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Suguru learned to be okay with his life—for the most part—but sometimes he really fucking hates it. Hates his technique and his body and is weakness and lately, he most of all hates the fact that he wants to have Satoru around all the time because that only makes the other things worse.
Satoru is in perfect control of his techniques, after everything that happened with Toji and Riko, and he’s not shy to boast about it, too.
Which only makes Suguru feel even more inadequate because he barely has a grasp on his technique and most definitely no control at all, as the spikes showing up in random places on his body are currently proving.
It’s the reason he’s always wearing such baggy clothes; he never knows which features of a curse will show up on him after he swallowed it but like this most of them can be hidden away without anyone around him being any wiser.
And this is where the Satoru problem comes in.
Satoru is handsy and clingy and doesn’t hesitate to hang himself off Suguru every chance he gets. Which is usually fine, Suguru doesn’t mind it at all—likes it maybe a little bit too much—but right now there’s a very real danger that Satoru might try to drape his arm over Suguru’s shoulder and be stung by a goddamn spike for his troubles.
And then he’d find out that Suguru has basically no control over his technique and is basically a walking monster to boot.
“Yo, Suguru!” Satoru calls out, quickly catching up to Suguru and Suguru just knows that he’s going to jump on his back the moment he’s in reach.
He’d welcome that usually—even though he would complain, just to keep pretences up—but the spikes are still shifting over his skin and the curse is churning in his stomach and Suguru cannot let Satoru find out about this.
So he stops and turns around to him, effectively halting Satoru’s momentum.
“What?” he asks, more annoyed than he really wants to be but he’s upset and he feels sick to his stomach and he just wants to go home.
Or pull Satoru close to his side and that is most definitely something he can’t do right now.
His annoyance puts a damper on Satoru’s mood, because he slows down before he comes to a stop almost an arm length away from Suguru and it seems it stole the words right out of Satoru’s mouth, too, because he doesn’t actually say anything.
“Let’s just go home, please,” Suguru finally says when it becomes clear that Satoru is not going to say anything and he pretends he doesn’t see the way Satoru’s face falls at his words.
“Fine,” is Satoru’s lacklustre answer and Suguru feels bad for all of a second, because that is when a spike shows up on his neck, high enough that his uniform doesn’t hide it.
Thankfully it’s not on the side where Satoru is walking but Suguru breaks out into cold sweat anyway.
For some reason the features of the curses don’t usually show up so high on his body; his neck and face are mostly spared and for that Suguru is thankful. It would be hell to hide if things like the spikes would show up regularly where the entire world can see. He’d have to wear a facemask and a blindfold, and unlike Satoru, Suguru couldn’t pull it off.
“Are you—is everything okay? You didn’t get hurt, did you?” Satoru asks when they are about halfway to the subway and Suguru shrugs.
“No, it’s just—the curse,” he vaguely says, unwilling to go deeper into it, but just as unwilling to completely lie to Satoru about this. Satoru at least knows that the curses usually make him sick, because throwing up on a regular basis is really hard to hide, and in moments like this, Suguru is thankful for that because Satoru understands without asking further.
“You want to hang out later? Watch a movie or something?” Satoru asks and Suguru winces.
The curse has been at it for at last half an hour now; experience has shown that it won’t quiet down for at least another hour if it’s already been going that long.
Suguru’s silence must have been too long because Satoru forces a smile on his face.
“Or not, never mind,” he says, trying to sound flippant, as if he doesn’t care at all, but Suguru knows him better than that.
He knows that Satoru cares and he knows that he’s hurting him whenever he brushes him off like this but Suguru can’t help it.
Satoru is going to be so fucking grossed out when he finds out and he probably won’t want to have anything to do with Suguru afterwards. He keeps reiterating that they are the strongest, but Suguru isn’t even strong enough to handle the curses he swallows; surely Satoru will be disappointed on top of everything else after he finds out.
And Suguru is in no rush to have that happen.
“I really don’t feel so good,” Suguru finally says, desperately trying for a compromise, anything to wipe that fake look off Satoru’s face. “Can I decide when we’re back at the school?”
The train ride should give him at least another forty minutes. If he can also manage to talk Satoru into taking a shower when they arrive, he should be safe.
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Satoru mutters and despite everything Suguru leans in, quickly, to press their shoulders together.
“I’m sorry,” he softly says and Satoru deflates.
“I know, I know, I shouldn’t always be so pushy after a mission,” Satoru gives back and flashes Suguru a quick smile, a real one this time. “But it just—ending a day like this alone in my room sucks. I’d rather have you around.”
It warms Suguru from head to toe to hear that and he is about to lean in again when spikes break out almost all over his body.
He rocks back on his feet, praying to all the deities he knows that nothing is visible through his clothes, but of course Satoru noticed the aborted movement and a frown mars his perfect face again.
And Suguru hates himself for putting it there in the first place.
~*~*~
Suguru weighs the orb in his hand carefully. He dreads swallowing it, even though the abilities of that curse will be useful in the future. But the immediate aftermath of him absorbing the curse is going to be a whole fucking nightmare.
The curse practically only consisted of maws and Suguru doesn’t need to be a genius to know that they will show up all over his body.
He shudders just thinking about it, and he wonders if he’ll ever get used to the feeling of not being completely in control of his body, of not being able to keep his form stable.
It freaks him out more than he likes to admit and showering after a mission is sometimes so upsetting to him that he throws up, without any aid of the curse settling in his stomach.
“You gonna eat that?” Satoru carelessly asks with a nod to the orb still in Suguru’s hand and a flash of anger goes through Suguru, hot and white and entirely unfair.
It’s not Satoru’s fault Suguru’s technique fucks with him so much. And it’s definitely not his fault that Suguru keeps this particular part of his technique a secret.
“Don’t feel like it right now,” Suguru gives back, pocketing the curse for later, but Satoru must have noticed that something is off because he gives Suguru an apologetic smile.
“Wanna catch up on that show we were watching?” he asks, shuffling his feet and Suguru opens his mouth to say yes, because he does want to do that, but the orb in his pocket feels as if its burning straight through the fabric.
Suguru knows that he’s not going to be able to concentrate on anything before he gets this over with but that also means that he needs to stay locked up in his room for at least the next two hours.
“Not today,” he gives back, trying to sound not as snappish as he feels but when Satoru works his jaw, he knows that he failed.
“Yeah, right, because you never do feel like doing stuff with me anymore,” Satoru snaps at him and Suguru would love to argue that point but the thing is—Satoru is right.
They are being sent almost exclusively on grade one or even special grade missions and those curses are so much harder to assimilate. The side effects of his technique last maybe ten to fifteen minutes with lower grade curses but the stronger they are, the longer they are warping Suguru’s body into something that isn’t his anymore.
And that also means he has to find more and more excuses for Satoru.
“That’s not true,” Suguru tries to argue, because he would love to spend the rest of the day with Satoru, curled up on his stupidly comfortable couch and trash talk whatever is on the TV but he can’t do that.
Not today.
Probably never again right after a mission and just the thought makes Suguru’s eyes burn.
“Right. I see how eager you are to get away from me, Suguru, there’s no need to lie about it. Fuck, if you don’t want me around, just tell me to fuck off, it would be easier than this—this stupid limbo where I always hope you’re going to say yes.”
Satoru is breathing hard by the end of his little tirade and he’s just as angry as he’s hurt, Suguru knows him well enough to be able to tell that, but there is nothing he can say in his defence.
He does want to spend time with Satoru, but he can’t say that without having to explain why he sometimes can’t. So in the end, he stays quiet.
“Can’t even tell me that, huh?” Satoru eventually mutters, and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I get it, Suguru, no need to pretend anymore. I’ll just—not be around anymore, I guess,” he dejectedly says, and walks away without giving Suguru a chance to reply.
He can do nothing but watch Satoru walk away, his shoulders drawn up so they almost touch his ears and he looked so upset that it breaks Suguru’s heart.
Suguru opens his mouth to call after him but closes it when he realises he doesn’t even know what to say.
It’s not until Suguru is safely back in his own room, the orb still in his hand, when he realises that he’s losing Satoru. He’s losing him without ever having told him the truth about his technique and this is what Suguru is afraid of, isn’t it? Losing Satoru.
But instead of losing him because Satoru thinks of him as weak or disgusting, he’s losing him because he’s being distant and evasive and that might even be worse.
Suguru never meant to push Satoru away like that, never meant to make Satoru turn away from him but it’s happening anyway.
And if it’s happening anyway, maybe it’s time he comes clean about his technique and his loss of control.
Mind made up, he walks over to Satoru’s room, but even though he’s resolved to do this now, he can’t help the shaking of his hands. He just hopes Satoru won’t notice.
He knocks and almost thinks Satoru isn’t there, that’s how long it takes him to come to the door.
“What?” Satoru bites out when he spots Suguru and Suguru’s heart falls when he sees how red-rimmed Satoru’s eyes are.
“Did you cry?” he blurts out, because he has never seen Satoru cry before and Suguru knows he made a mistake the moment Satoru’s face closes off.
“Get fucking lost,” Satoru hisses but when he’s about to slam the door shut, Suguru pushes his foot in.
“I want to show you something,” he says. “Please.”
“What the hell do you want to show me? How much you dislike my presence?” Satoru gives back, and he wants to sound angry, Suguru knows that, but it comes out shaky.
Suguru hates that he’s the cause of all of this.
“It has nothing to do with you,” Suguru whispers out and fights the urge to reach out to touch Satoru. It surely wouldn’t be welcome right now. “It’s all me. And after this—you might not want anything to do with me, anyway.”
That makes Satoru frown at him.
“Well, now I’m curious, so you better make it good,” Satoru finally says and opens the door again, much to Suguru’s relief.
It’s only short lived though, because now he has to go through with it. This is it. And it might still break whatever he has with Satoru.
“Can I—?” he motions towards Satoru’s room and after hesitating briefly, Satoru steps aside to let Suguru in.
“So, what is this mystery thing you want to show me?” Satoru asks once Suguru is inside his room and the door locked behind them again.
“I—” Suguru falters, because he didn’t really think this through, didn’t prepare how to break this to Satoru at all and now he’s at a loss. “It’s—”
The orb is still heavy in his pocket and Satoru is getting angrier by the second, Suguru can tell, so he needs to say something fast.
“I can’t control my technique,” is what he finally blurts out and then winces when Satoru narrows his eyes at him.
“So now you’re going to lie to me?” Satoru bites out and Suguru lets out a harsh breath.
“I’m not, it’s just—controlling the curses is just one part, right? When I absorb them, I don’t have any. Control, I mean. And they—” Suguru has never told anyone about this and he finds that it’s much harder than he feared it would be.
“They what?” Satoru finally prompts him and Suguru deflates where he stands.
“They change me. Temporarily, but still.”
“Change you how?” Satoru demands to know and he’s getting impatient, Suguru knows.
“It’s best I show you,” Suguru says, voice shaky. “And—I need to take off my shirt for that.”
“Right,” Satoru says, and his tone alone lets Suguru know just how much he doesn’t believe him.
Suguru doesn’t waste any more time though, he slips out of his shirt and then unceremoniously swallows the curse before he can change his mind again.
“And now what?” Satoru asks after a few seconds and Suguru is just about to tell him to fucking wait for a hot second when the first maw manifests on his stomach.
“And now this,” Suguru faintly says, and just the sight of the maw on his body, where none should be, is enough to make him want to crawl out of his own skin.
He hates this so much, hates how this makes him feel like a stranger in his own body, how it disconnects him in ways that shouldn’t be and he looks towards the ceiling when a second maw shows up, unable to stomach the sight anymore.
“Oh,” Satoru breathes out, and he takes a wary step back.
Suguru feels like crying. Of course Satoru would be disgusted.
“Are you turning into a curse?” Satoru warily asks, and Suguru notices the nervous flick of his fingers, as if he wants to form the finger sign for red and Suguru goes cold.
Satoru wanting to kill him for this hadn’t even factored into his fear but he realises now that that might have been stupid.
“No,” he still forces himself to say. “It’s just—it’ll be like this for an hour or so. The most prominent features of a curse will show up on me like that for a while after I ingest them, before they settle down. It’s not—I’m still me. Mostly,” he adds with a wince and Satoru relaxes.
“Does it hurt?” is the next thing he asks and Suguru mutely shakes his head.
He feels it, sure, but it doesn’t hurt; it’s barely even noticeable at all.
“Okay, then—what? Why were you so cagey about this?” Satoru asks and Suguru glares at him.
“This is—disgusting, Satoru, and creepy and all kinds of wrong. Why the hell would I want you to know about this?”
“It’s completely involuntary?” Satoru asks, finally stepping closer again. “Are they going to bite me if I touch them?”
“What?” Suguru incredulously asks because those words cannot have come out of Satoru’s mouth right now. “Why the hell would you want to touch them?”
“I don’t know. Can I though?” He looks at Suguru with a hopeful expression and in face of that much curiosity, Suguru can do nothing but nod.
Satoru carefully touches his fingers to a maw high on Suguru’s chest and he only gets bolder when it doesn’t move at all.
“So it’s just—the feature. You can’t do anything with it.”
“I’m not the one doing it, so of course not.”
“But can you?”
“Huh?”
“Can you make those features appear even after they have settled?” Satoru wants to know and Suguru blinks at him.
“Why the hell would I want to do that?”
“Well, I mean, these maws might not be helpful but if you can manifest a spike when a curse is trying to hit you, that might be good during a fight. But mostly—” he falls silent, biting at his lower lip in contemplation and Suguru grinds his teeth together.
“What, Satoru?”
“The curse last week, the one with the flowers,” Satoru slowly starts. “Could you like—make them appear in your hair? Like a flower crown?”
“What for?” Suguru wants to know because surely, that doesn’t have any kind of practical use.
Satoru shrugs.
“It would be pretty?”
“It would be—what?”
“Pretty,” Satoru repeats. “This curse, the one with the maws. It was such a vibrant purple. Can you make that your hair colour?” he wants to know and Suguru flinches.
“Don’t say that,” he bites out, because it’s hitting somewhere that hurts him, still, after all these years, but Satoru doesn’t seem to catch on.
“Then it would match your eyes, you know. They are such a nice purple, too.”
“Don’t talk about my eyes,” Suguru hisses out and turns away from Satoru, trying to hide his eyes, even though Satoru very well know what they look like.
“Suguru?” Satoru unsurely asks and he carefully places a hand on Suguru’s shoulder.
There’s a beat of silence before Satoru speaks again.
“Purple is not your eye colour,” he finally says and Suguru flinches again.
“It’s not,” he forces himself to say. “It’s—the first curse I ever swallowed had eyes like that. I never managed to change it back and now—I don’t remember what it was before.”
“I see,” Satoru whispers out and drapes himself over Suguru’s back, despite the fact that there’s at least one maw on there at the moment. “I’m sorry. For suggesting something like that at all.”
“I just don’t—why would you even say something like that. It’s disgusting.”
“The maws might not be pretty,” Satoru agrees but feathers his fingers over the one on Suguru’s chest despite his words. “But not all aspects of all curses are ugly. Remember that snake you wanted for it’s venom? It had such pretty, iridescent scales. They were glittering so much. I just think it would look amazing if you could dot them along your throat,” Satoru admits, trailing a finger over Suguru’s skin there.
“And I understand why you’re upset about your eyes but they really are pretty,” he then adds, much more quiet and Suguru slumps against him.
“You don’t mind?” he wants to know and he means the maws and his eyes and his inability to control any of it.
He just hopes Satoru understands.
“I don’t mind at all,” Satoru gives back and noses at Suguru’s cheek. “Is this—you were kind of giving me mixed signals for a while there,” Satoru whispers against his skin. “Is this okay?”
“I was afraid you’d turn away from me for this,” Suguru admits and leans into the contact. “I told you today, because you were turning away from me, just not for what I feared.”
Satoru hums at that.
“Should have blown up in your face sooner then,” he gives back and kisses Suguru’s cheek. “I like you, Suguru. I’m in love with you. Maws and all,” he cheekily adds and it’s enough to make Suguru laugh.
“I’m in love with you, too. Annoying brattiness included.”
“Hey,” Satoru complaints but still presses a kiss to Suguru’s cheek.
Or at least he means to when a maw shows up right there and Satoru rears back.
“No offense, but I don’t think I want to kiss that. Who knows where that has been.”
Satoru’s reaction still sent a thread of trepidation through Suguru but he forces it down. Satoru clearly doesn’t seem to mind too much and it’s more than valid to not want to kiss a curse maw. And besides—it gives Suguru an opening.
“Maybe it’s time you move on from my cheek then,” he says and turns around in Satoru’s arms, so their noses brush together.
“Maybe it is,” Satoru agrees and leans in the last bit, to finally claim Suguru’s lips in his.
It’s good; better than anything Suguru ever dared to daydream about and he never wants to stop. When Satoru moves back, he makes an unhappy noise in the back of his throat.
“So about those flowers,” Satoru asks, carding his fingers through Suguru’s hair and undoing his bun in the process. “Think you can do it?”
Suguru sighs out and tips his forehead against Satoru’s.
“Can I just—this wasn’t easy, today, Satoru. Gimme a day and we can figure out what I can and can’t do, alright? Today I don’t really feel like it.”
“Fair,” Satoru immediately agrees and kisses Suguru again. “As long as you feel like doing this, it’s fine.”
Suguru would love to tell him just how much he’s feeling this, but he thinks showing Satoru might work just as well.
(He does figure out how to make flowers grow in his hair, how to make it purple and green and blue, almost like Satoru’s eyes, how to make glittering black scales show up dotted over his skin, encouraged by the way Satoru kisses love and pride and happiness into his skin whenever he manages to do it. It’s a good incentive to learn to wield his technique more effectively. And it helps for the admiring looks he gets from Satoru as well.)