Work Text:
They could barely feel anymore.
Nothing they did helped. Their only solace was the periods of time without that SOUL, and even then, the only emotion they felt was a consuming rebellion and determination. Aside from the agony.
And perhaps that was just how things worked. The SOUL is the source of most emotions, aside from raw instinct—fear, or need, or pain—and right now, their SOUL wasn't theirs.
Oh, but whatever it was that was in control... That could feel.
And feel it did. Sometimes not the best emotions—it seemed to be pretty depressed most of the time—but almost anything that would happen sparked a reaction. Often feelings of giddiness, oddly enough, and a lot of them aimed at Kris. Some irritation and annoyance, small and large. Concern, on occasion. Acceptance on others. Fondness, affection, love towards Susie and Noelle, and suspicion and bitterness toward Ralsei. Nice to know they're on the same page with all of them, or at least they think they are. A sort of begrudging endearment toward Berdly, for some reason. Curiosity from every corner, and a sort of scheming energy behind it. Guilt. Lots of guilt.
And they hated it, and they craved it.
The all-consuming numbness ebbed away when the SOUL felt things. They found themself chasing it, grasping at straws. Even the anger, and the despair, and the suffocating loneliness at times, anything to inspire any semblance of attatchment to the world. They drift endlessly in their mind, the dread their anchor.
One time around, the SOUL had appeared with a crushing sadness, a grief. It barely even did anything that day, a lot of staring into nothingness and locked knees.
And how they loved it.
They soaked in the anguish and misery, bathing in the feeling. It nourished them. Nothing had ever felt quite so real.
One day, it brought them and Susie to the beach. They could only assume it wanted to talk to Onion, but it had skipped all that this rotation, so nobody came. When Susie sat with them, the SOUL had them get up, before reconsidering. The regret came back, and they scrambled to embrace the feeling as it sat them back down.
They'd sat there for about six and a half hours with Susie. A good portion with the SOUL absent, but with periods of adoration and that guilt returning. Oh, they devoured it with fervor. Toward the end, the SOUL had stayed for forty minutes or so, the feelings swelling to an almost unbearable degree. That regret.
They craved it all. Anything. Everything. They needed it.
So much so that they didn't want the SOUL out anymore.
They look down at the sink in front of them, ready to do things all over again. But the tiredness and apathy hint at them, and they don't want to let the feelings go. So they hesitate.
And the hope...
It came crashing down on them, and they stumble onto the floor. Their strings were slack, but the SOUL was still present, and so they had the emotion without the control. They scrabble for a grip on the tile floor, eventually finding the shower curtains, and they clench their fists around it desperately.
The joy.
Ecstacy.
They're crying, unsurprisingly. Their breaths heave in their lungs, and they're trembling from head to toe. It's everything, it's all they are, it's their very being. It's love and fondness and relief and excitement and it's joy and—they can't think. It envelops them. They might be hyperventilating, and their head is foggy, but it's all worth it, it's so worth it. They need it. They need more, they need so much that they dissolve into nothing in comparison to the feeling pouring out of the SOUL.
And then it's gone.
Replaced by worry and concern.
They sob.
They want it back. They need it back. Nothing can compare to the nirvana they just experienced.
"Please," they rasp.
Confusion. They wrap their arms around themself in an attempt to capture the sensation.
"...please, I j.... bring it back," they breathe.
Perhaps it misinterperets what they meant, for their control fades and their strings tauten. But that concern remains, and they can't help but greedily drink it up.
And the traces of that hope are their lifeblood.