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It's hard, holding everything together now that Kristen is gone. Hard to make it through the day, every day, without remembering it all. Without the urge to break down and weep washing over her. She doesn't, of course, but the urge is always there. Sometimes it feels so enticing.
It makes Saria feel weak. She should be better than this, should have more control over her emotions. Should have already come to terms with losing Kristen. After all, it happened long before their encounter aboard the Galleria Stellaria. These admonishments do little to help, unfortunately.
She does her best to fulfil her new duties, stepping into the shoes of Rhine Lab’s Control, hoping to lose herself in work, and yet that only makes it worse. That office, the whole building even, it all contains too many memories. Every time she sits down all she can think of is late nights spent by Kristen's side, the two of them discussing strategies for their fledgling company. Every time she walks down the halls, she's reminded of early mornings delivering coffee to her before work really began. Every visit to the labs reminds her of seeing Ifrit strapped down to a table, screaming in pain, and of Kristen telling her that the experiments would continue. It's all just too much.
It's Silence that suggests she take some time off. Not long, just enough to recover a little and sort herself out. Of course, her work is important and this is a delicate time for Rhine, she can't truly just take a vacation, but the prospect of getting away from this place is a welcome one. So, she makes a trip to the Rhodes Island landship.
It's currently stopped by close to Trimounts, near enough that she'll be able to handle her responsibilities remotely, while still getting something of a change of scenery. It is not, however, completely devoid of reminders.
She sees Muelsyse from a distance one day, in the midst of conversing with a Rhodes operator in one of the on board gardens. Saria had been planning to take a walk through it, yet at that sight she turns on her heel and leaves briskly. She doesn't know why. Or she does, but she doesn't want to admit it.
She's scared. Just like she was scared back at Rhine. Scared of the way she feels, of the grief she can't even begin to confront. She should talk to Muelsyse. She probably needs to talk to Muelsyse. But she just can't. Her memories, their relationship, it's all so inextricably tied to Kristen. It's all still so raw. Once again she feels weak and cowardly.
It's only when she stops to force herself to breathe that she realises she's walked to an unfamiliar part of the landship. One of the trading posts, it looks like, where some operators work in between field missions. They must be on break now, however, as the room is empty.
Right as she finishes collecting herself and begins to think about how she can get back to the dorms from here, the door to the room slides open. An apology is on her lips as she turns to face it, expecting to see whomever is currently working, but her throat goes dry before she can speak.
Muelsyse stands there, smiling tentatively, hands clasped behind her back.
“Hi, Saria.”
Her heart thunders, and it's a struggle just to force out a simple, “Hello, Muelsyse.”
“I've… been wanting to talk to you, for a bit now, though I get the impression you might be avoiding me?”
No. Yes. She isn't sure. Not consciously, until just now of course, but in the end she has been all the same. She's been hiding.
Even without voicing that, something in her expression must give her answer away. Muelsyse's shoulders droop just a fraction. “Ah.”
“Sorry-” she starts, only to be cut off.
“No, no, I understand. This has been hard for me, I know it must be just as bad for you.”
“I think I just need more time.”
“Of course.” Muelsyse's smile is wide, and Saria wishes she was better at peering beneath that mask and understanding how the other woman truly felt. “Just, when you're ready, I'll be here for you, okay?”
Saria nods, and with another smile Muelsyse turns to leave, only to stop in the doorway. She stands there silently as several seconds tick by, until just as Saria thinks to say something, she speaks again.
“Before I go… I just want you to know that I'm sorry.” She sounds so… frail all of a sudden.
“What for?”
“If I didn’t fight you back then, maybe… maybe together we could’ve brought her back.”
Ah. Saria stares at the ground. This is one of the things she's been trying not to think about. “Maybe. Somehow, though, I don’t think anything could have stopped her at that point. I don’t know.” Her shoulders fall. She isn’t sure that she believes what she’s saying. It’s what she’s been telling herself, and yet how could it be true? Surely something could’ve been done. Surely she could’ve been better, or faster, or smarter. Surely there could’ve been less obstacles in her way. “I don’t blame you for anything. I just need space.”
“Yeah… Goodbye, Saria.”
~~~
More days flow by. She tries to find ways to occupy herself, training with Rhodes Island operators, working out, handling her duties for Rhine. It helps, a little, but not much. She’s hurting, and she hates herself for it. How can she long for someone who did such horrible things? She shouldn't, but she does. Does that make her just as bad?
~~~
She remembers a night, years and years ago. Back before everything went so wrong. She and Kristen are dancing in their apartment, slowly swaying, holding one another close. Not a care in the world. The moment stretches on and on, until at last the soft jazzy tones of the song begin to fade and Kristen leans in closer, lips brushing against her ear, murmuring conspiratorially.
“She's practically falling asleep, I told you we should've picked a more exciting song.”
Saria looks over to their couch, where Muelsyse is lounging, curled up against several cushions that she's collected over the course of the night. She clearly heard what Kristen said, and is pouting up at the two of them.
“Am not-” she starts, only to be interrupted by a big yawn. “Ah, well,” she's smiling sheepishly now, “I guess I am, but not because of you two! It's just late.”
That prompts Saria to look at her watch. She's startled by just how badly they must have lost track of time, just the three of them talking, dancing, and drinking. Together. When she looks back up, Muelsyse is unsteadily pushing herself up to her feet, while saying something about how she should probably be getting home. A bolt of alarm shoots through Saria's body.
“Wait,” the alcohol, significantly more than she would usually drink, has made her thoughts sluggish, and it takes a moment for her mind to catch up to her tongue. “You… you shouldn't be driving.” It's true, of course, Muelsyse must be just as tired and drunk as her. Beyond that, though, she knows she just doesn't want her to leave. It makes her happy when all three of them are together.
This is something she would likely never admit, even just to herself, without the aid of drink. Even under the influence she doesn't dare to actually voice the thought out loud. Just thinking it makes her feel… strange, somehow. Vulnerable.
“Saria's right,” Kristen always seems so perfectly in control, even though she must have drunk at least as much as they had. She glides over to Muelsyse's side, gently pushing her back down to the couch before she can lose her footing. “You should stay here for the night.”
Muelsyse glances between the two of them, before laughing sheepishly. It sounds almost musical. “That's probably a good idea. I do have pretty high standards for my beauty sleep, though,” she flashes a sparkling grin, “we'll just have to see how well your couch can meet them.”
Once again, Saria speaks before thinking. “You can sleep in our bed, then.”
They both look at her, equally surprised. And then, Kristen starts to laugh. “Well, we do have plenty of room. I'm okay with it if you both are.”
Muelsyse's cheeks are rosy as she nods and moves to stand again. Saria interrupts her however, stepping close and slipping one arm under her legs and the other behind her back, hefting her up to carry her into the bedroom. She was having trouble staying on her feet before, after all, clearly she could use the help. A small eep of surprise escapes her lips at that, cheeks growing a deeper shade of red as she hesitantly leans against Saria's chest. She's very soft and warm. Behind them, Kristen laughs more, and then follows.
It's only halfway to their destination that Saria really processes what she's doing, what she offered to Muelsyse. Her cheeks grow uncharacteristically hot as embarrassment surges. But all the same, she's committed, and so she sees it through, carefully setting Muelsyse down on the bed and then settling down in turn. Kristen joins them right after, laying in the middle of the two of them, and pulling them both close.
The embrace is tender and comforting, and makes Saria grow conscious of just how tired she really is. Her eyes fall shut as a wave of fatigue washes over her, and with little warning she sinks into the inky blackness of sleep. She doesn't know what she dreams about that night.
When she wakes the next morning, she finds herself curled up against Kristen’s side, with Muelsyse opposite her in the exact same position, except with a hand stretching over to gently clutch her own. It surprises her at first when she realises that she’s smiling at the sight, but on reflection, of course she is. This feels right, doesn’t it? The three of them together, warm and safe. Happy.
She knows that she should get up and start the day, yet instead ends up staying there, keeping still as she can in an effort to avoid waking either of them. The temptation of lingering in this moment a little longer is too much.
~~~
She feels like a wreck the next morning. It's a struggle to get out of bed, though when she finally does she's surprised by something she finds waiting for her. A blinking notification on her PDA, informing her that Doctor Kal'tsit has scheduled a meeting with her later that day.
There were only a few things it could be about, none of which she would be looking forward to. The slightly more preferable option was that it would be something business related, a deepening of the partnership between Rhodes Island and Rhine Labs, some sort of transaction whether it be of staff, research, or materials. She was hardly in the mood for it, but at least it would be easy enough on her.
More likely though, it would be something relating to the recent incident. But then, what more was there to say? She'd already provided them with everything she knew, and all of Kristen's data that she'd been able to access. But, of course, there was always more to dredge up.
The only curious thing about the meeting was that it was listed as a private, one-on-one between her and Kal'tsit. Normally she would expect other members of Rhodes Island's leadership to be present, and maybe even a representative of the Maylander Foundation for good measure. But no, just the two of them. Whatever the reason was, she couldn't divine it.
Regardless, she confirms the appointment, cleans herself up as best she can manage, and makes her way down to the landship’s medical wing at the appointed time. Kal’tsit is waiting inside her office, focused enough on whatever she’s working on that she only barely acknowledges Saria’s entrance with a small nod.
It takes some time for her to wrap up her work, while Saria sits and waits as patiently as she can manage. Finally, Kal'tsit lets out a small sigh, then flicks the screen of her terminal off and turns to address her.
“Thank you for taking the time to come see me.”
“It's fine,” Saria replies automatically, ignoring the way her stomach coils uncomfortably. She wants this to be over already.
Kal'tsit simply stares at her for for a few seconds, almost as if studying her. Then, she slowly speaks. “I've noticed that you've been struggling recently.”
“I…” Saria blinks slowly. This was not how she expected the conversation to begin.
“I apologise if that was too forward. It's just… I understand something of what you're going through, and my impression of you is that you are, in many ways, similar to myself. So, I wanted to share some advice.”
“This isn't a business meeting, then?”
“No.” Kal'tsit confirmed simply. “If you'd prefer to leave, you can, but I would appreciate it if you listen to what I have to say.”
A frown creeps onto her face. “I appreciate your concern, but I doubt there's anything you could say that would help.”
Once again, Kal’tsit stares at her blankly. “Well, if that's the case then you can simply disregard what I say, and there’ll be no harm done.” She pauses briefly, perhaps waiting to see if Saria will speak up again. When no response comes, she continues on, her voice even and measured. “A handful of years ago now, I was in love. I've spent a long time alone, and I've always found it a struggle to open myself up to others. Something about her, though, overcame all of my walls. She found her way into my heart in a way no one else ever had. And then she was killed.”
The frank story surprises Saria. To be honest, she doesn't know Kal'tsit particularly well, but from the little she had gleaned she wouldn't have expected this. Then again, people who only knew her from a distance would probably feel much the same way if they learnt about her relationship with Kristen. She supposes this was what Kal'tsit meant about them being similar.
“It hurt me in a way I didn't think I could hurt, left me raw and vulnerable and so, so lonely. And so I tried to retreat back into my shell, to hide from it. I'd been alone for so long, after all, surely I could handle being alone again, surely that was what was best for me. And yet, the pain only grew. This is, I believe, what you are doing now.”
Everything Kal'tsit says rings uncomfortably true with Saria, yet some part of her still feels the reflexive urge to deny that final accusation. She can't, though. It'd just be lying to herself, and after having the truth thrust into her face like this, she doesn't think that she can manage that anymore. Not to mention, for some reason she feels certain that Kal'tsit would instantly see through any excuse she could muster.
As these thoughts pass through her head, she suddenly realises that she's begun clenching her fist painfully tight, her blunt nails leaving angry marks on her skin. It takes several moments to force herself to relax, to calm down, steadying her breathing and controlling her heartrate. All the while Kal'tsit silently watches her, seemingly entirely unphased.
That silence stretches on uncomfortably, until at last Saria feels forced to speak. “Well, what would you suggest, then?”
“You can't hide from your pain, you need to find a way to confront it, and through that the strength to keep moving forward. And on a similar note, you shouldn't hide from those close to you. Kristen was important to you, and her loss is a deep wound. But there are still people who care for you, and that you care for in turn. Don't make the mistake of pushing them away, and losing them too.”
The words make Saria feel vulnerable, and somewhere along the way she finds herself no longer able to make eye contact. Her thoughts drift back to Muelsyse, their brief encounter aboard the landship. She must be hurting too, mustn't she?
“I apologise again if this conversation is difficult. But, I find there is value in being straightforward in these kinds of circumstances.”
“It's fine.” And it was. This wasn't exactly easy, but she felt like it was something she had needed to be told. “But… you're saying I need to confront my pain, but should I even be feeling pain over losing her?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know what she did, the people she hurt. Isn't it wrong to feel this way for someone like that? She doesn't deserve my grief.”
“Ah,” Kal'tsit leans back in her chair, taking a moment to think. “It's exceedingly rare for the ways we feel towards others to be simple enough to capture in a single word. It's okay for you to hate the things she did, but still love who she was, to still long for what you used to have, and to think fondly on those memories. You can't just stop those feelings, and if you try all you'll end up doing is hating yourself for failing.”
It's okay. Those two words rattle around her brain, bouncing off all of the conflicting feelings that have been tormenting her. She isn't sure she fully believes it, can fully accept it, and yet just being told that helps, somehow. “You sound like you're speaking from experience again.”
For once, Kal'tsit's neutral expression is replaced by a small smile. “Trust me when I say that any mistake you can make, I've made it already, many times over.”
~~~
It still ends up taking a couple of days for her to build up the courage to speak to Muelsyse. Kal’tsit was right though, She can’t hide forever. Or at least, she shouldn’t. She doesn’t want to. Not only for her own sake, but also for Muelsyse’s.
When she sends a message over Rhodes Island’s local network, asking if the two of them could meet, she receives an answer almost immediately. That’s good, she doesn’t know how well she could have handled anxiously waiting for a response. Even better, not only is the answer a yes, but a “Does right now work?”
Soon she’s up on Rhodes Island’s main deck, the place Muelsyse invited her to, waiting. The landship is stationary right now, and so all is quiet and still. Even the wind barely seems to be blowing. In its own way, this just makes Saria more anxious as she waits. As the minutes tick by, she becomes increasingly desperate for something, anything, to happen.
Then, mercifully, Muelsyse arrives, smiling and waving to her as she walks closer. Saria raises her own hand to wave back just a few seconds too late for it not to seem awkward.
“Hi.”
“Hello.”
It’s a struggle to find the words to continue. She even rehearsed things to say beforehand, but now in the moment, with Muelsyse standing in front of her, her mind is blank. Or rather the opposite, there’s just too much, she doesn’t know where to start, anything that she could say just feels so woefully inadequate.
“Saria,” Muelsyse’s voice cuts through the noise. “It’s a nice view, isn’t it?”
The question makes her look up and over the edge of the landship, where rolling grass hills extend off into the horizon, while a bright blue sky hangs overhead. “It is,” she confirms, though in truth she doesn’t feel particularly strongly about it one way or the other. When she looks back, Muelsyse has moved over to lean against a railing at the edge of the landship’s deck, meeting her gaze with a smile that even she can tell is forced.
“Why did you want to meet?”
Saria swallows in a vain attempt to stop her mouth feeling so painfully dry, then moves over to stand at Muelsyse’s side. “I wanted to finally talk with you, about everything. About Kristen. And I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”
“What do you have to be sorry for?” Muelsyse’s voice is all of a sudden strained, barely above a whisper.
“I worry that I've been selfish and… unfair, in avoiding you. Kristen was dear to you as well. And you're also dear to me. But I pushed you away, and made this all worse for the both of us.”
“Saria.” Muelsyse sounds surprised. Then, all of a sudden she's hugging her. It’s a little funny that it’s only at this moment that she becomes fully aware of just how badly she’s wanted to be held. “I… thank you, and please don’t beat yourself up over that. None of this is easy, no one is expecting you to make all the best decisions when you're dealing with something like this.”
A little hesitantly, she wraps her own arms around Muelsyse in turn. “I know, just… I'm sorry it took so long for me to properly talk to you. I should've been there for you sooner. Should've let you be there for me.”
“It's okay.” Muelsyse squeezes her a little harder, before slowly pulling back, looking up at her softly. “So long as you’re here now.”
Is that enough? She wishes she was better at… all of this. Even now, she wishes she knew how to even start addressing everything that hangs over the two of them. Ultimately, all she can think to say is, “How have you been?”
“I’ve… been holding it together.” Muelsyse moves back to the railing, looking out into the distance once again. She stares for a moment, and then her shoulders fall. “It’s still so hard to believe she’s gone. I keep catching myself thinking that I should call her, tell her about some new finding. And then I just feel so lonely.”
Saria nods. She can’t say she’s had the same experience, yet she understands all the same.
“You know, it made me happy to hear you say that I'm important to you. I care about you a lot, but sometimes it's hard to tell how you feel. And… in her own way, it was even harder to tell how Kristen felt. I thought I understood her, but… maybe not as well as I thought I did.”
“I'm sorry. I've never been good at sorting through my own feelings, and at communicating them to others. Kristen has always been my first concern, but whenever I think back… the best times were always when you were there with us.” She pauses, struggling to find the best way to phrase what she wants to say next. “I’m sure she felt the same way. Even at the very end, I truly believe that she pushed you away because she wanted to save you, even if it was from herself.”
“Yeah,” Muelsyse is quiet, and Saria can’t tell if she’s said something wrong. Hesitantly, she wraps an arm around her, and after a moment’s stillness Muelsyse leans into her. They’re both quiet, for a while, after that, until finally, “Do you ever wish you’d done things differently?” Before Saria can answer, though, she continues, “Sorry, that’s a silly question, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s…” It’s something that had been on her mind, even before all of this. “Before… Kristen left, I spoke with Olivia. I told her that if I could go back, back to before Rhine, I would still stand by Kristen’s side, still found the company.” Her tongue feels thick, and she exerts a great deal of willpower attempting to not linger on any memories. That’s a fool’s errand, of course, but she tries. “This company… no, more than that, the time we spent together building it, you, her, and I. The memories and dreams we shared. It's all so important to me. I don't think I could ever bear to give it up. But, of course, I wish it all could have ended differently. If I had been better, been more aware of what was happening to Kristen, if I had done more to support you both-”
“Saria. I understand how you feel, y'know? I've spent… too long agonising over my choices, my mistakes. I thought I could somehow hold it all together, but in the end I just made sure it fell apart.” Muelsyse presses into her more, hugs her once again. This time, Saria can feel tears soak into her clothes. “But we can’t change what we’ve done, and we can’t change what she chose.” She sounds as if she’s trying to convince herself, but of course Saria is familiar with that.
It’s a surprise, a moment later, when she notices the feeling of tears of her own trailing down her cheeks. She can’t remember the last time she cried. The last time she allowed herself to. “No, but I can be better now. I…” don’t want to let go of you, won’t push you away again, won’t fail you. “Promise that I’ll stay by your side, if you’ll let me.”
Muelsyse lets out a short laugh, looking up at Saria with tears still prickling the corners of her eyes. “You can be such a dummy sometimes. As if I’d say no.”
They're both quiet after that, for a long while. It's peaceful and soft in Muelsyse's arms. Saria had missed this feeling.
"Hey," Muelsyse's voice is gentle when she next speaks, "Why don't we head down to the dining area, grab something to eat and some wine, then go back to my room and just… talk, let the feelings flow?"
Saria nods, and Muelsyse smiles.