Work Text:
Please be selfish
aka
The three times Alejandro and Rudy hooked up (before they got together)
The first time that Alejandro and Rudy slept together was a week before they enlisted in the army. They both promised their families that they would wait until after they had graduated before enlisting. Although this promise was more to appease their families rather than for themselves, it turned out to work in their favour in the end.
They decided that they’d sign up the week after their ceremony. It gave them a chance to celebrate with family, sort out their belongings, catch up with friends, and say their temporary goodbyes to anyone they could.
Graduating was a big deal for both of their families, especially Alejandro’s whose parents and grandparents rarely got to see that achievement for themselves. So they waited. Family celebrations were planned for the daytime and when night rolled around, the two of them would sneak out with their friends. With beers in hand and under the safety of peaceful darkness, they walked the streets one last time of their home, their hearts filled with a stubborn unwillingness to admit the uncertainty they felt about when they would ever get the chance to come back.
This had always been their plan, the two of them enlisting together.
There was a music festival happening a couple towns over and Rudy bought tickets for it, an impromptu plan for the last time they would be “civilians” they had joked. One final slice of normalcy.
Since Rudy couldn’t take the family car for the whole weekend and Alejandro had sold his a couple weeks ago, they had to wake up early to catch one of the rare buses that passed through Las Almas. In situations like these, they always slept the previous night at Alejandro’s because his house was much closer to the bus line. It was normal for them during special events, school trips, or really anything that required them to get up early since Rudy couldn’t trust an earthquake to wake Alejandro up on time.
After eating dinner with the Vargas family and watching a movie with Alejandro’s very opinionated siblings, the two of them turned in for the night like usually did. They had no issues sharing a bed, even when they were kids, although they’d grown a lot while the mattress had not.
In the darkness, Rudy looked up at the ceiling and waited for his eyelids to become heavy with sleep. Next to him, Alejandro was tossing more than usual, also unable to go to sleep.
Rudy had just begun to fruitlessly count sheep when Alejandro spoke up.
“We’ll be gone on Monday…” he said quietly, letting the words hang in the air. Outside, the wind battered the side of the house. Muffled voices emanated from the television downstairs.
“I know…” Rudy replied.
“And our lives will be completely different.”
Rudy turned his head to face Alejandro.
“Having second thoughts?” he joked quietly, letting a teasing smile pull at his lips.
“No,” Alejandro replied firmly before a flicker of hesitation crossed his eyes. “I mean, no, but…” he trailed off and let out a quick sigh. “You ever think about things that we never got to do?”
“Like what?” Rudy asked.
“I’ve been thinking about what Luis said to me the other day,” Alejandro started, keeping his eyes peeled to the ceiling. It was uncharacteristically timid. “He said that, how could he truly know what he wanted if he never tried it in the first place. And that he needed to try everything.”
Rudy vaguely remembered the conversation.
“Wasn’t he talking about eating blue cheese for the first time? Like he always assumed he would hate it ‘cause it had mold but he’d never tried it.”
“Well… yes, but I think there’s so much more to it. I don’t want to have regrets.”
A stagnant gear started to roughly churn in Rudy’s mind.
“But we’re not talking about food,” he stated, “are we?”
Alejandro remained silent.
“I mean, I’m sure there are a million things we haven’t experienced yet,” Rudy said, “but there are a million things yet to come as well. Do you feel like you wanted to do something different in high school? To me it seemed like you had a pretty good time.”
Even in the dark, Rudy could see how Alejandro’s jaw clenched with uncertainty.
“Unlucky soldiers die in basic training every year…”
“Don’t say that!” Rudy said, feeling as though his mother had possessed his body for the scolding. “That’s not going to happen.”
Alejandro slowly sat up as if his body was heavy to move and rested his back against the headboard, the covers bunching around his waist.
“I feel as though there are so many things I want to do…”
Rudy also sat up. “We don’t have to go to the festival,” he offered. “We can do something else if you want to.”
Alejandro shook his head. “It’s not that.”
“Well then, what is it?”
Alejandro gripped his hands in front of him, nervously wringing them. “I’ve… I’ve been thinking about something for a while and I never really knew how to go about it or figure out what I even wanted and there wasn’t anyone I wanted to do it with, well, besides you. I didn’t want to with anyone else because it would be so different and I already trusted you but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to and it was hard to ask and, I mean, the time never really came around and this isn’t really what people expect from me and-”
“Slow it down,” Rudy interrupted, trying to soothe Alejandro’s increasing tension. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“You’ve…” Alejandro trailed off before taking a breath to gather himself. “You’ve been with a man…”
“…yeah?” Rudy replied, caught off guard by Alejandro’s question which he already knew the answer to.
For the first time since their conversation started, Alejandro met Rudy’s eye. The brazen confidence Rudy was used to seeing in Alejandro had been shattered.
“I guess… I think…” Alejandro said, stumbling over his words. “I want to ask you something and if you don’t want to then that’s okay and I’ll never ask again and we can move on. It’s only if you want to as well, I wouldn’t want to push you.”
Alejandro flicked his eyes downward and slipped his hand overtop of Rudy’s, awkward and hesitant, but also warm and comforting. Rudy looked down at their hands, feeling a tidal wave of emotions come crashing down on him.
“I want to be with you,” Alejandro finished, clasping their fingers together. “I… I want to fuck you…”
Rudy whipped his head up and couldn’t help the way his mouth fell open a sliver. His heart felt like it had leaped into his throat.
He knew he had been in love with Alejandro for a long time now. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
Alejandro had never expressed any interest in anyone besides women before. In the past two years, he had really grown into his looks – the increase in height and muscle also helping to gain the attention from women which he was happy to receive.
In contrast, Rudy had had a few short term boyfriends in that time. They were all nice, Rudy didn’t have any complaints, but they all deserved better than someone who could never have offered their whole heart.
Rudy had kept his yearning a secret, stealing looks and glances and cherishing everything they already had.
He loved Alejandro. He loved his kindness and how he was always the first person to offer to share his lunch with someone who didn’t have one, or to offer a ride, or to do a favour. It was as if he never had to think about it.
Alejandro could be fiery and stubborn but it stemmed from his passionate loyalty about those he cared about. He wanted to do the right thing. He cared for all of his younger siblings, even picking a fight or two in his day with another kid that was picking on them.
He laughed without reservation and lived unabashedly.
But there were also the quiet moments. He vocalized his doubts for only Rudy to hear. He supported Rudy when he had lost his grandfather, even just the comforting silence of sitting next to each other being enough sometimes. He wished and dreamed like any boy would, yet always found a space for Rudy in his outlandish fantasies.
Rudy loved Alejandro even though he knew that he would never be loved back.
Rudy froze. He’d lost track of the number of times he had imagined what Alejandro’s lips would taste like. Or dreamt about them touching, gasping out each other’s names.
But right now, Rudy’s hand felt like it was on fire, every spot tingling with need where Alejandro’s clasped his. Alejandro might have been uncertain with his words, but he was watching Rudy with such calmness, patiently waiting for a response.
A million yes’s and a million no’s crossed his mind all at once in a confusing swirl of thoughts that each demanded his attention.
But he could never say no to Alejandro. He didn’t want to.
And god, he wanted.
“Okay…” he breathed out.
Something changed in Alejandro’s eyes underneath his carefully controlled expression; there was a flicker of light as they shined brightly in the darkness.
“Yeah…?” he said quietly.
“Yeah…” Rudy nodded.
The corner of Alejandro’s mouth was pulled up into the faintest smile and he dropped his eyes, chuckling to himself. The energy was infectious and Rudy found himself letting out a breathy chuckle himself as his own nerves bubbled up to the surface.
Alejandro then looked up again, a hardened glimmer of confidence in them once again. He put his hands on both sides of Rudy’s face and pulled him in for a kiss, just as he had countless girls before.
As soon as their lips touched, Rudy felt his heart flutter intensely in his chest, the feeling of everything he’d dreamed about coming true almost overwhelming.
It was awkward and clumsy, the two of them taking their time. It wasn’t perfect, they didn’t know exactly what to do, their hands wandered without purpose or intent sometimes. They laughed at themselves, giving each other moments to relieve the eager nervousness they both felt. But they were also excited, smiles easily breaking their kisses with giddiness.
It was clumsy, it was messy, it was gentle.
But it was everything Rudy could have hoped for.
When they were finished, panting, letting out relieved laughs, Alejandro leaned in for one final kiss.
“Thank you,” he said against Rudy’s lips as he pulled back and soon the two of them fell asleep.
The next morning, they jolted out of bed at the sound of their alarm. Without much leisure time before catching the bus, they quickly got ready and left the house. Once on the bus, it was full of people which didn’t lend itself well for talking.
They arrived at the festival and organized their day, planning out each hour to make the most of the weekend. They met some interesting people, floating between groups and events. The first night they were dead tired and fell asleep as soon as they hit the bed. The next day was the same.
On the bus ride back to Las Almas, they were approached by a woman that had wild, but long, stories to tell, practically filling up the entire ride back.
Soon Monday rolled around and they were focused on packing up their belongings and saying goodbye. They never truly talked about what had happened but they both chalked it up to a quick one night stand amongst friends. They were nervous about what they were leaving behind, what the future was going to hold. There wasn’t much else to it.
At least that’s what Rudy told himself.
Alejandro still smiled at Rudy the same way, that brilliant smile that lit up any room he was in. Rudy focused on enjoying that smile.
If he did that well enough, he could ignore the longing.
---
The second time that Alejandro and Rudy slept together wasn’t until many years later. The first couple years of their time in the military was spent just honing their skills and – in Rudy’s case – trying to keep Alejandro out of trouble.
Alejandro was brash and opinionated. He questioned authority, of which the irony was not lost on Rudy considering their choice of career. Rudy liked this about Alejandro, but there was a time and place for such things.
Things went back to normal with them. Well… it was not as though things had ever changed really, but they remained best friends, albeit with more guns, fighting, and danger. Tomorrow wasn’t given, especially as the two of them quickly separated themselves from the rest of the soldiers. Soon they were both recruited into Mexican Special Forces.
They focused on their jobs, the Narcos, their country, trying to put some good out into the world. He’d follow Alejandro wherever he went. It was always to the two of them.
It wasn’t always easy. They lost people along the way – their brothers and sisters who sacrificed themselves for the fight. But they kept going. They had a goal.
And they had each other.
They would win some and they would lose some.
But today, they were celebrating.
They’d just taken down the leader of a massive cartel in an operation that had lasted two years. Two years of intel and infiltration and surveillance and fighting.
And they’d done it.
After weeks of meticulous planning, they raided the compound, all of those sleepless nights strategizing ultimately paying off. There were also no casualties from their team.
They took the drug lord into custody despite his ruthless attempt to escape. They had more than enough evidence to gather at the compound and he was handed over to the authorities. Like dominoes, the rest of the Narcos started turning on each other, trying to save themselves in the fallout.
As a result of the successful mission, Alejandro was offered the rank of Colonel, something he’d been working towards for years. Rudy wasn’t ashamed to admit how proud and happy he felt for his friend.
So they were celebrating.
With their team, they made their way to a bar close by to the base they were staying at. Alejandro bought the first round, a gesture that was met with gracious roaring and cheering from the rest of the soldiers.
Everyone did deserve it as well. Martinez hadn’t missed a single shot with his sniper rifle. Delgado had been quick on her feet to find a new tunnel into the compound when their initial one had been caved in. Gutierrez cut the power and telephone signals at the exact moment they needed it. Rosas had been a tank once inside the compound, nothing stopping him from moving forward.
With light hearts and hearty laughs, they spent the evening in the bar, happily chatting and mingling with one another and with civilians. They continued to drink, letting the beer and liquor flow easily. The familiar warmth spread across Rudy’s chest and cheeks, the wave of happiness feeling addictive.
Rudy and Alejandro were sat at the bar, facing each other while they happily talked about everything and nothing. It was refreshing to not be talking about life or death for once. This mission had taken so much of their time recently, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off their shoulders.
Alejandro waved down the bartender and put up two fingers. Rudy raised his eyebrows when Alejandro met his eye again.
“What have you bought this time?” he asked with a laugh.
Alejandro smirked but kept his secret, waiting a couple seconds as they watched the bartender pour out two shots of top shelf tequila. He placed it in front of the two of them and was quickly called away to help someone else at the other end of the bar.
“Alé!” Rudy exclaimed. “You’re spending so much money.”
“It’s fine!” he replied back, lifting up both of the shots. “I got a raise!” He gestured for Rudy to take the shot which he did with an amused smile.
“Cheers,” Alejandro said as the two of them clinked their glasses together.
Rudy dipped the shot back into his mouth, feeling the familiar sharpness slide down his throat. He swallowed and took a deep breath, controlling his reaction. In contrast, Alejandro pinched up his face and shook his head several times, letting out a suppressed cough.
“You know…” Rudy said teasingly as he put the glass back down on the table, “for such a big guy, you’d think you could take shots better…”
With a bashful smile of acceptance, Alejandro also put his glass back down and shook his head.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said, turning his full attention back to Rudy. “They said I could command my own team when I became Colonel. Hand pick people and everything. And so why not come up with a name?”
“What are you thinking?” Rudy asked.
A flickering memory danced behind Alejandro’s eyes.
“Los Vaqueros!” he announced proudly. “Remember? Like when we were kids?”
The memory came flooding back to him all at once. When they were young they used to steal brooms from the closet and ride them around, pretending they were cowboys. They eventually were able to collect an eclectic mix of fake guns, cowboys hats, holsters, and vests, living out their fantasies in the large backyard of Rudy’s house.
A small smile tugged at Rudy’s lips, feeling the warmth of being reminded of their past.
“I like it,” Rudy said honestly. “Much better than the boring ones that we get as the default. Maybe it will strike a little bit of fear as well.”
Rather than the joking retort that Rudy expected back, Alejandro was quiet for a second.
“With everything that’s been going on,” he said, a bit more serious, “I haven’t been able to thank you for your help.”
“It was your plan,” Rudy said with a wave. “And it was a good one.”
“But you helped with getting all the information I needed. The blueprints. You turned my crazy ramblings and ideas into reality. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
Rudy smiled and dropped his eyes, not exactly sure of how he should respond. He searched his lap as if it would have the words to say.
“I’ll follow you,” he settled on. “Wherever that is.”
When he glanced up again, he was met with another shot being held out for him. With an incredulous scoff, Rudy took the glass.
“I don’t want to hear you complaining tomorrow morning when you check your bank account…”
Alejandro let out a hearty laugh as his smile lit up the room.
That smile.
Just as they tilted their drinks back in unison, someone accidentally bumped into Rudy’s arm, jostling the glass and causing it to spill all over Rudy’s shirt.
“Fucking hell…” Rudy murmured with surprise, quickly wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked down at his shirt to see the dark stain of the liquid immediately soaking into the fabric.
A body suddenly close to him caused Rudy to look up again. Alejandro had slipped off the stool and stepped toward Rudy. Without a second to think, Alejandro placed his hand on Rudy’s knee as he stepped in between his legs. He reached forward, Rudy becoming eye level with Alejandro’s chest. He glanced at where Alejandro was reaching, surprised at what was going on.
Alejandro pulled his arm back, a small dish cloth that was clasped in his hand coming into view.
“Here…” Alejandro said, handing over the small towel to Rudy.
“Thanks,” Rudy said, brushing it down over the front of his shirt.
As the cloth wiped over the wet fabric, Rudy was acutely aware of how close Alejandro was standing. He could barely think about what his own hands were doing when all he could focus on were Alejandro’s which continued to linger on Rudy’s knee. His legs were still spread as Alejandro’s body kept them open.
Alejandro didn’t step back.
“You know,” he said teasingly, looking down at Rudy, “for such a big guy, you’d think you could hold onto a shot better…”
Rudy was familiar with the look that was in Alejandro’s eye. He’d seen the man drunk or tipsy countless times before. It was open, without inhibitions, and shining with teasing interest.
Alejandro liked to flirt when he got drunk, eventually running off with some pretty young thing. There was always someone new that pulled his attention away, no matter who it was. On a rare occasion, Rudy was the subject of such attention. He’d play along. That was just who Alejandro was.
He could push Alejandro away, joking about how drunk he was and the two of them would move on.
He could.
But he didn’t want to.
“Thought you were rich now,” Rudy replied with an innocent tilt of his head as he looked up through his eyelashes.
Alejandro narrowed his eyes, the way they glanced down at Rudy’s lips making his heart skip a beat. The corner of his mouth upturned into a smirk. He then gestured at something behind Rudy’s back, briefly tearing his gaze away.
Alejandro could be too intense for some people, his gaze just as sharp sometimes. Having all of his attention was powerful, a feeling that Rudy loved to have. He revelled in the intensity of Alejandro’s eyes, never wanting to escape them.
He pulled forward another shot and handed it to Rudy.
“On me then…” he said with a low voice, leaning in towards Rudy ever so slightly.
Rudy took the glass, his eyes drawn to a small droplet that had flowed out over the edge. As he raised the glass, he flicked his eyes up to meet Alejandro’s unwaveringly. He slowly licked a strip up the glass before his tongue found the rim and he tipped it back.
Alejandro’s eyes darkened as his grip on Rudy’s knee got tighter.
“You take that well…” he murmured close to Rudy’s ear.
Rudy ripped his eyes away as he took a second to put the empty shot glass back down on the bar. When Rudy looked back up at Alejandro, his gaze was transfixed to Alejandro’s pink lips.
He hummed innocently as his hands gripped onto the edge of Alejandro’s shirt.
“I take a lot of things well…” he said playfully, his words heavy with meaning.
Alejandro leaned in to say something into Rudy’s ear again, but they were interrupted by a voice calling out.
“Vargas! Parra!”
They both glanced over at the other side of the bar to where the voice had come from.
A couple of soldiers were standing around a pool table, the one who had called out gesturing at them with a wave.
“Two on two?” he asked.
Alejandro glanced back at Rudy with a teasing smirk, a competitive glint shining brightly in his eye.
“Feel like kicking their ass?” he joked.
Rudy smiled.
“I think it’s our duty.”
Alejandro stepped back so Rudy could get down from the stool. Rudy’s knee still burned with the exact feeling of Alejandro’s warm hand on it, firm but gentle.
As they proceeded to play their game of 2v2 pool, they could barely keep their hands off each other. It was fun, the stolen glances and not so innocent touches. It was dirty jokes into each other’s ear and eyes that looked hungrily. They stood closer than they needed to, laughing, smiling, joking, teasing. Their bodies felt loose and free, enjoying the moment and the atmosphere.
As Rudy stood holding the pool cue and analyzing the table, he felt Alejandro’s body press up against his back. It was a body he’d memorized long ago by sight, his hands still itching to touch it completely. Rudy leaned back slightly into Alejandro’s broad chest as he leaned forward.
“You should go for the six,” Alejandro said into Rudy’s ear, his deep voice rumbling through Rudy’s entire body.
“Good advice,” Rudy said back sarcastically, knowing full well it was the only one they had to get in before the eight ball.
He found his opening and tried to lean over the table, his body instantly bumping into Aleandro’s. He straightened back out.
“Excuse me?” he said innocently with a smile. “I have a ball to get in. Mind giving me some space?”
“Oh,” Alejandro said, the smirk evident in his voice. “Is that what we’re doing here?”
As Rudy rolled his eyes, Alejandro stepped back. Rudy lined up his shot, thrusting the cue towards the white ball and watching the six sink directly into the pocket. He walked around to the other side of the table, meeting Alejandro’s eyes across the way.
“Should I go for the eight?” he joked, feeling self-satisfied as Alejandro remained silent but trailed his eyes up and down him.
Rudy quickly sank the final ball, smugly thanking the boys for the game. He handed the pool cue over before meeting up with Alejandro on the other side of the table again.
“I had a great teacher.”
Alejandro laughed and threw his arm around Rudy’s shoulder, leading the two of them to a table where some of their friends were sitting.
The rest of the evening continued like this until it eventually got late enough to call it a night. They called a car and started to make their way back to the base. As they sat in the backseat, Alejandro’s fingers leisurely traced up and down the side of Rudy’s thigh.
Once they arrived back at the base, they walked down the hallway to their quarters. The stolen glances continued to make Rudy’s heart flutter as they smiled easily, chuckling and bumping shoulders.
They made their way to Rudy’s room first, Alejandro’s being a bit further down the hallway. As they stopped in front of his door, they turned to face each other.
Neither of them spoke, the silence feeling heavy for the first time all night. Alejandro flicked his eyes down to Rudy’s lips then quickly back up again. He opened his mouth to say something before snapping it shut. He shook his head and let out a breathy chuckle, the question about what he was going to say remaining a secret. He gave Rudy a small smile.
“Goodnight, Rodolfo,” he joked quietly, his eyes flickering with warm affection. “It was a fun night.”
As Alejandro took a step back, Rudy’s hand whipped out before he knew what he was doing. He grabbed Alejandro’s hip, his fingers slipping into his belt loop and holding him in place.
Alejandro briefly glanced down at Rudy’s hand then back up at him, a complicated range of emotions flashing behind his eyes. In an instant, it disappeared as if it had never happened. Alejandro stepped closer, Rudy feeling the body heat radiating off the other man.
“I’m your superior now,” he said with quiet confidence, leaning his head in close. His large hands rested on Rudy’s hips and gently pushed them back against the door.
“Then you can make me do anything you want…” Rudy replied, shamelessly brazen despite his rapidly beating heart.
Alejandro smirked.
“What are you suggesting…?”
Rudy wound his hands across Alejandro’s belt, feeling the leather underneath his fingertips. He found the buckle and wrapped his fingers around it, tugging Alejandro even closer.
“Yeah…?” Alejandro said, his lips tantalizingly close to Rudy’s.
“Yeah...” he breathed out, his body pulsating with need.
Alejandro surged forward, pressing their lips together with desperate need. He pressed his body up against Rudy’s, sending a shock of pleasure through his body. They somehow stumbled through the door, tugging each other to the bed, their lips needily nipping at one another the whole time.
With frantic kisses and wandering hands, they tore each other’s clothes off, pleasure being the only thing on their minds.
“It’s been so long since we did this…” Rudy let tumble from his mouth.
“Too long…” Alejandro murmured into Rudy’s skin as he trailed kisses down his chest.
Alejandro had changed a lot, his body larger, his muscles more defined, his hands confident and deft as they drew out Rudy’s pleasured moans with every touch. His kisses made Rudy feel dizzy, lost in a world of bliss that was just the two of them.
After their bodies were thoroughly used and explored, they pulled each other into the washroom for a quick shower. Rudy still felt tipsy, but less on the alcohol and more on the dizzying happiness he felt.
Once they were done, they made their way back into Rudy’s room. Alejandro joked that he was too tired to make it to his own. Rudy knew that it was only at the end of the hall.
But he didn’t say anything.
Soon, tiredness began to pull down at their bodies and Rudy felt his eyelids start to droop. Just as he fell asleep, Rudy thought he felt a hand against his, lacing their fingers together.
When the sun rose the next morning and the haze of the previous night cleared, they could finally take in what had happened. They awkwardly laughed it off, a casual consequence of flowing drinks and happy hearts. A drunken night and need for pleasure.
Still, his hand continued to tingle with the feeling.
---
The third time Alejandro and Rudy slept together was after a mission. In the days leading up to it, they had been fighting, a lot.
Alejandro had gotten it in his head that he had to lead a dangerous mission into Narco territory despite the unnecessary danger it posed. It was a suicide mission.
They’d been arguing for the past several days about it, Rudy trying to convince him not to do it. They needed more time, more intel. They could at least wait for support or continue reconnaissance. They could do something else, anything, that wasn’t walking into the club with targets on their heads.
But Alejandro was stubborn. He knew they were running out of time to save the hostages. Waiting would mean death. But Rudy knew that going in too soon would also mean death.
He tried a million different ways to come up with a better idea or try and talk some sense into Alejandro, but he wasn’t budging. His headstrong nature and bravery were some of the things that Rudy loved about Alejandro, but right now he couldn’t stand it. It was the reckless disregard for his own life that Rudy could never accept.
It frustrated him seeing Alejandro value his own life so little.
Rudy had been begging him not to do it, a heavy pit in his stomach eating him from the inside with dread that something was going to go wrong. He didn’t often have this feeling, but he always trusted it when he did. So did Alejandro.
At least he used to.
It was exhausting, trying to sway the most stubborn man he knew into changing his mind. They’d never fought like this before, instead only having brief spats that accidentally boiled up and out of them during rising moments of tension and uncertainty.
Rudy was getting increasingly heated, frustrated with Alejandro for refusing to listen to him. He was seething at times, needing to walk away from the conversation to cool himself off.
Alejandro who was usually the hotter-headed one in any situation had been surprisingly calm through it all. He refused to speak sometimes, his eyes getting lost in his own thoughts which only frustrated Rudy more.
It had been two days.
They found themselves in Alejandro’s room, arguing once again.
“It’s a suicide mission,” Rudy accused angrily. “Why do you want to kill yourself, huh? ‘Cause that’s what’s going to end up happening. I thought you were smarter than this.”
Alejandro looked tired as he faced a dresser and fiddled with a watch that was resting on top of it. He kept his back turned and his head down as Rudy hurled his words at him.
“I have to do it…” Alejandro responded, almost with dejected acceptance.
“You don’t have to do it,” Rudy shot back. “Someone else can.”
Alejandro picked up the watch and slowly wrapped it around his wrist.
“I can’t send someone on a mission I’m unwilling to do myself.”
Rudy sighed, feeling defeated for even trying. He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to shake Alejandro until he would listen. There was no talking him out of it. There was only one other thing he could do.
“Fine,” Rudy said, crossing his arms, “but I’m coming with you. You’re obviously not thinking straight and you’ll need me to cover your sorry ass…”
Alejandro continued to avert his eyes, his fingers absentmindedly focusing on the clasp to his watch.
“You’re not coming.”
Rudy scoffed incredulously.
“Like hell I’m not.”
“It’s too dangerous.”
Rudy shook his head in disbelief, his jaw clenching as he tried to control his emotions.
“Gutierrez and Delgado volunteered to go along with your stupid plan,” he said, getting increasingly worked up. “Why can’t I?”
“You’re different, okay?” Alejandro barked out, abruptly spinning around to meet Rudy’s eye for the first time since their conversation started.
Rudy felt rightful indignation burn inside him, his own ugly stubbornness coming to the front. He narrowed his eyes and stepped closer to Alejandro, knowing he was losing his temper but not being able to control himself.
“You can’t make my decisions for me…” he hissed, his unwavering eyes staring daggers at Alejandro. Deep down, it scared him how much this these feelings were being fuelled by bitterness and loathing, but his head was swimming with so much anger that it clouded the rest of his thoughts.
There was a second, just the briefest of seconds, where Alejandro’s eyes wavered. Across them flickered a barrage of emotions, uncertainty and doubt pushing their way to the front despite Alejandro’s best attempt to keep them buried.
It was like the unseen monster that he had kept hidden for so long, even to expert eyes such as Rudy’s. It clawed its way through Alejandro’s body, tearing him up on the inside. There was also something else amongst the uneasiness – there was shame.
Half a second later, it wiped away as if it had never truly been there. Alejandro’s eyes hardened, the warmth that Rudy was used to seeing having completely disappeared and replaced with something distant.
They felt cold.
“You’re not coming!” Alejandro bellowed out, his deep voice filling the entire space of the room. “That’s an order!”
In an instant, it felt like all of the air in the room had been sucked out. A pervasive chill rushed up Rudy’s spine and spread deep within his entire body. Alejandro’s words buried their way into Rudy’s head, piercing, churning, tumbling relentlessly. They took hold of his muscles, freezing him in place, and wrapped themselves around Rudy’s heart, squeezing tightly and eliciting a sharp pain he had never felt before.
Rudy’s face fell, his own fiery anger suddenly turning into shock and disbelief, a faint pain that existed in everything he was.
His heart dropped, a sensation that made him feel sick.
Alejandro had never talked to him like this before. In everything that they did, no matter what, they had always been equals. Alejandro had never controlled him in the way that he could control the other soldiers. Alejandro could bark out orders to everyone else except for Rudy, this being something unspoken between the two of them that had never broken all this time. It came from their mutual respect and understanding of each other, a friendship that ran deep within their veins and ways of being.
Rudy had heard disgruntled murmurs throughout the years about his special treatment, which only stood to reinforce that fact that, yeah, Rudy was different. They had always been something more than the basic dichotomy of leader and follower. Alejandro had never pulled rank on him before even when he probably wanted to. That was something they never did.
Until now.
Alejandro’s gaze was steadfast, relentless as his command was spat out with such finality leaving no room for argument.
Rudy felt the knife twist deeper, tearing him open with cruel indifference. It wanted to destroy and take him apart, piece by piece. The waterfalls of flowing blood mocked him with his weakness, with how much he cared.
Rudy clenched his jaw, unable to see anything beyond the man in front of him through the red that lined his vision. He was vibrating with fiery hatred.
“Fuck you,” he spat out before turning on his heel. He held on tightly to his last semblance of calm rationality that begged him to leave before anything else could happen, before he would say something he couldn’t take back. He barged out of the room, needing to clear his head.
He was wired for several hours after that, pacing his room, clenching his fists, wrangling with his thoughts. He had too much energy that he needed to rid from his body so he took out his anger at the gym. By the time he was done, body broken with fatigue while his mind incessantly screamed for more, more, more, he retreated back to his room and immediately crashed from the exhaustion.
Rudy would always remember how he felt when he woke up the next morning.
He still simmered with anger when he was suddenly slapped in the face with what had happened overnight. Without telling him, Alejandro had moved up the date of their departure.
Alejandro had left.
Without him.
Rudy immediately rushed to the toilet, feeling an overwhelming sickness wash over him. But as he sat there, nothing came, empty like how the rest of his body felt.
Alejandro was gone for two days.
Updates were few and far between, Rudy consistently pestering the team in charge of leading the communications. Rudy didn’t sleep, he barely ate. He couldn’t.
He was filled with regret, utterly terrified that the last thing he would ever get to say to Alejandro was spoken with such vitriol.
There was still lingering anger but it had been buried deeply under the nauseating worry. Rudy couldn’t stay angry. His heart couldn’t take despising the one thing he cared about most in the world.
The one thing he didn’t want to live without.
When reports of casualties started to come in without any positive identification, Rudy felt like he was collapsing in on himself.
Rudy hadn’t prayed in a long time, but that night he did.
After 58 hours of feeling like he was floating in a body that no longer belonged to himself, Rudy heard the news that the runway was being cleared for their transport helicopter to land.
Rudy barely waited to hear the end of the sentence before he sprinted out of the room. With each step closer to the runway, his heart started to beat faster. The ramp was already deployed and Rudy could see the soldiers start to disembark from the holding area.
He frantically looked around, each of the soldiers looking like they had been beaten down, injuries, blood, limping, bandages, braces, their faces not bothering to mask the trauma of whatever they’d just been put through.
Seeing a familiar face in the crowd, he rushed towards Delgado. He opened his mouth but his attention was quickly drawn to something behind her.
Black bags.
Black body bags being carried out, one soldier on either end.
Rudy’s heart sank in his chest.
“Alejandro…?” he asked Delgado weakly, barely able to muster the strength to get it out.
With half-lidded eyes, horrors hidden deep within them, she gestured to the interior of the helicopter with her chin. Somehow, Rudy’s legs began to move before he could even think about it.
Each footstep rattled off the metal ramp, one by one. He stood in the opening, one hand on the side of the helicopter for support, and blinked a couple times to get used to the darkness.
Standing in the back, was Alejandro.
He was staring at the wall, his eyes unfocused. While his body was physically here, his mind was elsewhere entirely. He looked exhausted, almost unsteady on his feet. There was blood smeared over his arms and clothes, a few shallow cuts marking the side of his face with jagged, red lines.
Rudy’s knees almost buckled as he laid eyes on Alejandro, an overwhelming wave of relief washing over him almost drowning him in his own elation.
“Alé…” he said breathlessly, the name falling from his lips like one final prayer.
Alejandro blinked and suddenly appeared again. He glanced over and met Rudy’s eyes.
Rudy’s heart shattered as he looked back at the broken man in front of him.
He was moving, taking long strides, his heart pulling him forward like a force that always led back to Alejandro. Rudy threw his arms out and wrapped them around Alejandro, burying his face deep into his neck. He balled his fists into the fabric of Alejandro’s shirt, needing to keep him there.
Alejandro immediately wrapped his arms around Rudy, one hand coming up to gently cup the back of his head. He held Rudy tightly, pressing their bodies together almost suffocatingly, but still he needed more.
Alejandro took a shuddering exhale and melted into Rudy’s embrace, tilting his head to rest against Rudy’s.
He was so warm. And his heart. His heart continued to beat, a persistent thump in his chest that Rudy tried to focus on. He could feel it through his own body.
Rudy answered it with his own heartbeat.
He could feel everything – the scratchiness of Alejandro’s beard, the puffs of air against his cheek, the way Alejandro’s eyes fluttered closed.
“I’m so mad at you…” Rudy let out weakly, barely above a whisper.
Alejandro’s chest rose and fell as he breathed, continuing to hold onto Rudy tightly.
“I’m sorry…” he said quietly, his low voice speaking directly into Rudy’s ear. He started to rifle his fingers through Rudy’s hair, scratching at his scalp gently. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know if I was going to make it back. I couldn’t risk losing you too. I couldn’t.”
“I was so worried that that was going to be the last time I saw you,” Rudy replied, trying to keep his voice even and holding back the tears that wanted to come out. “That it would have been the last thing I ever said to you.”
Alejandro dragged his hands down, scratching at the base of Rudy’s neck.
“I kept thinking the whole time how I hoped I could come back. I didn’t want to leave you. I wanted to see you again. I wanted to be selfish.”
Rudy somehow buried his face deeper into Alejandro’s neck.
“Please be selfish. Please always be selfish…”
Alejandro slowly unwound his arms, pulling back ever so slightly so they were face to face.
“Rudy, I-”
“Colonel!” a voice from the ramp called out. “We need you in for the quick debrief.”
Alejandro stared into Rudy’s eyes for several seconds longer before finally ripping them away.
“I’m coming now.”
As Alejandro took a step forward, Rudy noticed he was limping with an uneven hop to his step. He wrapped his arm around Alejandro’s waist to help him move forward, letting Alejandro lean his body weight down on him.
Alive.
That was all he could think about.
A medic met them halfway to the building but Alejandro waved them away. Rudy sat with Alejandro as they went over the mission debrief, paying more attention to Alejandro than what was being said. Not too long later, Rudy was helping him back to his room. He led him to the shower while Rudy waited in the room. Behind the closed door, the shower sputtered to life.
Rudy flopped back against the wall next to the washroom door, slowly sliding down until he was sat on the ground. After days of feeling like he was walking in a body that wasn’t his own, it felt as though he had been rocketed back to earth.
The even spray of the water was occasionally broken with loud splashes and echoing taps, a persistent reminder that Alejandro was inside.
After only a couple minutes, somehow Rudy found the strength to lift himself off the floor. He walked over to Alejandro’s bed and sat on it, his head hitting the pillow not long after. He turned around, putting his face to the wall.
The pillows smelled like him.
Fifteen minutes later, Rudy heard the door open and soft footsteps enter the room. He could hear quiet fingers rustling against fabric as Alejandro got changed.
Behind him, the bed dipped as Alejandro crawled onto it, immediately wrapping his arms around Rudy and pressing up against his back. Rudy shifted as well, their bodies instantly molding into one another like fitted puzzle pieces. Alejandro pressed his face up against the back of Rudy’s neck.
“I’m sorry…” he said softly into Rudy’s skin. “You didn’t deserve that. I shouldn’t have treated you that way. I was just scared…”
Rudy trailed his hand down Alejandro’s arm, linking his fingers overtop of Alejandro’s.
“I was scared too…”
Rudy was suddenly hit with a yawn and he tilted his face into the pillow to let it out.
“You look exhausted,” Alejandro murmured.
“Haven’t slept…” he mumbled back.
“It’s okay…” Alejandro said soothingly, his deep voice lulling Rudy as his eyes blinked heavily. “You can rest now.”
Rudy couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer and he let them fall, quickly succumbing to sleep after just a few breaths.
He stirred awake, unsure of how much time had passed, and he opened his eyes, the blurry world slowly coming back into focus. Alejandro’s arm was still wrapped around his waist, keeping their bodies pressed together. The deep puffs against Rudy’s neck indicated that Alejandro was still asleep.
Rudy shifted one of his arms to scratch a spot on his cheek and that was when he felt it.
Alejandro was hard pressed up against him.
Rudy didn’t much mind and simply stayed in place, wanting to let Alejandro sleep some more. He traced his fingers up and down Alejandro’s arm, gently playing with his fingers in the quiet afternoon sun.
He’d seen these hands be ruthless and destructive, taking out anyone they had come across. But he had also seen them be delicate, patching up Rudy’s wounds and exploring his body so tenderly.
He waited – he’d wait forever – until Alejandro also began to stir awake. He sighed against Rudy’s neck and Rudy turned around so he was facing Alejandro. Alejandro’s hand continued to rest against his hip.
Their bodies shifted together and Alejandro suddenly looked down, aware of his own erection.
“Sorry…” he murmured, looking back up at Rudy in embarrassment.
“It’s okay,” Rudy said, his hand sliding to rest on the waistband of Alejandro’s pants. One of his fingers slipped underneath his shirt, feeling the taut skin underneath. “It’s more than okay…”
Alejandro watched Rudy, the soft intensity of that stare filling him with warmth. His eyes shifted into understanding, softening as they looked into every part of Rudy.
“Yeah…?” Alejandro breathed out.
Rather than answering, Rudy leaned forward and pressed their lips together, the reminder of what they had felt like after so long rushing back into his memory. In response, Alejandro enthusiastically kissed back, rolling himself overtop of Rudy.
They sang praises about each other, whispered relief and devotion continuously falling from their lips. Their lips worshipped and their hands explored, but never feeling they were holding one another close enough. They needed more. They needed everything. They needed each other.
They took it slow, deep, never rushing as they consumed the other’s body. Rudy memorized the feel of everything – Alejandro’s hands, his lips, his body – like it would be the last time he ever got to touch it.
Panting, their foreheads pressed together, their hearts beating in unison, they reached their orgasm, crying out each other’s name in euphoric pleasure.
Rudy’s body still buzzing with bliss, Alejandro took him in his arms as they curled up against one another. Rudy rested his head against Alejandro’s chest, their limbs tangled forever, coming together as one.
Alejandro trailed his hands up and down Rudy’s spine, his fingertips touching his skin so delicately like he were something that could be broken. Rudy looped his finger around the chain for Alejandro’s dog tag, absentmindedly playing with it.
They stayed like this for a while, silent, neither needing to fill the space with words that their bodies hadn’t already expressed. After a while, Alejandro took a breath in to speak.
“I don’t want to let you go…”
Rudy traced incomprehensible shapes into Alejandro’s chest. He smiled slightly.
“I don’t have anything I need to do this afternoon…” he joked quietly.
“No,” Alejandro replied seriously, “I don’t want to let you go ever.”
Rudy tilted his head up at this, looking Alejandro in the eye. He looked nervous but also incredibly certain at the same time. His eyes were searching Rudy’s face.
“I don’t understand…” Rudy trailed off.
Alejandro cupped the side of his face, his thumb faintly brushing up and down across his cheek.
“You… You’re… I want you to be more. You’re my best friend, my partner, my second in command. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize. I just… I don’t want to live without you. I want to hold you in my arms. I want to kiss you. I want you to be mine. Forever. I-”
Alejandro’s eyes flickered to Rudy’s lips as he took in a shuddering breath.
“I love you, Rodolfo.”
Rudy sucked in a breath, decades of memories flashing behind his eyes. Sharing action figures on the playground. Riding bikes through the park past their curfew. Ditching school together to skip rocks across the river. Sitting next to each other in the mess hall as their bodies were beaten down, ensuring the other person ate despite their own exhaustion. Standing side by side as they got medals pinned to their chest. Late nights and early mornings, leading Los Vaqueros together.
Finding the light in one another when they were surrounded by nothing but darkness.
Rudy cupped the side of Alejandro’s face, looking at him as if seeing him for the first time.
“You have me…” he whispered with every part of his soul. “You’ve always had me…”
Alejandro let out a relieved sigh, the corners of his mouth upturning in a warm smile. His eyes were so soft, and understanding, and affectionate.
“My love…” he said quietly, pulling Rudy in for a kiss.
Rudy blissfully kissed back, his heart soaring through his chest with happiness. Alejandro held him close, his arms wrapped around him for eternity. Their lips were timeless.
He loved Alejandro more than anything.
And Alejandro loved him.
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