honestly, you are pretty good, Tachi.”

Tachihara smiles lightly, hearing the compliment from the redhead. However, he can feel his cheeks getting a little hot, so he changes the topic.

“By the way, how much longer your recovery will last?”

Chuuya shrugs and looks at the boys playing basketball again.

“Something around a month, I guess. For now, I can’t even take a step without pain in my fucking knee.”

Most of the students are engaged in a game, trying to block their opponents and score points. Most, but not Dazai, who tries to be as far from anyone and a ball as possible. Well, at least he passes the ball to his teammates when he accidentally gets it. But you can’t expect anything more from him.

In the end, the teacher asks him to switch with some other boy, who waits for his moments to play. The brunet, a little too energetic, comes to the bench and lays his head on Chuuya’s thighs.
“What the fuck are you doing?” the redhead growls at him; however, he doesn’t make any move to throw him away. Probably because it would hurt him as hell.

“Sh.. Chuuya’s tights are hard but comfortable. Let me rest, I played for a whole 10 minut3s.”

“You rather wonder like some vagabond.”

“Basketball is brutal, and I hate pain,” Dazai mutters in reply, “ What was that? Is Chuuya happy about me being so close?” he asks after a moment when he feels some vibrations under his head.

“As if,” Chuuya mutters angrily, “Head up, it’s my phone”.

When Dazai doesn’t lift a finger to get up, the redhead just picks up his head, pulls out his phone and puts the brunet’s head back on his knees. Tachihara just sits there, looks at them and holds back from saying anything. Chuuya sighs while reading a message from Kouyou. He was supposed to learn for the math test today because he absolutely doesn’t understand what has been happening in classes recently. If he doesn’t do anything about it, he will probably fail. But if his big sister asks him to help her in her café, who is he to deny?

Firstly – money; secondly – to be honest, Chuuya prefers to prepare meals and serve customers rather than learn new formulas that he doesn’t understand. But he would never say it to Kouyou. At the same time, when he’s replying to the message, Dazai suddenly gets up, moves away from the bench and starts pretending to be stretching. It’s only a few seconds later when the teacher shouts at him to stop screwing around and get back to playing immediately.

“Chuuya, are you busy after classes today? There is a new Italian restaurant near the school, and I was wondering if you would like to go there with me. You mentioned how much you fell in love with Italian desserts after your family trip to Medional.”

Chuuya smiles at the memory. He actually loves not only very sweet Italian desserts but also the whole cuisine of that country. However, he shakes his head a little reluctantly.
“Sorry, Tachi, but I can’t. I need to help Ane-san. One of her employees called in sick today.”

The redhead boy nods with understanding.

“Oh, right, no problem. Maybe another day?”

Before Chuuya even opens his mouth to agree, someone’s voice interrupts him.

“Ne, Chuuya, what did you make for lunch today? Hope it’s something with crab this time!”

“Fuck off. You should be grateful that I make anything for you!”

And probably if it’s not for the fact that Tachihara is still standing beside them, ready to react if necessary, and the realisation that no one needs a reprimand from the principal yet for starting a fight, Chuuya gives up on hitting Dasai and only reluctantly throws a bentou in his direction as he was dressing up in the locker room.

Of course, this still isn’t enough for the brunet to leave him alone because if Dazai wants to find him and ruin his day, he always succeeds. It is the same right now, too, when no matter how hard he tries to eat lunch in a lonely and quiet place to finally have a moment to himself, the brunet still has to show up about five minutes after him. And yes, Chuuya tries to run as little as possible and generally does joint-straining activities, but how someone so lazy and lacking in any physical skills is able to catch up with him, no one will apparently ever know. What’s more, not only did the fucking idiot not thank him for the bentou he had prepared for him (not that Chuuya expected him to, after all, he had been doing it for several years since they met, and Chuuya noticed that if Dazai wasn’t served food under his nose, he wouldn’t even touch it), but in addition he dared to complain about the vegetables. As if a small portion of carrots or other vegetables would kill him.

“Oi, Dazai, do you have any plans for the weekend?”

“I have a date with that pretty Hatsuyo from 3-2. I’ve heard that he sometimes writes melancholic poems, so her romantic soul may agree to commit a…,” he stops when the lid of bentou box hits him, “What’s that for?! Stop being jealous…!”

“I don’t want to hear about your weird fetish, you idiot,” Chuuya replies with a grimace on his face.

Dazai doesn’t really care about this remark. He only puts his chopstick and half-eaten lunch aside and asks:

“What does Chibi want from me?”

“Doesn’t matter if you have plans,” Chuuya just shrugs, finishing his meal and looks at unfinished Dazai’s lunch. How does he manage to survive if he eats so little? Or maybe it’s Chuuya who overeats?

“Oh, I can change them if only Chuuya asks me”.

Chuuya swallows loudly and replies, not looking at his friend.

“Just wanted to ask if you could help with maths. I don’t have time to do it on my own today cause I need to help Ane-san, and you… it’s always easier for me to understand something when you explain it.”

Dazai looks like he’s thinking very hard about something, and Chuuya almost asks him to forget about it, when the brunette says:

“We can do it Saturday morning. I sleep at yours on Friday, and I will help you right after we get up”.

Chuuya nods, quite delighted with that answer. Now he’s sure that he will learn for the test, and considering that he’ll meet with Dazai before his date saves him from hearing the brunette complain after being dumped.

 

“How can I help you?”

Chuuya prefers preparing meals, getting up in the morning to bake all the cakes or preparing fresh sandwiches. Dealing with tables and collecting orders is not something he is fond of, though it’s better than checking the cash register after the shift. And, of course, Ane-san told him he could just sit at the coffee machine or prepare only to take our orders, but his knee doesn’t bother him that much today, plus he always likes doing anything else than sitting in one place. Besides, he often likes to simply talk with customers if any of them has a problem choosing a dish. Contact with people who love the food at Kouyou Café as much as he does gives him great joy. Besides, today, in the middle of the week, there are a relatively large number of people, and the two waitresses, who usually have even too little work in the evenings, would now barely manage. So it’s all the better that Chuuya agrees to help with the table service as well. One person would never have been able to handle all the fuss.

“Hey, Chuuya!” the girl, exactly this one that has her shift today and would have to deal with all customers herself if not for Chuuya.

“Hi, Higuchi. What’s up?” he asks her, giving the note to one of the cooks and saying to them, “The lady asks to make her dish without cheese.”

“You can go on a break now if you want,” the blonde girl says after he finally looks at her, “All the orders are already collected, and I can handle the service on my own for 15 minutes.”

Chuuya hesitates for a moment but then shakes his head.

"It’s okay. I can make coffee and drinks, and you’ll handle the service."

Higuchi smiles and nods at this suggestion.

"Sure. But if you want to get something to eat or take a break, no problem."

It’s only now that Chuuya remembers that he hasn’t eaten since noon. Although his hunger has started to get the best of him earlier, it happened just at rush hour, and he didn’t even have much time to think about it. And now, about two hours later, he concludes that all in all, if he doesn’t eat lunch today, nothing bad will happen. Maybe he’ll eat something smaller at home in the evening, but in general, he’s going to cut back on his meals anyway, so one skip wouldn’t be a problem. Besides, he often skipped breakfast or lunch because of studying or training, and nothing bad happened. Maybe this is a way to do it all together. Indulge in one meal a day to eat less. It is certainly a lot simpler than making smaller portions because, first of all he doesn’t quite know how to make those smaller portions. Somehow, he never actually comes up with enough to make it smaller than it always is, and at the same time, not being hungry an hour later. Skipping lunch or breakfast is a bit easier; after all, plenty of people do that. He has heard from his friends and colleagues more than once about how they skipped lunch to lose weight. They all do it.

Besides, with a lot of commotion in the cafe, he also doesn’t have much time to think about his hunger. As time passes, he gets tired, and all he wants to do is go home and go to bed. Food doesn’t matter to him at all, then. So, too, when Kouyou tells him that he can leave early and she and Higuchi will take care of the cleaning, he doesn’t even protest. Not that it matters much to him, Ane-san wants to kill him for the mere fact that he serves customers with his damaged leg, but there isn’t much she can do after the fact. And so, he’s lucky that she doesn’t find out that he gave up his break because then he would probably never have been asked to help again. Chuuya also likes the quiet, family atmosphere in the cafe. He likes the people who work there because, thanks to Kouyou, each of them feels almost like a member of his family; they all know each other quite well, and Chuuya wouldn’t have imagined the place with any other staff. So when he goes to bed that night he thinks that all in all, along with limiting his meals and working extra, he might be able to lose weight fairly quickly and finally look like he used to.

Chapter 3: 3. A carrot

Chuuya sighs loudly when he realises that his weight still hasn’t changed even though he has limited meal sizes and has been walking every day (even though his knee still hurts). He has never measured himself, but he heard somewhere that when dieting it’s better to check if you lose any centimetres than rely only on a scale. Not thinking much of it, he searches through Kouyou’s shelf where she keeps her sewing machine, till he finds a tailor’s tape measure. He tries not to dwell on what number he can see there, just decides to do it as fast as possible and write it down in notes in his phone.

Right after he dresses up and goes to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. When drinking coffee, he calculates how many calories he plans to eat today. He looks suddenly at two bentous, that he prepared yesterday evening. Two, cause one is, of course, for this idiot of Dazai, who always forgets to bring his own food. Chuuya continues to calculate how many calories has his lunch today. Something around 500. At the same time, his today breakfast will be almost 200 calories, if he doesn’t use any sugar in his porridge. He's sure that for dinner he has to eat whatever Ane-san prepares and it’s not like eating a smaller portion works.

Looking between bentou and porridge, he decides that if he didn’t eat breakfast, he would feel unwell all day. On the other hand, he doesn’t need so much energy today, cause he doesn’t have many challenging classes today. And, Dazai will probably throw out all the vegetables that Chuuya put in an omelette as a side to chicken and rice, so he can them. And if Kouyou asks him why he didn’t take the second bentou to school, he just says that Dazai annoyed him with something and doesn’t deserve anything.

Redhead’s predictions prove to be right. In the beginning, Dazai tries to secretly move the vegetables on a tissue and throw them out, and when he fails, he just puts them on the bentou lid and passes to Chuuya.

“Eat your fucking veggies.”

“Chuuya isn’t eating, but expects from me that I will eat some green, tasteless plants.”

“I’m not hungry,” he replies, even though that’s not true. His body is used to regular meals and well, he doesn’t feel bad, but food has been on his mind for the past two hours. What’s more, as far as he can live with smaller portions (regardless of not being happy about it), sudden limitations of meals and forcing himself to survive with only a porridge a whole day, has to have consequences.

Dazai casts him a suspicious glance from under his fringe, only to immediately grab one of the discarded carrots with his chopsticks and forcibly put it into the surprised boy's mouth. The redhead begins to choke, but after a few seconds manages to control his breathing and swallows the now cold, though still slightly sweet vegetable.

“What the fuck? You tried to kill me with a carrot, cause you don’t want to eat it?”

The brunet shakes his head and picks up the second carrot, this time waiting for his friend to open his mouth.

“You were looking at food for the whole time we were talking. You have to be hungry. So? What happened that Chuuya forgot his bentou?”

“I didn’t. I just didn’t want to take it,” he murmurs and opens his mouth and lets Dazai feed him. Of course just for peace of mind and not because of hunger. “I told you that I’m on a diet and have decided that nothing will happen if I don’t eat lunch today.” He shrugs.

Hearing that, the brunette puts aside the radish that he holds and grabs the chicken bite instead. However, before he even gets to do anything, his attention is taken by a classmate, who asks him if he can talk with her for a moment. Dazai doesn’t really think about the answer, just puts his chopstick aside, gets up and disappears for three minutes. He perfectly knows about what she wants to talk with him, so he doesn’t need a lot of time to kindly deny. Fortunately, Chuuya is stil sitting at the desk and hasn’t run away from him. Yet.

“Have you got another date?” he asks casually.

Dazai smirks, returning to the food, and this time – to Chuuya’s relief – doesn’t try to feed his friend.

“Chibi’s jealous?”

Boy’s face twisted into a grimace of disgust, and even though he felt a little hungry a moment ago, now he totally lost his appetite.

“I’m just making sure that I still can use you as my math teacher at the weekend. Who would be jealous of someone like you?”

“Well, actually, she asks about you,” Dazai swallows food that he has put in his mouth, and after seeing Chuuya’s questioning look, he continues, “She wants to know if you seeing someone and if she has a chance and considers that I am the best source of knowledge about Chuuya, which I cannot den…”

“What did you say to her?” Chuuya’s trying to stay calm, but well it’s Dazai, after all.

Even though he can rely on him and the brunet has rather never hurt him consciously, there were times when he did something absolutely stupid and painful just because he thought that it was a great joke.

“Chuuya shouldn’t have stress so much. You will get wrinkles at the age of twenty”.

 

“You scum, what did you…”

“Chuuya has broken up with someting recently and it was a really serious relationship, so he’s not interested in any new ones. That what I told her,” the brunet replies, smiling at him and winking. The read head sighs with relief. He can see that Dazai is telling the truth and that he doesn’t even let anyone question his sexual orientation. It’s not that he hides it or is ashamed. But even though being non-heterosexual isn’t the simplest thing today and as much as Chuuya never feel bad about it, he knows that he shouldn’t brag about it. And not because it’s something bad, but because some people still don’t accept it. Of course, Chuuya likes to change it, but he also likes to graduate without problems and come back home safely. And Dazai never reveals his secret to anyone.

The last weeks were exhausting for Chuuya not only because of the amount of studies or shifts at work, but also cause Kouyou has started to pay attention to his diet. She hasn’t been pleased when he said her that he wanted to cut off every fat and high-calorie meals, and generally eat less. She repeats to him that he’s a young boy, still in his puberty and he needs food to grow. She still treats him as a son rather than a little brother.

On the other hand, his real mother doesn’t feel a responsibility to care about her child, so here we are.

In the end, Chuuya had to promise Kouyou that when he comes back to training, he will “start to eat normally” as she said. And she still doesn’t know about meals that he skips, whenever he can. And even though he has to wait to train judo again, he got permission to jog again after he had his knee brace removed. And it’s one of the best and the worst experiences in his life at the same time. He’s surprised how much he’s out of shape and how hard it’s for him to run his usual training. He even has to make a break several times to rest.

However, the worst thing happens when he’s coming back home – sweated, tired and mentally exhausted – he comes across no one other than Dazai. And not only him, but the tall brunet with a confident posture who stands next to him.

“Oh, well, I see you are so well-trained dog that you walk yourself…”

“Who the fuck are you calling a dog?!” Chuuya grabs Dazai by the collar, not minding his tired muscles in the slightest.

“It’s a little rude to throw yourself with fists at your friend,” Chuuya hears the voice of a boy standing next to him. He has a strong foreign accent and looks amused at Dazai and him.

“I don’t mind,” Dazai replies nonchalantly and looks at the shorter boy, “Chuuya, this is Fyodor. He’s that Russian student that I told you about”.

Chuuya glances at the boy once again and notices reluctantly that Fyodor isn’t only tall and skinny, but also very handsome. And if Dazai decides to spend his free afternoon with someone, he has to be absolutely interesting, too.

“Nakahara Chuuya,” he introduces himself through gritted teeth, “I’m sorry that we meet in such circumstances”.

“Oh, it’s not a problem,” Fyodor smiles warmly at him, but he looks back at Dazai almost immediately. His eyes are lilac and pretty. Does he use lenses? “We should hurry up, don’t we, Dazai?”

“Ah, yes, of course. Sorry, Chibi, but I promised to show Fyodor some good places in Yokohama. Don’t get lost on your way home!”

Chuuya just curses something quietly and says goodbye. However, he’s astonished that Dazai wants to show around Yokohama to anyone. He wouldn’t do it even for girls, who he tries to convince to double suicide or some other weird form of a date. And yet, he does it for some boy he knows only a couple of days? And who, additionally gives the impression of being as secretive and cunning as Dazai himself. But maybe he wants exactly that? After all, Dazai dates only tall, skinny women. It makes sense that he wants someone as handsome and intelligent as himself.

And for some reason, Chuuya feels much worse with his body and appearance. Especially, after seeing that Dazai has such great fun with this Russian guy. And Chuuya can’t get rid of the unpleasant feeling in his chest and of the awareness of what it means.

Notes:

I know it's been a while, but well, I'm hoping that someone is still reading this and has been waiting for this chapter.
In fact, I had most of it written a long time ago, but the last scene took me an awfully long time to write.
Let's hope the next ones will appear faster.

Chapter 4: 5. Ramen

Notes:

So, work sucks, you know? It gets you money, but it sucks everything else out of you in return.

[EDIT: I posted it, looked at first sentence and noticed a typo. Great.]

It has been a moth since Chuuya’s diet’s first day. It has been a month during which he slowly and responsibly reduced the size of his meals. After that, despite Ane-san’s angry and scared stares, he excludes sugar and all simple carbohydrates. Sometimes, he skips dinners or breakfasts, especially when he works at the café in the evenings. He denies every dinner invitation, and if he can’t find any good excuse, he just orders black coffee, explaining that he has already eaten.

This leads to a situation where Kouyou looks suspiciously at his plate every day and tells him that he is a growing boy who needs nutritional values. Chuuya doesn’t really listen to her, but he nods politely and promises he will eat more next time. The next time never comes.

“By the way… mom has called me recently,” he says casually during dinner one day when upset Kouyou glances at him.

“And what did she want?” she asks without any interest, reaching to one bowl, “If you don’t want to eat carbohydrates, eat some more salad at least.”

“She proposed to meet. Well, she actually was proposing it for some days, and I agreed. She wants to see you, too”.

The woman puts the chopsticks aside and looks at her brother with a chastening gaze as if he was seven years seven-year-old boy who spills the tea over her book.

“What?”

“Nothing. You haven’t mentioned that you talk with mom and you two have so great relationship.”

Chuuya drops his chopsticks angrily, which bounce back on the table and fall with a loud crack. It makes Kouyou even more irritated, but before she even manages to scold Chuuya for his manners, he speaks up first:

“You know that I don’t have any great relationship with her, god dammit!”

“Language, Chuuya. Moreover…”

“She said that she wants to talk with us again! That she regrets, and I know it probably won’t change anything, but she’s still our mother.”

The problem is that Kouyou perfectly knows and even understands what her brother is saying and why he behaves like that. But what he doesn’t know is that he relies only on his emotions at a given moment. He doesn’t think about the consequences of his decision, nor what was happening in their home six or seven years ago. Was he too young to remember that, or maybe he just doesn’t want to – she doesn’t know, but knows that every meeting with their mother will end poorly for Chuuya.

“It doesn’t change the fact that every attempt to talk with her is not good for us. It doesn’t change that she wasn’t there when we needed her the most. And don’t interrupt me,” she adds when he only opens his mouth. “I appreciate that you informed me about it, and in my opinion, meeting with her is unnecessary. But you are almost grown up and can make your own decisions. I would really think about what you want if I were you. And now, finish your dinner.”

Chuuya opens his mouth, but he closes it immediately and resigns. He stands up and leaves, murmuring that he’s not hungry anymore.
Kouyou’s sure that he left because he doesn’t want to argue more, and he probably runs out of arguments. However, she finds her victory a little bitter when she sees him closing the door after himself. When she thinks more about it, maybe she doesn’t really understand him. In the end, she has a mother for a longer time than him, and they both have different approaches to the world. Maybe the problem isn’t in their mother’s sudden willingness to meet them but in the fact that Kouyou doesn’t give Chuuya the maternal love and care he needs.
She sighs loudly and starts to clean the table and put leftovers in the fridge. Chuuya can eat it for lunch in school tomorrow, at least.

 

“Hi, sweetheart! I haven’t seen you in so long!” Chuuya’s mother hugs him tightly as if she really can’t enjoy enough their meeting. Chuuya isn’t used to being so close with and to her. He has never been used to such a warm and open relationship with her. From what he remembered of his childhood, his mother always gave him the impression that he had to earn affection, and when he asked for it too often as a young boy, he was scolded. It has ended up that any more intimate touch from his parents is something unheard of for him and made him slightly embarrassed. He found it much easier to deal with it around his father, who is just as embarrassed as he is, and whose distance is also due to entirely different reasons.

“Hi mom. Let’s sit, shall we?” he asks when he feels that the hug has lasted too long and they have started to block the passage in the café. The woman lets him out of her arms to sit gracefully at one of the tables and take the menu in her hands. The uncomfortable silence falls over them, and Chuuya casually looks through the menu, even though he doesn’t plan to order anything more than black coffee. After ordering, her mother gives him a questioning look.

“You’re not going to order anything more? You always loved sweets.”

Does Chuuya like sweets? Not so much as years ago, when he was still a child. Now, he likes baking pastries more than eating them. But on the other hand, his mother hasn’t really been in his life for several years. She has just showed up there from time to time. He realised with concern that Dazai knows much more about him than his own mother. And he trusts him more.

“Not really. I’m on a diet, actually”.

The woman grins and nods approvingly.

“I see. I’ve always worried that you will put on weight during puberty and you’ll be overweight. When I saw you, I have even started to think how to gently to point it out to you, but I see that my son is self-conscious and intelligent. I’m happy that you are trying to look good."

Chuuya smiles sluggishly, clenching his fists under the table. Didn’t last weeks change anything? If even now his mother is afraid to tell him that he doesn’t look good, how actually bad he looks? Is he really so fat? He bites his lip and holds his tongue. He’s not here for that.

“And what’s up? When we were talking last time, you said you’ve met someone…”

Chuuya knows that after the divorce, his parents will find other partners sooner or later. And he doesn’t feel resentful about it. He feels hurt that they sometimes (especially his mother) don’t devote him enough time and that Kouyou usually plays a mother’s role. He can accuse them of many other things, too, but he never minds that they try to make a life with someone else.

“Well, right, I’ve met, but…, “the woman pauses, waiting for the waiter to place their order in front of them and disappear into the back room, “I’m not sure if it’s something serious yet. I’m trying to focus on myself. After all, I deserve something from life, too, right? Anyway, how’s Kouyou doing? You said that you help her.”

Chuuya replies shortly, assuming that Kouyou would rather their mother know as little about her as possible. The longer the conversation goes on, the more he feels again that this woman is treating him neither as a child nor even as an adult son, but more like a schoolmate with whom she keeps in touch because they happen to live on the same street. Except that Chuuya lives in an anothercity and isn’t even an adult.
Considering that he grew up without a mother, every possible interaction with her fills him with hope that maybe they can make up for lost time, after all. He’s never really experienced how it is to have a mom, but he always hopes that maybe if he tries hard enough, he will earn her time.

Later that day, when he lays on his bed after his talk with Ane-san (she made it clear to him that it's his mother who should be ask for his time, not the other way around), he starts to think if it is an actual problem. Whether, in fact, his mother and their relationship are so dysfunctional and inappropriate that he should not try to rekindle it. Admittedly, he has never discussed such topics, but when he realises that one of his friends was in a similar situation to his, he decides there is nothing wrong with trying.

Chuuya
I have a strange question
How often do you see your father?

Tross
Now?
Almost never

Chuuya
Ok
When you lived in Yokohama

Tross
Idk Chuu
Once a week or two, I guess?
Depends when he worked
But at least once a month

Chuuya
Ok

Tross
Why you ask?
Hope you’re not interested in my father

Chuuya
Thanks
Wtf
Idiot
You’re disgusting

Tross
Don’t want you to be my stepmom

Chuuya
Fuck you
Was wondering if I see my mother often enough

 

Instead of another message, the phone screen displays a picture of a far too-smiling blond man and an incoming call.

“You talk again with your mother?” it’s the first thing that he hears after picking up, “How’s your knee, by the way?”

“She contacted me that she wants to meet. We talked for some time, but… I don’t know what to think about it. And my knee is ok. I can come back to training next week, even though going back to shape will be fucking hard.”

“I’m surprised that Kouyou-chan let you see her,” Albatross always has some kind of strange relationship with his sister. In comparison to Dazai or Akutagawa, to which she was successively either more negative than positive or purely neutral and professional, she shares an unparalleled bond with Albatross. It’s not anything romantic, but for some reason, Kouyou sometimes treats his friend as a replacement for herself. It never stops surprising Chuuya that she doesn’t mind how Albatross addresses her.

“Anyway, if you want my advice, do whatever you want. You can still see her, but you know, she left you both in fucked-up moment. If you feel that you do it out of duty or that you care more, leave it.”

“Thanks, I can always count on you,” Chuuya says with a wince, smiling sarcastically.

“Chuuya, someone who doesn’t appreciate you doesn’t deserve your time, right? I know that life without one parent or with a semi-present parent is shitty. But believe me, life with a shitty parent is much worse. And if you need a shoulder to cry, I’m always…”

“Ok, it’s enough, stop!” he almost screams on the phone, hearing only his friend’s hearty laugh in reply. “God, you’re worse than Dazai. Absolutely disgusting,” he sighs but smiles nevertheless, thanking himself for deciding to call after all, “And how’s college life, by the way? Have you passed those quizzes, finally?”

“Oh, so now you are interested in poor me, exiled in Tokyo!”

He feels better after that conversation, much better than after meeting his mom, and for a while he even stops thinking about the fact that he has another day of exercise and jogging ahead of him to finally reach his dream weight.

Tross changed your name to Step-Chuu.

 

He feels much worse in the coming days. Even though he starts to notice the results – the lower the number of the scale or the better appearance of his legs - getting up from bed becomes a big challenge.
Today, he’s exhausted. He couldn’t fall asleep for most of the night. And when he finally did, something woke him up several times. Even the cup of coffee for breakfast didn’t wake him up.
If it wasn’t enough, he forgot that he has his first judo training after two months brake. Well, he remembered about it yesterday evening, looking forward to it. But he forgot this morning. And even though his body kind of get used to the new diet, he knows that he should eat something before training.
In the end, he decided that shit happens. It’s not the first time he will train on an empty stomach. It’s not wise, but he doesn’t have any other choice. The school canteen and vending machines sell things that made him sick even before his diet.

Before class, Gin offers him cup of matcha, which he enthusiastically accepts and it helps him a bit at the beginning. The warm-up comes easily, and his body still remembers all of the judo postures and techniques before his forced break.
For the first time today, he feels truly well, being so excited that even the teacher asked him to calm down because he has barely finished his treatment and should take it easy. Everything’s good until he takes a short break to drink some water. At one point, he’s standing next to the wall, talking with Akutagawa about a new film coming into the cinema; the next he feels how his body becomes extremely heavy and weak at the same time. His ears start to ring and he’s unable to understand what the brunet is saying to him. At the same moment, he feels sick and the last thing he remembers is someone’s voice shouting his name before the darkness completely covers everything.

 

The first thing he sees after waking up is a brightly white ceiling. What comes right after is the unpleasant shrieking of his hungry stomach and headache. He sighs quietly. Damn, he couldn’t even enjoy fully this training.

“Oh, you’re awake.”

He shudders, puzzled, hearing someone’s voice, but completely relaxes instantly when he notices that it’s only Dazai. He sits on a chair next to him and reads a book. When he speaks, he doesn’t even look at Chuuya.
It looks like the brunet somehow convinced the teacher that he walks Chuuya home when he wakes up, and they don’t have to call his parents. Chuuya, in fact, appreciates it. If Kouyou or – even worse – his dad gets a phone call that he faints in the school, Chuuya won’t probably leave the hospital for a week.

“Did Chuuya eat anything today?”

Nakahara glances, surprised but also somewhat suspicious at him. Since when did Dazai care so much about his health?

“I guess I should be the one asking you”

“Oh, I ate tasty bentou, which was made by some irritating, small shrimp. Speaking about shrimps, they were perfectly fried, tempura ones. Crispy on the outside and soft inside. And…”

Chuuya knows what Dazai is trying to do. His very exact and graphic descriptions are supposed to embarrass Chuuya. As if the fact that he fainted from hunger isn’t enough.

“Ok, you won. I haven’t eaten anything today, “ he says, turning his head to the other side, “I overslept today cause I was studying for a math test. I didn’t manage to eat anything in the morning, and I was fucking angry that not only did I not get up on time, but I didn’t get much out of the study itself and…,” his babbling is interrupted by a slender finger that touches his lips. Dazai silences him with a single gesture and then smiles gently.

“Shh. I forgot that Chibi happens to be hangry. I take you for dinner before your anger and fasting make you shrink to microscopic size.”

As a reply, Chuuya slaps him on the head. But it isn’t a strong hit. Dazai doesn’t even fall from the chair, only stumbles a little. Chuuya has noticed recently that he has become slower, lost some of his strength, and has weaker hits. At the beginning, he thought that it’s caused by his injury and forced break, but now that he thinks about it – it’s probably due to lack of sleep. He hasn’t slept well in last days, usually waking up in the night and hasn’t have the strength to get up. It must be the tiredness.
Anyway, Dazai’s proposition is tempting not only cause the brunet is paying but cause Chuuya’s starving, too. Well, it’s only one dinner, right? It shouldn’t affect his diet so much, right?

Well, Chuuya starts to doubt it, looking at his big bowl of ramen. Dazai insists that he choose the dish for Chuuya, claiming that this is the best thing that he ate last week and Chuuya has to try it. He even orders the same for himself, too.
The redhead reaches for the chopsticks, trying to assess with his eyes exactly what he has in front of him and how many calories it has. The broth is thick and light red. Chuuya guesses from its appearance alone that it’s probably thickened with coconut milk and rich in some curry spices. It’s not really Japanese style, but whatever Dazai likes. In addition to some of the standard vegetables and toppings which he can safely skip or eat, there are pieces of tempura-fried chicken floating around. Chuuya wonders if eating only vegetables and drinking broth won’t exceed his daily calorie intake.

“Chibi’s never eaten a ramen?”

Dazai’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and when he looks at him, he notices that the brunet has already eaten one-third of his dish. Fuck. Chuuya must have been watching his bowl for several minutes.

“Just wondering if you’re trying to poison me.”

Dazai laughs at that.

“Don’t fret about it, silly Chuuya. If I wanted to kill you, I would do it in such a way that no one would know about it.”

Well, he has a point. He’s still not absolutely convinced, so he promises himself that he won’t eat anything more today. He even has a good excuse to deny dinner at home now.
Still a little uncertain, he starts to eat the vegetables first, but soon, the hunger he has felt since the morning wins out over reason, and he almost wolfs down, unable not to smile under his breath at how good this ramen actually is.
It isn’t until they finish their meal and start to gather to leave that he realises how uncontrollably he ate. All the time he had tried to carefully choose what he ate, eating slowly and calmly - in that moment, he has done the absolute opposite of what he has set himself to do. He stands in a half-step for a moment, staring at his empty bowl and not believing that food could have controlled him that much. He feels that he definitely needs to be even stricter with himself; he can’t let small hunger affect his mind that much. No wonder he gained weight if he eats so mindlessly.

Chapter 5: Little girl

Chuuya reads the content of the task for the fourth time, wondering what is he supposed to do with all information provided. Maths has never been his strongest point, but it isn't his biggest enemy either. However, over the last few weeks, which he has spent either working in the café or adjusting his diet and workouts caused him to fall behind in the subject. And unfortunately, he belongs to that group of people who are only able to grasp complex mathematical theorems when someone explains it to them. He himself spent several days and nights trying to understand what quadratic equations are all about and how to calculate them, until he resignedly asked for Dazai’s help, with whom it took him less than an hour to learn the subject.

Speaking of him, the brunet is just sitting next to him, looking absent-mindedly out of the window and waiting for Chuuya to finish his assignment. He looks as if he’s deep in thought, and that typical smirk of his can’t be seen on his face. He looks younger with that gentle expression and slightly closed eyes. The redhead doesn't even notice that he has started to stare at his friend until that friend waves his hand in front of his eyes.

“Hey, Chuuya! I know that I’m extra handsome, but I would prefer you to finish your exercise first and then admire my beauty!”

Dazai’s voice rouses him and he realises that he’s staring. He quickly turns his head and sticks his gaze into his notebook.

“It just amazes me how stupid you look,” he murmurs half-heartedly.

“Oh, Chuuya, you don’t have to be ashamed that you look up to beautiful and great me! It’s an honour to…” he’s interrupted by the notebook that hits him in the face, “Chibi! I thought that you respect your own things, however what do I expect from the puppy…”

“Shut up and check it”.

Dazai nods with amusement and reaches for the notebook lying on the floor and smiles to himself. Without even looking at the contents of the exercise in the textbook, he reads what Chuuya had just written. After a moment, he takes a pen and marks something with it, then turns the notebook back to Chuuya and, pointing to one of the numbers he has crossed out, begins to explain something to him:

“All was going well until you count the final result. You have rewritten the number from the previous operation wrongly, so you got the wrong result,” he points out to him exactly where the boy made a mistake and what the correct result should be, “But apart from that, you understand what it's all about and how it should be counted, so I think it's ok.”

“Give me one more exercise,” Chuuya says eagerly, taking back his notebook.

Dazai sighs, peeking at his phone.

“Chibi understands the exercise and can use formulas. It’s not about of lack of ability just lack of precision in what you do.”

“I’m not leaving this room until I solve one problem fully.” Chuuya insists, already looking for similar exercise in the book.

“Chuuya, I need to go in ten minutes.”

“Oh, you can go,” Chuuya doesn’t even look at him, apparently noticing some interesting exercise, and immediately transcribing the information he needs, “I will send you the photo and you tell me if everything’s correct”.

Dazai tilts his head slightly, staring closely at Chuuya. How determined he is to solve the problem, looks for the needed formula or checking if he doesn’t rewrite something incorrectly. How focused he is every time Dazai tutors him and tries not to cry or throw a tantrum when he can’t so something. The brunet also doesn’t overlook that Chuuya starts to ask more for his help even though he’s mostly imprecise or makes stupid mistakes. He might be stupid, but not unintelligent by any means.

However, Chuuya’s always been too ambitious for his own good. He tries to be better from anyone else at anything. And Dazai kind of understand it.

What he doesn’t understand is how tired Chuuya becomes in recent weeks. He starts to have dark shades under his eyes and focus problem. He’s exhausted after his judo training or jogging, even though it has never happened before. Chuuya has never have any sleeping problems, but (as Dazai predicts) he probably worries too much about his studies and sacrifice the rest time to maintain his good grades, psychical fitness and image. He looks kind of traumatized by his last injury as if couple of months without sport activity was a death penalty.

“You sure you don’t overreact? Chuuya’s always been a workaholic, but you look even worse than before entrance exams.”

Chuuya only shrugs and slides the notebook to his side.

“I’m fine. Just trying to get back to old me before injury. Couple of days and tests, and all’ll be the same as always”.

Dazai doesn’t believe him, but fortunately for both of them, Chuuya has solved the next exercise without any mistake, and the brunet decides that he can let him be. He even reminds Chuuya to write an essay for Japanese class. It still requires time and effort, but it will be absolutely easier and more fun for Chuuya than doing math problems. Maybe he even takes a break or something.
Otherwise, Dazai will have to take care of this insufferable kid, because although he sincerely hates his tacky style, loud voice and overconfidence, Chuuya’s still his first and best friend. And clearly, by how long they have known each other, they are doomed for each other.

 

He feels relived when on the same day later, during his damn shopping trip with Elise (ugh, why did he even agree to it?), he meets Chuuya and Gin by an accident. Both look like they’re having fun and – wow – it’s been first time when Dazai sees the girl so openly laughing and smiling. He has never understood it, but Chibi has some magical power making people open up to him. It’s as if every person he talks with, automatically gains his energy. The two of them are leaving the café that the brunet’s about to enter with his younger sister, however, they stand halfway, noticing Dazai.

“It was such a good day…” Chuuya murmurs, and without even looking at the boy, he crouches down to welcome the girl, “Hi, Elise-chan! I see, that you have a special day today.”

Elise immediately lets go of Osamu's hand and beams at the sight of the redhead.

“Chuuya-kun! I’ve just convinced Osamu to buy me those cookies, that I got from you. They were supertasty!”

Chuuya smiles to her.

“Really? So you need to hurry up, I saw that they’re running out of those cookies, you know?!”

“What?!” Elise completely immers herself with conversation with Chuuya, who starts to tell her some make up stories, which Dazai doesn’t want listen to. Instead, he nods politely at Gin.

“I see that we both have to walk children today.”

Gin laughs lightly, despite Chuuya’s deathly glance and immediately follows by Elise showing her tongue.

“I’ve just wanted to free myself from my brother, who whines all day how he hates to spend his time with Nakajima-san and why they have to do a project in school together.”

“If you don't get along with your partner, you can choose another person by mutual consent? At least that is how it has always been with us, right Chuuya?” Dazai asks, receiving only nod in answer, as the redhead is now more engaged in talk with Elise about the dessert that she prepared for her dolls yesterday.

“Well, you can,” Gin nods, “but you have to want it”, she adds after a moment, and Dazai chuckles at that, “By the way, Chuuya’s right about the café. It’s really great, I don’t know about those pinguin-shaped cookies that your sister talks about it, but their cheesecake is definitely worth to try.”

“What’s your name?” Elise suddenly interrupts the brunette's conversation with Dazai, standing on confidently in front of the girl and resting her small hands on her hips. Akutagawa smiles slightly at the sight of the girl and kneels by her side.

“I’m Gin, and you?”

“Elise!” she exclaims, bowing her head, “Gin-chan! Chuuya-kun! Let’s go with us!”

Chuuya gazes uncertainly at the brunette and immediately begins to explain that they would be happy to go with them, if only it weren't for the fact that they now have some super important things to do. The addition of the prefix super apparently works quite well on the girl, because she immediately forgot about her request and starts asking what they’re going to do, but before the redhead even has time to answer her, Gin distracts her by saying that even such important things can wait and agrees to go shopping. Dazai, watching the whole thing from the sidelines, only says to the girl that she would have to look after the kid and the dog herself, but before Chuuya even thinks about hitting him for it, he’s already on the threshold of the patisserie. He himself has never been too keen on sweets and only eats them on some occasion - for example, when some girl gives him it. Of course, he appreciates good quality cakes or other treats, but sweet things aren’t rather on his list of favourite foods. He knows, however, that his sister loves all kinds of cakes, cookies, muffins, candies and a million other things in which sugar is the main ingredient. More often than not, she is taken on such shopping trips by her father, who is able to tolerate the girl's moody and fussy nature. For although Elise is very fond of sweets, she would never eat cheap pocky from the market.
Taught from birth to have good taste, she is only interested in the best pastries, preferably handmade and custom. Today's shopping is also strictly planned, and he has decided on it only because Chuuya recommended this shop to him, and acutely he can trust Nakahara one hundred per cent when it comes to any food.

After all, Chuuya loves food. Even his new diet is basically made by him and Dazai had seen Chuuya even weigh some of the products or calculate how many calories, protein or carbohydrates a dish has. Chuuya’s definitely an expert in this field and Dazai isn’t even surprised that Chuuya is so happy to help his sister at the café. So taking him with them here actually has a lot of advantages. Not only the fact that he is helping Elise choose the best muffin, but also the fact that if they turned out to be disgusting, he always has someone to blame (although there it’s highly unlikely that the blonde wouldn't like what Chuuya recommended to her. Probably also because of the affection she has for him). Furthermore, it is extremely amusing to watch Chuuya gazes longingly and even hungrily at all things on display behind the counter, unable to eat them. Chibi is truly hilarious in his determination and setting boundaries for himself, while at the same time not being able to cope with them.

 

A few days later, when Dazai has to watch Chuuya barely maintaining a straight posture in class, his eyelids drooping spontaneously almost every few minutes, the redhead's determination ceases to amuse and began to worry him. What's more, when lunch break starts Chuuya indifferently hands the brunet his bentou and immediately tells him he’s going to the library to study. Well, so probably fall asleep over the books in the next few minutes, wake up some time later and on the remnants of adrenaline keep studying. That way, all the effort and studying Chuuya do for the exams would have no effect if he takes them sleep-deprived and tired.

“Have you eaten breakfast, at all?” Dazai asks him, grabbing him by elbow and stopping him in his tracks.

The redhead doesn’t even notice that sudden closeness of his friend, doesn’t say anything mean to him, which already worries Dazai.

“Huh? I guess…”

Dazai decides to ignore that hesitant reply, cause he knows that even if Chuuya hasn’t eaten anything yet today, he will do so later. He’s too concerned about his health and the proper balance of meals or whatever other bullshit he was telling the brunet about to not care about the quality and frequency of his meals. But his sleep pattern is another matter.

“And how many hours you slept?” Dazai, for example, hasn’t slept yet, but it’s not about him now.

Chuuya only shrugs in reply.

“Chuuya’s stupid,” Dazai says, hitting the boy with the bentou box.

“Huh?!”

“You won’t remember anything from your study session, if you barely stand right now.”

“I don’t…”

“You have dozed off at least two times during lesson. And don’t even try to argue with him.”

Chuuya looks irritated, but he doesn’t do anything more, apart from saying reluctantly:

“I have too many things to do to sleep.”

“Since you're not going to eat now anyway, you might as well take a nap for that hour.”

“Like where?”

Chuuya begins to realise that by following Dazai he’s not in the library at all, nor is he in any place where he can peacefully fall asleep for a while. A light but more noticeable wind was blowing on the roof than at ground floor. He watches in disbelief as the brunet sits down on the ground, pulls off his jacket and points to his lap with a smile.

“What do you mean where? Here!” Dazai smiles, “I can cover you if you want!”

“You’re fucked up in head. I’m supposed to sleep on your knees?!”

“Exactly.”

“But…”

“We’ve known each other since childhood. We sleep in the same bed on camps at the age of eight. And now you’re worried about laying down on my knees? I’ve never though that I will be betrayed by my…”

“Shut up,” Chuuya grunts and obediently lay down, “I’m doing it just so you shut up. Wake me up when lunch break is over.”

And he’s out in less than five minutes. Dazai has always envied him this ability to fall asleep almost instantly, without much trouble. Now that he’s lying in his lap, close enough that the brunet can count all the freckles on his nose, he begins to see how much fatigue has taken its toll on Chuuya. Aside from the dark circles under his eyes, which can't be fully covered by concealer, his face is pale and looks slimmer. Maybe it’s just that play of light, but what certainly can't be blamed on that is Nakahara's protruding collarbones. Dazai has never paid much attention to his friend's appearance – well, he knows Chuuya’s handsome and that the original combination of red hair and blue eyes is already extremely attractive - but he can't help noticing how finer Chuuya's figure has become over the past few months. It isn't some drastic change, Chuuya has never been a bigger (or taller) person either, but even his muscles, which he has always been proud of, seem somehow less impressive lately. And this is only in the sense that Chuuya has simply lost weight.

And of course it is completely understandable, given that Chuuya is almost working himself to the bone to get the best results, but on the other hand - Dazai somehow isn't fond of this perpetually tired Chuuya. There is something about his workaholism and this sudden new diet that causes unpleasant feelings in the brunette. Every time he sees Chuuya just sitting next to him, eating nothing at school or ordering the smallest dishes or not finishing his lunch - something strange squeezes Dazai’s own stomach and wouldn't let him focus on anything else but whether the little shrimp is actually eating enough. Dazai doesn't doubt that Nakahara knows how to cook, surely he also knows how to make it less calorific but still filling. It isn't the problem. The problem is that the boy sometimes looks as if he is calculating in his head how many more bites he could eat, as if he is dreading the meeting where the food will be. And Dazai is well aware that he might be exaggerating, that his own mental problems on top of his insomnia could spoil his perception, but even now, when he looks at a sleeping, tired Chuuya, who again has probably not eaten anything since the morning, he can’t not get rid of this unpleasant feeling. What's more, all Dazai’s fatigue from the sleepless night has completely disappeared. He is much more focused on not letting any noise or gust of wind disturb the redhead's sleep. And if he wakes him up a little later than the agreed, and if he receives one or two kicks to the tibia for this, he still doesn’t regret it.

 

Fortunately for both of them, the exams went well enough that Chuuya is finally able to sleep one full night without worrying about them. Admittedly not without worrying about other things, but the momentary joy overshadows his other problems for a while. The suggestion of celebrating well passed exams was politely declined, however, assuring his sister that he would do so when their father will return from a business trip. Which, all in all, is already going to happen next week. And, of course, he probably wouldn't be able to reschedule it somehow by then, but at least until then he will come up with a plan on how to eat as little as possible without anyone knowing.

Anyway, he still doesn’t worry about it all that much, as he aced his exams and lost 5 kilograms. Also, because he can't wait for his father to come home. Given his job at an international company, which often sends him to many different conferences and meetings, unfortunately Chuuya hasn’t always have the opportunity to really spend time with his dad. Or at least not for the past few months. Fortunately for him, in the worst moments his father is always there for him. And, in the best moments too.

In the end, his father announced them not so long ago that he’s coming home for longer than ever to spend more time with his children. So when one day, at a very late hour, the door to the flat opens with a loud clatter, Chuuya expects his father. After all, he likes to spring such surprises sometimes and return on an earlier flight. What he hasn't expecting, however, is his Ane-san, all drenched and with obvious fatigue written all over her face, along with a little girl with dark hair who is hiding behind his sister’s back.

Notes:

Yea, so... I'm alive. I'm writting. Kinda. Has anyone ever told you that working sucks? Like a lot? I loved writting ff during my classes or boring lectures, but no... You need to be an adult and go to real job. Ugh.
Anyway, I will try to update more often. It's not a New Year's resolution because I'm already making it at the end of January. I hope it will come true.

Chapter 6: 6. Cigarettes

- Ane-san?
Chuuya freezes in mid-sentence, standing in the passageway between the corridor and the kitchen and looking in surprise at Kouyou, who very gently pulls the little girl behind her and, as soon as the door closes, crouches down beside her, starting to pull off her soaked coat and shoes.

“I'll show you where a bathroom is, so you can wash yourself, okay Kyouka-chan? You can do it yourself, can't you?”

She receives an almost imperceptible nod in reply. The brunette obediently lets the woman undress her and then leads to a bathroom. Kouyou pays no attention to her brother, being too busy looking for any clothes that would fit the girl. In the end, she has to settle for some of Chuuya’s already oversized T-shirt and socks that would definitely be too big for a girl. The redhead looks at all this stunned, and only when a bathroom door closes behind their guest, and Kouyou finally starts unpacking her things and pulling off her soaked clothes herself does he shout:

“Who is her! Did you kidnap a child?!”

His shout is followed by a quiet sob from behind the bathroom door and a noise as if something fell on the floor. Kouyou only gives him a murderous glance and disappears back into the other room, from where she only comes out after ten minutes. Without even looking at her brother, she sits down at the table and sighs deeply, burying her head in her hands. However, after a few seconds, she realises that she’s not alone in the kitchen and finally looks at Chuuya.

"This is my friend's daughter. I haven't seen her since she left for Tokyo after graduation. I was surprised the first time too."

Chuuya has to take a deep breath in and out to speak up. His shock and anger has softened somewhat after seeing the girl's reaction, but he still has no idea what is going on around him, and he doesn’t like that feeling. As quietly as he can, he pushes his chair away from the table and sits down next to his sister.

“I see, but where is your friend now? Do I know her at all?”

“I'm not sure. The first time I've seen her since high school was about a two weeks ago when she comes to the café with her daughter. We were really good friends, so... it wasn't hard for us to renew that contact quickly. And today, somehow before closing time Kyouka-chan came running into the cafe and started crying that something had happened to her mom. That she was lying on the floor and not getting up and her dad was nowhere to be found either.”

“What happened there?”, Chuuya almost shouts, but he lowers his voice at the last moment and clenches his fists to somehow manage his anger.

Kouyou looks at him with tired and worried eyes, then takes a deep breath and answers:

“I don't know. I took Kyouka with me and called the police; no one was at their flat anymore. I drove around various hospitals with the little one until finally we were able to find out where her mother was and what had happened.”

“Is she alright?”

Chuuya feels that this friend must have meant a lot more to Kouyou than she is conveying to him at the moment, but he decides to ask about it another time. For now, he focuses on understanding what happened and taking any action, because although Kouyou is - like him - a woman of action and focuses first on what do to and then on what she feels, it is clear that this situation is slowly overwhelming her.

“I don’t know,” she replies honestly. “They won’t tell me anything, cause I am not her family and Kyouka is too young for getting such information herself. She’s too shy and scared for that, anyway. I can’t do anything for her mom till morning, but I can give her some better place to sleep at night than a police station.”

“Right,” Chuuya already feels that his sister is not telling him something, but now he’s almost certain that she is hiding something important from him. But whatever, he'll think about it later, “What happened next?”

“Have you eaten dinner yet?”

Chuuya tries not to let it be known that he is lying.

“When you texted me that you’re going to be late, I went to eat out with Akutagawa. I didn’t want to eat alone. Anyway, what are your plans for tomorrow?”

Kouyou doesn’t look convinced, but she let it go and busy herself with preparing rice for dinner.

“I’ll go to the hospital with her. And after that to the police station or Akiko’s parents. I’ll try to get to know something. Kyouka-chan was too terrified to say anything, so I guess it takes a lot of time to deal with everything.”

“Do you want me to open the café tomorrow?”

Kouyou smiles slightly for the first time since she came back home.

“I would appreciate much. At eight o'clock a supply is due to arrive, so someone has to check it and unpack it. But Higuchi-san is coming on the morning shift, so you manage together. I think there will be someone else, too, but they've been switching shifts recently and I haven’t checked my phone yet.”

“Sure, no problem,” Chuuya wants to say something more, but then Kyouka comes out of the bathroom, clearly unsure if she is disturbing their conversation.

“Kyouka-chan,” Kouyou runs to her right away and grabs her hand, “The boy righ there is my little brother – Chuuya. Do you want to meet him?”

The girl gives him a long look and immediately hides behind the woman's dress, shaking her head. Chuuya stands up and, but doesn’t move from his place next to the table and waves at her.

“Hi, I’m Chuuya. I’m sorry I shouted. I didn’t want to scare you.”

Kyouka still stays behind Kouyou and observes him with her big, blue eyes.

“I hope you will see your mom tomorrow. I leave you with Ane-san now, so that you can have some time for yourself, ok? Good night.”

Chuuya doesn’t say anything more and only comes to his room, when at the last moment a gentle girl's voice calls out behind him:

“Good night, Chuuya-san.”

He only waves to her and closes the door after himself. He’s glad that Ane-san is so occupied with their little guest, that she didn’t dwell on his eating habits. He managed to survive whole day eating only rice porridge and small salad, and even though he feels hunger from time to time, it was a lot easier to deal with that than a couple days ago. He can’t stop now, when it finally starts to go well. Only some more weeks and he will be back to his shape.

Chuuya always appreciates the charm that mornings in café have. He likes the atmosphere and the possibilities that getting up early gives him, but on the other hand he knows that he would never do it so early willingly. He still adores observing how everything is still slowly waking up from its slumber, and he is able to prepare the cafe for customers without haste. When the smell of coffee is just beginning to waft through the room, and he can quietly listen to music and start preparing the first sandwiches that people usually take to go. He also unhurriedly accepts the ordered supply and begins to lay out the products in the back room, when he hears the sound of the door opening and immediately afterward the figure of a not-so-tall blonde woman appears before his eyes and gives him a puzzled look.

“Chuuya-san?”

“Oh, hi Higuchi,” he says, not even looking at her, “Kouyou has some things to do, so she asked me to open today.”

Kouyou isn’t just the owner of the café. She likes to work alongside her employees; she comes up with ideas for most of the dishes in menu, and sometimes she even asks patrons about their honest opinions. She does most of her official and formal business at home rather than in her so-called office, where she basically just organises the monthly meetings with employees and sees customers and suppliers, so she maintains a professional look.

But the truth was that what she loves most is being in the kitchen, together with all employees, and discussing with them all the new ideas and how the cafe should operate.

“Ugh, you could let me know. I was calling Kouyou-san several times to tell her I will be late. I even texted her cause she didn’t pick up…” he can sense the resignation in the girl's voice.

Redhead finally finishes setting up all the boxes and pulls his phone out of his pants pocket to check the time. They still have at least fifteen minutes before opening so even with Higuchi being late it’s not bad. Additionally, someone is coming for the afternoon shift.

“I also learned about it suddenly. Anyway, we still have pretty much time, so don’t worry,” Chuuya directly let her know that as long as she doesn't go into the café with the customers, he doesn't mind what time she comes in. “Go change and I wipe down the tables.”

He gets a nod and visible relief in the girl's eyes in reply, when she realizes that no attention has been paid to her for being late. The rest of the day passes quietly and quite pleasantly, he even has a moment to play another online game on his phone with Dazai at the break and angrily realizes that either this man has some kind of magical ability in cheating or he is actually some kind of genius when it comes to games, because he lost to him again.

What’s more, he spent almost off of his break time for playing with the brunette, and now he has no more than few minutes left. Gazing at his lunch that Ane-san prepares for him, cause: ‘I won’t let my brother take my shift for me and go hungry all day” and a watch, he has decided that he doesn’t have enough time for eating anyway. And eating fast isn’t healthy, right? Moreover, the longer he looks at his onigiri, the more he feels how cramped his stomach is. Nah, it’s totally not the good moment for food. But a stomach ache totally isn’t a contradiction for smoking a cigarette, Chuuya decides as he reaches for the packet with a quick movement, and goes out to smoke at the back of the cafe, taking advantage of the last moments of the break.

The next few hours pass quietly in general, certainly calmer than the last few weeks, which he spends alternating between training and studying. Compared to that, even the not inconsiderable queue of people does not pose a challenge for him. Besides, again, for Chuuya, cooking food is a pleasure. And he feels good about it, even if he is exhausted when he gets home and barely listens to what Dazai is saying to him on the phone.

“Mori is going to some conference again for whole week. So you can come with Atsushi.”

“Mhm.”

“I’ll beat you all in Mario Kart.”

Chuuya only murmurs something in reply, looking for his keys inside his pockets.

“Hey, Chibiiiiii!” He literally jumps, startled by Dazai’s loud scream in his headphones and drops his keys on the ground.

“Stop fucking shout in my ear!” He shouts back and reluctantly bends down for his things.
“What do you want?”

“Chuuya doesn’t listen to me. I feel ignored by…”

“I’m just tired.” Chuuya interrupts him, opening the door and closing them after himself. “These last weeks were a little hard for me.”

Dazai just grumbles something unintelligible, what’s probably meant to be a confirmation that he has taken note, and for a moment there is silence between them. In the meantime, Chuuya takes off his jacket and shoes, and even starts to unpacking his things from the backpack when he notices that he hasn’t heard the brunette’s voice for the last few minutes, and asks:

“Did you hang up?”

“Oh, so now Chuuya knows how I felt when he has been ignoring me for last ten minutes!”

Great, offended Dazai it’s exactly that he needs right now. Chuuya would rather not deal with upset brunette, especially that he promised to help him with Maths, even thought they have some days off from school. Chuuya wants to study most of the material ahead now, so that he wouldn't start falling behind again later because of the work at the cafe or training. A judo competition is coming up in a couple of months, and he is going to take part in it. Of course, there is still a long way to go before that, and he still has to get the green light from his doctor to be able to compete in them, but he talked to him about them before and he assured him that as long as there were no complications from the injury there would be no problem.

“My dad arrives next week. I will probably bake a cake or something. Want to come in then?”

Despite their everyday arguments and banters, Chuuya and Dazai feel really good in each other’s company. They met in childhood, they have no major secrets from each other, and barring situations where the brunet annoys Nakahra, they really like to spend time together for most of the time. The problem is that Chuuya feels that he wants to spend more time with Dazai. They’ve known each other for so long that it isn’t weird that they are touchy with each other or sleep on the same bed when situation requires it.

On the other hand, this touch has stopped being only friendly and neutral for Chuuya. He hasn’t paid his attention to it before, but recently he has realised that with no one does he get along as well as with the brunet. And in no one's company does he feel as comfortable.

“Chibiiii! So, you are a good man, after all! I can even come earlier! Actually, we should start preparations already tomorrow!”

“What? No, don’t come…”

But before Chuuya even says something, Dazai already hang up. Resigned, texts him that he would still talk to him about it, and then he realizes that, all in all, he hasn't even said hello to Kouyou. And he doesn't know if his sister is even home anymore and how things went with that girl. Instead of an answer, however, he finds his sister with a fever and a scratchy throat, half lying in her bed, but still trying to call someone. At the sight of him, she merely waves her hand and tells him to leave, as she is now busy. Only after a brief but heated argument does he manage to convince her to put the phone down and at least explain to him what is going on.

“And now, can you please explain to me what’s happening?” Chuuya asks, handing his sister a cup of green tea and sitting on her bed.

“I was with Kyouka-chan in a hospital. She is with her grandparents now. But there is… another problem.”

The boy gives her a questioning look, not saying anything and only reaches for his cup of coffee. He doesn’t really feel like drinking it. He made it for himself just to occupy his hands with something and fill his stomach, which starts to demand food.

“I talked with the doctor and he suspects that someone abused them. Both. He said that bruises she has look like that. Just… Akiko doesn’t want to say anything more, insisting that it’s her issue and she deals with it alone.”

Chuuya only nods, when a thought appears in his mind.

“Do you want me to ask Dazai for help?”

“I don’t understand?”

“Dazai’s father is a doctor, quite well-known as far as I know. I can ask him if he knows any good psychotherapist who could help your friend? Maybe then it would also be easier to get to what happened there?”

Chuuya decides to not say that Dazai himself goes to the therapy since a couple of years and hopes that he won’t recommend his own therapist. Despite passing time, it still is a hard and uncomfortable situation for his friend, especially considering that he still gets mood swings and he sometimes dangerously focuses on the darker shades of life.

Nevertheless, Kouyou doesn’t accept or deny his offer. She just asks him to talk about it later, which means that she will over abuse all ways and possibilities herself, before she asks for help. Chuuya will ask Dazai this evening anyway.

Unfortunately, what he has on mind right now isn’t the fate of poor little girl, but taking care of his sister. Luckily, he managed to explain to her that while being sick she wouldn't do anything anyway (and would only make things worse) and persuaded her to rest for at least a few days until her fever went down. Even before she went to bed, Chuuya prepared a light chicken stock, which Kouyou herself always prepared for him when he was sick. It seems that now the roles have been reversed.

Unluckily, it looks that not only Kouyou catches some virus, because that same day in the evening when he texts on the message group with her employees that she was unfortunately sick, her other employee - Shirase - also reported that he had been lying down with a fever since morning. Apparently, the recent downpour claimed many more victims that day. And although one person's falling off the schedule is not, that much of a problem, Chuuya is practically every day at least for a while at the cafe, to help with service or clean up in the evening. This situation significantly thwarted Dazai's plans, who instead of spending the entire week annoying and teasing the redhead, he largely spent it on pointless walking around the city with Atsuhi. Chuuya’s request for psychotherapist recommendation was as uncommon that Dazai reacted by innocent question if Chuuya finally wanted to learn how to control his temper. He quickly stopped making jokes though when he heard the real reason. He also promised to let Nakahara know how his sister feels after contacting her. Even though Kouyou didn’t go to work, she has had plans to go to a hospital already next day and would come back with even worse fever if not for Chuuya waking up early for his training and stopping her.

What was the most amusing though, Kouyou asked Dazai to check on Chuuya the same as he asked about it earlier. And this is how Dazai finds himself standing at the backdoor of the café, where Chuuya calmly smokes a cigarette, completely lost in his thoughts.

Dazai, not thinking much about it, pulls out his phone and takes a photo of him, which he can later use for some blackmail, then, unfazed, started walking toward him.

“Chibi! You haven’t heard that smoking supresses the height? Do you want to be even smaller Chu… Au! You didn’t have to punch me.”

“Shut up. What are you doing here anyway?” Chuuya ignores Dazai’s whines and takes a drag from his cigarette.

“Kouyou asked me to check in the situation in the café. So here I am! From now I will brew coffee!”

“I wouldn’t let you pour hot water over tea leaves, and you want to brew coffee? Not a chance.” Chuuya throws a cigarette butt on the floor and crushes it with his shoe.

“Chuuya’s not nice. And to think that I came here to help you! But that's the way it is with people like you. You know the saying that....”

But Chuuya doesn’t listen to him anymore, because suddenly he feels sick, the world around him swirls and darkens before his eyes. He instinctively leans against the wall to keep himself from falling, but the dizziness still doesn’t go away.

“Hey, Chuuya, are you even listening?”

He thinks that someone waves a hand in his face. but he’s sure that if he moves now, he faints instantly.

“Oi, Chuuya…!” Dazai grabs him by shoulder and slowly sits with him on the cold ground.
“Chuuya, tell me if you hear me, at leats.”

“Mhm.”

After a minute or two, he feels better and he dares to look at Dazai, but he can’t read anything from his face.

“I’m fine now. Don’t worry.” Chuuya replies to an unsaid question. He inhales loudly and exhale slowly. He does it without any trouble and he takes it as a good sign.

“What happened?”

Dazai's voice, on the other hand, is worried and uncertain. Chuuya knows that if any emotion could be heard in Dazai's voice it is absolutely a conscious act on his part.

“I don’t know, I just got dizzy all of sudden. But it vanished as quickly as it appeared.”

Dazai doesn’t take off his had from his shoulder and still gazes him closely.

“But why? Have you not slept again?”

Chuuya shakes his head.

“No, it’s okay, really. I get a normal amount of sleep.”

The brunette lets him go, but he does it with a draughty sigh and leans against the wall behind him. Before he can ask something else, he hears a loud rumble coming from Chuuya’s stomach.

“Maybe I forgot to eat breakfast today, but it’s nothing.”

Dazai’s not sure if he should laugh or worry.
“It’s three pm, Chuuya. Did you forget to eat breakfast?” He decides to laugh, because Chuuya’s embarrassment is too funny to not let go of this opportunity.

“There has simply been too much going on recently. First exams, now Ane-san’s problems… I haven’t really thought to eat anything.” Chuuya decides to say half-truth. He actually forgot to eat breakfast. But the fact that he voluntary didn’t eat anything before opening the café or during the break – even though he has a lot of time – can’t be a coincidence.

“Come on,” Dazai stands up suddenly and extended his hand towards the redhead. “I’m curious about what's on that new seasonal menu you told me about.”

Chuuya snorts and gets up, taking his hand. He fixes his apron and decides to not mention the painful stomach cramps that he feels when hearing about food.

“If you want to eat something, get in like a normal customer through main door. I will serve you in a moment.”

“Nah, Chuuya. We eat together – plural form.”

“Why would I want to eat anything together with you?” he says despite the fact that he opens the door to the backroom and let Dazai through before entering himself.

“Cause Chuuya hasn’t eaten since yesterday, he’s hungry and I can’t let my poor dog…”

“It was one fucking bet years ago!”

And so they both end up sitting at the outermost table, eating sandwiches Chuuya quickly prepared . Once, Chuuya was extremely happy that his sister had decided to open a café in a heavily Western style, with dishes that try to imitate those known from Italy or France. Now, however, he is dismayed when he is aware of how many calories this dish might have, as well as the watchful eyes of Dazai, who would be unlikely to let him leave half a serving as he does at home when Kouyou isn't looking. To make matters worse, shortly after they sit down, it turns out that Atsushi and Kenji, who has come here on the recommendation of - incidentally – Chuuya’s are also in the café. So, he now has three pairs of eyes in front of him, watching his every move, as Dazai does not fail to mention to them why Chuuya is feeling unwell.

“Stare at me like that and I won’t eat anything.”

While Atsuhi and Kenji look away embarrassed, Dazai decides to not to care at all about his friend's request and even stares at him more intensely.

“I’m not going to look at you Chuuya-san, but I think Dazai’s right. You need to take care of yourself too, not only about everyone else.” Atushi says, trying to look everywhere but at Chuuya.

The redhead sighs and reluctantly takes another bite of his sandwich.

“I know it. I’ve just got no time for it recently.”

This is not well received by any of his friends. Although Dazai says nothing, Chuuya is able to read from his facial expression that he is planning some very unpleasant event in which he would be forced to participate. After all, what Dazai plans always works out. Fortunately, as he finishes eating the meal placed before them, his deliverance came in the form of Higuchi, who asks him to help with the customers. So, although guilt-ridden that he has eaten far too much, but also relieved, he gets up and go to take care of the customers. Of course, his condition does not escape the attention of his friends, and in the evening of the same day Kenji sends him a message asking if he would like to go out with him on Sunday, so that he could finally get at least a little rest from his busy schedule.

Chuuya ponders his answer for a while, but when a moment later, while browsing through Instagram, he comes across a photo in which Dazai is tagged with some new girl, he decides that all in all he would love to meet someone else. And he would love to text Dazai to come over to his place on Sunday evening, since he already has the rest of the day planned. And the moment he writes this he realizes that he is doing all this out of jealousy. And because of the fact that he simply doesn't like it when his best friend is interested in someone else. And it is slowly beginning to occur to him that he probably likes the boy with whom he has spent almost his entire life. A boy who probably just treats him like his brother.

Notes:

I'm still here!
Is anybody here too? Can anyone please help Chuuya? His suffering has just started...

Chapter 7: 7. Tarte tatin

Notes:

I'm back! Barely but I am!
And we finally have Paul in that chapter.

Kenji’s adorable. Chuuya smiles involuntarily at the sight of his shinning eyes and gentle laugh. They have gotten along earlier as they are attending the same judo club, and the blonde literally loves pastries, so when Chuuya still baked (mainly for some idiot’s sister), he always remembers to bring something for his kouhai, too. Even now, Kenji is thrilled at the sight of his enormous piece of meringue cake with strawberry cream. Well, Chuuya just feels starving and this sight doesn’t help him. He’s glad that that music at the café is a little too loud, so it perfectly drowns out his stomach clenching from hunger.

Still listening to his friend, Chuuya looks at the windows and starts to drink his black coffee. However, it is in no way a substitute for the amazing miracle in front of him on the table, but at least it allows him to stop thinking about food at least for a while.

“By the way, you mentioned…” Chuua turns to the boy, but he hasn’t managed to say anything more as a fork with a big bite of cake appears in his mouth. He chokes and cough instantly, but the moment he calms down and starts to properly chew, his tasting buds… no, his whole body gets crazy. It isn’t just the delicate and soft texture of the cake, it’s delicious, melting in mouth cream or the far too sweet meringue. That one bite of cake is probably the most energetic and tasty food Chuuya has had in his mouth in months. His body reacts much faster than his brain and by the time he has realized that what he just ate probably has more calories than his dinner, he has swallowed the piece already. He smiles unconsciously and mordaciously stops himself from sighing pleasantly.

“You said you weren’t hungry, but the cake tastes almost the same as your meringue and I couldn’t stop myself to not let you taste it.”

Chuuya opens his eyes, which he only has now noticed he closed, and licks his lips gently. Whether it is to actually focus on the taste of the cake and compare it to his sweets, or perhaps to feel that incredible delight again, at least for a moment - he doesn’t know.

“Hm, it is indeed similar. But I would choose another cake filling – lighter and less sweet to contrast the sweetness of meringue. I think they used strawberries in it, but there is too much whipped cream and sugar for me.”

Kejji opens his mouth wildly and tilts his head, looking at Chuuya with admiration.

“Wow, you’re great, Chuuya. You should become a chef in a restaurant. I’ve always admired the pastries that you bring and the bentous you make! Dazai-senpai always brag to Atsuhi about what you cooked for him.”

“I just like cooking and baking, I guess,” Chuuya shrugs, drinking his coffee to get rid of sweet – and too tempting – taste in his mouth. “I don’t do anything gourmet or creative.”

Kenji crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head.

“Your bunny muffins were marvellous!”

“Come again to my sister’s café. I work there sometimes and do some desserts, too.”

“For real?!” Kenji beams at this news.

Chuuya nods and promises to call him whenever he bakes something. Kenji, same as Atsushi, is too adorable and innocent for his own good. The pure happiness and naivety that characterizes him makes Chuuya feel the need to protect him from the world. And he’s sure that whoever get the chance to spend their life with this boy, they would be one of the luckiest people ever. In moments like that Chuuya would like to be able to fall in love with someone so kind instead of a tall and annoying mackerel. The more he thinks about it – and he has a lot of time when coming back from his meeting with Kenji – the more he notices that he has a terrible taste in men. Beside from Dazai, he finds that Russian guy kind of attractive too – with all his mysteriousness and foreign accent. That’s a shame that people like his kouhai have never been interesting enough for him. And he doubts it will ever change.

Suddenly he is snapped out of his deep thoughts about his own feelings by a piercing stomach ache. It’s so strong that he has to stop in mid-step, lean against the wall and bend slightly to be able to catch his breath at all. It feels as if all his organs began to twist inside him. After a few minutes, the pain hasn’t fully gone away, but it becomes bearable enough that he is able to move to get home. Damn, maybe he has actually contracted the flu from Kyoyou? In addition to the stinging and sharp pain, he’s also beginning to feel nauseous, and his hands are shaking as he opens the door. Damn, why the fuck now?

He throws himself on his bed irritated, not evening bothering to take off his jacket and curls up when his stomach shrinks again. Honestly, staying in his outdoor clothes hasn’t been such a bad idea since he feels cold. After some painful minutes, he reluctantly unblocks him phone.

Chibi

don’t come today. i don’t feel so good

He texts Dazai and puts his phone under the pillow, covering himself with a blanket. Maybe he feels better after some sleep. Or at least he'll wait out the worst of the pain and get up to get some medicine. His suffering has been interrupted every few minutes by the vibration of his phone, announcing the arrival of a new message. Chuuya ignores it as if he’s barely able to move without causing himself the more pain. He feels as is his stomach tries to commit a suicide by digesting itself, but before he thinks more about it, his phone starts ringing. After seeing who’s calling him, he instantly rejects the call and only look at some new messages.

Mackerel

Did your date not go so well after all? Chuuya notices how small he is after seeing Kenji and decides that his pride wouldn’t stand being with someone shorter than him?

Or maybe Kenjii’s realised how microscopic Chibi is and that his anger tantrums are unlikely to project well into the future?

Chuuya, why aren’t you answering? I’m right, ain’t I?

Seriously, snail, say something.

Has anything happened…?

 

Chuuya grons loudly, not being sure if it’s from pain or because of these useless messages. It wasn’t even a date. And since Dazai starts calling him again, it seems that he can’t escape from getting him any replies.

Chibi

It wasn’t a date. But it was fine. And it’s jus stomach ache.

Mackerel

Is there anything more?

Are you sick? Or have you got food poisoning?

What did Chuuya eat today?

Chibi

Okayu

Mackerel

That’s all?

Chibi

I wanted to eat lunch when I get back, but now I feels nauseous at the thought of eating.

Mackerel

Is Kouyou-san home?

Chibi

Nah. Let me sleep it off, Dazai

 

Chuuya silences his phone, puts it on the floor beside his bed, not bothering with checking any reply from his friend. Despite the pain and discomfort, he falls sleep pretty quickly, which isn’t really surprising given that he has been exhausted for days, if not weeks. If his body is unable to derive any energy from food, it tries to make up for all the energy it lacks through sleep.
Chuuya wakes up a few hours later or – to be precise – is woken up by Kouyou, who gently but firmly shakes his shoulder.

“Chuuya, dear, get up for a moment.”

The boy uncertainly blinks his eyes several times before his vision stops blurring. Still half asleep, not fully awake he mutters in response:

“Hm, what’s up?”

Kouyou looks at him anxiously, noticing how still drowsy is her brother. She instantly puts her hand on his forehead, breathing a sigh of relief when it’s not hot. Actually, it’s pretty cold considering the temperature in the room.

“Dazai called me to say that you felt unwell afternoon. How are you feeling now? Want something to eat?”

Chuuya’s stomach clenches unpleasantly at the mention of food. He also remembers that Kenji almost forced him to eat a piece of that sweet, big cake. Damn. How many calories did that piece have? For sure it’s enough to cover his caloric needs today. Beside that, he also feels tired and doesn’t want to get up. Maybe it is because he has just been woken up, or maybe it is because when he sleeps, he doesn’t have to at least control himself and his overly unrestrained appetite at every turn. He doesn’t have to worry about how he has stalled since the exams and stopped losing weight.

“I’ll eat later, I’m not hungry.”

“Chuuya,” Ane-san’s voice is concerned and firm at the same time. “It’s seven pm. Yesterday you said the same thing and didn't eat anything”

Seven pm? Damn, he promised to prepare something for his father when he returns. No matter how much his stomach hurts and nauseous he feels, he still doesn’t want to break his promise.

“I’m tired and I have a headache. I will get up early tomorrow and eat breakfast with you, deal?”
Kouyou sighs loudly and nods resignedly.

“I’ll leave you some leftovers. I want to pop into a café in the morning and pick dad at the airport after. You don’t have to get up with me, but please eat something. We haven’t eaten dinner together since a few days.”

Redhead only nods and lays back to bed. For some time, his mind is wandering somewhere between being awake and dreaming, but in the end, he reluctantly decides that he is unable to fall asleep again. He notices also that the pain eases significantly. He feels rather an unpleasant churning in his stomach and slight nausea. Concluding that since he is already awake, he might as well do something useful, he decides to get up. Although he has promised to prepare something special for his father's arrival, it’s now completely impossible. Maybe he could at least prepare some dinner for him. Now, as he thinks about it, he is reminded that Dazai is supposed to come to him today. And that he himself missed the few days he’s supposed to spend with the brunet because of Kouyou's illness. Still, he feels guilty because he has been spending less time with the boy for the past few months, moreover, their plans are often cancelled precisely by Nakahara.

On the other hand, every time they spend more time together, the more Chuuya focuses on how the other boy’s eyes sparkle when he smiles or how deep and pleasant his sleepy voice is. And damn, it not only makes his heart start beating faster, but it also makes him blush at times, and there is a terribly strange but pleasant fluttering in his stomach.

Despite that, he concludes that his own problems shouldn’t affect their relationship. He should forget the infatuation with his childhood friend. Especially now when Dazai has finally started looking for help and needs his support more than ever.

Chibi

Come tomorrow

We’ll be cooking

 

After sending the message, he notices that Dazai still wrote to him for some time after he went to sleep. Dazai asked him how was he feeling and if he should have call Kouyou. Apparently, the lack of answer from Chuuya made the boy tell his sister about the situation. The redhead sighs quietly and replies to some old messages, then decides to take a shower.

He thinks about eating something nevertheless as despite the nausea his hunger starts to hit him again.

But firstly - shower, because the mere thought that he slept in his clothes makes him want to get rid of them immediately and wash sweat from his body.

He takes his sweet time with showering himself and relaxing under the hot water stream. He daydreams about what a tasty meal is waiting for him prepared by Ane-san when he sees part of his body in the mirror. And since he does it, he feels the need to fully turn around and glances at his reflection. To be completely honest, Chuuya doesn’t hate his body. He likes some part, some not, but he tries to have a rather neutral approach to it. He was taught it by his judo instructors. The body is a tool, it should serve you and you should improve it, if possible.

However, from some time he has seriously started to getting sick of his mirror reflection. Whenever he accidentally touches his belly or thighs, he finds himself disgusted. He feels the fat that settles on his muscles. Actually, it has been some time since he thought about his well-built body that he worked out last year and was so proud of it.

When he looks in the mirror right now, he only sees an undefined creature. Short, fat and unproportional. Dazai looks so much better even with his frizzy hair, a little pale and totally too dry skin and too loosely tied bandages. He’s tall and lean. His moves are light and his hands and are slim and delicate. He’s nothing like whatever strange thing Chuuya has become.
The redhead turns his back to the mirror and quickly dresses up in some home clothes. He’s sick and tired of looking at what he has became. To what state he has driven himself. His stomach cramped painfully and the pleasant aroma of tonkatsu that comes from the kitchen, but he firmly goes to his room and closes the door after himself. He’s not allowed to eat anything, if he looks like that. He should have been more careful when Kenji offered him to try the cake. These snacks and small foods that he eats by chance are exactly the reason why he looks like that. He needs to be more concerned next time.

The next morning, he is awakened by a loud banging on the door. For a moment he fights with himself to sink back into his blanket and not get up. Whoever is trying to bang on his door should find another occupation. However, the knocking doesn't stop, what's more, in addition, someone begins to call Chuuya, so resignedly he gets up and, not yet fully awake, goes to open the door. In front of him, of course, the figure of Dazai appears, who, not caring about the early hour or the fact that he is inviting himself into the someone’s house, briskly steppes over the threshold and manages to pull off his shoes and enters deeper into the apartment before Chuuya even grasps what has happened.

“What are you doing here, idiot?” He says after some minutes, but his voice lacks the usual annoyance and the insult itself is muffled by a yawn.

“Chibi texted me yesterday that I can come. That we will cook together.”

The redhead stares at the brunet absentmindedly as if he doesn’t know what’s going on, until he looks at the date in his phone and realises what day is today and what happened yesterday.

“Chuuya looks like he spent the whole night doing something naughty.”

A groan of despair escapes from the boy's lips and, resigned, he moves back toward his room without even looking in Dazai's direction.

“I couldn’t fall asleep at night. Anyway, I’m going to take a shower and you will help me to prepare dinner today. You’re staying with us today, right?”

Chuuya remembers Dazai mentioning that Mori works for most of this week at hospital and he won’t be home for long these days. Not that anyone minds, really. Chuuya’s family is one of the few that takes December holiday more seriously because it’s a well-established tradition in his father’s family to pompously celebrate Christmas. KFC chickens aren’t in today’s menu.

Dazai nods at the question but then realises that Chuuya probably can’t see him because he stands with his back to him and says:

“Yep. I can’t wait for Paul-san to come. He’s much better talk companion than Chuuya. It’s strange you are related.”

Chuuya throws a pillow at him and growls:

“Fuck off. Maybe stop invading people’s flat a moment after they get up from bed and see if they become more talkative.”

He goes to his room to came back after a moment and walks straight to the bathroom. Before crossing the threshold, he stops and points an accusatory finger at Dazai who half laid on the couch reading a book.

“Did you eat breakfast? If not, help yourself to leftovers in the fridge.”

And the door slams immediately behind him. Having already learned from the previous day's experience; this time he stands with his back to the mirror and washes himself without looking too much at his body as well. He doesn’t even look at himself while brushing his teeth, doing it automatically and without much interest. Only while combing his hair with his hand does he realize that he should at least comb it at the mirror, after all. He doesn’t like what he sees, as he notices a pale face with dark circles under his eyes - even though, after all, he slept most of the day yesterday, what the hell - and, what surprises him most, dry skin. Chuuya has never had any major problems with his skin, and is lucky to have inherited a healthy, almost radiant complexion, aside, of course, from the delicate freckles scattered across his face. His hair isn't in the best shape either - for the past month it began to fall out more heavily, and also became more brittle and thinner. It looks as if the whole world has embezzled against Chuuya and his appearance. The funny thing is that the more he focuses on making himself look good, the worse he actually looks. But clearly, he must have really screwed up karma or something or someone else.

Trying to chase away negative thoughts, he breaths deeply. He has no time for self-pity now. He has managed to make a plan last night for what he is going to cook today, and he is going to pretty much stick to it. He doesn’t have much time, but on the other hand, even though Dazai is a complete no-talent in the kitchen, even he can do such simple things as cutting vegetables or putting rice in the cooker. That should be enough. It won't be any exquisite or finesse meal, but at least it will be tasty and appropriate for the current season.

“We still have a lot time before dinner time, so I start making tarte tatin for dessert and you can sit here and don’t disturb me. You will help me later. But we must go shopping first.”

He feels a little better with himself after shower. Not only because he didn’t look at his body, but also because he wears his favourite, oversized and warm sweater. He combed his hair into ponytail because he would need to do it anyway before cooking and it looks better like that anyway.

“It’s not common to find only leftovers in your house.” Dazai picks on tonkatsu ostentatiously to put it aside without a thought later. “Could it be that you give up your diet and…?”

“Neither I, nor Ane-san have been there for most of the time recently,” the redhead growls at him. “We both eat in the cafe or get takeout. Anyway, come on, we’re going.”

“You’re not going to eat anything?” Dazai stares suspiciously at him, glancing at the plate from time to time as if to suggest he thinks it’s also for Chuuya.

“I’m not hungry.”

Dazai only shrugs in lieu of reply and leaves the unfinished plate on the table.

The shopping is surprisingly calm and well. Dazai tries to put some sweets and crab flavoured snacks to a cart only several times. At least, he didn’t go to the shop assistant claiming that he lost the child when Chuuya disappeared in another aisle for a moment, this time. He doesn’t complain much when Nakahara asks him for help in carrying groceries, too. His stupid questions and inconveniencing start only when they’re back home and Chuuya says to him what they are going to make.

“I thought Chibi will make some gourmet, French dish which name I wouldn’t be able to pronounce and which has been being prepared for a week since every ingredient requires…”

“I didn’t have time for that, move.” Chuuya pushes the brunettes who stands between the kitchen and the living room.

“So Chuuya doesn’t want to show off his cooking skills? Maybe it’s because they aren’t actually so brilliant that he tries to tell everyone? I’m sure that when you’re alone, you…”

“Shut the fuck up. I can’t focus with your blabbering.” Chuuya disappears in a toilet to wash his hands. When he comes back, he takes off his sweater smoothly and puts on the apron hanging near the fridge.

“I didn’t have time to buy some imported ingredients with I would need for it. Besides, I’m making a classic French dessert so fuck off.”

He starts mixing ingredients for dough in a bowl, not paying more attention to Dazai.

“It’s just a regular apple pie. I don’t know why…”

“Tarte tatin is not just a regular apple pie. And if you’re really that bored, peel the apples for me.”

Surprisingly, Dazai obediently does what Chuuya told him to do. He even politely asks if he should cut them and if he could still help with anything. This is suspicious enough that the redhead stops in the middle of what he is doing and watches the brunet, who innocently does exactly what he is asked, for a good few minutes. Chuuya snorts under his breath, realizing that if Dazai is planning something shameful, he will probably do it when the redhead least expects it. Resignedly, he wraps the dough in foil and puts it in the fridge, and immediately afterward, glancing from time to time at what Dazai is doing, set about making the broth for the kitsune udon he is planning for dinner. He later says a silent thank you in the brunet's direction and a moment later, much louder, tells him to get out of the kitchen and stay out of it and starts frying apples and making caramel. The brunet doesn't listen to him too much, as he continues to sit at the kitchen table, doing something on his phone. Chuuya just rolls his eyes at this and sets about further preparing the cake.

Just as he is putting the pan with cake into the oven there is the sound of a door opening and a loud greeting from someone with a friendly voice. Chuuya doesn’t even have time to open his mouth to answer something when Dasai's wailing voice rings out:

“Paul-san! How good that you're already here! Chuuya chased me out of the kitchen and is giving me leftovers from dinner for breakfast!”

As if that mackerel ever fucking cares what he put in his mouth, literally.

Paul laughs at these words, but the first thing he does upon entering the kitchen is to walk up to Chuuya and says hello, undeterred by the fact that his son is soiled in flour and butter and probably about to get his shirt the same way. He hugs him close and smiles at the sight of him.

“Hey, Chuuya. Is it true what Dazai-kun says?”

“I'll get you dirty!” He shrieks in response and tries to somehow disentangle himself from his embrace.

“This annoying mummy should be glad that I gave him anything to eat at all.” He murmurs under his breath, then smiles sincerely in the man's direction. “Welcome home, Dad.”

The man reciprocates the smile, then looks carefully around the kitchen and asks:

“You know you don’t have to make a three-course meal for me, right? And I see that you yourself are slowly opening your own café here, like Kouyou.”

Chuuya shakes his head, explaining that they were simply bored, to which - thankfully - Dazai eagerly nods. Paul doesn't look like he believes them, but doesn't pursue the topic either. Instead, he suggests that they all sit down at a table, drink coffee and talk. He also adds that, of course, before he parts ways with Kouyou he stopped by her cafe and brings some croissants with a new filling, so it is imperative that everyone try them. Chuuya knows perfectly well what these novelties are, because he made them himself, but he decides to leave it to himself. And he knows that he definitely shouldn't try them, especially if he is going to eat lunch today. He curses silently under his breath, counting in his head how intensely and long he will have to exercise in the evening in order to fit in his caloric limit at all. On the other hand, maybe if he eats only half of it and then gets busy cooking, no one will pay attention. At lunch, too, he can put on a smaller portion for himself. He keeps pondering how to resolve the situation while Paul and Dazai start setting the table, and Chuuya sneaks off to his room to put on a sweatshirt for a while, because despite the oven being on and standing by the boiling pot, he is cold. But then again, this is the time of year, no wonder.

In passing, he also glances at his phone, as a message pops up that someone tagged him in a photo on Instagram. He begins to wonder if it was Kenji, but his suspicions are quickly dispelled when he sees a photo of himself, from about an hour ago, when he was preparing a cake. There are flour marks on his nose and an expression of complete thoughtfulness on his face. In front of him, all that could be seen are someone's legs, lying on the table, and a terrible caption under the photo: "When you have your own private chef.”

“Dazai, I'll fucking kill you!”

Notes:

Thank you so much for all your comments and kudos!
Sometimes I wonder if I should still write this fic, but your support makes it worthwhile <3

Chapter 8: 8. His hair

Notes:

I love all of your comments so much. Like really, I would stop posting this fic already if not for you.
There is a thing with this little story that you read here - some of the things that I write from Chuuya's perspective are my own experiences and feelings. And I'm pretty much okay with most of them, but sometimes the worse emotions overwhelm me. It's actually great for writing but a little less great for my mental health.
Anyway, enjoy!

Chuuya slowly and peacefully lets the smoke out of his mouth, watching it dissolves in the December breeze. He inhales again, this time holding it in his lungs longer and relishing this one moment of relaxation that nicotine brings him. As a rule, he only smokes when he is heavily stressed about something or for company. But now he is somehow trying to collect his thoughts after all of tonight, and lying on his futon and staring off into space is not helping him in any way. And lest anyone misunderstand him, today was a great day.

Kouyou came back early from work and first time since a while they finally have the opportunity to eat dinner together. Even Dazai toned down his mischief and spent a pleasant evening with his family. For most of the time, his dad talked about his job and last visits in Europe, but for Chuuya it was absolutely enough.

“I hoped that neither of you would inherit your mother's attraction to tobacco.”
Hearing someone’s voice behind him, he winces involuntarily and a cigarette falls from his hand to the balcony’s floor unnoticeably. He turns around and sees his father standing in front on him in a robe and with a somewhat chastening, yet amused expression on his face.

“I don’t smoke very often.” He starts to explain himself even though he doesn’t know why. He will be graduating in a little over a year, has already been working for a long time and is able to take care of himself. Moreover, his father never infantilizes him and very early on began to treat him as an equal.

“No worries. I’m not going to yell at you or punish you because I’ve caught you with a cigarette at one am.” The man pauses for a moment as if contemplating something. “However, I am interested what are you doing here so late.”

Despite these words, Chuuya breathes a sigh of relief and picks up a cigarette lying on the floor, only to put it out shortly thereafter.

“I’ve been thinking about everything.”

“It’s a very detailed and comprehensive answer, Chuuya,” his father says ironically, leaning against the railings and looking away.

“Dad, you sometimes sound like Dazai,” he replies with a sour face and stand next to him.

His father only laughs at that.

“I just wanted to think about some things. A lot has been going on lately and I needed a moment to myself.”

Paul, still looking at the building in front of them, nods.

“I used to smoke to when I was your age.” Chuuya gives him a surprised look, even if his father doesn’t see it. He remembers Paul always asking his ex-wife to stop smoking and listing the adverse health effects of her addiction. “I smoked only when I was stressed. And your mother smoked regularly then. It was often the case that after an argument she went out screaming, offended at me and smoked cigarettes, and after a while I also went out and smoked to calm down. We often met somewhere on the street and just stood together, smoking. And then it was somehow easier to talk about the problem.”

Chuuya recalls a situation from a few days ago when Dazai caught him smoking during a break at work. Not that Dazai doesn’t know he smokes; in fact, most of his friends could be seen with a cigarette from time to time. Well, except for Akutagawa, but Chuuya would have taken the cigarette out of his mouth himself if he had seen him with it. He guesses they are still at that age where they are trying new, forbidden things. Although, in truth, Chuuya doesn’t feel much excitement about doing something forbidden or is interested in increasingly stronger stimulants just to show that he can.

But then again, Paul always tries to be understanding and approachable towards him. He tries, because it often doesn’t work out, but Chuuya spent part of his life living only with his mother and sister. Somewhere, someone would probably say that in a way — at least during his early childhood — he grew up without a father. And to some extent, that would probably be true. But Chuuya doesn’t care about it as much as some people thought he should. The quality of his encounters with someone matters more to him than their quantity. Besides, unlike other people, Paul really shows that he is trying to renew their relationship. Even if it ends with both of them standing on the balcony, wondering deep down if it is okay that he had let his teenage son smoke or not confides in his father about his problems.

“Speaking of mom, I met her about a month ago.”

“Oh,” the man looks at him for the first time during their conversation, and his face takes on an apologetic expression. “I’ve told Kouyou that we should ask your mom for dinner. I guess I should’ve asked you, too.”

“Let me guess, Kouyou said no right away?”

Paul only nods and opens his mouth to probably apologise again, when Chuuya continues.

“I think she made a good decision. I mean, it wasn’t a bad meeting per se, but… I had an impression that mom doesn't see us the same way as before.”

“You’re going to be a grown-up man soon, Chuuya. It’s normal that your mom…”

“I think she's better off in her current life without us. And I’m not sure if I still want to be a part of her life either.”

Only when he says it that he has realized he has to do it more for himself than for anyone else. As if saying it out loud means he no longer has to push those thoughts aside and pretends that the situation in the café was a natural conversation between family members. And he has probably clung so tightly to the idea that it is normal, he wanted her to want him so much that it has been difficult for him to admit to himself that he doesn’t need his mother in his life. Talking about it in front of Kouyou could expose him to a malicious “I told you so,” and in front of Dazai, who had never known his own mother, he would simply feel stupid. Albatross, on the other hand, is far away and never was able to have serious conversations on the phone.

Paul puts his arm around him gently, not quite sure if it is to comfort him or something else.

“We are kind of shitty parents, aren’t we?”

He never curses in Chuuya’s company, but he doesn’t care about his vocabulary right now. And before his son can even deny it, he continues:

“I can’t apologise to you on the behalf of your mother, but I can apologise for not being here with you for so long time. I should’ve noticed sooner that living with her wasn’t best for you both. I should’ve noticed sooner that she’s not meant to be a mother. On the other hand, I don’t regret it, because you and your sister are the best things that even happened in my life.”

Chuuya rolls his eyes at that confession, because even though it was kind and pleasant, it still sounds as if from some cliché movie.

“And I want you to know that you can always come to me with any problem. Whether it's your mother you're fed up with or something that makes you smoke cigarettes at one am.”

Chuuya leans his body against Paul and simply lets him embrace him. For a moment, he wonders whether he should bring up his romantic dilemmas or his weight loss problems. For a moment, he wants to complain about it all to someone, but instead he swallows all his regret and self-loathing to just hug him tighter. And maybe someday he would regret not telling him about his doubts about his life decisions. About being infatuated with his childhood friend. About how he is increasingly disgusted by the sight of his own body. And about many other things that should be discussed with parents, things that a father or mother should support their children in. But for now, it is enough for him to know that he still has parents. At least one of them. Even if Chuuya was more honest with himself, he would admit that, in fact, both of his parents could be called shitty.
But on the other hand, at least for a moment, he doesn’t feel bad about someone touching his disgusting, fat body. At least for a moment, he forgets how bad he looks. And above all, he feels an incredible warmth filling him from within when he returns to his room and sees that Dazai is sleeping soundly and peacefully.

Chuuya isn’t particularly surprised that the first thing he smells in the morning, before he even openes his eyes, is the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Paul is standing at the kitchen counter and looks as if he has just gotten out of bed. His long hair are tousled and fall over his shoulders, and he seems to be deep in thoughts. In those moments, when a single wrinkle appears between his eyes and his lips are pressed into a thin line, he begins to look his age. It is only after a moment that he notices his son in the passage between the living room and the kitchen, and he smiles almost automatically at the sight of him.

“Why are you up so early? Did I wake you up?”

The redhead shakes his head and approaches the coffee machine with a little more confidence. Earlier, he hasn’t wanted to disturb the calm and delicate atmosphere in which he has found his father. He hasn't even intended to go into the kitchen this morning, but he is terribly sleep-deprived, and the smell of coffee in the morning proves much more tempting than he has initially thought. Black coffee has practically no calories anyway, so he often resorts to it when his hunger is too severe. Cigarettes help too.

“I want to go running before everyone wakes up,” he replies and reaches for his cup with indescribable joy.

The man frowns and stares at Chuuya for a moment just to start looking for something in the shelves.

“Right, Kouyou mentioned that you’ve gone on a diet recently?” He clearly sounds like he isn’t sure if what he heard from the girl was true. As if he didn’t understand correctly, because he hasn’t speak Japanese for some time.

“I'm just trying to get back in shape after my injury,” Chuuya has already learned to use more subtle words when talking about his diet. He knows that Kouyou—acting almost like his mother—would always worry about how much he eats and probably wouldn't even notice any major changes in him. But that is normal when you are family with someone. Some are painfully honest, while others, like his sister, is so focused on the well-being of their loved ones that they don’t even notice the mistakes they are making. But he doesn’t blame her for that, he knows she wants what is best for him, she just doesn’t know what that is.

On the other hand, other people, such as Dazai or his mother, have a much more sober view of his appearance. And, of course, none of them are particularly malicious in their comments. Dazai just always makes fun of something about Chuuyi, and that is normal; he probably doesn’t care about Chuuya's appearance because, after all, he is just his friend. Chuuya also doesn’t pay much attention to how much Gin weighs or whether Tachihara is handsome. They are just his friends, and he is completely indifferent to the negative aspects of their appearance. Anyway, maybe it is better that Dazai sees him as a friend or brother, because if he ever looked at Chuuyi from a different angle, he would probably realize how hideous he is.

“Kouyou said that you barely eat anything.”

Ane-san sometimes should focus more on her problems; the thought crosses his mind, and he quickly takes a big sip of coffee so as not to snap at his father. She worried him unnecessarily.

“Ane-san is exaggerating.” He says after a moment, trying to sound confident. “We've been passing each other by at home lately, and I also like to try new restaurants in town.” Indeed, that used to be the case. Chuuya used to love looking for new restaurants nearby and dragging every friend who happened to have time there.

“You've been passing each other at home, you mean? I thought you were helping her at the café?”

Chuuya opens his mouth to say something, but he pauses. Should he really talk about Kouyou’s problems? Just because she has started saying things about him that are only in her imagination doesn't mean he should do the same. Especially since it is clear that she cared deeply about her friend. Besides, the fact that he won’t tell his father—unlike Ane-san—could be put to good use later.

“She was helping her friend with something, from what I heard,” he decides to choose a relatively cautious answer. In case Ane-san wants to keep her friend's troubles a secret, she could easily get out of it now. “Didn't she tell you anything about it?”

Paul shakes his head in denial, then suddenly stops mid-motion, as if focusing intently on something.

“Actually, she mentioned that she wanted to talk about something this morning. Maybe that's what it was about.”

Chuuya just nods, throws the empty coffee cup into the sink, and says goodbye, adding he is going to get changed and leave. As he closes the door behind him, he hears his dad yell after him that he would wait for him with breakfast because everyone should eat together. Chuuya swallows loudly and makes a mental note to do a double set of exercises tonight. He knows what meals are like in this house when they have guests.

As predicted, the redhead isn’t surprised to find a lavishly set table when he returns, full of both Japanese and Western breakfast dishes, as if there are twice as many people in the house as there actually are. On the other hand, some of it will probably be left over for lunch or the next day. And there is still a third of yesterday's tart in the refrigerator. Still, it makes him happy somehow. Especially when he sees that Dazai has been clearly more interested in food in recent days. Moreover, Chuuya initially pours himself some miso soup and puts a little salad on his plate to keep up appearances, but he notices almost immediately that no one is paying much attention to what he is eating. In fact, Chuuya doesn’t even have time to get annoyed at Dazai's stupid comments about his wet, twisted hair when Kouyou asks them both to be quiet. At that moment, even Paul begins to look more serious, and with each word that comes out of Kouyou's mouth, he becomes more and more worried. Chuuya remains silent for most of the conversation, just listening as the woman recounts what he has already known, then adds new information to the story. Such as the fact that traces of violence were found on both her friend Yosano and her daughter. And that, given Kyouka's mental state, this indicated that the child was beaten for a long time.

“Why didn't anyone report this earlier?!” The redhead growls, interrupting his sister’s monologue anyway. Chuuya has never understood how can you hurt people weaker than themselves, especially children. Perhaps this is because older or bigger kids often tried to pick on him and laugh at him for being smaller than them in a primary school. Fortunately for him, Chuuya never let himself be intimidated and preferred to be scolded by his parents, have problems at school, or be sent to a psychologist because of his aggression issues than to let others bully him. But not everyone is, as Dazai once put it, “thoughtlessly and recklessly brave.”

“Akiko got pregnant while she was still studying at a university. You know well that many people still think that the place of a mother is in the house and she shouldn’t complain about her family.” Kouyou replies to him in a tone as if she is talking to a child.

Obviously, Chuuya knows it. He knows that there are many cases of domestic violence going unreported because victims are afraid, because no one believes them, or because people think they are exaggerating. But he has never thought that this problem could be so close to him. His mother only took care of him for a short time after he was born. Even if she didn't go to work, she was busy with her own affairs. And then his parents divorced. Dazai and his other friends were always there for him at that time. Even Mori, who’s always had a rather neutral attitude towards Chuuya and Kouyou, talked with Paul about it and asked him if his children needed any help after their parents split up. Chuuya is sure that if such situation happened somewhere nearby one of the neighbours would call the police after seeing a child with bruises. Oda would probably take in every child who has bruises and there is even the slightest chance that someone is abusing them at home.

However, it seems that Chuuya is just biased. That he’s lucky enough to live in a better place. He doesn’t say anything more and just picks on his food while listening to the talk between Paul and Kouyou. His mood slightly improves for a moment when his sister moves on to some more positive news and says that the therapist recommended by Dazai has managed to extract most of the information about what had been happening over the last few years. The brunet just nods politely at her thanks and replies:

“It was no problem for me and Mori’s connections came in handy, at least. To be honest, I didn’t think that Ranpo would decide to treat your friend, but he’s an excellent therapist.”

He’s relived when Kouyou asks if Akiko together with Kyouka could spend a few days at their apartment while they look for something for themselves. They can't stay in the hospital for too long, and it is clear that Kouyou doesn’t want to leave the two of them alone, especially since the woman's husband's whereabouts are still unknown. Chuuya even immediately offers to give up his room and sleep on the couch in the living room for a few days before his sister could even say anything similar.

“You have to be a heartless bastard to hit a child.”

Chuuya throws the pillow at the bed irritated and then throws himself on it. Dazai sits next to him and sighs loudly.

“Chuuya gets too excited about everything.”

“Excited? How fucked up you have to be…”

“Your complaints won’t change anything. The only thing you can is to help these kids the same way Odasaku does. You won’t change anyone’s behaviour with shouting and violence.”

“That’s shitty,” Chuuya sums up quietly the whole situation and buries his head deeper into the pillow. After a moment, he feels the mattress sinks beside him, and then Dazai is no longer sitting but lying next to him, his hand involuntarily beginning to smooth his hair.

“Chuuya looks like a wet dog, by the way.”

“So stop touching my hair.”

The raven-haired ignores his comment, sits again and then reaches for the brush lying on the desk. He begins to comb the boy’s tangled hair, not very confidently.

“I need to take care of my dog's hair so that he stays beautiful.”

Chuuya mutters something under his breath, but doesn’t even lift a finger to stop what the boy is doing. The gentle touch of Dazai's fingers as he untangles his wet strands is soothing. In addition, from time to time, the brunet tenderly massages his head, as if trying to minimize the pain caused by combing his hair.

"Ranpo even said he wouldn't take money from them until Yosano-san returns to work. He mentioned something about it being out of solidarity with Kyouka, who is aware of the greatness of sweets. Something like that.” He shrugs and begins to gently arrange the hair on the top of Chuuya's head with his hand.” By the way, Elise and Toshiko are coming back today. Mori too, so I'll probably go home to pretend we're still a family.”

The words spoken by him do not contain a hint of regret, anger, or resentment. They sound as if he is talking about the weather or what he has just eaten for breakfast, rather than his own family. For much of their friendship, Chuuya has tried to understand why this is like that. Sure, he also has problems with his parents, but he feels a whole range of emotions because of the situation. It is only when they both have begun to grow up and look at their problems with a more adult attitude, he understands that this is how Dazai reacts to his problems.

“You can stay here as long as you want. My dad likes you for some inexplicable reason.”

Nakahara knows that Dazai is well aware of this. That for Paul and Kouyou, the raven-haired’s presence in their home is simply normal. That if Mori couldn't get time off during holidays or vacations, Dazai spend most of those days with Chuuya. Even though his stepmother always offers to take him and Elise to visit her family or go somewhere else. Even though Mori also insists that he spend more time with his family. Dazai always refuses, and Chuuya never asks him why.

“But Chibi! Shouldn’t I spend time with my own family?”

And this is where the contradictory nature of Dazai's attitude became apparent. At first, he acts as if he would prefer to minimize family gatherings, but when someone starts to worry about him and help him with this, he suddenly sees nothing wrong with spending time with his family.

“Ne, Chuuya, isn't your hair falling out a bit too much?” Dazai taps him lightly on the shoulder, and when the boy turns his head toward him, he shows him a small tuft of hair in his hand. It is definitely more than could be considered normal. “Could Chuuya be going bald?”

“Everyone’s hair is falling out, damn it! It's just more noticeable when you have long hair.” He replies and buries his face back into the pillow. The last few weeks has been very stressful and tiring for him. This also affects the condition of his hair. It will take a few days and everything will return to normal.

“If Chibi says so.” Dazai doesn’t sound convinced but also doesn’t questions him more. He probably waits for a better moment to use it again Chuuya. “Ta-dah! I fixed your hair, so now you have to watch with me whatever I want!”

“Dick. You only did that so you could watch the second season of Fargo now, didn't you? Even though I told you I wanted to think about the first one.”

Dazai gives him a charming smile full of false sympathy.

“It’s not my fault that Chibi thinks so slow!”

Chuuya rolls his eyes but gets up anyway to turn on his laptop.

“I want to think! It doesn’t mean I don’t understand what happened or…”

“Look, Chibi! Atsushi has invited me to karaoke tomorrow! And it seems that you are invited, too. And some other people…” Dazai doesn’t even look at his direction, only stares at his phone and starts texting someone.

Chuuya notices that he himself has received a dozen or so new messages, mainly from a newly formed group called “Karaoke.” Without reading too much, he just glances over who has written what, turning on the show with one hand and immediately pausing the episode on the first shot. He sees that Dazai has long since made use of the pillows lying on the bed and has additionally covered himself with a blanket. Chuuya bits his lip, pondering the idea that has popped into his head, but the sight of Dazai, almost completely hidden under the covers, helps him make up his mind. He quickly replies that he would gladly come to karaoke and says:

“Do you want hot chocolate?”

Dazai enthusiastically nods, looking almost as a child and jumps from his blanket cocoon, shouting:

“I will help you!”

Chuuya drinks a cup of coffee in the end, but the sight of smiling Dazai, who forcefully tries to feeds him marshmallows, creates some warm and pleasant feeling in his chest. It makes him forget about all disappointment and grief from today morning.

Chapter 9: 9. Karaoke

Notes:

TW: Some fatshaming at the end.
(the whole coversation between Gin and Naomi, starting "from words spoken by Naomi")
Generally we are slowly entering chapters that will always have a greater or lesser TW eating disorders and body dysmorphic.
Please stay safe and don't feel the pressure to read somethings that might trigger you.

Gin
We’re going for pizza with Ryuu before karaoke. Anyone want to come in?

Naomi
going

Atsushi
count me in!

Ryuunosuke
No one invited you, idiot.

Osamu
taking a friend with me. he’s never been to karaoke

Chuuya
Will come to karaoke. Dad’s cooking today :)

Kennji is writing...

Chuuya sighs quietly and lays down on his bed, staring at a ceiling. The holidays break comes to end and he has to return to the school for a next semester soon. He is generally happy about it because the judo competition is bound to happen in the spring and he wants to take part in. On the other hand, his whole life has been focused on exams recently and he knows that it won’t change as he is starting his last year of high school soon and enroll in college too. Well, he should at least because he still doesn’t know what he wants to do in life. He never thinks seriously about any career in sports but even if he thought, his injury would ruin this plan. The doctor said him directly that recreational sport wouldn’t do him any harm but professional career was out of the questions. Even these fore coming competition is put in doubt and he have to take some more specific medical tests to make sure he can participate.

Looking at his watch and realizing that there isn't enough time to start exercising, he decides to postpone his standard workout until the evening. He has already gone running that morning, so even if he has an iced coffee at karaoke, it shouldn't affect his diet too much. Besides, he only had breakfast that day, so he could eat a snack while meeting his friends so no one questions him about his eating habits. He is slowly beginning to regret agreeing to go, knowing that their outing would probably end up, as always, in some cheap noodle bar or searching for street food around town, but he could always leave early, right?

“I'm not going to eat at home today. Gin proposed to go for pizza before karaoke and we’re all going there.” He informs his father, who sits at the coffee table in a living room and is doing something on his laptop. Paul only nods and wishes him to have fun without even glancing away from a screen.

Chuuya fast enters the bathroom and dress up a little more elegant than his casual clothes. Even though it is a simple friends’ gathering, he still tries to look stylish and neat. Not that some idiot would even notice that Chuuya matches his shirt to the colour of his eyes. This mackerel is probably blind anyway considering his dead glance. He also spends a little too much time styling his hair, which has recently started to break and split. Resigned, he combs it into a loose braid and covers the rest of his hair—the strands that has broken off and stick out in all directions—with the hat he once received from his father.

He leaves well ahead of time, he doesn’t want to stay any longer and risk getting to see what Paul is going to make for dinner, because there is a big chance that Chuuya would like to eat it with him. And it's not that his father cooks badly or unhealthily, because unless there is a holiday or guests at home, Paul cooks perfectly balanced and healthy meals. They are sometimes too western type and maybe he uses too much of olive oil, but it hasn’t been a problem. Due to the fact that Chuuya's mother has been dieting practically her entire life, and his father has brought home a very specific way of preparing filling meals full of vegetables and whole grains, the boy can safely say that he probably has the healthiest diet of all his friends. Therefore, it isn't about the quality of the food, it is just that Chuuya shouldn't eat so much. He has already eaten breakfast and will definitely eat something during the day, so that is enough for him. Besides, this dinner would probably be too high in calories anyway. He is startled out of his thoughts by the sound of the phone ringing.

“Chuuya!” Before he even has a chance to say hello, his friend decides to get straight to the point. “You need to help me!”

The redhead only snorts under his breath and heads toward a nearby park. When he finishes talking, he catches the train to the city centre from a nearby station.

“You have to teach me French!”

From all the things he has expected to hear that one is so abstractive that it isn’t even on the list.

“Albatross, what the fuck?”

“You have to teach me French!” He repeats as if the other boy simply didn’t hear him. “As soon as possible, this week for example!”

“Do I even want to ask you why?” The redhead murmurs more to himself than to his friend.

“So when can we start?” Albatross sounds as if he doesn’t pay any attention to what Chuuya says and only tries to find a certain solution to his problem.

Chuuya sighs quietly and even though he knows he’s going to regret, he asks why his friends wants to learn this language.

“What do you mean why?!” The boy bristles, and although Nakahara can't see him, he is sure that Albatross has just frowned and puffs out his cheeks, as if someone insulted him. “I’ve told you I’m gonna choose it as one of extra classes. But they were taught by an old granny who basically just asked us to hand in short assignments every now and then, which I did with Chat GPT. And suddenly, she decided to retire!”

“You can do something like that?”

“Dunno. Maybe she’s sick or something. Anyway, now we have a new professor who makes quizzes every week and wants us to take some big exam to pass the class!”

“And you know shit?” Chuuya asks rhetorically, noticing a bench nearby and sitting down on it. The wind is blowing particularly strongly today, and he has to adjust his scarf so that it won’t be blown away by the next gust. He is also beginning to regret not bringing gloves.

“Exactly! By the way, where are you? I hear some noise.”

“Oh, on the outside. I’m coming to karaoke right now.”

“Karaoke?! Why you always do best things when I’m not around?!” Albatross’ voice sounds disappointed. If Chuuya didn't know him better, he might even believe that the boy was actually sad about it.

“Always? It’s you who didn’t come to Yokohama since summer break!”

“If I knew you will cook for me, I would come!”

Ah, shit. Chuuya reluctantly remembers that one stupid photo on Dazai’s Instagram and apart from the huge number of hearts and comments under this post, one of the commenters was obviously Albatross, who very emphatically stated his position that Chuuya would be his chef for the next holidays.

“Where, you little shit? You’ve got a girlfriend and you’re straight, why are you jealous?”

“Oh, so Chuuya cooks only for these that he has a crash on.”

Fucking hell. Chuuya falls silent for a moment, realizing that he didn't have to respond that way at all. He could have just hung up, said he’s not worthy of his kitchen, anything. After all, Albatross has known him almost as long as Dazai, so it is obvious he would figure it out.

“Chuuya?” The voice on the other side becomes much more concerned and serious. “You didn’t talk with him, did you?”

“You know Dazai. He’s got a new date daily. He has broken up with another girl recently.”

“Great, maybe he will finally sees that women aren’t for him.” Albatross' attempts at comforting are tragic. Awful. But at least he tries. Chuuya even smiles sadly involuntarily when he hears them.

“He's been hanging out with one of the new students lately. A foreigner, I think, from somewhere in Europe.”

“And you are half-Japanese! Well, honestly, you look like more a foreigner.”

“Albatross, you don’t get it. I know Dazai. I’m not his type.” I’m not anyone’s type is left unsaid.

“That’s absurd! You’re the prettiest man I know! And I’m not even a gay!”

Chuuya laughs quietly.

“You don’t have to comfort me. I manage.”

“Chuu…”

“We’ll talk when you come here. Or when I go to Tokyo, deal?”

Chuuya really doesn't feel like having this conversation. He wants to spend today in peace, having fun with his friends, enjoying his last pleasant moments before the next semester. He doesn't want to spoil his mood before he even enters the karaoke bar. Fortunately, Albatross gives up asking him about his love life.

It turns out that “a friend” who Dazai wanted to take with him is none other than this Russian who spends a lot of time with the raiven-haired. Chuuya can’t even blame him, really, as he himself has spent most of the brake either working or sleeping off. He hasn’t had time for his best friend recently and it’s not like he is jealous or something. Actually, it’s great that Dazai has other friends beside Chuuya.

Even if that one new friend clings to him for the whole evening and Dazai laughs from something this Russian says every fucking five minutes. Nakahara really tries to not pay attention to that, talking mostly with Gin and singing. Additionally, he fortunately finds out that the karaoke bar offers, beside thousands of sweetened alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages, a simple green ice tea without sugar. At least this way he could drink something that contains almost no calories and not have to listen to Dazai calling him a boring health nut who only drinks water. Of course, the brunet finds another way to torment Chuuya, including challenging him to a duel, because no one could sing Passenger better than him. And Chuuya accepts the challenge, even though he knows that Dazai has a much better voice for this type of song.

That's why he tries harder than ever, as if winning a stupid bet would somehow encourage the brunette to be interested in him. As if this victory would emphasize Chuuya's value. Or maybe they both just want to tease each other and prove to the other that the one is better than aother. Maybe it is just their somewhat childish but still strong rivalry that actually helps them become best friends. Chuuya doesn’t know which of these things exactly motivates him, but it must have a strong effect on him, especially when he sees the result and finds out that he has beaten Dazai.

By one point.

But he wins! He doesn’t think he would succeed at all, and just looking at the screen that places his name in first place makes him feel slightly dizzy with joy.

“Chuuya’s cheating for sure!”

“Shut up, you stupid mackerel! Learn how to lose!” Chuuya growls to him and throws a nearby pillow at him, which Dazai, of course dodges. But even in their dispute over who should win, there is no real malice. Dazai smirks mischievously at every Chuuya’s word and Chuuya in turn – despite the fact that he wears scowl on his face for most time, it sometimes changes to gentle smile. Especially, when he sees the winning screen.

“Maybe we should take a break?” Naomi calls out at one point, silencing both Chuuya's banter with Dazai and the rest of the conversations. “I don’t know about all of you, but I’m getting hungry.”

Atsushi nods, as the most of people in the room, and reaches to the menu.

“I’ve heard they have a pretty good chazuke here.”

“Atsushi-kun, can you check if they have anything with crab meat?”

“Maybe you should let girls choose first, Nakajima.” Akutagawa's snarl makes Atushi involuntarily hand the menu to Gin, who is sitting next to him. She pays no attention to her brother and, as if to spite him, turns to the boy next to her.

“You said something about chazuke, what do you recommend?”

Fortunately, choosing and ordering dishes go smoothly, and while Naomi is arguing with her brother about the stir-fry sauce, Chuuya slips out of the room, saying he is going to the bathroom and to smoke outside. While washing his hands, he comes to the conclusion that it might be better to leave when everyone starts eating. His stomach is already demanding food, and the smell of fried noodles isn't going to change that. He sighs loudly and resignedly goes outside to smoke. Cigarettes usually help him ease hunger, so maybe it will work now too.

“No one told you that smoking stunt growth?”

Chuuya doesn’t even turn around at these words. He has heard them so many times that he stopped paying much attention to the people saying it. He still feels annoyed and continues to respond to them in a less than polite manner, but his anger dissipates fairly quickly.

“Fuck off.”

“It’s not a good way to treat your friends, Chuuya-kun. By the way, do you have a light?”

Chuuya snorts under his breath and reaches for a lighter in his pocket just to hand it to Fyodor.

The smile on the boy's face is polite, but it doesn’t seem entirely sincere. He stares at the redhead as if he knows something more than him and has no intention of sharing it.

“This is the second time I've spoken to you in my life. That's a bit low for ‘friends.’”

Not that Chuuya has a problem with the Russian. In fact, he has nothing against him personally, except that he resembles Dazai and spends quite a lot of time with him.

“By the way, it's a bit hypocritical to warn me against smoking when you do it yourself, you know that?”

“I don’t need to be taller, Chuuya-kun.”

“Leave my height out of it!” He snaps at him and throws his cigarette butt on the ground, then stomps on it angrily. He prefers to take it out on that rather than do something to his “new friend” and then have to listen to someone's complaints for a week. Irritated, he puts his hands in his pockets and is about to head back to the bar when he stops mid-step, hearing Fyodor's words:

“I wanted to congratulate you, by the way.”

He turns over his shoulder in surprise and gives him a questioning look.

“You may not have seen it, but Dazai's expression when he realized he had lost was one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. It was as if someone had taken a lollipop away from a child.”

Perhaps he will actually become friends with this Russian.

“Take a photo next time for me, would you?”

He returns to the room just before the wait staff brings them most of their orders. Chuuya is greatly surprised and alarmed to see that, in addition to his glass of tea, there is also a plate of fried noodles with vegetables and tofu on the table. He looks at Dazaia in confusion, wondering if someone has made a mistake when setting it, when the brunet smiles at him.

“You didn’t tell us what you want and we all decided that you deserve a reward after such a great performance.”

A simple nod from the rest of the group confirms Dazai's words, and Chuuya sits back down uncertainly.

“You could have just congratulated me verbally. But thanks anyway.” He is about to say that he isn't hungry, but decides to keep it to himself. It would be rude to refuse a meal that someone has prepared or ordered specially for him.

Chuuya really tries to eat something, choosing mainly tofu and vegetables and staying away from anything that might have even a little too many calories or carbohydrates. He also tries to chew very slowly and focus on something else, but the awareness that there is a group of people around him and that everyone is watching him makes him even more stressed. Even though no one is really watching him too closely and everyone is busy with their own plates, the redhead has the overwhelming feeling that every now and then someone's gaze would accidentally fall on him. That every bite he takes is being carefully evaluated. In the meantime, trying to eat as little as possible in as long time as possible, he talks for a short while with Dazai and Fyodor. However, it is more like listening to someone else's conversation and nodding in agreement, giving brief answers only when someone asks him something. At one point, his attention is drawn to a conversation between Gin and Naomi, who for some reason has started talking about their preferences. Why, when Naomi's brother is sitting right next to her? Who knows. Chuuya isn't even interested in that, he isn't even interested in women and would probably have ignored it completely if it weren't for the words spoken by Naomi:

“I like when man is well-build but to some extent, you know. Exactly as my brother, he has the perfect body! Anyway, I couldn’t be in a relationship with a fat man. Firstly: they are absolutely asexual, and secondly this is the sign that he doesn’t care about his health so why would he care about us?”

Gin swallows slowly what she has in her mouth and very calmly and gently replies:

“Honestly, I don’t really care about these things that much. I think I would rather choose someone skinner than not but it’s only my preference. They don’t have to be super muscular, too.”

“Right. I wouldn’t date a boy shorter than me…”

Chuuya turns to the opposite direction to not hear any more of that. He starts to bit his lower lip unconsciously and his stomach ties in a knot, so that any hunger or anything else he felt disappears irretrievably.

“Chuuya, you barely eat anything,” Dazai’s voice and his long finger digging into the redhead's cheek put him out of his head.

“I’m not really hungry.” He murmurs and to not worry others, he adds “I ate a big dinner.”

“Very well.” Dazai’s voice sounds as if he absolutely agrees with him, while his face shows that he doesn’t believe him, but he clearly has no intention of pursuing the subject. His finger continues to dig into the redhead's cheek, wrinkling it in the process. “ Chuuya has really soft cheeks, by the way. What do you think, Atsushi?”

The boy, completely snapped out of his eating trance, looks confused at the scene in front of him, then replies thoughtlessly:

“They're so round and full, like of a child. Quite cute.” As he says the last words, he suddenly realizes what he said, and seeing Chuuyi's cheeks begin to redden—whether from anger or embarrassment—he immediately starts to explain, bowing and apologizing. "I didn't mean to say anything bad, Chuuya-senpai! I meant that you look young, I-I mean... very good! You look great and I don't think...”

“Ah, you're right, Atsu...” Dazai doesn’t finish his thought because he immediately falls off the couch, hit by Chuuya.

“Don't touch me!” Chuuya's scream is sharp and loud. And actually, it is no different from his standard screams directed at the brunet. But this one time, there is a hint of fear and uncertainty in his voice. It is as if the aggression directed at Dazai is not caused only by anger, but by something much greater.

“I'm sorry, I got a little too pissed off...” he mutters under his breath when he realizes that most people are looking at him. “I think I'm going home.”

Actually, most people decide that it is indeed time leave. Nakahara curses silently, blaming himself for ruining the atmosphere and fun for everyone. Not only does he have nothing to offer in terms of looks, but his explosive temper is only good for ruining other people's lives. There is no use for someone like him. It is a miracle that his friends could still stand him. When he gets home, luckily his dad is on an important phone call, so they only exchange a few words. Upon entering the living room, he notices Kouyou sitting at the table with a cup of tea in her hand, staring blankly at the TV screen. When she sees him, she smiles immediately, but it is a tired and sad smile. Anyway, he could tell just by looking at her that she is exhausted. Still, when she acknowledges Chuuya’s presence, she immediately stands up and offers him tea.

“Sure, why not,” he replies only because he feels that if he refused her, his sister would sink even deeper into destructive thoughts.

A moment later, a mug full of steaming liquid, which is his favourite tea, is placed in front of him.

“Hard day?” She asks, seeing his devastated face.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Same here.” She replies honestly and embraces him with one arm.

Chuuya sighs quietly and moves closer to the woman, inhaling the scent of her delicate floral perfume and the light aroma of tea. For a moment, he feels better, even though no words are spoken.

Kouyou doesn't ask him anything else that evening. She knows her brother well enough to know that there are times when he can't express his feelings and needs to process everything on his own before coming to her for help. Or maybe he wouldn't come at all, but rushing the process wouldn't change anything anyway. So, she simply allows both herself and him to enjoy the closeness and silence. The privilege of having a loving brother and father who is constantly trying to make amends for his mistakes. And even though her mother has had always put obstacles in her way and has never been fair to her, she is grateful even for that. Especially when she keeps replaying today's events in her head, running around to a million offices with Yosano, as well as the conversations with her, which were difficult and often didn't make any sense. When she had to beg her friend for weeks to let her help her, she is only glad that she has managed to establish a good relationship with Kyouka, who runs away from almost all strangers and reacts with tears to every touch. That, and conversations with their psychotherapist, who, although he does his job perfectly, is very reluctant to talk to Kouyou, hiding behind some kind of best therapist's secret or something like that. On top of that, she still has to find a lawyer and gather evidence that could be presented to the police. And although Yosano is all for making the bastard answer for what he did to her daughter, she cares less about herself. She has been so hurt and manipulated by her own husband that she believes she is to blame for most of what had happened. And she insisted that she deserved such treatment. Seeing her in such a state was a complete shock to Kouyou. She has known Yosano as a confident, funny person with a leadership personality. She never thought anyone could make her so quiet and frightened. And all she can do is try to bring back the energetic, slightly intimidating, but beautiful person she knows. Even if it means more stress, a lot of money, sleepless nights, and arguments with other people.

Notes:

Thank you all for your support under the last chapter!
It gave me the motivation to write this chapter faster. Hope I manage to update it more regularly from now on

Chapter 10: 10. Crepes

Notes:

TW: Mention of child abuse

Apparently, staring at your reflection in the mirror for too long can cause you to see distorted shapes, and your face will no longer resemble your own. Chuuya really wants to believe that this is why he sees those awful chubby cheeks and overly round chin, and not because his face has decided to accumulate fat with the same determination as Dazai accumulates methods of suicide. According to many online guides, the face is the first place you lose weight, but the redhead is beginning to sincerely doubt this fact. Atsushi is right—his face is too round and huge. A slight smile causes a huge fold of skin to appear between his mouth and eyes. Disgusting. He looks like a child. Like a small, fat hamster with those cheeks. He aggressively grabs a piece of skin on his face and wants to cut it off, burn it, do anything to get rid of it.

“Chuuya! Are you going to be long there?”

Ane-san’s voice snaps him out of the trance and instinctively he lets go of his cheek, which is all red from pulling and pinching it.

“I’m almost done.”

Without looking at his reflection in the mirror, he quickly brushes his teeth and leaves the bathroom. It is the last day off before the start of the new semester, and he intends to at least get some rest today before he starts studying again and, worse, returns to work at the café. Kouyou herself forced him to take a few days off before school, aware that he has spent the first part of his mid-semester break working. And although Chuuya is very grateful to her for these extra days off, he also knows that these are actually his last days off, because the woman has become far too involved in her friend's case.

“Will you make breakfast for Kyouka when she wakes up?” Kouyou asks, passing him in the bathroom doorway. “We have an appointment with Akiko’s lawyer today and we don’t want to wake Kyouka so early.”

“Sure.”

Chuuya doesn’t pay much attention to what is said to him. He has noted that he has to make food for the girl and probably take care of her later, but nothing more. The one thing that is mostly in his mind is how to get rid of this damn fat from his face. Almost all his friends has a normal face’s shape, none of them has ugly, chubby cheeks like Chuuya. None of them has hair that naturally curled, which only emphasizes the oval shape of their faces. Why, for fuck sake, Chuuya can’t have cheekbones as prominent as Dazai?! Why can’t his hair be shiny and thick like Ane-san's, but instead highlights his excess weight?! Why the hell does he look the way he does?!
Chuuya has to bit his own wrist to not start crying. He hears that Yosano and Kouyou are getting to leave in the corridor. Paul has already gone, probably to some business meeting or something. Now that Chuya has practically given his room to someone else, it is even harder for him to control his emotions. And he doesn’t even want to admit it to himself, but not being able to lock himself in his room and vent his frustration and self-loathing is no longer so easy. His father and sister have started subtly persuade him to eat more. It becomes more difficult for him to sneak away from a family dinner.

On the other hand, he knows he has to get a grip and manage. He has promised to help his sister’s friend as much as he can. He even likes Yosano and her daughter, who needed a couple of days to stop hiding behind her mother's skirt whenever she saw him or Paul. It’s only for some more days or weeks. He can do it. In the worst-case scenario, he'll spend more time exercising. He's going back to school tomorrow, so he won't have to eat anything except dinner with his family. It will be better. Just get rid of those damn chubby cheeks, those overly massive thighs, that overly large belly, and…

“Chuuya-ni-san?”

Someone’s quiet, gentle voice takes him out of his destructive thoughts. Only now he has realized that he tugs at his hair with his hands, and tears appear on his cheeks.

“Chuuya-ni-san? Are you okay?”

Kyouka’s voice is calm, but her gaze is unfocused, as if the girl has seen such a sight before and is trying to calm the boy down.

“Hey, I’m fine.” Chuuya crouches down beside her and smiles lightly. “All’s right.”

“You’re lying. Mom always lies when she cries, too.”

The redhead opens his eyes wider in surprise and starts to wipe his tears from his face. Apparently Kyouka is much more intelligent child that he has thought.

“Kyouka-chan, I’m just stressing about school. I'm going to apply to university soon, and it scares me a little. But everything will be fine.”

Kyouka observes him closely for a moment as if trying to check if he lies to her again, but soon she smiles gently at him.

“Kouyou-ane-san says that you’ll be okay! So I’m sure you’ll be!”

Chuuya smiles wider and breaths a silent sigh of relief that, despite her intelligence, Kyouka is still only a seven-year-old girl.

“Thanks, Kyouka-chan. Are you hungry, by the way?”

She nods at the question.

“What do you like to eat for breakfast?”

The girl looks as if she is wondering about the reply, so Chuuya urges her to choose whatever she wants.

“Really anything?” The girl looks as if, for the first time in her life, she has the opportunity to wish for something more than the bare minimum necessary to live. Her eyes shine when the boy nods encouragingly, and she says quietly, almost reverently:

“Crepes. With strawberries and cream, please.”

Chuuya wonders for a moment and then, in a slightly uncertain tone, he asks:

“We don’t have any strawberries and I’m not sure if we find anything good in the shop nearby, but I think my dad brought some confiture from France. Will it be okay to use it instead of strawberries?”

Kyouka gives him a surprised look.

“What is a confi… confitare?”

“Something like a paste made from cooked fruit? You know what, I'll let you try it.”

Not waiting for a reply, he reaches into the cupboard for the aforementioned confiture, opens the jar, and takes out a small spoon, which he then hands to the girl. She hesitantly scoops a little of the strange substance onto the spoon and tastes it, then smiled broadly and nods.

“It’s good!”

Chuuya smiles and starts making crepes. It turns out that the girl is very helpful person when she gets used to someone. She happily hands Chuuya the necessary ingredients and helps him mix the dough. He completely forgets about his breakdown that morning, spending most of the time talking to Kyouka or telling her about his life. It also turns out that despite her young age, Kyouka is already a fan of Disney movies, which meant they have a lot to talk about. Although Chuuya would never openly admit it, he still believes that many of these films are much more than just cartoon for kids.

“Kyouka-chan, can you hand me the confiture? It’s on the table.”

Chuuya has already finished frying and begins preparing the filling for them finally . He makes just enough for the girl and maybe a few for Yosano and Kouyou to try when they come back. Making too many could end up with him wanting to eat one himself, and that is not an option. Unfortunately, he already ate his breakfast and lunch yesterday because Kouyou wouldn't leave him alone and even brought him a plate of food while he was studying in the living room. Today, plain black coffee is absolutely enough for him.

The sound of breaking glass suddenly snaps him out of his reverie, and Chuuya almost automatically turns off the gas under the pan, turning around to see a terrified Kyouka and a broken jar next to her. He quickly walks over to her, trying not to step on the glass and carefully checking to see if the girl is hurt anywhere.

“What happened?!”

Kyouka curls up even more upon hearing these words and begins to forcefully stifle the tears welling up in her eyes. Chuuya moves closer to her and raises his hand, and she instinctively covers herself, expecting a blow and screams. After all, she deserves it. She is a big girl now, she should be able to handle such simple tasks.

But the blow never came. She barely feels Chuuya gently stroking her head instead.

“Are you hurt anywhere? Any pain?”

Only then does she dare to open her eyes, and instead of the anger and disappointment she expects to see, she sees the sincere and worried gaze of the boy, who keeps looking at her from time to time, as if searching for something.

“Kyouka-chan, can you hear me?”

“I.. I’m fi-fine.” She says after a moment. “I’m sorry, Chuuya-san! I didn't-didn’t want to…”

“Right, let’s take you out of here firstly.” Chuuya doesn’t even pay attention to her apologies. “ I’m going to pick you up and carry you out of here so that neither of us gets hurt, okay?”

Chuuya lifts the girl with one swift movement and carries her out of the kitchen and places on the floor in the living room, after she nods at his question.

“It’s okay, Kyouka-chan. It was an accident, these things happen, okay? But I'm afraid we won't be able to make your dream crepes without it.”

“You-you don’t have to…”

“You know, I’ve got an idea. I'll clean up this mess and we'll go for crepes, what do you say? I know a great place where they have them with cream and strawberries!”

Kyouka nods uncertainly, still unable to fully understand why Chuuya not only doesn’t yell at her, but even still wants to make her breakfast. And he doesn’t let her clean up, saying that she would only hurt herself and to get ready to go out instead. Her dad never took her anywhere.

Chuuya takes Kyouka to the same café he was with Kenji recently. Fortunately, beside the standard breakfast and cakes menu, it also has an offer for kids and the girl could not only enjoy her long-awaited crepes, but also a huge mug of cocoa with marshmallows. Nakahara smiles when he sees she has completely recovered from the situation at home and seems not to even remember what happened. Or at least he thinks so. He doesn’t know much about child abuse and how to help kids suffering because of that, but he’s glad he managed to control his voice back then in a kitchen and calmed Kyouka down. He should ask Kouyou about it later.

In order not to intimidate his companion, but also not to tempt himself with the sight of overly sweet and caloric crepes, he looks around. He specifically asked for a table at the back, which is a little further into the café, so that many people entering do not see him, but from his seat he has a perfect vantage point for the cash register, the entrance, and a few other customers. At one point, his attention is drawn to two people sitting a few meters away from them. The table they are sitting at is even more hidden than Chuuya’s one, and the boy is sure that this place is designed to ensure maximum discretion for customers. He has to lean forward a little to see it, but once he does, he realizes that the people he is watching are Oda and the former student council president, Sakaguchi.

Well, it wouldn’t be anything unusual years ago, after all, the student council certainly has their hands full at the beggining of new semester, and it is only natural that Sakaguchi would need to discuss something with one of the teachers. Especially considering how much care and commitment Oda shows to all his students. Chuuya has never even had classes with him, but because of his acquaintance with Dazai, Oda would occasionally ask him how he is doing and even offer to help him with math before Dazai offered himself.

Anyway, why do they meet up now? And especially why they chose the café for this meeting? Chuuya always assumes that most school matters are dealt with at school, right? And what else would they talk about it? Maybe even after graduating, Sakaguchi still…

He doesn’t have time to think about it any further when someone tugs at his sweatshirt sleeve. The boy turns around to see Kyouka, who somewhat shyly points to her plate with half a crepe left on it and says:

“I left for you, Chuuya-san.”

“Oh, thanks, but I’ve already eaten my breakfast, Kyouka-chan,” he smiles. “All for you.”

The girl just nods, and after Chuuya assures her again that no, he isn't hungry, she finishes her food. At the same time, the boy finishes his coffee and notices that Oda and Sakaguchi disappeared somewhere, but he doesn’t think about it anymore. Apparently, they have already discussed the matter they met to discuss.

He spends most of the day mindlessly browsing the internet and “tutoring” Albatross , which in reality consists more of Chuuya cursing at him in every language he knows, while the blonde still doesn’t understand why the words he writes are so different from the ones he pronounces, and why anyone would need so many tenses in a language.

“Wait a minute, Dazai is calling me,” he says at some point but Albatross doesn’t even pay attention, still trying to make sense of what he is learning.

“Chuuya! I have a very important question!”

“Yes?.”

Chuuya doesn’t expect any real important question. Dazai has his usual mocking tone, and besides, he tends to exaggerate small things.

“If you were going on a date, what would you wear?”

Something cold settles in his stomach and makes him hold his breath. It is a very unusual question, especially coming from someone who goes on dates about once a week.

“Dunno. Depends on where I go probably?” The quiet grunts of dissatisfaction on the other end of the phone indicate that Dazai is not satisfied with his answer. “I don't fucking know. Something elegant but comfortable, I think? Like a nice shirt and maybe some fitted jeans? And maybe oxfords shoes or something like that? A hat?”

“Mhm. Noted, thanks!”

Before he hangs up, Chuuya manages to ask him:

“Why you asked?”

“Oh, I'm going on a date with Sasaki-chan today! And because Chuuya has such terrible taste in fashion, I have to make sure what I definitely shouldn't wear! Thanks!”

“You fucking…”

Irritated, he throws a nearby pillow on the floor, then sighs loudly and looks back at Albatross, who is still on the call and on camera, smiling cheekily when he sees Chuuya’s expression.

“A lovers' quarrel?”

The laptop is slammed shut with such force that Chuuya can only thank his lucky stars that nothing has happened to it. Not knowing how to get rid of the anger and resentment he feels toward everything after a long day, he realizes that dinner would soon be ready. Dinner prepared by Kouyou, who for several days has been watching every bite he ate with sniper-like precision and commenting on everything he ate. No, fuck, there is no way he is staying in this place a moment longer. Without thinking too much about it, he quickly changes into his gym clothes and, standing in the doorway, shouts to his sister.

“I'm going to the gym! I'll eat later!”

He closes the door behind him before anyone could stop him. As for the aforementioned dinner, well, he'll probably eat mostly vegetables and soup and give the rest to Dazai tomorrow in school. That fucking idiot can’t take care of himself, at all.

Notes:

A little shorter one today.
Dazai's going to have a new girlfriend, I wonder what Chuuya will do about it?

Chapter 11: 11. A girl

Chuuya has known that today is not a good day to go to school since morning. Or to be out of the bed for that matter. He overslept and didn’t have time to make himself a cup of coffee, which literally means no breakfast for him. He almost forgot his bag and was late for his train which made him late to his first class.

As if it wasn’t enough, he woke up with a piercing headache that is a herald of coming migraine. He shouldn’t have got up. But of corse he wouldn’t do something like that. He doesn’t want to miss classes at the start of a new semester and he doesn’t want to worry his family. And to be honest, Kouyou's cheerful conversation with Paul, accompanied by Kyouka's chatter, only makes his headache worse. And at any other time, he would gladly join in the morning chat. But today, all he wants is to lie on his bed and not get up again. Preferably until the end of the week.

When he finally gets to school, he struggles through the first few hours of classes, and his migraine only gets worse, spreading from his forehead and temple to the entire right side of his face with a dull, throbbing pain. On top of that, he isn't sure if he is feeling sick because of another math class, because of his migraine, or because he hasn't eaten anything since yesterday. Or maybe all of the above.
In any case, just when he thinks things couldn't get any worse, the universe has to prove him wrong. And all because he has left his things in the classroom. He isn't even sure how he left for lunch break without his bag in the first place, but apparently the headache has already affected his brain and he is unable to think anymore. Considering his concentration and notes from the last class, it is quite likely.
He never expects, however, that when he opens the classroom door, he will see Dazai kissing passionately with a girl. She has thick, dark hair and long legs, which she wraps tightly around the boy's hips. Even from this perspective, he can see that she is tall and slim. She has a delicate, thin face and pretty, fair skin. Chuuya would never be able to look half as good.

Almost automatically, before he even realizes what he is doing, he closes the door as quickly as he has opened it. Immediately afterwards, he moves away from the room and leans against the wall, shaking.
No, it's not happening. He's hallucinating. He hasn't seen Dazai kissing ferociously with a girl. No.
IT IS NOT HAPPENING.
He feels himself becoming even more nauseous, his stomach ties in a knot that is impossible to untangle. The pain in his head becomes so severe that every noise, every flash of light makes it worse. Everything before his eyes is becoming blurred and something is crushing his facial bones.

“Chuuya-kun?”

He hears someone’s worried voice from far away. As if they talk behind a glass. Someone touches his arm, trying to keep him upright.

“What happened? Are you feeling sick?”

With great difficulty, he raises his head and bites his lip hard when he notices Oda’s concerned face in front of him.

Dazai has an exceptionally good day. Sasaki turns out to be a really interesting and experienced person in the art of relationship. To tell the truth, he has no intention of continuing this relationship for more than a month. He generally believes that this is enough time to get as much out of the relationship as possible, to get to know each other well enough to know what position would be best for them, but not enough to bring up their childhood traumas. And then part ways on friendly terms, enjoying the time spent together. He has been doing this since he is 15 and doesn't feel particularly bad about it. Of all the girls and boys, he has been with, only a small percentage were disappointed with Dazai's behaviour. Of course, some of them fell in love with him and made a scene when they broke up, but almost all of them agreed with him afterwards.

So, he isn't hurting anyone. Well, except himself, using sex and short but passionate relationships to quench his inner desire to be loved, which he has never experienced at home. But that's a matter for his therapist. And Dazai will deal with that someday at one of his sessions, once they're done working through his issues with his father. And then his depression. Well, still a long way to go.

“Atsushi-kun, don’t you know where is Chibi?”

Strange. Chuuya always brings bentou for Dazai and if for some reason he doesn’t do it (for example Dazai made fun of his height or intellect the day before), Dazai always knows about it. The redhead is, after all, a man of his word, and there never been a situation in which he failed to fulfil a promise or obligation without a valid reason. Quite unlike the raven-haired.

“I saw him speaking to Oda-sensei.”

Akutagawa replies without any emotions in his voice, not letting the boy next to him say even a word in.

“Hm… and when did you see them?”

“At the beginning of the lunch break?” He shrugs. “I think they were going to teacher's room.”

If Chuuya went with Odasaku to teacher’s room, it is quite likely that he could get involved in a fight again. Or fail a test, although that is less possible given that it is the beginning of the semester and Odasaku never do them right after a break. There is one last possibility—Odasaku decided for some reason that Chuuya needed help. And given his caring nature, the chibi could just have tripped over his untied shoelaces, and Odasaku would have made sure he hadn't broken his leg in the process. Dazai himself sometimes receives messages from him at random times of the day asking if he has eaten today or ordering him to go to bed.

“Chuuya-senpai is a little different recently.” Atsushi says casually, absentmindedly poking at food with his chopsticks. “He barely spends lunch breaks with us. And rarely gets out.”

“He doesn’t spend lunch breaks with us, because he’s on a diet, you idiot.” Akutagawa snaps at him. “Would you enjoy watching others eat?”

“If Chuuya doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable, he should just eat together with us.” Dazai briefly sums up the whole discussion. “I am myself tired of his dubious behaviours. Since he started this strange diet, he also controls my food and gives me more vegetables than meat! Ne, Atsushi-kun, this is an atrocity, isn’t it?”

The boy moves closer to his younger friend, putting his arm around him and seeking support in this terrible situation. And, incidentally, stealing one of the rice balls Atsushi has in his lunchbox.

“I-I think he just cares about your health.”

“Ugh… you’re not funny, you know?” Dazai sighs and looks at the raven-haired next to him. “Ryuunosuke-kun! You will support me, for sure! After all, you practice judo, so you know how important food is for a growing man!”

The boy clearly tenses and wonders for a moment what should he answer at that and if he actually wants to answer. But on the other hand, Dazai is his senpai. It wouldn’t be nice to give him silent treatment.

“You’re right.” He says very slowly. “However, I think Chuuya-senpai is doing it for your own good.”

“If he was doing it for my good, he would give me more crab! Or less these green things, at least.” Dazai whines with his mouth full of rice. “It’s disgusting and you have to eat a lot of them to feel full.”

“Chuuya-senpai…”

“I think Dazai’s right.” Atsushi interrupts Akutagawa, swallowing loudly and knowing that the ominous look thrown in his direction is not an empty threat. On the other hand, he notices that his senpai is watching him with interest and nods to encourage him to continue. Probably only because he expects praise and wants to drown in admiration for himself. “I mean, you’re right that only vegetables aren’t enough. Even Kunikida-senpai once gave us a lecture on what a balanced diet looks like...”

“And Chuuya-senpai corrects him, remember? Anyway, not everyone eats as much as you do and doesn't give a damn about their appearance, you moron. Let others live their lives.”

“But that's not about it, at all! He's even stopped going out with us anywhere! And when he does, he always says he can't eat anything because it's over his calorie limit! What is a calorie limit anyway!”

“Are you really that stupid or just pretending?! After all...”

Their argument is interrupted by loud laughter from someone nearby. Confused, they both turn at the same moment in the same direction to see Dazai with his phone pointed at them and a mischievous smirk on his face.

“Chibi wouldn’t believe that you quarrel about his diet. I must show him!”

They both blush when they realize how strange their argument sounds now that someone has said it out loud. Akutagawa even starts explaining himself quietly and asks not to share this video with anyone, when Atsushi, still intimidated, but obviously continuous.

“But didn't you agree with me yourself?”

Dazai only shrugs at that, rather occupied with his phone than a reply.

“I don’t like Chuuya’s new diet, cause he stops making delicious meals. And he doesn't want to go to his fancy cafes with me anymore. But he’s Chuuya. It’ll probably pass in a few weeks.”

“Are you sure it’s nothing serious?”

Chuuya nods very slowly. Even that slight movement causes another wave of pain shooting through his head. He grimaces and puts his hand to his face, leaning on the desk.

“Kouyou-san’s home? If not, I’ll let her know that I drive you home.”

Oda is already pulling out his phone, searching for the right number in his contacts while looking uncertainly at the boy sitting across from him. Chuuya has described his symptoms in great detail, and according to the internet and his own knowledge, Nakahara is indeed suffering from a migraine. He also glanced through his documents and actually found a note from his general practitioner about the student's health. Still, he has a bad feeling about what happened. Chuuya is much less energetic than usual. And sure, pain that radiates from your forehead and temple to your entire face is unlikely to put you in a good mood, but his voice and behaviour are also different. He is more subdued, less talkative, and somewhat depressed. Oda really wants to make sure that nothing serious is going on with not only one of his students, but also with Dazai's friend.

“She’s at… work.” Even the way he speaks is slower. “But my dad came home recently and I think he doesn’t work today.”

The teacher only nods and starts looking through the boy's documents for his father's phone number. Even though he doesn’t know full story of Chuuya’s life, he thinks that his dad doesn't really have regular working hours. He frequently has been away on business trips, so Oda is already mentally preparing himself for the cancellation of his next classes.
To his surprise, Paul not only picks up the phone, but also – judging by noises in the background – has left the home before they finish their conversation. And although his voice is very calm and his questions are factual, but after so many years working with kids and talking with their parents, Oda is able to conclude that the man is greatly concerned about his son. Deep down, he sighs with relief, because it’s awful enough that Dazai has virtually non-existent relationships with his parents. At least, Chuuya has someone who tries to take care of him.

He looks back at the boy, who hasn't changed his position at all, and takes the news that his father is coming for him with complete indifference.

“Do you want some water? It's almost the end of lunch break, and you probably haven't even had time to eat anything. Would you like me to bring you something?”

Before he even reaches for the bottle of water on a desk, he is stopped by a harsh voice.

“ ’m nauseous from ‘igraine.”

Oda does not attempt further conversation after Chuuya drops his head onto the desk and covers himself from the world with his arms. The noise from the hallway outside the door and the bright light probably do not help him in his condition.
Nevertheless, the teacher leaves a glass of water by him. The rest of brake passes in silence and, fortunately, does not last too long. When the student's father enters the office, he tries to settle all matters with him as quickly as possible, asking about the frequency and severity of the boy's migraines. It turns out that they both share the worrying view that it might not be just a headache, which somehow reassures Oda that, if necessary, Chuuya would receive the appropriate help. The redhead looks as if he is half-conscious as he walks with his father to the car, and Sakusunoke makes a mental note to ask Dazai later how his friend is feeling.

Chapter 12: 12. The library

Chuuya wakes up in the late afternoon. On the bed he hasn’t sleep in for several years, in a room he usually passes by indifferently. Once, it was his parents’ bedroom, and now it serves as both bedroom and office for his father. Despite this, it still has items that reminded of the boy's mother. As for example the picture of geisha on the wall, which she adores. Or one of the book guides on weight loss.

He opens his eyes uncertainly and breathes a sigh of relief when all he sees is the pleasant twilight enveloping the room. He sighs quietly, feeling the pain still piercing somewhere around his temple, but less than it was a few hours ago. Apparently, the medication and sleep has helped him at least minimize the symptoms of his migraine. On the bedside table next to him there is a glass of water, a blister pack of painkillers, and his phone. He slowly sits up to drink, but immediately feels dizzy. It takes him a few seconds to regain control of the spinning world around him. Judging by the muffled sound of the TV coming from behind the wall, someone must be home. The boy falls back onto the pillows, not wanting to risk talking to anyone just yet. He still isn't sure if his body is ready to face the harsh light and sounds of the world around him. Besides, only now does he begin to remember all the events of today. How shitty he has felt since morning. Dazai kissing some girl in class. Isn't her name Sasaki? Then he was definitely with Oda-sensei somewhere, but their entire conversation is just a blurry memory with no clear shape. Returning home and seeing his dad's worried face when Chuuya spent half an hour in the bathroom vomiting. He is kind of astonished that he had something to vomit at all, considering that he didn’t eat anything in over twenty-four hours. The very thought of it makes his stomach cramp up inside him. For a moment, he fears that the nausea has returned, but after a moment he realizes it is just hunger. Well, he should eat something today. Although he notices that not eating all day is slowly becoming quite bearable for him. He gets used to the emptiness and the hunger pangs in his stomach. In a way, he even likes it. The awareness that he is able to control his body and finally control how much he eats. He feels light and awesome.

After a while, he reaches for his phone and unlocks it. He grimaces slightly at the bright light of the screen, and for a few seconds, the throbbing pain in his head returns, but then it subsids. A bunch of notifications appears on his phone's home screen. He isn't particularly surprised, after all, he suddenly disappeared from school. Not wanting to explain what has happened to anyone yet, he opens a conversation with the cafe staff. He does it more out of boredom than actual interest, because his shift isn't until next week, and even then, it is on the weekend. He skims through all the messages, politely refusing Yuan's offer to take her shift and casually joining in on complaints about a certain customer.

After a while, he sighs quietly and reluctantly opens the message from Tachihara, but is glad that the boy only asked him if he could help him with English, because his exams went terribly. Next is Gin, to whom he briefly describes what happened and copies the same message to a few other people. For a moment, he wonders why Dazai is asking him if he is feeling better and that if he needs it, he could get him some very good medicine from Mori, and then Chuuya realizes that Oda must have told him everything. Of course, Dazai must have such a good relationship with him. In any case, Chuuya doesn’t really feel like talking to him, so he just replies that he is feeling better. He sees that Dazai is typing a reply, but he ignores it completely and puts his phone aside. In fact, he doesn’t even know why he doesn't want to talk to him. It isn't like he has exclusive rights to the brunet or that they promised each other anything. They are just friends. It is normal for Dazai to find a girlfriend. He has been dating various people ever since he found out that his penis isn't just for peeing. Anyway, it isn't the first time. Sure, kissing in the middle of the classroom during break isn't particularly decent or a good idea, but what difference does it make? Chuuya shouldn't feel so bad about it.

Resigned, he gets up and, preparing himself for a barrage of concerned looks and questions, leaves the room and heads for the living room. Fortunately for him, the only people in the apartment are Akiko and Kyouka. They are both sitting on the sofa in the living room with the TV turned down low. Akiko is reading a book, and Kyouka is doing her homework at the table. Chuuya takes a deep breath, then lets it out and closes the door behind him. The light in the living room causes another momentary flare-up of pain, making him grimace involuntarily.

“Oh, Chuuya-kun. How are you feeling? Do you want me to turn off the lights?”

Yosano instantly asks him specific questions and at that moment stands by the light switch. The boy bits his lip and replies:

“It’s okay. Maybe… if you can turn on that lamp near you instead.”

The woman obediently turns off the light and switches on a large room lamp that stands in the corner of the room. It has a warm, yellow light that allows for a slight twilight to remain in the room. Chuuya appreciates the gesture.

“How are you feeling? Kouyou should be home any time.”

“Much better than in school.” He answers, sitting next to the girl and looking at her notebook indifferently. “It’s just a little headache.”

“And what about your nausea? Or reaction to light and noise? Are you sure this lamp is fine?”

“Akiko-san, I’m all right. As long as it's not a loud noise or bright light, it's okay. I don't feel sick. I said, just a headache.”

At that moment, Akiko visibly breathes a sigh of relief, and even Kyouka stops doing her homework to listen to the conversation.

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” And after noticing that her daughter has interested in Chuuya’s condition, she asks “Are you hungry? We made you miso soup. It is easy to digest, so you shouldn't feel worse after eating it.”

Chuuya opens his mouth to deny, when he realises that he is actually starving. Besides, miso isn't a high-calorie soup anyway.

“I could eat. Thank you.” He replies evasively, still feeling uncomfortable about being so hungry.

“Mom! Can I bring it?” Kyouka gets up almost immediately and looks at the woman with a hopeful gaze.

“Yes, honey.” Yosano pats her head gently. “Just be careful to not spill anything.”

The girl runs enthusiastically out of the room toward the kitchen.

“She insisted on making crepes for you, but we convinced her that it wasn't the best meal for someone with a migraine.”

“Oh, she’s great.” Chuuya says. “By the way, I appreciate the concern, but your earlier questions were extremely precise. It was almost like I was talking with a doctor.”

“I’ve studied medicine, but I had to drop out. That’s why I would prefer you to be honest with me about your symptoms. Your sister's worried.”

Chuuya chuckles a little and raises his hands in a defensive gesture.

“I don’t have anything to hide. You were saying you had to drop out. I won't be too nosy if I ask what happened?”

Yosano smiles wildly at that question.

“Kyouka happened.”

Chuuya lets out a sigh of relief when, at that very moment, the girl returns with a tray on which she put a bowl of soup and a smaller bowl of rice. Her arrival saves him from the awkward situation he got himself into. On the other hand, Yosano does not seem to be offended by his question in any way.

“Don't look at me like you want to apologize but don't know how. It wasn’t some traumatic event in my life.”

“Sure, still sorry. I mean… damn, I didn’t want to be rude…”

“You weren’t. Now eat.”

Chuuya nods, not wanting to continue this discussion. Feeling Kyouka's burning gaze on him, who was probably helping to prepare the meal and waiting for his opinion, he politely begins to eat. He doesn't want to disappoint either the girl or Akiko. Besides, Kouyou probably already told all her friends about his eating habits. He doesn't want to hear from yet another person that he isn't eating enough when he is fucking eating way too much. His worries and anxiety do not disappear after eating the meal, but at least his stomach ache is gone, and the dizziness does not return.

 

“You're mixing up the word order. You get confused with adverbs and verbs in a sentence, which is why you make so many mistakes. And you also have some spelling mistakes.”

After hearing that “review” of his language skills, Tachihara groans loudly. He looks at the words that Chuuya is pointing with his pen and then on their correct spelling and sighs.

“I don’t like English letters. They’re strange.”

“They are Latin letters, Tachihara.”

“They can’t even come up with their own letters! And I should learn their language?!” He snorts indignantly and crosses his arms across his chest.

“Most of the Japanese alphabet consists of Chinese characters,” Chuuya replies with a straight face. “Besides, unfortunately, a part of the world's population uses the Latin alphabet.”

The boy just lowers his head and curls up even more. Chuuya sighs quietly, reaching for his notebook and pass it closer to his friend.

“It’s difficult only at the beginning. Then it will be easier.” He puts his arm around him to comfort him. “We'll start with grammar, okay? Slowly. If necessary, I'll help you until the exams.”

At that words Tachihara visibly beams and throws himself into Chuuya’s arms, hugging him closely.

“You’re the best! Yes, let’s do it!”

Immediately afterwards, he listens with much greater enthusiasm as the redhead explains the intricate mysteries of English grammar to him. At least, that's how it looks from his perspective. Chuuya seems like some kind of expert on secret codes when he explains the differences between the various parts of speech, their place in a sentence, and then when each tense is used. He uses simple, clear language and adds the English equivalent to all the important terms so that Tachihara could understand even if the instruction is in English. On top of that, Chuuya looks incredibly beautiful when he is teaching something. His gaze is focused, but a gentle smile wanders across his face, widening every time his student does the task correctly. In the setting sun of a January evening, his hair takes on a darker, softer shade of burning fire. Tachihara wonders why it was only a few months ago that he has noticed how beautifully his eyes sparkle when he is happy. How much they resemble the clear sky at noon.

“Michizou! Idiot, hey!” Someone's hand waves in front of his face, and only then does he realize that he has completely drifted off. He blinks uncertainly, seeing Chuuya's face very close to his, looking at him with curiosity, and when he gets no response, he sighs quietly and moves away. “Well, it's quite late, maybe we should call it a day.”

“Chuuya, will you go out with me?”

The words come out of his mouth before he even realizes it. He feels his cheeks burning with embarrassment and probably has the most foolish expression on his face in the world, but since it already happened, he will press on.

“Are you okay?”

The boy just nods vigorously several times, as if confirming his condition. Chuuya stares at him in bewilderment for a moment, certain that it is some kind of strange joke or that Tachihara is simply so lost in thought that he doesn't realize what reality he is in. But when the silence drags on and he doesn't deny anything, the redhead sighs involuntarily and looks away, feeling terrible about having to reject his friend.

“Michizou, I… you are a great friend…”

His words are interrupted by a loud bang from the far end of the library, near the back room. They look at each other in horror and silently agree that this conversation could wait. Considering that it is already late afternoon, they have been convinced that they are the only visitors to the library. However, it has turned out that someone else decides to spend the day studying and apparently hurts themselves. Chuuya looks toward the librarian's desk, but notices that the man is not there. Therefore, he hurries toward the bookshelves at the end of the room, immediately shouting to see if anyone is okay. Tachihara runs right behind him.

However, instead of a poor student weighed down by books or a bookcase, they find two second-year students. The girl's shirt is unbuttoned, revealing her small but round breasts in a lace bra. One of her knee-high socks has slipped down. Her partner is in no better condition, with his pants unzipped and his shirt sleeves rolled up, kneeling astride her. His right hand is disappearing somewhere under the fabric of the girl's skirt. Books from an overturned bookcase are scattered around them. They are both breathing heavily and blushing, but definitely not because they have been caught.

“Dazai, what the fuck are you doing?!”

“You guys were doing it in the school library?” Even saying it out loud doesn't make Tachihara believe what he is seeing.

“Oi, guess we were too loud, after all,” the raven-haired says flirtatiously, to which the girl just giggles quietly. “Hey, Chuuya, Tachihara-kun. Sorry for the mess. We definitely didn't want to disturb you.”

“But we have certainly made your studying session a little more interesting.” Sasaki adds, smiling at them.

Chuuya opens his mouth to say something but closes it afterwards. Then he opens it again but the words are stuck in his throat.

What the fuck.

Sure, Chuuya understands that people have different kinks. That people can have the strangest erotic fantasies. But they are practically having sex in the school library! There is a camera about half a meter away from that spot! And they are really lucky that it doesn't cover that one spot in the corner. Besides, damn it, they could at least wait until the school would be closed! Dazai is crazy, but that is too much even for his fucked-up ideas.

“You are fucked-up!” Chuuya doesn’t hesitate to yell it in his face and yanks him hard by the collar of his shirt to shake him. “What if someone fucking caught you?! Can't you keep your dick in your pants?!”

“There’s no one beside us here. Nothing to worry.” Dazai smiles adorably and grabs his wrist to get his grip off his neck.

“Nakahara-kun, you don’t have to worry for us. Dazai and I know exactly what we're doing.” Sasaki puts her hand on Dazai’s arm and smiles sweetly. “Right, honey?”

He just nods in agreement with her statement. Chuuya feels something very heavy settle in his stomach. Something that makes bile rise in his throat and his eyes become strangely wet. It isn't just the lack of reason and thoughtlessness of their behaviour. Watching them smile sweetly at each other and get along makes something inside him break. It is as if someone grabs his lungs and crushes them in an instant, leaving him unable to breathe. Sasaki apparently notices his emotions, clearly written on his face, and adds encouragingly:

“I’m sure that one day you too will meet someone with whom you will experience such wonderful moments, Nakahara-kun. There's no need to get upset now.”

“Oh, I agree.” Dazai agrees again. “There's no point in envying someone else's sex life. You're attractive, for sure...”

Chuuya swings to hit one of them, but he refrains at the last second and kicks a book nearby. It flies exactly next to Dazai’s face and hit hardly on the wall, tearing apart afterwards. The redhead doesn’t say anything else or even look at anyone. He turns around and dashes from the library with inhuman speed. Only hundreds meters from the school gate, he realises that he ran out without his coat or any of his things. He only has his phone and wallet in his trousers pockets and wears a jacket. His eyes feel wet, his face burns him with the anger and shame, and the cold wind blows in his cheeks and hands. He is so livid that he wants to scream when he hears the voice. He starts walking faster pretending he doesn’t hear it and bites his wrists to not start crying.

Calm down, Chuuya, calm down. Breathe in and out. You can do it. Just don’t cry. Don’t cry. When Tachihara runs up to him, he manages to wipes his face at least. He’s probably all red with glittering eyes and uneven breath, but it doesn’t matter. He is famous of his aggressive nature and he looks the same no matter he’s furious or devastated.

“Man, you run so fast.” Tachihara sighs loudly, leaning on his knees and trying to calm his breath “ I barely keep up with you.

“My bad. I”ve just pissed off… a little too much.” Chuuya admits, looking at the side.

“I’m not suprised. Dazai’s a dick and his new girlfriend… well, they are…”

“Michizou, please…” Chuuya doesn’t want to hear about Dazai for next couple of years. He is sick of his confident, charming smile. He is sick of his frizzy, soft hair. Sick of his gentle smile he has only with close friends. Sick of his fake politeness, cruealty and bitch behaviour with other people. Sick of his own heart beating so fast whenever Dazai smiles honestly at him. Sick of the fact he IS jealous of what happened in the library, but only because he wants to be in Sasaki’s place. Sick of the fact that any thought of having sex with Dazai affects his mind and hormones.

“I know it’s not the best moment, but maybe… we go back to school, you take your coat and we go get something to eat? By the way, I took your bag.”

Chuuya feels terrible that he is unable to reciprocate the feelings of the person who cares so much about him.

“Honestly, I don’t have an appetite.”

“Oh, me neither. But maybe you'll at least cheer yourself up a little.”

And so they find themselves in the same restaurant where he ate ramen with Dazai a few months ago. This time, however, he only orders coffee. He has no desire to eat anything, and his stomach is so tight with emotion that it doesn’t even demand food. At least that is one good thing that came out of the whole event. Neither of them brings up what they saw and they neatly avoid the subject, talking about their plans for the future, exams, and other everyday things. At one point, however, Chuuya feels that although he loves Michozou's company, right now he would most like to lock himself in his room and not talk to anyone.

“Michizou, I want to come back to what we were talking about in library.”

The boy smiles sluggishly and leans back slightly in his chair and looks up at the ceiling.

“You want to dump me, right?”

Chuuya opens his eyes widely, hearing that.

“How can you tell?”

“Chuuya, your face is like an open book.”

“Sorry,” he says even though it doesn’t change anything. “This is going to sound really shitty, but I don't feel anything to you. Not in that way.”

Tachihara only shrugs and looks directly into his eyes.

“I don’t expect it from you. We can try and see if you feel anything.”

“It won’t happen.” Chuuya replies before he even thinks about it. And seeing the incomprehension and sadness on his friend's face, he feels compelled to add, “It won’t happen because I’m already in love with someone else.”

“It’s Dazai, isn’t it?”

The redhead does not reply.

 

Unfortunately, despite Tachihara's suggestion to “cheer himself up,” the day is also going to end badly for Chuuya. Even though the conversation he has with his friend is rough and unpleasant for both of them, it isn't that difficult. It leaves a lot of negative emotions and unwanted discomfort, but also hope that their relationship would not suffer too much. So, theoretically, the day can’t be that bad, until the moment when Chuuya is one block away from his house and Dazai stands in his way. Which is not surprising, considering that they live next door to each other. The problem is that the emotions from a few hours ago has not yet disappeared from Chuuya, and apparently Dazai still wants to tease him.

“Have you calmed down, shrimp?”

Dazai casually approaches him, walking step by step with him.

“Fuck off, Dazai.”

“Chuuya, I understand that it’s weird to see a friend having sex, but really?”

“Shut the fuck up.” He clenches his fits and bites his lips just so as not to hit him or say something that he will regret later.

“Or maybe you’re really are jealous? Huh?” Dazai stops him, placing his hands on his shoulders and bringing his face closer. “Chuuya, you’re blushing. So you really are jealous of me having…”

Chuuya involuntarily looks at the brunet's face, and that is the moment he sees it. When he realizes how empty his laughter is and how fake his amused face is. How emotionless Dazai's eyes are.

“It’s not about that!” He screams, pushing him away angrily.

He is pissed off at himself for what he is feeling. He is pissed off at Dazai for not feeling the same way, but also for finally understanding why he does such sick things. And if he now selfishly exploits that knowledge, that is a problem for future Chuuya. At least he won’t hurt himself any more.

Notes:

I really like this one and the next chapter, because it finally starts the whole romantic plot in this fic.
And yeah, it will start with a fight because hey, they are soukoku, what do you expect? Fluffly and cute confession? Dazai not being emotionally constipated (Chuuya's not better btw, but he can scream his feelings, at least)? So why are you here, anyway?

Chapter 13: 13. Onigiri

Notes:

I'm back with your angst!
Enjoy!

"I don't care who you fuck and where! If you catch some STD in the process, that’s on you! But you don't do it cause you want it!"

Dazai gives him a puzzled glance, then begins to laugh.

"I don't do it cause I want it? What does it mean? Does Chuuya think I'm sexually abused?" He comes closer to Chuuya and pats his head, as if he is trying to reassure the hurt child. "No worries. I swear I do everything on my own account."

Chuuya aggressively pushes his hand away from his hair and grabs him by the lapels of his jacket.

"I don't mean it like that! You don't feel anything for her. You fuck her only to feel something. To fill the emptiness inside yourself."

The boy screams without even thinking. But he is so exhausted, devastated and angry with today that he stops caring if he hurts anyone incidentally. He is fucking hurt, too. And no one ever pities him. He is so sick and tired of everything and everyone.

"So, this is what you think about me, Chuuya?"

Daza is not angry. He is not thrilled, sad or disappointed. He smiles, but it is an empty smile. His eyes stare with unhealthy intensity at the boy in front of him, but it resembles the gaze of a predator waiting for its prey to make a mistake. He does nothing to stop Chuuya who is shouting and waving his arms around.

“It’s not my fucking opinion, not something I can “think”! It’s the damn truth! You are doing it just to feel anything. You fuck with Sasaki or in the public not because it turns you on, but because it might turn bad for you. Cause sex inevitably evokes certain emotions. Cause you feel loved for a moment.” Chuuya lets him go and takes a step back. “It doesn’t work like that! Fucking anyone won’t…”

“You want to give me advices on how relationships work, Chuuya?” Dazai immediately reduces the distance that Nakahara makes and grabs him firmly by the chin so that the boy looks at him. “Do you want to tell me how I should treat my own depression?”

“I didn’t…”

“You, who reject all your friends who ask you out, but continue to keep in touch with them even though it hurts them? Or do you completely ignore their efforts to win you over, as if you couldn't care less about their feelings? A person who has a plenty of problems and is unable to cope with his own appearance?”

It all happens in a matter of seconds. Without even thinking, Chuuya throws a punch at the brunet, who blocks almost immediately and pushes the boy away. The redhead almost falls into the snow, but manages to regain his balance at the last moment. He feels the blood pounding loudly in his ears, his heart beating like crazy, and his eyes becoming dangerously wet. In that same second, he wants to hit him again, but he gives up and kicks a nearby tree instead.

“Destroy your life as you like it. But I won't be watching.”

And with shaking hands, face flushed from feelings and cold, and a sob stuck in his throat, he leaves.

“Likewise.”

He would prefer Dazai not to speak anymore.

He spends the next fifteen minutes kicking a bench with such force, despair, and fury that he is astonished he has not seriously damage it. He cannot remember the last time he has been so angry, sad, and disappointed all at once. He feels warm tears running down his cheeks, which are burning him from the cold, but he does not even try to wipe them away. He no longer tries to hold back his emotions, biting his already bloody and cracked lip. Even with his leather gloves on, his hands are shaking, red, cold, and swollen. In fact, his whole body is trembling, whether from crying, cold, or anger. The worst part is that it is not even about what Dazai did. He is pissed off at him, sure, but that is not the point. Nor is it about how the brunet, as usual, has been able to hurt him perfectly with his words, hitting his sore spot with an emotionless smirk on his face. Chuuya can endure all that, even if he is consumed by sadness and regret inside.

What makes him kneel on the ground, crying, is the realization of what he did. That he told a person suffering from depression that he is empty, as if it is his fault. That he behaved exactly like most of the people Dazai met. Because he is jealous, because he is unable to control his emotions, he did the simplest thing he could do—he hurt someone before he himself got hurt. He acted as if he condemned what Dazai was doing, as if Chuuya had any fucking right to judge other people.

His stomach turns at the very thought of what he did. But then again, what could you expect from a worthless person like him, right? He does not deserve the brunet's love or even his friendship. Not only does he look terrible, he cannot control his eating habits or take care of his appearance, and he cannot t control his emotions either. And he hurts everyone around him. And he does it just to make himself feel good. Even if he would later cry his eyes out over every little mistake he made.

He returns home late in the evening. Cold, tired, and completely devoid of emotion. Or so he thinks. He has not even had time to take off his shoes when his sister appears in the hallway, giving him an irritated look.

“Where were you for so long? I’ve been calling you and you didn’t pick up.”

“I tutored Michizou.” He replies without much enthusiasm, hanging his coat on a hanger.” We talk for a little while.”

“For a little while? Where? Oh God… you are soaking wet! Where were you talking? Standing outside in the rain?”

“Yes.”

The immediate response surprises the woman so much that she falls silent for a moment, allowing her brother to slip past her and almost disappear behind the bathroom door. She stops him at the last moment.

“I’ll heat you up a dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You said the same yesterday. I don’t remember when…”

“I said I'm not fucking hungry.”

Kouyou does not even bat an eyelid at these words, but the whole atmosphere around her and the tone of her voice changes immediately.

“Nakahara Chuuya, I hereby remind you that there are kids in this house. I remind you that you should show respect to your big sister. And I remind you that in this home…”

“I’m sorry. I had a bad day. I just want to sleep. I’m sorry.”

She sighs quietly, hearing how mechanical and quiet his brother’s voice is at the same time.

“I'll bring you dinner to your room. It wouldn’t be much, I promise. If you don't feel like eating, just leave it.”

Chuuya only nods and closes the door. He takes the shower with his eyes closed and brushes his teeth standing with his back turned to the mirror. After entering the room, he is welcomed by the delicious aroma of long-cooked, aromatic shoyo ramen. Without even paying attention to the ingredients added to the soup, he instantly takes it to the kitchen. When he returns, he closes the door behind him and begins to cry as quietly as he could. He falls asleep only in the morning, with dried tears on his face, a broken heart, and remorse.

 

He wakes up late morning and only because Kouyou calls him at ten in the morning to remind him that he has a shift starting at noon and to ask if he is coming. Her voice is professional and matter-of-fact, but there is a hint of concern in it. Chuuya feels his stomach clench with guilt. Not only he hurt Dazai yesterday, but he has also caused other people to worry. Damn it, when is he going to get himself together?

He is snapped out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. Confused, he replies to come in, wondering who could be at the apartment at this hour.

“Chuuya-ni-san?”

Kyouka stands in the doorway, unsure if she should actually go in. The boy sighs quietly, realizing that the girl must be terrified by his appearance. After all, it is almost noon, and he is still lying in bed, his hair tousled and his face probably swollen from crying and sleeplessness. Perfect.

“Hi, come in. What happened?”

His voice is hoarse and rough, but he tries his best to sound as gentle as possible.

“I… wait a moment!” and she disappears back at the corridor.

Less than a minute later, she comes back carrying a plate with two somewhat clumsily made but still charming onigiri shaped like rabbit heads. While the shape is more or less preserved, the additions that were supposed to give the “rabbits” faces do not look very good.

“I woke up in the night, cause I had to pee and…” Kyouka visibly pauses here, as if she does not know if she should continue. “and I heard you crying. Mom said that you want to be left alone and… and I was talking about emotions with mister psychologist and he said that I should talk about it!”

“Kyouka-chan, thank you.” Chuuya feels a tightness in his chest at the very thought that such a young person, who has plenty of her own problems to deal with, is concerned about his life. “ Whatever happened, it’s okay now. I will manage; you don’t have to worry about me.”

Chuuya, as a typical adult, downplays the problem so as not to “worry” the child, thereby worrying her even more and hiding the problems as if that would solve them. Kyouka, as typical kid, does not believe him. And since she is also a smart child, she adds, puffing out her cheeks:

“It’s not good!” And suddenly she sighs loudly and put on a bedside stand the plate she is holding. “But sometimes I don't want to talk to my mom about what's going on at school either. But good food always cheers me up. So, I made you breakfast. And...”

She begins to hesitate about what she should do or say. In the end, she quickly climbs onto the bed next to the boy, hugs him tightly with her small arms, whispering:

“It will be okay.”

And she jumps from the bed right after, clearly intimidated. Chuuya looks confused as she steps back from him shyly and then he cannot help but laugh heartily.

“Thanks, Kyouka-chan.”

Then, with a slightly less cheerful look, he glances at the onigiri in front of him. A single one has about 200 calories. And there are two of them. What is worse, after everything that happened yesterday, after his emotional breakdown, Chuuya does not want to upset another person. And certainly not a eight-year-old girl who has prepared breakfast for him herself. Because she is worried about him. On top of that, he feels that treacherous urge to eat something, woven by his weak body. It is an unpleasant feeling in his stomach, which cramps involuntarily and begs for food. The fact that he cannot take his eyes off those onigiri and feels that there is definitely too much saliva in his mouth. Trying to justify to himself that he would eat this breakfast only so as not to disappoint Kyouka. Repeating this to himself over and over, he eats them, even though by the end he is starting to feel nauseous from guilt towards himself. Guilt that he has once again allowed himself to be controlled by his primitive instincts instead of controlling them himself. Angry that the food does not improve his mood at all. And that the onigiri is filled with adzuki bean paste, the sweetness of which makes his body react with even greater hunger.

 

“Yuan, you have a moment?”

The waitress pauses midway through eating her sandwich and nods, encouraging him to continue.

“It might sound like a weird question, but… did the fact that I rejected you and then we still kept in touch hurt you?

The girl looks at him for a few seconds, as if he has just asked her if she wants to go on a mission to Mars with him. Before she can open her mouth to answer, Chuuya clearly realizes his mistake and adds:

“I mean, I’m sorry! I know I hurt you by rejecting you, just… would you rather stop being friends with me after this?”

Yuan raises one eyebrow in surprise and asks:

“Now?”

“No! Then, a year ago!”

“Chuuya? What did you do?”

“Nothing! Nothing!” Chuuya screams, while raising his hands in a defensive gesture, causing the knife to fall from his hand and onto the floor. Resigned, he picks it up and throws it into the sink.” I’ve just… Maybe… I thought it was really shitty of me to keep in touch with someone who had feelings for me? As you know, I hurt them all the time?”

“Who you dumped again?”

“Fuck, no one! Nevermind, forget it!”

“Maybe I was a little… mad at you but neither of us could help it.” The girl shrugs and takes another bite. “First weeks were a little difficult and sad but you were still an important person in my life. I might have convinced Kouyou-san to not give me shifts with you.” She admits after a moment.” But time is a great healer. I knew that I’ve never had a chance with you, so I stopped hoping for it. It helped me.”

Chuuya nods and returns to cutting vegetables. Maybe Yuan is right that he does not have to drastically end a relationship with someone. Maybe it is enough to limit contact a little and they learn to live with it. Maybe it would be better to stop seeing Michizou so much to not hurt him more. And regarding Dazai… well, he probably broke off the relationship with him for a long time of his own accord.

“So? Who is the poor soul that doesn’t live up to our prince’s standards?” Yuan’s face appears next to his arm with mischievous smile.

“No one. Just asking.” He replies, grimacing.

“Don’t tell me you got rejected.”

“Not that I want to interrupt you or something, but we are full.” A manly, firm voice prevents Chuuya from speaking anything he plans to say.

Both of them turn around quickly toward Pianoman, who is standing behind them with his hands on his hips. Although he has a cheerful smile on his face, it is clear that he expects obedience. Yuan immediately apologizes and disappears behind the door, returning to the main room with her tablet. Chuuya, on the other hand, nods and silently starts preparing the next dishes. After all, no one wants to get on the wrong side of the kitchen manager, regardless of whether they are the owner's brother or not. Besides, Chuuya is even grateful for the workload. When he focuses only on cooking, he does not think about Dazai. He does not think about what he did, he does not think about his problems, he does not even think about hunger or fatigue. He devotes one hundred percent of his attention to completing all his tasks, not allowing any thoughts to distract him. He will probably pay for it with a headache in the evening, but at the moment he does not pay attention to such trivial matters. Anyway, the more exhausted he is, the more likely he is to fall asleep right away. Of course, it will not be a restful and peaceful sleep, but at least he will not have to cry himself to sleep. Of the two evils, Chuuya really prefers to tire himself out physically, bringing his legs and spine to a burning pain, rather than experience another mental breakdown. Work that requires only the skills he perfected, such as cooking and baking, calms him down. He rests mentally every time he runs, fights, or prepares a meal for someone.

“Chuuya-kun,” Pianoman comes closer to him just as he is putting one of the dishes on the serving line. “Go on your break. We deal with everything for couple of minutes.”

“Let Yuan or Higuchi take a break.”

“Higuchi’s just came back from it and Yuan said that she’s going home soon anyway. And you work continuously for seven hours without even going to a toilet or drinking water.”

Chuuya does not want to go on a break, because it entails the possibility of thinking about some boy. And he does not want that. However, he quickly realizes that there is no point in arguing about anything, because he will not win this fight anyway. Pianoman is quite well known for his resolve.

“Ok. I’ll go outside for a smoke.”

But he has not even managed to move when a hand on his shoulder stops him.

“God damn it, Chuuya. Drink a glass of water, at least. You’re overworking yourself more than Kouyou.”

“You’re exaggerating. No one cares about this place more than her.” He winks at him and starts looking for cigarettes in his bag. The man only murmurs something in reply and comes back to whatever he was doing earlier. Deep inside, Chuuya feels glad that no one pay attention to the fact that he has not eaten since this morning.

Chapter 14: 14. First time

More than a week has passed since Chuuya talked with Dazai last time. Even though “talk” is not the best word to describe what happened between them. Since then, they mostly pass each other and if they have to acknowledge other’s presence, they do it by cold glances and insults. It is nothing like their everyday friendly teasing but it does not resemble their recent, heated and destructive argument. Their encounters now are distanced and forceful as if they both try to highlight; they are still offended and are not going to let it go.

The redhead slowly gets used to it. It has not been easy and he does not want to admit it to himself that he misses discussions with the brunet, their bantering but also such moments when they just have each other.

On the other hand, he tries to keep his mind far from these thoughts and keeps himself busy with studying or taking shift at the cafe. And when he has started to get sick of the sight of books and Kouyou threatened she would not give him his salary provided he appeared in the cafe for next week, he meets his friends. It has not been easy as a large part of his friends are also Dazai's friends, but fortunately, his world does not end resolve around the brunet. And probably, this is the worst. Even though he has a pretty good life, great people close to him, loving sister and trying father, quite well situation in school… he does not feel fully happy without his best friend.
“You weren’t listening, were you?”

“What?” Chuuya looks puzzled at Yuan who just asks him a question he has not caught.

He receives a deep sigh as a reply.

“You didn’t listen to me, again. But don’t mind me, I was only complaining how shitty life is because I can’t afford college fee and I’m going to be an instagram artist who draws softs for some perverts.

“It doesn’t sound as the worst job, to be honest.” Chuuya replies nonchalantly, this time listening to his friend.

Yuan sighs again and shrugs.

“I guess,” she agrees reluctantly. “But I want to try something else, at least. All art schools are very expensive. Besides, I need to practice to pass entrance exams anyway, and I don’t have anyone who could help me with it.”

Chuuya stops suddenly, smelling a tasty aroma of food nearby. They pass a new open, probably Chinese restaurant and the redhead unconsciously glance in its direction. His stomach painfully reminds him he hasn’t eaten since this morning.

“Chuuya?”

The girl’s voice puts his back to reality once again, however this time he recovers much quicker and turns to her.

“I didn’t know something new has opened here. Sorry, I was just surprised.”

Yuan just waves her hand dismissively at it. It has not been the first time Chuuya got interested in some new place in the city.

“It’s okay. We can come in some day if you want.”

He glances back at the restaurant for a one second and replies fast:

“Maybe next time.”

In spite of his body demands, he turns around and goes, trying to forget about the tasty aroma. Even though, currently any smell of food could probably evoke hunger cramps in his stomach. As always, he ignores it, persuading himself that he gets stomach ache from stress or poor sleep.

“By the way, I have a friend who also wants to attend Arts College. Well, she’s only first grader but she said you can apply for a scholarship? And if you look for it, you can find a lot of free or cheap preparatory classes. Want me to introduce you?” He finally reacts to girl’s worries, and she almost immediately hugs him, smiling wildly.

“Really?! Thank you so much, Chuuya! I love you!” She hugs him closer. “As a friend, of course. Don’t worry, you are my favourite gay friend now!”

“Yuan…” he hugs her back even though every word coming from her mouth makes him more embarrassed. “It sounds bad.”

“I’m sorry!”

The girl laughs and lets him go but firstly she pauses for a moment, touching his face and shoulders.

“You lost weight, right?”

Chuuya swallows anxiously and nods. He actually knows that he lost a little; his weight is now lower than it was before his injury. However, he does not notice any great difference. Maybe less fat on his belly and thighs.

“Wow, amazing! Your jaw is much more defined now and I can see your collarbone. How did you do it? I’ve been trying to lose weight for years!”

Chuuya smiles casually at the compliment. If Yuan notices it, then it must mean something. Maybe he really does not acknowledge his successes enough; he lost seven kilograms already, after all! And she praised his determination! So it seems that skipping all lunches and eating dinners only sometimes finally pay off! It was worth to train so much that he cannot get up from bed after or throw up from exhaustion.

“Uhm… I just cut down on carbohydrates and fats, and try to eat less. I also exercise almost every day.”

Yuan opens her eyes wildly in astonishment.

“Wow! Congratulations! That’s great!”

The redhead shrugs and reaches for his phone to take care of more important things than his diet.

“I’ll ask Gin to meet with her and tell her about you, deal?” Not waiting for reply, he unlocks his phone but his attention swiftly draws to a message from the brunette’s brother. “Wait a minute, I just check what someone texted me.”

Ryuunosuke
Chuuya-senpai, you have time now?
If not, it’s ok…
Just… can you come to me when you have?

Chuuya gives an apologetic glance to the girl, a little scared at message he got.

“I’m sorry, but one of my friends might have some serious problem.”

Yuan does not know about who he talks, but despite that, she asks out of simple politeness:

“What’s happened?”

“I don’t know.” Chuuya sighs, while texting back. “But I think he needs company right now. I'm really sorry, I know we rarely have time to see each other outside of the work...”

Yuan only pats him on a shoulder lightly and smiles.

“It’s ok. It’s not your fault that you’re trying to save all your friends.”

“Yuan, I…”

“Go, white knight!” She screams, patting his back. “Seriously, Chuuya, it’s ok. Just get me the contact details for that girl you were talking about and... maybe take my shift next weekend?”

Chuuya nods instantly, agreeing.

“Sure! I’m taking it! Thanks, Yuan!”

Chuuya practically sprints from the park to Akutagawa's house. The brunet has never asked him for help like this before. His requests for advice are usually so convoluted that they hide his need for help. So, such a direct message is disturbing. The brunet opens the door wearing some old sweatpants and a loose T-shirt. Apart from a slightly resigned and tense expression, Chuuya does not notice any changes in him. Before he even takes off his shoes, he begins to look him up and down and touches him in certain places.

“Chuuya-senpai?” Akutagawa asks, feeling a little anxious under that searching gaze. “Are you ok?”

“You’re not hurt anywhere. Good. I was afraid someone beat the shit out of you.” He replies and only then starts to take off his outer clothing.

Brunet clearly feels offended by this remark and cross his arms.

“I could have managed perfectly well on my own!”

“True.” Chuuya agrees, unlacing his shoes. “But I grew up with Dazai.”

“You grew up with Dazai.” He repeats and immediately understands the meaning of this statement, and then the significance of the silence that falls between them at the mention of the boy. Akutagawa, being a decent man, does not pursue the subject and leads Chuuya to his room. They sit down next to each other on the bed, and even though the redhead falls silent, giving him every right to bring up the subject, the brunet does not speak either. Apparently, he still does not feel comfortable enough to talk.

“Do you want something to drink?” He asks suddenly, but it comes as such forced question, aimed only at saying something, that he grimaces when he hears his own voice.

“No need.” Chuuya replies. “So… what’s the problem?”

Akutagawa just falls back onto the pillows behind him and groans loudly.

“It’s complicated.”

“We have time.” Chuuya replies calmly. “Unless it’s an urgent matter.”
Akutagawa shakes his head and fixes his gaze on the ceiling, as if searching for inspiration to explain the thoughts swirling around in his head.

“No, not really. It’s just…”

He pauses again and frowns, looking for appropriate words. The redhead watches him, but in a friendly, gentle manner trying to encourage him to continue when he is ready.

”Do you remember the moment when you realised you were gay?”

Chuuya keeps quiet for a moment, wondering on the answer. He has not been surprised by the question itself, but by the context of the situation around him. Most often, when someone asks him about his sexual orientation, it is out of simple curiosity. After all, most of us are raised to be heterosexual.

“I don’t think there was some special moment. I didn’t have any gay awakening if that’s what you asked about.”

“But how did you realize that you… you know, that you’re not interested in women?”

Chuuya shrugs. In fact, realising this was as simple and obvious as realising that you like the colour red. Or that you prefer running to volleyball.

“It was just… natural for me? Somehow, throughout my life, I've always been more interested in boys, and this awareness just came to me on its own. It's hard to explain.” He admits after a moment and pauses. “When I was around twelve or thirteen, I came to the conclusion that I didn't like any girls. And that if I did feel anything, it was towards boys. I talked to my dad about it, and that was all I needed.”

“What did he say to you?”

The boy's voice is quiet, uncertain, and his gaze remained fixed on the ceiling. Even if it is not urgent, it is definitely something serious that must have been on his mind for some time. He does not look terrified, but his thinly pressed lips and tense shoulders show that this whole conversation is extremely uncomfortable for him.

“Well, mostly that he’s happy I came to him. And that it’s normal. And that I'm still young, so I have time to learn more about myself. But that's all okay. And a few other shitty and embarrassing things about puberty that you don't want to know about.”

Brunet just nods, confirming that he is not interested in talking about safe sex or anything else. He falls silent again, staring at the same spot as before. He looks as if he is really worried and anxious about the problem he is facing. As if he is hesitating whether he should say anything more, and at the same time feels a huge burden keeping it to himself.

“You think you are…”

Before Chuuya asks his question, Ryuunosuke beats him to it, unable to withstand the pressure and uncertainty he faces.

“I think I feel nothing. To no one. Neither women, nor men.”

Chuuya observes his for a moment, not saying a word.

“Ok.” He finally replies.

“Ok?” Ryuunosuke sits abruptly and starts to wave his hands. “What do you mean ‘ok’?! I watch porn and don’t get hard even for a moment! Doesn’t matter at who I look! My friend, whom I have known since childhood, confessed her love to me today, but I am unable to feel anything for her! I am unable to feel anything for anyone!”

The encounter with the childhood friend makes Chuuya feel a little down, reminding him of his own problems, but he quickly dismisses those thoughts and focuses on the boy next to him.

“That’s normal. Maybe you are asexual. Or aromantic. Or both. It’s normal. Some just don’t feel these things.”

“How is that normal!” The boy is practically shouting at that moment, not paying attention to the fact that his parents and sister are at home, unaware of his preferences. "Everyone is talking about sex now! Everyone is told that they will fall in love someday! It's important!” and immediately afterwards, whether from his emotions or asthma, he bursts into a choking cough.

Chuuya hands him a glass of water from the desk nearby and only after the boy calms down a little, he replies:

“I don't know anyone who is asexual, but from what I understand, it exists and there is nothing not normal about it. If it bothers you, it may be an issue. However, only, if it bothers you because you desire to engage in sexual activity or because you feel the need yourself. Not because you are expected to engage in sexual activity or be in a relationship.”

“It’s not what I mean. You have to…”

“Fucking hell..” Chuuya growls. “That's not what I meant. If you don't want to have sex because you're scared or... fuck, I don't know, someone hurt you, then it's not okay. Like… you need help. But if you just don't feel the need, then it's okay. Not everyone does it. You don't have to do it, seriously.”

Akutagawa does not look convinced and stays silent. Chuuya sighs inwardly, cursing his inability to explain such things. Despite everything, he gently puts his arm around the boy and asks:

“Do you mind what I’m doing right now?”

Brunet shakes his head. His body is relaxed, he does not push Chuuya away, but he does not try to get closer to him either. It also seems that some of the tension has left him after he shouted out what he was thinking. He still seems sad and disappointed, but at least he is no longer bottling up his emotions.

“I know it's a really strange feeling. And it feels a bit wrong. But it's okay, really. You can look it up on the internet, there are other people like you. It's not a disorder.”

He’s been silent for a moment, digesting everything he has heard today and thinking about it. Finally, he sighs, coughs loudly, and finally looks into Chuuya’s eyes.

“I guess I need to think it through. And understand. But thanks for trying to help me.”

Chuuya sighs resigned and lays down on the bed next to his friend.

“I don't know much about it. But I certainly don't think you're fucked up. It's just a preference.”
He opens his mouth to add something else, but at that moment someone knocks on the door and Gin's face appears behind it.

“Are you done shouting at each other?”

Chuuya exchanges glances with Ryuunosuke, and when he realises that the matter will remain between them for now, he smiles broadly at the brunette and replies:

“Yes. We've sorted everything out between us, and we're still the same great friends we were before. By the way, I have something to ask you...”

And so he spends almost the entire evening with them, playing video games or chatting. The topic of Ryuunosuke's asexuality does not come up again, but Chuuya decides that the boy might actually need time to think things through. Instead, he tries to spend as much time with both of them as possible, admitting to himself that the friendly atmosphere helps both the brunet and him. He struggles to get out of the dinner he has been invited to, grateful for the sudden phone call that became his excuse not to stay for the delicious udon prepared by the Akutagawa’s’ mother. Chuuya is sure it is delicious because he could smell it as he leaves.

“Atsushi?” He asks after seeing the name of the person who has been trying to call him just a moment ago. Chuuya, not wanting to be rude, decides to call back once he left Ryuunosuke's house.

“Chuuya-senpai! Thanks for calling back! Do you know what’s going on with Dazai?”

Chuuya, not even hiding his irritation, groans loudly. Maybe he should have stayed with Ryuunosuke and Gin after all. That dinner really sounds delicious. Chuuya hasn't eaten udon in so long... No, wait. He quickly scolds himself in his mind for once again letting his stomach do the thinking for him. He has done the right thing by leaving.

“Atsushi… I haven't spoken to that idiot in over a week.” He tries to not get irritated by the boy on the other side. He was not the reason for their argument, after all.

“I know, but… Dazai does not answer his phone since this morning. We were supposed to meet today, but he didn't show up. And I can't get in touch with him in any way.”

Chuuya really does not want be a part of that.
“Have you been at him house? Or maybe call Oda?”

“How can I call the teacher! Chuuya-senpai, I wouldn’t dare…”

Chuuya laughs quietly.

“Sure, sure. The Mackerel probably sleeps or forgets about you and is playing some game. I can send you Ango’s phone number, maybe he knows something? Or you can talk with Nobuko?”

“Thanks, senpai! I'll let you know when I find out! And actually, you were right, maybe I'll just go to his house.”

“Yeah, bye.” Chuuya hangs up and almost unconsciously sends him the aforementioned phone number.

Chuuya knows that at least physically nothing is wrong with Dazai, because if it were, he would already know about it. Besides, Elise's mother is at home all the time, so she has some control over what is going on. And when he is returning home, he stops at his house and sees that the light is on in Dazai's room. So physically, he is definitely fine.
The next day, Dazai does not come to school.

Notes:

Thanks for your support and comments, everyone!
We are slowly getting to my favourite part, even thought we are not yet halfway through the story.
To all being pissed at Dazai: don't worry, he's just asshole but a smart one.

Chapter 15: 15. The fight

Dazai has not come to the school for the next few days, too. Chuuya really does not care. Firstly: it has not been the first time when Dazai disappeared for a couple of days. It is normal. Sometimes he lets someone know he would stay at home for a week, sometime not, but nothing serious ever came of it, overall. Apart from these moments when he tries to commit suicide.

But again. Dazai is probably home. Mori might be a neglectful father but he will notice if something is happening with his son. And he certainly will not just brush it off. And even if he will, then... damn it, Elise might still be an innocent child, but she will definitely notice that something is wrong with her brother. That she does not see him out of his room recently. After all, it was Elise who once ran to Chuuya crying when she found her brother lying unconscious on the floor with bloodied hands.

So yeah, Chuuya does not worry about him. Why would he, anyway? Dazai made it clear to him that he did not want to have anything to do with him. Chuuya does not want to talk with him, either. However…

However, there is Atsushi. Atushi who does not know Dazai well enough to accept his sudden disappearance. Atsushi does not know why Dazai wears the bandages or why he is busy every Wednesday. Why Chuuya reminds him to always eat breakfast because he cannot take his medications on an empty stomach. Atushi is simply a painfully good, naive and caring person.

“I told you to ask Oda or Nobuko.” Chuuya says, resigned, unable to bear the boy’s constant chatter any longer, but at the same time not wanting to shout at him. Instead, he stares blankly at his lunch in the form of a cup of black coffee, searching for the meaning of life in it.

“But how can I go to the teacher and ask him about an another student’s private matters! Even if it is Dazai-senpai! That's inappropriate! Even if Oda-sensei is the best teacher…”

Chuuya sighs loudly and looks at Akutagawa, who gives him his usual indifferent stare. The brunet couldn't care less about the whole thing, stating that since there is no information about Dazai being in hospital, he is probably just sitting at home playing games. Or, as he put it, ‘having fun with his girlfriend’. At that moment, Chuuya is glad he hasn't eaten anything today, because he would probably throw it up on the classroom floor.

“Just talk to Nobuko-san,” Ryuunosuke prompts, feeling that Chuuya’s glare is going to kill him at a spot soon.

Atsushi opens his mouth to reply, but then closes it and turns his head to the side.

“No.”

“Why not?” The brunet growls at him, instantly seizing the opportunity to fight.

“Nobuko-san is… I don’t want to talk to her.” Atushi continues staring intensely at the wall, avoiding eye contact with either of them.

This time, the brunet turns to the redhead, demanding a response, but Chuuya just shrugs and goes back to drinking his coffee and watching the events unfold with curiosity.

“What’s wrong with her that you don’t want to talk to her?”

“I just don’t. Leave me alone. Ask her himself.”

“I don’t care about Dazai.”

“How dare you!” Atushi turns his head back so fast that Chuuya is almost sure that he is about to break his neck. “How can you say that about Dazai after he helped you settle in at your new school!”

“I literally asked him where was the toilet and he pointed to the ladiess’ room.” Akutagawa deadpans. “And it was not a new school. I’ve known most people, just didn’t go for the first month cause I was sick.”

“Right, it was a great month without you.” Atsushi bites back, crossing his arms.

“Anyway, I’m not going to talk with Nobuko-san.”

“What did you say?” The boy jumps to his feet, but before he could hit Atsushi, Chuuya interrupts him, grabbing his arm and sitting him back down on his chair.

“Ok, Atsuhi. I’ll talk with her but firstly you will tell me why you don’t want to do it.”

Chuuya might enjoy watching the younger boys argue, but on the other hand, he does not want them to get into a fight. Not because he cares so much about his friends' health. He is used to seeing Akutagawa trying to hit Atsushi, and as long as they do not seriously hurt each other, he does not see anything wrong with it. He doubts that either of them is doing it seriously. But he cannot let them start sparing at school. Because if a fight brakes out somewhere in the school, it is enough for Chuuya to walk past the scene to be held responsible. Even if it is the first time, he has seen the people involved.

“I just don't want to get involved in my senpai's emotional affairs.”

“That’s a bullshit.” Akutagawa grunts under his breath. “I heard you asking him a week ago where he usually goes on dates with Nobuko-san and what he does on them.”

Atsushi’s cheeks catch a fire as he begins to explain himself:

“I wanted to ask for advice!”

“What?”

Both Chuuya and Akutagawa look astonished at Atsushi, then at each other and back at Atsushi, clearly waiting for him to say something more. However, he folds his arms across his chest, turns his back on them and says he would not say anything.

“You date someone?”

“No!” Atsushi replies instantly, blushing furiously.

Chuuya tits his head to the site and frowns, thinking.

“So you wanted to ask someone out? And you asked Dazai for advice?”

“I did not! And even if I did, what’s wrong with asking Dazai?!”

Akutagawa loses all interest in the subject after getting his daily dose of teasing Nakajima and goes back to eating his bentō, replying casually:

“Dazai’s a man whore. Unless you wanted to ask him how quickly and easily you could get laid.”

“I didn’t want to get laid!” Atsushi shouts so loudly that several people sitting nearby turn around and start to watch the situation with interest, which makes the boy even more embarrassed and he screams again that he does not mean any harm.

“What the fuck are you looking at?! Don't you have a life of your own?!” Chuuya growls at them, bringing all attention to him.

“You're shouting so loud that you can be heard on the other side of the school. Nobody cares about your or Nakajima’s sexual life.”

“There’s nothing interesting about it, anyway.” A girl says casually, and her friends join in with a burst of laughter.

Chuuya feels anger rising within him, and gritting his teeth, he begins to crack his knuckles happily, looking directly at those people.

“I’m going to…”

Before he even manages to do anything, Atsushi appears next to him and grabs him by the jacket, pulling Chuuya towards him.

“Chuuya-senpai, it's not worth it. It will be your fault again when a fight breaks out.”

The redhead glances around at the group of people for a moment, but since most of the crowd has already gone about their business and the handful of laughing girls disappeared behind the door, he takes a deep breath and turns his gaze to his friends.

“Just go to Oda and tell him that Dazai was supposed to tutor you and he’s not answering his phone or something like that. I find Nobuko.”

And he disappears, not wanting to take his anger out on the younger boys or get even more pissed off if someone picks on them again. Besides, he begins to feel the consequences of not eating breakfast in the form of periodic stomach cramps and a feeling of emptiness in his head. It is not dizziness per se, he just feels terribly tired and weary. He cannot concentrate on anything either. So before he even thinks about where to look for Nobuko, he decides to spend the rest of his lunch break smoking. After all, nothing calms the nerves and kills hunger like nicotine. Sitting quietly on a bench and enjoying his cigarette, he realises that he has no idea what class Nobuko is in. Nor how to find her at all. After a short while of searching for any mutual friends or other connections, he realises that he is living in the age of the internet. A million social media platforms and chats. It takes him less than a minute to find Nobuko on one of them. It takes a little longer to come up with a good message that would not sound strange (after all, they hardly speak to each other) and at the same time explain the problem. In the end, a simple ‘We need to talk about Dazai’ does the trick. Apparently, talking about someone's partner is still too interesting and tempting for anyone to pass up.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” the girl asks bluntly as soon as they meet at the school gate.

The school uniform looks incredibly good on her. Without looking closely, Chuuya can tell that she shortened her skirt slightly so that it still complies with school rules, but at the same time reveals a large part of her slim thighs. The shirt and jacket cling delicately to her breasts, then fit snugly around her waist. The heels on her shoes makes her look taller and even more slender and slim. Her hair is quite typical for a Japanese woman; long, dark, thick and strong. Even thought Chuuya’s hair stands out with their distinctive colour, they have long been brittle, dry and dull. Of course, thanks in large part to his father's genes, Chuuya has never had hair as thick and strong as most of his friends, but he has never had any major problems with it other than spending a little time styling it. Now, however, his hair behaves as if he has been straightening it for a year, even though he only used a straightener once in his life. To make matters worse, it is practically falling out in handfuls.

“Can we sit down somewhere first?” He offers because he does not want to talk about a rather unpleasant topic next to the school’s gate. “The park is nearby.”

They go there in silence; the only interruption is Sasaki’s polite question if Chuuya wants a cigarette and his kind refusal as he has his own. This is how they find themselves sitting on the two ends of a bench, both smoking and glancing at each other. Sasaki is clearly interested in that talk and looks at Chuuya intensively while he firstly allowed himself a few calming inhalations of nicotine before getting down to business.

“I’ll be blunt. Personally, I don’t give a fuck but there are people that worry about it. Do you know what’s going on with Dazai? I heard he doesn’t pick up his phone, doesn’t leave the house or want to talk with anyone.”

“I don’t know. But it’s surprising you neither.”

“I haven’t talked with him for weeks. As I was saying, I don’t…”

“Ano, Chuuya-kun.” The brunette swiftly skips any formalities, using his name, “I thought that question about Dazai is only an excuse.” Her hand suddenly appears dangerously closely to his face, brushing his cheek with her red-painted nails.

“Excuse for what?”

Chuuya looks puzzled at her, glancing at her hand for a moment and then he takes it away from his face firmly.

“You know, for more interesting things. Or activities.” She smiles flirtatiously, closing her eyes slightly.

“Aren’t you with Dazai?! Do you cheat on him…?”

“We broke up a week or two ago.” Sasaki shrugs indifferently.

“What?”

Chuuya stares at her, flabbergasted. Dazai has never been emotional or effusive person. Damn, Chuuya knows that that everything the brunet did always has some hidden purpose that benefited him, but what if… what if he feels something to Nobuko?

“Do you plan to beat me up now for breaking your best friend’s heart?”

She asks, smiling wildly and blowing the smoke directly into Chuuya’s face.

“Did you?” He asks before he even thinks.

The laughter that escapes her lips is clear and delicate, yet to Chuuya it sounds like the ironic cackle of an old witch.

“Maybe. It would be funny but I honestly doubt it. Oh God.” She groans softly and throws her cigarette on the ground and stamps it out with her heel. “I don’t remember last time I’ve laughed so hard. As for someone who claims to be his best friend, you don’t know much about him. Our relationship was never an emotional one. I don’t think any of his has ever been. We both simply enjoy sex and decided that we are quite compatible. At least in that regard. “

Chuuya lights up a second cigarette and tries to think everything over. So, it is NOT a broken heart. Or probably it is not, at least. However, Dazai is still a human so maybe he has got attached to Sasaki even for that short time.

But on the other hand, damn, on the other hand Dazai would rather drown his sadness in another woman’s arms or sake stolen from his father. He would obviously reply to Atsushi.

Deep inside, Chuuya worries that that what is happening to the brunet is another depressive episode. But he tries to tell himself that now that Dazai has a girlfriend, that Mori has started to actually care about having a son, and first of all - Dazai has other friends, so maybe he does not need Chuuya anymore. Perhaps he is no longer the only one who has to pull him out of his destructive thoughts.

“If you really want to know what happened, I can tell you. For a kiss, let’s say.”

Nobuko’s voice snaps out of his reveries so suddenly that the cigarette falls from his hand.

“What?”

He receives a joyful laughter as a reply.

“I’ve heard from Shirase that you have nimble fingers. I would be stupid, if I didn’t try.” She winks, still smiling.

“What?! Are you mad?”

He feels like he is either talking with an idiot or someone who spends most of his time by toying with people. How does she even know about his relationship with Shirase? It was a year ago!

“Oh God! Dazai was right, you are so easy to tease.”

Chuuya feels that his cheeks burning with embarrassment and growls irritably under his breath.

“Fuck off. And don’t even try to make another joke from it. I heard enough. Thank you for your time, but it was absolutely useless…”

“He did not get hard. It was funny actually. I suggested that we could try again later but then he said that since he couldn't get it up when he saw me, it was clearly time to end the relationship.”

It sounds exactly like Dazai on the verge of a depressive episode.

“You didn’t feel offended?”

Sasaki stares at him with genuine amazement. She even opens her mouth in surprise.

“Why? I’m a pretty girl. If someone cannot get hard at my sight, he’s either a gay or has some serious personal problems.”

Chuuya returns home feeling incredibly torn. His phone keeps buzzing with new messages from Atsushi, but he stops reading them after learning that Oda didn’t say a word to them about Dazai's condition. All he told them was to ‘give Dazai the peace he needs right now.’ This only confirmed that the brunet is having a depressive episode. And Chuuya understands him in his own way. He never wants anyone around when he is in a bad mood either. And Oda is probably trying to talk to the brunet somehow anyway. The problem is that leaving Dazai alone for a long time never ends pretty. And apparently, no one has figured that out yet. And Nakahara really tries not to care. He keeps telling himself that Dazai has family and friends and that he is safe. He convinces himself that the tight feeling in his stomach is just hunger. That the pain in his chest is caused by something other than just worrying about his friend. But in the end, when he enters the house, it is with the thought that he probably wouldn't be spending the evening there.

“Oh, Chuuya, great that you’re back. Kouyou said that she and Akiko wanted to announce something important during a dinner and asked that we all eat it together.” Paul informs him as soon as he enters, without even looking in his direction, absorbed in dancing on the mat with Kyouka.

“I appoint you as my representative then. Dazai’s not good, I think. I’ll be back late.”

“Something serious?” Paul turns to him, still looking at the game and trying to keep up with moves, but the girl has a great advantage.

“No.” Chuuya waves his hand carelessly and goes straight to his room to get changed.

Less than ten minutes later, he is standing at Dazai's door, knocking somewhat uncertainly. He is sure that if only the brunet is home, the whole thing will be ruined from the start, and then he has to resort to more drastic measures. Such as climbing a tree and jumping into the boy's window.
Fortunately, after some second the door is opened by Dazai’s step-mother and mother of little Elise.

“Chuuya-kun? What are you doing here?”

“Dazai’s been absent lately. I came to bring him notes from classes… and to cheer him up.”
The woman looks anxiously at him and shakes her head after a moment.

“I don’t think this is a good idea. Osamu didn’t want to see anyone. And he needs….”

“Chuuya-chan!” The girl’s voice can be heard from inside of the house. Second later she appears next to the door and grab Chuuya’s hand.” I haven’t seen you for so long! You’re back!”

“Elise, sweetheart, you can’t grab someone like that. Let go of Chuuya.”

Elise looks at her mother, then at Chuuya and replies cheerfully:

“But mom! I haven’t seen Chuuya for so long! It’s not fair! And Osamu doesn’t talk to me! Last time Chuuya was here, Osamu started to talk to me again right away!”

Apparently, Chuuya still has to be the one who barges into Dazai's life to help him. Whether he needs it or not.

Notes:

This isn't one of the best chapters, but it's definitely necessary to clarify a few issues and introduce the events that follow. I hope you weren't bored while reading it and that you're ready for the next chapters, which are almost entirely full of soukoku.

Chapter 16: 16. A cardigan

Notes:

Dazai is back <3
TW
Underage drinking mentioned

Dazai lies down on his bed, covered with a blanket and clearly more absorbed in mindlessly scrolling on his phone than noticing someone entering his room. It makes sense since Elise or Mori come here sometimes to ask him how is he doing. Or Chuuya hopes it happens, at least.
When he approaches the bed, he noticed that brunet’s hair is flat and oily as if he did not wash it for some time. Considering the smell in the room, Dazai probably did not take a shower in weeks. And basing on the shades under his eyes, neither has he slept.

“Hi,” he chooses probably the stupidest word to say in this situation.

Dazai opens his eyes wildly for just a second, looking at Chuuya, only for a vain smile to appear on his face immediately afterwards, contrasting with the boy's empty gaze.

“Who would think I will see again Chuuya Nakahara, the greatest of the smallest guardians of morality? Are you not suffocating from simply being in the same room as a miserable piece of rubbish like me?’’

Chuuya grits his teeth and bits his tongue in the last very moment literally before he says something he regrets. He has not come here to fight. Dazai is doing it on purpose. Calm down.
After taking a deep breath, counting to five and almost hitting Dazai, who starts chuckling after seeing Chuuya’s attempt to calm down, he replies:

“I’m not a guardian of morality. I’ve came here because you’ve been ignoring everyone and Atsushi is losing his mind. I’m sure he’s not the only one.”

Dazai visibly soften at the mention of younger boy.

“As you can see, I’m quite fine. Tell Atsushi I got a flu or something like that. I call him in the weekend.”

Immediately after that, he looks back to his phone, apparently very busy with solving some logical puzzles in the game on his phone. Chuuya swallows loudly, contemplating what to do next. He actually kept his promise to Nakajima; he came here, checked what was going on and has even got a good lie so the boy will not worry any longer. At last, he has not talked with Dazai for almost two weeks and it seems that the brunet did not mind it at all. On the contrary, he treated this meeting as if they were a divorced couple who still had to come to an agreement about child custody. For a moment, Chuuya thinks maybe it is better. That maybe it would be wise to postpone the talk with Dazai for some better times.

For example, when Dazai in question would not be lying down with an unidentified bottle of alcohol (probably stolen from his father) dangerously close to his bed. But something told Chuuya that if he turned around and got out from this room, he would not be let here again. That this is the only chance that he has.

“I heard you broke up with Nobuko.”

Maybe it is not the best way to start a conversation, but as we all know, Chuuya is not best at it. The brunet sighs loudly and gives him a long, bored stare, then puts his phone aside.

“You still here? Shoo, shoo,” he waves his hand at him. “You've done your duty; you may go in peace.”

“I talked with her. She explained to me… the gist of the situation.”

Dazai closes his eyes slightly, staring intently at Chuuya as if trying to detect if he’s lying and laughs loudly after a moment.

“And? You thought I feel something to her and now I’m sad?” Chuuya involuntarily looks at the side, hearing it. “Oh my god! You really thought that!”

Dazai sits abruptly, still laughing, and looks at the boy standing nearby.

“Chuuya, it was exactly as you said. I did not feel anything, neither she. It was just fun. I got bored so I ended it.” He shrugs. “That’s all.”

“So, it was a depressive episode.” Chuuya murmurs more to himself that to his friend, while sitting down next to him on the bed.

The redhead has a tendency not to use euphemisms or beat around the bush. He always says specific names, even if calling something by its name is not always appropriate. Referring to episodes of depression as ‘those days’ helps ease the emotional burden that came with the diagnosis of this illness. Fortunately for him, Dazai does not care. When he heard what he was suffering from, he just shrugged his shoulders and said straight to the doctor's face: I know. And in his own way, he likes Nakahara's directness and honesty. Sometimes his sharp tongue hurts people, but Dazai prefers that to people tiptoeing around him as if he is a porcelain doll just because he is depressed.

“Yup. I forgot to take my meds for couple of days, so I guess that’s why the beginning was so hard. At some point, Elise noticed that ‘I don’t take my everyday vitamins and I’ll catch a cold if I don’t take them.”

“Forgot? That’s why I told you to set an alarm on your phone for it!” Chuuya instantly falls back into his old ways and begins scolding the brunet for his lack of self-care skills. “The beginning was hard? Dazai, did you…”

Chuuya’s voice rises an octave, while gave the boy a searching look, as if looking for any wounds on his body.

“There was no suicide attempt, calm down.” Dazai interrupts him before he could have a panic attack. “I just felt worse.”

Despite everything, Chuuya calms down when he hears this. He lowers his hands, and his muscles visibly relax after these words. Not enough to stop feeling tense in the current situation, but enough to put those thoughts aside for a moment.

“No suicide attempt but what else? You tried to hurt yourself or someone else?” Suddenly, as if in a film, something clicks in the boy's mind and he looks inquiringly at his friend. “Did you take it out on Nobuko?”

Dazai closes his eyes, smiling, then he lies back down, spreading his arms widely.

“Chibi always uses such brutal words. I told her that my body's reactions clearly showed that I was bored with this game. That her body was no longer attractive to me and there was no point in continuing. Well, maybe I used slightly different words. But I had a choice between that and letting her make clumsy attempts to turn me on, after which I would want to jump in front of a train even more. So, I thought that she just wasn't enough to keep me in check.”

“Son of a bitch. People are not…” Chuuya suddenly pauses, lowering his head and staring at the floor. “Never mind. I don’t have a right to judge you. I shouldn’t, really.”

“Yup. You shouldn’t.”

Dazai immediately agrees with his friend and opens his eyes to stare blankly at the ceiling. He felt... nothing. Whenever he stops taking his medications and then starts doing it again after a while, the first few days are terribly empty, dreamy and insignificant. The most intense moments, when he could not cope with the demons that live in his head, were over. Now he just feels nothing. If Chuuya had come here a few days earlier, there probably would have been no conversation, because a defenceless Dazai is also the Dazai who defends himself the most. He barely let him get to him in that state a few years ago. But now? After their last conversation ended, he was so full of regret and pain that he would not have been able to think rationally. Now, however, he does not care. Soon, he will probably regain enough willpower to perhaps not live, but at least have the strength to exist, but for now, he remains in mindless apathy.

At least until Chuuya abruptly gets up and before Dazai even realises it, he has already sat up and is staring at the boy next to him with the gaze of a hunter stalking his prey. A moment ago, he was just as ready to be swallowed up by the universe as he was to suddenly see Kunikida appear before his eyes, asking for his hand in marriage, and now he feels a rare fear. That if Chuuya leaves this room, he will never come back. That he really meant all of these words he said weeks ago and his anger has nothing to do with it. He just wants to make sure that Dazai has not killed himself yet. Or Chuuya has just realised Dazai is a creature deprived of human traits. What a hideous and worthless thing he really is. For some reason, he cannot allow that.

“Chuuya,” he doesn’t like how his voice falters, “about this thing with Sasaki.”

The redhead pauses in his steps and frowns, thinking what update he will get now. He nods, encouraging him to continue.

“To be precise, about this situation when you saw us in the library.” Dazai pauses to take a deep breath, trying to sound calmer. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have treated you like that even if I got angry at what you said.”

Chuuya literally goes silent after hearing it, staring at the boy with wide-open eyes and parted lips. After a couple of seconds, he notices how stupid he must look like, so he gives:

“Ok.”

And he resumes to going across the room. Dazai glares at him, wondering what has he fucked up this time that the boy is leaving anyway. A cry stuck in his throat, and for the best, since Chuuya passes the door, not even looking at it, and opens the wardrobe. After a second, he pulls an old Dazai’s cardigan from a wardrobe standing nearby, puts it on, and returns to his place on the bed.

“For the record, I shouldn’t have judged your way of dealing with your problems and I don’t think you are a whore. I’ve just…” he bites his lip, thinking what to say, “I was worried about you. I had a bad day and let out my frustration on you. I’m sorry.”

Dazai nods, confirming that he understands all that the redhead wants to say to him. He feels that something is wrong, that Nakahara is not saying the whole true, but he ignores it for the time being. He is much more focused now on how Chuuya looks like in his jumper. Pretty old one, which has stretched considerably after dozens of washes and is too oversized even for Dazai now. But on Chuuya it is enormous. The sleeves, which he keeps trying to pull up, cover his entire hands, and the hem of the cardigan reaches almost to his knees.

It is not only about the length, anyway. The jumper must have stretched so much that it seems to swallow the boy up. He looks much more fragile and petite than usually. Dazai blinks several times, flabbergasted at how simply changing his clothes makes the redhead look several kilograms slimmer.

“Before we continue, please explain me something. What is so important about that old cardigan that you had to go for it?”

Chuuya looks angrily at too long sleeves, which once again refuse to roll up, and replies:

“Nothing. It was the first thing I found in your wardrobe and it’s fucking freezing here.”

Dazai gives him an astonished look.

“It feels normal to me.”

Maybe he has a little impaired perception since he has spent in this room couple of days and has got used to the temperature. But on the other hand, Chuuya is not the type of person who reacts badly to the cold. And certainly not to a normal, well-ventilated room. He shrugs and points to the blanket and duvet on the bed.

“You could simply cover yourself.”

“I don’t want to put you in an awkward situation.”

So, it is about that. The fact that Dazau does not like the touch when he’s having bad days. He appreciates the care, but does not understand Chuuya’s reasoning fully.

“You can lie down on the other side of the bed. If I get itchy, I’ll let you know.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about that.”

In the end, Chuuya agrees to his suggestion, and after a few minutes of silence, they both realise that neither of them really knows how to continue the conversation from earlier, or whether there is anything left to talk about. Dazai has a feeling that Chuuya's anger that day was not entirely related to him having a shitty day, but he does not pursue the subject for now. Instead, he stares shamelessly at his friend, wondering when he has missed the moment when Chuuya has become so attractive. And not attractive in the sense of ‘you look good, I'd like to see you naked,’ but in the sense of ‘I've never felt such warmth inside at the thought of someone caring so much about me.’ He has never thought that he would ever like the sight of this goblin in an oversized cardigan, clumsily trying to put it on, more than the naked, beautiful and firm body of a woman. I mean, let's be honest. Dazai has felt this strong emotional bond with Chuuya for a long time. He knows that he is his best friend and that he can come to him with a problem at any time of the day or night, and he will help him. He will shout that he woke him up and that he is an idiot, but he will help him. After all, they have known each other since childhood, and he is actually the person closest to him, even closer than Odasaku, who also played an active role in his upbringing. Only, all this time, the brunet is sure that it is purely a platonic feeling. That this is how the bond between very close friends worked. That it was simply a matter of being each other's confidants.

But for some time now, things have started to feel a little different. And today, he is only confirmed in this belief as he looks into those big blue eyes looking at him with concern.

“So now, what can I do, stupid mackerel? You want some peace and quiet?”

Dazai smiles lightly, noticing Chuuya instantly slips back into his old role while Dazai is having a bad day.

“Nah. You can stay here and tell me how bravely you searched for information about me! And how people cried over my disappearance!”

“Idiot.” Chuuya swings his arm as if to hit him, but quickly changes his mind. “No one cried over you.”

“You were talking about Atsushi…”

Chuuya involuntarily groans, hearing that.

“Yes, Atushi. He is just a decent person, unlike you, you lazy mummy. He was afraid something had happened to you. I miraculously persuaded him to talk with Oda.”

Dazai shakes his head, not really interested in the story, but for a moment it distracts him from the thoughts in his head, so he hopes that maybe he can forget about them for the rest of the day.

“Why did you speak to Sasaki yourself, then?”

“He’s afraid.”

“What?”

“He’s afraid of Sasaki.”

Dazai laughs loudly. He definitely has to repay his younger colleague somehow for all the stress he caused him. It is a good thing that Chuuya didn’t throw him into her clutches after all.

“And that's not the end of it.”

A large part of the evening passes somewhat more easily. There are longer moments of silence or moments when Dazai gets lost into his thoughts, but Chuuya tries to pull him out of them every time, and when he fails, he waits in case his condition worsens. Fortunately, nothing worse than staring blankly at the wall and talking about the meaninglessness of life happens. In a way, even Dazai feels a little better. Not better in the sense that he can now go out and exist, not even better in the sense that the symptoms disappeared, but he certainly feels a little lighter. Chuuya’s presence, or simply the presence of anyone, helps him. It is still shitty, but at least he has a little more hope that tomorrow will be slightly better. And if it won’t, at least someone next to him tries to get there with him.

At one point, even his discomfort around other people eases enough that he allows Chuuya to put his arm around him and move closer. And since he has his friend practically at his fingertips now, he begins to wonder about one thing:

“Ne, Chuuya.”

“Hm?” Chuuya murmurs indifferently, glancing up at him.

“I’ve heard recently that there is something like weighted blankets. And that they supposedly help with mental disorders.”

Chuuya nods.

“Yup, heard about it. Some sensory stuff or something.”

Brunet nods vigorously in agreement.

“So, shall we give it a go?”

The redhead shifts his gaze from his friend's face to the room around him, looking for something that might resemble such a thing.

“Sure. Do you have it here somewhere? Shall I get it for you?”

“Chuuuya.” Dazai impatience draws out the first syllable of his name.” Ok, ok. I forgot. Slowly for slugs, logic. You will be my blanket.”

“What the fuck?!” Chuuya almost winces and instinctively tries to pull away from the boy, but to no avail. Dazai lays down on his arm.

“Dazai, you're out of your bloody mind. I’ll never in my life lie on top of you.”

“But Chuuya! It’s for science!”

“I’m not a fucking blanket! Let me go!”

During the scuffle, they end up with Chuuya lying on top of Dazai, but still struggling to break free from his grip.

“Stop!”

“Chuuya. Just for a moment.” Apparently, the change in his tone works, because Chuuya struggles only for a moment longer, more for the fun of it than to win, then sighs loudly.

“I just want to try. We’ll stop if you feel uncomfortable.”

The redhead sighs once again, then with clear reluctance written on his face, he gives up and puts his head on the brunet’s chest while trying to find a good position. Being so close, Chuuya feels his heart beating crazily fast and he’s sure that Dazai can not only hear it but also see how red Chuuya’s cheeks are. If he does, he doesn’t say anything.

Finally, after finding a good enough position, they both go silent. Dazai likely to contemplate the current method and waiting until suicidal thoughts disappear from his head. At the same time Chuuya tries to calm his raging nerves while feeling thrilled of being so close to the boy and frightened for the same reason. Even though his chest feels pleasantly warm and his heart is jumping with joy, his stomach is still clenched with nerves and his muscles tense.

“Ne, Chuuya,” Dazai asks after a couple of minutes passed. “Why aren't you lying on me with all your weight?”

“Cause I don’t want to hurt you?” Chuuya looks at him as he’s an idiot. “I’m too heavy.”

“Pff!” He receives a snort as a reply. “You? Hurt me? You weigh less than me.”

At that point Chuuya visibly tenses even more and looks away.

“Not long ago, I wasn't far off from weighing the same,” he murmurs.

“You’re exaggerating. Come on, I’m a strong man, I manage anything.” Dazai gives back proudly, smirking. “Now, do it properly! You're ruining my method for depression! No wonder it doesn’t work!”

Chuuya tries to protest a little more, but it only ends with more teasing. And when Dazai announces he’s not moving until they check this method PROPERLY, Chuuya finally lets it be. Dazai will complain about the weight in thirty seconds anyway.

However, several minutes have passed and the brunet still does not react, only continuing to stare pensively into space. Chuuya begins to worry that even after fulfilling his request, the boy will never let them move, which reminds him of something.

“Dazai?”

The brunet grunts to let him know he’s listening.

“You ate something today, right?”

Dazai nods.

“Some instant ramen when I took meds in the morning. No worries.”

He almost comes back to his reverie world when his friend’s voice reaches him again.

“You should eat something, idiot. It’s almost seven in the evening. Come on, I will make you…”

Dazai only tightens his grip around him

“Later. I don’t want to see Elise or her mother. After they go to bed.”

Chuuya visibly relaxes after that reply, nodding.

“You don’t have to worry about me, you know? I was doing pretty well on my own.” And as if to prove his point, Dazai points to the nearly full bottle of whisky next to the bed. “Want some?”

Notes:

I have no idea why I included that scene with the weighted blanket. It looked better in my head...
And yes, I know they don't quite work like that, but Dazai doesn't need to know that.
Many thanks for all the comments on the last chapter, it's a huge motivation to write <3

Chapter 17: 17. In vino veritas

“Chuuya can’t hold his liquor.” Dazai teases, glancing at the redhead’s red cheeks and wide smile.

“Not true!”

On the one hand, he’s pretty content with that situation. Chuuya looks much more relaxed than when he came here. One of the reasons was their heart-to-heart conversation obviously, which made both of them feel better and stop worrying about hurting each other again.

However, now he notices that the other boy has stopped trying to sit upright all the time or fix his hair. In a current moment, he half lies on Dazai’s bed, observing his reflection on the surface of alcohol in a glass. The music plays in the background but they stopped changing albums a while ago, so Spotify has started playing some artists Dazai does not even know.
He is busier with observing his friend anyway. What’s more, an alcohol usually spoils his mood, making him only more devastated, especially while having a depressive episode. He just sinks deeper into his destructive thoughts. He has offered it he knows that Chuuya is a sensory person and loves trying new alcoholic beverages or new foods in general. As he thinks about it now, it has been quite some time since he has last been at a new restaurant or cafe in the city with him.

In any case, alcohol is usually just another nail in the coffin of his depression, but this time he does not feel... that bad. To be honest, Dazai rarely feels fine. He feels okay when he has fun with his acquaintances or friends, when he has a pretty good day. There are times when it is only in the evening, in his own bed, that negative thoughts about the meaninglessness of life come back to him. But now he feels exceptionally okay. Exceptionally okay for a day of coming out of a depressive episode, which is usually neither too negative nor too positive. Just empty.

But the sight of Chuuya, who is looking at the golden drink in his glass with unhealthy curiosity, wrinkling his nose and grimacing when he takes a deep drag of the sharp smell of alcohol, makes Dazai smile involuntarily and at the same time want to fix this image in his mind.

“I thought Mori didn’t like whisky.”

Chuuya looks from the glass and gives Dazai a surprised glance.

“He doesn’t. He got it from one of his patients so there’s no way he would be mad when he notices I stole it.”

The redhead rolls his eyes but without complains he tilts the glass and drinks its entire contents in one gulp.

“It’s bitter overall, but the more I drink it, the more I taste some raspberries and pine tree.”

The brunet fails to hide his amusement and laughs loudly, falling down on the bed.

“What is so fucking funny?”

Chuuya grabs him by his sleeve, blushing from embarrassment and anger. His face shows absolute confusion which only makes Dazai laugh harder.

“Chuuya’s looking for fruits in whisky. I it’s just an alcohol mixed with some aromas you can barely taste.”

“It’s not my fault you got shit for taste buds and smell nothing.”

You know what is funny about drunk Chuuya? Although he is much more emotional and outgoing, and could be very aggressive at times, he mainly behaves like a child who is offended by the whole world. He would fold his arms across his chest, sulk and pretend that he does not want anyone to pay attention to him when he is talking about something or claiming that he is right. It also makes Dazai realize that his fast-beating heart has little to do with the amount of alcohol he’s consumed but rather with short, irritated and whisper-shouting (to not wake up everyone) gnome who tries to tell him about favours flavours of alcohol.

His cheeks are blushed and eyes blink reminding Dazai about the sky reflected in a clear ocean. When he gestures with his hand suddenly, probably trying to highlight something, the cardigan slips from his shoulder, revealing his protruding collarbones. The bones of his shoulder were also visible through the fabric of his shirt.
Now when the brunet observes him from so close distance, dressed up in some random clothes, he notices that boy’s arms seem slimmer. It has been the first time Dazai has noticed Chuuya actually lost weight.
However, he resists from commenting it loud to not give the other boy the satisfaction. Maybe now that he has achieved his goal, he will make Dazai’s bentou with crab, shrimps and other not green things again?

“I should invite you over when Fyodor’s around. He sometimes brings their Russian vodka. I wonder what flavours you’ll find in it.”

“Let’s do it!” Chuuya replies instantly, probably not even listening to what he has just agreed to.

Dazai only chuckles and takes the already filled glass from his hand.

“Hey, it’s mine!”

“Nope. It’s enough for such short alcoholic as you.” Dazai puts the glass on the table nearby and since Chuuya has already started to reach for it, he takes him in his arms and pulls him to himself.

“Let me go!”

“It’s enough alcohol for today, Chibi. I’m not going to hold your hair when you throw up tomorrow.”

“I won’t!”

“I’m not going to believe it again.” Dazai pulls him on the bed, not minding his protest. Fortunately, drunk Chuuya is much less strong that the sober one. If not for the alcohol, there was a chance that the redhead would set himself free and run to the glass. However, it is much easier to overpower Chuuya dazed with whisky.

The redhead quickly stops struggling and all he does is adjust himself so that he is lying face to face with Dazai.

“Actually, you’re right. Alcohol is highly caloric.”

If it were not for the fact that the brunet drank quite a bit himself and his perception has suffered as a result, he would notice how Nakahara frowns in his characteristic way, as if he is calculating something in his head. For a moment, his expression changes from amused to slightly frightened and depressed by what he is thinking. He nervously bits his lip, knowing that tomorrow he has to spend an extra two hours training or skip dinner if he wants to somehow compensate for today's alcohol consumption.

“So, I can call it my dinner then!”

Chuuya elbows him in the ribs, growling:

“No way. I told you to eat something.”

Dazai pats his head, absolutely ignoring what he has just said.

“Sure, sure. By the way, since everything is fine between us, will Chuuya go back to making me bentou like an exemplary girlfriend? And taking me to his sophisticated restaurants?”

Another blow to the ribs, this time harder.

“I’m not your girlfriend! And…” Chuuya visibly pauses as if thinking what to say next. “There’s nothing new in the city.”

“A few months ago, an Italian restaurant opened. Ne, Chuuya! Take me there!”

Chuuya looks as if he is analysing what he has just heard, trying to remind something,

“Actually, Michizou did invite me to this place…,” he replies, lost in thought, as if the situation happened a long time ago.

“Did something happen between you two?” Dazai asks quietly, noticing Chuuya's sudden change in mood.

The boy quickly denies it and looks away, probably looking for a way to avoid the subject.

“Anyway. Are you feeling better? Can I help you in any way?”

Dazai looks at his friend, then shifts his gaze to a wall in the room, pondering the question. Does he feel better? Yes. The worst was behind him. But does he feel better because he has been back on his medication for some time now, or is it Chuuya whom he should thank for his exceptional improvement in mood? The longer he thinks about it, the more he chose the latter option. For Dazai, explaining what he feels is always too complicated to talk about. The thing is, his whole life he has felt complete emptiness, nothingness, a lack of something. Above all, a lack of meaning. What is the meaning of existence? He has never seen or understood these things. But the time he spends with Chuuya makes him want to do something about it. Not that he is happy or that it filled the void inside him. But he feels that his presence, their conversations, everything that connects them, makes Dazai slowly search for a solution somewhere. That he is not looking for it alone. That the emptiness he feels either stopped bothering him so much or maybe has started to disappear. He never knows how to explain it. But for a long time, he has used his relationships to quickly vent his frustration, to feel needed, to feel fucking something, anything at last. Sex, after all, imposed certain gestures that are theoretically associated with love.

“Better. Thanks for coming.”

Chuuya shrugs as if he simply has nothing better to do today.

“Atsushi was worried sick; I had to do something. Besides...” he replies indifferently, but hesitates again for a moment, then adds, “I was worried too.”

Clearly, the alcohol has completely gone to Chuuya's head. Dazai, of course, feels compelled to take advantage of this.

“Wow, Chuuya was worried about me! So, you really do care about me.”

In response, he receives a snort and blue eyes staring at him with irritation.

“Of course I do. Someone has to take care of an idiot like you who can't take care of himself.”

Although the sentence was terribly confusing by the excessive amount of alcohol Chuuya has consumed, Dazai understood exactly what he meant.

“Yay, Chuuya! What if I think you've fallen in love with me!”

“Of course I’ve fallen in love with you, you idiot.”

Chuuya says these words before his mind has even had time to process them. It is only a second later that he has realised what he just did. He has felt so comfortable in the situation, and the alcohol has loosened his tongue so much that he hasn't even thought about what he is saying. Worse still, the answer is so obvious to him that for a moment he does not even regret it. For a moment, then it dawns on him what he has just done, his heart begins to beat rapidly in his chest, and his stomach ties itself in knots with nerves. He feels a burning heat on his cheeks and sweat on his palms.

Dazai laughs at these words, thinking Nakahara is joking. He even wants to congratulate him on his sense of humour when he notices that Chuuya is staring at him in terror with his mouth open. He counts to ten in his head, hoping that it is just part of the joke. But Chuuya does not laugh, he does not say anything. The brunette's eyes widen in surprise, and probably at that moment they both stare at each other, surprised by the situation and not knowing what to do about it.

“I... love you as my friend, you know...”

The boy even starts to laugh awkwardly, but it sounds grotesque. He looks around the room, trying not to glance at the brunette. In his head, he has already committed suicide and left for the other side of the world. Yes, in that exact order.

“Chuuya,” Dazai says very gently to the boy, who is clearly panicking.

“Besides, it was a joke, wasn't it? I finally managed to fool you, didn't I?” Chuuya spouts a million different excuses, trying to get out of the situation, which only makes him sink deeper into it. “Maybe I should go now.”

And then he gets up from the bed, probably to run out of the room. However, he does it so quickly that he does not notice his legs tangled in the blanket and almost falls to the floor if someone's arms have not caught him at the last moment. The situation could not have been more pathetic.

“Chuuya. Wait.”

He swallows loudly, takes a deep breath and stops talking. The train of his thoughts, travelling at thousands of kilometres per hour, suddenly stops. It is as if he has regained his sobriety for a moment, like people who, despite being drunk, are able to react appropriately when they witness an accident. He takes another deep breath and comes to terms with the fact that he cannot undo what he did. That he cannot come up with a good solution to this situation, because all his excuses are too obvious. Damn it. Fuck being too emotional. Everyone can read him like a book.

After he extricates himself from the blanket, he decides that since his thoughtless behaviour has led him to this point, it is time to face the consequences. He hid it for too long, anyway. It is his jealousy that caused problems in their relationship. Perhaps it really will be better if he accepts that Dazai would never reciprocate his feelings and move on with his life. Maybe they could even remain friends?

“Ok, ok. I’m sorry.” He raises his hands in a defensive gesture and looks straight at the brunet. “It was fucked up. This is not how I imagined it.”

“If you don’t want to talk about it…”

“Don’t interrupt me!” The redhead scolds him, then takes another deep breath. “This is now how I imagined it, but… apparently it had to be like that. So let me finish.”
Dazai opens his mouth to say something but then falls silent.

“I love you. I don't know how long it's been going on, but surely much longer than I'm aware of. You're an annoying bastard and I hate you, but I feel better when you're around. My life is better when you're with me, I'm better. And I'll understand if you reject me or...”

“Chuuya.” He interrupts him and before Chuuya could shout again, he draws him closer, hugging him. “I don’t want to interrupt you. But I don't want to talk about it now, when I'm in a shitty mental state and you're drunk.”

Chuuya realises that Dazai is giving him a chance to take these words back. To pretend he forgets about them and move on. But somehow, he cannot come to terms with it. If he already thoughtlessly confessed his love to him, then so be it. Hiding these feelings from the brunet would only make his life cruel. It hurts him every time he sees Dazai kissing someone else. He appreciates Dazai being happy but wants to cry at the same time because he is not the reason for this happiness. He does not want to keep it all inside any longer. He wants to be able to burst into tears, scream about his unrequited love, and then move on.

“My feelings won’t change when I’m sober. And you don’t have to…”

“Let me understand my own feelings. It's late, you probably won't remember half of this evening, and I really... really want to talk about it sober, not now.”

Chuuya bits his lip, thinking for a moment about how to respond, then realises that he is indeed drunk. Somehow, he has not realised it before. What's more, he actually chooses a terrible moment to confess his love. Dazai has problems, and the last thing he needs right now is Chuuya and his infatuation.
He nods after a while.

“Okay. Later.”

And before he can do anything, he feels Dazai release him from his embrace. He is sure that this is the moment when they part ways, Chuuya will return home, and maybe in x years they would return to this conversation, when the brunette unexpectedly places his hand on his cheek.

“You are my best friend, Chuuya. You're the only annoying constant in my life that I can't get rid of.” Chuuya chuckles lightly in the background. “And that’s why I don’t want to hurt you.” Dazai pauses to think and continues after a moment. “I don’t know what love is. At the moment, I am unable to feel anything. Hence, please let’s repeat this conversation when you are able to tell me this soberly, and I will not be considering the length of the rope with which I will hang myself.”

In less than a second, the redhead grabs him by the collar of his sweatshirt and pulls him close, yelling:

“You’re not hanging yourself!” And immediately afterwards he lies down with all his weight on the boy so that they both fall onto the bed. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Dazai laughs loudly at his overprotective behaviour.

“Chibi really drank too much. Or maybe you always wanted to do it, just wasn’t honest with yourself.”

A silent growl and Chuuya’s red cheeks are answer itself. Dazai sighs quietly and casually runs his hand through Chuuya's hair, gently massaging his head. He feels bad that he is not completely honest with the boy. He is not sure if his feelings for Chuuya are just a temporary need to be loved by someone, or if his thoughts about the rope are actually irrelevant from the moment, they cleared things up. That despite how awkward and embarrassing Chuuya's confession was, it is the best he has ever received. Not because Dazai has received shitty ones before. Many of them were quite romantic. But because Chuuya must love Dazai sincerely and deeply to be able to confess it so instinctively and directly. Even after drinking.

He also does not want to tell him that although he feels a lot of different emotions towards the boy, and although he suspects that it is something more, he has rejected it for most of his life. He has rejected it because he is afraid of attachment, but also because he feels he does not deserve someone like Chuuya.

But he is also incredibly relieved when, after just a few minutes, they both quickly fall back into their own routine. It is one of the things they both love about their relationship. That no serious conversation changes their attitude towards each other, they could easily go back to their old selves afterwards. They can start talking about how their day was, comment on some new drama on the internet, or start arguing about the superiority of one season of a series over another. That Dazai can tell him about how Odasaku's kids are sick again and he cannot manage between taking care of them and working, even though his father is helping him with everything. And how the brunet got a bunch of messages from him that same day because the man is so busy with his own problems that he does not even notice the absence of his favourite student.
And at that moment, lying on the brunet’s chest, Chuuya finally feels relieved. Although at first, he has been terrified and resigned, fearing what would happen next, he feels that he did the right thing by telling him. Maybe he could choose better circumstances and timing, but he does not regret it. He is tired from the whole day, drunk, stressed, and finally begins to feel good, at least for a moment. He does not know if it has anything to do with his confession or with the fact that he is holding the love of his life in his arms, but he does not care. He wants to allow himself this happiness, at least for a moment.

Finally, he feels that his mind is no longer clouded by stress. As he lies there, he notices that his muscles have relaxed, that despite being tired from the whole day, he feels as if someone lifted a weight off his shoulders. His heart is beating fast, but it is due to the joy of being close to the brunet, not fear or stress. His stomach also stops clenching with nerves, but at the same time, it reminds him loudly that he has not eaten all day. Hearing this, Dazai pauses his speech about Odasaku's curry and gives him a questioning look.

“My stomach is growling.” Chuuya murmurs, irritated at the fact that his body decides to let out some monstrous sounds just now.

“Why didn’t you say you’re hungry? Mori surely left some dinner for us. Come on.”

Dazai is about to get up to go down to the kitchen, but Chuuya, who is still lying on top of him, stops him. For a moment, the redhead even wants to agree, but then he remembers how stupidly happy he has been drinking alcohol with the brunet. Besides, Dazai's family are fans of Japanese cuisine, and he expects that most of the food they find in the fridge will be deep-fried. Or full of calorie-laden white rice or noodles.

“It’s fine. I’m not that hungry.”

And obviously his stomach must rumble loudly again, demanding food. Chuuya swears in his head. Why is his own stomach not on his side? Why does he always hungry? What the fuck is going on with him?

Dazai laughs quietly, seeing the boy's unhappy expression, he runs his hand through his hair, stroking his head.

“Chuuya feels so good with me that he puts me above food?”

The redhead opens his mouth to deny, but right after he realises everything that happened today and concludes that things could not get any worse.

“Yes.” He murmurs and feels almost every cell in his body jump with joy when, in response, he hears no laughter or sarcastic remark, but instead the brunet pulls him closer and almost brushes his forehead with his lips. Chuuya feels that even if this is to be the last moment in his life when he is truly happy, he will never regret it.

Notes:

I need christmas so that I can have more free days and write fanfiction. Or just sleep.
I wrote this chapter mainly on my phone, so I'm not taking responsibility for any errors (feel free to point them out, though), but at least these two have finally started talking to each other.