Not All Steps are Forward Even After All This Time

by MountainFree

Summary:

Will had a hard day and slipped into a bad habit. How will Will and Nico handle it?

Or

Will's drug problem & self-harm have come back to haunt him. He isn't the only one with a bad coping mechanism trying to get through. Join Will, Nico, Jason, & Percy as they try to navigate the fallout from their individual traumatic pasts.

Notes:

• Inspired by Talking of Michelangelo by athaleablaire

Not everything will make sense if you don’t read part one of the series, but you can certainly read this story by it's self.

Chapter 1: I Won’t Let You Help Me

Notes:

If you want to skip the first part and want to know what the deal is with the bracelet. It was given to Will by Apollo as a way for others to be able to tell he needs help or he has done something to himself without invading his privacy too much. The colors are as follows:

Gold: All is well
Red: He already decided to self-harm but hasn't done it yet
Black: He has engaged in self-harm behavior
Silver: He has done something with drugs.
Orange: He is struggling with the temptation of drugs or self-harm

Once the bracelet turns black or silver it will stay that color until he has told someone/ gotten help. It can be multiple colors at the same time.

Black, the bracelet was black. I don’t know why I was surprised. This wasn’t the first time it had turned black.

It was a bad day. The first anniversary of the Battle of Manhattan, where I wasn’t surrounded by my siblings. Feeling lightheaded and not thinking clearly, I was weighing the seriousness of my dad’s threat of rehab against my desire to get high. I knew some people in New Rome who I could get drugs from.

I was in the middle of this thought when someone knocked on the door. I put my bracelet away in a drawer and then went to open the door to my dorm. Nico would have just entered since it was his room too. I knew he had a full day of classes today, so I had no idea who would be bothering me in the middle of the day. I knew most of my friends were preparing for Percy’s birthday party that evening.

When I opened the door, there was an out-of-breath Jason.

“You’re fine. Thank goodness.” Jason said, trying to catch his breath.

Starting to get nervous, I said, “Of course, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I guess it’s nothing. Nico saw a problem in your death aura 20 mins ago and started panicking.” Uh oh. I forgot Nico could sense when I relapsed. “He would have come himself, but it’s the middle of chem lecture, and he is still behind from his last quest. He knew you would be pissed if he shadow-traveled after pulling 3 all-nighters this week if it was nothing. I’ll head back and let him know you’re fine. One last thing, he would want me to check your bracelet.”

I mentally froze. If Nico knew I had relapsed, he would skip all of his classes and come straight here. Suddenly, any thought I had of being able to slide this set back under the radar vanished.

Jason misinterpreted my mental freeze as offense. “Dude, I know it's a personal thing, and I’m not trying to invade your privacy, but Nico will either skip class or send me back if I don’t check.”

The stress brings the lightheadedness back like a freight train, and I stumble.

“Okay, maybe I spoke too soon about you being fine. Sit. Let me see if I can find you some water.” Jason left the room, coming back a minute later with a glass of water. “Are you okay? Do you know what’s going on with you? Should I take you to the student health center?”

I drank the water to stall for time. “Really, I’m fine, just tired.“ Lying through my teeth.

“If you’re sure,” Jason said slowly, then resumed a normal pace. “Then let me see your bracelet, and I’ll head back to Nico.”

“Dude, it is an invasion of privacy. My dad let me stop wearing it a year ago for a reason. Tell Nico I’m fine, just tired, and I’m going to take a nap.” Maybe that can clear my head of the thought of drugs. Now that I was likely to get caught, drugs lost some of their appeal.

“I’ll give you 20 drachmas if you show me that your bracelet is gold.”

“I just want my privacy respected. If Nico asks, tell him you tried, but I was offended at the implication.” I tried to pack as much indignation into my statement as possible.

Asking in a much kinder, softer tone, “Will, was it cutting or drugs? You’ve never been this guarded about that bracelet.”

At this point, I could cry. I knew I messed up, and now I was being caught. I considered slamming the door in Jason’s face, but he was one of the people who was there for me when I was trying to get better. That would be rude. Also, if I didn’t accept help, I bet my dad would do something about it. A second stint in the psych ward wasn’t my idea of a good time. I winced at the thought.

“Just let it go, Jason,” I said, still trying to get away with this.

“You know Nico is going to panic, right? He will skip the rest of his classes and check on you himself if I can’t 100% reassure him you’re okay. The more we talk, the more I’m concerned.” Jason said, looking worried.

“Jason, I’m exhausted and going to bed. Tell Nico I’m fine.” I said as I shut the door and walked away, hoping that everything would just blow over.

 

 

Chapter 2: All that's left are bad choices

I tried to stay calm and focus on my chem lecture.  Which was close to impossible when I was this worried about Will. Calm down. Jason is going for me, and Will isn’t actively dying.

It’s a 20-minute run to our dorm. Curse living on the other side of campus. Jason won’t be back for 40 minutes at least. Just have to sit here and be tortured for 45 more minutes then there is a class break. If I don’t hear back before my next class in an hour, I’ll shadow-travel back to our dorm and see what was happening. I’d deal with Will’s lecture later once I was sure he was fine.  I could sense Will’s death aura getting darker and it scared me.

Thankfully Jason came back just as class was ending.

“Is he okay?!” I asked impatiently.

“He says he's fine, just tired, but I don’t believe him.  I asked to see his bracelet to check that everything was indeed okay, but he said it was ‘an invasion of privacy.’ He also stumbled like he was lightheaded or something. I am pretty sure he relapsed. How or by how much I don’t know. I think you need to get to him.” Jason said quickly.

Jason barely finished talking when I reached out to a shadow to travel back to my dorm.

——-

After Jason left, I wasn’t totally sure what I should do. I said I’d take a nap, maybe I should. It would get my mind to be quiet for just a bit. I missed Michael and had none of my siblings to share the burden with.

This week was brutal. My biology exam didn’t go my way. I got called a useless healer by a hall mate. The nightmares of Tartarus had made a surprise appearance. Topping it all off was this stupid anniversary.

I was getting desperate for a break from this grief and stress or a way to minimize it. Forgetting or numbing the pain was my top priority to preserve my sanity. I was getting to the point where I felt I needed some sort of break, consequences be dammed. I hadn’t felt quite this desperate since Cecil’s death. The rational side of my brain knew I was wading into dangerous territory. The same territory that got me a trip to the psych ward in the first place.

I should take a deep breath, count to 100, nap, read a book, shoot an arrow, or do literally anything else than give in to temptation. The war in my head was loud. I was already going through the steps in my head of how to get the drugs my brain was screaming I needed and also didn’t need. I wasn’t willing to cut any farther than I had, and it barely took the edge off. It did nothing for the grief. I wanted something more.

Jason was probably running to Nico as I lay on my bed saying something was wrong. If I wanted to get drugs, I had to leave the dorm room before Jason got to Nico.

Maybe there was some part of me that wanted to be stopped because I didn’t make a move toward the door immediately. The better part of me was hoping Nico would show up or Jason would return before I did something stupider than I already had. I’d wait one more minute, then I was leaving.

 

Notes:

Does Nico make it in time or does Will leave? Please comment with your guesses/thoughts. I have changed my mind about how long this story will be. Comment if you want to see it continue.

Chapter 3: Finding Will

Stepping out of the shadows to an empty dorm room was a nightmare. Where was Will?!

"Oh Iris, goddess of the Rainbow, please accept my offering. Show me Will Solace at New Rome University." After a few seconds, the picture cleared up.  I saw Will somewhere, I assumed near the South Quad area based on the brick pattern, before he sliced through the message, ending the call. Now I was really panicking. Will wouldn't hang up on me, ever. Whatever was going on was not good.

"Oh Iris, goddess of the Rainbow, please accept my offering. Show me Jason Grace at New Rome University." Jason quickly appeared in the rainbow.

"Hey man, is Will alright?" He asked immediately.

"I don't think so.  He isn't in our dorm room, and he slashed through my IM.  He is somewhere near South Quad.  I'm really worried.  Can you help me look for him?"

"Of course. I'll get Percy as well.  He is out of class now.  I'll IM you if I find him."  Jason then ended the IM.

I shadow-traveled to South Quad hoping to find Will quickly.  I was doing a lot of shadow traveling today which wasn't the best being sleep-deprived, but I would manage.  I was too concerned to waste time running.  Unfortunately, I didn't get a good enough look at Will's surroundings to get a more precise location, and the South Quad area he was in was large.

After 30 minutes, I IMed Will again to find him dazed outside one of the South Quad dorms.  While running over there I messaged Jason and Percy that I found him, and they said they would meet me there.  I decided to run and save my shadow travel for if it was needed.  As I rounded the corner I found Percy and Jason trying to talk to Will.

"Will?! Why are you out here, and why did you hang up on me?" I asked as soon as I was within 5 ft. of him.

"Something is clearly wrong Nico.  He hasn't made much sense since we got here.  I think he needs medical attention."  Percy said with concern.  A moment later Will passed out.

"I'm taking him to the hospital." I said as I picked him up to shadow travel.

"We will meet you there," Jason said as I disappeared into the shadows.

When I got to the emergency room a nurse immediately got Will onto a bed.  Then the doctor started asking me questions.

"What's his name?"

"William Andrew Solace" I replied.

"Do you know what happened?"

"Not exactly.  When I found him he was not making sense and then passed out.  My assumption is he relapsed with cutting again.  I can't say for certain."  I said trying to hold off on being upset till I had a free moment.

"Do you know if he is taking any medications or any of his medical history?"

"His blood type is A+.  He is allergic to shrimp.  He has a history of cutting and brief drug use. He is 19.  You should have his file here.  He was admitted to the Mental Health Facility a few years ago for cutting."

“Who are you?”

"Nico di Angelo.  I'm his boyfriend.  I'm also on his medical paperwork to get medical information about him." 

"Okay, go to the waiting room, and I’ll get you when we know more.”

While Jason and Percy watched I paced the waiting room. After 15 minutes I was nervous. After 30 mins I was worried. When I had been waiting 45 minutes I was terrified. The doctor came out then.

“Nico, let’s talk in private.” The doctor led me over to a private room making me even more worried.  “First things first, he is going to be fine and can make a full recovery.” I let out a staggered breath and had to suppress crying from relief. “Now on to what was wrong.  You were right that he has relapsed with cutting. He lost a bit of blood, and one of the cuts on his hip needed a number of stitches.  The real problem is he overdosed on oxycodone.”

I couldn’t process what he had said. Will wouldn’t do that.  Sure he was having a rough week but not ‘I’ll risk rehab bad’.

“That’s not possible.” I said disbelieving.

“I’m so sorry, but it’s true. You can come back and see him now. He is up and talking.” The doctor said with a patient expression like he had delivered this news a thousand times.

“Um, I’m going to need a minute before I see him.” I said still trying to process this news.

“I understand. He is in curtain three when you are ready. We will be admitting him in the next hour or so.”

“Thank you” I said in a daze.

“He can come back from this. You got him here in time.” The doctor said as he left the room. 

I just stayed in the room sitting in shock for 5 minutes before Percy and Jason came in to see what was going on.

“Are you alright?” Jason asked shortly followed by Percy’s question, “Is Will?”

I could barely form a response before I started crying from worry and stress. “He cut and overdosed on drugs.” I said in a whisper. There was a look of pity and total shock on both of their faces.

“I didn’t realize he was doing that bad.” Jason said. “I’m so sorry I left him.  I knew something was up. I should have stayed.”

After a moment of crying I pulled my self together enough to say, “You couldn’t have known.  You went to get me.  You did your best.  I need to talk to him, but I have no clue what to say.”

“Just try sitting with him till you know what to say.  Also maybe take a few minutes here to feel your feeling before you see him.” Percy said. Which was sound advice. 

After the shock wore off I suddenly felt a lot of different emotions at once.  Anger was surprisingly the first emotion to crop up.  I had never been mad at Will for relapsing before, but he had never done drugs in the time I had known him. I was also scared and fearful.  Was this the start of something bad?  I also felt bad that I hadn’t noticed him spiraling.  I had been too caught up in quests and catching up in class.  Probably the quiet emotion was relief that he was okay right at this moment and was surrounded by people who could help.

I sat and cried leaning on Jason and being hugged by Percy till I felt like I was up to facing Will.

Notes:

So what did you think of the chapter? Was what Will did surprising or expected? What did you think of Nico’s response? How do you think talking to Will will go?

Chapter 4: Four Questions

As I was trying to pull my self together enough to see Will I realized I needed to call Austin and Kayla. They were sharing a small apartment in NYC as they both went to NYU. If I was lucky I could catch both of them at the same time.

“Do either of you have a prism on you? I left mine in the dorm. I need to IM Kayla and Austin.”

Percy handed his over.  “We will give you some privacy. I’m going to delay my party. We will be having dinner in the north dinning hall at 6:30 if you want to join. You can return the prism then if I see you.”

“Thanks,” I said as Jason and Percy left.

I started the IM to Kayla and Austin. I must have interrupted some sibling bonding time because it looked like they were watching a movie.

“Hey Kayla. Hey Austin.” I said to get their attention.

“Nico! We haven’t talked to you in forever. How are things going?”

I had to shut down a son from escaping my throat. “Um. First the doctor says Will is fine.”

“What happened!? Are you at a hospital?” Austin asked.

“It’s not good. Will cut today and overdosed on drugs.  We are at New Rome’s hospital”

The look of shock on their faces mimicked my own feelings.  

“He wouldn’t do that.  There must be some mistake.  He hasn’t cut in years and hasn’t done drugs in longer.” Kayla said.

A look of horror spread on Austin’s face. “Today’s the anniversary of the Battle of Manhattan.” He said in a near whisper. 

“Oh gosh,” Kayla said. “We will be there tomorrow. Can you find someone to get us from the airport?”

“I’ll get you myself.  I need to go talk to Will.”

“Alright, see you tomorrow.”  Austin said as he slashed through the message.

I sent a quick prayer to Apollo letting him know about Will if he didn’t already.

Going back to see Will was stressful. I noticed him before he saw me. He looked to be staring at the ceiling exasperated and frustrated. Then Will saw me.

“Nico,” Will said as he sat up.

“Solace,” I managed to say trying to leave the anger and frustration out of my voice. I went over and silently sat in the chair next to his bed. There were questions that needed answered, but I wasn’t up to asking any of them. After a minute of silence Will went back to staring at the ceiling.

After 10 minutes I got up my nerve to speak. “Will,”

Will sighed still looking at the ceiling knowing there was probably nothing I was going to say that he was going to want to hear. “Yes.”

Asking was uncomfortable but necessary, “Do you have any more drugs?”

While shutting his eyes Will responded, “Front pocket of my backpack.”  I took them and made a portal to a land fill and dropped them through. 

“Three more questions.” Since I started talking I may as well finish my questions.  “Where did you get the drugs?”

With a sigh he sat up and looked at me.  “There was a girl in my study group I had over heard talking about how her boyfriend had connections. I contacted Gemma and was able to buy them through her.  That’s why I was in South Quad.”

“Were you trying to kill yourself?” I asked in the most scared timid voice I had.  If the answer was bad I wasn’t sure how I supposed to handle this.

“No! Of course not! I misjudged the dosage.  I very much want to be here.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.  At least things were only really bad.

“Final question what the Hades happened?  You were supposed to talk to someone if things got bad again. You could have died.” I said unable to stop the tear from falling out of my eyes.

“I realize this really doesn’t excuse my behavior, but I was having a bad week.  I failed my biology exam.  I’ve been having dreams about Tartarus every night for the past week.  this was the first anaversity of the Battle of Manhattan that I haven’t been with my siblings to share the grief with so it was worse than normal.”

“If you had said something I would have taken you to New York to Kayla and Austin in a heartbeat.”

“You’ve been busy, and you’re still recovering from your quest.”

“That’s no excuse for not talking to someone.” I gritted out managing to stop my tears.

“I know. Are you mad?” Will asked with a small voice very unsure.

“I’m not sure what to say Will.  I’m mad. I’m frustrated, scared, and grateful you’re alive.  I feel like I should have seen you were doing this bad.  How are you doing?”

“I thought you were done with the questions.” Will said trying and failing to make a joke.

“Will I’m not up to jokes at the moment.  How are you doing?” I asked looking him in the eye.

“Badly, I’ve never mess up this bad. The worst part is I’m still craving an escape.  Maybe even worse than before.”

“I don’t know how to help.  I may as well tell you now I IMed Kayla and Austin. They will be here in the morning.  I also prayed to your dad so he knows.”

“Ugh” Will said as he buried his head in his  hands. A minute later a nurse came in to move Will to a room.

 

Notes:

Please comment so I know what your thoughts are on the direction of this story. Thank for reading!

Chapter 5: A frank chat

After getting Will back to his room the nurse came in. She handed a brochure to Will and said, “Here is a brochure about our teen rehabilitation program. They accept everyone 19 and younger. Let me know if you want more information or if you would like me to register you into the program.” Then she quietly left.

Once she left Will asked me to throw away the brochure for him without him reading it. That was what pushed me over the edge, and I snapped.

“No, I won’t,” I said then took a deep breath. “Will, you overdosed. You could have died. You’re lucky Jason, Percy, and I were already searching for you. This is a serious problem you have, and you need help. If this wasn't an extreme cry for help I don’t know what is.

If you aren’t careful you are going to destroy any chance you have at becoming a doctor before you even get to medical school. Do they let people with drug possession charges become doctors?” Will stopped making eye contact.

You didn’t even let me know you weren’t doing okay. Kayla didn’t believe me when I told her you relapsed because you didn’t let anyone know that you needed help.  When your dad let you stop wearing your cuff it wasn’t to make you handle everything on your own. It was because he trusted you to ask for help when you needed to.

I’m so mad at you right now.  Not because you relapsed in everything but because you aren’t considering an option for real help.  Holly said after you stole from the infirmary and Kayla caught you I didn’t have to stay with you.”  Will’s eyes locked on to mine in an instant with a guarded expression that looked like it was hiding real hurt.  “I never even considered it until this moment.  I’m not going to be dating someone with a drug problem actively feeding their addiction.”  I saw the moment I shattered something in Will but he had to know where my boundaries are.  “Just like last time I’ll stay and support you getting better, but I won’t stand by and watch you get worse.  My past is just as dark as yours.  If I have to watch you destroy yourself you’ll take me down too, and I’m not going to do that to myself. Get help. That isn’t a suggestion.

I need some air. I’m going to go join Percy and Jason for dinner. I’ll be back later and we can talk.”

“Nico,” Will pleaded.

“I need some air,” was all I could respond as I left his hospital room.  I decided to walk back to campus so I could clear my head some.  After walking down an empty hall I sat down and fell apart.  

Too late I noticed someone walking down the hall, “Nico, are you alright?”

“Lord Apollo,” I said trying to stop crying.

“You saved my life.  I think we can drop the formalities.  Thank you for letting me know about Will.”

“Of course.”

“Back to my first question are you alright?”

While sniffling I responded, “Not even close.  Will going back to cutting and drugs is one of my nightmares. Now that’s reality.  When he told me to throw away the brochure for the teen rehab without reading it I lost it on him and left I was so furious.”

“That is understandable,”

“I said I’d leave him if he continues to feed his addiction,”  I said in a small voice unable to look at Apollo.  While I knew that it was what I needed, I felt guilty.

"Well, is that the truth?"

"Yes," I responded still unable to look at Apollo.

"That's okay."  My head snapped up.  "You have boundaries.  It's good that he knows them." 

“You don’t think I’m failing him?”

“I think you’ve stuck around when others would have left.  I think you’re in love with him, and this is killing you. Setting a reasonable boundary for your own good isn’t failing him.  Who knows, it may just save his life.  I don’t think there is a thing he wouldn’t do for you.  I think that also may include getting better.”  Apollo said with a smile. “I need to go see Will. Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I just need time.”

Notes:

Comment your thoughts please! What do you think about Nico setting boundaries?

Chapter 6: A Fatherly Chat

Hearing that Nico might leave left me feeling shattered. While intellectually I understood his position and it made sense, emotionally I wanted to drown myself in the first option available. The shame was suffocating, and the fear of losing Nico was overwhelming.

I was sobbing over the situation I put myself in when dad entered my hospital room. Ugh, the look of disappointment. I was coming to terms with how bad I screwed up, but did everyone have to remind me by just looking at me?

“Dad,” I managed to say between sobs.

“I guess I don’t have to tell you how bad you messed up. Also, here is your cuff back. It seems you still need it.” Apollo said still looking disappointed but there was pity there too.

Being asked to wear the cuff again felt awful. It was like a physical reminder that I screwed up and there were consequences. It didn’t help anything that it was bright orange.

“While I obviously know how it ends, do you want to tell me what happened?” Apollo said with a look of understanding and disappointment.

“I fail my biology exam; my hall-mate called me a useless healer and some other not too kind things; I’ve been dreaming of Tartarus for the past week; and today was the anniversary of the Battle of Manhattan and I didn’t have my siblings to share the grief with. I tried cutting and it didn’t help.  I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I couldn’t get a break from these feelings or forget. I found a classmate who I knew knew where to find drugs, and I bought them off her. I didn’t mean to overdose. I just took too much.” I finished my statement without making eye contact.

"Is there anything else important I should know?" Apollo asked with a concerned expression.  Ugh, someone asked the question I very much did not want to answer.  Lying wasn't going to work.  I guess I have to suck it up.

"I've been doing drugs most of the semester."  I said in a small voice.  I don't think I had ever shocked a god before, but Apollo defiantly had been rendered momentarily speechless.  It took a full 30 seconds for him to recover. 

"William Andrew Solace,"  Full name, ouch.  "What were you thinking? Scratch that you obviously weren't.  I don't even have words to express..."  Apollo took a deep breath and some of his anger/frustration dissipated.  "What happened?"  He asked in a much calmer tone.

"Before my first organic chemistry test I had two other tests that I needed to study and I needed more time.  The person who became my dealer,"  I had to wince at the term from shame even though that was the truth, "was in my study group.  She had mentioned that she had something that could help me stay awake and finish studying.  I bought Adderall off of her.  I think the Adderall triggered something so my night mares were insane; Tartarus all over again; reliving my siblings' and friends' deaths; and having people close to me tell me all of my insecurities were true.  After 4 nights I was begging for relief so I sought her out and asked if she had any oxy.  From  that point on I used drugs when things got stressful."

Apollo look taken aback by my admission of guilt.  "You've made a right mess of your life."

"That is an understatement."

"It really is.  The fact you are still here really comes down to luck that you were found before you were too far gone."

I couldn't help but silently agree.

“So what are you going to do now?” Apollo asked.

“I figured you were here to tell me I was going to rehab.” I said looking at him with a questioning look.

“I made that threat when you were a kid. You’re an adult now.  While I’m perfectly capable of cursing you to speak in couplets till you get help, I think it would be better if you made the choice yourself.  Also I imagine Nico telling you he’d leave if you don’t work on changing is a far more potent motivator.”

“How did you know about that?” I said shocked.

“I talked to him in the hall. He was a mess, but did make it very clear that he was serious in his statement.” There went any hope of him exaggerating.

“If I go to rehab I’ll fail my course load.” I said trying to get out of what seemed like and inevitable future, but even I could see through my own logic.

“You withdraw for the semester, and go back when your healthy enough to handle it,” Apollo said patiently.

“If I do that I’ll lose my place to live.” I stated because that was a fact.

“Maybe spending a few weeks with your mom wouldn’t be the worst idea.  You’ve barely seen her in the last few years.  She is going to be worried after this.”

“Please don’t tell her!” I begged.  For this I wasn’t above begging. 

Apollo raised his eyebrows. “Are you going to?”

“Why do I have to tell her?  She will be worried out of her mind if she knows I went back to drugs.”  I said ashamed.

“She is your mother.  You owe her the truth.  You should have thought of this before.  Everyone is worried about you.  You could have easily died today.  Please tell me you understand that.”

I felt like a scolded child again.  In many ways I guess I was.  “I honestly can’t get my mind around that I did this to myself.  Last time I did drugs I felt like I had control over what I was doing.  This time I obviously didn’t.” I said unable to maintain eye contact.

"I don't think you had control last time either.  You were desperate, and in that desperation you broke your own morals to get relief.  That doesn't sound in control to me.  Don't even get me started about your self harm.  You defiantly never had control of that until you quit."

"I guess you're right." I said ashamed.

"As long as you work for it everything will be okay.  Things just might be rough in the mean time.  Unfortunately I have to leave before Zeus gets irritated that I'm here.  You can always ask for my help, and I'll do my best.  Bye son.  I love you."

"Bye dad.  I love you too."  Apollo left and I was left to my own thoughts.

Notes:

I'm a few chapters ahead of my posting. More comments the faster I post! What do you think of Will's admission about his problems being worse than anyone knew?

Chapter 7: Hazel

Notes:

I'm good to my word. There were 2 comments so there is a quick update!

My dad had left about an hour ago when Hazel walked in.  "Nico told me what happened.  He is currently crashing on my couch.  I think today took more out of him than he realized.  I knew he would want you to know where he was if he wasn't here."

"Thank you."

"So how are you doing?  I hear Nico kind of lost it on you."

"I'm not doing good.  Today was a nightmare that I only made worse.  Yeah, he said a lot of things.  The one that sticks to mind is that he wouldn't date me if I was feeding my addiction."

"Knowing my brother he meant every word that he said, but he probably could have phrased it better."  Hazel said with sympathy.

"I can appreciate his bluntness. It saves time."  Hazel chuckled at this.

"I guess.  Jason, Percy, and Nico spent two hours looking through your dorm room for any other drugs or signs of self-sabotage behavior just in case.  They came up empty.  Should they have found anything?"  She said giving me a serious look daring me to lie to her.

"No."

"Swear it."  She said more seriously.  Damn how had it come to this?

"Adderall is under the bed raiser nearest the back wall."  I shouldn't have lied.

"Why do you have Adderall?"

"I used it once to stay awake to study for an organic chemistry exam.  Only once."  I shuttered at the memories of the nightmares that came after.

"I'll tell Jason to go get it.  Anything else?"  She said disappointed in me.

"No, I swear on the Styx.  Nico already got rid of my oxy supply.”

"Good.  Nico is terrified.  It took a lot to get him to sleep."

"He doesn't even know the worst part."  I mumbled worried about how he would react.

"What was that?"  She asked.

"He doesn't even know the worst part."  I had to take a deep breath before continuing.  "I've been doing drugs most of the semester."

"Will... how could you?"  She said shocked.

"This semester was hard, and I couldn't handle it." I said looking away.  When I eventually looked back at her she was fuming.

"How could you do this to yourself?!  How could you do this to my brother?!  You spent months lying to him."

"I know.  I'm not sure if he is going to leave me or not when he finds out."

"You have to tell him or I will.  He deserves better and you know it.  He loves you too much to let your relationship go without a fight but..."  I could hear the end of her statement in my mind 'maybe you don't deserve it'.

"I'll tell him. I swear on the Styx." Well no chance of backing out now.  "Please don't tell him before I do."

"If you don't' tell him next time you see him I will.  Have you thought about what you are going to do when you get out of here?"

"I don't know.  I've thought about it. Based on your brother's tone earlier, doing nothing isn't really an option.  I have to get better, do better.  I'm worried that going back to therapy might not be enough.  Going to rehab seems like it's overkill.  I don't want to take resources away from someone who needs them.  Also, if I went to rehab I would have to withdraw for the semester and lose my dorm room."  I replied trying to give her an honest answer.

"Are you doing particularly well this semester?"  Hazel asked with interest.

"No. In fact I just failed my biology exam. The rest of my classes are going mediocre at best.  I wasn't struggling this hard last year."

"It sounds like a withdraw for medical reason might just help you." Hazel helpfully suggested.

"I don't want to leave Nico."

"If you don't get better you'll lose him.  Hades, you may have lost him already with your behavior.  He would be the first in line to tell you to get as much help as you can."  She said countering my excuses with logic. "I'll lay it out as I see it.  You overdosed after finding cutting wasn't a good enough solution, which means you need help in a serious way.  That isn't even taking into account that you've been addicted for months.  You are not taking resources away from someone who needs it, because you need it.  Since you aren't doing well this semester leaving won't hurt you.  Is it possible that rehab is overkill?  No.  Trying to do the minimum here isn't good enough because the stakes are too high.  You are risking your career, your relationship, and your life here.  I don't think it is overboard to take this seriously.  Don't think it hasn't come to my attention that your cuff is back on and is constantly orange.  Your sitting in a hospital bed and still being tempted."  (I had eventually told all of my friends what the cuff was for since they had questions when it changed colors.)

"I'm not addicted."  I said weakly.

"Oh really?  Then why haven't you stopped?  Your risking everything to get high.  It's not worth it.  Why are you doing it if your not addicted?"

I had no response for that one.  Seeing I had nothing I could say in response we sat in silence for a few minutes with Hazel giving me a very scary scowl.  Trying to change the subject I asked, "How was Nico when you saw him?"

"What do you think?  He's a mess. The love of his life almost died of an overdose.  He knew there was something seriously wrong, and he wasn't able to do anything about it.  Do you know how much he is beating himself up for sending Jason instead of going himself?"

"I didn't think about that."  I said in a small voice.

"You didn't think about a lot of things."  She reprimanded.

"I already got a talking to by my dad.  I know I did something horrible.  No need to remind me.  This hospital and Nico leaving are more than enough to do that."  I said irritated.  I was getting tired of everyone telling me how much I had messed up.  I was going to get an ear full from Kayla.

"Sorry, I'm just really disappointed in you.  Nico told me how hard you had to work to get clean of cutting, and you not only went back on that.  You went further in your self destruction and got hooked on drugs again."  The sincerity of here world cut off the anger I was feeling.  Everyone was just worried.

"I need to get back to Nico.  I hope you make the right choice."

"Please tell him 'I'm sorry',"  I said as she was leaving.

"Of course"

Notes:

So what do we think of Will not being able to see he is addicted? Realistic or no?

Chapter 8: Kayla and Austin

Notes:

Thank you for such thoughtful comments! As promised a quick update.

Nico POV:

I arrived at the airport early to pick up Kayla and Austin.  I decided I had enough shadow traveling so we were going to use Jules Albert.  I could tell that Austin and Kayla had a long night based on how little they were talking as we got in the car.  After 10 minutes or so Kayla started talking, "How is Will?"

"Beyond that he is alive, I'm not sure,"  I said a little embarrassed that I had left in a huff.

"What do you mean 'I'm not sure'?  Weren't you with him all night?  If I remember correctly you two never left each other's side when one of you was injured."  Austin said shocked.

"After he asked me to throw away the brochure he was given about rehab without giving it a single look, I lost it on him and left.  After leaving I got dinner and cried myself to sleep on my sister's sofa.  I'm not sure I'm quite ready to talk to him.  I know my sister visited him after I fell asleep to tell him I was sleeping on her sofa.  This morning she said he seemed to be as okay as he could be, given the circumstances.  Also, Apollo visited and talked to him; based on Apollo's years-old threat of rehab I don't imagine that conversation was fun for Will.  He didn't tell Hazel how that talk went.  I think Hazel also got on his case about what he did.  He could probably use a break from everyone telling him how badly he screwed up."

"Why aren't you ready to talk to him?" Kayla asked.

"I told him I would leave him if he fed his addiction."  Both Kayla's and Austin's eyes were as wide as saucers.  "I'm not changing my mind about that.  I didn't let him get a word in before I left.  I'm worried if he doesn't want to accept help, where that leaves us.  It would crush me to leave him."  I said a little shaken.  I really wasn't ready if Will said he wasn't getting help.

"That is tough.  Will came around on his cutting; he'll come around on this." Austin tried to reassure me.

"Did he though?  That is what he did first before the drugs." I said a little shattered.  I was overwhelmed by the entire situation and the implications of what he did.  Had he relapsed before and not told me?  Was I too distracted on quests to see the change in his death aura?  Was this in fact the first time he did drugs since he was 12?  I hadn't seen his cuff in a year.  Was it black and silver this entire time?  I hated how my trust in him had dissolved overnight.

"Well, we can know with certainty that he wasn't cutting this time last year.  It was one mistake.  It doesn't erase the work he put into getting better."  Austin said.

__________

When I woke up I was immediately enveloped in a hug by Kayla. "I have to say, this is not the greeting I expected." I really expected to be yelled at.  That was probably coming.

"We had about 15 hours to come to terms with what you did, and I may have heard you already got read the riot act by Nico, Hazel, and Apollo." Kayla supplied as explanation. "Are you okay?  Dumb question.  You're pretty much screaming not okay.  I'm so sorry we weren't there for the anniversary.  Why didn't you say something?!  We would have been here for you.  You didn't have to go through this alone, but do you want to tell us exactly what happened?  It can't all be the anniversary."

So I started in on how the semester was going and everything that had led up to the moment I chose to buy drugs yesterday.  I left out the part about doing drugs for the rest of the semester.

"I'm so sorry Will.  That sounds really tough." Austin said

Someone showing sympathy instead of telling me how badly I failed brought me to tears. "I'm so sorry guys.  I should have been stronger." I said weakly.

"You are not weak.  You are one of the strongest people I know.  You didn't relapse because you weren't strong enough.  It was because you didn't ask for help."  Kayla said with the understanding I didn't deserve. 

I had only told Hazel and Apollo the full truth of what really had been going on this semester.  I know I'd been careful but I was surprised it took me this long to get caught.  I decided I should probably just go ahead and tell my siblings.  I was afraid of what was going to happen when I did. "I should have asked for more help long before now."

"What do you mean?"  Kayla said looking serious and concerned.

I took a deep breath and screwed my eyes shut because I couldn't possibly look at their faces when I told them.  "This was the first time I cut in forever, but I have been doing drugs off and on all semester."

After a few seconds of shocked silence, I opened my eyes.  Kayla was silently crying and Austin looked devastated.  

"Why did you not tell someone you were in this bad of shape?"  Kayla choked out.  "We would have figured out a way to help."

"How did you keep this a secret from Nico?"  Austin asked bewildered.

"I talked to Holly a few times, but I wasn't looking for help.  It did successfully turn my bracelet back to gold, so if Nico saw it he wouldn't suspect.  I mostly used drugs when either Nico was gone or my death aura was going to be down for some other explainable reason, and I never went back to our dorm high."  I explained.

"You know you have to tell him right?"  Austin said

"I'm afraid he will leave,"  I said in a small voice.

"If you don't tell him, and he finds out you kept this from him, he probably will."  Austin countered.  

I knew he was right.  Nico deserved the truth and so did my mom. 

Composing her self Kayla said, "Will, it won't be easy but you can come back from this." I didn't exactly believe her.  How the hell was I supposed to come back from an overdose while I was sitting in my hospital bed craving drugs?

"How? I'm about 90% certain Nico will leave me after he finds out that I've been lying to him for months."  Even though they could guess based on my bracelet that I wanted more drugs I couldn't admit that out loud. 

"Actions have consequences Will.  You can't stop Nico from leaving, but you can get your life back on track.  You don't have to give up on your medical career if you turn your life around.  If you don't change, the second you are arrested you are going to lose that future."

"You need rehab, Will."  Austin said.

"I don't want it.  It will ruin my timetable for graduation."  I half-heartedly said back.

"Will, stop worrying about college and start worrying about if your drug addiction is going to kill you!" Kayla practically shouted at me.

"Hey," Austin said grabbing Kayla's shoulder.  "Let's give him some time to think about what we said and grab lunch."

"Fine.  See you after lunch Will."  Kayla said as she stormed off.

Notes:

The more comments I have the faster I want to post. Thoughts on the chapter?

Chapter 9: IMing Mom

Notes:

Thank you for the comments! MiaDiAngelo and franchfroes you rock!

I've decided on an update schedule for chapters 10 & 11. I have a bad writers block for the story after that point. Every two weeks unless there are comments.

Austin and Kayla left for lunch. This gave me the perfect opportunity to panic about IMing my mom. How would I even start that conversation? Hi mom, I've been doing drugs this semester? I decided there was no way this conversation was going to go well so may as well get it over with.

I used the prism out of my bag and then worked on making the call. My mom was in her kitchen singing to the radio.

"Mom,"

"Oh honey you scared me! How are you doing?" She said with a smile. Not ten seconds later she noticed my surroundings. "Are you in hospital bed? What happened?!"

I couldn't look directly at her, or I would lose my nerve. I said in a slight rush to get the worst part over with, "I've been doing drugs all semester, and I cut and overdosed. Nico took me to the hospital yesterday." I slowly looked up at her afraid to see her face.

There was a massive pause, "I assume you would like me to skip the scolding you so rightly deserve." She looked stern.

"Yes, if you don't mind. Nico already gave me the 'you could have died speech', and told me to get help. He left without letting me say a word." I started crying again. "I haven't even told him that I was doing drugs all semester. I'm terrified he is going to leave me."

"I'm sorry your relationship is in a rocky place, but you need to focus on getting better, with or without Nico." While it was a dose of reality I needed it didn't make me feel any better. "What are you planning on doing after you get out of the hospital?"

“I’m not sure.”

“Is there rehab for demigods?” She asked.

I winced. I wanted another option. “Yes.”

“And why aren’t you telling me that is your plan?” She said with judgment.

“I’d need to withdraw from all of my classes and lose my place to live.”  I was getting tired of making this argument.

“College shouldn’t be your top priority right now. Nothing is more important than getting you to stop doing drugs.  You are more than welcome to come home while you get your life straightened out.”

“I’ll think on it.  I’ll ask the nurse if there are other treatment options besides rehab.”

“Get better. I love you.” 

“I love you too mom.” I said then slashed through the message.

When the nurse came back in I asked about treatment options.  There was rehab and out patient drug addiction therapy.  Hear there were only the two options was discouraging.  Talking to Holly who I trusted didn’t do any good this time around. Why would another therapist make a difference?

Shortly after I talked to the nurse Kyle came in.

Chapter 10: Kyle

Notes:

I know everyone has gotten on his case. Let's see if Kyle is different. Also thanks everyone for the amazing comments!

Shortly after my phone call with mom Kyle walked in.

"Hey Kyle," I said exhausted after the phone call I had with my mom.

"I'd ask how it's was going but we both know the answer to that already." He looked didn’t look disappointed he just looked worried.

"Yeah."

"So do you want to tell me what happened?" 

"I relapsed." I wasn't up to the full explanation after talking with my mom.

His worry turned to heartbreak, "Jason already told me that."  He paused for a moment before continuing quietly, "Really, cutting and drugs? You worked so hard to get clean from cutting the first time. You were like my role model for getting and staying better. What happened?"

"I just couldn't handle school along with all of the trauma of coming back with dreams and anniversaries. I've been doing drugs all semester." I said exhausted. Having to tell Kyle I failed hurt a little more than all of the others, besides Nico.

"I know you know better ways of coping."

"You wouldn't understand." At this Kyle looked hurt.

"I wouldn't understand? You had to stop me from throwing up when my mom sent that abusive letter. You convinced me to go to therapy last year and made sure I went every week when you found me purging again in the dorm bathroom. How could I not understand the desire to cope in a super unhealthy way because it was easier?" Kyle was definitely irritated at me glossing over his own experience.

After a minute of silence, Kyle seemed to move on from being irritated.  "So are you going to rehab?" He asked.

"Um..." I looked away sheepishly.  I didn’t want rehab.

"If I told you I had been doing drugs for months what would you tell me as a medic and my friend?" Kyle said compassionatly.

In a whisper, I said, "I'd tell you to go to rehab."

"Why the Hades are you not taking your own advice? You would give that advice because it's almost impossible to stop, right?"

"I did it before," I said wanting to prove that there was another way.

"By cutting.  Is that how you were planning on quitting?"

I was silent because that was exactly what I had tried yesterday.

"Oh my gosh, that was your plan?!  Dude, do you remember how much work you had to put into quitting that the first time?  You ended up in the psych ward!"

"You're right I can't go back to that,"  I said remembering how hard it was to quit, and how I had nearly killed myself once relapsing. 

"I’m not mad Will but you need help.  If you don't get it you could kill yourself.  You damn well almost succeeded in that yesterday."  Kyle looked like he wanted to cry.

"I'm sorry," I said weakly starting to cry.

After about 30 seconds Kyle continued, "Hey, I'm sorry for getting on your case.  I get that it's hard.  I want you to be okay.  Do you have any more drugs?"

"Nico already got rid of them."

"Good.  You are going to get better.  I'll do whatever I can to ensure that.  You saved me when I was spiraling last year.  I'd like to return the favor.  Do you have any other real option besides rehab?"

"There is outpatient therapy."

"I'll support you either way, but do you think outpatient therapy will work?"

"Maybe.  It would mess up my life less."

"Are you willing to gamble your life on maybe?"

I didn't respond.

"Think about it.  You need help Will."

"I agree,"  Nico said as he walked in.  "Kyle, would you mind giving us the room?  I need to talk to my boyfriend."

"Bye," Kyle said as he left.

Chapter 11: Nico

Notes:

It took a bit for the polishing touches but here is Nico's chapter.

After Kyle left, Nico said flatly, "Hey, Will."

"Hey." 

"I'm ready to talk now.  I'm sorry about storming off.  I just needed some time to... cool off."  He did look much calmer.

"I get it.  It's not like I didn't give you reason to be mad."

"Realistically, we have one shot to save what we have before it's broken beyond repair, but this won't work if you are not honest with me." I hoped Hazel hadn't said anything, but it sounded like he already suspected I was holding something back.  He was right, of course.  "So, is there anything else I should know?"  He said with a slightly fearful look.

I didn't even contemplate lying.  I had one chance to make things as right as I could and possibly save my relationship.  Nothing good was built on lies.  "I've been doing drugs ever since right before my first organic chemistry test." 

Nico looked up and said, "Oh my gods, how did I not see it?"  There was a long pause.  Nico let out a deep breath and took a seat, leaning forward with his hands clasped together.

"Okay." There was a longer pause, "All oxy?"

"No"

"What else did you do?" Nico asked in a neutral tone.

"Adderall once to study for an exam.  The nightmare backlash, I assume from the Adderall being in my system, wasn't worth it.  From that point on, I only did oxy."

"Stupido, correva in giro come un nervoso, iperdistrutto prima di quell'esame. Perché non l'ho chiesto? [Stupid, he was running around like a nervous, hyper wreck before that exam.  Why didn't I ask?]"  He mumbled to himself.  After an exasperated sigh, "How often?"

"Do I have to answer that?"

"Yes," Nico said in a calm tone.

Taking a deep breath I said, "Every four days or so on average."  Having to admit this was hard.

"Cazzo," he said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.  He then continued, "Before ODing, how long had it been?"

"2 days," I said, realizing there was no point in delaying my answer since it was inevitable that I would have to answer. 

"How did you not get caught? How did you lie to everyone all semester?"  In a much smaller voice, while starting to tear up, he asked, "How could you lie to me?"

Heartbreak was written all over his face.  Was he going to break up with me?  Did I finally go too far?  Was there no coming back from this?  I started to not be able to breathe, and my vision started to blur.  No, this is not the time.  I recognized this was a panic attack, but I forgot how I was to get out of it.  Nico noticed.  He got up and was by my side in an instant.

"Hey, whoa, breathe, Will.  In for four out for six.  One two three four, out one two..."  I had a hard time following him at first, but he kept this up until my panic attack subsided about 10 minutes later.  He went back to sit on the chair in the room.

"Will, I'm sorry you had a panic attack, but how did you not get caught?  How could you lie?"  He said with a calm tone.  Just because he helped me didn't mean anything was okay.

"Right, um, when I wasn't too far gone, I tried to do drugs when my death aura was going to be worse for an explainable reason or when you were on a quest.  I hoped you were too distracted to notice the change.  I guess drug use doesn't affect my death aura nearly as much as cutting.  After the first few times when you didn't freak out, I assumed that I didn't need to worry about getting caught like that.  I also made sure that I never went back to the dorm high.  I also talked to Holly a few times, with no intention of changing, to get my bracelet back to gold, in case you saw it.  As for lying to you about all of this, I didn't want to get caught because I didn't want to be told to stop.  Forgetting my problems completely for a little while felt too good." Nico looked like I had sucker punched him.  Ashamed, I admitted, "It got to where dealing with life was impossible without the drugs."

Nico took a minute to digest that information.  I could see the tears starting to pool in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I need a minute.” He said as he left the room.  About thirty seconds later, I could hear muffled sobs from the hallway.  The sound was soul-crushing because I caused it.

After 10 minutes of hearing him cry, he came back and continued, like he didn’t just have a breakdown in the hallway.  Looking shattered, he asked, "Have you been cutting behind my back too?"

The wording of the question hurt.  "Unless you are counting yesterday, no.  I haven't cut since Cecil's mom's letter."  Now was not the time to be reminded of that.  Somehow, my bracelet got more orange, and Nico definitely noticed.  Gods, I wanted an out, cutting and drugs both sounded appealing, even though that's what got me here in the first place.  I guess I really was messed up.

"Why did you try cutting again?"

"I wanted to see if I could get by without the drugs.  Obviously, that failed."

"You know cutting isn't a solution, right?  If you wanted to quit, why not confess and ask for help? I would still have been mad about the lying, but I wouldn’t have judged you for the drug use.  Damn, I still don’t.” Gosh, how had I been so stupid?  Of course, he wouldn’t have judged.

"I didn't want you to know.  I'm ashamed of what I did."  Making eye contact was too hard.  When I finally looked up, Nico looked devastated at my confession. 

"You had to know you were going to get caught yesterday after talking with Jason.  Why did you still choose to get high?  I guess it really doesn't matter, but I want to know."

"I felt like I was going insane.  I got to a point where I didn't care what the consequences were.  I needed something."

Nico POV:

Why wasn't that something me? 

My emotions started to shut down to protect me.  I used to deal with situations I didn't know how to handle like this.  With Will's help, I had gotten better.  Even with my muted emotions, I felt betrayed.  He had lied.  I wanted to leave again, but knew that wouldn't solve anything.

I was in shock.  Not only did my boyfriend relapse in both drugs and cutting, but he had been getting high all semester.  He lied all semester.  Can we even come back from this?  I hated thinking that, but my trust in Will was just destroyed.  What could even make this better?  I'd never quite understood with such clarity the desire to forget all of your problems. This is why I knew if he continued with drugs, I couldn't stay with him.  Unlike Will, I wasn't going to turn to some self-destructive habit to deal with this.  Did I even want to ask what Will was planning on doing after he got out of here?  From what Hazel said, he wasn't sure what he should do.  Did I even want to move forward?

It was the two questions, 'Did I want to move forward' and 'Could we even move forward' that were plaguing my thoughts.  I knew I would have to talk to Will if I wanted an answer to the second one.  He could at least turn a 'no' into a 'maybe' if he was serious about getting help.  The first question was up to me to answer.

It had been about 10 minutes since either one of us spoke when I decided we needed to finish this conversation.  "Will, you lied to me, and I don't trust you."  I didn't think it was possible for Will to look more devastated, but he did.  "I'm not even sure it is possible to continue this relationship." Now Will was silently crying.  The heartbreak was almost too sad to watch because it was a mirror image of what I was feeling.  "But I'm willing to try if you get help.  I don't promise that it will be enough, though, to fix this.  If you use again and don't tell me immediately, this is over.  It may be over if you use at all."

"I'm sorry.  I betrayed your trust and lied constantly to cover up my own addiction."  Will winced, I assumed, at having to admit he had an addiction.  He would barely admit that he was addicted the first time.  "Everything you said is perfectly reasonable."  I was glad he had a clear enough head to see that.

"What are you going to do after you get out of here?"  There was only one answer I wanted to hear, but I wasn't sure he was strong enough to commit to it.

Will paused a moment and closed his eyes before saying, "I'll go to the teen rehab program."  Then he added,  "Is that enough to get you to stay?  I'll get better.  I'm so sorry." After saying that, he started crying.  I immediately went to comfort him and received some comfort in return."

"I'll stay.  Of course I'll stay."

Austin and Kayla came back shortly after Will and I finished talking.

"Looks like you two made up. I assume that means that Will is going to rehab."  Kayla said, not beating around the bush.

"Yes," Will said.

"We are proud of you, Will," Austin said.

"What is there to be proud of? I lied to everyone about my drug use, and now I have to drop out of school for the semester."  Will said, frustrated.

"Remember when we were proud of you for going to the psych ward so you would get better?  This is the same thing.  You majorly screwed yourself over this time, but you're trying to fix it instead of giving up.  Which is definitely the harder thing to do."  Austin said as he shared a look with Kayla that was suspicious.

"Thanks"

Notes:

What do you think of Nico's reaction? Did it live up to your expectation? Why do you think there was a look between Austin and Kayla?

Also the next update will be on the slow side. I need to get the rehab section of the story hammered out before starting to post it. I have a rough outline for the next 6 chapters.

Chapter 12: Checking In

Notes:

Thank you for the lovely comments! I always like to hear your thoughts.

After checking out of the hospital, I immediately went to the rehab part of the hospital.  I was feeling awful.  The lights were starting to hurt my eyes. Nico had already packed my dorm room and sent anything I didn't need to my mom.  Walking up to the check-in desk, I saw a familiar face, “Travis? You work here now?” I said as I saw Travis behind the check-in desk.

“Yeah. I finished my psychology master's degree and transferred here from the psych ward a year ago.  I'm now one of the therapists, besides being the main intake person.  I found my skills more useful here since people had more incentive to be dishonest.”

“Congratulations on graduating, and I get why your skills would be more useful here,” I said, trying to be polite despite a massive headache.

“I’d say it’s nice to see you, but it’s never nice to see someone in here.”

“I guess that would be a downside to working here,” Nico said.

“Here is your paperwork.  Generally, the program is 30 days.  Visiting hours for you will start next Saturday.  They are on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, 1-3.
Please put any drugs and sharp items you have on you in the tray to your left.  I’m going to ask you if you have any other drugs or sharp items on you after you finish your paperwork.  You should remember I can tell when you are lying.”

I was glad Nico was at least here while I was checking in.

Looking sad, he said.  “I have class when visiting hours are Tuesday and Thursday.  I’ll only see you a few times in the next month.” Nico said sadly.  So, I was going through this alone without seeing my boyfriend almost at all.  Great.
Turning from the paperwork, I asked Nico, "Do I really have to do this?  I can work on getting better on my own.  I'll really try."  I just wanted to go back to the comfort of my dorm room and sleep off this headache.  Nico's face turned grim.

"Will I won't make you, but the odds of you getting better on your own are slim.  It's your choice."  Taking a deep breath, he continued, "Are you going through with this?"  I could see the pleading in his eyes.

Trying to work through the headache, I tried to rethink my options.  The headache made it difficult.  If I were to fail in getting better, I could lose everything.  I could get better on my own, but it was more of a gamble.  I could barely think through the consequences of my actions.  In the end, I decided to go with the decision I made earlier when I didn't feel like my brain was bleeding out of my ears.  “I'll go."

"Hey, I'm really proud of you.  We will work through this."  Nico said before I turned in my paperwork and said goodbye.

"Follow me," Travis said, and I followed him into what looked like a conference room. "So I'm going to ask you the intake questions, and then we can go from there.  Did you bring any drugs or alcohol with you?"

"No."  Why were these lights so bright?

"Did you bring anything that could harm yourself or others?"

"No."  These questions were starting to feel familiar.  Yay, psych ward.

"Do you have any intention of harming yourself or others?"

"No." Gosh, I feel sick.

"Drugs you are addicted to?" That question got my full attention.  I'm not sure I have fully come to terms with the word addicted.

"Oxycodone"

"Recent average time between uses?"

"2 days." Ugh.

"Are you experiencing any withdrawal symptoms?"

"Such as?"

"Headache, nausea, shaking, anxiety, cravings, etc."

"Headache, nausea, and cravings"

"Sorry that bites.  How long since you last used"

"5 days."  Again, why are these lights so bright?

"How long have you been having withdrawal symptoms?"

"It started last night."

"Anything else I should know?"

"I went back to cutting for the first time in 3 years, 5 days ago, before ODing."

"Sorry to hear that.  I'll note it in your file.  I'll take you to the detox room you'll stay in until your withdrawal symptoms subside.  You're in for a rough few days.  Sorry.  Getting through this is the worst part."

Notes:

Please comment if you want the story to come out faster! Otherwise see you in one to two weeks.

Chapter 13: Day 3 Roomate

Notes:

Your lovely comments made me want to post faster!

The first few days were a blur of headaches and vomiting. After that things started to get better.  Rehab was a lot like the psych ward. There was therapy, group therapy, and creative free time.

On the third morning of my stay here I finally stopped feeling like I was dying and left the detox rooms to be greeted by a far too chipper teenager.

“Hi I’m Vanessa, Venus Legacy. Since you’re out of the detox rooms I assume you have gotten past withdrawals. Now you can get on with your life.”

I looked at her like she had three heads.  I was stuck here for another 27 days.  This wasn’t exactly moving on with my life.

“Don’t give me that look. Withdraws are the worst of it.  Now you just have to figure out how to live without the drugs or alcohol.  I don’t know your vice.  Since you have joined the rest of us I figured I would introduce myself and show you around.

I know you’ve had your meals brought to you, but now you can eat with the rest of us in the dining area to your right. The common room is here. The hallway to the right is where your room will be and to the hallway to the left is where we all go to individual therapy. 

Before drugs changed my personality for the worse I was told I was aggressively friendly.  I’d like to think that I’m getting back to being who I was.  I was also told that it comes off as flirting.  I’m aro and have no interest in you or anyone else.  I find the disclaimer helpful so no one is confused.

I’m here for Amphetamines and can finally see the light at the end of this very long tunnel.  So what’s your addiction?”

This overly friendly maybe 15-year-old asked me what I was addicted to without judgment.  That was new.  Also I still internally winced at the term addiction.  While as a medic I could tick off the boxes that classify me as a person with an addiction, emotionally I wasn’t up to facing I had a problem at this second.  I guess I paused for too long when Katelyn said, “I’m sorry.  Sometimes I get ahead of myself.  I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.  I get not everyone is ready to face their problems head-on when they get here.”  She then grimaced, “I certainly wasn’t. My dad dragged me here against my will. There is no nice way of putting it. I had turned into a total brat and needed help but didn't want it. If you aren't up to facing your problems it's okay.”

"Really? I thought that was the whole reason we were here is to face our problems and get better."  I said confused

"If you're there great!  If you're not don't worry this place has a way of making you get there.  Do you know who your therapist is?"  Vanessa said.

"Nope."

"Well if you have the unfortunate pleasure of having Travis be prepared to not get away with anything.  He can tell if someone is lying." Vanessa whispered like it was a secret.

"I guess I don't know if that would be good or bad.  Probably good."

"It helped me get around to the truth faster than I would have otherwise but it hurt."  She said with a grimace.

After Vanessa's introduction, Travis came over and showed me to my room.

"Hi, I'm Ron, son of Hermes,"  My roommate said.  He seemed to be a kid about 13 with shaggy red hair and blue eyes.

"Your Greek?"

"Yes, what of it?"  He looked a little defensive.

"Nothing. I just didn't expect to find anyone else Greek here.  I'm Will, son of Apollo, also Greek.  Did you come from Camp Half-Blood?"

"Yes."

"How did you end up here?"

"Mr. D. said I could either come here or go back to my mom's.  My mom is alright, but my stepdad is not.  I would go anywhere first before going there, even if I don't belong here."

"Why did Mr. D send you here if you don't need to be here?"

"He said I had a problem with alcohol.  I just blacked out after a few Hermes parties and he found scotch in my bunk."

"Not to burst your bubble, but if the god of wine thinks you have a problem you probably do."

"Thanks, you sound like my siblings."  He said with an eye roll.

"You are like 13."

"I'm 14." He interrupted irritated

"You shouldn't even be drinking."

"I'm guessing you never went to a party or got in trouble at camp Mr. Goodie Two Shoes"

"I did enough to get myself sent to a psych ward, so don't assume you know me."

He looked taken aback.  "I'm sorry.  You're right I don't know you, and I shouldn't assume.  What are you in here for anyways?"

I decided that unlike my stay in the psych ward, I wasn't going to waste time denying that I had a problem.  I wanted to get out of here and have a better life.  "Oxy addiction."  Just because I was coming to terms with what I did didn't mean that I didn't wince at the term addiction.  I still held plenty of shame associated with that word.  "How long have you been here?"

"A week."

"Sounds like both of us have a long few weeks ahead of us."

"We need to get going.  Group is in 5 minutes.  Everyone has to say something so don't bother thinking you can just sit and listen."

We then both headed to the common area.

 

Notes:

Rather stark contrast between Ron and Kyle don't you think? Was his roommate what you expected? If there are enough comment I'll post earlier!

Chapter 14: Day 4 Therapy

Notes:

Why not? An extra chapter this weekend for all of you lovelies who commented!

Group therapy was okay. Fortunately, the only thing that I had to do was introduce myself. The next day, I started individual therapy. I walked into my therapist's office to find Travis.

"Hey Will, unless you have an objection I'll be your therapist while you are here."

"Why would I object?" I asked genuinely curious.  Travis seemed like a perfectly nice person.

"My gift can make people uncomfortable.  You'll get more out of therapy because you can't skate around the truth, but that also means I may have you own up to something you aren't ready to face yet."

"You don't make me uncomfortable.  I think I can handle it."

"Great. I have your paperwork and file here.  It has notes from your last two therapists.  While I have read these I would prefer you tell me about yourself and anything you deem important.  When did you start doing drugs?

"When I was 12"

"Why?"

"I wanted to stop seeing my brother's death on a loop.  I don't have that problem anymore, and I stopped doing drugs 2 weeks after I started."

"Well, since you overdosed it would seem you went back to them at some point.  Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Up until a few months ago, I had been clean.  I bought Adderal from a classmate to study for my organic chemistry exam.  Then I had some of my worst nightmares and bought oxy to cope."

"What were the nightmares about?"

"Different things.  The main ones being Tartarus, watching people I was close to dying, and my close friends and family throw my insecurities back in my face."

"Were these nightmares new?"

"No, I had versions of them all before."

"What was different this time?"

"There was no break, and I wasn't using cutting to cope.  I couldn't sleep without seeing some horror.  The Tartarus ones where Nico dies and I'm left alone were particularly horrible."  I was starting to panic at the memory.

"I'm sorry to hear that.  Demigod nightmares are some of the worst.  Based on your file your trauma is worse than most.  Are you still having those nightmares?"

"On bad days." I was trying to calm down and it was slowly working.

"Besides drugs and cutting how did you usually deal with them?"

"Deep breathing, remembering that it isn't real, crying, getting distracted, or trying to find something to root me to reality.  It doesn't work so well when the dreams are just replays of reality.  I typically just have to wait for the panic and overwhelming feeling to pass."

"It sounds like you know what to do.  Why didn't you do that and instead did drugs?"

"I was afraid it wouldn't end."  That was mostly true, hopefully enough for Travis.

Travis narrowed his eyes. "I don't think so.  You didn't outright lie but something isn't right."

Wanting to know exactly what I was dealing with I asked, "Can you detect lies of omission?"

"Not exactly, but I can tell something is wrong," Travis replied. I guess I clued him into my lie.

I guess there was no escaping the absolutely brutal truth then.  I guess if a lie of omission is detectable, then I wasn't getting away with hiding jack like Vanessa said.  "I was sick of fighting.  I had already done drugs.  I'd already dug my grave what was the problem if it was just a little deeper?  I also wanted to get high.  It seemed like a good enough excuse."

"Is that why you continued doing drugs? What does it matter if I do a little bit more?”

“For a while.”

“And?”

I mumbled, “Then I was craving it and couldn’t stop.” 

"Why do you want to quit now?"

"Not dying of an overdose would be nice, but mainly because I will lose everything if I don't quit."

"How do you feel about your life the last few months on drugs?"

“It’s complicated.”

“Well then try to describe some of it.”

“I hated lying to Nico and everyone else.  Also, I wouldn't say I liked the effect it had on my grades.   It was a hard semester.  I imagine attending more than one lecture high didn’t help.”

“I imagine not.  Any other feelings?”

Looking down I admitted, “I liked being high.  My problems could take a back seat, and I could be happy for a little while.”

"Were you not happy without the drugs?"

"I was but there was always something bothering me - grades, if Nico was going to catch on, or wanting to cut even after years of being clean.  When I was high none of that stuff mattered."

"Did it solve anything?"

"No.  It just delayed the problem or made it worse."

"Well, our time is up.  Let's pick this up tomorrow or you can talk about it in group."

"Thanks."

Notes:

As you see comments get you chapters faster!

Chapter 15: Day 7 That's Not Good

Notes:

Thanks for the comments! Enjoy!

I walked back into my room to see where Ron was since I hadn't seen him all morning. I found Ron asleep. "Ron, I know its a Saturday, but you have to at least have lunch. Wake up."

Nothing. I decided to say it a little louder as I was organizing my side of the room quickly "Dude, this isn't cool. I may not be a medic at the moment for obvious reasons, but still, I know that you have to eat."

Nothing. At this point, I was getting annoyed. Why was I stuck with a lazy 14-year-old as a roommate?  I decided to shake him, and when I got no response I got worried.  Rubbing my knuckles on his sternum got no reaction. "Shit."  No one sleeps through that.  I hit the code blue button in our room for emergencies.  I vaguely hear the code being called on the speakers.  I did a quick vital check.  Then I checked his eyes. His pupils were pinpoints. A few seconds later the room was full of staff.

"I don't know what, but he is on something and I can't wake him."

"Thanks, Will. Go to the lunch room and we will update you later." Dr. Row, the physician of the rehab, said.

I was completely worried as I was leaving.  Was Ron going to be okay?  Sure he was annoying because he didn't think he needed to be here, but I didn't want him to die.  I would bet good money that he overdosed.  If he would come back from that was unknown.

Word about what happened to Ron spread like wildfire.  By the time lunch ended, everyone knew that at least something major had happened in my room.  Since I was in the lunch room it was easy to put two and two together and assume it had to do with Ron.

I suddenly understood a fraction of how worried Nico must have been when I ODed.  I think I owe him another apology for what I did.  Having to wait was brutal.  I was pacing the common room waiting to either see Ron or hear news of what happened.

A few minutes later Travis approached me.  "Will,"

"Is Ron alright?" I asked urgently.

"No, due to confidentiality I can't share what happened, but he has been moved to the medical floor for now.  We need to search your room."

"He overdosed." I saw a look in his eye that said I was right.  Based on my assessment and the fact my room was now being searched, it was easy to put together.

"Do you have any drugs on you or anything else you shouldn't have?" Travis asked.

"Of course not!" I said offended.  The reasonable part of my brain realized it was a reasonable question.  My roommate overdosed and he had to have gotten it from somewhere.

"Good. We can talk more tomorrow."  Travis said before leaving.

It was another 30 minutes before visiting hours started.  My emotions were all over the place.  Ron didn't do drugs.  Why start in rehab?  Was he desperate, and that was all he could find?  As I was ruminating over these questions visiting hours started and Nico came over.

"Are you okay?"  Nico asked with a look of pure concern on his face.  At that point, I started to cry.  It suddenly seemed safe to break down.  "Hey, whoa, I'm right here," Nico said as he hugged me.   After crying my eyes out for a few minutes I could speak again.

"My roommate overdosed.  He's not dead but I was the one that found him.  I can't get any updates on him, and I'm worried.  He wasn't even in here for drugs.  Mr. D. sent him here for alcohol."

"I'm so sorry."

At then Travis came up looking grim.  "Will,"

"Is Ron okay?"  I was suddenly very worried.

"Nothing has changed."

"Is that good?" I asked.

"Yes,"  Travis's expression hasn't changed.  He then held up an a pill bottle.  "We found this under your mattress." 

The look of disappointment on Nico's face was shattering.  Why was this happening in front of Nico?  He already doesn't trust me.

"Those aren't mine; I didn't get them; I haven't taken them; and I didn't give them to Ron.  I've never seen those before." Nico looked tense.

"Okay,"  Travis said before waking away.  I was very glad that Travis could tell I wasn't lying.

I turned to Nico.  He looked unsure but less disappointed.  "Nico, you know Travis would have called me out on lying if I was."

"Do I?  How do I know he wouldn't save that for when you didn't have an audience?  We are still working on reestablishing trust.  I'm going to need you to swear it."

I didn't even hesitate.  "I swear on the Styx everything I just told Travis was true.  I also wanted to say again I'm sorry for using drugs and overdosing.  I got a taste of what you were experiencing while waiting to find out if Ron was going to be okay.  I'm sorry I put you through that."

"I won't say everything is okay, but we are getting there."

We ended up making small talk the rest of the time Nico was there.  We avoided all of the important topics, like our relationship, or my previous drug use.  It was uncomfortable and felt like walking on eggshells.

After Nico left Vanessa came up to me, "So that's the boyfriend.  Are you two okay?  That honestly looked painfully awkward."

"No, we really are not.  I broke his trust, and I don't know how to fix it.  We've been dating for 4 years, and for the first time, I'm completely lost."

"Have you apologized?"  She asked sincerely.

"Yes, but I don't think that's enough to fix what I did.  What made it more awkward was Travis asked me if a pill bottle was mine in front of Nico."

"Wow, that couldn't have been worse timing.  I'm sorry I don't have better advice.  I became a mess who alienated all of my friends.  I only have a few sisters who talk to me at this point, and they are still mad.  My relationship with my dad is rocky but he visits sometimes."

"That is rough.  Hopefully, things will get better." I said sincerely.

"Yeah," She said looking sad.  Looking more upbeat she said, "If you and Nico want to work it out you will."

"I hope so," I said more unsure.

 

Chapter 16: Day 9 There is always a step back.

I was outside my dorm when Lee came up to me, "You're a disgrace.  I didn't train you to get high."

Michael was next, "What were you thinking? Getting fully hooked on oxy. You knew better."

Chiron looked grimly disappointed, "What a waste of talent.  You will never be a good doctor. Hades, you won't even be allowed after this." Chiron said before he left.

"If you were a better healer you could have saved me," Lee said.

That is when I piped it, "There was nothing I could have done."  Begging him to understand

"You are a poor example to your siblings.  I never did anything to be a bad example." Michael said as he stormed off.

Nico came up to me but didn't have his usual smile for me.  "I'm not dating an addict. We are over." Nico said before shadow traveling away

It was then I woke up with tears running down my cheek. I guess I had been crying in my sleep.

"Man, are you okay?" Ron said as he got a look at my face.  Speaking to me for the first time since he had gotten back from the med floor.  He hadn't felt up to talking last night when he got back.

"No.  Horrid nightmare," Without putting enough thought into what I was about to ask I said desperately, "Were there any drugs they didn't find?" Ron narrowed his eyes at me. He was deep in thought, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He had only gotten back from the medical floor yesterday. Was asking insensitive? Was he going to go tell Travis or one of the other counselors that I had asked? I shouldn't have said anything. "Never mind forget I-"

"Why?" He said with a calculating look.

"I want some. It's been two weeks. I just got berated by my dead brothers in my dreams. I've had enough. Do you have them or not?"

"I don't have any.  I could get you some, but I won't."

"Why?" I asked desperate.

"You're not thinking about the conversation you will have to have with Nico.  I heard you in group.  He means more to you than anyone, and you're on the brink of losing him.  When you are thinking more clearly, you want to get better and get out of here.  I'm here and you're here because we have a problem and need help. You're sober. Think about it; are you willing to lose the love of your life over a nightmare?

"I thought you didn't think you belonged here." I countered trying to poke some hole in his logic.

"That was before I went out of my mind craving alcohol, and OD on the first substance I could find!" He said with a huff. Then in a much smaller voice said, "I have a problem.  I refuse to add to yours."

Ron was right.  Not words I ever thought I would say but he was.  "I hate that you're right."

"Well, being the voice of reason is new to me too,"  Ron said.  "I'm the one normally encouraging bad behavior."

"As hypocritical as it sounds, I'm normally the voice of reason.  Would you mind not telling anyone I asked?"

"I won't, but you should.  Being honest is a big part of recovering."  I gave him a surprised look.  "What? Just because I didn't think that this all applied to me didn't mean I wasn't paying attention."

Before group therapy, I decided to see if I could talk to Travis.

"Hey Travis," I said as I walked into his office.

"Hey yourself.  What's up?"

"Do you have time to talk?"

"Sure.  What is on your mind?"

I guess own up to it now or never at all.  "I woke from a bad dream and asked my roommate if he had any more drugs so I could have some.  He of course didn't have any.  I miss getting high.  Today has been kind of hard."

"Anything set this off besides the nightmare?"

"This is the longest I've gone without getting high, and it is getting to me."

"How so?"

"I feel like I need drugs.  I need to get high to feel normal."  Well, that's one surefire sign of addiction.  I guess I should start to come to terms with that word since it's... accurate.

"You know that isn't true.  You're perfectly capable of living a full and productive life without drugs.  Since nightmares seem to be such a big trigger for you let's work on something to help mitigate your instant draw to drugs to calm yourself.  Regardless of if you have a nightmare, I want you to get into the habit of doing 5 minutes of deep breathing the moment you wake up.  In through the nose for 4 seconds out through the mouth for 6 seconds."

"How can that help?"  I asked honestly slightly annoyed at the simple suggestion.

"Well once you get into the habit it will become natural for you to do that after nightmares without having to to go through the process of finding a coping mechanism.  That should give your brain enough time to calm down an adjust so you don't immediately turn to drugs.  Are you willing to try that?"

"Forgive me for the assumption- I thought I was in here to do what I was told in the promise that it would fix me.  I didn't think I had a choice in any of this."

"First of all, we don't need to fix you.  We need to fix your habits.  There is a difference.  Second, you always have a choice in your treatment plan.  If you don't think something will work for you you should speak up.  This isn't follow the right path and you are cured in 30 days.  If you haven't figured it out by now that temptation isn't going to go away.  It's all a matter of how you handle it.  Overtime that temptation will become weaker the more you starve it, but it may not entirely go away."

"That's a depressing thought."

"It will get better.  So what do you think of the deep breathing exercise?"

"Well, there is no harm in trying."

"That's at least an attitude I can work with."

"Anything else you want to talk about?"

"Not at the moment,"

"Then I will talk to you later."

Going back to the common room I looked for Vanessa.  I had wanted to talk to her yesterday but she disappeared after visiting hours.  I found her in the corner of the room with puffy eyes.

"Hey,"  I said as I came up to her.

"Hey yourself." She said with a sniffle.

"Are you okay?  You seem upset, and you seemed upset during visiting hours yesterday."

"My older sister asked me not to come to her wedding.  I mean I get it.  I made a fool of myself at her engagement party.  I showed up on drugs."  She looked ashamed.  "I think I even had said something about marriage being an outdated institution and everyone would be better off without it.  I don't even believe that.  I wish my life wasn't such a wreck.  I think I'm going to be cleaning up my mess for quite some time."

"Doesn't she see that you have worked hard and changed?"

"She thinks it's just an act so I can get out of here."  She said sadly.

"Ouch."

"Yeah, I'll be okay though.  If you don't mind I think I'm going to go find a book to get my mind off of this."

"Good luck."

Chapter 17: Day 10 Kyle

Notes:

I wasn't planning on updating till Saturday but there were these nice comments so I didn't wait.

I was sitting in the common room bored. It was Tuesday afternoon so I was watching everyone else having visitors. Ron wasn't visiting with anyone but that wasn't surprising. Vanessa was having a conversation with someone. Based on previous comments about who was still talking to her I imagine it was her sister. Based on body language it looked like Vanessa was having a hard time. She looked like she was about to burst into tears and not the good kind. I would have to ask her about it when her guest left.

Tired of people watching I decided to go back to my room. I could maybe see if Ron was interested in a board game to pass the time. As I was almost the hallway of rooms to my surprise I saw Kyle.

"Kyle, what are you doing here? Don't you have class?" I said as I hugged him. We then went to sit on one of the sofas in the common room. I was extremely happy to see a familiar face.

"Normally I do, but it was canceled. Sorry, I can't normally visit. Between work and class, I'm always busy during visiting hours." Kyle said apologetically.

"That's fine. I was the one who got myself stuck in this situation. It seems only right that not everyone can visit." I said looking sad because this was all my fault.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You got in over your head." Kyle said with a look that said that wasn't exactly what he wanted to say.

"I know I did. It looked like you wanted to say something else or something more." I gave him an inquisitive look.

"I love you, and I need you to get better. For your sake and my own. Watching you return to your bad habits makes me want to return to mine."  He said not making eye contact.  "Sorry, I didn't want to make this about me. You have enough on your plate."  Kyle said trying to dismiss what he said.

"How are you doing anyway?  I've been trapped in my self-centered bubble since this whole disaster started.  After last year I said I'd check in with you to make sure you were okay.  I guess once I started to do drugs again I forgot my responsibilities towards other people."

"I'm managing.  I started going back to therapy 2 weeks ago."

"Is it helping?"  It was then that I noticed a clean cut across his wrist peeking out under his long-sleeved shirt. I immediately grabbed it. "Dude, what the hell?"

"Chill Will. This is from my new cat." He rolled up his sleeves to show lots of marks that looked like cat scratches. I relaxed instantly.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly.

"Hey, if I'd seen the same on you I would have done the same thing."  He said with a chuckle assuring me this wasn't a big deal.  "As far as if therapy is helping, it is and isn't.  I haven't gone back to my eating disorder, but my mom has been trying to contact me again.  Even without reading them just getting a letter in the mail makes me want to vomit."

"I'm so sorry.  She really is a piece of work. I thought she had given up when you stopped replying."

"She started again at the beginning of the year.  Dad says to ignore them so that's what I'm doing. Anyway, how are things in here?"

"Rough. Do you remember Travis from the psych ward?"

"Yeah, why?"

"He is now my therapist. Imagine therapy where it is impossible to get away with even a lie of omission."

The look of shock on his face was priceless.  "That would suck.  I mean I can see the good to but dang.  Is it as bad as I imagine?"

"Yes, he gave me the option when we started to see someone else but I decided against it.  I don't think that was a mistake, but having to face that I went back to oxy because I wanted to get high and was sick of fighting my demons and only used nightmares as a way to justify it to myself was a lot to handle."

"Brutally honest therapy. Ekk."

"My roommate also overdosed.  I found him passed out in our room.  He just recently got back from the med floor."  Kyle's eyes looked like they were going to bulge out of his head.

"Are you okay?  I know finding someone like that can really mess you up."

"Honestly, I'm confused more than anything.  His thing wasn't even pills."

"I know we have never talked much about my time in the psych ward before you got there.  I had a roommate who was struggling with cutting before you.  I helped him cover up his cutting once.  I still feel guilty.  I found him dead during my third week there.  It messed me up for a while.  Nightmares still come up about it."  Kyle said with a shiver.

"I'm so sorry that happened.  I remember you mentioning something about that after you turned me in.  We just never talked about it."

"The trauma was still pretty fresh then.  I wouldn't talk about it unless it was in therapy or necessary.  So if you're not alright from finding your roommate overdosing I understand."

"Okay, I'm not super okay with it.  Sure, he wasn't my favorite person, but I didn't want that to happen to him.  It also made me feel extremely guilty.  That was the torture I put Nico, Percy, and Jason through.  I haven't even talked to Percy and Jason since then.  I don't know if they are too pissed at me to talk to me or what."

"They will come around.  They're your friends."

"I hope so."

"Sorry to have to leave on this note, but if I don't leave now I'll miss my next class."

"Thanks for coming! It means the world to me."

"I'll come anytime I can, but don't count on seeing me again.  Busy with classes and work you know."

"Of course, bye."

"Bye"

Chapter 18: Day 11

"So I heard Kyle visited today. How did that go?" Travis said as we started therapy.

"Could have gone better.  He said he looks up to me, and me indulging in my bad habit makes him want to indulge in his."

"It's hard disappointing someone who looks up to you."  He said with compassion.

"Why would he look up to me though?

"Are you so surprised he could look up to you?"

"What is there to look up to?"

"Well besides your determination, love for your family, and overall good attitude towards others, before this..." He seemed to be searching for the right words.

"Let's call it what it is, a royal failure."

"Okay. Before this royal failure, you were clean of drugs and cutting for a very long time. That isn't something to be overlooked because you had a set back."

"But I failed in spectacular fashion. No one trusts me anymore. Everyone keeps telling me how much I disappointed them, and if I have to hear it one more time I'm going to scream." I said with frustration. I felt like I snapped. "I don't want everyone to keep looking at me like I'm broken. The only person who hasn't regarded me that way is Nico. That's because he is too stuck on not trusting me. I get it. I do, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this place because all it does is remind me of how badly I failed. I want to leave.

"How long have you been waiting to say that? Everyone eventually wants to say that." Travis asked with a smile.

"A while now. I know their disappointment makes sense. I deserve it, but I'm working to get better."

"Rebuilding everything back to where it was will take time. Just because you are sober now and in treatment doesn't mean you are forgiven."  Travis sighed, "As far as wanting to get out of here goes you can leave if you want. You are an adult and you voluntarily checked yourself in here." He briefly paused before continuing, "I wouldn't recommend it.  You've been here 11 days.  In those 11 days, you already asked for drugs.  You need to be here."

"I can't leave.  I'm pretty sure Nico would walk if I did."  I said looking down.

"Are you here for him or for you?"  Travis asked with a knowing gaze.

"I only agreed to come here because of him,"  I said realizing the truth.

"And now?"

"I want to get better, so I guess I'm here for me."

"You don't sound too sure, and that didn't sound like the entire picture," Travis said.

"I want to get better, but I feel trapped here because I didn't want to come in the first place.  I also don't really want to stay, but I can see the possible consequences of leaving.  Some of those scare me."

"Like what?"  Travis said obviously pleased that he didn't have to push harder for the full truth.

"Overdosing for one.  It would be such a waste.  I have much better things to do with my life than drugs."

Travis gave the biggest smile I had ever seen him give.  "Will, that's real progress."

"Admitting that I don't want to die?" I was confused.

"Seeing that drugs aren't necessary.  Admitting that you have better things to do than drugs.  That's a far cry from a few days ago when you said you felt like you needed drugs to be normal.  What else scares you?"

"Seeing my dealer again.  We are in the same major so it is impossible to entirely avoid her.  I'm scared I'll start using again."  I then said in a smaller voice, "I'm scared I'll lose Nico"

"Reasonable things to be concerned about.  We should think about a plan for you when you want to use it once you leave here."

Sarcastically I said, "Here I was thinking that I'd be cured when I left here."

"Good sense of humor, but seriously you do need a plan."

"I'm all for suggestions.  If I had a plan I would have already used it to get myself out of this mess."  I said frustrated.  Sometimes I still couldn't believe what I let my life turn into.

"While this isn't something that would help the very second you're tempted you could go to Narcotics Anonymous."

I think my brain skidded to a stop.  NA was for people with addiction and I'm... "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I... uh... I'm not...uh..."

"Let me stop you right there.  Will, are you not comfortable saying you have an addiction?  Have you ever said it?"

"Um...I've said something close to that maybe three times."

"But never outright said you have an addiction."

"I may have said it once when I was apologizing to Nico"

"Did you say that because you believe you have an addiction, or were you saying it to give Nico what he wanted?  Do you think you have an addiction to drugs?"

There was the question I had a hard time facing head-on.  Sure, I could say I had a problem, and things got out of control, but an addiction.  Was I an addict?  Was that what described my problem?  At times I had thought things like 'that's a sign of addiction' or that 'addiction was an accurate description' but was that really true?  I was a medic.  I could diagnose someone with an addiction.  Could I diagnose myself?  Going through the list of symptoms in my head it painted a clear picture.  I buried my head in my hand and groaned.  Travis said nothing the entire time I was thinking which I appreciated.

"Yes," I paused to take a deep breath.  "I have an oxycodone addiction."

"So why can't you go to an NA meeting?"

"I don't have a reason not to, I guess. Would it actually help?  Do those even exist in New Rome?"

"You're not the only one with problems.  There are several NA meetings.  I'll get you a list before you finish your stay with us.  I do think it would really help."

"Okay, can we stop here for today? I'm exhausted."

"Therapy can be exhausting.  Go get some sleep."

Notes:

Please give thoughts and feedback. If there is enough interest I'll post on Wednesday.

Chapter 19: Day 12 Gracie

Sitting in the common room was boring but so was sitting in my room. At least this way I could people-watch. I was contemplating taking a nap when I heard a familiar, "Will!" I was then face-to-face with Gracie of all people.

"What are you doing here?!" I asked completely bewildered.

"The Summer/Fall exchange program with the legion. Remember? I told you about a month ago. I'm going to be here till the year ends." She said while smiling.

"Oh, sorry I forgot." Gosh, I have no memory of that. Did she tell me that when I was high? How many other things did I miss? "How did you know to find me here?"

"Well, I had gone to your dorm room first, where I was greeted by Nico. He told me you checked yourself into rehab, but he wouldn't tell me anything else except the location and visiting time.  He said that you need to tell me what happened.  So what happened?" Gracie asked still not losing her perky attitude. It left me feeling far more at ease even though I knew my story would probably break her heart.

I then told her the story of how I got hooked on drugs for the second time and overdosed along with cutting my clean streaking from cutting short. As I was telling the story smile got progressively smaller and smaller until it turned into a look of concern and worry.

When I finished she hugged me and said, "Will, I'm just glad you're okay and getting help."

"I figured you would have been mad at me," I said surprised. "No one has taken the news this well."

"Well, it helps that you're telling me this story while you're getting help.  I don't have exactly anything I want you to do besides what you are already doing.  I also had a long walk from the dorms to get my head around the fact you have a serious problem that required rehab. I didn't think you were here for fun.  I don't know if I would have reacted the same way one day after your OD when you had no plan." Gracie's expression then turned sheepish. As she scratched the back of her neck she said, "I'd also feel bad for judging, since I had a setback with my eating disorder a few months ago. I'm mostly better now but still working on regaining the weight I lost."

I looked at her a bit startled. After she stayed in the psych ward for a few months the only thing she had done was get better. I guess I had been silent for too long, because she interrupted my train of thought, "Please don't be mad." she said in a small voice.

"It was a setback. Of course, I'm not mad! What happened?  Who all in the family knows?" I said trying to pour as much love as I could into my words so she would know they were sincere.

"Austin, Kayla, Kyle, and the current inhabitants of Cabin 7.  I IM Kyle, Austin, and Kayla and figured I would tell you when I got here.  You having relapsed was a surprise.  As for what happened it was stupid really," Gracie said trying to dismiss the issue.

"If it got you to go back to your eating disorder it definitely wasn't stupid," I said seriously.

"Okay, well there was this year round Demeter girl who had been bullying me for a while at camp and started making comments about my weight. It really got to me. I lost about 15 lb. before Yan noticed something was seriously wrong and dragged me to the infirmary. Roxy did a full workup, gave me a nutrition plan, and sent me to Holly. Chiron ended up reprimanding the Demeter girl for bullying, and I slowly worked on getting better. It was just a few comments. It shouldn't have taken me out like that. I told you it was stupid." Gracie said looking sad.

"Hey," I said trying to get her full attention back after she stopped making eye contact. "Those types of comments can really hurt, even if they are not true. I'm glad you're getting better, and I'm happy you told me."

"We're family. If I can't trust you who can I trust?" She said with a small smile. "So enough about me. Nico seemed out of sorts when I talked to him. Are you two okay?"

"Not really. I lied to him for weeks, so he rightfully doesn't trust me. I think I got really close to losing him over the lying more so than the drug use. I am pretty sure if I hadn't checked myself in we might be broken up right now. Once I get out of here there is going to be a lot of work to get us back to where we were, if that is even possible. I'm not entirely convinced that's even what Nico wants anymore.

My roommate overdosed and hid the pills under my mattress. Travis, my therapist, confronted me about it right in front of Nico. Even though they weren't mine I could tell that Nico definitely thought they were when Travis came up. My denial didn't totally convince him either. I had to swear it before he would believe me."

"That's really rough. I hope you work it out. I understand why his trust in you is broken. Have you two talked about what happens when you get out of here?"

"It will be another 2 weeks before I can move back into the dorms for the fall semester, so I'm moving back to my mom's house for those two weeks before the fall semester starts again."

"I'm glad you have a plan for where you are going to be staying, but that wasn't what I was asking.  What I meant to say was what happens to your relationship with Nico when you get out of here?  Are you two going to be starting over?  Will you two still room together?  What's going to be different than it was before your ODed?"

"I don't know.  I've only seen him once since I have been in here and the pill bottle situation made it awkward.  I'm honestly afraid to ask.  I still want to live with him but not if he is going to be using that as a way to monitor if I've gone back on our agreement."

"What agreement?"

"If I do drugs I have to tell him.  I'm not planning on doing them again, but if I did."

"Are you planning on going back on that even if you do relapse?"  She asked surprisingly without judgment.

"Of course not.  I've broken his trust enough."  I said in a defeated tone.

"Then what exactly is the problem?" 

"I don't want to live with someone, or date someone for that matter, who is looking for a reason not to trust me.  We survived Tartarus, but this is the thing I don't know if we survive." I said with a humorless laugh.

"I'm sorry things are so up in the air.  You should talk to him next time you see him about what he wants going forward and what you want."

"When did you get so wise?"  I ask teasing.

"Well I do have an older brother I get it from."  She said giggling.

Notes:

Please Comment!

Chapter 20: Day 14 Are we going to make it?

Notes:

For the nice comments here is another update!

It was Saturday visiting hours again.   I was dreading telling Nico about asking for drugs, but if I was going to make this work I had to put in the effort and be honest about how I wasn’t coping that well.  When I walked into the common room he was already there and greeted me with a smile that just made me feel guilty.

"Hey," Nico greeted.

"Hey,"  We then took a seat in an area of the common room with not a lot of people.

"So last time you were here we didn't talk about anything of significance aside from me reassuring you that I hadn't smuggled in drugs.  Whether that was by accident or design I don't really care but I have something important to talk to you about.  Are we able to do that?

"Of course.  You can tell me anything."  You say that now...

"I asked my roommate for drugs because I had a nightmare and couldn't handle it.  I also wasn't really handling being without drugs for this long.  I've already talked to my therapist about it, and we have a plan of how to better handle the nightmares.  I'm still working on changing my mental thought process from I need drugs to function to not."  Nico's facial expression just stayed neutral this entire time and the pause was a bit too long for comfort.  "Are you going to break up with me?"

"No," more silence.

"Gods say something!"  I exclaimed in frustration.

Nico's face contorted into one of indecision.  He took a deep breath and then started. "I don't know how to do this.  I want to figure out a way to support you in getting better, but I don't know how.  I know we aren't in a good place but that doesn't mean I'm not here for you.  I'm not mad about you asking for drugs."  I gave him a surprised look.  "Don't look so surprised.  I never got pissed when you cut.  I know you're trying.  I know I also said some things that made it seem like you needed to be able to be perfect in your recovery to keep our relationship, and I see now that it was an unrealistic expectation.  As long as you're trying and honest with me we can work it out.  I understand addiction is a real thing.  As much as you hate to admit it you have an addiction.  That isn't going to go away overnight if at all.  You need to learn to live with the temptation, and it's going to take some time to get there.  Even here, you can always IM me if the temptation gets to be too much.  I'll listen and help as best I can."

"You are being far more understanding than I was giving you credit for."

"What can I say?  I'm full of surprises." Nico said to lighten the mood.

"Also I wanted to talk about what does our relationship look like after I get out of here."

"Okay."

"When I get back from my mom's house and move back for the semester do you want to live together?  I can understand if you want space.  If we do decide to live together I want it to be because we both want to and not because you think I need to be watched."

"I know we are not in the same place that we were before this whole situation, but you are slowly winning back my trust.  I'm not sure I want to live with you while we are rebuilding the trust in our relationship.  Can I take the week and think about it though?  Also, I was wondering if there was a portion of you that didn't trust me to handle this?  Even when you wanted to get better you didn't trust me enough to tell me what you had done until you were forced.  Am I being self-centered and this had nothing to do with me or not?"

"Of course, you can take the week.  I'm not sure if living together is the best idea either.  As far as me trusting you goes I guess that's true in some part since I didn't tell you."  Nico looked hurt.  "It wasn't a thing about you in particular though; I didn't trust anyone.  I just had the most to lose with you.  I was worried about how you would react.  I was afraid that you would leave."

"You should have trusted that I would have wanted to help.  I didn't flip and leave when I found out about your cutting.  This wouldn't have been any different.  I think I should have more than earned that by this point."

"I'm sorry.  I got it in my head that no one would want to stay if they knew.  Even when Holly told me that it wasn't true, and I should have told someone I didn't believe her."

"How often did you talk to Holly?"

"Maybe three times throughout the semester.  The first time was just to see if I could get my bracelet back to gold.  I didn't want to quit.  I wasn't ready.  I don't even remember what we talked about the second time.  I think she said something to the effect of 'call her when I was serious about wanting to quit or don't call'.  I did deserve that.  I called her a few days before overdosing asking her what I should do to quit.  The first thing she wanted me to do was tell someone, even my dad, but I couldn't do it.  I'm sorry."

"Even if I wouldn't have made the same choice I get why you used drugs to study.  I also get using drugs to help with the nightmares, but why did you keep using drugs?  Can you please help me understand?"

"I talked to Travis about why I started using oxy and why I kept using it.  The truth is I only used the nightmares as an excuse.  I really was just sick of fighting against the temptation, I wanted to get high, and I knew I was already in trouble.  What was the harm in just a little bit more?  I kept using that logic until I got to the point where I was craving it and couldn't stop."

"Did you ever think of asking for help from me or anyone else besides Holly?"

"There were times I almost told you then backed out at the last second.  If I was going to tell someone it was going to be you."  We sat there in an uneasy silence for a few minutes until I had the courage to ask the question I had been wanting to ask. "Are we going to be able to work through this?  I know I did a lot of things wrong.  You said that even if I got help it might not be enough.  I've been too worried about the answer to ask."

Nico sat and thought about his answer for a minute.  Not an immediate answer of 'we would be okay' wasn't promising.  "I'm not trying to punish you by not giving you an answer either way.  If I didn't think there was a way back from this I would have already called it.  I'm not sure you quite understand how little trust I have in you at the moment, and that's why I can't give a definite answer.  I love you so much and I want this to work so I'm willing to put in the work to get back to where we were as long as you're in this with me."

"Of course I'm in this with you.  I'm willing to put in the work to get better and win back your trust.  I love you, and being in this rough place sucks."

"You are gaining back my trust when you are honest with me about your doing and don't skip details to spare my feelings or to make yourself look better.  I know that sometimes I've seemed judgmental but I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything.  Is there anything you want to talk about that I haven't given you the chance to?"

"While I'm not trying to excuse my behavior I don't think you understand the weight of temptation I was fighting against especially when I was in over my head.  If I'm being completely honest I lost control and was in over my head almost immediately."

"I probably don't understand you're right, but I'm willing to try if you help me.”

We spent the rest of the time talking about nothing too important.  This time it no longer felt like walking on eggshells.  At the end of the visiting hours I felt a little better.  We exchanged ‘I love yous’ and Nico then left after briefly interacting with Ron.

Notes:

Please comment your thoughts! It helps the well of inspiration not go dry!

Chapter 21: Day 16 An Emergency

Notes:

Here is a bonus chapter because there were comments so quickly!

I was in the middle of a lecture when it happened. Will's death aura plummeted into darkness. Since it was so out of the blue I froze for a full 5 seconds before jumping into a shadow to get to the rehab center.

"I need to see William Solace," I told the person at the reception desk.

"I'm sorry but visiting hours are not for a few more hours." She said politely.

"You don't understand this is an emergency."

"I can't let you in.  I don't care the reason."

"I'm the ambassador to Pluto does that give me any say? Did I mention it was an emergency?!" I was fully panicked now.  Checking his death aura Will was defiantly dying now.  How what I supposed to help him when I couldn't see him?

"I don't care who you are. I'm not to let anyone in outside of visiting hours." The receptionist said sternly. By a miracle, it was then that I saw Travis. 

"Travis!" I yelled to get his attention. He fortunately came over. "Do you remember who I am?"

He laughed, "The ambassador to Pluto, the praetor's sister, and the only son of Hades. You're hard to forget."

"As a son of Hades I can see death auras. Will's just got darker.  He is dying.  He has either done something to himself, gotten hurt, or is seriously ill." I said panicked.

"Okay, I can't let you in but I'll figure out what is wrong. Stay in the waiting area, and I'll get back to you."  Travis rushed off.

Every second Will's aura was growing blacker.  Whatever was wrong was very bad and was killing him.  

"Code blue room 7.  Code blue room 7."  The announcement sent a chill down my spine.  I didn't know who's room was 7 but I had a feeling it was Wills.  There was a lot of running after the code was called.  Then nothing.  I had watched enough medical shows with Will to know that a code blue meant nothing good.  I just had to sit and wait for Travis to come back.  Everything would be fine.  Right?

 

Notes:

Short I know.

Chapter 22: Day 17 Hospital Room

Notes:

Thank you for all of the comments. They mean the world to me.

I started pacing the waiting room.  Why couldn't they fix what was killing Will? His death aura was darker than I had ever seen it.  Once the mind splitting migraine started I was really freaking out.  All of my senses said he was dying.  I'd shadow travel to him, but I didn't want to be a distraction to the people who could actually save him.  I was very quickly being faced with a horrible decision.  Was I going to help Will cross over if it came to that?  Was I even strong enough to do that?  I know last time he got this close to death I refused to.  The migraine was getting worse.  He was going to die and sitting here I had no idea why. 

Normally, I wouldn't wait this long to at least go to the dying patient, but it's Will.  I was panicking. Five more seconds and then screw what Travis said I was at least going to be there when Will died.  I could tell by how fast he was dying I had that long at least. One... two... I started crying there was no way this was happening. Three... Four... It stopped.  The migraine was gone.  Will's death aura was steadily getting better.  I started to breath again.  I'm not sure when I stopped.  No one came immediately.  Travis did come back an hour later, but he looked grim.  "You saved his life."

"What happened?! I felt him nearly cross over. I... I... I couldn't." I then entirely broke down.  The weight of what I just went through hit me like a ton of bricks.  I couldn't breath.  It felt like a boa was around my chest. The world was going in and out of focus.

"Nico!" I managed to hear over the sound of rushing blood in my ears. "You're having a panic attack.  Focus on my voice.  Will is going to be fine.  Just breathe."  After a few minutes I came out of it.

"Sorry about that."  I said after I recovered.

"Given your skills if you didn't have a breakdown at some point with what just happened I'd be worried."

Taking a deep breath I said, "So what did happen?"

"He developed a spontaneous collapsed lung."

"How? Was he in a fight?"

"Strangely enough this is something that can happen to tall, and thinner young adults.  No one knows why."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "So, he didn't do this to himself?"

"No, he didn't do anything.  He has been transferred to the general medical floor room 300.  He is going to be fine."

"Thank you." I finally could breathe fully again. "Will this happen again?"

"Unlikely.  It isn't a likely thing to happen in the first place."

I then went to the main floor of the hospital to find room 300.

_____

I'd been sitting/sleeping at Will's bedside for the last 20 hrs when Jason came in.

"How is he doing?" Jason asked.

"The doctors say he should make a full recovery. They released the air that had collapsed his lung. He is going to be under observation for the next three days or so. Then they will transport him back to rehab."

"Dude you look like you need some sleep. You look awful."

"Thanks that makes me feel loads better," I said sarcastically.

"Seriously sleep on that cot. I'll wake you if anything changes."

"Thanks, Jason" I then promptly collapsed on the cot and was out in a moment. I woke a few hours later feeling much better.

"Did anything change?"

"No, the doctors came in and checked some monitors at one point but other than that it's all the same. The doctors said he would probably wake up late tonight or early tomorrow."

"Hopefully it's sooner rather than later. Even though I can sense he isn't dying anymore I would feel better if I could talk to him.  Why do you look so guilty Grace?"

"This is the first time I've seen him since we found him.  I should have visited him." Jason said still looking guilty.

"I figured you had seen him in the hospital while I had stormed off for a day and a half.  Why didn't you visit?  You two are friends." I asked curiously.

"Honestly I couldn't face him.  If I just wouldn't have left he wouldn't have overdosed.  I knew something was definitely wrong, and I left deciding you could deal with it better.  I feel responsible."

"It's not your fault," I said trying to relieve some of Jason's unearned guilt. "Will made his choices.  However terrible they were, they were his decisions, and none of us are responsible."

"When did you get so wise?" Jason said with a chuckle.

"That one I got from therapy. I decided after this whole fiasco it would be worth talking to someone."

"Smart. Have you talked to Will since he asked about living together?"

"No, unless I skip classes I can only visit him on Saturdays,"

"Have you come to a decision?"

"I think we should live apart." I hated my decision.  Living with Will had been amazing.  I had talked in therapy about why I would want to live with him.  I figured out I would be watching Will like a hawk to see if he broke my trust, and that wasn't going to do our relationship any good.

"That's a tough decision. How is your guys' relationship faring? It sounds less than ideal if you aren't wanting to live with him anymore. I know you mentioned that you two were in a bad place."

"We are still in a bad place.  We both love each other, but I don't trust him at all.  He has shown me he is willing to work to get it back.  We both want things to work out and are willing to put in the work.  I just hope that is enough."

"If anyone can figure out a way back from this nightmare it's you two.  Besides Annabeth and Percy, I've never seen two demigods more right for each other."

"Speaking of how is Percy.  I haven't seen him since you two helped me find Will.  Between class, Will, the senate, and therapy I haven't really seen anyone."

"He is swamped with his big marine biology project.  I've barely seen him.  How are you doing?  We haven't really talked too much recently."

"Honestly, I'm not doing well.  I keep having nightmares about Will overdosing, and us not getting there in time.  This entire thing has shaken me pretty badly.  All of my grades have dropped due to stress.  I can't focus.  My therapist says it's a trauma response."

"I'm sorry to hear that.  How often are the nightmares?"

"Every other night or so."

"Have you told Will?"

"No, I don't want him to feel guilty.  If I tell him he will start worrying about me and my grades.  He doesn't need that right now"

"You shouldn't keep this from him.  Even if it makes him feel guilty, he should know.  If you want to make your relationship work, you need to communicate about serious things going on.  Your grades going down because of your nightmares is serious."

"I guess I can talk to him about it."

"Good. Now I need to go get dinner.  Do you want to join?"

"No thanks.  I can't leave him."

"I'll bring you back something."

"Thank you."

Notes:

Please give me comments. They make me want to post more often and write better!

Chapter 23: Night 17

I found myself in a garden having no clue how I got there. Nothing made sense until I saw my dad, and then realized this was a dream.

"Dad!" I said as I hugged him.

"I'm glad you're okay. That’s was terrifying.”

"What happened? The last thing I remember was being rather confident I was dying of a pneumothorax, and couldn't yell for help."

"Nico saw you were dying and rushed to the rehab center. Since he wasn't able to get to you himself he told Travis that you were dying. Travis found you and the doctors started working on saving your life."

"Am I going to be alright?" I asked unsure of my current physical status. I knew how you were in a dream didn't necessarily reflect reality.

"No complications. You should make a fast recovery."

"I probably scared Nico again," I said regretfully.

"This time wasn't your fault. Nico was panicked but calmed down once you weren't dying anymore. He has barely left your side."

"That sounds like him."

"While I am glad you are okay that wasn't the entire reason I called you.  I've been keeping a closer eye on you, and I saw you ask your roommate for drugs."  My face dropped.  "I wanted to talk to you before now I just wasn't able to.  Anything to say?"

I felt like a scolded child.  "I was desperate.  I wanted drugs, and as bad as it is for my life I still want them.  I know I shouldn't but it's hard getting away from them after I got myself addicted to them."

"Well, I suppose that is the nature of addiction.  I also suppose that telling you to try harder is pointless." 

"Yeah, that's about right.  I talked to Travis about asking for drugs.  He at least had a helpful suggestion to try to mitigate how much of a trigger my nightmares are.  I'm going to try it.  I'm working on getting better.  It's just hard."  I said looking at the ground.

"I know.  It's not like I haven't seen addiction before.  Just know I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks, dad," I said as the dream then started to dissolve.

_____

Nico POV:

After falling asleep I was met with a very mad-looking Lord of the Underworld.  "Dad?" I said wondering why I was here, and what I did.

"Why are you failing chemistry?  Actually, why do all of your grades look less than what they should be?  I'd blame it on your healer boyfriend nearly dying if that hadn't just happened.  I am understanding of extenuating circumstances, but from what I can tell this has been going on for weeks."

"Um..." I said scratching the back of my neck.  How exactly was I going to explain this?  "Will started doing drugs again." Hades raised his eyebrows in surprise but said nothing.  "I found out about 3 weeks ago when I had to shadow travel him to the ER for an overdose.  He checked himself into rehab.  He seems serious about getting better, but I don't trust him.  We aren't exactly in a good place.  Since his overdose, I haven't been sleeping well due to nightmares.  I also can't seem to focus on my classes.  I went back to therapy to try to help handle everything.  My therapist thinks it's a trauma response to Will almost dying again.  I understand my grades are my responsibility, and I'll get it together."  I said sheepishly.  I didn't want to make excuses.  My grades were my fault.

"I see." He said looking less mad but more serious. "I'll have a talk with your boyfriend.  Goodbye." 

"Don't-" I tried to say before the dream ended.

_____

Will POV:

I was immediately pulled into another dream.  Tonight wouldn't be restful.  I was met with a stern-looking Hades.  It seemed like kneeling was the safest bet.  I hadn’t needed to in years, but the look on his face made me go for the safest option.  In the end, I made the right call.  He waited a full minute before saying "Rise.  It seems I'm the last to know about your overdose.   Looks like Nico got you to a doctor before you got anywhere too close to my realm." 

Based on the look on Hades' face I was right terrified.  "I talked to Apollo already, and it seems someone has already talked to you about how stupid of a decision you made and how you could have died, so I'll save it.  I have a different matter to discuss with you."  What else could I have possibly done to piss him off so much?  "I'll cut right to the point. Since finding out about your drug habit Nico can't sleep and can't focus.  Because of this he is failing chemistry, and all of his grades have fallen."  That would do it.

"I didn't know," I said surprised.  I had hoped that Nico would have told me if something was wrong, but I guess our relationship wasn't there right now.  I thought bitterly.

"It seems your drug habit didn't just affect you."  I opened my mouth to say something then was cut off.  "I don't want excuses.  You promised you wouldn’t do anything to hurt my son when you started to date." Uh oh.  I already know I hurt Nico.  Where was Hades going with this? “You lied to me.” The room was fridged. “You lied to my son.”  

“I’m sorry Lord Hades, it was never my intention to hurt Nico,” I said with contrition. 

“Drug addicts very rarely mean to mess up the lives of those around them, but they always seem to.” I winced at the very true comment. “Make sure his grades are fix and I’ll forgive you if he does.”  Hades' glare let up the smallest amount. "Also, I'm quite happy that you haven't joined me for good, but a drug habit is a good way of changing that."

"Yes sir."  That seemed like the safest answer for the still unhappy god.

"You're dismissed."

It was then that I woke with a start glad I hadn't pissed off the Lord of the Underworld any further before being dismissed.

Chapter 24: Day 18 Dealing with the fall out

Notes:

I decided to post a day early for all of you lovely people who commented!

When I awoke it was about 6 in the morning. Nico was out cold, but still holding my hand. This gave me plenty of time to review what Hades had said to me. It also gave me time to process that I pissed the god of the Underworld off.  While the encounter was terrifying (fortunately not as terrifying as my first meeting with him when Nico and I started dating) it did reveal some information I wish Nico had told me himself. I felt guilty that Nico was doing poorly because of me. I also felt a little mad that he didn't tell me himself, and I had to hear it from his dad. I spent the next hour thinking about what I wanted to say to Nico and how to fix his grades.  I had a feeling if those didn't improve I would be having another dream with Hades where he wouldn't be as nice.  I didn't want to have that conversation.

I didn't notice when Nico woke up. I was too lost in my thoughts.

"Will?" Taking a look at Nico I notice the bags under his eyes. The sleep deprivation was evident on his face how I missed it before I wasn't sure. Nico started crying.  As irritated as I was with him for not sharing things with me I wasn't going to sit there and not comfort him if he was hurting.

"Hey, everything is going to be okay."

Nico tried to stop crying. Because he was so tired it didn't look like he had control of his emotions. "Things aren't okay. I thought you were going to die, like I was having to consider if I would help you cross over though you were going to die.  I was trying to get to you but I couldn't.  I was seconds from shadow traveling into your room to at least say goodbye.  Once I knew you had help I didn't want to be in their way.  That's why I wasn't already there."

"From what my dad told me you saved my life. I was pretty sure I was dying as well, and I couldn't call anyone for help. Thank you." I said sincerely. I didn't want to meet Nico's dad the hard way.

"You had a collapsed lung.  The doctors said you're going to be fine."

"Good to hear.  Your dad visited me in my dreams." I said evenly.

"Uh oh, I'm so sorry. I tried to tell him not to. Please tell me he didn't threaten you." Nico said seriously.

"No threats per say, but he was terrifying.  He also said something I wish I had heard from you. You can't sleep or focus? All of your grades are down, and you're failing chemistry?"

"Yes," He said with a sigh. "I keep having nightmares where I don't get to you in time when you overdosed and you die.  I can't focus in class because I can't stop checking your death aura. I also have sudden flashbacks about your overdose and my last quest. That doesn't help with concentration. I hope my dad didn't mention it so I could tell you myself, but I have been going to a therapist again. She says it's a trauma response. I didn't want you to know I wasn't doing well because you didn't need that on your plate right now." Nico couldn't meet my eyes.

"Nico, if you keep something from me because you don't trust me I might not like it, but I can deal with it. You can't keep things from me because you don't know if I can handle it. I know we are working on rebuilding things but if you won't talk to me I don't know how we will ever get anything to work."

"I guess you're right I should have told you."`

"So, you went back to therapy?"

"Yeah. I called Holly and she recommended a friend of her's who is out here now."

"Am I the reason you went back?" I asked nervously.

"Yes and no. Your overdose was just the tipping point. I never did tell you about my last quest."

"You said when you got home that you didn't want to talk about it."

"Things went really bad.  I'm still working on dealing with what happened.  Even though we were successful in getting the new demigod to camp it wasn't without problems.  We ran into a few empousa that we had to fight off before getting the boy back to camp. Percy ended up under the charm of an empousa fighting us. Ashley got knocked out surprisingly fast, so it was just Percy and me.  Fighting Percy for real was terrifying.  If I lost, I was dead; if I won, he was dead. Both were terrible outcomes.  It was one of the few times since we left Camp Half-Blood that I was worried about not making it home.  I got a lucky shot on the empousa, and that is how it ended.  There was more than one moment in that fight where I didn't think I was coming home."

"I'm so sorry!  You should have told me."

"I was afraid you would have been mad at Percy, and he didn't deserve that.  I thought if I didn't talk about it I wouldn't have to deal with it.  Percy can't even remember the fight because he was so out of it.  So I'm really the only person suffering because of it."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

How about tutoring me in Chemistry when I visit on Saturdays?  Otherwise, I'm going to fail." Nico said with a laugh.

"Well, we can't have that," I said with a smile glad he already had a plan.

"Is there anything I can do to help you focus in class?"

"That is on me.  I need to trust that you will be okay in my absence."

"I'm working on getting better.  I really am."

"I know."

"Have you had enough time to think about if you want to live together next year or not?"

"Yes,"

"And?"

"I talked to my therapist, and I think it would be better if we lived apart."  Hearing this, while I expected it, was kind of crushing.  I knew this was a possibility but hearing it confirmed solidified how far back we had gone because of me.

"I'm sorry," I replied knowing it was my fault.

"I realized that I would be looking for signs of you relapsing, and that isn't what I want for us.  I need to work on trusting you again, and I don't think living with you will help that."

Grimacing I asked, "Please be honest, and don't give me the easy answer if it isn't true.  Do you think you can ever trust me again after what I did?"

Nico took a while to think.  "I think I will be able to fully trust you with time.  I can recognize that you are doing your best to get better and you know what you did was a mistake."

At this I breathed a sigh of relief.  Then I felt how much my chest hurt and started coughing.

"Hey, whoa, deep breath."  Nico said concerned.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine I think I just need some time and rest."

"Why don't you get some sleep and we talk more later."

"Sounds good."

Notes:

Please comment if you want more content faster. We are quickly approaching either the point where I end the story or we start another arc that I have to work on.

Chapter 25: Day 20

Notes:

Since there were so many comments last chapter here is a bonus chapter!

Ron POV:

Something was wrong. Gosh, something was so wrong. I had been hours and Will wouldn't stop silently crying. It started when Will woke up that morning. He looked like he had seen death. He wouldn't or couldn't talk. The only movement he made was to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room on his bed. He visibly flinched whenever anyone tried to touch him. Travis and Dr. Row had been trying to talk to him all morning to no avail.

Nico had talked to me briefly the second time he had visited. He said if there was ever something wrong with Will to IM him. He would be forever grateful. Even though Nico was Will's emergency contact he didn't know what exactly constituted an emergency they would call him about. I decided that a near catatonic Will constituted an emergency. I IMed Nico.  When Nico saw me he immediately panicked.

"What's wrong with Will?"

"I have no clue. He has been curled up in a ball for hours silently crying. No one can get him to talk, and he looks like he saw something really bad happen."

"Thank you. I'll be there as soon as I can." Then Nico slashed through the message. Turns out as soon as he could was less than one minute later. I heard him arguing with the receptionist.

"I know something is wrong with Will. I'm his emergency contact I need to see him."

The rather uncaring receptionist said, "If you had been contacted to see a patient I would know. As it stands there are no visiting hours today so I can't let you in." She said with distain. Nico looked like he was trying to keep his cool but failing. The room was dropping in temperature. Either the receptionist didn't notice or didn't care that she was getting in the way of a very worried son of Hades.

"Get Travis." He managed to say through gritted teeth.

"No. He is busy and I'm not going to bother him with a non-issue. Plenty of people in here are not well, and that isn't an emergency. You will have to wait to see your friend till visiting hours tomorrow."

"Boyfriend," He gritted out clearly irritated.

"As I said you will have to wait to see your friend during visiting hours." She didn't see the look on Nico's face because she went back to reading her book.  I was 30' away, and I was terrified.

I thought he was about to shout, but then he did something far more scary. He lower his voice and the ground started to shake. "Do you have a problem with me having a boyfriend?"  I could see my breath, and I wanted to be anywhere but here.  It seemed at that point the dumb receptionist seemed to realize that maybe she said the wrong thing and literally ran.  The room warmed up and I approached Nico as it seemed safe to do so now.

"I'll get Travis," I said as I went back to my room. "Travis,"

"Ron I know you  are worried for Will but-

I interrupted, "Nico is here and wants to see Will."

"How did...? Never mind."  Travis went back up to the reception desk

Nico POV:

For Hades' sake, why didn't anyone call?!  Travis was rounding the corner not looking pleased.

"Nico,"

"Why didn't you call me if this had been going on for hours?"  I decided to jump straight to the point.

"I wanted to see if we could get him to come out of it on his own.  He will be better off if he can get out of this by himself."

Calming down seeing there was a reason I asked, "Aren't you helping him?  That really isn't him getting out of this on his own."

"Yes, but I'm his therapist."

"Okay, I'm guessing you won't let me see him,"  I said defeated and worried.

"I didn't say that.  At this point I'm starting to get worried if we can't get him to come out of this he may go into a catatonic state.  If you hadn't shown up you would have been called soon.  Please follow me."

Following Travis, we went past the common room down a hallway to room 7.  Seeing the look of complete brokenness on Will's face nearly broke me.

I went over to him immediately and wrapped my arms around him.  Travis stayed in the room.  After about 20 minutes, "Nico?" Will said sounding horse from crying.  

"I'm here. I'm here." I reassured him relieved he seemed to be back to reality.  I asked gently, "What happened dear?" Will hugged me back and started to quickly mumble something into my shirt.  "Honey, I didn't hear you."

"I guess I had a nightmare.  It was so real though.  I thought it happened, and I was back in the mental hospital."

Asking kindly, "Why didn't seeing Ron clue you into that you were in rehab and not the mental hospital?"

"I don't think I registered seeing him.  The only person I could make out was Travis which..."

"Reinforced that you were back in the psych ward?" I guessed.

"Yeah," Will said defeated.

"Will, what was the nightmare about?  Tartarus?"  Will visibly shook.

"No.  Labyrinth. When we made it out we were attacked.  I watched you die gruesomely from a dracaena.  It was so real.  I went back to camp and became catatonic again and was committed.  Waking up here I was sure it was real."

"I'm so sorry.  Are you going to be okay?"

"Can you stay for a bit?"

"That is really up to Travis."

"Stay for an hour and let him calm down.  Then you have individual therapy, Will."

"Thank you,"  I said earnestly.  Seeing Will when I came in reminded me too much of sitting at his bedside when he was catatonic.  I don't think I could do that again.

 

 

Notes:

Comment please! They make the writing easier!

Chapter 26: Day 21 Relapse

I wasn't a stranger to depression. It had gotten better with his anti-depressant but there were still bad days. This was one of those days, and I knew it from the moment I woke up. From therapy, the first go around I knew how to handle this. Don't stay in bed. Continue with my day. Be around other people, so I was less tempted to cut. At this point, I was used to taking the easy way out. Drugs were a great way of forgetting one's problems. I tried to suck it up and get out of bed reminding myself that I don't need the drugs to function.

Yesterday I didn't make it to therapy because I kept having mental breakdowns over my nightmare.  Travis decided it was best to leave Nico with me and continue therapy today.  I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep.  I did manage to make it out of bed just in time for therapy.  I must have looked awful because the first thing Travis said was, "Are you alright?"

"Not really, yesterday was exhausting and today I feel depressed."

"Sorry to hear that.  We should really talk about yesterday."  My instant thought was 'No I was not doing that.'  I subconsciously started scratching at my wrist before Travis said, "Stop that.  I heard some of what you told Nico happened but why don't we start from the beginning?  What happened?" Wasn't that always the question? Ugh.

"It started with a nightmare.  Except I couldn't tell it was a nightmare.  It was all too real."

"Sorry to interrupt but when you say 'all too real' do you mean like a prophetic dream."  I froze. I hadn't considered.  What if?  It was too horrible of a thought to even consider.  Why would we have gone back into the Labyrinth?  The nightmare happened when we exited at the Labyrinth. We wouldn't have any reason to be in there.  It had to be a realistic normal nightmare, right?  Right? 

I could barely recognize I was having a panic attack.  I couldn't catch my breath and I was crying.  My bracelet turned bright red because I didn't care at this moment.  Even if it was a remote possibility I had to get away from the thought.  This was the fastest way out I could manage at the moment.  I dug my nail into my wrist hard till it drew blood.  I kept doing it till I had a few angry, bloody marks.

I could barely recognize that Travis had come over and crouched in front of me.  He restrained my hand to stop me from further hurting myself. "Whoa, Will, breathe.  In for four, out for six.  One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, five, six..."  This went on for ten minutes. Till I could mostly breathe normally and had stopped panicking. 

"I'll be right back.  If I leave are you going to hurt yourself?"  Travis asked full of concern.

"I'll be fine."

"Not what I asked." Travis said pointedly.

"I won't hurt myself,"  I answered even though it was a struggle at the moment.

Travis came back with a roll of bandages and started tending to my wrist.  As he worked he said, "Let's try this again.  Stay calm.  Remember that Nico is fine right now.  What kind of dream was it?"  Travis asked not moving from his position.

"I... uh... don't know.  It didn't quite feel like a prophetic dream.  If it was could it be stopped?"

"Possibly.  Since you said it didn't feel like a prophetic dream let's go with that assumption.  Normally demigods can tell the difference.  I think you are only doubting it was a nightmare because of the implications of it not being so horrible.  Let's start again.  What happened?  Maybe we can figure this out together." 

"I don't remember how it started exactly.  We were happy and relieved about something.  We exited the labyrinth somewhere green.  The place we exited had monsters waiting.  It was like they knew we would be there.  Nico took out all but one.  That one killed him."  I had to stop and catch my breath.  The world was slowly getting dark around the edges.

"Will,"  I heard muffled.  "Will you are okay.  Nico is fine.  Breathe."  With a few deep breaths, the world started to come into focus again and the blackness disappeared.

"I don't want to do this anymore.  Why are we doing this?"

"You need to learn to handle your emotions in a healthy way.  That includes the ones caused by nightmares.  If you can get through this you will be better prepared for the next nightmare or situation that bothers you."

"I don't want drugs.  I just want to forget this happened."

"What about cutting?"

I didn't say a word.  He had me dead to rights there.  He had just stopped me from further relapsing a few minutes ago.  I knew my mind enough to know I wasn't in the clear yet.  As stupid as it was, and even though I would get caught, I lied.  "I'm fine."

"And your boyfriend's straight,"  Travis said annoyed.  "You know I can tell when you're lying so give it up."

"Fine, I want to cut!"  I said as I crossed my arms.  "Are you happy?"

"Well, it would have been better if you didn't lie in the first place.  Shall we continue with your nightmare?"

Through gritted teeth, I finished telling Travis about how I witnessed Nico's death and went catatonic.  I also told him that I had been readmitted to the psych ward.

"I'm guessing seeing me wasn't helpful?"

"Yeah, it just confirmed that my nightmare was true.  It took me a while to even process that Nico was with me when he came."

"Feeling any better?"

"No, in fact, I feel worse."

"How are you planning on handling that?"

"I'm not really sure.  I want to give into my self destructive habits, but if I start I'm not sure I could stop."

"So what is a health way of dealing with your emotions?"

"I suppose talking about them.  After this is visiting hours.  I could try to talk to Nico about it."

"I think that is a good plan.  Your trying to rebuild the trust in your relationship.  Being able to communicate about how you feel is a good way of doing that.  Well, that is all the time we have for now."  I turned to leave. "Will," I turned back around.  "I know you're having a hard time.  If you ever don't feel safe by yourself tell someone on staff, and we will see how we can help."

"Thanks."

When I got back to the common room it was time for visiting hours.  Nico looked worried.

"Will, are you okay?" Nico asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm..." I paused remembering how many times I'd said the same lie 'I'm fine' before getting high or after.  Saying 'I'm fine' was just automatic at this point.  I just couldn't blatantly lie to him again.  The foundation of our relationship still wasn't very strong and lies just made it weaker. "No. I'm not okay."  Admitting that I was having a hard time instead of shoving it down felt like the first breath of air after drowning.  I hadn't realized I was suffocating myself until I stopped.

"What happened?  I saw your death aura darken." Oh, so he already knew something was up.  

"Um, I'm having a really depressed day after yesterday.  I had a panic attack that was really hard to deal with.  I didn't do so great." I said not making eye contact. I rolled up my left sleeve so he could see the damage I did to myself, and so I didn't have to admit my failure out loud.

"Will," Nico said, and I could hear the sorrow in his voice.  He hugged me, and I did my best to hold back my tears. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to recover.  You deserve better than to hurt yourself.”

Nico POV:

Will seemed to take in a stuttered breath to calm himself.  Will having a depressed day wasn't anything new.  He used to have them every so often, and we would watch movies and try to take his mind off of it.  I thought he had been getting better this semester before I found out he was self-medicating.  It broke my heart to see him suffer like this again.  Will was biting his lower lip like he wanted to say something else.  After a moment he commits to saying what was on his mind. While staring at his cuts he says, “I want to cut, more than I have in a long time.  I think that temptation got buried under my drug use so I didn’t notice it until I stopped using drugs to cope.”

"Will, I know you can get better.  You beat this temptation back once.  You can do it again."

"It's so hard though,"  Will said with pain.  "I'm not saying I'm giving up because I'm not.  Things just felt so much easier when I could cut."  I gave him a horrified look.  I remember how dark a place he had been when he was active in his cutting.  If he was saying this after a small relapse I was really worried.  How dark were things getting for him?  "I know it's wrong to miss it, but I do.  It was a fast ticket away from whatever thoughts were bothering me." I think he took in my expression.  "I'm sorry I don't mean to worry you.  I'll be fine.  It's just today is really rough after yesterday.  Therapy was a lot today, and I just want things to be easier."

"Things will get easier with time.  Even if your headspace is dark I want to know about it.  Please don't skip telling me something because you're afraid I will worry."

"Okay.  I think the best thing to do is to distract myself from the dark thoughts going on in my head.  I believe you have chemistry I need to tutor you in."  Will said with a tired smirk.  He knows how much I don't want to do chemistry.

"Do we have to?"  I said with a groan.

"Hey, I don't want another visit from your dad because I couldn't help you fix your grades." I said exhausted. Just because Hades didn't threaten me didn't mean there was nothing to worry about.

"That's fair."

Notes:

Thanks for reading! I relate to having depressed day more then I wish.

Comment with your thought! I always love to hear them!

Chapter 27: Day 22 An unwelcomed arrival

Notes:

Hello all of you wonderful people. I decided you deserved a post a day early!

Entering into the common area I ran into Vanessa.

"Did you hear the new girl is leaving the detox rooms today?"

"Took her a while she must have really been hooked."

"We don't exactly have room to judge," Vanessa said with a smirk. It was then that the new girl entered. She was a thin, short girl with brown shoulder length wavy hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed in days. Her eyes looked half vacant and I would have felt sorry for her had she not ruined my life.

"Gemma," I managed to say in shock.

"Wait, you know her?" Vanessa asked. I was frozen in shock. While I knew I would probably have to see her eventually I didn't think eventually would be so soon. I couldn't even process the emotions that were flying around in my head because they changed so quickly; confusion, anger, pity, rage, worry, concern for myself, desire for drug, and the desire to run away.

"She is my ex-dealer. I can't do this right now." I left and went into my room fortunately for me Ron was there. Having another person in the room helped ground me to reality. I started to do my deep breathing exercises.  I was starting to have a panic attack and was trying to figure out how to stop it.

"Man, are you alright?" Ron asked.

"No, not even close,"  I said between hyperventilated breaths.

"Should I get someone?"  Ron seemed concerned now.

"No, then I'd have to explain and I'm not up to it at the moment."

By the time group had started, I had finally settled down enough to have one clear emotion rage.  I didn't realize how much I never wanted to see her face again.  It was a reminder of being at my absolute lowest and most desperate.  I get we weren't friends and never would be but when I was that desperate I needed help not drugs.  I decided to pay attention to the group to try to calm my thoughts.

"My sister decided I wasn't faking getting better.  She said she still doesn't trust me enough to be at her wedding, but her seeing I'm getting better is something.  I haven't talked to my dad much since being here.  I think he is still mad over the mess I created.  I'm not looking forward to seeing him in a week when I get out of here."  Vanessa said sadly.

Travis was leading the group asked Gemma to introduce herself and tell us a little bit about why she was here.

"My name is Gemma, I got caught by campus security with drugs.  I was told that I could either go here or be expelled from New Rome University."  That was all she said while staring at the floor.

"Thanks, Gemma, Will you haven't contributed."

"And I'm not planning on it."  I said trying to keep my tone level.

"You know that is against the rules.  You have to say something."

"Fine I'm extremely angry, and if I could realistically leave without major consequence I would."

"You weren't feeling this way yesterday what changed?"  Travis asked with interest.  He hadn't ever seen me angry, frustrated sure, but not angry.

"Gemma," I managed to grit out.  Even saying her name added to my furry.

"Why do you have a problem with Gemma, Will?"  Travis asked surprised.

Gemma answered instead of me, "I was his drug dealer."  You could hear a pin drop.  Travis was the one who recovered first.

"Do you have anything you want to say to Gemma?"  Travis asked.

"Nothing I have to say is particularly nice."  I mumbled out starting to calm down.

"Say it anyway.  Keeping this bottled up won't help you, and it won't help her."

At the notion of helping her my fury returned, "I have not interest in helping Gemma.  You contributed to nearly destroying my life.  I nearly died.  I have relationships that still haven't recovered because of this.  Some of my friends haven't visited me since I overdosed.  I don't think Nico's forgiven me for what I did.  Hades, I don't even forgive myself.  How could I expect someone else to?  While I get it was my choice to take up your offer, I wish you would have never said anything in the first place.  If we hadn't met I don't think I would be here."

Gemma was looking at the ground.  Eventually she looked up.  "I'm sorry.  My boyfriend was my dealer.  He got me initially hooked.  If I didn't sell he wouldn't give me drugs.  Also if I didn't sell enough he would..."  She flinched, "There would be consequences.  I didn't want to hurt anyone." She said in a small voice.

Suddenly I noticed things I hadn't bothered to before.  There was a large cut in her hair line.  There was a fading bruise along her neck.  She was completely covered from head to toe even though it was relatively warm.  Based on her statement I could only assume it was to cover other bruises.  For the rest of group I sat and rethought about my distain for Gemma.  While this new information didn't change the fact that I wish I had never met her it did make me realize she was in a tough position and wasn't doing it of her own free will.

After group I approached Gemma, "You mentioned your boyfriend while you were talking.  Given what you said shouldn't he be your ex?"

"Nothing is that simple.  I'm afraid what he would do if I left."

"Is he in the legion?"

"Yes, why?"  

"I'm pretty sure they take care of disciplining their own.  By what you said he has done enough for jail time in the mortal world, and expulsion from New Rome."

"Who would believe me?"

"I do, and I don't like you."

"Thanks" She said with an eye roll.

"I'm friends with the praetor.  I could help you report him."

She looked fearful. "If I get him kicked out he will kill me."

"There are ways the legion would protect you."

"No,"

"Think about it?  If he has ruined your life and by extension mine, there is no telling how many people he has hurt and will continue to hurt."

"I'll give it some thought."  She said with a neutral expression that gave nothing away.  I decided then that I was going to call Hazel to see if there was anything that could be done.

Notes:

What do we think of Gemma showing up? I love hearing all of your comments. They make my day so much brighter! They also make it easier to write.

Chapter 28: Day 22 part 2

Notes:

Felt like making a mid week update. Enjoy! Thank you for the lovely comments!

I went to my room to make an IM. Soon Hazel appeared.

"Will! How are you doing?"

"I'm hanging in there. It's been a rough few weeks. Withdrawals were the worst though, so it has gotten easier."

"I'm glad things are getting better. I know I was harsh last time we talked. I was worried."

"Well it's not like I didn't need to hear it, but please don't say any of it again. If I have to hear how I disappointed one more person I'm going to scream. Fortunately, there aren't that many people who haven't already given me their opinion on my drug use. I need your help with a problem."

"What can I do?"

"Well first please share all of this with Nico. I want him to already know before visiting hours next week so he isn't surprised. Here is the situation. My drug dealer," I paused for a moment to take a breath before I corrected myself, "ex-drug dealer has checked in here. She has been here for a few days but I only found out today."

"Yeah I think it's a good idea to give Nico a heads up. I'm pretty sure he hates them on principal, and will be pissed you are even near them."

"Well there is a lot more to the story of why she was dealing. She was in an abusive relationship with her dealer and was dealing so he wouldn't abuse her and wouldn't withhold her drugs."

"That still isn't enough for Nico not to hate them. If you wanted Nico to know all of this why didn't you just call him?"

"Well he thinks IMs could be a distraction for me in here, so we don't talk unless it's an emergency. I wasn't calling just so you could tell him. Her boyfriend is in the legion. Is there something you can do?"

Hazel looked startled then mad, "I have a domestic abuser and drug dealer in my legion?"

"Yes,"

"Do you have a name for me?"

"Unfortunately, no. She is considering trying to do something about him but is too afraid he will kill her if she tries."

"Domestic violence can get lethal fast. I can see why she would hesitate. If you give me her name maybe I can find out who she is dating."

"Gemma McDoug,"

Her eyes got wide. "That's your ex-dealer?! I would have never known. She is dating Bradly Plum. He is my centurion in the first cohort. I have to deal with this immediately."

"Wait! Can you come give Gemma a heads up and have a plan to keep her safe? I don't imagine her fears are unfounded."

"I'll be there in an hour. This really can't wait."

"There aren't visiting hours today. How are you going to talk to her?"

"It's legion business. I'll make the calls I need to. I need to go. Talk to you later."

It was about an hour until the roman praetor and another legion member came walking in the rehab center. The front desk lady gave them no problems as they entered. She found Gemma immediately, and sat down to talk.  They spent quite a while talking to Gemma.  Afterwards I had an angry brunet marching over to me.

"You told! You freaking told! I told you I'd consider it.  That was my personal business, but no you had to go and tell!  He will kill me."

"I told Hazel, and I'm glad I did.  He is dangerous to you and others."

"I know that." She said with all the fight seeming to go out of her.  "He has threatened my family if I tried to leave.  The one time I did try to leave I was in and out of consciousness for days in the hospital.  I tried leaving after you overdosed.  I didn't want to hurt people."

"Hazel will make sure he doesn't hurt any of your family."

"You don't know that.  She said they were getting a search warrant now and then would at least arrest him on domestic violence if they can't get any evidence for the dealing.  There is going to be a trial, and I'm going to have to face him.  I didn't want that."

"How were you ever going to get away from him then?"

"I... well... ugh." She said as she sat down with her head in her hands.

"You're tough.  You can make it through this."

"Thanks I guess.  This doesn't make us friends."

"I didn't think it did." I said as I walked away.

Notes:

Let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 29: Day 23 Enough

Notes:

Thanks for all of the comments last chapter. They definitely made this chapter better!

Hazel's POV:

I was nervous knocking on Nico's door.  It took about 30 seconds for him to open it.

"Hazel! What are you doing here?"  Nico asked clearly happy to see me.

"I need to talk to you.  Can I come in?"

"Sure,"

"I talked to Will yesterday."

Nico looked confused as he asked, "What about?"

"I'll get right to the point.  His ex-drug dealer checked into rehab, and Will wanted to give you some warning before you saw her on Saturday."

Confusion soon turned to frustration then anger.  Shadows started moving on their own as Nico's anger built.  "That piece of trash is near Will?" Nico said in a low voice.

"Hey, easy. Calm down.  There is a lot more to the story.  She wasn't dealing of her own free will.  Her boyfriend would withhold her supply if she didn't deal, and would beat her."  The look in Nico's eye was murderous.

"Why did Will tell all of this to you and not me?" Nico said not really calming down.

"Because Gemma's boyfriend was a legion member and Gemma and her family would need protection from him.  He has been arrested and charged with drug dealing and domestic violence.  It's an open-and-shut case.  He should be expelled from New Rome within the week."

"Where is he?"  Nico said as the room was getting colder.

This wasn't good.  I knew Nico would be mad but I didn't anticipate this level of anger. "Bradly is in custody.  There is nothing you can do.  He will be brought to justice and punished.  We don't take things into our own hands Nico!"

"Tell me that after Frank almost dies!" Nico yelled. 

I'd asked Jason to be nearby in case things went south talking to Nico.  While he didn't get angry often, his righteous anger was nothing to fool around with.  Jason must have decided the shouting was reason to intervene.  There was a knock on the door.  "GO AWAY!" Nico shouted.  I went to the door quickly to open the door for Jason.  If anyone could talk Nico down it was Jason.

"Dude, you have to calm down before you hurt someone."

"The guy responsible for Will having access to drugs is in custody and is only going to get expelled from New Rome.  It's a slap on the wrist!"

"Nico, getting expelled from the only safe haven he has means he is monster chow," Jason said.

"It's Bradly Plum, right?" I nodded.  "The only Bradly in the legion.  He will be fine out in the world.  He is just going to start selling to mortals.  He is going to get someone killed."  Nico gritted out trying to control his anger.

"What punishment do you want for the guy?" Jason asked.

"I want him jailed and then expelled." Nico said finally letting go of his anger a bit.

"Well since it is a legion trial Frank and I get to decide if the crime is to be judged by the senate or the legion centurions.  Since it wasn't a crime against a legion member I think the senate should judge the crime.  As the ambassador to Pluto, you have a voice and a vote in this matter."  I said.

Nico gave me a spectacle look, "Don't I have to recuse myself since I'm close to the case?" 

In the US court system yes.  The only reason a senator, or ambassador in this case, has to recuse themselves is if they are related to the accused.  The defense can argue you to be removed, but that rarely ever works.  50% of the senate would have to agree that you have something against the accused that has nothing to do with this case.  Since your anger starts and ends with his drug dealing it shouldn't be an issue."

"I also don't approve of domestic violence.  I don't want my disapproval of that to be overlooked." Nico grumbled.

"I know.  Now if we leave are you going to go find Bradly?" I asked.

"No.  I'll argue for a," Nico grimaced as if the next words hurt him to say, "just punishment."

Will's POV:

By the time afternoon individual therapy came around I knew being around Gemma was a problem. It wasn't a problem I was okay dealing with either. While I had expected to see her eventually I wasn't prepared to be around her every day.  Even though she wasn't exactly the person I thought she was I couldn't be around her every day.

"Travis, I'm checking myself out," was the first thing I said as I entered his office.

"Let's take a minute. Sit. What is the problem?" Travis said taking my declaration seriously.

"Gemma, I think it is actively doing me harm to be around her. When she is in the same room I... I... It's hard to describe."

"Well, try. 30 days is the shortest time frame we offer for people coming in for treatment. It is the least successful time frame as well. We prefer if everyone would stay 60 days but that isn't always possible. Most people here are here for 60 days and that still isn't 100% effective. You've been here for 3 weeks. I don't think it's a good idea to leave early.  Also, I thought you two were okay.  Didn’t you help her with her boyfriend?”

"That was more of a ‘for the public good’ thing not for her.  Every time we are in the same room together all I can think about is how to drown out the memories I have surrounding her. The time I got high before and exam. The times I couldn't go back to my dorm because I would have been caught. Every time I told Nico I was going out to study when I was really getting high. Every time anything bothered me I didn't deal with it, I got high. All I want to do is find a way out of this. I'm not coping in a healthy way. Seeing her every day, hours a day is too much. After group this morning listening to her talk about things that involved me was too much. I went back to my room and found something sharp and went at my arm again. I don't want to deal with her, and I shouldn't have to. I've hit my limit. I'm done."

Travis considered this for a moment. "Learning to face something that bothers you so much would benefit you. Upsetting things are going to happen, and you will need to learn to handle it in a healthy way. Now let me have a look at your arm." I handed my arm over knowing the damage wasn't anywhere near my worst but it wasn't minor either.  I started to talk as he bandaged my arm

"Upsetting things are going to happen I know, but I'm saying I can't do this. Gemma told the group the story of how I was her first client, and how awful she felt when she sold me drugs to support her habit. I was seeing red the entire time. While I get it's her story, it is also mine, and I had no control over how it was told. I know there are other stories that she might tell because they mean something to her that I don't want to hear. Being her first customer is rather mild. There are others that aren't."

"Maybe we should talk about those."

"It's not important to my recovery. I did several things I'm ashamed of. I don't see the point in bringing them up. I'm trying to move forward not get stuck in the past. There isn't anything unresolved."

"Okay if you are dead set on leaving I could refer you to another rehab. I know of a few that have demigods on staff."

"I just want to be done and go home to see my mom," I said exhausted from the situation

Travis looked resigned and sad. "Well, this isn't the first time someone has checked out early. I still think you would benefit from therapy after you get out of here.  I have an opening for an outpatient therapy patient."

"I'm going home to Texas after this," I said as a way to reject his offer.  I was just so done.

"We can still do therapy via IM." I internally groaned.  I wanted to be done with therapy.

"Can I think about it?" I asked.

"Sure.  I still think this is a bad idea, but I'll find a list of NA meetings near where you are in Texas and a list of the ones in New Rome before you leave." 

After he made this statement I left to pack.  Ron was in my room when I took my suitcase out from under my bed.

"I didn't take you for a quitter,"  Ron said with no amusement.

"I'm not quitting getting better. I'm just leaving here." I said annoyed.  Why did Ron have an opinion?

"Because things got too hard for you seeing Gemma, and you couldn't handle it.  So instead of facing the situation in a place that is fully equipped to help you, you are running away."

"I'm leaving."

"Please stay," Ron said sadly. "I'll miss you.  It wasn't that long ago that you asked me for drugs.  Are you sure you're going to be able to stay sober if you leave now?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm sure," I said feeling less confident than I projected.  "Being around Gemma is bad for me, and I don't think I should stay."

"Have you thought about what Nico is going to say?" Ron asked.

I froze monetarily at the statement.  I hoped that Nico would be okay with it seeing the circumstances.  "This is about me, not him.  If he gets pissed about it that is his problem."  After I finished packing I worked on saying goodbye. Vanessa wished me well and Ron told me that he better not see me in here again.  Then I was off to see if Nico would possibly take me home.

 

Notes:

What do you think Nico's reaction to Will checking himself out is going be? I love reading your comments!

Chapter 30: Knocking

Notes:

So I've been typing a lot today and felt like rewarding all of you lovely commenters.

It didn't take too long to get back to what used to be my dorm room. As much as I told Ron this was about me and if Nico had a problem that was his issue I still very much cared what he thought. I knocked on his door to immediately be met with a surprised-looking Nico.

"What are you doing here?" after a second he added, "Why is your death aura darker?" Nico asked concern written all over his face. “Are you alright?”

“Can I come inside?” I said dodging the question. 

“Yeah,” Nico said as he moved out of the way. I went across the room and sat on what used to be my bed.  Being back in my old room with everything gone made me regret even further how much I had screwed up my life.  It took me a second to mentally recompose myself.  “Will, I’m confused why you’re here, and why you death aura is off.  Please answer my questions.”  Nico looked almost desperate for answers.

I took a deep breath realizing this was going to be harder than I thought.  Even though Ron told me to think of Nico’s reaction I hadn’t really thought through the potential consequences.  What if leaving rehab was enough to break everything? Trying to remember I left for a reason I started to talk.  “I cut this morning.  That is why my death aura is off.”  

Nico had a look of pure concern.  “Will, I’m not judging you.  Is quitting making it harder to not cut?  Do you need professional help again?”

“Yes, it is making it harder.  As for professional help, no... um... I don't know.  I know I needed to get away from Gemma.”

“What’s your plan?” Nico asked never dropping the look of worry and concern.

“I was hoping you would take me to my mom’s house.”

"Not until you explain in a little more detail what is going on.  Why exactly did you leave rehab?  What exactly does that mean? Why can't you stick it out with Gemma being there?  Shouldn't you stick it out for the last week?" Nico said exasperated.

"Seeing her reminds me too much of doing drugs and the many shameful memories associated with it.  I don't want to be around her.  Hearing her tell one of her stories that involved me pushed me over the edge.  I couldn't calm down the storm of thoughts so I cut.  I don't think it is in my best interest to be around Gemma.  I don't think it is good for my recovery at all.  Are you mad I left?"

"I wish I would have been part of that decision, but ultimately your recovery is up to you," Nico said looking disappointed.  "I'll shadow travel you to your mom's house,"  Nico said sounding resigned to the fact that I was dropping out of rehab.  "Come on." 

A few moments later we were standing in the middle of a front yard in Texas.  I knocked on the door and waited.  A few moments later mom opened the door.

"Will! What are you doing here?" She said as she hugged me. "You should be in rehab."  She said with a stern look.

"Can we discuss inside?"

"Sure," She said looking stern.

After we got situated on the couch.  Mom started in on her questions.  "Why did you leave rehab?"

"My ex-drug dealer was checked in, and being around her was starting a pretty bad mental health spiral,"  I said honestly.

"Okay, I can understand that."  Her stern look softened.  "Are you checking yourself into another rehab?" She asked seriously.  "You were there barely 3 weeks."

"I was hoping I could just stay here until the semester started,"   I said suddenly realizing that my mom may not be okay with me leaving rehab, and might not offer a place to stay.

"Hmm," Mom said with a thoughtful look.  It was a tense minute before she started talking again.  "I still think you should be in rehab.  You're an adult and I can't make that choice for you.  If you stay here there are rules you have to agree to or you can find someplace else to stay until the semester starts.  First, you have to go to therapy.  If you think I didn't notice the bandage on your wrist you are mistaken.  Correct me if I'm wrong but that is what you were referring to when you said 'mental health spiral'."

"Yes, you're right," I said somberly remembering that cutting episode.

"Second, you need to go to 2 NA meetings a week.  Third, no drugs or alcohol in the house.  Fourth, you need to agree to any drug test I deem necessary.  Also if I catch you doing drugs or drinking we will be reevaluating this arrangement.  That won't be the case if you own up to it without me having to confront you about it.  As much as I hate it I understand mistakes, and I don't want you to try to hide anything from me.  I just want you to get better and stay that way.  Do you agree to my rules?"

"When you say therapy what exactly do you mean?  I'm not going to a mortal therapist."  That wasn't happening.

"See if Holly will IM you or one of the therapists at New Rome."

"Will, it could do you some good.  I don't imagine Travis thought leaving rehab early was a good idea, and he is the professional.  Maybe therapy will help and keep you from hurting yourself." Nico said.

"Who cares what Travis said!  I don't need any more talk about feelings and what I screwed up!" Then both Nico and mom looked startled.  "Sorry, I've been on edge since seeing Gemma." After a few awkward minutes I said, "Fine, I'll go to therapy if that's what it takes to stay here."

"It is," Mom said with finality.  "Nico, will you be staying for dinner?"

"Thank you Naomi, but I need to get back to study soon.  It's finals week,"  He then addressed me, "Will can we talk outside?"

"Of course," I responded immediately wondering what exactly he had to say.  

As we stepped outside Nico started, "I'm not exactly happy about this situation and I'm disappointed that you are not checking yourself into another rehab.  I still think you should be in rehab, but I'm not going to argue with you about it.  I need to know if you can handle this."

"I'm not entirely sure.  The only thing I am sure of was that nothing good was going to come of me staying at rehab."

Nico looked apprehensive.  "I'll trust you.  I'm begging you, don't give me a reason not to.  If you feel like you're going to cross a line IM me.  I don't care what time it is.  If you do cross a line call me, and don't you dare drive while impaired.  I unfortunately have to go."

"Bye Nico,"  I said realizing that I was now stuck in Texas.

"I'll IM you." Nico said as he shadow traveled away.

 

Notes:

It doesn't sound like Nico is on board with this plan, but is going to go with it for now. How do you think Will is going to fair outside of rehab?

Chapter 31: Therapy

Notes:

Happy 4th all. To celebrate I'm posting two days early!

I don't usually put trigger warnings on this story since you should have an idea of what this story is by now but I will for this chapter.
TW very depressive thoughts, and self-harm thoughts.

The next day I was sitting in my room when I IMed Travis.

"Hey Travis"

"Will! Does this mean you are taking me up on my offer for outpatient therapy?"

"Yes, my mother didn't leave me much choice.  To live at her house I have to go to have therapy."  I grumbled.

Travis tilted his head slightly looking confused. "You seem upset."

"I just want to put all of this behind me, and no one will let me do that!  I'm fine now I just need to move on with my life and put this drug use behind me." I said exasperated.

Travis had a look of understanding, "I know your a medic.  How much have you studied about addiction?"

Confused about where this was going I answered, "I've studied the signs of addiction, and that's about it.  I didn't exactly need to know more for CHB."

"That would explain it.  Will, once you are addicted to drugs people usually deal with the temptation their entire lives."  My eyes widened.  This is not what I wanted to hear.  "Even after they have been sober for years just like cutting." Oh dear.

"So you are saying because I couldn't cope with the death of my bother and got high when I was twelve, I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life?!" I exclaimed frustrated.

"I couldn't say if you were addicted at twelve or not, but the evidence is there that you may have been.  If you hadn't done drugs before I suspect that you wouldn't have taken Gemma up on her offer for Adderall.  You defiantly got yourself addicted this time."

"If I ignore it for long enough won't it go away?" I said hopefully.

"It doesn't work like that.  You have wired your brain to crave drugs and cutting whenever you want to escape from something.  Sure, it will get a lot better, but on bad days your going to be tempted.  You need to develop the tools to deal with that temptation."

"That is unfortunate." I said defeated.

"It can get a lot better.  How have you been doing since you got home?"

"I've been annoyed.  Mom is, rightfully so, treating me like she doesn't trust me.  She cleared out all of the alcohol from of the house.  She set up rules I have to follow to stay here, like I'm a kid instead of an adult.  I don't like feeling so isolated from the demigod world."

"What rules does she have for you to follow?"

"I have to go to therapy.  She saw my wrist wrapped up and made an educated guess.  I have to go to 2 NA meetings a week. No drugs or alcohol in the house.  I have to agree to any drug tests she asks for, and I have to tell her if I do drugs.  I know none of it is unreasonable, but the fact there has to be rules at all bothers me." I said happy to finally voice my frustration.

"Is there any part of the rules that bother you?"

"Therapy isn't my favorite, but I've been enough that it just more annoying than anything.  I don't like the idea of going to an NA meeting."

"Why? I thought we talked about you going to NA meetings."

"We talked about them.  That didn't mean I agreed to go to one."

"What bothers you the most?"

"Opening up about something so personal and shameful to strangers.  I know nothing about the people in the people except they aren't like me.  I would be locked up or called a liar if I told them about half of my life."

"Okay, do you have reservations about NA in New Rome?"

"I still don't want to talk about what I did surrounding drugs or anything about my life to a bunch of strangers.  Heck there are things I haven't told anyone about surrounding my drug use.  Why would I tell a bunch of strangers?"

"Maybe because you don't have to see them outside of this setting.  They shouldn't judge and maybe they have some advice.  You should think about talking about what you did while you were high so you can work on moving past it.  I can tell it still bothers you."

I just gave him a level stare. I wasn't going to talk about that.  Travis decided to let it pass.  "How is this different than group therapy?"

"I guess it isn't but, I barely participated in group therapy when I had to."

"Since it is a condition of your living arrangement you have to go.  How can we make this tolerable for you?  Would not having to drive there help?  Would asking a friend to go with you help?  I know at some meeting that is an option."

"Maybe having someone else there would put me more at ease, but none of my friends are here."

"Nico would come if you asked."

"I'll think about it."

"Is there anything else you want to cover?"

"No.  Same time Thursday?"

"Yep"

_____

I didn't want to wake up depressed, but I did.  Everything felt impossible besides curling up under a blanket and holding a stuffed animal.  The world felt overwhelmingly big and I felt lost in it.  At this moment I regretted leaving rehab because at least there I wasn't alone with my thoughts.  Mom had left for work before I got up, so I was alone.  Not such a good thing when my headspace was this bad.

I just wanted an emergency pill I could take when things got this bad to feel better.  If my anxiety got too out of control there used to be something I could take (before I wasn’t trusted with certain drugs unsupervised) but there was nothing for depression like that.  There at least wasn't anything that was safe and legal.  Getting high sounded very tempting at the moment even though I knew there would be consequences.  One saving grace for me is I didn't know any where to get drugs in south Texas.  I was resourceful enough that I knew with a few IMs I could probably find what I was looking for.  While Gemma was my ex-dealer she wasn't the only person that I knew that was involved with drugs. I knew one of them was from Texas and spent a good portion of the year here.  I assumed they might be able to help me out.

Stop. Just stop.  I don't want to go down this rabbit hole.  My mother would catch me for sure.  Nico would be crushingly disappointed, and if I relapsed I don't know where exactly that would leave us. Cutting on the other hand.  No. Stop. Don't even go there.  Mom told me a few chores to get done.  I should focus on that.

After 10 minutes I felt like a failure.  I couldn't even pull myself together enough to put away dishes.  Trying was pointless.  Doing anything was pointless.  How was I to do anything if I couldn't even muster the concentration and effort to put away dishes?  What use was I?  I've now been sidelined twice as a medic due to my own self destructive habits.  I was a rather terrible boyfriend.  I lied and lied for weeks.  Then I scared Nico by overdosing.  I want... I don't... I should...I need...

My head space was getting pretty dark and a little clouded.  I recognized that I needed help at this point.  The better parts of me were screaming to IM mom, Nico, or someone.  I've done enough damaged to myself I didn't need to do more.  The better parts of me were getting drowned out by desire to numb everything till I felt better by whatever means necessary.  I just couldn't escape the feeling of wanting to curl in a ball a cry.  I suddenly noticed I was crying from depression and stress. 

It had been a long time since I truly fought back against my self destructive habits, and I was out of practice.  I could tell I was starting to lose this fight as cutting was sounding more and more like the only solution to this problem. I couldn't remember any of the techniques I was supposed to use when I was this depressed.  I knew don't stay in bed and try to continue with my day even if it was hard.  This right now wasn't hard, it was impossible.

Giving up, I went to the bathroom and pulled out a razor.  I could hide the evidence right?  The cuts would just blend into the others.  If asked I would just have to lie. 

At the word 'lie' my brain skidded to a stop.  I couldn't do that to everyone again, especially Nico.  I turned on the shower and IMed Nico.  I noticed I called him in the middle of class.  Great.  I couldn't even hold it together long enough to realize I should have thought about his schedule.  Before I could slash through the message Nico saw me.  I guess I must have looked horrible because he looked serious and instantly said, "I'll be there in less than a minute." 

Then I sat on the floor and fully broke down because I couldn't hold in the feeling of despair anymore.  30 seconds later Nico came in, put his arm around me, and sat next to me.

"What happened?"  Nico said in a soft voice.

After composing my self enough to talk I said, "I'm just having a bad day.  I'm should have waited to call you when I knew you would be out of class.  I'm sorry.  You should go back to class."

"If you think I'm leaving your delusional.  You don't break down this hard for a bad day.  Tell all of what's going on."

"I'm having a really depressed day, and I'm out of practice dealing with it."  In a much smaller voice I said, "I didn't feel safe by myself."

Recognition lit up his face letting me knew he understood exactly what I was trying to say.  Then he reached over and gave me an extremely tight hug.  "Always call.  I don't care if I'm in class or the middle of a quest always call.  It's far better than the alternative.  I rather get a thousand of these calls than to hear you relapsed in anyway once."  After standing he reached out his hand to help me up.  "So what do you say to movies, stuffed animals, and blankets?"

"Sounds like a good idea."

"Lets go to the living room"

We started watching the Lord of the Rings and were just finishing the first one when my mom got home.

Notes:

I had a depressed day when I wrote this. That's why the end of the chapter was dark.

Chapter 32: NA

Notes:

Thank you so much for the lovely comments. They made my day better. I won't be posting tomorrow so I decided to give you the post tonight.

Nico POV:

"Oh, Nico I didn't realize you were going to be here," Naomi said as she entered the room.

"Will called." That was the only explanation I was giving for the moment.

"Will, you have NA in 30 minutes," Naomi said trying to sound casual.

Will grimaced and took a deep breath. Even though he hadn't said anything I could tell he was dreading this. I was about to ask if there was anything I could do to help when Will said, "Nico, would you mind going with me? Travis said it was okay to bring someone if it would make this more tolerable for me."

"Of course," I was happy there was something I could do to help.

As Will got up he said, "I'm going to take a shower," and then left.

Naomi was watching Will till he was out of earshot then turned to me with a concerned look, "He called? Was he okay?"

"Not even close. He was in tears when he called me, and when I got here he said 'he didn't feel safe by himself'.  Should we have pushed harder for him to go back to rehab?  If he was tempted to cut I imagine he was tempted to go back to drugs as well.”

“I think the only thing that would have happened if we pushed him was him getting mad at us.  Remember him calling us is a big deal. He rarely asks for help.  Asking for help instead of relapsing is a large step in the right direction.”

"I guess.  I'm still very worried this is going to end badly."

"We will do everything we can for him, but in the end this is up to him."

I sighed accepting I was more or less powerless in this situation.

____

Will's POV

As we got closer to where the NA meeting was the more uncomfortable I got.

“Will I wanted to talk to you about something before we get there,” Nico said.

“Okay,” I said apprehensively 

“Just like when you were at therapy at Camp Half-Blood.  We don’t have to discuss anything you talk about at NA unless you want to or it has to do with us.  I won’t pretend like I didn’t hear something, but we don’t need to discuss it.”  Even though I had no plan of saying anything it was nice that if I changed my mind there wouldn’t need to rehash the matter later.

When we finally got to the place where the NA meeting was being held I froze.  Nico could see my hesitation.  After a minute of awkwardly standing outside Nico said, "I'll be with you the entire time, but you have to do this."

"I know I brought this on myself, but I don't want to go," I said trying to force myself past my discomfort.  I had to go. There was no way around it.  I took a deep breath and we entered the building.  It didn't take long to find the room where the NA meeting was.  There were 6 people there with chairs and couches arranged in a roundish shape.  Everyone seemed to be finding a place to sit so Nico and I sat on one of the couches.

"Hey, I'm Fred and I'm an addict.  It looks like we have some new faces here would you like to introduce yourselves?" A friendly-looking man of about 30 said.

Nico decided to spare me from going first saying, "I'm Nico and I'm here to support Will."

"And I'm Will.  I'm only really here because my mom says if I don't go to two NA meetings a week I can't live with her.  Her house is the only place I have to stay till the semester starts.  Don't expect my participation."  Nico gave me a disappointed look but said nothing.

"I'm Sara. I'm a coke addict.  At least your mom cares.  Mine gave up on me about a year before I got sober.  I pawned her mother's necklace.  She still hasn't forgiven me, and I don't know that she will.  Anyways," She said as she took a cleansing breath, "how is everyone doing this week?"

"Hi, I'm Jim. I'm a narcotics addict.  This week I had a relapse.  I slept with my ex who was also my dealer to get the drugs." I winced at this.  It brought up some memories that I rather left buried.  I noticed that Nico saw my change in expression.  I should probably explain that later.

"I'm Kim, oxy addict.  Dude, what set you off?  You had been clean almost a year, and left your ex for good reason."

"It was stupid."

"I'm Sasha.  If it made you relapse it wasn't stupid.  What happened?"  She said looking like trying to participate took real effort.

"My mom kept going on about how Lexi, my ex, was the perfect girl, and I was a fool to let her go.  Ever relationship that falls apart is always my fault.  How I kept my mom from finding out my drug habit I'll never know.  She doesn't know that Lexi introduced me to drugs, so to her it looked like I took another thing in my life and ruined it.  She said that at this rate I would never amount to anything if I keep screwing everything up.  On top of that I had a bad performance review at work.  That is what really pushed me over the edge with stress.  My mom being on my case about getting a relationship to work was just the icing.  So that was my awful week.  I'm back here trying to get back on track.  I refuse to let this ruin my life."

Sara interjected "That sucks man.  I'm glad you’re back."

"Me too," responded Jim.

Sara continued, "I for once had a good week. I've hit 6 months sober!" Everyone cheered for her. "It was great my parents threw me a party and I had my favorite cake."

Kim decided to tell about her week, "It was a mixed bag.  I found some of my old pain pills from the accident.  It took a long time for me to throw them in the toilet, but I did it. On a lighter note, my biology test and human sexuality exams came back and I passed.  It looks like I might actually make it through the semester."  She then looked down refusing to make eye contact with anyone. "Last semester I was so high that I couldn't even finish the semester.  After the car wreck, I got hooked on the pain pills and it ruined my life.  I'm just lucky that it was only my life that was ruined.  I still don't believe all the stupid stuff I did while I was high."

"You did great throwing away your pain pills.  You're getting better.  With time it will get easier." Fred said.

"Eliza, oxy addict.  How long does it take before this gets easier?!" Exclaimed Eliza. I was sharing that exact thought.  "I've been sober for three months and most days it still feels impossible."  That wasn't very confidence-inspiring.  "My sister's cancer is back and no one in my family will talk to me except her.  If she dies I have no one from my family left.  I pushed them all away with my drug use.  My dad says if I make it to 6 months we can talk about maybe having a relationship.  I don't know how I'm going to make it to next week let alone to six months.  My car broke down so I'm taking the bus to work and it takes twice as long.  I'm just sleeping, working, and going to meetings.  Honestly, this sucks."

"There is unfortunately no widely agreed upon time frame for recovery.  Everyone is different.  Taking things one day at a time is a real thing.  Try to focus on each day making it through.  If that is too much each hour or each minute depending on how things are going.  I've been sober for 10 years and there are still days where I'm taking it minute by minute because something threw me back to when I was getting high every other day." Said Fred.

Sara chimed in, "When it gets easier I'll let you know.  Fred how was your week."

"Not too bad.  Really just a blah week.  Sasha, how was your week?"

"I relapsed. I don't want to talk about it."

Fred moved on without question, “Will would you like to tell us about your week?”

My brain skidded to a stop then went into overdrive. If I participated did that mean I was admitting everyone was right that I still needed help? Was Travis right that I would never truly be rid of this?  Could this help? Was I desperate enough to try this?  After this morning maybe.

"Uh, okay." Nico seemed pleased at that. "Well, this week my ex-dealer checked into the rehab I was at.  I couldn't handle seeing her every hour without it taking a toll on my mental health so I checked out early.  Nico, my boyfriend, took me back to my mom's house so I could live there till I could move in for the semester to start.  This morning I woke up extremely depressed.  I'm still not used to handling bad emotions while sober.  The saving grace for the situation is I don't know any dealers in Texas.  I got extremely close to giving in to my cutting problem.  The only thing that stopped me was the thought that I would have to lie to my boyfriend and mom if they asked."  I looked down in shame.  "I lied enough to them.  So after going to the bathroom to cut I changed my mind and called Nico, and he came over.  A few hours later my mom got home and told me I needed to come here."

Kim chimed in, "That is a really rotten week."

Sara said, “Rehab is tough enough without having to see your dealer.”

“Ugh I still remember the withdrawals,” commented Fred. “I don’t think I could have gotten through if my dealer was there.”

“Yeah, it was jarring and sucked.  When she was talking in group about how I was her first customer I saw red.  I wanted to be in charge of what stories were known about me.  There were stories I knew I couldn’t sit through. While I told my therapist there was anything unresolved with what I did while I was using I still haven’t made peace with what I did or even had the opportunity to do.”

"How long were you in rehab for?" Eliza asked.

"Three weeks," I said

Kim interjected, "You should consider checking into another program.  Three weeks isn't very long.  I was there for two months, and I still found the first week out almost impossible.  At three weeks I would have just relapsed."

"Well, I'm not going back.  I don't know any dealers in Texas so I should be fine."

"Do not underestimate your cleverness. Mine has bit me in the ass more times than I can count."  Eliza added.  "Before everyone found out I was an addict I was visiting home in Main and thought the same thing you did.  I'll be fine.  I'll stay clean this time because I don't know how to get drugs here.  A very long story short.  I was high within 48 hours."  That story gave me pause.  Was I really doing the right thing? 

The meeting moved on from me and I zoned out trying to process everything I had already heard.

 

Notes:

So what does Will need to explain?

Chapter 33: The worst things I've ever done

Notes:

You all were wondering what Will did so I’ll get right to it. I couldn't wait for your reaction so I posted!

Nico seemed unusually quiet and troubled as we were walking back to my mom's house. After about 10 minutes of silence, Nico decided to speak up, "I'm only saying something because this might have something to do with us. Why did you wince when Jim mentioned sleeping with his dealer?" In a much smaller and timid voice, he asked, "Did you cheat on me for drugs?" All the time he was speaking he never looked directly at me.

I wish I could say the question had no bearing in reality, but I couldn't. "No," I said but after taking a deep breath I continued, "but it was offered as a way to get me out of debt.” Nico’s head snapped in my direction.  “There are some things you should know." Nico looked extremely concerned about this. What I was about to tell him were the things I never wanted to see the light of day. The possibility of having to hear these stories told by Gemma was a good portion of the reason I left rehab. Even though I was ashamed Nico deserved to know the truth about the person I became on drugs.

"Once I got into debt to Gemma and didn't have a way of getting out of it quickly. I knew I wouldn't pass a drug test to get a job, so that was out. I had no clue what to do until the monthly check from my mom came. Gemma had an enforcer that I didn't want to meet. She proposed that if I slept with her she would clear my debt and give me more oxy to last the rest of the month." Nico looked heartbroken and a little distrusting. "I said no immediately! Then the threats started. I had one week to pay her back before she would take other actions. She didn't specify what those other actions were and I didn’t ask.  I could guess though.

After a week I still didn't have the money and was going through withdrawals. It was the week I said I had somehow caught the flu." I saw a flash of remembrance on Nico's face. "Gemma saw that I wouldn't sleep with her so she had me deliver drugs and get the money for her from her regular clients till the debt was paid.  I imagine her enforcer would have been brought in had I refused." I paused for a moment trying to compose myself.

"So you were dealing drugs," Nico said as a statement more than a question.

"Yes," I said ashamed.

"Is there more to the story?" Nico asked.

"Unfortunately, yes. After doing that for a week and getting a cracked rib by one of Gemma's regulars. He was out of his mind when I visited him. I realized that I couldn't keep doing this.  I had to find some cash somehow.  I stole something from Lou Ellen's shop and pawned it for the money." I said staring at the ground.

"That's a lot to take in," Nico said before being quiet for a long time.

I couldn't do anything but stare at the ground. I was ashamed of all of it. I was ashamed that I put myself in the position that Gemma asked me to sleep with her, even though I didn't do it. After about ten minutes I begged, "Please say something. I know those are the worst things I have ever done. If you didn't want to be with me after hearing that I would understand." I said with tears pooling in my eyes. 

I hadn’t noticed but Nico was crying, “I have to know is there anything else?”

“No, I never let myself get in that position again.  I made up some excuse so my mom gave me more money each month.”

“I’m guessing you haven’t made it right with Lou Ellen yet.”

“That’s correct,” I said with my head down. 

“You know if you asked I would have helped you, right?”

“I didn’t want you to know, and I didn’t want get better then.  I also was a little bit hopeless that things could get better.”

“Will, I need some time to process this. It’s finals week, and I don’t have the mental space to deal with this right now. Today is Wednesday. Can we talk about this on Saturday?”

“Yeah, I totally get that,” I said trying to recompose myself.  I was the one who screwed up.  This had to be on Nico's terms.

“Can I talk to Jason about this?”

“Yes, talk to whoever you need to.  It’s not like you’d be saying anything that isn’t true.”

We got back to my mom’s house.  “If I leave now are you going to do something stupid?”  Nico asked looking me straight in the eye.

I forced myself to commit to being okay if only just for tonight no matter how much I wanted an escape from the massive mess that is my life. “Go study. I’ll make sure I’m fine tonight.”

“You should tell your mom how bad this afternoon got. She wants to help.”

“I don't want to bother her."

“You won't I promise, but that is up to you.  I got to go. Bye”

“Bye”

 

Notes:

Will Nico be okay with this on Saturday?

Chapter 34: What to do?

Notes:

Very early post, but you guys gave me such wonderful comments!

Nico POV:

After dinner Percy, Annabeth, and Jason came to my room.  I told them I didn't know what to do in my relationship and needed advice. 

"So what is so urgent we needed to come straight over after dinner?"  Percy asked.

"I went to an NA meeting with Will after he called me because he needed help."

"Whatever you're about to say those meetings are supposed to be private,"  Annabeth said.

"I know.  This isn't about what happened in the meeting but what happened after.  Will did something in the meeting that made me ask if he cheated on me for drugs."  Percy, Annabeth, and Jason's eyes went wide.

"He wouldn't do that to you. No matter how desperate he was.  He loves you too much to betray you like that."  Jason piped in.

"You're right.  He didn't.  He did something else, and I don't know what I think about it."

"Well, spill what did he do?   It can be worse than him using drugs all semester and lying about it." Percy interjected.  I gave him a stare that said he wasn't necessarily right.

"Oh gods, what did he do?"  Jason said after seeing my look.

"He got in debt to his dealer.  She proposed sleeping with him to clear the debt and get the drugs for the rest of the month.  Will declined, thank gods, or I have no clue what I would be doing right now.  After he spent a week he went into withdrawals and couldn't come up with the money.  His dealer had him selling drugs for her till the debt was paid.  After a week he stole from a shop to pay off his debt.  He still hasn't made that right."  Percy and Jason just stared in shock.  "I told him I couldn't deal with this right now and needed to focus on finals.  I told him we would talk about it Saturday."

"What are you going to do?" Jason asked.

"That's what I don't know.  I'm dating someone who stole and sold drugs."

"He was under duress.  I imagine there would have been consequences with his dealer if he didn't do something."  Percy commented.

"He still did it though."

"Have you forgiven him for his drug use and lying?" Annabeth asked.

I thought about this for a while.  Had I forgiven him?  While the drug use was bad I wasn't upset about it anymore, mostly worried.  On the other hand, it still made me angry to think about how many times he lied. 

"I guess not," I said coming to that realization.

"If you are going to make this work you have to forgive him for all of it- the lying, drug use, drug dealing, and theft.  If you can't you'll never be able to have a healthy relationship again even if it's just as friends.  Even if you do forgive him it doesn't mean you should stay with him." Annabeth said.

"What are you going to do?" Percy unhelpfully asked.

I collapsed on my bed before saying, "I don't know.  That's why I asked for your help.  I'm still deeply in love with him, but I think I'm too far in this to see clearly.  Honestly, should I stay?"

Everyone was quiet for a while before Jason said something, "I know it looks bad now.  If he does this again, you should leave.  I don't mean if he relapses, but if he goes the whole 9 yards of covering it up.  He told you of his own volition that he stole and sold drugs.  He didn't have to.  You didn't make him swear to get the truth.  He is honestly trying to earn his way back.  I think you should give him the chance."

"What do you two think?"

"Even at his lowest, he wouldn't cheat on you.  He chose to go without a drug he was addicted to and went into withdrawals so he didn't cheat.  It shows there are lines he will never cross.  I think the boy you fell in love with is still there and you should let him fight his way back to you."  Jason said.

"I expect more from a relationship than 'I won't cheat on you',"

"You're right.  You deserve better than what Will has given you over the past few weeks.  That being said he went to Tartarus for you, so you wouldn't be alone, and has done countless other things over the past few years to prove he is worth the second chance."  Annabeth said.

"Thanks. This helped.  I still need to figure out how to forgive him and can go from there."

_____

Will's POV:

It didn't surprise me when I found myself in a dream with my dad. He looked possibly more disappointed than he did at the hospital. I sat down on the bench next to him and buried my head in my hands knowing this conversation was going to be painful.

"I heard everything you told Nico."

"I figured based on your expression."

"So, my son is an actual criminal," Apollo said without much change in tone or expression.

"I thought you already knew that from my drug use."

"I've never thought that using drugs should be a criminal offense. People who are using need help not punishment. Dealing drugs and stealing is another matter entirely. I am glad you didn't stoop so low as to sleep with your dealer, but I don't think what you ended up doing was much better. You were in way over your head at that point. Why didn't you ask for help?"

"I was ashamed, and I wasn't ready to give up drugs." I said honestly looking at the ground.

"As a note, this should have been something you mentioned when I asked 'if there was anything else important I should know' at the hospital."

"I just couldn't face it. Saying it out loud would make it real and I couldn't face it. I already admitted to failing spectacularly. I couldn't add to it."

"Here," Dad handed me some amount of cash. "Let me help you fix this mistake as much as it can be fixed. Does that cover the value of the item you stole and some?"

"Uh, yes," I said confused.

"Good, put it in your pocket and it will be there when you wake up. Confess to Lou Ellen, and give her all of the money as restitution."

"What if she hates me or turns me over to the cops?" I asked.

"Well, that was the risk you took when you stole from her."

"I know. I'm ashamed of what I did." I said still never looking up from the ground.

Apollo gently turned my chin so I would be looking at him, "This doesn't change that I'm proud of you for getting sober and trying hard to stay that way. I saw how much you were struggling and when you were out of your depth you called Nico. You're getting better, but you still need to rectify what you can of what you did."

"I know it's the right thing to do."

"Yes, it is. I see you're waking up now. Good luck." Then the dream dissolved.

Notes:

How is Lou going to react?

Chapter 35: Thursday Therapy

Notes:

Thank you for the amazing comments!

After talking with Nico there was a lot on my mind by the time Thursday came around.

"How are you doing?"  Travis asked.

I wish I could say fine, but I wasn't really.  "Stressed.  It's been a tough week.  Yesterday I woke up extremely depressed and was craving drugs.  I came very close to cutting, but stopped at the last minute and called Nico."

Travis looked proud, "Calling and asking for help when you need it is great progress."

"That evening I asked Nico to go to the NA meeting with me.  Nico caught me wincing at another person's story in NA, and long story short I ended up telling him all of the shameful stuff I did while I was on drugs."

"Care to loop me in so we are on the same page?" 

"Um," I said nervously.

"Remember this is confidential.  Unless you plan on harming yourself or are abusing an elder or minor.  Whatever you did won't leave this call."  Travis assured me.

I then proceeded to stumble through telling him what I had told Nico yesterday.  I didn't feel any better about it the second time around.  "He said we would talk about it Saturday, and I don't know what he is going to say."

"You can't control what other people do."

"What if he can't forgive what I did and breaks it off?  I don't think he has forgiven the lying and drug use already."

"He might," That didn't make me feel any better, "and I think you should have a plan if that happens.  If that happens you are going to be upset and probably have a hard time dealing with your emotions safely.  What do you know about when you are going to talk to him?  Do you know where you will be and who you could call?"

"Nico is going to shadow travel me back to New Rome on Friday after his finals so I can make things right with Lou Ellen.  I'm sleeping in my old dorm room so he doesn't have to make so many jumps so quickly.  I still won't be seeing him alone much on Friday because of his plans with Percy and Jason."

"Okay, do you know what the plan is after you talk?"

"Nico is going to shadow travel me back to my mom's house."

"Could you talk to your mom beforehand and tell her what might happen? Let her know you will need help."

"I could do that, but I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I don't want her to know how hard I'm struggling.  If she knew she would be pushing for me to go back to rehab." I said.

"Being honest about how you are doing will do you far more good than covering it up.   Also, it would do you good to get out of the habit of hiding how you are doing.  If you end up relapsing it will be easier to admit if you are already used to talking about this with the people you care about.  Are you still against talking to your mom?"

"I guess not." I shrugged. 

"Then is that the plan?"

"I think so."

_____

Unfortunately, all that stress turned into another depressive episode.  I did what you're not supposed to do and just curled up in bed and cried.  Things were clearly getting to me and I wasn't coping well.  The idea of talking to Lou Ellen was scary, and the idea of talking to Nico was scary.  As per usual at my lowest, I was craving an escape.  I started running through the thought process of how to get high but in the end, it took too much effort.  Cutting was as appealing as ever though.  Noticing my cuff for the first time in a while it was shining orange.  Honestly, I wish someone was here to call me out on it.  Alas, I was alone. 

Mom wouldn't be home for another hour.  If I could hold out for another hour, I would be fine.  The meaner voices in my head mocked me, saying, "An hour yeah right you'll never last that long."  The depression was giving me brain fog and making it harder to fight off my worst impulses. So I didn't.  Forty-five minutes later I was sitting on the bathroom floor having a panic attack about the eight new lines on my hip. 

Nico was going to be mad.  He told me to call before I crossed a line, and I didn't.  Maybe he expected me to fail because he did add to call if I crossed a line.  I was panicking too hard to focus on trying to IM him.  The medic in me was also taking inventory of my cuts and realized that at least one needed stitches.  I could heal everything up with a bit of nectar, but that should be saved for a real emergency.

Soon I heard a knock at the door.  "Honey NA is in 45 minutes."  I did my best to stop crying but couldn't. "Are you alright?" She said suddenly worried.

"I'll be out in a minute," I managed to say with no too shaky voice and dodging the question.  

"If you're not out in 2 minutes I'm coming in."  My mom said seriously.  That put a clock on things.  While I could cover up the cuts I still needed stitches.  I needed to tell my mom, and that wasn't going to be a fun time.  After about 90 seconds I stopped trying to put myself together and came out.  My mom instantly zoned in on my tears and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Um...I need you to take me to the hospital." Her eyes got wide and started searching me for injuries.  "I cut and one of the cuts won't stop bleeding."  I managed to choke out.

Her expression softened and she said, "Let me see." I showed her the cuts, and she knelt down to examine them.  "Two of those look like they could benefit from stitches."  She stood up and grabbed my shoulders and waited till I looked her in the eye to say, "Did you do anything else I should know about?"

"No," I said trying to contain my tears.  I was depressed and in pain and just wanted everything to stop being so awful. 

"Okay," she said taking a deep breath. "Wait for me in the car and I'll be there in a few minutes.  Given the circumstances, I'll give you a pass on going to two NA meetings this week."

We drove to the hospital in silence.  I couldn't tell if mom had questions and was holding them back or not.  I wasn't looking forward to the conversation with the doctors or nurses.  This would be the first time I would have to be treated for self-harm outside of CHB's infirmary or the hospital at New Rome.

Once we got to the hospital my mom handed me the paperwork to fill out saying, "At this point, you know more of your medical history than I do."  The triage nurse was kind and didn't say anything about my self-harm, but did give me a depression questionnaire I recognized.  She then sent me back to the waiting room.  

Filling out the form was eye-opening. I’d scored these things before so I knew what a bad score looked like. I hadn’t quite realized how out of hand my depression had gotten.  I knew my answer to the last question about suicidal thoughts/self-harm was going to get me questioned, but I was done lying.  Also since that was why I was there it didn’t seem like lying would get me anywhere.

It didn't take long for me to be called back.  I think they didn't want blood all over their floor since I already had bleed through the gauze I had put on it.  I was led back to a room with a gurney and sat down.

"The doctor will be in in a moment," the nurse said after I handed her the questionnaire.

Waiting was a little nerve racking because I didn't know how these things were dealt with in hospitals that weren't New Rome's Medical Center.  I knew that New Roam ran things differently than a lot of hospitals.  I was pulled out of my thoughts by a short brunette with chocolate eyes and a high ponytail.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Avanoa.  My chart says you need to be treated for some cuts.  Can you show me please?"  I gritted my teeth and pulled down the side of my jeans by an inch and the cuts were fully visible.

"Uh... I'm feeling lightheaded."

"Lay down please and I'll examine your cuts.  My chart says you couldn't stop the bleeding.  How long has it been bleeding?"

"An hour 15 minutes."

"Okay well, let me numb you up and I'll start stitching up these two larger cuts."  She said professionally, "Are you afraid of needles?"

"No, would it change anything if I was?"

"Not the treatment but I like to know so I know if you are going to flinch or not."

I was starting to hope that I was going to get away with not having to say anything about how I got these cuts.  After she injected the numbing she asked, "So, how did you get these cuts?"

I mentally cringed.  Being asked about my self-harm was a touchy subject on the best of days and today wasn't the best of days. "There self inflicted with a razor blade."

"I'm sorry.  That is a tough thing to be going through."  She said compassionately.  I suddenly didn't feel quite so ashamed.  "How often do you cut? I see quite a bit of scar tissue here but it looks old."

"Four times in the last month but before that it had been years."

"This is just a bump in the road.  You can get better.  What happened a month ago to set you off?"  She asked non-judgmentally.

"It isn't a short or happy story."

"Well, we aren't going anywhere till I get this stitched up.  You made a pretty deep laceration its going to take me a minute to fix you up."  She said and I could hear the concentration in her voice.

"27 days ago was the adversary of my brother's death.  I didn't have any of my siblings with me this year to share the grief.  I relapsed with oxy and over dosed.  Fortunately for me by boyfriend and two of our friends found me and took me to the hospital.  My boyfriend convinced me to go to rehab only for me to check my self out three weeks later because my ex dealer was checked into the same rehab facility.  I've been out of there for 4 days now and I'm not doing well as you can see."

"That is a really tough break.  I'm sorry about your brother.  Drugs can be a hard thing to get away from especially when you get upset.  Okay I'm just wrapping up here and then we need to talk about a few things."  I sat up on the gurney and she took a seat on the stool in the room holding my chart.  "First thing I need to know based on how deep some of your cuts were was this self-harm where you cut too deep or was this a suicide attempt?"

"Gosh, no. I cut a little too deep."

"I'm sure you've heard the spiel before about how this is a dangerous way of coping."

"I've heard the spiel.  It's not that I want to be doing this.  I just got desperate to feel anything besides this overwhelming feeling of misery.  Since I don't know a dealer here drugs weren't an option."  I mumbled the last sentence.

"With time it will get easier to resist the temptation.  Now I want to talk about the questionnaire you filled out.  It's shows you have sever depression.  I don't see any anti-depressants in your medical information would you be interested in that or therapy?"

"I was on anti-depressants for a few years and got off of them.  I wouldn't mind going back on them if they could help." I admitted honestly relieved that maybe there could be something to help chemically. "I already have a therapist."

"Okay, I will write you a script for an anti-depressant.  Do you remember what medication you were on before that helped."  I told her the medication and she continued, "We need to talk about is the last question of the questionnaire." She said with a far more serious tone. "You indicated in the last two weeks that you felt like you would be better off dead or had thoughts of hurting yourself.  Can you elaborate on that?"

"I... Uh..." I was feeling very uncomfortable at the question.  Just because she knew I had self-harmed didn't mean I wanted to really talk about it. "I don't think I would be better off dead.  I hurt myself when I get entirely overwhelmed."

"If things start to change where you do start feeling like you would be better off dead I want you to come back to the ER.  We can help.  I also wanted to bring up is we have a rehab program you are welcome to check into if you feel that would be helpful."

"Thank you for the offer but I'm not planning on being here for long.  I should be starting my new semester of college in 2 weeks.  I already had to drop out one semester due to drugs I wasn't looking to make it two."

"Oh where do you go to college?"

"A small town in California.  You can't even find it on a map."

"Alright well if you change your mind you are welcome to check in here.”

“Thanks,” I said as I left.

 

 

 

Notes:

I hope you have a lovely Saturday. How do you think Nico is going to react?

Chapter 36: Restitution

Notes:

Due to lovely comments here is a quick post.

Getting home from the hospital, I only wanted to sleep, but Nico told me I needed to tell him if I crossed a line.  I was done hiding my failures.

"Show me Nico in New Rome." Nico shimmered into focus.

"Will!" Nico said looking relieved. I suddenly remembered that Nico could always tell when I cut by my death aura.  If he was paying attention he already knew. Great.

"I relapsed in cutting. I would have IMed earlier but Mom had to take me to the hospital for stitches."

"Will, are you alright?"  Nico asked sympathetically.

"No, I don't know why this is so hard.  I should be fine."

"You need more help.  You should still be in rehab.  I'm pretty sure you still need in-patient help."  Nico looked desperate for me to listen to him.

"I'm already in therapy and I'm going back on my anti-depressant.  I don't need rehab, and I'm not going back to the psych ward." I tried to say with enough confidence he'd believe me. He didn't.  I was so irritated with everyone telling me I should go back.  Why should I?  I hadn't relapsed with drugs.  I'll be fine.

"Will,"  Nico said.  I could tell he was trying not to cry, "Please,"

"Today was a one-off.  I'll be fine."  I tried to convince him, but I wasn't making any progress on that.

Nico schooled his features into something a bit sterner.  "It wasn't, and you know it.  Yesterday you were desperate and on the edge of relapse before you IMed me.  Today you didn't call for help and relapsed.  Stop lying to yourself, and stop lying to me.  I'd bet good money that you would have gotten high had you known where to get the drugs."

I winced.  I was determined to stop lying to Nico.  "I'll get it together.  Are you mad?"

The stern look washed away from Nico's face in an instant, "No, of course not.  I know you're trying.  I'm just really worried about you.  For the love of all the gods please just call when things get that dark."

"I can try."

_____

Friday after finals Nico shadow traveled me back to New Rome. I was extremely nervous walking into Lou Ellen's shop. Fortunately, I was able to find her quickly.  Unfortunately, that started the clock to my likely demise. 

"Lou, how are you?" I said as I approached the counter.

She gave me a piercing stare. "I'm fine." The mild coldness in her tone made me wonder if she knew all along.

"Can I please take you out for coffee or lunch? There is something I need to discuss with you." This was going to suck.

"Sure I can take my lunch now. Jaxs you're in charge till I get back."

"Where would you like to go?" I asked wishing I could put this off but knowing that wasn't the right thing to do.  At least if there was a walk to the restaurant I could at least delay my possible imprisonment.

"There is a coffee shop up the road. I love their pastries."

"Pastries for lunch?" I chuckled trying to find some humor before everything falls apart.

Lou Ellen loosened up, smiled, and said, "Now don't go all health nut on me."

Once we had our pastries we ate at a table outside, and it was time to get to why I had come.

"Lou, um there is no good way to put this. About 6 weeks ago I stole from your shop. I can't apologize enough. Here is the money I owe you plus some." I said as I handed over the money. If I was more courageous I would have made eye contact, but I could only stare at my muffin in shame.

She let the silence hang there for a minute before saying, "I know." I instantly snapped my eyes up at her.

"If you knew why didn't you say something or have me arrested?"

"Mercy."  It took her a moment to compose the rest of her thoughts, "I know you, and I figured eventually you would come and make it right.  If you didn't we didn't have to be friends. We had been friends for far too long for me to ruin your life.  I had no idea what possessed you to steal. If you needed money that bad you could have asked. I want an explanation though."  She said with crossed arms.  Clearly, even if she wasn't going to call the police, she was still mad.  It was better than I deserved.

"And you deserve one. It's a bit of a long story."

"I have time for this." She said seriously.

"It's not a happy story." I took a deep breath and started. "I don't remember if I told you when I told you about my self-harm that before that I had been getting high off oxy from the infirmary. I had stopped that shortly after I started. This semester I got in over my head. I," Damn I wish I had never done this, "took Adderall to study for a test then took oxy to handle the bad dreams afterward. I became addicted quickly. Soon I got into debt with my dealer. I was told I could sleep with her to clear my debt and get the drugs I needed for the rest of the month." Lou looked appalled. "Yeah, I know. I never should have put myself in that situation. Anyway, I said no what she proposed after this was selling to her regulars for her until my debt was paid. After a week and a cracked rib, I stole from your store to pay off my debt.

I didn't want to ask anyone for help because I didn't want them to know what I had gotten into. That didn't last for long because about 2 weeks later or so I overdosed. Nico convinced me to go to rehab, and I just checked myself out."

She stared at her tea for quite some time without saying anything for a few minutes. When she finally talked she said, "Why didn't you tell me that you were in the hospital with an overdose? We have been friends forever."

"I was ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know. Percy, Jason, and Nico were the ones that found me. Other than that the only people who knew were Kayla, Austin, Kyle, Hazel, and my dad. They only knew because Nico told them. I'm sorry. I should have IMed you."

"Yes, you should have. I would have understood and it would have explained why you stole from me. So, how long have you been sober?"

"28 days."

"How was getting sober?"

"It sucked. Honestly, it still sucks. I'm so sorry for what I did. I never should have done it."

"I forgive you. Now that you have made it right let's move on. I'm guessing you're back to cutting?" She said pointedly looking at my bandaged forearm while sipping her tea waiting for me to talk.

"Um," I scratched the back of my neck not ready for this conversation. "I had a hard time in rehab. My dealer checked into rehab and I didn't handle it well.  I also haven't handled being without drugs well.  I'm working on getting better."

"Glad to hear it. Unfortunately, I need to get back to the shop before Jaxs burns down the place."

"It's been good seeing you."

"You too. I'm glad we can go back to being friends." She said with a smile before walking back to her shop.  Maybe things could get better.

Notes:

Lou Ellen was the most understanding reaction of anyone. How is Will going to handle being in New Rome for the first time since rehab.

Chapter 37: Mistake after Mistake

Notes:

Thank you for the comments. I love them so much. That is why you are getting so many chapters this week.

I was alone back in my old dorm with too much time on my hands and a pool of panic in my gut.  All I could think about was what Nico would say the next day.  It wasn't doing me any good to dwell, but I couldn't do anything else.  I couldn't see how Nico was going to do anything besides break up with me.  It was the logical conclusion.  He finally heard all of the ways I went off the deep end and we were finished.  He was probably discussing it with Jason and Percy as I sat here.  For the love of the gods I just needed to go to sleep and forget that tomorrow was shaping up to be a horrible day.  Instead, I left to go distract myself. 

The drinking age in New Rome was 18.  I guess they figured after training in the legion you were mature enough to make your own decisions regarding alcohol.  I decided to go to a sports bar to see if there were any interesting games to watch.  I would sometimes do that while I was bored.  First mistake of the night.

The most interesting thing on was billiard trick shot championships, not really my interest.  I decided staying out and distracting myself was better than sitting in a lonely dorm room.  The sports bar had a pool table.  That was always fun to play.  So that's what I did for the next hour.  I made my way to leave only to be stopped by Eric.

"Hey man I haven't seen you in weeks!  What have you been up to?"  If I was smart and okay with being rude I would just leave.  Eric and I would get high together prior to me getting sober .  I didn't need this right now.  Alas, I wasn't rude so I answered.  My second mistake of the night.

"Overdosed and checked into rehab." I deadpanned hoping he would get the hint I wasn't into talking.  While I missed Eric as a friend I didn't need to be dragged back into all the stupid mistakes I made over the semester.

"Seriously? You're sober?" Eric laughed. "You got high more than anyone else I know."

"Well, it wasn't all my choice,"  I grumbled remembering the hospital and how everyone was on my case.

"Dude, let me buy you a drink and you can tell me all about it.  A drink is fine right?" Eric asked.

"Sure, why not?"  My third mistake of the night.

"Want to play pool while we talk?"

I smiled at that.  It would be good to have someone to compete against.  "That sounds great"

After I finished my drink and a round of pool I caught him up on my overdose, rehab stay, and the last 5 days of hell and how I expected tomorrow Nico would be done with me.

"That is a tough break. I imagine if my girl found out she would probably react the same."

"Things are so strained.  I'm so stressed.  I just want the nightmare to stop.  My dad even came into my dreams to tell me how disappointed he was by the things I did while high."

"You need another drink,"  Eric stated as he went to the bar for another drink.  After downing this I was fully drunk on my second drink.  This night might not be starting off the best.  At this point I considered calling Nico.  Thing were getting out of control.  Eric stamped out that thought by handing me another beer.

After tha drink I declared myself done drinking for the night.  We played another round of pool mostly silent when Erick asked, "I know you're sober, but it didn't sound like that was really by choice.  I have some oxy.  Do you want some?"

It must have been my alcohol muddled brain, but suddenly that sounded like the best idea in the world.  It had been a hard week and I deserved a break.  "Thanks that would be awesome."  My fourth mistake of the night.  From then our night at the bar was very chill.  We sat back in a boot both enjoying the high and a few burgers.  An hour later we were ready to leave.

"Do you want a ride back to the dorms?" Eric asked.

"That would be great," My final mistake.

Notes:

So what happens at the end of the night? How will Nico react?

As a note, I love billiard trick shot championships.

Chapter 38: Not Everything is Fixable

Notes:

I changed my mind about posting this Saturday. I couldn't wait to hear your feedback! Posting one day early!

This one went through a lot of rewrites. I hope you enjoy it!

Nico's POV

I was playing poker with Jason and Percy in Jason's room when it happened. I'd noticed something was off with Will's death aura for a few hours now.  It was only slightly off, so I did my best not to worry.   Suddenly it went dark. I dropped my cards out of shock from the sudden change.

"Is everything okay?" Jason asked.

"I don't think so. Something is wrong with Will. I need to find him." I said panicked.

"We'll help. Do you have any idea where he is?" Percy said.

"No, I..."

"Try IM!" Jason said urgently, "That's how we found him last time." I didn't want to think about last time.

I started the message and was horrified by what I saw.  Will was in a car wreck, bleeding, and out cold. I couldn't get much context of where he was though. The message ended, and I was no closer to finding Will.

"Nico, I can search the city for a car wreck faster than you can. I'll go and message you where he is when I find him. Stay calm he'll be fine." Jason said as he ran out the door.

"Percy, I can't lose him. I know we are on the rocks but he is the love of my life. If he dies I... I..." I tried to finish my sentence but just started crying.  Percy was trying to comfort me the best he could while we waited for Jason.

5 minutes later Jason IM popped up, "He is at the corner of Fifth and Main. The ambulance is already here. Nico go to the hospital and we will meet you there."

I was too much of a mess to try to shadow travel anywhere, so Percy drove. It took an agonizing 15 minutes to get there. By the time we got there, Jason was pacing the waiting room. "There is no word on how he is doing yet. I rode in the ambulance to get here. The paramedics didn't seem to indicate how bad it was.”

"Uh, okay. He’s getting help. He'll be fine." I said more to myself than anyone. We sat down in the waiting room and waited. It took forever to hear anything. After an hour Hazel, Kyle, and Lou Ellen had joined us waiting. Since we didn't know anything there wasn't much to talk about. We were too worried to talk.   Afraid if we said the wrong thing we would tempt fate.

After two hours and all of my tears had been spent I finally heard, "Family of William Solace." I was the only one who went up to the doctor; everyone else waited. "Let's talk in here before you see him." I then realized it was the same doctor I had talked to last time about Will.  We were in the same room as last time. Dread was pooling in my stomach. 

"He is going to make it." the doctor said.  I started crying again from relief. "He was in pretty bad shape when he got here. He has a concussion. He had 5 cracked ribs with a punctured lung that were healed along. His broken right leg will need to heal on its own. It will take a week to heal and he should be off of it for another week."

"Thank you," I said breathing a sigh of relief.

"I'm sorry but there is more." I felt a pit of dread in my stomach. "We took a blood sample to send to the lab for a toxic screen as well as routine blood work. There was alcohol in his blood system, quite a lot of it actually, as well as narcotics."

"Narcotics as in plural?"

"Yes, there was oxycodone and fentanyl." 

I felt numb. "Dangerous amounts?"

"Yes, even though the amount of fentanyl was small it was near the limit of what his body could take."

This wasn't happening. Not again. "Is he awake?" I asked as a more automatic thing since I was too numb to think.

"No, he should come around probably in a day or two.  The concussion was severe.  He has been transferred to the ICU until he wakes up. Room 107. It's through the door to the right of this room then take the next left. You can head there whenever you are ready."

After the doctor went out everyone else piled into the room.

"So?" Kyle asked

Detached I said, "Concussion, 5 cracked ribs, punctured lung, broken right leg, and alcohol, oxy, and fentanyl in his system." I didn't notice the tears running down my cheek till Hazel wiped them away.

"Can we see him?" Lou Ellen asked

"You can see him. I'm going home. I can't deal with this right now." I said as I got up to leave the room. Hazel chased after me.

"No your not going back to your dorm room. You're staying with me. You clearly are not okay, and I don't want you to be alone."

"Okay"

-----(Sunday 2 days later)-----

 

Will's POV:

I woke up with a pounding headache.  I was in a hospital, probably an ICU room by the looks of things. I was racking my brain to figure out how I got here. My last memories slowly started coming back to me- Eric, playing pool, and drinking.  Then I remembered to my horror I had oxy.  I didn't know if Nico would forgive me this time.  My memory was blank after that.  I couldn't find a reason I would be in the hospital.  Did I overdose?  Nico would kill me, somehow bring me back, and kill me again. Then he’d berate my ghost for my poor choices.

I saw Nico walk in with a cup of coffee and a look I hadn't seen in years. He looked broken, completely broken.  When he saw me he slightly smiled. "Hey, I'm glad you're awake." I couldn't even form words. My thoughts were too jumbled.  Nico's smile dropped and he said, "Um, I have bad news. The guy you were in the car wreck with died. He didn't suffer. It was quick."

"Car crash? Someone died?"  I was so confused.  My head hurt so much.

Nico had a look of horror on his face, "I'm so sorry. I would have delivered that differently if I realized you didn't remember.  You were the passenger in a car with someone named Eric Stills.  He crashed into a tree.  He died on impact.  I'm so sorry."

"Oh gods," I said before I started crying. Nico comfort me as best he could.  I think he took some of my grief onto himself, but that might have been my imagination.

It was a few hours later before either one of us really spoke.  Nico went to get coffee a few times, and I just tried to wrap my head around what had happened.  Nico eventually broke the silence and asked, "What do you remember happening?"  The way he asked the question was as if all joy and happiness had been sucked out of him.

"I was trying to distract myself, so I went to see if there were any sports showing at the sports bar. There wasn't so I played pool. Eric, the guy in the car, came in a while later.  We were friends.  I would hang out with him when I was high.  I started to drink after he got there.  We talked about me getting sober.  He then offered me some oxy because he said 'it didn't sound like getting sober was my choice.' I had indicated it wasn't.  We both took some.  An hour later he offered to drive me home. Gods, I got into the car with someone who was high." I said in disbelief.  I knew I made bad choices, but I didn't realize I had made down right stupid ones.

"You were high.  Did you expect to make wise choices?  At least you didn't lie about the oxy or drinking." Nico said bitterly, and it hurt to hear. "But what about the fentanyl that was in your bloodstream?"

I was alarmed at that, "Fentanyl?" I said with a shaky voice suddenly very concerned and scared about what I did.  That stuff is lethal in the smallest of doses. "Gods, what did I do? I don't remember taking anything besides the oxy.  I swear on the Styx."

"Did you even once think about IMing me?  You know at a minimum I would have made sure you were safe.  Did you even debate taking the drugs or deciding to drink?"  Nico asked still not getting mad, which I think was worse.

"I thought about IMing you once, but then I started drinking again.  I didn't resist," I said ashamed, "I can't believe I had fentanyl." 

"You're smart enough to know that illegal drugs aren't always what people say they are.  It's very possible the oxy and fentanyl were mixed.  The doctor said you were near the limit of what you could take. You mixed alcohol and narcotics, nearly killed yourself with fentanyl, and then got into a car where the driver was high," Nico said frustrated.

After a minute of silence Nico asked, "Do you know how scared I get when I see your death aura darken?"  He wasn't frustrated anymore but seemed resigned to some sad fact.

"I know 'I'm sorry' doesn't really cut it. Nico, I need help.  I'm going back to rehab.  I thought I could handle this, but I really can't.  I'm going for the full 60 days this time.  I'll get better!" I said desperate to avoid whatever sad fact Nico had realized because it was starting to dawn on me what it could be.  "If I don't change something I'm going to end up dead," I said the last part more to myself. 

"I've heard you say that you'd get better before, and the second you got the opportunity you got high.  I.  Don't.  Believe.  You.  Anymore."  The statement hung heavy in the air for a minute.  Neither one of us prepared to break the silence, because we both knew nothing good would come after that sentence.

Nico decided to continue, "You can't get sober for me.  You have to do it for yourself or it won't stick.  It took less than 5 days for you to go back to drugs. I don't recognize the person you have become. Drugs, selling, theft, and now drinking, which is honestly the least troubling of the four.  What's next?"  I had to wince. It felt like a slap to the face, even though it was earned.  My life was truly out of control.  "The prior drug use I forgave.  The lying was a bit harder but I was working on getting there.  The selling and theft were a hard pill to take, but I would forgive that in a heartbeat if I thought this was all in the past.  I love you, but this-"  I could see how broken he felt and the tears in his eyes.  This was the sad fact.  It was over.  

"Was the final straw." I finished for him.  I felt my heart shatter as he nodded.  If I would have just stayed in that dorm room I could have been forgiven.  I let the love of my life slip away for drugs.  My friend was dead because of drugs.  My life was in ruin because of drugs.

"I don't trust you anymore.  You're not the same person who went to Tartarus with me or the one who came back.  I've been on edge every day for the past month, and it's taking a toll.  I need some time away from this."  He said all of this while trying not to cry.

"Is this final? Is there anything I can do?" I asked desperately.  The tears starting to form in my eyes.  This couldn't be how things ended.

"Will I want there to be something you could do, but I don't think you're up for it.  I don't trust you to save yourself, get sober, and stay that way." Nico said with a heartbreaking look on his face.  In any other circumstance, I would do anything to wipe that look off his face, but there was nothing I could do.  I caused it.

"I'll fix it. I will." I said begging for a third chance.  I had already wasted the second chance I had after overdosing.

"I've heard this before, and look where we are Will?!  I can't stay for another round of this."

"If I can promise-"

"There is no promise you can make that I can believe."  I knew he was right.  I didn't have enough faith to swear on the Styx.  If I didn't believe why should he.  I stared at the ceiling trying to blink away the tears.  I wanted to save my break down for when he left.  After about 30 seconds I had it together enough.

I sniffled then asked, "Where does this leave us?"

"Friends, I hope."

"Okay," Was all I could say to that.  It was better than nothing.

"I'm going to go.  Please get better."

Nico left, clearly hurting, and I started to breakdown.

Notes:

I know! I know! They broke up! Should Nico have stayed? How will Will do after this?

Chapter 39: The Aftermath

Notes:

Thank you for the amazing thoughtful comments last chapter.

Nico POV:

I only made it to the ICU lobby before I broke down in sobs. I guess the nurses were used to seeing crying family members or friends, so they left me alone.  I don't know how long I was sitting there before Percy showed up.

"Nico? Is Will okay?"  He asked worried.

I tried to get it together so I could answer. I mostly stopped crying so I could say, "Yeah, he woke up."

"Then why-"

"I broke up with him." I couldn't hold in my tears any longer and started bawling.

"May I ask exactly why?"  I just looked at him like he was insane for having to ask such a dumb question.  "No, explain it to me.  You just left your boyfriend of 4 years who went through Tartarus for you.  I need to know why."  Percy said irritated.  "Will's an addict and you knew that when you decided to stay after his overdose.  He just had a setback.  You didn't leave him when he had a setback with cutting.  I don't see why it is different now.  Did you seriously leave him when things got difficult?"

"Can you save the judgment?  Will going back to drugs after committing to staying clean honestly hurt more than when I had to watch him relapse in cutting.  With his cutting I could see the Will I love was there and just hurting.  This feels different.  It's like he is a different person.  The Will I fell in love with would have never made the choices he has made now.  Dealing drugs to stay out of trouble with his dealer.  He decided to steal when he was desperate for money instead of coming to any of us.  He didn't even try to resist drinking or taking drugs on Friday, even though he said he was going to get better.  He put himself in a dangerous situation that scared the shit out of me.  I know he's sorry.  I can't stay and watch him kill himself." 

"Newsflash this is the Will you fell in love with only with his addiction being active.  He had a problem before you two even met.  He had it under control for years.  Do you need me to list all of the ways Will is the same?  Are you sure you want it to be over?" Percy said ending in a much more compassionate tone than the one he started with. 

“Of course, I don’t want it to be over!  He’s… he’s… the best person I’ve ever known.  If you don’t think I feel like shit for leaving him, you don’t know me at all.  I feel like I’m abandoning him when he needs me.  It’s killing me, but I don’t think staying with him will save him.” In a much smaller voice, I said, “It will only kill me. Could you watch Annabeth do this to herself knowing you're powerless to stop it?  Knowing that it would only take one slightly wrong dose or one mistake to kill them?  If you make me watch him kill himself I will go off the deep end.”

“Point taken.  I have no idea what it’s like to be in your shoes.  Okay man, if you’re sure let’s get you home.” He said with a sad smile.  Then he helped me up and walked me back to my dorm room.

After Percy left, everything hit like a ton of bricks again. Will chose drugs over everything else and almost died because of it. Should I have stayed with him all night so he didn't go off the deep end?   Was this really all my fault?  I left him. What have I done? All of the future plans we made were gone. Did I really just leave him because I couldn't handle it?  I didn't have any idea what my life looked like without him right next to me. The emotional pain I felt could only be compared to losing Bianca. I felt like I lost a part of myself, and I was dying inside. Should I take it back and stick it out?

I needed everything to fucking stop. The voices of grief, anger, and pain in my head were deafening. I would do anything to make it stop. I screamed into my pillow trying to muffle my pain, but it didn't work. Without really thinking about it I started looking at my daggers in a new way.  I wondered if maybe Will had been right all along. That it was a way to cope when nothing else worked.  He wouldn't have kept doing it if it didn't help.  When I grabbed one, I returned to my senses and dropped it like it burned me.

I left my dorm room shortly thereafter and walked down the hall to Jason's room.  He opened the door after a few moments.

"I heard what happened from Percy.  I'm sorry." He said as he gave me a hug which I returned.  I must have looked like a mess.  "What can I do to help?" He said after I pulled back from the hug.

"Um..." I couldn't look him in the eye as I said, "Can you take my daggers and sword for the night, and never tell anyone I asked?"

"Of course," Jason said looking more concerned glancing at my arm.  "Did you...?"

"No, I didn't hurt myself,"  I said unable to believe I was on this side of the conversation for once.

"Good. You're just worried you will?"

"Got too close," I said embarrassed.  Jason followed me back to my dorm and went through it.  He took my daggers, knives, sword, and anything remotely sharp back to his room.  Then came back.  He took a deep breath and seemed to steel himself for a question he didn't want to ask.  "I'm a shit friend if I don't ask.  Are you suicidal?"

"No, I'm not.  I'm just having a hard time coping at the moment."  I responded.  Glad I could ease some of his worries.

"Could you swear it?" Jason said with a concerned look.

"I swear on the Styx that I'm not suicidal."

Jason breathed a small sigh of relief. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure if I just made the worst mistake of my life or not."  I said trying not to break down again.

"Why don't you sleep on it? Things might be clearer in the morning."

"Alright,"

Will's POV:

I eventually cried myself to sleep and I found myself in a park with dad.  I registered his concerned look. Then ignored it for a hug.  He may have been a god and very disappointed in my choices, but he was also my dad.  I needed him.  I instantly broke down in tears.

"I messed... up so... bad." I managed to say through sobs.  Apollo changed his demeanor from concerned to compassionate.  Once I started crying he could tell I didn't need to be told how badly I did.

"You're going to be alright.  You're going to get help.  You will get better." He said compassionately.

"Nico left, and Eric died." I managed to eventually say after my sobs had subsided.  I still stayed in Apollo's arms.

"I know.  I'm so sorry.  Maybe not everything is lost with Nico?" Apollo said with a grain of hope.

"He doesn't trust me.  He doesn't think I will get better." I said still upset.

"Well, work hard.  Show him he's wrong."

"What if he's right?"  I said while crying.  I didn't want this to kill me.

"That's entirely up to you darling.  As hard as it is you have to be the one to save yourself.  I'll support you as much as I can, but you have to do this."

"Thanks dad." I said not really feeling any better.  Then the dream dissolved.

Notes:

So Nico's a mess. Will is a mess. Is Nico going to go back? Will will save himself or does he need Nico there?

Chapter 40: Finding Rock Bottom

Summary:

Seriously things get dark for a while. TW for depression/ self-harm/suicidal thoughts. If you need to skip this chapter please do. There is a summary at the end.

Notes:

Thank you for all of the lovely comments! I look forward to your feedback!

The next day Percy and Jason came to visit.   Which was surprising since I hadn't seen them since my overdose.

"Hey," Percy said as he entered my room.

"What are you guys doing here?"  Since they hadn't visited I felt they were really Nico's friends and not mine.

"I'm sorry we didn't visit while you were in the hospital with your overdose or in rehab," Jason said nervously.

"I got busy with a quest, and then was drowning in makeup work.”  Percy paused, “Honestly, I just didn't know what to say." Percy said not making eye contact during the last sentence.

"I felt guilty.  You were showing every sign something wasn't right, and I left anyway."  Jason said sheepishly.

"My choices, no matter how misguided, were my own.  Nothing to feel guilty about." I assured them.

"We heard what happened."  Percy said.

"Which part?  That I got drunk and high; that I'm going back to rehab; that one of my friends died; or that Nico broke things off." I snapped.  Noticing the look of shock on their faces I added, "I know I shouldn't have snapped.  It's just a lot." I said calmer.

"We heard about it all.  I'm so sorry about all of it." Jason said. "Do you know when you're leaving here?"

"Since I'm healing fast and going to rehab is just another section of the hospital I'm moving back there in a few hours."

"Anything we can do for you?" Percy asked.

"While I appreciate you coming can you guys go?  I don't feel up to company at the moment." I said wishing just to be left alone.  Everything was hard enough without having to pretend I was even somewhat okay.

"Yeah sure,"  Jason said as they moved to leave, "Nico wanted me to pass along the message that he won't be able to visit for a bit.  He wanted to but Chiron needed him to get to Ohio immediately to rescue some new demigods."

I wasn't sure how I felt about Nico wanting to visit.

I was proud of myself for holding it together for that entire conversation.  I felt horrid both physically and mentally.  I was grieving and nothing was going to make it better.  Something awful had happened, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

Lou Ellen and Hazel came to visit as well as Kyle.  I was too emotionally exhausted to talk to any of them for long.  I mentally checked out for the call with Kayla and Austin because I was so mentally done.

_____

"Hey Travis,"

"I'm sorry to see you back again, but I'm glad you decided to get help." He said as we walked back to the conference room I recognized from the first time I checked in.  "Since you are checking back in we need to go through the intake questions again.  Take a seat."

"Ugh," While it was my fault and choice I was here I wasn't happy about it.

"Did you bring any drugs or alcohol with you?"

"No"  

"Did you bring anything that could harm yourself or others?"

"No"  

"Do you have any intent of harming yourself or others?"

"No" 

"Drugs you are addicted to?" 

"Oxycodone"

"Recent average time between uses?"

"Once in the past 30 days but that is because I was in rehab"

"Are you experiencing any withdrawal symptoms?"

"Cravings count?"

"Alone? No. How long since you last used"

"3 days" 

"Anything else I should know?"

"On Thursday after our therapy session, I ended up cutting and needed to be seen at the hospital for stitches.  They need to come out in a few days."

"Alright.  Sad to hear that.  I'll show you back to your room."

I didn't think about the fact that I would be seeing Ron again.  As we entered room 7 I heard, "I told you I better not see you back here!" Ron said without judgement as he gave me a hug.  I started tearing up because I had managed to destroy my life even further and a kind face was nice to see.  "So tell me what happened,"  Ron said as Travis left.

I managed to tell him how everything went downhill.  He was very sympathetic and made me feel like maybe everything might turn out okay.

---One Weeks Later---

Rov's POV:

I had to find Travis.  I was out of here in two weeks. While I felt good about my chances in the real world, Will wasn't doing good, and I needed to tell someone.  I found Travis in his office.

"Travis, can we talk?"

He looked confused, "Sure, but isn’t Cindy your therapist?"

"Yes, this isn't about me though.  I'm very worried about Will."

"Has something happened?" Travis said looking suddenly very concerned.

"Ever since he got here he has been trying to silently cry himself to sleep at night and on occasion, I hear him say 'What's the fucking point?' Every day he is more and more withdrawn.  Now if he isn't in a mandated activity he is curled up in a ball staring at the wall.  He isn't talking in our room at all. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion he is back to hurting himself."

"Thank you I'll look into it."  Travis said as he turned to look as something on his computer.  I hope everything would be okay with Will, but I had the suspicion that nothing was okay.

Will's POV:

I was being called into an extra session with Travis for some unknown reason.  I just wanted to stay in my room.  I didn't lie to Nico when I said I'd get better, so I would go.  I wanted to get moving on with my life in a better direction, even if that seemed impossible. 

As I entered Travis's office he said, "Please have a seat.  I need you to fill out this form"

Looking at the form I recognized it as the same form I filled out in the hospital a week ago.  "This is a depression screening test."

"Yes, it is.  The same one you filed out at the hospital.  Please fill it out."  Travis said in a no nonsense manor looking more serious than I usually saw him.  I wasn't comfortable with my real feeling and tried to not make things look as bad as they were.  I handed it back to Travis.  He frowned as he was reading my answers.  When he looked up he handed it back to me looking compassionate,  "Will, you didn't answer any of these questions honestly. Your not going to get in trouble no matter what the answers are, so please try again."

I knew the results were going to be bad, but I had to fill out the form anyway.  I knew how these things were scored.  I had a score of 21/27.  The higher the score the worse things were.  If I had gotten a score like this for one of the campers at CHB I would have been bolting for Chiron or Mr. D.  I handed the form back to Travis a little nervous.  As he read through the answers he said, "These results are worse than your ones at the hospital.  Can you expand on that you feel hopeless?"

Deciding that since this was Travis there was no point in sugar coating things.  "I know I should get better, but I can't always make sense of why I'm trying so hard.  I'm going to get out and fail just like I did last time.  I've dug a hole I can't get out of.  Nico broke up with me because he has given up hope that things will get better.  I want to get better, but that seems like climbing a mountain.  I've been self-harming to try to feel something different, but nothing works."

"Can you show me the cuts?"  Travis asked concerned.

I showed him my right hip.  "Will, these look infected and need stitches.  Why didn't you get them treated?"  Travis exclaimed.

"I deserved it.  I don't get why I survived that car crash."  I said starting to tear up.

Travis went back to his desk. "Willingly neglecting your health like this is concerning." Travis paused before continuing, "Will, have you been thinking about suicide?"

I started tearing up because I knew the right answer to this.  Everyone did.  The right answer was no, but the true answer was yes.  I knew I was wrong.  I knew it was awful, so I just didn't answer.  My non-answer must have been answered enough.

"Will, you're not in trouble.  Please answer the question."

"Yes," I said looking at the floor.

"Will, this isn't your fault.  You're sick and need help.  You need more help than we can provide here.  We don't have the resources to keep you safe on this floor.  I'm recommending we transfer you to the Mental Health ward.  I think the priority needs to be to treat your depression.  It will be impossible to help your addiction without doing that first.  After you get better you can transfer back here and we can resume where we left off.  What do you think?"

"I guess that makes sense.  I just don't see why I'm worth it."  I said dejected.

"You will eventually.  Please come with me while I go get someone to be with you while you pack, and I fill out paperwork for the transfer."

"I can pack by myself."

Travis looked understanding. "You just admitted to being suicidal.  It would be medical neglect to let you be alone for the time being."

"Uh, okay.  Can you call my mom for me and tell her I'm being transferred to the psych ward?  I just can't."  After having to call her about the wreck and going back to rehab I just couldn't face another hard call.

"Of course."

When I got back to my room I found a letter written in swirly cursive.

Son,

Please work on getting better.  I know depression isn't your fault, and doing anything while feeling depressed feels impossible.  Let the doctors help.  Just because things seem dark now they won't always be.  Things can and will get better.  You're scaring the Tartarus out of me kid.  I'm worried about you.

Love,

Dad

Notes:

Franchfroes I totally wrote this before your comment on Chapter 35!

Percy and Jason visit. Will checks himself into rehab but his mental state is so poor he is sent to the psych ward.

Chapter 41: Day 7 Checking in Again

Notes:

Thanks for the amazing comments! I just want to post early because I love your comments and can't wait!

Tw talk of suicidal thoughts

Checking back into the psych ward hadn't changed much since last time. Forms to fill out, general questions to answer, and the worst part- going through a keypad locked door with no escape.  Max was the one to greet me and show me to my room. "First individual therapy session is in 20 minutes with Tiffany," he said as he left.

"Hi I'm Luka," A tall blond man of about 25 said as he extended his hand as I came into our room.

"I'm Will,"

"So what are you in for?"

"Long story, you first."

"Crippling panic disorder and PTSD."

"I'm sorry PTSD is a nightmare. I had it a few years back. It's gotten a lot better. I'm sure you will get better too."

"So what's the long story?"

"I got hooked on drugs again. Went to rehab. Check out of rehab. Got high and got into a car wreck where the driver of my car was killed. My boyfriend broke up with me. I went back to rehab. Got back into my cutting problem and wanted to die. My therapist there said they couldn't keep me safe there so I was transferred here. I'm leaving out a lot of situations and details but that's the summary."

"Gods that is rough. I'm sorry."

"What set off your PTSD?"

"I'm not to where I can talk about it without a flashback."

"Fair enough," I said as I collapsed on the bed spending a minute to reflect on the life choices that got me here. After 20 minutes I went to Tiffany's office.

----

"Will I'm happy to see you, but wish it was under better circumstances."

"Me too. Nice to see you as well."

"So I've read your therapy notes from the rehab center both times.  I think I'm pretty caught up.  Is there anything you feel you should make sure I know?"

"Eric was my friend and he died in a car wreck with me.  Also, Nico broke up with me."

"Okay good to know.  I wanted you to know while it is not my specialty I do have experience in addiction counseling, so if you think that has a bearing on your depression I'm equipped to handle that.  Why don't we start with why you were transferred here?"

"I went back to cutting, and I'm at times suicidal.  Travis said they couldn't keep me safe on that floor"

"Can you expand on at times suicidal?  Either what you mean by that or why."  Tiffany said taking me seriously.

I knew we would be getting to this I just wasn't prepared for it to be the first thing.  "How much did my file explain about the car accident?"

"Just that there was one, drugs were involved and someone died."

"So not the whole story.  It would make more sense if I started at the beginning."

"Always a good place to start."

I told her everything that had happened between me waking up depressed up and calling Nico until the night of the car crash.  Then I started crying because it really sunk in that this would forever be my last memory of Eric.  He was the person I always hung out with when I was high because even if he wasn't high.  He didn't judge.  He was a laid-back person who wanted everyone around him to be happy.  His sister-oh gods his sister, I didn't even think about how devastated she must be.  They were twins and incredibly close.  She was extraordinarily kind even though she did approve of her brother's choices. 

The more I thought about Eric the harder I cried, and the harder it was to breathe. He was dead.  For some reason, I wasn't.  There wasn't enough air.  Why was everything turning black?

"Will, I need you to calm down.  You're having a panic attack.  Breathe in for four, out for six. One, two, three..." This went on for ten minutes before I had fully calmed down.  I was exhausted at this point.  The post-panic attack exhaustion was something else.

"So what were you thinking about when you started to go into that panic attack?"  Tiffany asked kindly.

"I'm never going to see Eric again; these are my last memories of him."

"Grief is a tough thing to wrap your head around.  Something has happened and we are powerless to change the outcome.  Do you want to stop here today and end the session early or do you want to keep going?"

"I... I can keep going."  I was unsure, but I would try.

"So can we go into more detail about what happened that night?"

"I decided to go to a sports bar to see if there was anything on to distract myself.  I ended up playing pool for a while before Eric showed up."

"What did you feel when he showed up?"

"I was happy to see him but I didn't want to interact with him.  I didn't really want to be involved with anyone associated with me getting high."

"That sounds reasonable.  Did you voice your concerns or make your desires known?"

"No I tried to respond in a less than friendly way so he would get the hint but he didn't."

"Okay, what happened next?"

"He asked if we could get a drink and play pool.  I agreed.  Later he offered me oxy and I took it."

"Why? I'm not judging but I want to understand what goes through your head when you are about to relapse."

"I wasn't in my normal state of mind because I was drunk.  Honestly, it sounded nice and everything had been so hard recently that I felt I deserved it."

"So you felt you had worked hard at staying sober and deserved to get high?”

“As strange as it sounds, yes”

“That doesn’t sound strange at all.  The wrong reward, but not strange or uncommon for an addict.  Okay, what happened after you took the drugs?"

"Eric offered me a ride back to the dorms and I took it.  I can't remember the car ride or the crash.  But Eric died and I didn't.  That night he made fewer reckless choices than I did.  He wasn't drunk, and I didn't even think he was high at the time.  I'm sure a tox screen would prove me wrong now that I can clearly think about that night.  I just wish I didn't make it out of that crash," I said with my head in my hands.

"Why?"

"My life is a wreck, and I can't deal with the guilt of surviving when Eric didn't.  Since the crash, I feel totally unlovable.  If I hadn't accepted that car ride Eric might not have died."

"Surviving when other people didn't is always hard, but it isn't something to feel guilty over. Why do you think you're unlovable?

"My boyfriend broke up with me.  That points to me being unlovable."

"People break up with people for a variety of reasons not always because they don't love the person.  Can you think of a reason he could have broken up with you that isn't because he doesn't love you?"

"He was tired of my bad choices."

"That is a perfectly reasonable reason."

"I want to stop for today."  I couldn't deal with anymore feelings.

"Alright.  The routine has changed a little since you were here last.  The next thing up is group therapy.  Dr. Walker might be a little late.  She is in the ER on a consult.

Turns out Dr. Walker was very late.  It didn't take me very long to figure out who the consult was about since we had someone new come onto the floor 20 minutes after she got here, Nico di Angelo, my ex-boyfriend.

Notes:

So what is Nico in for? How will this effect Will?

Chapter 42: Day 7 Nico?

Notes:

Well, this was initially posted in error. Here is the final version. I loved reading all of your comments and guess as to what Nico was in for. This time you get a little bit of an answer.

Waiting for group to start was a little awkward because I didn't know anyone except for Luka who I was sitting by. There were 3 young teenagers and 2 people who looked like they were between 20 and 35. After Dr. Walker finally got there she said, "We are going to have a rather laid-back session today. We are going to journal for about 20 minutes then we will go around and talk about what we journaled. I want you to try to write about how we feel about the reasons we are here and maybe what life can look like after here."

I can't believe I'm back here again for the same problem but worse, somehow. Not only do I have a drug problem, but I hate myself. It's weird to want to try so hard to quit the thing that is going to kill me and at the same time wish I never left that car wreck. Maybe some part of me wants to live and get better. I wish I had something to look forward to once I get out.

I had to drop out for another semester to stay in rehab longer. I'm so far behind my class I'll never catch up. I'll need to make a whole new group of premed friends. Then again my study partner also became my drug dealer so maybe it isn't such a big loss? If it all works then it will be worth it I hope. Maybe I can rebuild my life. Who am I going to rebuild this life with? Nico is gone for all intents and purposes. I'm not even sure what friends I have left. Lou Ellen seemed on the rocks about me when we talked. Hazel, I think pitied me. Gosh, mom was so disappointed in me. Kayla, Austin, and Kyle's reactions I can't even remember because I was so emotionally out of it. Maybe I have some people who want me to be a part of their lives even though I ruined mine? I hope so.

What if my relationship with Nico never recovers? Can I really be his friend and watch him move on and be happy with someone better? I know I deserve this fate but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

"Okay everyone I want everyone to go around and at a minimum introduce themselves since we have a new person. Say why you're here if you feel comfortable. Then we can move on to talking about what we just wrote" Dr. Walker said breaking the silence.

The first to speak was a girl with a short black choppy haircut and blue eyes who looked to be about 20, "Hi, I'm Jessica I have panic disorder."

Next was a short blond teenager who looked like a younger Jason. "Hi, I'm Alexie. I have self-harm issues."

"I'm Kate I have an eating disorder."

"I'm Sara I'm suicidal."

"I'm Luka I also have PTSD."

Then it was my turn. I decided being honest was the best policy. "I'm Will, I'm somewhat suicidal and have self-harm issues."

"Now that everyone has introduced themselves. Let's talk about what we wrote. Who wants to start?"

Luka started, "I'm angry that I'm here. The assault wasn't my fault but I'm the one in the psych ward because of it. It isn't fair. After all this is all over I want a life where I'm not constantly jumpy and paranoid every time I leave the house. Every time I go into a room I have to note all points of entry and an escape route. I'm just sad that things are this way and I want to see if in the future I can enter a crowded area without a panic attack." Luka said.

"I don't know what to do with the fact I'm here. I'm not here by choice but I'm not mad I was forced here. I would like a future where I want to live." Commented Sara.

"Me too," I said without thinking. I guess it was my turn now. "I am in disbelief I'm here. I came here when I was sixteen and now I'm back for almost the same issue. It's like I didn't learn anything."

Jessica chimed in, "Just because your back didn't mean you didn't learn anything. You were out of here for some time. That points to some amount of recovery.  Just because you had a setback doesn't mean the work was wasted. This is also my second stay here. I'm happy to be here because my life got so far out of control and here feels safe. I'm looking forward to going about my life with fewer panic attacks."

"I want that too. If I could stop having a panic attack anytime I was offered an unsafe food that would be nice.  I've gotten to where I'm okay that I'm here." Kate interjected.

"Alexie, how do you feel about being here?"

"I don't like that I'm here.  My self-harm was under control.  I don't need help.  I just want to go back to the legion for my final year so I can go to college."

That felt familiar. As I was thinking this I noticed the new person being escorted to their room by Max. It took a moment to realize that person was Nico. Then my thoughts went wild. How did Nico end up here? Is it my fault?  It seems like everything has been my fault recently. Hopefully, this isn't. I can ask him about it after group.

After seeing Nico I couldn't pay attention to anything Dr. Walker was saying. It seemed like group would never end. When it finally did I went over to room 9 where Nico was.

"Will?" Nico sat up in bed in shock. "What are you doing here?"

"Shortest version - I got back into cutting and became suicidal." Nico looked concerned. "Travis transferred me here until I wasn't a danger to myself. He said they couldn't keep me safe in rehab. After I'm better I'll transfer back to rehab. Same question why are you here?"

It was then that I really took in how he looked. His hair was disheveled, his clothes wrinkled, and he looked like he had been crying for a long time. Nico got up and hugged me and started crying before saying quietly, "I nearly killed Hazel."

Notes:

Still what did Nico do exactly?

Chapter 43: Day 7: Luka's Story

Notes:

Thanks for the amazing comments.

TW: Story of sexual assault.

Nico got up and hugged me and started crying before saying quietly, "I nearly killed Hazel."

After about five minutes he looked startled and said, "I'm sorry. This really isn't your problem," He tried to pull back and stop crying.

"You said we could still be friends. I want to help." I said.

"No, I broke things off." Now it was my turn to try not to cry. "I shouldn't be burdening you with this. I'm sorry Will." Nico said like it was painful to say.

I turned and left and went back to my room, sat on my bed, and started to silently cry.  A few minutes later Luka came in.

"Are you okay?" Luka said concerned. "Should I go get Tiffany?"

"No, I'll be fine. This just sucks. The new guy, up until about a week ago, was my boyfriend of 4 years. I tried to ask him why he was here.  He gave me a one-sentence answer before crying in my arms. Then I guess he remembered we weren't a thing and basically told me 'this was his problem and to go away.'"

"That has to hurt like a punch to the gut," Luka said with sympathy.  "What ended things?"

"My drug use.  I lied to him about it for weeks.  I ended up doing some illegal things to get out of debt to my dealer.  The final straw was when I got high and drunk and ended up in a car crash where the driver of my car was high."

"Well, shit.  I can see why things ended." 

"Yeah, I can't blame him.  It was all my fault."

"Good luck, anything I can do to help."

"Distract me,"

"I could tell you my tragic story,"  He said with a chuckle.

"I don't want to trigger your PTSD," I said kindly

"Part of my therapy homework is to tell someone else what happened, as best as I can.  You would be helping me out."  He said with a smile.

"Okay. So what is your tragic tale."  I said with all the dramatics of a child of Apollo.

"It's pretty messed up."  He looked suddenly worried this was a bad idea.

"All of our stories are,"  I said in a sad voice.  I knew mine was.

"I had a fight with my wife.  I can't remember what it was about.  Shelly said we had patched things up, and I was going to the grocery store to get something.  My memory of the events before the attack are fuzzy.  It was probably the severe concussion I got later.  I was walking along the road when I was grabbed from behind.  I tried to fight them but then I was hit in the head pretty hard.  Then... then..."  It looked like Luka was starting to panic.

"Luka, look at me.  Whatever happened it's over.  It isn't happening now.  Tell me five things you can see."

"The door, sheets, you, desk, lights."  He said quickly.

"Four things you can feel."

"My hands on the sheets, my shirt, the air conditioning, um..."  He said shakily.

"Its okay. Three things you can hear"

"You, the air conditioning, people talking in the hall."  Luka was starting to calm down.

"Two things you can smell."

"Lemon disinfectant, and my cologne."

"That's great.  How do you feel?"

"A little calmer."

"Good.  You don't have to tell me the rest."  I said understanding.  Tartarus as a topic put me into a catatonic state the first time I was in for therapy.  I had no room to judge anyone.

"I want to try though."  Luka took a deep breath and started again, "After they hit me in the head I could barely fight back.  They were able to sexually assault me."  It seemed after saying that breathing seemed to be easier for Luka.  "They stabbed me in the right shoulder with a dagger and ran off.  Luckily a by-standard came by a while later and was able to get help.  I passed out I think sometime before that happened.  I was in a coma for 4 days before I was able to wake up."

"I'm so sorry.  That is awful.  Did they ever find the person who did that to you?"

"Yes, fortunately, trials don't have much of a delay period here.  I got through the trail.  Then the nightmares and flashbacks started.  I wasn't able to function after that.  My wife encouraged me to see a doctor, and they referred me here.  You mentioned that this is your second stay here.  What happened the first time?"

I noticed for once I wasn't wincing at the question like I normally did if the topic ever came up.  Maybe I was making some progress with accepting my problems and just another part of me and not something I had to hide.  "That isn't a happy story either."

He smiled and said to me, with the same level of drama I had, "Tell me your tragic tale."

"I was admitted when I was 16.  My brother on the Godly side, Lee, died in the battle of the Labyrinth, and I became head of the infirmary."

"I'm unfamiliar."

"It was a battle at Camp Half-Blood.  I'm Greek.  Anyway, I tried to save him.  I really did.  I'm a son of Apollo and my primary talent is healing.  I didn't last a week afterward before I started getting high off of oxy I stole from the infirmary.  I was seeing Lee dying in everyone of my patients and every one of my nightmares.  After two weeks Kayla, my sister started to catch on that something was up so I stopped before I could get caught.  A few days later I accidentally got cut and noticed it was the first time since I stopped doing oxy that I felt okay.  I wasn't seeing my dead brother around every corner and I didn't want drugs.  I felt okay again.  I was 12."

"You were 12 and head of the infirmary.  That's far too young!  Sorry for interrupting, continue."

"I was the oldest child of Apollo with healing abilities so that was my lot.  I was addicted to cutting for 4 years and got away with it till I lost a patient and my boyfriend at the time, Nico," Now that hurt to say. "found me in my office cutting.  Then my sister, brother, and mentor, all found out that night about my problem.  I was removed as head of the infirmary.  I couldn't handle not cutting.  I did something stupid and stole oxy.  I was found out before I could get high.  I was put in the position of coming here or going to daily therapy with a bunch of mortals in the city daily.  I chose the former.  So that's how I ended up here the first time."

"Did it help?"

"Yeah, it did once I stopped resisting help.  I had to leave early due to some issues but I kept up the therapy and managed to stay clean of cutting for 3 years.  I only went back to it about 6 weeks ago."

"Congratulations on the three years.  I have a sister who has a self-harm problem. It took her a long time to get help, and there were more close calls than I'd like."

"Thanks"

"I can relate I had some closer call than I would like to admit when I was 16."

"How are you doing with the cutting now?  I know you said you started again and wanted to die.  Is that getting better?"

"Some days are harder than others.  I'm still not convinced I deserve to be here."

"It has nothing to do with deserving.  No one deserves to live.  Your alive so that leaves you with the opportunity to do something with your life.  I'm not going to pretend I know all the reasons why you're struggling with this, but you're here don't waste it."

"Thanks that actually does help some.  I have pretty bad survivor guilt for living after the car crash when Eric, the driver, didn't."

"You were friends I assume?"

"Yes,"

"I don't imagine he wants you to join him in the Underworld just yet.  He didn't get the chance to live but you did.  I imagine he wouldn't want you to waste it feeling guilty over something you didn't even cause."

"If I wasn't at the bar he might not have gotten high."

"Now you are just playing what if.  Did you give him the drugs?"

"Well, no."

"Then I can't see how this was your fault.  He was the one who decided to drive and to get high.  If he was the one with the drugs I assume getting high was part of his evening plans.  Don't feel guilty over not being able to predict how your choices would affect the future."

"Thanks.  I don't feel quite so awful now."

A smile broke out on his face.  "Happy to help,"

Notes:

I know I didn't answer any questions about Nico! What do you think of Nico pushing Will away? Also poor Luka.

Chapter 44: Hurting Hazel

Notes:

What you all have been waiting for why Nico is in the psych ward. Happy Olympics!

Hazel POV:

I needed to get to the bottom of this. I had a legionnaire on trauma leave; Mitchell dropped out of college and was in therapy twice a day; the kid they sent to CHB has barely talks according to Chiron; and I hadn't heard from my brother since the quest they all went on. He was coming over in a bit so I was going to find out what happened.

Knock, knock, knock. Nico was waiting at the door. Once the door was open he came inside and made himself at home. "Where's Frank?"

"I'm here," Frank said as he peaked his head out of the study. "Just busy with paperwork."

"Good luck," Nico said as Frank disappeared.

In a relaxed tone, "So why are you hanging out with me instead of helping your boyfriend with the paperwork?"

"I need to ask you about the demigod retrieval quest you, Cindy, and Mitchell went on."

Nico visibly stiffened and cautiously asked, "Did Cindy say something about the quest?"

"No. She turned in her request for trauma leave and is out of commission till a psychologist clears her. She didn't justify why she needed trauma leave, but she had the necessary paperwork filled out by a physician."

"Then I'm not saying a word," Nico said seriously.

"Nico, I need to know what is going on. Everyone who returned from that mission is a wreck except you, unless you're hiding it well."

"I'm not okay either, and I don't want to talk about it."

I wasn't sure if I should push for more answers or not. Nico's hardened look told me if I pushed I wouldn't get anything else, so I should just drop it.

Suddenly Nico looked a little out of it and turned green. He instantly ran to the bathroom and vomited.

"Are you sick?" I asked concerned.

"No, it's just a stress reaction my therapist says. It should go away with some therapy and time."

"Is this from the quest?"

"Yes, and I'm done answering questions about it!" Nico said trying to get me to back off. Suddenly there was a loud noise outside the apartment, and Nico seemed to lose touch with reality for a second. I grabbed his forearm to get his attention and then he snapped. Suddenly I found myself thrown back against the hall wall outside the bathroom and my brother was fighting me at full force. I was lucky he left his sword next to the couch in direct sunlight, so he couldn't create a shadow portal to get it. I knew my combat skills were good, but Nico's were legendary. If I was going to live long enough to figure out what was going on I needed help.

"FRANK!"

Suddenly Frank came running in and took in the situation. He joined the fight against Nico who I could tell wasn't actually looking at me but was seeing something else. Due to the fact I didn't want to hurt him It didn't take long for Nico to have me pinned to the ground unable to breathe. Much to my relief Frank had grabbed the tranquilizer out of the med bag we kept in the closet. He managed to get Nico in the leg as he was chocking me. 5 seconds later he was passed out.

"What... the hades... happened?" Frank asked out of breath.

"I think he had some kind of flashback. There was a loud noise before he flipped out." I said hoarsely.

"What should we do with him now?"

"Let's take him to the ER. I can't be positive that was a flashback. If it was I'm not sure when he wakes up if he will be back with us. Let's cuff him for safe measure. My brother is extremely dangerous if he is hallucinating and I don't want to risk fighting him again.

_____

Nico's POV:

My head felt like I was hit by a truck. As I tried to bring my hand to my head I noticed that I was restrained to the bed. I managed to look up and saw Hazel crying.

"Hazel? What's going on?"

She quickly dried her tears and stood up beside me. "What can you remember?"

My head was still cloudy, so it was taking a lot of effort to remember. "Uh...I remember being at your place and vomiting from stress because we were talking about the quest. Then something happened and then where you were a cynocephalus was. I tried to fight them, but I guess I was knocked out."

"Nico everything after the vomiting wasn't real. You attacked me and strangled me on the floor. Luckily for me, Frank got the tranquilizer from the med bag and knocked you out. We didn't know if you were going to be lucid when you woke up. That's why you're in restraints."

I could see the bruising on her neck.  I was horrified. "Oh, gods. Hazel, I'm so sorry. I knew the flashbacks were getting bad but I didn't think I would end up hurting someone."

"This wasn't the first time?" She asked in horror.

I told her how I had been seeing Cynocephali, and how I broke a few things in my dorm room by mistake.  Hazel decided at that point it was time to get the doctor and tell them I was up. I had a few minutes to reflect on the fact I had hurt one of the sweetest people I knew. Then the doctor came in.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Walker I'm a psychologist. We have already taken you for an MRI and did blood work. Both were clear.  We can't find any physical reason for your sudden unprompted aggression. Can you tell me what happened? I proceeded to tell him about the cynocephalus."

"Were you in any traumatic events recently that involved them?" He asked.

"Yes,"

"Is this the first time something like this has happened?" Dr. Walker asked patiently.

"No"

"Are you seeing any of them now? Or hearing any voices besides mine"

"No,"

"I think we can remove the restraints then." She then proceeded to remove the restraints as she talked.  "It sounds like you had a PTSD flashback"

"How can we prevent this from happening again?  This isn't the first time I've caused damage, and I don't want to hurt anyone," I said ashamed that I had hurt Hazel.

"Well therapy and medication are a good place to start."

"That won't work immediately will it?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"So I could still kill someone by mistake if I have another flashback?"  I asked concerned.

Dr. Walker paused at my statement and considered it.  It took her a minute before saying, "Based on your recent outburst I would recommend staying in our in-patient Mental Heath Facility for a while until your flashbacks are more managed, and you aren't a potential danger to yourself and others."

There was a very loud pause.  Holy Hades, I was going to committed to a psych ward.  I couldn't believe this was happening.  I knew things were getting worse, but I didn't think they were getting psych ward levels of worse.  While I couldn't find it in myself to disagree with Dr. Walker I was still shocked.  I numbly said, "Okay."

"Okay - you will take my suggestion under advisement, or okay - I consent?" Dr. Walker asked making sure she knew exactly what I meant.

"I consent," I said still in shock.

"That normally takes a lot more convincing or court orders." She said surprised at my willingness.

"I hurt my sister.  That is convincing enough." I said breaking out of my shock.

"I understand." She said seriously, which I appreciated. "I'll go get the paper work to get you checked in." 

Notes:

So what happened in the quest?

Chapter 45: Day 8 Nico's first therapy session

Notes:

Thanks for all of the comments! My day just took a turn for the better so here is a chapter to brighten your day.

Nico POV:

I walked into Dr. Green's office. I knew what to expect from therapy in general, but I wasn't exactly sure how things would work here. I also didn't know exactly how therapy was going to fix my problem.  I had to get it fixed.

"Nico, isn't it?" Dr. Green opened with.

"Yes,"

"I'm Dr. Green. Let's start, if you feel comfortable, with telling me about why you were admitted."

"Um.  From what I was able to put together between my memories and Hazel's, my sister, account of the story she was trying to ask questions about my last quest.  I went to the bathroom to vomit from stress.  There was a loud noise, and I think she grabbed my arm.  Suddenly there was a cynocephalus in the bathroom and not her." I only managed to whisper the next sentence. "I nearly killed Hazel before Frank stopped me."

"That must have been scary."

"It was terrifying while it was happening, and then even more terrifying to find out what actually happened."

"Do you often vomit from stress?"

"No,"

"What was different about this time then?"

"My sister was trying to force me to talk about the quest and I couldn't, wouldn't."

"Is there a particular reason you wouldn't talk about it?"

"Cindy asked us to keep part of the story a secret.  I respect that wish.  All of it was too traumatic to talk about."

"Are there any exceptions to what Cindy asked of you?"

"Long-term significant other and doctor/therapist.  She didn't want to cause problems with relationships and keeping secrets.  She also recognized the value of a good therapist.  She just wanted the circled of people who knew what happened to be small."

"Good to know."

"I can't talk about that right now"

"That is fine we can work up to it.  Is this quest and its aftermath the main problem you're dealing with?"

"I broke up with my boyfriend of four years because he has a drug problem.  I don't know if he will stay sober after rehab.  He is here in the psych ward at the moment - Will Solace."

"Thanks, that is good to know.  Do the two of you need to be kept separate?"

"I don't think so.  I'll let you know if that changes."

"Okay, I want you to imagine someplace you feel calm and safe."  The room I imagined was my room in the underworld. "I want you to imagine a cabinet of small drawers each drawer has a lock on it.  Now I want you to divide the parts of this quest into these boxes, close the drawers, and lock them along with any other stressors you would like to discuss.  You are the only person with the keys to these drawers.  If this doesn't work for you we can try doing something more tangible."

"How would I divide the quest up?"

"Since I don't know the story let me give you some generic examples.  One box can be how you choose your quest mates.  Another box could be an encounter with a monster.  Depending on the encounter that might take multiple boxes.  Another box might be when someone was injured.  Got the idea?"

"Yeah, how will this help?"

"We are going to focus on trying to tackle one part of your quest or other traumas at a time.  That way it isn't overwhelming.  The locks are so that when you are done or overwhelmed you can mentally 'lock away' the memory and focus on your safe space to calm down."

"Okay,"

"What would you like to start with?"

"Can we start with something like who my quest mates were?"

"Sounds like an excellent starting point."

"I was the leader of the quest.  I choose Cindy from the legion and Mitchel who I knew from Camp Half-Blood."  This was starting okay.

"Why them?" Dr. Green seemed to have genuine interest.

"Cindy is a decent healer and a great shot with an arrow.  Mitchel isn't much of a fighter but he is smart, and I trust him to make sound choices.  He can hold his own with a sword if he has to.  He just doesn't like to."

"Did you know Cindy very well?"

"No, and being totally honest if I had my proper choice of healers I would have picked Will.  While I haven't wanted him on a quest before it was going to be an easy mission without much risk.  If there wasn't a high risk of losing quest members I would want him with me.

"If Will is your ex why would you want him?"

"If I he wasn't basically incapacitated by his drug use I trust him more than anyone in the world to keep me alive.  It was supposed to be an easy mission.  It was anything but."

"How do you feel about having to choose someone to take Will's place?"

"It makes me mad.  I should have been able to rely on him and I can't.  I'm so mad at him.  I want him to have my back like I have his, but he doesn't."

"Do you think that will change in the future?"

I had to sit and think about this one for a few minutes.  While it was my greatest hope that he would change realistically I didn't know.  He couldn't last 5 days in the real world without drugs.  "I don't know, but I hope"

"Okay, were you okay with your choice of quest mates in the end?"

"Yes,"

"Do you want to try to tackle another box or is there more to this?"

"We can try another box."

"Put away the choice of quest mates and let's look at something else"

"The quest was about rescuing some demigods from a school in Ohio and getting them to Camp Half-Blood.  There also was Penny who was the satyr that recognized them.  The kid's names were Ashley, Tom, and Gwen.  Penny, Ashley, and Tom all died."  I tried to say it as fast as possible to avoid the memory.  I couldn't stop the images of the kids dying replaying in my head.  I couldn't breathe.  They were dying, and it was my fault.  I should have been able to save them.  Why is there no air?

"Nico. Shut the drawer and think about your safe space.  It's calm here.  No one is in danger.  Can you tell me about your safe space?"

It took me a second to catch my breath before saying.  "I'm in my room in the underworld.  My room has a canopy king bed with satin sheets.  The bedding is blood red as are the sheer curtains on the bed.  The walls are a calming gray."  I could start feeling my pulse return to normal.  "The dresser is wooden with a black marble top."  I finally felt better.

"That was good.  You got overwhelmed and were able to calm yourself back down.  Whenever what we are talking about becomes too much I want you to mentally close the drawer and retreat into your room in the Underworld.  Do you feel like going back to that topic or would you like to talk about something else?"

"Something else, please.  Can we talk about my boyfriend, I mean ex, again?"

"Sure,"

"First let me give you a rundown of what happened."  I spent the next 20 minutes telling him everything that had happened.  "I don't understand his choices at a fundamental level.  I can't even imagine how willingly removing your ability to act and think properly would be something that would be tempting.  I got drugged against my will during a fight by a monster with their venom.  I've never felt more helpless.  I couldn't do anything except watch.  Why would you do something like that to yourself?"

"Addicts don't make the wisest choices but, imagine if when you were drugged it wasn't against your will.  You got to pick the time, place, circumstance, and drug.  It's an entirely different matter.  While I don't know Will I imagine he wouldn't do that in the middle of a fight."

"I can see that sort of.  Being out of commission scared me.  It made me too weak to fight back.  I don't like the feeling of losing control."

"Is that another reason you have a hard time empathizing with Will's desire to get high?"

"I guess it is."

"Have you spent much time thinking about why Will would get high?"

"No,"

"How do you feel about Will?"

"I'm so mad.  He threw away everything."  Dr. Green seemed to tell I wasn't finished and let the silence sit there, "I miss him.  I feel guilty that I left.  All I want to do is to forgive him and go back to him.  The hard part is I don't trust him, so I don't know what to do."

"Why do you feel guilty for leaving?"

"He supported me through literal hell.  He relapsed once after rehab, and I left him."

"That is your right.  Can you explain why you left?"

"I was watching him relapse, risk his life, and this on top of the stealing and dealing.  I just lost faith that he would get better.  He wasn't showing signs to me that he was trying, and I didn't want to watch him kill himself."

"That all sounds reasonable.  You don't have to go back to him but for your own piece of mind and understanding maybe you should think about why Will got high.  Trying to understand his thinking might make forgiving him easier.  Think on that for the future.  All right that is all the time we have for this session." 

Notes:

I always love to hear what you think of the chapter!

Chapter 46: Day 9 Concerns

Nico's POV:

"So where to start?" Dr. Green started as we both got comfortable.

"I'm not up to talking about the quest. I had too many nightmares last night about it." I could almost hear the screams.

"Alright, what then?"

"Can we talk about Will again? He said something and I don't know how to deal with it. He said he was suicidal. His mental health hasn't always been the best but he hasn't been this bad in the time I've known him. I'm worried."

"He is safe here, even from himself."

"Did I cause this?"

"By yourself unlikely. Will has a lot of problems to deal with. Have you tried talking to him about it?"

"No. I don't know what I am allowed to do. We aren't together, and I wish we were. I left because all of my trust in him vanished. I don't know how to act without leading him on. I don't want to be cruel."

"Can you see a future where you two get back together?"

"If I could I'd go back to him now," I said seriously

"What do you mean by that?"

"I left when he needed me which I regret. That doesn't change that I don't understand his drug problem.  Why he feels he needs it that is.  I can't really go back to him without understanding more of what is going on.  Even if he didn't mean to, he hurt me a lot when he relapsed.  All I could see was that he wasn't getting better and extrapolating that to its natural conclusion.  If I had to sit by and watch him kill himself... I just couldn't.  Now I don't think that was fair. He decided to go back to rehab without me saying he needed to.  He was working on bouncing back, and I just left.  I feel terrible, but I don't know how to save our relationship.  I left when he needed me, and he still has a problem.  I don't know how to have a relationship where I don't trust him."

"Have you talked to him about getting back together to see if that is something he would want?"

"No, because I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth at the moment if it involves drinking, drugs, or almost anything beyond surface level.  We would need to be able to talk about things like that. How could I do that if I don't know if he is telling the truth?"

"Hm..." Dr. Green started to dig through his drawers and pulled out a small ball. He handed it to me. "Tell me a lie."

Confused I said, "My last quest went fine." It immediately turned red.

"Shake the ball." I did as instructed, and it turned silver again.

"This is an object that Travis helped enchant. It can detect lies in the person that is holding the sphere. If Will and Tiffany agree to it would you want a joint therapy session with Will where you both have to hold one of these while talking? I do couples counseling and break this out as a last resort. As a note things can get messy, and you might hear some things you wish you didn't."

"I'd try most things if it could give me a chance at having Will back."

"I'll try to set it up.  I don't guarantee anything."

"You do couples counseling?" I found that point surprising 

"On rare occasions at the moment.  It was one of my primary focuses before coming here."

"How does this type of therapy have anything in common with couples therapy?"

"I typically helped couples where one party or both went through something difficult, and they were trying to find their way out."

"I can see that then.  Did you ever work with addicts?"

"Yes, plenty of times one party was addicted to something."

"Stop me if I'm crossing a line but did those couples survive?"

"You're wanting to know if you and Will might survive." Dr. Green said knowingly.

"Yes," I said miserably.  

"I've seen couples survive while others failed spectacularly.  It all depends on how much both parties want it."

----Next Day----

Will's POV:

I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t find the motivation. Memories of the crash had started coming back creating nightmares. Every time I thought of the crash I could feel myself slipping more and more into my depression.

I guess Luka had notified someone I wouldn’t get out of bed, because eventually Tiffany showed up.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“I had a nightmare about the crash. I just don’t want to get up and try to move on. I don’t want to feel like this.”

“I know. We talked about this. Even on the days you don’t want to you will feel better if you try and do something.  You don’t have to do everything you were planning on but you need to do something. Let’s start with sitting up and getting out of bed. Can you try and get ready?”

That seemed impossible but I guess I could try. “Yeah,”

“Do you feel up to going to group?”

“No, that’s too many people and takes too much.”

“Okay, we will just do another session while group is going on.  Take your time. There isn’t any rush.”

Getting ready took twice as long but I eventually made it to Tiffany’s office. “Feeling any better?”

“I broke down three times trying to get ready so meh?”

“Dr. Green is Nico’s therapist and he came to me with a request from Nico.”

"Really?" I said confused.  "Does he want me to stay away from him?" I asked wondering if I had done something.

"Quite the opposite actually.  He would like to see if you two could have a joint session to talk, with one stipulation."

"Which is?"

"Both of you would use what we call a truth ball.  Travis made them.  They glow red if the holder tells a lie."

"Glad to understand where his trust level in me is at," I said sarcastically.  "Did he indicate what he wanted to talk about?"

"Dr. Green mentioned that Nico was concerned about you being suicidal and wanted to know how you were doing.  He also said that Nico wanted to talk about your relationship and its possible future."

"Um, okay."  I wasn't sure what to do with this information.

Tiffany took on a more serious tone, "Being frank, these sessions can get messy. People tend to say fully how they feel instead of cutting it back to spare the other's feelings.  With your mental state being as it is I'm not sure doing this now is a good idea, but it is up to you."

After this morning I couldn't agree more.  As much as I wanted to talk to Nico and see what could be worked out if it went badly I'm not sure I could take it.  "Is this something we could put off till I'm doing a bit better?"

"Of course.  If Nico cares about you, like I assume, I don't imagine he wants to push you into more than you can handle."  Tiffany said understanding. 

"He is still on my medical paperwork as a person you can discuss things with.  If he wants to know how I'm doing you can tell him.  I don't want to worry him."

"I'll relay all of this to Dr. Green,"  Tiffany said indicating this part of the conversation was over.  "I want to talk about how you are doing.  I was reviewing Travis's referral notes, and the notes from your ER visit."

"What about them?"

"Even though Dr. Avanoa prescribed you the antidepressant that you were on prior it doesn't seem to have helped.  I know there was the accident and break up which added grief to your depression, but you should be able to get out of bed in the morning.  I think we should look at changing your medications.  Typically I would wait another week but I think adding an additional medication might help.  What do you think?"

"I'm having a hard time making decisions so I'll go along with what you think is best."

"Do you feel okay about taking medication?  It won't be helpful if you stop taking them the second you get out of here.  It will do more harm than good."

"I  don't want to be on medication at all.  I understand it and that's why I do it anyway.  I'll keep taking the medication as long as it works."

"Okay, we can try changing it then.  If you feel it isn't working or you want to stop it please tell me or whichever psychiatrist you see after you leave.  Suddenly stopping medication can have so dangerous side effects."

"I can do that."  There was no way I was going to willingly make my situation worse. 

"So let's talk about this morning.  What are your feelings surrounding the crash that made you feel like you couldn't get up this morning?"

"I got overwhelmed by the fact I had to move on and Eric couldn't"

"Let's try reframing 'you had to move on' into something more positive."

Um... I had to think for a while, "I get to move on?"

"Does that statement feel worse or better?"

"A little better I guess.  It doesn't erase the guilt I feel about Eric being dead."

"Why do you feel guilty?"

"He was driving me to the dorm."

"Is there a way to reframe this into something that doesn't make you feel guilty but is still true?"

I sat in silence for a long time.  There wasn't something that made me feel better. "I can't think of anything."

"What about 'He would have still been driving even if he wasn't driving to my dorm.'?"

"That may be true but it doesn't make me feel better.  Eric is still dead."

"Does it still feel like it was your fault?"

Thinking about it I realized that it did make me feel a little less guilty. "I guess not as much,"

"You do know it wasn't your fault right?  You weren't driving.  You didn't provide the drugs that got him high.  He made the choices that led to the wreck."

"I didn't help the situation," I said while looking down ashamed.

"That doesn't make it your fault.  Can you see that?"

"I guess.  If it isn't my fault why do I feel guilty?"

"Because we like to pretend we have control over the events that surround us, especially the bad ones.  By blaming yourself you are trying to say you had some control of the situation.  It is hard to admit sometimes things just happen that we can't control.  In this situation, the person at fault was Eric for driving while high."

"The car crash wasn't my fault?"

"The car crash wasn't your fault."  I finally felt like I could breath.

Notes:

Adjusting medications sucks. What do we think about Nico's feelings about being broken up?

Unrelated this week has been a lot.

Chapter 47: Day 11 Opening up about the quest

Notes:

I was considering not posting but then I thought about how I would like to hear from all of you. It's a good way to brighten up this week.

Nico POV:

Breathe just breathe. I woke up from my nightmare screaming. I don't know how my roommate Alexie wasn't woken up. He must have been a heavy sleeper. I couldn't get my heart rate to go back down. I felt jumpy and on edge. The nightmares weren't nightmares. They were memories of the quest that I couldn't deal with. I tried to run through 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, and 2 things you can smell. It didn't help much but my hands weren't shaking anymore.

"Are you alright?" I heard someone ask. It took me a moment to see that Will was peeking his head in the door. It must have been past sunup because he looked like he had already gotten ready for the day.

"It was... just ... a ... nightmare," I said still unable to calm down.

"You're having a panic attack. Do you want me to go get someone?" Will looked uncomfortable and unsure of what to do. He normally would help me out of a panic attack, but we weren't dating. We were in a psych ward with actual doctors.

"Yeah," I managed to say.  Then I lost touch with reality, at least this time I could tell.  The room shifted out of focus and I was buried in the memory of Ashley and Tom screaming.  I felt sick.  I couldn't watch this again.  I heard someone trying to get my attention, and they were calm.  Maybe if someone else was calm then this wasn't happening again.  The room shifted back into focus and Dr. Green was sitting at my bedside and Will was gone.

"Nico, can you hear me?" I thought I heard muffled.

"What was that?" I asked while hyperventilating.  Those kids were gone and it was my fault.  I couldn't calm down.

"Nico I want you to try to envision your room in the underworld and the cabinet with all of the drawers.  I want you to work on shutting each drawer.  What's the first memory that is troubling you?"

"Ashley and Tom dying.  I couldn't stop it."

"Think about grabbing that memory, crumpling it up, and putting it in a drawer.  Can you do that?"

"I think so."

"Now lock the drawer.  The memory is only a memory it can't hurt you.  As terrible as it was it is over."

I wasn't being tortured by a flashback anymore, but I was still panicking and crying. I needed something or someone to calm me down.  I just couldn't ground myself back to the present.

"Nico, are you back with me?"

"Yeah, I just can't calm down" 

We tried deep breathing exercises, going through the 5 things you can see, and using grounding statements, but nothing worked.  I don't know how long it was before Will came back.  It could have been 10 minutes it could have been an hour.  In my state of hyper vigilance, I noticed he looked nervous.

"Um... I IMed Hazel to get this for you."  He then handed over my stuffed Cerberus.

I managed to stutter out a thank you before he left.  Focusing on the soft fur and comfort of the stuffed animal started to calm me.

About 30 minutes later I had finally calmed down and was dead exhausted.  Dr. Green had given me an excuse to skip group and get some sleep.

-----

I finally felt better by the time my therapy session with Dr. Green came around.

"I wanted to pass along the information that Will isn't ready to do a joint session yet.  He did tell Tiffany that you were still on his paperwork to share medical information with, so if you have any questions about how he is doing you can ask Tiffany."  I was disappointed that Will didn't want to talk yet, but I broke up with him.  I didn't get to complain.

"Okay,"

"Do you want to talk about what caused you to panic earlier?"

"Not really, but I'll honestly never want to talk about it.  Better to get it over with."

"Okay, where do you want to start."

"So Mitchel, Cindy, and I left New Rome to go to Ohio to meet up with Penny.  The trip there was surprisingly uneventful.  I think the monsters were just waiting.  We met up with Penny before the school's football game.  None of the kids knew they were demigods so we thought there was a minimal chance of being attacked.  We sat up in the bleachers trying to get the lay of the land before we approached the students.  Penny pointed out Gwen and Ashley.  They were both cheerleaders.  Tom was in the band. 

We were going to try to talk to them after the game and leave discretely.  If we had known." I said starting to choke up.

"Deep breath. You didn't know though.  You are not responsible for knowing what the future is."  Dr. Green tried to remind me.

"It was after the game.  Talking to Tom went great.  He listened to us and could tell we weren't lying.  If I had to guess he was an Apollo kid.  Which made me feel all the more awful in the end."

"Why?"

"I feel like things failing with Will was partly my fault.  I partly blame myself for leaving him alone in our old dorm room.  If I hadn't he wouldn't have gotten high.  Failing to save one of his siblings was just putting salt in the wound.  Just one more person in that family I failed."  I could barely make out the words.  Will was in the psych ward for being suicidal and I couldn't help but think I was a part of that.

"Nico, you need to remember that Will's choices were his own.  If he really wanted to get high there was nothing short of physically restraining him you could do."  Hearing that made me feel a little better.

"We got to talk to Gwen and Ashley alone after the game.  They thought we were crazy and blew us off.  There was some party I had overheard they were going to a block over.  Mitchel managed to find the party, and we decided to keep an eye on them and keep Tom and Penny with us."

Suddenly I couldn't make out my surroundings that well.  I kept getting flashes of the party, beer, and blood... so much blood.  Why couldn't I breathe? Cynocephali and cyclopes were in the room.  I had no weapon; I had to get out.  Something or someone was trying to talk to me.

One of the cyclopes started to imitate Dr. Green, "Nico, tell me what's going on."  It seemed like an odd thing for a monster to say but they weren't attacking right now so I took advantage and I ran.  The hallways of the house were confusing it took me forever to find the front door.  I kept passing monsters.  Empousa were everywhere.  Getting to the front door I was terrified to realize it was locked and there was no way to get out.  I couldn't break the door if I tried.  Shadow travel didn't work.  It seemed like there were several monsters staring at him having conversations between themselves but no one was approaching me which was good.

Will's POV:

I was reading in the common room when I saw Nico bolt out of his therapist's office.  He went to the front door of the place.  When he couldn't get out he curled up in a ball with his back to the door.  What ever he was seeing clearly wasn't real.  I recognized that look from his Tartarus flashbacks.  If someone tried to touch him they were going to get a broken arm.

"Dr. Green," I tried to flag him down.

"Busy,"

"If you try to touch him he will break your arm.  I've seen his flashbacks before.  I could help if you need it."  No matter what our relationship was there was no way I would leave Nico in a flash back.

Nico POV:

One of the empousa approached me but gave me a 2' buffer.

"Nico, your safe.  Your in the Mental Health Center.  My name is Tiffany."

"I'm gay you can't charm me.  Unless you want to fight me and lose back up."  Tiffany did as instructed.

I heard the cyclops again. "Nico, name 5 things you can see."

"No" What ever game they were playing I wasn't going to play along.

Someone approached the cyclops who looked like Will.

"Will, get out!"  I was desperate.  If I was going to die here, Will wasn't.

"Tiffany, let me talk to him." I vaguely hear him say.

"Don't get any closer."

"Will, I said get out!"  I remembered my powers and started to move the shadows to restrain the monsters.

"Nico, I'm safe and so are you.  Let everyone go.  I'm not running because the most dangerous thing here is you."  Will said in a calm voice.  Suddenly I remember Will saying that to me when I was panicked.  He would only say it when I was out of it.  Something must be wrong here.

I let everyone go.

"Can you try telling me about where you are?"  Will said calmly

"House with monsters."

"That's not true.  You were brought here the other day because you hurt Hazel.  We are both in the psych ward.  No one is here to hurt you."

Suddenly the monsters were gone and I was looking at Tiffany, Dr. Green, 2 nurses, and Will.

"Oh gods," I started crying.  I nearly hurt these people.  I'm a monster.

"Nico, are you back with us?" Dr. Green asked.

"I think so,"

"Let's go back to the office."

I stood up to follow Dr. Green but stopped to give Will a hug.  "Thank you"  As Will returned the hug he said, "Anytime."

We got back to his office and I sat down feeling on edge and exhausted.

"Let's work on some grounding techniques go back to your safe space and we can work out what just happened from there. Okay?"

"Sure"

"Let's start with breathing in for four counts and out for six."  That seemed to go on for forever when Dr. Green said. "Good, tell me how you are feeling"

"A little like I just had too much coffee."

"How is that compared to before we did the breathing exercise?"

"Much better."

"Do you want to finish this session with more calming techniques or do you want to talk about what happened?"

"We can talk about what happened."

"You were talking about the party.  Then you seemed to lose touch with reality."  I started to panic again. Dr. Green seemed to tell things were turning south, "Okay let's stop here and focus back on your safe space.  Tell me about it, and put away the memory in the cabinet for now."

"The ceiling is high and arched.  There is art on the ceiling..."

Notes:

What do you think about Will helping Nico out? Is Nico going to be okay?

Chapter 48: Day 12: Visiting Hours

Notes:

I hope you all are having a better week than me. I'm recovering from COVID.

This wasn't good. I had been so far off the deep end with my mental health that I hadn't noticed the craving for oxy building until it was the only thing I could think about. I kept trying to formulate a plan to get something, but every time realized that I was stuck in a secure ward where everything was kept safe. Even knowing I couldn't get drugs, trying to calm down was a nightmare. I needed something to take the edge off.

The still slightly sane part of me knew this was time to get help. If I couldn't indulge in one vice, I would turn to the other. The prideful part of me wanted to prove I could do this without help. I decided going back to sleep was the best course of action. That was a poor choice on my part.

The dream started badly and got worse. I started at the judgment pavilion in the underworld. How exactly I had died I couldn't remember. The judges decided that my drug use, lying, and breaking the law outweighed anything I did as a medic. Turns out Hades held a grudge for breaking Nico's heart repeatedly. I was dragged to Tartarus. It was scarier than the first time because this time I knew I was there for good, and there was no Nico to comfort me. It seemed like the best course of action was to find Damasen's Hut. It would at least be somewhat free of terrors there. I don't know how it was happening since I was dead but I could still feel the air burning my lungs and the glass cutting through my shoes. I selfishly wished I wasn't alone in this hell. Suddenly, I heard monsters coming over the hill. There were maybe 20. I started hyperventilating. I don't know how I could do that as a ghost, but I could. I didn't know if the monsters would leave me or torture my ghost for fun.

"Oh looks like we have a plaything," One of the monsters commented.

I seemed to be rooted to the spot and couldn't run. A cyclops grabbed me by the arm and threw me. I felt my arm dislocate.

"I always like to see what my venom does to demigods," an empousa said before biting down on my injured shoulder. The pain was excruciating. I started to feel someone shake me.

"Will! WAKE UP!" I bolted upright in bed and was hyperventilating when I woke. The room couldn't stay in focus the lack of oxygen was starting to blackout my vision.

"Will breathe. Luka get someone." I still couldn't identify the voice of the person trying to help me. Was it a person trying to help me? Was I really out of Tartarus? Was I hallucinating from the venom something my brain could find tolerable? The line between nightmare and reality was blurring.

"He was having a nightmare about Tartarus. I tried to wake him up, but he didn't seem able to calm down. I don't know how to get him to break out of this." The mysterious voice said. Suddenly the black receded from my vision and I could see blood clouds.  I was still trapped.

"Will, I need you to focus. Slow down your breathing. You're safe. You made it out of Tartarus." Said a friendly voice. I tried to listen and do as instructed. I could finally see I wasn't in Tartarus. I was in the psych ward. I wasn't dead. Tiffany, Nico, and Luka were in the room. Seeing everyone was too much. 

The nightmare had pushed me over the edge.  I needed drugs in lieu of that, I would take cutting.  Everyone needed to leave.

"Thanks, I'm fine now," I said a bit out of breath.

"Save that for someone who doesn't know you.  I can see your cuff is red by the way."  Nico said annoyed.  I really should stop lying to him.

Tiffany spoke next, "Will, I will give you a few minutes to change and be out in the common room.  I don't want you staying out of sight with your mental health being as fragile as it is at the moment."  Now directing he attention to Nico and Luka, "Now unless you two are staying here for the next few minutes I need to get a male staff member to watch Will."

"We're staying," Nico and Luka said in unison.

"Good.  Come get me if there is a problem.  I'll see you all in the common room in a few minutes for breakfast."

-----

I was sitting in the common room chilling when I saw Kyle.  His company was a welcome reprieve from everything that was going on in my head.

"Hey, how are you doing?"  Kyle asked as he came over.

"Well if things were okay I wouldn't be here," I said sarcastically.

"Sorry for the dumb question.  You seem better than when I talked to you in the hospital.  You seemed out of it then."

"Well the car crash, relapse, and Nico becoming my ex really shattered my mental health.  I think that my roommate, Ron, told Travis how bad I was doing.  Ron was talking to Travis, and the next thing I knew I had an extra session to discuss how bad my depression was."

"Must have been pretty bad to be sent here." Kyle said with concern. "I went to visit you at rehab and was redirected here.  Are you any better than when you first got here?"

"Yes and no.  I no longer feel like the crash was my fault.  So that is an improvement.  I don't feel like I want to die more often than not now."

He reached out and hugged me.  "I should have visited before now.  I'm sorry."

"I'm sure you have had things going on in your life.  How is the cat?" I said remembering all the scratches he had the last time he visited.

"Finally stopped wanting to murder me I think," He said with a smile.  "So has anything interesting happened here?"

"Hey Kyle," Nico said as he was walking by.

"Well, there is that," I said not knowing what else to say.

Kyle took a second to get over his shock then said, "I'd say spill, but I understand that would be an invasion of his privacy.  Has that been awkward?"

"A little.  Even though he left and I'm mad at him for it I just want him back.  It sucks seeing him struggle and realizing my help isn't welcomed."

"He is probably going through a lot.  Cut him some slack.  You two haven't been just friends in a long time.  I imagine he doesn't know what to do.  If I know him he misses you."

"Like he cut me some slack when I relapsed?" I said bitterly.

"I'm not saying it's fair, but relationships aren't about everything being fair all the time."

Then Gracie walked up. "Kyle, I could hit you."

"What?!" Kyle said in response.

"Don't give me what.  I had to find out what happened to Will via Hazel, and you knew.  Where was my IM?  I already berated Kayla and Austin for keeping me out of the loop.  I'm glad you're here it saves me the trouble of hunting you down."  She redirected her attention to me, "I'm sorry I would have come sooner but someone didn't let me know anything was wrong." She said as she gave Kyle the side eye.

"Hey don't put all the blame on him.  I should have IMed."

"The person who is hospitalized is not the one responsible for calling everyone!" Gracie huffed.

"How is your time going with the legion?" I asked wanting to change the subject.

She lit up.  "It's going great.  War games are fun if not a bit dangerous.  My archery and healing have gotten a lot better.  It's nice to have the chance to learn from adults instead of other kids.  No offense to your skills."

"None taken.  The day Riki and Roxy showed up my life started to get a lot better.  It's nice to feel like there is someone who is older and has responsibility."

"Yeah, it is really nice.  How is round two in the psych ward?"

I had to chuckle at that.  If anyone would understand what it was like to be in this place it was the two people in front of me.  "I hate being here.  Everything is hard.  Nico showing up hasn't made things easier.  I'm still heartbroken over him leaving.  I just want to be done with this.  I know I screwed myself over and everything that has happened can be traced back to me, but I'm so tired of fighting to get better."

"Hey your depression isn't your fault," Kyle said.

"Yup, it's just crummy brain chemistry," Gracie added.

"Thanks guys, so Kyle how have you been?" 

"This semester has actually going pretty well.  I've actually met a girl.  Her name is Sara.  Let's see what other things are going on. Hmmm...  Oh yeah, the big drama is Carrie got arrested for drug possession."

"Yeah?" I wasn't surprised considering she was one of Gemma's clients I sold to.  I tried to act surprised so not to give myself away.  Enough people knew I sold drugs.  I didn't want to add to that list.

"Yeah, she got probation and rehab.  I think she is going back to San Diego for rehab instead of staying here so you won't be seeing her when you get back to rehab."

"Honestly, the fewer people I know in rehab prior to being there the better.  I don't want to be dealing with some outside drama while I'm there.  That was the whole reason I checked out early last time.  So what's Sara like?"

"She is a sweet heart.  I've never met someone I clicked with so much.  You will have to meet her!"

"Let's just wait till I'm out of here.  I would prefer to make a good impression.  That is impossible from the psych ward or rehab."

"I get that.  I have to go but I'll see you two again soon.  I want to check in on Nico if you don't mind before I leave.  He's still like family even if you two aren't together."

"Of course.  I get it." I replied then Kyle walked off.

Gracie looked a bit more serious, "So how are you doing, really?  Hazel told me about the car crash and everything that followed up until you were released from the hospital back to rehab."

"My mental health bottomed out so I was transferred here.  I'm still really upset about the break up with Nico.  I really just want to get high and forget this nightmare ever happened.  I can't even see a way out of this nightmare."

Gracie came over and hugged me not saying anything for a while.  All of the emotions I had tried to push to the corners of my mind so I didn't get overwhelmed came to the surface with Gracie's act of compassion, and I started silently crying.

"I know it seems impossible but this a battle you can win.  You have your whole family behind you."

We didn't say much after that but enjoyed each others company.

 

Notes:

Please comment your thoughts! I love hearing them. They make my day so much better!

Chapter 49: Day 15: Ashley and Tom's Fate

Notes:

Posting one day early because I feel like hearing from you lovely people. Thanks for the amazing comments.

Ok, there is graphic violence in this chapter. You have been warned.

Nico POV:

The flashback haunted me for days. I felt spooked and on edge more than ever.  I wasn't able to focus in therapy.  It seemed like the quest had fully caught up to me in a bad way.  I was in a constant state of hypervigilance.  It didn't help that I was trapped in the ward.  I would usually make escape routes to calm down when I was feeling unsure or panicked about a situation.  I couldn't do that when there was only one exit and it was locked with a keypad.  Dr. Green said it was a coping mechanism developed from consonantly being in danger.

This entire situation just made me want Will back.  I knew he wasn't ready to talk to me, and I needed to respect that.  I was the one who broke things off.  He had the right to deal with that however he would like.  The other day when I had the flashback I had entirely forgotten what had gone wrong for the moment in our relationship.  I knew we both had problems to work out but maybe we could do that together?  Having my mind betray me like that gave me at least some insight into how Will felt with his depression.  Something that wasn't fun and wasn't in your control.  It seemed like the longer I was here the more I could understand Will.

I was going to try to open up a little more about what happened in the quest today.  I was dreading it.  Part of me felt like if I could just tell someone what happened I would be fine and could get out of here.  The logical part of my brain knew that wasn't true, but I could hope.

"Hey Dr. Green," I said as I went into his office.  We had worked on calming techniques since the flashback, and I felt I was ready to talk more about the quest.

"Hey, so are you up to talking about the quest again?"

"I can try."  I said nervously.

"So what part of the memory do we want to start with?"

"We don't have to go in order?" I asked confused.

"No.  We do this in whatever order helps."

I took a deep breath and said, "I want to talk about the party.  I think breaking it down in order will help me."

"Alright.  Remember if it becomes too much put away the memory and go to your safe space."

"Tom, Mitchell, Cindy, and I went inside to look for the girls.  Penny decided to stay outside on the lawn.  I wish she had a working sense of smell, or she could have alerted us that we were going into a monster den." I said bitterly.  "The mist was super thick in the house I realized in hindsight.  All of the empousa looked like normal girls and the cyclopes looked like overgrown jocks.  It wasn't until we were well into the house that I saw the first cynocephalus.  That clued me into there was a problem.  Since the cynocephalus didn't see us I decided the best thing to do was to split up to find the girls and leave."  I started crying at this point.

"Do you want to stop?" Dr. Green asked.  "If it is too much we can do it another day."

"I just want to push through this part.  Mitchell and I went together and Cindy insisted on going on her own.  Tom went with Cindy. Mitchell and I found Gwen and tried to talk her into hearing us out.  We decided that we would talk in the backyard.  We never made it that far.

Cindy found Ashley.  The monsters decided to strike after all of the exits were locked.  They grabbed all of us.  The empousa holding me immediately bit me making my powers too hard to control.  I couldn't use them enough to get us out or fight back.  I couldn't move."  As I was talking I was slowly pulled into a flashback reliving the event.

"So, son of Hades you're now going to feel what it feels like to have to watch your friends die.  Maybe something worse for the redhead,"  That was Cindy.  "I hate the Romans,"  These words would have been more terrifying if I wasn't in immense pain and half-conscious.  Cindy was being held by three cynocephalus.  Tom and Ashley were being held by Cyclopes.  

The empousa started taunting again, "I hear you have a thing for helping kids.  Let's see if we can use that to break you."  She bit down hard again flooding my system with more disabling venom.  I was on the floor at this point nearly passed out.  Some monster I couldn't see pulled my head up so I would have to watch.  He said, "You have killed too many of my kind for there not to be consequences.  I want to send you back to your father broken."  My vision was swimming at this point but was slowly coming into focus. 

The empousa who was biting me seemed to be the ringleader. "Oh, how rude of me I forgot to introduce myself.  My name is Kelly."  She said as if she was starting a show. "Now I always say ladies first.  Let's start with the young one."  It was horrible.  They started torturing her.  They would dislocate joints and break bones slowly.  The screams were horrid.  By the time they had finished, Ashley was in pieces.  I started to clear some of the venom and worked on getting up when Kelly came back to me.

"None of that dear." And she bit me again.  They then did to Tom what she did to Ashley.

"Nico, I need to know that you can hear me."  I heard Dr. Green say.  That snapped me out of the flashback.

"I can hear you."

"Did you just get lost in that memory like you were reliving it?"  Dr. Green asked.

"Yes,"

"Why don't we stop there and talk about what you just told me."

"Yeah...yeah that sounds good." I managed to say even though I was still breathing hard.

"You mentioned before that you felt helpless getting drugged by a monster.  Has that feeling come up after the quest?"

"Yeah, normally during flashbacks and that tends to lead to panic attacks."

"Have you noticed any commonality between things that set off flashbacks?"

"Typically when things startle me, someone grabs me, or when I try to recall events of that night.  Is this fixable?"

"Yes, it might take a bit though.  We are going to work through the memories till they are just that, and your brain processes them as memories instead of things that are happening again."  Dr. Green said confidently, "You are far from the first person to come in here with PTSD.  Stereotypical question but how do you feel now about the events you described?"

"I keep going over what I could have done differently.  Those kids died horribly."  I started breaking down because I was at my emotional limit.

"What happened wasn't your fault."

"But-"

"Were you the monster?"

"Well, no,"

"Then put the blame where it belongs, on the monsters.  Yes, you made decisions that got you there, but the fault lies with them in the end." He assured me.

"There wasn't even a funeral held for them."

"Does that bother you?"

"I'm a son of Hades of course it bothers me!  Making sure the dead are put to rest is important to me.  It just feels like a way that I failed them again."

"Nico, how do you feel about death?"

"Huh?"

"How do you feel about it?  Is it something that is an eventuality? Is it something evil?  Is it a part of life?  What are your feelings?"

It took me a while to think about my answer.  For someone who has a close relationship with the dead, I had never tried to voice my feelings on the matter.  "It isn't something to fear.  It's just moving on to what is next.  I like that there is fair justice after death."

"Is the reason that the lack of a funeral bothers you because you didn't get a chance to grieve properly or is it something else?"

"I'm afraid they didn't move on properly and are stuck in between or in the DOA waiting room.  I've been too afraid to use my powers to check."

"Would you feel better if you checked?"

"What if they aren't at peace?"  I said voicing my true concern.

"Couldn't you help with that?  I read in your previous therapist's notes that you are the Ghost King, and that gives you some power over ghosts and an ability to direct them to where they belong."

"I could.  I'm afraid to face them.  They died such awful deaths, and I just watched. I'm afraid they would blame me."

"You didn't just watch.  That is what the other monsters did.  You were drugged repeatedly.  There was nothing more you could have done."

"I don't think that's true.  I was able to later use my powers while venom was in my body when I got upset enough."

"Were you holding back while Ashley and Tom were dying?"

"Well no."

"Then I imagine that came out of desperation and maybe getting enough of the venom metabolized that you could do something."

"I think you should think about looking into if they are at peace.  It would give you peace of mind I imagine.  I think this is a good stopping place for today.  Let's see if we can maybe talk more about just what we talked about today again later.

Notes:

Let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 50: Day 16: Rock Bottom Has a Basement

Notes:

Thanks for the comments!

It was outside of visiting hours so it was odd to see Hazel show up. She was dressed in official attire so I imagined it had to do with the legion, but when she went to talk to Nico I dismissed that thought. I decided to pay them no mind and worked on my journal.  It was about 30 minutes later when Tiffany and Nico came up to me looking grim. Hazel was sitting by the door.

Tiffany spoke first, "Will, there is no easy way to break this to you. Praetor Hazel is here to arrest you for drug distribution." The ringing in my ears was deafening. I instantly couldn't breathe. This was one of my worst fears. I was trying to get my life together, and this was coming back. No, no, no, no. I was about to lose everything. If I was being arrested it means they have evidence or testimony. There was no way of getting out of this.

Nico shook my shoulder "Will, I know what I am going to ask you is impossible but I need you to calm yourself down and listen. It's important." I tried to take a deep breath then another, then another. I was still panicked but I could at least hear. "With me?"

"Yeah, I can hear you." I tried to calm myself.

"Good, I'll hire you a lawyer. They will meet you down at the senate house holding cells. New Rome doesn't hold prisoners of non-violent crimes long before their first trial date, so your initial hearing will be today in front of the senate and the praetors. The praetors serve as the judges and the senate serves as the jury. I'll be there as ambassador, and I have a jury vote.  I'll do my best to argue on your behalf. If your lawyer argues the final trial can be in a week instead of today. Don't delay the trial.  The senate looks more positively at people who accept what they've done and don't waste the court's time. There is no rule against self-incrimination here, so if you don't plead guilty the prosecutor will call you to the stand. Do. Not. Lie. Whatever you do, don't lie. The senate has methods to know when someone is lying on the stand. If you lie there is no mercy for your crime, and you will get the maximum punishment. In your case that is banishment, 10 years in jail, or 5 years highly dangerous service."

I audibly swallowed. This was bad. I asked in a shaky voice, "Highly dangerous service?"

Nico looked scared, "It doesn't sound like the worst punishment of the three but it is. The gods will be notified of your crime and then they are allowed to send you on whatever quest or errand they need for the next 5 years, and you can’t refuse.  Some gods don't care and will leave you alone, some will be happy to have a willing servant, and others see it as their duty to punish your crime.  No god will help you when asked. Sometimes you can get demigods to help but most won't in fear of angering a god. The last person who had this as a punishment was seen maybe 5 times in those years because he was kept that busy. The five times he was seen were all for medical reasons. It's not unheard of for someone to die from this punishment. No lying. Understand?"

"Yes," This was bad, extremely bad.

"What happens if I start by pleading guilty?" I asked. I needed to know.

Tiffany piped in, "Then the trial is skipped. There is no such thing as plea deals here. You will have a sentencing trial. Pleading not guilty when you are counts as a lie in the court."

"Oh my gosh," I covered my mouth. I was about to cry. Everything was crashing around me.

"Nico, what good is a lawyer in a sentencing trial?" I needed to know what exactly was going to happen.

"In a sentencing trial, you will testify, as will any of your victims, in this case people you sold to or their families.  A good lawyer will be able to ask the victims questions to make it sound like your crime had a lesser impact. They will be able to ask you questions about your reasons for the crime. They will also have a closing argument to convince the senate for a reduced sentence. I'll find you the best. That covers everything. Oh, wait. Don't talk to Hazel. As much as she loves you anything she knows, if it doesn't come out in trial, she has to share."

"Uh okay. How are you getting out of here for the trial?"

"Dr. Green is going to accompany me.  There is no way I'm going to miss your trial." Nico smiled at that quickly then dropped it. "Any other questions before I call Hazel over?"

"Do praetors normally arrest criminals?"

"No, Hazel didn't want some stranger to bring you in.  She thought this would be easier on you."

"Okay, no more questions." Nico waved Hazel over.

Hazel looked extremely sad, "William Solace you are under arrest for drug distribution." She said as she cuffed my hands.

Notes:

I know I’m leaving you on a cliffhanger! I would love to hear your thoughts. This week isn’t the best so it would certainly cheer me up.

Stuff is going on in real life so I don’t imagine there will be another update till next weekend.

Chapter 51: The Lawyer

Notes:

Happy to hear from you all!

Hazel brought me back to the holding cells at the senate house where the trial would be. The entire time from the hospital to the senate house I was somewhere between a panic attack and numb. My future was over. The list of punishments for my crime was severe. The only time I truly registered my surroundings was when I heard the clang of the holding cell shutting.

The first thing I noticed about my cell was that all of the metal corners were perfect for cutting. I hadn't registered that Hazel was still outside the cell when I decided that cutting was a perfectly reasonable response to an extreme situation.

"Will," Hazel said. I spun around surprised. She looked sympathetic, "Please know this wasn't my choice.  The prosecutor's office decides what cases are brought forward and when.  I'm so sorry.  Your trial is in 4 hours. Nico said to not leave you alone for a moment. With your bracelet being red I can see why. Until the trial starts you will not be alone for more than a few seconds. I know your history, and this situation must be one of the most stressful in your life."

"Okay," I responded remembering that talking to Hazel at the moment could backfire, and the best thing to do was keep my mouth shut. I went and sat on the bench in my cell and leaned my head against the wall. I tried to think of nothing because there was nothing I could do to help myself. We sat there in silence for an hour before a man with gray hair and a nice suit walked in.

"William?" He said.

"Yes, that's me," I replied.

"I'm your lawyer. Eddie Brown. Praetor you may step out.  I need to talk to my client alone."

"He is not to be left alone prior to the trial. He is a known risk to his health."

"Noted." Hazel left the room.

"So, let's start with what will happen in the courtroom. The prosecutors will read your charges.  After this, you are going to ask them to explain your charges.  While I believe drug distribution explains itself, I want to make sure that you don't wrongly confess.  Early in my career, one of my clients got caught with that. It was a mess to undo.

The next thing that will happen is you will plead guilty, not guilty, or no contest. Now the senate will know if you are lying because of the spell in the room. If you lie you automatically get the maximum punishment for your crimes. 10-years jail, banishment, or being a basic slave to the gods for 5 years. Knowing this how are you pleading?"

"Can you explain pleading no contest?" I hadn't heard of this option.

"You admit no guilt but accept whatever punishment the court decides to give you based on your initial charges.  This doesn't count as a lie.  No matter whether guilty or not anyone can plead no contest.  You don't get to explain any circumstances that led to your crime because you are not admitting one occurred."

"If I did this would it show up as a conviction on my record?"

"It would show up as no contest which is almost as bad.  The only real reason to do this is if by admitting to the crime you would have to admit to further crimes that would overshadow the initial charge."

"Okay, so I won't be doing that.  I'll ask for an explanation in court, but can you explain exactly what my charges are?"

"Sure.  Drug distribution is the selling of drugs to individuals for personal profit or favors." For once in my life I caught a break, maybe. I let out a sigh of relief.

"I never made a profit or had any favors." I let out a small smile maybe things weren't hopeless.  Eddie didn't look like anything had changed.

"Profit means there was money that went into your hands. The only way the court would see that you didn't make a profit is if you gave the drugs away for free." My hopes dropped some.

"I never saw a dime of profit myself. I was delivering and collecting money for Gemma. All drugs came from her and all money went back to her. I was an errand boy. I never made a profit."

"Did any of the people you sold drugs do ever do any favors for you since you sold to them, even not related to the sale? Did they give you drugs to have with them? Did they give you a ride somewhere? Did they offer you coffee when it was freezing out? Get the picture?"

"No favors." This I was positive about. I never sold to Eric, so I was in the clear.

Eddie smiled a true smile for the first time. "That is excellent news! It's rare for the charges to be wrong. We can protest the charges. Drug distribution without profit has a far lesser maximum sentence 5 years jail or one year of being a slave to the gods."

I swallowed and the smile dropped from my face. "That is still a lot."

"The senate very rarely throws the book at someone. Your sentence should be a lot lighter. So, after the charges are explained I will instruct the court that you intend to cooperate with the trial, but that the charge must be modified for you to plea to it. I'll state the new charge. As long as the court agrees you will then plea to that charge. What are you going to plea?"

"Guilty," I said ashamed.

"Good. I know this sucks but pleading guilty since you are will help you in the long run. The trial will be skipped. The next thing that happens is a sentencing trial. You will state how you committed the crime and what were the circumstances. Then you will be questioned by the prosecution and myself to get the fullest picture of the crime committed and any other relevant facts. I will bring in any needed witnesses as will the prosecution. They will then be questioned by both parties. After this, the prosecution will state your final charges as long as the praetors agree you will plead to those charges.  After this I will make a statement summarizing the reasons for leniency then the prosecution will make a sentencing recommendation. You will then be brought back here while the senate deliberates and comes to a decision. We will then go back out and the sentence will be read." I must have visibly paled towards the end because he finished with, "Your life isn't over."

"I want to be a doctor so it really is," I said with a humorless chuckle. Eddie looked somber at that.

"I'll do my best. Now I need to her the entire story, every detail so we can plan what you are going to say."

I started explaining how I got back into drugs. "Wait, when did you start doing drugs and why?" I summarized my struggles with drugs and cutting starting when I was twelve to sixteen and the reasons behind them. "Okay, now bringing things to the present day why did you get into drugs?" I explained and then told him about getting in debt to my dealer, and how I didn't take the option for trading sex for drugs. I instead sold drugs and collected the money for her so I wouldn't be facing her enforcer. I told Eddie how I stole from Lou's shop and recently made it right. Then I went into my overdose, rehab stay, why I checked out early, cutting episode, relapse, car wreck, and how I went back to rehab but had to be moved to the psych ward.

"Okay, there are things we can work with. Tell the story exactly as you told it to me."

"Won't I be admitting to other crimes and adding charges?"

"Interestingly enough, the other crimes you committed- the petty theft under duress is just probation, and drug use/possession is just rehab. It would be better to admit to them now than get another trial later. Who was the owner of the shop you stole from?"

"Lou Ellen Blackstone,"

"The prosecution will want to question her so it is better to have her in the senate house so as not to delay the trial. Since you have made this right charges shouldn't even be brought. It will speak to your contrition. Going back to rehab will also help your case. After the testimonies, the final charges will be read. If they have changed you will have to plead guilty or not again. Now at any point in the trial, you may request to talk to me. If you ever have any questions or concerns ask.  Now I need you to explain why you were moved to the psych ward again.

I was ashamed but at this point, I had already confessed everything else wrong I did.  What was another thing?  "I told my therapist that I was thinking about suicide, and I had started cutting again.  That is also why Hazel won't let me be alone."

"Okay, remember formal titles are to be used in the court."

"Alright,"

"Your mental health will need to be considered for sentencing.  Give me the names of your therapists so they can be brought to the court to testify at your sentencing trial."

"So in the end everyone who is high ranking in New Rome is going to know all of my most private secrets?" I said burying my head in my hands.

"Yes, I'm sorry."  This was too much.  I was in a runaway train with no way off and it was headed straight for a cliff.

"Is there anything I can do to help convince them I shouldn't be sentenced as harshly?"  At this point, I was trying to save what parts of my life I could save.

"Have you fought in wars? Have you been on quests?"

"I was a combat medic for two wars and 4 major battles.  I went on a quest to Tartarus to save a Titan with the Ambassador to Pluto."  Eddie raised his eyes once I mentioned Tartarus.

"I can work with this.  I need to go now to get your witnesses."

"Thanks," I said as he left.

Notes:

I'll see you back here next Saturday. I love to know what you thought of the chapter!

Chapter 52: The Trial

Notes:

Thank you for all of the lovely comments. Here is the chapter about the trial!

Sitting in the cell for 2 hours waiting for the trial was hard. I was trying to keep my panic attack at bay and only succeeded 3/4th of the time. Hazel had to talk me down from hurting myself a few times. I was in a pretty bad place if I didn't care if someone else saw me.

"Will, I'm sorry about all of this. If it was up to me we would have done something different.  I argued that we should drop the whole matter entirely since you were in rehab and the mental health ward, but the prosecution was hearing none of it.  I then tried to get it delayed until you got out, but I was unsuccessful."

"Alright."

Eddie walked in, "Will, it’s time for the trial." He said somberly.

"Sorry, Will I have to cuff you again," Hazel said. "I hate doing this by the book." She muttered.  After she reapplied the cuffs to my wrist she escorted me and my lawyer to the senate chambers. It was intimidating. There were so many people. On the floor of the senate were two tables with chairs and three stand-alone chairs. I was guided to the table on the left, and a nicely dressed woman was sitting at the right table.

Eddie was seated next to me and whispered, "The prosecutor is Missy. She is typically a very tough prosecutor. She has been on the warpath getting drugs out of New Rome.  This isn't going to be easy.” Great.  Just what I needed.

At this point, everything was starting to blur together.  I was really on trial for dealing drugs. This was going to be the end of my attempts to become a doctor. I could be spending the next few years in prison or worse. I started to hyperventilate. Eddie noticed that I was panicking. "There is no reason to panic. Things are going to go the way they will. I will do my best to mitigate the damage. Passing out from lack of oxygen won't help anything. You need to calm down and breathe. You have a job to do here: make this as better as possible for yourself. Focus on that."

"Uh, thanks," I said as I was able to get my breathing under control. I was scared, but I needed to focus.

Hazel and Frank sat in two of the chairs at the front leaving the third empty.  I managed to see Nico in a black chiton in the crowd as well as Kyle and Ron. It was a little calming.  I wasn't here alone.

A member of the senate walked down to the floor, "Praetors Levesque and Zhang presiding over the trial of William Solace." Hearing this felt like a knife in the gut.

Frank was the one to speak next, "William, you are being charged with drug distribution how do you plead?"

I felt like my mouth had dried up and I couldn't speak. I looked at Eddie desperate for him to talk instead of me. He seemed to get the message.

"My client would like an explanation of the charges read."

Hazel was the one to speak next, "Drug distribution is the charge of giving drugs to individuals for personal profit or favors. The drugs were not given in the assumption that those drugs would be resold."

Eddie saved me from having to talk more. "My client has full intention to cooperate with the court, but to do so he needs the charges to be adjusted to reflect the crime committed. He never received personal profit or favors for his drug distribution. He acted merely as a proxy for another receiving no portion of the profit."

I caught Nico's small smile in the corner of my eye. That smile gave me some hope that things were going okay. Hazel and Frank started talking to each other. After a few moments, Frank spoke, "The charges will be reduced to drug distribution without profit for now. If the trial shows these charges to be inaccurate the initial charges will be reinstated as appropriate. How do you plead?"

I had to swallow because I was so nervous. "Guilty,"

"Since the defendant has pleaded guilty we will move straight to the sentencing trial," Hazel said. "Mr. Solace shall be questioned first then all defense witnesses and then all prosecution witnesses. Mr. Solace, please sit in the witness seat. The defense may start." I was shaking so badly that it was hard to walk. After a moment, I was facing the entire senate, the observation crowd, and my lawyer. Before starting Eddie whispered, "Just breathe and tell the truth. You will be fine." I nodded my head.

"Please tell the senate all relevant circumstances that lead to you distributing drugs," Frank said.

I took a deep breath and started. It felt like talking about getting hooked on drugs when I was 12 was a bit much but Eddie said that was what to do. "When I was 12 there was a battle at Camp Half-Blood between Kronos monsters and the campers at the labyrinth entrance. My brother Lee had his head smashed in and I was the medic who tried to heal him." Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. "He didn't make it. The injuries were too severe. Since Lee died I was the head medic. I didn't know till later that I developed PTSD from the incident. I kept seeing my brother dying in every patient I treated. After four days I broke and stole drugs from the infirmary to get high to deal with seeing Lee's death on loop. I stopped after 2 weeks when my sister got suspicious. I quickly afterward developed a self-harm problem to cope. This kept up till I was 16 and was caught. I tried to cope without it but ended up stealing drugs because my friend died and I couldn't cope without something. I was caught before I could use them. I was then given two treatment options and chose to go to New Rome's Mental Health Center as an in-patient. Where I started working on getting better.

I stayed clean of drugs and cutting till this summer semester of college. I was offered Adderall from Gemma McDoug to study for an organic chemistry test. I was desperate and took it. I was plagued by nightmares of Tartarus and other horrible things for the next four nights. I then couldn't handle it anymore and went back to Gemma asking if she had any oxy. I wasn't in a good place at that point. A few weeks later I got in debt to Gemma. She offered for me to sleep with her to clear the debt but I refused. She had an enforcer, that I was scared to meet, so when she then said I could sell to her regular customers for her till the debt was paid I decided that was the safest option. A week or so later I stole from Lou Ellen Blackstone's shop an item I could pawn." I noticed the prosecutor making notes.  "I used it to clear my debt. I wish I could say that I stopped doing drugs then but I didn't. I wanted to stop but was out of my depth. I overdosed and was convinced to go to rehab. I spent 3 weeks there until Gemma was admitted and I felt that nothing good would happen for my recovery there.

I went on autopilot at that point. I was feeling numb by telling the story. "I relapsed into cutting, then the next day relapsed into drugs and got into a fatal car accident with a friend. I went back to rehab but then was transferred back to the Mental Health Facility when my therapist confronted me about being suicidal." Hopefully, that would be the worst of it.

My lawyer then got up to question me, "Did you feel that if you didn't sell drugs you would be in danger?"

"Yes,"

"How would you know what Tartarus was like to have nightmares about it?"

"When I was 15 I went on a quest there with the Ambassador to Pluto."

"Was the quest successful?"

"Yes,"

"You mentioned that you were a combat medic in the battle at Camp Half-Blood labyrinth entrance. What other major battles have you been in and what role did you serve?"

"I was a combat medic for all of them. I served in the Battle of Manhattan against Kronos. I served in the Battle of Camp Half-Blood against Gaia, and the Battle against Nero to save New York."

"Why were you named head medic when you were 12?"

"I was the most talented healer."

"Until this trial what was your eventual goal?" I wasn't sure where he was going with this but I answered.

"To become a fully trained doctor, ideally a trauma surgeon."

"Is this so you would have better access to drugs?" I was startled by the question and offended.

"Of course not! When I'm at my best I'm a great healer," Something I finally accepted with enough therapy. Lee's death wasn't my fault. "I wanted to be able to be better and save more lives. I wouldn't be allowed to help anyone in the outside world without the proper credentials."

"That is the end of my questions."

Missy got up, "How were you planning on doing this if you were a drug addict?"

"I was trying to stop before my first rehab stay but then got overwhelmed at the anniversary of the Battle of Manhattan. I'm in rehab now. I want to get better. I understand I can't be a doctor with an active drug addiction." I also understood that I couldn't be a doctor with a drug addiction charge, but that was a fact to mourn a different day.

"End of my questions"

Hazel addressed Eddie, "Your first witness."

"Lou Ellen Blackstone, praetors" Lou was then ushered in from a different room and sat where I was previously sitting.

"Ms. Blackstone, were you aware at the time that William stole from your store?" Eddie asked.

"Yes,"

"Did you confront him about it?

"No,"

"Did he come to you about the matter?"

"Yes. He took me out for lunch and explained what he did and why. Then he paid me back the value of the item and some."

"Did the item stolen greatly affect the operation of your store?"

"No, it affected our books till he paid me back but there was no lasting damage."

"That's all my questions," Eddie said as he sat down.

"Ms. Blackstone, were you afraid to confront Mr. Solace?  Is that why you refused to do so while knowing he stole from you?" Missy said.

"No. I didn't know why he did such.  We were good friends.  I figured he would eventually explain himself, or we didn't have to be friends."

"No more questions."

"Next witness," Frank said.

"Dr. Tiffany West, praetors"  Tiffany then took her place.

"What is your relationship to the defendant?" Eddie started

"I can't say.  Confirmation or denial of a professional relationship would infringe on Mr. Solace's rights to privacy."

"I have a form signed by the defendant stating you can testify about his mental state in this trial."  Eddie handed over the form I had signed hours earlier.

She took a minute to read it.  "Alright, I'm his psychiatrist and therapist at the Mental Health Facility."

"Is there anything in his mental state that the senate should consider when sentencing?"

She gave me an apologetic look before answering.  "His mental state changes between depressed, a risk for self-harm, and being suicidal."

"In your professional opinion do you see that changing soon?"

"That would have a lot to do with his circumstances.  His medication has just changed so there is a hope that will bring him to a more stable state of mind, but it also could make things worse."

"Is there anything the senate should consider when sentencing?" Holy crap this was really happening.  I was sitting in a trial that was to determine what the punishment would be for my crimes.  It didn't hit until my own lawyer said 'sentencing'.  I could feel my wrists start to itch and I started rubbing them.  I stopped when I caught Nico's look of concern.

"While I wouldn't recommend jail as a punishment considering he is working to eliminate the behavior that led to dealing in the first place, I understand the senate may feel differently.  If he were to be jailed he would need to stay in the monitored safety wing."

"No further questions."

Missy then stood up, "You have a background in addiction therapy correct?"

"Yes,"

"Based on the defendant's most recent behavior what is the likelihood that he will return to drugs?"

I was nervous.  I had no idea how she would answer.

"He has shown that he is committed to recovering.  Even after this is over he would still have a lot to lose if he went back to drugs.  I do feel that if his future in medicine is taken away he will have a much harder time with both self-harm and drug addiction."

"No further questions,"

"No further witnesses for the defense."

"Prosecution, your witnesses," Hazel said.

"Prosecution calls Carrie Wellsworth."  That's how I got caught.  Kyle told me she was arrested.  I should have thought of the implications of that.  Carrie came into the room looking nervous.  She spared me an apologetic look. 

"Ms. Wellsworth, how do you know Mr. Solace?"

"I bought drugs from him for a little bit." I could tell she didn't want to be there.

"If you didn't buy them from him would you have known where to get other drugs?"

"No, my primary dealer, Gemma McDoug, said that he was working for her, and I was to buy from him now.  I had no other access."

"How did your drug addiction impact your life?"

"Uh...um... I failed out of my semester of college.  My relationship with my family has been cut off.  I lost my job because I couldn't show up on time.  I was arrested for drug possession/use."

I looked over to Nico who looked stressed/nervous.  I started to panic.  Then Eddie leaned over to whisper, "Breathe, it's just one witness.  It's my turn next, and I'm good at my job."  This somewhat calmed me.

"No further questions,"

Eddie whispered to me before getting up, "Did you ever encourage her to use drugs?  Did you ever approach her to buy drugs she didn't ask for prior?"

"No, I told her she should quit every time I sold to her."

Eddie smiled, stood up, and walked over to Carrie.  "If Mr. Solace was not in the picture would you still have had access to drugs through Ms. McDoug?"

"I imagine I would have still been able to buy them from her."

"So, even if Mr. Solace wasn't selling you drugs you still would have been using them."

Carrie looked so uncomfortable. "Uh, yes."

"Did Mr. Solace ever try to sell you drugs you didn't ask for first?"

"Um, no."

"Did Mr. Solace ever tell you to quit doing drugs?"

"Yes,"

"More than once?"

"Yes,"

"Mr. Solace's actions had very little to do with encouraging your addiction then?"

"Yes,"

"No more questions."

"Prosecution does not need further witnesses."

"Does the prosecution have the final charges prepared?" Frank asked.

"Yes, Praetor.  The charges are as follows: drug distribution without personal profit under duress."

"That's good" Eddie whispered.

"-theft under duress,"

"That's okay," Eddie whispered calmly.

"-and theft of narcotics,"

"That's bad," Eddie whispered startled.

Notes:

Let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 53: Sentencing

Notes:

I am posting a day early!

"Objection! Theft of narcotics was committed when Mr. Solace was a minor. It was also committed before Mr. Solace ever stepped foot in New Rome. Crimes committed before coming to New Rome, except for the most violent of crimes, are not to be charged in a New Rome court." Eddie said passionately.

"The prosecution argues that a prior crime can be charged if the defendant is behaving in a similar manner."

"That rule is to be used to dissuade the defendant from further similar action.  He is already trying to turn his life around with rehab and therapy.  Therefore, that rule's purpose has been fulfilled.  He is already being charged with distributing drugs.  It has been the position of the court for some time now not to punish low-level crimes but to rehabilitate those who commit them.  I don't believe the additional charge is going to further ensure Mr. Solace's recovery or dissuade further criminal action.   Furthermore, if he is to be charged with that it must be with the charges as a minor."

"I'm being relaxed by just charging him with one count.  Mr. Solace's testimony is enough to charge him with two counts and probably more."  I was getting to the point of tears.  How did the whole situation get worse?

"Enough!" Hazel said essentially quieting the room.  "He was a minor, and it was before he was a New Rome citizen.  The matter is not under our jurisdiction.  There will be no charges for theft of narcotics."

"Mr. Solace, how do you plead to the crime of distributing drugs without personal profit under duress? Would you like an explanation of the charge?" Frank said.

I turned to Eddie and saw his nod. "Yes,"

"The charge is distributing drugs without gaining anything in return while being pressured by circumstance or other means to do so.  How do you plead?

"Guilty," I felt like I was knocking nails into my coffin.

"Mr. Solace, how do you plead to the crime of theft under duress? Would you like an explanation of the charge?"

"Yes,"

"The charge is the theft of an item for survival, perceived safety of oneself or others, or to avoid another crime. How do you plead?"

"Guilty,"

"Defence you may make your closing arguments,"

Eddie got up from his seat and stood facing the senate camly.  "Mr. Solace has been honest about his past and the crimes committed, but nothing happens in a vacuum.  He didn't start doing drugs for fun.  He had undiagnosed PTSD and was watching his brother die over and over again.  Then he started doing drugs for relief.  This left him more vulnerable to the temptation of doing drugs later on to deal with problems.  He willingly went into rehabilitation to turn his life around and has goals of helping people through medicine.  The crimes he is convicted of he never did for personal gain.  The senate should show him mercy because he is already on the path to recovery without being forced, and no amount of punishment will make that path of recovery any easier.  The goal of the court is to rehabilitate low-level offenders not punish them. Thank you."  Eddie took his seat again.

"Prosecution what are your recommended charges for the senate to consider and modify as they deem necessary?" Hazel said.

"2 months jail followed by 6 months probation." I was going to be sick.  I heard Eddie let out a distressed breath.

"They are really cracking down." Eddie whispered to himself.

"Defense and prosecution may exit the floor," Frank said.

I was led back to the cell in the adjacent room.  The second I heard the clank of the cell door I vomited.  This could not be happening.  My ears rang, and the world was going out of focus.  Was I breathing?  I'm pretty sure my world was ending.  Everything I was working for was going up in smoke.  My goal of being a doctor was done.  I felt this shot all the chances I had of getting back together with Nico.  He wouldn't want to date a convicted criminal.  Would anyone want to be my friend after this?  Damn, where is the air?  

"Will!" I vaguely heard Eddie say.

What job could I even do with a convection?  

"Will, if you don't stop hyperventilating you will pass out."  I heard Eddie say a little clearer.  I sat down on the floor with my head between my knees trying to figure out how to breathe properly.  It took a few minutes.  I hadn't even realized I started crying till Eddie said, "Hey, no reason to cry right now.  Sentences can change.  Even if it doesn't 2 months isn't forever."

"How... often does... the senate change... the sentence?"  I managed to choke out.

Eddie looked a little defeated, "It's rare." He said sadly.

I stopped crying because I stopped feeling emotions altogether. "So I'm looking at spending the next two months in jail?"

"Probably, I'm sorry.  That trial went as well as could be expected."  

"Any chance the senate could make the sentence worse?"

"Yes, but in my career I have only seen that once.  All that is left to do is wait."

After an hour I decided to ask. "Is it a good thing or bad thing it's taking this long? Is this normal?"

"No, it isn't normal.  If I had to guess Mr. di Angelo is arguing hard on your behalf.  It's a good thing I think."

It took another hour before we were called back into the senate chamber.

"Everyone please be seated,"  Hazel announced.  I couldn't tell anything about the sentence from her expression.  "Will the senate read off the final sentence?" 

A small older gentleman walked down to the floor and started to read aloud, "William Solace will serve 1-year probation.  If after 1 year he has not broken his probation he may have his record fully wiped clean and the court record sealed."

I was too stunned to speak or react.  I could still be a doctor.  Hazel said some other things and then dismissed everyone.  Then she came over, "You should thank Nico.  He argued hard to get your record wiped clean.  I think he may have called in some of the political favors he has racked up through the years for it."

Nico came over after Hazel left to do other things.  He addressed Eddie first. "Thank you for taking on the case on such short notice.  I know this isn't your typical type of case."

He smiled, "Hey it's nice every once in a while where the steaks aren't life in prison."

"What is your normal type of case?" Now I was curious.

Nico cut in, "He is the best defense attorney in New Rome, but he mostly deals with murderers and other more serious crimes."

"Well thank you for your help," I said sincerely.

"You're welcome.  It has been my pleasure.  Now I need to go prepare for another case.  Someone should be in touch soon about how to meet your probation officer.  He or she will explain all of the details. Bye," He said as he left.

I then directed my full attention to Nico, "I can't thank you enough for the lawyer and arguing with the senate on my behalf."

"There was no way I was going to let this take you down if I could help it."

"I'm very grateful," I said with a smile.

"Hey," I heard someone say behind me.

"When you're done come find Dr. Green and I so we can go back to the hospital," Nico said before walking off to talk to someone else.

When I turned around Kyle was there. "What are you doing here?!" I said as he gave me a hug.

"Nico said you could use the extra support, so I came.  Gracie wanted to come but she had stuff with the legion she had to do.  How are you holding up?  You looked really stressed down there."

"I was... am.  Today I went from fine to living out one of my nightmares.  I'm not really okay.  Um, do you think worse of me after what you found out?" I said rubbing the back of my neck nervously.  I never told Kyle the trouble I had gotten into with Gemma.

"Not at all.  You are my brother and I love you to bits.  This doesn't change that.  I already knew you spent the semester struggling with drugs.  This is just an extension of that.  It wasn't like you did any of this with your free will.  I'm so glad you're okay and didn't end up hurt."

"Well, I did end up with a cracked rib for my trouble."

"Oh my gosh! Please tell me you got that treated?"

"No," I said sheepishly. "My vitakinesis kept tabs on it, and it healed fine.  I didn't want questions about how I got it."

"If in the future you need medical treatment without question come to me.  I don't like the idea of you trying to treat your own injuries.  Hopefully, there won't be a next time though."

"Yeah, I'm done with drugs.  They ruined my life enough."

"I'm proud of you for getting sober and working on getting better.  I imagine it's extremely hard."

"Yeah, it is."

"I need to be going, but I'm glad things turned out as positively as they did."

"Bye Kyle."

"Hi," I heard behind me as Kyle left.  Turning around I saw Ron.

"Why are you doing here?  Shouldn't you be back at camp?" I said while giving him a hug.

"Nico came and got me from camp.  He said that you could use the support and someone who could relate to the whole struggling with the whole addiction thing."

"Wow, that was extremely thoughtful of him.  How have you been since you got out?"

"Pretty well, but the cabin hasn't thrown a party since I have been back.  I'm not sure if that is an intentional thing or just a coincidence.  I'm a little nervous about how I will do once they throw a party that has alcohol, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.  How have you been?  I know you were in bad shape last time I saw you." 

"Before the trial things weren't quite as dark as they were when I left rehab.  I'm not sure how I feel after the rollercoaster that was the trial.  At the moment I'm in too much shock to feel anything else.  I can't believe that I still might be able to be a doctor after this nightmare."

"I'm happy for you.  I know you will work for it.  Nico is waving me over to shadow travel me back so I better go.  IM sometime."

"I will."

Notes:

I may or may not post next week. I have stuff going on. Please let me know what you think of the chapter!

Chapter 54: Day 18: Probation Officer

Summary:

In celebration of a good week here is the new chapter. I will get to responding to comments around Tuesday. Thanks for the comments! I read them almost instantly once I see them. It just takes a little bit to respond. I love each comment.

Now I have a beach to get back to, bye!

"Will there is someone who needs to talk to you in the conference room."  Tiffany informed me after breakfast.

As I entered the conference room I was met with a red-headed woman of about 30. "Hello, my name is Ingrid.  I'm your probation officer.  Please take a seat."  The very concept of having a probation officer made my sentence all the more real.  "Alright, there are some things we need to go over.  First, do you have any questions?"

"I have a lot of them.  First, what does it mean to be on probation?"

"Well, first of all, you will be meeting or IMing monthly with me to make sure everything is still in order.  You will need to be in school, rehab/hospital, working, or applying for jobs.  If you happen to end up on a quest that counts as work.  Exceptions can be made if there is a good reason for it.  Second, you will need to notify me if you are planning on leaving New Rome.  Where you will be going, and when you will be coming back.  Third, the one can trip people up, you will need to take random drug test throughout your probation.  As a note, this can happen when you are outside of New Rome.  What other questions do you have?"

"What happens if I fail a drug test?"  The idea of being fully sober for a year was daunting.

Ingrid looked sad, "You will spend the rest of your sentence in jail, and your deal for a clean slate goes away.  Normally I can argue for leniency given the right circumstances, but your clean slate will go away ."

I started to internally panic.  I couldn't do this.  Was I just being set up to fail?

"Hey, don't panic.  I'm on your side." Ingrid said kindly, "I'm aware of your addiction, and we are going to find a way for you to do this.  Meetings and a good support network can do wonders if you're committed.  You're not the first addict I've worked with.  I have a pretty high success rate of getting my clients through their probations without incident.  I'm not looking to fail here.  I think you can do this."

"You don't even know me." I said a little disheartened.

"No, but I do know everything you said in your trial.  You've had a tough life and have goals for a good future.  I want to make that happen.  Just let this be a point of starting over.  Any other questions?"

"Is there anything I have to do now?"  I said wondering how much mental energy this was going to be for the next year.

"As long as you are in the psych ward and the rehab center there is nothing you will need to do as far as your probation goes.  Here is my card with ways to get in contact with me.  You need to contact me when you transfer back to the rehab floor, and when you are released.  Any other questions?"

"Nope," I'm not sure what to make of my new situation.

"If there is anything I can help with let me know.  I want you to be successful.  If for some reason this rehab isn't working let me know, and I'll find you a new one.  While the court didn't seem to find it necessary to order you to stay in rehab for a specific time I would say it is critical to you being able to succeed.  Unless you have something you want to discuss, I'll be on my way."

"Nothing else, thank you."

 

-----

Dr. Walker started group therapy time by saying, "I know some of you have had additional stressors in your life in the past few days.  Let's take some time to write about how those things impact your views about yourself.  If there isn't any new stressors write about what you have been talking about in your individual therapy session."

The trial wasn't any good for my self-esteem.  I had all of the important people in New Rome get to find out I was a drug user, dealer, and thief.  They also heard about how fragile my mental health was.  I didn't want people to regard me as a nut case.  I'm grateful for the sentence that Nico managed to put together for me, but the longer probation time bothers me.  Was there just no way around that or did he do it so I would be drug tested for longer?  There is no need to have to trust your friend about their sobriety if they are having to be drug tested constantly.

Gosh the drug testing, staying sober for a year sounds daunting.  I feel like I'm walking a tightrope and one slip and everything will come crashing down.  Every time I think about having to stay sober I want to cut.  I feel like I need that release and if I can't get it from drugs...  I know Fred said to take things one day at a time, and if that didn't work try one minute at a time.  Does that work? I wish I knew because right now it feels like the second I'm let out of here I'm going to lose it.

I started to hear sniffles from across the circle of couches.  Nico looked like he had been crying silently for a while.  I wanted to fix it, but knew I couldn't.  I decided the best thing to do was to at least go sit by him.

"Are you alright?" I whispered trying not to attract attention.

"No," He said then leaned his head on me. I put my arm around him and was surprised to find it wasn't rejected.  It felt nice to be able to offer some comfort and see that it was wanted.  Maybe we could be friends after all.

"Okay, who would like to start first?" Dr. Walker said after a minute

Jessica spoke up, "Since I've been having so many mental health problems with my panic disorder I decided a while ago to drop out of New Rome University and take self-paced online classes.  I have a longer time to complete a semester than I would otherwise.  I found out I failed one of my primary math classes.  Almost every other technical class in my degree relies on this as a prerequisite.  My mom is already on my tail to finish my online classes and get back to in-person classes.  Even if I hadn't failed I don't think I'm up for it.

Some days things are fine and I can function, process complex problems, and do great work.  Other days my panic disorder gets in the way and everything seems too much.  I get brain fog and can't do anything."

"That's really frustrating.  When I was in a bit deeper in my ED I would have bad brain fog.  I ended up getting some pretty bad grades.  I'm sorry you're going through that."  Kate said.

I was tuning in an out of what people said with my brain still being occupied with worried about my probation.  Then Nico started talking and had my full attention. "I don't know that it was mentioned at any time before this, but I'm the son of Hades.  This means I can summon ghosts among other things.  Two people on my quest died without funeral rites."  My heart broke for him.  I knew how much that would bother him.  "I've been too scared to see if they found their way to peace.  I've been too scared to summon their ghost to find out, because I'm afraid they will blame me for their death."

"When I was younger I was the sole survivor of a quest.  The quest was stupid, retrieving some identical artifact to one a minor god had so that another minor god wouldn't get jealous and take out his rage on us.  It took me a long time to admit that those deaths were not my fault.  All quests are dangerous.  I don't know your specific situation, but I'm pretty sure that no fault lies with you.  You did your best and that is all anyone can ask of a quest mate."  Luka said.  Nico was starting to look a little less upset toward the end of Luka's statement.

"Thank," Nico said as he dried his tears.

"Will, do you have anything to share?"  Dr. Green asked.  I then realized that I was the only one who hadn't said anything.  I knew I wasn't required like in rehab, but maybe talking about my fears might make them less scary.

"I was on trial yesterday for some crimes I committed while using drugs.  I got a sentence that was more than fair, but I'm... uh... I don't feel up to talking about this."  There were just too many emotions and fears going through my head to get them all straight.

"Alright, maybe try talking to Tiffany about it. Group dismissed."

-----

I hadn't called my mom since the crash.  I figured I owed it to her to update her as to what was going on.  She was going to kill me for dealing despite the circumstances.

"Iris show me Naomi Solace in Texas"

A moment later mom showed up in the IM. "Hi, mom,"

"Will! How are you?  How is rehab?"  Man, it had been a while since we had talked.

"About that-" I said sheepishly.

"You didn't check yourself out again did you?" She asked sternly.

"No!" I said quickly. "I was sent to the mental health ward because I was cutting and suicidal." 

Her expression immediately softened.  "I'm so sorry honey.  How are you doing?"

"Well at the moment I'm all over the place."  I decided not to delay telling her about getting arrested.  "Yesterday, I was arrested and tried for dealing drugs."  I had never seen her look more stunned.

"Uh, I have so many questions."  She said a little dazed. "Did they arrest the wrong person?"

I could only feel one emotion, shame. "No, I did it."

"Were there extenuating circumstances?  I can't imagine you dealing drugs.  I mean you've recently done many things I didn't think you would ever do, but this?"

"Yes, I was in debt to my dealer and given the options of sleeping with her or being her proxy for selling drugs.  I believe the third option was facing her enforcer, and I wasn't about to do that.  I ended up stealing from Lou Ellen's shop to get the money to pay off my debt.  I've made that right now."

She shook her head and brought her hand to her face.  It looked like she was taking deep breaths trying to calm down. "I... I honestly don't know what I should say.  I understand you were in a bind but you should have asked for help.  Furthermore, you were the one who put yourself in that position.  What happened in the trial?"

"I plead guilty to distributing drugs without personal profit under duress and petty theft under duress.  Nico really came through for me.  He hired me a lawyer and argued for a reduced sentence in front of the senate.  I'm on probation for a year.  He managed to get me out of jail time, and if I can successfully complete my probation my record will be cleared."

Mom raised her eyebrows at the last part.  "So you got off with a slap on the wrist?" She said with a relieved smile.

"I have to be able to pass drug tests for my entire probation time or I'm looking at possible jail time.  All in all I got off easy."

"You can still achieve your dreams of being a doctor?"

"Yes," I said with a smile.

"I'm glad you can still complete your dream.  I hope the trial cemented in your brain that you have to change."  She said sternly.

"I know mom.  Once I get out of the psych ward I'm going back to rehab."

"I'm proud of you for working on getting better."  She said with a smile.  "That was very kind of Nico to help you."

"Yes, it was."

"Have you two talked since your break up."

"Not yet.  He got checked in here himself due to something.  He wants to do a joint therapy session to talk about things.  I don't know what exactly his goals are."

"I wish you the best with that.  Is he doing okay?"

"Not really,"

"I hope he gets well also.  I love you dear."

"I love you too."

Notes:

So I'm super busy so I won't be posting till at least the 28th. Let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 55: Day 19: Hi Dad

Notes:

I had a fantastic time at the beach. I hope you all are well. Here is the next chapter.

During the night I was visited by Dad.  We were back in the park we usually met at.

"Hey, son," Based on the timing he had to know about the trial.  I didn't know what he was going to make of it.

"Hey,"  

"How are you holding up after the trial?" He said, and I was surprised to see no disappointment in his eyes but only concerned.

"Not the best.  I'm really anxious I'm going to slip up, screw up my probation, and my last chance at being a doctor.  There is just so much more pressure to be perfect in my recovery now.  It wasn't like there wasn't that pressure before, but the possibility of jail time being a very real thing is daunting."

"That makes sense.  I was watching the trial.  I'm proud of you for taking responsibility for your crimes." I cringed at the word crimes.  While it was true beyond argument I still felt uncomfortable about it.

"It's not like I had much choice after I was arrested.  I was back into a corner, and the senate would know if I lied."  There was nothing to be proud of.

"You could have pleaded no contest and skipped the sentencing trial altogether.  Regardless of what you think, it did take a great amount of courage to confess."

"That probably would have resulted in a harsher sentence.  I didn't do anything to be proud of."  I said staring at the ground not bothering to look up.

"You made it through the trial, and you are still here; a fact I am very grateful for.  I know how hard everything has been for you recently and where your mental health has been at.  I'm proud of you for still fighting back against your depression and not letting something like this do you in."  He took my chin and gently turned my head so I was looking at him. "I love you."

"Why?  I'm a complete disappointment and on top of everything I did, I've now been convicted for it.  Everyone high-ranking in New Rome knows the worst things I've done.  How can you love someone who failed so spectacularly?" I said crying.

"Because you are my son.  Nothing will ever change that.  I will always love you.  What happened wasn't entirely your fault.  You have a lot of trauma you still struggle to deal with, and sometimes it gets the best of you."

"I should have asked for help before I got in over my head.  This all started with a stupid organic chemistry test.  I shouldn't have pushed so hard."

"It started when your brother died, and that wasn't your fault.  The o-chem test was just a catalyst for a bad habit to come forward that you developed out of desperation.  Changing is hard, and you are doing it.  I couldn't be more proud."  He said as he gave me a hug.

"You don't think I'm a failure or unloveable?" I said while drying my tears.

"Of course not! Who said you were unlovable!?"

"Well, Nico left after all the crash."

"I know he didn't leave because he didn't love you.  You should have seen how hard he argued for you with the senate.  The senate was ready to go with the sentencing the prosecution presented.  Nico made a compelling case as to why that was a bad idea.  He wouldn't have done that if he didn't still care about you.  I'm pretty sure the reason he left was he didn't know how to handle your relapse.  His leaving had very little to do with how much he loves you."

"You say that as if he still loves me."

"He does,"

"How would you know?"

"I'm a god.  I was watching everything that had to do with your arrest.  That included the conversation between Hazel and Nico when she informed him she was going to have to arrest you.  The fact he still loves you was as plain as day in the way he talked to Hazel.  He was furious that you were being arrested for this and especially that you were being arrested while you were in the hospital.  He also spent a good amount of time in the prosecutor's office trying to convince them to drop the charges."

"He did?"

"Yes," The dream started to break up. "We'll talk again soon.  I left a present under your pillow to hopefully help with the anxiety."

"I love you," 

When I woke up I found a weighted blanket with a note under my pillow.

Your therapist already approved it, so don't worry about it being taken away.  Weighted blankets can be extremely helpful with anxiety, so I've read.

Love,

Dad

-----

"I heard you were having trouble yesterday talking about your feelings about the trial," Tiffany said after I got comfortable in her office.

"Um... yeah."

Looking compassionate she asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What's the point?" I said frustrated, "It doesn't change that it happened."

"The point is to help you deal with things more healthily and not bottling up your feelings.  You should know this, considering your first stay here."

"I know I'm just frustrated and scared about the whole trial and probation situation.  The whole situation made my feeling of worthlessness worse"

"Let's start with why are you frustrated and scared?"

"I'm frustrated because I didn't want to go through yesterday's trial.  I was already working on getting better.  I don't feel why they thought bringing me up on charges was necessary.  I'm scared that I'm going to slip up, ruin my chances of becoming a doctor, and get sent to jail."

"I can see why you would be frustrated.  It's hard when things in your past come back to haunt you.  Do you feel any amount of relief that it can't come back to haunt you again, and it is over with?"

I had to think about it for a minute, but I felt a little less stressed.  "I guess it is.  What I feared most came true, and I still can become a doctor." I had the smallest smile possible come to my face.

"Can you look at the trial itself as a positive for you because it is over?  I understand the probation is a different matter."

"I guess I could try to look at it in a more positive light."

"Let's talk about what you are most scared of with your probation," Tiffany said seriously

"That's easy.  I'm afraid if I have a bad day and resort to using drugs.  Then I will go to jail and never become a doctor."  This was my new worst fear.

"That's a pretty reasonable fear.  What steps can you take so that doesn't happen?"

"Going back to rehab and going to NA meeting when I get out."  I didn't know how much it would help but I would try.

"That's a good start, but that won't exactly be helpful when you are spiraling." 

"That sounds about right.  I went to rehab and an NA meeting and I still relapsed." I said remembering the night of the car crash.

"We need to develop an emergency plan for you when you want to resort to drugs.  Is that something you would like to work on with me, or would you prefer to table that till you are back with Travis?"

"No offense, but I think I would like to work on that with Travis."  We hadn't really delved into my addiction, and I didn't really feel like opening up about it.

"None taken.  We both have our areas of expertise.  Then I want to work on why you feel worthless."

"What is there to work on?  It's the way I feel." I said dejected.

"There are a lot of things we can do to build up your self-esteem.  It should help with your depression and feelings of suicide."

"I don't feel that way all the time." I said trying to deny my self-esteem issues.

"Is that an improvement from where you were when you first got here?" Tiffany pointedly asked.

"Yeah, it is," I said realizing maybe things had gotten a little bit better.

"Can you expand on your feeling of worthlessness?"

"I'm a criminal officially now.  It's public record that I used drugs, sold them, and even stole them when I was a kid.  Anyone can find that information about me without me having to tell them.  I appreciate my dad saying he loves me but who else will?"

"Have you talked to anyone else since the trial?"

"My mom, Kyle, and Ron."

"How did they react?"

"My mom was disappointed in me, but said she was proud of me for working on getting better.  Kyle said this didn't change his opinion of me and that he loved me.  Ron said he was happy for me."

"So everyone you've talked to about the trial has shown you love and support."

"I guess that is true." No one had seemed to get on my case about the trial.

"So if the people you are closest to feel that way other people might feel that way as well."  That idea brought some measure of relief.

"That does make me feel a little better."

"You have value and worth.  Just because you did something bad doesn't change that.  Your family and friends still love you. I want you to try filling out the depression questionnaire again, and let's see how far we have gotten in a little under 2 weeks."

I was nervous as she handed it to me.  What if I wasn't better?  How long was I going to be stuck here?  While my temptation towards cutting hadn't left I did feel like I wanted to be alive.  Looking through the questions I found that I was doing better than two weeks ago.  I had some interest in so activities I used to enjoy.  I didn't feel totally hopeless all the time.  I did feel hopeless during the trial, but that was probably the lowest point in my life.  I'd finally managed to get back to three proper meals.  Maybe things were better.

I handed the form back to Tiffany. She took a minute to look over it and smiled.  "This is much better than where you started.  I want to talk about where you need to be for you to be moved back to rehab.  We need to get you to where you're not a danger to yourself.  That includes cutting.  I see that you don't feel suicidal.  That is a great improvement and shows we might almost be there.  Can you tell me how you are doing with cutting?"

I needed a different question.  After the trial, I lost it and spent time trying to hurt myself.

"Do we have to talk about that today?"

"I think we should, and I think the fact you wish to put off this conversation means we need it all the more." She said with a knowing look.

"Fine, most days I'm tempted to cut, and most days it's manageable."

"Have there been days where it hasn't been manageable?"

"Right after the trial," I said ashamed.  I knew I should be able to handle hard things without this.

"Can I see?"  I showed her my arm with scratches all over it with varying severity.  She spent a minute looking at my arm.  "Looks like no infections to me, but if any of these swell see Dr. Adams immediately.  Things can change quickly.  Okay, the next time we meet alone will be in two days since we are using our next session for the joint one with Nico and Dr. Green.  Next time meet we are going to create a plan for what to do when you start spiraling.  In the meantime, if you feel that way tell one of the staff.  Can you do that?"

I had to seriously consider if I was in a place where I was comfortable with asking for help.  I wasn't there. "I don't think I would even if I needed it." I didn't like admitting this, but I was trying to be honest.

"I'll make sure the staff knows to keep an extra eye on you.  Do you have any current intentions to hurt yourself?"

"No,"

"Okay, that is good to hear.  We will end things here then. I'll see you tomorrow."

 

Notes:

Since the next few chapters are all in a state of mostly finished the posting schedule might be disrupted. Please comment! I want to hear your thoughts!

Chapter 56: Day 20: Chiron

Notes:

You know you guys have been so awesome commenting I thought I would post a short chapter.

What woke me up was an IM. Who would be calling at this ungodly hour? It's like 5 in the morning.

"Will," I recognized the voice before I could register who it was. I was instantly awake.

"Chiron! How are-" I then registered the look on his face. I hadn't seen that look since he found out I was cutting that first night. "You know about the trial," I said in a far less excited tone. I guess I was dealing with this today.

"Yes," He replied giving very little away. Suddenly I felt the need to explain to somehow minimize what I did.

"I can explain," I tried to say desperately.

Chiron cut me off, "You don't have to. I waited till I could read the transcript before calling you."

My demeanor instantly dropped. I couldn't even maintain eye contact through the IM. "Oh gods, So you know everything?" I said wanting to cry. This was somehow worse than telling my mom.

"Only what was said in the trial. When Nico came to get Ron he wasn't exactly forthcoming with the details." Chiron said looking a little frustrated. "Is there anything you would like to add?"

I proceeded to tell him about all the events that led up to my going back to rehab.  Then I informed him of my transfer to the Mental Health Center. Gosh telling this to Chiron was painful and felt humiliating. This was the person who I looked up to so much and to tell him how I ruined my life hurt.  Tears unwelcome started to fall.

Chiron's eyes softened, "I'm really sorry to hear that." He said compassionately.

Trying to wipe away the tears I managed to say, "I'm sorry for disappointing you."  I couldn't make eye contact.

"I wasn't calling to scold you.  I was calling to see if you were alright."

"What?" I said between sniffles.

"I already knew you had an addiction.  This was just all related to that." I couldn't hide my shock.

"You're not mad?"

"No.  You may have fallen off the wagon hard, but that doesn't change who you are as a person.  How are you doing?"

"Not the best.  I'm glad the trial is over and my crimes can't come back to haunt me now.  I was terrified the entire time, but everything worked out. Maybe? Going through probation for a year sober seems impossible."  Why did saying all of this have to hurt so much?  Though once I started talking it felt like a damn broke. "What if I can't do it and lose everything?  I've already lost Nico over my last relapse.  Next time it could be much worse.  I still haven't talked to Austin and Kayla about being arrested.  What if they hate that they are even associated with me because of how in flames my reputation is?  I hate that feeling like life is worth living doesn't seem like my natural impulse anymore.  Don't get me wrong.  I want to be alive; that took a bit.  Survival just isn't my first thought anymore.  I don't know if that makes sense."

"I've seen a lot of demigods over the years go through mental health problems.  Feeling still extremely depressed even after deciding that you want to live is just one of many steps to recovering from your depression.  Just remember that things will change.  This year will pass.  Things can get better.  You just have to work for it.  I'm sorry that things didn't work out with you and Nico."

"Yeah, that one felt like a knife to the heart."

"I saw how close you two were.  I would expect nothing less.  I called to let you know that whatever happens with your probation as long as you are working on your sobriety there will always be work for you at Camp's infirmary.  If needed we could work out some arrangement."

I stared at him in disbelief. "You've heard the whole story.  Why in Olympus would you be okay with letting me work in basically a hospital for severely injured children?"

"A mistake is forgivable."

"But I've made many,"  I said truly heartbroken as to where this has left me.

"That doesn't mean I'm going to let the best healer in a century go to waste.  We already have spells and safeguards against the stealing of drugs.  You should be safe here to work in peace."

"There is always the Hermes cabin," I mumbled.  There was no way of making Camp fully safe.

Chiron had a glint in his eye. "It's been tried.  Let's just say no one is willing to try it again."

"Thank you, Chiron."

"You will get better, just give it time," Chiron said as if this was a simple fact he was stating. "I must go. Camp to oversee. Bye."

"Bye," I said feeling a little more hopeful.  Maybe if the session with Nico today doesn't go fully south that feeling might stay.

Notes:

As always let me know your thought!

Chapter 57: Day 20: Joint Session

Notes:

An early update because I have nothing better to do at the moment.

After what Nico did for me in regards to the trial I wanted to have the joint session with him to hear what he had to say.  I wasn't mad at Nico for leaving anymore, but at the same time, it hurt like hell.  I was very cautious.  Just because he helped me in the trial didn't mean I wouldn't get emotionally crushed again, or that he wanted me back.  He could have been just being a good friend.  The meeting was held in Dr. Green's office since it was bigger. The four of us were sitting facing each other. I hoped this would go okay.

"Alright, so the rules of this are simple. Each of you holds a silver ball while talking. If the ball turns red the person who is holding it told a lie." Dr. Green said.

"Uh, how sensitive is this thing?" I asked wanting to know where the boundaries of the magic were.  I was just in a trial with a truth spell I wanted to know how similar it was.  Nico gave me a suspicious look. "What I want to know is if I hold something back will it count it as a lie?"

"Since I didn't make the balls I couldn't say. I would encourage you not to hold things back though, or this won't be as helpful." Dr. Green stated. "Who wants to start?"

"I have a question about the trial.  Then I want to know why you wanted to do this?" I asked. I wanted to know his intentions. Was it the closure of our relationship or something else?

"Well, ask away," Nico said a little confused.

"Thank you again for what you did in helping me with the trial.  I am thankful.  I want to know whose idea the longer probation time was?"  The more I had thought about the trial the more I had wondered, and the more it had bothered me.

"Mine.  Since I was offering a new sentence with no jail time and the option for a clean record, I needed to balance that upside with something."

"Did you know I would be drug tested randomly while I was on probation?"

"Yes, I was aware of that being a condition of probation," Nico replied not getting where I was going with this.

"Did you suggest the longer time because you knew that I would have to stay sober that entire time, and the court would keep tabs on me?"  I wasn't sure if he had used the court as a way to keep me in line and monitored for longer.  If he did I was going to be furious.

He looked uncomfortable, "It didn't cross my mind." Nico said as the ball turned red.

"So, now you are lying to me," I said irritated.

Nico closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "The thought did cross my mind.  It wasn't the reason I suggested the longer probation time though. I swear.  It wasn't at all.  If I had suggested the same sentence the prosecution wanted minus the jail time plus the ability to have a clean record the senate would have never gone for it.  It would have seemed like favoritism.  Before the trial, the senate was made aware of our prior relationship and your friendship with Hazel and Frank.  If I was going to fight for a better sentence for you it still had to be a fair sentence equal to the crimes you committed.  The prosecution was a little harsh in my opinion, but I needed to keep the sentence in the same ballpark.  I probably could have argued 6 months probation without jail time, but it would have stayed on your record.  I decided that you would have to tough it out if you still wanted to be a doctor."

"Okay," I felt a little better.

"You're getting sober anyways, why did it matter?" Nico asked curious.

"If you had used your position to ensure that someone would keep invading my privacy for your own peace of mind it would speak to a level of distrust I'm not even sure we could build a friendship on."

"That makes sense," Nico said seriously.

"So why did you want this joint session?"

Nico was looking at the ball and then answered, "Two different reasons.  I'm worried about you and your mental state.  Also, I want to discuss our break up.  I was wrong to break up with you."  I felt shocked at this admission.  "I shouldn't have left when you relapsed.  I know I messed up and left you when you needed me.  I wouldn't be surprised if you were mad at me for leaving.  I would be.  You were trying to get better, and I couldn't see that at the time.  If you would want I would like to possibly get back together.  I don't know if we are at a point where we could do it though.

The thing is I'm hesitant to do that because I don't understand what exactly happened in your head the night you relapsed or exactly your reasons to want to be high.  I had trusted you to be by yourself without someone over your shoulder, and that backfired.  I don't trust you in the way I would like to for a healthy relationship, mainly because I don't understand you with your addiction.  I'd like to.  I don't understand when I'm asking something that is just too much." Nico looked serious.

I didn't entirely know what to make of that.  I missed him and wanted him back, but I was hurt he left.  He had done everything he could do to help me in the trial so maybe I could forgive him leaving.  It seemed like he was trying to understand in a way he didn't bother to before.  Would that be enough?  Would he leave again if I relapsed?  "We can circle back to my mental health.  If you regret leaving why did you?"

Nico looked bothered, "Your relapse wrecked me.  I was maxed out with worry and fear, and I didn't know if you relapsed again if I could take it.  In my head, I was trying to figure out if I could watch you get worse without it seriously damaging me.  I knew I couldn't.  I later realized it didn't matter.  If I was with you or not it was always going to wreck me, so I rather be there to help.  I also realized that you weren't getting worse.  You just had a setback."

"Okay.  If I relapse again are you going to leave if we did get back together?" Nico looked a little taken aback.  "Not that I have any plans to. I have far too much to lose.  I'd probably get caught and go to jail, but I'm an addict."  I was internally grimacing at the admission but after the trial spelled out everything, there was no denying it. "That is a possibility."

Nico paused and took a deep breath before answering, "No, if we get back together I'm in for it all. That is as long as you are working to get better.  If you give up so do I." Nico said looking resigned to the limitation of what he could handle. "I was upfront when I said I wouldn't be with an addict actively feeding their addiction.  I can see now what you did wasn't that.  It was a mistake.  I do need to know why you relapsed.  What led to that?" He asked sincerely.

"At first I was trying to distract myself because I was panicking over the fact I thought you were going to break up with me for dealing drugs and stealing.  Ironic, considering my actions out of stress over that caused you to leave." I said with some amount of frustration, "I was really stressed by that, and stress is a trigger of mine.  I honestly didn't think drinking would be a problem since that wasn't my addiction.  It put me in a compromised state where my resistance was down.  As strange as it sounds I felt like I deserved to get high because I had a shitty week and deserved some relief."

"Why would you want to put yourself in a position where you couldn't be fully aware of your surroundings?  The very idea of being out of control gives me a panic attack." Nico said confused.

"It's because when I used oxy I used it to try to block out my surroundings.  If I did bad on a test, I didn't want to remember.  If I was stressed about something, I didn't have to think about it.  I could numb out anything that bothered me."

"Do you want to get better?" Nico asked.  It seemed like a question that had been asked rhetorically a thousand times but was being genuinely asked for the first time. 

I took a deep breath because the truth was going to hurt, but if I lied I'd be caught. "I don't want to get better." Nico looked like I slapped him, but I continued.  "I want to still be able to get high and not face any of the consequences.  I like getting high.  It's a stress reliever.  That all being said I'm committed to getting better because the consequences of me continuing like I was are so grave and potentially deadly.  On my better days, I don't want to die."

Nico looked troubled by my answer.  He then responded, "I can appreciate you not sugarcoating it for me." with a sigh.  "Did I ask too much of you to stay in the dorm by yourself?  Did I set you up to fail?"

It took me a while to come up with an answer.  I felt it important to be accountable for my actions, but Nico was asking if he contributed.  "I was back in the same city where I spent a lot of my time getting high under what I would consider stressful circumstances.  I didn't spend enough time in rehab to be able to handle that."  Admitting my failures wasn't fun.  "You didn't set me up for failure.  I did that to myself.  I should have told you how on edge I was and how bad an idea it was to be by myself." 

"I'm assuming that me putting off a stressful conversation instead of getting it over with wasn't a good thing for you."

"Yes," I responded immediately.

"Could you forgive me for leaving you when I should have stayed?  I knew expecting you to be relapse-free was unrealistic somewhere in my brain.  Even knowing this I wasn't prepared for how it would feel if you relapsed.  Stepping back I can see you didn't do it to hurt me, but at the time it felt like you had acted with complete disregard for how much I would get hurt.  I can logically see now that your relapsing didn't have anything to do with consequences for anyone not even your own."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I trust you as much as I used to.  I imagine that feeling is mutual though."  I knew I had dissolved some of his trust with everything that I did.

"Yes, that is true.  I'm not completely over the lying about your drug use in the first place, to be honest, but that's something I'm just going to have to work on.  I know you're doing your best to get better even if you don't want to."  Nico asked nervously.

"Why did you push me away when you got here if you wanted to get back together?"

"We weren't together and I was still working out my feelings about you and your addiction.  I felt it was unfair to use you as emotional support if we weren't together.  I felt that doing that was disrespectful.  I couldn't expect you to take on the emotional labor of a boyfriend without being one."

"It hurt.  I always care about you so being pushed away made me feel like you didn't want me."

"I'm sorry.  That wasn't my intention." Nico said looking distressed.

"So since you didn't let me really ask then, why were you checked in?" Based on his earlier answer I didn't think that I was the cause, but I wanted to know what was.  Nico looked like I killed his puppy.  Maybe I incorrectly assumed he was able to talk about what happened.

"Um...okay." He took a deep breath. "I had a PTSD flashback that caused me to hallucinate that Hazel was a monster.  Frank sedated me before I finished killing her."  He looked deeply ashamed.  He mumbled, "I'm a danger to other people until I can get the flashbacks under control "

"Did Hazel make it out okay?"  I said worried.

"She had some bruising and was scared, but she is fine otherwise." Nico seemed obviously bothered discussing this.

"Was it something new that caused the PTSD?"  I was concerned that I missed something major.

"Yes, I went on a quest that went bad while you were in the hospital." Nico looked very uncomfortable.

"What happened?"

Nico stiffened. "Um... uh...people died," His breathing seemed to be speeding up.  He seemed to be begging me with his eyes to stop.

"Will," Dr. Green interrupted for the first time.  "Nico is still working on being able to talk about the quest."

"I'm still not there.  I have only been able to get through part of the story in therapy,"  Nico said looking like he could breathe properly again.

"Okay, I understand.  Tell me whenever you feel up to it."  I didn't want to push him into a flashback.

"If you have any questions that are not about the quest itself I could try to answer them.  The quest is just a ball of trauma I'm still working on."  Nico said.  I could tell he was trying to be open with me.

"I'm not going to ask something stupid like 'Are you okay?'  I can tell you are not. How do you feel about being here in the psych ward?"

"I'm still worried I'm going to hurt someone."  He didn't continue and then the ball turned red.  "I guess that answers the question if you hold something back does it count as a lie."

"Want to tell me your other feelings?" I said cautiously.

"I feel like being here means that I somehow failed." Ouch. "I feel broken and ashamed."  He must have caught the look on my face of hurt, because he quickly said, "I don't feel that way about anyone here besides myself.  I'm glad you're here.  I'm glad you're getting help.  I don't think anything less of you for it.  I think asking for help is a brave thing to do.  I just can't seem to apply that feeling to myself."  At the end, he was staring down at his lap.

"You've been in therapy before.  How is this different?"  I asked.

"Before was just making sure I didn't fall off the deep end.  This time it's because I sort of did.  Even though I was the one who consented to being admitted I didn't feel like I had much choice." I could tell Nico was trying not to cry.

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with needing more help.  You've shown me that, even when I sucked at asking for it.  Things are going to be okay.  You're not a failure."  The look on his face told me he was nowhere near believing me, but I decided to drop the subject.

"Can I ask about your mental health?" Nico said moving on.

"I guess." I didn't really feel like talking about it, but I would because he asked.

"Are you still suicidal?"  Nico asked concerned.

"No, but that doesn't mean my head is a happy place"

"What do you mean?" Nico asked compassionately.

"Even though the crash wasn't my fault it doesn't seem fair that I get to live when Eric doesn't.  Yes, he wasn't the best friend I could have had, but I miss him.  With my drug use, I failed everyone.  I know everyone cares, and that's why they are disappointed in me.  Some days getting away from my drug addiction feels impossible and trying feels pointless.  If I'm just going to fail why try at all.  I get the consequences of going back to oxy.  I'm not stupid.  My addiction just feels inescapable sometimes, and I don't know how to handle it."

"Are you cutting?"

"I'm in a secure ward without sharp objects.  What do you think?" I said sarcastically.  Tiffany caught my eye with disapproval. 

"I think you didn't answer the question," Nico said looking serious.

"Fine, the trial was a lot. I've been scratching my arms trying to hurt myself." I looked away afraid to see his reaction.

Tiffany was the next person to speak, "Will have you further hurt yourself since yesterday?  I want to make sure you didn't do any damage that needs to be treated." 

"No. Can we move on now?"  I was getting irritated with this line of questions.

It took Nico a moment to get over his surprise. "Yeah, do you have any more questions for me?"

"Do you still want to get back together or do you want to just stay friends?" I asked hopefully.

Nico smiled, "I think all of our problems are fixable.  I rather work on them while we are together. Boyfriends?"

"Boyfriends." I had a surge of happiness and peace.

Notes:

Back together at last. Is it going to work out? So did the joint session go as you thought? Were there things you thought they should discuss?

Chapter 58: Day 21: Cindy

Notes:

So I really wanted to post. There will be no post this weeked. I'm really busy.

Not a therapist so take what is said with a large grain of salt. Also, this chapter discusses sexual assault. If you want to skip it please do. Summary at the end

Walking into Dr. Green's office had finally started to feel normal and comfortable.

"Nico, where do you want to start today?  Have you thought any more about trying to contact Ashley and Tom?"

"I tried to talk about it in group therapy.  I'm still worried they will blame me for their deaths.  While I feel I owe it to them to find out if they are at peace and help them if they are not,"  I started shaking my head. "I'm not ready to face it.  Does that make me a coward?"

"No, it doesn't.  We've talked about how their deaths are the fault of the monsters, and we should leave the fault there.  You were incapacitated."

Still feeling it was my fault I said frustrated, "But it was my responsibility to see them to camp safely."  

"It was also the responsibility of Cindy and Mitchel.  Do you think it was their fault as well?"

"But I was the leader, the responsibility and the fault lies with me, not with them."

"While that is an admirable quality in a leader to take the responsibility and fault for their subordinates' failures, this isn't a situation where that applies.  None of you did something that is blameworthy."

"Then why are they dead?!" I nearly shouted.

"Because the fates deemed it their time.  You did all you could."

I started crying, "They're still dead."

"I know." Dr. Green said without any condescension. "Time might give you some perspective on how to let this guilt go."

"While we are waiting for that to happen we can talk about the other thing I feel guilty about. Cindy."

"You haven't gone into what happened to her."

"That's because that memory has a box all on its own."

"Do you feel up to tackling it at the moment?"

"Yeah, I feel grounded and safe.  It's just a horrible memory." I tried to convince myself so I could get through this.  "Ashley and Tom were dismembered; Mitchell and Gwen were being held by monsters; Cindy was being held by cynocephalus; and I was in and out of it due to Kelly's venom."  My hands started to tremble. 

"Pause for a second Nico.  You are right it's a horrible memory but it is that, a memory.  No one is being hurt now.  No one is in danger.  Take a breath."  Dr. Green said calmly.

Taking a deep breath I felt myself settle somewhat. "Gwen was screaming hysterically.  The only mercy of the day is that when Kelly called for someone to 'shut her up' one of the monsters knocked her out instead of killing her.  I don't know why they did that.  In the end, I was happy she got to skip seeing the next part.  With little exception, no monsters are nice, but this group was particularly cruel.  It seemed their goal was to break us before killing us."

"Kelly said that Cindy was pretty and 'that beauty should be put to some use.'" I said with sheer disgust.  "I can't go into detail about what they did to her because I don't want to"

"Share as much or as little as you want.  The important part is working through and processing the memory."

Starting to lose my breath I responded, "Why is that important again?"

"When traumatic things happen our mind shuts down in some ways to protect us at the time so we can survive.  Sometimes that means we have no memory of the event.  Other times it means we need to take time later to process the memory so our minds can put it away and stop reliving it.  It's like this memory is stuck in the work area of your mind and because it hasn't been worked through like a normal memory it stays there until it is dealt with.  When it isn't dealt with, it can pop up when you aren't expecting it, resulting in flashbacks."

"Okay, the cynocephalus held her down and repeatedly raped her." Having to say this out loud made me start to cry.  "Kelly got distracted and didn't notice that I was starting to come back fully to reality.  The second I had enough strength I was able to control the shadows to grab the monsters for a few seconds.  Just long enough to get everyone together to shadow travel out to the front yard.  I was hoping to get Penny out alive.  She was on the ground with her neck snapped.  I managed to shadow travel Mitchell, Cindy, Gwen, and myself back to New York City.  I passed out and woke up in Camp Half-Blood's infirmary.  There I got through it."  I said, relieved that it was over.

 

_______

Visiting hours started and I was surprised to see Cindy walk up.

"Hey," I said as she approached.

"After that quest, I figured I would be the one in the psych ward, not you." She said with a small chuckle. "I know dark humor. My therapist says it's my way of coping." Looking more serious she said, "You seemed to have it together after the quest."

"Well, things didn't stay that way," I said trying to sound unbothered.

"I heard from Hazel what happened," She said with sympathy.

"Gosh, I didn't think she would tell anyone," I said burying my head in my hands.

"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure your secret is safe with her. I had to pry it out of her when I couldn't find you anywhere, and I think the only reason she told me was because we were on the quest together that set this all off."

"Oh, did you need something?" I asked wondering what she would need my help with.

"No, I just wanted to check in with everyone who had been on the quest. I know I got messed up pretty well and wanted to see how everyone else was fairing.  Mitchel is thinking about going back to college in the spring. From what I can gather Gwen has finally started to talk to her siblings but only them and Holly."

"Oh! Who claimed her?" Cindy brightened up at that.

"Apollo. Who else would it be with her performance background? She was in drama club and all of the school plays."

"If I'd know I could have guessed," I said with a smile.  I was glad she was an Apollo kid.  Her siblings would take good care of her.  "I'm glad she is at least talking to them and Holly.  That whole quest was traumatic.  I'm glad she was knocked out before..."

"Me too,"  Cindy said seriously.

"How are you fairing?"

"Not great.  I still can't have people within a foot of me or touch me without freaking out.  Henry broke up with me."

"Not over that, I hope," I said seriously

She just shrugged.  "He couldn't handle the panic attacks and not being able to get anywhere close to me without me flinching.  He said once I got over my 'problem' we could get back together.  Asshole."

"Once I get out of here want me to go scare the living daylights out of him?  I can't believe he did that."  I was furious.  That wasn't her fault.

"No, I'm sure his justice will eventually come.  Turns out he wasn't a keeper.  It was just a crummy way of finding out." She said sadly.  Looking a little more upbeat she continued, "What about you and Will?  I know you broke up right before the quest, but you weren't sure you did the right thing."

"Now I'm even more sure that I did the wrong thing.  We had a joint therapy session and managed to talk about a few things and we are back together." I said with a smile.

She raised her eyebrows in surprise, "I hope you really talked and didn't just glide over the things that were bothering you because you missed him.  As harsh as it sounds you did have reason to leave.  If you don't work on your issues things will fall apart again."

"We talked through a few critical things and decided the rest of our problems we would work on together."

"Did you talk about how he lied to you for weeks?" Carly said with a pointed look.

"I told him I'm not completely over it.  I think it is just something I will have to work on forgiving."  At this point, it was my problem, not his.

"Have you talked about what will happen if he does it again?"

"No,"

"You should.  The drug use was a big deal, but the lying was also a big deal.  How is his recovery going?  Before the quest, it sounds like he was in a bad spot."  She said concerned.

"He started going to rehab but then ended up here due to depression.  I think really working on battling his addiction is being saved till he has better control of his depression."

"That is a tough thing to go through.  My cousin has depression.  On her worst days, she can't get out of bed.  That is a tough thing to beat."

"I don't think I really understood that till being stuck here with my own demons.  I feel bad that I didn't try to understand more before.  I might have handled his relapse better."  I said running my hand down my face.

"Don't beat yourself up too much.  You're trying to understand now.  No one understands their partner fully.  Work on learning from it and move on.  Once we are all a little better I'd like to meet him.  Currently, I'm jumpy around new people.  I'd make an awful impression." She chuckled darkly.

"How are you able to manage that with school?" I asked curiously.

"I got a medical exception to attend my classes virtually.  It helps.  My therapist is slowly working on getting me to interact with people more."

"How are you doing be here?"  This room had a lot of new people.

"Well, as long as I'm focused on you and not the other people I'm fine.  Although I do want to get going now. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not! Thanks for visiting."  

"See you soon!"

Notes:

What do you guys think?

Summary-Nico talks through the last bit of the quest where Cindy was assaulted. Cindy visits Nico during visiting hours.

Chapter 59: Day 21: Safety plan

Notes:

I just felt like hearing from you lovely people so here is a bonus post.

After the joint session with Nico, I was starting to feel a little better. The trial was done. Nico and I got back together. Things were looking pretty good. I was in relatively high spirits when I entered Tiffany's office.

"How are you doing today?"

"Good. I'm happy that things went well yesterday. I think I have maybe come around to seeing the trial in a more positive light. I still hate that I'm on probation, but at least it isn't worse than that."

"I'm glad you seem to have gained some perspective. So the plan was to work on a safety plan for you. Do you feel up to that or is something else on your mind?"

"Is creating this plan getting me closer to leaving?"

"If it works for you then yes."

Working on this sounded depressing but I wanted to start getting better and getting out of here. It seemed like the only way out of this was through. "So how does this work?"

"Well there are five parts to this, and we don't have to get through them all today. The first one is we want to identify triggers and warning signs. The second part is we are going to list things you can do instead of self-harm. Ways to distract yourself from your thoughts and make yourself safer. Third, we want to list coping skills that work to help you. Fourth, we want to identify people who you could contact to help. Five is identifying emergency options."

"I have a few questions. First, what are examples of emergency options?"

"An emergency option is what to do when all else fails. Examples of this would be calling the 988-National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or 911. Going to the emergency room would also be an emergency option." All of those options felt like too much. I guess they were called emergency options for a reason.

"Okay, second question, what is the difference between distracting techniques and coping skills?"

"Distracting and coping techniques are similar but not the same. Distracting would be replacing self-harm with another action. Coping skills are ways to handle your emotions that go along with self-harm. Some of the things might be the same like exercise. A coping skill might be deep breathing, stop technique, I am statements, and grounding statements."

"I don't remember all of those coping skills."

"That's fine. We can hammer them out when we get there. We don't have to work on the steps in order. We can start wherever you are most comfortable."

"What if this entire thing feels triggering to me?"

"Then let's talk about why this is triggering for you. What emotion are you feeling?"

"Anxious.  I feel like even talking about my self-harm will make me want to engage in it.  I feel relatively good at the moment. I don't want to ruin it."

"Sometimes work that we need to do will make us not feel good.  That doesn't mean we didn't do it right, or we shouldn't have done it.  Starting this while you are feeling good is probably the best place we can start in.  That way you are not already feeling off when we start.  If things start to get too much we can take a step back."

"Okay let's start with people I could ask for help."

"Alright, who comes to mind?"

"Nico is the person I think of first but he isn't currently an option.  Jason and Kyle have always been helpful if I asked.  If I was around her my mom would want to help."

"Okay, that's a good place to start.  Why don't you take notes in your journal and once we are done we can create a single finalized plan.  What do you want to look at next?"

"I don't know a way of identifying triggers or warning signs."

"Let's run through the last few times that you either self-harmed or wanted to.  What were you feeling right before you did it? What feelings proceeded that?  What were you trying to gain? Let's start with the time after the trial.  Let's start by you telling me what happened."

I started scratching the back of my neck nervously.  I hated talking about my self-harm.  It felt invasive and embarrassing. "Um... After I got back from the trial with Nico and Dr. Green I didn't feel like being around everyone especially since I think half the ward heard me get arrested."

"Quick question were you feeling like self-harming before you went in your room."

"No,"

"Continue,"

"When I got in my room I felt on edge and bothered.  It felt like all of the stress that had been building up over the day finally had a chance to crash over me.  I wanted to feel less on edge and less like everything was crashing down around me.  Even though logically thinking about it I had people who were on my side and supporting me, I felt utterly alone and like a failure.  Once I started scratching at my wrists the overwhelming feeling started to subside."

"Okay, can you give me some more examples of when you either self-harmed or wanted to?"

"I had wanted to self-harm in the trial and while I was in the holding cells.  I was anxious and stressed.  It felt like my life was over.  After rehab last time and before coming back to New Rome I had a close call at my mom's house.  Even though I didn't cut I wanted to badly.  I had woken up that morning feeling depressed, I couldn't focus, I felt useless, and I really wanted to use drugs to solve my problems.  At the last minute I IMed Nico when I thought about having to lie to him to cover up that I had cut."

"Alright, I think this is enough to work with for the moment. So based on my notes when you are stressed, anxious, depressed, feeling alone, or feeling useless you want to cut."

"Or get high."

"Do those temptations come up at the same time?"  Tiffany inquired.

"Normally if they could be a remote option drugs come up first.  Then when I reject that idea cutting comes up second."

"So if drugs sound tempting that is a warning sign that you are starting to fall down in a spiral."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Then write stress, anxious, depressed, alone, and useless under triggers and drug temptation under warning.  Is there anything else that you can think of that proceeded a cutting episode?"

"Panic attacks were a frequent trigger when I was 16 as were any emotions like grief that I didn't want to process. Also, the flashbacks to Lee's death were always hard to deal with."

"Okay, add panic attacks, grief, flashbacks, and feeling overwhelmed to the list of triggers.  Unless you have something more to add I think that covers triggers.  Can you think of any warning signs things are getting out of control?"

I was starting to breathe fast.  Having to talk about relapses in such detail was setting me off.  I was starting to remember how much calming effect that cutting had.  I also remember how worried my friends and family were when they found out.  I will never forget the look of fear on Nico's face when he found me with a scalpel and the look of disappointment Chiron had.  

"Will, I need you to take a deep breath and tell me what's going on?" Tiffany said calmly seeing my distress.

"Can't breathe."

"Yes, you can. Take a deep breath." I took a shaky breath and then another after a few minutes I was breathing normally and absentmindedly rubbing the inside of my wrist.  I wanted to cut.

"Will, you just had a panic attack.  Do you want to cut now?"  Tiffany said with concern.

"Yes,"  We were working on a plan to get me out of here.  If I lied to get out of here and went back to my room to hurt myself that would be counterproductive even though that was exactly what I wanted to do.

"Stop rubbing your wrists.  Do you know what set you off?" Tiffany asked seriously.

I started staring at the ground.  I should be able to handle talking about my problems without creating more.  "Talking about my self-harm.  Also, I remembered how everyone reacted to finding out about it initially."

"Since you are in a safe environment here can we continue talking or should we stop?"

"Um... we can continue."

"How did you feel when people first found out about it?"

"Ashamed.  This isn't normal.  People aren't supposed to deal with their problems like that.  The looks of disappointment just fueled that feeling.  No one was judging but the disappointment was crushing."

"This problem isn't something to feel ashamed about.  Is shame a common trigger for you?"

"Yeah," I said feeling more ashamed by the second.

"I think here is a good place to stop talking about triggers.  How are you feeling right now?"

"Ashamed.  I want to cut or get high or something.  I need something to numb this feeling."

"Okay, I think we should try some coping skills.  I know telling you, you don't need to feel ashamed of this doesn't remove the feeling.  There can be a vicious cycle between shame, guilt, and cutting.  The feeling of shame leads to wanting to escape.  This can lead to cutting.  Cutting can lead to guilt over relapsing which leads back to shame.  We need to interrupt that cycle when it starts.  Are there any coping techniques that you find work for you?"

"Going through the five things you can see, feel, hear, smell, and taste usually helps.  Deep breathing works too." I said starting to calm down since we weren't directly talking about my self-harm.

"Okay, for right now let's go through the five things to help you calm down."  After doing that I felt a lot more present and calm.

"So do you know why that coping mechanism works?"

"Not really,"  I wasn't a psych major.  This wasn't my area.

"The reason it helps is it forces you to connect to the world around you and focus on something besides the panic.  Another coping skill that you might find works for you is grounding statements." Seeing my confusion she went on to explain, "Grounding statements are things like 'I'm safe', 'I'm okay', 'nothing here wants to hurt me' or for a flashback 'this isn't real' or 'that happened in the past.' Those are just a few examples.  Does that sound like an appealing coping mechanism?"

I thought about it for a moment.  Just reminding myself that everything was okay might be helpful.  It at least sounded calming, which is what I needed at least 80% of the time. "That does sound appealing.  What other coping skills would you recommend?"

"This falls somewhere between coping and distracting.  I was talking about the self-harm, guilt, and shame cycle a few minutes ago.  That cycle starts with thinking about self-harm.  If we can stop the cycle there it doesn't have time to get going."

"Makes sense.  How do I do that?"  If there was some way of doing that I was all for it.

"Well as strange as it sounds interrupt that thought with the word stop." I just gave her a look that said that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard.  If it was that simple I wouldn't have this problem. "Now, stop giving me that look. This goes along with the I am method.  Once you tell yourself to stop you need to provide your brain with other thoughts.  How we do this is with I am statements.  What you do is narrate what you are doing repeatedly."

"Example?"

"If you were out walking- I am walking. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am looking ahead. I am enjoying the fresh air.  The whole goal is to interrupt your thought process that leads to self-harm and steer your thoughts away from that."

"Okay, I guess it doesn't sound so dumb when you put it like that." Tiffany smiled at that.

"Are there any other coping skills you would like to discuss?"

"I think that seems good for now"  I at least had something to try.

"Looks like we might just knock this out in one session then.  Let's move on to distraction.  What activities do you like to do that you can get lost in?"

"Listening to music, shooting my bow, running, journaling, and drawing."

"That's good.  Whenever you feel like harming yourself try to redirect yourself to one of those things or your coping skills."

"What if distracting options and coping skills aren't enough?"  I wanted them to be enough but I doubted they would be.

"Then that's when you need to ask for help.  You identified four people that you could go to if you were in crisis mode.  The next thing to do would be to go to one of them.  It might be a good idea to tell them at some point they are part of your safety plan.  This way they have a heads up that you might go to them for support.  This also gives them a chance to say they aren't up to that task."

The last sentence gave me pause, "My friends might not help me?"

"It's not that someone wouldn't want to.  It may be that by helping you they are doing harm to their own mental health.  Unless they share you never know what problems someone else is dealing with."  This idea calmed me down and made me feel less rejected.  I wouldn't want to harm someone else to help myself.

"What if everyone is busy or I can't get a hold of anyone?"  This idea was great and all but what if it didn't work?

"That is when you move to emergency options. The first option you could take is IMing your therapist if your therapist is okay with that.  While you are here or in rehab you should go to one of the staff.  I mentioned earlier calling 988 or 911.  Even though those are mortal services they should be able to help you.  Going to an ER is always an option.  While you may feel the most comfortable at New Rome's hospital any hospital would be able to help."

"Um, okay" I wasn't fully comfortable with the emergency options but I could work on getting used to the idea.

"So do you feel like you could use this plan?"

"I think I could," If this is how I was going to get out of here I was going to try.

"Great, that's all for this session"

Safety Plan

Triggers: Stressed, Anxious, Depressed, Feeling Alone, Feeling Useless, Panic Attacks, Grief, Flashbacks, Feeling Overwhelmed, and Shame

Warning Signs: Wanting to Use Drugs

Distracting Options: Music, Shooting my Bow, Running, Journaling, and Drawing

Coping Skills: Five things, deep breathing, stop technique, I am statements, and grounding statements

People: Nico, Jason, Kyle, & Mom

Emergency Options: Therapist, 988, 911, ER

Notes:

Safety plan composition was based off the steps of this website :https://www.charliehealth.com/post/how-to-create-a-self-harm-safety-plan

Chapter 60: Day 22: When Do I get to leave?

Notes:

So happy to see you here again. I wanted to hear from you so an early post. Looking at the state the next chapter is in I doubt I will be posting this weekend.

"So Nico how have you been since yesterday? I know getting through talking about that part of the quest was hard." Dr. Green started with.

"I've been a little shaken up.  I know I did my best but I still feel like I should have done something to stop it."

"Do you feel like you should have done something or wish you could have done something?" He asked pointedly.

I had to think about this for a minute.  I didn't hold back.  I was helpless.  Interfering was something I wished I could do but wasn't able to.

"Wished.  I was stuck there watching, completely powerless to stop it.  I'm used to being able to stop an injustice."  It hurt to admit that I was powerless to stop such horrors.

"Stopping injustice is an admirable thing to do but it isn't always possible."  Dr. Green said kindly and it made me feel a little better.

"I know that. It's just hard to accept."

"Do you want to talk more about this or should we move on to the topic I wanted to cover this session?"

This was the first time that Dr. Green said he had a topic he wanted to discuss, "I'm fine to move on,"

"Okay, yesterday marked two weeks of you being here.  That would normally be when we would talk about if you were ready to be released.  I knew we had more to get through before that would be an appropriate topic.  Yesterday's topic seemed to upset you so I decided yesterday would have been an inappropriate time to discuss your release."

Whatever topic I thought we were going to be talking about, this wasn't it. "Am I being released today?" I asked shocked.

"That is what we need to decide."

"We?  I thought the person who decided when I got out of here was you."

"This needs to be a mutual decision.  If I think you're ready but you don't that is setting you up to fail."  Well I guess that made sense.

"Do you think I'm ready to leave?"  I was a little afraid to hear his judgment.  While my admittance was voluntary it didn't really feel that way and I imagine my release wasn't up to me.

"I think you may meet the minimum criteria for leaving.  You can handle day-to-day emotions.  In your last flashback, you were able to identify what was going on and react accordingly.  You have shown that you might not pose a risk to others or yourself.  You also have a support network outside of here."

I deflated a little, "This doesn't sound like a sure thing that I'm getting out of here today."

"My main concern is your ability to handle flashbacks without violence." Dr. Green said seriously.

"I handled the last one fine," I argued.  Now that the possibility of leaving was on the table I wanted it.

"That you did. The one two days before though..."  I cringed. I did not want to think about that particular panic attack.  The nurse who intervened was still sporting a bruise.  "I think it would be better if you stayed another week."  At that suggestion, I started to feel trapped like I did in the monster house.  I couldn't leave.  My breath started to speed up.  "Nico, calm.  Everything is going to be okay.  Can you tell me what is bothering you?"

"I feel trapped here.  It reminds me of the monster house."  I said not calming down.

"Everything is going to be fine.  You are not in danger here.  What are you supposed to do when you feel your mind getting sucked back into that place without your permission?"

"Grounding statements. I'm not there.  I'm in the psych ward.  Nothing here wants to hurt me.  I will be fine."  I said then took a deep breath.

"How do you feel now?" He asked calmly.

"Better."

"Do you have any questions about staying here for longer?"

"Do I for sure get to leave after a week?"  I needed to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wanted to be done with this place.

"That depends on how this week goes, but I would imagine you will get to leave.  However, we should talk about if you want to continue therapy after you get out of here.  Is that something you would like to do?"

"Do you think I need it?"  I was okay with the idea of therapy but the fact that I needed it bothered me.

"I think you are still dealing with a lot of emotional fallout from the quest.  It could do you good.  I doubt you've seen the last of your flashbacks."

"I'll consider it."  Maybe in a few days, I won't feel so defeated by the idea.

"That seems fair.  So since we jumped right into talking about Cindy we didn't discuss how you felt about the joint session with Will.  How did you think it went?"

"I think it went well.  Eventually, I'll tell him about the quest but I didn't feel comfortable doing such."  I also didn't want to burden Will with that kind of heavy information.

"Have you two talked much since then?"

"No, unfortunately."

"The next time you guys talk you might think about discussing expectations and boundaries for your relationship.  If one of you thinks you're trying to jump back to where you were before the breakup and the other thinks you need to take a step further back you will have problems."

"Is this maybe something we could do in a joint session?  I'm not sure how to have this conversation with Will although it sounds important."  We hadn't had hard conversations lately that went well without help.

"I think that is a good idea since you two are still establishing trust. I'll see if I can set it up with Tiffany."

-----

"Will, Dr. Green let me know that Nico would like to do another joint session with truth balls,"

"I'd hoped we had gotten past that," I said disappointed, "Did he say what he wanted to talk about?"

"Dr. Green indicated that Nico wanted to talk about the expectations and boundaries in your relationship."

"Boundaries? What does that mean?"

"Boundaries are like rules and consequences for yourself.  An example would be I won't be high while in this relationship.  Another type of boundary is setting up rules as to how you will react to something.  An example of that would be if you and Nico started fighting you wouldn't yell.  Understand?"

"I guess.  Is this really something that we need to have a full joint therapy discussion about? I don't like the idea that everything needs to be done with truth balls and a third party."

"While I can't speak for Nico I do have some observations of your joint session that might be useful for you to think about.  You have a tendency to be more honest and open about your feelings with the truth balls.  Nico was very open with what he was prepared to talk about but the more difficult the topic was the less he was able to stay completely transparent.  The truth ball made him have to face the reality of what he felt and be honest about it.  The balls worked on both sides. 

While you bridged the chasm between you two in your joint session, the trust you built is delicate.  Any misunderstanding could through it into chaos.  A good healthy relationship has a lot of trust in it to weather misunderstandings, fights, and mistakes.  If you two decide to have another joint session I would recommend using the truth balls for both of your sakes.  It allows temporarily you to have more confidence in each other's truthfulness and I think that can speed up the rebuilding of trust between you two.

Now as far as having a third party there, we are professionals.  If we see one of you struggling, like Nico did last time, we can step in with a different perspective, and this can lead to a more fruitful discussion."

Even though I was still a little irritated I conceded, "I think I understand what you are trying to say.  I've been convinced to do it."

"Now in preparation for that session is there anything you would like to talk about?"

"You mentioned talking to the people who were part of my safety plan about it and give them the opportunity to say if they could help or not.  Could we use this joint session to talk to Nico about it?"

"I think that would be an excellent idea." She said with a smile.  "While you are here use all the resources and time for your benefit.  Even if it isn't what we conventionally do."

"So how do we talk about it? Do I just say here is a copy of my safety plan?"

"No, we should start by explaining its purpose and what would be helpful for Nico to do if you asked for help.  It also might be good to tell him what would be unhelpful."

"Since we only have a few minutes left would it be okay if we stopped here, and I used the time to think about what I want to talk about with Nico tomorrow?"

"That would be a good idea."

Notes:

So expectations and boundaries? What boundaries do you think they need?

Chapter 61: Day 23: Expectations and Boundaries part 1

"Why did you think we needed to do this in therapy with the truth balls? Do you not trust me?" Even though Tiffany had convinced me this was a good idea some part of me still felt hurt.

"My trust in you is fragile at the moment, but that wasn't why I wanted to do this in therapy.  When Dr. Green mentioned we should talk about expectations and boundaries I thought it was a good idea, but I didn't know how to approach the topic."

"Ok, what expectations do you have?"  I hoped they weren't too much.

"Um... well... I expect that we won't be starting our relationship back where we were before our breakup. I don't want to jump back to spending almost every single day together and sleeping in the same bed. I also don't want to live together either. I think it would be good to go back to dates and schedule time together instead of expecting to always be together. I think we both need to build back some trust and while we are doing that I'd like some space."

"That makes sense. Before my OD we weren't in a healthy place even if you didn't know it at the time.  That was on me, but I think taking a step back for a while would be okay.  How long do you want to do that for, or is it a wait-and-see sort of thing?" While taking more time apart wasn't what I wanted if it was what Nico needed to ease back into our relationship that is what I would do.

"Wait and see what seems right, but definitely through the end of the year."  I could live with this.

"Any other expectations?"  Everything seemed reasonable so far.

"I expect you to be sober, alcohol included. If for some reason you get in trouble with this I expect you to call me."  While a fair expectation the idea of having to call him after a relapse filled me with dread. 

"If for some reason I do break my sobriety I expect you to listen to me instead of jumping to conclusions."  I needed to know that I would be heard instead of last time when Nico made assumptions that weren't true.  

Looking thoughtful he replied, "Okay, I can do that.  On that note while I would never turn you into your probation officer if you slipped, I won't lie for you.  Can you understand?"

"I can see how that would put you in a bind."  Taking a deep breath I continued. "I hope I would never put you in that position. if I did, I don't expect you to cover for me.  My actions, however misguided, are my own, and I should deal with their consequences."

"Given this information are you still okay with telling me if you break your sobriety?" Nico asked nervously.

I had to think about this for a moment.  It would open me up to a possible greater chance of getting caught if I did something wrong, but leaving Nico out would cause long-term relationship problems.  "I'll still tell you.  I don't want to hide things from you"

"Thank you.  I would never intentionally do anything to get you caught."  Nico looked completely sincere.

"Is there anything else?"  I couldn't think of what else there would be.

"No, that's all I can think of,"

"Well, I have some boundaries and expectations." 

"Okay, what are they?"

"I don't know what category this falls into, but I don't want you asking about my sobriety all the time.  If I'm acting strange or there is some real reason you can ask, but I don't want you checking in on me without reason. It might bring up something when I'm trying to take my mind off of it, and it shows a lack of trust." 

"Can I ask how you are doing if your bracelet is orange?  I don't want you to be struggling on your own."

"No.  You can stop me from doing something you deem risky and give my bracelet as a reason.  If we are just sitting there and it is orange I would prefer it not be brought up."

"Can I agree to this on a trial basis?  I don't feel comfortable knowing you're suffering and not being able to ask about it."

"We can revisit it a month after I've been out of rehab.  That is my compromise."  I know he cares, but I needed some space around this.

"On this note, you have to agree to let me stop you or come with you if I think you are about to do something risky.  I don't want to start a fight, because I'm worried about you.  If I think you're in trouble I don't imagine you'll be in the mood to listen to me.  I think it would be better if we established some rules surrounding this beforehand."

"Like what?" I asked.

"If you are leaving and your bracelet is orange I have the right to accompany you to where you are going or send someone with you.  If it still seems like you are a risk to yourself once we get wherever you are going I can stay with you."

"This is going to feel like you don't trust me, which is going to irritate me.  I'm not sure I'm okay with this."  I didn't like the idea of a chaperone. 

Tiffany interjected, "Will, this is going to sound harsh but listen.  If you are being tempted by drugs Nico has every reason to worry about you.  If you knew Nico was severely depressed and going drinking wouldn't you want someone to go with him so he is safe?  It isn't so much about trust, as it is about looking out for you."

It took me a moment of thinking before replying, "Okay, I can see where you are coming from.  I agree to you accompanying me to where I'm going but beyond that, it depends on where I'm going.  If I'm going to an NA meeting or my mom's house you don't need to stay with me.  "

Nico nodded, "I can accept that.  One other thing.  If I have narcotics in my apartment for some reason you can't get offended if I lock them up."

I had never considered that he might be prescribed narcotics for something at some point, and I would be around him.  I knew I could no longer be prescribed them safely, so the idea I could be around them never crossed my mind.  "You wouldn't trust me," I said looking down.

"Will, I know your track record.  When things have gotten bad you have stolen narcotics.  I want to keep your opportunity for temptation low."

"As much as I don't like it that sounds perfectly reasonable," I grumbled crossing my arms.

Tiffany decided this was a time to make a suggestion, "Will, since Nico has some expectations around substance/alcohol use for you.  Do you have any for him? Would you be fine with him drinking?"

"Obviously, don't do any drugs," I said with an eye roll, because it felt ridiculous to even have to state.  Becoming more serious I continued,  "Since you are of legal age and don't have a problem, I don't mind if you drink.  There are some things I want to talk about surrounding this though.  Even though it sounds obvious I don't want you to invite me to a bar or club even if it is just so I feel included or welcomed."

"I wouldn't,"  He said looking serious.

"Good, also if you get drunk I expect you to call someone to drive or walk you home.  Even New Rome isn't 100% safe.  I rather you have someone who is sober with you.  I only want you to call me as a last resort.  While I rather you call me than no one.  I would probably find even going to a bar to pick you up triggering."

"That makes sense.  Do you have any other expectations or boundaries?"

"Yes, if you are having a hard time I don't want you keeping it to yourself.  I want you to tell me."  This was important.  I didn't want this to always be him helping me.

Nico paused thinking looking down ashamed, "Is this because what happened to Hazel?  Are you scared I'll hurt you?"

"Nico, No!" I said quickly to reassure him.  "Just like you want to know if I'm struggling with drugs or cutting so you can help.  I want to be able to help you.  This isn't a one-way street."

"Okay, I can do that."  Nico's ball turned red, and I just merely raised my eyebrows in question.  "Okay," He said exasperated, "I can try.  I'm not used to confiding in anyone minus the occasional therapist when my mental space gets dark."

"Have you been struggling with your mental health before this quest?  I know you've seen a therapist before,"  I didn't like the idea of him suffering alone.

Nico looked like he was struggling to answer.  "Since this whole mess started I've felt off, and things got a bit dark immediately after the break-up.  I haven't talked to anyone besides Jason about it though."

"Can you define a 'bit dark?'  Did something happen?" I ask concerned.

“It’s nothing,” Nico said quickly. The ball immediately turned red.

“What happened?” I asked concerned. 

Nico looked visibly uncomfortable, "Can we please not talk about this?"

"You're scaring me.  What happened?" The more he avoided the topic the more worried I was

Nico snapped, "I had Jason take all of the sharp items out of my room, okay!?"

I was a bit stunned at the sudden outburst.  Why would Nico need that?  Dr. Green seemed to be the person who recovered first from Nico's comment.  He asked calmly, "Why did you ask him to do that?"

Nico looked ready to cry, "Can we please move on?"

I moved my chair over so I could hold his hand. "No, this is serious Nico.  You need to tell us why."  As much as I could relate to not wanting to talk about something this was too serious of a topic to let go of.

Nico took a shaky breath and then mumbled something.

"What was that darling?"  I was trying to be as compassionate as possible because it was clear whatever happened really bothered him.

In a very small voice without looking up, he said, "I wasn't coping.  I grabbed one of my daggers to hurt myself to try to cope.  I stopped before I did anything, and then went to talk to Jason."

The admission was startling.  I would have never thought that Nico would even consider coping like that.  Dr. Green was the next to say something, "Nico, have you done anything like that before or since?"

"No," he said looking down.

"If you feel that way again you have to tell someone even if it isn't me, okay?" I wanted to know he wasn't alone if things got that bad again.

"Okay, now can we move on?" Nico asked desperate to move on from this topic.

"Yes, there is something else we should discuss," Nico raised his eyebrows in question. I didn't know why but I felt nervous bringing it up. "So, Tiffany and I came up with a safety plan for when I'm spiraling and want to harm myself."

"Sorry for the interruption, but what is that?"

Seeing my look of unease Tiffany interjected. "A safety plan is a written plan of what to do when you start to spiral into self-harm thoughts.  It has six parts and Will can discuss that with you."

"Okay, continue," Nico said seriously.

I brought out my journal and turned to the safety plan.  I had a death grip on my journal and was staring at it.  I wasn't comfortable being vulnerable with Nico anymore.  The plan for handling my worst moments felt really personal.  Even though Nico was a part of it I was still uncomfortable and didn't bring my eyes up. "So the first two parts are identifying triggers and warning signs that I might be starting down the path that leads to self-harm.  The idea is to recognize that and try to direct my thoughts somewhere else.  I have distraction techniques to try to redirect my thoughts.  After that, I have coping mechanisms for handling my emotions.  The next part is to identify people I could ask for help.  The last part is emergency options when all else fails."

"Hey, Will, can you look at me?"  Nico said in a gentle voice.  "You don't have to share if you don't want to."  Something about that made me feel better.  I still didn't feel like talking about it but I felt like I could let him read it.

"Can I just have you read it?  Talking about this is hard." I said as I handed my journal over.  I suddenly felt super vulnerable again because Nico was holding the book with my most personal and complex thoughts.  He treated my journal with care and slowly read the page.

"Looking at this I can understand why asking about your sobriety or self-harm for that matter could be a negative thing. Can I ask questions?" He said looking at both me and Tiffany.

"Yes," I answered.

"How do you want me to help? I know when you called when you were at your mother's I didn't know what to do besides be there and make sure you didn't do anything.  Is that what you want?"

"Yes. If I think of things in the future I'll let you know."

Tiffany interjected next, "Will can you think of anything that Nico could do that would be unhelpful if you're struggling or relapse with drugs or cuttings?"

"Telling me you're disappointed in me.  I know relapsing is bad.  I don't need to have it further shoved down my throat."  

"I know I've been harsh before.  I can try to change my reactions.  While I won't leave over a mistake, it's still a major breach of trust.  I can work on being more compassionate about it though.  If I hadn't been so harsh before would you have gone out and gotten drunk and high the night of the car wreck?"

"Probably not.  I didn't feel like you were going to understand what I went through and give me grace about it.  Things felt hopeless.  I started the night in a not-great headspace and because I didn't feel like I had much to lose it was easy to give in.  I'm still responsible for what I did but... I can't find the right words.  I don't blame you for what happened, but I can't deny that your actions did affect my actions that night."

Nico looked saddened. "I'm sorry,"

Something about the apology broke something inside and then it seemed like words were falling out of my mouth without my permission. "There were so many nights after I got high where we were in our dorm room and wanted to tell you; after the first week, after your first quest that semester, after the incident at the bar, and after one of the few therapy visits with Holly.  I just wasn't sure how you would react.”

"That brings up two things for me.  First, did I do something that made you think I wouldn't be supportive?"

"Do you remember your reaction to Tom's arrest for possession?"

"Oh gosh," Nico said looking horrified.

-flashback-

"Did you hear Tom was arrested in class today for drug possession," Nico said as he came into our room.

I knew Tom.  We were friends or at least acquaintances who got high together.  Trying not to show my unease I said, "Do you know what happened?"

"All I know is what everyone else knows.  He was arrested in Greek history class by legion members.   His girlfriend was in the class and was fuming afterward.  I would be too.  The trial is in an hour.  I have to be there as the Ambassador to Pluto to vote on the verdict and sentencing."

It was all I could do to not freak out.  I definitely wasn't telling him now.  Trying to make my voice level I said, "What do you think the outcome will be?"

"Well, there is a range of options depending on details.  The lightest sentence he will be sent to rehab and the arrest will remain on his record but nothing else will be done.  The harshest option is 6 months in jail followed by 2 months in rehab followed by 300 hours of community service."

"What do you think he deserves?" 

"I'm not sure.  Rehab is definitely happening.  While New Rome doesn't have mandatory minimums I can't see him not being sent to rehab.  I don't know about jail or community service.  I'll probably go with what the prosecution recommends."

"Do you think he deserves to go to jail over drug use?"

"Well, it is illegal, so there should be a consequence.  Most likely the lightest sentence will be recommended and I'll go with that.  However, if he doesn't plead guilty and he is, they will throw the book at him"

How in the world could I tell him now?

-end of flashback-

"I can see how you would be reluctant to tell me you relapsed.  I didn't have any understanding of this topic then.  I wasn't compassionate at all.  How long had you been using at that point?"

"Two weeks."

"Ugh, I'm sorry," Nico said throwing his head back in frustration.  

"I understand,"  I said to Nico because it was water under the bridge at this point.

"The second thing I wanted to ask about is what incident at the bar?"

Crap.  I didn't mean to say that, "It's noth-" The words died in my throat as the ball turned red before I could finish the word.

"It's clearly something," Nico said while looking at my red ball slowly turning back to silver.

I never wanted to talk about this.  "Umm... Do I have to talk about this?" I said directing my question to Tiffany nearing tears.

"Since I don't know what you are talking about I can't say it's relevance.  Though I would say whatever it is you seem troubled by it, and it might help to talk about it."

Nico went over to grab my hand, "Will, I don't know what you're hiding but please tell me." He said pleading.  "Whatever it is it's going to be okay,"

"Umm..."

Notes:

I really love this chapter. Thank you for all of the ideas last chapter! They made this one better! Let me know what your thoughts are on this chapter. Did they make good boundaries? Did either party ask for too much? What happened at the bar?

Chapter 62: Day 23: Expectations and Boundaries part 2

Notes:

If you want to read the trigger warning and summary I have included them at the end so there will be no spoilers for those who would just like to read the chapter. This chapter was brutal to write.

I hope you enjoy the early post.

Nico went over to grab my hand, "Will, I don't know what you're hiding but please tell me." He said pleading. "Whatever it is it's going to be okay,"

"Umm... It's not that important." I said while looking down at the red ball calling me a liar.

"Will, whatever it is it's important," Nico said trying to be comforting.

I was having to resist the urge to run out of the room and away from the questions.  All eyes were focused on me.  Nico's hand was the only thing keeping me from bolting.  Looking at everyone else in the room I could see there was no way to get out of this.  I would have to answer the question, despite my internal protest.

"Fine, I'll tell you." Okay I can do this. Breath in. Breath out. I looked at the floor hoping if I didn't have to see their faces I could maybe get through this without crying.  I started, "Please don't think less of me.  I can't properly remember all of it.  What I can remember is fuzzy.  Most of what I know I pieced together from snippets of memories and context clues. This was while you were on gone to Camp Half-Blood on a weekend.  I was hanging out with some people and getting high.  After we were high we decided to go to a bar and get some drinks.  We were celebrating the midterms being over.  This was shortly before I got into debt to Gemma." Ugh, I didn't need to think about that right now.

Everything up until this point was mostly fun as far as my drug use went.  This is the start of everything spiraling out of control.  After I ordered a drink at the bar I don't know exactly what happened.   Eric told me later that everyone else decided to leave the bar, and I decided to stay out. Based on context clues from later it's pretty obvious what happened. Someone drugged my drink." I dared to look up.  Nico's eyes looked like saucers.  It took one look of pity to break me.  Nico wrapped his arm around me as I was starting to cry.  It took a few minutes to lock my emotions back down.  I screwed my eyes shut because if I had to look at anyone while saying this I was going to break.  "I remember... someone talking to me.  Someone helped me walk back to a sorority house and took me to one of the bedrooms." I heard Nico take in a sharp breath.  "The memories I have from the rest of the night I wish I didn't." Almost done just hold it together for one more minute.  "I woke up the next morning on the couch of the sorority house.  I left and went to the student health center and got tested.  I spent the rest of the weekend curled up in bed trying to put myself back together.  I couldn't even begin to process what I was going to do if any of the tests came back positive.  The tests came back clean, so I vowed never to think or talk about this ever again, and I’ve been successful in that till now.  If I ignored it for long enough maybe I could pretend it never happened.  Now can we please never talk about this again?"  At this point I dared to open my eyes.  Nico looked like someone shot cerberus, somewhere between heartbreak and fury.

"Will," Nico said cautiously, "I want to make sure I'm understanding correctly you were drugged and raped, yes?"

I trained my eyes on the floor.  I had done so well at burying this memory. One slip of the tongue and my carefully locked away shame was now known.  Would Nico even want me after hearing this?  When I finally was able to answer Nico's question it came out in a whisper, "Yes," Nico gently turned my face to look at him.

"I'm so sorry that happened," he said as he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug.  At that moment the tears that I had been trying desperately to hold back flooded full force.  Maybe he wouldn't leave?  After I managed to get my crying back under control Nico asked, "Did you report what happened?"

"No, I was afraid if I went to the police they would have found out I was high.  All I would have done is made more trouble for myself.  Also, who would believe a guy getting taken advantage of by a girl?  I never wanted anyone to know what happened, not even you.  That's why I didn't tell anyone.  I briefly considered telling you and coming clean about the drugs, but in the end, the shame of it all was suffocating.  It seemed much easier to try to drown out the pain.  That is why I started getting high so often, and this is why I got into debt with Gemma.”

Tiffany decided this was a good time to step in, "Will, there is nothing to be ashamed of.  Nothing bad that happened was your fault."

"I keep trying to convince myself of that, but I can't." I wanted to believe it but couldn't.  I was high and inattentive to my drink.  How was it not my fault?

"Will it really isn't. Someone drugging you against your will and taking advantage of you is never your fault.  Do you know who did it?" Nico asked calmly.  I could see fury that was barely under the surface.

"Yes, Nikki Smith.  She used to flirt with me and was baffled at how I could be with a man when she was an option.  I guess she couldn't stand being told no."  Maybe if I had let her down gently none of this would have happened?

"You could still report her.  She shouldn't get away with this." Nico said looking furious.

"No, I don't want this in court records.  Even if she plead guilty there would still be a sentencing trial where I would be likely asked to testify."  I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry about this.

"Will, it's fine if this doesn't change your mind, but there are ways where the victims of crimes identities can be kept secret.  The courts realize how hard it is for victims of abuse and assault to come forward." Dr. Green said compassionately.

"It doesn't change my mind." I would have prefered to take this secret to the grave.  I wasn't going to get the courts involved.

"In case you change your mind you have 5 years to report it."  Tiffany added.

"Okay," I wouldn't change my mind.

At this point Nico seemed to get his fury back under control, "Will, was this why you started shying away from physical affection?" Nico asked with a look of understanding.

"Yeah," I said feeling uncomfortable.  Would Nico be mad?

"I thought it was my fault.  That I made you uncomfortable or something." He seemed relieved that it wasn't something he did.

"No, it's just a little triggering"  That brought back the look of worry Nico had momentarily dropped.

"Okay, we can go at your pace, whatever you're comfortable with." He said with care.

"Are you mad?" I asked timidly.

Nico looked shocked, "Why would I be mad?"

"Because... well... I don't want..." I couldn't get any words to come out.

"Do you think I would be mad about stepping back in our physical relationship?" Nico asked gently.

"I was worried."  I said.

Nico looked horrified, "Did I ever do anything that would make you think I would be mad about that?  If so I'm so sorry.  People who do that are awful and don't deserve to be in relationships."

"You didn't do anything.  This whole thing had made me feel rather insecure." I said nervously.

"I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." Nico said as he grabbed my hand.

"Okay, I'm not up to talking about this anymore.  Nico, did you have anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"No,"

"Then let's be done." I said needing this conversation to be over with.

-----

Nico's POV:

While Will was okay with letting Nikki go without punishment, I wasn't.  I went to sleep hoping to see my dad, and was happy to find he was there.

"Nico, you said you had a matter to discuss with me," Hades said nonchalantly.

"Someone hurt Will and I want to make sure they suffer at least in the afterlife," I said after bowing.

Hades raised his eyebrows at this, "This wouldn't be the first person who has caused Will harm.  I'm surprised you didn't ask for his dealer's boyfriend to be punished since he pulled the strings.   What makes this person more deserving than him of your and my wrath?"

"I don't want anyone else to be informed of this because Will would probably have my head if it came to light.  That's why I'm not reporting the crime myself, but your a God and can find out what happened I'm sure.  I'll tell you to save you the trouble.  Nikki Smith raped Will."  Hades looked startled. "She may have been the one to drug him.  I'm not sure on this.  It's taking a good bit of my self control to not go and deliver her to your realm immediately."

"I'll look into this.  If I can confirm what you say is true she will suffer.  Is there anything else you wanted to discuss?"

"No, that's all."

"How are you doing in the psych ward?  I saw what happened with Hazel."

I could only stare at the floor in shame. "It was an accident.  I think I'm getting better.  The last quest was traumatic."

"If there is ever anything you want to discuss I'm here for you."

"Thanks," I said as the dream broke up.

Notes:

TW: sexual assault
Summary: Will was assaulted after being drugged at a bar. He blamed himself and didn't report it. Nico comforts him. Nico has a discussion with Hades about having Nikki (his rapist) punished in the afterlife.

Something I want to note: Will blaming himself is his warped view not mine.

So that was a super heavy chapter that needed a few rewrites to hopefully land where I wanted it. So how did I do? Did I make you feel things?

Chapter 63: Day 24 & 25: My ticket out of here

Notes:

I'm particularly happy with this chapter.

Going into Tiffany's I was dreading talking today.  After yesterday I couldn't imagine this conversation being easy.

"Will, take a seat" Tiffany said as she gestured to the chair.  "I want to discuss yesterday's joint session.  How do you feel about the boundaries that were set?"

Okay this I could talk about, "I felt like things went well, and we have set boundaries that will help."

"Good, I'm glad you feel that way.  What I really want to discuss is the assault."

"No," I said quickly.  "I want it buried in the back of my mind where I left it, and I can't do that if people insist on discussing it."

"Will leaving something that traumatic undelt with can lead to problems.  You already said that it made you want to get high more often, so you got in debt to your dealer.  Nothing remains buried forever.  I don't want your mind to finally decide enough is enough and bring this back to you as intrusive thoughts or flashbacks.  They could be easy triggers for self-harm and drugs."  Tiffany said concerned.

"I'll be fine," I said.

"You are far from the first client I have had who would prefer to pretend this never happened.  In the end, they all end up back in my office." She looked sad.

"Why?" If it was inevitable that I couldn't bury this I want to know what the alternatives were to talking about this.

"Some started having nightmares, flashbacks, problems with physical affection," I noticed I had that issue. "and inability to go to places that remind them of the assault to name a few.  Based on your talk with Nico you already have problems with affection.  Do you have nightmares or flashbacks?"

"Not if I'm high enough," I mumbled.

Tiffany smirked, "That's not an option.  So would you like to start dealing with this or would you prefer to needlessly suffer?"

"I'm fine," I said shakily.

"You're not, but I can't force you if you're not ready.  Maybe this is something you can work on with Travis if you can't face it here."

--Next Day--

I was sitting in Dr. Green's office again.  Nico had requested another joint session. He walked in looking nervous.

"Nico, what is this about?  I thought we covered everything the day before yesterday." Although the part of that discussion made me feel super vulnerable I thought all in all things went well.  We were working on creating a framework for our relationship to be built on.

Nico was fiddling with his hands clearly upset, "Will there is no easy way of putting this.  We need to end things."

I felt like someone shot me, I couldn't comprehend that this was happening again.  Nico said he was in this, and then he turned around and did this.

"Why?" I said once I recovered from the shock.

"You know why," Nico said staring at the ground.

Getting mad I replied, "Spell it out because I really don't know."

"You started using again and failed your drug test.  You didn't tell me! You fucking lied again!  I had to hear it from Hazel." Nico looked away before continuing, "Someone will be here to take you to jail soon."

"Nico, I didn't use drugs."  I was innocent for once, and desperate for him to believe me.

Nico sighed, "Give it up Will.  You failed a drug test.  How did you even get drugs in here?"

"I didn't! I swear!"  I was close to tears at this point.  I knew I was on thin ice but to not even be heard when I was telling the truth was crushing.

Suddenly Hazel was at the door. "Will, I'm sorry but I'm just doing my job."

"This is a mistake!" I was having a panic attack.

Then I woke up to my alarm.  I was drenched with sweat and my panic attack in my dream was continuing into real life.  Even though I knew it wasn't real I felt devastated.  It felt like I got a glimpse into my future and was scared.  If I used would I for sure be caught?  Would that be the end of Nico and I?  What would my dad say?  What would my mom say? 

I felt precariously on the edge of what I could handle.  I wanted an out, some way of drowning out the feeling of fear and devastation.  I couldn't think clearly enough to formulate a plan for drugs.  This time I knew my nails weren't going to cut it for a coping mechanism.  I needed something sharp.  I searched my room for anything.  After 10 minutes I found there was a sharp spring that had worn a small hole through the mattress.  Bending the metal of the spring back and forth it finally fatigued enough to break off.  I had a small but very sharp piece of metal.  I had achieved my goal.  A quiet mind was just a few seconds away.

Just moving the spring to my wrist I was already getting relief.  I knew as soon as I drew blood I would be okay.  With the broken spring at my wrist, I paused somehow having one clear thought.  I wanted out of here.  This was a surefire way of making sure I stayed.  With great difficulty, I moved the spring away from my wrist.  The panic attack, that had started to go away with the promise of release, came back in full force.  I was breathing hard and not sure how long I could hold off the urge.  My mind felt cloudy.  I tried to push through and think of anything to do to help. 

I remembered I had a safety plan for this very reason.  I was well past identifying warning signs, and having my triggers identified at this point did little to help me.  I didn't have music, my bow, space to run, or a steady enough hand to write.  That threw out my distracting options.  I tried running through all of the coping skills.  That managed to get my breathing under control.  To be honest with myself I was far from out of the woods.  I was going to give in.  It was just a matter of how long my desire to get out of here outweighed my desire for some peace.  I could feel the scales rapidly shifting.  If there was anything I could do to save myself I needed to do it now.  The only two options my safety plan had left were asking one of my support people for help and emergency options.  With my last grain of resolve, I got up from my bed, with my journal and spring in a death grip, and walked out the door of my room. 

The next thing I registered was I was in Tiffany's office.

"Will, our session isn't for a while.  Is something wrong?" She said as she looked up from her papers.

"Yes," I managed to say with a shaky voice.

"Please sit," she said as she gestured to the chair across from her.  She was giving me her undivided attention.  "What is going on?"  After seeing my hesitation she continued, "Take your time."  After a minute I managed to set the broken spring on her desk.  I couldn't bring my eyes off the floor.  Even though I didn't do anything I felt shame that I got so close. "What is this?" Tiffany said with a concerned look.

"I broke off a piece of the spring sticking out of the bottom of the mattress."  I didn't bring my eyes up from my hands.

"Thank you for giving me this.  Give me one moment to make a call about getting your mattress replaced."  Tiffany made the call and I spaced out. "Now, did you hurt yourself before coming to me?"

Looking up I said, "No,"

A smile broke out on Tiffany's face. "I'm proud of you.  I'm guessing you wanted or want to hurt yourself?"

"Yes,"

"Can you tell me what happened?"  I worked on recounting the events of the morning up until before searching for something to use for cutting.  I knew I shouldn't have done that and wasn't feeling too good about it.

"When did you get the spring?"

"After I spent 10 minutes searching for anything sharp," I mumbled out.

"What happened next?" She asked kindly.

"I almost cut into my wrist."

"Why did you stop?"

"I want to get out of here.  I'm not setting back my recovery over a nightmare.  So, I got out my safety plan and went through my options, and the only viable option was going to you or one of the other staff members."  Tiffany broke out in a smile.

"I'm proud of you.  Do you feel better now?"

"Mostly," I was starting to finally calm down.

"Do you want to talk about it or do you want to just have some company till group?"

"Company would be nice."

-----

I entered back into Tiffany's office after group.  I wasn't sure what we were going to talk about after my near-miss earlier.

"So, what are we covering today?"

Tiffany broke out in a large grin, "I would like to talk to you about checking out of here."

"What?!" I said dumbfounded.

"On a few conditions, and only if you feel comfortable doing so.  You have already been here for two weeks.  I didn't bring up reevaluating your situation before because I didn't think you were ready."

"What changed your mind?" I said curiously.

"Instead of relapsing this morning when you had reason to you decided to use your safety plan.  That shows real improvement and a dedication to change.  While I know you need to work through the assault you aren't ready, and I don't see a point in keeping you here till you are.  Now I know you used your plan this morning but are you comfortable if you had to use it again?"

"Comfortable? I guess.  Asking for help is uncomfortable but I can do it."

"That's good enough for me.  That was the first condition for my recommendation for you to be released.  The second condition is that you are released to rehab, not home.  I still think you have a lot going on and would benefit from being surrounded by professionals.  I wouldn't be comfortable sending you home knowing your drug history without you having the tools to deal with that, especially after learning about the assault.  I also want you in a place where help is readily available if you need extra support.  Now I do have two more questions for you.  Do you still feel suicidal in any capacity?  Do you still have plans of hurting yourself in the future?"

"No, and no.  I want to get better."

"Do you feel like you are safe enough to leave and go to rehab?"

"Yes,"  This morning was proof enough that I could resist the urge to cut, and I could ask for help.

"Then go pack up.  I'll put in the paperwork for your transfer.  You should be out of here within the hour."

"Thanks,"

-----

"Happy to see you back.  Did the psych ward help?"  Travis said while taking me back to the general intake room.

"Yeah, it did," Gosh going back to rehab was depressing.

"Glad to hear it.  You were in rough shape when you left.  Now technically you are a readmit, so I need to go through the whole intake process with you again."

Tilting my head back in frustration I groaned.  Travis went through the intake questions again.  By the time we got to the end of the questions it settled in that I was being checked into a facility again and I panicked.  I couldn't catch my breath.

"Will, what's going on?"  Travis asked concerned.

"I'm feeling trapped, overwhelmed, and panicked about being checked in someplace again.  I'm craving drugs again, and half of those things are triggers and warnings on my safety plan for cutting.  I can't do this.  I've spent the last two months in rehab and the psyche ward.  I can't do this.  I'm done." I said freaking out.

"Okay let's calm down," Travis said patiently.  Then there was a knock on the door as it opened. "Dad?" Travis said confused.

"Dad?" I said surprised.  I hadn't seen him in person since this whole mess started.

"Travis, can I talk to Will?"  Apollo asked.

"Of course.  I'll step outside."

"Dad, what are you doing here?" I asked confused.

"I saw you were freaking out and came to help."  That was oddly attentive of him.

"I can't do this again.  I don't want to be locked away again, and have my freedom stripped."  I said not able to breathe properly.  Dad put his hand on my shoulder and suddenly I felt more calm. "What was that?" 

"Just a touch of healing magic for the panic attack.  I figured we would be able to talk better if you weren't panicking."

"Thanks for that.  I'm still leaving.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm sick of being forced to talk about things I rather leave buried."  Dad didn't look disappointed, but he did look sad.

"Will, we both know if you go out that door you are probably going to get high.  You could hurt yourself or someone else.  What happened?  You were fine a few hours ago?"

"Last time I had to check in here I was too depressed to care.  This time it's hitting like a ton of bricks.  I'll figure out how to take care of myself.  I don't need rehab."  I wasn't going to stay here.

Apollo lost some of his composure, "Yes, you do, and you are going to stay here and get the help you need."

"No, I'm not.  I'm an adult.  I'm not court-ordered.  I'm leaving." I said standing up.

Apollo pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.  "First, one of the stipulations for your release from the psych ward was coming to rehab.  I'm pretty sure I could force a recommit if you are set on not going to rehab.  Second, Will, you are not well.  I'm the god of healing, and I can tell.  You still need help.  If you don't accept it willingly, I will make you."

"How!?" I said raising my voice.  I was so over this. "I'm not a minor anymore.  You can't make me do anything!"

"Damn, I didn't want it to come to this, but I'm not going to let you ruin your life or kill yourself."  Apollo took a deep breath before continuing. "I'll have the court deem you mentally unfit and assign me as your guardian."

"What," I said not believing what I was hearing.

"You are mentally unwell Will.  It was just this morning you came so close to really injuring yourself.  Do you know how scared I was watching you with that piece of metal on your wrist and not being able to stop you?  I can tell you are not mentally stable at the moment.  I wasn't too worried after you asked for help because you were still doing what was in your best interest.  If that has changed I'll challenge in court that you are mentally impaired and need a temporary guardian.  Then I'll force you here.  New Rome considers addiction to be something that can temporarily mentally impair someone.  They will grant the temporary guardianship."

I just stared at him dumbfounded.  This wasn't happening.  "You can't do that.  That could screw up my future."  I said frustrated.

"So, now you are thinking about your future?  If you go out and get high and get caught your second chance is all over."

"I won't get high.  I'll be fine." I mumbled.

Apollo formed a rainbow with a little bit of sunlight.  "If you're so sure call Nico and tell him you're not going to rehab."

I dropped my eyes.  Everything about last night's nightmare went through my brain at lightning speed. "I can't," I said in a small voice.

"It's that, lie to him, or stay," Apollo said matter-of-factly.

"You're serious about taking me to court and challenging for guardianship if I don't check myself in?" I said with a challenging glare.

"I swear on the River Styx."  I heard thunder boom in the distance.

The fight left me, and I sat back down in my chair.  I was stuck here.  I started crying.  The frustration immediately left dad as he kneeled to my level.  "Now tell me what's going on, calmly."

"I'm... so... sick of... being broken.  I just... want to pretend everything... is... okay,"

"Will, you're not broken."

"Then why am I stuck here!" I snapped before going back to crying.

Apollo took a seat.  "You know the answer to that question is complicated and has nothing to do with you being broken.  You have PTSD and depression and developed some very dangerous habits to deal with that.  That doesn't make you any less of a person.  There is also no reason you can't have a healthy, happy, normal demigod life with some work.  You just have to push through this."

"I'm tired," I said starting to stop crying.

"I know.  Recovering is a long exhausting process, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it."

"I'm sober.  Why do I have to stay?" I said desperate. 

"Because your current sobriety has been forced on you.  I don't think you have the skills to stay sober left on your own.  That's what you need to work on here in a safe environment away from temptation.  This is only temporary."

"Dad, I first checked into rehab at the end of August.  It's going to be nearly Thanksgiving when I get out of here, and that's only if they count the days spent in the psych ward towards the 60 days I was to be here a second time.  If I have to stay locked up in this hospital for another day I'm going to lose it." I said panicked.

"Take a deep breath. Breathe."  After a few minutes, I calmed down out of my panic. "One day at a time isn't just a saying.  This is just to get you fully back on your feet.  You need this."

"Fine, since it doesn't seem like I'm going to have a choice in the matter I guess I'm staying."

"I'm not going to force you to talk about being assaulted, but I'm always here if you want to talk about it," Apollo said gently

"I don't,"  Why did everyone have to know?

"I know.  It's just one of the things contributing to your less-than-stellar mental status.  It's okay to ask for help.  I love you, but I have to go.  I'm keeping an eye on you so don't do something like try to check out early."

"I won't. I love you too."

Notes:

Let me know what you thought of the chapter!

Chapter 64: Day 25: Nico on his own

Notes:

Happy Halloween!

It was a rough day.  I had two flashbacks that morning and everything was just feeling off.  Will had left for rehab a few hours ago and while I was happy for him, I was sad for me.  It was hard being separated so shortly after patching things up.  The nightmares about Tom and Ashley’s fate wasn’t helping anything, and I was struggling to cope.

When I entered my room I was so done.  What I found wasn’t what I expected.  Alexie with a razor blade cutting into his thigh.  This was not what I needed right now. 

“Please don’t tell,” Alexie begged.

“My boyfriend has had a cutting problem for years.  I know helping you cover this up is a bad idea.  I’m getting Dr. Adams.” I said being done with this conversation.

“Snitch,” I heard Alexie sneer as I left.

Getting myself involved wasn’t something I wanted to do.  I didn’t have the mental energy for this.  I knocked on Dr. Adams’ door anyway.

“Nico, come in.  Give me one moment.”  He said, not looking at me much before returning to his paperwork.

“Sorry, this is time-sensitive,”  I said not wanting to have to be here longer than I had to.  Dr. Adams stopped looking at his paperwork immediately.  Then looked at me inquisitively.

“Are you all right?  Pardon the insult, but you look awful.” Well, that tracks. I feel awful.

“Never mind that.  Alexie is in our room with a razor blade cutting.” 

Dr. Adams was up in a snap headed to the door.  As he was leaving he said, “I want to see you after I finish with Alexie.”

I decided to follow Dr. Adams back towards my room.  I figured once he was done he would find me.  As I was entering in the room Alexie and Dr. Adams were leaving.  Alexie gave me a harsh glare.  It took about 20 minutes for Dr. Adams to come back and find me. 

“Nico, can you come to the exam room?” I wasn't sure what this was about, but Dr. Adams was one of the people I trusted here.

“Sure,”  I then followed him back to the room used for anything remotely medical.  It looked like a typical doctor’s office room.

“Have a seat.”

“What is this about?”  I just wanted whatever this was to be over.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said you look awful.  Are you sleeping okay?”  He asked concerned.

“Not really.”

“Can’t fall asleep? Can’t stay asleep?”

“I keep waking up with nightmares.”  Dr. Adams wrote something down.

“Have you been able to eat like normal?  You look like you’ve lost weight.”

“I haven’t felt much like eating.”  Food had lost all appeal.

“Okay.  Were you feeling like this when you got here?”  He said, concerns evident.

“Not to the same extent.  The lack of appetite is new and the nightmares are worse.”

“Hmm, I want to get some blood work and a quick physical to see if there is a physical cause to this.”

“Is this going to take long? I’m really tired.” He wrote something else down.

“Nope. Give me just a few minutes.”  After a blood draw, weight check, and a few other things we were done.  “One last thing Nico, can you fill this out for me.” He said as he handed over a sheet.

I quickly read through the sheet.  “Why are you giving me a depression screening?”  I recognized the general idea of the sheet pretty quickly.  I had seen the ones at Camp when I was helping Will organize and file papers.

“I’m familiar with the files of all of the patients here and yours doesn’t indicate you have depression or depressive episodes.  You are showing some classic signs of depression, and if I asked you more questions I imagine I would find more.  I just want to see if something has been missed.”

“If I was depressed shouldn’t Dr. Green have figured that out by now?” I said irritated.  I wasn’t depressed.  I was just having a hard time.

“Dr. Green diagnosed you with PTSD.  Depression can very often go with PTSD.  While psychiatry isn’t my specialty, I can recognize warning signs.  Please just humor me and fill out the form.”

“Fine,” I said irritated.  I quickly filled out the form and handed it back to Dr. Adams.

“I’ll hand this off to Dr. Green to review with you.  If anything is out of the ordinary on your blood work I’ll let you know, otherwise assume everything is fine.”

“Thanks,” I said to be polite as I left.  There were about 30 mins till my next session with Dr. Green, and I couldn’t be dreading it more.  After the nightmares and flashbacks, I didn’t feel like dealing with my trauma today.  I went into my room to be met with Alexie, who wasn’t pleased to see me.

“Did you have to tell on me?  My cutting is under control.  I shouldn’t even be here.”  He said frustrated.

I had enough of this day and snapped, “You know what my boyfriend thought the same thing until his sister self-harmed once.  It was only then that he could get the outside perspective he needed to quit.  I’ve seen him in danger of dying before because of his cutting.  You're not in control.  If I asked you to stop I don’t think you could without help.  Stop telling yourself you're fine because you're not!”

Alexie gave me an inquisitive look and then said, “I’ll consider it.  Are you okay?  I’ve never seen you lose it on someone.”

“It’s just a bad day,” I said as I crashed on my bed.

-------

“Hello Nico, have a seat.  I want to start by talking to you about the depression screening Dr. Adams gave you.”

“What of it?”

“You scored an 11 out of 27.  Higher the number the worse things are.  Your score and answers point to a somewhat mild depression that shouldn’t be overlooked.  What concerns me the most is that the things you are having trouble with sleep, eating, and having a negative self-image you are struggling with every day.”

“I can’t have depression.” 

Dr. Green gave me an odd look, “Why not?  You know it’s not a moral failing, right?”

“Of course, I know it isn’t a moral failing.  Will has PTSD and depression and turned to drugs and cutting.  I can’t be dealing with the same diagnosis.”  I started losing my breath and the corners of my vision were blackening.

“Nico, you're having a panic attack.  You're safe here.  Imagine your safe place.”  Slowly I managed to catch my breath and my vision returned to normal. “Just because you have the same diagnosis doesn’t mean you have to deal with it the same way.  From what you have told me your circumstances couldn’t be more different than Will’s when he started using and cutting.  You're much older and have developed coping skills to help when you get upset.  You are also aware of the nature of the problem and are receiving help instead of trying to handle it all on your own.  I’d bet good money that you are going to be fine.”

“Okay, that makes me feel the tiniest bit better.”  I didn't feel doomed anymore.

------

“Hey, how are you doing?” Will said as his face shined in the IM.

“Did someone call?”

Will looked worried at this. “No, should someone have?”

“No, I just had a hard day.  Dr. Green diagnosed me with mild depression today.  I didn’t take that well.”

“I’m sorry you're going through that,” Will said sympathetically.  “I know how tough depression can get.  Promise me you’ll ask for help if you get in over your head.” In a much smaller whisper, I heard him mutter, “So you won’t end up like me.”  The sentence made my heart break a little.

“Will, I’ll be fine,” I said trying to reassure him that all would be well even if I didn’t feel like it.

“That attitude is what screwed me over in the first place.  Promise.” Will said seriously.

“Fine, I promise to ask for help if I need it.”

“That’s all I can ask,” Will said with a smile.

“How was the first day out of here?"

Will scratched the back of his neck before saying, "I got in a fight with my dad."

"Apollo was there?  What did you fight about?"

Will looked visibly uncomfortable. "I wanted to skip going to rehab."

I took a breath and remembered that responding with disappointment wasn't helpful. "I guess I should have stated one of my expectations was that you would finish rehab." I tried to joke.

"I know.  Dad threatened to get the court involved and have me deemed mentally unfit, so he could force me to go to rehab.  He swore that he would if I didn't check myself in."

That was a major threat for Apollo to make.  "Are you okay?"

"Um...," I could see him trying to hold back tears. "I know I have to be here, but I'm so tired of having my freedom striped.  Having choices made for me reminds me of ..."

"I'm so sorry honey" I knew Will wouldn't talk about the assault but even alluding to it was a step in the right direction I think. "I can relate to being stuck somewhere you don't want to be.  I was told today that I have to stay longer here."

"I'm sorry.  That bites."  Will said drying his eyes.

"Yeah," I wasn't thrilled, "So tell me about the rest of your day,"

"Since I got here so late in the day I only had group.  It wasn't too bad.  I sure didn't miss the mandatory sharing." The last sentence said mainly to himself.  "This is actually the reason I called.  We were told to make a list of the people we hurt with our addiction and who we wanted to make things right with.  You're probably the person I hurt the most.  I know we are back together and have been building back what I broke, but is everything now okay between us?  I know you said you were having a hard time forgiving the lying.  Is there anything I can do to help?"

Will was trying so hard.  He was completely sincere about making things right.  How could I not forgive him? "You're forgiven.  Everything is okay." 

"Thank you.  That has weighed a lot on my mind."  Will look so relieved

"I'm glad I could set your mind at ease then."  At least I could make one thing in the world better.

"We both need sleep so I'm going to get going."

"Alright, good night.  Love you."

"Love you too."

Notes:

Please comment your thoughts and ideas! I have a mild case of writer's block and your comments help!

Chapter 65: Day 26: Therapy with Travis

Notes:

Thank you everyone for the awesome suggestions if you have any more I would love to hear them!

"So Will how are you adjusting to being back? I overheard the yelling match between you and Apollo."

Now that I was back with Travis I remembered how tough brutally honest therapy was.  Letting out a breath I started, "I don't want to be here.  Dad will take me to court if I don't stay and Nico would be disappointed."

"Why don't you want to be here?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm sick of staying in a hospital!  I've had my freedom stripped."

"If you had that freedom what would you do with it?"

I had to think about this for a minute.  What did I really want to do? "Find an apartment or go to my mom's.  Beyond that, I don't know but it has to be better than here."

"I can understand that feeling. Let's make a plan to get you out of here." Travis said sincerely.

"Really?" I said surprised. 

"Well, I don't want to keep you here longer than necessary.  As far as time by my count you have 34 more days here.  Unless we get to the end and I really think you aren't ready I think counting the time you spent in the psych ward towards the 60 days you were planning on staying here is fair.  You did a lot of work during that time to get yourself back up and running.  I think we should make a list of goals for you to complete before leaving here.  That way you have something concrete to look at."

"What if I complete the goals early?" I asked hoping to get out of here.

"If you complete the goals early and if I think you are ready we could see about checking you out early."  

"Are you serious?" I was shocked.

"Put in the work and get out of here," Travis said with a smile.

"So goals?" I asked happy that I could get my freedom back.

"First, Tiffany's notes listed that you would like to work on a plan for when you are spiraling into wanting drugs.  Second, I want you to have a plan for what to do with your life when you get out of here.  A very concrete plan- where to live, where to work, and how your life is going to be different than what it was before.  Third, I want your emotions much more stable.  I disagree with Tiffany's assessment that you should have been released from the psych ward.  Yesterday your emotions were all over the place and didn't fill me with a sense of confidence that you would act in your own best interest.  Since you were no longer suicidal and didn't have intentions of harming yourself in the future ment you met the minimum threshold for release.  I want to have confidence when you leave here that you can handle daily life with minor ups and downs without having to self-medicate.  Most importantly I want you to be very comfortable with all of this-comfortable asking for help, comfortable going to a NA meeting, comfortable admitting when things are getting to be too much.

"Okay since I'm eager to get out of here where should we start?" I said happy to see an end in sight.

"How about with a plan for when you want drugs?"

I sighed, "Seems as good a place as any."

"What triggers do you have that make you want to use?"

"That would be all the triggers in my safety plan,"  I didn't want to rehash things I'd already done.

"Okay, what are they?" Travis said trying to cut through my irritation

I got out my journal and read, "Being stressed, anxious, depressed, feeling alone, feeling useless, panic attacks, grief, flashbacks, feeling overwhelmed, and shame."

"I get those could all be triggers but I want to focus specifically on the one that makes you feel like you want to use.  Do all of those make you want to use?"  Travis asked trying to get me to work on the problem.

I paused to review the times I had gotten high and why to see if I could find some patterns.  Since I was doing this work I should do it right, "I guess I find being stressed a big trigger.  I also find being anxious, having panic attacks, having flashbacks, and nightmares pretty decent triggers."

"Many addicts find besides emotions there are people, places, things, or activities they find triggering.  Can you think of any place or activity that has caused you a problem before?"

What immediately jumped to mind was when I got high with Eric.  Just thinking about the memory made me upset and want something, "When I got high with Eric, I was drinking before I did drugs, and I was in a bar.  Just thinking about that whole ordeal makes me want an escape."

"Okay, was Eric also high?" Travis asked.  He knew the general idea of what happened, but I never went into the specifics.  It just hurt too much at the time.

"Yes," I said trying not to fall into the memory.

"Did you find him being high made it easier for you to get high?"

"Ugh?"  I didn't quite understand the question.

"Did you find that being with someone who was using made it easier for you to give in to getting high?"

"Yeah, it felt somehow socially acceptable," I admitted reluctantly shrinking in on myself.

Travis looked compassionate, "Will, a lot of addicts would have found that situation impossible.  It isn't just you.  Let's write out your triggers.  Writing helps us remember things better."

"Is this just another safety plan?"  I didn't want to do the same thing twice.

"No, we are going somewhere I promise,"

"Let's start by identifying things that have helped you in the past and some ways we can mitigate your triggers.  Can you think of any time you wanted drugs and was able to resist?"

"Once during the semester, I got so busy I forgot that I was craving drugs. After rehab when it got really bad I was going to cut then called Nico at the last minute.  When I was 12 after white-knuckling it for a few days I found cutting helped."

"We both know cutting isn't a real solution," Travis said with a smirk.  "But you identified being busy and reaching out to someone as ways to help you when you are craving.  Another thing we could do is modify your life to try to eliminate or reduce triggers.  Given your triggers what could you do that would reduce temptations?"

I took a minute to think but the answers seemed obvious, "Don't go to bars, don't drink, and stay away from people who are getting high."

Travis looked thoughtful, "Expanding on staying away from people who are high, do you think you should stay away from the people you were hanging out with while you were high?"

As sad as that made me it seemed like a good decision, "Yes,"

"Are these things you think would be beneficial and you could do?  Could you set those boundaries for yourself and be successful?" Travis asked pointedly.

"Yeah, I think those would be good."  Having a plan for how to deal with my addiction going forward was already making me feel more hopeful.

"Write those down under boundaries.  Also, write being busy and reaching out to people under things that help.  What are some things you could do to reduce your stress and anxiety?"

"I have no idea.  I'll be a pre-med student again once next semester starts.  I don't see that being stress-free." I frankly see it getting harder.

"What about taking less classes?" Travis asked seriously.

The idea sent me into a tailspin and panic. "I'm already going to be trying to catch up with classes as it is.  I can't take a lighter semester or I'll graduate even further behind."  Were we planning on nuking my future?

"Slow down, what about planning on graduating later?  You need to be able to manage your stress levels if you plan on being able to stay sober. I'm not saying that you would need to make every semester lighter, but you might want to consider taking a minimum course load for your first semester back.  There is no point in pressuring yourself so much that you start using again.  You lost last summer semester and this fall semester to drugs.  Don't try to overwork yourself and relapse and end up in jail."

Ugh, why did he have a point, "As much I hate to admit it you have a point."  Putting limitations on my life was disheartening.

"The next thing we need to work on is identifying proactive things you can do to curb your temptation for drugs."

"NA meetings?"  It was the only thing I could think of.

"That is a great idea.  I'll make sure you have a list of meetings in New Rome when you leave here.  How often do you want to plan on going to them outside of when you are actively struggling?

"Does once a week sound reasonable?"

"That depends on how you are doing.  If it isn't coming up in your daily life at all I think that would be fine but I think you would do better to try to attend meetings twice a week.  It's what I normally recommend for the first six months when someone gets out of here."

"Okay, I can do that,"

"This is a great start.  We may talk on and off about this going forward."

"Alright, that seems okay,"

Triggers: Stress, Anxious, Panic Attacks, Flashbacks, Nightmares, Bars, Drinking, Other people being high

Things that help: Reaching out to people & Being Busy

Boundaries: Don't go to bars, Don't drink, and Stay away from people I used to get high with.

Action Plan: 12 hours of classes, NA meeting 2x a week

 

Notes:

Let me know your thoughts.

Chapter 66: Day 28: Visit with Hazel

Notes:

Thanks YemoBalls for the notes

It was visiting hours and I wasn’t expecting anyone to come.  I’m sure everyone was buys with their own lives.  This made me even more surprised when I saw Hazel.  “Hazel!” I said as I squished her in a hug.  “I figured that you would have been too busy to visit,”

“You’re my brother.  You’re more important that praetor duties.  Frank wishes he could have visited with me but he got buried in paperwork again.  I haven’t talked to you since Will’s arrest.  Bravo by the way on getting the senate to accept that sentence, with Robertson’s being just as dedicated to ridding New Rome of drugs as Missy I didn’t think you would have been able to win him over.”

“Once I couldn’t get the prosecution to drop the case, I researched all of the senators I didn’t know well or didn’t owe me favors.  Do you know why he is so passionate?”

“No,”

“His son was an addict who didn’t recover.  There were a lot of reasons for that, but I think his short stay in jail made things worse.   I honestly think he has a soft spot for addicts trying to get their act together.”

“But he normally tries to throw the book at dealers and must be calmed down into accepting the prosecution’s suggestion.  Will was on trial for dealing not possession.”

“That’s why I reminded the senate that Will was just as much a victim as he was a perpetrator.”

“How many favors did you cash in?

“Fifteen,” I had even more favors I was willing to use but didn't need to.

“How is that even legal?!” Hazel exclaimed in astonishment.

“As corrupt as it sounds there are very few guidelines as to how the senate can come to their sentencing choice.  If you are unfairly biased against the defendant the defense attorney can ask that the senator be removed but the senate has to agree by more than half.  There are no rules about being biased for the defendant.  The idea that the senate has enough people that could drown out one person who thinks they should walk free.”

“I did wonder why you, Frank, and I weren’t asked to excuse ourselves.”

“The prosecution could have asked for your removal if it seemed that you acted biased.  You gave him a just trial so there was nothing that the prosecution could point to as biased.  There are no such provisions for the senate.”

“Are you doing okay?  Even though you tried to act relaxed I could tell the trial and sentencing stressed you out.”

“There was a lot on the line.  I wanted to come through for Will.  He deserved a second chance.”

“You’re a good friend.” Hazel said kindly.

“About that…” I was nervous telling my sister that we got back together.  She was rather harsh when Will overdosed.  I’m not sure how she would take me trying to work it out. “We got back together after the trial.”

Hazel stared at me with a deer in the headlights look. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes,”

“Have you thought this through?  Please don’t take this the wrong way.” She pleaded. “Last time he relapsed you fell apart, like I was seriously worried.  What are you going to do next time that happens, if it happens.”

“He is getting better,” I said trying to push the possibility to the back of my mind.  I knew I would stay this time around, but I certainly wouldn’t be happy about it.

“That doesn’t mean he won’t slip.  Please don’t get me wrong.  I love Will and want him to be okay.  If he is the person you want to be with, I’ll support you, but I’m worried you jumped back into this because you miss him, not because it was the best choice.  What has changed to make you think that this won’t end in the same way as last time?”

“My viewpoint has changed.  When he relapsed, I just couldn’t see a future anymore.  I was too hurt to think clearly.  Even then he was planning on going back to rehab and getting better.  I left when things got hard because I didn’t think I could handle it.”  I said ashamed. “Being with him or not I’ll have to watch him either save himself or destroy himself.  Nothing I can do is going to save me from that except if I cut him off completely and never see him again which may hurt just as much.  I may as well be with the love of my life and help him.  We talked about some boundaries in our relationship to try to give us a better start this time."

“I’ll trust your judgment, for now.  What happens if those boundaries are crossed?"

"I imagine we will have to talk about it.  We didn't really go into that."

"Where is Will? I don't see him." Hazel said looking around.

"He was released back to rehab two days ago." I tried for a smile but I guessed it failed.

"You're sad he's gone?" She said understanding

"Being here sucks.  It was at least more bearable when he was here. I don't wish he was still stuck here, but I wish I wasn't."

"You will be out of here soon enough.  How are you doing at getting better?"

"Um... Well, Dr. Green diagnosed me with depression alongside PTSD.  I didn't take the diagnosis well.  He is trying to get me on an anti-depressant combination that works for both flashbacks and depression.  I'm getting better at recognizing the flashbacks aren't real."

"How did you not take it well?" Hazel asked concerned.

"I kinda freaked out and had a panic attack.  It's the same diagnosis that Will has and what led him to where he is today.  I don't want to end up in a similar position."

"Are you coping okay?"

"I haven't been sleeping or feeling like eating much but I'm trying to work on it."

"I'm here if you need help.  Don't think you are going through this alone." She said reassuringly.

"Will already gave the ask for help if you need it speech." I said tired.  I was so tired of always talking about my feelings.

"I have to go or Frank will drown in paper work without me.  Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I said trying to give her a reassuring smile.

 

Notes:

Please comment your thoughts and where you might want to see this story head.

Chapter 67: Day 29: I'm out of here

Notes:

Thanks YemoBall for your input. Thanks everyone for their thoughts and comments.

Nico POV:

"So, Dr. Green it's been a week. Am I going home?"  I needed to get out of here.  I was going stir-crazy.

"I don't see why not.  You have handled your last flashbacks well and were able to identify what was going on."  I let out a sigh of relief.  "I do think you could benefit from therapy when you get out of here.  You shouldn't have to just live with flashbacks."

"Okay, can I do that with you?" I didn't care for my last therapist, and I didn't want to discuss this with someone new.

"Sure! Once a week work?" He said happily. 

"Yeah,"

"Great.  I want you to go by Dr. Adams's office for a physical after this before you go pack."

“Why? He gave me a physical about four days ago.  I couldn’t imagine anything to be different.” I asked confused.

“To be honest I’m concerned about your weight.  It’s dropped since you’ve been admitted.  That isn’t atypical for being here.  Some people just hate the food, but I would like to have a point to compare to once you get out of here in case things get worse.”

“Worse?”

“If your general disinterest in food turns into something more dangerous.”

I was getting frustrated at this point. “Please stop beating around the bush and tell me plainly what you are worried about.” I said irritated.

“I’m concerned about you developing an eating disorder.”  He said plainly.

The statement brought my brain to a halt.  All I could picture were the fights Gracie and Will had before she had to be hospitalized. “Uh, I’m fine.  Is this really necessary?”  I wasn’t totally convinced I was fine.  I rather do anything besides eating, but if I had to stay here a day longer I would lose my mind.

“It’s just a precaution.” Dr. Green said reassuringly.

“Okay, can I go now then so I can get out of here?”

“Sure,” He said with a smile.

I headed over to Dr. Adams office.  The moment I stepped through the door he got up and said, “Nico let’s go over to the exam room.”  

“I assume that Dr. Green told you that you were getting a physical before you got out of here.  Congratulations by the way.”  He said with a smile.  "This shouldn't take long just a few things I want to check.  Please follow me."  I stood to follow him, and then he started the physical.  I zoned out for most of it, but I couldn't help the look of concern when he checked my weight.

Once we were back in his office Dr. Adams stated, "There is something we need to discuss."  This made me squirm in my seat.  "Your weight is dropping off quickly.  It's even changed since a few days ago.  Are you trying to lose weight?"

"No,"  I wasn't trying to lose weight it was just a byproduct of the fact that I didn't want to eat.

"This is concerning.  Are you eating properly?"

"No," There was no point in lying.  I knew what I was doing wasn't good for me.

"Why are you not eating properly if you are not trying to lose weight?" He asked seriously.

"Food doesn't have appeal.  I don't want to eat.  I haven't been able to control one thing in my life in the last two months.  This is at least controllable.  If I don't want to eat something I don't have to." As I was talking I saw Dr. Adams, who was normally a cheery guy, look very serious and very concerned.  Once I stopped talking I realized I may have said too much.

"Your physical symptoms and your description of your eating habits and reason are concerning."

"Okay, what does that mean for me?" I was starting to wonder if he was going to try to keep me here.

"Well first, I want to alleviate your fears.  I'm not going to recommend that you stay.  Your weight is currently within normal ranges.  Right now you aren't in danger, but if you continue this way that will certainly change.  You're far from the first person I have dealt with with eating disorder tendencies.  It is a good thing that we have caught this relatively early before you have done any damage to your body.  At this point, if you just start eating a healthy diet you should be just fine.  If you need help developing a healthy diet we can help you with that." 

"Uh, I think I'll be fine," I said not even bothering to sound convincing.

"Nico, are you familiar with the effects of anorexia?" He asked seriously.

"Yes, Will's little sister has suffered from it."  Watching Gracie suffer from that wasn't fun.

"Okay, so you are aware of the risks if you keep going like this."

"I'll be fine," I said far more confident than I felt.

"I can't convince you to get help.  I'll pass on my concerns to Dr. Green."  Dr. Adams gave me a small smile, "Now get out of here."

I was on my way.

Notes:

Let me know what you think? How is Nico going to fair in the real world?

Chapter 68: Day 30 & 31: Gemma McDoug

Will POV:

I was sitting in the common room when Eddie Brown and Missy came in. I had no clue what this was about, but I had a bad feeling it involved me. I hadn't broken the conditions of my probation and my drug tests had been clean. Travis came over after talking to both of them. He looked very frustrated.

"Will, first of all, you are not in trouble." That was a relief. "Missy is here to question you about Gemma McDoug. Anytime anyone in the prosecution's office questions you you have the right to a lawyer. That's why Eddie is here. Please go to the conference room and talk to them. 

"Missy, please wait outside for a moment so I can talk to my client," Eddie said as we entered the conference room.

"What's going on?" was the first thing I said after the door closed.

"Your testimony in court was evidence enough to cause an investigation into Gemma McDoug. Missy is here to ask you some questions about Gemma. Since you are not on trial you may refuse to answer any question if you believe it would expose you to the risk of prosecution. Any questions?"

"As much as I dislike Gemma she was threatened by her abusive boyfriend into dealing. I don't want to testify against her. Do I have to do this?"

"If you don't do it voluntarily Missy will get a court order."

"In other words, yes I have to do this. Great. Fine. Let's get this over with."

Missy came in after that and we all sat around the conference table.  Just seeing her had my fight or flight senses responding.  I guess I still had some fears about getting caught and being arrested again.  No matter how much internal panic I had I needed to keep it together.  "Hello, Willam. I don't want to take up much of your time so I'll make this quick.  Is there anything we should know about Gemma McDoug besides what was said in your trial?  Based on your trial she is being charged with drug distribution, coercion to commit a crime, and attempted coercion for sex."

"While we are not friends by any means you shouldn't charge her."

Missy looked shocked at this admission.  "You said she pressured you to deal drugs and she shouldn't be charged?"

"She was only dealing because her abusive boyfriend, Bradly Plum would beat her and cut off her supply if she didn't sell enough.  She is as much a victim as I am."

"That can be factored into her sentencing.  Even though she is a domestic violence victim, she hurt people.  You are far from the only person I'm talking to today about this.  Just because she has a good excuse doesn't mean that it's a free pass to commit crimes.  Why can no one understand that?" Missy said looking irritated.  "Also we are going to use her trial to set up Bradly's trial for drug distribution.  The search warrant for his apartment didn't reveal any drugs so he was only arrested for domestic violence.  We are still trying to investigate the drug distribution chain you dealt for." Ouch. While I did briefly deal is it necessary to bring it up?  Suddenly the room felt very small.  I was reminded of the trial and how hopeless it all seemed.  Why was I having trouble breathing?  Even though I didn't like Gemma I hated that I was now a part of her trial and destroying part of her life.  She didn't deserve that.  "If we can just cut the head off the snake we could get a large amount of drugs out of New Rome."

I was about to lash out telling her exactly what I thought about prosecuting people like Gemma, Carrie, and myself, but then I decided she was not a person I wanted to be pissed at me.  For the next year, I was tied up in the court system by my probation.  I didn't need to make an enemy of the prosecutor.

"Is there anything else?"  I asked trying to keep my tone level.  I could feel a panic attack coming and I wanted her gone before that fully hit.

"No, thank you very much.  The trial is tomorrow at 2 please meet in the senate house chambers."

"Okay," I said and she left the room.  Now that she was gone my body felt it was safe to react to the overwhelming sense of fear that Missy had instilled in me from my trial.  I went from mostly okay to a full panic attack in less than 30 seconds.

"Will, it's going to be okay. I'll go get Travis." Eddie said as he quickly left the room.  A minute later Travis and Eddie came back in.

"Will I need you to look at me," Travis said in a calm voice.  I was able to focus on him but it was still hard to calm down and breathe.  "Do you know what set you off?"

"Missy," I said between gasps for air.

"He wouldn't be the first client I've had to have a panic attack after seeing their prosecutor again,"  Eddie said as he sat in one of the chairs.

"Will, you're not going back on trial, and your sentence isn't changing.  There is nothing to panic about."

"I'm about to help a vicious prosecutor convict a domestic abuse victim of crimes she was forced to do by her abuser.  I'm not okay with this at all." I said as I felt the adrenaline leave slowly.

"Will, while Gemma was forced into dealing she wasn't perfectly innocent.  Her pressuring you to have sex with her was all her own doing as was having you deal for her.  While I feel for the situation Gemma is in I don't think you have to feel guilty for testifying against her."  Travis said.

That comment made me feel less guilty and therefore able to calm down fully.  I still didn't want to testify but I would have to get over it.

-----

The next day I woke up craving oxy.  This was so not the day for it.  I was going to go to the Senate house alone for the trial.  Travis thought this would be a good test run in the real world for a few hours.

I found the trial stressful.  It just reminded me of my trial and how panicked I was.  It took a lot for me to keep a level head and not fall into a panic attack just from the memories.  I kept having to remind myself that my trial was over and this had nothing to do with that.  Nothing surprising happened during the trial.  Gemma pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 6 months in jail with 6 months probation.

After the trial, I walked by the accident site.  Suddenly I could remember more of the crash and what happened.  The memory was heartbreaking.  I needed something to take the edge off.  I was free of rehab for the moment.  I knew my regular supply chain was decimated by Gemma's and Bradly's arrest.  The next sure bet was to find Carl.  We were friends that got high together.  I knew he had a different supplier.  It wouldn't take that much effort to call and get something.  I was playing with the drachma in my pocket.  Was I going to do this?  The more I thought about getting high the more I wanted it until it was all I could think about.  I went to go find a fountain to make an IM to find where Carl was.

Once I found a good place to make an IM I paused.  Was this really what I wanted? Yes, my brain immediately supplied.  What was the cost though?  My brain helpfully asked.  I was reminded of the group session about reasons and costs.  The thing that needed to be more important than my desire to get high had to be a reason not to.  Suddenly the only thing I could think of was Nico's prior reactions to my drug use.  Did I really want to tell him I couldn't last a few hours alone?

After the stress of the trial, I needed some peace.  Oxy was a great way of chilling out.  No matter what Travis said about Gemma's lack of innocence I still felt guilty about testifying against her.  I wanted to forget.

I threw a drachma into the fountain's misty rainbow.

"Oh Iris, goddess of the Rainbow, please accept my offering.  Show me... Jason Grace," I said with a sigh.  I needed help and he was a safe person to ask.  He always had been.

"Hey Will what's up?" He said casually.  His expression became more serious noting my surroundings. "Why aren't you in rehab?! Please don't tell me you checked yourself out."

"I didn't.  Um, I had to leave for a few hours to testify in Gemma's trial."

Jason immediately relaxed.  "So what's going on?"

Could I ask for help?  This was embarrassing that I needed help staying sober for just a few hours.  I mentally weighed the option of being embarrassed for an hour against the alternative.  If I got high I could ruin my future and go to jail.  That isn't even taking into account what it would do to my relationship with Nico.  I needed the help, but I couldn't make eye contact while asking for it.  "I'm embarrassed to ask but would you mind walking with me back to rehab?  It's an hour's walk from the senate house, and I've been craving drugs all day.  I was going to call someone to help me get something to get high on and changed my mind at the last second and called you."

Jason looked serious, "You're by the senate house?"

"Yes,"

"Don't go anywhere and I'll be there in 10 minutes.  If you not still there I will hunt you down."  Jason wasn't joking as he said this. 

I tried my best to zone out for the 10 minutes I had to wait so I wouldn't go off and do something stupid.

"Hey, Will!"  Jason said as he walked up to me.

I still wasn't thrilled that I had to ask for help.  "Thanks for doing this," I said embarrassed.

"It's no problem.  I'm glad you called.  Addiction is a hard thing to defeat on your own.  There is no reason to be embarrassed."

"Speaking of things that are mildly embarrassing did you know I got sent to the psych ward for a bit for my self-harm and other things?"

"No, I didn't realize you started having a hard time with that.  You were there at the same time as Nico?" Jason said looking concerned.

"Yes,"

"I haven't talked to Nico since he told me he was admitted for PTSD related to his last quest.  Was that awkward being there together?"

"At first, we were uncomfortable around each other. Then, after the trial, we had two joint therapy sessions where we worked on our issues. We're back together now," I said with a smile.

Jason smiled at this.  "I'm happy for you.  Both of you seemed miserable after the break-up. Also, what trial?"

"Well one of the people I sold drugs to was arrested, and because of their arrest, I was charged with dealing drugs.  In the end, I was convicted of dealing drugs under duress and theft under duress.  I'm on probation for a year and if I finish that without incident my record will be cleaned."

"That's a tough break.  I'm glad you can get your record cleaned though."

"Yeah.  Anyway, while I was in the psych ward my therapist had me create a safety plan for when I wanted to cut.  I thought you could be a person I could go to if I was struggling.  Is that something you would be okay with?"

Jason smiled, "I would be happy to help.  This wouldn't be the first time someone has listed me as a person for their safety plan.  I had a few legion members that I had to check into the psych ward.  A few of them asked if I would help be a part of their safety plan.  Can I get a copy of your plan so I can know what your warning signs and triggers are?"

"Yeah, I'll get that to you after I'm out of rehab."

"Good. Will I'm really proud of you for working so hard at getting better."

"Well, don't be.  After I was discharged from the psych ward I wasn't going to check back into rehab.  Dad came.  He basically said if I didn't do it he would have the courts declare me mentally unfit, and then he would force me to go to rehab."

"Still, you're trying to get better.  You had a choice to call me or seek out drugs.  Calling me is a far cry from where you were two months ago.  Don't sell yourself short.  You're making progress."

I smiled because he was right.  "Yeah, two months ago I wouldn't have even considered asking someone for help."

"I'm glad you are getting better.  It was scary when you overdosed."

"Sorry about that," I said sheepishly.

"Ah, water under the bridge.  Just don't do it again."  He said seriously.

 

 

Notes:

Let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 69: Day 35: Visiting

Notes:

Thanks to YemoBalls for breaking up my writer's block! I really felt like posting so here you go!

Nico's POV

Will was going to know something was up if I didn't show up to visiting hours. Since I was finally out of the psych ward he would expect me to visit. I couldn't let him know I was having trouble eating or my depression was getting as bad as it was. It would put too much on his plate, and he had enough to worry about. I had managed to avoid visiting hours on Tuesday due to the trial, and I made some excuses for Thursday. If I skipped today he would know I was avoiding him.

Gods, I just couldn't pull myself out of bed.  I knew my depression was getting worse, and it was affecting my eating.  I was fine though.  Controlling what I ate and when made me feel like at least something was in my control.  If my weight had fallen off a little bit due to this then that was okay.  Since Dr. Green and Dr. Adams showed concern though, I didn't want Will to either, so I decided the best course of action was to wear a slightly baggy jacket to hide any weight loss.

-----

"Nico!" Will said clearly excited to see me after a few weeks.  I tried to smile and pretend everything was fine but it didn't work. Will's look of excitement quickly shifted to one of concern. "Is everything okay?"

I brushed off the question, "It's fine.  Just been having a hard time since I left the psych ward.  I've been busy with New Rome politics since I dropped out of school for the semester."

The look of concern didn't leave Will's face, "Are you sure you're okay?  You seem paler than normal." Will went to put his hand on my head, and I instinctively moved away.

"I'm fine Will, and you're not supposed to be diagnosing or treating anyone while in here." I gave him a small glare which made him back off.

"You're right.  I just worry." He said sheepishly.

"So how has rehab been?" Will sighed and collapsed back on the couch we were sitting on.

"I'm rather sick of talking about my feelings, and how I got into this mess."

"Learn anything?" I asked wondering.

"Well, I hate being vulnerable, and asking for help reminds me of that feeling.  It's something that I let get in the way of reaching out for help.  I'm learning to suck it up and deal with it, but it's hard.  After Gemma's trial, I did manage to ask Jason to walk me back to rehab when I felt like I was in danger of seeking out drugs." He said looking partially ashamed.

His statement brought a genuine smile to my face, "I'm so proud of you."

Still looking disappointed he said, "I shouldn't have needed the help.  I couldn't manage being on my own for an hour."

"That isn't what you should take away from this.  What you should talk away is that you were tempted and overcame it. I'm still so proud of you." I said honestly.

"Enough about me. Are you okay?  Really?  You don't seem well."

Maybe I hadn't covered things as well as I thought.  "Depression sucks, but other than that I'm fine," At least I could give him that.  I knew I was fine but that didn't mean Will would think so.  I didn't want to get into it with him.

"Can I check? Please.  It would give me some peace of mind." He said sincerely. I started to feel trapped.  I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming.  If he used his powers he could sense everything that Dr. Adams did.  That would just lead to a fight I wasn't willing to have.  Will would jump to conclusions, and I didn't need that right now.

"No," I knew it was an asshole move on my part, but the only way to get him to back off was to turn this back on him. "You are not a medic right now for good reason.  You're in rehab.  Take care of yourself.  If I was unwell, which I'm not, you're the last person I would go to."  I bit out, instantly feeling bad.  Will looked like I slapped him.

"Um...," Will tentatively said.  It looked like he was going to cry.  "I had a rough morning in therapy, and I don't need this right now.  Could you please leave and we can talk about this later when we are both less upset, maybe in therapy."  Shit, what have I done?

"Yeah, I'll go.  Sorry," I said not meeting his eye.

Will's POV:

Nico snapping at me was the last thing I needed.  Travis and I were talking about my emotional reliance on drugs to ease discomfort this morning.  We had gone through a lot of times that I had used to cover up pain or stress and having to relieve the things I wanted to forget sober was a lot.  We hadn't even approached the assault, and I was emotionally exhausted.  Everything in me had been crying out for a distraction, drugs, cutting, a friendly face, or really anything.  I was hoping Nico was going to be that.  I guess this is what Travis was talking about when he said we can't rely on other people to be our emotional regulators.

Nico got up to leave.  He was unsteady on his feet for a moment, but that could be due to quickly standing up.  Anemia would make that problem worse.  Could that be what was wrong?  I didn't want to push Nico further because that wasn't going to get me anywhere.  Maybe Dr. Green would still be willing to do a couples session because this seemed like there was something more to this.

After he left I felt alone, useless, stressed, anxious, and wanted drugs.  I could recognize that I was feeling most of my triggers and my wrists were starting to itch which I had learned was a warning sign.  I started rubbing my temples to try to ease the stress.  This wasn't what I needed right now.  Deep breath.  Everything is going to be fine. I attempted to reassure myself.  After working through all of my coping skills I was feeling mildly better, but not better enough.

The rehab center wasn't locked down the same way that the psych ward was.  Finding something sharp wasn't that hard here. No! I didn't need this.  What I needed was some help.  I groaned.  I didn't want another therapy session, but I wanted to relapse even less.  I went to seek out Travis.

"Hey, Will," Travis said as I entered his office.  "Something up?"

"Um...," Just because I had figured out why I was reluctant to reach out for help didn't make it any easier to do so. "I need some help."  It also didn't get rid of the feeling of humiliation for having to ask.

"How can I help?" Travis said kindly.  I think he was noting how uncomfortable I was.

Looking at the floor I answered, "I'm getting close to cutting."

"Let's talk about that then.  Please take a seat." He said gesturing at the open chair in the room.  "So what led up to this?"

"I wasn't feeling great after therapy this morning, and I was looking forward to Nico visiting.  I figured he would be a nice distraction.  He wasn't."

"Did something happen?"  He asked concerned.

"I think something is wrong with his health.  I tried to check, but the first time he backed away saying it wasn't my job.  The second time I inquired about it he said that if something was wrong I was the last person he would go to."  I said while getting further upset.

"Why do you think he said that?"

"The first time I figured he didn't want me taxing myself and not worry about him.  The second time I think he said it to make me back off.  I'm worried something is wrong.  Scratch that I'm almost certain something is up.  Nico doesn't react like that unless there is a reason."

"So what happened after that?" He inquired.

"I told him to leave, and I had a hard morning.  He then left without saying much."

"What about that interaction pushed you to want to cut?"  

It took me a while to examine the conversation to figure out why I wanted an escape, but eventually, I concluded. "I don't like being at odds with him.  It makes me feel stressed. Also what he said really hurt.  I feel like I'm in the dark about something and don't know what it is, so that scares me.  Also, this whole interaction broke some of my trust in Nico."

"Why is that?"

"He isn't sharing what is going on.  He tried to brush off any questions I asked about him.  If he wants me to be open about how I'm doing I expect the same."

"That seems like a fair thing to expect from a relationship.  So how do you want to handle this with him?"

"I don't know if this is the right thing but instead of just talking it out with him I rather have a joint therapy session with Dr. Green again."

Travis took a moment to think about this, "Why do you want a third party?" 

"If the way Nico acted today is any indication of how much he plans on sharing I think we have a problem.  I think it would be good for someone else besides myself to tell him that he should share how he is doing.  I also want to use the truth balls Dr. Green has because I don't feel that Nico is being honest with me.  The trust in our relationship is a fragile thing.  For good reason, he doesn't have much in me.  I understand that, but he left when things got really hard.  I don't fully trust him to stay.  I feel like he doesn't trust me with anything difficult, and therefore I don't trust him."

"It sounds like you two really need to work on that.  Therapy might be a good solution to that.  How are you feeling after talking about this?" 

"Oddly much better.  Thanks."

"Any time."

Notes:

Let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 70: Day 38 & 39: Travis takes on the Assault

Summary:

Thanks for the input YemoBalls!

"You've been here for 2 weeks and I think we have made some progress." Travis opened with.

"Why do I feel there is a but coming?" I said apprehensively. 

"I was rereading Tiffany's notes and it reminded me that there has been a topic you have been avoiding. I assume on purpose. Talking about the assault." He stated.

I froze, "I don't want to talk about it"

"Some part of you must want to because that statement isn't 100% true."

"Regardless, I'm not talking about it."  The idea was terrifying. 

"You know this isn't a good idea.  You will have to deal with it at some point.  If you do it now it's on your terms.  You can take control of the situation instead of it taking control of you."

"It can't control me if I don't think about it."  Please stop.

"Let me put it this way. You are ignoring the psychological equivalent of a broken leg.  It's going to need to be dealt with at some point."

"I'm fine," I gritted out.

"You are not and you know it.  This is going to come back.  Something is going to trigger you, and if you don't have help it's a recipe for a relapse."

"What would trigger me?  I avoid the bar I was at, and the road the sorority house was on." I snapped.

"First, that isn't something you should be having to do. Second, it could be anything.  You are not my first client to have been raped." Hearing that word made me feel like someone struck me. "A laugh, the taste of a drink, the color of a room, the color of fabric, or anything intimate to name a few.  Do you have flashbacks of the attack?"

"I said I'm not talking about this."  This wasn't happening.

"Do you have nightmares?"  Travis asked.

"We are not doing this." I pushed back.

Travis continued undeterred, "You have problems with physical intimacy, and you avoid places that remind you of the attack.  You shouldn't have to live this way."

"I'm not dealing with this and you're a shit therapist for trying to make me!"  I yelled then left the room and went back to my room. As I curled up in a ball to cry from stress and frustration I noticed someone was in my room.

"This looks like a bad time, but my name is Tom.  I'm your new roommate.  I'll leave you to do whatever you were going to do."

I tried to collect myself. "No, a distraction would be welcomed.  Did you just get out of detox?"

Tom grimaced, "Yes.  That was no fun.  Who knew oxy withdrawals could be so miserable?"

"I remember going through detox.  Oxy withdrawals suck." I said with a smile trying to lighten the mood.  "So where are you from?"

"Here originally, but most recently Las Vegas."

"How did you end up here then?"

"My sister drove up to visit me and caught me using.  We had a huge fight about it.  In the end, she won and drove me down here.  Even though I'm not exactly happy with her, she probably saved my life.  I barely made it out of here for six months.  Then I was dragged back here because I did something stupid. I wanted to get away from demigod life."

"Why did you want to get away?" I asked though I figured I knew the answer.

"Too much fighting.  I'd like a calm life with only the occasional monster attack."

"Wouldn't we all?" I said laughing.

"So what are you in for?"  I spent a while telling him how I had ended up hooked and in rehab and out and back again.

"Rough story dude. I found the peace of being away unnerving.  It was like when there wasn't fighting my mind went into overdrive.  I took oxy to have a moment of peace.  Plus the feeling of being high was fun.  I hadn't quite realized what I had done to myself until I was going through withdrawal.  I had only initially come to stop the fight with my sister.  I figured a week or two in here totally fine would show her she overreacted—jokes on me. So care to fill me in on what had you so upset?"

I froze. "Uh... can we drop it?"

"Sure, it's not like I don't have my own bag of trauma I rather not talk about."

We spent what would have been my therapy time getting to know one another.

-----Next Day-----

I hadn't seen Travis since I stormed out of his office yesterday.  It had been a long time since I left mid session.  I had never blown up on a therapist before.  I wasn't sure what Travis's reaction was going to be.  Would he be mad?  The only way to find out was to go to my therapy session.  I sat down and felt awkward.  I wasn't sure if I should apologize or what. 

Travis started to speak, "First, you can relax.  You're not in trouble." I did relax at that comment. "Second, we need to talk about yesterday's session so that won't happen again," and I tensed right back up. Seeing this Travis continued, "I wasn't planning on trying to talk about the assault." Okay, I could breathe.

"I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said you were a shit therapist.  I just felt trapped."

"I understand I was pushing you on a sensitive topic.  Please let's try to keep things civil in the future.  I'm not going to apologize for pushing because that is my job.   I would like to know what scares you about talking about it."

"I'm afraid of what I'll remember.  The memories I have are bad enough I don't need anymore.  Also at the moment I'm not suffering I don't want to change that."  I was fine enough.

"Are you telling me you don't avoid places that remind you of the attack?  You don't have nightmares?  You don't have flashbacks?  You don't have problems with physical affection?"

"It's not that bad." I said not even convincing myself.

"Will, I can help you. I'm trained in trauma therapy.  We can get through this together." Travis said earnestly.

"Travis, once I open that box I'll have more problems than I already do.  I don't want to." I said plainly.

"Will, that box is going to open whether you want it to or not.  At least if it's on your terms you have control."

"That is simply an illusion." I said not believing a word he said.

"Okay, I can't force you.  I'll be here when you change your mind.  Let's move on with today's session."

 

Notes:

Let me know your thought!

Chapter 71: Day 45: After Rehab Life Plans

Notes:

I hope you enjoy!!

I was nervous.  I needed to do two things, and then I was free to leave rehab.  Find a place to live and a job.  I'd looked through New Rome's newspaper for a job and Lou Ellen was hiring.  I knew it was a long shot but I was going to ask her if she would help me first.  She was maybe the only person who might look past my petty theft charge.  That was one possibility, or she would judge me all the more.

IMing her was easy.  I didn't expect the conversation to be.

"Will!" She excitedly exclaimed as she saw me.  "What is going on?  How is rehab?"

Okay, I could do this.  "Rehab is going great! Actually, I might even get to leave today."

She looked confused, "I thought you were going to be in there for another two weeks.  Something change?"

"I've worked through everything I need to with Travis.  Okay, almost everything, but he thinks I'm better enough to leave.  That is as long as I get two things done, which leads to the reason for my call.  I need a job.  Is there any way you would hire me until school starts?"

Lou Ellen had a thoughtful look on her face and looked a little uncomfortable. "Will, um..."

She wasn't going to hire me.  I took a deep breath and cut her off, "It's okay.  I knew it was a long shot.  I get after the theft why you wouldn't want to hire me." I said feeling ashamed about stealing from her again.  Long-term consequences weren't fun, but I needed to face them.

The uncomfortable look on her face shifted. "Will it isn't that.  My shop is changing and combining with a pharmacy.  I will be offering spells, medicine, and the odd trinket or two.  I don't think my shop would be a good fit for you straight out of rehab.  Would you be willing to work at a coffee shop?"

Surprised I responded, "Absolutely!"

"She hasn't posted it yet, but the shop up the road needs some holiday help.  I assume that would be perfect for you."  Her face turned serious. "I would have to vouch for you.  Don't make me regret it."

"Thank you so much! I won't." I said completely relieved.

"Okay, I'll go get that set up for you.  Now what else is it that you have to do to be free?" She asked teasingly.

"Find a place to live."

"Try asking Kyle, his roommate just moved out.  He has been kinda bummed about living by himself."  Living with Kyle would be great.  This is just what I needed. "Good luck!"

"Thanks!" and with that the IM ended.

"Oh Iris, goddess of the Rainbow, please accept my offering.  Show me Kyle James."

Kyle looked to be working on some homework completely oblivious to the call.  "Kyle!"

"Ah!" He said as he jumped in his seat. "Don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry, but I had to get your attention somehow."

Calming himself down he asked, "So what's up?"

"I need a place to live, and I heard from Lou Ellen that you may need a roommate."

A smile crept onto Kyle's face, "I do need a roommate.  Are you interested?"

"Yes! This solves my problem of a place to live."

"So when would you be moving in?"

"Today? I need to confirm with Travis, but the only things I needed to do to get out of here were get a job and a place to live."

"That's awesome man!  Unless I hear something to the contrary I'll see you tonight.  The bedroom is already furnished."

"Great!" 

"Hey, how are you and Nico doing?  Last time we talked you said things kinda got out of hand when you talked to him." He asked concerned.

"We haven't really talked since then.  He IM'ed to apologize but that's it.  We haven't resolved anything.  I suggested doing a couples counseling session again, and he shot down that idea."

"Do you think something is going on with him?  Turning down therapy doesn't really sound like him.  Honestly, it sounds more like you, no offense meant"

"None taken.  Out of the two of us, I've always been the one resisting getting help.  I'm worried something medical is going on and he is hiding it.  He wouldn't let me check on him, and he seemed dizzy upon standing."

"That could be something or it could be nothing.  Give him some space, and let him come to you.  I'm sure he will eventually." 

"I'll try that.  Thanks"

Nico's POV:

I was dreading going to therapy because Dr. Green had me see Dr. Adams that morning for a physical.  I tried wearing heavier clothes to hide the fact I had lost weight.  I think it might have worked since I didn't get a repeat lecture about losing weight.

As soon as I stepped into the office my stomach dropped to the floor.  Dr. Green was sitting behind his desk as Dr. Adams was leaning against it.  This didn't seem like a good thing.

"Nico, please sit." Dr. Green said calmly.

My apprehensiveness must have shown because Dr. Adams followed up with, "Calm down, everything is going to be fine."

After taking my seat I inquired, "Not that I don't enjoy your company Dr. Adams, but why are you here?"

"Let's get straight to it then.  Nico, your weight is becoming a real problem that needs to be addressed.  I asked Dr. Adams here to help us create a plan for you to get better."

"I'm fine," I said doing my best to not give away how much I was freaking out on the inside.

"I know this isn't an easy thing to talk about but we need to." Dr. Adams said.

"I don't have a problem with my weight.  I thought we were here to deal with my PTSD not discuss my physical health." I said getting agitated.

"If we really get into it I imagine we will find that the two are related.  I have some paperwork I would like you to fill out for me." Dr. Green said as he handed over a sheet.

I took a quick glance at the questions, "Is this really necessary?" I asked knowing this wasn't going to be ending well for me.

"Pleases just fill out the questions," Dr. Adams stated.

Do you find yourself often skipping meals or eating less than your peers? Yes

Does your mental imaging of yourself line up with reality? I imagine

Do you fear gaining weight? Yes?

Do you panic at the prospect of eating certain foods? Yes

Do you believe you are currently underweight, normal, or overweight for your age and height? Normal

Do you find staying alert difficult? Yes

Do you find it hard to stay awake? Yes

Are you cold when others are comfortable or warm? Yes

Do you find yourself eating and vomiting afterward? No

I handed the sheet back and then watched Dr. Green and Dr. Adams compare my answers to some other piece of paper.  Dr. Green was the first one to speak, "Nico, I know that you hate it when I don't clearly state what I mean, so I'm going to skip all of the preamble and get to the point.  Your weight has been falling for almost three weeks now.  You are now underweight.  Given there is no medical cause of this and your answers to the questionnaire you have anorexia."

"No, I don't. I'm perfectly normal.  So what if I skip meals every once in a while, doesn't everyone?  That doesn't mean I have anorexia."

"Nico, do you still feel like eating or not eating food contributes to your sense of control in your life?" Dr. Adams asked.

"Well, yes."  It was something in my control.  I liked that.

"Would you like me to go through the diagnostic criteria for this?" Dr. Green asked.

"Yes, because you are way off base." I needed them to be wrong. I was fine.

"Restricting caloric intake causing a low body weight given physical norms." Okay, I could see how I was restricting. "Extreme fear of gaining weight." Okay on some days the idea of eating a waffle makes me panic. "Inaccurate view of one's body." I'm fine there "or a continual lack of recognition of the seriousness of the low body weight."  Dr. Green said matter-of-factly. 

"Uh... okay... I can see where I could fit some of those criteria, but I don't have an inaccurate view of myself nor am I underweight."

Dr. Adams was the next one to speak. "Nico, how do you view your physical appearance?"

"I'm fine I guess. I have extra fat in some places, but doesn't everyone?" I said wondering where this was going.

"Nico, you are underweight.  You have a BMI of 17.5.  You would need to gain weight to be at a healthy weight.  Looking at you there isn't any fat on you.  This is proving Dr. Green's point.  You don't have an accurate view of yourself.  This BMI was calculated when you were wearing heavy clothes.  An accurate one would probably be lower."

"We need to create a treatment plan for you so you can get better." Dr. Geen insisted. "Anorexia is deadly untreated. Most people need help reforming their thought processes and eating normally again."

"I'm fine. I don't need help." I was adamant.  I didn't have what Gracie had.  She was skin and bones and I looked mostly fine.

"Okay, brass tacks, you are sick and need help.  We are happy to provide that help, but if you are unwilling to follow a treatment plan I will need to drop you as a client."

I sat there dumbfounded for a minute.  I trusted Dr. Green and didn't like the idea of finding a new therapist.  Dr. Green and Dr. Adams didn't seem to need to fill the silence.  It was clear they were waiting for me to talk first. 

"Is it that bad?" I said timidly.

"Yes," Dr. Green responded confidently.

"I'm not sick. I don't need to change anything."  They both looked sad at my admission.  No matter how much I trusted Dr. Green and Dr. Adams, which was quite a lot, the idea made me panic.

"We can create a plan that works for you, but if you aren't ready to try we will be here when you are."  Dr. Adams said kindly.  Then I left.

Notes:

Please let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 72: The break down

Notes:

Trigger warnings at the end. Comments will now be curated due to some awful comments someone made to myself and others.

I'm so excited I broke 100k words!

1.5 weeks later

Kyle POV:

I was working on my homework when I heard the sound of muffled crying. I went to investigate and found the crying was coming from the bathroom. Since the only other person in the apartment at the moment was Will I assumed it had to be him. I knocked on the door.

"Will, are you okay?" I asked concerned. There was no answer only more muffled cries. Will had seemed off when he came home, but he had started to reach out when he needed help so I hadn't been overly concerned. I hope that wasn't a grave mistake on my part. "Will, you have 10 seconds to say something or I'm opening the door." I was just hoping whatever situation I found on the other side of the door was manageable. I knew first hand how bad Will's spirals could get. After 10 seconds there was no sound.  I tried the door. It was locked. "Will open the door!" I was starting to be actually worried at this point. I tried the door once again and then decided to IM Nico. He could get in without breaking the door.  This was an old apartment complex with solid wood doors.  It was going to hurt to break it down.

"Nico," I said as the image became clear. He seemed to be working on homework and not paying attention. "Nico!"

"What?!" He said startled as he looked up.

"I need you to shadow travel into Will's bathroom. He's crying and won't talk or open the door."

Nico slashed through the IM without a word. It took about 3 seconds before the bathroom door clicked open, and Nico shouted, "Kyle, help!"

The sight I walked in on was unfortunately familiar. Will was half dazed and had a small pool of blood by his arm. I grabbed one of the towels so I could start cleaning his arm. The damage was a bit brutal. "Shit Will, some of these are deep," I said trying to get his attention. He didn't seem to have the presence of mind at the moment to respond. I turned to address Nico, "He needs to go to the ER immediately. Shadow travel him there. I can walk and meet you there."

Nico looked nervous for a moment then said, "I can travel the three of us." The next thing I knew everything was cold and strange. Then we appeared in the ER waiting room. A nurse rushed over and pulled us back into the ER without delay.  Nico didn't look good after shadow-traveling us.  He was having a hard time staying upright.

"Hi, who are you?" The nurse kindly said to Will. When he didn't answer I said, "His name is William Solace,"

"Who are you two?"

"Nico di Angelo, his boyfriend. I'm on his medical paperwork."  Nico said finally recovering.

"I'm Kyle James his brother."

"Okay, we are going to put him behind curtain 1. I'll grab a doctor." She said before running off.  A few minutes later the doctor came in.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Nathan." He said not looking up from his clipboard as he studied Will's chart.  After a minute when he looked up.  "Will, can you tell me what happened?"  Will barely managed to say. "I cut myself."

Dr. Nathan turned to Nico and me saying, "Can you please step outside?  I tend to find these conversations are easier without family and friends."

"Sure," Both Nico and I said as we left the curtained area.  There were some chairs set along the hallway so we sat there.

"What happened?" Nico asked bewildered once we were alone.  He was far more out of breath than he should be.  I could see why Will had some concerns.

"I wish I knew. The last few days he had been more withdrawn. I didn't think it was headed into dangerous territory, or I would have said something."  How could I have missed this?

"I know," Nico said with a sigh. "Sometimes we miss the warning signs."

"That wasn't just a minor setback where he hurt himself, but barely. I think all of those cuts need stitches," I said, worried. After that, we sat in silence until the doctor came over 30 minutes later.

Nico was the one to speak first, "How bad is the damage?"

"He needed a lot of stitches and a transfusion.  After talking for a bit I want someone from psychiatry to talk to him and evaluate if he can be released.  Do you have any questions?"

"Are you considering putting him on an involuntary hold?" I asked.  I wasn't sure how well Will was going to react to that.

"Yes," the doctor said seriously.

"Is that really necessary?" Nico asked concerned.

"I'm not sure.  That's why I'm going to have him talk to Tiffany.  You can go back and see him now."  He said before rushing off.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting to see when we returned to Will but what I did see was heartbreaking.  Will was crying staring at the bandages on his arms.  When he realized we were there he started to speak, "I'm sorry,"

Nico went over to sit by him on the bed and put his arm around him. "You don't have to apologize.  Can you tell us what happened?" Nico said understanding.

After Will managed to stop crying he said, "I stopped being able to cope."

"Isn't that what you have us for?  Why didn't you come to us?" I asked.  Just then Travis came in.

"I thought Tiffany was coming?" Will said trying to stop crying.

"They got really busy in psychiatry, so I'm up,"  Travis explained.  "Guys, can you give us the room?"  

"Can they stay?" Will asked meekly.

"Will, I have to ask some personal questions are you sure?" Travis said unsure.

"Yes," Will managed to say trying to put himself together.

"So what led up to this?"   Travis asked.

Will looked uncomfortable. "I've been having flashbacks and nightmares about the assault."  Assault? What did I miss?  "Things had gotten worse not too long after rehab.  I had been doing good.  Going to therapy and going to NA meetings were working at keeping everything manageable."

"If things were manageable what changed?" He asked.

"Um...Well, I was walking along sorority row because I had to get to work, and I was going to be late if I went around it like I normally do.  Then I ran into Nikki." Nico's expression darkened.

"Will what happened?" Nico asked calmly.

"Um... She started talking to me.  I don't remember much of what she said because I was too panicked.  Then she kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear, 'Maybe we could have fun again sometime'.  I lost control of my powers and gave her a case of the bubonic plague." Will whispered the last part.  In a daze, he added, "She immediately doubled over coughing.  She shouldn't be dead yet, but she will be if she doesn't get help."  It didn't even seem like Will registered what he said.  The look behind his eyes was just dead.  He looked like a shell of himself.

Travis asked cautiously and concerned, "Do you know where she might be?"

"The giant pink sorority house on Clover. I assume." Will said clearly out of it.

"Excuse me, I need to call an ambulance," Travis said calmly as he left the room.  We sat in silence.   No one wanted to discuss what was just said.  Travis returned a few minutes later.  After he sat down he started talking to Will again.  "So what happened after you lost control of your powers?"

"I ran home, hid in my bathroom, and started cutting."

"I know you have people and things in place for when things get bad.  Why didn't you reach out to anyone?

"I didn't... I needed... I couldn't... I wanted..."  After trying to start a sentence multiple times Will stopped and turned into Nico's side and just started crying.

It seemed that Travis sensed that things were very delicate because he stopped Will gently saying, "It's okay you don't have to answer."  Travis let Will cry while Nico comforted him until he calmed down again.  "Will, I read the report from the doctor.  Most of your cuts were quite deep.  Was this a suicide attempt?"

The question sent a chill through the room, and Will burrowed further into Nico's side.  Nico reached down to pull Will's chin up to look at him.  "Sweetheart, no one is going to be mad, but you need to answer the question."  He said kindly.

"No," Will answered weakly.

"Would you like them to step outside?"  Travis asked with a pointed stare.

"Um... no." Will eventually said.

"Then can you work with me here?  Things will go a lot smoother if you're honest with me."  Travis said kindly.

Travis’s pushback was worrying.

Will looked visibly uncomfortable and responded in a small voice, "I didn't care if I killed myself." 

"Okay, can you explain what you mean a little more? I need to get a fuller picture." Travis said clinically. 

"Normally when I'm cutting, not using my fingernails, I'm aware of major vessels and try to avoid them.  This time I didn't."

"When you say that do you mean that you weren't paying attention or that you were trying to cut them?"  Travis asked neutrally.

"I was trying to cut them," Will said weakly.  Will couldn't see the looks in the room because his head was buried in Nico's side.  I don't know that I have ever seen Nico look more frightened.  I'm sure I wasn't looking much better.  Travis's professional mask slipped into a look of sadness for a moment.

Travis was doing an overall excellent job of staying professional, "Was that because you wanted to kill yourself?"  

"Yes... I didn't want to feel that way anymore, and I didn't really care how." Will mumbled.

"What way?" Travis asked.

"Disgusting, ashamed, terrified, and used," Shit, I think I have a guess of what happened.

"Will you're going to be admitted to the psych ward for a few days,"  Travis said in a no-nonsense tone.

"I don't need that.  I rather just go home and sleep this off."  Will said.

Travis looked like he didn't want to say whatever was about to come out of his mouth. "Will I'm sure you are aware of the protocols for this-72 hour admittance under constant supervision then reassessment."

Will let go of Nico and sat up straight looking bewildered. "You're putting me on an involuntary hold?!"

"Yes," Travis stated.

Will just looked shocked. "But-"

"Will there isn't arguing this.  You could appeal this to the medical judgment board but that will take at least 24 hrs. I can get you the form if you like, but they won't overrule my decision."

"Will I know how much an involuntary hold sucks, but Travis has been your therapist for a while.  If he says you need additional support temporarily you probably do." I said.  Believe me, did I know how much involuntary admission sucked.

"It's only 3 days," Nico said encouragingly.

Defeated Will said, "I won't appeal.  Fine.  How does this work?"

"Excuse me," I said as I stepped outside and walked down the hall.  I was having to fight back throwing up from stress.  I went and sat in a chair trying to breathe and not completely break down crying.  I'm not sure how long I was sitting there when Nico walked over and sat down next to me looking drained.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Hades no, I'm not okay.  My brother and roommate just tried to kill himself over an assault I didn't even know happened."  It was at that moment I lost the fight against throwing up and hurled into the trash can beside me.  Nico looked worried.

"Do I need to be worried about you too?" He asked.

"Stress reaction. I can't fully control it. I'm not going back to being bulimic." I said taking a moment to recover.

"Good," He replied almost automatically. 

"How are you fairing?" I asked.  He looked pretty bad.

"Like garbage.  I have no idea how to handle this.  Things never got this bad before." Nico said looking miserable.

Nico POV:

I was worse than awful.  The person I trusted and loved more than anyone was hurting so much he tried to die.  Looking up I was surprised to see Apollo.

"Apollo?"

"Dad?"

"Hey guys," He said with a very tired smile.  "Let's go get something to eat.  You can visit Will tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Kyle said.

"I couldn't possibly eat but, I'll join you," I said.  The idea of having to deal with food made me feel worse.  Apollo gave me an odd look.  We got up and walked to the bistro outside the hospital.

"How are you two doing?  I imagine walking in on Will like that was traumatic." He asked concerned.

"He wasn't much worse than his last big relapse but that was years ago.  I wasn't ready to see that again." Kyle said staring down at his sandwich.

"I'm just feeling numb," I said.

"Both of you should book an appointment with your therapists to talk about this."  Too bad my therapist dropped me.

"Yeah, I'll do that dad."

"I need to go talk to Will, Nico can you walk back with me?  I have something I need to discuss with you."  Apollo said.

"I'll see you later Kyle. Call if you need me."  

Once we were out of hearing range Apollo started, "I know about your anorexia."

"What?" I said not able to form any other reaction. I was so surprised.

"Nico, you're practically my son-in-law.  I keep just as close an eye on you as my kids.  I'm worried.  Your dad is worried as well."  He said full of concern

"I'll be fine.  It's Will you need to worry about," I said automatically.  I could barely think about myself with what was happening with Will.

"I'm capable of worrying about both of you.  Just because Will's problem looks more urgent doesn't make your problem any less deadly." He said seriously.

"It's not.  I'll be fine." I had to be.

"I know your therapist dropped you for refusing treatment." I just looked at him with a deer-in-the-headlights expression.  I didn't know what to say to that.  "I'll give you a little time to seek help, before I step in and do something about it."

That statement made me genuinely nervous, "As in?"

"Will isn't the only one who can be involuntarily committed."  My eyes widened in shock.  Was he serious? "As the god of medicine, I have full privileges at New Rome, including letting me commit someone.  I'm very serious about you getting help."

"I'm okay.  I don't need that."

"If you let this go much longer you will.  I need to go.  Think about what I said."

"Bye," I said as he left.

 

Notes:

TW: Vomiting, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt

Will attempts suicide after running into Nikki and giving her bubonic plague. Will is admitted on an involuntary 72 hr hold.

If any of you have any ideas of what you would like to see while Will is committed let me know!

Chapter 73: Day 1 Again

Notes:

I hope you all are well! Happy Thanksgiving!

Next Day

Nico POV:

I heard a knock at the door and was surprised to find Kyle.

"Hey, Kyle how are you doing?"  He looked kinda pale. I gestured him to come inside.

"Honestly I haven't been able to keep a thing down since finding Will."  Seeing my look of concern he continued.  "Don't worry.  I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow."

"If things get out of hand you can always talk to me."  I didn't want another friend of mine suffering.

"Thanks, but that isn't why I'm here.  I came to see if you were alright.  Beyond what was going on yesterday you didn't seem well.  Are you feeling okay?

Shit.  Someone else worried about me.  "I'm doing alright."  It had to be at that moment that my vision started to spot and I stumbled.  Kyle caught me and helped me sit on the couch.

"Dude, something is wrong.  Even my weak powers can tell that just by touching you."

"I just haven't had anything to eat today." I admitted hoping it could explain the situation.

Kyle narrowed his eyes as if he was examining something. "You're thin.  Really thin.  When was the last time you ate?"

The real answer 2 days ago. "Yesterday at dinner."

Kyle looked more serious.  "I can tell when someone tells me a direct lie.  I'm not Travis but my powers are still reliable.  When did you last eat?" He pushed.

I was caught.  If I answered the question Kyle would put two and two together so fast it would make my head spin.  "I'm fine,"

"Answer the damn question Nico!" Kyle said frustrated.

In a moment of frustration I said, "Two days ago, okay?  My doctor said I'm anorexic!  Is that what you wanted to hear?"  When my brain caught up to what I had said I slammed my hand over my mouth in shock.  I started seeing black spots again and swayed on the couch.

"Whoa, okay. It looks like you're about to pass out.  Lay down and let me get you some water.  Would you let me get you some food?" Kyle asked with understanding.

"Something small."  If I didn't eat something I was definitely passing out.

A few minutes later Kyle brought back some cheese and crackers along with a glass of water.  "Try to eat all of it.  Then we can talk,"  He said.  It wasn't much.  It was doable.

After eating the cheese and crackers I felt better. "I'm fine, Dr. Green and Dr. Adams got it wrong."

"You just nearly passed out, and said you last ate two days ago.  That isn't the definition of fine." Kyle said seriously.  "I wasted so much time trying to convince everyone I was fine when I was deep into my eating disorder.  All that got me was spending longer in the psych ward.  I'm assuming Will doesn't know."

"There is nothing to know.  My eating fell off after my quest that went horrifically wrong.  It's not a big deal, but if you could keep this whole conversation to yourself I would appreciate it,"  I insisted.

"I won't tell Will.  This is your medical information and not for me to share.  You should tell him though.  He knows something is wrong.  It's not like he wouldn't understand.  I unfortunately know what your mind is going through, and you're unlikely to get better without help."

"I don't need help." I further insisted.  This was one thing I could control.  I wasn't going to give that up.

"That is exactly what I said and exactly what Gracie said.  You're not any different from us when we needed help."

"It's not the same." It couldn't be.

"When your ready for help call me." Kyle said.

-----

Will's POV

The psych ward this time was so much worse. I had zero privacy. One of the staff members had to be able to see me at all times. I understand why it was like that but still, it sucked. One good thing about the ward being so busy was that Travis came down for my therapy sessions so I wouldn't have to switch therapists while in here.

"So let's talk about what happened yesterday," Travis said.

"How I tried to kill myself?" I said void of emotion. I felt so emotionally drained from yesterday. The idea of talking about it was depressing

"Yes, that exactly."

"I don't want to," I really didn't. What good was it to dwell on my worst decision ever?

"We need to talk about what happened and how we can ensure that it doesn't happen again.  After one attempt you are more likely to have a second. We need to amend your safety plan to try to encompass other triggers you might have." Travis said seriously.

"I ran into my rapist. I guess that is a trigger." I said crossing my arms frustrated. I wanted to go home.

"How did it feel to call her your rapist?" Travis said seeing the opportunity open to talk about the assault.

"Do we really need to talk about this?

"Yes. It's actively hurting you not talking about it. Yesterday you could have killed yourself over it." Travis said seriously

"I can see your point but I just don't feel up to it.  I feel sad and depressed, overwhelmed and tired from yesterday.  I'll talk about it but just not right now." I said feeling defeated.

"Okay, then let's talk more in depth about yesterday."

"What exactly about it?"

"How did the encounter with Nikki leave you feeling?"

"Terrified mainly.  It felt like this whole nightmare could happen again, and that I wasn't safe."

"Did that threat to your safety contribute to your actions?"

"I didn't feel like I could endure that again, so yes it did."  Gosh, this was depressing.

"Feeling unsafe is a trigger to add to your safety plan."

"Okay," I said numbly.

"Will," Travis said getting my attention. "Lets talk about how you're feeling since your attempt yesterday, and how you feel about yesterday's attempt.  Which do you want to tackle first?"

"How I feel about the attempt.  Let's start with that.  I'm ashamed.  I regret doing it.  I also feel bad that Kyle and Nico had to see me like that.  I want to go home." 

"You will get there.  I'm glad you regret it.  Do you feel like you would make an another attempt when you get out of here?"  He asked seriously.

"No, I just need to figure out how to deal with my feeling less destructively."  I had to figure out how to handle the assault, I just wasn't ready to face that particular monster.

"You have the tools to manage your feelings.  You just need the tools to handle the assault.  So how are you feeling?"

"Depressed and numb.  I can't believe what I almost did."

"That's a common reaction.  Hopefully we can figure out a better way to treat your depression."

"Can I go sleep?  I'm exhausted."

"Sure if you can find a staff member to watch you."

"Thanks"

 

 

 

Notes:

What did you all think about Kyle’s talk with Nico?

Chapter 74: Day 3: Apollo

Notes:

TW: Brief discussion of rape.

I'd spent the morning in therapy still avoiding talking in detail about my assault.  Was it so hard for people to leave alone? I knew I would have to talk about it eventually, but did it have to be days after I almost killed my assailant and myself.  My thoughts were interrupted by Travis coming over.

"Will, you have a visitor.  You can use the conference room to talk."

"There aren't visiting hours today. Who?"

Travis smirked, "I think you will find your visitor doesn't follow the rules well."  He said before walking off.  That had peaked my interest, so I walked over to the conference room.  Looking inside I was met with my dad.

"What are you doing here?" I asked surprised.

"I was hoping that you would feel up to talking today.  I understand that you were too overwhelmed right after to talk."  Apollo said patiently.

While ringing my hands I stood there nervously, "I guess we can talk,"

"Can I give you a hug?" Apollo asked.

"Yeah," I said.  After a moment of hugging we both broke apart and took seats.

Apollo looked haggard.  I had rarely seen his composure so broken. "What happened, kid?  I nearly lost you.  It was torture watching on Olympus being able to do nothing."

I couldn't bear to hold eye contact.  After having a few days to cool off I couldn't believe how far I went.  "Um..."  I was doing my best but failing at not tearing up.  It seemed everything in the last few days could make me cry.  "Since you didn't know about my drug use I doubt you know about this.  One night when I was out using and drinking I was drugged."  Apollo went from looking concerned to looking horrified. "Nikki Smith took advantage of that.  I'm not sure if she was the one who drugged me or not, but I imagine she was.  Someone helped me back to her room, and she... uh well you can put two and two together."  I then went on to explain the events of Friday.

"I'm so sorry that happened."  Apollo said and I saw a flash of anger for a moment before it was replaced with heartbreak.  "I'm glad Kyle was there at your apartment when you got back."

"Dad, I want to be alive.  I won't let her completely due me in, but I have no idea how to live with this." I said exasperated. I was just at the end of my rope.

"Have you tried talking about exactly what happened?  I know you have Travis.  Has he had any useful insights?"

"I haven't talked in detail about this to anyone.  The only people who know it even happened are Tiffany, Dr. Green, Travis, Nico, and I assume Kyle figured out I was... uh... you get what I'm trying to say."

"Will," Apollo looked serious.  "Have you been able to say out loud that you were raped?"

"No,"  I knew I was avoiding saying it because that would make it feel more real than it already was.

"You need to accept that it happened to get better."

"I feel that if I somehow accept it I will be saying that it was okay.  It will never be okay." I said starting to feel overwhelmed.

"Just because you start to heal doesn't make what happened to you any less horrific or wrong.  Healing is just about figuring out a way to move yourself forward and not being tortured by the memory."

"Is it even possible to heal from this?" I genuinely asked.  I felt like crying.  It felt like every feeling and emotion related to the assault was just getting worse.  I couldn't see how to get out of this mess.

"Yes it is very possible, but you need to start letting people help you." Apollo said sternly but also kindly.

"Is that the only way to get better?  Ignoring it seemed to work." I said wanting to go back to ignoring my trauma.

"You didn't put yourself in this position, but you need some help getting out.  There is nothing to be ashamed of for that."

"I was high and drunk. If I wasn't I wouldn't have gotten drugged and wouldn't be in this mess." I said burring my head in my hands.  This was one of the reasons I didn't want to talk about it.  I felt like I brought it on my self.

Apollo looked broken hearted. "You don't really believe that do you?" He said in disbelief.

"Of course I do!  How could it not be?!  I was the one who wasn't paying attention to my drink.  If I had just be paying attention I wouldn't have been raped!" I said crying.

"This wasn't your fault, Will.  You need to know that.  You didn't do anything to deserve this.  I can tell by the look on your face that you don't believe me.  This is something that therapy can help you with-getting the right perspective."

"I don't believe you, but thanks for trying to make me feel better." I said attempting a sad smile.

"I wish you believed me." I heard a crack of thunder. "Unfortunately that is my signal to leave.  I love you son."  He said as he gave me a hug goodbye.

-----

I finished my 72 hours and was sitting outside the psyche ward waiting for Nico because he said he would walk me back to the apartment.

"Nico!" I was so happy to see him.  The last few days had just been emotionally exhausting.

"Will!  How are you doing?" He said looking happy

"Good, I'm tired." 

"What do you want to do?" Nico asked.

"Go to one of our apartments and watch a movie."

"That sounds a great, but lets go to your apartment.  I think Kyle would be relieved to see you alive and well.  He has been worried."

"Sounds great." I said so happy to be walking out of the hospital.

 

Notes:

I’d love to know your thoughts!

Chapter 75: A knock at the door

Notes:

TW: Discussion of Rape

Eddie came in. "I'm sorry, Will. There is no time for pleasantries. We have maybe 45 minutes. Ingrid got a heads-up from her friend at the prosecutor's office. There is no nice way of breaking this to you, but you are going to be arrested for assault."

"What?! Who? How?!" I exclaimed.

"An anonymous concerned citizen overheard you in the ER saying you gave Nikki Smith the bubonic plague. This information was conveyed to Ms. Smith, and she is pressing charges."

I felt nauseous. The room started to spin, and I sprinted into the bathroom to vomit. After a few minutes, I came out of the bathroom cold and shaky. Eddie had taken a seat in the living room.

"So this is it?!" I had gotten over my shock and moved on to rage. "I'm losing my shot at a clean slate, because I lost my composure when my rapist implied she would do it again."

Eddie looked shocked at the sudden admission. Then he took on a dark look. "I've met you. I assumed there was more to the story. You haven't pressed charges have you?"

"No, I didn't want to go through a trial. I just wanted to forget it ever happened." I said realizing I had just told another person about the assault. Why couldn't this stay buried?

"You need to press charges now. Come on we will talk on the way." Eddie said getting up and gathering his coat.

"No, I'm not," I said although I realized at this point it was probably inevitable that this was going to come out.

Eddie turned to face me with compassion. "You don't have a choice unless you want jail time. If we put up the defense that you were reacting to a perceived threat that threat has to be real. The rape will come out in trial whether you want it to or not because I'm not about to let you sit in jail for this. The only way this defense is credible is if you file charges."

"Won't the senate be able to tell I'm not lying? Why do I need to press charges?"  Was there any way out of this?

"The senate will be able to tell that you believe what you are saying. That isn't the same thing as the truth. We need a separate trial to prove this even happened. Were you high the night of the assault?"

"Yes, and questions like that are the reason I didn't press charges. Who would believe me?" I said frustrated that I even had to explain this.

"Well if you don't get the senate to believe you now you are going to spend the rest of your probation time behind bars. That isn't even taking into account the extra time you are going to be sentenced for because of the assault. The final charges hadn't been filed by the time I was called. You could be looking at an attempted murder charge.  Let me do what I do best and defend you, but for me to do that you need to press charges, ideally before you are arrested."

No this wasn't happening.  I was going to be hauled before the senate and interrogated.  The best case scenario now was that everyone would know I was taken advantage of and therefore acquit me of the assault charges.  The worst case I would be convicted of attempted murder and be spending a lot of time behind bars.  This was a nightmare.

"Fine," I said grabbing my coat to head out the door.

"How does this work?" I asked once we were outside.

"How does what work?" Eddie responded.

"Pressing charges," I said flatly.  Even if I was doing this I wasn't happy about it.

"We are going to the prosecutor's office.  Once there we will talk to Sanders.  He is the lead prosecutor of all sex crime cases.  He is a good guy.  I haven't ever had a case against him, but I hear he is far more ruthless than Missy.  You will tell him your story, and that should be it."

"You haven't had a case against him?  I thought you were some high-profile defense attorney.  I figured you would have crossed paths with all of the prosecutors at some point."

"I don't defend rapists." He said with seriousness.  Lightening up he said, "I've gotten to a point in my career that I can choose my cases.  Except for cases like yours that are favors, I normally interview my clients to see if I will take their case or not.  Murder and assault can be justified, rape can't.  Even when I don't find the criminals I defend justified I believe in ensuring that people have proper counsel for pleading guilty.  Never in my life would I help a rapists get a lesser charge.  I just couldn't do that."

"Out of curiosity, do you not take the cases out of a general disgust for the crime or is it something more personal?"  I asked wondering.  He seemed rather passionate for someone who just had a professional disgust.

"Something more personal.  I've had a friend or two who have been hurt like that.  I have too much rage at that sort of crime to give a proper defense."

We continued the rest of the walk to the prosecutor's office in silence.  We approached the sectary and Eddie stated, "We need to see Sanders."

"Who may I ask are you?"

"Eddie Brown and William Soloace," I'm glad that Eddie was doing all of the talking.

"I'll let him know you are coming.  Go to the left, take the first right, then the second left."  She said before going back to whatever she was doing.  I was getting more nervous and apprehensive by the moment.  It was only another two minutes before Eddie was knocking on Sander's door.

"Come in," We heard through the door.  Sanders stood up and shook Eddie's hand after we entered the room. "So do I finally get to spar against New Rome's best defense attorney?" Sanders said with an easy smile.

"Not unless you change divisions.  I'm here as support for my client, Willam."

"Ah, hello. I'm Richard Sanders.  Everyone just calls me Sanders.  Take a seat.  How can I help you?" He said kindly.

"Um..." I said while wringing my hands.  I couldn't do this.

Eddie put a hand on my shoulder, "Hey, it's going to be okay." He told me before addressing Sanders.  "My client was assaulted and isn't too keen about pressing charges."

Sanders looked concerned, "I'm sorry that happened.  Why are you hesitant to press charges?"

"I don't want to go through a trial about this, but it doesn't seem like I am left with a choice," I said frustrated.

"You always have a choice. If it's your identity getting out is what you are worried about we have ways to protect your privacy." Sanders said.

"He doesn't have much choice.  Through a series of events, I'm sure he will explain, Will gave his rapist bubonic plague.  His rapist, Nikki Smith, is pressing charges.  Will hasn't been arrested for those charges, but I imagine they are coming.  We need Will to press charges, so I can give him a proper defense for his trial."  Eddie informed Sanders.

Sanders let out an audible deep breath.  "So that makes this one a little more complicated as far as privacy goes.  I can see what we can do, but I don't make any guarantees.  I know this is a hard thing to do but could you please tell me what happened all the way through the bubonic plague situation?"

Starting at the ground I responded, "Uh... Yeah. "

Sanders POV:

Every time I had to hear one of these stories it was heartbreaking.  Why in the world did people have to be so cruel to one another?  Will looked like he was maybe 20 and so broken.  I didn't want to have to hear another story, but that was my job.  I was here to get justice for people like Will, and I would make sure that it was done to the best of my abilities. "Can we start with what day this happened?  I assumed since you are in my office and not a hospital this didn't happen in the last few days."

"Yes, July 31" 

"Ok, continue."

Will still seemed to fold in on himself.  It took him a solid minute to build up the courage to start talking.  That wasn't uncommon.

"So I was out with some friends celebrating midterms being over.  We were getting high," Well at least he isn't leaving out the parts that could hurt the case. "We decided to go to the bar to keep partying.  I can't remember super clearly what happened after this.  My friend Eric said that I decided to stay at the bar when my friends left.  I'm pretty sure I was drugged because everything after that was so fuzzy.  Nikki Smith helped me back to her sorority house.  I could barely walk.  I remember being confused when we got to her sorority house.  I thought she was helping me get back to my dorm.  She said that she needed to get something from her room first.  I don't know why I went in with her.  I was clearly not with it.  Once we got into her room she..." Will covered his face with his hands.  By the way his shoulders were moving I could tell he was crying.  This was the worst part of my job.  If I could do it without having to make people relive their worst moments I would.

"Will, we can stop, and take a break," I said trying to make this any easier on him.

He took a shaky breath and somehow brought himself together. "No, I want this done.  She rape me.  I told her I didn't want to do this, and she did it anyway.  After that, I managed to go downstairs before passing out on the couch.  Skipping to how I gave her bubonic plague- I ran into her on the way to work the other day.  I was too panicked to really hear what she was trying to say to me. Then she kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear, 'Maybe we could have fun again sometime'.  I lost control of my powers and gave her the bubonic plague.  I didn't mean to.  I was scared."

"What happened after you gave her the bubonic plague?"

"I ran home and tried to commit suicide." He said in a small voice while staring at the floor.  I hated how dark my work got sometimes.

"Have you gotten any help?" I said.  I hated how many conversations I had that mimicked this one.

He looked up from the floor with a particularly dead look that I was all too familiar with in my line of work.  It was the look of someone who was so beyond done.  "I spent 3 days in the psych ward and have a therapist if that's what you're asking."

"There are also support groups for victims of sexual assault.  Also if you have a significant other there are support groups for them.  They typically talk about how they can best support you."  I said while handing him the information about the two groups.

"Um, I'll think about it."

"There are therapists who specialize in this if your current therapist isn't working well for you."  I wanted all of the people who came through my office to find the ability to heal.

"Is there anything else you need?" He seemed so tired.

"I need the name of the bar," I asked clinically.  I needed to detach myself from my work to do it properly

"Wishing Well,"

"Also are there any witnesses that can corroborate your story?" 

"I think there was another person who helped me back to the sorority house.  I can't really remember."

"Okay, I need a bit of time to gather evidence before we can make an arrest."

"How will this affect the charges Ms. Smith has brought forth?"  Eddie asked. 

"Since I would argue that these cases are related.  I will flag the case as related to mine and must be tried after mine.  Will may still be arrested and tried, but his trial will be after Ms. Smith's trial."

"Will, we have done everything we can do."  Both Eddie and Will stood up to leave, "Thank you for your time." Eddie said as he shook my hand.

"Not a problem. I'll get to work on this." I said as they left.

 

 

Chapter 76: The Trial of Nikki Smith

Notes:

TW: Discussion of rape

Nico POV:

I was not in the mood to sit through this trial.  Will was sitting in a holding cell waiting for his trial which would follow Nikki's.  I just wanted to get to the sentencing.  I knew testifying was going to be brutal on Will and just wanted him to get through it.  It wasn't fair that he had to do this, but Nikki stupidly decided to bring charges against Will.  This was the only way for him to be acquitted. Hazel's talking brought me back to the present.

"Nichole Smith, you are being charged with the rape of William Solace.  How do you plead?" Hazel said managing to mask her personal feelings.  I wasn't even bothering. I sent my harshest glare her way.  She had done something unforgivable, and I wasn't about to pretend to be neutral.  At least if she wasn't punished here her afterlife was going to be miserable. Hades guaranteed it.  

"Not guilty," Nikki responded.  You could hear a pin drop.  Almost no one pleaded not guilty.  The room didn't erupt in red light indicating a lie.  What was going on?

Hazel couldn't hide her shock and seemed at a loss as to what to do next.  After a moment she recovered. "Alright, we will move on to the trial."

Nikki's defense attorney stood up, "First the defense would like to make the motion for Mr. Ambassator, Nico di Angelo, to have his vote removed.  We also motion for both praetors to be removed from judging the case."

Frank was the one to speak next, "On what grounds?"

"Mr. Ambassator is the boyfriend of Mr. Solace, and both praetors have a close relationship with Mr. Soloace." The defense attorney stated.

"Mr. Ambassator would you like to step down or should there be a vote?" Frank said.

"I'll step aside but not leave the senate chambers." The courtroom was sealed for Will's privacy, so no spectators were allowed.  It was my right to be here, and I wasn't planning on leaving.  Will could use someone who was here for him.  I knew I needed to step aside.  I wasn't going to listen to the evidence objectively.  In my mind, she was already guilty regardless of what the magic room lights said.  I believed Will.  I had too strong a sense of justice to vote when I knew I was this biased.

"Praetor Levesque, will you step aside?"

"Yes," She said.  I could see her irritation.  She wasn't happy.  Her sense of justice wouldn't let her do this either.

"Praetor Zange, will you step aside?" Hazel asked.

"No, I would put it to a vote to the senate.  Just because I am friends with Mr. Solace doesn't erase my ability to hold an objective trial."  I was impressed by Frank's ability to act objectively. 

"All those opposed to Praetor Zange's presiding over this trial please vote."

Very few people held up their hands.

"Motion denied," Hazel said before sitting by me in the gallery.

"Prosecution you may call your first witness," Frank said.

"William Soloace," Sanders announced.  Someone exited the senate chamber and reappeared with Will a moment later.  He looked pale and definitely didn't want to be doing this.  He approached the witness chair and sat down.

"To the best of your abilities please recount all relevant details about the event in question on the night of July 31st." Sanders asked.

Will took a shakey breath.  I knew he hadn't even fully discussed this in therapy, and now he had to tell the entire senate what happened. "On the night of July 31st, I was out with friends getting high." I could see his jaw visibly tense.  This wasn't going to be easy for him.  "Afterward we decided to go to the Wishing Well.  The night becomes muddled from there.  My friends left after a bit, and I decided to stay.  I believe that someone slipped something into my drink.  I wasn't drunk, and this didn't mimic the feeling of being high.  Nichole Smith offered me help getting back to my dorm room.  She and one other person helped me out of the bar and we started walking back toward the direction of my dorm.  Soon we stopped at a sorority house.  Nichole said that she needed to get something inside.  I don't remember how I ended up in her room."  Will stopped talking.  It was clear that he was having a problem continuing.  From where I was I could see the tears forming.

"Mr. Solace, please continue,"  Sander said after a minute.

"Right, uh..." Come on Will you can do this. "She pushed me on the bed and said that 'she had always wanted to know what I was like in bed.'  I told her that I wasn't interested and tried to get up.  She pushed me down again and the room started to spin.  I continued to try to push her off with no success. She then proceeded to rape me.  Afterward, when she had fallen asleep I managed to leave her room only to collapse on the couch downstairs.  The drugs were still in my system, and I believe I passed out."

"I would like to enter Evidence 1A into the court proceedings.  The CCTV footage of the Wishing Well on the night in question.  The video clearly shows someone who was not Mr. Soloace or a bartender handling his drink.  The person in question was Ms. Smith.  This seemed to be a likely time when she could have slipped something into his drink."

"Objection, calls for speculation."

"Sustained," Frank said.

"Mr. Soloace, have you had any previous interactions with Ms. Smith?"  Sanders asked

"We shared a psychology class.  She had previously asked me out on a date, and I said no."

"Nothing further."

"Defense you may ask questions of the witness,"  Frank said.

The defense attorney got up. "Mr. Solace did you make it a habit of getting high?

Sanders looked appalled by the question, "Objection! Relevance,"

The defense attorney merely said, "Withdrawn,"

"Repharashing, do you commonly put yourself in situations where your awareness is compromised?"

"Not anymore,"  I could tell Will was bothered by the question

"Did you at the time?"

"Yes,"

"Would it be common for you to ask someone to watch your drink if you weren't paying attention?"

"Yes..."  I didn't like where this was going.

"Since you and Ms. Smith knew each other wouldn't it stand to reason that the reason she was holding your drink was because you asked her to watch it?"

"I don't have any memory of asking anyone to hold my drink," Will said clearly irritated.

"Isn't it possible that the issue you have with your memory of that night could have been caused by drinking and whatever substance you used to get high?"

"Objection, calls for speculation,"

Frank agreed, "Sustained,"

"No further questions,"

"Prosecution your next witness,"

"Heather White,"

Soon a tall girl with blond hair entered the courtroom.

"Please recall all information to the best of your ability of what happened on July 31 with regards to Nichole Smith and Willam Soloace."

"Sure, I was the sober sister for my sorority that night."

"And what does that mean?" Sanders asked.

"I was on call to help any of my sorority sisters that needed help getting home safely." She stated.

"Continue,"

"I received a call about 10 pm from Nichole saying her boyfriend got really drunk, and she needed help getting him to somewhere safe.  She stated that he could just sleep it off in her room since it was closer to the bar."

"Was it common to have boys sleep over in the sorority house?"

"It wasn't supposed to be, but I knew plenty of girls who had a boy sleep in their rooms every once in a while."

"So this didn't strike you as strange?"

"No,"

"What happened when you got to the bar?"

"I was met with Nichole trying to hold up a boy I hadn't met before.  He seemed very out of it."

"Would you say that he had the ability to consent to anything?"

"No, he seemed so drunk."

"What happened next?"

"I helped Nichole get him to her room, and that is the last I saw of them."

"No more questions," Sanders said as he sat down.

"Defense has no questions,"

"Prosecution rests,"

"Defense would like to call Nichole Smtih to the stand." The defense attorney stated.  "Nichole to the best of your abilities please recall the night of July 31st."

"I went to the Wishing Well and started casually drinking.  I saw William Soloace at the bar and he didn't seem to be all that with it.  I didn't see anyone with him so offered to get him back to a safe place where he could sleep it off.  I then called Heather to help me get him back to the sorority house."

"Did you and Mr. Soloace have sex that night?"

"Yes," 

"Did you rape Mr. Solace?"

"No!"  She seemed offended by the question and I couldn't figure out why the room wasn't calling her a liar.

"No more questions,"

Sander got up to question Nikki and didn't look as bothered by the lack of red lights as I was.

"Ms. Smith, do you believe that women have the possibility of raping men?"

"No,"  That explained everything.  The room could only detect lies if the person speaking knew it was a lie.

"Ms. Smith, did you add drugs to Mr. Soloace's drink?"

"I wanted him to be more receptive to talking to me." She said starting to get nervous.

"So you admit you drugged him?"

She was getting flustered. "Uh, yes,"

"Were you concerned about his ability to give consent?"

"Uh..." She didn't seem to know what to say to that.

"Ms. Smith answer the questions."

She looked down at her lap and refused to look up, "No,"

"Did Mr. Solace say something to the effect of no when you tried to have sex with him?"

"Yes," She seemed very uneasy.

"You forced yourself onto him despite his resistance and protest?"

"Yes," She whispered.

"Speak up," Sanders insisted.

"Yes," She repeated at full volume.

"No more questions,"

"Defense rests,"  The defense attorney said knowing this case was a lost cause.

"Does the prosecution have the final charges prepared?" Frank asked.

"Ms. Smith is charged with the drugging and rape of William Solace," Sanders said

"How do you plead?"

"Guilty," She mumbled.

"Defensee you may make your closing arguments," Frank said.

There seemed to be some talk between the defense attorney and Nikki.  Then finally the defense attorney stood up and started, "My client did something horrible.  She would like to beg for leniency consider she did not know what she was doing was a crime."  Then the defense attorney sat down.

There were quite a few senators who couldn't hide their disgust.

"Prosecution what are your recommended charges for the senate to consider and modify as they deem necessary?" Frank asked.

"15 years in jail."

"Defense and prosecution may exit the floor," Frank said and everyone was dismissed.  Frank came over to Hazel and me and we left the senate chambers.

"So how do you think that went?" I asked Frank.

"I'm sure she will be punished," Frank.

"I hope this trial was enough to get the charges against Will dropped," I stated. 

"I hope so.  This entire situation is so unfair to Will.  He shouldn't be held responsible for something he did out of fear by accident.  The senate can usually see reason even if the prosecution can't." Hazel said.

All that was left to do was wait.

Notes:

I'm back and happy to hear from you all. If you haven't messaged in a while know that I do think about you and hope you are well.

Chapter 77: The Trial of William Solace

Notes:

TW discussion and brief description of rape.

Will's POV:

It was relatively early when I heard a knock on the door and found two legion members standing there. I internally groaned. This had to be about Nikki. I guess Hazel didn't come to arrest me this time.

"Are you William Solace?"  One of the legion members asked.

"Yes,"

"You are under arrest for the attempted murder of Nichole Smith."  Hearing that felt like all of the air was knocked out of me.  I don't even remember getting cuffed or walking to the senate-holding chambers.  I didn't come out of my dissociative state until Eddie tried to talk to me.

"Kid, are you with me?" He said from outside the holding cell.

"What? Uh... yeah."

"So, Nikki's trial is before yours.  She is in the other corridor of holding cells.  You will wait here until you are called to testify and then will come back here."

Ignoring what Eddie said I asked the question I really wanted to know the answer to, "How likely is it that I will be convinced of attempted murder?"

"I'm not sure.  It depends on how Nikki's trial goes.  It may be lessened to assault.  It may be dropped altogether."

Hearing that I could still have some consequences for this made my breath instantly quicken.  I couldn't do this.  I was the victim here, and if I was jailed and had my whole future stolen from me. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with that.

"Try to calm down.  I know what you are looking at is daunting but nothing, has been decided yet.  This trial will show that you acted in self-defense.  You need to stay focused on the present and not get caught up in your fears about the future.  What you do now will set the course of your future.  You need to be level-headed.  The prosecutor is Qwen Williams.  She is fair. I've never seen her support an unjust charge."

I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling wishing for this all to go away.  It reminded me too much of my first trial when I thought my life was over.  I started rubbing my wrists without realizing it.  Once I caught myself I stopped.  I didn't need to resort to that.  Things were going to be fine.  It had to be.

"William Solace?" A new voice asked.

Standing up I replied, "That's me."

He unlocked the cell and said, "Please follow me.  You have been called as a witness in Nichole's trial."

"Not sentencing trial?" I asked.

"No, she plead not guilty."  I was shocked by this.

"Wasn't her lie called out in court?"

"She must not have lied,"  He said casually.  This shook me something awful.  How could that not be a lie?  I was there.  I said no...  Didn't I?  Soon I found myself on the witness stand of Nikki's trial.

"To the best of your abilities please recount all relevant details about the event in question on the night of July 31st." Sanders asked.

I could do this.  I had to do this. "On the night of July 31st, I was out with friends getting high." Damn, how many times was I going to have to say that sentence?  "Afterward we decided to go to the Wishing Well.  The night becomes muddled from there.  My friends left after a bit, and I decided to stay.  I believe that someone slipped something into my drink.  I wasn't drunk, and this didn't mimic the feeling of being high."  I needed them to know I didn't do this to myself.  Even if I believed that this was my fault in the end.  "Nichole Smith offered me help getting back to my dorm room." Oh, why did I say yes?  "She and one other person helped me out of the bar and we started walking back toward the direction of my dorm.  Soon we stopped at a sorority house.  Nichole said that she needed to get something inside.  I don't remember how I ended up in her room."  I started having flashbacks.  Nikki was everywhere touching me in ways... I couldn't do this.

"Mr. Solace, please continue,"  Sander said snapping me back to reality.  I had to get through this, or my future was over.

"Right, uh... She pushed me on the bed, and said that 'she had always wanted to know what I was like in bed.'  I told her that I wasn't interested and tried to get up." I said no. I know I did.  "She pushed me down again, and the room started to spin.  I continued to try to push her off with no success. She then proceeded to rape me." I internally cringed and shut down.  I couldn't feel like this anymore.  "Afterward, when she had fallen asleep I managed to leave her room only to collapse on the couch downstairs.  The drugs were still in my system, and I believe I passed out."

Sanders said something, and I mentally was checked out until he said my name. "Mr. Soloace, have you had any previous interactions with Ms. Smith?"  Sanders asked

"We shared a psychology class.  She had previously asked me out on a date, and I said no."  She seriously had some gall.  She asked me out with Nico standing two feet away.

"Nothing further," Sander said,

"Defense you may ask questions of the witness,"  Frank said.

The defense attorney got up. "Mr. Solace did you make it a habit of getting high?

Sanders said something.  I think it was an objection.

The defense attorney merely said, "Withdrawn,"  At least I didn't have to answer that question.  Not like I cared at this point.

"Repharashing, do you commonly put yourself in situations where your awareness is compromised?"

"Not anymore,"  Why did it matter?

"Did you at the time?"

"Yes," I was so checked out I didn't even feel the shame I normally would have.

"Would it be common for you to ask someone to watch your drink if you weren't paying attention?"

"Yes..."  I suppose I would have asked Nico if he had been there.

"Since you and Ms. Smith knew each other wouldn't it stand to reason that the reason she was holding your drink was because you asked her to watch it?"

"I don't have any memory of asking anyone to hold my drink," My emotions woke up with a vengeance.  I wanted to shout that she drugged my drink! Stop making it look different than it was!

"Isn't it possible that the issue you have with your memory of that night could have been caused by drinking and whatever substance you used to get high?"

"Objection, calls for speculation,"

Frank agreed, "Sustained,"

"No further questions,"  The defense attorney said.  Then I was walked back to my cell.

After my brief internal explosion of anger, I went back to being numb.  Even the news she was found guilty and sentenced to 15 years didn't change that.  I was still facing an attempted murder charge.  I sat in my cell for another hour before Eddie showed back up and said, "It's time."  We entered the senate chamber and everything was just as it was for my previous trial except there was Qwen instead of Missy.

Hazel gave me a pitying look and then started, "William Solace, you are being charged with the attempted murder of Nichole Smith.  How do you plead?

"I would like an explanation of the charges." I knew what attempted murder was.  I wasn't guilty, but I took Eddie's advice from the last trial and asked.

"A willful action intended to kill the opposite party.  In this case Ms. Smith."

"Not guilty," I stated firmly.  I didn't do that.

"Moving on to the trial does the prosecution or defense have any opening motions?"  The room was silent so we moved on.

"Prosecution you may call your first witness."

"Annabell Yale."  A girl I barely recognized came forth to sit on the witness chair. "Ms. Yale, can you please describe the interaction of Ms. Smith and Mr. Solace on Nov. 13?"

"Nichole and I were walking to class from our sorority house when we ran into William.  Nikki, I mean Nichole started talking to William and whispered something in his ear and kissed him. Then there was some green mist, and William ran away as fast as he could."

"How was Ms. Smith after this encounter?"  Qwen asked.

"She seemed ill almost immediately.  She started coughing and then insisted that she would go back to the house to rest."

"No further question."

Hazel signaled to Eddie, "Defence, your witness."

"How did William seem during this exchange?"

"He seemed nervous and startled."

"Was he participating in the conversation?"

"Now that you ask, no he wasn't."

"Did he seem afraid of Ms. Smith?"

"I couldn't say. Possibly."

"No further questions."

"Prosecution calls Zander Smith to the stand."  Who the hell was this guy?

"Zander Smith, please state for the record what your occupation is?"

"Lab-Tech," This didn't clear up anything.

"And where do you work?"

"New Rome's Medical Facility's Lab,"

"What did you overhear William Smith talking about in the ER on November 13th?"

"Praetors may the prosecutor and I approach?" Eddie said.

"Yes," Hazel responded.  Qwen and Eddie went over to the praetor's chairs and started discussing something. I couldn't make out what they were saying.  After a minute everyone went back to where they were.

"No more questions for the witness,"  Qwen said.

"No question from the defense," Eddie said.

"What was that about?" I whispered to Eddie as the prosecution seemed to be reviewing some notes.

"Zander was the person who overheard you say that you gave Ms. Smith bubonic plague.  I had this line of questioning stopped due to medical privacy protection."

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Prosecution calls Nichole Smith to the stand."  A moment later Nikki was led in in chains.

"Ms. Smith, what happened on November 13th with William Soloace and afterward?" Qwen asked.

"Annabell and I were walking to class, and that is when I saw William.  I tried talking to him, but he didn't really respond.  After we talked I felt awful.  I went back to the house where I started getting sicker and sicker.  Soon an ambulance showed up at our door, and I was told I had bubonic plague and needed medical care right away."

"No more questions."

"Did you rape William Solace?"  Eddie asked.

"Objection, relevance," Gwen said.

"Speaks to the possible mental state of the defendant when encountering Ms. Smith."

"Overruled. Answer the question," Hazel said.

"Um, yes." Nikki awkwardly stated.

"No further question," Eddie said before sitting down

"The prosecution calls William Solace to the stand." I had to hold in an auditable groan.  I was so done with all of this.  I just wanted to go home.

"Did you give Nichole Smith bubonic plague?"

"Yes,"

"No further questions,"

Eddie approached, "Please tell us in detail what happened on November 13th."

"I was walking to work when I ran into Nichole and Annabell.  Nichole was talking, and I couldn't make out what she was saying because I was so alarmed.  After a bit, she kissed me and whispered in my ear 'Maybe we could have fun again sometime'.  I was terrified because she was referring to when she raped me.  I was afraid she was going to try to do it again.  I lost control of my powers and gave her the bubonic plague."

"Was this an accident?"

"Yes,"

"No further questions,"

"Prosecution has follow-up questions,"  Gewn stated.

"Go ahead," Frank said.

"If you gave Ms. Smith the bubonic plague by accident why didn't you call an ambulance?"

"I wasn't in a clear state of mind.  When I ran away from Nichole I went home and tried to commit suicide." I could feel myself start to panic, and it felt like my throat started to close.  "I... I was afraid she was going to rape me again, and I couldn't handle that thought or possibility." I said while starting to cry.

Gwen paused in her questions to give me a moment to compose myself.

"Was your intention at the time of attacking Ms. Smith to kill her?"

"I didn't have any intentions to do anything.  It was an accident.  I was scared."  I was trying to keep it together because at this point I was reliving the bone-deep, terrifying, all-consuming fear that Nikki could do this again.  I had to remind myself that she was going away for a long time.

"No further questions,"

"Prosecution rests," Qwen stated.

"Defense rests,"

"Does the prosecution have the final charges prepared?" Hazel asked.

Qwen seemed to be sifting through her notes.

"Does the prosecution have the final charges prepared?" Hazel asked again.

"No, may we have a brief recess?" Qwen asked.

"Recess grated for 10 minutes," Frank stated.

It was possibly the longest 10 minutes of my life.  I looked at Nico who gave me an encouraging smile that did nothing to lessen the knot in my stomach.  The longer the recess went on the more sure I was that something bad was going to happen.

After 10 agonizing minutes, Frank started again. "Does the prosecution have the final charges prepared?"

"After hearing the testimony of both parties the prosecution would like to drop the case," Qwen stated.

"Then case dismissed," Hazel said with a smile.

I felt like all the air was knocked out of me and I was in shock.

"Congratulations, I unfortunately have other cases to attend to. I hope this is the last time we meet." He said as he shook my hand.

"I hope so too," I said still unbelieving that everything was going to be okay.

Nico came over and hugged me. I melted into it.  It finally felt like I was going to be okay.

-----

Hours later at the prison

Zander walked into the visitation room.

"Hi," Nikki said sadly.

"I'll make him pay for this," Zander said angrily.

"Don't brother, I'm in enough trouble." She said quickly looking around to see if anyone heard.

"I won't involve you, but he doesn't get to try to kill you and get away with it." He said seething.

Notes:

Let me know your thoughts!

Chapter 78: Kyle’s Visit

There was a knock at my door way too early. "Kyle? Why are you here so early?" I was so not in the mood for this.

"There are some questions I wanted to ask you that I didn't last time.  Are you okay you look awful?"

This was so not what I wanted right now, "I have the stomach flu.  I haven't held anything down in two days."

"Why haven't you had Will look at you?" Kyle asked coming into my apartment.

"I don't want to bother him," I said.

"Remember, if you tell me a direct lie I can tell," Kyle said looking through his backpack.

"Okay," I said frustrated with this.  "I'm afraid if he looks at my health he will come to the same conclusion Dr. Green and Dr. Adams came to, and I don't need that.  So what did you want to ask?"

"Do you still have someone who is giving you regular physicals?"

I wasn't sure where this line of questioning was going, but I didn't like it. "No, Dr. Green dropped me as a patient for non-compliance, so I don't have to see Dr. Adams anymore.  Why?"

"At the risk of you getting very mad at me, I refuse to let your eating disorder kill you.  You need someone to look after your health, because you clearly aren't capable of doing such right now.  So unless you physically throw me out, which I doubt you can do in your current state, I'm giving you a physical to see how much damage you have done to yourself.  Also, you need immediate medical attention for that stomach flu."

"First of all, I don't have an eating disorder.  Second, I'm too tired to fight you on the rest so I won't."

"Great.  Things will be a lot easier if you don't fight me.  Sign this and sit." Kyle said while handing me a form.

Gosh, I didn't have the mental bandwidth for this right now, "What am I signing?" I said as I sat on the couch noticing that Kyle's backpack was filled with medical supplies.

"A form that lets me have access to your medical file, so I can compare how you are doing now to your last physical."

"No, my medical files also include my psychiatrist's notes and that is way too personal."

"Fine," He said while writing something on the form. "There it specifically only covers your last physical.  Happy?"

"Fine," I said knowing that signing this was faster than fighting.  I just didn't have the strength to argue at the moment.

"It shouldn't take me very long to get the values I need."  Kyle did a few things that I didn't know the purpose of besides the blood pressure cuff and scale.  I could tell whatever he was seeing he didn't like.

"Are you done yet?" I said frustrated.

"Yeah, you need to go to the hospital." He said seriously.

"No," I was not doing this.  I was fine.

"Your blood pressure is dangerously low.  It's not even really about your eating disorder.  You need an IV and some IV nutrients.  You need some source of fuel.  If you can't eat anything you need to get it some other way.  Normally you would be fine, but since you have such little fat reserves, your body is going to start consuming your muscles for energy and that is bad.  This could hurt your heart."

"I don't want to go to the hospital.  Is there anything you can do here?"  I could at least recognize that my stomach flu needed to be treated.

"Not without Will.  If he could cure your stomach bug you could recover by eating and an IV."

"Can you just give me an IV an call it a day?" I said tired.

"An IV is a good start, but that still doesn't solve the problem that you are not getting nutrition."

It was then that we heard the front door unlock, and Will walked in.

"I seem to have walked into the middle of something.  Care to tell me what's going on?"  He said while looking between Kyle and me.  I was just glad that Kyle had put the scale away at this point.

Kyle gave me a stare that said he wasn't going to explain, so I needed to.  I appreciated that he was respecting my privacy.  I sighed, "Kyle thinks I should go to the hospital because I haven't been able to keep anything down in two days."

Will look surprised and hurt, "Why didn't you tell me you were sick?"

"I didn't want to bother you,"  Kyle sent me the side eye.

"It's no problem. Sit. I'll heal you"  I had to consciously focus on keeping my breathing steady.  If Will saw me panic he would defiantly know something was up.  I sat and hoped that he would only be able to sense the stomach bug.  Will put his hand to my head.  His forehead creased in concentration.

"Are you sure that it's only been two days?  Your lab valves are a little wonky."  Will asked concerned.

"Yeah, other than that I have been fine."  He didn't need to know the diagnosis I was getting from everywhere.

"I've cured you, but I'm going to insist that you have an IV.  I'll go get the stuff.  You also need to be able to eat something, or I'm also going to say you need to go to the hospital."  Will said seriously.  I knew I wouldn't be able to argue my way out of that one with Will.  "I'm going to work on making you some soup."  Will after searching through my kitchen and finding nothing said, "What do you eat?  I can't find anything.  I'm going shopping.  You need to rest and recover while I'm gone."  A moment later he left.

Kyle had just been staring at what was Will rushing around.  Once he left he said, "You should really tell him what is going on.  He wouldn't judge you.  He might be able to help."

"There is nothing to tell." I insisted.

"I won't tell Will because that is your personal medical information, but you should really consider it.” He said before leaving.

 

 

Notes:

I hope you are all doing well! Nico was so close to being discovered by Will! What do you think of the chapter? Do you think Nico will come around?

Chapter 79: Going to Therapy- Need Some Help

Notes:

Happy New Years!

I was trying to psyche myself up to talk to Travis.  Kyle and Nico had managed to talk sense into me.  I needed to start talking about the assault before it did more damage.  I think seeing how freaked out they were by my attempt was what pushed me to decide to talk about it.  About halfway to Travis's office, I turned around.  I couldn't do this, at least not alone.  I went to Nico's apartment.

Knock, knock, knock.  Nico opened the door a moment later.  He didn't look like he had fully recovered from the stomach flu, but after I cured him I couldn't find anything else that couldn't be attributed to that.

"Hey, shouldn't you be on your way to therapy?"  Nico said looking concerned.  I was rubbing my wrist out of nervous habit when Nico reached out and stopped me. "Are you okay?"  He said knowing that it was a warning sign of possible worse things to come.

"Yeah... um... Canyoucomewithmetotherapy?" I said in a rush.  I wasn't good at asking for help even when I knew I would be better off with it.

"What was that?" He asked.

Taking a calming breath I started again, "Can you come with me to therapy?"

Nico looked a little tense at this. "Why?"

"I know I have to talk about the assault, but I don't want to.  I thought it might be easier to do if I didn't have to do it alone"

Nico's expression sofened. "Of course I'll come with you. Let me grab my coat."  A moment later we were headed to Travis's office.  "Is there something specific you are worried about?"

"Well the trial is over, and she can't hurt me anymore."

"That wasn't what I asked."

"I'm afraid that remembering it will mean reliving it.  During the trial, I fell back into a small flashback.  That bothered me enough.  I don't want to relieve the whole thing.  I think that would break me further than I already have been." I said nervously.

Nico looked worried. "Travis knows what he's doing.  This is going to help.  You don't have to get through everything in one session.  Dr. Green helped me break apart the trauma due to the quest.  I wasn't able to talk about it in one go either."

"Are we ever going to talk about what happened on that quest?  I know it put you in a bad spot."

Nico's POV

I couldn't look at Will if I had to talk about this, "I know I implied that I would talk to you about it eventually."

"It's okay if it is still too much," Will said understanding.

"I want you to know.  It's just a lot to talk about."  I said before taking a deep breath, "Cindy, Mitchel, and Penny went with me to retrieve some demigods.  There were three of them Tom, Ashley, and Gwen.  Ashley and Gwen didn't believe us when we told them the truth so we had to try to catch them later at a party.  Turns out the party was in a monster house.  Tom believed us and went with us to the party.  Tom and Ashley were tortured to death in front of Mitchel, Cindy, and myself.  I was strung out on empousa venom, so I couldn't do anything about it.  Monsters raped Cindy.  Penny was dead on the front lawn, before I could get us out of there.  I still haven't contacted Tom and Ashley's ghosts to see if they are at peace. There was no funeral rites." I had to focus on not getting sucked into a memory.

"I'm so sorry that happened.  How are Cindy and Mitchel doing?" 

"Mitchel had to drop out for a while but is returning to college in the spring.  I haven't talked to him personally since the quest.  We all ended up in a bad place and being around each other was hard.  Cindy is recovering with therapy."  

"How are you doing?" That was a loaded question.

"I'm coping okayish. My PTSD is doing better than it was.  I can at least identify when I'm having a flashback."

"How is your depression doing? I know that you took the diagnosis hard at the time."  I took a steadying breath before answering.  My depression had gotten bad, but I hadn't really told anyone that.  Will had enough to worry about without having to add myself to the list.  I couldn't straight up lie to him though.

"Not so great.  Some days are worse than others."  Will gave me a look that indicated he thought I was underselling it.

"Has it gotten as bad as it was after the breakup?" He said with a small wince.

"No,"  Thank goodness.  The exhaustion and apathy was enough to deal with without wanting to hurt myself.

"Are you still going to therapy?" Ugh, why did he have to ask that? Now it's going to start a whole other conversation about why I'm not in therapy.  Will didn't need to get concerned like everyone else did when they found out I wasn't eating that much.  What if he thinks I need to be committed? Slow down, and breathe.  Will doesn't know anything because there is nothing to know.

"I'll take your silence as you aren't in therapy." I hadn't realized that I had been lost in my own thoughts for so long.

"Yeah,"

"Why did you drop out of therapy if you are still struggling with your depression?" Will asked nonjudgementally. 

"Dr. Green and I had a difference of opinion for treatment."

"What difference?"  This was not the conversation I wanted to be having.

“Would you mind if we didn’t discuss this?  It’s a little too personal.”

Will looked like he wanted to push, but then said, “I’ll respect your privacy.”

We walked the rest of the way in silence.

 

 

 

Notes:

So thoughts on the story? Still holding interest? Is there anything you want to see in Will’s therapy session?

Chapter 80: Talking about the Assault Part 1

Notes:

TW: Will has his therapy session discussing his rape.

Will's POV

“Would you mind if we didn’t discuss this?  It’s a little too personal.”  What could be too personal for us to discuss?

Alarms were ringing somewhere faintly in my head.  It's like there was a picture I couldn't quite put together.  Nico wasn't one to drop out of therapy; he did over some differences with his therapist.  He also hadn't found another, despite his admission that his depression wasn't going well.  I wanted to ask more questions, but it seemed best to leave it for now.  “I’ll respect your privacy.” I reluctantly said.

I could see the New Rome Medical Facility, and I was internally freaking out.

Entering Travis's office just brought more nerves, "Hello, Will.  I see you brought Nico with you." Travis said with a smile.

"I wanted some extra support," I said rather nervously. "Is this okay?"

"I think it's a step in the right direction that you realized you could benefit from someone's help and asked for it.  If Nico being here helps of course it's okay.  Please have a seat." He said gesturing to the couch across from his desk.  When we sat down I held Nico's hand and nessled into his side to try to calm myself down.

"So you sent me an IM yesterday evening saying you wanted to try to talk about the assault.  Do you still want to do that?"

"Yes," I needed to stop letting this ruin my life.

"Before we start there are some things I want to go over.  If things get to be too much we can always stop and take a break.  If at any point you mentally start gravitating towards self-harm or suicidal thoughts I want you to tell me.  That doesn't mean we have to stop but we might need to change directions.  This process is meant to help you heal not cause more damage.  If things start going mentally south for you will you use your safety plan?"

"Yes," I wanted to get better.

"Alright then.  We don't have to do this chronologically if you don't want to.  You can start with whatever part of this you want to."

"I think I want to start in order, so everything started at the bar.  I was having a good time that evening and had just finished a beer with Eric a little while ago.  I'd taken about an hour to drink the beer, and my high was starting to wear off when my friends left.  I was having a good time and didn't feel like calling it a night so I decided to stay out.  There was some commotion in the bar that drew my attention.  I can't quite remember what it was now.  I think that a bartender or waiter tripped and dropped a tray of drinks.  I remember wanting to go over and see that she was alright and offer my assistance.  In the end decided that I wasn't sober, so that wasn't a good idea.  After this, things start getting foggy and my memory doesn't seem clear. I think that is when Nikki drugged me.

"By the time Nikki offered to walk me home I was pretty out of it." I shuddered remembering how vulnerable that drug had made me.  "Heather and Nikki walked me to the sorority house.  It didn't even click that I wasn't going to my dorm room until I was in Nikki's bedroom.  I vaguely remember some excuse about her needing to get something.  I have some blank spots in my memory of the evening.  The next thing I can remember is her pushing me onto the bed and straddling me saying she 'had always wanted to know what I was like in bed, and I deserved to know what it was like to be with a woman."  I wanted to vomit.  Nico looked a little green as well as appalled.

"I tried to shove her off. I swear." I insisted looking at Nico wanting to reassure him that I wanted nothing of the sort.

"I know honey.  You don't have to defend anything to me.  This wasn't your fault." Nico said understanding that I needed him to believe I didn't want this.

I had started to shake a little and was silent for a while.  The memories were starting to get overwhelming.  "Will are you okay to continue?"  Travis asked trying to get me to start engaging back in conversation.

"Can we take like a ten-minute break?" I asked.  I needed some fresh air.

"Of course.  Just come back in when you're ready.  Your time slot goes for another hour so we have plenty of time."  When I had told Travis that I wanted to try talking about it he had recommended a double-length session.  I was really glad for the extra time.

A minute later Nico and I were outside.  After a minute of quiet where I was just picking at the grass, Nico asked, "How are you doing?"

"Pretty bad, but not as bad as I feared."  I had at least made it through this far and hadn't had a full meltdown.  I was starting to stop shaking.

"Anything I can do to make it better?"  He asked kindly.

"No, I figured I would feel more relief that she was put away.  I'm glad she can't do it again.  Since she didn't think she raped me she was probably going to do it again to some other poor guy when she couldn't get her way." I said bitterly. "I wish there was some kind of punishment that felt more right.  She is losing 15 years, probably less with good behavior, but I lost my sense of safety.  That can't be restored by her going to prison.  There isn't anything that she can pay that undoes the damage she did."  The look of pity that Nico was giving me just made everything feel worse.

"I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but her afterlife isn't going to be a nice one.  I talked to my dad about making sure she was punished even if you didn't press charges.  I couldn't stand the idea of someone hurting you like that and nothing being done.  I hope you aren't mad that I told Hades.  I figured he would find out when she faced judgment, so I wasn't sharing anything he wouldn't find out eventually." 

"You haven't told anyone else right?" I needed to know if my privacy had actually been violated.

Nico look appalled, "I would never share that information without an insanely good reason.  I haven't told anyone else and don't intend to."

"I'm not mad that you told your dad.  He is family, and I get your reasoning." I was surprisingly okay with it.  "Changing topics I'm not going to pry about what differences you had with Dr. Green, but are you going to go find another therapist?"

Nico POV:

I had been thinking about it, but I had already had four people tell me I had anorexia I didn't need anymore.  Everyone was overreacting.  I didn't need to find someone else who would drop me when I didn't agree I had a problem. "I don't think I'm going to go back to therapy."

"Why?  If you're still struggling with your depression why deny yourself help?  Also, I saw how bad your mental state was in the hospital.  I don't want you going back to that."  I had to cringe at that.  I was definitely at my lowest when I was checked into the psych ward.  I didn't want to go back there.

"I told Dr. Green a lot of really personal stuff, and I don't feel like putting in the effort to find someone else I trust."  It wasn't the only reason I wasn't looking for a new therapist but it was definitely part of the problem.

"I'm not a therapist but if you ever want to talk about what happened I'll listen."  Will said sincerely.

That at least brought a small smile out of me. "Thanks, I appreciate it.  Ready to go back inside?"

"No," He said then took a deep breath, "but I will anyways."

Notes:

So Will at least started his therapy session. What do you guys think of the chapter?
I knew this topic was going to be a lot so we are going to put it into 2 chapters instead of one.

Chapter 81: Talking about the Assault Part 2

Notes:

TW: description of rape

Will's POV:

During the walk back to Travis's office I felt like I was walking to an execution, not therapy. No matter how much everyone said it would help I did not want to talk about this.

"Feel any better?" Travis greeted us with.

"Not much, but I think I can continue," I said as we sat on the couch.

Travis sighed, "I was hoping the break would help more.  Start where ever you want."

I grabbed Nico's hand tightly and felt Nico squeeze back.  It was grounding. 

"So, Nikki had pushed me onto the bed and I tried to push her off.  When that didn't work I managed to say 'stop'.  She didn't. She said, 'Come on, I know that you want this.' she said as she kissed me.  The world wasn't straight.  I felt like I had the worst feeling of vertigo.  Any time I tried to do something I would lose coordination and land back on the bed."

I started crying remembering how helpless I felt.

"She started removing my clothes as I begged her to stop.  She kept insisting this was what I wanted, and the fact that I was getting hard was proof.  I was so scared I couldn't even comprehend how that was happening."

"Will, may I interrupt?" Travis asked.

"Yes," I said while trying to stop crying.  It was futile though.

"Just because you had a physical reaction does not mean that you consented or wanted what was happening."

"That makes me feel a little better," I said realizing how much that had bothered and confused me.

"Do you want to continue?" Travis asked.

"Yeah," I didn't even try to stop crying at this point, because I couldn't.

"After getting my clothes off she touched me however she felt like, despite my protest.  Then she forced me to have sex with her."

I started feeling the lines between my memories and reality blur.  Suddenly I was back in that awful green bedroom having all of my rights violated.  I couldn't breathe.  I felt beyond hope that this nightmare would stop, and I was afraid when it did that there wouldn't be anything left of me worth loving.  I suddenly felt a hand on my knee and jumped back in my seat.

Tavis was kneeling before me, "Hey Will, come back.  You're safe here.  You are hyperventilating.  Copy my breathing."  He started breathing exaggeratedly, and after a few minutes, I was able to copy. "Back with me?"

"Yeah, I got caught in a flashback."

"Of the assault?"

"Yeah," I said staring at my hands being reassured by holding Nico's.

"Can you tell me what you were feeling during the flashback?"  Travis said walking back to his desk.

"Unsafe, scared, and worthless," I said between sobs.  "I want to stop.  Can we stop?"

"Yes, but there is something I want to address before we move on.  What happened to you has nothing to do with your worth.  This was something done to you without your consent.

"Okay," It didn't make me feel better right now, but I think hearing that would help in the long term.

"Okay, so how are you doing now?"

"Badly,"

"Can you expand upon that?" Travis asked with concern.

"This shouldn't have happened.  Why did it happen?  I don't get it.  I didn't do anything to her, not that it would have made it okay, but I could maybe understand revenge."I said furious while crying. "I want drugs.  I need to escape from this mentally." I could feel Nico tense slightly, but he didn't say anything.

"So what should you do? What is the plan so you don't?" Travis asked.

"Go to a meeting?" I questioned.  I wasn't really in the mind frame to make good plans.

"Is that a question?" Travis asked.

"I haven't been to a meeting since right after I left rehab.  With the suicide attempt, hospitalization, and trials I've been busy.  I didn't really even pay attention to people last time.  I got lost in my own head, but I suppose I could go."

"Will, going to NA meeting is one of the proactive things you identified in your plan for staying sober.  You should be going 2x a week.  Since we need to be wrapping things up here let me find a meeting for you to go to today." I was internally annoyed.  I didn't want to basically have group therapy with a bunch of strangers after how draining this was. Travis looked over at some list. "There is a meeting in 1 hour at the biology building on campus  room 300."

"Okay, sounds good," I said toying with the idea of getting high instead of going to a meeting.  This therapy session took a lot out of me, and I really needed a break to relax.

"Alright then I'll see you next time," Travis said and Nico and I left.

After we left the hospital I started heading to my apartment when I noticed that Nico was going with me instead of his place.  "Uh, Nico I'd like some alone time before going to the meeting."  I really just wanted to get high.

"That's not happening.  Your bracelet is orange.  We have a deal, that you agreed to, to let me accompany you if your bracelet is orange."

"I'm fine,"  I really wanted him to back off.

"I'm not fighting with you about this. You agreed when you weren't craving drugs, so I'm going to hold you to it." Nico said seriously.

"Fine," I said irritatedly, and we walked the rest of the way to my apartment silently. 

Notes:

This was brutal to write. Thoughts?

Chapter 82: NA meeting

Notes:

Double update!

Nico had insisted on staying once we got to my apartment and was getting on my nerves.  I'd already worked out a plan on how to get some drugs.  All I needed to do was ditch Nico to get high.

"Nico, you don't have to stay.  I'd really like some alone time." I insisted again.

"And I told you five minutes ago if you want alone time that's fine.  Go chill in your room.  I'll stay out here.  I won't bother you but I'm. Not. Leaving."

"You don't trust me." I accused.

"You're right I don't trust you right now to not go and do something stupid.  I'll leave when I drop you off at your NA meeting," Nico said.

I was so frustrated I went to my room and slammed the door.  I was seething.  I was a grown adult and I was being babysat by my boyfriend.  About 30 minutes later I left my room in no better of a mood than when I got to my apartment.

"I'm leaving," I told Nico as I walked out the door, and he followed me.  I wasn't surprised.  I started walking to campus to go to the NA meeting I had no intention of listening to.  Nico would at least leave me alone.

"Do you want me to stay with you for your meeting?" Nico asked kindly which pulled some of the fight out of me. 

"No, I'll be fine." I said still deciding if I was actually going to stay for the meeting or ditch.  I went inside room 300 to find a small group of about 5 people.

"Hi, I'm Carra" A short brunette said to my left.

"Actually, I think I'm going to go.  I don't need to be here." I said and left.

Nico POV:

Will was in a bad head space.  If I hadn't forced him to have my company he would have already gotten high.  I was sure of it.  I wasn't even sure that going to a meeting was enough to set his head on straight.  It wasn't like I didn't understand wanting to run away from your trauma, but I wasn't going to let this ruin Will.

Since I was so uncertain if Will was going to be okay I decided that I was going to wait for him outside the building.  It only had one entrance and exit so there was no chance I would miss him.  It wasn't 5 minutes later I found Will leaving the Biology building.

"So you're going to get high?" I said with plenty of judgment.  I was honestly pissed.  I didn't like that he was trying to ditch me to go get high.  "Go on. I'm not going to stop you," I said sick of Will fighting me, "but you're going to have to get high with me watching. I'm not leaving." I said crossing my arms with a scowl that said 'I dare you.'  Will turned back to go inside without a word.

Will's POV:

When I entered back into the room about 6 chairs were formed in a circle.  Seeing me come in Carra said, "Decided to stay?"

"My boyfriend is guarding the door out of here to make sure I stay and don't go get high," I said a little frustrated.

"Fun." She said.

It was then that I noticed Carrie, "Do you care if I'm here or would you like me to find a different meeting?"

"As long as you are good with it, it doesn't bother me," Carrie responded with a smile.

"On that note, I think it's time to get started.  Take a seat." Carra said.

"Okay, so how was everyone's last few days?" Jake said.

"I'm Matt, narcotics addict.  My week sucked.  I failed a test and then my roommate came home drunk so I had to take care of him.  I know it's not fair for me to be mad at him for coming back drunk when I used to come home high every weekend, but seeing him drunk makes me want to use."

"Anderson, oxy addict.  Have you tried talking to him about how it makes you feel?  He probably doesn't know there is even a problem."

"I don't know how.  He doesn't have a problem so I don't want to make my issues his."

"Carra, narcotics addict.  If he cares about you and your sobriety he shouldn't want to make it harder on you.  If his enjoyment of alcohol is more important to him than you maybe it isn't a friendship worth having."

"So, enough about my week how were the rest of you?" Matt said.

"I'm Jake, narcotics addict.  My wife found me using.  It led to a huge fight and me sleeping on the couch." He buried his head in his hands, "I'd been sober for 6 months."  Looking back up he continued.  "I'd just gotten back in a good place with her.  We had done months of couples therapy working on rebuilding the trust that I had broken.  I just broke it all over again."

"Why did you use?" Carrie asked.

"I had a bad day.  Nothing in particular happened.  I woke up craving, and every little thing was bothering me.  At the time it seemed like the only escape.  I now realize that was the furthest thing from the truth, but I'm not at my best when I'm craving."

"I get that.  Carrie, oxy addict.  I was arrested for drug use a while ago and got out of rehab not that long ago.  I had to meet with my probation officer today.  While he is a fine enough person, meeting with him always sets me on edge and jonesing for a few hours after.  Instead of seeking out drugs I'm here trying to do better.  Who's next?" she said clearly done talking.

"I'm Anderson, I'm a coke addict.  This week was pretty good for me 2 years sober this week and things are actually easier than they used to be.  It looks like I'm going to pass my classes this semester.  There is a girl that I've been flirting with and I think I might ask her out this week!  Carra, how did your week go?"

"Carra, heroin addict. Fine nothing happened.  Moving on." She said too quickly.

"Uh no.  You are going to expand on that.  Your sister was coming this week and you were dreading it.  What happened?" Jake said.

"Okay, so things didn't go fine.  We fought about dad.  I don't want anything to do with him.  He's an addict who is refusing treatment.  Being around him makes me want to go back to using because it's so tempting.  Mia says I should be strong enough to be there for him and help him get into treatment.  I asked her if he said he wanted to get better.  He hasn't.  I don't want to risk my own health to try to help someone who doesn't want it!" By the end, she seemed both furious and a little more relaxed.

"Feel better?" Jake asked.  It was clear Carra and Jake were close.

"Actually, I do."  She said with a reluctant smile.

"And that's why we share. So, new guy, what about you? I heard you say your boyfriend trapped you here." Jake said with a smile.

There wasn't any harm in sharing, right? "I went to therapy today, and I discussed in detail my rape for the first time."  There were looks of pity.  "Last week my rapist had her trial, and I had to testify.  Since then I haven't been doing great.  Today discussing everything kind of sent me over the edge.  I really want to use.  If it wasn't for my boyfriend basically babysitting me I would be blissed out and high right now." I said.

"How long have you been sober for?" Anderson asked.

"66 days," I said.

"Hey, you've made it past the first 2 months.  Those are the hardest.  As long as you stick it out this all gets easier.  What do you really want out of getting high?"

"I just want to forget this ever happened."

"Getting high won't give you that long term.  Nothing will.  Why ruin your sobriety by chasing something it can't give you?  Nothing is going to heal that except time and therapy." Carra said.

"How would you know?" I bit back.

She raised up the side of her shirt to show a long scar.  "I wasn't raped, but a victim of domestic violence.  After I got out I had plenty of PTSD that I tried to self-medicate.  That is how I got caught up in heroin and alcohol in the first place.  It doesn't help anything.  It just pushes your problems down the line and then gives you all new ones."

She started to make sense.  What was I really wanting, and could drugs give it to me?  It definitely would cause me more problems.  "Thanks for the perspective." 

Carrie spoke up next, "Anyone have anything else to discuss?  If not I have some online classes to study for."

"Not me," Anderson said.

"I'm good," Jake said.

"Let's get out of here," Matt added.

"Sounds like we are good to go," Carra said. With that, the group started to leave.

When I went outside I wasn't surprised to find Nico there.  "Did that help?" he asked.

"Some, the craving-induced haziness has passed.  I still want drugs, but I don't feel like I need it." I said realizing that I didn't want all the consequences that went with them.  My bracelet turned back to gold.

"Good.  I was getting pretty worried.  I wasn't sure what to do if this didn't set your head back on straight." Nico said relieved

"Thanks for helping me.  I know I didn't make it easy." 

Nico gave me a hug, "Anything for you,"

Notes:

Tell me your thoughts!

Chapter 83: I Promise I was Framed

Nico's POV:

Hazel had come over in official attire and was sitting on the couch looking uncomfortable.

"Okay, I've had enough.  Spit it out.  What is wrong?" I said confused at her demeanor.

"I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you but after we finish talking I have to go arrest Will for violating his probation."

"What?! How?!" I said in shock.  She then handed me a piece of paper.  I had to read it twice to make sure I understood it correctly.  I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  "He failed his drug test," I said sadly.  I was somewhere between wanting to cry and wanting to scream.  Will dug his grave and there was nothing I could do to save him. I kept looking over the drug test trying to find anything that might make sense of this for me.  I thought we had gotten through his rough patch the other day.  

"Are you alright?" Hazle cautiously asked.

"No, of course I'm not alright.  My boyfriend just ruined his life, and there is nothing anyone can do to save him.  I'm also pretty mad he didn't tell me he used.  I thought he was past keeping secrets from me." I sighed.

"Do you want to come with me to arrest him?" Hazle asked.

"No, he is going to be going through it enough without me piling on with my disappointment and anger.  Tell him I'll get the paperwork done to visit him in... prison" I grimaced at the word, "and we can talk during his next visiting hours."  I buried my face in my hands.  How had everything gone off the rails so quickly?  I knew his mental state was delicate, but I guess I didn't realize how much so.  I hadn't noticed I was crying until I felt the tears on my hands.

"Are you okay if I leave?" 

"Yeah, go do what you have to do," I said sadly.  "If anyone asks why I skipped the senate meeting tell them I had a personal issue come up."

"Okay," Hazle said looking as heartbroken as I felt.  When she left I went to my room and broke down crying, mourning Will's dreams for him.

-----

Will's POV:

"Hazel! How are you? Come in! I'm just finishing my breakfast."  I was having a good day and it was feeling like maybe I could move past all of the junk in my past.  The therapy session the other day while it didn't fix anything made me less afraid of my past.  I was starting to actually deal with my trauma, and I felt like things were going to be okay.  It had really helped Nikki going to jail.

It was then that I noticed that Hazel wasn't fine.  She seemed bothered by something. "Is everything alright?" I asked cautiously.  I hoped nothing was wrong with Nico.

"Um, Will... Uh..." I was growing more concerned by the moment. She brushed her hand through her hair, and I saw the beginning of tears being held back.  She took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm here to take you to jail.  You violated the terms of your probation."

I just stared at her dumbfounded.  This had to be a joke. "If this is a joke it isn't funny."

"I'm not joking,"

"What did I do?"  I said horrified.  I couldn't remember breaking any of the rules.

"You failed your last drug test." She said. "I already told Nico.  He said that he would get the paperwork in line to visit you in prison."

"Prision?" I choked.  This couldn't be happening.

"You knew the punishment." She said forcing her emotions down.

"But I didn't do anything.  I didn't take anything."

She looked sad. "Please don't lie.  It won't help anything.  The drug test is definitive proof that you used.  Nico is pretty upset that you didn't tell him you fell off the wagon."

"But I didn't!" I could tell she didn't believe me by the way her mouth morphed into a straight line.

"Come on, we have to go.  I need to have you at the prison by 11."  I couldn't move.  How could this be happening?  I was clean. "Will, please just cooperate." She begged.

"Yeah, okay," I said letting her cuff me and following her out of the apartment to my doom in a daze.

-----

The prison wasn't anything like I had pictured.  It looked to be a high-security 1 story office building with a few buildings behind it.

Hazle walked me up to the front doors. "Hey, before I hand you over.  Your friends are still going to be here when you get out.  Your life isn't over.  You can handle this."

"Uh, thanks," I said not feeling any more at ease. 

We entered the building and went over to a tempered glass window where there was someone at a computer.  The overall room reminded me of a more depressing doctor's office waiting room.

"I have William Soloace for imprisonment." Yikes.  This is real.  How is this real?

"Ah, okay.  Let me check my records, and we can get going with the intake process."  The young lady tapped away at the computer for a few seconds and then said, "I have your information right here.  Let me call an officer and we will get things going."  Her overall cheery attitude felt like a slap in the face on one of the worst days of my life.

A corrections officer came out of one of the doors.  "Praetor, I have it from here."

"Bye Hazle," I said still in shock.

"Bye Will,"

"Hi, I'm officer Grey.  I'm one of the COs here.  You must be Soloace.  We go by last names here to avoid confusion." He said while leading me down a corridor away from my freedom.  "I'm sure this is going to be a large adjustment for you, but just try to focus on taking it one day at a time, and soon enough your sentence will be over.  We will do intake, and then I will take you to your cell." I wanted to vomit.

We entered a room that didn't have anything in it except a basket on the floor, "I'm sorry but the first thing we need to do is a strip search so please remove all clothes and personal items and put them in the basket.  After the search you will be provided with underwear, socks, shoes, and a uniform."

I stared dumbly at him.  This couldn't be happening.  Having to have my personal space violated like that reminded me of Nikki and how terrified I was.  I fell on my knees and instantly had a panic attack.

"Shit," Grey said as he got down to my level and tried to get into my line of sight. "Hey, you're going to be okay.  Tell me what is wrong.  What is causing you to panic?"

"I... I... I can't do this."

"Well, you are going to have to, so tell me why you are panicking so we can get you through this."  He said kindly.

Still in the middle of a panic attack.  I managed to say, "I was raped.  This is reminding me of that."

Grey had a sincere look of compassion. "Okay, you are going to be fine.  Nothing like that is going to happen here.  I don't need to touch you at all.  Let's just get this over with okay?"

Hearing he wouldn't touch me made me calm down a lot. "Yeah fine."  Fortunately for me, it was over quickly, and I was only mildly triggered.  We next went into a hallway that had a few chairs. 

"Here is a stack of paperwork I need you to fill out."  After I filled out the paperwork we were on our way.

"The building we are currently in is called the central building.  This building is the area you will go to for medical and lawyer visits, as well as chow.  This prison only holds medium and minimum-security prisoners.  Both types of prisoners use this building but are housed in different buildings and have different privileges.  Once you get settled for your stay you will be in the minimum security building.  That is the one that looks like an apartment complex to the left.  The medium-security prison looks more prison-like to the right."

"What is the building in the middle?"  Another building in the middle looked more like a hospital.  It couldn't be since medical was in the central building.

"That is the psychiatric building.  Where you, like everyone else who comes here, will be spending your first night here.  Imprisonment can be jarring and depressing and can cause severe mental distress when coming here.  Everyone spends their first day or two in one of the close observation wings until they are cleared by their therapist or the prison therapist to go to the general holding area."

"I'm spending my first night in a psych ward?"

"To put it bluntly, yes.  It's for your safety." He said before opening the door.

We started walking toward the hospital-like building and I wanted to vomit.  Not only was I in prison, I was in the psych ward in prison.  Grey swiped a card and then entered a very long number into the key pad causing the first door set to open.  After the door shut the second set of doors was buzzed open.  The room we entered looked like a common room of sorts where several people seemed to be reading or playing games.  Surrounding the room were ten other rooms that looked to be where people lived.  There were sliding tempered glass doors on all of these rooms.  In the center of the common room was what looked like an air control tower but sitting on the ground. 

"The room in the middle is referred to as the core.  This is where officers typically are and where they will monitor you.  There is no privacy here.  Each room has a CCTV camera which feeds back to the core."  He guided me to the room directly to the right.  "This is your room to share with your cellmate.  There is a bathroom and shower in each room.  Good luck!"

I was on my own.  I promptly vomited.

 

Notes:

So how are both Nico and Will going to handle this?

Chapter 84: Is there anyone who believes Will?

Notes:

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments last chapter!

Nico POV:

After Hazel left I just got in bed and cried. I was mad that Will hadn't told me that he used, but mostly I was just sad. He would be in prison for a little more than 10 months. We had never been separated like this for this long of a time. Thinking about this just made me cry harder. It wasn't too much later when I started making myself sick from crying. I felt like trash.

The next day I ignored everyone's Thanksgiving IMs and just stayed in bed. I think Hazel knew I would be taking Will's arrest hard and didn't try to force me to come to Thanksgiving dinner. I was extremely grateful for this. I didn't want to try to eat a big meal. I didn't think I could.

The following day I managed to get the paperwork done so I could be on Will's visitors list for Saturday visitation. Then I went immediately back to bed. I didn't see the point of doing anything. It was about 3 in the afternoon when I heard a knock on my door. I tried to get up to answer it but immediately fell to the floor after black spots clouded my vision. It took me a few minutes to get to the door. What I was met with was Kyle, who looked extremely concerned.

"I heard about Will. Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I said hoarsely from not using my voice. We went and sat on the couch.

"When was the last time you ate? You look like a mess." Kyle asked nonjudgementally.

"I can't remember," I said feeling extreme brain fog and like I wanted to pass out.

"Here, eat this." Kyle brought a container of homemade soup from his bag. "It shouldn't be too hard to eat. I thought you might be in a bad spot with Will being locked up."

"Thanks," I said. I tried to get up to go to the table when Kyle stopped me.

"You look like you are going to pass out. Eat first then you can get up." He said kindly.

I couldn't find enough energy to be annoyed at being babied, so I ate the soup on the couch. I really was hungry. Besides an upset stomach, I felt much better after eating, and my brain fog had cleared some.

"So is there a particular reason you are visiting or just to hang out?"

"I figured that you wouldn't be eating and knew you needed help. The least I could do was provide you with some soup. Can I check your health? You seem worse than the last time I saw you." He said concerned.

"Sure," It was going to be more trouble than it was worth to fight him on this.  I let him do whatever checks he deemed necessary.

Kyle didn't look happy about what he was seeing.  "Have you had trouble functioning?"

"I mean I was having trouble following Will across campus the other day, but he didn't notice."

"Your health doesn't look good. It's not so bad that you need to be immediately hospitalized, but we are getting close to that. Why don't we get you some help before it gets to that point? No one has to know, though you should tell Will."

"Like he told me he used again?" I said bitterly, "I'll be fine.  There isn't anything to tell."

"Nico, I'm going to keep trying to convince you till you're stuck in the hospital you have a serious problem.  I know denial is a serious force, but you need to see the picture in front of you.  You are clinically underweight by a significant amount.  You are having trouble functioning.  This is the second time I've seen you where I was worried you were going to pass out in front of me.  You are not okay.  What you are doing isn't normal."

"I ate all of the soup you gave me.  I eat when I feel like it."

"That's a lie."

"I just want control of this one thing.  Why is everyone making it a much bigger deal than it is?"

"Because this isn't a small thing, it could kill you.  Also, who is everyone?"

"Dr. Green, Dr. Adams, Apollo, and you."

"My dad knows?"

"Yeah, he keeps an eye on me as if I were one of his kids because of Will.  He threatened to commit me if I didn't get help."

"If my dad put that out there he is serious.  Why not get help before you end up in the psych ward, again?"

Was it really getting that bad?  I didn't want to end up back there.  For now, I pushed that thought to the back of my mind.  "Can we do something else besides discuss my health?"

"Since you are being so stubborn, sure.  Want to watch a movie?"

"Sounds good,"  I could tell that Kyle wasn't happy with the situation, but he didn't push further.

-----Next Day-----

I'd just finished going through the prison's security scanner and was waiting for Will in a room that looked like the grimest cafeteria I had ever seen.  A minute later Will walked in the door.  He looked like he had been through the wringer.  It looked like the light had gone out of him, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"Hey, Will," I said standing up to give him a quick hug.

"I'm so happy to see you," He said starting to look a little more alive. 

"What happened?" I asked hoping to come off as non-hostile even though I was so beyond mad that he hadn't told me.

"I don't know.  I didn't do anything." He said genuinely.

"I don't believe you.  Will, there is no point in lying.  You've been caught, and lab results don't lie."  I just wanted him to be honest with me.

"Ugh!" He said pulling at his hair frustrated. I could see tears forming in his eyes.  "Someone has to believe me," He said more to himself than me.  "I am telling the truth.  If I had used I would tell you, but I didn't."

"I'm sorry but the evidence is against you, babe."  How I wanted to believe him, but couldn't.

Will was quiet for a long time, and I didn't feel the need to fill the silence.  Suddenly there was a look of pure joy on his face, "My bracelet!  Even if I'm not wearing it, it works!  You can go back to my apartment and see that it's gold.  I took it off before I took a shower the morning that Hazel came and got me."

I gave him a suspicious look.  If he was lying how would he have gotten around the bracelet?  Then I remembered he would talk to Holly to get his bracelet back to gold when he was actively using. "I'm sorry but that isn't good enough." He looked deflated, "To turn it back you would have just had to tell Travis you used.  Will, I can't sit here and listen to you lie to me. I'm going to go.  I'll see you at your next visiting hours."  Every lie was damaging our relationship, and I didn't want to hear anymore.  I stood up and got about 5 feet away when Will said loudly, "I swear on the River Styx I didn't do it!"

That got me to turn around in shock.  He hadn't dropped dead, so he must be telling the truth.  I sat back down.

"Please, I need your help. I need you to believe me." Will said with tears running down his face.

"I believe you," I said still in shock.  "How can I help?"

"There has to be some proof somewhere that I didn't do it.  The lab test lied.  I don't know if a sample was mixed up or what it was, but I'm innocent.  I'm going to lose my whole future over an error."

"I'll fix this," I said determined.

"How?" Will said surprised.

"Not sure yet, but I believe you.  I'm not going to let you sit here in jail for something you didn't do."

"Thanks," He said relieved.

"How are you doing?" I asked concerned.  He looked like a wreck.

"Um..." He swallowed and started to hold back tears. "I'm stuck in the psych ward of the facility because when Travis came to evaluate me to see if I was mentally stable enough to go to minimum security he didn't clear me." I trusted Travis's judgment so if he said Will needed observation that was worrisome.  "I can't say I disagree with him because I feel like I'm holding it together by a hair."  If Will wasn't fighting it that was more worrisome.

"I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know how this happened.  Are the other inmates" Will winced, "and guards treating you okay?" I asked concerned.  I knew prison could be a very violent and dangerous place in some parts of the world.  I wasn't sure what New Rome was like.

"Honestly I've been spending every moment I wasn't required to be somewhere crying in my cell.  Everyone has basically left me alone.  I don't have a cellmate.  Things have been extremely lonely.  I'm not handling things well."

"Have you...?" 

"Nothing's sharp enough in a psych ward," Will said dully.

"That doesn't fill me with a sense of confidence you are going to be okay." I said concerned.

"Now you see why Travis wouldn't clear me." He responded sounding depressed.

"Besides getting cleared to go to minimum security are you about to have therapy sessions in here with Travis?"

"Yes, fortunately, he decided to continue helping me or I would have been transferred to the prison therapist." 

"Travis is a good guy.  I assume you told him you were innocent and he believed you?"

"Yeah, he said he would see what he could do, but told me not to get my hopes up.  His word wasn't exactly evidence."

"Things are going to be okay.  I'm going to go so I can figure this out.  I don't want you in here a moment longer than you have to be." I said standing up to give him a hug.  I was determined to solve this today if I could.

"Thank you," He said as we parted.

"I love you,"

"I love you too."

Notes:

How is Nico going to find proof?

Chapter 85: How do I get out of here?

Nico POV:

I was pacing back and forth in my apartment looking over Will's drug test results hoping to find something there that could exonerate Will. Nothing stood out. I was hoping that this would be easy to fix. That didn't look likely. I did the only thing I could think of which was to IM the smartest person I knew, Annabeth.

"Annabeth," I said startling her out of her studies.

"Gosh, Nico, did you have to surprise me like that?" she said, catching her breath after being startled. When she calmed down, she said, "I heard about Will. I'm so sorry."

"That's what I need to talk to you about. He didn't take drugs.  There has been some mistake." 

Annabeth looked at me with pity and sympathy. "I know you want to believe that, but drug tests don't lie."

"This one did.  He swore on the Styx he didn't do it and I believe him.  How can I prove it?"

She took a long moment and said, "Exactly what did he say?"

"I didn't do it."

"Nico oaths have loopholes.  It could refer to any number of things.  Are you sure you believe him?"

"You didn't see him, Annie, he was desperate for me to believe him."

"I would be too in his position." She said.

"Entertain the idea for a moment.  If he didn't take anything how would his drug test come up positive?"

"Does he eat poppy seeds?"

"No, he can't stand them."

"Well, there goes that theory.  They can show up in drug tests.  Either the samples got mixed up or the lab tech didn't do the test correctly.  You should check the chain of custody.  Every lab sample should have one.  It's a record of everyone who had the sample and when.  That is where I would start."

"Ugh, I can't do that until offices open on Monday."

"That's the best I can come up with.  Also, check with his probation officer.  If this has happened before she might know how."

"Thanks, bye Annabeth."

"Good luck"

-----Monday-----

I decided to start with Ingrid's office.  It was early in the morning, and I was feeling terrible.  I had breakfast and felt sick from the food.  

"Ingrid," I said knocking on the open door to her office.

"Mr. Ambassator, what can I do for you?"  She said cheerily.

"I have a question about Will Soloace's drug test. Could it be a false positive?  Have you ever had a case where that has happened?"

She looked heartbroken, "I'm really sorry, but we tested the sample twice.  Both were positive.  I'm rather disappointed in him.  I thought he was headed down the right path."

"He swore on the Styx he didn't do it."

"Hmmm, unfortunately, that isn't enough to exonerate him."

"Why not?" I said clearly irritated.

"Anyone can find a loophole if they look hard enough.  That's why we have trials instead of oaths of innocence.  Talk to Aria McPatrick.  She is the head of the testing lab.  If anyone had answers it would be her.  The lab is on 4th and Main."

"Thank you,"

-----

I walked up to the reception desk to a cranky looking guy, who looked totally checked out. "If you are here for a drug test, hallway to the left and follow the signs." He said dully not looking up.

"I need to speak with Aria McPatrick." That got his attention.

"She is on leave, as is her assistant.  If you need anything administrative done they will be back in 2 weeks."

"I need to talk to her now not in 2 weeks."

"Well good luck with that.  They haven't taken a vacation in 5 years they are due one.  They have anti-bother charms on and didn't tell anyone where they were going.  You will have to wait."  He said determined.

I groaned in frustration.  Will was going to be in prison 2 more weeks.

-----Saturday-----

"Will!" I said happy to see him.

"Hey. Any news on getting me out of here?" He said hopeful.

"I'm sorry." His face instantly fell.  "The person I need to talk to is on vacation with an anti-bother charm, so no Iris messages.  I also don't know where they are, so I can't shadow travel to them.  You are going to still be here until at least a week from Monday."

Will looked like he was going to have a panic attack. "Okay. Okay. It's just a week and a half.  I just have to last that long."

"I can't guarantee that when they get back they will have the answers we need."  Will looked like he was going to be sick.  "I just don't want you to be disappointed if it takes a little while longer.  I'm sorry things are taking so long.  Are you doing okay?"

"No.  Travis cleared me for minimum security.  Things aren't going great."

This immediately made me concerned. "Are you talking about your mental health or something else?"

"Something else," He said looking around like he was worried someone would hear him.

"Is someone bothering you?" I said worrying.

"It's nothing," 

"It's not nothing.  You are bothered by something."

"I'll tell you when I get out of here.  If I talk all I will do is make my life worse."

"Is it one of the COs?"

"I'm not talking, and I want you to stop before someone hears." He said looking concerned.

"Are you in danger in here?"  If someone was hurting him I needed to know.

"Stop!"

"Okay, I'll stop," I said reluctantly.  Neither one of us felt like talking after that.

-----Monday a week later-----

"Can I see Aria McPatick?" I said coming into the testing lab first thing in the morning.

"Do you have an appointment?" The uninterested receptionist said.

"No,"

"Then I'm sorry.  I can help you make an appointment for 2 weeks from now."  I wasn't going to have that.

"Can you please tell her that the Ambassador to Pluto is here to see her?"

He finally looked up and "Uh... right away."  The receptionist walked off quickly leaving me standing at his desk.  A few minutes later he returned. "Hallway to your right last door on the left."

Her office was very plain looking, "Mr. Ambassador what can I do for you?"  She said cheerily.

"I need to discuss the most recent drug test of William Soloace.  I have good reason to believe that the results are incorrect."

She looked serious, "In this building that is a heavy accusation.  Do you have any proof?"

"That is what I am here to get," I said matching her tone.

"Okay let me pull up everything I have related to that test." She left the room and 10 minutes later came back with a folder.  "While I can't show you any results I can show you the chain of custody."

Sample received by Erin Scott at 2:57 pm

received by Mason Miller at 3:32 pm

received by Zander Smith at 4:57 pm

Tested by Zander Smith at 8:09 am

Results received at 9:10 am

Retest by Zander Smith at 9:18 am

Results received at 10:08 am

"Zander Smith... he works here?" I said worrying.

"Yeah transferred from the hospital a little bit ago, why?" She asked curiously.

"Is there any way to redo the test with another lab tech?"  This had to be it.

"Why?"

"Zander Smith is the brother of Nichole Smith who was Will's rapist and was recently convicted of such.  If he wanted revenge for locking her up he had the perfect opportunity here."

"That's a serious accusation to make without any proof." She said sternly.  "I'm not about to go ask my employee if he tampered with a test on your intuition alone."

"Could you rerun the test, as a personal favor?" I said with a fake smile.  I had to play nice if I wanted to get Will out of prison.

Her eyebrows shot up.  "I would have a favor from you?"

"Yes," I said irritated.  I was growing tired of her.  I just wanted my proof of Will's innocence.

"Please go wait in my office.  I'll run the test myself." She said quickly, "Do you know your way back?"

"Yes,"  I sat there waiting forever.  When she came in she looked like she had seen a ghost.

"I'm incredibly sorry for my earlier behavior.  You don't owe me any favors." She said seriously

"He was clean wasn't he?" I said satisfied.

"Yes, I'll be fully investigating this to see what happened.  Any malicious parties will be arrested.  Altering court-ordered lab results is a criminal offense."

"What about getting Will out of prison?"

"I'll do my part to rush the paperwork.  I'd expect him out this morning.  If you wouldn't mind could you please go? I have a lot of phone calls to make."

"I'll leave you to it," I said. 

I walked to the prison to wait for Will.

---3 hours later-----

Will exited the prison looking haggard.  I ran up to him and hugged him.  He immediately broke down into sobs, and I shadow-traveled us back to his apartment.

"I was afraid you wouldn't be able to get me out."  He said between sobs.

"I said I would didn't I?" I said with a slight chuckle, relieved I was able to.

"Once I got cleared to be in minimum security everything got worse."

"You're out of there now.  It's going to be okay." I said while holding him on the couch.  "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"My former cellmate was a drug addict.  Somehow he was getting drugs in prison.  He managed to piss off some other inmates and got the crap beat out of him.  I stupidly healed him.  The next morning I was beaten up by Gary for interfering in his drug business.  I got another broken rib for my trouble."

"Are you okay now?" I said trying to see if he was still hurt.

"Yeah, demigod healing.  Anyway, Gary said that since I was so insistent on putting my nose where it didn't belong, I had to help him.  He would beat up anyone who caused him trouble to within an inch of their lives and have me heal them enough that it wouldn't be detectable to the guards."

"Couldn't you tell the COs?"

Will just raised his eyebrows.  "No, while some of them were good guys, not all of them were.  I have my suspicions that one of them was bringing the drugs in that Gary was distributing.  I had a good feeling that if I said anything I would find myself on the receiving end of another beating.  If I was the cause of drugs disappearing in the prison I would be beaten up for sure.  Gary's well connected and had a few COs in his pocket."

"Shouldn't you say something now?  If the prison isn't being run correctly someone should be informed." I said concerned remembering how many people I had voted to send to jail.  I didn't want to be responsible for people going to an unsafe place.

"When word got out this morning that I was leaving I was cornered by a lot of guys.   They said that if I said anything their outside contacts would find me or my friends and there would be hell to pay."  Will looked genuinely scared.  How bad was the beating he took?

"Will I have sent people to that prison.  I can't stand by and do nothing if I know they aren't safe." He needed to understand this.

"What about me? I don't want to be targeted."  He must have been pretty scared because this wasn't Will.

"Will it's the right thing, and you know it.  I can keep you safe."

"Alright," He said reluctantly.

 

 

Notes:

Let me know what you think!

Chapter 86: Post Jail Therapy

Will's POV:

Nico was good to his word and handled the corrupt prison. Once one thread was pulled the whole ball of yarn started to unravel.  Turns out there were already investigations into many of the COs.  The information I provided was enough to finish several investigations.  Gary was a part of a larger criminal organization.  There had already been several trials. Gary's outside connections were slowly being rounded up. Nico doubted that anyone would try anything with as much scrutiny as they were under. 'I wish he was right' was what I was thinking as I was getting the stuffing beat out of me on my way to therapy. 

"This is a gift from Gary." The unknown thug number one of three said as he gave me a final kick.  I lay there for about five minutes after they left trying to catch my breath before picking myself up.  I continued to therapy

Travis greeted me with a smile which quickly changed to one of concern, "Will! Are you alright? What happened?"

"Some of Gary's outside connections decided to beat me up."

"I'm going to go get a doctor,"  Travis said before leaving.

A few minutes later he appeared with Dr. Adams.

"Will, can you tell me what happened exactly?" Dr. Adams said sitting down beside me on the couch.

"Three guys who have some relation to this guy in prison named Gary came to beat me up for informing the prison system of what he was doing.  Apparently, he was part of one of the major drug chains.  Two of the guys held me while the other one punched and kicked me." I said exhausted.

"Okay, good news, it looks much worse than it is.  You have a lot of surface bruising and a bruised kidney but it should all heal with a little time.  I'll go ahead and heal the black eye of yours though.

"Thanks," A moment later my face felt a lot better.

"If you ever need any other help don't be afraid to ask,"  Dr. Adams said as he was leaving.

Travis turned his attention to me as he sat down at his desk. "Will, why didn't you use any of your powers to get out of this? I'm not saying three-on-one is an easy match, but you are a very powerful demigod; you should have been able to take them."

"And risk prison again, no thank you," I said quickly.

"Self-defense is a valid reason to deal harm to someone.  You wouldn't have gotten in trouble." He said seriously.

"I have enough problems as it is.  I rather take another beating than go through the stress of another trial."

"That is your choice, but next time you don't have to take it.  I don't want you to end up in a worse condition.  This time you got rather lucky that the damage was surface level for the most part."

"Can we move on?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm happy to see you outside a prison setting.  I didn't get to see you after your second evaluation.  How did you handle prison?"

"I ended up the lackey of a drug dealer, so not great.  It wasn't by choice." I tacked the last part on quickly.

"What happened?" He asked, and I recalled the story I had told Nico the week prior.

"I imagine while you were in there you didn't have a feeling of safety,"  Travis stated.  "You have some threats to your safety now.  I know that lack of safety is one of your triggers.  How are you handling it?"

"Mostly by staying by Nico or locking myself in my apartment.  I feel safe there."

"I'm glad you have someplace that makes you feel safe.  Are you going to press charges against the people who beat you up today?"

"I can't.  They didn't show their face.  All I saw was a tattoo on one of the guy's wrists " I said dejectedly.

"You should still report that it happened.  The legion might offer you protection until the investigation is over."

"I imagine Nico will have me report it when he sees me," I said more to myself than Travis.  Travis gave me an odd look.

"Since getting out of prison how is your relationship with Nico?" 

"I'm frustrated.  He dragged me to the legion office to report what happened in prison which got me involved in a lot of investigations.  At this point, three COs have been arrested.  Gary has been moved to maximum security, and a lot of his lackeys have been moved to medium security.  There are a lot of criminals that want my head.  I wanted to leave it all alone, so I didn't end up getting beat up or worse, but Nico dismissed my concerns.  Everything feels out of my control.  I haven't felt in control of my own life since I was arrested."

"So you're mad about Nico forcing you to report the abuse?"

"Yes. I know it's the right thing. I should get over it, and I will. But..."

"It made you feel like you didn't have control."

"Anytime I feel control of my life being ripped away it just reminds me of the assault, and it seems like I never have control anymore."

"So what I'm hearing is you are dealing with two possible triggers for using drugs, lack of safety, and lack of control.  How has that been going for you?"

"I've been miserable since getting arrested.  I can't even put into words the depression that followed my arrest. I thought my future was done for.  It kept getting worse the longer I was in prison because it was just solidifying that this was my life now.  Getting arrested scared me so much that drugs aren't that tempting right now.  I'm sure that can change, but right now that isn't an issue."

"What about self-harm?  I know that was what you wanted to turn to while in prison for a bit."

"Um... I've gotten close." I said in a small voice.  I didn't like admitting my weakness.

"Did you use your safety plan?"

"No," I admitted sheepishly.

"What did you do instead?" He asked non-judgmentally.

"White knuckled it, and got caught by Kyle."

"That's okay.  You're not going to handle every temptation perfectly.  The important thing is you got through it.  Why don't you try talking to Nico about how you feel you don't have control of your life?"

"Probably a good idea."

"Is there anything else you want to discuss?" Travis asked.

"Is there a way to stop this all-consuming feeling of dread?  I was so hopeful that things could get better after talking to you about the assault even though it was hard.  All that hope left when I was arrested, and I can't seem to get it back.  I'm afraid of Gary's criminal friends, and I'm afraid they could target me and send me back to prison like Zander did.  If that happens I don't know what will happen to me.  When will it stop?" I had to hold back a sob because I felt like all of the emotions I had been holding in for the last few weeks crashing down on me.

"Things can get better.  Your probation won't last forever, and you have plenty of people in your corner ready to help.  When you were arrested your friends didn't abandon you. "Nico, Kyle, Percy, and Jason all visited you while you were in prison even when they didn't know you were innocent.  As far as Gary's friends go, report what happened and fight back if it happens again.  It's up to you though.  Even if Nico wants you to report it you don't have to.  You can take back control of your life."

"That actually makes me feel better."

"Good.  If I have my times right you are about to be late to your NA meeting.  You should get going."

"See ya next time."

Walking out of Travis's office I was on edge looking around every corner for someone to come and try to attack me.  Maybe I should report it even if I didn't think it would do any good.  I  was undecided by the time I arrived at the Biology building.

It was much the same as the last time I was there. Carra, Jake, Matt, Anderson, and Carrie were there making small talk.

"Shall we get started?" Jake said as I arrived.  "How has everyone been since we last talked?  Will I haven't seen you in a few weeks do you want to start?"

"Will, oxy addict."  Would saying that ever not be humbling?  "The reason you haven't seen me is a vindictive asshole edited my drug test results, so I would be thrown in prison," I said bitterly.  I was still furious when I thought about it.  Zander's 2 years prison sentence for this was not enough in my opinion.

"Wow, that sucks," Carrie said 

"That's an understatement," Matt added.

"To make all matters worse while I was in there I ended up the lackey of a drug dealer.  I just got beaten up because my boyfriend convinced me that I should inform on the guy.  I go from feeling hopeless that my circumstances will get better to furious that my life is like this.  How the Hades did I deserve this?!  The only reason I'm not jonesing hard right now is prison scared the crap out of me, and the idea of going back puts me in a scary dark head space."

"Besides drugs, what is your favorite coping mechanism?"  Carra asked.

"Favorite? I don't have one.  Quickest? Cutting which I know isn't a positive coping mechanism."

"Do you have people to go to?" Carra asked concerned.

"Yeah, I have my boyfriend, roommate/brother, and some other friends."

"Do they know how hard you have been taking recent events?"

"Nico, my boyfriend, saw me have a breakdown right after I got out of prison but no one else.  I don't even think Nico realizes how ripped apart I feel.  So that's my week.  On to someone else please."

"Jake, narcotics addict.  My wife and I went back to counseling this week.  It's the first time since she caught me using that we really had a conversation about it.  I didn't realize how much it scared her when I would use."  Jake said

"Were you able to work things out? I know the icyness between the two of you has been a real stressor," Matt asked.

"We managed to have a conversation.  Things are by no means fixed, but she didn't leave me."  It looks like saying that makes him want to cry from relief.  "I'm hanging in there, going to a few meetings a week because of the tension in the house.  It would be so much easier to give up and go get high, but I want to work things out with my wife more."

"I'm proud of you man," Matt said as he patted Jake on the shoulder. 

"Matt, how did your exam go?" Jake asked.

"Matt, narcotics addict.  I passed!" He said sounding relieved. "I worked with a new tutor and it helped so much."

"Did you ever work things out with your roommate about him coming home drunk?  I know that was weeks ago, but I haven't been here." I asked.

"Yeah, we worked things out.  He didn't realize that it was so much of a trigger for me.  He worked it out with some other friends that if he goes out drinking and plans to get drunk he can crash at their place."

"Awesome, I'm happy it worked out," I replied.

"Anderson, how has your week been?" Matt asked.

"Anderson, I'm a coke addict.  This week was harder than most.  The girl I asked out a few weeks ago I told about my coke addiction."  There was a round of sympathetic groans. "Yeah," He grimaced, "It went about as well as could be expected.  There were a lot of questions, but in the end, we were okay."

"That's great," Carrie said.

"What about you?" Anderson said addressing Carrie.

"I don't feel like talking much this week."

"Alright, Carra you have barely said a word, what's up?" Anderson said.

"Carra, heroin addict.  I'm freaking out.  My ex called me from prison yesterday." She looked sick. "He was saying how we just had a misunderstanding, and that I should take him back." She was shaking.

"You aren't thinking of taking him back are you?" Jake asked worried.

"I'm not.  Just hearing his voice was a lot.  I haven't heard from him in five years.  It brought back a lot of memories."

"Is he getting out anytime soon?" I asked.

"No, he is going to be spending the next 5 years in prison.  Sometimes reminding myself of that is the only way I can sleep at night."  She said visibly shaken.  She then trained her eyes firmly on the ground.  She said in a whisper, "After 3 fucking years I called my ex-dealer." There was a silence that only Jake seemed willing to break.

"It's going to be okay, tell us what happened," Jake said softly understanding.

“I called my old dealer asking when and where I could get some heroin.  He told me to meet him at a dinner in town, not the usual meet-up spot, but I didn't really think too much about that, because I was craving so hard. 

I ordered a coffee and waited for him at the back of the dinner.  He showed up and ordered breakfast, which I was not expecting.  I figured that he would sell me the drugs and be on his way.  Then he asked me how I was doing.  He told me he was out of the game and offered to get me help to quit.  I laughed at him saying I had been sober for 3 years, and I didn't need his help.  He then said 'My mistake, so why are you about to throw that away?'" She let out a humorless laugh. "I had my ex-dealer talk me off the ledge. Shit. All this over one damn phone call, that asshole." She had started crying.

"Calling him an asshole is really underselling it here," Jake said with a smile. Carra wiped her tears and laughed.

"It is, isn't it?"  She said

"Are you okay now?" He asked.

"No, but I will be.  Can we wrap this up?  That has been enough emotional work for one day."

"Sounds good," Carrie said and we all started to leave.

Notes:

Carra's (30 f) back story is she was married to an abusive jerk for 1 years when she filed for divorce she pressed charges. Shortly afterward she started drinking to deal with the flashbacks. When that wasn't enough she tried heroin and was instantly hooked. After 8 months she was forced into rehab by her cousin. She struggled for the first year to stay clean. During that year she met Jake. When she hit 2 years post-divorce she really dedicated to getting clean and has been clean since.

Jake (26 m) got hooked on narcotics when he was 21, 2 years into his marriage. After 10 months his wife moved out and Jake spiraled hard. He woke up in a hospital after a weekend bender and checked himself into rehab. He started going to the same NA meeting as Carra when he got out. The first year he was in and out of rehab. In the second year, he managed 1 yr clean. The third year started with a setback. He lost his job and spent the next 6 months strung out on drugs. Carra eventually found him in a homeless encampment outside of New Rome. She dragged him back to rehab and helped him get back on his feet. The fourth year he stayed clean and that Christmas he reconnected with his wife. They never got a divorce because they didn't believe in them. This past year they have been working on rebuilding their marriage. He had a small slip-up 7 months ago on a bad day but that didn't deter him.

Jake and Carra are best friends.

Matt (22 m) is a senior in college and got addicted in high school senior year. He was a "functional" addict just doing drugs at parties and with friends. When woke up in the bed of someone who was not his girlfriend and had no clue how he got there he admitted he had a problem. His girlfriend understandably broke up with him. They are on good terms now, but will never get back together. Matt has been sober for 1.5 years.

Anderson (35 m) worked hard in the legion from 16 to 26 then went to trade school to become a welder. At 31 he got into an accident at work and hurt his back. He was on prescribed pain pills for 6 months and then was cut off. He tried coping with the pain but found it impossible so he started looking for other ways of dealing with it and found coke. At 32 His best friend was worried about him and held an intervention to get him to spend some time in rehab. He got his life together and went back to college to get a degree. He relapsed once in the last 3 years and currently has 2 years of being sober.

If you would like the back story of any other characters let me know.

Chapter 87: The Old Victorian House

Nico and I met up at his place after the NA meeting, and to no one's surprise, he wanted me to report the attack.

"Will, you need to report what happened," He insisted.

"What is the point?! I didn't see anything that could identify them besides a tattoo on one of them."

"Come on we are going to the legion office." He said getting up.

"No!" I said surprising him.  "Stop!  You convinced/forced me to report the abuse in prison.  I haven't had control of one thing that has happened to me since I was arrested.  I knew this would happen, but you didn't listen to me!  Let me control some of the events in my life!  If I don't want to report I don't have to."

Nico looked surprised at my outburst. "But the legion could protect you till the investigations are over."

"Nico if I wanted to be I'm deadlier than most of them.  I can handle myself."

"Like you handled today?"  He said incredulously.

"Nico I need choices in my life.  I feel like I'm breaking inside.  If I don't start making choices for myself I'm going to lose it."

"I didn't know you felt like that," Nico said defusing the fight.

"Yeah,"

"I guess I haven't really asked how you were doing with all of this.  I just was thinking about my concerns about the people I sent to prison.  I wasn't watching what this was doing to you.  I'm sorry."

"Just don't do it anymore.  I can admit that reporting it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't without consequences."

"I can see that.  He said while brushing his hand over one of the visible bruises.  I didn't mean for this to happen."

"I know."

"So how are you doing?"

"I'm mentally exhausted.  I'm so terrified that I'm going to end up back in prison through no fault of my own.  Now if I end up back in prison I have a target on my back."

"I won't let that happen," Nico said reassuringly

"How?! It's not like you were able to prevent it last time." I questioned frustrated.

"The head of the lab said she would be handling your tests from now on so there are no more errors.  She was the one who did the test that got you out of prison.  I might not like her as a person, but I trust her to do her job.  You are going to be okay." He said while hugging me, and I broke down in his arms.

-----Next Day-----

It was early in the morning.  I was already at Nico's apartment so we could go on an early morning date when I got an IM from Jake panicked.

"Have you heard from Carra?" He said looking distressed.

"No, why? I said confused.

"Since she was so shaken up from talking to her ex I offered for her to spend the night at Penelope and I's place, so she wouldn't be alone.  When I woke up this morning she was gone."

"Maybe she just went home?  Have you tried IMing her?"

"She left all her stuff.  She was still in a bad headspace last night.  I've tried IMing her, and she keeps slashing through it.  I'm worried. Matt, Anderson, and Carrie all have classes.  Can you help me look for her?"

At this point Nico chimed in, "I have an emergency tracking charm we could use.  Do you have some of her hair?"

"Yeah! I have her hairbrush."

"Can you meet us at the central fountain in 10 minutes?" I asked.

"I'll see you there," Jake said before slashing through the IM.

"Why do you have a tracking charm?" I asked curiously as we were getting our stuff together.

"In case I couldn't find you again in an emergency.  I panicked when I couldn't find you when you were overdosing.  I never wanted to be in that position again.  Are you okay with that?" He asked nervously.

"I get it.  I don't have a problem with it."

-----

After introductions were made Nico asked, "Do you have the hair?"

"Here," He said while handing it over.  Nico added it to the potion and a green smoke started being released.

"Follow the smoke," Nico said.

We followed the smoke for 10 minutes until we arrived at an abandoned house.  "Will, I need you to go home.  We can handle this." Nico stated while looking at the building concerned.

"What?! No! Why!" I exclaimed.

"Will, I've been following the investigation into Gary's criminal organization.  This is one of their meeting places.  You could be beaten to a bloody pulp if anyone sees you.  We shouldn't even be here."

"I'm not leaving Carra here.  She saved my life by dragging me out of one of these types of houses. I'm not leaving without her."  Jake said.

"I never said we were leaving without her," Nico replied never taking his eyes off the house. "Will, I can't convince you to leave can I?"

"Nope,"

Nico looked to the sky exasperated. "Alright, let's go through the front door. No splitting up. Hopefully, the only person here is Carra."

The house was an old Victorian two-story house with broken windows.  The door looked like an ax had been taken to it half of it, and it collapsed into the hallway behind it.  We stepped over the broken doorway into a dimly lit hall that had a staircase to the second floor.  We decided to explore the room to the right of the entryway.  It looked to be an old dining room with a table that looked like it had been recently cleaned.  Someone had been using it recently.  Then we heard voices coming from our right.  We cautiously followed them, listening from around the corner.

"I don't see what the big deal is," said person number one.

"The big deal is that it was $40 last week and it's $80 this week!" said person two.

"Supply and demand.  Either take it at $80 or walk away."

I peeked around the corner and recognized person one as one of the guys who beat me up.  The tattoo was identical.

"Nico, that guy was the one who beat me up," I whispered.  I had underestimated Nico's fury at my assailants.  He immediately rounds the corner shadows following.  Before I knew it the man had a coil of shadows wrapped around him.

"You messed with the wrong person." He said before shadow-traveling them somewhere.  Nico was back in a few minutes. "You should leave," He said to the second person in the room.  The person ran.

"Where did you go?" I asked.

"Shadow traveled him to the holding cell of the legion office. I had to briefly explain myself.  We will need to go there after this so I can explain further.  I told them I was on a time-critical mission."

"Can we keep looking?" Jake said anxiously.

We didn't find anyone else on the first floor so we made our way upstairs.  I wasn't ready for what I saw.  There were at least 10 people who seemed to be in various states of awareness.  For the moment we ignored them and kept searching.  We found 3 other people on the second floor but still didn't find Carra.

"Maybe there is an attic or basement?" I asked.

"Let's look," Jake said worriedly.

A few minutes later I found a door with a staircase leading down.  There were a lot of voices there.  I looked around the corner when we got to the bottom of the staircase.  About 5 people were looking over some papers and another 5 bagging some white powder and a few other people dealing with pills.  I motioned for Nico and Jake to look, and Nico signaled for us to go back up.

"What do we do?" I asked after we shut the door.

"I'm making an IM to emergency services.  They should be able to get ambulances and the legion here to deal with this.  Then we keep looking for Carra." Jake said as he walked outside through the back door.

"You're sure Carra is here?" I asked Nico.

"The smoke lead here.  Lou Ellen mixed that one herself.  Carra has to be here." He replied. About 30 seconds later Jake rejoined us.

"When I was outside I saw a balcony on the back of the house.  I think I saw someone up there.  Let's go look quietly."

When we got to the second floor it took us a minute to find the balcony, but when we did we found Carra. 

She was sitting on the balcony staring at a small baggie still filled with some pills.  Jake rushed over to her and cupped her face to force her to look at him.  "Did you take anything?" He asked urgently.  She broke down crying.  "Hey, it's going to be okay.  Did you take anything?"

"Yes,” she said ashamed.

“What did you take?” He asked.

“Some pills.  The high is wearing off,” she said staring at the floor.

It was then that I went over and kneeled in front of Carra. “I’m a medic.  Can I see your wrist so I can see if we need to take you to the hospital?”

“Yes,” she said holding out her wrist.

I was a little out of practice, but it came back quickly.  It looked like whatever she had originally taken had moved through her system.  “She is fine.”  Registering that there were a bag of pills within reach of three addicts I asked, “Nico, can you get rid of the pills?”

“On it,” he said as he threw the bag of pills into a shadow.

“No!” Carra said trying to grab the pills away from Nico, but he was too fast.

"Guys, we can finish this discussion downstairs outside.  There are some very bad people downstairs, and I don't want them finding us.  Also, I don't want to be in a house with a bunch of drugs when the legion gets here."  I said.

"The last thing any of us need is a drug charge," Jake said helping Carra up.  

We didn't talk until we went outside.

"Carra, what happened?" Jake asked.

Sniffling she asked, "Do I have to talk about it?  I think circumstances speak for themselves."

"We are going to talk about this. You took drugs for the first time in three years.  If you had found me here you wouldn't let me get away with not talking about it.”  Jake said.

"Why don't we go to a meeting?  You can discuss what happened there." I said.  After being tempted to pocket the pills for later, a meeting sounded like a good idea.

"There isn't a meeting on Tuesdays," Carra said still trying to pull it together.

"Not the usual one we go to on campus, but there is one on 7th and Cedar.  After this, I need one."  Nico shot me a worried look, and I saw him check my bracelet.  I didn't need to look down to know it was orange.  This whole thing was triggering.

"I didn’t mean for anyone to see me like this, sorry for bringing you down," Carra said in a small voice.

"It's not a problem.  If we leave now we should be able to make it." 

Nico pulled me to the side.  "Do you need me to come with you?"

"Nah, just meet me after.  I won't be alone." I said confidently.  Even though I was tempted at the moment I knew it was something I get through.

"Alright, I'll stay here and deal with the legion," Nico said before we left.

 

Notes:

So how are we all feeling about the story? Are you guys losing interest? If so I can try to work on getting to the end.

Nico update in the next chapter I think.

Chapter 88: NA Meeting 7th and Cedar

Notes:

Due to the continued interest, the story is going to go on as originally planed.

Jake had messaged his wife while we were walking to the meeting, so she knew that Carra was okay. It was a little odd to be at a different meeting when I had gotten used to the one on campus. There were four other people there.

"Mitchel?" I said surprised to see someone I recognized. He looked like a deer caught in headlights.  I'm sure I didn't look much different.

He grabbed my arm and took me to the side.  "Uh, Will, What are you doing here?"  He asked nervously.

"I'm going to an NA meeting. Since you're here, I imagine that you're going, too. Is this going to be a problem?"

"No," He said looking defeated. "I just didn't want anyone to know.  You won't tell anyone, right?" He said hopefully.

"I wouldn't dream of it," I assured him.

"Okay, it's five past, so let's start.  I'm Nate, a narcotics addict. Who wants to start?" A tall redheaded man said, and we took our sets.

"I'll start. I'm Derick and I'm a coke addict.  Today marks 60 days sober."  There were some congratulations exchanged. "I go back to work this week and I'm nervous.  The stress of my job drove me to use in the first place and now I have to go back into that environment."

"Have you thought about changing jobs? Oh yeah, I'm Eliza.  I'm a narcotics addict."

"I haven't had the mental bandwidth to look for another job.  I think that should be a priority though soon.  I'm not sure returning is in my best interest.  Eliza, how was your week?"

"Eliza, Adderal addict.  It was an improvement.  Rupert, my husband, finally decided to go to rehab.  His drinking became a problem about a year ago when he started his new job.  He started getting drinks with his coworkers after work a few times a week.  They are a bunch of finance frat boy types, who work hard and party harder.

Last week he got hammered at my sister's engagement party.  It was an embarrassing nightmare.  He tried to make a toast, but his words were so slurred no one could make heads or tails of what he was saying.  The next morning he didn't think he had done anything wrong.  I tried to convince him that he needed to stop drinking because he acted like an ass and always does when he was drunk.  He didn't believe me until my sister came over.  She was polite but asked that he not attend the wedding because she didn't want a scene.  That finally got through to him."

"The work hard party hard culture is what got me hooked.  When everyone around you is drinking or using it's hard to see it as anything but normal.  I'm glad he decided to get help." Derick said.

"Will, oxy addict.  It's hard to convince someone to get help when they don't want it.  I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks,"

Nate spoke next, "My week went terribly.  I'm a nurse at a nursing home and 2 of the people I care for passed away.  I took it really hard because one of them was close to my grandmother, and I had known her for a long time.  I'm proud that scoring drugs was one of my last thoughts.  I guess that's progress after a decade.  Do any of you want to share?" He said addressing Carra, Jake, Mitchel, and I.  "No, pressure."

Mitchel was the first to talk, "Mitchel, narcotics addict" he said with a grimace.  "I'm three days out of rehab and everything is harder than I imagined.  None of my family or friends besides Cindy know I have a problem.  I was on an intense quest that I have PTSD from.  I dropped out this semester because I couldn't imagine going to school after what I saw.  I wanted to take some time to get my head together.  When I got back from my quest I was immediately thrown into therapy.  I didn't click with my therapist and eventually, I gave up.  I had some pills left over from the time I broke my leg, and it had to heal the mortal way.  I just needed a break from the flashbacks.

Cindy came and checked on me about 2 months ago.  I was high as a kite when I answered the door.  She noticed immediately." Mitchel started to rub his temples.  "Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation while high?" There were several hums of understanding.  "I was all over the place and couldn't focus.  At some point, I agreed to get help, with the stipulation that no one could know.  She drove me an hour outside New Rome to a rehab facility run by some Apollo legacies.  When I came down from my high I couldn't believe she managed to get me into rehab."

"No one knows?" Nate asked.

"Yeah,"

"That's a mistake dude. You need a support system, and people who can hold you accountable."  Derick said.

"I'm too ashamed to tell anyone," Mitchel said while looking at his hands.  "I wouldn't even be here if Cindy hadn't forced me, and I would have left if I didn't know that she was watching the door."

I laughed and tried to stifle it but it didn't work. "I'm sorry Mitchel.  I'm not laughing at you.  I'm laughing because I relate.  A month ago Nico was standing outside the NA meeting I went to because he knew I would leave and get high if he didn't."

"Really?" He said surprised.

"I was having a hard day.  He babysat me for a few hours to make sure I didn't go off and get high."  I said ashamed.

"I've had those days," Jake said.

"Mitchel, why don't you try telling one person to at least start putting together a support system?" I said.

"How did you tell people?" He asked.

"I didn't get any choice in the matter.  I ODed and when I woke up in the hospital everyone knew.  I don't really have any advice about telling someone you're an addict."

"I'll think about it.  Do any of you guys want to talk? I'm done."

Jake and I both looked at Carra.  After she looked at the two of us she sighed, "Fine, I'll talk.  I'm Carra.  I'm a heroin addict.  I got a call from the court system telling me that my ex and former abuser is up for parole." Both Jake and I looked alarmed.  "I just didn't realize it would be so soon.  It isn't fair!  I have to be in the same room as that monster to testify why he shouldn't be released." She was tearing up, and I couldn't tell if it was from sadness or range.  "He had called me yesterday saying I should take him back.  The audacity of that man!  I still have the scars from him both physical and mental, and I don't know if they will ever heal.

Yesterday I sought out drugs because of the phone call from my ex.  My old dealer turns out wasn't in the game anymore and managed to talk me out of using.  Since I was still struggling Jake offered to let me stay at his house with him and his wife for the night.  When I got the phone call early this morning I left to go score.  The idea of having to see him again was so much.  I just wanted to check out." She looked up at the ceiling as if trying to stop the tears.  "I met a dealer at a drug house and bought whatever he had that would guarantee getting high quickly.  I didn't ask questions." Jake gave Carra a look that said 'Are you kidding me?', "I know it was stupid. I was just desperate.  I was told I was welcome to stay at the house to get high if I wanted.  I went off to get high on the second-story balcony."

"I was three years sober, and I'm jonesing like I'm fresh out of rehab.  This sounds terrible, but I can't decide if I'm grateful or not that I was stopped from taking more drugs."

"I totally get it.  About five years into my being sober my little sister got into a fight with a monster." I could see a visible shutter.  "She was in a coma and the doctors weren't certain if she would make it.  The stress and worry were all-consuming.  The second night she was in the hospital my brother-in-law caught me on the phone with my dealer." He let out a sigh. "My brother-in-law and sister wouldn't let me out of their site for the next week.  At that point, the shock of the attack had worn off and while I wasn't good I was better.  I credit make it through that week to them.  I wanted to be high, and I wasn't grateful at the time that my brother-in-law stopped me.  A few weeks later when she woke up I was so thankful that I made it through.  It looks like you have people who care for you. Ask for help until you can remember why you got sober," Nate said.

"We're here for you, okay?" Jake said while giving Carra a side hug. "When is the probation hearing?"

"Two days." She said flatly.

"You're staying at my house till this mess is over," Jake said.

"Okay,"

Nate spoke up next, "Do either of you want to share?  Going into a house full of drugs couldn't have been easy."

"Not going to lie, it brought up some bad memories.  A few years ago I was homeless and doing drugs in places like that.  I don't feel like returning to that time in my life." Jake said.

"I hadn't been around people getting high in a while.  It was triggering.  Getting away from the house I feel better." I said.

"Sorry I dragged you two in there," Carra said.

"You would have gone after me," Jake said with a small smile.  Carra smiled at that.

"Nothing to be sorry for,"  I said.

"Anything anyone else wants to discuss?" Eliza said.  No one said anything.  "I guess we are done here."

Going outside I saw Nico sitting on a bench waiting for me talking to someone.

"Will this is Cindy," Nico said as I was coming over.

"Pleasure to meet you."

"Mitchel?" Nico said confused as he looked around me.  "Weird place to run into you at. What are you doing here?"  Mitchel just froze panicked.  It took Nico a second to put the pieces together.  "Were you here for the meeting?"

Mitchel became very interested in his shoes. "Yeah," he mumbled.

Nico acted unphased, "I'm not judging.  If you ever want to talk about what happened I'm around."

Cindy went and wrapped her arm around Mitchel, "See, what did I say?  No one would give you shit about this as long as your trying."

"We need to get going.  Maybe talk to you later?" Mitchel said

"Yeah, sounds good."

Jake and Carra came over to where we were.  "So what happened at the house?" Jake asked.

"This was the last puzzle piece that needed to finally put all known associates of Gary away.  Thirteen people were sent to the hospital.  The drugs were tested to see if there was any fentanyl in them.  Carra, you got lucky.  All of the pills they tested had fentanyl in them."

Carra didn't say anything but simply looked away in shame.

"You're okay.  That's the important part." Jake said while forcing Carra to look up.

Nico suddenly didn't look well.  "Hey, are you okay?" I asked.  He didn't answer.  Suddenly he was unconscious on the ground.

"Nico!"

 

Notes:

Eliza (27 f) is a hot-shot lawyer and used Adderal to get through law school. After she got out she found that she needed drugs to get up and then she was so wired she needed them to sleep. After passing out mid-court from not sleeping she checked herself into rehab.

Derick (32 m) is a stock trader.

Nate (33 m) is a nurse and an Apollo legacy. He snapped after one of the battles the legion saw about 11 years ago. He stole a bunch of pills and left New Rome and his position in the legion. He was found 6 months later by some legion members sent to find him and bring him back. When the current praetor saw him his only punishment for desertion was being sent to rehab. He got better and went back to his position in the legion and served his remaining 2 years.
What do you guys think Will's reaction is going to be?ds

Chapter 89: Anorexia?

Will POV:

Jake, Carra, and I were sitting in the waiting room of the ER.  I couldn't make sense of the valves I read off Nico before the ambulance came.  It took an hour but a doctor finally came out, "Family of Nico di Angelo,"

I stood up to go talk to him.  It was at this point I realized I hadn't even contacted Hazel.  "I'm his boyfriend, I should be on his paperwork to share medical information with."

"Alright, we got him stable and have transferred him to the ICU."  The doctor said seriously.

"What is wrong with him?"  I asked urgently.

"He is extremely malnourished, dehydrated, has a low blood sugar, and difficulty breathing."

"What? How?" I asked confused.

"I think the physicians treating him in the ICU might better be able to answer your questions.  He is in room 313."  He said before leaving me bewildered.

After the doctor left Jake and Carra came over, "What is going on?  Is he okay?"

"The doctor didn't seem to know much besides that Nico was malnourished and a few other things.  He has been transferred to the ICU."

"Do you want us to come with you to see him?" Carra asked.

"No, I need to call his sister, and some other people before I go and see him."

"Alright, let us know if you need anything.  I'll check on you two tomorrow." Jack said before leaving the ER waiting room.

I went into one of the side conference rooms and made an IM to Hazel.

"Hazel," I said exhausted.

She looked happy to see me, and I was about to blow that up.  "What's up, Will?"  She asked cheerily.

"Nico is in the ICU," I said flatly.  I had run through all of my emotions and was feeling numb.

"What happened?  Was there an attack?"  She said as her face fell.

"I'm not exactly sure what happened.  We were talking and then he passed out.  The ER doctor said he was malnourished.  I don't know what to make of it."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Bye Hazel."

I decided that the rest of the calls could wait until after I saw Nico and had more answers.  I headed to the ICU slowly remembering the last time I was here.  There weren't exactly happy memories associated with the place. 

Nico was hooked up to several tubes and had an oxygen mask on.  He looked fine a few hours ago and now looked like he was dying.  As I was sitting in Nico's ICU room I did a quick medical evaluation.  I didn't like the disorders the symptoms brought to mind.  A few nurses and Dr. Adams came into the room and started setting something up.  Dr. Adams put his hand on Nico's wrist for a few minutes and looked deep in thought.

"Will, let's go for a walk.  They need to put in an NG tube and you don't need to watch that."  I followed Dr. Adams out of the room and we started walking down the hall.  "I'm going to be taking over Nico's care.  I assume you did your own medical exam and know what is going on?"

"I rather don't like the implications of what I found so I'd rather hear your thoughts."

"Nico has anorexia.  He was showing early signs of it when he left the Mental Health Facility.  Two weeks later it had really set in, but he refused to admit something was wrong and was dropped as Dr. Green's client for failure to comply with a treatment plan.  He is currently having some trouble breathing due to that and has done some amount of damage to his heart."

"If he was already showing warning signs why did you release him?" I asked a bit bewildered.

"It wasn't severe enough to warrant keeping him then."

"So what is the plan now?" I remembered how hard it was to get Gracie to come around.  I hoped that Nico would be easier.

"He needs to stay in the hospital for at least a week with the IV glucose and feeding tube to get him stabilized.  After that, we will see.  They are probably done putting in the NG tube if you want to walk back to him."

"Okay,"  I said processing what I was just told.

"I'll be by later to discuss this with Nico,"

Nico looked so sick. It was a wonder I hadn't seen it before. I kept going through the past few weeks and trying to figure out where I had missed it, but I could only think of random moments where he would stumble which I didn't think much of at the time. It wasn't like there was a neon sign that my boyfriend was sick.  I was pulled out of my thoughts by Hazel.

"Nico!"  She immediately went to the other side of the bed and took his other hand.  "Do we know what is wrong with him?"

"Yeah, he is extremely malnourished, and dehydrated.  His blood sugar is low.  He is having difficulty breathing, and his heart is damaged."

Hazel looked frightened, "Do the doctors know what is causing this?"

"Nico has anorexia."  It seemed like Hazel's brain had short-circuited, and she was frozen trying to process this information.

"Uh, forgive my ignorance, but I thought only girls got anorexia."  She said trying to understand.

"It's a mental disorder.  Anyone can develop it."  I explained.

"Do we know what caused this?"  She asked concerned.

"We will only know that when Nico wakes up, and we can ask him."  It seemed after this there was nothing to say and we fell into silence.  About a half hour later I remembered that I should IM Kyle and let him know I wouldn't be home tonight.  There was no way I was leaving Nico.

"Excuse me, I need to go send a message to Kyle," I said as I left the room.  I went to find a quiet room.  There was an empty waiting room down the hall.

"Oh Iris, goddess of the Rainbow, please accept my offering. Show me, Kyle James,"

"Kyle," I said getting his attention from whatever he was doing in the kitchen.

"Dude, are you okay?  You look like a mess." He asked worried.

"Not really.  Nico passed out and is now in the ICU." I said trying to let out some of my worry and frustration.

"Shit," He said looking frustrated, but he didn't look surprised.

"You knew about his anorexia, didn't you?" Whenever I saw Kyle and Nico together recently it always looked like they had just been fighting about something.  This was starting to make sense

He looked sheepish, "Yeah, I knew.  I was trying to get him to seek help before things got too bad, and it was forced on him.  I guess I wasn't successful.  How is he doing?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said frustrated.

"I was acting as a medic for him.  He didn't want me to let anyone know.  Since it was his private medical information I couldn't share it.  I kept telling him to tell you.  I wish I could have done more."

"I get it.  I don't like it, but I get it." I said understanding.

"How is he?  I knew he was getting bad, but I was hesitant to push through the paperwork to have him committed."

"He is malnourished, dehydrated, has low blood sugar, trouble breathing, and a damaged heart."

Kyle buried his head in his hand.  "I should have done more."

"Don't beat yourself up.  You know better than most how quickly an eating disorder can get out of control."

"I do.  Are you staying at the hospital tonight?" 

"Yeah, I don't want to leave him until he wakes up."

"Have the doctors indicated how long that may take?"

"No, they haven't,"  I said worried.

"Take care of yourself, and try to sleep some tonight."

"Thanks.  I have a few more messages to send."

"I'll leave you to it.  Bye."

"Bye."

"Oh Iris, goddess of the Rainbow, please accept my offering. Show me, Jason Grace,"

When the screen popped up I saw Jason, Percy, and Annabeth.  "Hey," I said exhausted.

"Will, what's up?" Jason said causally.

"Nico is in the hospital."  All heads immediately snapped to the Iris message.

"Is he okay?" Percy immediately asked.

"What happened?" Jason asked at the same time.

"Boys chill.  Let Will talk." Annabeth said trying to calm the panicked two.

"Nico met me after an NA meeting and passed out.  Turns out he has been hiding having anorexia for a while." All three of their eyebrows shot up at this.  "He has a few complications due to that."

"Is he going to be okay?" Percy asked.

"There is no reason he can't recover, but if he will remains to be seen.  Eating disorders are notoriously hard to treat." I said, for the first time thinking about Nico's chance of recovering.

"What can we do?" Annabeth asked.

"Be there for him when he wakes up.  He has an uphill battle to go."

"Let us know when he wakes.  How are you handling this?"  Jason asked.

This was the first time I thought about myself in a while.  "I guess I'm coping.  I'm worried."

"We are here for both you and Nico," Jason said. "Let us know if we can do anything."

"Alright. See you later."

"Bye." They all said.

Notes:

What do you think Nico's reaction is going to be when he wakes up?

Chapter 90: Getting Perspective

Notes:

So I've been sick recently and extremely stressed so the updates are probably going to be slower for a while. I just have a lot going on.

That evening was uneventful. Fortunately, Nico's breathing had become easier, but there was no indication of when he would wake up. I didn't sleep well in the hospital room. I was too worried if I fell asleep something would happen. Around 2 am I finally fell asleep. I briefly left to get breakfast and lunch but I didn't miss anything. Nico was going on 24 hours of being unconscious and I was worried and stressed. 

Jake came in after lunch, "How is he doing?"

"He is breathing better, but other than that no change."

"Do they know what is wrong with him?"

"Anorexia," I responded dully.  I still wasn't sure what exactly I felt about Nico having anorexia and what I felt about him hiding it.  Until I figured out what I felt I was just projecting the numbness that I decided to feel instead of extreme worry.

"That's rough." He said as he took a seat beside me.  "Do you know when he might wake up?"

"No,"  It seemed like everyone had the same questions.

"How are you doing?"

"Fine," I replied.

Jake raised his eyebrows. "Fine, really?  You just found out your boyfriend has a potentially deadly mental illness.  He has been out for the last 24 hours.  I don't believe you're fine."

"Okay, I'm not fine, and I'm struggling.  Is that what you want to hear?" I said frustrated.

"Only if it is true," Jake said giving me a pointed stare.

"Ugh, it's true," I said burying my head in my hands.  If I was going to have a conversation about how I was doing with this whole mess I'm glad Hazel had decided to go get lunch.

"I unfortunately need to leave to make the meeting in time.  You should join me.  You could use it."  Just then Hazel came back from lunch.

"I want to be here in case he wakes up."

"You really should come to the meeting.  It might help."

"Will, you should go.  Nico would want you to take care of yourself.  I'll IM you if he wakes up."  Hazel interjected.

"Fine," I said getting up to follow Jake out.

The walk there was quiet and did little to distract me from my thoughts.  Since this whole thing started I felt like I couldn't put two sentences together.  It was all overwhelming and I didn't know what to feel.  It only felt like two minutes later when we walked in the door of the Biology Building.

I must have looked as out of sorts as I felt because Matt greeted me with, "You look awful.  Rough week?"

"Give him a break.  His boyfriend is in the hospital." Jake spoke for me.

"Sorry man.  That's rough.  Want to get started?  I imagine you want to get back to the hospital."  Anderson chimed in.

"Are we waiting on Carra?" It took me that long to notice she wasn't here.

"She is having a girl's day with Penelope, trying to take her mind off the hearing tomorrow," Jake said.

"Well she deserves some time to herself," I said, happy she was taking care of herself.

"So who wants to start?" Matt said as we all sat down.  

"I can," Carrie said meekly. "Carrie, narcotics addict.  I don't know how to handle this week.  My sister and I started getting high together when she was 18 and I was 16.  She got caught about six months later by our parents and went to rehab.  After she got sober she went to NRU.  She never spilled my secret that I was getting high, but was always trying to get me to turn my life around.  When I got caught and was sent to rehab she was my biggest supporter.  By this point, she was married with a 1-year-old.  Something happened this week.  She knocked on the door of my apartment completely high.  When she sobered up she begged me not to tell anyone.  She had some fight with her husband and wanted to blow off steam.  If she can't stay sober with her husband and kid relying on her, how can I?"

"You're not the same person.  Just because she relapsed doesn't mean that you will." Matt said.

"Is she getting any kind of help?" Anderson asked.

"I don't know.  She didn't want to talk about it.  She apologized for bothering me and left.  I don't even know if her husband knows.  I'm unsure if it was a one-time thing or if she is off the rails.  I don't know how to take care of her."

"As harsh as it sounds she isn't your responsibility to fix.  I know that sounds like you are abandoning her but you're not." I said.

"How is saying 'this isn't my problem' not abandoning her?!" Carrie exclaimed in frustration.

"You're no good to her high.  If by taking care of her you're putting yourself at risk you shouldn't be doing it.  From what you said if she was in her right state of mind I have a feeling she would agree."  I said.  I wouldn't be any good to Nico if I couldn't take care of myself.

"Thanks for the input.  That's all for me this week.  Someone else go."

"Matt, narcotics addict.  My roommate and I got into a fight.  I found vodka in the house, and we had decided together to not have alcohol in the house.   It didn't help that I found the vodka right after failing an exam.  It's just way too tempting to have in the house." Matt said.

"Did you get the fight resolved?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, we went back to our original agreement and decided it would be better if we didn't room together next year.  He left the alcohol at another friend's apartment.  The vodka was a gift and he also had gotten sick of having to crash at other people's houses when he got drunk."

"At least you found a solution," I said feeling sorry for him for losing his roommate.

"Anderson, how was your week?" Matt asked as a way of moving on.

"Anderson, coke addict.  Good, no complaints. Jake or Will?"

I just looked at Jake not feeling up to talking at the moment.  "I'm Jake, a narcotics addict.  Penelope and I are still trying to work things out.  Having Carra over at the house has given us something to focus on besides our problems, so things between us have gotten momentarily better.  I'm so frustrated.  We were getting close to a good place before I used.  Why did I have to trash all of that progress?"  Jake said with a sigh of frustration.

"You didn't trash all of the progress.  It's not like you went back to square one.  It was just a setback.  That setback had consequences, but you're not starting over." Anderson inputted.

"After I overdosed Nico and I were in a bad spot. I made it worse later, but we worked through it albeit with counseling.  We got there.  You will too." I said with a smile.  I hoped it helped at least a little.

"Thanks.  So how are you feeling about your boyfriend being in the hospital?" Jake asked.

"So for some context, I just found out my boyfriend has anorexia and his health is in a scary place.  As far as feelings about it go, I'm trying to push away my feelings and stay numb."

"Pushing your feelings down is a great way to have them all explode at once.  Why don't you want to face them?" Anderson asked.

"If I let myself feel anything about the situation I'm immediately angry and pissed which isn't fair to Nico.  This isn't the first person I've seen with anorexia, and I know it's a real mental disorder.  I shouldn't be mad at him for something he can't help."

"Throw out the idea that you shouldn't be mad and tell us why you're mad.  Instead of trying to tell yourself you're wrong for the way you feel acknowledging it might help."  Carrie said.

I took a breath and tried to stop pushing away what I was feeling.  "I got so much crap for hiding my addiction from him, and he hid this from me which is just as deadly.  Gosh," I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "I know he didn't choose this, but how could he do this to himself?!"

Anderson spoke up next, "My cousin has Bipoler 1 and when she goes off of her meds I feel the exact same way.  Her mental illness is why she goes off of her meds, but when she does it she destroys herself and everything around her.  I know it isn't her fault but I'm so mad.  The thing I try to do is not to show it to her when she is trying to recover, because that doesn't help her.  I find other places to talk about what I'm feeling or hobbies I can funnel my anger into.  Shoving the feeling down doesn't make it go away."

"I'm also worried as Hades.  I watched my sister struggle with this and it was a nightmare.  I remember the screaming matches, and having to hold her while she fought having a feeding tube.  I just don't know how to go through that with Nico.  I'm worried he is in denial and if that is the case getting him to accept help will be a nightmare."

"He has doctors.  You don't have to fix him.  You just need to be there for him."  Matt said.

"Thanks for the perspective but I need to get back to the hospital.  Can we be done here?"

"Unless anyone objects I think that is enough for one day," Jake said and everyone got up to leave.

Before heading back to the hospital I pulled Jake to the side. "Thanks for insisting I come.  I think it helped."

"You're welcome, man.  I hope that Nico recovers," He said as he patted me on the shoulder, and I left for the hospital.

 

Chapter 91: You Want to Tell Me What's Going On?

Nico POV:

Waking up was odd. I was clearly in a medical facility of some sort, but I couldn't remember how or why I was there.

"Good, you're up," Will said clearly bothered by something.

"Yeah, what happened?"

"We met up after my NA meeting, and on the walk home you passed out." He said concerned.

"Oh," I should have known this was coming. I wouldn't be able to hide what was going on forever.

"You don't sound surprised. Is there something you want to tell me?" Will said with a look that said he already knew.

"Uh..." Then I noticed something on my face.  When I reached up to see what it was I was horrified to find it was a feeding tube.  It was then that I noticed something going into my IV.  I instinctively tried to pull out the feeding tube when Will quickly and firmly grabbed my hands. I couldn't stop from crying.  How was this happening? How did everything get so out of control?

"If you take it out, they will just put it back in. Please let us do this the easy way, " he said sadly. "You are extremely malnourished. Your body needs the extra calories."

This wasn't happening.  The one thing I could control was being wrestled away from me.  I could feel the world closing in around me.  There wasn't enough air.

"Hey Nico look at me. Breathe.  In for four out for six."  After a few minutes of that, I was just silently crying.  I again tried desperately to put out the feeding tube.

"Nurse!" Will called as he did his best to restrain my hands.  Before I knew it my hands were in soft cuffs.  Will was apologizing the entire time.  "Hon, I know this is scary, but you need to let the doctors do their job.  You're sick."

Dr. Adams came in then, "Ah, I'm glad to see you are awake.  You gave us quite a scare."

"Um... sorry, how long was I out?"

"48 hours," Will said emotionless.  I could tell that this was wearing him out physically and emotionally.

"When can I get out of here?  When can I get this tube out?" I needed some air.  Who knows how many calories they had forced into me by now?  Suddenly I felt nauseous.  Will luckily seemed to notice and handed me a trash can I promptly threw up in. 

"I was worried that might happen." Dr. Adams said concerned.  He handed me a glass of water, and I accepted gratefully.  Dr. Adams then took a seat.  

"Nico, you're anorexia has gotten out of control."  I panickedly look at Will.  If he didn't already know he does now.

Dr. Adams looked uncomfortable, "Um... I'm sorry. I had just assumed since he was on your paperwork it was okay to share information with him.  Will, would you mind stepping outside?"

"No, no.  It's fine he can stay."  There wasn't much point in hiding anything anymore.

"Are you sure?" Will asked.

"It's not like you don't already know."

"So going back to your first question about how long you are going to be staying here there isn't a definitive answer to that.  Your blood sugar is too low, as is your heart rate.  When you first got here you were having trouble breathing.  I imagine you feel awful and weak.  We are going to admit you to the psych medical floor until you have stabilized, and we will reevaluate from there.  As far as the feeding tube goes that needs to stay until you are eating again and have gained enough weight to get you out of the danger zone."

"Danger zone?" I asked confused.

"Sweetheart, if you don't stop you are in danger of going into a coma, having seizures, having heart failure, and dying," Will said in a nonjudgmental way.

I immediately retorted, "It's not that bad.  I'm not going to stay in the hospital.  I want to go home."  I moved to sit up off of the pillows to get out of bed but then the world started spinning, and I fell back.

"Nico, you don't have enough strength to leave the hospital now.  It is that bad." Dr. Adams said.

Hazel came in, "You're awake!" she said as she rushed to give me a hug. "Don't scare me like that."

"I'm going to step out," Dr. Adams said as he left.

"It's okay.  I'm fine." I replied to Hazel.

She backed up and gave me a stern look. "You are not fine.  You have anorexia.  You're very sick."

I immediately looked to Will, "Who all did you tell?" I asked frustrated.  I was fine.  I didn't want everyone to think I was sick.

"Hazel, Percy, Annabeth, Jason, apparently Kyle already knew," He gave me a pointed stare, "and the people at my NA meeting."

"And I told Frank," Hazel hesitantly added.

I threw my head back in frustration.  "Why did you have to tell everyone?  Now everyone is going to be worried for no reason."

"You just spent two days unconscious!  There is definitely reason to be worried.  You have a mental illness that will kill you if you don't get help."  Will said frustrated.  "Gracie all over again," He mumbled.

"I'm not Gracie," I said firmly.  I remembered how stressed Will was with Gracie, and I wasn't putting him through that.  He was overreacting.

"You're not, but you have the same illness.  You're reacting similarly to how she did when confronted with the truth." Ouch.

"This is just a misunderstanding.  I'm not sick." I said desperately.

"Why would I lie to you?"  Will said with compassion taking my hand.

I looked at him stunned.  Why would he lie to me?  He wouldn't.  Will is the best healer I know and if he thinks I'm sick...

"You really think I have anorexia?" I asked nervously.  I continued, "I don't want to hear what Dr. Adams said.  I want to hear your evaluation."  

"You want me to go through the diagnostic criteria with you?"  He asked surprised. 

"I trust your medical opinion more than anyone else," I said seriously.

"I'll step out and let you talk privately," Hazel said as she left the room.  She seemed to be silently communicating something to Will but I didn't understand.  Will grabbed my wrist and concentrated on something.

"Your body weight and BMI are both well below normal.  Do you think that is a problem?" He asked clinically.  I could tell Will had shifted from boyfriend mode to doctor mode.

"I think my body weight is fine." I was fine.

"Does the idea of gaining weight frighten you?" I recalled my panic at having a feeding tube.

"Yes,"

"When was the last time you ate?"

"A day before I passed out,"

"What did you eat?"

"Bowl of cereal"

"What else did you eat that day?"

"Nothing," Will did little to hide the look of worry.

"Is it common for you to skip meals?" He asked.

"Yes," Will was painting a picture, and I didn't like it.

"Do you think your physical appearance is skinny, normal, or overweight?"

"Normal,"  Sure I had lost some weight but was in the range of normal.

"Do you find a sense of control associated with how much you do or don't eat?"

"Yes," No point in lying at this stage.

"Do you vomit after eating?"

"No,"

"You're physically malnourished still.  Your blood sugar has recovered but your blood pressure is still low.  Your heart shows clear signs of damage from not having enough nutrition.  While your breathing has stabilized when you were admitted you were having trouble breathing." Will paused for a moment and took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, and I wish I had a different diagnosis for you.  All of your symptoms line up with a classic presentation of anorexia nervosa."

Notes:

So I don't have the rest of this arc written. What would you like to see? What do you think should happen?

Chapter 92: Visit from Hades

Notes:

I have the chapter done so what is really the point of making you guys wait?

Nico's POV:

"All of your symptoms line up with a classic presentation of anorexia nervosa," Will looked saddened by what he was saying.  Hearing it I think was probably 10 times worse.

"Um... Can I have some time alone?" I needed to get out all of these emotions without an audience.

"Sure, I need to go take a shower.  I'll be back later okay?" He said as he kissed me and left.  Once he was gone I stopped holding back my feelings and started sobbing.  How could this be happening?  No one would believe me that I was fine.  They were forcing treatment on me that I didn't need or want.

"I had hoped Apollo's warning would have been enough to spare you this," This came from a dark figure in the corner.

"Dad? What are you doing here?" I said trying to stop my tears.

"You're sick.  I’m worried you're going to be making your final trip to my realm soon, sick, and far too early for my liking."

"I'm fine." I insisted. His eyebrows raised at that. I couldn't accept being sick.  

"You're calling Apollo, Will, and myself liars?  I should have intervened before now.  I was hoping you weren't past the point of reason." He said clearly troubled.

I couldn't do anything more than stare at my dad.  He wasn't one for dramatics.  That meant he was serious. "Final trip?" That was a sobering thought.  Sure Will said I could die, but the Lord of the Underworld predicting your death is infinitely different.

"Yes," He said as he took a seat in the room. "Check your death aura if you don't believe me."  I did just that. I had never turned my powers inward before, and it took a minute to figure out. Once I did I did not like what I saw. It was dark, scary dark.  I had rarely seen anyone walking and talking with a death aura so dark.

"Am... Am I dying?" I asked nervously.

"Not right now, but that could easily change if you don't let them help you."

My death aura was the one thing I could not explain away or claim people were overreacting to.  I'd had severe panic attacks when Will's death aura was half as dark as mine was.  "I'm sick?" I asked.

"Very." Hades said.  "Can you accept that?"

"I don't know," I said honestly.  There was indisputable evidence in front of me and I just couldn't force myself to face it.

"I had hoped you would be more receptive to help.  If you need me let me know.  I must go now."  He said as he left.

"Hey man, how are you doing?" Percy asked as he came into the room a minute later.  "You scared me."

"Uh... Sorry," I didn't want anyone to worry.

"I don't think it's your fault." He said kindly as he sat down where Hades had just sat.  "How are you handling things?" He asked nervously.  It was then that I remembered that Percy had done the whole trying to convince someone who didn't want help to get better before with Annabeth.  That was probably the reason for his hesitation.  Annabeth at first tried to rip his head off.

"Handling what exactly?" I asked wondering exactly where he wanted to go with this.

"Being in the hospital, getting the anorexia diagnosis,"

"I'm fine," I wasn't fine.  I was a hair short of dying according to my death aura.  I didn't want to die, but I had to be fine.  Everyone couldn't be right.  I just wanted control of something.  This wasn't fair.  Why was my coping mechanism killing me? I was trying to keep my tears in.  

"I was hoping you wouldn't be like this." Percy looked disappointed but like he expected it.

"Like what?"

"In denial.  It's okay.  Sometimes it takes some more time to realize you aren't well.  What did the doctor say?"

"That I came in with trouble breathing, and my heart rate is low.  Will said I did damage to my heart and my BMI and body weight are below normal.  That there isn't a definitive answer to when I'll be going home.  They are going to admit me to the med psych floor after this until I stabilize."

"That is tough.  I'm sorry you're doing so bad.  I'm glad they are admitting you to psych."  I felt betrayed by this statement, and it must have shown. "Nico you need it.  What's with the soft cuffs?"

"I tried to take the feeding tube out and Will called the nurse."  Percy looked so disappointed.  It looked like Percy wanted to say something but was interrupted by the nurse coming in with food.

"Lunchtime," She said as she sat down a plate of grilled chicken, carrots, rice, and something that looked like chocolate milk.  She then undid the cuffs.  "If you rip out your IV or feeding tube I'll be putting those back on you.  Eat as much as you can."   I wasn't going to eat this.  It seemed disgusting. I pushed it away. "You need to at least drink some of the meal replacement shake." So that's what that was.  I definitely wasn't going to eat that now.  Those things were loaded with calories intentionally.  I remember Will trying to get Gracie to drink them.  I couldn't remember the calorie count off the top of my head but I knew it was too much.

"I'm not eating this,"  I protested.

"Nico, you're killing yourself,"  Percy said trying to convince me to eat.

"That's what my dad said," I replied.  Percy looked shocked.  

"I guess it makes sense your dad came with you being this sick.  What did he say?"

"I was in danger of making my final trip to his realm," I said knowing how bad it sounded.  Percy's eyes locked on to mine but seemed at a loss as to what to say.  I could see fear in the son of Posiden.  

"Nico, do you want to die?" He asked hesitantly.

"No," I replied immediately.  No matter how bad my depression and PTSD had gotten I didn't want to die.  I'd miss everyone too much.

"Then what are you doing?" Percy asked desperately.  "Some part of you must know this is bad for you."  I couldn't bring myself to say anything.  What was I going to say? I'm fine but everyone says I'm dying. Percy took a deep breath.  "I'm sorry. I know this isn't your fault, and mental illness doesn't follow logic. I know asking you to eat is like telling a depressed person just to be happy.  It doesn't work like that.  It's bigger than that."

That was the most understanding thing anyone had said since this whole nightmare had started.  It made me cry to have someone trying to understand.  It seemed like my emotions were all over the place, and I couldn't control them.

"Hey, whoa, I didn't mean to upset you," Percy said worried. "It's going to be okay."

Deciding to stop ignoring the evidence in front of me I said, "I don't know how to stop," between sobs. I curled up my legs and hid my face behind my knees.  I couldn't stand feeling this way.

"That's what the professionals are for." The son of Posiden said calmly as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.  "You can get better."  We sat that way for quite a while until I felt Will's death aura darken.

"Will! Percy let go of me!" I said urgently.

"What is going on?" He said as he let go of me confused.

I tried to shadow travel just to land exactly where I started.  "Damn it!" I said frustrated.

"Did you just try to shadow travel?! Dude, you're in no condition!" Percy scolded.  "Also I would bet your room is enchanted to prevent what you just tried to do."

"Never mind that! Will's death aura darkened! I need to get to him."  I said panicked.

"Calm down. Is he dying?" Percy asked calmly but urgently.

It took me a moment to focus enough to tell if that was the case. "No...He... isn't," I said between gulps of air.  I couldn't get enough air.

"Then there is no reason to panic." Percy reasoned.

"You... don't understand!... The last time... this happened... and I didn't know... where he was... he cut and... overdosed."

"Nico you need to breathe.  Let's IM him.  That way we can check."  Percy produced a prism from his pocket and made an Iris Message.  Will appeared through the rainbow unconscious.

"Will!" Nico said. "Will!  Percy, he isn't responding!"  As I said this the message ended as Jason walked through it.

"What is going on?" Jason said looking concerned. 

Fortunately for me, Percy explained as I was hyperventilating.  "Will's death aura has darkened.  Nico tried to shadow travel and landed himself back in bed.  We just tried IMing him, and he wasn't responsive." 

Jason understood my panic, "I'll go find him.  This won't be like last time Nico.  I'll ensure he is fine, and if I can I'll bring him back here. Okay?"

"Alright," I said glad there was at least something being done.  Jason didn't waste any time and left.

"Percy... I can't handle him... overdosing again." I said panicked.  I had every worst-case scenario going through my head.

"Whoa, Nico slow down.  That isn't happening right now," Percy said trying to calm me down.

"But..."

"Nico, think through this.  Will has been sober for months now.  An overdose is an unlikely reason for his death aura darkening.  Also, an overdose would mean he was dying, and you said he wasn't dying."

"But... he wasn't responding!" I said while still crying.

"He could have just been in a deep sleep." Percy tried to reason.

A nurse walked in concerned. "What's going on?  Are you in pain?"

"He is having a panic attack.  Can you help him?" Percy asked hopefully addressing the nurse.

"Give me a minute to check with the doctor to see if I can give him a mild sedative to help him calm down."  The nurse said before exiting.

"I don't... need... a sedative," I said while trying to force myself to calm down.  I was unsuccessful.  I was still hyperventilating.

"Nico, you need to stop hyperventilating or you're going to pass out," Percy said moving into my line of sight.  I was starting to see spots so he may have had a point.

It was about 5 minutes later when the nurse returned with a sedative.  Percy had given up on getting me to calm down at this point. I still couldn't catch my breath.

"Nico, do you want a sedative to help with your panic attack?"  The nurse kindly asked.  I realized there was no way I going to be calming down till I saw Will for myself, and that could take another half hour at least.  If this could help get me back to a point where I was just crying I would take that.

"Yes... please,"  When I said that she put something into my IV I started feeling exhausted pretty soon afterward.  It didn't knock me out but I stopped hyperventilating.  I couldn't stop worrying about Will though.

Percy would periodically say things like, "I'm sure Will is fine." He seemed to understand that anything that wasn't about Will right now would fall on deaf ears.

When Jason walked in with Will behind him announcing, "I've got him," I cried tears of relief.  As the first sob broke through Will rushed over worried.

"Hey, calm down.  I'm here." He said as he hugged me.  What I had registered even in my worried-induced haze no one had said Will was fine.

"What happened?" I asked.  I was only mildly calming down seeing Will.  There could always be something serious I couldn't see.  I knew Will would always put taking care of me before his wellbeing.  He could just be here before going and getting treated for whatever was wrong.

"Come on Percy.  Let's give them some privacy."  When Jason said this I knew not all was well.

Notes:

So how do you think the conversation between Will and Nico is going to go?

Chapter 93: How is Will coping?

Will's POV:

"All of your symptoms line up with a classic presentation of anorexia nervosa," I said heartbroken at the diagnosis.  I knew what I told him was the truth, but the look on his face was shattering.

"Um... Can I have some time alone?" He said looking like he was barely holding it together.

"Sure, I need to go take a shower.  I'll be back later okay?" I said as I kissed him on the forehead.  Once I was two feet away from his door I heard the most heart-wrenching sob from Nico.  It just broke me.  I started mindlessly walking when I literally ran into Percy.

"Hey, whoa, are you okay?" Percy asked while preventing me from falling.  "Is Nico okay?"

"Yeah... no. Neither one of us is okay.  Nico is having a breakdown over the diagnosis,  I'm not sure if he believes me that he is sick, but I wasn't prepared for his steadfast denial of his problem.  I was hoping that now since the problem was out in the open he could admit to it, but he kept insisting he was fine."

"How are you handling this?"

"Not great.  I need to go home and take a break.  Also, you might want to wait a little bit before going to visit Nico.  He said he wanted some time alone."

"Oh, sure. I'll go grab something to eat then.  If you ever need to talk I'm here."

"Thanks," I said as I left.

-----

I was staring at the ceiling wondering where I missed it.  Certainly, there were signs.  Kyle caught it.  Why couldn't I? Ugh. All I wanted was to relax and calm down.  My stress levels were through the roof, and I needed some way out.  I knew my mind was wading into dangerous territory.  I should find someone, so I wasn't alone. I didn't feel like I had the strength left to fight back against one of my worst habits after the last 2 days.  I'd like to say I struggled with the decision to cut before I did it, but I didn't.  The promise of relief was just too much.

After I finished I was light-headed.  After checking that I hadn't cut anywhere too deep I felt my adrenaline crash, and I was exhausted.  The last 48 hours caught up to me, and I could barely keep my eyes open.  I crawled into bed and fell fast asleep.

I heard someone pounding on my door which brought me out of a deep sleep.  The pounding wouldn't stop.

"Hold your horses! I'm coming." I said as I tried to wipe the sleep out of my eyes.  I opened the door to find a distressed Jason.

"Good you're awake," He said as he started to examine me with a critical eye.

"Is Nico okay?" I said realizing that was probably the source of distress.

"Besides panicking over you he is doing just as well as when you left. I imagine."

"Panicking over me?" I said nervously realizing where this was going.

"Your death aura darkened and caused Nico to have a panic attack.  He tried to shadow travel here, but his room is enchanted, so he can't leave.  After an bit he tried to IM you but you were asleep or passed out.  He wasn't sure.  I arrived shortly after he tried that.  I offered to check on you and bring you back, so he could see for himself that you were fine.  You look fine so what gives and don't tell me it's nothing?"

I started scratching the back of my neck and looked at the floor.  This was all too familiar.  I suddenly remembered Jason coming to my dorm for the same reason.  There was no point in obfuscating this time.  

"I... uh..." The words seem to catch in my throat.  I decided it would be easier just to show him than try to tell him what happened.  I rolled up the side of my shirt to reveal the cuts on my side.

"Self-harm?" He asked non-judgementally.

"Uh, yeah."

Jason walked past me asking, "Where is your first aid kit?"

"Under the bathroom sink,"

"Sit on the couch.  I'll look over you and get you patched up," Jason said.

"I'm a medic.  I can take care of myself." I protested half-heartedly as I sat on the couch.

"I know you can take care of yourself, " he said as he returned. "So why haven't you?"

"It hurt more like this,"  I said ashamed.  Jason gave me a pitying look.

"Let me get your blood pressure to see if you're okay.  Then I'll bandage you up."  He said compassionately.

"You don't need to.  I'm okay." I protested.  I didn't much like being on the side of being cared for.

"You left your cuts untreated so they would hurt more.  I'm not currently trusting you to evaluate yourself.  Now give me your arm."

I did as instructed. "How do you know how to do this?"

"I know some of the basics.  It wouldn't do to be caught on a quest without a healer, and die because no one knew how to do a basic health check."

"I guess that makes sense,"

"90/60 low but fine.  None of these need stitches." He said talking to himself as he started to bandage up the cuts.

"When is your next therapist appointment?" He asked as he finished.

"A little under two weeks,"

"You should call your therapist and schedule an earlier appointment,"

"It's not that big of a deal,"  Jason looked bewildered.

"It's not that big of a deal?! I had to find the body of one of my legion members because of cutting.  You went to the psych ward because you couldn't quit.  It's just as big a deal as your drug addiction, but the only difference is this isn't illegal.  Do you want to try that again?" Jason said furiously.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly.

I heard keys entering the lock and Kyle entered.  

"Guys, what's going on?" He asked sensing the tension in the room.

"Will is just going to call his therapist," Jason said while looking at me.

"Something else happen?" Kyle asked confused.

Jason gave me a look that said he was going to explain if I didn't. "Uh, I cut," I said without meeting Kyle's eye.  When I did look up I saw Kyle's eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, go make that call.  We'll talk afterward." He said, and I went back to my room to call Travis.  After making an appointment for tomorrow I returned to the living room.

"Sorry I was so harsh earlier," Jason said.

"It's okay. I needed the reality check."  I had tried hard to convince myself it wasn't a big deal.  Jason shook me out of that.

"Sit," Kyle said motioning to the couch.  "Now, what happened?"

"When Nico woke up he was in full denial and tried to rip out his feeding tube.  He insisted he didn't have a problem even though he couldn't get out of bed.  He said he trusted my judgment more than the doctor's so had me go through his symptoms.  Not shockingly I came to the same conclusion.  He has anorexia.  He asked to be left alone, so I came home.  After getting a shower I started to spiral.  I just don't understand how I missed that he was this sick.  It took him passing out in front of me for me to even notice. 

Nico's reaction reminded me so much of Gracie's.  It was a nightmare trying to treat her.  The constant denial and self-sabotage were so hard to watch.  That doesn't even touch on how it felt to see her get worse and have to be admitted.  Nico has already reached the point of needing to be hospitalized!" I wasn't sure when I had started to cry but the tears were flowing freely. "I just wanted/want a mental break,"

Kyle gave me a side hug, "It's going to be okay.  Nico can recover.  I know that better than most.  Next time come to us.  You have a safety plan and a support system for a reason."

"Is there anything we can do?" Jason asked kindly.

"No one can solve this problem, but Nico," I said sadly trying subtally to push into my side for pain to ground me. Kyle noticed and grabbed my arm.

"Stop.  You don't need this.  When is your appointment with Travis?"

"Tomorrow," I said drying up my tears.

"Would seeing Nico help or hurt?  I can go back and tell him you're okay, as long as I'm not leaving you alone." He said looking to Kyle at the end.

"I don't have anywhere I need to be," Kyle said.

"I don't need babysitting." I protested.

"Evidence to the contrary bro," Kyle said.

"So, Nico? Yes or No?" Jason asked.

"I can go," I said getting up from the couch. "At least I can alleviate his worry."

Notes:

What do you all think? I saw some interest in Gracie one shots. Does anyone have anything specific that they want to see?

Chapter 94: Frustration

Nico POV:

(Back at the hospital)

"Again, what happened?" I asked on the verge of another panic attack.  Will looked visibly uncomfortable.

He whispered, "I relapsed, self-harm."  Even though this was one of the many scenarios that had gone through my head in the last hour it didn't make it any less heartbreaking to hear.

"This wasn't another suicide attempt, was it?"  Will's eyes widened at my question.

"Gods, that's what you thought happened? No wonder you panicked.  No, not another attempt."  He said showing obvious worry about me.

"How bad was it this time?  Do you need medical attention?" I needed to know the extent of the harm that he had done to himself.

"A few surface-level cuts, none deep enough for stitches.  Jason already looked me over and bandaged them.  I'm so sorry I worried you.  Jason already gave me the 'This is a big deal' speech, and Kyle gave me the 'You should have used your support system' speech."

"Why did you cut?" I asked still trying to understand.

"I was stressed and exhausted.  I needed to be able to zone out and feel less overwhelmed."

"If you are in trouble you are supposed to call me!" I said feeling some of my worry turn into anger.

Will took my tone and it seemed to light a fire somewhere within him because his next response was, "I can't call you now!"

"What?" I said confused.

"Damn, this is going to sound harsh," he muttered before saying, "You're sick.  You need to be taking care of yourself not me.  Right now you are not reliable help."

"I'm fine." Liar.

I could see Will's jaw tighten and hand move toward where I assumed he had cut. Before I said something about it he took a deep breath and dropped his hand.  This conversation must be putting him on edge.

"You're not, and I hope some part of you knows that,"  He said seriously.

What was I going to say? I don't know how to stop.  I don't see my behavior as a problem.  I don't want to stop.  The idea of being a "healthy" weight freaks me out so much I want to cry.

I'm guessing I had been silent for too long.  Will let go of my hand and went to sit in the place previously occupied by Percy.   He tilted his head back and was pinching the bridge of his nose.  Both of us seemed at a loss for what to say.  I noticed Will going through deep breathing exercises as his bracelet was switching between orange and red.  He was struggling hard.  I couldn't help, because I was the problem.  After a few minutes, his bracelet settled back to gold.

"I need some air," Will said.  Those words hit like a ton of bricks because they were the same words I used leaving his hospital room when he refused help.  I was stunned and couldn't even form a response before Will was out the door.  Jason came back in while I was still trying to figure out what I should have said to Will.

"So, I'm guessing that didn't go great,"  Jason said as he came into the room not bothering to take a seat.  "What happened? Will looked pretty upset."

"Where is Percy?" I asked avoiding the question.

"With Will.  Now answer."

"We talked about Will's relapse.  It was going fine until I told him he should call me if he needed help.  He said he couldn't rely on me.  I told him I was fine.  He said I wasn't, and after a few minutes of silence, he left saying he needed some air.  Shit.  I think I messed up."

"Do you really believe you're fine?" Jason asked pointedly.

"No," I had to admit. "My death aura is dark," I said reluctantly. 

"Maybe try not lying to him," Jason said with a shrug as he sat.

"Did I set him off? Is he going to relapse again?" I asked worried.

"Percy is with him.  He'll make sure he's fine.  Back to the matter at hand.  You know you're not fine so why did you say you were?" Jason asked not letting up.

"Can you give me a break on the questions," I said as I threw my head back in frustration.

"Nope, so why did you lie?"

"I don't want to talk about this." I pushed back.

"You have an eating disorder.  You can't ignore it forever.  It will kill you.  So why did you say you were fine?" Jason pressed.

"Because if I say I'm not fine people are going to want to do something about it!" I spilled reaching my breaking point.

"So, you know you're sick, but you don't want to get better?" Jason asked. As Jason was saying this Percy walked in and took a seat.

"It sounds dumb when you say it like that," I mumbled.  

"You don't want help?" Percy asked neutrally.

"I don't want to change anything I'm doing.  I'm happy like this.  Things feel manageable."  It felt good to voice some of the way I felt.

"You're happy being nearly dead?" Percy asked seriously.

"Nearly dead?" Jason asked Percy worried.

"Nico's dad said he was in danger of making a one-way trip to his realm," Percy informed Jason.

"Gods Nico," Jason said baffled.

"It's not that bad." I tried to justify.

"You sound like Will trying to say his cutting wasn't a big deal.  It's fucking that bad if your dad said it.  The only god that would freak me out more saying that is Thanatos." After saying this Jason stood and turned away from me trying to compose himself.

Percy glanced at Jason, "You okay bro?"

"No," He said before walking out.

"I'm going to go follow him.  Are you okay for the minute?"

"Yeah,"  Why was everyone so distressed?

Jason's POV

"Wait up!" I heard as I walked to the empty ICU waiting room.  I took a deep breath trying to hold it together.

"What Jackson?" I said without turning around.  I felt a hand on my shoulder turning me around.  I hoped it wasn't too obvious that I was about to cry.  Percy didn't say anything for a minute but crushed me in a hug.

"It's okay to cry about it," I heard him whisper in my ear, and that's all it took to open the dam.  I started bawling.  Percy steered us to two chairs in the back.  I buried my head in my hands and eventually stopped crying.

"How the Hades are you keeping it together?  He just admitted that he was dying and didn't want to change it." I asked wondering.

"I expected it," He said sadly.  "I don't know if Annabeth has talked to you about when her OCD went out of control.  It isn't a secret, but it isn't widely known.  Freshman year she had psychosis induced by a lack of sleep caused by her OCD.  She was sedated and checked into the psych ward.  When she woke up she was pissed.  All she wanted to do was get out of the ward and go back and try to take some of her finals.  She was in denial that she had a problem.  By some miracle, I still don't understand, Nico convinced her to stay and get help.

Nico is in more trouble than she was in.  I didn't imagine his eating disorder would allow him to see reason.  He needs a lot of help.  It's probably going to take therapy to get him to even accept he isn't healthy.  He may say he knows he's not fine, but he might not truly believe that.  I also think he can't accept that he is dying because of this.  Fortunately, he is being admitted to psych where I don't think he is allowed to check himself out while he is at risk of dying immediately.  The therapist and doctors will have some time to get through to him."

I took a calming breath, "Okay.  Okay.  He is checked into the hospital.  They can do something about this.  He isn't going to die from this." I said more to myself than to Percy.

"We just have to keep showing up for him." He said as he patted me on the back and stood up.  "Are you going back?"

"Yeah, in a minute.  I need to finish calming down before I go off on Nico for something that isn't his fault."

"See ya in there," Percy said and left.

Notes:

Thoughts?

Chapter 95: Emergency Therapy

Notes:

I'm back! Sorry for the delay but I had writer's block.

I have an excel sheet that follows the date of the story. This chapter just happened to fall on Christmas.

"So what is going on? Why did you ask for an emergency session on Christmas?" Travis asked after I had gotten settled.

"I'm sorry! I hadn't even registered that it was Christmas.  There has been too much going on for me to register the date.  I can go.  This can wait."  I said getting up feeling embarrassed.

"No sit.  I was the one who asked if it needed to be today.  If I wasn't willing to come in I wouldn't have offered.  It seemed urgent.  I don't have to meet my family for a few hours.  You are not an inconvenience.  Why are we here?" Travis said kindly.

"Jason didn't give me much choice in the matter," I mumbled.

"Oh? Why is that?" He pressed.

Refusing to make eye contact I responded, "I cut yesterday,"

Travis raised his eyebrows in surprise. "That's the first time since your suicide attempt.  It's been about six weeks.  What led to this?"

"Nico has anorexia.  He has had it for a while, but I didn't know.  I didn't even realize that there was something major going on until he passed out in front of me.  That's how I found out.  He was unconscious for 2 days.  When he woke up he insisted he was fine and that it was all a misunderstanding.  He asked me to leave after asking for my medical opinion of his situation." I took a deep breath to calm down.  It still bothered me that he was in denial.

"What happened after that?" He inquired.

"I went home and couldn't relax or calm down, so I cut and then took a nap.  Jason woke me up and confronted me about what happened.  Apparently, I caused Nico to have a meltdown when he saw my death aura darken and sent Jason."

"So how do you feel about relapsing?" Travis asked pointedly.

"I don't feel as bothered by it as I normally do.  Even though I told Jason that I got that it was a big deal that I cut, I'm not sure that it was."

"Why do you think that?" Travis said looking bothered.

"I didn't go back to using drugs and the only person it affected was me."

"That isn't true though, is it?  Nico knew and it caused him to panic.  He in turn sent Jason." Travis pressed.

"While I don't want Nico to be bothered I can't bring myself to give a lot of weight to his opinion right now." I sighed.

"Why is that?"

"He covered up that he had an eating disorder for weeks.  After all of his disappointment and lectures about my cutting and drug use and holding me accountable, he turned to something just as deadly, if not more so, to cope and kept it a secret.  I'm honestly pissed.  While I didn't unload on him when I went to the hospital to show him I was fine I could have.  I get that mental disorders aren't things we choose, but it just feels so hypocritical.  If he can cope by starving himself I should be able to cope with cutting.

I don't even feel like I'm allowed to be mad because on some level I get this is out of his control, but when I lost control of my addiction he didn't bother to hold back his anger at me." I huffed feeling some relief voicing my irritation about the situation.  

"That's a lot to be dealing with, but you know why cutting is unacceptable.  Even if your main support person is making horrible choices that doesn't give you permission to go back to destructive habits," Travis commented with a knowing look.

Sighing I said, "I do know.  It is just I'm so frustrated and cutting is so easy.  Please don't misunderstand my frustration with Nico.  I am worried for him, and very concerned for his health.  I'm also terrified that this is going to be like getting Gracie help all over again."

"Sorry, Gracie?"

"Oh, I hadn't realized I hadn't mentioned it before.  She is my sister who has dealt with anorexia.  We found out a month or two after my cutting came to light the first time.  She was impossible to get to admit she needed help.  I don't want that for Nico.  He is already being hospitalized.  It took her months to get to that point and longer still to admit she had a problem.  I'm scared.  What if he doesn't end up listening to the doctors?"

"Playing a game of what-ifs doesn't help you or him so let's try not to go there.  I'm not going to tell you that he is going to get better because no one knows that.  Even if he doesn't get better you have a responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself.  That means not causing yourself harm to try to cope."

"I know it's just hard," I said feeling exhausted.

"Tell me more about Gracie, and how her eating disorder behavior is contributing to your worries about Nico."

"I found out about her eating disorder in a very similar way to how I found out about Nico's.  She passed out mid-arrow shot.  She was the first person I was cleared to treat after my cutting came to light.  She had no idea about my problems and thought dad was favoring me with attention.  Kalya and Austin told a lie to cover for me but it ended up making her feel like dad loved me more.

At first, she improved slightly. After a few days of forcing nutrients into her against her will, she started to eat at least partial meals. I was naive and thought things might get better from there.  Even if she didn't admit she had a problem at least she was fixing it.  Things turned south pretty fast.

It was a few weeks after we found out about her eating disorder she fell off of the lava wall.  She was carried into the infirmary covered in blood and bruises.  I was immediately kicked out of the infirmary because I wasn't cleared to treat someone as injured as her.  She had a concussion and burns that were healed.  Later after she was stabilized I was able to sit at her bedside.  When she hit the 3-hour mark and didn't wake up Rikki, Roxie, and I had a meeting about if we needed to put in a feeding tube.  It wasn't the first or last time we had that conversation.  Gracie was always pissed off when she woke up if she had a feeding tube in.  No matter how many times she passed out or had to be kept in the infirmary for her own good she just got worse.  It was heartbreaking but at least I had Nico to lean on.  Now he is the problem, and I don't know what to do."  I said depressed and stressed.  I was truly at a loss as to how to handle this.

"Is that the reason you are trying to justify your cutting?  You don't know how to handle when Nico's the problem and not part of the solution?" Travis said asking an insightful question.

I sat there for a minute thinking.  I didn't know what to say, because the more I thought about it the more it made sense.  "I'd always leaned on Nico when things felt hard or out of control.  Now that he was out of commission I feel lost.  He pushed so hard for me to get better the first time with cutting and this last time with drugs.  It feels like..." I was struggling to find the words to say what I meant.

"He held you accountable and just messed up so bad that you don't feel like you need to honor that anymore.  Kind of like Nico was your conscience and since he is out of commission why try?"

Travis had just put into words exactly what I was feeling.  It didn't feel good. "I should be the one holding myself accountable and not leaning on other people."

"Let's not go that far.  You should be the one who holds yourself accountable.  That is true.  You shouldn't need an outside person to hold you accountable.  That is fine in the short term and even helpful, but you need to internalize it.  You need to stop cutting because it is what is good for you not because it would disappoint or bother Nico.  As far as not leaning on other people goes it's okay and good even to ask for help.  Don't take from this that you need to go it alone.  You should find other people you can go to when you need help."

"Like Jason and Kyle?"

"Exactly.  Do you feel like you have a little more clarity?  Do you still feel like cutting is a valid option for coping?"

"Yeah, things look clearer.  I don't feel like cutting is the answer."

"Anything else to discuss or shall I see you after the new year?"

"I'm good. See you next time.”

 

Notes:

Any thought on how the Kyle Gracie conversation might go?

Chapter 96: Kyle and Gracie

Nico POV:

When Kyle and Gracie walked into my room I could see the trouble coming from a mile away.

"When did they let you out of the ICU?" Kyle asked.

"A few hours ago they transferred me.  This floor's only advantage over the regular psych floor is nearly unlimited visiting hours."

"What are the downsides?" Kyle asked.

"IVs, feeding tubes, and hospital beds.  Also, I swear I can't go 30 minutes without being checked on by staff, and I don't even have an order to be watched." I said frustrated.

"Rough," Kyle said. "Glad I never ended up on this floor." 

"I started here."  Gracie shuddered.  "Feeding tubes suck.  I hated you for weeks when I was sent here.  Dad told me you were the person who said I needed to be committed."

"I just told Apollo you were dying.  He was the one who decided to take you here," I said remembering the conversation I had with Apollo.

-flashback-

"Apollo, we need to talk as soon as possible" I prayed before falling asleep.

We were in a concert hall.  Apollo looked serious.  "What was so urgent?" 

"We need to talk about Gracie."

"I've been keeping an eye on her.  I know she has been giving her siblings a hard time with her eating disorder.  I know Will has been having a hard time, but-"

"This has nothing to Will," I said impatiently.  He raised his eyebrows at that.

"I care about Gracie independent of my relationship with Will.  I inherited my father's ability to see the death aura around people.  Gracie is going to die.  We are looking at days to weeks maybe." Apollo looked sad.

"I hoped it wouldn't come to this." He said with a sigh. "I'll be by to get her in the morning."

"Thank you," I said sincerely.  Then the dream broke up.

-end of flashback-

"You were killing yourself," I commented.

"I can see that now, but I certainly couldn't then.  Can you see how you are doing the same thing?" Gracie said.

"I'm not," I protested.

"Lie to someone else.  Look around you.  You're in the hospital.  If you aren't doing the same thing, why are you here?"

"The doctors made a mistake," I said sheepishly.

"When you couldn't remove your feeding tube why did it bother you so much you started crying?" Kyle said not pulling any punches.

I stayed silent.  I couldn't face the idea of being sick.

"Look, I know this is a lot to confront, and I have endless compassion for that.  If you don't come around to this you are going die." Gracie said seriously.

I didn't know how to respond to that so we sat in silence for several minutes till I changed the subject.  "Do you know where Will is?  I haven't heard from him since he left my ICU room saying he needed air." I asked nervously.  Was he avoiding me?

"He's having his emergency therapy session with Travis," Kyle supplied.

"Oh, I hadn't realized he scheduled another therapy session.” Was he okay?

“Jason didn’t give Will much choice after his relapse.  He may be stubborn, but he can see he needs some extra support at the moment.” Kyle left unsaid that I was the reason.

"Is he going to be okay?” I asked concerned. 

“After a while, I'm sure he will be.  He is taking the fact that he couldn't put together that you were sick hard." Kyle said.

"But I'm not-"

"Sick?" Gracie raised her eyebrows.

"Gracie, what made you come around to the idea you had a problem?" Kyle asked trying to steer the conversation towards something.

She looked visibly unsettled. "That is a little bit of an uncomfortable topic. You first,"

"Fine. So I was stubborn as could be and refused to admit that I was sick.  I'd listed Mike, my superior officer and girlfriend as people who could get information about how I was doing.  My girlfriend visited all the time and kept trying to convince me that I needed the help they were offering.  I was adamantly against it.  At a little over two month mark my superior office and girlfriend got together with my therapist to stage an intervention.  Do you know how bad things are going for you when you are having an intervention in the psych ward?  I don't remember too much of what was said except Mike said 'If you weren't sick they would know it by now and would have let you go'.  There was something about that statement that kept bouncing around in my mind.  Eventually, I started asking my therapist questions about what was going on and he was able to reinforce that what I was doing to myself wasn't healthy or normal.  After a week I could see clearly that things weren't right.  

Your turn Gracie."

"Uh, okay.  Will doesn't know this; dad does.  I prefer this story not to be shared.  At the time Will had enough going on, and now it would only upset him.  I'm only telling you because of the circumstances, and you saving my life by telling my dad I was dying.  I had been staying on this blasted floor for 4 weeks.  I was a nightmare patient.  Whenever I got a minute unsupervised I would pull the feeding tube bag off or pull out my IV.  Every time they added another bag to my feeding tube I begged them to stop.  I was so sick and so desperate to stay thin I couldn't see what I was doing to myself until it was practically too late.  I had a heart attack and died for a minute." She said not making eye contact.

"No," I said disbelieving.  "I would have felt you die.  You're lying."

"I wish I was.  Thanks to some very talented healers I woke up a few days later.  If I remember right when I called Will he said you had been severely hurt about the time I had a heart attack.  You had been in and out of it for about a week due to the injury and the overexertion of your powers.  I imagine it happened sometime when you were unconscious, and I was 'fine' by the time you woke up."

"Oh gods, that wasn't a nightmare.  I remember feeling and seeing you die in my nightmare.  It felt so real.  I was sure it had happened, and I was dreading telling Will.  When I woke up and double-checked you were as fine as you were last I remembered, so I wrote it off.  My gods." I felt sick.  I immediately vomited into the trash can.

"Hey, hey," Gracie said, rubbing circles in my back to comfort me.  "I'm better now."

"But-" I started to say.

"I know it was a close call."  She said looking ashamed.  "I should have listened." She said looking up and blinking away some tears.  "Everyone tried to tell me that I was killing myself I just couldn't believe them.  Please believe me when I say you are killing yourself."

"I can't be anorexic." I protested.  Gracie looked heartbroken.

"Why? Don't tell me you are foolish enough to believe that men can't get eating disorders." Kyle asked with a slight glare.

"It's not that,"  I replied.

"Then what is it?" Gracie asked.

"Will was completely distraught and stressed when you were sick.  I can't be putting him through that."  Kyle's eyebrows raised at that and so did Gracie's.

"You don't think you're putting him through Tartarus by claiming you’re fine when you are anything but?  I already talked to Percy, Jason, and Will before coming here.  You're dying, and refusing to admit you have a problem is only going to kill you faster.  If you think that isn't driving Will insane you're fooling yourself.” Kyle said.  “He wants you to admit you have a problem and need help.  How insane did it drive you when Will insisted he didn't need help quitting?  He was at least admitting there was a problem there.”

That brought me up short.  I had shoved down my worries and concerns about my own health because if I ignored it, it couldn't be true.  If it weren't true no one, especially Will, would get hurt.  "I don't want to hurt Will," I said more to myself than the others.

"Then face the truth, as scary as that is," Gracie said compassionately.  "Even after dying saying that I had anorexia was a lot to come to terms with.  I get it."

"Even if I admitted there was a problem," Gracie and Kyle looked relieved for a moment before I said, "and I'm not saying I have one.  What if I didn't want to stop?"  The look of disappointment was heartbreaking. I asked in a much smaller voice, "What if I couldn't stop?"

"Those are two very different questions," Kyle said pragmaticly. "Let's start with the first.  Why would you not want to stop hurting yourself?"  The wording of the question hit like a slap in the face.  Will was the one who coped by hurting himself, not me.  I'd never.  I'd always stepped back and gotten help when I felt that line of desperation come anywhere close to me. I'd never. I'd never. I... I... I did.  The realization hit like a freight train.

"It's not like that," I said desperate to avoid the truth.

"You're starving yourself which does direct bodily harm.  How is that not hurting yourself?" Gracie asked.  I could tell she just wanted me to understand.

I eventually said reluctantly. "You're right." I was only so stubborn, and my friends and family were going to keep trying to get through to me, may as well stop running.

"Finally some progress," Graice said with a sigh of relief.

"Thank gods," Kyle said throwing his head back. "Now back to my initial question.  Why would you not want to stop hurting yourself?"

"It's not that I want to hurt myself.  I need to control something.  Everything has been an out-of-control mess since Will overdosed, and it wasn't just Will.  I went on a retrieval mission that went sideways in the worst possible way." I started crying, "There was nothing I could do to stop these kids from being killed.  I just need something I can control.  They have taken away the one thing that was in my power.  You have no clue how hard I have been trying to suppress panic attacks over having a feeding tube since I woke up.  They are trying to ruin everything!" I couldn't stop the tears.

Gracie came over and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "You can find better ways of coping."

"I don't even know if I could stop if I wanted to," I admitted with tears still streaming down my face.

"This place can help," Kyle interjected.  "My bulimia started also as a desire for control.  Everything with my mother was a mess.  How hard was it to be a decent human being? I digress.  I thought that if everything about me was perfect maybe she could love me.  I now understand that that isn't how things are supposed to work.  Even if it was no reward is worth my health.  This place helped me realize that.  We both recovered.  You can too."

"Thanks," I said.  Maybe things could get better?

"Unfortunately we have a Christmas get-together to go to.  Merry Christmas by the way." Gracie said as she got up.

"Same," I replied pulling myself together.

"We will visit again.  Think about what we said, okay?" Kyle said as he gave me a hug.

"Alright," I said and they left.

Notes:

I know Nico's logic goes all over the place and doesn't make sense. That is the point.

So what did you guys think? I would love to hear your thoughts. They make my day! What would you like to see next in the story?

Chapter 97: Nico's Therapy

Dr. Green had come to my room for therapy since the therapists didn't have offices on this floor.

"I'm sorry to see you in here." Dr. Green said a little sadly as a greeting.

"I thought I wasn't your client anymore?" I asked.  I wondered who I was going to be stuck with this time.

"I had dropped you as a client because you were refusing treatment.  I don't tolerate that in my outpatient clients.  I don't have the exact expectations for my inpatient clients.  If you were more receptive to help, you probably wouldn't be here.  My job here is to move you from where you currently are to a more healthy place so you can function.  Now, if you would prefer someone else, that can be arranged.  Would you like me to find another physiatrist or therapist?" He asked.

"Will I be dropped as a client the moment I leave here?"  I didn't want to have to transfer doctors.

"Unlikely, unless you start refusing treatment again."

"Is this like some kind of second chance?" I asked, skeptical. I didn't want to be invested in therapy again to have the rug pulled out from under me.

"I guess you can see it that way if you want."

"What if I don't want help?  What if I can't stop?" I wanted to know if I was beyond his help.

"Two different questions with very different meanings.  Now, not wanting help and not thinking there is a problem is, let's say, around square zero.  Admitting there is a problem is square one, and deciding to work on changing behavior is after that.  Even if we are starting at square zero, that's okay.  I've done this before."

"So you really do want to help?"

"I have always wanted to help."

"Then why was I dropped for refusing to admit I was..." The word anorexic seemed impossible to say.

"Anorexic?  I can see we are starting at square 0." He said, saying that last sentence to himself.  "Continuing to treat you could have given you the impression that it was okay to ignore such a critical issue.  I could have been doing more harm than good.  For many clients, being dropped is a wake-up call that there is a serious problem.  So would you like me to find you another provider?"

"No,"  Dr. Green was good.  If I had to be here, I'd rather it be with someone I trusted.

"Okay, let's get started.  I want to know where we are starting from.  Why do you think you are here?"

"That's easy.  I passed out in front of my healer boyfriend and stayed unconscious for two days." I retorted.

"Okay, that is physically why you are in the hospital.  Why do you think you are in the psych ward?" Dr. Green said, showing no sign of frustration.

Now, on to being uncomfortable.  Regardless of what I said to Kyle and Gracie, fully coming to the idea that my actions directly harmed me was a lot. "Ugh, I don't really eat."

"Do you think that is a problem?"

Not being able to pull my eyes off the floor, I answered, "It's hurting me."

"Okay, do you think that's a problem?"

"I don't want to hurt myself." I really didn't.  I just didn't know how to cope.  Was this what Will felt like all along?  Wow, this sucked.

"Okay, that's something we can work with." He said patiently.  It didn't seem to bother him that I wasn't answering his questions. "So you can admit you don't eat, and that is harmful to you.  You don't want to be causing yourself harm.  Given this, do you think you have a problem even if you can't fully identify it?"

"I can't fully get my head around the idea that I have a problem.  Sure, I can follow the logic that I'm doing something that causes me harm, and that isn't good.  Therefore, there is a problem."  Even though it was the truth, it felt stupid to say.

"That's okay.  Why aren't you eating?"

"It's something I can control, and a lot of the time I just don't feel like eating."

"Do you feel like you lack control for the rest of your life?"

"Yes.  It just seems like everyone and everything is out of my control.  A little while after I had dropped out of therapy, Will tried to commit suicide.  Later, Will decided to talk to his therapist about the assault.  It didn't go great.  It threw him, and he would have gotten high afterward if I hadn't been there.  I know he would have.  The next day, he was arrested for violating his probation by failing his drug test.  He was framed.  He ended up becoming the lackey of a drug dealer while there.  I got him to report the whole thing, but he got the crap beat out of him for it."

"Did these events affect your eating?"

"I wouldn't eat for a bit after each of these.  After, his arrest was particularly bad.  I didn't eat for days." This sounded bad.

"Can you expand more on not feeling like eating?"

"Not really." I wasn't sure what more he wanted me to say.

"Please fill out this depression screening.  I want to establish a starting point."

"Is this really necessary?" I asked, looking over the sheet.

"It would be helpful to me." He responded.

Filling out the sheet was a little alarming.  I had been so worried about Will that I hadn't noticed how bad things had gotten for me.  I handed the questionnaire back to Dr. Green.  He spent a few minutes looking at them.

"So 15/30 isn't the worst I've seen, but it isn't to be ignored.  It is also worse than the last time you filled one of these out.  The lack of energy and lack of appetite could be attributed to your anorexia as much as to your depression.  The lack of normal sleep is a problem, as is the low self-worth.  We can work on this, but I think we should change your anti-depressant.  It doesn't seem to be working."

"Alright,"

"So what else has been going on that you would like to discuss?" He asked casually.

"Um, I got into a fight with Will," I said reluctantly.

"Oh?  When was this?"

"Yesterday, after Kyle and Gracie visited."

"What did you two fight about?" He asked, interested.

"If I had an eating disorder."

"What was his opinion?"

"He is firmly convinced I have anorexia."

-flashback-

"You have an eating disorder, Nico!" Will said, frustrated.

While some of my wall had broken down around Kyle and Gracie, I could admit that maybe something was wrong.  I couldn't bring myself to do that around Will. "I just lost some weight due to the depression.  I'll gain it back eventually.  I don't need to be here."  Why was it so much harder to tell Will that something was wrong?

Will took a deep breath, flustered. "I'm sure your depression has something to do with this, but that doesn't negate that you have an eating disorder.  I went through the criteria with you myself.  You hit all the boxes."

"I think you're trying to fix me because other people around you say I'm sick, and you are trying to show you are still a good medic.  Focus on yourself.  You have enough problems of your own to deal with." I bit out.

He took another deep breath.  "I know that your thinking is impaired, but let's not get off track by lashing out at me.  I talked to Gracie and Kyle before I came here.  They said that you had come around some to the idea that something was wrong.  Did you lie to them, or are you lying to me?"

"I just want everyone to leave me alone," I said, frustrated.  Confessing to Will hurts more than the others.  I couldn't do it.

Will's eyes narrowed, and I saw all the warmth my boyfriend usually had leave.  He said coldly. "Fine, I'll leave.  IM me when you are ready to talk about this."

-End of flashback-

"Sounds like an intense fight.  He mentioned that you were able to come around to the idea that something was wrong with Kyle and Gracie.  Why couldn't you do that with Will?  Or were you lying to Kyle and Gracie?"

"Kyle brought up that my eating disorder was akin to self harm.  I was intentionally doing something that caused myself harm.  That caught me by surprise.  I didn't figure I would ever cross that line, and if Kyle was right, I had crossed it again and again."

"Does that bother you?"

"Yes! Will has self-harm issues, not me."

"Hmm, do you think you're better than him?" The shocked look on my face must have said it all.  "What I mean to say is, do you think that Will is the only one of you capable of using a destructive coping mechanism?"

I instantly remembered having to ask Jason to remove all of the sharp items from my room.   Looking down, I said, "No."

"Good, because if you answered yes, I wasn't going to let that stand.  Do you think Will is too weak to handle your problems?"

"No! He is one of the strongest demigods I know."

"Then why are you adamantly refusing to be honest with him?  I understand if you aren't to a place where you can accept that you have anorexia, but it does seem that you are in a place where you could say things aren't going well.  Why not be at least that honest?"

"It feel like if I tell Will that something is wrong, it will make it real, and I'm not ready for that."

"Alright, that seems like a good stopping point for today.  I think I've left you a lot to think on."

 

Notes:

https://screening.mhanational.org/screening-tools/depression/
For the test Nico took.

How are you guys? What do you think? We will check in on Will next and see how he is doing. How do you expect that to go?

Chapter 98: Silver

Notes:

Hey guys! I'm sorry I have been unable to update. I have some health issues going on, and I had writer's block. Until all is well, I'm not sure how often I will be posting.

I'm back at it, and the story shall continue. This story is important to me, and I can't leave it unfinished. I've been thinking about it every day, wanting to write, but either being unable to or having nothing to say. Hopefully, things are on an upward trend, and the writer's block will stay away.

Thank you so much to Solangelo shipper for checking in on me to see if I was okay. Thank you also to jamie11713 and Nayomayo for the well wishes.

Will's POV:

Nico and I briefly IM on Christmas to wish each other a good day. I visited him the next day, but we got into an argument about his ED, with me leaving in a huff.  I know I should have been patient and let him come to terms with his eating disorder on his own, but when I thought about him, I didn't know what to do.  Nico saying he was fine had triggered a pretty impressive spiral, and I was drowning. 

Therapy had helped briefly, but 72 hours later, I was in the bathroom looking down at a razor blade.   I hadn't cut, at least not yet.  I wanted to.  It would be easy.  Forgetting everything that was troubling me was only a few cuts away.

I had failed as a medic and a boyfriend to see the signs that Nico was in trouble.  He couldn't even say he had anorexia.  Maybe if I hadn't added to his stress levels by asking for his help with my cutting and drug addiction, we wouldn't be here.  I'm pathetic.

"Hey, man are you okay?" Kyle asked through the door.  "You've been in there a while."  He seemed concerned.

"Fine," I said, grabbing the razor with a shaky hand.

"No, you're not. You have 15 seconds to open this door." He said seriously.

I put the razor back in the drawer. "I'm okay," I said, trying to pull myself together.

"5 seconds."

I opened the door. "See, I'm fine."

"Stop lying.  You're not good at it, especially with me.  You've been showing warning signs all day.  Let me see your wrist and side." He said with crossed arms.

I lifted my shirt and showed him my wrists.  "Those are from the other day.  Nothing's new."  He looked at me suspiciously.  

“Why were you in there so long? Don’t fucking lie to me.”

“I’m fine,”

”You’re lying.  Where is your bracelet?” He said not giving an inch.

“My room,” I replied.

”I’d like to see it.” He said seriously.

”What is your problem?!” I said, frustrated.

"My problem is that the last time you acted off, and I ignored it, you tried to commit suicide!" He said suddenly on the brink of tears.  I was taken aback.

"I'm sorry," I felt awful.

"So, please let me at least see your bracelet." He pressed, still looking upset.  I grabbed it from my room and handed it over.  I had to close my eyes because I didn't want to see the disappointment.

After about 15 seconds, Kyle said, "Um, I'm at a loss for what to say.  Silver.  Damn.  Let's move somewhere more comfortable to talk."  I went and sat on the living room couch with my head in my hands.  I didn't want to even look at Kyle.  He sat down with a sigh beside me.  "Okay, first, what did you take?"  He said seriously.

I removed my head from my hands and looked at Kyle. "I didn't take anything."

"Then explain this." He said kindly.

"I bought drugs this morning," I said with shame.

"Where are they?" He said, not phased.

"Under my mattress."

"All of them?"

"Yes."  Kyle got up and went into my room.  I could hear the mattress move.  About 30 seconds later, I heard Kyle flushing my drugs down the toilet.  I couldn't help but feel disappointed.

Coming back into the room, Kyle said, "Where did you get them?"

"I contacted Carl this morning and bought some from him."

Kyle took a deep breath. “You know how bad this could get if you relapse.  I don’t need to remind you about prison or overdosing.  I’m glad you didn’t take them. Why didn’t you take them if you bought them?”

"You've been home all day.  I hadn't had the opportunity." I said, looking away in shame.

"Hey, I'm not judging.” He said. “Are you going to tell Nico?”

“Of course.  Even as I was IMing Carl, I knew I’d have to tell him. I wouldn’t hide this from him, not after everything.”

“Good.”

We both sat silently for a while before Kyle asked, "So why did you decide to relapse?" I had to wince at the last word.

"Nico and I had a fight.  He couldn't admit that he had a problem and lashed out at me.  He said I should focus on my problem, not his.  He told you there might be a problem, but was adamant with me that he was okay.  I'm so worried about him.  My anxiety has been out of control since Nico passed out. It certainly hasn’t helped that I had to change meds due to side effects.  The withdrawals leave me with panic attacks.  Talking to Travis helped a little, but now I'm back to being barely functional.  You were right that I wasn't okay in the bathroom.  I'd been staring at a razor for 30 minutes, warring with myself about cutting.  I just can't handle this storm going on in my head."

"You don't have to face this alone,” Kyle said compassionately.

“When I’m not panicking, I’m falling into a lake of depression.  I get that I have a support system, but I don’t know how to ask for help.”

“The only way to get better is to practice. Try.”

“Honestly asking for help?”

“Does it look like I’m playing games here?” Kyle said sarcastically.

After taking a deep breath, I said, "Can you take the razors from my bathroom?  It's too much of a temptation for them to be there."

"Sure," He said as he got up to go through my bathroom.

It left me with a minute to myself.  I was already trying to figure out how I could get high without being caught.  Everything in my head was so loud: my drug cravings, my worry for Nico, my feelings of failure, my desire for escape, and an overall feeling of despair.  It felt like everything was crashing down on me.  Somewhere in the storm, I could hear the voice of reason 'I don't need drugs. I need help.'  In the middle of my internal battle for control, Kyle walked back in.

Somehow, I was able to give voice to the small voice of reason that reminded me that getting high wouldn't solve any of my problems.  "This is humiliating," I said, leaning my head back, staring at the ceiling. "Can you please take me to a meeting and stay with me so I don't do something... impulsive?"

"Of course!" Kyle responded. "When?"

"In a half-hour on campus, so we should get going.  I had planned on skipping, but that was before you interrupted my plans to get high." I said, still a little feeling somewhat irritated that my plans were ruined.  

"You're welcome." He responded, ignoring my attitude.

"I'm sure I'll be grateful later," I mumbled as we left the apartment.

 

Chapter 99: NA Meeting After Buying Drugs

We didn't talk much on the way.  I was stuck in my head and didn't feel like talking.  When we got there, Jake, Carra, and Matt we already talking.

"Hey Will," Carra said as Kyle and I sat down. "Hi, I'm Carra." She said as she addressed Kyle.

"I'm Kyle,"

"He is here to make sure that I don't leave and get high," I explained.  I felt this was at least a safe place to admit when I was a mess.

"That kind of day, huh?" Matt asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"It's 5 after.  Let's get started.  Who wants to start?" Jake said.

"I'll go. Matt, narcotics addict." He said reluctantly. "My Christmas was a mess.  After my younger sister went to college, my parents moved from New Rome to Main.  Location matters because it was in the middle of nowhere, and the only way to leave was by using my parents' car to drive two hours to the airport.  My sister and I both went home to visit my parents.  My sister decided to inform my parents that she was switching majors from Engineering to English.  It went bad.  Christmas Eve was a shouting match between her and our mother.  My parents are both highly successful scientists and look down on other professions.  She wants to be an English teacher.  What the Hades is wrong with that?  

In the middle of one of the more heated arguments that had been going on for hours, she said 'At least I'm not an addict like Matt.'  I understand that she was stressed and pushed way past her breaking point.  She immediately looked horrified that she said it.  It would have been a horrible thing to say under any circumstances, but it was made worse by the fact that my parents didn't know."  Everyone at the meeting looked horrified.

"How...?" Cara tried to ask, but was too stunned to finish her sentence.

"Did they react?  It was a nightmare.  When she said that, I immediately left the room and locked myself in the basement.  I was too shocked to even think.  I stayed down there for an hour trying to calm down. Luckily, no one followed me."  Matt took a deep breath before continuing.  "When I went upstairs, things were awkwardly quiet. My sister mouthed 'I'm sorry', and my father started to talk and yell.  It didn't matter that I had been sober for 551 days." Matt started clenching and unclenching his fists, looking strained.  "It was the lecture to end all lectures, where I didn't get a word in edgewise.  They said, unless I moved to Main, where they could keep an eye on me, they were no longer going to provide money for me to live on, because I would just spend it on drugs.  That hurt way more than I let them see.  This was only the 24th, and my plane ticket back wasn't till the 27th, and I couldn't afford to change it.  Christmas was a quiet day.  There was so much tension in the house, but I guess my parents didn't want to fight on Christmas?

The 26th was..." He shook his head, trying to find the word. "a lot.  After a silent breakfast, my father announced that we would be having a family meeting in an hour in the living room.  My sister used that hour to apologize and committed to getting me out of this mess somehow.

We all sat down in the living room, and my father started. Since the two of us were making such poor choices, my parents had decided to step in and make some 'adult choices' for us.  They said they were going to transfer my sister to the local college so they could help her with her engineering.  She must have been finding it too hard, and that was why she changed majors.  They apparently didn't listen to a word I said after I confirmed that I had done drugs in the past.  They found some local sober living situation, and said that they had already called and secured me a place there for the next 6 months.  These were final decisions, and they would be flying back with us to help us gather our things to move."  Everyone in the room just stared, not knowing what to say to that.  "I was about to argue when my sister spoke up and said, 'That sounds like a great plan.'  My parents looked at me and asked me what I thought of the plan.  I was about to tell them to take their plan and shove it up their ass when my sister mouth to me to play along.  I didn't know why, but I played along.

Once my parents left to go pack, my sister grabbed my arm and took me to her room.  She figured out faster than I did that we had no way of getting from our country home to the airport without my parents' help.  The plan was to pack everything we needed from my parents' house and plan on never coming back.  We just needed to play along until we got to the airport.  We would be able to call one of our friends to pick us up once we got to California, and we could figure out how to pay for everything.  She promised that we would do this together.  So we played nice for a torturous dinner and breakfast.  I had to answer questions about my addiction to my humiliation, and my sister pretended that Engineering had been just too much, but she was excited to try again with my parents' help."  Matt closed his eyes and looked like he was trying to push away a memory.

"Once we were in the airport lobby, we turned on my parent immediately.  My sister did 90% of the talking.  Telling them that they were awful parents and never listened.  She was going to be an English teacher, and it was insulting to think it was because she couldn't handle engineering classes.  After my sister left to find our gate, I stared at my parent for a solid minute.  Then I decided to let out every bit of frustration I had held in for the last 5 years.  Living with their perfectionism and unacceptance of anything that wasn't up to impossible standards was the reason I coped by doing drugs for 3 years.  It was the reason I never tried out for sports.  If you're not the best, what's the point, right?  I could never bring home a girl, because if she didn't have the right family ties or pedigree," He grimaced. "I was settling for someone less than my station.  I hated how they ordered me to avoid certain kids because they weren't in our social circle.  I hated myself because every time I came home with something that wasn't perfect, they criticized and said I failed them.

After I was done, they didn't say anything for about 10 seconds.  Then told me when I ruined my life with drugs, not to come to them, and they left."

"That's a lot.  How are you coping?" I asked.

He leaned back in the chair, running his hands over his face. "Like shit.  I did so much freaking work to get out of the hole I dug for myself and rebuilt myself.  Every vile thing they said about me and my addiction felt like it cut straight through me.  They said that I would never amount to anything, since I was an addict.  If I worked hard with a lot of help and structure, I could maybe find a stable job."

"Who the fuck says that to their kid?" Jake asked, bewildered.

"They are the ones with serious problems," Carra said.

"You know none of that is true, right?" I asked.

"I know. I know, but it's hard to look myself in the mirror at the moment." He firmly trained his eyes on the ground, seemingly not wanting to look at us.  "I don't really talk about it outside of therapy, but I have depression, and it started around the time I started using.  A few years ago, my therapist made me make a safety plan after a particularly bad week.  I don't know if any of you are familiar with what that is, but it is more or less actions to take and how to get help if you think you are going to hurt yourself or..." his jaw clenched, "worse.  I... shit... after we decided to play along I had to hear exactly what my parents thought of drug addict, and it wasn't good.  You would think that after finding out their child had a problem, they would try to understand or help. No, they were judgemental assholes.  It pushed me mentally in a bad way. 

After we all had retreated to our rooms for the night, my headspace started to become... dangerous.  I was going through my plan, and nothing was working.  My emergency people were out of reach; my coping skills weren't helping.  I wasn't going to talk to my parents."  He grimaced and strained to say the next few words, "Ending things definitely felt preferable to that.  My sister, while forgiven, I would never trust with this after everything. 

The last part of a safety plan is emergency options, like serious stuff- ER, 911, suicide hotline.  I was down to those fucking options.  I was completely unwilling to call an ambulance.  It's a valid option if you are feeling that way, but I would never willingly draw that much attention to myself where my parents could see.  There is no way they wouldn't have made it worse.  If I were in New Rome-completely different story, but I wasn't.  There was no way to get to an ER without having to say something to my parents to borrow their car.  As a last resort, I called the suicide hotline.  The guy on the other end spent 2 fucking hours talking me back to reason."  He finally took his eyes off the floor.

"I'm still not in a great place, but better than where I was.  I refuse to let this kill me.  Getting away from my toxic parents helped.  Talking to my therapist this morning helped. I've told my support people what happened.  It's been a long morning."

"I'm glad you told us," Carra said.

"If there is any way we can help, we want to be there for you," Jake said.

"Depression just feels so isolating, like I'm the only one whose mind tells them these lies."

"You are certainly not alone.  One of many things I haven't shared is that I also have a safety plan." I said, deciding there was no point in hiding the information if it could make him feel less alone.

"Have you ever had to use it?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, more than once.  There have also been plenty of times when I should have and didn't.  I'm proud of you for using your emergency options.  When I should have, I didn't."

"I felt so fucking dramatic and like I was overreacting and wasting their time."

"You weren't wasting their time.  A lot could have gone worse if you didn't call," Kyle said seriously.  He looked haunted, and I imagine that was my fault.

"Wait, when you say 'you should have used your emergency options and didn't,' what happened?  You don't have to share, but if you want to, you can." Matt said.

"Um..." I said, unsure of what I wanted to do.

"Hey, no pressure," Carra said, reaching over to rub my arm.

This was painful to remember in a lot of ways, but I was safe here. "So about 6ish weeks ago, I ran into my rapist for the first time since... yeah.  I had a complete mental breakdown.  Every bit of my safety plan was ignored. I... uh..."  I felt my breathing pick up and the world starting to narrow.  I could feel a dark storm of worthlessness, fear, and shame starting to brew.  Kyle put his hand on my shoulder, helping ground me.

"It's okay.  You're okay now." Kyle said reassuringly.

"I'm not, but I have faith I will be," I said, taking a stabilizing breath. "Back to the story.  I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but I went home and..." Deep breath. In. Out. "I tried to take my own life.  From what I gather, Kyle and Nico found me.  I have snippets of memories, so I don't think I passed out.   The next clear memory was talking to the doctor in the ER.  Help was forced upon me, and I got better.  Some days are still bad, but I'm working on the whole asking for help thing." I said, glancing at Kyle, "I'm not sure I will ever stop regretting not calling someone.  I'm glad you did."

"Thanks, I'm glad you're here," Matt said.  

"Thanks,"

"Okay, someone else go."

"Carra, heroin addict.  I heard back about my ex-husband's probation hearing.  He is going to be staying behind bars for at least 2 more years before I have to deal with this again." She said with a smile, and there were several shouts of joy.  "I'm 6 days sober, and it's hard.  I have a review at work this week, and the idea of having to get through this week sober seems impossible.  I can't even handle one day at a time.  I'm down to an hour at a time, but if I was sober for the last hour, I can make it this hour."  She said, taking a deep breath.

"That's a good attitude to take.  You've gone through this before.  You can do it again." Jake said encouragingly.

"I know. It's just... hard.  It feels like I wasted so much progress.  Three years..."

"Just because you relapsed doesn't negate the three years you spent sober.  Think about all the good things that happened because you were sober enough to enjoy them.  Also, one slip doesn't mean you have to return to how things were before you were sober."  Matt said.

"Thanks. Okay, who is next?"

"Jake, narcotics addict.  My wife's cousin, Mary, came in for the holiday.  They have always been super close.  She's a marriage counselor and immediately clocked something as wrong between my wife and me.  Now my addiction issues aren't a secret to my family or my wife's, but we decided together not to share with the family my last 2 relapses.

When my wife's family first found out about my addiction, they put a lot of pressure on her to file for divorce.  Her parents are divorced, and so are mine.  Neither family sees divorce as a problem.  When we decided to get married, we had a long conversation about boundaries, marriage, kids, finances, sickness, dementia, divorce, infidelity, abuse, addiction, and basically any serious issue we imagined we could run into in marriage.  We made plans for everyone of them.  It took a while and a lot of communication, but we did it.  During this time, we both decided what marriage meant to us.  To us, it meant all in for life, no matter what, no divorce.   Till death do us part means just that.  Sure, we could separate if needed, but the goal would always be to somehow fix our issues if possible, and we would never move on to someone else till the other had passed.  Other people can get a divorce, and I totally understand and respect that decision.  We just decided that we wouldn't.  

My wife very much resented it when people would push her to divorce me after she told them she wouldn't.  Her family couldn't understand her dedication to our marriage when I was a disaster.   She didn't want to hear the various versions of 'I told you he was no good.'

We decided before Mary visited that we wouldn't lie about the relapses, but we wouldn't bring it up unprompted.  I heard my wife and Mary talking late one night after I had gone to bed.  From what I had gathered, she had asked what the problem was, and I came in on the explanation.  I got to hear my wife's version of events unfiltered, and it was eye-opening.

We always talked about kids in the abstract.  We wanted them one day, just not today.  A year into our marriage, we started trying to have a kid, but once drugs entered the picture, that stopped.  Before my last two relapses, apparently, she had been starting to think that maybe we could try again.  I had been sober for a while, and we had been in therapy for a while and had built a solid foundation of trust.  Relapsing ruined that.

She was venting to Mary that she loves me, she's in this, but there are a lot of problems.  Let me know if this is TMI, but we haven't had sex since my relapses.  I wanted to bring it up in therapy, but never found the right words.  I wasn't sure if it was a lack of time or interest. Turns out that was worse than simple disinterest.  Every time she thought bout having sex with me, it reminded her of wanting children, and it made her mad.  Since my relapses, she hasn't wanted to have children with me because I was such an unreliable partner.  She wasn't sure I would make a good father, and our hypothetical children deserved better.

She is so frustrated with me because I'm killing her dream of having children.  One of the things we decided before marriage was that we wouldn't bring a child into the world if we thought either one of us wasn't fit to be a parent.   

We have gone over so much in therapy, but she never brought this up."  He tilted his head down and pulled his hair at the back of his head, and let out a groan of frustration before looking back up.  "She was crying, crying, that she wasn't sure I would ever get to a place where we could have kids."  Tears started pooling in his eyes. 

"I left after that.  I feel so guilty, which is an emotion I haven't handled well historically.  I brought so much pain to our marriage.  She is the best, most patient woman in the world, and all she wants from me is to stay sober so we can have everything we ever wanted.  I don't know if I will be able to give that to her long term, and it's suffocating me.  She deserves so much better."  He looked so defeated.

"Have you tried talking to your wife?" Carra asked.

"No. How do you ask, 'Have I destroyed your dreams of children?'  I'm scared she is going to tell me she hates me." He said, burying his head in his hands.

"That woman loves you.  She may be angry at you, but there is no way she hates you." Carra said reassuringly.

"I've met Penelope. I've watched you go from not even talking to where you are now.  She is fully committed to you, and always has been." Matt said.

"Commitment and love are two different things,"  Jake said dejectedly.

"You are never going to know unless you ask," I said.

"I guess that's my work for the week." He said with a sigh. "Your turn, Will."

I immediately tensed up.  I had just confessed my suicide attempt, but I was having trouble with this?  I guess I had time to come to terms with the attempt, but this was still fresh.  I felt Kyle's hand on my shoulder as comfort, and began speaking.  "Will, oxy addict.  I bought drugs this morning."

Something about saying this, here to these people, made regret take hold in my soul.  I even felt full regret for my self-harm, and it clicked how destructive I was being. These people fully understood what I was going through and felt the same temptations towards drugs at times, and no one here would tell me that what I did was okay.  As the regret came, so did the tears. I tried to quickly wipe them away before continuing.

"Kyle caught on that something was wrong before I could take them, and flushed them down the toilet."

"Hey man, you're going to be okay.  You want to talk about what happened?" Matt asked.

"You mean talk about why?"

"That's what I was getting at." He said with a bit of sarcasm.

"There are a lot of reasons that came together.  Nico is still in denial about his eating disorder.  When I left the hospital, I used cutting to cope with the whole situation.   My friends immediately caught me and pressured me into going to an emergency therapy session.  I was honest with my therapist that I didn't think that cutting was a big deal." Kyle gave me a look. "The short version of that therapy session was that I had been using Nico as my conscience when it came to cutting and drugs.  I hadn't fully internalized the accountability, at least recently.  Nico has serious issues of his own now, and I can't rely on him to be part of my recovery plan.  With him out of the picture, doing his own self-destructive thing, it sort of felt like I could cope however I wanted.

Besides feeling like my reason for staying sober was missing, Nico lashed out at me when I tried to confront him about ED.  I feel like a shit boyfriend and medic.  I didn't notice he was sick till it was almost too late.  I also feel guilty that I added to his stress by wanting his help with my cutting and drug addiction."

"Okay, slow down," Jake said.  "Nico chose to help you out of his own free will.  If it was a bad thing for him, he would have said something, I imagine.  You don't get to feel guilty for asking for help.  No man is an island.  We all need each other."

"So, what do you think of what you did now?" Carra asked.

"For now, crushing regret.  You guys are probably the most sympathetic to my situation, and not one of you would say my attitude or what I did was okay."

"You got that right," Matt said with a smirk.

"I just don't know how long this attitude will stay around because most of my reasons for regret are external.  It's socially unacceptable.  With this last round of rehab, I started getting sober for myself.  Nico was out of the picture.  Then, somewhere along the way, it became more for my relationship and staying out of jail."

Jake started, "I've had 3 longer periods where I have been sober.  I don't know if anyone else has gone through this, but after a while, I would put out of my mind all of the bad things associated with my drug use and only focus on the positives.  That's when I started having real trouble staying sober.  Once I started down that road, it wasn't long before I was using again, because my brain had categorized it as just another coping mechanism.  I recognized it wasn't good for me, necessarily, but I forgot it was life-ending, soul-crushing, horrible.  It might help you have an internal reason to stay sober if you list what bad things happened to you because of your cutting and drug use."

Suddenly, I was flooded with all of the bad memories I had tried to push away. "With cutting, I nearly bled out on the floor of my boyfriend's cabin.  I was sent to the psych ward because I couldn't quit.  For drugs, that's a longer list.  I got into debt to my dealer.  I dealt drugs.  I got a cracked rib.  I stole from a friend.  I overdosed.  I was in a car crash.  Nico broke up with me.  I had to go to rehab twice.  That's leaving out all the legal crap and how worried my friends and family over my cutting and drug use."

"Those all sound like really good reasons not to go back to coping that way," Carra said.

"Thanks for the perspective.  Can we wrap this up?" I said tired.

"Sounds good to me," Matt said.

"Me too," Carra and Jake chimed in unison.

Kyle waited till we were walking home before trying to talk.  "I know everything in that meeting was confidential, and we don't have to discuss any of it if you don't want to.  I want to check in to see if you are doing better than before we went to that meeting."

I had to think about that for a minute.  How I felt was complicated. "Well, I wish I could say that fixed everything, but it didn't.  I'm almost over the feeling of regret," I said with a sigh.  "I feel maybe 10% better, which is not enough.  I'm still upset with Nico and myself.  I still want to go out, buy drugs, and get high to cope, even though I regretted buying them earlier.  It's complicated.  My sobriety is hanging on by the thinnest of threads.  Unless something majorly changes, I can't imagine being sober this time next week."  Kyle looked concerned. "I'm using my last ounce of sanity and will to tell you this because I want help," I said in a small voice.

"We will figure this out.  I'm not going to let you destroy yourself." Kyle said as we walked home.

Notes:

Please comment what you think!

Chapter 100: Diner Talk

Notes:

Hey guys, I'm back and feeling a lot better. There are chapters after this one that are almost done, so there should be consistent posting for a while.

TW: Panic Attacks, a lot of eating disorder talk, negative food talk, discussion of purging, and calories mentioned.

When we got home, Kyle said, "Sit. We are coming up with some sort of plan." After we both settled in on the couch, he continued, "When is your next therapy appointment?"

"January 4th,"

"That's in a week.  That doesn't seem soon enough.  Can you call and get an earlier appointment?"

"Yeah, let me go IM," I said, heading to my room.  I accepted that asking for help in this case might mean getting bossed around a bit.

"Leave your door open. I know you have daggers in your room." Kyle called as I left.  A few minutes later, I came back into the living room. "So?"

"Tomorrow at 2."

"Can I come to your appointment?" 

"What? Why?" It felt like Kyle was crossing a boundary.

"Chill, I don't need to know what you tell your therapist.  That's your business.  I would like to create a plan with the help of your therapist to help you stay sober.  You said you wanted help.  This is what help looks like."

"Okay, that makes sense," I was dreading this appointment.  I needed a break.  "I'm going to go back to my room and read a book."

"I'm going to IM Jason, can he come tomorrow as well, and can I share all of what happened today with him, including your part of the NA meeting?"

"Ugh, yes to both," I said, frustrated as I went to my room.

Kyle POV:

I went into my room as Will went into his.  I left my room door open to hear if anything was wrong.  I IMed Jason.

"Hey, Jason,"

"Hey, Kyle.  What's up?"

"Things with Will are not good.  I could use some help."

"What happened?" He asked, concerned.

"He brought drugs this morning." Jason's eyes widened.  "I caught him before he could take them.  He got close to cutting as well."

"Gods, I thought he was getting better." He said, looking disappointed. 

"We went to an NA meeting afterwards.  Will permitted me to share with you what he said there and after."

"Okay, go on."

"Summarizing a lot, he and Nico fought over Nico's ED.  He lashed out at Will.  Will was using Nico as his conscience when it comes to cutting and drugs, and now, since Nico is struggling with his own thing, Will feels like he can cope however he wants to."  Jason looked alarmed.  "He feels like his reason to stay sober is missing.  At the meeting, he said he regretted buying drugs, but afterwards he said that he wanted to go and get high.

The most concerning thing he said was after the meeting.  His sobriety is hanging by a thread, and unless something majorly changes, he can't imagine being sober this time next week.  He told me that he was telling me this because he wanted help."

"That's at least something," Jason commented.

"Will moved his next therapy appointment to 2 tomorrow.  I'm going with him so we can work with Travis to make a plan.  Can you come too?  Your his main other support person at the moment."

"Of course I'll be there.  Will said some worrying things, but based on how he was acting, how concerned are you?"

I paused for a moment and thought.  Letting out a sigh, I said, "It's bad.  I don't know if he actively wants to use at the moment, but his internal resistance is almost gone if it's there at all.  Even if we set up guardrails, I don't know if it will be enough.  Would you mind going to the pharmacy and buying Narcan and giving it to me discreetly when I see you tomorrow?  I'll pay you back.  I don't want Will to know I have.  It might shake his confidence, knowing I'm that concerned.  I think this could go either way, and if it goes south, I'd rather be prepared."

Jason looked serious.  "I'll get it.  Don't worry about paying me back.  Are you doing okay?  It sounds like today was a lot."

"Uh, well, I went back to my eating disorder, not because of today, but... yeah," I mumbled.  

Jason raised his eyebrows.  "You want to elaborate on that?"

"So Gracie and I went to talk to Nico on Christmas about his eating disorder and why it was a problem.  I think we got through to him some.  Being around someone who is still in their eating disorder and still thinks it was fine was triggering.  Alone, that wouldn't have been enough to throw me.  My mom wrote me a letter."  Jason winced.  He knew all about my mother.  "I would normally have thrown it away without opening it.  I've been doing that ever since my stay in the psych ward.  My dad said he would notify me if there was ever a reason to read them.  Dad got into my dreams and said it was fine to open.

A year after I stopped having contact with her, she had a baby with her awful boyfriend.  He immediately left.  Mom moved out of New Rome for a job.  Since she had to put my brother in daycare, other people started to notice her behavior with him.  Work wasn't going well, and she had multiple HR complaints of bullying.  After 6 months, CPS took my brother because of emotional abuse and emotional instability in the home.  To get her parental rights back, she had to have a psychological evaluation and 6 months of mandatory therapy.  She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Instead of 6 months of weekly therapy, the psychologist suggested an intensive 6-week inpatient program with follow-up therapy for as long as needed.  She went along with this plan because it would look better to the court.  She said she started medication. In the letter, she apologized for how she had treated me growing up and the awful things she said about my eating disorder.  She said she understood if I couldn't forgive her, but she was trying to be a better mom."

Jason looked confused. "Isn't that a good thing?" He asked.

"Hearing from her brought up a lot of shitty emotions.  It reminded me of how I would try to become perfect to please her.  Maybe if I looked the right way, she would love me.  The idea of seeing her again, plus being already triggered, set me off.  I also have a lot of feelings about her getting better now as well.  I started throwing up after every meal, starting with Christmas dinner at my girlfriend's.  She caught me today at our breakfast date.  I excused myself to go to the bathroom of the restaurant after eating.  She was already suspicious, apparently, and listened outside the bathroom.  She confronted me after I got back to our table.

My therapist and I created a plan for what to do when I relapse and come back to my senses to help get things back on track.  Tell two of my support people, get a physical, and have a therapist appointment within the week.  I think the physical is overkill for a few-day relapse, but my therapist says it helps reinforce the idea that I'm doing something that could negatively impact my health.  I guess it is also a good idea to see if I did any harm.

I have a therapist appointment in two days."

"Have you told Will?" Jason asked.

"I was working up the nerve when I caught Will in the bathroom with a razor,"  I said, exhausted.

"Even though he has a lot going on, you should tell him.  He would want to know."

"Yeah, I know.  I will.  It's just-" I heard the front door open.  "I have to go," I said as I slashed through the IM and rushed to the door.  I caught Will as he was leaving.  

"Where do you think you are going?" I asked.

"For a walk to clear my head," He casually responded.

I sighed.  I could see clearly through Will's lie, but decided it would be easier if I didn't call him on it. "Okay, I'm going with you."

"That isn't necessary," He said, fidgeting.

I glared at him.  "Either I go with you, or you're not leaving this apartment."

Will stared at me for a minute.  Then sighed, "Fine."

We walked around in silence for a while, wandering the streets of New Rome.  After about 30 minutes, Will tried to turn into Kelly's Bar.  I grabbed him by the shoulder and steered him away from the door.  Once we were in a place where we could talk, I asked, "What do you think you are doing?"

"I'm hungry, and they have the best truffle fries.  I wanted that and a beer.  Do you have a problem with that?"  He asked irritated.

"Yes, for multiple reasons also, a beer, really?"

"I'm not an alcoholic.  I can have a beer."

"First, I've seen your plan for staying sober.  One of the important things in that plan is not going to bars."

"Come on," He groaned, "One time won't hurt and you're with me anyway."

"Second, you are a drug addict." He looked like I slapped him. "You are looking for a substance to help you cope.  The one you thought you could get away with was beer.  I'm not letting you do this.  If you are hungry, there is a diner around the corner that we can eat at."

"Fine," He mumbled as he walked toward the dinner.

When we got inside, we sat down and were handed menus.  I was quickly reminded why I avoided this place.  They unhelpfully listed the calories of each menu item.  I tried to take a deep breath.  It didn't work.  I started having a silent panic attack as I turned through the menu.  I could feel my hands start to tingle and my awareness of my surroundings drop.

The waitress came back and I stammered, "I'm still looking."  She left.

Pancakes- 1000 calories, waffles- 800 calories, hamburger with fries- 1,200 calories, milkshake- 850 calories.  How many calories was the lunch I ate earlier?  I know I threw it up, but that never gets rid of everything.  Have I already eaten too much?  My therapist said after a relapse, try to eat three meals a day, even if they are small.  I can stick to food that feel safe, and we can rebuild up to eating other things.  I tried to reassure myself.  I kept scanning the menu.  Eventually, I found a house salad with chicken, 600 calories. Soon, the waitress came back.

"Decided?" She asked, bored.

"Yeah, house salad with chicken," I said, trying to hold my voice steady.  My hands were shaking under the table.

"Fries with a milkshake," Will said.  Then the waitress walked off.

We sat in silence.  I tried to calm down from my panic attack without alerting Will.  I didn't feel like talking now.  The food arrived. Will immediately started to eat.  I just stared at my salad for a moment.  It was covered in cheese.  Cheese was not one of my safe foods.  I didn't sign up for this.  Take a breath.  It's just a salad, a 600-calorie salad my brain unhelpfully provided.  I pushed my salad around, taking bites that didn't have cheese on them.

"Would you like one of my fries?"  Will asked, seemingly as a peace offering after our conflict outside the bar.

He was offering me a fried potato.  Potatoes were full of starch.  Yes, starch is a complex carbohydrate, but it was still a carbohydrate.  Even worse, they had to go and fry the potato.  Who knows how much fat and oil that added to it?  Will had dipped the fatty, fried potato in ketchup, which is like straight sugar.

"Kyle?" Will asked.  I must have been quiet for too long.

"Yeah," I replied, still going through the nutrition content of the fried mess.  I was internally melting down.

"Would you like one of my fries?" He asked again.  I grabbed my glass with a shaky hand to try to give myself more time to respond.  Will must have noticed my hand.  "Are you okay?"

I could no longer hide my panic attack.  My hands were shaking, I felt disconnected from reality, and I was shaking all over.  I saw Will get up, and he moved over to sit beside me on the booth bench.  He put his arm around me. "Breathe. It's going to be okay." Was it? "Kyle, can you tell me where you are?"

"Diner, I hate," I answered quickly.

"Good, you're doing good. Can you feel my arm on your shoulder?"

"No," I was dissociating, great.

"That's fine," He said calmly.  "Can you feel anything?"

"Cold,"

"Great, focus on how the temperature feels on your skin. Anything else?"

"Breeze. Air Conditioning."

"Good, what can you see?"

"Uh, can't focus."  Nothing around me felt substantial.  Even though I could see nothing felt real.

Fortunately, Will had seen one of my dissociative panic attacks before.  He stayed calm.  "Okay, that's okay.  Let's go back to what you can feel."  He grabbed my hand and started rubbing circles into my palm with his thumb, trying to give me a sensation I could hold on to.  "What can you feel?"

I tried to focus on my hand, but everything felt so far away.  I could feel my socks itch.  "Socks, itch."

"Good, can you feel your shoes around your feet?"

After a moment of focus, I could.  "Yeah,"

"Good, feel the pressure under your feet from the ground."

"Okay,"

"Focus on that feeling of being connected to the ground.  Take a deep breath."  I did as instructed.  

"I can feel your hand and arm," I said after a minute.

"That's really good,"

After a little while, I said, "I'm back.  I'm okay." 

Will got up and went back to his side of the table.  He went back to eating.  The offer of fries was forgotten.  "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked calmly after giving me a minute to adjust back to reality.

"Um... shit... I... ugh!" I said, frustrated.

"Okay, take your time.  While you are gathering your thoughts, why do you hate this diner?"

"Calories printed on the menu," I said before I could even process the question.  Will raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

I was nervous about how Will would react.  He was already dealing with one person with an eating disorder, and I was about to add to that.  What if his frustration with Nico made him get mad at me?  Come on, this is Will, he is a part of your support system for a reason.  At least with my girlfriend, I didn't have to tell her. 

"I went back to my eating disorder starting at Christmas dinner.  The menu started the panic attack.  You asking me if I wanted a fry started a negative food spiral in my head, worsening the attack." I said while pushing around my salad while staring at it.

Will tilted my chin up.  "I'm not mad.  What happened?"  He said gently.  I proceeded to tell him everything that I had told Jason.  "So, how do you feel about her getting better?"

"I know I should be happy.  She finally saw what she did was wrong and apologized, and is trying to get better.  I'm just not.  Why is she getting better for this kid and not me?  Was I not worth getting better for?  Why does he get a mother who is present and wants him?  I wanted that." I said while crying.

"It's not fair.  You have every right to feel angry, bitter, and jealous." He said compassionately.

"Yeah," I said, just feeling hurt.

"So you didn't say how bad the relapse was this time, or exactly what the physical said."

"I didn't," I said, stonewalling.

"So?"  He asked patiently.  I knew I didn't have to tell him.  It wasn't part of the required steps my therapist and I outlined, but it felt good to talk about it.  The more I talked about it, the clearer my head got.

"Starting Christmas dinner and up till this morning, the 28th, I threw up after every meal.  I was also restricting what I ate to the bare minimum that wouldn't get noticed as a problem."  

Will looked sad.  "I hate you're going through this.  What's your mental space like?"

"As long as I'm not thinking about food or my mom, it's okay.  All of my food triggers are back."  That was a long list.  Junk food, fried food, food that contained oil, anything that seemed to me to be high in fat or carbs, processed vegetables, all fruit, meat with too much fat, and foods with artificial dyes made me panic.  If I ate any of those, I had to punish myself by purging. That was on top of purging after meals.

"When we get home, I'll move the junk food to my room until you tell me it isn't triggering for you."

I had a small sigh of relief.  "I know I have to work through my triggers, again."

"That doesn't mean you have to work through all of them at once.  When is your therapy appointment?"

"Day after tomorrow," I said.

"Did your physical show anything concerning?"

"I lost a few pounds since my last physical, but still statistically normal.  My heart is doing okay, and I didn't seem to do any damage to my teeth since this was caught relatively quickly."

"I'm glad.  Do you want me to make sure you get to your therapy appointment, or do you want me to just check with your therapist that you went?"  He asked sincerely.

I thought about it for a minute.  I could try to do this on my own.  "You don't have to," I said, embarrassed.

"That wasn't what I asked.  After your relapse last year, we made a plan for this, and you agreed.  If you relapsed, it was my job to make sure you went to therapy, because you said the worst things got the more likely it was that you would stop therapy." He said firmly.

"This is what asking for help looks like, isn't it?" I asked, exasperated, recalling my earlier words.

"Yep, sucks doesn't it?" He said with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, check with my therapist.  You don't need to walk me to every appointment unless I start skipping a bunch.  You do know you have to stay sober to do this properly, right?"

"I'll keep that in mind," Will said non-committedly. 

We ate the rest of the meal in mostly silence, with Will occasionally reminding me to eat.

Notes:

I wanted to show a different type of panic attack. Please let me know what you think! Comments mean so much to me!

Summary: Will tries to leave the apartment alone. Kyle stops him by going with him. Will tries to go to a bar to buy beer. Kyle went back to his eating disorder a few days ago after receiving a letter from his mother that she is getting better.

Chapter 101: Do You Want to Stay Sober?

Kyle, Jason, and I walked into Travis's office.  Kyle and Jason sat on either side of me on the couch like bodyguards or jailers.

"Nice to see you, Kyle, Jason, and Will.  Will, you want to tell me what's going on?"  Travis asked casually.

I let out a sigh.  This was going to suck.  "Summarizing yesterday," Breathe, it's only Travis. "I bought drugs yesterday."  Travis raised his eyebrows, but otherwise his expression didn't change.  "Kyle caught me in the bathroom where I was staring at a razor blade.  He flushed the drugs, and we went to a meeting.  It didn't help a lot.  I feel like my internal reasons for staying sober are gone.  I barely care.  I'd say I didn't care at all, but after the meeting, I summarized for Kyle how bad things were and asked him for help.  He wanted to come and create some sort of plan to help me stay sober till I get back on my feet."

"Travis, may I say something?" Kyle asked.

"Sure, any of you are free to talk."

"I think Will summarized too much and omitted some important details.  He said specifically that his sobriety was hanging on by a thread, and he couldn't imagine being sober this time next week.  That evening, he tried to leave the house and lied to me about the reason." I was shrinking into the couch the more he talked.  "I went with him in the end.  While we were out, he tried to enter a bar under the excuse that they had good truffle fries and he wanted a beer."  

Travis looked serious, "Thank you, Kyle, for the further context.  This is concerning behavior.  Will, how do you feel about these events now?"

This was Travis.  I couldn't lie without being caught immediately.  I knew how everyone would react, and it wouldn't be good.  "I'm sorry I got caught."  Jason and Kyle both snapped their heads towards me in surprise but said nothing.  I seemed to have rendered them speechless.

Travis was the first to break the silence.  "Will, do you want to stay sober? I don't want your immediate knee-jerk answer.  Please take a moment to consider your answer."

Travis had never told me to consider my answer.  He expected the truth, and that was it.  His request for consideration gave me pause.  What did I want today?  To be blissed out and high.  What did I want yesterday?  To be blissed out and high.  Neither of those tells the full story, because yesterday I told Kyle I needed help.  Today, I came to therapy to help create a plan to keep me sober, so some part of me must want help. "90% I want to get high.  10% I want to stay sober."

"Alright, there is something I can work with." He responded with a smile.

"What would you have said if I said I didn't want to stay sober?"

"Well, first, I would have clocked that you weren't entirely telling the truth.  Second, I would have asked what we were doing here."

"Okay, just want to know."

"So 10%?  That isn't a lot to work with.  That means your internal barriers are severely reduced.  With that being the case, you are going to need more support and structure."

"You make it sound like I'm going back to rehab," I said, laughing nervously.  That was one of the last things I wanted to do.

"Don't worry.  I don't think that is appropriate at this time.  So let's make a plan.  Kyle, Jason, how involved are you comfortable being?  None of your assistance should come at the cost of your well-being."

"Whatever he needs, as long as I'm not required to go to a restaurant with calories printed on the menu.  Longer story, don't ask." Kyle said.

"As long as I don't have to be a therapist, I'm good.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy to listen, but I'd rather leave coming up with plans and solutions to the professionals,"  Jason said.

"Both reasonable asks.  Let's start by reviewing Will's existing plan." Travis got out an existing document and handed it to Kyle.  As he read it, I just sank further into the couch.  

"Dude, bars and drinking are some of your triggers?  Your boundaries clearly state, 'Don't go to bars, and don't drink.' What were you doing last night?" Kyle said, shaking his head as he handed the paper to Jason.

"I'm not acting in a way that is going to keep me sober.  Isn't that why were are here?" I huffed.

"Sorry, it's just hard seeing you like this." He responded.

Triggers: Stress, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Flashbacks, Nightmares, Bars, Drinking, Other people being high

Things that help: Reaching out to people & Being Busy

Boundaries: Don't go to bars, Don't drink, and Stay away from people I used to get high with.

Action Plan: 12 hours of classes, NA meeting 2x a week

"Clearly, we need to modify this since it isn't working right now.  Will, can you think of anything you or your friends could do to help?  Does anything make you want to use less?" Travis asked.

I had to think about it for quite a while before I came up with an answer. "Going to NA meetings and therapy helps reduce the desire.  Knowing people are going to ask questions about how I'm doing and my sobriety helps.  Even though I barely care if I get high, I know it upsets other people.  I don't like being a disappointment.  Not being alone helps the most.  I wouldn't physically fight my friends to get drugs, and no one is going to let me buy drugs or use them in their presence."

"That's a good start.  Let's increase your number of therapy sessions from once a week to 3 times a week.  What do you think about that being a starting place for our new plan?"

"Um...I'm not sure how to put this.  It's a tug of war in my head at the moment.  I understand that the goal is to make a plan that does its best to prevent me from getting high, which means there is a large part of me that wants to make it fail.  If it were up to me to make a plan, I would do my best to leave holes in it so that if I wanted to, I could get high.  Asking me if I think something is a good idea probably isn't helpful if the end goal is to keep me sober.  At this point, I've probably said all of the helpful things that I can say.  The first thing I'm going to do after you make this plan is to look for holes, which I may or may not tell you about."

"Will, you have two people in this room who can tell if you are lying.  It's going to be hard for you to self-sabotage." Kyle said.

"Never underestimate a drug addict's ability to get drugs," I mumbled.  

Travis nodded.  "Will, thank you for being honest about your ability to provide useful input in this process.  You are right that we shouldn't underestimate your ability to self-sabotage.  I can keep an eye out for that as we make the plan.  Would it be better if Kyle, Jason, and I made a plan without much of your input?  I don't like taking away your agency in the process, but if you are telling me you don't think you can contribute positively, it might be in your best interest."

"Make a plan.  I'll agree to it," I said, already mentally exhausted from the internal battle for control.

"So, therapy Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  What days do you usually go to NA?"

"Mondays," I replied.

Travis narrowed his eyes, "You are supposed to be going two times a week under your current plan.  Since you haven't even been able to keep up with the current plan, let's try for twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays.  This way, you are receiving some sort of help every weekday."

"The meeting I go to doesn't meet on Tuesdays, only Mondays and Thursdays."

Travis narrowed his eyes again.  "You are lying to me.  What are you lying about?"

"Ugh! There is also a meeting on Sundays. I just don't want to go." I said, irritated and crossing my arms.

"You're going to all three."  Travis wrote something in his notes.

"Travis, how do we make sure he goes to therapy and meetings?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, he was already planning on skipping yesterday's meeting before I caught him,"  Kyle said, concerned.

Travis sat and thought for a moment, "Well, with Will's permission, I could inform one or both of you if he skips a session or starts to schedule fewer sessions."

"It should be both of us.  I know Nico would want to know too, but I don't think he should be a part of this plan." Jason said seriously.

"I agree.  Will, do I have your permission?" Travis asked.

"Yes," I grumbled.  I felt like I was building a cage I was going to be trapped in.

"As far as going to meetings goes.  One of you can walk him there."

"We will figure out a schedule that works with our school and work schedules," Jason said.

"Now, ideas about implementing regular accountability questions?"  Travis asked.

"I could ask to see his bracelet every morning.  That was how I got him to tell me about the drugs this time.  It's not a super invasive thing."

Travis nodded his head, "That can also benefit his cutting problem.  Will, you said Kyle caught you with a razor blade.  Is self-harm behavior something we need to consider when making this plan?"

I knew the point of this meeting was to prevent me from using destructive coping methods, but every time an avenue for destructive coping gets cut off, it irritates me. "Yes," I said, frustrated.

"Is there any way to make your apartment a safer space?" Travis asked.

"No," Of course, there were ways to make it less likely for me to cut.  I just wanted to leave my options open.

"I see you have some resistance to this idea.  That probably means we are on the right track." Travis said.  Stupid therapist, with his stupid truth-telling powers.

"Kyle, what object do you think that Will might use for cutting?"

"Razors, daggers, knives, and fingernails are the ones that come up immediately," Kyle said.

"If Will isn't on board with it, we shouldn't remove his preferred cutting tools.  It could make him try something more dangerous or misjudge a cut that was supposed to be minor."  Jason said.

"Jason is right.  It's more dangerous to remove the objects.  That doesn't mean there aren't things we can do to make the space safer.  One idea would be to remove them from his bedroom.  That way, he has to leave his room to get them, so one more barrier to cutting, but they are accessible.  If Kyle notices they have been moved, he can ask about them."  Travis looked at me.

"Fine, I'll move the weapons to the kitchen," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Travis, Will asked me to take the razors from his bathroom, because they were too much temptation.  Based on what you and Jason said, should I put them back?" Kyle asked.

"No.  If Will asked them to be removed, that's a good thing, and we should do that.  Thinking out loud, drug use and cutting are typically secretive behaviors not done around those who would disapprove.  We could use this to combat his negative behaviors by reducing Will's opportunities for privacy."

"No!" I said, sitting straight up immediately.

Travis was unfazed by my outburst. "You said you were going to try to sabotage this plan. Unless you want to make a good, solid argument as to why we shouldn't take steps to limit your privacy, I think that could be something that could help." I sat back, crossed my arms, and pouted.

"What would you suggest?" Jason asked.

"Since Kyle lives with Will, I think an open-door policy for both of their rooms would be a good idea."  Bathroom, loophole.

"Why mine?" Kyle asked, tilting his head in confusion.  

"If you shut your door, you are giving Will the privacy of the whole rest of the apartment."

"Got it.  What about bathrooms?  That could still give him plenty of privacy." Damn you Kyle!

"Hmm," Travis said, thinking.

"Reasonable time limits?" Jason suggested.

"And no fucking locked doors," Kyle said.

"Come on! Really? No locked doors?" I exclaimed in frustration, looking at Kyle. This was going to put a real hindrance on my ability to get high or cut in the apartment.

"Dude, you tried to commit suicide in our bathroom, and I couldn't get to you because of a locked door.  I don't want a repeat of that," He said seriously.

Significantly calmer, I said, "Fine, I agree to no locked doors."  When Kyle brought up the suicide attempt as a reason for anything, I typically agreed with what he wanted.  I knew he still had some issues surrounding that, which was 100% my fault.

"What about time limits, Will? 15 minutes for showers, and 5 minutes for using the bathroom." Travis asked.

"This seems incredibly invasive to my privacy," I said, pouting.

"Will, are you irritated with the idea because you believe it to be unnecessary, or because it would limit your ability to cut and use?" Travis asked, reacting calmly to my outburst.

"Itwouldhindermyabilitytocutanduse," I quickly mumbled.

"What was that?" Travis asked.

"Ugh! It would hinder my ability to cut and use. Happy?" I said 

"Then, do you agree to time limits?" Travis asked.

"Yes," I grumbled.

"What about when he leaves the apartment?  He isn't a prisoner there, nor should he be."  Jason said.

Travis thought for a moment, "I do have a few ideas.  We mainly use them for minor children with addictions, but they could have a place here."

"What are they?" I said deadpan.  I didn't think I was going to like this.

"You need to have someone come with you to leave your apartment," Travis suggested.

"Who enforces that when I'm not home?  I don't think that would be effective unless Will was asking for that kind of help." Kyle said.

"Okay, a step up from that would be a monitoring device.  It would alert one of you if he went outside of designated areas."

"An ankle monitor?" I asked incredulously.  I couldn't hold back my critique. "I can already think of easy ways to get drugs in that scenario.  All I have to do is have a dealer come to me."

"Good point," Jason said, "Any other ideas?"

Travis looked deep in thought, then addressed me, "How badly do you want to stay sober?"

"What kind of question is that? I'm here." I asked, confused.

"Are you willing to put up with significant intrusions on your life to make that happen?"

I had to think about it.  Attempting to be objective and focusing on the part of me that wanted to be good, I sighed, "It's not a matter of want.  It's a matter of need.  I need to stay sober, even if it's just for legal reasons.  If I weren't having real problems doing that, I wouldn't be here.  Whatever plan we make, I'm probably going to try to get drugs or cut anyway.  We should make it as air-tight as possible, even if I hate it."

"Okay," Travis went to a cabinet behind him and pulled out a box.  He opened it.  There was one row of silver bangles, another row of what seemed to be circular metal disks with a button on them, and finally a jade bracelet.

"What's that?" Jason asked.

"It's a tethering system.  This jade bracelet is tied to these bangles and disks.  This bracelet must be within 200 feet of a bangle or activated disk."  Travis said.

"Couldn't Will just grab one of these bracelets or disks and take it with him?" Jason asked.

"No.  If you are wearing the jade bracelet and attempt to touch the bracelets or disks, it will severely burn, immediate 3rd degree burns."  

"What about if he uses oven mittens or some other barrier?" Kyle asked.

"The jade bracelet is highly charmed.  It can read the intention of the wearer.  If you try to mess with the other bracelets in any way or the disks, you will still get burned."

"So, how does this work?" I asked, exhausted.

"A bracelet is activated by being worn, and the jade bracelet can only be removed by someone wearing one of the other devices.  A disk is activated by being set on the ground and a button pushed.  Once that button is pushed, the disk can only be moved or deactivated by the person who activated it."

"Why would we need that?" Kyle asked.

"Classes, work, therapy, or home, so you don't have to stay with him in a safe environment.  Will, what do you think?"

"I can see loopholes with the disks, but the bracelets seem air-tight," I commented, exhausted with this whole thing.

"Now, one safety concern.  If you are in danger, the tether will break so you can get to safety.  Jason, Kyle, this particular plan requires a large time commitment on your part.  You can also recruit other people to help ease the burden, but is this something you are willing to commit to?"

Jason and Kyle looked at each other. "We should ask Percy and Annabeth to help," Jason said. "I'm in if you are."

"I'm in," Kyle responded.

"Does anyone have any other ideas?" Travis asked.  Kyle and Jason shook their heads.

"Will, are there things we are missing?" Travis directly asked.

"There are small gaps in the plan.  They are narrow, but it wouldn't take much for me to try to take advantage of them." I said being honest.

"Is there any action we should take to make the gaps smaller?"

I threw my head back in frustration.  I didn't want to do this.  It would make some of those gaps damn near impossible to get through as far as using goes. Righting my head, I fished out my wallet from my back pocket.  I opened it and removed my various forms of ID and pocketed them.  I handed my wallet over to Kyle.  He looked at me, confused, but took it anyway.

"That has my bank cards, credit cards, and all of my money minus 10 drachmas that are in my room for Iris messaging.  I can't use drugs if I can't buy them.  I can't buy them if I don't have cash.  I'll ask for it back if I need to go buy something.  That should have closed all the gaps that can be closed.  Don't underestimate my creativity, but I can't see a way to get drugs at the moment with this plan."

Jason hugged my shoulders.  "I'm proud of you, man.  I know putting barriers in is hard."

"Will, do you see any opportunities for cutting in this plan?"  Travis asked.

"Yes, but not in any way you could easily remove them.  The opportunities are reduced, and that's all you can do."

"What do you think of the plan?" Travis asked.

"I hate it.  It severely limits my freedoms and in many ways treats me like a child." I responded in frustration.

"Can you follow it, or should we modify it?"  Travis asked.

I rolled my eyes in irritation, "I agree to the plan as presented.  You shouldn't modify it."

"Will, this isn't a permeate plan.  I think we should go back to the previous plan as soon as possible, once you and your support system agree that the strong threat of you using immediately has passed.  You're not my first client to have to make a plan like this.  Is there anything anyone wants to discuss before you go?"

There was a chorus of nos, and we left with the box.

-----

My therapy appointment was several hours ago.  We had spent a while comparing schedules so that someone could be with me when I needed to go places, and Annabeth and Percy had come over to help.  Now, everyone had left except Kyle.

I was lying in my room reading a book with the door open.  Well, trying to read a book.  It was hard when all I wanted was to get high.  I gave up and started staring at the ceiling.  Certainly, this plan had a flaw.  There had to be a way to get drugs, I just needed to think about it enough.

Kyle knocked on the door frame to get my attention.  "You okay?  You look troubled."

I sat up.  My brain was so fried, and I was so tired. I didn't even bother to lie.  "I'm stressed and want to get high.  I'm trying to figure out a plan to do that, but you have my wallet among other challenges." I said through gritted teeth.

Kyle came and sat down on my bed.  "Glad to see our plan is working.  You will be thankful when you come back to your senses.  You weren't this bad a week ago.  Did Nico's diagnosis really throw you that much?"

"Yes,"

"Why?"

"Besides the fact that Nico is using self-destructive coping mechanisms, so I feel that I should be able to as well?"

"Yeah, is there something beyond that?"

I sighed.  I guess we were getting into this.  "I got triggered before Nico passed out.  One of the people in our NA group went missing, and the circumstances pointed to drug use as the cause.  Nico, another person from NA, and I went to find her.  We found her in a house filled with drugs.  I also saw one of the people who beat me up for Gary in this house.  In the basement, there were people bagging drugs and consulting some papers.  If they saw me, they probably would have tried to kill me.  We called emergency services, and we still had not found our other friend.  I was in a house full of drugs.  I'm pretty sure there is probably something in my probation that I was violating, and I knew legion members were coming.

Fortunately, we found her and got outside of the house before they got there.  When we found her, she was coming down off a high and was looking at a bag of pills." I sighed in frustration at the memory. "I had to slide the drugs over to Nico to dispose of because I was tempted to pocket them myself." Kyle gave a look of sympathy.  "After checking that she was okay, we left the house."  

That house was full of so many triggers-feeling unsafe, stress, and other people using.  That's besides the fact that there was a large storage of drugs in the house.  It didn't matter that I couldn't access them.  They were there.  I told Nico I needed a meeting after what we just did.  My two NA friends and I left to go to a meeting, and Nico stayed to deal with the legion.

Fuck, I was taking the steps to deal with it, telling Nico, and going to a meeting." I was bunching my fists in frustration,  "Normally, this kind of thing takes an instant of temptation to start and a few hours to go away.  I would have been fine if he hadn't passed out immediately after the meeting.  So when I went to the hospital, I was already in a compromised state.  Hearing Nico's diagnosis was worrisome and stressful, another trigger. 

I was also worried that Nico would react like Gracie, and those worries were confirmed when he woke up.  Nico and I fought over the diagnosis.  He intentionally poked at my insecurity of being enough, and threw my addiction in my face.  Not great things for keeping things stable.  That was just Saturday, and I'm still reeling a bit.

Any two or three of these things I could handle, but they started to pile one on top of the other with not much cool-down time.  Normally, three days would be enough for the temptation to calm down, but Nico and I haven't resolved our fight.  He is still dangerously sick.  School starts in 13 days.  Nico and I might resolve our fight before then, but he is still going to be sick.  I also imagine he is going to have a lot of setbacks, Graice sure did.  Even with a reduced course load, I don't know if I can do it without drugs."

"So, you have a lot going on besides just Nico being out of commission," Kyle responded.

"Yeah," I went back to staring at the ceiling.

"Can I help?" He asked.

"You are already holding my wallet, and I can't leave the apartment because of this bracelet.  There isn't much else to do."

"Alright, let me know if that changes." He said as he left the room.

Triggers: Stress, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Flashbacks, Nightmares, Bars, Drinking, Other people being high, Feeling unsafe, 

Things that help: Reaching out to people & Being Busy

Boundaries: Don't go to bars, Don't drink, and Stay away from people I used to get high with.

Action Plan: 12 hours of classes, NA meeting 2x a week, 3x a week therapy, tethering bracelets, surrendering wallet

Notes:

What do you guys think? Is Will going to be able to get around the safeguards?

Chapter 102: Dream from Dad

Notes:

Hey guys! Sorry for the late post.

I was dreaming and found myself in a beautiful park.  "You've had quite the week," Apollo said as I sat down in the grass.

"Yeah," I said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry about Nico.  I tried to warn him this could happen," He said.

"You knew!" I said, surprised. 

"Yeah, we talked after your suicide attempt." I shuddered. "He wasn't ready for help then."

"How much of that has changed?" 

Apollo's face turned dark.  "He's had a bad night, but nothing the facility isn't capable of handling."

"That's ominous," I said, concerned.

"He should be fine, but he could use some support." He said, concerned.

"I guess we have to resolve our fight sometime.  I know I told him to call first, but I guess I could go and talk to him," I said with a sigh.

"You should do it sooner rather than later."  He then switched topics.  "I saw you buy the drugs," He said seriously.  I closed my eyes and prepared myself for a conversation about being a disappointment, instead, Apollo was just kind.  "Watching you staring at that razor was one of the longest 26 minutes and 28 seconds of my very long life.  I'm glad Kyle interrupted you.  I may have influenced him a little to go check on you."  He said, concern written on his face. 

"I'm surprised that you didn't give me any grief for cutting."

"I think Jason handled that well enough." He said casually. 

"I'm assuming that you also saw Kyle flush the drugs down the toilet?"  I said, looking out at the scenery.

"Yes, I also saw that you were pissed about it." He said with a chuckle.

"I wasn't pissed." Apollo raised his eyebrows, "Okay, I was," I admitted, slumping my shoulders.

"I'm glad you asked Kyle to remove the razors.  I'm proud of you for asking for help." 

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not doing that good at asking for help.  I just spent the last hour trying to plot how to get more drugs."

"After you agreed to a very extensive and restrictive plan to limit your ability to buy and use them." He said cheerfully.

"Yeah, I guess," I agreed halfheartedly.  "I feel so lost and out of my depth.  I know I should be ashamed or at least concerned about my behavior, but I'm just not.  Things just feel numb now."  Apollo looked concerned.  "I just want to feel something.  I'm getting desperate, which I know raises some alarm bells in the back of my head that I should care about but doesn't.  It's like all the things I used to care about, like if I stay sober, have had the volume turned way down or entirely off.  I still care about my friends and family's well-being, but even that doesn't feel like it used to.  I lost the ability to care about what they think about me.  At the moment, the only emotions I feel, when I feel any, are negative." I sighed.

"You should tell Travis all of this.  Anhedonia, apathy, and emotional burnout are very serious depression symptoms," He said seriously.  "I know you just changed meds, but this might mean you are on the wrong one."

I sagged on the bench, feeling tired of everything.  "This was my 7th med combination in 3 months.  Am I going to feel this way forever?"

"No.  You need to tough it out.  They can get you the right combination, but it may take a little while." He handed over a depression screening test.  "No one has asked you to fill out one of these since your second time in rehab.  I think that is a mistake."  

"Really?  Is this a talk with my dad or a therapy appointment?" I said, trying to smile, but failing, filling out the form.

"No reason it can't be a bit of both." He said.

19/30 Not the worst score, I guess.  I headed the sheet back to Apollo.  He read it, and when he snapped his finger, it disappeared.  "I've left it in Travis's inbox, with a note." He said matter-of-factly. "Question 9?" He said with all traces of casualness that had colored most of this conversation gone.

"We don't have to talk about this," I said, wanting to avoid the topic. 

"While true, I would prefer if we did." He responded.

I sighed.  Dad could be persistent if he wanted to be.  It seemed like this might be one of those times.  Giving in, I asked, "What do you want to know exactly?"

Apollo paused and seemed to be measuring his response,  "I guess there's no easy way of asking this.  Are you suicidal, having self-harm thoughts, or both?"

I started messing with a string on the bottom of my T-shirt. "It's complicated?... I guess both."

Apollo looked very concerned.  "Can you tell me about it?"

Reluctantly, I started, "Okay. Starting with the easier one to talk about, the self-harm thoughts are more or less a constant low hum in the background.  Easy enough to ignore most of the time.  It's been like this for a long time.  Things start getting harder when I get distressed.  It starts sounding more appealing, and that's when things can get dangerous.  I'm aware of the problem.  Suicidal thoughts?  Most of the time, it is just intrusive thoughts that get dismissed as quickly as they come."

Apollo hadn't dropped his look of concern, "Most isn't all."

"Alright," I said with a sigh, "When I start taking inventory of how I'm feeling and have been feeling for a while, that's when things become... problematic.  I look towards my future, and I can't imagine feeling better than this.  Then thoughts start to take root, and it takes real effort to snap out of it.  It's part of why using is so tempting at the moment because it doesn't let me get sucked into that line of thought."

"Do you have any plans?" He asked, concerned and nervous.

I let out a dark chuckle. "Of course, I have plans for how to self-harm even with the new restrictions.  That was the second thing my mind looked for when we made it.  The first was a way to get drugs.  The shower and the apartment, when Kyle is not home, are both weak points."

"Good to know, but not what I meant."

"Oh."  I played with the strands of grass for a long time, not saying anything.  Eventually, I spoke, "I'm not sure exactly what you are asking, but I'll do my best to answer.  I know what I would do—a dagger in the shower.  I didn't consciously make a plan.  It's just what my mind supplied as the answer to a problem.  I have no intention of following it."

"I'm glad that you are aware of what leads to problems and can try to avoid them.  If something changes about your desire to follow your suicide plan, please let someone know.  If there is no one around, pray to me and I'll find a way to help my father's rules be damned.   Not that I'm not grateful that you're trying so hard not to do something harmful, but why are you?  If things look so dark to you, and you have lost the ability to care, why agree to such a restrictive plan that gives you very little room to engage in destructive habits that you want?"

"I hope one day I'm going to wake up, and I'm going to care.  I don't want, when that happens, to find my life in ruins, or, gods forbid, I'm in jail."

"Hope-there is a positive emotion." Apollo pointed out.

"I have them, just in very small quantities that are hardly noticeable daily, but they are probably what is keeping me alive," I said, still playing with the grass.

The dream started to dissolve. "Will, I'm going to add a lot of what we talked about to the note I left for Travis.  I love you." Then the dream was gone.

Someone was shaking me.  I woke with an irritated, "What?"  When I opened my eyes, I was met with Kyle, looking serious.  "Come on, man, you waking me up was not part of the deal."  I looked at my clock.  It was 11.  "I don't have therapy till 2.  Let me sleep," I said, turning over.

"Get up!" He said forcefully.  I sat up and stared at him.  Kyle wasn't much for shouting. "I've called Travis and moved your therapy to 4.  He said he would make the change tentative till you confirmed it.  You need to get to the hospital, it's Nico. I'll explain on the way."

Notes:

What do you think happened with Nico?

Chapter 103: A Quite Cry For Help

Notes:

I'm so excited to post this chapter! TW: Discussion of suicide attempt.

Earlier that morning.

Nico's POV:

"You look... agitated." Dr. Green said as he entered my room.

"Will hasn't come to see me since our fight."

"Why haven't you IMed him?  You don't have to wait for him to make the first move.  Communication is about both parties."

"Yeah, but what would I say?  Hey, I'm still not on board with the idea that I have anorexia, get over it?  I also said a few harsh things."

"Ah, I see the problem.  You think he is still mad at you, but you don't know how to fix it.  You are avoiding the problem.  That doesn't last forever." He said understandingly.

"Yeah, I know," I said, feeling just as bothered as when Dr. Green came in.

"Have you thought about being honest with Will and saying there is a problem?"

"I've thought about it.  I'm just not sure if I can.  Telling Will makes it real," I said sadly.  "So what did you want to talk about today?"

"Well, since it seems like you are not going to bring it up on your own, we need to talk about last night," Dr. Green said as he took a seat.

I stiffened, "What about it?" I asked nervously.

He sighed, "This is going to be like pulling teeth. Okay." He started reading from the chart he brought in, "Last night and the night before, you refused dinner."

"I wasn't hungry," I mumbled.  The lie sounded hollow even to my ears.

Dr. Green gave me a look that said, 'Really? That's the lie you're going to use.'  He continued, "Some time between 9 and 9:30 pm, you removed your feeding tube and glucose IV.  When instructed by staff to sit so a new IV could be placed, as well as a new feeding tube, you refused repeatedly.  You physically blocked the nurses from putting in the IV and feeding tube.  You were then restrained by four nurses and sedated.  The IV and feeding tube were replaced, and you were soft-cuffed to the bed for your safety and the safety of the staff."  He looked up from the chart and set it on the desk in the room.  "We need to talk about this."

"Why didn't any of my powers work?  No offense to your staff, but it should have taken way more than four people to overpower me."

"Okay, if that's where you want to start.  The entire hospital is enchanted to not allow powers that would allow someone to magically leave.  This is the most secure section of the psych ward.  It is enchanted not to allow any potentially damaging powers to work."

"Alright," I said.  I now had the answer to my question, I didn't want to discuss this any further.  Dr. Green seemed to disagree.

"I want to talk about why you removed your feeding tube and why you reacted so violently to the idea of it being put back in."

"I tried.  I really did.  I knew that if I took it out, it would be put back in.  It was out of my control, but every time I looked at it, I would panic.  The loss of any sense of control..." I looked at the feeding tub bag and started to shake.  "I felt like my mind was being put in a prison of my own skin.  I felt trapped here, both physically and mentally.  I didn't feel like I could even escape to the safe places of my mind because this poison was being pumped into me.  I couldn't take it anymore.  Those few minutes when I wasn't attached to anything were the first time I felt like I could breathe normally since I woke up in the hospital."  I was still shaking.  Tearing my gaze from the feeding tube bag back to Dr. Green, I begged, "Please, please, can we stop this?  I can't take it anymore." I started hyperventilating.  Everyone was going to make every decision for me till I died.  I felt so trapped.  I needed to get out.

"Nico," Dr. Green said calmly. "Imagine your room in the underworld.  Your safe space.  Tell me something about it."

I took a staggered breath. "The sheets are red."

"Good.  What else?"

"The bed is a four-poster canopy bed." I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

"What else?"

"The room has gothic arches in the ceiling." My hand stopped shaking.

"Tell me more."

"There is a bathroom off to the right." My vision cleared. "There are sheer black curtains around my bed." I could breathe normally. "I'm okay," I said, relieved after a minute.

"Alright, why do you feel like we are pumping poison into you?"

Logically, I knew it wasn't poison.  "You're putting extra food into me, therefore, extra weight.  I have to remain in shape, or I'm bound to be killed by a monster.  This is negatively impacting my overall well-being." I mumbled the next part, "I still want to look attractive to my boyfriend."

"Okay, do you still think not eating is a problem?" He asked calmly.  "We aren't talking about what is the appropriate amount or anything, just the concept of eating."

I had to think for a minute.  I had trouble functioning when I didn't eat and couldn't think.  I knew we needed food to function. "Yes," I said cautiously.

"Do you think I have a desire to harm you?"  

Dr. Green had done so much to help me.  He helped with my PTSD.  He helped me be able to recognize flashbacks.  He helped me work things out with Will.  Would he really want to harm me now? "No," I said, still with my guard up.

"I'm the one directing your care plan along with Dr. Adams.  That includes the feeding tube and IV.  You are not eating enough food on your own.  Till you can do that for yourself, I need to make sure your body is getting what it needs."

"I don't think you are harming me intentionally.  This is too much," I said, gesturing to the IV pole.

"Do you think you are eating enough?  Compare your eating to that of your peers."

I ate less.  I knew I ate less, but it wasn't a problem. "I objectively eat less than my peers."

"You talked about a loss of control.  What makes controlling your food so important?"

"I have no choices in my life.  Everything around me is being decided for me.  I have no control over going on quests or retrieval missions, and I definitely don't have control over what happens on those missions.  My sister was destined to die on a quest.  There was no way to avoid it.  I can't control whether Will is going to stay sober or not.  I couldn't stop Cindy's rape or my boyfriend's.  Everything horrible keeps happening, and I can't control it."

"Not everything can be controlled."

"So let me have this one thing.  I need it.  Please don't take it away," I begged.

"We are going to talk about this more, but first, can you fill out this depression screening sheet?"

"Why?  I filled one out a few days ago." I said, confused.

"I need to keep track of our progress, or lack thereof.  Also, if something changes in your mental state, I'm more likely to catch it this way." He handed the paper over, and I started to fill it out.

Reading through the questions and mentally responding honestly, it was really bad, so much worse than a few days ago.  I was tempted to minimize my problems.  Make my distress look less extreme.  I looked at Dr. Green critically, thinking about how honest to be.  Dr. Green must have seen my hesitation to respond because he said, "Just be honest.  However bad it is, we can deal with it."  He was really putting my trust in him to the test.  I hoped I wouldn't be disappointed.  I filled out the questionnaire honestly, 21/30.  This was going to be bad.  I handed the paper back nervously.

As he read it, he said, "Okay.  We can deal with this.  Sometimes things get worse before they get better."  He seemed unsurprised.  "Do you want to talk about control, or what you filled out here?"

"Control," I knew what he wanted to talk about, and I was not ready for that conversation.

"You are trying to regain a sense of control by controlling what you eat or don't eat, and by giving you a feeding tube, I'm taking that away." He said pragmatically.

"I don't have anything else. Please let me have this," I pleaded again.

Dr. Green looked sad.  "We had a conversation about how you didn't want to cope by hurting yourself."

"Yes," I said, not understanding where he was going with this.

"We need food to survive, yes?"

"Yes," I said cautiously.

"You just said you eat less than your peers."

"Well, yes, but not problematicly so." I defended.

"Chronic food restriction is harmful.  Why do you think you don't need as much food as your peers?"

I sat there with a deer-in-the-headlights look.  Why did I think that?  I get that was the logical conclusion of my actions.  I sat thinking for a while.  Eventually, I said, "I don't think I need less food than my peers."  Dr. Green smiled.

"So you need as much food as your peers, but you are denying yourself that.  You are intentionally depriving your body of something that it needs, causing harm.  Do you think your food restriction is a problem?"

No. Maybe. Probably. Yes, but if I say yes, he is going to want to fix it.  Saying no isn't going to get me anywhere.  I need my eating disorder to have any sense of control.  Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.  Why did I just think that?  Eating disorder, really?  Eating disorders are problems.  Did I really just think that I have one, and that I need it?  Both of those thoughts are troubling.  Okay, my behavior is just problematic, not an eating disorder.  Not every food issue is an eating disorder, but Dr. Green said..., Dr. Adams said..., Will said..., Kyle said..., Gracie said..., Apollo said... Ah, this is too much!

"Nico?" Dr. Green said, getting my attention.

I talked about nearly murdering my sister with this man.  This wasn't as bad as that.  I thought, trying to give myself a sense of comfort. "It's a problem," I responded.

"You eat less than your peers to gain a sense of control.  You are worried about gaining weight despite being underweight.  This, along with your other symptoms, is what anorexia is.  I think it could be beneficial for you to move from saying there is a problem to giving that problem a specific name.  When a problem doesn't have a name, it can seem more ambiguous, scarier, harder to define, and therefore harder to treat.

He made sense.  I hated that he made sense.  "I don't want to have anorexia," I grumbled.

"No one wants to have a problem.  Even if you don't name the problem, it is still a problem.  Ignoring something doesn't make it go away." He said kindly.

"I guess," I said, upset by the way this conversation was going.

"Now I would like to know where you are at with this now?  How would you define your problem?"

Okay this sucked.  I knew defining a problem was one of the critical steps in problem solving, but what if I didn't want my problem solved?  If I didn't want my problem solved, was it really a problem?

"Naming a problem makes people want to fix things," I said.

"I didn't ask about what comes next or fixing things.  I asked where you were with this. Do you think you have a problem and can't fully define it; do you think your problem is consistent with anorexia, or do you think your problem might be better defined by another eating disorder?" He asked with endless patience.

I was quiet. I knew the answer.  Dr. Green knew I knew the answer or would get there eventually.  All that was left was to say it.  It shouldn't be this difficult.  I felt like there was a barrier between my brain and my mouth.  If I said it, then it would be true.  It was true whether I said it or not.  If I said it, I would have to deal with it.  Wasn't I already confined to a psych ward with a feeding tube and IV?  There wasn't much farther downhill this could go.  Did I lose anything by telling the truth? "I have anorexia," I said finally.

"I'm proud of you.  I know that took a lot," Dr. Green said with a smile.

"I still don't want to do anything about it." I countered.

"That's okay.  We can get there.  You've made a lot of progress today.  Now, I would like to talk about your depression questionnaire." He said, looking more serious.

I was so not ready for this.  I told the truth on the form, but I certainly didn't want to talk about it. "Do we have to?" I asked sheepishly.

"You know we have to." He said, being firm.

"A guy can dream," I said, then sighed. "What do you want to discuss?"

"You had thoughts of suicide or self-harm.  Which one or both?"  I did my best not to visibly tense. I could get through this conversation.  The lack of preamble and the fact that Dr. Green wasn't acting upset made it easier.

I pulled my knees up to my face, pulling myself into a ball.  I couldn't look at Dr. Green. "Suicide," I said with no elaboration.

"Okay, do you have a plan?"

"Does letting my eating disorder come to its natural end count?"

"Technically, yes.  Do you have any plans to take immediate action against yourself?"  He asked calmly.

"No,"

"Are there specific things or thoughts that make you feel this way?"

"At least my death would be my choice.  In death, there are no missions or prophecies.  I feel like I'm stuck on a never-ending roller coaster where bad things happen, and I can't get off.  I didn't feel this way before I got here.  Now I feel there are no choices for me.  I'm trapped here, and because of the feeding tube and IV, I don't feel like I even have control of my own body.  I didn't even choose to go here.  I don't feel like anywhere is safe."

"Do you view your feeding tube and IV as a threat?" He said, trying to understand.

"Maybe?  Can we please stop it?  It's awful." I asked again.

Dr. Green seemed to be deep in thought.  When he was done, he said, "Did Will ever ask for drugs in rehab?"

This seemed like an abrupt change of topic and not the answer to my question.  I uncurled from my ball, relaxing.  "Yeah, he asked his roommate.  He then confessed this to his therapist and me."

"Did his therapist give him drugs?"

"What? No."

"Because that wasn't the long-term answer to his distress.  Removing the feeding tube and IV before you are feeding yourself would be like giving Will drugs.  You would feel better momentarily, but it would backfire.  You need it to be healthy long term."

"But what if there isn't a long term because I kill myself!" Fuck. I didn't mean to say that out loud. Oh no. Why isn't he talking? Shit.  I definitely shouldn't have said that.  I'm going to get myself put on 24 hr survalance. No, no, no, no, no.  I curled back up into a ball.  "Can we please pretend that I didn't say that?" I begged.

"No," he responded cautiously, "When you make statements like that, we have to discuss them.  Was that said out of frustration, or have you been giving the serious consideration?  That kind of statement doesn't come out of nowhere.  Either way, I'm still concerned that you have suicidal ideation at all.  I want to have the right approach to help you."

"A little bit of both," I said reluctantly.  Nothing good was going to come from this.

"Okay," Dr. Green's calmness was helping me not panic over what I said.  "How often are you having these thoughts, and what do you think about them?"

"Maybe three times a day.  Mainly, when I'm reminded of the feeding tube and my lack of control.  What do I think about them? Can you elaborate on the question?"

"Do you find them scary, bothersome, comforting, tempting, stressful, or depressing?"

"Um..."  I was having trouble putting words to my feelings. “Confusing, disturbing, and tempting.  At the moment, I want to go home to my dad.”

"Permanently?"

"It would solve a lot of my problems, but I'd miss Will.  I don't think I want a final trip."

"Good."

"Does this change anything?" I asked, worried.

"One more question, then I can answer that.  Have you taken any active action against yourself more than just engaging with your eating disorder?"

Well, shit.  I was such a fucking hypocrite.  Will was going to kill me when he found out, because he was going to find out.  There was no if.  There was a metal corner to my book on Egyptian burial rites.  It was sharp.  This morning, when I got out of those stupid cuffs, death seemed like the only way out of this nightmare.  There was a pretty bad gash I made in the crook of my elbow.  As soon as I did it, I snapped back to reality, not wanting to die at this exact moment.  I cleaned it up and hoped no one would notice.  Even a suicide attempt (oh my gosh, that's what I did, didn't I?) with minimal damage was going to be taken very seriously. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.  I was hoping no one would find out, but he asked about it directly. 

Lying would be easy. Then we could move on, and I could ignore my moment of pure desperation for a little while longer.  I knew I would have to deal with that eventually, but did it have to be right now when I felt like my life was in a hell storm?  I had never directly lied to Dr. Green, obfuscated, possibly, but never a direct lie.  I wasn't about to start now.  That left two options: tell the truth or not answer the question.  It took me less than two seconds to decide. "I'm done talking," I said as I went over to my bed and curled up around my stuffed cerberus, facing away from Dr. Green.  Maybe if I shut down, we could stop talking for the day.

I heard footsteps.  Dr. Green had walked around my bed and kneeled to be at my eye level.  "I can't force you to talk," He said kindly. Good. "But based on the way you shut down at my question, I have to assume that you have taken some action against yourself.  Now we can talk about it, or I can move your physical from tomorrow to right now." Oh fuck.  I curled tighter around cerberus and screwed my eyes shut wishing for all of this to go away.  I started silently crying.

Dr. Green was patient and moved his chair over to the bedside.  "I've had suicidal patients before.  I've also had patients who have made attempts.  Whatever it is, I can handle it.  Things will be a lot easier if you just talk to me.  Nico, I care about you and want you to get better.  Work with me."

I didn't move for a minute, desperately clinging to a fragile sense of safety provided by shutting out the world.  Even though I was still crying, I sat up.  I rolled up my left sleeve to reveal a long, jagged cut.  Dr. Green didn't react much.  "Is there anything else?"

"No,"

He said gently, "Let's get you some medical treatment before we talk about this."

Dr. Green escorted me out of the psych ward and to another medical floor.  We didn't talk.  After getting the cut stitched up, we returned to my room.  Dr. Green spoke first, "Nico, I want you to tell me the purpose of that cut."

"Purpose?" I knew what he was asking.  I was stalling.

"Was this a non-suicidal self-injury, or was this a suicide attempt?" He asked clinically.

I was looking at Cerberus in my lap and petting the fur to attempt to calm myself.  It wasn't working well.  "Suicide attempt.  I freaked out after I cut and stopped the bleeding.  I was hoping I could hide it."

Dr. Green gave a small sigh, "Nico, if you do something to yourself, we will find out at your next physical.  There is no point in hiding it.  After you cut, you should have told someone to get medical treatment.  If you are feeling that bad, please go to one of the staff members, and they will get me.    No one will be mad at you here.  You are here because you are sick and need help.  Let us help.  Do you feel up to talking more about the attempt?"

"No,"

"Okay.  We will talk about it at our next session.  It also might be good to talk about it in group.  Anyway, you asked if this changes anything, and it does."

That made me internally panic.  Could things get worse?  "How so?" I asked nervously.

"Protocol for a suicide attempt is 3 days of 24-hour supervision." He said calmly.

"I'm going to be on suicide watch?!  I stopped myself!" I protested. "The cut wasn't even that bad." Dr. Green gave me a look, "Okay, it was that bad, but I stopped myself.  You wouldn't have even known that it was there if I didn't tell you."

"I would have found out after tomorrow's physical.  We can discuss many facets of your treatment and come to a compromise together.  This is something that is non-negotiable."

"Fine," I said, upset.

"Now, one other thing before we end today's session.  A suicide attempt, even one with minimum damage like yours, should be something that your support system knows about.  A lot of my clients find it easier if I inform their support people instead of having to do it themselves.  Is there anyone you would like me to contact and share this information with?"

"Will, Jason, Percy, Kyle, and Hazel."

Dr. Green then asked, "What information and I allowed to share?"

Even though I wasn't directly telling my family and friends what I had done, it felt close enough, and it was uncomfortable. "Um... that I made an attempt, and my current physical state."

"If they ask how you did it?"

I let out a sigh and pointed to a book.  Dr. Green grabbed it, confused. "The top right metal corner can be removed with enough force.  You can deduce the rest from there.  Yes, you may tell them."

When he spoke after examining the book, he was calm, "I will be taking this book then." Well, I knew that was going to happen.  "Anything else?"

"Tell Will anything he wants to know and anything you think would be beneficial for him to know.  He can filter out the details to share with the rest of our friends."  The next conversation with Will was probably going to be a lot, and the less explaining he had to do, the better.

"Got it, I'll go work on that.  I'll send a nurse in.  If you need anything, tell them."

"Okay,"  A nurse I had only interacted with when they tried to sedate me came into my room, and sat quietly, not trying to force conversation. I went and collapsed on my bed, tempted to scream into my pillow.  What fresh new hell was this?

Notes:

How is everyone going to react to Nico's attempt?

Suicidal thoughts are confusing and not always completely resolute one way or the other. I tried to capture that here.

Summary: Nico has therapy. The night prior, he pulled out his feeding tube and IV. Dr. Green discusses with him the reason why. Nico fills out a depression screening test and marks that he has had suicidal thoughts. Dr. Green found out that Nico had made a suicide attempt this morning and tried to hide it. He has been put on 24 hr survelance for 3 days. Dr. Green is going to inform his support people of his attempt.

Chapter 104: A Run Down with Dr. Green

Notes:

Heads up guys, the story is going to be dark for a while.

TW: description of suicidal injuries

"You need to get to the hospital, it's Nico. I'll explain on the way."  Kyle said, and I was immediately awake and out of bed.

"Out," I said, shoving Kyle out the door of my room.  I dressed in record time.  We were leaving for the hospital in less than 5 minutes.  

I was worried about Nico, and it was locking up my voice.  We were about halfway to the hospital when I managed to speak, "What happened?"

Kyle looked grim and gestured to a bench, "You should sit."  Oh no, whatever it was was bad.  Was Nico dead?  Certainly, if that was the case, Kyle would have told me in the apartment.  Kyle started speaking, quieting my racing thoughts,  "First things, first, the damage was relatively minor considering the circumstances." I could see Kyle tightening his jaw and deliberately closing his eyes for a full second before continuing, "He is recovering, conscious, and talking."

"What the hell, Kyle!?  That is how you start out, telling someone their family was in an accident."  Nico was on a secure psychiatric floor in the hospital. How bad could it be?

He seemed not to be bothered by my outburst.  He took a deep breath and continued.  "This morning, Nico tried to commit suicide."

I heard a ringing in my ears, and everything faded out.  The world started to tilt.  I didn't even notice my hyperventilating until Kyle put his hands on my shoulders.  I could read his lips saying, "Breath."  Once my breathing was under control, I could hear again.  "He's recovering, conscious, and talking." He repeated.  "We are going to the hospital.  Once you talk to Dr. Green, you can see Nico."

"Yeah, okay,"  My words sounded hollow.  We stood and continued to walk to the hospital, much slower this time.  I need time to process.  What could have happened?  Nico had never been suicidal, to my knowledge.  Was he just good at hiding it?

"We are meeting Percy and Jason at the hospital.  Hazel was informed of the situation, but couldn't leave her quest.  Under normal circumstances, she would have rushed to Nico's side, forsaking the quest, but this quest is apparently to stop an attack on New Rome.  With Nico in the psych ward, he is rather defenseless, so she refuses to allow New Rome to be attacked." Kyle said as we were walking.

"How did you find out?  Was I the last to know?" I said, a little hurt.

"Yes, you were the last to know, sorry.  Dr. Green contacted Hazel, then Percy, then Jason, then me.  I worked at New Rome's medical center for a while.  The order of contact for an incident is spouse, parents, siblings, children, legion and ex-legion members in order of seniority, and then civilians.  You were next on his list.  I told him not to contact you, and I would inform you."

"Did he give you any details?" I asked, desperate for information.

"All he was permitted to say was that Nico made an attempt by cutting the crook of his elbow and forearm.  He is in okay physical shape and should have no lasting damage besides a scar."  Kyle supplied.

"How did he get something sharp enough to do that?" I asked, flabbergasted.

"Metal corner of a book.  It's no longer there.  Dr. Green said he was permitted to tell you anything you like and would like you to come to his fourth-floor office before seeing Nico."

"Okay," I said, trying to steel myself for a guaranteed upsetting conversation.

When we got to the hospital, Jason and Percy were sitting outside.  They immediately hugged me.  For the first time today, I let myself break down.  They steered me over to a bench and let me cry.  Kyle and Jason had their arms around me.  I heard the other sniffling, so I wasn't alone in my feelings.  No one said anything.  We all knew he was alive, but the weight of what could have happened was heavy.

After a while, I pulled myself together.  I could have another breakdown later, and probably would, but now there were things to deal with.  I looked at everyone else, and they seemed to have a similar idea.

"Okay.  We need some ground rules for today about what topics to avoid and what to say.  I think I relate to this situation the most and have some insight into how he may be feeling," That was uncomfortable to say, "but if any of you have any thoughts on the matter or how to handle today, I'm all ears." I said, trying to take charge of the situation.

Percy looked visibly uncomfortable.  Jason was looking at him with raised eyebrows and said, "It's Nico, man.  He's family."

Percy's lips formed a straight line before he sighed, letting go of the tension in his body, then said, "Will, you are not the only one to directly relate."

My mind was instantly reeling.  Did Percy just mean what I think he means?  He attempted suicide?  We were at camp at the same time as one another.  As head medic, I was generally informed of all major medical incidents.  It must not have happened at camp.  Did Nico know?  "I don't want to pry.  Are you comfortable sharing any details?" I asked cautiously.  I knew how sensitive this could be. 

"Short version,  Jason and I were in battle on the quest of the 7.  I threw myself into poison and stopped trying to save myself.  Jason, save me.  Did I mention we were underwater in the sea? Superman here had to save me underwater." Jason stroked Percy's arm, comforting.  "We briefly talked about it when we got back to the surface, but I don't think either one of us truly grasped what I had tried to do there.  My therapist was the one who had to put words to what happened.  Jason and I had a pretty extensive talk after that.  Dad knows since it happened in his domain, and Annabeth knows. They are the only other people who know."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You know, life of a demigod," He said rather depressed.

"Any insight you can provide would be invaluable," I said, trying to project validation.  He wasn't alone.  "I think it would be a good idea to go gather information before any of us visit.  I'll go talk to Dr. Green.  Even though I won't share details to protect Nico's privacy, it may give us insight as to topics to avoid or things we should say."

"That's a great idea," Percy said.

I left them and went to Dr. Green's office.  I knocked on the door frame.

"Hello, come on in." Dr. Green said, motioning to a chair.  "Nico specifically asked that I share anything you want to know and anything that I think you should know."

"Okay,  can I have the context for what happened?" I asked nervously.

"You are aware he has a feeding tube and IV glucose?" Dr. Green asked.

"Yes,"

"He has reacted... poorly to it.  It breaks his feeling of control that his anorexia gives him.  He feels a lot of negative emotions without it.  Yesterday, he pulled out his IV and feeding tube and violently resisted them being put back.  He was restrained by staff, sedated, and soft-cuffed so that they could be put back safely.  Since the risk was high, he would pull it out the moment he came to; he was soft-cuffed for the night.  Those cuffs were removed this morning.  Based on Nico's description of events, shortly after being uncuffed, he took a metal book corner and made a relatively deep cut in the crook of his elbow and part of his forearm.  He said immediately after the cut, he came back to his senses and tried to cover up what he had done.  During an inspection of his room, we found the waste bin filled with bloody paper towels."

"Cut or cuts?"  This conversation was already making me nauseous.

"Singular," He responded.

"How long?" I asked, sad.

He started flipping through a file, "The cut wasn't straight, but it was about 9 in. long."

"How deep?" I asked, overwhelmed and not understanding how this could have happened.  I mean, he told me, but my head couldn't get wrapped around the idea of Nico hurting himself.

He sighed, "The cut was messy and brutal.  It needed 29 stitches.  I'm surprised he was acting so normal with how much blood I imagined he lost and how much pain his arm must have been in.  I can let you read the injury report, but I don't recommend it.  You might find it rather upsetting.  Fortunately, he managed to miss all of the major vessels and currently doesn't show any signs of nerve damage.

I took a deep breath and let it out.  "That bad, huh?" I said in shock.  I could feel my emotions trying to shut down to protect me.  I pushed back, forcing myself to feel every gut-wrenching emotion, because if I shut down, I knew I was setting myself up for a dangerous situation when I was alone.  Because I knew the negative emotions would turn on first, and with how bad today was, it was a recipe for disaster.

Dr. Green rubbed his eyes in a way that looked like he had been reading too long.  He then responded to my rhetorical question, "Even before Nico said that the injury was from a suicide attempt, I strongly suspected it was.  While non-suicidal self-injuries can be quite deep and life-threatening, Nico has no history of that.  The first-time display of that behavior is frequently far less extreme.

Nico says he snapped out of it after making the cut, which makes it sound like it was a few seconds of extremely poor judgment.  Based on my years of experience with these things and the nature of the injury, I don't imagine that was what happened.  I completely believe it is what he remembered, but if we saw footage of the incident, I doubt it would play out as he remembered.  The piece of metal he used was sharp enough to cut, but dull enough that it would take a while to make the kind of injury that Nico now has.  He would have been in severe pain the entire time he was causing the injury.  Now, extreme emotional pain can mask physical pain for a time and can make things that take a long time feel like seconds, and seconds feel like an eternity."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked.  This was honestly more detail than I wanted to know.

"Nico specifically asked that I tell you anything that I think would be beneficial for you to know.  The reason I explained the likely true time frame of his attempt is that he will probably try to minimize the amount of suicidal ideation he was and is experiencing or the seriousness of his attempt.  He, I imagine, is well aware of how uncomfortable suicide makes people or the way society looks upon it.   He may do his best to minimize what was done to try to make everything more palatable.  There was probably a lot of time between the start of that cut and the time he started to try to stop the bleeding.  It was a serious attempt not to be taken lightly.  This is speculation.  I could be wrong, but I thought you should know my professional opinion.  I have yet to discuss his feelings about the attempt with him.  He wasn't up to it today."

"Um, thank you," I said, starting to tear up.

"I know this is upsetting, but there is more to discuss.  Nico did finally say he has anorexia." I raised my eyebrows, feeling some of my desire to cry recede.  "I don't want to get your hopes up for a quick recovery, though.  He currently has no desire to treat it." I felt my hope dissolve.

"In your opinion, what do you think the likelihood of another attempt is?" I asked, just feeling crushed.

"You're a medic.  I'm sure you are aware of the statistics surrounding repeat attempts.  That all being said, every case is different.  I have yet to discuss with him his feelings about his attempt, the exact reasons, and the emotions that feed into his actions.  In the session today, while he said he had been experiencing suicidal ideation, he indicated that he didn't desire to die.  While I understand that may not make sense-"

"No, I understand.  I get that suicidal thoughts are complicated and very rarely straightforward."

Dr. Green paused and had a look of understanding. "I imagine you do." He looked sad, but then moved on.  "There is one thing that I found encouraging about today. He was truthful.  Sure, he didn't bring the injury forward when he should have, but when directly asked if he had taken action against him, he told the truth.  He shut down and avoided the question for a bit, but I don't believe he lied once in that session. 

As we were going down this line of questions, I could tell by the expression on his face that he knew telling the truth was going to keep leading to more and more uncomfortable questions.  He had plenty of opportunities to tell an easy lie to stop them.

Now, I don't know if his honesty is from a desire to get better, a distaste for lying in general, or simply not wanting to lie in therapy, but it will make it easier to treat him if he keeps behaving in this manner."

"He sure wasn't honest with me after Christmas when we talked about his eating disorder that he 100% denied," I said with a little irritation.  

"We talked about that in therapy, and I may have some insight for you.  When you two fought, he was living somewhere between slight denial and the smallest acceptance that there could be a problem.  When asked why he couldn't at least tell you that things weren't going well, he admitted that if he told you it would make it real, and he wasn't ready for that."  That clicked like a light bulb, and lessened the anger substantially.  He's sick, and I pushed.  That's on me.

"Is there anything we should do or avoid while interacting with Nico for the near future?" I asked, at this point, exhausted.

"Good question.  Don't tell him you're disappointed or that his attempt was selfish.  Please do your best to give him unconditional support, and remind him that he has people who care.  If he doesn't want to talk about something, don't push.  Also, avoid talking about or drawing any attention to his IV and feeding tube.  That's all my advice."

"Is there anything else I need to know?"

"I think I covered everything." He said.  Then I stood to leave.  When I walked out the door, Jason, Percy, and Kyle weren't far away.

"So?" Jason said.

"I need a minute.  Can we move this conversation to the cafeteria?"  I needed some time and space to breathe.

"Sure," Percy said.

We walked quietly to the cafeteria.  No one got any food.  Kyle was the one to break the silence.  "What can you share?"

I sighed, exhausted, but knew today was far from over. "He told me about the nature of the cut that Nico made.  It was only one, and it didn't do any permeate structural damage.  That being said, the cut was quite extensive.  I'm not going to go into all of the reasons Dr. Green gave, but Nico might try to minimize his attempt or how much suicidal ideation he is experiencing, or how serious his attempt was.  In Dr. Green's professional opinion, based on current information, it was a very serious attempt and not a moment of horrid judgment.  This being said, he hasn't talked to Nico about his feelings about the attempt, so he is working with limited information. 

I asked what we should say and avoid while talking to Nico.  He said not to convey disappointment or say things like his attempt was selfish.  If something comes up that he doesn't seem to want to talk about, drop it.  Don't draw attention or talk about his IV and feeding tube.  Convey unconditional support and remind him that we care.  I don't really have to add to that list.  Do any of you? Percy?"

"Don't treat him as if he is broken or fragile.  It's fine to say he needs help or is sick, but don't make him feel like less of a capable person for it.  When I told Jason and Annie about what my therapist said about my situation, I was terrified they wouldn't look at me the same.  Annie and Jason handled it great, but I still don't know what other people would say if they found out." He said, looking at the table.

"Hey, we all love you.  I'm glad you're doing better." Kyle said, putting a comforting hand on Percy's shoulder.

"I certainly don't think any less of you for it," I said confidently, knowing this is what he needed to hear.

Percy slightly smiled.  "Thank you."

"Did you ever get around to talking to your dad about it?"  Jason said curiously.

"Story for another time," Percy said, dismissing the topic.

Jason turned his attention to me, "You're closest to Nico.  How do you want to handle this?"

"I'll visit Nico first.  After we talk, I'll ask if he is okay seeing you guys.  If he is, I'll ask if he wants to see you all together or if he would find that overwhelming."

They all agreed.

Notes:

So, how do you think this conversation is going to go?

Summary: Kyle tells Will that Nico attempted suicide. They meet up with Percy and Jason at the hospital. Will talks to Dr. Gree about Nico's mental state.

Chapter 105: Discomfort All Around

Notes:

Alright, I'm posting a day early because tomorrow may be busy.

TW: Discussion of Suicide

Walking down the hall to Nico's room, I was tense.  That evaporated the moment I saw him sitting in his bed reading.  He looked paler than usual, and half of his left arm was bandaged.  I knocked on the door frame so as not to startle him.

"Will!" He said when he saw me.  I immediately walked over and hugged him fiercely.  As much as I had told myself that I should break down on my own time, I couldn't help crying.  I could hear Nico crying too, so maybe this was what we both needed.  The hug didn't break for quite some time. 

I use the part of my arm that crossed his to do a vital check for my own peace of mind.  His health had improved in some areas.  He was still malnourished, but better than the last time I checked.  His heart, while damaged, was improving.  I could feel all the damage his attempt did to his body.  His blood volume was right above the line for a transfusion.  Dr. Green was right about the likely blood loss.  The cut, my gods, it was worse than what Dr. Green had described.  It certainly wasn't a quick cut from the jaggedness and turns of the cut.  He must have been in so much pain.  The realization brought with it more sobs.

"Hey, I'm sorry.  I'm here.  I'm alright." Nico said, rubbing circles on my back.  After a minute, I broke away. 

There was a nurse in the corner that I hadn't noticed when I came in.  She spoke, "As long as you're in here, I'll move my chair into the hallway to give you two some privacy.  The door stays open, and I must be able to see Mr. di Angelo at all times. "

"Thanks," Nico said, messing with the sheets.

"What's that about?" I said, confused.

"72 hours of supervision," He replied emotionless.

"Oh, I forgot." Wow, did I feel stupid. I sat down in the chair beside his bed.

"Will, I want to apologize for lashing out.  It wasn't fair to you." He said, looking contrite.

"I shouldn't have pushed you so hard when you clearly weren't ready.  Truce?"

Nico smiled, "Truce."  The smile faded quickly in the face of the circumstances.  After 10 seconds of uncomfortable silence, Nico asked nervously, "What did Dr. Green tell you?"

"Circumstances and events surrounding your suicide attempt." Nico flinched. "His professional opinion, based on the nature of your injury, as to the state of your mind.  You admitted to having anorexia but have no desire to treat it, among other things."

Starting to play with the sheets again, Nico asked, "Do you have any questions?"

"Is there anything you want to tell me or want me to know?" I asked.

"No, I don't want to talk about this morning." He replied with a grimace.

"Sure," I said.

"Really? You're not going to press." He asked, surprised.

"No, why would I?  You didn't."  There would be time to talk about it later, when his emotions weren't as raw, if he wanted to.  As long as he talked about it in therapy, he didn't need to talk to me about it, though I wish he would.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked almost desperately.

"No! Why would I be?" I asked, a little confused.

"I'm a hypocrite.  I gave you so much flak for your cutting and drug addiction, and I go and do this." He said, looking down in shame.

"I would never, never get mad at you for this.  Your sick.  You need help." I said compassionately.

"Thank you.  We should discuss all this, just later.  How have you been since I last saw you?" He said, unknowingly asking a loaded question.

This was so not the time, but when really was the time to tell your boyfriend you bought drugs? Regardless of my reasoning, if I didn't say it right now and he found out from someone else, I would be in trouble.

"Didn't do anything important on Sunday." Breathe. "I bought drugs on Monday morning from an acquaintance of mine.  Later, I was in the bathroom at my apartment, deciding whether to cut or not, when Kyle, I guess, suspected something was wrong.  He checked on me.  When I told him I was fine, he obviously caught the lie and gave me 15 seconds to leave the bathroom.  He asked to check my wrists, sides. and bracelet.  My wrists and sides had no new marks, but the bracelet was orange and silver.  He flushed the drugs and took me to a meeting." Nico changed position to be sitting cross-legged in bed.  "It didn't help much.  I confided in Kyle that I didn't think I'd still be sober in a week and asked for help."

Nico closed his eyes and rubbed both temples.  He looked like he was trying to get rid of a headache.  I continued, "Kyle informed Jason of the situation and made plans to go with me to my therapy appointment on Tuesday to create a plan to help.  When I tried to leave the apartment to do something reckless, he wouldn't let me leave without him.  He stopped me from going into a bar, not buying my any excuses."

"Does this story get worse?" He asked, strained.  

I didn't like that I was upsetting him.  "Depends on your definition of 'worse'?  I did say some things in the therapy session with Kyle and Jason that I imagine are upsetting."

He sighed.  "Fine, continue."

"The next morning, Kyle, Jason, and I went to my therapy appointment with Travis.  Travis asked about how I felt about the previous day's events and if I wanted to stay sober." I paused to gather my thoughts.

"The answers?" Nico asked, clearly experiencing a headache, but looking at me.

No point in backing out of this conversation now. "I'm sorry I got caught. 90% I want to use, and 10% I want to stay sober."

Nico diverted his gaze in favor of rubbing his temples. "Go on,"

"I agreed to a plan I'm not crazy about, but it should keep me sober."

"Details, please," Nico groaned.

"Therapy three times a week. NA three times a week.  Kyle or Jason will make sure I go to both.  Kyle gets to check my bracelet every morning.  Weapons were moved to the kitchen for my safety.  My door stays open in the apartment.  Time limits on being in the bathroom.  No locked doors.  This jade bracelet makes it so that I can't move more than 200 ft. from someone with a corresponding bracelet or a stationary disk that I can't touch.  I surrendered my wallet to Kyle."

"Extensive," Nico commented. "Sounds like you're handling it," He sighed.  "Normally, I would ask what led to this, but I just can't today.  We're good. I'm not mad, just not today." He leaned his head back on the propped-up bed and closed his eyes.  "I feel like crap."

Initially, I was tempted to say it was because of his current poor physical health, but I stopped myself.  "Do you want me to go?  Kyle, Jason, and Percy want to talk to you, but I can tell them to come back another time."

"I'm really tired, but I would like to see them for at least a little bit.  I'm sure I scared them."  He said, looking embarrassed.

"Individually or as a group?"

"Group.  Are you going to come back with them?" He asked.

"No, I have to make an IM to Travis about moving my therapy time today."

We hugged, exchanged I love yous, and I left.  I told Kyle, Percy, and Jason to go in while I waited outside the ward.  I was surprised when 15 minutes later, Percy, Jason, and Kyle came out looking shaken.  There was some blood on Jason's hand, and Kyle's full body was trembling, the typical second symptom of his panic attacks, or more rarely, the first symptom of a PTSD attack.  I triaged the situation of the three distressed demigods.  Percy showed no signs of injury.  The blood on Jason wasn't his.  That made Kyle the priority. 

I push past Percy and Jason quickly and put one hand firmly on Kyle's shoulder and the other on his wrist so I could get a vital reading to have a better idea of what was going on.  His pulse was sky high.  "Where are you?" I asked, trying to figure out what I was dealing with here.

"Basement," Oh no, that was the location of his worst PTSD flashbacks.  I slowly guided Kyle to a seat.  I was racking my brain for the right response.  At home, I knew what to do.  Kyle had a box of stuff that helped. 

"Percy," I said, still keeping my eyes on Kyle.  "Go to the fourth floor, Pyscharity offices, room 480, and find Dr. Claudia Smith.  If you find her, tell her where we are and that Kyle James is having a PTSD episode.  If you can't find her, come back and we will create another plan.  Leave slowly, no sudden movements."

I addressed Kyle, "Kyle, you're at the hospital.  You just visited Nico.  We are outside the medical psych ward.  You are not in the basement.  Your mother is far away, and her boyfriend is gone.  You escaped and joined the legion.  Try to take a slow breath."  I tried every grounding technique I could think of.  I tried telling him what he was seeing wasn't real.  Nothing was working.  Fortunately, Percy found Dr. Smith.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. "I'll take it from here," she said.

Percy, Jason, and I moved away as Dr. Smith helped Kyle.

"Guys, what happened?" I said, shaken up from Kyle's flashback.

Percy scratched the back of his neck.  "I'm not sure myself.  Everything seemed fine when we got in there.  The nurse came in and changed Nico's IV and feed bag, and he seemed more antsy.  A few minutes later, he was having a panic attack and had ripped out his IV.  He had his feeding tube half out by the time his nurse came in.  The nurse asked us to leave."

"Okay, that explains Kyle's flashback," I said.

"What was that about anyway?" Jason asked.

"You can ask him later, but he probably won't tell you.  It was a super messed-up situation."  It was one of the most horrifying things I had ever heard.

"Is he going to be okay?" Percy asked.

"Now that Dr. Smith is here, I would imagine so.  I'll stay with him.  You guys can go if you want."

"You sure?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, see you later."

Notes:

If you didn't catch it, two more works were added to this series this week!

Summary: Will Talks to Nico, and Kyle has a panic attack

Chapter 106: Does It Help?

Summary:

Summary at the end.

Notes:

Not sure why, but edits to this chapter took forever.

TW: Self-harm and suicidal thoughts

After my therapy appointment with Travis and Kyle's emergency appointment with Dr. Smith, we walked home in silence.  Once we got home, we both retreated to our respective rooms.

An hour later, I was lying on my bed trying to read a book when Kyle walked in and lay next to me.  He didn't say anything, so I kept reading, doing my best to move my thoughts away from Nico's actions this morning, but not succeeding.  Nico was clearly in massive trouble, and I didn't know how to help.  How did things go south so quickly?  I know it didn't happen overnight.  This had been going on for weeks, but still, how did things deteriorate so fast?  I had only found out a week ago.  What if... No.  Travis said not to do that.  It would only upset me, and it wouldn't help anything.

Kyle interrupted my thoughts, "Does it help?"

"Does what help?" I asked distracted, trying to refocus on my book and not Nico.

"Cutting?" Kyle asked, casually, as if he hadn't just asked an extremely concerning question.

It was like all of the gears in my head ground to a halt.  I slowly closed my book and sat up, looking at Kyle.  He had my full attention now.  There were only two reasons I could imagine asking that question.  The first was to gain more understanding of why I used it as a coping mechanism, and Kyle understood plenty.  There had been many conversations when I was in the psych ward about why we chose the coping mechanism we had.  That left the second and more likely reason.  He was considering it.

"Why are you asking?" I said, stalling.  This entire conversation was already leaving me mentally shaken.

"No reason," He said too casually again.

"Even I can tell that is a lie," I responded uncomfortably.

He sighed and covered his face with his arms.  "Today sucked, and I'm not getting what I want out of my eating disorder."  Okay.  Out of all the things Kyle had ever said, this was about a 10/10 on the concern scale.  "So, does it help?"

"What are you trying to get out of your eating disorder?" I was still stalling.

"Control.  I purged dinner, and it didn't give me any feeling of control.  It made everything seem more chaotic.  So?" Kyle said, moving his arms to look up at me.

I paused, then sighed, "No.  It's like a drug addiction.  You do it and feel better for a minute, maybe an hour.  Then the high wears off, and everything you were trying to escape crashes down on you, plus the shame that you just hurt yourself.  The shame and guilt push you to cut again to escape it.  Every time you cut, it gets less effective, so you cut more to get the same effect.  Eventually, you feel like you need it to function, so no, it doesn't help."

Kyle smirked.  "Then do you want to give back the dagger you took from the kitchen?"  He asked, sitting up with his hand stretched out.

The switch in demeanor made my brain glitch.  It took me a few seconds to catch up to how Kyle had manipulated me.  I narrowed my eyes.  "Now that was a dirty trick," I said as I grabbed the dagger from my bedside drawer and handed it over.

"Thank you," Kyle said in a sing-song voice.

As Kyle got up to leave, I grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Was that all only a ploy to get me to give up the dagger without a fight, or did you really purge dinner and were considering cutting?"

Kyle froze for a second before saying, "Bye, Will," as he broke my hold and rushed out the door.

"Kyle! Kyle!" I yelled, trying to get him to come back, but he didn't.  If he didn't want to talk about it, I was going to give him space.  We could talk about it later if it seemed necessary.

I didn't realize my error until 15 minutes later when I went to the kitchen for a glass of water.  As I filled up my glass, I looked to my left at the wall of weaponry in our kitchen.  Kyle hadn't replaced the dagger.  My insides turned.  No, he wouldn't.  It must just have slipped his mind.  I should check on him anyway.

I walked into the hallway off the kitchen where Kyle's room was.  The door was closed.  Now I was concerned.  I knocked on his door and spoke, removing all concern from my voice, "Open door policy applies to both of us.  Open up."

Nothing.  I try the handle.  It's locked.  Okay, that concern moved up to worried.

Five seconds later, I bang on his door.  It was definitely loud enough to wake him up if he fell asleep.  "Open up, Kyle!"

Nothing.

After five more seconds of intense worry, I yelled while banging on the door, "Kyle, you have three seconds to open this door or I swear I will break it down!  One... Two..." Then I heard a soft click.  I waited a second before trying the door; it opened.  Inside the room was dark, and Kyle was curled up in a ball on his bed.  I walked over to his bed and saw the dagger on the nightstand.  It seemed best to put that away immediately.

I grabbed the dagger and walked it back to the kitchen.  It was only in the brighter space that I noticed the blood on the blade that hadn't been there when it left my room. I let out a frustrated and sad sigh.  So this is what the other side of this feels like.  I cleaned the blade and hung it back on the wall before returning to Kyle.

He was still in the same position as when I left.  I rested my hand on his wrist to check his physical well-being.  I had some guesses about his mental well-being, but we could get to that later.

His body showed all the signs of someone who had recently vomited.  I could see he was hungry, had a mild fever from some illness that was mostly gone, some vitamin deficiencies, low blood pressure, and a slightly high pulse.  After searching for a few seconds, I found what I was looking for, a small patch of crisscrossing cuts that could best be described as scratches on his ankle.  Having full confirmation of what I had suspected knocked the air out of me.

I removed my hand and tried to form a coherent thought.  "Kyle, I'll be back in a minute," I managed to say.

I went to my bathroom and splashed water on my face.  There was a reason that after I got better, I always had someone else treat self-harm injuries.  It was extremely triggering, and after today, it was one of the last things I needed.  Kyle needed help, though, and there was zero chance that I was going to let this slide.  Maybe if I had help, this wouldn't be as bad.

That left the question of who to call.  I needed someone who knew about my self-harm issues and Kyle's ED.  That way, there would be a lot less to explain.  It would be ideal if they knew what happened today, so that wouldn't have to be explained either.  Nico deserved to be able to control who knew about his attempt.  I wouldn't betray Nico's privacy to help Kyle if it weren't necessary.  That left Percy and Jason, but they probably had their own shit going on after today.  There had to be someone else who could help.  Kayla, Austin, and Gracie fit half of the criteria.   Nico wouldn't be necessarily happy about them knowing without his consent, but he would understand given the circumstances.  Kayla and Austin were in New York, so they were out.  I knew Gracie could handle it, but I would prefer not to involve her.  Who else?... Dad.

He said to pray if I needed help.  This definitely qualified as needing help.  Dad, I need help at our apartment.  It's Kyle.  I hope that worked.  I'd wait three minutes, then I would figure out a plan B.  Turns out I didn't need to wait, because almost immediately there was a knock at the door.

I opened the door to dad, looking concerned.  As he came in, I asked, "Are you up to speed, or do I need to fill you in?"

"I'm aware of Nico's suicide attempt and Kyle's panic attack at the hospital.  Is there more?"  I went on to explain the events of the last hour.

"Good job realizing you needed help with this.  I'm proud of you," He said approvingly.  "I will be back shortly."  Then he disappeared.  I almost didn't have time to wonder where he had gone, because he then appeared with Mr. D.

"Mr. D?" I said, confused.

He completely ignored me, typical.  "Let's get this over with,"  He said dully to Apollo.  They walked over to Kyle's door and looked in.  After a minute, they both stepped back into the living room.  Mr. D looked at me, then handed two pieces of paper over to Apollo.  "You owe me two favors."  He said before disappearing.

Apollo stood reading one of the papers, looking more grim by the moment.  After he was done, I asked, "What was that about?"

"Mental health is more of a shared domain between Dionysus and me.  We both have different abilities in this realm.  I wanted his evaluation of Kyle's mental state."

"And?"  I said, concerned.

"It's nothing that isn't manageable," Apollo said vaguely, putting the papers away.  "Now, do you want me to handle this alone, or do you want to help?  No pressure either way."

"I'll help."  Was that a good idea?  I didn't know.

We both walked into Kyle's room.  Apollo and I sat beside Kyle on his bed.  Apollo rubbed Kyle's arm to get his attention.  "Can you roll over, so I can bandage your ankle?"

"Dad?" He said, confused as he sat up.

"Will called me."  A moment later, Apollo was bandaging Kyle's ankle.  Kyle's expression chilled me, because it was an expression I had seen on my face a few times.  It was a vacant, dull expression of someone who had, at least temporarily, given up even trying to cope.  That look was dangerous and scared the shit out of me.

It didn't take long for Apollo to finish dealing with Kyle's cuts.  I was glad that I wasn't the person to do that.  That would have sent me over the edge.

"Kyle, go and wait at the table for us to make you dinner."

Kyle curled back up into a ball, facing away from us. "No, thank you.  I've had dinner, and I'm not hungry."

"First, eating dinner and purging doesn't count, and second, I can tell you are physically hungry.  Here is the way this is going to go, kid.  You are going to wait while we make dinner, and you will eat some of it.  Then we are going to talk about today and your concerning behavior." He said firmly.

"And if I say no?" Kyle asked dully, not bothering to face us.

"I'm admitting you to the Mental Health Facility for a 72-hour hold." He said calmly.

Kyle snapped up.  "On what grounds?!?"

A very thick hospital policy booklet appeared in Apollo's hands.  He handed it to Kyle, "If you read the policy on 72-hour Involuntary Admittance on page 45, I believe I have grounds on subsections e and most certainly f.  I also have an analysis of your current mental state by Dionysus, and the results could be submitted as strong evidence for admittance."  Apollo brought out one of the papers that Mr. D had given him.  "Here is his report if you want to argue any points in it," He said, handing it over to Kyle.

Reasons for 72-Hour Involuntary Admittance

a.  Suicide attempt, no exceptions.

b.  Belief by a health care professional (or personal testimony) that the person is a danger to themselves or others.

c.  Rapid negative mental health changes that follow a previously documented pattern that lead to the harm of the person or others in the past.

d.  Recent behavior that demonstrates a rapid escalating decline in mental health that has led to a situation where the person can no longer care for themselves.

e.  Demonstrated behavior that shows the person is not making decisions in their own physical best interest.  This does not apply to the refusal of care for terminal illnesses.

f.  Directed by a god. (The person may immediately appeal to the Medical Judgement Board.  The board has one business hour to review the situation and confirm or deny the admittance.)

Kyle read the policy book first, mumbling as he read, "Reasons for 72 hr... danger... documented... decline... decisions... interest... directed... god..." He paused for a moment before saying, "I see."  He then picked up the report from Mr. D.  He continued to mumble, but this time a little clearer, "Current mental stability is low.  Low temporary ability to think through consequences.  High risk of destructive behaviors.  Varying levels of dissociation.  Little interest in personal positive activities.  High levels of stress.  High levels of empathy.  High emotional intelligence.  Low levels of self-preservation.  Medium levels of depression and anxiety.  Constant low-grade fear.  Several overlapping mental disorders- bulimia, body dismorfic disorder, OCD (intrusive thoughts), PTSD, and anorexic tendencies.  Warning signs for generalized anxiety disorder.  Evidence of psychological torture."  He just stared at the paper in his hands for a while.  When he spoke again, it was at full volume, "This is... extensive."

"He may act like a uncaring ass at times, but he doesn't mess around when it comes to his domains,"  Dad said.  "So what's it going to be, dinner and talking so we can create the best response to this evening, or going straight to the most extreme option?"

"Uh... dinner," He said, still staring at the report from Mr. D.

"Good," Apollo said as he looked around the room.  He walked over to the bookshelf and confidently picked up and opened a book.  The book was hollowed out and contained a medicine bottle.  Dad took it out and handed it to me. "Get rid of this.  I'll ensure the doctor is investigated."

I looked down at the bottle I was handed.  It was prescription-strength ipecac with Kyle's name on it.  "Excuse me," I said as I left the room to flush the meds.  In my bathroom, I was shaking with rage.  How could a doctor have been so stupid!?  When I left the bathroom, Apollo was cooking, and Kyle was sitting in the living room.  I went to join dad in the kitchen.

"Dad, not that I'm not grateful you're here, but normally you need to leave after 20 minutes because someone gets a little pissy.  What's up?"

Apollo smiled, "There was a fun council meeting this morning.  Word about Nico's suicide attempt traveled quickly through Olympus." He was going to love that. "At the end of the meeting, Zeus told Hades that he had been spending too much time with Nico as it was, and he couldn't go see him in the hospital.  That went over like a lead balloon.  The council room became cold and dark.  I believe Hades said, 'My son tried to commit suicide. I will visit him as much as I damn well please to ensure his well-being.  If you have a problem with that, we are going to war, and I don't think you have the support to win.  Little brother, how confident are you?'  It was honestly terrifying.

After a brief silent standoff, Zeus cited ancient laws.  Hades had a lot to say about that.  He called them ridiculous and demanded change.  There was a lot of grumbling on Zeus's part, but looking at his brothers, it was obvious Poseidon would side with Hades if it came to it.  That pairing is everything Zeus fears.  He said he would change the rule, and the council was dismissed."

"So, we can see you more?" I asked hopefully.

"Not all the time, but hopefully more in person." He said with a smile.

Kyle ate dinner in silence, and then we moved to the living room.  Kyle started talking about what set him off today, and I apologized before excusing myself to my room.  I could feel myself crashing, and I couldn't possibly be helpful in this state.

I just wanted to shut the door and cry.  Therapy earlier had been spent mostly in silence, because I was too shocked to say anything.  I'm sure Travis said something besides 'what ifs aren't helpful,' but I couldn't pay attention.  I nearly lost Nico, and since the adrenaline of the day had finally passed, that was hitting full force now.

Dr. Green had described Nioc's injury, but it did not prepare me to feel it with my vitakenissis.  I knew Dr. Green said he was trying to kill himself, but there was a difference between being told and seeing the reality.

Soon, I was having a panic attack.  All that was going through my head was Nico's and Kyle's injuries.  The last thing I had left that I cared about was my friend's well-being, and I couldn't even protect that.  What use was I?  What value did I have?  If I were miserable, but at least could protect my friends, my life would have some sort of meaning.  If I couldn't do that, what was the point in suffering?  Nothing was getting better.

I took a deep breath.  The panic attack was starting to slow.  It was just a bad day, a really bad day.  Tomorrow would be better.  Well, probably not, but someday.  Maybe?

Looking to the future and seeing it never getting better, a major warning sign for...  Safety plan.  I got out my journal to look at it.  I decided listening to music was the only thing I was capable of, so I got out my iPod and attempted to listen.  It did little to settle my mind.  When I tried to draw, the only thing my mind's eye could see was injuries and people I couldn't save.  I was starting to worry because I knew the longer my mind stayed in that state, the worse off I would be.  I went through all of the coping mechanisms twice.  It wasn't helping enough.  Was I not trying hard enough?

I started to panic and paced my room.  I knew my safety plan had other steps besides distraction techniques and coping mechanisms, but they all involved other people.  There was enough drama in the apartment tonight.  Kyle needed help more than me, so I needed to tough it out.  When I had had enough, I went to the kitchen to get a drink of water, so I could discreetly grab a dagger.

My mind was loud as I stared at the dagger I placed on my bed.  Cut, I don't care anymore.  So why am I bothering to resist?  If I started, could I stop?  Did I want to stop?  This sounds like a great way to land myself back in the psych ward.  Come on, I gave Kyle the whole speech about why cutting doesn't help..., and he ignored me.  Did it seem like he was doing better after he cut?  No, but we are different people.  So, it's a big enough problem to call dad when he does it, but it's fine for me? Yes. Okay, No.  If I did this, how far was I going to go? A few numbing cuts, till I couldn't feel anything, till I passed out, till...?  I didn't want to finish that thought.

Suddenly, I was hearing my own words from the NA meeting two days ago, 'I'm proud of you for using your emergency options.  When I should have, I didn't.  I'm not sure I will ever stop regretting not calling someone.'

Those few statements brought me back just enough.  I sat down on the floor at the end of my bed, turning my back on the dagger.  I had lost track of how many self-harming and suicidal thoughts I had had in the last 20 minutes.  I was supposed to do something.  I did my best to fight the fog in my head and come up with options.  My dad was in the other room.  I could ask him for help.  I could IM Jason.  There was a phone in my nightstand bought for just this purpose.

If I asked for help, everyone was going to make a big deal out of this and want to talk about it.  There was no reason I couldn't do this on my own.  Kyle needed dad's attention more than I did at the moment.  It's 11 at night.  Jason is probably asleep.  911 and 988 are for real emergencies.  I was just being dramatic.  Calm down.  The thought 'I'm not sure I will ever stop regretting not calling someone' came back.  If this ball started rolling again, could I stop it?

I was frozen on the floor, gritting my teeth.  I was resisting the urge to turn around and grab the dagger, but only just.  I was also ignoring the cries in my head that said to go get help.  Things would be easier if-shut up.  Get dad.  Shut up.  The psychiatrist will never find the right med combination.  Shut up.  You didn't notice Nico was sick.  It's your fault.  Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

I felt myself start to slip into a flashback.  I was struggling to stay present.  I didn't have it in me to relive Tartarus or my siblings dying.  Despite my best efforts, I was reliving the night Ceicle died.

I'm not sure how long I was lost in the memory, but when I came back to the present, I was holding a dagger precariously over my wrist.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't walk away, and I couldn't go through with it.  If I started, I didn't know where I would stop, if I'd stop.  I didn't have control of this situation, and it was obvious.  This is why you ask for help before it gets this bad, dumbass.

I pushed in slightly with the dagger, and all of my thoughts turned to white noise.  All that was going through my mind was abstract emotions, panic, fear, relief, sadness, shame, and longing.  Nothing was going to get better.  This was the answer.  I pressed further and saw red seep around the blade. 

Notes:

Cliff hanger! I know, I know! So, what do you think is going to happen with Will?

Summary: Kyle and Will go back to their apartments. Kyle asked Will if cutting really helps, and tried it himself even after Will said it didn't help. Will prays to Apollo for help dealing with Kyle. Will was knocked off balance by the entire thing and started to cut his arm.

Chapter 107: One Hell of a Gamble

Summary:

Summary at the end.

Notes:

Hey guys, happy 4th! I tried posting early, but the site being down got in my way. So a few hours early it is.

TW: Suicidal thoughts. Seriously, things are getting dark.

Holy shit. DAD!

I heard someone come into the room quickly.  I didn't see them because I could only focus on the dagger.

Apollo moved into my line of sight, sitting on the bed. "Will, I need you to hand over the dagger.  You've already done the hard part and got help.  Just hand it over," He said very calmly.

Why did I involve anyone else? This was my problem, and I was handling it.  Was I?  Now he was going to stop me.  Isn't that what I wanted?  I just invited a conversation I was in no way, shape, or form ready for, and I couldn't run away because of the stupid jade bracelet.  Of all the people I could have called, why did I call Dad?  The one person who has shown he is perfectly capable of committing me for the behaviors I just exhibited. 

"Will, come on," He said pleadingly.

I had to let go of the dagger now.  My grip only tightened.  I could feel the panic attack and complete mental breakdown building. I pressed in harder.

"Will! Snap out of it!" I heard Apollo say almost frantically.

I heard a snap, then another.  Then I heard a voice that sounded like Percy.  "What the..."  Then there was a pause.  In a very quiet voice, he asked, "Apollo, what is going on here?"  Percy moved into my line of sight.

"He prayed to me.  I rushed in, and he won't hand over the dagger.  The only thing he has done since I got in here is press it in deeper.  I'm not even sure he can hear us.  Help seemed like a good idea," He said worriedly.

"Can't you make the dagger disappear?" Percy asked, concerned.

"Tried.  He grabbed Kyle's enchanted dagger, which cannot be removed from the wielder except voluntarily."

Percy groaned.  "Why is a dagger like that in this apartment?"  Percy took a breath and addressed me in a voice one would use for a frightened animal, "Will, it's going to be okay, buddy.  We can sort this out.  You just need to hand over the dagger."  Some desperation and frustration had leaked into his voice as he continued, "Fuck, I know this seems like the answer, but it’s not.”

I hadn't noticed that I was crying until I felt the tears hit my arm.  I was in so much trouble.  It was all I could do not to press the blade in deeper.  My vitaknessi started calculating how much blood I was losing.  It wasn't a worrying amount, yet.  I had a while before that happened.  The depth of the cut wasn't a problem, yet.  I really should stop. 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and startled. "Easy. Will, can you give me a sign that you can hear us?" Apollo said.  I managed to move my head a fraction of an inch.  It was apparently enough.

"Good," Percy said.  "Can you hand one of us the dagger?"

I should. I knew I should, but it felt physically impossible to move that arm.  I was paralyzed by fear.  Once I gave over the dagger, they would want answers, answers I wasn't even sure I had.  I shook my head slightly.

I saw Percy and Apollo exchange glances in my peripheral vision.  "I'm going to move your arm, okay?  I don't want to startle you.  I'm not going to make any sudden moves," Apollo said as he slowly and gently grabbed the wrist of the arm holding the dagger.  Once he had my wrist, I could feel his grip was like iron, and there was no getting free of it.  He slowly moved my arm so the dagger was no longer cutting into my wrist.  The cut was bleeding more freely now, but still not a high priority.  My hand was holding the blade like it was the only thing keeping my sanity.  "Drop the blade," He coaxed.

I needed to let it go.  No matter how awful the coming conversation would be, it wouldn't be made easier by holding on to the dagger.  It took Herculean effort to relax my hand so the dagger would fall to the bed.  Percy quickly grabbed it and left.  Apollo pulled me onto his lap, hugging me.  "Kid, it's going to be okay."

I started sobbing, and I'm not sure how long it took me to calm down.  At some point, Percy came back.  They both sat calmly as I eventually tried to regain my composure.  Apollo moved me off his lap so he could properly look at me before speaking, "Can I treat your arm?"

"Yes," I whispered, ashamed of dragging Apollo and Percy into my mess.  I held out my wrist while avoiding looking at it.  Apollo didn't take more than 5 minutes to bandage the wound.  Things were a little better with the evidence of my desperation covered.

While looking extremely understanding, Percy said, "We need to talk about what just happened."

Even though I knew it was a pointless endeavor, I tried to get out of the conversation. "I just want to go to sleep.  We don't have to talk about anything.  I'm sorry I bothered either of you.  I should have been able to handle it."

Apollo sat there for a moment with eyebrows raised before saying, "You did exactly what you were supposed to do in that situation and called for help.  You aren't alone in this.  You don't have to handle every temptation alone.  I'm glad you called, and we do have to talk about this."

"Will, you should never have to tough it out alone, especially when things get as bad as they did tonight.  You didn't bother us."  Percy said.

"So, talk," Dad said.

I didn't want to start this conversation.  The best-case scenario would be my friends and family worrying more.  The worst-case scenario would be going back to the psych ward.  I can't describe how much I didn't want that to happen.  Nothing was going to be helped by delaying the inevitable. "What do you want to know?" I asked, defeated.

"What led up to what I walked in on?"  Apollo asked.

"I felt both Nico's and Kyle's injuries with my vitakensis.  My friend's well-being was the last thing I actually cared about.  I couldn't protect them, which made me feel worthless and pointless.  I couldn't see things ever getting better.  I tried to deal with things healthily, I did, it just didn't work."  Should I hold back about how dark my thoughts became?  We were going to get there eventually, may as well get it over with. "I was battling a lot of self-harm and suicidal ideation, and triggered a flashback with my distress.  When I got out of the flashback, I was holding the dagger to my skin.  I felt frozen.  I couldn't drop the dagger, and I couldn't cut.  That lasted for a while.  Eventually, the thoughts were getting so loud that I couldn't resist anymore. I pressed in, and my thoughts hushed.  When I saw blood, I snapped out of it and prayed for help because it was the only thing I could do."

"Okay, what exactly did I walk in on?"  Apollo asked.

"I was cutting myself with a dagger.  I thought that was obvious." I deadpanned.

Apollo rolled his eyes at the sarcasm.  "Was I walking in on an episode of self-harm or the beginning of a suicide attempt?"  How was I supposed to respond to the question when I didn't know the answer?

As if sensing my discomfort, Percy wrapped his arm around me.  "I know how much this sucks, but we just want to help."

"I don't know," I answered, defeated.

Percy looked like he was about to challenge my answer when Apollo cut him off, "What do you mean exactly?"

"I wasn't sure if I started when I would stop, if I could stop, or if I wanted to stop.  Since I don't remember picking up the dagger, I don't know what the initial goal was.  After I started pressing down, I don't think I was thinking anything clearly."

"Are you still feeling suicidal?" Apollo asked.

"Maybe?" I said with a shrug.

Precy chimed in, "My therapist said that question only has two answers, yes or no.  If it's not no, it's yes."

Uneasily, I said, "Well, I guess that is a yes then."

"I'm sorry, Will, for making you uncomfortable, but there are more questions I need the answers to," Dad said with a true look of contrition.  "Would it be easier to write or talk?"

I immediately responded, "Write."  Suddenly, there was a form in my hands.  Before answering, I read over the questions.  "Shit, dad, really?  C-SSRS screening?"

He gave a half smile.  "Good job recognizing it.  I was unaware you had ever had reason to run across one."  The smile disappeared as he continued, "Can you blame me?  I came in here as you were hurting yourself, and you don't even know if that was an attempt.  I need more information about your suicidal ideation and its intensity so that we can get you the right help."

"I'm not going back to the psych ward.  That is not happening." I said adamantly.

Percy tried to de-escalate the conversation.  "No one is saying you are.  I've filled out one of these before.  I know having someone think this is neccessary is a shit feeling, but it's there to help, okay?"

This was not in my plans for today.  Really, nothing that happened today was in my plans.

"You're not okay.  We need to figure out how to get you the right kind of help."  Apollo said.

"And what kind of help are you considering?" I asked warily.

"Inpatient and outpatient programs, 72-hour hold, or discussing further steps with Travis."

My brain froze on the inpatient program part. I started hyperventilating.  Shit, shit, shit.  I shouldn't have involved Dad.  I was afraid this would happen.  I couldn't do another stay in the psych ward.

"Whoa, breathe, Will.  Apollo, could you step out?" Percy asked. 

There was some quick, hushed conversation between the two, then Apollo said, "Yeah, I'll come back in ten minutes."  Then he left.

Turning back to me, Percy said, "Now, Will, why are you panicking?" 

"I can't go back to the psych ward," I said between gulps of air, forcing myself to calm down.  Panicking wouldn't help anything.

"Even if it saves your life?"  

I just stared at him.  "This is an overreaction," I insisted.

"Fill out the form, and then we'll talk."  After I finished the form, Percy read it with an impressive poker face before calling Apollo back in.

Percy handed over the form to Apollo.  The more Apollo read, the more grim he looked.  "Here is your mental evaluation from Dyionsis.  When I arrived, you didn't seem 100% either, so I had him do one on you as well."  Reading it was not fun.  Kyle was right about Dionysus's evaluation being extensive.  I absent-mindedly handed the report to Percy as Apollo continued to talk.  "With those two data points plus whatever we interrupted earlier, what is your medical opinion for treatment?  Also, know that your suicidal ideation score statistically says you are 13 times more likely to commit suicide."

Well, fuck.  Reviewing the matter, both reports plus self-injury with unknown intent, the standard of care was a 72-hour hold.  If I could see the writing on the wall, Apollo must have come to that conclusion long ago.  I couldn't voice my conclusion, so instead I voiced my objection, "Sure, I've thought about suicide, obviously, but that doesn't mean I need to be institutionalized!  I can manage."

"What I walked in on earlier was not managing," Apollo stated flatly.

"I got you, didn't I?"  I protested, but it even sounded weak to me.

"And we still had to physically stop you," He responded.

"Will, not even you're sure that you would have stopped.  This kind of thinking doesn't just go away.  It builds unless you deal with it.  I'm sure if I had taken one of those screenings in the days before my attempts, it wouldn't have looked much different." Percy said understandingly.

All thoughts in my brain ceased.  "Attempts, purl?" I asked, startled.  Apollo grimaced but didn't seem surprised.

"I had a bad year.  It's a long story.  The important thing is I got help," Percy said, not giving much away, feeling-wise.  I saw Percy and Dad exchange a look of understanding.

"It's not like I'm ignoring the problem.  I have therapy tomorrow!" I insisted.

Apollo put his hand on my knee in a comforting gesture before saying, "I think you have passed the point where outpatient treatment is enough right now.  Letting you continue like this without serious intervention is a risk I'm not willing to take."

"Everything okay here?" Kyle said, walking in, rubbing his eyes, looking like he just woke up from sleep.  "Percy?  What are you doing here?  It's like 1 in the morning," He said while yawning.

Percy got up from the bed and took Kyle's shoulder and steered him out of the room while saying, "Let's talk in the hall."

"Will, I think a 72-hour hold is necessary, and if you were being objective, you would too," Apollo stated as if there was no room to argue.  I need to find room.

"I'm not going back to the psych ward.  I can't," I protested.

"Two solid reasons why?" He responded.

"I can't give any support to Nico if I'm in the psych ward myself.  I can't lose another semester to drugs or mental health issues.  I've had enough of that place for a lifetime.  People are just going to think I'm seeking attention.  It's not necessary!"  I exclaimed.

"First, Nico, I imagine, would have already dragged you to the hospital by now.  Second, you aren't going to lose the semester because of 3 days in the hospital.  You have weeks before the next semester starts.  Third, I'm aware of how sick of the place you are, but that doesn't mean it isn't needed.  Fourth, no one is going to think you are looking for attention, and we can keep the knowledge limited to us, Kyle, Nico, and Percy.  Fifth, it is very much necessary."

Nico suddenly appeared in an IM looking pissed.  "Nico, it's 1:30 in the morning. Is everything okay?" I asked, concerned, wondering if there was an emergency I missed.

"No, everything is not okay!  I saw your death aura waiver a while ago and dismissed it like an idiot.  Kyle and Percy IMed me, worried, and informed me of what has been going on in the last few hours.  They also say that you are refusing help.  Why?" 

The two informants came back into the room looking as if they had done nothing wrong.  I glared at them.  "Percy, Kyle, why did you call Nico?" I asked, frustrated.

Percy shrugged.  "We weren't getting through.  I figured that if anyone had a chance, it was him." He said.

Nico got my attention again, "I want an answer."

"I don't want to go back to the psych ward."

"You think I want to be here?  While I vehemently disagree about being hospitalized because of my," He made a very visible grimace. "Eating disorder, after this morning, I can't argue about its necessity."

"I'm fine.  I can tough this out without having to go to the hospital."

"Some lines, when crossed, lose you the ability to make decisions for yourself.  Your actions crossed a line earlier."

"You're one to talk.  I didn't try to commit suicide," I retorted.  Okay, that might have been a low blow.

It didn't even seem like the comment bothered him.  "I'm going to dismiss that comment for what it was, which is lashing out.  At this point, I'll be the first to tell you I should be here.  Are you confident, really confident, that you didn't try to commit suicide earlier?  Percy said that you didn't know exactly what you were doing, and didn't know where you would stop if you started.  Hell, if I did that alone, you would be dragging me to the hospital no matter what I said.  That plus the mental evaluation and suicide risk assessment you filled out creates an air-tight case for admittance with or without your consent." He then focused on Apollo.  "Trying to convince him is just a courtesy at this point, right?"

"Yeah. The only points that I'm willing to debate are where and for how long," He said calmly as if talking about the weather.

"Dad!" I exclaimed.

He turned serious.  "No.  I'm done trying to get you to corporate.  You called for help.  I'm giving you that.  Now, I can find you somewhere else besides New Rome if that's the problem, but you're going." 

"If you make me, I won't do anything besides sit on my bed till the 72 hours are up.  I may as well do that here."  I was ready to make any excuse at this point.

"I can have you held for more than 72 hours.  You know that, right?" He challenged.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You wouldn't."

Responding in kind, he said, "I would."

"Will, take the damn help.  You're not thinking clearly.  If both Apollo and Kyle say there is cause, you should trust their opinion," Nico said.

"Like you trusted their opinions about your eating disorder," I shot back.

Nico looked like I had struck him, but he was not deterred.  "Yes, I know.  I'm a rotten example, but we are not talking about me right now.  We are talking about you and your frankly dangerous mental health situation.  Percy told me what Mr. D's report said.  It paints a very dark and scary picture.  So help me, Hades, if you refuse help and commit suicide, I will bother and berate your ghost for as long as I hold the title Ghost King," He said with a scowl.  He took a deep breath and calmed down. "Now, I don't want you to misunderstand me.  I'm not mad about you for cutting earlier or struggling.  That would be insanely hypocritical.  I am also extremely proud that you called your dad for help.  If the situation were reversed and I were in your position, what would you want me to do?"

I wasn't going to lie.  "Get help," I said between gritted teeth.

"Then why aren't you?" He asked lovingly.

The question and tone pushed me a bit too far, and I snapped, "Because I don't deserve it!"  I saw his eyes widen in shock.

Apollo's POV:

That was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever heard.

Will slashed through the IM before practically yelling, "Everyone get out! I'm going to sleep."  

I was about to protest when I sensed Will's plague powers building.  Since he rarely practiced with them, his control was minimal at best, and I wasn't sure he could stop from accidentally giving his friends a pretty severe case of hay fever or worse.  I decided to take charge of the situation. "Percy, Kyle, let's talk in the hall.  Now," I said urgently.

Fortunately, the kids followed my lead, albeit confused.

"We are just going to leave him?  I thought you were taking him to the hospital, no matter what.  He can't be left alone!" Kyle said incredulously.

"I have part of my consciousness watching him, and I will go back in there in a minute.  I won't leave all night.  We will talk to him tomorrow morning when he wakes up.  I'll take him to get help no matter what."

Percy seemed to sense he was missing something.  His eyes narrowed.  "You rushed us out of there fast.  Why?"

"There was a strong possibility that if Will got any more upset, you two were going to get quite the infection."

He sighed.  "Thanks for that, then," Percy said.

"Percy, you are welcome to sleep on the couch or in my bed.  It's plenty big enough to share." Kyle said, turning towards his room, yawning.

Percy seemed a little more awake than Kyle.  He said, "Kyle, I'll take you up on your offer, after I IM Nico first and calm him down.  I imagine his panic levels are off the charts."

"Thanks for the help, Percy.  I could send you home if you prefer," I said.

"Nah, I'm not leaving till I know that Will is going to be okay," He said as he walked to the kitchen to IM Nico.

When I went back to Will's room, he was openly hostile. "Thanks for your help earlier.  I'm fine now.  You can go," he said while getting into bed.

"Not going to happen.  You can sleep, but I'm staying here the whole time.  We will talk in the morning."  I told him, sitting on the side of the bed he wasn't using.

"Fine," He gritted out.

---6 hrs later-----

When Will awoke, after getting his bearings, he went to the kitchen to eat.  I kept an eye on him while doing my best not to crowd him.  I internally sighed when I saw him sneak a dagger up his sleeve when he went to the pantry.  Once he finished with breakfast, he said irritably, "I'm going to take a shower.  Can you leave?"

Not confronting Will about the dagger was one hell of a gamble, but if my plan worked, he would be better off for it. "I'll be right outside the door, and I'm aware of the 15-minute time limit."

"Fine," He said angrily. 

5 minutes later, Kyle and Percy came in.  "Where is Will?? Is he okay?" Percy asked, panicked.

"He is faking taking a shower, so he can have a staring contest with a dagger," I responded, with most of my attention being centered on Will.

"What?!?  Why haven't you taken it away from him?" Kyle asked, marching toward the bathroom door.

"Wait." Kyle stopped. "I'm making a slightly risky gamble doing this, but I have a reason.  The two most likely scenarios are: 1. He tries to hurt himself, and I stop him.  In that case, I'm taking him directly to the hospital regardless of protest.  2.  Staring at a dagger makes him realize how much trouble he is in, and he gets help willingly."

Kyle sighed, and he and Percy sat next to me, leaning back against the wall, and we waited.  It was excruciating.  Will was staring at the dagger sitting on the counter.  He had already reached for it 3 times.  I wasn't sure my gamble would pay off.  We were approaching the ten-minute mark, and he seemed no closer to a decision.

"How is he doing?" Kyle asked, breaking the tense silence.

"Could go either way," I replied monotonously.

It reached the 15-minute mark.  "Do we tell him his time is up?"  I asked Kyle.

"I think letting this play out is probably what's best for him.  Since you have an eye on things, we can step in if we need to."  He responded tensely.

After another 10 minutes, I was starting to wonder if immortals could die from stress, because mine was off the charts.  Watching Will wrestle with his safety was extremely distressing.

At the 29-minute mark, Will grabbed the dagger.  I let out a disappointed sigh and stood up.  Will didn't seem in a rush, so I took 5 seconds to mentally prepare to commit my son against his will, no matter what he said.  1. I had to do this. 2. I had no desire to do this. 3.  If I wanted to help him, there was no other option. 4. No matter what he said, I was going through with this. 5. I love my kid.  I reached for the door knob, and when my hand almost touched it Will dropped the dagger in the sink.  I stopped and stepped away from the door.

"What happened?" Percy asked as he watched me move away from the door.

"He grabbed the dagger but dropped it as I reached for the door."

I sat back down, wondering how long it was going to take for Will to come to a decision.  The silence was heavy as the three of us sat against the wall.  Will was sitting on the floor crying now, and it was taking everything in me not to open the door and comfort him.  I needed to keep reminding myself that if this worked, he would be so much better off for it.  A few minutes later, Will stood up and gripped the counter with both hands like his life depended on it and resumed staring at the dagger.  Watching this, I felt like I was going to be sick.  Kyle and Percy didn't look like they were doing much better, and they weren't having to watch.

If I hadn't been waiting and hoping for it, I would have missed it.  I was one of the quietest prayers I ever heard.  Dad, I'm sorry.  Oh, no. That sounded far too much like goodbye.  I was on my feet in an instant, hand hovering just over the door knob.  I unlocked the door, hoping it wouldn't startle Will.  He hadn't moved from gripping the counter and hadn't grabbed the dagger yet.  This was his last chance.  The second he even twitched towards the dagger, I would have to open the door.  'Come on, Will, save yourself! I know you can,' was my internal plea.  He could do this.  I know he could.  All he needed to do was ask for help.  I'm sure it felt like a monumental task for him at the moment.  5 seconds, 10 seconds, 15 seconds.  He let go of the counter and turned off the shower.  I let out a sigh of relief.  Maybe this was coming to an end.  That feeling didn't last long when I heard, 'I'm done. I'm so fucking done.'

 

Notes:

I know! Two weeks in a row, I leave you on a cliffhanger! So, what is Will going to do? Is he beyond help?

Different sites about C-SSRS screening

https://cssrs.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/C-SSRS_Pediatric-SLC_11.14.16.pdf
https://dphhs.mt.gov/assets/suicideprevention/basicscoringguideforclinicians.pdf
https://www.cms.gov/files/document/cssrs-intensity-subscale-instrument.pdf

Summary: Will prays for Apollo's help while he is cutting his forearm. Apollo can't get him to stop, so he teleports Percy to Will's room. Apollo eventually gets him to stop. When asked, Will isn't sure that cutting was a relapse into self-harm or the start of a suicide attempt. Kyle comes to Will's room, confused as to why Percy was there. They all try to convince Will to get help, but are getting nowhere. Kyle and Percy IM Nico since Will won't listen to them. While talking to Nico, Will keeps trying to turn things back on him, but Nico won't let him. Will ends the IM by saying he doesn't deserve help. In his frustration, he comes close to giving Percy and Kyle hay fever.

Will sleeps with Apollo watching him. The next morning, Will takes a dagger into the bathroom with him and fakes taking a shower. Apollo is watching him, and Will doesn't know it. He spends quite a while deciding if he is going to use the dagger. The chapter ends with Will praying, 'I'm done. I'm fucking done.'

Chapter 108: Mercy's Home

Summary:

Summary at the end.

Notes:

Hey guys, I have another busy week, so you get an early post.

TW: Suicidal ideation, like seriously it's bad and a lot.

He was going to kill himself.  I was 100% positive.  Instead of opening the door immediately, I froze.  I couldn't process hearing Will, the child who could light up the room and save the day without breaking a sweat, give up.  That freeze would haunt my nightmares for centuries.

Somehow, despite what he had prayed, Will walked out of the bathroom unharmed.  He pushed past me and collapsed on his bed, burying his head in a pillow.  I don't think Will realized he was still praying and that I could hear him, because his prayer was dark.

Why did I leave that bathroom?  There was a perfectly good dagger right there.  Even if I didn't use the dagger, there were pills or... I forced myself to listen to him in detail, list 7 other ways he could kill himself without leaving the apartment.  I wanted to be sick.  This was the rant of someone who was committed to the end.  This had passed ideation.  This was planning.

I'm going to be berated for the next 1,000 years by Nico for this; at least I could give him the chance to have a life with someone better.  He at least deserves a note.

No, just no. He wasn't this far gone.  He couldn't be.  Oh gods, he was.  I then heard Will pray a prayer in a way I had only heard the dying pray.  While I in no way deserve it, could you save me? I am farther gone than I have ever been.  I don't think I can save myself this time.  Will was absolutely sobbing into his pillow.  He was using the last ounce of hope he had to beg me to save him.

"I'm here for you.  I'll get you help.  You do deserve it." I said while rubbing my hand up and down his back.

Will didn't seem up to talking, so he prayed as a response.  You could just kill me.  That may be easier on everyone.

"I would never, and you could never make me," I responded. 

Kyle and Percy moved over to the bed, sitting in silent support. Dad, is it as bad as I think?  Kyle prayed.  I pushed the answer into his mind. Probably worse.  I could see the tears forming in his eyes. Pack him a bag.  He is past the point of being able to handle this outside a psychiatric facility.  Kyle got up and did just that.

"Hey Will, can you sit up, so we can talk about this?" I asked gently. I think Will may have temporarily let me into his whole mind out of despair because I saw flashes of more possible suicides.  I was working really hard not to lose the breakfast I made a little while ago.  I then heard a deliberate prayer from Will. No.

"Will, you are going to the Mental Health Facility or a psychiatric facility 2 hours from here, which is run by a few of Dionysis's kids.  Either way, I'm binding all of your powers except healing.  I can't risk you somehow getting past the wards either facility has and using them to inflict damage on you or someone else.  Your mental state is way past compromised."  He was scaring the Hades out of me, and I wouldn't be taking any unnecessary risks.  "Where do you want to go, kid?"

After a while, Will sat up and looked at us.  "Not New Rome," He said, looking like he had already died.

Kyle and Percy both gave Will a tight hug.  "Get better, please," Kyle said.  Quickly followed by Percy saying, "It's going to get better.  This is far from the end."

"Let's go," I said as I grabbed Will's hand and transported us to the psychiatric facility.  Will didn't even resist going inside.

Will's POV:

A kind-looking receptionist greeted us and ushered us outside.  The reason became obvious when she began to speak.  "Lord Apollo, it is a pleasure to see you again.  We are currently treating 5 mortals and have 2 on staff.  It seemed best to talk outside to avoid being overheard.  Normally, you message first before showing up."

"Well, I didn't want to delay coming.  It was quite urgent." He said in a no-nonsense manner.

She then turned to me, "Hi, I'm Kai.  Since you arrived with Lord Apollo, I imagine you are a demigod or legacy."

"Uh, yeah. I'm Will.  Apollo's my dad," I said hesitantly.

She gestured over to a seating area on the porch of the log-cabin-looking building, and we all sat down.  "Will, are you at all familiar with our facility?"

"No," I said numbly.  Was this even worth trying?

"Okay, then you get the full spiel," She said cheerily. "Okay.  This place is called Mercy's home.  It is set on 10 acres, which you are allowed to explore freely unless you are being watched for safety reasons.  Staff live on-site in the cabin across the way.  There is security at the door to prevent patients from entering, but you can request to see your therapist at any time, and they will be notified.  We treat up to 10 patients at a time.  We will take on extras if there is a demigod who can't go somewhere else in an emergency.

This place is extremely private.  We don't advertise.  In the moral world, we are known as a discrete psychiatric facility for the extremely wealthy.  We aren't a fan of not being able to offer our services to everyone, but that's the best way of keeping our main objective.  While Lords Apollo and Dionysus assisted in the creation of this place, they do not contribute to its ongoing function.  That's where the rich mortals come into play.  Our primary objective is to help demigods for free.  None of us can stand to see our own community suffer.

Now on to the part that you get to know and the mortals do not.  This place is warded to the nines.  Unless there is a wildfire as a patient, you are spellbound to the property.  The mortals find they get distracted at the border's edge and forget they were trying to leave, sort of like a reverse Hogwarts situation.  You will find yourself unable to leave, but you will be able to tell why.  There are some restricted areas of the facility with key card access.  They are also enchanted in the same way.  Individual therapy rooms have a truth charm that affects both the patient and therapist, so it's impossible to lie.  It also applies to the interview room.  It does not affect the common areas, sleep rooms, or areas where group therapy takes place.  We understand it may be necessary to filter information or change minor details for mortal ears.

Other things to note, you have to attend group therapy, small group therapy, individual therapy, and one therapeutic activity each day.  You may have other restrictions based on your reason for admittance."

"Is there a consequence for breaking rules?" I wondered.

"Usually more therapy, but if it becomes clear that this isn't working out for you or the staff, we will find a facility that better supports your needs," She said professionally.  "Now, Lord Apollo, Will, I'm going to see if the therapist that will be assigned is free for an intake." She left us alone.

"I've seen a lot of successes come from this place.  I think it could help.  Was there a specific reason you didn't want to go to New Rome?"  Apollo asked.

"I don't want to see Nico.  If I want to get better, I can't do that with him around.  I have complicated feelings about his suicide attempt that I don't want to deal with right now.  Also, seeing his rapid mental health decline makes me feel guilty, like a shitty boyfriend, and an even worse medic.  Can you let him know where I am and that I'm alive?"  I didn't want to worry him more than I probably did.

"Sure, kid,"

Kai came back with Pollux. 

"Pollux?!" I said, surprised.

"Hey Will," He said with an easy smile.

"No one has heard from you in forever.  How are you?  Where have you been?" I said, interested.  I hadn't seen him since the Battle of Manhattan.

"After I left camp, I went to Columbia and got a master's in psychology.  After I graduated, Dad told me about this place and got me an interview.  I've been working here for 2 years." He said.

"Do you like it?" I asked.

"Yes, quite a lot actually."

"That's great." I was happy for him.

"So here is the deal, I'm the next therapist up for a new client.  Due to my friendship with Lee, Michael, and you, I would have a conflict of interest if I were to be your therapist.  We are friends, and I would like to leave it that way.  The real issue is I'm the only one with availability.  Some of my much older Roman siblings work on an as-needed basis.  We have made a call to Matthew Conner, and he should be here in 3 hours.  I also normally lead the group therapy.  While you are here, another therapist is going to take over that role.

Normally, your intake interview would take place with your assigned therapist.  We can either do everything but the interview and wait till he gets here, or I can have another staff member interview you."

"Let's wait on the interview," I said nervously.

Apollo's POV:

"Alright, Apollo, do you know enough about Will's situation to give a guide as to how thorough we should be in screening?"

"Treat him as an involuntary admit, extremely high suicide risk," I said.

Will started glaring at me. "I agreed to come here, didn't I?"  I noticed he did not argue the suicide risk part.

"Only after I gave you no choice.  You chose between here and the facility at New Rome, not between going and not," I insisted.  Will was still an incredibly high-risk patient and should be treated as such.

"You may have a point," He grumbled.

"I'll pass this along to the right people.  Here is the admission paperwork to fill out.  Will, your signature on the last page will cause all of the wards that apply to patients to apply to you.  When you sign the paperwork when you check out, it will remove the wards." Pollux said.

"Thanks for the warning," Will mumbled, looking none too happy.

"Bye, Lord Apollo, Will.  See you around." Pollux said as he went inside.

Will spent the next hour and a half reading paperwork.  It was extra thick because he was a demigod.  There were an extra 60 pages explaining the details of all the spellwork.  There were even more spells than Kai had listed earlier.  There were an extra 2 pages for Will to fill out about his heritage and powers.  There was also a data sheet on each demigod staff member outlining their specialties, jobs, and powers, if any.

He signed the paper and winced at the application of so many spells.  "Did I just gain 15 lbs?" He mildly laughed.

"That's just the spells taking hold.  The feeling will go away in about 5 minutes." I reassured him.

"Is all this necessary?" He asked.

"Is all what?" I asked, wondering what exactly he was referring to.

"Coming here.  Being committed again." He said dully.

"You should be fully aware that it is.  I heard your detailed plan for 7 different ways to commit suicide, and then later got flashes of other possible attempts.  You prayed and I quote, 'I'm done. I'm so fucking done.' after apologizing while staring at a dagger.  If you moved a centimeter towards that dagger again, I was coming in to stop you.  I was 100% sure you were going to do it.  Was there something else I should have taken from that?" I asked, trying to get my point across without making him feel bad.

Will just sat there staring at me for a while.  After a bit, I didn't think he was going to respond.  He then awkwardly fidgeted then looked at the floorboards of the patio.  "I was going to.  Hades, I'm still mentally there."

I had to swallow the vomit that flooded my mouth a few times.  I worked hard to blink back my tears and steady my voice.  This was about Will, not my feelings.  "What stopped you?" I had to ask.

"I know that Nico could call my ghost up from the Underworld and probably would, but he deserved a note or a proper goodbye of some sort.  I didn't have that for him yet."  Will didn't seem ashamed at the admission but did seem extremely uncomfortable.

Working extremely hard to hold my voice steady, I said, "Hopefully this place can help so you never feel the need to write that note."

Will looked up.  I must have been holding my emotions in worse than I thought because Will said, "I'm upsetting you.  I didn't mean to."

"If you were that committed to," Damn it was hard to say it. "Dying.  What made you ask for help?"

He looked back down.  "I hope that maybe some thought I was worth saving, even though I didn't.  I'm sorry; I just can't do it anymore.  I can't even make sense of why I'm still here.  I'm mentally dead already.  I'm done fighting.  Wouldn't it be more merciful to let me go?"

This time, I couldn't hold back and reached into the grass.  When I sat back down, Will was looking at me guiltily. "I'm sorry.  I'm upsetting you.  I'll be quiet now."

"No, if that's what it's like inside your head, I want to know.  I always want to know.  I'm only upset because you are so miserable that you can't see another solution."

A man came out and collected the paperwork, and looked over to see if it was properly initialed and signed.  Then he introduced himself, "My name is Marcus.  I'll be leading group therapy while you're here.  Now that the paperwork has been handled, we have to move on to the more invasive stuff, sorry."

"I saw Will tightly clutch the armrest of the chair he was sitting in.  He now looked visibly uncomfortable. "More invasive?" He said cautiously.

Marcus looked like he felt sorry for Will, "We will need to search you and your belongings for weapons, drugs, or anything that could be used to harm you or others.  We will need to do a baseline physical and skin check."  I should have warned Will that the intake here was much different than at New Rome.

Will paled, "Can you please explain those in more detail?"

"To search you, with the physician and one other person in the room, we will ask you to take off everything besides your underwear to confirm that you don't have anything on you that you shouldn't.  Your clothes and shoes will be searched at this time.  Then we will look over your skin and note any injuries or scars.  The skin check will have to be repeated at your weekly physicals until your therapist believes you are at a point in your recovery where you can be trusted to report injuries yourself.  You will then get dressed.  Then I believe the physical consisted of height, weight, checking the heart and lungs, and drawing blood for a CBC and drug panel.  We will then unpack your bag with you present to inspect to see if all items brought are allowed.  Questions?

"I'm not doing that!  No way.  Absolutely not!  I've been violated before and had to be strip-searched in prison.  Long story.  Those two things alone are enough nightmare fodder for a lifetime.  I can't.  I won't.  Death sounds preferable." Will exclaimed, looking frantic.

"Whoa, Will, let's slow down," I said, trying to calm him.  I turned to address Marcus.  "Is there anything we can do to make this easier on him?" Will was curled in a ball, hyperventilating. "Could you use his bracelet to check to see if he hurt himself? I made it myself.  Here is the overview." I said, handing him a paper. 

He read over it.  "Lord Apollo, could you give me a report of scars and other injuries, in case it is needed later?"  It didn't take long to create.  I handed it over.  "This is very helpful.  I believe this information is enough to skip the skin check, but the search will still be necessary.  We could let him change into a hospital gown and pat him down instead?"

"Not on your life!" Will said, panicked.

"Could I just use my powers to search him and his belongings, so he wouldn't have to get undressed at all?  I know what I'm looking for," I said, trying to help Will.

Marcus seemed to be giving it some thought: "I don't see why that can't work."

I saw Will immediately calming down from a panic attack. "Marcus, can you hand me his bag?"  I decided to search it first to give Will a few seconds to calm down.  "All clear, Kyle already pulled the strings out of your hoodies." 

Will looked much better now. "Will, can you stand up for me?" I ran a quick inventory of what was on his person: a long-sleeved shirt, pants, and a belt. "Will, you know belts aren't allowed."  I did my best not to directly tell him to take it off.  One panic attack was enough.  I continued my inventory: underwear, undershirt, left sock, left shoe, razor. "Give up the razor," I said sternly.  He took off his left shoe to reveal a pocket in the tongue and removed a razor, handing it over. I continued my search: right sock, right shoe, and pills.

"What the fuck Will?  Right shoe off, now!"  I said before I could stop myself.  Will looked a little bewildered but complied.  I immediately grabbed the shoe and looked in the same pocket that contained the razor in the left one.  I poured about 10 pills into my hand, oxycodone laced with fentanyl.  I was positively shaking with rage.  Will was staring at the pills with wide eyes.  "What the Hades Will?  You are just over 100 days clean.  Why do you have these, and when did you get them?  You are so lucky you didn't take them, they are laced with fentanyl!"

Will responded with his own rage.  "I have them because I wanted to use them!  I'm a fucking drug addict Dad.  I was apparently so high when I bought them that I forgot.  I spent an hour two nights ago trying to figure out how to get high.  If I knew they were there, don't you think I would have taken them by now!?  Is this truly the biggest concern you have with me at the moment?  You and I both know I would take every one of those pills right now, and it wouldn't be for the high!"

Perspective, right.  Will's words felt like cold ice water washing away my rage.  "You're right.  I'm sorry," I said with true contrition.  "I wasn't thinking."  I made the pills disappear and handed Will his shoe back.  "He's clean now,"  I said to Marcus.

"Good, Matthew should be here any minute.  Lord Apollo, would you please stick around until he arrives?  Since you are technically the admitting physician, it would be useful to get a report from you."

"Of course,"

Marcus left, and we were left in uncomfortable silence.  A few minutes later, Will said quietly, "I didn't know they were there, Dad."

"I know that now.  I shouldn't have lost it on you like that.  Also, I think you have earned the right to add the qualifier recovering to drug addict."

Will gave a half smile to that, "Thanks."

We then heard a car driving up the road.

Notes:

There isn't going to be an update on this story next Friday (7/18/25). Chapter 109 isn't coming along as smoothly as I would have hoped. I will be updating another story then. In two weeks, we will be back with Nico.

Summary: Will talks to Apollo and goes to Mercy's Home, a psychiatric facility 2 hours from New Rome. He is very suicidal. Also Pollux works at Mercy's home.

Chapter 109: To Nico From Apollo

Notes:

Hey guys, I hope you are having a wonderful day.

TW: calorie counting

Nico's POV:

I had a terrible night's sleep, and I woke up groggy and disoriented.   I ignored the nurse staring at me.  I was trying hard to forget about her having watched me in the bathroom.  It was so many levels of uncomfortable.  I was trying to surgically remove that memory from my brain.  On to what was guaranteed to be an awful day.  The first nightmare, breakfast.

Breakfast was made up of eggs, yogurt, an apple, and a meal replacement shake.  I still couldn't recall the calorie count on the meal replacement shakes, but I knew it was high.  The eggs looked to be 200 calories.  The apple was about 95 calories.  I doubted they gave us low-fat yogurt, so I estimated 200 calories.  I couldn't eat this.  I couldn't afford to... I then remembered the admission I made yesterday, 'I have anorexia.'  I suddenly could see it for myself.  It wasn't normal to think like this.  Regardless of whether it was normal or not, it was my reality. 

Knowing it wasn't normal didn't erase it.  I had to have the control.  I was stuck here with a feeding tube until I was deemed "better."  The only way to get back to my life, if I even want to do that, was to gain weight.  I could get some control by faking it, and then going back to my eating disorder when I got out.

Looking at the breakfast plate, it was disgusting.  I pick up my fork to try to eat some of the eggs.  They were at least high in protein, and weren't mostly made of sugar.  I took one bite, and another.  After 5 bites, I couldn't force myself to eat another.  My brain was screaming at me about how I was ruining everything.  Could I stand to give up control for as long as I would need to to become "healthy" before getting it back?  Would I even survive trying that?  By eating, I would be actively sabotaging myself.  Even temporarily giving up the last thing I controlled sent a cold chill through me and filled me with thoughts that made suicide appealing again.  The people here are going to get me killed.  If not by my own hand, it would be the monsters that would no doubt catch me because I was too fat and slow.

Shaking with anxiety, I left the cafeteria and went back to my room with the privacy-invading nurse behind me.  I noticed a piece of paper folded in thirds on my bed.  On the outside of the letter, there was a curvy script which read, 'To Nico From Apollo.'  Oh, this was bad.  I tried to take a deep breath.  Immediately, the IMs from the middle of the night flooded my head.  If Will were dead, Apollo would tell me in person, surely.  Okay.  I unfolded the letter with shaky hands.

We had a deal that I would tell you if Will was any true danger if I knew about it as your reward for saving my life.  I'm not sure what Kyle and Percy told you, so I'll give you the full story.  Last night, Will found out that one of his friends self-harmed for the first time.  That was the beginning of the end of his mental stability.  During a flashback, he picked up a dagger and proceeded to injure himself.  He prayed to me for help before he finished the first cut.  I got Percy as additional help for the situation, and we had to physically stop him from further harming himself.  It's unclear what his plan was with the dagger.

My hands were shaking so badly that I had to set the paper on the bed to be able to read it.  Breath.  It was just a setback.  He got himself help.  The physically stopping part was very concerning, though.

He nearly gave Percy and Kyle hay fever after he ended your IM.  They left, and I watched him sleep.  This morning, he took a dagger with him into the bathroom while he pretended to shower.  I was keeping an eye on him the entire time.  I'm not going to sugarcoat this.  He was going to commit suicide.  He told me later that the only reason he didn't try was that he didn't have a letter giving you a proper goodbye prepared.

I couldn't tell if I was about to have a panic attack or vomit, but air was only coming in gasps.

I took him to a discreet, privately run facility two hours away.  It's run by demigods and has a magical border.  He's safe there. 

How safe can he be if he wants to KILL HIMSELF?

When given a choice, he decided to go there rather than New Rome's hospital.  He said he didn't think he could get better while being around you. 

Ouch.  Did I disgust him that much? I imagine that feeling of disgust would only get worse after they forced me to gain weight.

After hearing him describe his insane guilt complex over the safety of his friends, I couldn't agree more. 

Maybe it's not about me?

He needs to deal with the issue without having to look you in the eye every day, because right now, all he can see is how he believes he failed you.  His self-worth is gone.  He can't experience happiness, and he doesn't see that ever changing.  I think it would be in his best interest if you waited for him to IM you first.  He is aware I'm sending you a letter, but not the contents exactly.  I did tell him I would ask for you to wait till he IMs you to talk, so he knows you aren't ignoring him.

While Will is very actively suicidal, he asked for help with probably the last scrape of hope he had left.  There is a way back from this, but it's going to be work.  

My heart was being pulled out of my chest.

I'm not sure how long he is going to be there.  Because of the near miss and many things he said, he is currently on an emergency 72-hour hold with a line-of-sight restriction. 

Oh lord, what did he say?

He is unable to leave until the emergency hold is lifted.  It may be extended past the 72-hour mark if the staff deems it necessary.  I'm unsure if Will will check himself out at the first opportunity, but I suspect not.  I'll let you know if he leaves the facility.

On to other matters, like your suicide attempt.  I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.  Those words are entirely inadequate to express how I feel.  I couldn't possibly be happier that you stopped yourself.  You are very much loved and wanted.  You don't need your eating disorder to survive.  I get that this whole getting-help thing was forced on you, but I'm happy you're there.  You can get better.  There are better ways to live.  If you need help, you can always ask me, but even I won't remove your feeding tube or IV.  You are going to have to live with it for now.

Regards, 

Apollo

I promptly vomited. 

Throwing up in the psych ward in front of a twitchy nurse while you're there for an eating disorder goes over well with the doctors and nurses.  Fun times.  When the third medical professional gave me a lecture about purging, I snapped.  "I'm here for anorexia, not bulimia!  I have one eating disorder; I don't need a second one to feel like I have control.  I threw up because I got a note from Apollo that my boyfriend came within an inch of killing himself!  If I get one more undeserved lecture about purging, I will transform my care Olympus Hospital in New York!  I have the fucking right."

While New Rome was very picky about where they allowed powered demigods to be transferred, Olympus Hospital was on the list.  It was a mortal hospital, so not ideal, but they had magic wards, and about 40% of the staff were in some way connected to the demigod world.  I landed there a few years ago when a quest went south, and I was all alone.  When you're going to die, a mortal hospital is better than nothing.  I didn't realize my luck until after I woke from surgery.

----

"I'm sorry for my colleagues.  I'm the only one on the floor who knows your full history.  Purging isn't your MO; stress vomiting is.  People see eating disorders and vomiting, and make assumptions.  I've decided to limit which staff members can interact with you to hopefully prevent any misunderstanding or general harassment in the future. 

While I was... reprimanding that doctor's behavior, he did pass along what you said.  Will tried to commit suicide again?" Dr. Green asked, concerned.

"He stopped himself, but just because he didn't have a suicide note already written.  He's in some remote psychiatric facility now.  He refused to go to New Rome because he doesn't think he can get better while being around me." I said bitterly.

"Ah, how do you feel about that and the close call?" He asked understandingly. 

"Like crap.  Is this my fault?  He seemed mostly on top of things before I wound up here."

"You and I both know suicide isn't ever about just one thing." He chastised.

I did know that.  While I could point to my eating disorder being taken away as the trigger for my attempt, it was really just the straw that broke the camel's back.  There was the quest where I fought Percy.  There was the quest where the kids died.  There was my boyfriend relapsing, getting raped, being falsely imprisoned, and getting beaten up for a choice I forced on him.  Dr. Green was right, it wasn't just any one thing.

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure, we should discuss yesterday?"

"Next topic, please."

"You know we have to talk about this soon, right?"

"Can we pick some other topic to talk about first?"

"Okay, how did breakfast go?" He inquired.

"I ate 5 bites of eggs." I shrugged.

Dr. Green looked pleased.  "That is an improvement! How do you feel about it?"

If I wanted my plan to work to get out of here, I should start now.  If I wanted this to work, I needed to lie to Dr. Green and anyone who visits.  I'll also need to lie to my friends and Will.  Wouldn't I just be doing what Will did to me to him?  This was going to be fucking exhausting.  Dr. Green was still looking at me for an answer.

"I can't do it.  I just can't." I said, exasperated.

Dr. Green, ever-patient, asked, "Can't do what?"

"I was going to fake getting better and lie to get out of here, so I could go back to my eating disorder.  I can't because I don't want to lie to everyone. Choking down those five bites was insanely difficult, and I couldn't take another bite.  I was only eating so I could do what I had to do to leave."

Dr. Green smirked, "That would have never worked."

"I'm curious.  Why?"  I asked, confused.

"You, personally, couldn't pull off that kind of deception on your friends and family."

"I kept my eating disorder a secret for weeks before it caught up to me.  Why wouldn't I be able to do that again?" I asked curiously.

"It was easier to keep it a secret when you were in denial about it.  It's not lying if you believe it.  From all my interactions with you, I can tell that you dislike lying in general.  You were angry at Will for deceiving you about his drug use for so long.  I don't see you being able to do the same to him.  Also, if you were going to lie to make your life easier, why wouldn't you have lied yesterday?  You're smart.  You knew the lies you would have to tell to keep your suicide attempt secret for a bit longer, but you didn't.  The fact that you confessed to trying to fake it before even trying to lie to me shows me you wouldn't.  So, do you want to move on to the topic of your suicide attempt, or do you want to talk about this more?"

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat.  "I guess we can move on,"

"So tell me about it," He said at ease.

"What do you want me to talk about?" I asked, completely uncomfortable.

"Let's just start with what you are comfortable discussing.  If I have more questions after you finish, I can ask them."

I tried taking deep breaths, but it didn't seem to help as much as I hoped.  I just started to feel my panic increase.

"Nico," Dr. Green said, getting my attention.  "Tell me just one thing.  The open-ended question was too much.  Let's just start with one thing."

"There are only two ways out of here: dying or getting 'better.' " I admitted.

The thought about that a bit before responding, "Hmm.  Death seemed to be the preferred option?"

"I at least know what happens after I die.  I return to my father's palace and continue my work as the Ghost King.  I'm not scared of dying."

"You are scared of getting better?" Dr. Green inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't know how to cope without my eating disorder.  If I did, do you think I would have resorted to this in the first place?  Objectively, I know that anorexia is a fucked up mental disorder that screws with everything, but I don't think I need to gain weight to be 'healthy.'  I like controlling what food I eat and how much of it."

"Nico, if you give me a chance, I can show you how to cope without your eating disorder.  You can develop better coping mechanisms.  If you know that anorexia messes with everything, couldn't it be messing with your views on what is healthy?"  He asked patiently.

Uncomfortably, I responded, "I suppose."

"In other sessions, you have mentioned your ability to read death auras.  Is that something you can view in yourself?"

"Yes."  I was not ready to confront this.

"What does your death aura say?"

I knew what it said a while ago, but I hadn't checked recently.  I wasn't excited to do so either.  It was the one metric of health that I was unable to argue with.  Taking a deep breath, I turned my powers inward.  Gods, how was it darker than last time?  I'm sure the suicide attempt didn't help anything but my gods.  I was dying, not today, not tomorrow, but soon.  This was worse than when I told Apollo Gracie was running out of time.  I'm dying.

"Can we possibly move on?"  I asked uncomfortably.

Fortunately, Dr. Green didn't push.  "Okay, how do you feel about your actions yesterday?"

"Guilty.  I get that what I did was from some seriously out-of-control depression, but that doesn't change that I did it.  It also doesn't make it okay.   I can't leave Hazel like that.  I'm her last remaining family member, and she is mine.  When Bianca died, I was all alone.  I don't want to do that to her.  That's not to mention the other people who would be upset if I died."

Dr. Green looked understanding.  "Any other feelings?"

"Shame."  I couldn't even look up from my hands.

"That isn't an uncommon reaction.  Is that something you can elaborate on?"

"I gave Will probably a painful amount of grief for using drugs, and I'm not sure I was always the most understanding with his self-harm.  Then I go and do the most self-destructive thing possible.  This wasn't just a small amount of hypocrisy.  If my IM with Will last night was any indication, he's keeping score."

"That statement isn't fair to either one of you.  You're both currently very sick.  Neither one of you is in their right mind.  In the future, you can use this experience to give others more compassion.  You can learn from it."

"I guess," I responded, not feeling any more convinced.

"In your opinion, do you think you still pose a risk to your own well-being?"

I'm not sure it was possible to feel any more uncomfortable with a question.  I stayed silent, squirming uncomfortably under his gaze.  We had played this game before.  He would ask an uncomfortable question and would allow the silence to extend till I answered, no matter how long.  I'd tried to wait him out before, but I always broke first.

"Breathe, Nico," Dr. Green said.  I hadn't even noticed I was falling into a panic attack till Dr. Green said something.

"I still want to die," I whispered.  I quickly started to try to explain myself, and somehow make it better, "Everything I said earlier is still true.  I don't want to leave Hazel alone.  I get that I have responsibilities to other people.  I hate being a hypocrite, but I can't escape this feeling.  I don't want this to kill me.  I'm self-aware enough to realize I'm sick.  Wanting to kill yourself isn't normal or the hallmark of someone who is doing okay.  I need to get better."

"I hate to break it to you, but you can't fix this problem without addressing your eating disorder.  You won't find yourself truly well until both are addressed."

"What would that even look like?"

"Start with three meals a day," He said as if it were that simple.

"Even if I wanted to try that, I'm not sure that is even possible,"  I said, doubting his sanity this time.

"It wouldn't happen overnight, but you have to make an effort to get there," He said kindly.

-------

Hades visited me a few hours later.  "I apologize for not being here yesterday.  There was a riot in the Fields of Punishment that unfortunately needed both Persephone's and my attention.  I had an eye on you the entire time, and had something shifted, I would have come immediately."

"Thanks.  Is it so bad that I was homesick?"  I said emptily.

"You shouldn't waste your mortality.  You only get one shot at being alive.  I want you to have a long life, but you need to decide you want it.  I love you.  I want to see you, but you shouldn't waste your life.  You have eternity to be in the underworld."

"But everything is just so hard," I complained.

"I know that your life has been difficult, but it can get better."  Hades paused, seeming to be internally debating something.  He sighed then addressed me again, "When there is a death aura dark as yours, I can predict death +/-2 days."

I felt myself pale, "How much time?"

"Your suicide attempt didn't help anything.  You are dying from your eating disorder and from a lack of the will to live.  Despair isn't exactly uncommon among demigods, but it has a more physical effect on my children.  Either issue alone would be a problem, but you would have more time to turn things around.  Together, I'm afraid they may prove to be fatal."

"You didn't answer the questions," I said hesitantly.

"You have enough time to put your affairs in order, make a will, and say goodbye."

I could feel myself pale further.  "I'm out of time?"

"I'm sorry," He said, looking heartbroken.  "If you decide you want to live and start today working on fixing your eating disorder now you may just have enough time to save yourself.  I don't want to see you make your final trip home so soon."

I felt like there was ice water in my veins.  This was really happening.  "Can you please leave?  I need some time."  I could barely think.

"Of course.  I hope I don't see you soon," Hades said before leaving.

 

Notes:

So what is Nico going to do? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I'm busy the next two weeks, and the next chapter is only 50% done. I also have some carpal tunnel issues that are going to keep me from the computer for a little bit. The next post should be on 8/8/25. See you then!

edit 8/9: Sorry guys, the chapter isn't ready. I've been sick this week and haven't had time to write the chapter down. I'll get it up as soon as it is ready.

Chapter 110: How to Recover

Summary:

Kyle's backstory, guys!

Notes:

Hey guys! I'm back, and I'm so excited for you to read the chapter! Thank you for all the well wishes about my health! I'm doing better.

So, this is a really sad chapter—time to break out the tissues.

TW: Mention of sexual assault of a minor-nothing explicit, psychological torture

Summary at the end.

Nico's POV:

I had been staring at a Graham cracker and a juice box for the better part of an hour, trying to force myself to eat it, when Kyle came in. He looked pale and shaky.

"Hey, man," He greeted.

"Hey," I returned.  When he got settled in one of the chairs in the room, I asked the questions I had been wondering about for the last hour.  "How did you recover?"

Kyle gave a sad smirk.  He definitely wasn't doing well today.  I should ask about that.  "Thinking about giving it a try?" He asked with dry humor.

"Just answer the question," I said, exasperated.

"Okay.  A fuck ton of therapy and work,"

"Figured," I said sadly.  It wasn't the answer I wanted.  I didn't quite know what I wanted, but it wasn't that.

"I had to completely retrain my thoughts around food.  It certainly didn't happen overnight.  I relearned a lot of things: to listen to my body when I was hungry and not to enjoy that feeling; I didn't need to earn the right to eat;  my value wasn't tied to a number on a scale; food isn't scary or harmful."

"I know you weren't anorexic.  We aren't quite dealing with the same illness, but did you ever have trouble eating?"  I asked uncomfortably.  Even though he had the answers I wanted, talking about the issue was hard.

Kyle looked surprised.  "Did you just admit to having anorexia?"

"Yes, and don't get all smug about being right.  Okay?"  I huffed.

He looked genuinely happy.  "I'm not smug.  I'm thrilled.  The first step to getting out of the mess you are in is admitting you have a problem."

"Well, don't get too excited.  I had a rather sobering conversation with my father earlier.  If I can't start turning things around today, I'm not going to survive this.  He seemed to indicate that I had enough time to set my affairs in order and say goodbye, though."

Kyle went completely pale.

"But... I... No... you..." He stopped stammering and crushed me in a hug.  "You can't.  Gods, you can't."  He pulled back, holding my shoulders.  He had tears running down his face.  "I get that you tried to commit suicide yesterday, so life might not seem worth living at the moment, but we need you.  Hazel adores you.  Percy and Jason see you as their little brother.  You're my friend, and if you die, I don't think it will be very long before Will follows you willingly or dies of a broken heart.  Please, you have to fight this fate."

It was my turn to cry.  "I want to.  Gods, I want to, but even if I do try, I'm not sure I can make progress fast enough to save myself.  I've been trying to eat this damn graham cracker and juice box for the last hour, and all I've been able to do is nibble on the corner.  I can't abandon Hazel.  I'm trying.  Gods, I'm trying, but I can't make myself eat.  I'm trying to operate against everything my brain is telling me is true, on the assumption that if I do it might keep me alive.  It feels impossible."

"I understand.  I had problems getting myself to eat, too," He said, looking small.  "When I was still at my mother's house before joining the legion, I'm pretty sure I met the criteria for anorexia.  By the time Mike checked me into the hospital, I was really only exhibiting symptoms of bulimia.  I understand wanting to eat but not being able to physically do it."

"You can stop talking if you want to, but you never told me much about your time before the legion.  What about that made you develop an eating disorder exactly?  Like, I know your mother was a monster, but is there more to the story than that?"

"I don't talk about it."

"Fair enough."  He was entitled to his privacy.

He shut his eyes and clenched his fist before opening his eyes and looking determined.  "You can have five minutes of me talking about before the legion for each bite you take of that graham cracker.  Deal?"

"Are you using your past as a bribe to get me to eat?" I chuckled.

He shrugged with fake causality, "Whatever works."

"I know this is a crazy, touchy subject with you.  Don't feel obligated because you think I need saving."

"My therapist said it is up to me who I share my past with and what I want to share.  This is my choice.  While talking about it may be difficult, I won't regret you knowing.  Deal?"

I shookily picked up the offending cracker and took a tiny bit.  After choking it down, I replied, "Deal."

He gave a genuine smile, and when he took a deep breath, his smile dropped.  "My mom is, or at least was, one of the most evil people I have ever met.  She was emotionally and physically abusive.  She was also a drunk.  Looking back now, there were also drugs involved.  She was a legacy of some sort and seemed to get pleasure in seeing me suffer.  My therapist theorizes that I have repressed most of my memories of her to protect myself.  They start to come back every once in a while.  My earliest memory was from when I was eight, which isn't normal.

Nothing was ever good with my mom.  I can't remember a time I felt happy or safe around her.  As far as an abuse situation goes, it didn't start out as hell.  That was later.  There were physical punishments for the most minor infractions.  If I were around when she didn't want me, I could expect some kind of bruise.  She was always making comments that I took up too much space and too many resources.  You can imagine how that translated into an eating disorder.

I learned that saying nothing was the best way to escape some of her rage or at least make the beatings end faster.  I developed what a doctor would later call selective mutism.  I've done a lot of work to be able to speak freely, but I do have a lot of trouble when I'm uncomfortable or scared.

I had zero self-worth.  When you can't ever remember being loved..."  He shook his head to rid himself of a bad memory. "It messes you up profoundly.  The worst was when she was either drunk or in withdrawal from whatever she was taking.  She overdosed once.  I gave her Narcan.  She trained me on what to do if she wasn't responsive.  What kind of mother does that to a 9-year-old?  I should have let her die.  Does that make me a bad person?"

"No.  I know it doesn't feel right to be judge, jury, and executioner, but refusing to save someone from their consequence isn't that.  I know you.  You aren't vindictive.  It wouldn't have been revenge.  It would have been stopping an abuser, the only way you knew how.  You were a kid.  I've sat in the judges' panel in the underworld before.  I understand that intentions matter.  Do you really wish she were dead, or do you wish the abuse had stopped there?"

"The abuse to stop, no question.  I still wish she were dead, though, so it could never happen again.  Even though now I could physically stop her from hurting me, I'm terrified of her.  Take another bite, please."  I complied.

After seeing I had finished my bite, Kyle pinched his eyes shut before continuing, "Mom's boyfriend moved in when I was 10.  Six months later, the drugging started.  Normally, at dinner, Mom wouldn't serve me much, but on nights that her boyfriend had 'friends' over, they served me a normal portion of food, and both made sure I finished everything and my water.  At this point, I was throwing up a lot of what I would eat, when I would eat anything.  After being forced to eat, I would immediately go and purge afterwards.  I couldn't stand the idea of eating that much.  The drug must have been fairly fast-acting, though, because the purging had no effect.  Almost immediately, I would start to feel sick and sleepy, and go to bed afterwards. 

After I turned 11, I finally put some of the horrible pieces together.  I would only feel sick after eating meals they insisted I eat, and they only did this when 'friends' were over.  I thought they were just trying to keep me out of their way."  He paused.

I picked up on his unease.  "You have reason to believe that wasn't the case," I said as a statement, not a question.  I could see tears in his eyes.  This topic was painful for him.  I didn't know what I could do to help, so I decided to take another bite and let him continue.

"Yes.  I can't prove anything, and I doubt I'll ever have answers about exactly what happened after they knocked me out." After a sad sigh, he continued. "After being drugged regularly for a year, I started to notice inconsistencies between when I would fall asleep and when I woke up.  The pieces started to click together slowly.  Things would be moved in my room while I was knocked out.  I would sometimes wake up in pajamas when I knew I had fallen asleep in other clothes.  I realize these could have innocent explanations, but there were other things."  He shuddered. "When their 'friends' would arrive before I finished my dinner, I noticed they would always pay Mom's boyfriend.  They would leer in ways that made me uncomfortable.  There were comments I was too young to understand at the time.  I'd wake up with clothes askew in a way that couldn't be easily explained by sleeping.  I'd find unexplainable stains on my bedding and clothes.

Gods, I tried so hard to convince myself that what I suspected was happening wasn't true.  That lasted for around 8 months.  About two months before I turned 12..."  He stopped speaking.  It seemed like he was incapable of continuing the story.  He had his hand over his mouth, and the look on his face was heartbreaking.  It was a mix of horror, disbelief, grief, and profound sorrow.  He just sat there, silent for a long time.  When he finally pulled his hand from his mouth, he opened and closed his mouth several times.  The words seemed unable to pass his lips.  

When he did start talking, it was a whisper.  "It was late.  I woke up to use the bathroom.  The office was right next to the bathroom, and the light was on.  The boyfriend was talking on the phone.  What he said was sickening." At this point, Kyle wasn't looking at me, but staring dully past me.  "He said, 'I know your preferences run on the... younger side.  I have a boy.  He hasn't even turned 12, perfect fit.  If you wanted to do it tomorrow, you would be his only client.  Now we need to discuss acts and pricing.'  I ran back to my room, trying desperately to come up with an explanation that wasn't the obvious.

The next night, Mom put a normal-sized meal in front of me.  The existential dread was overwhelming.  The meal was just confirmation that I was right.

I had tried before to resist eating these meals, and it always turned out badly.  This time, I couldn't take a bite.  It felt like I was giving consent.  Who would knowingly let themselves be drugged and assaulted?" He let out a sad laugh.  I think it was one of the most heartbreaking sounds I have ever heard.  "Because I was trying not to eat, the man entered the adjacent room before I even started.  I could see him from where I sat, and he could see me.  The pedophile was a large man, around 50.  Thinking of that man's face makes me sick.  Before, there had always been a shred of doubt and hope that I was wrong.  I clung to that delusion for as long as I could.  Knowing the truth was so much worse.

Mom's boyfriend, he... He..."  Kyle had tears running down his face at this point.  The pain from sympathy I was feeling was overwhelming.  I couldn't even comprehend the pain he was experiencing.  I wanted to hug him, but I knew from experience that physical affection was hit or miss on a good day.  Today wasn't a good day.  "He twisted my left arm behind my back and said he would break it if I didn't eat.  I weighed the option of a broken arm against what I was sure to experience.  I honestly would have chosen the broken arm, but then I realized there was no guarantee I wouldn't just get raped anyway.  I must have taken too long because he started to push my arm into an unnatural angle." 

Kyle paused.  He was absolutely shaking.  "It's been more than five minutes."  I took a decent-sized bite.  If he were reliving this, I could at least put in my best effort.  He continued.  "I said the stupidest, bravest, most defiant thing I have ever said before he could try to break my arm.  'I don't think your friend wants his prostitute broken.'  He let go of my arm and just stared at me, calculating.  What he said next still gives me nightmares.  'I've been nice.  If you don't eat this right now, I'll tell him he doesn't have to follow the rules.  You like being a virgin, right?'  I just stared in horror.  There was no way I could know if what he said about my virginity was true.  There was at least one thing I was positive didn't happen, but the rest is a large question mark.  If there was something that I could do to possibly reduce the likelihood of being raped, and just hold it to sexual assault, I would do that.

I ate everything numbly.  For once, I wanted to be thoroughly drugged.  It honestly couldn't happen fast enough.  If this was going to happen, at least I didn't have to be aware of it.  The entire time I was drugging myself, the man in the other room just watched me approvingly.  It was vile.  I didn't even want to purge the meal because I didn't want to risk getting rid of the drugs.  My eating disorder had other things to say about that.  Even if I wanted to hold down a meal, my brain would yell at me till I didn't.  Fortunately, I still had enough drugs in my system to prevent me from remembering what that man did.  I never resisted eating the drugged meals again. 

I can barely describe how I felt the next morning.  I felt so numb and helpless.  Whatever happened in this house of horrors, I was just along for the ride.  There was no hope of rescue, no hero coming to save me.  This was just my fate now.  The ensuing depression was indescribable.  I had accepted that I was living in hell, and I wouldn't escape.  The only reason I didn't try to chemically numb myself to oblivion was the fear that my mom would find out and beat me within an inch of death, and I wouldn't die.  It wasn't the dying part I was scared of; it was the pain in between.  I don't know how I survived.

Take another bite."  He paused to collect his thoughts as I was eating.

"Does Will know this happened?  Does your dad?"

He humorlessly laughed.  "No, only you and my therapist have that horrible privilege.  Any other questions?"

"Do you want me to ask my dad to rush their trip to his realm?  It wouldn't take much to convince him.  Those kinds of crimes he has a particular distaste for.  I'm sure he can find a suitable activity for their afterlife from there."  I asked completely seriously.

"Isn't that being judge, jury, and executioner?" He asked hesitantly.

"That's my dad's job.  He wouldn't follow through with my request if it weren't just."  I was fully confident of it.  I would lose no sleep over pointing my father in the direction of a monster.

"Let my mom be.  If I need to, I can deal with her through the legal system.  The boyfriend should die.  I don't think I have the evidence to put him away.  He is going to hurt someone else." He responded sadly and seriously.

"Next time I talk to my dad, I'll let him know to look into it."  

"Thank you."  He sighed.  "The story gets worse before it gets better.  Do you want me to continue?"  Gods, how was that not the low point?

"Yeah,"

"Eat up then."  I took two bites.  "Once my mom found out about the purging, that's when the nightmare really started."  How the fuck was being drugged and assaulted not the nightmare!?!  "She made another drugged meal.  I was confused because they hadn't said anything about having people over, and it was later than usual.  This time, they wouldn't let me leave the table after eating.  Eventually, I passed out. 

When I woke up, I was on a cot in the basement, hooked up to an IV."  He shuddered.  "I still hate those things.  The boyfriend was a nurse, so I knew they wouldn't accidentally kill me.  I don't know if that knowledge made it better or worse.  They were trying to create some negative Pavlovian response to purging.  They would give me small amounts of food, then inject a drug that induced vomiting.  After I stopped vomiting, they would give me another drug that caused terrifying hallucinations for hours on end.  I think they did this three times a day back-to-back.  I don't really remember any time that I wasn't doing one of those three things.  I don't even remember standing up at any point.  After the third round, I would pass out.  This went on for some unknown period of time.  My guess is around 10 days before I even tried to escape.

It was nearly impossible to plan an escape under those circumstances.  I had an hour total a day at most where I could think somewhat normally.  It took a while to nail down exactly what was happening.  At first, I thought the food was being poisoned until I saw her boyfriend inject some medication into my IV immediately before I started vomiting.  I thought I was being drugged to sleep because I could never remember falling asleep, then I realized it was just my body giving out at the end of the torture session.

I created a plan, and I'm still surprised it worked.  I wasn't handcuffed to the cot, so the only thing holding me there were drugs and exhaustion.  I pretended to pass out after only 2 rounds of torture.  They had quite a discussion about what to do about that development.  I don't remember much about that discussion except that they floated the idea of giving me a stimulant to keep me awake through another round.  The next day, they tried to use a stimulant to keep me awake.  The mixed medications were horrible.  I felt like I was going to die of a heart attack, but pretended that it had no effect, so they had no reason to do it again. 

There wasn't someone in the room 24/7, so there were at least times it would be possible to escape if I could only move.  It took a few days of reduced sessions to get enough energy to think, and another 2 two to stand up.  There were only two possible exits to the basement: the door to the house and a small window at the top of the wall.  It was maybe eighteen inches tall, 3 feet wide, and 6.5 feet off the ground.  Fortunately for me, the lock had been broken for years. 

The window was the only viable option.  After the two of them left one night, I ripped out the IV, and by some miracle, I pulled myself through the window.  I don't really remember what happened between escaping the house and arriving at Camp Jupiter's enlistment office.  I had zero letters of recommendation, but I think someone saw a clearly abused kid and took pity on me.  Someone immediately took me to the hospital.  I was dehydrated and malnourished.  I had broken bones that hadn't healed right.  Having them rebroken sucked.  I asked them to run every STD test they had.  Fortunately, I hadn't caught anything that wasn't curable.  I spent three weeks in there.

I had a really messed-up relationship with food.  Any time I had a full portion of food for almost a full year, I would have to fight off a panic attack.  Eventually, I could eat without panicking and vomiting.  I didn't make any friends that first year.  I was too terrified of everyone.  It took me quite a while of studying the people around me to understand social cues. 

Unfortunately, the moment I started to think that maybe I was going to be okay was when my mom started to hunt me down.  She was relentless.  She would come into the camp and corner me.  There were a lot of 'come home or else' threats.  There were letters.  I was solidly coping for quite a while.

Okay, that was 10 minutes.  Eat."  I finished my Graham cracker, which earned me a smile.

"My sixteenth birthday was when I broke.  That morning was fine.  I got up, did morning training, and ate breakfast, honestly enjoying the day.  Then I got back to my bunk." He visibly shuddered and stopped talking.  I thought he was just having a hard time, but then I noticed he was dissociating.

"Kyle. Kyle!"  His eyes stopped staring into space and looked at me.  "You are with me.  You are safe,"  I said as firmly as I could.

"I'm safe.  I'm safe.  I'm safe."  He shut his eyes, and when they opened again, they were clearer.

"We can stop."  I didn't want to push him beyond what he could handle.

"No.  This is my story, and I get to tell it.  That bitch doesn't get to make me silent ever again." He said confidently.  I was proud.  

"On my bunk was an emaciated chicken with its neck snapped." I couldn't hold in my gasp or shocked expression.  "There was a note with it.  'Kyle' was written in her cursive handwriting.  I didn't open it.  I took both items to security.  While I still received letters on occasion, I never had a 'surprise present' or saw her in person again.  That didn't matter much because the damage was done.

Every insecurity about taking up too much room, looking too noticeable, thinking I was unworthy of love, and feeling ugly came back 10x stronger.  A funny thing happens when you get out of an abusive situation for a while: you lose your tolerance for abuse.  It hits so much harder when you know you deserve better.  The emotions are far more complicated, too.  Coping mechanisms snap back in place faster than you can blink.  The self-blame for getting abused again is off the charts.

I vomited for four hours straight once I left security.  I was terrified of everyone again.  I started purging to try to cope.  The only thing I didn't go back to was starving myself.  I couldn't let her erase everything.

Four months later, Mike, my superior officer, committed me against my will.  You know the story from there."  Kyle looked relieved to be done.

"I'm glad you recovered."  Kyle grimaced.  There was still something going on.  "Okay, something isn't right.  Spill."

"Finish your juice, and I'll answer."  He looked as if he were about to do penance.

I polished off the drink.  "Answer."

He swept his hand down his face and let out a long sigh.  "Of course, you would ask something leading to me talking about this.  I've been purging since Christmas.  My girlfriend caught me a few days later."  I raised my eyebrows.  "I'm a hypocrite.  I know.  I won't try to deny it."

"I don't get your trying to sell me on leaving behind my eating disorder, then tell me you are going back to yours.  Wouldn't it have been easier to lie to me and present a unified story?  I would have been none the wiser.  It's not like I could catch your lie in here,"  I asked, pointing out the obvious.

"One of the rules my therapist and I set up was no lying about my eating disorder.  It's harder to recover from when you're hiding it.  At this point, all I'm trying to do is keep myself from being recommitted." He sighed, exhausted.

"Is it that bad?"  I asked, hesitant and worried.

"Once the ball gets rolling on my bulimia, it's tough to get it to stop.  Eating disorders are like drug addictions.  Relapses are certainly not encouraged, but you need to plan for them.  My therapist and I made a response plan when I was in a much better state of mind: who to talk to, what information I needed to share, and general rules to follow.  The 'rule', if you want to call it that, that I'm most concerned about is that after a relapse, I have two weeks to get my shit together before we work on more extreme responses.  That is, unless the state of my health makes waiting not an option.  Tomorrow will make a week."

"How exactly is the recovery going?"  His face morphed into one of extreme guilt and distress.  "Kyle, how do you look more guilty?  What did you do?"  I asked seriously.  Some things were clicking together.  I had theories on why he was looking like that, but he needed to spell it out.

He threw his head back and groaned.  "Why do you keep asking fucking questions that make me tell you things?"

"You don't have to answer," I responded, fully knowing he would.

"Well, you know that rule I alluded to earlier about no lying about my eating disorder, there is a little more to it than that.  I'm bad at opening up about what is going on in my head, so my therapist came up with this rule: if anyone in my close inner circle asks questions about my mental health, I have to answer them fully and honestly.  It honestly helped more than anything else did.  Uh... Okay..."

He took a large breath.  "Last night was bad before Will's mental breakdown, and I may have contributed to that breakdown.  My mom sent me a letter on Christmas.  I don't want to go into why it sent me over the edge, but it did.  I was spending too much time in my head thinking about my mom and all the crap surrounding that relationship, and wishing things were different.  I had purged twice that day.  It didn't help.  I tried self-harm."

"What exactly did you do?"

"Cuts on my ankle.  Will got Dad, and we talked about what was going on."

"When you said trying to get better this time is hard, is this like last year's relapse hard, or this getting out of control hard?"

"I can see you've had a lot of practice asking probing questions."  He paused, considering.

After a while, I said, "You're stalling.  That isn't an answer to my question."

"I plead the fifth?"

I narrowed my eyes.  "I thought there were rules."

"Fuck you," he said with a chuckle.  "I'm not always the best at following rules.  Alright,  I can recognize that things are out of control.  I'm trying to get it together; it's just not working."

"Are you going to end up in here?"

"No... Maybe?  Gods, I hope not.  I can't do a second round of this."  He said, shaking his head in horror.

"Are you passing out?"

He gritted his teeth, "Yes."

"How's your weight?"

"You're in here for an ED.  A conversation about weight isn't a conversation we should be having."  He said defensively.

"If it was fine, you would have said so, so it isn't fine,"  I stated.

"I... I..." He looked like a deer caught in headlights.  He let out a resigned sigh.  "Are you going to make me say it?"

"When does Dr. Smith have another physical scheduled for you?"

"In four days."

"I'm not going to make you say it, but that doesn't change reality.  I'm not going to lecture you or point out risks and consequences because you already know all of that.  Also, the amount of hypocrisy I would have to engage in to do that makes me uncomfortable."  I smiled, and Kyle laughed.  "I care about you.  I want you to be okay, and I know recovering is something you are fully capable of."

"Thanks," He said with a small smile.

Notes:

Please comment on what you think! I'm so excited to hear your thoughts. Also, does anyone have an idea for a better summary for the story? I'm not crazy about the one I posted.

I wanted to let you know that I don't imagine the next update will be on time. My hope is that the latest it will be posted on is 9/12/25, and the earliest would be 8/29/25. I need to figure out the order for the next 9 or so chapters. I have many of the chapters mostly written, but the one that comes next isn't close to being done. This story is still very much alive, but I don't want to rush out a bad chapter to keep the schedule. There are some chapters coming up that I am really excited about.

Summary: Nico is trying to eat but is having trouble. Kyle comes to visit him and shares about his life before the legion as a reward for eating. Kyle was beaten by his mother, drugged and sexually assaulted repeatedly by his mother's boyfriend, and tortured with hallucinogenic drugs by his mother and her boyfriend to hopefully have a reversion to vomiting. Kyle reveals to Nico that he is having trouble with his eating disorder, and it is out of control.

Chapter 111: Interview

Notes:

Hey guys! I think we are going back to regular posting for a while.

After Matthew drove up, he spent quite a while talking to Apollo out of earshot.  Apollo said his farewell shortly thereafter, and I waited to talk to Dr. Conners.  The staff were nice enough to provide a snack, seeing as I had accidentally skipped breakfast and lunch.

I was led into a room that had a couch, windows, a desk, and a few well-placed plants. Once we got settled, Matthew introduced himself. "Hello, I'm Dr. Matthew Conners. You may call me Matthew.  Now, I've had time to look at your intake paperwork.  I'm going to ask you some of the questions again or in more detail, because people can and often do lie on the forms.  It's nothing personal.  I'll review your medical files and therapist's notes before our first session to catch up.  If there are any questions you want to skip and come back to, let me know.  All must be answered, but it doesn't have to be in order.   Any questions before we get started?"

This all would normally make me nervous, but what was the point of being nervous when I was already dead inside?  "Actually, do you have any powers?"

“I can make those around me drunk or sober.  While a fun party trick, I don’t use it very often.  I can also influence the emotions of those around me.  When I was young, I didn’t do it consciously and made everyone around me feel like I did.  It worked out okay most of the time unless I was angry.  Now I understand the extent to which I can influence others, and I’m far more careful.  At this point, I only use it in emergencies.”

His power made me nervous.  “Would you use it on me?”

“Yes.” The fear must have been clear on my face.  “Let me explain before you panic.”  I nodded.  “If there was a life and death emergency and I needed you to be calm for your safety or the safety of others, I would use it to do that and nothing more.  If you were actively harming yourself, I would manipulate your emotions to be more receptive to help.  If you were having a panic attack, I would ask your permission before using my powers to help.  Do you have a problem with any of this?”

His explanation seemed reasonable.  “I guess that’s okay.”

“Any other questions?” He said, smiling.

“I guess not,” I squirmed in my chair uncomfortably.

"Then let’s get started.  What is your preferred name?"

"Will,"

"Do you have any powers?"

"Yes, but Dad bound all of my powers except healing."

"That doesn’t sound fun.  Are you okay with that?”  He asked, concerned.

“I don’t really care right now.” Ah, my good friend apathy.

“What is your reason for admittance?"

"Come back to that one."  The idea of even approaching that topic made me exhausted.

"Okay.  Do you have any currently diagnosed mental illnesses?"

"PTSD, major depressive disorder, and opioid use disorder."

"Have you been diagnosed with mental illnesses before that you no longer meet the qualifications for?"

“I’d really like to move a few of my disorders to this category, but alas, no.”

"Have you ever used non-prescribed drugs?"

"Yes.  I thought that one was obvious by the opioid use disorder.”  He gave a sarcastic snort.

"What type of drugs have you used?"

"Oxycodone intentionally, and fentanyl unintentionally," He raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment.

"When was the last time you used?"  I at least appreciated the lack of judgmental tone.

"104 days ago."  There were close calls, but somehow I had managed.

"What is your history with substance abuse?"

"I started to use when I was 12 for two weeks, and then I started using it again this past summer."

"Do you drink alcohol?" 

"Not currently,"

"Last time you had a drink?"

"104 days ago," The same day one of my friends died, and I almost destroyed my relationship with Nico for good.

"Have you caused non-suicidal self-injuries?"

"Yes"

"Date of last incident?"

"Yesterday, maybe?"

He cocked his head to the side with a puzzled expression.  "Can you explain that?"

"I cut yesterday, but the intentions of that cut were unclear.  I don’t remember picking up the blade.  I only pressed in when the thoughts started to get too loud."

“Thoughts?”

“I can’t really remember.  I just know they were loud and bothersome, and I wanted them to stop.”

“Did you find the self-injurious behavior brought you some form of relief?”  He asked, never straying from professional detachment.

I had to think about the question for a while.  Did it actually help?  “I remember it whiting out my thoughts, but not getting rid of the emotions.  Seeing the blood made me panic and get Dad.”  I should maybe think about this more later.

"Have you ever made a suicide attempt?"

"Yes," I cringed.  Even if I still wanted to die, part of me felt the act of taking my life was shameful and cowardly.

"How many and when?”  Matthew’s lack of distress or judgment helped the words flow more easily out of my mouth.

"Once around 2 months ago," It didn’t exactly make sense to me, but I regretted trying to end my life when I did.  It wasn’t like the last two months were filled with a lot of good times, but I didn’t regret living them.  There were good moments in the bad, and I did treasure the time I was able to spend with my friends, even if the circumstances weren’t always great.

"Do you believe you are a danger to any of the staff or other patients?"

"No,"

"Do you believe you are a danger to yourself?"

"I’m assuming if my inclination is to answer maybe, that it is probably a yes."

He gave a sad smile.  "I agree.  Do you have any intentions of leaving the facility before you are officially released?

"I’m not exactly thrilled to be here, but I don’t really see a reason to leave.  Besides, if I did, someone would just drag me back here.”

"Do any people at home make you feel unsafe?"

“No.”

“Are you in a relationship that others may consider abusive?"

"Weird way to word that, but no."

"Most people have trouble saying they think they are in an abusive relationship, but have less of a problem saying other people think they are in an abusive relationship.  It’s a way to show there may be a problem without accepting that there is a problem.”

Have you been to prison?"

I shuddered.  Those were memories I wish I could forget.  "Yes.  I was framed for breaking my probation for dealing drugs under duress and theft under duress."

Matthew moved on without question.  "Have you participated in any major battles or wars?"

"Yes, Battle of the Labyrinth, Battle of Manhattan, Battle of Camp Half-Blood, and the battle against Nero."

"Have you been sexually assaulted?"

I gritted my teeth.  This was a very personal.  "Yes."

"Any other traumatic experiences that we should know about that have not been previously mentioned?"

"I was in a car wreck where the driver died, and I've been to Tartarus."  Matthew's pen stopped moving, and he looked up.  The look of surprise was gone as quickly as it came.

"Now, back to the first question, reason for admission?"

"I’m sure it all boils down to I want to die."

"Actively or passively suicidal?"

"I had over seven plans last night that didn't even need me to leave my apartment."

"Okay, was there something that stopped you?"

"I hadn't written a goodbye note to my boyfriend."

"Is there any other information that we should know before treating you?"

“My boyfriend is checked into the Mental Health Facility at New Rome due to anorexia.  He tried to commit suicide yesterday.  I haven’t even begun to process how I feel about that.”  I was honestly avoiding thinking about the topic as much as I could.

“Alright, good to know.  Based on your answers and the discussion I had with Apollo earlier, you are to be on line of sight with a minimum 72-hour hold.  That hold may be extended if you are still deemed to be a risk to yourself.”  He did look apologetic.  I wanted to be sad or angry or frustrated, but I was too emotionally exhausted to react.  It wasn’t exactly like any of this was a surprise.  Really, any other outcome would have been more shocking.  “Therapy and activities are done for the day.  Eat some dinner and get a good night’s sleep.  We can start working on things in the morning.”

 

 

Notes:

What do you think?

I'll see you next Friday. Also, I plan to start working on correcting typos and grammatical mistakes earlier in the work. If you see edits, and there is no edit note at the end, that is what is going on.

Chapter 112: Castor

Notes:

Hello, boys and girls! I hope you are having a fantastic Friday. If you noticed the recent Tag and Character update, you are more observant than I would be. Some of the Tags & Characters are for existing parts of the story, and some will come up in the future. If you want to be fully surprised, don't check. If you want some clues as to where the next 12 chapters are going, give it a look. Happy Friday!

TW: Discussion of Suicide

Therapy this morning wasn’t exactly groundbreaking.  It was just really an info dump about the last 6 months.  I feel so emotionally dead at this point; talking about my rape didn’t make me feel anything.  The closest I could get to an emotional response was recognizing the fact that I could no longer feel anything wasn’t good.  Logically, I know thinking about Nico’s suicide attempt should upset me, but I just can’t feel it.  Matthew thinks it could be a medication issue.  I hope he is right because that might be fixable.  What if I’m just broken?

Large group therapy was okay.  People were introduced, and I immediately forgot about them.  The person leading the therapy, who I couldn’t remember the name of, asked me to introduce myself.  I might have said my name?

I was now doing my therapeutic activity, journaling (more like holding a journal), on the facility porch.  What I was really trying to do was to make myself feel something.  I tried thinking of any happy memory.  When that didn’t work, I tried to think of any sad memory.  Then I tried to think of generic sad things.  Then I tried to think of things I was scared of.  I was starting to feel maybe frustrated or confused?  Mainly, I felt tired.  Feelings were hard.  Why did I need them again?

"Will," Pollux said, getting my attention.

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind if I take over for Ellis to keep an eye on you?"  Ellis was my current babysitter.

"No."  What did I care?

We sat there in the silence, looking out at the property for a while.  Then I ask, "How did you handle Castor's death?"  I quickly amended, "If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine."  Just because I couldn’t feel didn’t mean other people couldn’t.

Pollux let out a deep sigh.  "Do you really want to know?  It's not exactly pretty," he said, turning to me.

"I started taking narcotics and then developed a cutting habit after Lee.  It's not like you're going to surprise me," I said dully.

Pollux reached into his pocket and tossed something at me.

I looked at the coin-like object in my hand it read 3 years. "Is this a sobriety chip?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, fidgeting nervously.  "I kept it together till the Battle of Manhattan ended because I knew that's what Castor would have wanted me to do.  I then left for college.  I joined a frat.  They are great for encouraging healthy coping mechanisms.  Every minute I wasn't in class or studying, I was drunk.  After I landed in the hospital for the second time for alcohol poisoning, Dad stepped in.  It took me 2 years and two different trips to rehab to find sobriety."

"What made you finally turn things around?" I asked curiously.  Maybe his reason could help me find my own?

"Your boyfriend showed up at my dorm room."

"Nico?" I said, confused.  When had he ever been to Columbia?

"You have another?" He said with a chuckle.  "Anyways, I was still somewhat drunk from the night before when Nico knocked on my door.  He didn't exactly look like he was happy to see me.  I right off the bat told him 'No quests,' and promptly tried to shut the door in his face.  He blocked it.  He said that there was no quest, and he was doing a favor for me requested by my dad.  Then he dragged me to a diner, saying that I needed to be sober for this.  We had a greasy breakfast in silence.  Once he was certain that all of the alcohol was out of my system, he ordered a burger and a large soda to go.  He said he couldn't do anything unnecessary with his powers today, because he would be drained by the end of this as it was. We needed to walk to where we were going.

We trekked about 2 hours through a forest, with me complaining most of the way.  I honestly really needed a drink at this point.  Nico was insistent that I would want to be sober for this, and if I tried to get drunk, he was going to kick my ass."

"Sounds like him," I laughed, but it didn’t quite sound right.

"Well, at the end of that 2-hour hike, we were in an abandoned graveyard in the middle of a forest."  He paused, taking a deep breath, and I could see tears in his eyes. "Once we got there, Nico's expression significantly softened.  He said, 'Your father woke me up at 6 am to come here to do this.  He is worried, and after getting the details, so am I.  Don't waste this.'  Nico pulled a shovel out of nowhere and started digging.  I was very confused, but I waited because whatever this was seemed to be important. Eventually, he fished with what he was doing and summoned Castor.  Before we got to chatting, Nico ratted me out to Castor, saying, 'I was told to tell you that Pollux is an alcoholic.  He's been like this for two years.'  Nico had the audacity to say ‘good luck’ while smirking at me like he didn't just throw me under the bus.  I got the mother of all lectures from Castor, with some really low blows.  I think the worst one was ‘We made a fucking promise to each other and just because I’m dead doesn’t give you the right to ignore it!’ Yeah, that one hurt. Our mother was an alcoholic, and we both promised each other that we wouldn't become that. 

Nico let us talk for as long as he could keep up the connection.  The conversation didn't fix anything, but the disappointment on Castor's face was enough to get me back to rehab.  I made an effort to stay sober this time.  I'm not saying that things got easier because they didn't, but I would prefer that when I see Castor again, I don't have to see that same disappointed glare.  That’s what I think about when I want to drink.  So, you dealt with Lee's death with drugs and cutting?"

"Not my best decision.  The drugs at the time were a short-term thing, but the cutting lasted for 4 years, and relapsed with both this past summer.  I've been having a hard time ever since.  I know that drugs have caused me problems, but at this point, I don't know if sobriety is worth it.  Before the whole situation that landed me here, my friends were doing the heavy lifting of keeping me sober until my head was screwed back on straight.  I'm certainly not there yet."

"Why exactly are you here?  If you don't mind me asking."  Pollux inquired.

"A ton of shit happened in the last 6 months, and I'm tired.  Like I want to be done forever, tired." I said, exhausted.

"Ah," Pollux said in understanding.

"I keep wondering who would be more disappointed if I went through with it, Lee or Michael."  I wondered out loud.

"Lee, though I doubt he would be mad.  It’s not like he didn’t have rough days.  Michael and I were really close.  After Castor and Lee died, we both went slightly insane due to grief.  I don't have the same powers my dad has when it comes to madness, but I can tell when something is wrong.  Turns out Michael has a similar power.  I don't believe he ever shared this because he didn't want to make people uncomfortable.  He could gauge the health of someone's mind.  He described it once.  If he focused, everyone's mind would look like ribbons.  The more breaks in the ribbons, the worse off they were."

"So that's why he always insisted on dealing with the mental health stuff."  It all clicked.

"When we saw each other after the funeral, I think we both saw something in the other that was alarming.  The mutual demand to talk was evidence of that.  I believe Michael's description of my mind was that it looked like something had been forcefully removed.  There were breaks everywhere.  Looking at Michael... there was way more than grief there.  After someone dies, some amount of depression is normal for friends and family.  This was beyond normal; it was dangerous.  Do you remember Michael not sleeping in your cabin much after Lee died?"

"Yeah, he usually said that he had to monitor a patient overnight in their cabin.  I'm guessing that wasn't the reason now." I responded feeling some curiosity.

"This is about to get even darker.  Are you sure you want to hear this?" Pollux asked nervously.  “I don’t want to tarnish your memory of him.”

"I don't think my mental state can get worse, so go for it."  I really did want to know.

"Neither one of us trusted the other to be by themselves.  Michael would frequently sleep in my cabin, so that neither of us ever had too much time to ourselves.  We kept a constant eye on each other.  Even though both of us were fine with our own deaths, we refused to let the other die.  A rather mutually beneficial relationship for two suicidal teenagers."

"Did either of you ever...?" The question sat heavy in the air.  Pollux grimaced.  That honestly told me everything I wanted to know.  "You don't have to share," I amended.

Pollux was quiet for a long time.

"Both of us.  We got Chiron, and my dad got involved the first time one of us... yeah.  Fortunately, our mental breakdowns had the decency not to happen at the same time." He darkly laughed, fighting back a few tears.

"Do you think his death on the bridge was...?”  I asked nervously.  It wasn’t like I could feel worse, but there are some things I would like to have ignorance about.

"Absolutely not," he said with confidence.  "We both made an oath on the River Styx to not purposely die in that battle unless it was to save someone else.  Either of us losing the other was always going to be hard, but I think it would have hurt more if it could have been avoided.

Switching topics, is Nico planning on visiting you while you are here?  I haven't seen him in over three years."

"Probably not," I said, almost uncomfortably.

"Did you guys have a fight?"  He asked, concerned.

"No.  Just things aren't copacetic between the two of us.  It's nothing that either of us exactly chose.  Nico has some problems that are making my problems worse, and I have problems that I imagine are making his problems worse.  I don't know if he agrees, but for the moment, I don't think it would help anything seeing him.  It's just we both have some issues to work out."

"Ah." He nodded in understanding.  "I'm guessing he isn't doing too hot at the moment."

"No, he isn't.  Did you ever stop feeling after Castor died?”

There was quite a long pause before he answered.  “I…  Well…  Sorta.”  He looked gutted.  “I stopped being able to feel anything other than cold rage and emotional pain.  After Michael died, even trying to cope was just a memory.  I honestly started drinking because I was trying not to kill myself daily, and I wanted a break from having to try so damn hard.”

“Makes sense.  I know you went to rehab and all, but how did you start feeling again?”

“CBT & EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) with a smart therapist.  I thought talking about the fact that I couldn’t feel anything good would make it permanent.  Like the idea of acknowledging the problem would make it worse.  It did the opposite.  Having someone else tell me that this was a normal response to trauma and pain, and it wouldn’t last forever, made things seem possible again.

One of my therapist's suggestions was forcing myself to do positive activities, anything non-destructive, I thought I might eventually like.  Things didn’t change overnight.  After forcing myself to go to a movie with friends every Thursday for 2 months, I laughed at a joke.  After another month, I looked forward to going to the movies because I liked them.

I scheduled 20 minutes a week to call a friend, and I had to stay on the phone for 20 minutes.  One day, I just stopped counting the minutes.  It was like waking up from a really long nap.  It happened slowly, but eventually happened.”

“I can’t feel anything normal.  Positive emotions don’t exist, and negative ones don’t feel like they are registering correctly.  Nico tried to commit suicide two days ago, and I should be sad or angry or confused, but when I try to reach for a feeling, it’s like there’s a glass wall and nothing feels right,” I complained.

“Do you feel anything at all?  Even if it’s small and doesn’t make sense?”  He asked, concerned.

“It gives me a headache and makes me want to vomit.  Those aren’t really feelings,” I said, frustrated.

His look of concern lightened a little.  “It’s a psychosomatic reaction, though, so you aren’t dead inside, just some wires are getting crossed.”

“Depression is a bitch.”  I complained.

Pollux laughed.  “I couldn’t agree more.  Hang in there.  Matthew knows what he is doing.  Things won’t be like this forever.”

“You sure about that?”  I asked, disbelieving.

“I managed to get back from the edge.  You will too.”  He smiled.

“You sound confident.”  I sure wasn’t.

“I’ve done it.  I’ve seen friends do it.  I’ve had many clients do it.  No matter how bleak things seem, there is always a way back as long as you don’t kill yourself.  I know things can get better for you, even if it seems impossible now,” he tried to encourage.

“Thanks.  That sort of helps.”

“I know it sucks, but you aren’t in this alone.  You have plenty of friends who care about you and want you well again.  You aren’t alone.”

“Thanks.”

Notes:

The next chapter is 99% written, and I absolutely love it. It will post on 9/12/2025. As always, I want to hear any thoughts you have on the story!

Summary: Pollux takes over watching Will. They have a discussion about how Pollux dealt with Castor's death. Pollux and Michael were not okay after the deaths of Castor and Lee. They kept each other from killing themselves. Pollux eventually became an acholoic. Nico let Pollux talk to the ghost of Castor, and it pushed him to finally recover. He has been sober for 3 years. Will can no longer feel positive emotions, and Pollux told him about how he recovered from that.

Chapter 113: Avenging Angels

Notes:

So happy to be back. I hope you are having a nice Friday. Enjoy!

Nico's POV:

I went to sleep and found myself in the throne room of the Underworld.

"Son, you wished to speak to me?" Hades said.

"Yes, I have a name of someone I would like you to consider sending to your realm sooner rather than later if you agree," I said respectfully.  He may have been my dad, but he was still the King of the Underworld.

Hades quirked his eyebrow, "Unusual request from you.  Normally, you are content for them to have a horrible afterlife.  I haven't smote a mortal in a while, could be fun.  What's the name?"

"Bradley Eugene Williams, age 43, lives with a woman and minor child in Las Vegas, Nevada."

Hades snapped, and a few sheets of paper appeared in his hand.  He started reviewing them.  As he turned to the second page, without looking up from the sheet, he asked casually, "Slowly or quickly?"  I couldn't help the smile that came to my face.  He was on board.  That monster was going to pay.

After considering, I respond, "I don't think it matters as long as he dies terrified and in excruciating pain." 

Hades looks up and smirks at this.  "I have something in mind that will do nicely.  Would you like me to delay his judgment till you can sit on the panel?"

"Am I allowed to judge if I already want to send him to the Fields or worse?"  Regardless of how much I hated the bastard, the Underworld should be fair.

"You're a good and honest judge.  If he deserves any mercy, I know you will see that he gets it.  Based on this life summary, I doubt he deserves any."

"Still, I would rather someone else judge him.  Even monsters deserve proper justice."

"That choice is one of the many reasons I know you wouldn't give him an unfair sentence.  I do not doubt that he will be at least sent to the Fields of Punishment.  Tartarus is not 100% off the table either.  If you would like, you are most certainly allowed to design his punishment.  You have come up with some very poetic ones in the past."  He said with an approving smile.

"I'll take some time and come up with something appropriate.  How long do I have?"

"Approximately 8 days with the right nurse.  It will take him that long to die," he said with a smirk.

"I’d say poor guy, but I certainly wouldn't mean it.  I'll send you a prayer with my idea."  I felt better knowing this man was going to die, and the child he lived with would be safe from him.

"I saw you're trying to get better.  No matter what happens with that, know I'm proud of you for trying."  He looked sincere.

"Will it be enough?" I asked nervously.

"I'm sorry, but it is too early to tell.  I wish you the best son." He said as the dream dissolved.

----- 8 Days Later in Las Vegas, Nevada-----

Medical Note:

Bradley Williams, age 43, time of death: 1/9 10:43 PM.

The patient presented 8 days ago with fever, headache, nausea, and itchiness. No medications were administered at this time due to a laboratory accident adjacent to the pharmacy that caused medication rationing. 

On day 3, medications were available, but the patient's lawyer, Ms. Alecto, arrived to present paperwork as his medical power of attorney before we could administer any medication.  We were informed that due to Mr. Williams' religious beliefs, he desired not to receive any palliative medications.  The only medications he wanted to receive were to prolong his life.  At this time, he also developed anxiety and hallucinations. 

On day 4, developed paralysis.

On day 5, he started having seizures. 

On day 6, developed extreme aerophobia and hydrophobia. 

On day 8, he died.

The course of the disease was atypical because the patient developed extreme pain and never fell into a coma.

"Hey, Gladius," said a short red-headed nurse.  "What cha doing?"

"Hey, Sherlly.  I'm just finishing the final medical note for Mr. Williams.  He just died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry.  I know that's hard to lose a patient."  Sherlly said sympathetically.

"The only thing to be sad about is that the guy isn't still suffering from extreme aerophobia and hydrophobia," Gladius said with a growl.  In her opinion, he didn’t suffer enough.

"What?!" Sherlly said, shocked.

"Based on his screams and rants while he was hallucinating, he was some kind of child predator.  Don't worry, I didn't do anything unethical.  I just did my best to help him keep fighting for his life as long as possible." Gladius said, smirking.

Sherlly smirked.  "Rabies is a physical and psychological nightmare of a disease.  The survival rate is <1%."

"He could have been that <1%.   I followed the wishes conveyed by his lawyer to the letter.  I gave him medications and treatment to extend his life as long as possible, and nothing to ease his suffering.  This was some part of his religious belief system."  She said with an innocent smile. 

"Monsters like that make me want to believe in hell," Sherlly said.

----Flashback 8 Days-----

Gladius was a demigod.  She recognized Alecto for who she was.  At first, she was terrified and froze, only shaking out of her terror when Alecto handed her a note and left.

Bradley Williams engaged in the human trafficking of 10 minors over 15 years, resulting in 287 additional crimes.  He will die of rabies in horrible pain in 6 days.  No kindness in his care is required.  With the right care, his life may be extended by an extra 2 days of suffering.  You are under no obligation to do so, but it is an option if you wish.

Also, Jimmy Townsend died this morning after inexplicably finding himself in the tiger exhibit at the Bronx Zoo.   Thought you would want to know.

-Hades

When Gladius read the note, she realized Bradley had been put in her care deliberately, and she smiled.  

Her sister is a prosecutor of sex crimes.  She put Jimmy Townsend away for assaulting a minor 18 years ago.  He held a grudge.  When he was released 3 years ago, he ordered two of his criminal minions to beat her and leave her for dead.

While Gladius is currently a law-abiding citizen, it doesn't mean that everyone she associates with is.  As an intercity nurse working in the ER and ICU, she treats a lot of gang members.  Six years ago, two of them showed up at her apartment for a stab wound.  Ever since that happened, gang members who couldn't come to the hospital would frequently show up at her apartment.  She isn't part of any gang, but knows she has favors she can cash in if she needs to.  After she let "slip" that these two thugs beat up her sister on the order of Jimmy, the minions arrived in police custody after they "fell down some stairs."  No one questioned the stab wound or boot marks.

Once her "friends" couldn't find Jimmy, she started hunting.  She came close a few times, but he would be gone by the time she got there.  She knew the legal thing would be to hand him over to the police when she found him, because she would find him, but there were other, more pressing factors to consider.  He was dangerous, and going to prison wouldn’t change that.  If he got the right message to the wrong person, her sister would end up dead.  She was never one to gamble, so a well-planned murder had seemed like the safer option. 

She liked to think she was a good person, but given the right circumstances, she knew she wasn’t above committing murder for the greater good.  She didn’t believe legality and morality were the same thing.  Sometimes in the service of justice, not all hands stay clean, and she had accepted that fact the day she punched her abusive stepfather to protect her sister.  Her sister lived in a world where one wrong did not justify another, and Gladius loved her for it.  Till her dying day, she would protect her sister from the harsh truth that there are necessary evils in this world.  While she could have put Jimmy Townsend in the ground, she was happy that she now wouldn’t have to make the choice.

This man might not have been Jimmy, but if she extended his suffering, she wouldn't lose any sleep at night.  He was a monster, and prolonging his suffering felt like the moral and just thing to do.  Being told she had to follow his medical directive, which guaranteed the slowest, most painful death possible for him, brought some sick, twisted joy to her soul.  If this was the reason she skipped to her car at the end of the day, no one had to know.

-----End of Flashback-----

"I'm not sure Hades is the forgiving type."  Gladius smiled, satisfied in the knowledge that even if the man weren't suffering here, he would indeed be suffering soon.  He didn’t get away with a thing.  The bastard would pay.

Notes:

I found that Bradly's death very satisfying. Did you? What do you think of our morally gray nurse, Gladius? I'm not sure if anyone else wants more of her, but I do. The problem is, I don't know where she would fit into the rest of the story! Also, what do you think Bradley's punishment should be? I'm not sure it will ever come up, but I want ideas.

I think Nico is just purely good and wants to see everyone have proper justice, even if they are evil.

When Hades decides to make someone suffer, he delivers.

Chapter 114: The Break In

Notes:

I hope you are having an excellent Friday. Enjoy the chapter.

Kyle POV:

It had been 9 days since Will left, and I wasn’t exactly enjoying the quiet apartment.  My mental health certainly hadn’t improved by being alone, and I was too exhausted to go out and seek company.  I was trying to figure out if I should eat breakfast when I was interrupted by a knock at the door.  Seeing as I was the only person in the apartment, I went to answer it.  I opened the door and froze, mouth agape.  Standing there was a petite woman with blond hair.

"Is that any way to greet your mother?" She said sweetly.  All I could think was not safe, not safe, not safe.  Before I could regain control of my muscles to shut the door in her face or get my voice to tell her to leave, she pushed past me into the apartment.  After my muscles woke up enough to walk back into my apartment, I saw her sitting on my couch like she was holding court.

This was as dangerous as Tartarus.  I had a violent, deranged woman in my apartment.  As I was walking, I checked the weapons wall to see if anything was missing.  This woman tortured me.  I wasn't taking any chances.

I could feel all of my previously used defense mechanisms kick in.  I created as much space as possible between her and me while putting myself between her and the weapons.  I schooled my face into a neutral expression.  If she couldn't tell what I was thinking, she had less reason to hurt me.

"How have you been?  Take a seat." She said normally, as if she wasn't the reason I had PTSD.

"I'll stand," I managed to say while hearing my heartbeat in my ears.

"I had hoped you would have replied to my last letter."  She said, sounding genuine in her disappointment.

"I haven't replied to the last 82 letters.  Why would I respond to this one?"  I said, doing my best not to dissociate or hyperventilate.

"I'm sorry-"

"Get out," I said, remembering I had a spine.  The edges of my vision were turning black.

"No, not until I've said what I need to say," She said sternly.

Panic. Panic. Panic.  Not safe.  Not safe.  Not safe.  Alone, I'm in the apartment alone with her.  No one knows she's here.  Help isn't coming.  I'm going to die.  

Dropping the sternness that I associated with beatings, she said sweetly, "I'm sorry for the way I raised you.  I get that what I did wasn't okay.  I'm working on making amends.  I also thought you might want to meet your brother.  It would look better for my custody case if it looked like I had family support."  She then set down a piece of paper with an address and time on it.  "Here is when and where my supervised visits are.  You should really come."

The way she raised me wasn't okay?  Wasn't okay!?  The words couldn’t compute.  That bitch was okay with me being tortured for having an eating disorder!  She would hit me across the face if I made her mad.  She told me not to take up space.  I think she hated me for existing.  She was the main trigger for my eating disorder.  She was drunk so much.  I'm pretty sure I gave her Narcan at one point.  I should have let her die.  That absolute monster.  Wait.  When did I start hyperventilating?

My vision was fading in and out.  Just looking at her was triggering.  Is she going to hurt me?

"Get out," I said, out of breath.

"No," she said firmly.  "We haven't properly talked."

"I don't care what you have to say.  Get out."  I couldn't breathe.

That's when it happened.  I saw a flash of anger in her expression.  She looked colder.  Then I recognized that expression.  It was the same expression she had when she would physically abuse me the worst as punishment. My apartment disappeared from view.  I was in the house I grew up in.  No.  No.  No.  No.  No.  Wait, she was saying something.  If I don't pay attention, the beating will be worse.  I was fucking terrified.  If I showed that I was scared, it would be worse.  Don't show emotions ever, not when she screams, not when she threatens, not when she hits.  I could feel all of my emotions except fear shut down.  My feet seemed rooted in place.  I was desperate to hide my hyperventilation.  It wasn't like I hadn't done that before.  You're not here.  You're somewhere else.  You're somewhere safe.  She can't hurt you here.  I could feel everything numb.

As I was dissociating, some part of my brain was trying to think of how to get me out of this alive.  I could hear my thought from earlier, 'No one is coming,’ just like when I was a kid.  You have to save yourself.  Good lord, how?  I tried to pull myself back into the apartment, back to reality.  The flashback faded.  I was still very detached from my surroundings, but I could at least see.

She's not your mother.  She is just a threat in your apartment.  Legion training, start a situation assessment: 8' separation; weapons behind me; lamps near her could count as weapons, but they would be slow; she would get to the kitchen knives before I could; and a narrow hallway between me and the door, fewer fighting options.  I could probably get to my room and shut the door before she could catch me, but it would be risky.  Once I was in there, I would be trapped.  The door could definitely be broken down.  There is nothing in my room that I could use to defend myself with.

I cut off whatever she was saying and said, "Get out."

She stomped her foot and gritted out, "I'm not done."

I spun and grabbed a dagger faster than I thought possible.  I pointed directly at her.  "Get out."

She stood angry.  "How dare you! I came all the way to see you, and this is the thanks I get.  I know you're not going to use that.  You know you're not going to use that.  Set it down so we can both sit over here and talk."  She sat back down, looking like she had won.

I didn't like killing people.  It was a hard enough thing to do in battle, but to do it in my own home was almost unthinkable, almost.  She was absolutely a danger.  If she managed to inject me with a sedative again and capture me, I don't know that I would be able to get out again.  I was excellent at throwing daggers.  It wasn't much use in battle, but it was a valuable skill in this situation.  One warning shot, then I'm going for her throat.

I threw my dagger, and it landed in the wall six inches to the left of her head.  Before the dagger hit its intended target, I spun and grabbed two more daggers.

"Last warning. GET OUT!" I yelled.  She looked visibly frightened.  I never fought back before.  She stood cautiously and started walking to the hallway to the door.  As she crossed the room, I adjusted my position so the distance between us never changed.  The entire time, I had my right dagger waiting to be launched into her chest.  When I heard her leave, I ran to lock the door.

Before I could let go of the lock, I heard her shout, "I'll be back in an hour when you've had time to calm down."

No. No. No. No. No.  This is not happening.  I couldn't get enough air.  My breathing was spreading up to compensate, but it wasn't enough.  Black spots were appearing in my vision.  I could feel my grip on reality loosen.  I felt the warning symptoms of a flashback.  There were even more black spots in my vision because of not getting enough air.  I know there were grounding techniques I should use, but I couldn't think clearly enough to remember them.  I know there were emergency plans for all types of mental health scenarios, but I couldn't remember any of them; the one constant they all had was the option to get help.  If I were passed out or stuck in a flashback by the time she came back, I imagine she would break down the door to get whatever she was after.

I moved as fast as I was physically capable, with the spotty vision and slipping grip on reality, to Will's room.  Cell phones weren't ideal, but this was an emergency, and I didn't have the coordination at the moment to send an IM.  I grabbed Will's emergency cellphone.  Luckily, he had some saved numbers.  I stopped on the first one I recognized and texted Emergency.  My apartment. -Kyle.  Then everything went black.

Notes:

Cliff hanger, I know! Who do you think he texted?

Chapter 115: The Witch Returns

Notes:

Hey guys! Another week in the bag.

Kyle texted me that there is an emergency at his apartment.  Can you meet us there? -Annabeth.

After replying, I left my dorm and sprinted towards Will and Kyle's apartment.  It usually took me 20 minutes to walk there.  I made it in 10.  I didn't see any flames shooting out from the building as I approached, so that was at least a good sign.  When I got to their door, I found Percy looking around seriously and Annabeth picking the lock.

"What's going on?"  I asked Percy.  It seemed as if it was better not to disturb Annabeth.

"There was no answer when we knocked.  Annabeth thought it was a better idea to pick the lock and enter quietly rather than breaking down the door.

"Almost got it." She said, talking to herself.  After another tense 20 seconds, she announced, "Done."

We were silent as we entered.  There didn't seem to be anything that was out of place thus far.  The first warning sign that something was indeed wrong was the dagger sticking out of the wall.  We all seemed to see that piece of information at the same time.

"Percy, check the kitchen.  Jason, check Kyle's room.  I'll check Will's room," She whispered.

Kyle's room was dark when I entered.  It showed no sign of anything unusual.  I had just finished checking the closet when I heard Annabeth yell, "Kyle!  Guys, he's down!"  I briefly looked in Kyle's bathroom to ensure there weren't any lingering threats in my search area before running to Annabeth.

When I entered Will's room, things weren't looking so good.  Kyle was collapsed on the floor with two daggers scattered to his left and Will's cellphone scattered to his right.  Annabeth was checking his pulse.

"Strong pulse," She announced.  She turned him over to check for any injuries and found none.  She gently shook Kyle's shoulder.  "Kyle, wake up."  After about 30 seconds of pleading from Annabeth Kyle opened his eyes.

He sat up so fast that it looked like someone had electrocuted him.  He shuffled himself away till his back hit a wall.  He tucked himself into a ball and tried to protect his neck and head.  We looked at each other, confused.  Annabeth was the most level-headed of the three of us, so we let her lead.  That was a big mistake.  When she took a step towards Kyle, his entire body flinched.  He started mumbling, "No, not again.  No medicine.  I'll do anything.  I won't escape.  I won't tell.  Please don't hurt me."

"Annabeth, step back."  She did as I asked, and I saw Kyle loosen up a small amount.  "Further back."  The farther away Annabeth was, the better Kyle seemed to be.  When she retreated to the living room, Kyle raised his head fully and dropped his hands to hug his knees.

"Kyle, I'm Jason, and that's Percy.  We aren't going to hurt you.  Can I come closer?"

His eyes were unmoving.  It was a bit unnerving.  After a moment, I saw him nod.  I stepped forward cautiously.  I sat in front of him.  I didn't want him to have to work to see me.  I'd seen one of Kyle's PTSD episodes where Will helped before.  That was the only information I had to guide me at the moment.

"Kyle, can I grab your hand?"  Again, I saw a small nod.  "Are you hurt?"  I didn't get any response.  He stared forward, unmoving.  "Buddy, I need an answer.  Squeeze your right hand once for yes, twice for no.  Are you hurt?"  Two squeezes.  "Good, can you see Will's room?"  Two squeezes. Not good.  "Are you seeing somewhere else?"  One squeeze.  With yes or no questions, I wasn't going to get much more detail than that.  I needed some way of pulling him back from wherever he was.  "Can you feel anything?" Two squeezes.  There goes that plan.  "Did something happen?" One strong squeeze.  "Okay, were you in danger?" One squeeze.  "Are you still in danger?"  I figured not, but better to check.  One squeeze.  How could he still be in danger?  I couldn't see any danger.  "Poison?" I guessed. Two squeezes. 

"Percy, check the apartment again for any intruders."  Kyle and I both sat silently until he came back.

"No one is here except us."  He said, confused.

I was trying to think of more questions.  "Did you throw the dagger into the wall?" One squeeze.  "Okay, was someone there?" One squeeze.  "Did they leave?" One squeeze.  Kyle was still in bad shape, and I really didn't have enough information to help. 

"Kyle, can you do anything to tell me what the danger is?"  He sat there for a while.  Then I started feeling him squeeze my hand in what felt like a deliberate pattern.  It took until he was done for me to even figure out what he was doing.  "Was that Morse code?" One squeeze.  Okay, I could work with this.  We were trained to use it in the legion for emergencies.  I hadn't used it since my last proficiency test before the war against Gia, but I would try.  "Okay, start that again, but slower." -- --- --.  There were three letters, with the first and last being the same.  I started running through the alphabet in my head.  Long, long, that's M. Long, long, long, that's O.  "Mom?" One squeeze.  "A letter?" I guessed.  Two squeezes.  "She came here?" One hand breaking squeeze.  This was extremely bad.  "Did she hurt you physically?"  Two squeezes.  Thank the gods.

At this point, the picture was starting to come together.  What I couldn't figure out is how Kyle was still in danger if she left.  "Did she threaten you?"  One squeeze.  Okay, that was at least a starting point.  "Any way to show us what she threatened you with?"  Again, he started using Morse code.  I couldn't keep up with the speed he was going at.  "Wait," He stopped.  "Go one word at a time."  -.-. --- -- .. -. --.  I should have kept up with studying this.  I never imagined I would have to use it again.   There was at least an O and M in that.  "Again?" -.-. --- -- .. -. --.  Okay, C, O from earlier, M from earlier, I, N, G.  "Coming?" One squeeze. -... .- -.-. -.-.  Okay, another one. B-A-N-K.  "Bank?" Two squeezes.  He repeated himself. B, A, ah okay C, K.  "Back? She is coming back?"  One hard squeeze.

"Okay, if that crazy lady is coming back, we need to get you out of here."  Before we could make a plan, there was a knock at the door.  "Annabeth, don't let her in the apartment.  Get her to go away by any means necessary," I shouted. 

Kyle was stiff as a board.  "It's going to be okay.  You're not alone."  I tried to reassure him.

I heard the door open and a lady began to speak, "Oh, hello.  I need to see Kyle."

Annabeth answered sternly, "Never again.  Leave and never come back."

The woman sounded irritated now.  "Young lady, I need to talk to my son.  We have things to discuss.  I need to explain myself.  I want to make amends."  The way she said amends sounded forced somehow.

Annabeth never wavering replied, "He has nothing to discuss with you.  Leave him alone."

I imagine Kyle's mother had gotten tired of arguing because we heard a smack and a yell.  She must have hit Annabeth and forced herself into the apartment.  A moment later, she was standing in the entrance of Will's room.  Kyle was immediately on alert.  He grabbed the daggers on the floor and stood up.  The look of complete blankness was disturbing.  

Percy brought out Riptide, and I stood as I retrieved my gladius from my pocket.  The woman rolled her eyes and dismissed our presence.  "Will you impudent children please leave.  This is a family matter."

"Not going to happen," I said.  This was a bad situation.  We had a mentally unstable woman and four armed war veterans, one of whom I would deem temporarily insane.  It was safest to assume she was armed.  Help and an ambulance on standby would be great about now, but to get that, I needed the phone behind me.  I stepped back and slowly reached for the phone while not looking away from Ms. James.

Slowly, I said, "Ms., I'm dialing the emergency legion number.  It would be in your best interest to leave before they get here."

She smirked.  "Call them.  Then you can explain why you are trying to keep me from my mentally ill son, who needs my help."  Kyle's jaw clenched.

I dialed the number.  "New Rome emergency services.  What is your emergency?"

"There is a mentally unstable intruder who refuses to leave at 200 Cider Creek apartment 4B.  We have good reason to believe she is dangerous.  I also imagine she is armed.  You should also send an ambulance just in case."  I said calmly.  This situation was a ticking time bomb, and I was doing everything I could to not set it off.

"Thank you, legion members have been notified and should be there in 5 minutes.  Could you stay on the line until they arrive?"

"I would prefer not to split my focus at the moment," I said, trying to stay calm.

"Understand, they will be there soon.  Goodbye."  The call ended, and I put the phone in my pocket.

Ms. James looked frustrated.  "Kyle, honey, tell them I mean no harm, and the weapons are a bit much."  Kyle stayed silent.  He still had a blank expression on his face, but I could see in the way his eyes were moving that he was at least mostly present.  After a minute, she plastered on a face of concern.  "Oh, sweetie, are you having one of your episodes?  He isn't well.  He needs my help.  Step aside."  Her voice was sickeningly sweet.

She took a quick two steps forward.  Percy had his sword to her throat, and I moved closer to Kyle.  Things were deteriorating fast.  I just needed to keep the status quo for a few more minutes.

I needed to stall.  I put on my most polite voice and said, "Ma'am, I don't believe we have had the chance to introduce ourselves.  I'm Jason Grace."  My name caused a flash of alarm to cross her face.  "The woman who greeted you is Annabeth Chase, and the man with a sword to your throat is Percy Jackson.  Why don't we all calm down? Ms., can you step back two steps?  After that, Percy will move his sword.  Okay?"

She took one step back and dropped something on the ground.  It looked like a smoke bomb.  Percy dropped.  I saw a weapon move on my right, and then everything went black.

Notes:

Cliff hanger two weeks in a row? I know!

Chapter 116: Well That Hurt

Jason's POV:

I woke up in the observation wing of the ER with a splitting headache.  I groaned.  Annabeth was immediately there with a cup of water in hand.

“Thank you,” I said as she handed it to me.

“Did Kyle’s mom attack us?  Everything is kind of fuzzy after she entered the room.”  My head was swimming.

“Depends on your definition of attack.  She released an aerosolized sedative.  By the time I made it back to Will’s room, you and Percy had already passed out.  Kyle had some sort of tolerance to the sedative because of repeated exposure.  He was somewhat coherent when I entered the room.  The second he saw the mist released, he threw one of his daggers at her.  It hit her square in the stomach.  He was going for her throat.  It was his first miss in three years.  Needless to say, he was pissed about it.  I told him he was drugged and, therefore, could be forgiven.”  She lightly chuckled.  “His mother was still fully conscious; apparently, there was some drug you could take before to counteract the sedative.  She was always planning on attacking Kyle.

When the legion got there, they found a syringe of the sedative in her purse.  There was duct tape and zip cuffs in her car.  Whatever her exact plans were, they weren’t good.

“How is she physically?”  A dagger to the gut could still do a lot of damage.

“She is still in surgery.  She has been there for 3 hours.”

“How are you, Kyle and Percy?”

“Kyle never passed out, but after we were taken to the hospital, he decided to sleep off the sedative.  Even though he has some tolerance, he felt like crap.  He asked that I stay nearby while he slept.  He didn’t go into specifics, but he has a boatload of issues about being drugged against his will.  He didn’t seem too keen on sharing.

Since Percy was closest to the device, he received the largest dose.  He hasn’t woken up but is expected to in a few hours.  Since I wasn’t in the room, I didn’t have really any exposure.  The only injury I have is the slight concussion I have from being slammed into a wall.

“How hard is it to shut up? Some of us are trying to sleep.” I heard Kyle murmur.

Annabeth chuckled softly.  “Sorry,” She continued to whisper.  “Legion members are waiting to take your statements.  They have been coming by every half hour, so they should be back any minute.”

“Did Kyle or the doctors say how much exposure Kyle had to the sedative before?  I didn’t last two seconds, and he never passed out.” I was concerned to say the least.

Annabeth cringed.  “Kyle said that he was regularly drugged for two years.  He didn’t elaborate further.”

I sat there contemplating the implications of that until the two legion officers came by.  I relayed what happened after I got to the apartment to the best of my abilities.

“What is going to happen to Kyle’s mom?”  I asked one of the officers.

“Based on the testimony of Mr. James and yourself, she will be charged with breaking and entering, assault, possession of illegal drugs, and attempted kidnapping.  Her assigned lawyer has brought up concerns about her competency to stand trial.  She is going to be given a psychological evaluation tomorrow.  As long as she passes, everything should proceed as normal.”  The short girl said.

“If she doesn’t pass?”  Annabeth asked.

“That becomes a little more complicated.  Once she is deemed mentally unfit, a guardian will be assigned to her to make all legal decisions.  Kyle, as her closest relative, would normally be granted guardianship.  He has already been informed of the situation and has requested that New Rome assign her a guardian.  From there, a decision will be made as to the most appropriate place to send her.”  The taller boy said.

“How does this all affect Kyle’s brother’s situation?”

“Now that we have been made aware of the situation, a social worker is working on transferring jurisdiction of Brock James’ custody to New Rome.  While it’s not a guarantee her parental rights will be terminated, it is the most likely outcome.  Brock will then be placed in a foster home here in New Rome.  Kyle is too young to be able to take custody of his brother by New Roman law,” The girl said.

“Do you have any other questions for us?”

“Will we be alerted if there is a trial?” I asked.

“As the victims, you have a right to be there, so yes.” The boy said.

“No other questions,” I said, and the officers left.  Addressing Annabeth, I asked, “So is there some kind of plan here?  When do we get to go home?”

“The three of you are here until tomorrow for observation.”  I suddenly felt nauseous.  Annabeth handed me a bowl of some sort before I got sick.  “They want to keep an eye on things like that.  The doctor said that was a possibility.”  I felt miserable now. “Get some sleep.  I think it will help.”

-----Next Day-----

I was awake the next morning when a doctor and a lawyer from the prosecutor's office came by to talk to Kyle.

“I’m Dr. Weathers, and this is Catherin Scott from the prosecutor’s office.  Mr. James, we just finished the psychological evaluation of your mother.”  Dr. Weathers said.

“And?”  He asked quietly.

“She was deemed competent to stand trial.”  Kyle looked like he was going to be sick.  He grabbed a notebook and a pen beside his bed and started writing.  When he was done, he handed it to the lawyer.

“When will the trial be? So, Ms. James has already had her lawyer plead no contest.  There will not be a trial.”  Kyle was shaking.  He took the notebook back, scribbled another question, and handed it back to Ms. Scott.

“When is the sentencing?  What is the recommended sentence?   Since she pleaded no contest, there isn’t a sentencing trial.  She has already been sentenced.  Based on her psychological evaluation, she fully understood her crime and what a trial would mean.  That made her competent to stand trial.  She doesn’t understand how her behavior was wrong.  While she had a diagnosed mental disorder, Dr. Weathers believes it was an incorrect diagnosis.”  Ms. Scott stated.

“Her behavior and beliefs line up with antisocial personality disorder.  It isn’t a common diagnosis.  She feels no remorse for actions that negatively impact others.  She sees apologies as a way of getting someone to do what she wants.  Her behaviors are manipulative.  She only cares about actions as far as they affect her.  She is incapable of empathy.”  Dr. Weathers interjected.

Kyle looked like someone had stolen his air.  “We have every reason to believe, based on her diagnosis and recent behavior, that she remains extremely dangerous.  Rehabilitation also seems unlikely.  Any perceived behavior change will most likely be a manipulation.  She is being sentenced under the ‘Likely to Pose Continued Danger Act.’”  Holy Crap!  I’ve never heard of anyone being sentenced under that law.

Kyle stole the notebook back immediately.  I saw the text as he handed it back.  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?

Ms. Scott let out a sigh.  “The law removes the maximum sentence for a crime committed by those deemed unable to be rehabilitated, as long as the crime committed endangers public safety.  She is being sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole and is exiled.  She has no powers, so she will be placed in a maximum-security prison run by the State of California.  With good behavior, she may be transferred to a medium security prison.  She will not be transferred to New Rome, though.”

Kyle looked numb.  I heard him quietly say, “It’s over.”

“Do you have any other questions?”  Ms. Scott asked.

Kyle shook his head.  I’m so glad that Kyle never had to see that monster again.

Notes:

Thoughts? I love comments!

Chapter 117: The Notebook of Despair

Jason's POV:

We were released from the hospital 2 hours ago.  I went home with Kyle because it seemed best not to leave him alone.  5 minutes after we finished lunch, I heard the sound of someone reaching in Kyle's bathroom.  I rushed over from the kitchen and tried knocking.

"Kyle, are you alright?" I asked nervously.  When he didn't answer, I tried the doorknob.  It was unlocked.  The sight that met me broke my heart.  Kyle was leaning over the toilet with his fingers shoved down his throat.  I knew his eating disorder was back, but seeing it hit me differently.  I quickly walked over to Kyle and put one arm around his shoulder, and used the other to pull his arm away.  "Kyle, you don't need this." I tried to say comfortingly.

After catching his breath, he brushed off my arm and brushed his teeth.  After he finished, he looked awful.  I wrapped my arm around him and led him to the couch in the living room.  I tucked him in with a blanket and sat beside him.

"We don't have to talk about what I just interrupted, but if you want to talk, I'm here."  We sat in silence for a few minutes until it was obvious to me that he wasn't in the mood to talk.  I turned on a movie we watched for a while.  About halfway through the movie, Kyle paused the movie and went into his room.  I sat there confused for a minute till he returned.  He was carrying a spiral notebook and silently handed it to me.  He went back to his place beside me, but was cradling his head in his hands, looking devastated.  This wasn't too dissimilar to an interaction I had with a legion member a few years ago, and I had a sinking feeling it was going to come to a similar conclusion.

-----Flashback-----

I just finished the quarterly mental health awareness seminar.  It was a whole presentation that talked about warning signs for mental health problems, who to report problems to, and what help could look like.  It didn't matter that I was the person who pushed for these; every time, it was hard on me.  It always reminded me of those who needed help, and those I was too late to help.  It made for an emotionally draining day.

I was sitting on the bench outside by the fountain when Kaylee walked up.  She was out of her armor, which was unusual, carrying a backpack, and had a bandage around her arm that I knew wasn't there last night.  She had been avoiding talking to me for a few weeks now, so it was a relief to see her actually approaching me instead of the other way around.

"How are you holding up?  I know today would bring up bad memories." She said as she sat beside me, seeming distracted.

"Not worse than usual.  Nothing I can't handle."

After I replied, we sat in silence.  She was sitting up uncomfortably straight on the bench beside me, looking straight ahead.  She was stock still.  She was never still unless she was extremely uncomfortable or scared.  From experience, I knew it was best to wait for her to break the silence because she was the one who came to me.  She eventually opened the bag and grabbed a piece of paper before setting the bag down beside her.  She still didn't look at me and grabbed the bottom of the bench so hard her hands turned white.  I heard her let out a sigh.  Then she handed me the piece of paper without turning to look at me.  I had a bad feeling as I opened the paper.

I need psychological help.

I felt a rock in my stomach.  I had dealt with approximately a dozen legion members who came to me asking for help over my time as a centurion and praetor, but this was the first time a close friend had.  Kaylee and I grew up together.  I can't remember a time when I didn't know her.  This note made me absolutely sick because if she was asking for help, things were 100% off the rails.

It took me longer than it should have to compose myself.  There was a protocol for a voluntary request for help.  Right now, the best thing I could do for her is follow it.

I stood up and grabbed my phone.  "I need to make a call," I said.  The strain was obvious in my voice.  I made the call once I was far enough away to not be overhead, but close enough that I could still see Kaylee.

"Psychiatric department, this is Wendy." 

"Wendy, this is Praetor Grace.  I have an officer in need of an immediate evaluation."  Keep it together and professional.

"Alright, let me see what I can do."  There was a pause.  "Can you give me any other information about what the person needs to be seen for?"

"No.  They were rather vague about what the problem was."

"Alright.  Unfortunately, I don't have any office appointments for the next 3 days.  You have two options.  If they don't want to elaborate on what the problem is, take them to the ER.  The physician there can judge the severity of the problem and act accordingly."

"Option 2?"

"If they tell you what the problem is, and you know they should be admitted, you can take them straight to the front desk of the psych ward.  They can handle intake from there.  If you are unsure at all, take them to the ER."

"Can you give me examples of issues they should be admitted for?"  I had a fair idea, but I wanted all the information I could have.

"Suicide attempt, suicidal ideation with means and a plan, life-threatening self-harm, severely underweight from an eating disorder, and hallucinations, audio or visual."

"You've been very helpful.  Thank you."

"Goodbye, Praetor Grace."

I walked back to Kaylee and joined her on the bench.  She was still staring off into the distance and white knuckling the bench.  "So, I just talked to someone from the psych department.  Since there are no appointments today, we either have to go to the ER or directly to psych intake.  If you want to tell me what's going on, I can make the call as to where we should go.  If you would rather keep things between you and your doctor, I totally understand.  I would take you to the ER and wait in the waiting room till you and your doctor create a plan.  What's it going to be?"  I asked a little nervously.

After a minute of silence, she unwrapped her left forearm and held it out to me.  There was a 7-inch diagonal cut across the inside of her arm.  I could feel a chill go down my spine.  If we weren't having this conversation, I would have assumed it was a training accident.  She was no longer looking out blankly, but hanging her head in shame.  

The injury narrowed down my suspicions about what the problem was.  There weren't exactly many options that involved injuries, and all the ones that did terrified me.

I swallowed.  "I can make an educated guess here, but I can't afford to be wrong.  I'm going to need some words."  I said gently. While brushing up against her arm with my shoulder, trying to get her to look at me.  She methodically rewrapped her arm.  Then she started shaking her head, and I noticed tears running down her face.  "Morse code, ASL, a piece of paper, anything, just let me help," I said.

After her tears stopped falling, she raised her head and shut her eyes, as if to brace herself for what was to come, and nodded.  She started slowly, finger spelling.

SUICIDE ATTEMPT

I stopped breathing. No. No. Oh gods, no.  I closed my eyes and put all of my effort into staying calm.  I was shoving my fist against my mouth so I wouldn't immediately start sobbing.  This was the girl who sang me lullabies when I couldn't sleep as a toddler, and she didn't want to be here anymore.

Every officer went through training to be able to handle this exact situation, and right now, I couldn't remember any of it except 'don't panic.' 

I wrapped one of my arms around her and turned to rest my head on her shoulder.  Once I was sure I could control my voice, I whispered.  "I love you.  You're as good as family.  It would wreck me if you were gone.  I'll get you some help."  She turned to me and gave me a full hug and started to sob. 

It took a while for both of us to calm down.  Once that happened, I remembered it was my job to make sure she got help, and that meant doing something.  "Do you know what happens next?"

She sighed, "Yeah. 72- hold in the Mental Health Facility, maybe longer.  The idea of privacy will be a distant memory."  She sounded defeated.

"It won't be as bad as you think." I tried to say reassuringly.

She looked at me flatly.  "Ever been sectioned?"

"No.  Have you?" I rebuffed.

"No, but it certainly doesn't sound like a good time.  I'm terrified,"  she said with a humorless laugh.

I wrapped my arm around her, trying to provide some comfort in this sad situation.  "You knew when you handed me that piece of paper, this was the only way it was going to end."

"Yeah, I did." She said sadly.

"Why did you come to me if you knew I was going to commit you? Don't get me wrong, I'm completely grateful you did, but if you were terrified of the guaranteed outcome, why?" I ask, curious.

"Because maybe some part of me doesn't want to die."  She said with a small smile.  Maybe everything was going to be okay.

-----End of Flashback-----

I assumed since I was handed the notebook, I had permission to read it and turned to the first page.  The first page was dated December 28th.  It was followed by a list of everything he ate, including calorie amounts, the exercise he did, and his weight for that day, and the number of times he purged.  I hadn't even read anything else, and I was already hitting a ten on the concerned scale.  Before starting to read the paragraphs following the list, I leafed through the other pages.  They all started the same way, only some of them had other information.  I didn't even read any of the numbers yet, and I could feel my heart sinking somewhere into my stomach.

12/28

Sara caught me.

12/31

Visited Nico.  I don't even want to talk about that here.

1/4

Today fucking sucked.  Dr. Smith is leaving, and this was our last appointment.  She gave me information about contacting another therapist, but I don't want to.  I cheated on my physical.  I wore ankle weights, 10 lb. total.  Nico is going to be pissed if he finds out. The only good thing about this is that there is no one to enforce the two-week get my shit together rule.  Without a professional on my tail, I should be able to get away with this.  I know better, but everything seems so fuzzy and confusing.

1/7

Tried to IM Will.  He didn’t seem to be mentally there.  I’m worried.

1/8

No therapist.  No one to send me to the hospital.

1/10

My mom tried to fucking kidnap me!  She actually drugged me.  What the hell?  I didn't eat anything while staying at the hospital.  Too easy to brush it off as not wanting to eat after being drugged.

I then read the weight on the last entry.  I didn't need to be a health professional to know it was too low, like how the Hades did I not notice, too low.  Based on these numbers, things went downhill quickly.  He didn't have any extra weight to begin with.

I kept looking through the notebook, trying to come to some other conclusion than that my friend was extremely unwell.  After I realized there was no other conclusion to be found, I just sat in silence, trying to wrap my head around this.  

I must have been quiet for too long because Kyle finally broke the silence.  "Are you going to say anything?"  His posture had changed from when he first gave me the notebook.  Now he was leaning back against the couch, arms crossed, with a look of profound shame on his face.

I gave him a side hug.  No matter how many times I dealt with a situation like this, it never got any easier.  "I'll get you some help.  I have a call to make."  He grabbed my arm and looked panicked.  "It's going to be okay," I reassured.  "You gave this to me because you wanted me to do something about it.  It took real courage to hand this over, and I'm proud of you.  I need to go make that call."

He let go and nodded.

I stood up and walked out the door to the common hall.  I stared at Kaylee's number.  I'd been dodging her calls for six weeks, and if I could, I would do that for longer.  Letting Kyle get help as discreetly and immediately was worth having to face the music.  I pressed the button.  On the third ring, she answered.

"Six weeks, Grace.  Six weeks!  Do you know how worried I've been?"  She was pissed.

I swallowed.  This was for Kyle.  "I need a favor."

There was silence on the line.  "The last favor I did for you ended up with me sedating you for your own safety."

"I know, and I know we should talk about that, but can you hear me out before you say no?"

"Fine," She grumbled.

"I have a friend who needs a psychiatric eval and physical today.  I know it's short notice, but is there any way to do this discreetly?  I don't want to have him have to go through the ER."

"For a friend, Grace?  If it's for you, you could just tell me.  I would be relieved.   I can arrange something discreet for you, possibly off-book if you insist.  You know I'm the last person who would judge you for getting the help you need."  She said desperately.

"It is for a friend."  I insisted.

She let out a disappointed sigh.  "You can read these situations pretty well.  What do you think the primary issue is?"

"Eating disorder of some kind."

"With this little notice, I'm not sure what I can do, but let me check."

There was a lot of keys clicking and a lot of waiting, but then she said, "Your friend should see Dr. Miller or Dr. Rice.  They both specialize in eating disorders.  Neither one has an opening this afternoon.  Dr. Larson has an opening, but her specialty is PTSD, and she doesn't do emergency evaluations for unestablished patients.  There are two options here.  You could take your friend to the ER, and the on-call doctor will make the call as to whether he should be admitted or not.  The second option is that I call in my favor from Dr. Miller to stay late and do an emergency evaluation for your friend.  He will do it because he owes me big time for a personal favor I did for him."

"That would be amazing! Thank you!"  I felt instantly better.

"Don't thank me just yet.  If I am going to call in a favor, you have to do something for me."

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" That good feeling left.

"Not at all, but it is for your own good.  If I get Dr. Miller to make an extra appointment today, you have to go to the 2 pm appointment with Dr. Larson."

I had to pause for a moment before responding.  "That's dirty.  Using my care for my friend against me," I wanted to guilt her into dropping the requirement.

"That's exactly why I'm doing this now, so you won't refuse.  You scared the shit out of me.  I'm willing to fight dirty if it means keeping my friend sane.  I know you won't talk to your friends about it or get a therapist on your own.  You will hold it in till it kills you if someone doesn't intervene."

"I've done the whole therapist thing.  Not eager to repeat that experience."  I internally shuddered.

"Not every therapist clicks."

"You don't understand.  He's in jail now."  I said, shaking.

After a long pause, she responded, "Are you going to elaborate on that?"

I gritted my teeth.  I had no desire to talk about this, but I needed her help.  "I... He... Fuck..."

She cut me off quickly, "You don't need to say anything more.  If you're cursing, whatever happened was bad and traumatic as Hades.  Not every therapist is evil.  I've worked with Dr. Larson for years.  I trust her, and you know I'm excellent at detecting bull shit.   I wouldn't be pushing this so hard if I didn't think it was critical to your safety that you talk to someone."

Realizing I wasn't going to get her to change her mind, I said, "Fine.  Make the appointments."

"Psychiatric wing level four at two.  See you then."

Oh, the things we do for our friends.

Notes:

What do you guys think happened with Jason?

I'm going to skip next week's post to try to get a chapter posted on the story Recovery Under the Sea. Next post 10/24/2025!

Chapter 118: Why Are You Making Me Do This?

Jason's POV:

Kyle and I were sitting in the psych department waiting room.  I was having a quiet panic attack.

Kaylee poked her head out the door.  “Jason, time for your appointment.”

I started shaking.  I couldn’t keep up the pretense of being close to fine.  I couldn’t move and just stared at my shaking hands. 

Kyle placed his hand on my shoulder.  “Are you okay?”

“No,” My voice shook as I responded.  “I can’t do this.” 

Kaylee had walked over at some point during this exchange. She was kneeling down on the floor, so she was in my line of sight.  “I know you hate this, but you need help.  If you end up in the position I was because I didn’t force the issue when I knew you were hurting, I’ll never forgive myself.”  She was a good friend.  “Tell me exactly what about the situation is causing you to panic.  I don’t need the reason, just the problem.” 

I took a few steadying breaths.  “I can’t be alone in a room with an unknown adult.”

I felt Kyle squeeze my shoulder.  “It’s okay.  Everyone has something.  I can go with you so you aren’t alone.”  I considered the idea.  The downside was that Kyle would hear anything I shared.  As if hearing my thoughts, Kyle said, “I can keep my mouth shut.  Whatever is going on, I’ve probably seen or done worse.  You aren’t going to scare me off.”  It was that statement that made up my mind.

“Okay, let's go.”  The shaking didn’t stop, but I was able to walk.

Dr. Larson’s office looked homey and organized.  It set my teeth on edge.  There were two seating options, a love seat and a pair of generic chairs.  I went and sat on one of the latter, and Kyle followed my lead.

“I usually sit in the armchair over there.  Would it make you more comfortable if I sat behind my desk?”

I must have been radiating discomfort.  “Yes, please.”

“I’ll do that then.”  She gave a polite, professional smile.  “I’m Dr. Larson.  I’m 35.  I graduated from NRU.  I specialize in treating PTSD, and I have powers that help plants grow.  My powers aren’t exactly relevant, but most people ask.” She seemed kind, but that didn’t mean anything.

“I’m Jason Grace,” I said with my voice still shaking.

“I’m Kyle James.  I’m just here as support.”

“So, I always start with new clients by going over the rules.  Would that be okay?” She said kindly.

“Yeah.”  There were rules?

“What you say in here stays here, with very few exceptions.  Those exceptions are abuse of a minor or an elder, or you have intentions to cause yourself or others harm.  If I see you outside of treating you, I won’t acknowledge that we know each other unless you do first.  Anything unclear?”

“No.”  Didn’t sound too bad thus far.

“Okay.  Kaylee informed me that she was forcing you to be here today.  I will not tell her anything that we talk about now or in the future if you decide to come back.  We can talk as much or as little as you like.  Would you like me to run the session as I normally would, or do you wish for a book to read as you wait for the time to run out?  I understand the need to appease a friend, but I don’t want you to share anything you are not comfortable with.”  Being given the option to skip talking entirely calmed me significantly.

“I’m not sure I’m okay with the idea of talking to someone.  I believe in the concept, but my last therapist was… unprofessional.”  Her eyebrows shot up.  “I don’t want to talk about that, really.  I’m fine with the idea of running the session as you normally would.”

“Okay, I would normally ask why you are here.  Since I know you are here at the urging of Kaylee, why does she think you need to be here, and do you agree?”

“There was a situation six weeks ago.  I had a panic attack.  I don’t know what set it off, but I couldn’t calm down.  After 30 minutes, I called Kaylee to come try to help.  In the end, she gave me a sedative so I didn’t scrape the skin of my arm.  After she did that, I was able to calm down.”

“Do you commonly have panic attacks?”  She asked attentively.

“Yes.”  Yes or no questions were the best.  Simple answers.

“Do you commonly engage in self-injurious behaviors to cope?”  She asked pointedly.

I changed my mind.  Yes or no questions could go burn in The Fields.  I could feel my vocal cords tightening.  I couldn’t say anything.  Somewhere, part of me knew the truth, but the only thoughts about the issue I had were denial.  That denial was a lie, and I always knew it was.  I refused to think about it long enough to confront the issue. 

My silence must have been answer enough.  Kyle put a comforting hand on my shoulder and gently said, “Saying it out loud isn’t going to change whatever the problem is.”

“Jason, you don’t have to answer, but we aren’t moving on until you do.”  Dr. Larson said patiently.  She gave off the impression that she could wait me out forever if needed.

I struggled to make my vocal cords work. “Yes,” I was finally able to force out of my mouth.

“Alright, what type of injuries, and do you have any currently?”  She asked professionally.

Answering these questions was torture.  “Causing bruises.”  I pushed up my left sleeve to my elbow to show her the current damage.

“Is that the extent of the injuries?”  She asked professionally.

“It continues up my arm,” I mumbled.

“How long have you had a self-harm problem?” She asked calmly.

“It’s not self-harm.  I didn’t break the skin,” I excused quickly.  I wouldn’t confront that monster.

“Regardless of the label, the problem is that you are causing harm to yourself at all.  You were Praetor Grace, correct?”

“Yes,” I said, confused at the topic change.

“Before meeting a client, if I have time, I search all of our available records for mentions of said person, even if it isn’t in relation to their own care.  You are listed as the admitting person for 7 different cases.  Two of those cases weren’t what would be called traditional cutting self-harm.  You are mentioned in 15 other referrals for psych care with a wide variety of issues, many of those being self-harm.  You also should have been given extensive training about spotting the warning signs of psychological problems as a centurion.  If I ask a blunt/rude question, would you find that counterproductive?  Some people respond better to blunt truths, and some respond better to tact.”

I sighed.  “Being blunt/rude will probably be more efficient.”

“Okay, are you being deliberately dense, or are you really that uninformed?” She asked in an unoffensive way, somehow.

I knew.  I had always known.  I didn’t want to face what I had resorted to.  I’d given Will crap about cutting when I was just the same and just as addicted.  Being forced to confront this issue was my own personal nightmare, but there wasn’t anything to gain by lying to myself anymore.

“Deliberately dense.  I have a self-harm problem.”  The humbling statement was a major blow to my pride.

“For how long?”  She didn’t seem bothered.

“Three months,” I mumbled.  The shame I had been avoiding was hitting me full force now.

“Any prior history?”

“No,”

“I’m guessing no one outside this room knows?”

“That would be correct.”  This whole conversation was making me feel a bit sick.

She glanced at the clock on the wall.  “Unfortunately, we are out of time.  I know we weren’t able to cover much.  I would like to see you again next week for an hour session.  Is that something you would like as well?”

I guess this wasn’t the worst experience.  “I could try another week.”

“Great! I look forward to working with you.  Before then, I would like you to share with two people in your inner circle what is going on with you.  I imagine you don’t have a support system that would have the right information to help you when you needed it.”

“Not happening,” I pushed back.  Telling two people I was a hypocrite was not happening.

She gave me an evaluating look.  “I’ll compromise to one.  If you don’t follow through on things I assign you, this won’t work.  I’m not here to waste time.  Three skipped homework assignments in 6 months, and you need to find a new therapist.  If there is ever an assignment you think you cannot do, tell me like you just did.  Usually, we can find a compromise.  So is one doable?”

“Yes,” I grumbled, not looking forward to this at all.

“I’ll see you next week then.”

 

Notes:

Thoughts on Jason?

How would you guys feel about getting a short look into an alternative universe where Will does ask for help after getting raped?

Edit 10/30/2025: Hey guys, the next chapter is going to need to be delayed by a week. I'm too sick to finish it on time. I hope you have a good week.

Chapter 119: I Think This Counts a Square -1

Notes:

The chapter is late, but it is here!

After I finished with Dr. Larson, we decided to wait in the cafeteria.  I got a burrito, and Kyle ordered a small salad.  I knew it wasn’t enough, but now wasn’t the time to push.  We ate in silence.  I had just been taken to task by Dr. Larson, and I was wallowing in the shame.  I didn’t even know what to say to Kyle.

After five minutes of silent eating, Kyle spoke up.  “We don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here if you want to.”

“Thanks...  It wasn’t 2 weeks ago that I was lecturing Will about how harmful self-harm was.”  I leaned back my head and let out an exasperated sigh.  “The level of hypocrisy.”

“I know the feeling.”  He let out a small chuckle.  “Regardless of how well or how horrible you were doing at the time, what you said needed to be said.  I know there is the whole pot and kettle thing, but it doesn’t actually matter if it came from you or someone else; it was good advice.” He said understanding.

“How much shit is Will going to give me when he finds out?  I know how this whole thing works.  Once someone knows, eventually all of our friends know.  Will and Annabeth will know once I tell Percy and Nico.  Annabeth will eventually tell Thalia, and Thalia will tell Reyna.”  I was beginning to feel sick again.  Talking to Thalia and Reyna was a whole different level on confession I was not ready for.

“Percy and Nico know how to keep their mouths shut when they need to.  Hades, Nico kept the two camps from knowing about each other for more than half a year.”  Kyle countered.

“I know they can, but I don’t want to ask them to keep secrets from their significant others.”

“You are one of the best people I know,” he said kindly.

I gave a small smile.  “Thanks.”

“Will won’t give you shit for this.  He will give you a lot of shit for doing other things, like not sleeping, but not this.  He knows all too well what it’s like.”  Kyle said compassionately.

We sat silently till it was almost time for Kyle’s physical.  He was staring down at his half-eaten salad when he said, “I can’t do this.  I know you just sat through a therapy appointment you were forced into to get me this appointment, but I can’t.  I’m sorry.” He stood up and tried to walk away.  He got two steps before I caught him and turned him around.

“I’m not being dramatic in the slightest when I say, based on your journal, you will kill yourself if someone doesn’t intervene.  If I let you walk out the door, that’s on my conscience.  You asked for help because your eating disorder is out of control, and you know it.  I'm not letting you out of the building till you talk to someone.  Now what specifically is freaking you out?”  I wasn’t going to let him leave no matter what.

“I don’t do well with new people, even more so when talking about this.  My last therapist, it took me three sessions to get me to say a sentence out loud.  I have selective mutism that has gotten better over the years, but stress makes me lock up.”  He was nervously fidgeting.

“I know this sucks, but you don’t really have a choice.  Maybe you could write things down?  I imagine he has dealt with things like this before,” I said, trying to provide some solution.

"Fine.  If I have to go through this, you are coming with me,” he said through gritted teeth.

-----

 Dr. Miller’s office was a bit more sterile than Dr. Larson’s office.  It put me at ease, but I could tell it did nothing for Kyle.  Dr. Miller introduced himself.  When Kyle didn’t talk, I introduced myself instead.  “Hello, I’m Jason.  I’m here for moral support.”

Kyle started writing in his notebook and ripped out a piece of paper, handing it to Dr. Miller.  He read it and then responded with a kind smile.  “It’s a pleasure to meet both of you.  Please sit.  Kyle, I’ll summarize what I know thus far.  You were a client of Dr. Smith's.  She was helping you deal with problems related to bulimia, OCD, PTSD, and dissociative episodes.  Now I haven’t reviewed all of Dr. Smith’s notes, so I don’t really have any context for these things.  I did read the last few visit summaries, though, so I’m aware you have been dealing with a relapse with your eating disorder.”  Kyle nodded.  “How can I help?”

Kyle looked lost and panicked.  He gave me a look that clearly said, ‘Help me.’

“Kyle told me earlier that he has selective mutism, and it gets worse when he is stressed.”  I tried to explain.

Dr. Miller didn’t seem phased.  “It’s okay.  I’ve seen this before.” He said before turning his attention back to Kyle.  “Would it be possible for you to write down your answers?”  Kyle nodded.  “This appointment was listed as an emergency psychological/physical evaluation.  Can you tell me why you were concerned enough to make an emergency eval. appointment?” 

Kyle fidgeted uncomfortably.  He turned to a blank page and picked up his pen, and placed it back down several times.  He eventually wrote; Things are out of control.

“Can you please elaborate on that?” He asked patiently.

He shook his head and handed the notebook over to Dr. Miller.  He took the notebook with raised eyebrows. “Would you like me to read this?”

Kyle meekly nodded.  Dr. Miller read through the notebook carefully, reviewing it several times.  Once he was done with the notebook, he handed Kyle a few forms.  “Please fill this out.”  Dr. Miller turned away from Kyle and started typing something on the computer.  Whatever he looked up, he spent quite a while reading.

Dr. Miller turned his attention back to Kyle.  "Kyle, are the numbers in this journal accurate?"  Kyle nodded.  He looked ashamed.  "Do you know what your weight was before this relapse?"

Kyle motioned for the notebook.  When Dr. Miller handed it back, Kyle wrote down a number and returned it.

"You were having trouble maintaining a proper weight before the relapse?"  Kyle looked confused and cocked his head to the side.  "I'm guessing this wasn't intentional then.  The weight you gave is several pounds under the minimum weight for your height.  At a minimum, we are going to need to talk to a nutritionist so you can maintain your weight once you gain it back."  I saw every muscle in Kyle tense.  Dr. Miller noticed it too.  His expression turned more compassionate.  "I know gaining weight can be terrifying or upsetting, but it's necessary."  Kyle gave a hesitant nod and handed back the filled-out forms.

After Dr. Miller read the forms, he began to speak.  "Kyle, I know in the past you were diagnosed with bulimia, but that diagnosis doesn't seem to be accurate anymore."

"What?" Kyle managed to whisper.

Dr. Miller smiled at the fact that Kyle said anything.  The smile dropped as he continued his explanation.  "Based on your journal's food log and the answers you gave on the questionnaire, a more accurate diagnosis would be anorexia."  Kyle didn't react.

"I have another concern.  The weights you recorded in your journal indicate a weight loss that doesn't make sense, even for someone with anorexia.  Your lab values are all over the place, and I can't rule out organ damage without further tests.  Your antidepressant shouldn't contribute to weight loss.  Is there anything you aren't telling me, because these numbers don't make sense?"  Dr. Miller seemed worried.

Kyle squirmed, then nodded.  When he spoke, it was barely audible.  "Weight loss pills."

I was glad I had practiced schooling my reaction in front of the Senate, so Kyle was none the wiser about my feelings.  I know it was the wrong and hypocritical reaction, but the first thing I felt was rage.  How dare he do that to himself when he had so many people who cared about him!  Yes, I could see the hypocrisy.  Once the rage settled, the fear it was trying to hide kicked in.  He was further gone than any of us knew, and he was damn good at hiding it.  What would have happened if I hadn't caught him purging after lunch?  How close did we come to disaster?

As my feelings simmered down to mere sorrow, Dr. Miller spoke, "Even with your selective mutism, we have been able to at least establish the simple facts of the situation.  Normally, I would like quite a bit more information about your mental status before I made this kind of call, but the facts paint a rather dire picture.  Your physical condition is… concerning, and your current weight is life-threatening.  This requires immediate corrective action for your health.  You are going to be checked into the medical psych ward with a feeding tube."  Kyle looked agitated.  "I'm aggressive in my treatment plans, but have the numbers to back it up.  If you disagree with this decision, there are ways to protest it.  Any staff member in the ward can give you that information.”

“Feeding tube?” Kyle asked softly.

“You need a steady influx of calories immediately, more than what you would eat in a typical day, even if you were eating regular meals.  Also, having a feeding tube will ensure that you are getting what your body needs even if you can’t mentally force yourself to eat yet,” He said simply.

“Okay,” Kyle agreed.

“I’ll call someone down to walk you to psych intake.”

I hoped Kyle would be alright.

Notes:

Next Update is on the 14th. Other stories may or may not update in the meantime. I'm having problems getting the plot together at the moment with this story.

So what did you guys think of the chapter?

Chapter 120: Everyone Needs a Support System

Notes:

So early update! I was too in love with this chapter to sit on it for a week.

Jason's POV:

I was pacing outside Percy and Annabeth’s apartment.  I didn’t really want to do this.  If I were going to open up to anyone, though, it would be Percy and/or Nico.  They were like my brothers, and I could trust them with anything.  That fact still didn’t erase how much I didn’t want to do this.  I guess I didn’t have to do this.  Therapy wasn’t required, but was I really happy living like this?

I wasn’t happy.  I was miserable.  If I carefully worded things, maybe I could escape the conversation without Percy learning about my self-harm.  I internally cringed.  The term was accurate, but the words were loaded.  I hadn’t even given myself time to process that what I was doing was self-harm.  Somewhere, I had always known that, but it being stated as a fact was a whole different ballgame.

Had I really been depressed enough that hurting myself seemed like the answer?  I hadn’t thought I was depressed, but that didn’t eliminate the possibility.  Things had been rotten lately, I’d admit.  I wasn’t happy, but had I become depressed?  I’d been sad and perpetually pissed off recently.  I couldn’t get out of bed to save my life some mornings.  I’d been relying more and more on self-harm to get through the day.  Okay, maybe this is a problem.

Even if Percy did figure out I had a self-harm problem, he wouldn’t judge.  I was the first person he called after his last suicide attempt, and I was part of his current safety plan.  It’s not like mental health was a topic we never talked about.  We just didn’t talk about my issues much.

Percy is loyal to a fault.  He isn’t going to abandon me just because of a problem.  Trying to talk myself into doing this wasn’t working as I had hoped.  I was no more at ease than when I got here.  “Suck it up, Grace,” I muttered to myself as I forced myself to walk to the door and knock.  I was going to at least try.

Percy opened the door.  "What are you doing here?  I thought you were keeping an eye on Kyle."  He said, confused.

I let out an exasperated sigh, "Can you please just let me in?  It's been a shitty day, and I need to rest, vent, and maybe ask for some help."  Percy steps aside, and I walk to the living room and collapse on the couch.  I saw Annabeth’s cardigan.  "Where's Annabeth?"

"Girl's night.  So, is this going to be a tea or tequila type discussion?"  He said as he walked over to the kitchen.

"Tequila.  Gods, tequila."  If I didn’t have to be sober for this conversation, I wouldn’t be.  Frankly, I would rather be drunk.

"Wow, first you curse.  Then you want alcohol.  It really must have been a day."  He laughed.  I was too exhausted to truly join in.

"I'm still surprised you drink," I commented as he handed me a glass and sat down.

"Watching Gabe's behavior might make some people scared of alcohol, but we don't share DNA.  I didn't inherit his genetic predisposition to overdoing it.  I'm cautious, though, never over one drink.  I also can’t stand beer.  I'm still shocked that you got drunk at 16."

I threw my head back and groaned.  "It was one dumb night.  The property damage was minimal.  I regret all of it.  I’m just lucky it wasn’t worse."

"Alright, so start your vent or rant or whatever."  He said as he settled in on the couch.

"So, do you remember a legion member named Kaylee?  She was a centurion of the third cohort."  This was a good place to start, as any.

"Purple hair?" I nodded.  "Rings a bell."

"So, she and I grew up together.  We've always been close.  After the legion, she became a psychiatric nurse.  Six weeks ago, I needed help with something, and she was the only viable option.  I felt nervous and awkward afterward, so, like the mature person I am, I avoided her calls until today.  Again, I needed some help that only she could provide.  To say she was pissed about the six weeks of skipped calls was an understatement.  She decided to help on one condition, which was for me to go to one therapy appointment."

"I thought you started therapy years ago as part of our deal?" He said, narrowing his eyes.  "You taking care of yourself is important."

I cringed.  I forgot I would have to explain this.  I clinched my fists till they turned white.  "I know the deal was for a year, but I couldn’t.  I went for six months until my therapist was arrested for being a pedophile."  Percy looked horrified.  "He didn't do anything that could be classified as illegal with me, but he wasn't innocent with me either.  I've had a few criminal psychology classes since then.  He was grooming me.  He checked off every box.  At the time, I couldn't point to anything specific as to why I was uncomfortable.  Once I knew why he was arrested, it made a little more sense.  I couldn't go back to therapy after that.  Since then, I can't be in a room alone with an adult I don't know well.  I start getting panic attacks.  I react especially poorly to health professionals."  I was having to consciously resist bruising my forearm.

"I'm so sorry.  I don't really know what I'm supposed to say to that, but I understand your reaction.  I wouldn’t go to therapy after that either.  Did you actually go to the appointment?"

"Yeah, I had a really nasty panic attack in the waiting room, and nearly sprinted out the door.  Kyle & Kaylee managed to calm me some, and then Kyle went into the appointment with me so I didn't have to be alone with her."

"How was the appointment?"  He asked cautiously.

"Deeply uncomfortable."  We were skating too close to the issue of self-harm.

"Because of the topics or the therapist's behavior?" He asked, concerned.

"Topics.  Over all she seemed okay."

"Sorry, dude.  That's rough.  I know how tense and uncomfortable therapy appointments can get, and I don’t have extra issues about therapy itself."  Percy’s understanding was making the words come out easier.

"A few hours after my appointment, Kyle had a psych eval and physical.  The doctor decided that he should be admitted.  His recent relapse was more serious than he was letting anyone realize."

"Is he going to be okay?"  Percy looked worried.

"Since he was the one asking for help, I imagine he will be.  His being unavailable for a while leads me to one of my two problems.  I think I might try the whole therapy thing out again, but I can't be alone with her.  I just can't."  The idea was making me start to shake.

"You want me to go with you?" He asked kindly.

"Please?"  I tried not to sound too desperate.

"Of course.  You would do the same for me.  So, what is the other problem?"  Percy said, ever in a problem-solving mood.

I could feel myself grimacing.  "She gave me homework."

Percy grimaced.  "I don't even know what she assigned you, but I already feel sorry for you.  Therapy homework is the worst.  What do you have to do?"

"I have to share at least the main points of what I'm dealing with someone else.  Since I have been keeping most of my issues to myself for the past few years, she doesn't think I have an adequately informed support system.  She wanted me to share with two people.  I said that wasn't happening and I would try for one."  I just needed to push through this conversation.

"I get how that would make you uncomfortable.  You're a pretty private person."  He said not judging.  "So, am I the person you came to talk to, or was it Annabeth?"  He said with a casual smile.  He wasn't making a big deal out of this.  I didn't need to panic.

"You were."  Percy was safe.  I could talk to him.

"So, how do you want to do this? We sit here, and you tell me the issue? Chat while sparing?  I ask you questions so it's easier to get it out?  You talk while we play Mario Kart, so you have an excuse not to maintain eye contact?  We can bake bread, so you can work out your frustration while kneading dough?  You have options.”  He noticed I had finished my tequila.  “I'd offer you another glass, but I think that probably isn't the best way to cope with problems."

"Thanks." The suggestions make this a lot easier somehow.

"What will it be?  I'm just trying to make it bearable for you.”  The compassion was appreciated.  “Triton and I spared for two hours straight when I was trying to open up about my depression, because it felt easier to share when we were doing something else."

"Questions sound easiest."  It also seemed like the easiest way not to get caught.

Percy started in on the questions, "Was what you needed Kaylee for six weeks ago related to what's going on?" 

"Yeah, I had a panic attack and flashback, but I didn’t tell that second part to my therapist.  She ended up sedating me because she was worried I was going to rip the skin off my arm."  She was probably right.

Percy winced.  "That sounds like it was going to hurt.  Well, the instance of therapy makes sense.  Do you have a PTSD diagnosis?"

"Officially no.  Unofficially, there is no way I don't have it."  I was at least self-aware enough to see that.

He chuckled once, "You and half the legion."

"Want to tell me what the flashbacks are about?"

"No, I can't."  Even the idea of doing that was stressing me out.

"Let me think... Is there anything else I should ask about?  Oh, yeah!  Any behaviors you're trying to kick?"

"Like what?" I say, forcing my voice not to jump an octave.  I wasn’t going to lie, but hopefully I could avoid telling the truth.

"Drinking, drugs, addiction, purging, starving yourself, self-harm, reckless/risky sex, purposely putting yourself in danger, or any other bad coping mechanisms you can think of."

Deflect.  Deflect.  Deflect.  "You think I would engage in risky or reckless sex?"  I said, trying to sound amused.  I hoped my attempt at moving past this was going to work.

Percy chuckled, "I find it interesting that that is the one you find most offensive on that list, but your problem being sex wouldn't be my first guess.  Though plenty of people use sex as a way to distract themselves."

"Is that because you think I wouldn't do anything stupid with sex or because you think I couldn't get a girl to sleep with me?"  I joked, trying to push us more off topic.

"If you wanted to, I don't think you would have any problem finding someone to sleep with.  I've never seen you kiss a girl before.  Jumping to sex as a coping mechanism just doesn't seem likely.”

"Oh, what would be likely?" I teased while trying to distract from the initial question.

"I'd go with seeking out dangerous situations, destructive but legal." He said it not too seriously and very matter-of-factly

"I guess I could see that.  If you picked a bad coping mechanism, what would it be?"  I asked lightheartedly, trying to pull us fully off track.

He raised his eyebrows.  “Do you really want to know?”  I wasn’t prepared for the offer of honesty.

“You can keep it private if you want.”  I didn’t want to push.

Percy thought about it for a moment.  “I don’t have the best relationship with intimacy.  I’ve never cheated on Annabeth, and I never would.  If I don’t force myself to deal with something, I’ll use physical intimacy to run away from my problems.  It took a lot of therapy and a few fights with Annabeth to figure out that’s what I was doing.  I’ve put a lot of work into changing that.  I don’t want to use Annabeth like that.”

“I had no idea.”  The admission was surprising.

“I use sex to avoid my problems isn’t exactly something that comes up in conversation.  Things are also a lot better than they used to be.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

"Okay, we got really off topic there.  Just to confirm, no destructive behaviors, yeah?"  He asked, clarifying.

Damn it!

Well, getting us off topic didn't seem to work.  Oh, why did he have to ask?  I started internally excusing my behavior.  I didn't even break the skin.  Dr. Larson said that doesn't matter.  What mattered was that I was doing it at all.  I could reluctantly admit she was right, but I couldn't own up to it.

"I forgot something I have to do," I said, getting up off the couch.  I just couldn’t say it, and I wouldn’t lie to him.  I was being a coward.

"Dude, wait," he said, grabbing my left forearm as I tried to leave.  I involuntarily hissed in pain.  Immediately, he let go, and his eyes went wide.  He knew.  Gods, he knew.  I felt myself being slowly pulled back down to the couch.

Compassionately, he said, "I'm guessing your attempt to run away has something to do with your arm." He held out his palm, asking for my arm.  I reluctantly placed my arm in his hand.  He gently moved my arm towards himself, then raised his eyebrows in silent question.  After a brief moment of hesitation, I nodded my consent.  I stopped being able to hold eye contact.  While being careful not to cause further pain, he pushed back my sleeve.  I unwillingly let out a small whimper of distress.

Dr. Larson's office had muted lighting.  The lights in Percy's apartment were bright and harsh.  In the brighter light, the bruises looked gruesome, purple, brown, and yellow, overlapping.  Barely anything looks untouched.

He would never say anything, but the look of disappointment and shock on Percy's face was clear.  He moved my sleeve back and set down my arm.   "Self-inflicted?" He asked as his voice cracked.  I saw the tears pooling in his eyes.

"Yeah."  The strain is obvious in my voice.

"How long?"  His voice sounded strained.

"3 months.  Gods, I thought I was better than this.  I knew better than this."  Directly addressing this hurt.

“When did you last…”  The words seemed stuck in his throat.

I grimaced.  “This morning.”

"Want to talk about why this morning or why you started?"  Percy had seemed to pull it together a little more at this point.

“Reyna and I would go to the graveyard outside of town and visit the graves of the soldiers who died under our care the day after Thanksgiving.  Even though she joined the hunters, I still go.  This year, I wasn’t alone in the graveyard.  West Sherman’s little sister was there.  She said it was my fault he was dead, voicing the very thought that went through my head a million times.  They were my responsibility, and I failed them. 

I went home and punched a wall.  It obviously hurt, but I somehow felt better.  It was nice to somehow make the pain of my guilt external.  It felt more manageable.

For the longest time, I would squeeze my forearm to activate the parasympathetic nervous system to help calm myself.  It worked.  After the graveyard incident, I started overdoing it, causing pain and bruising.  Eventually, pain was the point because it was easier to deal with guilt when I was punishing myself,” I admitted.  It felt a little better to say that thought aloud that had been swimming in my head for months now.  “This morning, I just want some time to zone out and avoid thinking about yesterday.  I actually do that a lot.”  Forcing myself to stay present in this conversation was starting to become difficult.

“I understand the desire to check out.  I know better than most that those deaths weren’t your fault.  You did your best, and that was all anyone could reasonably ask of you.  Why didn’t you tell anyone you were suffering?  Did you think no one would care, or was it that you didn't want to bother anyone?  Cause both reasons are bullshit."  He said firmly.

“I thought I deserved it.  Earned or not, it was the only way I could live with the guilt,” I said, looking down at my hands.

“You don’t deserve it,” Percy said compassionately.

“Maybe,” I wasn’t convinced.

“If you deserved it, then I do too.”  I looked at him, horrified.  Percy did not deserve this.  “I’m sure the number of deaths under my command is not dissimilar from yours.”  The heaviness of that statement hung in the air.  I saw Percy’s hand shake before he grabbed the couch.  “It took a lot of therapy before I realized that there were more people alive because of my command than there would have been without it.”

“You have to stop hurting yourself.  If you can’t do it for your sake, do it for everyone else’s.  You know what it does to Nico and the rest of us every time Will relapses.  You are no less important to us.”  Percy pleaded.

I sighed, “I feel selfish telling anyone about this because I don’t deserve the care.  It’s not like I’m putting my life in danger.  I’ve never broken the skin.”  The excuse felt hollow.

Percy raised his eyebrows as if to say ‘Really?’  “You know if not stopped, this behavior only escalates, right?” I didn’t respond.  I honestly didn’t want to think about where this ended.  “I suffer with the same type of guilt, you know.  You saw how out of hand that got before someone stepped in and forced me to get help.  I don’t want you to make a suicide attempt because this festers and grows.  It’s better to stop before things get worse.” He said seriously.

Percy had made two or three suicide attempts, depending on how you counted.  He only survived the last one because of luck.  If I were in a better state of mind, I would take his warning more seriously.  “Have you ever thought about suicide?”  Leave it to Percy not to let any part of this topic be skipped.

“Everyone has bad days.  It’s not that serious,” I dismissed.  That was a can of worms I was not ready to open.  I knew I wouldn’t like what I found if I examined that too closely.

“First, not everyone has those thoughts.  A normal person's coping mechanism for a bad day is eating a pint of ice cream and venting, not contemplating whether life is worth living.  Second, if I were having those same thoughts, you would be pissed if I didn’t reach out for help.”  He was right, I begrudgingly admitted to myself.

“It’s not like I would ever act on it,” I said, squirming uncomfortably.  This certainly wasn’t what I wanted to discuss.

“Yeah, I thought that too.” He said solemnly.  The regret was clear in his eyes.

The following silence was heavy.  There wasn’t exactly a counter-argument for that. ‘Thanks for the warning, but I think I know better.’  That sounds either extremely prideful, extremely stupid, or both.  Percy was right, and I should heed the warning.

After a prolonged silence, I asked, “Have you been suicidal recently?”

“After that last attempt, I’ve been upfront about when I was struggling.  Last spring was rough, but I came to you.  I would have told you if I had been.”  He said seriously.  After a pause, he asked.  “Are you going to try to quit, or is this a ‘I know I’ve been told to quit, but I’m not committed or ready’ situation?  Knowing something isn’t good doesn’t mean you are going to try to stop.”

We sat in silence.  Stopping was my choice/responsibility, and we both knew it.  I knew the statistics.  I was 37 times more likely to commit suicide than the general population because I engaged in self-harm.  I was also more likely to develop an eating disorder, a depressive disorder, or borderline personality disorder.  What I was doing, regardless of reason, wasn’t an okay way of coping.  I fucking knew better.  Punching that wall was a mistake.

“You don’t need to punish yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.  You don’t deserve that,” he said.

How many times had I told that to my centurions crying over corpses?  Maybe he was right. 

I blamed myself for the deaths outside of battle too.  If I let the guilt kill me, I would just be feeding into the cycle of self-blame and destruction.  Where would it stop?  Breaking cycles takes a lot more courage than staying in them.  I don’t know if I’ll ever accept that I’m not to blame for their deaths, but maybe I could stop punishing myself and, by extension, everyone else for it.

“I think I want to stop.”  The admission felt like setting something extremely heavy down.

"I’m glad.  You're my family.  We will deal with this together." He says, leaving zero room for doubt about his support.

For the first time in three months, I felt like there might be a way back from this.

Notes:

Comments have dropped off recently. Everyone good out there? Thank you very much to those who consistently comment. You give me the motivation to keep typing. If not for you it would be possible for this story to just play out in my head.

Let me know your thoughts!

 

Here are the sources for the facts in this chapter.

https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2017.16111288
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032720331438
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21104583/

Chapter 121: Silence

Notes:

If you have made it this far, you know how angsty and drama-filled this story is. With that being said, this chapter I find heavy. Nico is going to scratch the surface of his feelings about his suicide attempt, and there is a lot there.

TW: Suicide attempts will be discussed with little detail.

Nico's POV:

 I woke up from a nightmare I couldn’t remember, but still felt the terror.  That may have been worse than remembering, because then I would know why I was scared.  It took a while to calm down.  Not having suicide watch around was nice, but it did mean waking up from nightmares alone.

I hadn't seen or heard from Will in 12 days, and it was becoming a problem.  Not in a codependency type of way, but in a I need proof he's alive kind of way.  I respect his need for space to recover, but the loneliness was becoming a lot.  Every time he was in the psych ward, I was there for him, and now that I’m here, he is nowhere to be found.  I feel bitter, which isn’t fair.  I know what he’s going through and how bad it is.  He is fighting his own demons, which means he can’t be here for me while I fight mine. 

Most mornings, I could brush past the feeling of loneliness, but not today.  I was having a physical today, which means a weight check, and every time I think about it, I can’t breathe.  The idea of having to go through that makes me feel uncomfortably vulnerable.  I spend another 10 minutes trying to get my emotions under control, so I can go to breakfast.

I wasn’t surprised to see Kyle in the cafeteria.  Jason had IMed me to recap what happened with Kyle the last few days.  Kyle didn’t look like he was doing anywhere close to okay.  I went over to sit by him. 

I grabbed his hand and squeezed.  Kyle squeezed back then let go, but did not initiate eye contact.  At one point, Kyle, Will, and I created a system to be able to check on how dissociated Kyle was.  If he squeezed back and made eye contact, he was pretty much all present.  If he only squeezed back, he was dissociating but had some level of awareness.  If he didn’t respond at all, he was out of it fully.  I was glad Kyle was at least somewhat aware.

I didn’t even try to engage in conversation.  I was too stressed out about the coming day.  Breakfast was waffles with a side of fruit and yogurt, and as always, there was a meal replacement shake.  I was doing my best not to calculate the calories of the meal, but started doing it in my head anyway.  This looked completely unappetizing.  How was I going to get rid of this many calories?  This was easily 800 calories, probably more.

I took a deep, shaky breath.  No matter how much I didn’t want to, I needed to fight back against my eating disorder.  I ate the fruit and yogurt.  The waffle wasn’t going to happen.  It was bread-like, and that had too many empty calories.  While I was going through my own internal struggle, it seemed Kyle was having difficulty as well.  He picked at the edge of the waffle and ate some other parts of his meal.

After breakfast was therapy with Dr. Green.  Yesterday, we had a rather heated argument about me having to have a physical.  I told him that I didn’t consent to being weighed.  He fired back that I wasn’t allowed to make medical decisions for myself.  Things ended awkwardly after that.

Today, Dr. Green could probably sense the discomfort coming off me in waves.  I couldn’t think about anything except the physical I was dreading.  Dr. Green didn’t push me to talk about anything, and I was grateful.

Group therapy wasn’t a walk in the park, too much talk about triggers.  I sat by Kyle, who was still only partly present.   At lunch, I could barely eat, because my physical was immediately afterward.  I tried not to think about it, but that proved to be impossible.  Eventually, a staff member came over and walked me to the medical office.

“Hello, Nico, how are you?”  Dr. Adams greeted.

“What answer gets me out of this?”  I attempted to joke, but it missed the mark.

“No need to panic.  Things are going to go the same as your last physical.  Then you can go back,” he tried to reassure.  I was slightly shaking.  No amount of reassurance was going to make me okay with this.  “So, I need to check how your heart and lunch are doing.  I will also need to check for any new injuries.  Both of these I will do using my powers.  I’ll only need to hold your wrist.  With all good hope, when I look over the cut on your arm, it will have healed enough to take out the stitches.  After that, I will need you to change into a hospital gown to get your weight.”

That last part sounded like torture.  There was no outcome from that that I would find acceptable.  If I hadn’t gained weight, that was objectively bad.  Hades said I was dying quickly during his visit.  I didn’t want to die.  If I had lost weight, that would be crushing because I had tried. 

If I gained weight, I was also going to have a problem with that.  The idea made me a bit sick.  It would be the objective proof that I had lost control.  Even though I knew that this was the desired outcome, I couldn’t possibly make myself happy with the idea.  The closest I could come to it was being happy I wasn’t dying right now.

“I-is the weight part necessary?  Could we do it next time?”  I stammered.  I couldn’t do this.

Dr. Adams looked like he felt sorry for me.  “It isn’t optional,” he said firmly.  “Can we get started?”

I went and sat on the exam table.  “If we have to,” I murmured.

Dr. Adams grabbed a tablet and walked over to me.  “May I have your wrist?”  He asked.  I gave him my left one.  It took Dr. Adams 5 minutes of concentration before he let go and started writing on the tablet.  After another 3 minutes of writing, he spoke up.  “You are doing better.”  He smiled.  “The damage to your heart has healed significantly.  Now, let's take a look at your arm.”  He extended his hand, and I reluctantly gave over my arm.

I was trying to be calm, but apparently failing miserably, based on what Dr. Adams said.  “I recognize a panic attack when I see one.  What’s up?” He asked professionally.

“This cut is from when I tried to commit suicide.  I've been avoiding the topic like the fucking plague in therapy.  I’m 0% ready to deal with this or look at the scar.  I haven’t looked at it since it was stitched up.”  I said in one rushed breath.

Dr. Adams didn’t seem bothered but did seem concerned.  “Suicide attempts are complicated things to heal from mentally and physically.  It isn’t uncommon for scars to be triggering.  Now, you’re perfectly welcome to look away as I remove the stitches, but this isn’t going to go away.  It’s part of your body now.  You may want to see this for the first time when you’re not alone.”

I let out a slow breath before responding, “Okay.”

As Dr. Adams removed the gauze taped over the injury, I lost my nerve.  I couldn’t watch him remove the stitches. 

“I’m done,” he said after a few minutes.

I steeled myself and looked down at my left arm.  It wasn’t as bad as I had feared, but it still made my stomach roll with nausea.  I used my right thumb to trace the deformed shepherd's hook scar.  My breathing was shaky at best.  What had I done?

“I did this,” I said, still looking at the pink scar.  I felt something akin to horror.  It reminded me of the shame I would feel going to confession growing up, only 1000 times worse.

“Yes, you did,” Dr. Adams said solemnly.

I’d never felt so vulnerable and raw before.  “How didn’t this kill me?”  I said, disbelieving.  The scar looked huge to me.

“You were extremely lucky.  If I had to guess, you probably had some godly intervention.  You missed every major vessel, artery, and nerve.  If this happens again, there is a very good chance you will not be this lucky.  The fact that you are walking away at all is a miracle.  The fact that you didn’t sustain any real damage is… Well, I wouldn’t believe it if I weren’t seeing it for myself,” he said seriously.

I took another shaky breath.  This was the first time since telling Dr. Green that I had really let myself think about what I had done.  It left me feeling gutted.  I didn’t remember starting to cry, but soon enough I found tears on my arm.

“Are you okay?”  Dr. Adams asked gently.

“I don’t think so.  How the fuck do I live with the fact that I did this?”  I felt hollow.  I honestly didn’t know where to go from here.

There was a long pause before Dr. Adams responded.  “Talking about it will help more than anything.  There is a suicide attempt survivor’s support group that meets on Wednesdays on the third floor.  You can ask Dr. Green if you are allowed to attend while you are still a patient here.”  He sighed.  “I’ve treated a good number of people post suicide attempt.  The process of accepting what happened and moving on is different for everyone.  There are plenty of people who understand what you are going through and are available to help you.”

I fell back against the propped-up exam table and covered my eyes.  “How could anyone possibly understand?  I did it, and I don’t fully understand why that seemed like the only option at the time.  What’s worse is I can still feel that same feeling of futility and the desire to simply stop.  There are times I feel regret for stopping myself.  Aren’t I supposed to feel this overwhelming feeling of regret for doing it!?”  I felt like my very soul was crying out in anguish and grief I didn’t understand.

Dr. Adams seemed to measure his words before speaking.  “There is no one way you should feel.  I know attempting suicide can feel like an extremely isolating thing, because you did something that is so socially taboo you feel no one could relate.  It’s not true.”

“How would you know?” I said, exasperated.  He was 100% correct that I felt completely alone.  Even though Will had made an attempt, I didn’t feel like I could relate to him.  He was raped.  He had an understandable reason.  Someone took away my bad coping mechanisms, and suddenly, life wasn’t worth living?  I was pathetic.

“There is a reason I like working with psych patients.  I had some bad years around graduating from medical school.  I came very close to not surviving.  I made three suicide attempts in the span of two years.  I understand what being pushed past your limits feels like.”

“I’m sure you had a better reason than I did.  Someone took away my ED, and I fell apart.” I darkly laugh.  It wasn’t funny.

“Your reasons are far more complicated than that.  Taking away your ED was removing the only means you had to cope with boatloads of trauma.  Without something healthy to take its place, suffering the way you were without your ED seemed unbearable.  It was just the last straw.

The thing that tips you over the edge always sounds small, but it's normally about way more than the final trigger.  My first attempt followed getting rejected by a woman at a bar.  The breaking points for the other two attempts were similarly small things.  Your reason doesn’t sound any worse than mine.  It took a lot of work to figure out that those things were just the tip of the iceberg.”

“You don’t think I’m pathetic for trying to end it all over being forced to eat?”  I wanted someone to tell me I wasn’t pitiful for how I reacted. 

“Absolutely not.  You made a regrettable choice, but I can understand how you got there.  I don’t know if this will help you, but you are very ill with two of the deadliest mental illnesses there are.  Just like any other chronic illness, there are going to be good days and there are going to be days it’s just hell, but as long as you keep trying, it won’t kill you.

I sat back up.  “I’m tired of talking about this.”  I was emotionally drained.

“That’s alright.  There is a hospital gown on the chair.  I’m going to step out for a minute so you can change.  Please only wear your underwear under the gown.” He stood up to leave.

I felt like there was a hand around my throat and a rock in my stomach.  “Is this necessary?”  I said in an uncomfortably high voice.

“Which part?  The gown or the weighing?” He asked.

“Both.”

“Yes, they are both necessary.  It is common for people with EDs to try to cheat by adding heavy items to their clothing to appear to have a higher weight than they do.  Monitoring your weight regularly helps us know if we need to adjust your treatment.” Dr. Adams looked sympathetic.  “I know this is difficult for you, but it is necessary.”  He stepped out.

I quickly changed, trying hard not to think of the reason for it.  A few minutes later, Dr. Adams returned.  I was sitting back on the exam table, and both of my hands were gripping the table in a death grip.

“It’s not uncommon for people with EDs to have anxiety over being weighed, especially after they start trying to get better.  I made sure not to have an appointment after yours, so we don’t have to rush.  You will have to do this, but there is no reason to have to do it while panicking.”

“Uh, okay.” I know he meant for the reassurance to help, but it didn’t.

“I think it would be best if we did a blind weight for now,” he said professionally.

“I’m not familiar with the term.”

“That is when you are weighed, but you don’t see the results.  It’s a rather common thing for people recovering from an eating disorder because it can be a trigger.”  I guess that made sense.

“So, I won’t have to know if I’ve gotten better or worse?”  That might not be so bad.

His lips formed a line in concentration.  “I didn’t say that.” My budding hope was dashed.  “Your progress, or lack thereof, is something that will need to be talked about.  If you are gaining the weight you need, it could be time to discuss moving you to the regular psych ward and removing the feeding tube and IV.”  Well, that would be nice.  “If you are getting worse, other changes may need to be made.”  He said seriously.

“What changes?”  I asked nervously.

“That may be best to only discuss if necessary.”

That response made my gut clench.  “I’d hate it that much, huh?” I asked nervously.

“Yes, you would,” he responded seriously.

“Even the idea of finding out I’m doing better or worse, I find distressing.  If I get worse, that means I’m dying, and dying from this is unacceptable, but I can’t describe how unsettled and bothered the idea of gaining weight is.”  I managed to force out.

“Do you want to recover?” He asked as he tilted his head.

“I’m not sure all the time that I want to live, but I am sure I don’t want this to be the thing that kills me.  I think there is a difference between that and wanting to recover.”

“Mmmm.  I think you are right.  I can see how this would be hard for you even without numbers, but just because it is hard doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it.”

I threw my head back, trying to take a deep breath.  Once again, I could feel myself on the edge of tears.  I really wasn’t ready for this.

“Fine,” I said, getting off the table.  I was clenching my jaw so hard I’m surprised my teeth didn’t crack.  Tears were pooling in my eyes.

“Let’s get this over with.  Please step on the scale backwards,” he said compassionately.  I did as I was told.  The scale beeped that it was done.  “Go sit back on the table.”

Having my weight taken shouldn’t be this hard.  The moment I sat down, I buried my head in my hands and let out a wrecked sob.  I couldn’t pay attention to what Dr. Adams was doing because I was so trapped in my own pain.  An eternity later, Dr. Adams got my attention by putting a hand on my shoulder.  When I looked up, he looked neutral.  I wasn’t sure how to interpret that.

“Can I see your hand?  I need to remove your IV.”

I gave him my hand, then asked, “Why?”

“I know this is going to upset you, but I’m not doing you a service by keeping the information from you.  You are getting better.”  I felt like vomiting.  “You don’t need the IV drip anymore.  I’m really proud of you.  Nothing about this is easy.”

He removed the IV.  I left and went to dinner on autopilot

I didn’t sit by Kyle.  I couldn’t possibly be a supportive friend at the moment.  I was sitting alone, staring at my dinner.  It was grilled chicken, zucchini, and corn with, of course, the dreaded meal replacement shake.   As far as meals go, it was one of the easier ones to eat.  I couldn’t make myself eat a bite, though.  I’d completely lost control, and now I had gained weight.

I had been doing so well before I passed out.  Everything was being taken away from me!  Dr. Green said it himself yesterday that I can’t make my own medical decision.  Will is, for all intents and purposes, gone, and it's my fault for stressing him.  I felt like one wave after another was crashing over me, and I couldn’t get up for air.  This exact feeling was what drove me to suicide.  That temptation was back with a vengeance.

There are other ways to cope.  I know there are other ways to cope, but aren’t they all just delaying the inevitable?  I’ll always end up back here feeling like this, wanting the pain to end.  I could just stop.  Progress should be a reason for celebration, not a reason for suicide.  Maybe I was broken?

Kyle came over and sat across from me.  He grabbed my forearm while making eye contact.    It was some comfort that he was mentally here again.  I must have looked as awful as I felt, because Kyle looked concerned.  He looked at my untouched plate and back at my face.   He began eating slowly but kept looking at me with worry.  His silent presence helped pull me back a smidge from the edge.  I saw a glimpse of my scar.  For the first time, I tried to recall my attempt to end my life in vivid detail.  I was trying to identify what made me stop.  Currently, I wasn’t sane, and I wasn’t safe.  I was looking for something to pull me back from the ledge before I jumped off.

I couldn’t keep my mind from trying to form a plan.  I was getting into serious shit fast.  It was then that I realized Will had once described the exact thing my brain was doing when he told me what it was like right before relapsing.  There was a dark wave going through my head, drowning every good voice and replacing them with despair and a solution.  Will said that eventually he would feel the balance between his good intentions and darker temptations shift towards self-destruction if he didn’t do something to actively change the situation.  Once that happened, the odds of him relapsing rose every minute he didn’t get help.

I was going through the same mental process that preceded Will’s relapses.  I wasn’t being tempted with self-harm or drugs; I was being tempted with suicide.  If I lost this battle, I wasn’t coming back.  My chances of getting out of this bout of temptation unscathed were dropping by the second.

Just get up and tell the staff you need help.  That sounded harder than climbing Everest.

I should just ignore all of this and go to bed early.  Things will look better in the morning… maybe.  Was maybe good enough?  Did I want to maybe survive this, or did I want to survive this?  If I made the wrong decision here, I was going to die.  I wanted to survive this more than I wanted to preserve my pride.  It was being reminded of the reality of how high the stakes were that drove me to stand up.

There was a staff member 10 ft. from me.  By the time I walked over to her, anxiety and stress had fully stolen my voice.  She looked at me with a polite smile.  “Mr. di Angelo, do you need help with something?”  I nodded my head, trying to get my mouth to form words.  “You are Dr. Green’s patient, correct?”

I finally found my voice.  I unsteadily said, “Yes.  Can you get him and tell him it’s an emergency?”

Her smile dropped at the word emergency.  “Yes, please come with me.”  We walked over to the nurses' station.  I kind of zoned out for a minute.  Then I was handed a phone.

“Hello?” I said, confused.

“Nico, I am extremely sorry, but I cannot be there right now.”  I actually asked for help, and I wasn’t going to get it.  I was momentarily stunned, trying not to think of the consequences of that.  Dr. Green continued, mildly panicked, “My daughter was in an accident and is in surgery right now.  I wouldn’t be of any help.  The nurse said this was an emergency, and I’m not going to leave you abandoned when you ask for help.  Once I get off the phone with you, I’m going to call Dr. Rice.   She is an eating disorder specialist and the on-call psychiatrist.  I’ll give her a cursory overview of your case, and she will come get you.  I’ve given the nurses strict instructions not to let you leave the nurses' station until she arrives.  I’m truly sorry I can’t be there.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said flatly and disappointed.

“Nico,” Dr. Green sounded concerned.  “I know you wouldn’t say it was an emergency if it wasn’t.  Do you think you may be a danger to yourself?”  The million-dollar question.

Well, I’ve come this far.  No point in lying now.  “Yes.”  May as well commit to the answer.  “I know I am.”

“I will pass that along to Dr. Rice.  I'm very sorry I can’t be there.”  He sounded truly apologetic.

I forced myself to sound like a functioning human being and wished his daughter a quick recovery.  My thoughts were a mess.  Was I really about to swallow my pride hard enough to confide in someone else that I was on the edge of disaster?  No matter how much I didn’t like it, I was.

I spaced out for a little while before a tall blond woman came over to me.  She extended her hand.  “I’m Dr. Rice, you are Mr. di Angelo, correct?”

“Uh, yeah,” I responded a little nervously.

“Alright, follow me to my office.”  We didn’t talk until we were both settled in her office.  “First things first, how would you like me to address you?”

“Nico is fine.”

“Okay, you can call me Rachael or Dr. Rice.  Unfortunately, Dr. Green is going to be gone for the next 4 days to assist with his daughter's recovery.  He asked that I take your case temporarily.  If this doesn’t work for you, another provider can be found.  Dr. Green called earlier and gave me some of the highlights of your situation.  “

“Can you tell me what he told you?”  I wasn’t sure how much I was going to have to rehash.  I really wasn’t up to it.

“In summary, your father is Hades, and for a godly parent, you are rather close.  You are the current Ghost King.  You have participated in every major Greek battle since the Battle of the Labyrinth.  You had a very traumatic quest a little while ago, around the same time you separated from your boyfriend.  You two eventually reconnected.  Your boyfriend has a drug problem, a self-harm problem, and attempted suicide once and got close again recently.  He was also raped and is currently on probation for drug dealing.  The drug dealing wasn’t fully his fault.  You are currently dealing with anorexia nervosa and depression.  You attempted suicide almost two weeks ago.  You currently strongly believe that you are a danger to yourself.  You are not, as a rule, against seeking help for mental health problems, but your eating disorder seems to be the exception.  Your relationship with your eating disorder recovery is complicated.  Did I miss anything you believe I should know?”  She asked professionally.

“I think that is a good summary.”  I was surprised at how concise it was. 

“Great,” she said, smiling.  “Then I think we can get going.  You told Dr. Green that this was an emergency and that you felt you were a danger to yourself.  Can you please elaborate on that?”

“I’ve had a long day.  Can you please ask a less open-ended question?”  My brain felt like someone had filled it with sludge.

“Thank you for telling me the way I asked the question was problematic.”  She sounded genuinely sincere.  “In what way do you feel you are a danger to yourself?” 

“I’m actively suicidal.”

“Alright, I just want to make sure we are on the same page.  Actively suicidal means that you are having suicidal thoughts and have plans to act on those thoughts.  Is that what you mean?”  She never strayed from professionalism.

“Mostly?  I’m obviously having suicidal thoughts.  I was trying to direct my thoughts away from creating an exact plan, but I was not doing the best job.  I have real concerns that, left on my own, I may act on those thoughts.”

“Okay, I would say that fits the definition.  Do you want to talk about why you feel this way, or would you prefer to move directly to creating a response plan for tonight and deal with the emotional stuff in the morning?”  She asked.

“Can we do the whole plan thing?  I want some sleep.  I’m exhausted.”  I was finally feeling my emotions calm down now that I felt safe.

“That is understandable.  I imagine you have been in distress for a while.  First things first, I’m putting you on one-to-one.  You are familiar, yes?”

“Yes,” I grumbled.  Even though I knew this was coming, the lack of privacy sucks.  “For how long?”

“We can talk tomorrow afternoon about whether it is still necessary.  Next thing, I would like to do is move you to a double room instead of your current single.  I think minimizing the time you have to spend alone would be a good idea.  The only room that has a bed and no roommate is Kyle James's.  Would that be fine?”

“Yes, why was I given a single room in the first place?”  I had been wondering.

“Your position as Ambassador to Pluto,” she said matter-of-factly as she typed on her computer.  She kept typing for a bit, then turned to me.  “Is there anything else we can do tonight to increase your sense of safety?”

“I can’t think of anything.”

“Alright, once Sasha gets here, you are free to go pack and move.  Have a good night.  If there are any other problems, please tell one of the staff members, and they will contact me.”

It didn’t take long to pack up.  All I really had were a few changes of clothes and books.  When I went into Kyle’s room, he greeted me warmly.  He seemed to be doing better than he was at dinner.

“So, you are the new roommate?” He smiled.

“Yeah,” I responded, setting my bag down and turning to him.

He deliberately looks at Sasha, who has now taken a seat in a spare chair, without moving his head.  He raised his eyebrows as if to say, “Why is she here?”

I stared squarely at the floor.  “Suicide watch,” I said, ashamed.

I suddenly found myself engulfed in a hug.  “I’m proud of you.  I’m so fucking proud of you.”  Hearing that I did something right made me lose all composure, and I started sobbing.

Notes:

Let me know what you guys think of the chapter!

So, I would like your guys' opinion on a plot line. I'm considering exploring unconscious bias regarding reporting domestic violence/stalking. The perspective will be from the person with the unconscious bias, understanding the effect of their bias on others. Would this be something you guys would be interested in?

Chapter 123: An Informative Letter

Notes:

Hey guys! I know this is a very short chapter. It's more just bonus content. The next chapter just isn't ready yet. Hopefully, I will have something by next week.

Going to sleep that night, Dr. Adams’ words played in my head about how it was a miracle that I hadn't sustained more damage.  The next morning, I found a note answering my curiosity.

Yes, Nico, I did interfere.  Hades has always been kind to me, as have you.  I wanted to help you as much as I was able, but the fates didn’t exactly leave much room.  I moved your cut micrometers here and there so you would miss or barely nick all of the important stuff.  Your intended cut would have bled fast, and wouldn’t have given you much time to save yourself.  The adjustments I made didn’t lessen how fatal the cut was, but did give you extra minutes you desperately needed.

I’m begging you, don’t do that again.  Next time, I may be barred from helping.  It would break my heart to see you die like that.  I know I didn’t express much in my last letter about my feelings about your attempt.  It was honestly too fresh and painful at the time.  The day you go to the underworld for the last time will be one of the saddest days in my existence.  I care about you as much as I do for my own children.

I hope to see you soon under better circumstances.

-Apollo

Notes:

Edit 12/3/25 Sorry, guys. The next chapter isn't finished yet, and I have stuff I have to do to get ready for guests at my house. I'm working on things, but no posting date to give you.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 5 of Making it out of the Storm