Chapter Text
I want your drama, the touch of your hand (hey)
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love, love, love, I want your love
- bad romance, gcv
The show opens with an aerial shot of a beautiful island in the Caribbean. A tall blonde woman, dressed in a red Adidas tracksuit, stands on the beach of a beautiful island. The ocean crashes on the shore beside her. Tropical forestry stretches across a rolling green hillscape.
“Welcome to Temptation Island. The show where we take five couples and put their love to the test. Will their romance survive the trials and tribulations of the Island, or will they succumb to temptation? Join us as we follow these couples’ testing the strength of their love. I’m your host, Sue Sylvester. This is Temptation Island.”
Cue Title Card
We cut back to Sue on the beach.
“Now, let’s introduce you, average viewer, to our self-proclaimed unshakably in love couples who think they will somehow remain in love and faithful. There are a lot of names, hell, I don’t even remember meeting half of these people, so we won’t blame you for forgetting that some of these people exist.”
Sue looks past the camera, presumably at a member of the crew.
“Seriously, who are these people?”
The program cuts to a blonde woman and very, very tall brown haired man smiling at the screen in a cheesy glam shot.
An exposition card flashes up at the bottom of the screen:
Quinn and Finn
Dating for 5 years
We cut to a solo interview with Quinn. She sits on the chair primly, legs crossed, hands in her lap. She looks elegant. When she speaks, her voice is warm. She fiddles with her necklace, which has a Christian cross pendant.
“I met Finn during our first year of high school, but we didn’t start dating until our junior year. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and we won prom king and queen, and we’ve been in love ever since.”
“The first time I met Quinn, I thought she was the prettiest girl I’d ever met,” Finn says in his private interview. We can tell that he is just a bit too tall for the frame because the camera is more zoomed out than it was for Quinn. “Then she spoke and I thought she was kinda scary. But in a totally hot way,” he hastily adds. “I still think she’s kinda scary. But she’s awesome. I totally, like, love her, and stuff.” He pauses, a small half-smile on his face. “I think I’m gonna marry her one day.”
Finn grins at the camera goofily.
Then we show a cute little montage of Quinn and Finn walking on the beach, hand in hand, sharing a kiss every now and then. Aren’t they so cute? So sweet and in love? I’m sure nothing is going to fuck up their perfect little relationship.
Another couple cheesing at the cameras appears.
Mercedes and Shane
Dating for 2.5 Years
“Meeting Shane was like a dream come true,” Mercedes gushes to the camera during her interview. She genuinely looks love struck. Isn’t she adorable? So untouched by the pain of being stabbed in the back by the one she loves. We sure hope nothing will happen to mar her contagious optimism!
“We met at church. I’m a part of my church choir, and Shane came up to me after one of the services and he said that he loved my voice and asked if he could take me out on a date. We’ve been happy ever since.”
Shane is a soft spoken man, despite his intimidating stature. “I saw her singing and I thought, ‘damn. That woman is everything. I need to shoot my shot.’ So I did, and I scored.”
Isn’t that a… nice… sentiment?
Moving on!
Now we have yet another couple. This show is rather repetitive, isn’t it? Do not worry, average viewer, after the first episode, the drama will increase and the repetitiveness will cease. Woah, those were some fucking bars. All this rhyming with expert timing. This writer is a poet and didn’t even know it. Shakespeare is quaking in his grave.
Next we see an asian girl wheeling her boyfriend on the sand. They are both laughing. They look so happy together! Aww.
Tina and Artie
Dating for 1 year
Tina’s voice plays over a candid video of Tina sitting on Artie’s lap as they embrace on the beach and watch the tide ripple along the shore.
“I m-m-met Artie two years ago and we became best friends. He is totally awesome. We started dating about a year ago. Our f-friends asked us to g-g-g-go on a d-date and it went surprisingly w-well. I thought we should try being a couple for real and… h-h-here we are.”
When Artie appears on-screen for his private interview, he has his arms crossed loosely, attempting to emit an air of nonchalance.
“The moment I met Tina, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I can really relate to her, because she has a stutter, and I am in a wheelchair, so we both know what it’s like to live a life of struggle and prejudice. She’s also the coolest person I know. She’s so badass. I mean, have you seen her ti-“
The camera cuts Artie off before he can finish that sentence.
Another couple! We are almost finished, patient viewer. Do not worry. You will receive a reward for putting up with this long ass introduction. Or you can skip this part. Who cares?
Now we have two boys smiling as they walk along the beach, hand in hand, looking very whipped.
Kurt and Blaine
Dating for 3 Years
“Kurt and I met on the steps of our high school four years ago in our junior year and we just connected immediately.”
Blaine’s eyes are shining brightly and his voice is absolutely oozing warmth. He looks absolutely enamoured. It’s sickening.
“My head didn’t know it at the time, but it was like my soul knew that Kurt and I were meant to be together. We are soulmates. He is the most interesting guy I’ve ever met. We had only been dating a year when I knew that I was going to marry him.” Blaine chuckles and ducks his head as a blush creeps over his cheeks. Ah, young love.
“I think meeting Blaine was one of the best things that ever happened to me,” Kurt admits quietly to the camera. He sits, legs crossed, elegant and aloof. He twists a ring on his left hand. “He saved my life. Without him…” Kurt trails off, and his expression closes off to a polite smile. “I love him a lot. He is very precious to me. I don’t want to lose him.”
Finally, patient viewer, we have the last couple. A man and a woman walk on the beach and smile at the camera. The woman has a million-watt smile. Seriously, she has an excellent camera smile. It is like she was made for the screen. What the fuck? And her boyfriend is there, too.
Rachel and Jacob
Dating for 2 Years
“Having a boyfriend is very important to me,” Rachel says passionately directly to the camera lens. Her face is set in a serious expression. “Being able to relate to love and sexual experiences is imperative to my career. I’m an actress, and I intend to be on Broadway as soon as possible. I already know that I am a star. It is time that the rest of the world knows that, too. Being on television will help me get to stardom because I need to shine. I have an amazing voice, no doubt it will be showcased many times during this experience.”
“I’m obsessed with her,” Jacob gushes, smiling at the crew behind the camera. “She’s so beautiful, and we’re both Jewish, which makes my mom really happy. I want her to have my babies.”
And… that is Rachel and Jacob, viewers. Trust us, we are just as disturbed as you are.
We cut to all of the couples standing, hand in hand, or arms wrapped around each other, on the beach with Sue. Sue stands with her arms crossed, frowning.
“Welcome, couples, to Temptation Island. Here, we will test your loyalty to each other for our own amusement. You agreed to be here, so any psychological or emotional damage you suffer is merely collateral. Do not come crying to me when you inevitably end up in severe emotional distress because your partner bonked someone else. You signed the contract.”
Kurt arches an eyebrow, but says nothing. Quinn scoffs. Blaine chuckles, as if Sue is making a joke.
“Quinn!” Sue barks. Quinn squares her shoulders. “How confident are you in the Addams Family Butler’s love for you?”
“My name is Finn…” Finn mumbles. Quinn pinches his arm. He yelps but stops talking.
“I am one hundred percent confident in Finn,” Quinn smiles, her voice silky smooth. “He and I love each other very much, and we both know adultery goes against God.”
“Lurch?” Sue asks, addressing Finn. “Do you agree?”
Finn nods his head.
“Uh, yeah, totally. Cheating is like, really bad, or whatever, and I love Quinn. And God is like. Um. Important. Or something. So, yeah.”
He gives Sue a thumbs up. Sue blinks, momentarily taken aback by this response. She cannot remember the last time someone had the audacity to give her a thumbs up.
“Aretha!” Sue calls next.
“That’s not my name-“ Mercedes starts, but Sue talks over her.
“How do you feel about him?”
Mercedes smiles up at Shane.
“I have full confidence in my baby. He is the most loyal person I know.”
“Like a dog,” Sue murmurs quietly. Either Mercedes cannot hear her, or she chooses to ignore Sue’s comment in favour of leaning up to kiss Shane. When they pull back, Shane starts to talk unprompted. Which is unusual, because this is a reality show, and Sue needs to ask questions to signpost what is happening to assist the editing crew.
“I know Mercedes and my love is strong enough to survive anything,” Shane declares, not breaking eye contact with Mercedes. “I ain’t going nowhere, and neither is she.”
Sue raises her eyebrows and runs a tongue over her teeth.
“Confident words from a confident man. Wheels! Asian! How about you two?”
Artie lifts a hand to adjust his glasses.
“I have full faith in Tina,” Artie says, leaning back to smile up at her. She squeezes his shoulder and nods, but says nothing.
Sue plunders on.
“Gays! Tell me. Are you two going to make it or is your gay rainbow love going to evaporate into the ether?”
Kurt takes a deep breath. This is his first day and his patience is being tested. Blaine gapes like a fish for a moment, before a charming, if nervous, smile appears. He pats Kurt on the chest with the hand that is not wrapped around Kurt’s waist.
“Our love is unbreakable. I have full faith that Kurt and I’s love can survive anything and everything. We are meant to be together, and this show will just prove to the world that just because we are two men doesn’t mean we are going to leap at the first opportunity for sex.”
Sue squints her eyes, silently assessing that answer. And, wow, what an answer from Blaine. Kurt gives Blaine moony eyes, as if this is the most romantic thing he has ever heard.
“For legal reasons, I am not touching that response. Lady?” Sue asks.
Kurt does a double take at the nickname, but otherwise does not address it.
“Uh, I agree with Blaine,” he says, smiling softly. “He is it for me. I don’t see myself, or him, straying.”
“Interesting. I hope for your own sake that your gay rainbow love lasts or else you will be single-handedly setting the gay rights movement back fifty years. Jewfro!”
“Rachel owns me,” Jacob says immediately. “I would never cheat on her.”
Rachel gives a blinding smile. Her teeth are unnaturally white. It is distracting. Stop it, Rachel.
“I truly believe that whatever happens, Jacob and I will both be happy.” Rachel flips her hair over her shoulder.
Sue claps her hands.
“Finally! Now, we are going to separate all of you. Boys and Blaine, you will be staying in the Beach Villa located behind me. This will be your home for the next several weeks. Ladies and Lady, you will be staying in the Mountain Villa. Stay here while I take the boys to their testosterone den. Gentlemen, if you’ll follow me, we can finally get off this damn beach. I am chafing in places no twenty seven year old should chafe.”
Quinn and Finn exchange glances.
“Twenty seven?” Finn asks, looking worried. Quinn rubs his arm, soothing him the way one strokes a spooked horse.
“I think she’s lying. Don’t worry. You won’t look like that in six years, I promise.”
Finn’s expression clears, looking relieved.
“Behave for me, okay?” Quinn laces her hands around Finn’s neck and pulls him down for a heated kiss.
When they separate, Finn simply nods.
“Love you.” Finn sounds earnest. Is he not just such a sweet boy? Bless his soul.
“Love you too,” Quinn echoes. “Remember, God is always watching us.” With that, she winks and releases him. He notices Artie struggling with his wheelchair in the sand after finishing his passionate farewell with Tina, and he heads straight for him, pushing his chair to join Sue, Jacob, and Shane, the latter two of which had brief, chaste goodbyes that did not really need documenting. Time is money.
“My name isn’t Lady,” Kurt mumbles to Blaine, cranky. The microphone around his neck catches the complaint, though. “This feels weird. How are you going to be tempted by women?”
“I don’t know,” Blaine murmurs back, looking confused. “I literally won’t be. Maybe they know it’s impossible for me to be tempted?”
Kurt makes an offended noise and arches an eyebrow. Realising what he said, Blaine’s eyes bug and he tightens his grip on Kurt. “No - I just mean - in the sense that - !”
Kurt shakes his head and cups Blaine’s cheeks.
“I know what you meant,” Kurt promises, smiling softly. He reaches one hand up to brush back Blaine’s curls from his forehead. They spring back into place almost immediately. Kurt’s smile widens at the action. “I love you, Bee. So much.”
Blaine looks as though he is on the verge of tears.
“I love you too.”
Blaine kisses Kurt sweetly. Kurt pulls back first, wrapping his arms around Blaine’s shoulders in a tight hug.
“I‘ll never say goodbye to you,” Kurt whispers. Finally, they separate, and Kurt joins the girls on the beach while Blaine follows Sue and the other boys towards the Beach Villa.
The Beach Villa
The Boys
19/02/2024, 12:20pm
Believe it or not, the Beach Villa is exactly what it sounds like. It is a villa on the beach. There are bedrooms located down two different hallways, one on the left and one on the right. There is one room for each boy.
The open plan kitchen, living room, and dining room sits in the middle. The living room has a wall of glass, with sliding panel doors that open to the patio with more lounge chairs and a large swimming pool and jacuzzi.
The decor is mostly white and orange, with the furniture feeling modern and sleek. The boys stare around the villa in awe as they enter. Finn and Artie bump fists when they see the living room.
“This set-up is fucking sick, yo,” says Artie. Shane gives him a side eye.
Sue stands in the centre of the living room and puts her hands on her hips. The boys form a semicircle around her.
“Gentlemen! You will be living here. Your luggage has been allocated to your bedrooms. There are cameras everywhere. All food and drinks will be provided to you by our catering team. Enjoy living here for the next few weeks. I will let you settle in, look around, and get to know each other. Try not to die while I’m gone.”
If there is one thing that we need to know about Sue Sylvester, it is that she is efficient. Before taking on this role as the host of Temptation Island, she was a seven time consecutive national champion cheerleading coach. She had a dismal fall from grace, however, when she launched a cheerleader out of a canon, which resulted in a lifelong ban from cheerleading and numerous non-disclosure agreements needing to be signed, so here she is.
Sue exits the villa, on her way to gather the girls and Kurt to take them to the Mountain Villa.
The boys stand together in silence for a moment.
“So, um, you’re gay?” Shane asks Blaine. Blaine rolls his shoulders, immediately on the defensive.
“Yeah? Is that going to be a problem?”
Finn appears to be gearing up for a fight, too. He steps closer to Blaine and glares at Shane. Shane holds his hands up in surrender.
“Nah, man, it’s cool,” Shane hurries to reassure Blaine. “I’m just wondering, ‘cause, like, I assume there’s gonna be some chicks here, so I don’t, like, understand why you’re… here.”
“That’s a good point,” Artie chimes in. “What happens with you?”
Blaine just shrugs.
The Mountain Villa
The Girls + Kurt
19/02/2024, 3:45pm
“Welcome, Ladies, to the Mountain Villa,” Sue declares upon entering the living room. The layout is almost identical to the boys’ villa, but instead of orange tones everywhere, the furniture and decor is olive green. The girls and Kurt admire the villa quietly. “As I told the boys, all your things have been placed in a room for you, and all meals and drinks will be provided by a catering service. I do not care what you do. Your time is yours. Fill it.”
Sue exits the villa.
The girls and Kurt seem unsure of what to do. Kurt takes the initiative to sit on the large couch on the patio, and all the girls follow his lead.
“So, Kurt, I just w-want to ask, and I-I-I hope I’m not overstepping here, b-b-but is your b-boyfriend b-b-bisexual?” Tina asks.
“No.” Kurt crosses his arms, his body language as firm as his voice.
“Then w-why -?”
“I assume,” Quinn jumps in, “that they just needed to separate Kurt and Blaine. No doubt the producers have thought this through.”
Tina nods, looking slightly abashed. Rachel chimes in.
“I have two gay dads.”
Everyone turns to look at her in unison.
“Okay, and?” Mercedes asks. She looks flabbergasted. “Do you want a gold star or something?”
Rachel rolls her eyes.
“I’m just pointing out something Kurt and I have in common!”
Quinn’s eyebrows shoot up her forehead. Kurt flicks his eyes up and down Rachel’s body, looking vaguely disgusted.
“My father is straight,” he says coolly.
“You know what I mean,” Rachel responds.
“Do I?” Kurt arches an eyebrow. The tension in the room feels so thick that if you threw a rubber ball against it, it would bounce back at terminal velocity. Does that make sense? Who cares? What was wrote is done. Nothing is real.
“So, Quinn!” Mercedes claps her hands. “How did you and Finn meet?”
Quinn smiles bashfully.
“We met in our freshman year of high school. We were prom king and queen in our senior year.”
Mercedes coos.
“And how long have you two been dating?”
Quinn fiddles with her necklace.
“5 years, now. Since junior year.”
“Holy shit!” Tina claps her hands over her mouth, as though doing so would take back her outburst. Everyone giggles, and the tension in the room eases. “S-s-sorry.”
Quinn waves her off.
“Don’t worry about it. We were the most popular couple in high school. It was incredible.”
Kurt hums. Mercedes turns to Kurt.
“And what about you, sugar?”
Kurt blushes.
“Blaine and I met in high school, too, but not until junior year.” He clears his throat, shifts slightly in his seat, taps his fingers. “We started dating in senior year, and we’ve been together for three years now.”
Kurt exchanges a quick glance with Quinn, before tapping Mercedes on the arm.
“Now you, gorgeous. How did you and Shane meet?”
“At church,” Mercedes says, sighing dreamily. “He was captivated by my voice. Said he felt compelled to ask me out.”
Rachel straightens in her chair.
“Voice? You can sing?” Her voice comes out strangled.
“Yeah!” Mercedes beams, not noticing Rachel starting to twitch. “I’m in my church choir. Shane and I have been together for two and a half years. He’s amazing. And we’re both waiting until marriage, so…”
Tina gapes.
“Y-y-you’re waiting until m-marriage?” She asks. Mercedes nods. “W-why are you h-h-here?”
Mercedes shrugs.
“The same reason anyone is here. To test our love. And to get on T.V.” She winks and her and Kurt dissolve into giggles.
“Jacob and I have been together for two years,” Rachel states, unprompted. No one asks any follow-up questions.
“What about you and Artie, Tina?” Quinn asks. Tina shrugs.
“We’ve been together for about a year. Artie’s super cool but he can be a bit…”
Everyone leans forward, waiting for her to continue. Tina looks up, trying to find the words.
“Artie really likes women, and he really likes sex, and I just … if he is going to cheat on me, I may as well get money out of it.”
Oh. Okay. Thanks, Tina.
The Beach Villa
The Boys
19/02/2024, 5:30pm
All you need to know, person spending their time viewing this program, is that the boys have been getting similarly acquainted with one another, also, coincidentally, on the patio couch, except they found the beer and have also been drinking. Only one beer each. They’re not getting shitfaced. Yet. We are not going to rehash the same dating information again. No one needs that. Thank you for understanding.
Sue enters the villa.
“Boys.” Her voice booms. The boys begin to stand. “No, stay seated.” They sit down again.
“Firstly, I am here to introduce you to a brand new way of how we run this show. You see that light over there?”
She points to a light in the centre of the ceiling. It is off. Sue clicks her fingers. The light flashes green, and a loud alarm blares. It turns off, before flashing yellow and blaring again. Once more, it turns off, then flashes red with the alarm sounding. Once it turns off, for the final time, Sue directs her attention back to the boys.
“That is our alarm system. Each colour indicates when the girls in the other villa have crossed a boundary. The girls will not be notified when they have triggered the alarm here.”
“What do the colours mean?” Shane asks.
“Good question, beefcake. Yellow means that someone is flirting with the line of cheating. We have determined this to be behaviours like sexual dancing or intimate touching that does not include kissing on the mouth or sex. Red means cheating. Kissing, sexual intercourse, etcetera.”
The boys absorb this information, grim faced.
“What does the green light mean?” Blaine asks, breaking the silence.
“Well, I felt weird using red and yellow without green, so the green is just there for, ah, aesthetic purposes.” Sue smiles, as though she has performed an act of generosity. “Now that that is over with, allow me to introduce to you: the temptations!”
Music begins to blast out of speakers that are located discreetly around the villa. Finn just about shits himself in shock. A swarm of girls walk through the backyard and around the pool, coming to a stop in a line before the boys.
“Girls! Introduce yourselves. Boys, try to control yourselves. I don’t know what depraved activities you’re capable of and frankly, I don’t care. Just sit and listen.”
The first girl comes forward, a tall, blonde girl with very long legs in a lime green strapless dress.
“My name is Brittany S. Pierce and I am a woman,” says Brittany in a soft voice.
“Yeah, you are!” Calls Artie. Sue shoots him a withering glare. Brittany rejoins the line. Next is a lithe, and frankly stunning, Latina woman in a red bandage dress.
“I’m Santana, I’m a gemini, and I can’t wait to meet all of you,” she says in a sultry, suggestive voice. She saunters back beside Brittany, and the two girls link pinkies. Artie wolf whistles.
Next, a brunette girl who is dangerously flirting with being ginger, steps forward in a pink get up.
“I’m Sugar and I have self-diagnosed Aspergers, which means I can say whatever I want and I think I will end up fucking all of you.” She winks and slinks back in line.
A shorter blonde girl is next, wrapped in a black strip of material that could technically be called a dress, and she looks great.
“I’m Kitty, and this pussy needs to be played with,” she says smoothly. The line is coarse, but it seems to work (on Artie, at the very least, because he starts to clap. Seriously, Artie?).
Next, is, “Lauren Zizes, and I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S.”
And, finally, clad in black and silver, and ten-inch heels, is, “Unique, and let me assure you, you ain’t never had a woman like me.”
Sue claps.
“And there you have it, for the enjoyers of women among us. These women are your temptations. Try to resist them. Or not. I don’t care.”
Blaine raises his hand, like a school boy asking a question, but he is ignored.
“Wheels!” Sue barks.
Artie salutes her.
“Which of these ladies are you most tempted by?” Sue asks.
Artie hums, appearing to seriously consider his answer.
“I would have to say, probably Brittany or Kitty. I have a thing for blondes.”
Brittany offers a finger wave and coy smile to Artie with the hand not holding Santana’s, which he responds to in kind.
“Lugs. You.”
Finn looks like he has been caught off-guard. He chuckles nervously.
“Uhm, I guess … maybe Kitty?”
Sue furrows her eyebrows.
“You sound unsure.”
A constipated expression crosses Finn’s face.
“I just don’t know if I’m allowed, to um, you know-“
“Don’t care,” Sue cuts him off. “Shane?”
“Definitely Unique,” Shane responds without hesitation. Unique winks at him.
“Jewfro? Now.”
Jacob pushes his glasses up his nose.
“Probably Sugar. She looks the most Jewish.”
“Ew. I’m not,” Sugar says. “Sorry. Asperger’s.” She does not sound apologetic.
“Gay Blaine. Any female stirring your loins?” Sue asks.
Blaine balks.
“Um… no. Thank you, but no.”
“Fascinating. Ladies, thank you. I’m leaving. You can all get to know each other or something. Enjoy, losers.”
Blaine opens his mouth to speak, but it’s too late - Sue is out the door. The girls join the boys on the patio furniture.
“So, where can a thirsty girl like me get a drink?” Kitty purrs, sidling up to Finn. Finn turns red and stands up very quickly from the couch.
“Um, the fridge. I’ll show you. I mean I can get it for you.”
“No, that’s okay,” Kitty says. She wraps her hand around Finn’s arm. “I want to come.”
“Oh my god,” Finn chokes out, half laughing, half terrified.
The Mountain Villa
The Girls + Kurt
19/02/2024, 8:15pm
Everyone is huddled, wrapped in lightweight jumpers and cradling glasses of wine, on the same outdoor furniture as before, making conversation and laughing among each other.
Sue enters the garden, tall and red and Adidas clad as ever.
“Ladies! Your attention. I am here to go over some necessary information. As you may have noticed, in the living room there is a big light. It does this handy dandy trick that, until now, you did not know existed.”
She points dramatically, and just like with the boys, the light flashes green, yellow, and red, with the alarm blaring accompanying each flash. Everyone looks startled as they turn and stare at the light.
“This alarm system will indicate to you when your men are interacting with their temptations. The alarm will go off yellow when they do something we consider borderline cheating, such as hanky panky without reaching third base. It will go red when they fully cheat on you, like, by kissing or sleeping with someone, or humping like rabbits in heat. Do rabbits go into heat? Ah, I don’t care. Sorry to inform you ladies, that the gentlemen have had about a -“ Sue looks at her watch. “- a three hour head start with their temptations. But worry not!”
A few of the girls look horrified at the declaration that the boys have had a head start with their temptations, but Sue diverts their attention to the garden, where the boyfriends enter from. Everyone perks up at seeing their partners so soon, but the boys are directed to stand on the opposite side of the patio, away from their girlfriends.
“Welcome, boys, to the Mountain Villa. Take a good look, as this will be the first and last time you see this villa. Now, ladies of the Mountain Villa, I would like to introduce to you, your boyfriends’ temptations!”
No one says a word. Music starts pumping from hidden speakers, and all of the female temptations strut from the back of the garden to the left hand side of the pool. As each temptation walks past a girlfriend and Kurt, Sue calls out their names. Every single partner looks a bit sick.
Once all of the female temptations have been introduced, the music quiets slightly.
“Alright, you sorry excuses for breathing meat sacks. Now that that part is over, we can introduce the ladies to their temptations. Come on over, boys!”
There are even more people entering the Mountain Villa. This is a lot to keep track of. Patient viewer, we here at Temptation Island thank you for bearing with us. It will become less crowded later on. Sadly, introductions must be made.
The first man to step forward has a mohawk and muscles. He flexes them and introduces himself as, “Puck. I’m a fucking sex shark, and if I stop moving… I die.”
“Oh, my god,” Kurt murmurs under his breath.
The next man is a tall brunette with wavy, fluffy hair. An air of confidence surrounds him, bordering on arrogance.
“I’m Jesse,” he says, a melodic lilt to his voice. Rachel eyes him up and down appreciatively. “Let’s just say I know a thing or two about vocal adrenaline.” He winks, blue eyes twinkling. What a man.
“He looks like the guy from Hamilton,” Kurt whispers to Mercedes. Mercedes smacks Kurt on the arm.
“Lin Manuel Miranda? Are you crazy? This is a white man,” She hisses. Kurt shakes his head.
“No, like, the nutcase. The king. The one who spits on people.”
“He can spit on me,” Rachel chimes in from the other side of Mercedes, effectively putting an end to the conversation.
Then there is an attractive man with a closely shaved head and a smile that could melt a glacier.
“I’m Matt, and I love to dance, and I also love football. Most of all, I would love to love you.”
Though the line is corny, it comes across as genuine. Sadly for dear, sweet Matt, none of the girlfriends seem interested.
A guy with dreadlocks, tattoos, a nose ring, open-toe sandals, and what is best described as a linen smock steps up next.
“Hi, my name is Joe, I love Jesus, and I am here to make Temptation Island history.”
He holds his hands up in a rock n’ roll gesture. Mercedes snickers behind her hand, and Quinn rolls her eyes.
Next, a man who looks like a walking Ken doll. Seriously, he is more hairless than a hairless cat. He looks shiny. His rippling pectorals are glistening. What the fuck?
“Hi, I’m Brody.”
He steps back.
Well. Thank you for that riveting introduction, Brody. The next man to introduce himself is a tall, lithe bloke with a smattering of moles decorating his face and neck. He carries himself with an air of arrogance. In one word, this man simply looks smarmy.
“I’m Sebastian, and I am so sorry ladies, but none of this,” he gestures to himself, “is for you. I’m what I like to call, a gay bar superstar.”
Kurt scoffs. Sebastian’s eyes narrow, and he tilts his head slightly, like a confused dog, but he does not seem offended. Rather, he seems amused. A challenge has been laid before him.
And Sebastian, it would appear, loves a challenge.
Yet another man to add to this exhaustive list of people. But he is the last one! A tall, athletic, soft spoken man called Mike.
The men all stand in a row, similar to the girls, on the right hand side of the pool. Sue steps forward.
“Now, ladies, Lady, you have met your temptations. Tell me, each of you, who is tickling your fancy.”
“I-in front of o-our boyfriends?” Tina asks, flabbergasted.
“Obviously! That’s why they’re here, Asian number one. Who are you wanting to make babies with?”
Tina shifts in her seat and scans the men in front of her. After giving Artie an apologetic glance, Tina makes a decision.
“Mike.”
Artie crosses his arms crossly, with a cross expression slapped on his face.
“Q! Who are you wanting to copulate with?”
Quinn cackles, caught off guard by the word choice.
“Oh, uhm, I think… Puck.”
Puck smirks and winks at her. She ducks her head and blushes, looking up at him from her lashes.
“The sex shark?” Finn calls out. Quinn blinks in surprise. Her mouth gapes, words failing her. The girl temptations all ooh dramatically.
Sue wastes no time.
“Rachel! Tell us who you want to take behind a dumpster and feed raccoons with, or whatever it is you sexless parakeet wannabe, do in your free time.”
“Personally, Jesse has captured my eye. He sounds like he would be an excellent vocalist and I need someone who can match my talent in all aspects.”
“Who cares? Not me. This is such a waste of my time. Jesus Christ. Aretha! What about you?”
Mercedes bites her lip nervously.
“Honestly, I can’t say anyone at the moment. It’s too soon for me to tell.”
“Really?” Sue furrows her brows and looks like she would like to be anywhere but here. “You have eyes, don’t you? Who is the most attractive? Tell me now or I’ll deport you.”
Mercedes stammers, shocked, before settling on, “um, I guess Puck is cute?”
Puck sends a smouldering look to Mercedes. Shane scowls from his place among the boyfriends.
“Lady. Which one do you want.”
Kurt’s grip on his wine glass tightens.
“Okay, first of all, my name isn’t Lady, and second, I don’t even know how many of these guys are gay.”
“I’m sorry, I thought that was your name. As an apology, I will let you choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, or Tickle-Me-Doughface.”
Kurt remains quiet for a moment, takes a sip of wine, and levels Sue’s stare with an unreadable expression.
“I guess I’ll go with Porcelain,” he says crisply. Sue clicks her tongue and smiles.
Wait, zoom in on that. Sue Sylvester is smiling genuinely at another human being. This is a moment for the ages.
“Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me-Doughface. Regardless, who cares about semantics? Who do you want to make gay, gay love with?”
Patience is a virtue, and on all levels except religious, Kurt Hummel is a saint. He barely bats an eye at Sue, and instead rakes a judgemental gaze across the temptations.
They all puff their chests. It is silent for a while as Kurt deliberates.
“Matt.” Kurt decides. Across the patio, Blaine’s eyes begin to well up.
“Why?”
Kurt sips his wine before he answers Sue’s question.
“He looks the least homophobic.”
Matt perks up as if this is a compliment.
“Fascinating. What about the gay one?” Sue rebuts.
“He looks like the word ‘lacrosse’. I won’t touch him with a ten-foot barge pole.”
Sebastian is equal parts offended and impressed.
“Very well. Sebastian, if you could please join the temptresses over there. Congratulations, you are now a member of the Beach Villa.”
“Wait, what?” Kurt rises from his chair, wine glass dangling from his fingertips. “What’s - what’s going on?”
“Well, Porcelain, your potentially future Mrs. Porcelain needs a man to be tempted by, does he not? He can’t test his love if he’s surrounded by girls. If you don’t want him, short stack will undoubtedly find some use for him.”
Kurt stands there like a stunned mullet as Sebastian saunters across the pool yard to join the temptresses. He turns to Blaine, hands flying in a gesture that says, what the fuck?
Blaine sits quietly, eyes wide, hands clasped in his lap. The lighting makes it difficult to tell whether he is blushing or not. He does not appear to be upset by the proceedings.
Mercedes gently tugs Kurt back down to sit on the couch.
“Well, what an evening!” Sue claps her hands. “Now that introductions have been made, the Beach Villa people can return to their Kama Sutra den, and you lot can all stay here and talk or paint your nails, or solve string theory, whatever you people do. I’m leaving.”
The cameras pan over the participants. Some of them look shocked or nervous. Notably, Rachel is smiling. Kurt’s expression is unreadable. Finn’s face is scrunched in confusion.
May the first night of Temptation Island commence.