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They're splayed out on the bed, legs tangled together, mindlessly scrolling through various apps when it happens.
Alex doesn't mean to be nosy, but he has to know what made Henry snort like that. As nonchalantly as he can manage, he looks over at Henry's screen over the frame of his glasses expecting a video of David or a text from Pez. Instead, what he sees is Henry like an image that says, in plain english: "I can top in an emergency."
The words are in silly fonts and outlined in pink and baby blue glitter, and that makes the irrational gut punch he feels even worse. He frowns. Until just a few days ago he had no idea what Tumblr even was, let alone that Henry had one, and he still doesn't fully get it. But he doesn't have to. It's just not his thing.
Still, there are two things he does know about Tumblr:
1. It provides Henry complete anonymity the way no other website could.
2. He probably would have understood his own sexuality a lot earlier had he known the thing existed.
That last bit is neither here nor there, and he turns his focus back to his own screen, feeling a little deflated.
The thing is, he's been thinking about it for a while. Like, a while a while. At least since Texas. Now it's almost spring, and if all goes to plan they might essentially live together in Henry's brownstone in New York, a prospect that makes him feel like his knees are gonna give out— but he still hasn't really had the courage to ask for what he wants.
His anxious, too fast mind, obviously had pondered the possibility that Henry wouldn't want to fuck him. But it's one thing to wonder and another to know.
This isn't something he resents. It doesn't even make him sad in any sort of emotional way, it's pure physical curiousity.
Mostly, anyway. He has found that he isn't capable of seperating sex from love when it comes to Henry.
He loves fucking Henry, making love to Henry, being inside of Henry. But he feels a strange sort of envy at times too. Because if he can base anything on Henry's reactions; the pleasure that creases his face, contorts his body and makes him come all over himself when Alex is giving it to him good, it must feel really fucking spectacular to be fucked.
And he's always been a curious motherfucker too.
Gnawing on his bottom lip one night after Henry has fallen asleep on facetime, he scrolls through a website that has him looking over his shoulder even in the privacy of his own room. His privacy still feels like a fragile thing, and he wishes he could just conjure up a dildo instead of having to buy one.
Yet, he trusts Amy and Cash to not be weird about this even if they do have to know what's inside before it's in his possession.
His fingers shake a little as he adds a few more things to the cart — extra lube, a candy g-string he hopes Henry will wear and some fuzzy pink handcuffs for himself — and hits pay.
Guess he is gonna go fuck himself after all.
Thankfully, the box is discreet, and appears to have been unopened, when he sees it sitting in front of his bedroom door. He picks it up and eagerly shuffles inside, dropping his backpack by the bed.
The black cardboard is smooth under his hands when he runs his fingers over the box to find the opening. Inside, he finds red and black tissue, which he removes until he finds another box inside. Various boxes, actually. The first one contains the lube, candy undies and handcuffs. He feels himself begin to stiffen in his jeans. It's almost too easy to rile him up when they've been apart this long. He can barely keep his imagination from running wild, thinking of all the things he and Henry will get up to over Valentine's day in Paris.
With an irrational haste, he removes his clothes and climbs onto the bed. A dildo had been what he had intended to buy, but he couldn't help but be allured by the prostate massager and bought that instead. None of the dildos had looked enough like Henry's cock to entice him anyway, and this felt much less intimidating for a first time.
It's a simple little device, sleek with a bent tip and a little controller.
Let's do this.
Henry is in a meeting, but that doesn't mean he can't see him. Turning on his side, he clutches the phone in one hand and lets the other drift down between his ass cheeks. His tongue darts out as he scrolls through pictures of Henry on a horse, Henry in a tux, Henry's lips wrapped around a beer bottle wearing his shirt.
That last one does it, and he breathes out shakily. The phone drops onto the bed so he can reach over to grab the lube, spreading it over his fingers before moving back where it was, spreading his legs so the tip of his cock rubs against the mattress while giving him more access to rub at his own rim.
His head drops onto the mattress, his eyes rolling back a bit as he slips one of his own fingers inside. A shudder courses through him. Still, he needs more. He needs to feel like he isn't doing this alone. With a new kind of horny strength and determination, he uses his free hand to play a voicemail from a few days ago, letting Henry's voice melt into his bones.
Just wanted to say that I miss you, love. I can't wait to see you.
At the time he hated that he'd missed that call, but now not so much.
He has been on the other end of this enough to know what to do, how to work himself open, but he hadn't been quite as prepared for how good it would actually feel. Holy fucking hell. He might not even need the toy at all, with the images of Henry in his mind, his loving voice in his ear and a yearning four thousand miles wide urging him on. It builds, what he's doing to himself and memories of what he's done and will do to Henry driving him delirious with need until he's rutting against the mattress, two fingers deep inside himself, the swollen tip of his cock brushing against the sheets that his free fingers are tangled into.
"So close," He gasps out to no one, biting down on the pillow when his orgasm begins to creep up on him on every corner until his arms are shaking.
And yet...
You paid for the damn thing, a voice says in the back of his mind. He grunts. Let's his fingers slip out and picks up the toy again. His curls are matted onto his forehead so he pushes them back, blinks a few times before slicking the toy up, aligning it where he needs it, and lets it slip in slowly.
After taking a few moments to adjust, he slides it out and back in. Out and back in, again and again until there is no resistance.
He moans into the open air, toes curling, and reaches over for the little controller.
It pulses, slow but steady.
Fuck, that's—
It's barely been on for ten seconds when he comes, grabbing the nearest pillow and crushing it in his arms as the pleasure renders him mute, his mouth agape but unable to make a sound from the intensity of it. And it keeps going, keeps feeling so good that he writhes against the pool of cum until more spills out, breathing like he's run a 5k marathon.
All he can think is Henry, Henry, Henry.
"Let me get this straight," Alex says a few days later on a zoom call, Henry on the other side of the screen in the low light of the fireplace by his bed. "On our first date you tried to brag about all the other hot guys you've had sex with but you're jealous of a sex toy?"
Henry huffs, crossing his arms and looking away. The blush that creeps up his neck and into his cheeks is gorgeous. "I am not jealous—"
"Of. A. Sex. Toy. It's not sentient."
"I'm not jealous!"
Alex raises his brows and leans back, crossing his own arms now.
"Okay, then why did you tense up like that? I thought you'd be into it! Especially since you don't even want to top me anyway."
Well, there it is. The tips of his ears are hot now, anxiety coursing through him.
Henry's eyes snap back to him, "When the fuck did I say that?"
And oof, Henry swearing still does things to him. He shrugs, shoves a handful of cheez-it's into his mouth in a way that make Henry grimace. "You didn't have to." Henry's sour expression grows deeper, though whether it's from Alex eating with his mouth full or his words is hard to tell.
"What are you trying to say, Alex?"
He sighs, wipes the crumbs on his sweats. "Last time you came over. We were in bed and I saw you like a post that said, "I can top in an emergency."
The little heart that appeared when Henry liked the post cartoonishly grows and winks at him in his mind's eye.
"Jesus, I just thought it was funny." Henry grumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not jealous of the butt plug—"
"Prostate massager."
Henry rolls his eyes, "I'm a bit hurt that you didn't think you could share this with me."
A lump forms in Alex's throat. He vowed to never hurt Henry again. After a beat of silence he trusts himself to speak. "Baby, I just didn't want you to feel pressured into something you don't like doing. That's all."
Henry nods, then shrugs. "Well, I wouldn't know anyway." His voice is almost a whisper, and he's looking anywhere but Alex. "I've never done it."
"Never?"
"Nope."
"Oh."
Alex wrestles with what to say, "I guess I was kinda... insecure? You've had way more sex than I have. Even with girls. Let alone guys. I just feel a little inadequate sometimes."
Henry's expression softens, "Darling, you are anything but. You are, without a doubt, the best shag I have ever had."
"You're saying that because you love me," Says Alex, tapping his foot against the comforter to keep himself calm.
"I'm saying it because it's true. And because I love you."
The words still make Alex's heart flip in his chest and he smiles. His eyes roam Henry's face, land on his lips. "God, I wanna kiss you so bad right now."
Henry touches his lips, gesturing Alex to do the same, and kisses his fingers. "Me too, sweetheart. Five more days."
Alex sits up straighter, "Just so we're clear, do you want to top me or not? 'Cause you totally don't have to. I mean it."
"I think," Alex's heart is racing a bit as Henry taps his chin adorably. "I think there isn't anything I don't want to do with you."
"I'm so happy to hear that, baby, because you gotta listen to the other stuff I got."
They meet at the airport, kiss in front of their PPOS and people who may or may not have cameras and hold hands all the way to their destination. Henry's cheeks remain a bit flushed from being crushed into a bear hug and lifted two inches off the ground the whole way home.
They eat their chocolate in the car, and watch the sky turn pink and purple against the eiffel tower.
Henry squeezes his fingers, kisses the corner of his mouth.
"As much as I love you wearing my shirt," Alex says against his lips when the door shuts, his hands roaming from Henry's ass to his hips, squeezing there before holding onto the dip of his waist. The look had been a pleasant suprise, especially since it's a shirt he suspiciously hasn't seen since their first trip to Texas — blue plaid. "I really want you naked already."
Henry whimpers and kisses him hard before shoving him back, detaching his back from the door and getting to work on Alex's request.
Ten mintutes later, Alex is crushing a powdery candy between his canine teeth by the jut of Henry's hip bone and licking away the excess. Only a few pieces remain over Henry's erection, and Alex nips at the skin gently, moaning as he places hot and frenetic kisses over him.
"Something funny?" He asks, looking up when Henry stifles a giggle. An aroused giggle, but a giggle just the same.
"I just remembered what you said about sending me a box of thongs." Henry says, running his fingers through Alex's hair. "I couldn't tell if you were coming onto me or not."
Alex hums, pushes the last bit aside and licks a stripe up Henry's cock. Henry gasps in return, bucking his hips a bit. "Am I being clear enough now?"
Henry cranes his neck and looks down, watching Alex tease the tip of his cock with his lips in a loose kiss that he knows drives Henry wild. He drops back down onto the pillows and runs a runs a shaking hand through his own hair, looking like he still can't believe this is happening. Any of it. Alex can relate. "Yes, you are. Quite."
"Good," Alex says, sucking him down to the root and pulling off with a hard pop then sitting back on his haunches, watching Henry's chest rise and fall rapidly. Yeah, I did that. You want me, he thinks, feeling pretty damn proud. He rips the rest of the candy underwear away, string and all. "Because in the spirit of being clear, I still want you to fuck me."
Alex kisses up Henry's leg, just because it's there, and waits for Henry to respond.
"I do too but, erm—" Henry hesitates, pulls himself up until he's sitting."
"We don't have to."
Henry groans and leans toward, cups Alex's cheeks and kisses him deeply. His tongue sweeps into Alex's mouth, teeth tug on his lower lip then move down to his jaw.
"I want to, darling. I'm just worried..."
Maybe he isn't the only one feeling insecure. He rubs Henry's back, waiting for him to be ready to say what he needs to say.
"Worried?"
Henry stops kissing him, drops his forehead on Alex's shoulder. "I've never— I'm worried I won't last."
So that's what it is.
"Baby, I want you to come inside me." After getting tested together, condoms have mostly been a thing of the past. "I don't care if it takes ten second or an hour as long as you want to. I just wanna feel you," He pulls away, looking into Henry's eyes that seem to change color depending on the time of day somehow. "I just wanna know what it's like. 'Cause the toy was great, but it's not just the orgasm I'm looking for."
Henry nods, "Alright." Then, "Did you bring it? The massager?"
"Yeah," Alex chuckles, "Thought you might wanna try it too."
"Who needs flowers?" Henry teases, moving to straddle Alex until they fall back into a laying position. Alex flips them over so Henry is on top, spreads his legs and holds their bodies together, content to just kiss for a long while until their bodies demand more.
"I—" Henry pants, into Alex's collarbone when his dick slips down and brushes against the furl of muscle. "Oh, I want to be inside of you."
"Me too, baby. Want you so bad, you have no idea."
Henry groans, slicking his fingers with lube and reaching down, his lips against Alex's racing heartbeat. "I have some idea."
Slender fingers pet over Alex's hole, soft circles around the flesh until it's fluttering, until Alex is babbling and digging his nails into Henry back. His back arches when Henry slips a finger in, moving his mouth to one of his nipples and sucking hard just so he can watch the flesh bounce when he pulls back, and Alex feels it all shoot south.
His dick rubs against Alex's trembling thigh, and Alex could scream from how bad he wants it. He spreads some lube over Henry's cock, giving him a few strokes and admiring how incredible what they're doing is, how far they've come together. Another finger joins and suddenly Alex is the one worried he won't last, not with Henry finding the spot that makes him see stars like it's nothing and not letting up until Alex is shivering.
He can feel precome smearing on his stomach, his balls drawn tight. When Henry adds another finger, spreads him open until Alex can't fathom holding on much longer.
"Okay, okay," Alex urges, pulling Henry up until they're face to face again. He can feel his heartbeat in every part of his body, can taste the arousal in the air. "Fuck me."
Henry's cock is wider than either of their fingers, wider than the toy, and he breathes out as he wills his body to relax when it nudges where Henry's fingers had been.
"I love you," Henry whispers, reassures, and kisses his forehead, "I loved you every time."
And Alex melts, a tear slipping out of the corner of his eye just as Henry presses their foreheads together at the same time that he starts pushing inside of him. Sex isn't inherently about love, but for them it is— it always has been. He's loved and been loved every time, and in this sense it's the same as it ever was.
But he's never felt so full. Never felt so...
"Mine," Henry gasps, his eyes closing in bliss when he is buried to the hilt. "You feel... Alex, oh God." Alex makes a sound he has no contol over and slides his hands down to cup Henry's ass, pulls him closer. His eyes open, looking into Alex's, searching.
"Are you alright?"
No piece of plastic could replicate this. The reminder that they're together. That they're real.
"I'd be a lot better if you fucking moved."
"Don't get cheeky," Henry grits out, pulling out and slowly pushing back in, his arms shaking, "when you're begging me to fuck you."
Alex smirks, shakes his head, "You love it."
Henry leans down and kisses him quiet, hooking Alex's thighs up around his hips to spread him wider and Alex digs his heels into small of Henry's back, "You— hah, you are handling this quite well."
"Yeah?" Alex's abs jump at the hint of praise.
"So good," Henry murmurs, breathing hotly against Alex's cheek as his thrusts pick up momentum. "You feel so good."
Alex moves his hand to palm himself, but Henry bats his hand away. "Just my cock."
There is a fire in Henry's eyes that makes his cock feel like it's livewire, and he chokes on his name when it brushes against the hair on Henry's belly, leaking.
Letting go of Henry's ass with one hand, he touches his own rim to feel instead, looks down to see. The slick slide of Henry's bare cock pummeling inside him is an transient experience, so good that he would fight God themself if it were actually a sin. The act itself is a reminder that it's not. He feels split open, vulnerable and strong and connected. "Fuck, yes. Just like that."
Henry pushes his leg up further, fucking him with a look of absolute awe on his face, and his cock is hitting right where he needs it and even better than he imagined.
"Baby," Alex breathes, holding onto Henry's biceps, his neck thrown back. His back and thighs burn as he thrusts up to meet Henry's movements, taking more— demanding more. And he loves that Henry trusts him to do so, that he knows he isn't going to break. "Baby, I'm gonna come, oh God, fucking Christ, I'm gonna come."
He can feel Henry's rapt attention on his face when he does, thick ropes of come landing on both their chests between them. Alex bites his lip, but Henry tugs it free. "I want to hear you, darling." Henry's voice is thin, shaking. "I love hearing you."
Alex cries out, his orgasm not relenting until his body is so taut in euphoria around the cock inside of him that Henry has no option but to come too, shuddering and pounding into Alex so harshly that the bed bangs against the wall. Alex forces his eyes open so he can watch Henry fall apart, drenched in sweat and trembling above him, his face serene as if in prayer.
"Alex, Alex, Alex." Henry says through shuddering moans, mouthing at his jaw as they continue to twitch through the aftershocks together.
"For the record," Henry says in the shower later that night as he cleans Alex up with a warm washcloth, "An emergency is whenever you want me to top you."
Alex laughs, smiles against the tile when Henry presses a kiss to his shoulder.
"Okay, and for the record I totally got you flowers."