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!!PLEASE READ THE NOTES BEFORE READING!!
Mothers’ Day on Berk was always a painful day for Hiccup.
Wherever he went- it was just constant decorations, people celebrating, people standing outside their houses laughing and gift giving. Families. Full complete families with two parents and with constantly healthy relationships that never made them feel like they were never good enough- or held them to these absolutely impossible, unachievable expectations- he was jealous. Envious even. He absolutely hated himself for being jealous but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to stay at the edge for Mothers’ day, but he wouldn’t do that to his friends whose mothers were in fact alive.
So they went back to Berk.
As soon as they landed on the island, all 5 of his friends had both of their respective parents waiting for them. Both of their alive, breathing parents. Their alive breathing mothers-
He couldn’t look. And he felt awful for it. It wasn’t like he could do anything about the fact that his mother died when he was three . There was no point in feeling sorry for himself, for wishing that he remembered more of her-
He didn’t dismount Toothless. His dad wasn’t there to greet him like he usually was. Whatever. It’s not like Mother’s Day had ever gone well for him.
He feigned a good mood when villagers would ask him how he was. He feigned a smile. He feigned his lack of envy and hatred for all the decorations. He hid his child like want to scream and to cry and to be held and to be told that it would all be okay and that things weren’t that bad.
And he hid that want every. Single. Year
And it killed him.
He’d been in a foul mood for the entire day. Irritable- angry- snappy. His usual sarcastic and sassy humour would turn into genuinely hurtful and insulting comments. He didn’t mean to. And he knew he shouldn’t. He knew it was wrong. He knew he had absolutely no right to be mad at people for not having dead mothers but he couldn’t help it. He was just so angry- and so bitter and so full of hate for the fact that he was denied the chance to know one of his parents. The fact that he was never given the chance to be raised by two loving supportive caregivers. Yeah sure, his dad tried . But at about the age of 7- when he realised that Hiccup wasn’t ‘ normal ’- suddenly his responsibility as the chief became way more important than his responsibility as a father. And he was hurt. He knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault- but by the gods he was so angry.
And that carried on all throughout the day. He was just angry. And he felt pathetic for it.
Eventually, when night would fall. He and Toothless decided it would be best to go on a flight. A long, long flight. A 4 hour flight to be exact. Nothing extraordinary. They didn’t leave Berk. But they went to the outskirts. The forests. The mountain tops, the cove , the caves beneath the island. At one point Hiccup wanted to see how far up they could go before he wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore.
But no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop thinking about his mum.
Over the years it had become harder and harder to remember her. It had been something he had to cope with, that his memories of her were slowly fading. It was hard . It was so ungodly difficult to cope with the fact that his mother was dead. That he never got to know her. That he was deprived a better life-
He does wonder that sometimes.
How different would his life be if his mother was there to raise him as well?
He often wonders if he would have been bullied, if he would have been hated by the entire village for the first 14 years of his life, if he and his dad would have actually been able to sustain a conversation prior to 4 years ago. He wonders how much better things could have gone. How much worse things could have gone. He wonders if he would have met Toothless? If he would have lost his leg. If he would have attempted to end his life.
He wonders. A lot.
When the time comes, after being out for 4 hours. He figures he should probably go home. He didn’t want to, but then again, he barely ever got anything he wanted.
Him and Toothless flew back to their place of residence on Berk, the house of his dad, the chief . As they flew back he thought about his dad. He loved his dad, he knew that for sure. But his younger self certainly didn’t. When he was 14- just after he had woken up from his coma after killing the red death, something he had to do because of his dad - something that made him lose his leg which is constantly causing him absolute agony- he remembers how much he hated his dad. Whenever he’d see him he’d physically feel ill from the overwhelming sense of paranoia he’d get- but- to his dad’s credit- he got so much better. It had been difficult and painful. But it had happened. His dad was no longer just someone he had to deal with, he was someone he actively wanted to be around. Some nights used to end in heated, explosive arguments- but some nights would end in neither of them going to bed- Hiccup leant against his dad’s side, sleeping peacefully. It was an experience. Not an experience that he was exactly thankful for, but one that he knew was necessary, and one that he’d forever be grateful for the outcome of.
Those thoughts ended when him and Toothless landed outside their house. Hiccup could feel the uneasiness creep up his spine, spreading throughout his system. His relationship with his dad was better . Not perfect .
He dismounted from the saddle, sort of hoping his dad would be asleep. It was around 10pm now- so he very well could be. He was fed up with today and just wanted to go to bed. He wasn’t in the mood to talk.
He quietly opened the door and-
He’s awake .
“ Ah- Hiccup- Didn’t think I’d see you today,”
Hiccup felt bad for that. He didn’t- he didn’t stop to think how his dad felt- he- gods he probably thought he was ignoring him-
“Uh- yeah- uhm- sorry about that- just been- uh… flying… and uhm-”
“No no- it’s alright. Just- good to see you.”
“Yeah- good- good to see you too dad-”
Hiccup stood at the front door, having closed it after Toothless had walked in behind him.
He didn’t really know what else to say. His dad hadn’t given him one of his usual rib crushing bear hugs when he saw him… Maybe he was tired? Maybe he had a bad day too? Should he ask him about his day? Should he just leave him because he’s too stressed? Does he even want to talk to him? Does he want to speak to his selfish envious, awful child that couldn’t even be bothered to-
“ How’s… how’s things at the edge then?”
…
Oh
“Oh- uhm- yeah they’re- they’re good-… things are good- just- y’know- dragons and-… and dealing with hunters- and… stuff .”
Stoick: “That’s- that’s good to hear!”
…
Gods this is so awkward
“Uh- how’s things on Berk?”
“Mundane for the most part. Be grateful you haven’t been here for the past like- 3 weeks? Silent Sven isn’t-… well he isn’t very silent anymore.”
“Oh- ahah- that’s uh-… good to know…”
…
“Son…? You okay…?
“W- What?”
“I said are you okay?”
“Oh… oh! Yeah uhm- fine - why?”
His dad looked at him. He knew that look. He knew the look of ‘ you’re lying, aren’t you?’ which was something his dad always seemed to be able to tell. That he was lying
“What? Why’re you looking at me like that?”
“Because I know there’s something wrong- and I have a pretty good feeling as to what.”
His dad gestured to the seat in front of him, Hiccup taking that as him being told to sit there. He reluctantly did so, preparing himself to lie his way out of this.
“It’s mothers’ day.”
“…yeah?”
“And… your mother isn’t here.”
…
“I… yes…”
He was rather taken aback by how straight forward his dad was with that. No tiptoeing around the subject- just- straight to the point… as usual -
“ Dad what’re you getting at- ?”
“I’m getting at the fact that whenever I have asked people about you today- They’ve said that you’re annoyed- or you’re sad- or you just won’t speak. I’m getting at the fact that there are mothers’ day decorations all over the village and that you cannot go anywhere without seeing them. I’m getting at the fact that you miss mum.”
…
That hit Hiccup.
His dad never brought up the topic of his mother.
His dead mother .
It was a silent law within their house that she was never mentioned. Except on the few occasions that it was necessary.
Hiccup found himself unable to do anything but stare at this dad. Bewildered. He had no idea where this was going- and he didn’t particularly want to know where it was going.
“Look- son- I know that we never talk about her- and- and I am so sorry that I have denied you the chance to… well… remember her.”
“No dad it’s-”
“No- let me finish- I- I- know I haven’t always been the best- and- well- that’s putting it lightly- I know that I used to be awful to you- I am aware of that. And- being truthful. It haunts me. And I will never ever forgive myself- or the rest of the village for that matter- for what they put you through. I will never forgive myself for the fact you were forced to grow up alone, isolated and scared. I will never forgive myself for the fact that you felt that I didn’t love you… because I do. I love you more than words can describe, son. And I want you to know how deeply, truly sorry I am for everything you have had to-”
Hiccup couldn’t take it.
He lurched forward, wrapping his arms tightly around his dad’s neck. He was crying. He was genuinely shedding tears in front of his dad . And he didn’t feel pathetic. His cries were silent until he felt his dad wrap his large, comforting arms around him, which just completely broke him. He started sobbing, hysterically .
Years of built up stress and constant worrying and constant thoughts and just overall bad memories flooded from his eyes. Each sob and each tear that fell represented each bit of pain he had gone through by the hands of other people. That pain that would be with him forever. That pain that he would never let go of. That pain that could never fully be healed due to the extent of its damage.
He cried, and he cried, and he cried… until he eventually stopped.
Neither of them spoke a word. Neither of them had to say anything. They both just silently agreed that being apart from each other was not something they would do right now.
So when Toothless had gotten tired, walking over and wrapping himself around the father and son, his head in Hiccup’s lap- and at some point during the night when Gobber had walked in, almost immediately understanding what had happened and draping a blanket over the three of them, opting to stay within the haddock household for the night, Hiccup realised something.
Sure, he didn’t have a mother.
But he did have a dad, who, despite his flaws and previous grievances, deeply loved him- and he had an admittedly strange mentor, who was more or less his uncle at this point- and he had a best friend… a brother- who wasn’t even the same species as him-
He had a family.
A full, complete, family.
And that was something he’d forever cherish.