Chapter Text
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
video:
[The camera turned on, wobbling near invisible in the darkness of the room. Someone laughed. “Welcome to--”
“I’m home, Pretty Girl!” a man’s voice called, and the camera shakily panned over to a window, where Spider-Man was crawling in. The room was dark, so no details could be made out besides the shaft of city light over red and blue webbed spandex.
His hand went up, and a woman’s voice made a sound of alarm. “Wait, don’t take off your mask!”
Spider-Man stiffened, his hand slapping the air besides himself and hitting something along the wall that made the camera’s holder hiss under her breath. “Why? Who’s here?”
“No, no, everything’s fine, it’s me, I just want to post something.”
“You post me all the time,” Spider-Man chuckled, cocking his head a little in confusion as he moved out of the light and toward the camera, figure turning into a silhouette.
“To your Spider-Man account,” the woman said, a smile in her voice. Spider-Man was leaning over the camera, before a loud, delighted laugh escaped him, shaking it.
“What are you wearing? Is this my spare mask?”
“Maybe.”
“I think you pull it off better than I do,” Spider-Man teased. The camera shifted, and something rustled. “Did you get your exclusive footage yet? Are you gonna sell me out to the Bugle?”
“I haven’t yet, have I?”
“Alright, alright, so no blackmail. Care to let me in on your evil plan?”
The woman giggled, and the video cut.]
And so, the internet exploded.
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
PLEASE stop sending me nudes just because you found out I’m taken. You’re all going to get me killed
sara @newdaynewdawn
people are sending spider-man nudes??????
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I don’t get it either!!!!
sara @newdaynewdawn
guys leave spidey alone!!! nudes are super weird!!!
Johnny @officialht ✔️
Get a load of this idiot
video:
[The camera wobbled as the video started, showing off the room the world knew to belong to Johnny Storm. It focused on the window, however, where a man in red and blue was crawling into the window, complaining.
“--a papercut, Johnny! What kind of boss makes you handle such dangerous work?”
“Didn’t you get stabbed like, three days ago?”
“Five, actually,” Spider-Man said proudly, hopping to his feet. “But that’s not what I’m here for. A papercut!”
“Are you joking?”
“No,” Spider-Man said, still whining as he ripped off his right glove with his teeth and stomped closer to the bed, shoving the hand above the camera. “Do you see this war wound I got? The secretary on floor five literally told me when I started that I looked like I couldn’t carry a water bottle, and I’m being forced to do manual labor?”
“Didn’t you say that all you had to do was put paper in the copy machine? You’ve picked up Ben, moron.”
“Not as a civilian,” Spider-Man insisted.
“Pussy.”
Spider-Man’s hand rose back up against the camera before the phone jumped as Johnny yelped.
A burst of light exploded, revealing that Johnny had shot a handful of flames at him.
“Dick!”
“Why can’t you ever complain about anything worth listening to?” Johnny grumbled.
“Because that,” Spider-Man said matter-of-factly, “is no fun.”
He reached a hand back up, and Johnny slapped it away, dropping the phone. It showed a dark screen for a second before Spider-Man spoke, now incredulous.
“Are you recording me?”
“Did your eyes stop working?” Johnny shot back, and the phone lifted again, now focused dead-on Spider-Man.
“What, did JJJ’s reward finally get high enough?”
“Puh-lease. I have way better blackmail on you than video of you being a dumbass.”
“Then why is there a camera pointed at my face?”
“What?” Johnny said, and he sounded like a spurned toddler. “Is your girlfriend the only one who can take videos of you now?”
Spider-Man recoiled a little, his mask scrunching up around his nose. “Since when are you guys close enough to share videos of me?”
Johnny sounded confused. “We’re… not? It’s… on your Twitter? Are you stupid or something?"
“Aw, you're following me again? I knew you loved me, Lumiere.”
“Ugh, shut up.” Johnny groaned. “I can’t believe how lame you are. The entire city’s been talking about you two. Obviously I’d know, whether I follow you or not.”
“You didn’t deny it!”
“No, because I do follow you, dumbass. Smile for the camera, this one’s going on my account.”
Spider-Man looked a little confused at the prompt, but his lenses flattened at the bottom nonetheless as he flashed a thumbs-up at the camera.
“Is--”]
The Daily Bugle @thedailybugle
Spider-Man: Home Invader? Viral video shows New York’s resident pest breaking into the Baxter Building: thedailybugle.com/spider-man-home-inv
Johnny @officialht ✔️
I’m convinced no one at the bugle has a brain
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
he’s so in love with me it’s crazy
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
lol??? spidey??
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY PRIVATE
Johnny @officialht ✔️
How is your identity still a secret
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
LEAVE ME ALONE
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
The next person to dm me #jamespidey will be one hundred percent responsible for me jumping off the brooklyn bridge without my webs
Johnny @officialht ✔️
This is my favorite trend of all time if you end it I’ll kill you myself
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I got five messages yesterday calling me a twunk for reasons unknown. And this
[screenshot:
A chain of dms.
i GOTTA tap that
if it’s good for pretty girl it’s good for me
i’ll leave a window open just for you ;)
the only thing you’ll have to lift will be your hips
i’m flattered but i think i’ll pass
i saw you disarm that bomb on the news but i promise i’ll let you blow this time baby
LOL????
this is the best pickup line i’ve ever been hit with
i’m still not interested but thanks for the laugh
worth a shot
end screenshot]
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
My last tweet was not an invitation to send me your best pickup lines, everyone.
Johnny @officialht ✔️
I have never been happier to have twitter
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
me either!!!! <3
video:
[Spider-Man is laughing so hard he’s on his knees on the ground, pointing insistently at his phone.
“They said-- they said-- hahaha!-- by the time they were-- snrkt-- done with me, my guts would be rearranged so hard my intestines would look like the Jackal!” Spider-Man collapsed into a fit of breathless laughter, falling fully to the ground. “Who says that?!”
“Where does that one go on the list?”
“Number three, at least!” Spider-Man snickered, curling up into a ball and groaning as he clutched his stomach. “Oh man, the guy who said he'd split my legs like the Avengers is still second, but that’s great competition.”
“What was first again?”
Spider-Man lifted his head toward the ceiling of the unknown room. “Either the girl who asked me to wrap her up in webs and spin her on my thing like the Disneyworld teacups or… ” He snatched the phone back up, tapping a for a few seconds before he slid it over.
The camera shook momentarily as the mysterious girl trained the lens on the screen, but the message was visible.
spidey ngl i wanna climb you like a damn skyscraper. ill make your eyes roll up so high you wont be able to swing up and find them. i’ll eat your ass like a gordon ramsey filet mignon with a little of that sweet and sour spider venom on the side to wash down the kids you'll give me
“Oh my God,” the girl whispered. “Who says that?”
Spider-Man laughed louder, rolling around.
“That is… the worst message I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“You clearly haven’t been on Twitter long enough, then,” Spider-Man chortled.
“All you ever like are hero posts,” she said flatly.
“On my main, but I’ve had my private account since I was twelve, plus my regular civvie account. I’ve seen everything.”
The girl snickered. “I think in this case, better you than me.”
Spider-Man slipped one hand under his mask to wipe his eyes as his giggling slowed. “I mean, the one who said my ass was so fat it made her want to start a family was good and all, but this one is top-tier. It's themed, it's creative. It's detailed. I think it wins.”
He paused, and started laughing again, the girl giggling with him.
The video cut.]
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Hello, New York! As flattered as I am to see all of your affection for everybody’s favorite arachnid, I’m gonna have to ask that it ends here. My DMs are, and always have been a place where anyone can contact me, and it’s sometimes used as a direct line to call me for help. (1/?)
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Lives have been saved because I was able to see a message in time, and with the recent overflow of DMs, I’ve been unable to really sift through and look for the more serious stuff. (2/?)
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
So if you HAVE messaged me about something urgent, and I haven’t responded, I’m so sorry, and I’ll do my best to find it. If it’s an emergency, please send another message. I have some filters set up for certain buzzwords, but they don’t catch everything. (3/?)
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I have links to a lot of different resources and relief shelters in my pinned tweet, so please, use them if you need them! (4/4)
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Also, to anyone concerned about my relationship status, a message:
[I think this is SO funny, and since I started it, I’m not mad at all! But please stop, because it’s starting to bother Spider-Man. Jokes are one thing, but harrassment is another, so I agree that it’s time to end it!]
starry @starry_system
i’m going to miss spidey thirst twt :( but if spidey says stop
nki @ethiaanaart
i knowww i saw so much good material but if i was his girlfriend id be mad too
starry @starry_system
it was him not his girlfriend
nki @ethiaanaart
yeah but like. i dont know if i believe that
starry @starry_system
what do you mean??? thats fact?? he said that?
nki @ethiaanaart
no yeah but no guy is going to seriously say no to free nudes
starry @starry_system
?????? normal ones do??
3,698 replies - 10 retweets - 6,702 likes
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Everyone please stay away from the Diamond District for a few hours! There was a clash with Juggernaut, and several buildings are in very rough shape. They should be stable enough to not fall, but until the DODC officially clears the area, it’s not safe.
bella <3 @jxhnnystorm29
a normal spidey update??? are we back to this now?
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
say it ain’t so, spidey
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
There’s a series of gas leaks erupting in upper Koreatown, so if you can, adjust your route to keep away from the subway lines passing through. I understand everyone can’t, and there’s going to be emergency services on standby just in case, but it’s safer to stay away until the issue has been resolved!
bella <3 @jxhnnystorm29
noooooooo he’s going to back to the updates!!! spidey show us your girlfriend!!
professional spidey defender @starry_system
his personal life isn’t really any of our business :(
(i want to see more videos too)
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Hey everybody! I’ve seen all of your tweets, but the girl from my videos won’t be making a public account of her own. As all of New York knows by now, I like to keep my private life very private, and those clips were things we had a lot of debates over, and decided not to post more of.
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
As I said before, this account is for Spider-Man business, so it will continue to be for citywide alerts and public service. Unfortunately, a secret identity is a secret identity, so for consistent relationship drama and scandals, I’d like to direct you to @officialht!
Johnny @officialht ✔️
oh fuck you webhead
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Love ya buddy
bella <3 @jxhnnystorm29
LMAO SPIDEY
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
spideytorch bff theories real??
Johnny @officialht ✔️
@nycwallcrawler how do your friends deal with you? you’re insane
video:
[Johnny Storm’s face popped into view, a little grainy in the dim light. It was clearly late, and he was outside, looking irritated.
“You know what? I've got a bone to pick with Spider-Man.”
He cleared his throat.
“Spider-Man has had the craziest life I've ever heard. And that’s coming from me. It sucks. Every time I fly out with him on one of his stupid patrols, he'll take somebody home and just be like ‘oh, that super horrible thing that I just saved them from happened to me once. Yeah. Sucked. So burgers?’ and then he won't mention it ever again. It's so annoying.”
He got closer to the camera. “And you know why I can say this without worrying about retaliation? He's getting us burgers. There's my proof. Evil.”
He grumbled something else that wasn’t loud enough to be picked up.
“I’m serious, by the way. I see him today, and I ask him how he’s doing, and he ‘ugh’s at me and says he has to find a new job because his boss tried to kill him again. Again! And obviously I ask him what the hell he’s talking about, and he says ‘I know, right? Four separate bosses is totally a pattern by now’.”
Johnny leaned back and bugged his eyes out at the camera. “Because honestly, what the hell is that supposed to mean?”]
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
You’ve had like one normal job in your whole life. You don’t know what’s weird
Johnny @officialht ✔️
your boss does not try to kill you at a normal job!
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I’m from Queens, it happens
tao @abarofsoap
IT DOES NOT???
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
You can’t possibly be from Queens
tao @abarofsoap
I AM?
a little tea bag @flasrally
replying to @nycwallcrawler
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?-- someone from Greenwich
tao @abarofsoap
i’m from queens and i have never met anyone who was almost killed by their boss?? this is not normal let alone FOUR TIMES
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I’m verified, so whatever I say is law. And with my credibility, I’d like to announce that I am normal and all of you agreeing with @officialht are just living sheltered lives.
spidey is insane | tao @abarofsoap
we are NOT living sheltered just because there haven’t been any attempts on our lives??
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Every one of my friends has been in at least one life or death situation
a little tea bag @flasrally
spidey,,,,, you’re a superhero,, your friends are superheroes,,,
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I’m talking about my civilian friends?
Johnny @officialht ✔️
you’re so stupid. i’m not even going to argue with you
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I’m not crazy!! I stop murders every day! It happens all the time!
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I have been reliably informed that since my teenage years were ‘completely insane and traumatic’, my scale isn’t normal. I still think that Queens is just fun like that
Johnny @officialht ✔️
@nycwallcrawler usual place?
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Meet you there
Johnny @officialht ✔️
i give up
video:
[“--and she was like, ‘people commit suicide for way less than that, and you were only seventeen back then’, which is bullshit! People die all the time, and people betray each other all the time. And you’re full of shit too, Johnny. She’s not from Queens and you’re literally Californian.”
“There were hundreds of people from Queens arguing with you!”
“Those were real estate agents trying to convince people to move there.”
“Hundreds of real estate agents?” Johnny asked, sounding baffled.
“The rest of them were probably a hoax. This is not the first time someone’s made me think I was crazy, Johnny,” Spidey said like it was obvious. “I’m not that stupid anymore.”
Hurt, “You think I’m tricking you? Dude.”
“No, no, not you! Like I said, you’re from California. How many times have you almost died since you moved to the Big Apple? More than you can count, right?”
“I’m a superhero.”
“Well, you don’t really count, I guess,” Spider-Man allowed. “Since you don’t have much of a life that’s not public. But like, okay, my buddy H--”]
sara @newdaynewdawn
oh so spidey is like not okay at all then
a little tea bag @flasrally
is it weird that i feel kind of bad watching the video??? like johnny posted it but it feels private T-T
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
kind of? i mean if johnny posted it, im pretty sure they talked about it first. we’re just used to not knowing anything about spider-man
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
For anyone who hasn’t been alerted, the trainline going through the areas of Koreatown affected by the gas leaks has been closed! For updates, keep up with the @DODC account!
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
lol not spidey tweeting this like the reason for the closure wasn’t him getting punched straight through the train station by rhino
professional spidey defender @starry_system
yeah @nycwallcrawler are you okay??
iron man forever @ironastra
he has superpowers babe. i mean yeah, he got hit, but that happens all the time and he gets up fine.
professional spidey defender @starry_system
but we all literally heard bones snapping on the news??? superpowers or not that has to hurt?
nki @ethiaanaart
he needs to man up about it, it’s not that deep
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
when did he ever complain??
sara @newdaynewdawn
wait lmao isn’t this that weirdo @starry_system put in her place? girl just delete your account at this point, your takes are atrocious
nki @ethiaanaart
how are they atrocious?? you spidey fans are fucking insane. he’s being a pussy
670 replies - 1 retweet - 9 likes
professional spidey defender @starry_system
i’ve been looking through spidey’s account for the last few days, and besides a couple of meetup plans with johnny storm at the “usual place”, the pretty girl video was the actual first time spidey’s ever posted something for like… fun
a little tea bag @flasrally
i would feel bad for him but i was going over his tweets too, and he mentioned that priv that i would KILL to see
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Why did one of my friends just send me a thirst edit of myself. Why are there thirst edits of me. I swing around the city in spandex and punch people
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
No one has even seen my face? How are you people ATTRACTED TO ME???
Johnny @officialht ✔️
the mask is probably part of the appeal
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I guess but I don't get it. Knowing my face is one thing but it's like having a crush on a walking mannequin. You don't know what I look like. I could be sixty with a neckbeard
Johnny @officialht ✔️
you're not
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
But it's not like anyone knows that!!!
herowatch @herowatch2
@officialht does this mean spiderman is hot???
Johnny @officialht ✔️
I mean if you’re asking me….
Johnny @officialht ✔️
spidey just texted me that he's ‘sexy as hell’ and I better admit to it. i’ll lie and agree, for his sake
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
JOHNNY YOU LIAR
taraaaa @munchnshake
i don't know who to believe….
bella <3 @jxhnnystorm29
pretty girl please confirm!!!!!!!
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
imagine spider-man cooking, suddenly stopping the knife to scribble something on a half-wet paper towel before going back to the food. you look at the note later and he’s just solved one of the most famous equations of all time
sara @newdaynewdawn
spidey can cook??
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
girl fuck the cooking, i don’t even speak nerd and i want to know what the equation was
bella <3 @jxhnnystorm29
he’s in his science era fr
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
i wanna know what goes on in his head so bad. the day we get a spidey spam account is the day i die. what does spidey think of monster trucks??
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Uh, I’d have to say pretty much nothing? I think the last time I thought about a monster truck was when I gave away my Hot Wheels when I was six.
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
DOES THIS MEAN WE’RE GETTING A SPAM ACCOUNT???
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
@officialht can provide this with @hotabovetheclouds!
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
can we pretty please at least have a qna??
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
Probably not. Maybe one day.
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
do you like mcdonald’s??
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
? Sometimes, I guess? Every once in a while after a certain kind of patrol I like to pick up a 20-piece. But no particular opinion?
aimee | @searchingforurmum
@sunsetapples girl what are you even saying??? i’m laughing so hard right now poor spidey
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
look, he said no qna. but he’s answering questions anyway, so i’m giving him every question i’ve got
aimee | @searchingforurmum
shit in that case, spidey, who’s your favorite supervillain
Spider-Man @nycwallcrawler ✔️
I see now that I was tricked…
newton’s left tit @sunsetapples
NO DAMMIT
146,907 thread replies