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I'm still not entirely sure how Violet Sorrengail ended up in my lap.
I'm also not sure that I care.
The fact that she was the one to initiate contact was the real shocker of the evening. The woman hates my guts for reasons I can't even begin to fathom. She has since the day she stepped on campus - her, as a freshman; me, as her RA.
It's been two years since, and yet despite being in completely different majors, we always manage to cross paths.
Including, it seems, tonight.
The evening started out innocent enough - or as innocent as it can when Garrick comes bursting into my room as I'm finalizing an assignment for my flight dynamics class.
"Get your ass up," he barks. I glance up from my keyboard long enough to note that his cheeks are flushed - likely from the beer I know he's been chugging with the sorority girl who showed up on our doorstep an hour ago - and I promptly return my attention to my laptop screen. "Senior bar crawl time."
I scoff. "Absolutely not." I have better things to do. Like finish up the last of my coursework so I can get the fuck out of here and back home to Aretia.
"You-" he points at me. "-are no fun whatsoever. I'm warning you - don't make me make this difficult."
I swivel my chair around so I'm fully facing him, cocking an eyebrow while I'm at it.
"I'm dying to know how you could possibly-" I freeze when I what's on his phone, which he's holding up proudly. It's a video, and it's one I'm all too familiar with.
Garrick's grin grows larger. "You come out with us, or I send this to her."
"You wouldn't dare."
"Watch me, you emotional chickenshit."
"How do you even still have that?" I hiss. I make a go at him to try and grab the phone out of his hand, but for someone that's already tipsy, he's damn fast, and he dances out of my reach. "That was from two fucking years ago."
"Its only been 18 months, and because I knew it would be valuable blackmail." Garrick turns to leave. "Uber will be here in 10. Maybe wear something that isn't black?"
"I bet Imogen will be thrilled to see the girl you're bringing with you," I call after him, not bothering to deign him with a reply to that last comment. I only get his middle finger as an answer.
Fucking hell. I guess I'm going to the bars.
Calling it a bar crawl is a bit generous though, considering there's only one bar worth a damn near campus - and that's where we inevitably end up.
The air is thick with - smoke? Artificial fog? I honestly have no clue, but it smells like shit, like everything in this damn bar. Which is half the reason why I never want to come here. The place is packed when we arrive though, which is no surprise. Every senior and their friends are out tonight - the last Friday before exam week - partying like their lives depend on it one last time before they need to become real grown-ups with real grown-up jobs.
"Riorson!"
I look up from my phone to see Liam waving at me from a booth. He isn't alone, and I immediately hone in on the shortest of the bunch. Motherfucker. No avoiding her now.
"Mairi," I greet as I amble up. My eyes slide to his right. "Sorrengail."
"Xaden," she greets mockingly. Her cheeks are tinged pink, and judging by the cups surrounding her, she's been at it for a while. "Decided to grace us mortals with your presence, I see."
"I'm sure you're grateful for that," I drawl. She merely bristles and takes a long sip of her drink. Rhiannon Matthias glances between the two of us from where she sits on Violet's right, clearly amused by something.
"I'm surprised to see you here," Liam tells me, and I return my attention to him.
I jab my thumb towards the bar, where Garrick is currently chatting up a completely different girl than the one he arrived with. The sorority girl has stuck around all of two minutes before her ex-boyfriend made an appearance, and neither Garrick or myself wanted to see the fall out from that particular argument.
"I'm not here willingly," I retort. "Someone has to keep him in line."
Liam's eyes sparkle. "Bullshit." He leans in closer, so only I can hear. "He used the video, didn't he?"
I pull back, eyes flaring. "Don't tell me you knew he still had it."
Liam has the audacity to laugh. "Bro, we all have it."
Fuck. Me.
"We're talking about this later," I growl. Before I can get in another word, Garrick appears at my side, flinging an arm over my shoulder while throwing back a gulp of his beer.
"Howdy, folks!" He grins as he appraises the group, and I don't miss the michevious glimmer when they land on Sorrengail. "Sorrengail, looking lovely as ever."
"Fuck off, Garrick," she grumbles. Garrick whistles, clearly amused.
"You can ignore her," Ridoc Gamlyn appears out of nowhere, shoving Liam further into the booth to squeeze himself into the seat. "She's having boy problems, and that always puts her in a sour mood." He lowers his voice conspiratorially and waggles his eyebrows. I force my face to remain a statue, even though I'll admit my curiosity is piqued. I'd love to know what kind of boy problems Violet Sorrengail could possibly be dealing with.
"Ridoc?" Violet says sweetly. "Shut up."
Rhiannon snorts. "He's not wrong though. We wouldn't be out here if it wasn't for that."
Now I'm really curious. If I know Violet - and I do - she's not the type to go out to a bar the week before exams. She'd much rather have her nose buried in a book.
"I just want to know what dragged you out of the library, Sorrengail," I chime in, propping my elbows on the table. Those fascinating eyes of hers narrow on me. "I thought you must have a bed up there somewhere, with how much time you spend in there."
"Keeping track of my location now, are you Riorson? I didn't realize I had a stalker."
Gods, she's vicious. I'd find it annoying if it wasn't such a turn-on.
"Nope, I just have eyes like everyone else," I reply smoothly. I don't even know when I started grinning, but she looks like steam is about to come out of her ears. I love getting a rise out of her.
Violet Sorrengail is a force of nature, and that's something I learned the very first day I met her. My sophomore year, I decided to be an RA in one of the residence halls so I could get free housing. I met Violet as she was arguing with her older brother about the industrial-grade first-aid kit he insisted she carry around campus with her.
"If you fall and get hurt, this will come in handy!" he'd said.
"That thing is so damn heavy that it would be the reason I fall," she'd shot back. "You're being an overprotective asshole."
I found her mildly amusing at that, but that was like the calm before the storm. Three nights later, I got called down to the front desk because the desk attendant said one of the local troublemakers had shown up and was threatening students. The kicker was that apparently, one student had brought a knife to a fistfight.
That student happened to be Violet - or, as I nicknamed her that night, Violence.
When I got downstairs, I found her with a pocketknife to his balls. I didn't bother asking her what the fuck had happened that led to her nearly castrating the man before I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her behind me, before threatening him within an inch of his life and informing him the cops were on their way to drag him to jail.
Violet hadn't taken my interference kindly, telling me in no uncertain terms that she could fight her own battles. I, in turn, told her that if fighting her own battles meant getting herself killed, then I couldn't really allow that. She also took issue with this, saying that wasn't my call to make.
I very quickly discovered that Violet Sorrengail is the most infuriating woman I've ever met.
I also find that to be an unbelievable turn-on.
Unfortunately for me, she merely hates my guts.
"I fucking hate you," Violet spits, glaring at me.
I hate how her words cause a twinge in my gut, but I keep that mask of mine on firmly. "That doesn't make you special, Violence."
Perhaps the worst part? I wouldn't even care that she hated me, if it wasn't for the minor detail that I've been in love with her for a year now.
I need a fucking drink.
I know I'm getting looks from Liam, Garrick, and every other person at that table when I excuse myself and stalk towards the crowded bar. Basgiath isn't a big school, and most of the people here eye me with looks that range from lust to intimidation as they part to make room for me. I ignore them all.
The elderly bartender asks me what I want. "Pick your poison," he says, and for a moment, I actually wish it he meant literally. This is not how I wanted to be spending my evening, and I debate just ditching Garrick, except he would never do that to me, so I won't do it to him. A glance back at the table tells me that Garrick - and Bodhi, who has magically appeared out of nowhere - have embedded themselves in Violet's group, which tells me I will be in the woman's presence for the foreseeable future, being reminded of all the reasons why I shouldn't be as into her as I am and all the reasons I am anyway.
"Whatever your strongest drink is, I want that." The bartender raises a brow in my direction.
"Rough night?" he asks. His eyes flit towards my friends and back to me. "Or girl problems?"
"Something like that."
I will myself to watch the bartender as he prepares my drink, instead of turning around and looking at the woman I'm certain is currently glaring holes into the back of my head.
If she was sober, she wouldn't even glance in my direction.
I wish I could go on my merry way after graduation, maybe never thinking again of the five foot zilch terror that has somehow managed to define my last two years of school. I could have maybe thought back fondly on our many verbal spats ten years down the line, with the kind of vague nostalgia reserved for memories that have long lost their negative qualities.
Instead, I slept with her when I knew how horrible of an idea it was, and it fucking destroyed me when, in the morning light, she called it a mistake. Look at me, dealing with the consequences of my own actions.
The bartender slides my drink towards me, and glances over my shoulder again as he does. I reach to pull out my wallet, but he shakes his head.
"On the house, kid. You're gonna need it," he says with a chuckle, and turns to take the next person's order. Before I can ask what the fuck that's supposed to mean, I hear my name.
"Xaden."
I turn, and there's Violet, looking up at me with an unreadable expression. Because I am seemingly incapable of controlling myself around her, my eyes wander down her body, drinking in every detail. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, even just in black jeans and a black crop top.
The bartender was right - I definitely need this drink. I tighten my grip on the glass as I throw back the golden brown liquid, and I nearly choke. That bartender does not poor weak drinks, that's for damn certain. I return my attention to Violet.
"What?" The word comes out a lot shorter than I mean it to. Her eyes narrow on me ever so slightly, and she crosses her arms and juts her hip out, as if she's settling in to read me the riot act. Knowing her, that's a very real possibility. I mentally steel myself for the lashing she's likely about to give me for being a general ass. I probably deserve it, in the same way I don't deserve her.
She sighs. "I'm sorry for losing my temper on you."
My mouth is already open to begin my apologies, but now I'm just standing there like a fucking fish, opening and closing my mouth as I try to process the words that just came out of her mouth. I don't think she's ever apologized to me for anything.
"...What?" I finally get out. Violet has the nerve to look amused as she steps up to the bar, flagging down the bartender.
"Do you know any other words other than 'what'?" she challenges. "If not, that'll make having a conversation a bit difficult."
I blink rapidly, and my brain finally catches up with me. "You're apologizing... to me? You? Violet 'I didn't even apologize to the guy I nearly castrated' Sorrengail?"
"You're pushing it," she warns. "Don't make me take my knife to your balls, Riorson."
And because I'm not an idiot that looks a gift horse in the mouth, I shut mine. It doesn't hurt that I hate when she calls me by my last name.
"You're an asshole, but I overreacted earlier," she continues. The bartender returns with a twinkle in his eye that I don't particularly like, inquiring as to her order. She orders an Angry Orchard, and then returns her gaze to me. "Truce?"
"You want a truce?" I ask teasingly, because again, I can't control myself around her. "You've been busting my balls since the day we met, and now a week before I leave you want to call it quits? Who are you and what did you do to Violet Sorrengail?"
She huffs, and I swear to the gods I must be seeing things, because she looks a bit regretful. It must be the low light of the bar. "I may have had my opinion of you... influenced by someone I shouldn't have let influence me. I'm just righting a wrong before I lose the chance."
The puzzle pieces click in my head. "And does this have something to do with the boy problems your friend mentioned?"
"Maybe." She sizes me up for a moment, and her eyes darken. "Fine. Yes."
She's being surprisingly honest tonight, but I don't think it's because of the alcohol. In fact, she seems completely sober. I decide that if she's decided to open up to me a little bit, I might as well push my luck.
"Care to share more?" I ask. The bartender returns with her drink, and she stares at it hard. I can practically see the gears in her head turning, making neatly organized lists of pros and cons and potential outcomes for if she opens her mouth to answer my question.
It feels like an eternity, the time she spends mulling my question, but when she opens her mouth, she's interrupted by a voice that immediately grates on my nerves and sends my rapidly improving mood straight back to sheer annoyance.
"Violet," Dain Aetos says, desperation lacing his tone. I have no idea where he appeared from, but judging from the way Violet tenses next to me, she didn't expect him to show up here. "Please, can we talk? I want to fix this."
And the puzzle pieces once again fall into place. Every bit of me screams to get in his face and tell him to fuck off, but I keep my mouth shut and my feet planted right where they are. As I have already learned, Violet doesn't appreciate me fighting her battles for her, and I'd really like to improve from her hating me to her only slightly disliking me, if I can.
"I've already said everything I needed to say, Dain." Every line of Violet's body is taut, and her knuckles are white from how hard she's gripping her drink. Aetos takes one more step forward, and I take another draw of my own drink to give my hands something to do that isn't punching him in the face.
"I know I fucked up, Vi. I shouldn't have done that, I know I shouldn't have. Please let me fix this. It was a mistake."
A trickle of unease makes its way into my stomach. I've disliked Dain Aetos from the moment I met him. That first interaction wasn't long after I met Violet, back when I merely thought she was one of the most attractive women I'd ever met and harbored no feelings beyond that. I quickly learned that he was her boyfriend, and inexplicably that made me hate him. Looking back, I probably should have seen that as a sign that Violet would never be someone I wouldn't fall in love with. Violet and Dain were no picture perfect couple though. It seemed like I heard about them breaking up and making up every other month. But they always did end up getting back together - a large reason why I never even considered telling Violet how I felt, even after I realized I was in deep.
Based on VIolet's cold expression and the desperation on Aetos' face, however, it seems they've split again, and it is far more permanent. Right now, I'm more concerned as to what this mistake was, rather than the possibilities their breakup opens up for me.
"That's not the kind of mistake you can fix, Dain," Violet hisses, setting her bottle down on the bar top with force. She steps forward and jabs a finger into his chest, and the tension from before has transformed into rage. "You don't cheat on your girlfriend then come crawling back begging to fix it, unless you've figured out a way to go back in time to stop yourself from ever sticking your dick into another woman."
Oh shit. Violet's not the only one pissed off now. How could Dain cheat on someone as fucking brilliant, beautiful, strong- fuck, how could anyone cheat on Violet? Cheating implies there's someone better, and she's perfect. There's no one better.
"The fuck?" I growl, control officially shot to shit. Violet glances at me, but doesn't move to stop me from stepping into Dain's space. "You cheated on her, and now you're coming back with your tail between your fucking legs as if you deserve to breathe the same fucking air as her?" Aetos is normally spineless and straitlaced, from what I've observed, but today he's suddenly decided to grow a pair as he puffs out his chest and tries to match my gaze. Unfortunately for him, I have about four inches on him. I glance at Violet, and she's looking at me, that unreadable expression from before back on her face. "Do you want him here?" I ask her, and her only. She considers for a moment, and as she does, Liam and Ridoc appear, expressions murderous. Clearly they were read in to the situation.
She turns to face Aetos again. "Leave - I don't want to see your face ever again. I hope Amber Mavis was worth it."
He opens his mouth to continue to plead his case, but Liam and Ridoc grab him by the armpits and carry him away as he loudly protests. The sight would have me laughing if it wasn't for the fact that I have bigger concerns at this point.
"What do you need?" I ask her.
She wrinkles her nose. "Some fucking Fireball."
I raise my eyebrows at that, but if that's what she wants, then fine. I'll get her some Fireball. I think I'd do anything for her right now, if it would get that pained look off her face.
I turn back to the bar, flag down the bartender, and order two shots. I hand her the shot, and she eyes the one left in my hand.
"I thought you didn't do hard liquor," she says. I grin, surprised that she remembered the off-hand comment I made a little over a year ago now.
"I thought we were pretending everything we said and did that night never happened," I tease.
Something flashes across her expression, and she throws the shot back without warning. A high pitched sound of complaint vibrates in her chest as the shot goes down, and it goes straight to my cock. I am so stupid over this woman. Before I can even react, she goes and grab the other shot out of my hand, and pounds that back as well.
"I guess we are," she says cooly, and I'm just blinking in surprise. I never took Violet as the type to do shots like a pro, yet here we are. She turns back to the bartender. "Another, please."
Ridoc reappears, throwing an arm over her shoulders. "Did someone say shots? I'm so in." Rhiannon appears on his other side, grinning.
I've seen the havoc Violet and her friends can wreak. I might have opened Pandora's box here.
I'm about to open my mouth to shut this shit down, but then Garrick, Liam, and Bodhi have joined in, and I realize I'm hopelessly outmatched.
I guess I'm the designated driver tonight, because this is going to end so badly.
I was right to be worried.
Six rounds of Fireball later, and Violet is, well, definitely feeling it. Her cheeks are flushed, and she's laughing with abandon as Liam tells her some story about him as a kid, words slurring as he gestures animatedly. Garrick is making out in the corner with the equally inebriated sorority girl he arrived with, who had reappeared a few minutes ago. Ridoc is arm wrestling Rhiannon and losing miserably. Bodhi and Sawyer are watching on, amused but also equally drunk.
"Another round!" Violet exclaims loudly, her eyes dancing. She goes to stand up from the barstool she's propped herself on, and immediately begins to wobble. I'm there in a heartbeat, steadying her with two hands on her upper arms. She leans in and takes a deep breath, before looking up at me with a smile that takes the air out of my lungs.
"You smell really good," she says with a grin. My fucking heart can't take this.
"You'll be taking that back as soon as you wake up tomorrow," I reply gently. She doesn't mean any of it. She's drunk. "Maybe it's time we call it a night."
"Absolutely not," she says, shaking her head vigorously. "Tonight, Fireball is my best friend."
"I think Rhiannon might take offense to that."
"She'll live," she laughs.
Before I can stop her, she's flagged down the bartender again, ordering another round. He glances over her head at me, and I hold up one finger. One more round, and then she's done. He nods, and goes to pour. As if summoned, the others gather around. Violet tilts her head all the way back, so that the crown brushes my chest, and looks up at me, completely unguarded for maybe the first time. I have to keep reminding myself that she'll go back to normal tomorrow, probably hating me, and that I can't get even more attached than I already fucking am. She's already destroyed me once, and I don't know if I could survive a second time.
"Do one round with us?" she asks, and just because she's the one asking, I want to say yes. But I know the second I get even remotely buzzed, the singular string of control I've managed to keep will snap, and I won't be able to forgive myself if I do something with Violet when she's clearly not in a state where she can consent because we're both intoxicated.
I shake my head. "Someone has to keep you out of trouble."
"You can do that just fine, even if you've had a drink. I trust you to look out for me." She frowns, and warmth blooms in my chest at the knowledge that she's ok with me looking out for her, that she trusts me, even if it's just for tonight.
"Not going to happen, Violence," I manage. "I think your friends are waiting for you."
That's enough to get her attention, and she straightens up, but doesn't step away. Only centimeters separate my body from her back, and I am painfully aware of it. My hands are still lightly gripping her arms, her skin soft to the touch, and I can almost let myself pretend I could always have this kind of casual contact. I don't move to step away. I should. But I don't. I want to bask in my delusions just a while longer.
"To the end of the school year!" Garrick lifts the shot up, the others doing the same, brings it back down the the table, and then tosses it back in unison.
"Ugh," Violet mutters, giving herself a shake as it goes down. The movement just barely grazes her back against my chest and I know I'm playing with fire here. Of course, I'm more than willing to let her burn me, which should say everything about how she has completely unravelled me. "Gross."
I bark out a laugh. "That's not a nice thing to say about your best friend."
She twists in my grip, cocking her head to the side. "Yeah well, maybe it's not my best friend anymore." She leans in a bit more, and I really need to shut this down because I am so close to making a really, really poor decision like throwing her over my shoulder and taking her somewhere a little more private. I won't though, because she is drunk and I would never forgive myself for taking advantage of that. But gods do I want to. "I think I'm done for the night."
I raise one eyebrow. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," she nods. "Will you take me home?"
Fuck me. She could tell me to jump and I'd ask her How high?
"Of course," I reply. I'm thanking every god there is that I decided to only drink half of whatever it was that bartender gave me a good two hours ago now.
Garrick and Liam have matching shit-eating grins when I inform them I'm leaving to take Violet home.
"Use condoms!" Garrick whispers, and I glare at him.
"You know its not like that," I growl.
"I know that I have a video of you drunkenly ranting about how beautiful you though Violet was and how much it turns you on when she argues with you, so I don't know shit," he shoots back.
Fair point.
"You're deleting that. Tonight," I warn. "Or I'll tell Imogen you've had a secret crush on her for months now."
His eyes widen. "You wouldn't"
I shrug, and go to return to Violet, who is chatting with Rhiannon near the door. "Get your head out of your ass and talk to her about it then. Delete that video, too,"
"Like you're one to talk!" he calls after me as I walk away.
"Ready?" I ask Violet. She nods, bidding her friends goodbye, and follows me out to the sidewalk.
The evening is mild, and there are no clouds overhead to hide the stars and moon as we begin to walk. The bar isn't far from campus.
"You're still in the dorms?" I ask, and she nods. We continue on in comfortable silence, walking closer together than is strictly necessary. Despite having had more Fireball in the span of two hours than I think I've had in two years, her gait is mostly steady, with only a slight wobble. Each step has her arm brushing against mine.
After about 10 minutes, we reach the center of campus. Of course, Violet being someone with zero self-preservation instinct, she goes to cross the road without even checking to see if a car is coming. I grab her by the hand and pull her back just as a truck goes flying by, my heart hammering in my chest.
"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" I ask her, tightening my grip on her hand. She blinks once, twice, then looks up at me.
"Whoops!" She fucking giggles. Sweet Amari.
"You're going to be the death of me," I sigh. "I shouldn't have let you drink that much."
Violet scoffs as we start to cross the street. "You don't let me do anything, Xaden. I do what I want."
"Clearly," I say, the corner of my mouth tugging up as I look at her - I just can't help it. She exists, and it makes me want to smile.
We settle back into silence, but I don't let go of her hand, and she doesn't pull away so I decide to relish whatever little piece of physical contact I can have while I can.
Before That Night, as it's now known in my head, I didn't get feelings for women. I found people who were fine with no-strings-attached, we took what we wanted from the other, and then we went on our merry fucking way. Then I had to do something really stupid, like fall completely in love with the one woman who hates me for no particular reason. Then I had to make it worse by having the best sex of my life with her when she was on one of her many breaks with Aetos, despite knowing that it would destroy me when she inevitably pulled away.
That wonderful night preceded my current unprecedented stretch of celibacy, one that Garrick takes a little too much joy out of teasing me about, and I was absolutely right about it ruining me in the aftermath.
So I may be a bit touch starved. Sue me.
We walk a little bit longer, and Violet breaks the silence as her dorm appears in the distance.
"I was going to break up with Dain anyways," she blurts, and I look down at her, trying to analyze her expression, but it's that same closed off one she wore in the bar earlier.
"Yeah?" I say, raising one brow in her direction.
"Yeah." She nods, looking up at me. The moment is surprisingly serious. "I realized it was never going to work out between us."
I swallow the lump that's growing in my throat. We're right outside the doors to her building, but she doesn't move to pull her hand from mine, and fuck if I'm not going to hold on for dear life until she deigns to walk away.
"Why's that?" I pray my voice sounds even. "You two were together for a long time."
She snorts. "Hardly. We broke up every other month."
I can't help but laugh at that, and I feel her grip on my hand tighten ever so slightly. "You said it, not me, Violence."
She cocks her head to the side, examining me with an intensity I want to squirm under. For someone that just spent the better part of her evening slamming Fireball shots, she is disturbingly present. I see something shift in her expression, her eyes widening as if she just had a revelation. I don't have time to figure out what that could be, because she finally pulls her hand away and I have to fight every urge that's screaming at me to grab her and not let go.
"I realized it wouldn't work out between us because I can't stop thinking about how he could never measure up to you."
I swear my heart stops. My breathing stutters. My mind goes blank.
Holy shit.
"What?" I ask dumbly.
Violet blinks once, then twice, and then I see a flush work its way onto her cheeks.
"I shouldn't have said that," she stammers, backing away and practically fleeing towards the doors. I just stand there, frozen, trying to process what she just said.
I can't stop thinking about how he could never measure up to you.
My heart starts again, beating rapidly. I suck in a deep breath. My mind comes back online.
Like fuck she's just leaving after saying that.
"Wait a sec!" I call after her, finally regaining control of my legs and practically sprinting after her. "What?"
It seems that's the only fucking question I'm capable of asking her tonight.
"Just forget I said anything," she says as she digs through the pockets of her jeans, no doubt looking for her key card. "I'm drunk and stupid."
"You're drunk and the smartest damn woman I've ever met," I correct her. "And you seem to be asking me to forget a lot of things that you've done, which doesn't exactly seem fair."
She shoots me a glare, but continues pawing through her pockets. "I can't find my key card," she mutters, then pales. "Oh shit. I think I left it with Rhiannon. I gave it to her before we got to the bar to hold on to."
I frown. "Do you know when she'll be back?" I ask.
"No clue," she sighs, before looking back at me. "You should go home. I'll wait here for her to get back."
"Fuck no," I say instantly, with a little more force than I probably should have. Violet looks at me with surprise. "I'm not leaving you out, by yourself, at-" I pull out my phone and glance at it. "-1 a.m. in the morning."
"Rhiannon probably won't be back for at least another hour and a half, knowing her," Violet huffs. "Just go home."
"If I go home, you're coming with me," I decide aloud. "I'll take the couch, and then bring you back in the morning."
Violet looks at me warily, but I'm not above begging. Not tonight. Not when it comes to her.
"Please, Violet," I plead. "I'll sleep on the damn ground if I have to, but I'm not going to leave you out here."
She lets out a deep sigh, and I know I've won.
"Fine," she grumbles. "Where do you live?"
"Not far."
We walk, again, in silence, but this time her hand isn't in mine and she makes a point to keep her distance. It's a distance I feel in my bones. Gods, the fucking effect this woman has on me.
The lights are out when we get back to the small house I rent with Garrick, Bodhi, and Lia, which means everyone is either asleep or still out drinking. I'm hoping it's the second option. I don't want to risk any of them waking up to see me sneaking Violet Sorrengail into the house. I'd never live it down.
I unlock the sliding door, flicking the lights on in our tiny living room. Violet is swaying on her feet, and I'm not sure if it's from the liquor or exhaustion.
"Where's your bathroom?" she asks queasily. Liquor it is. I grab her by the hand and lead her through my bedroom and into my attached bathroom. She lunges for the toilet, promptly emptying the contents of her stomach when she reaches it. I rush forward myself, gathering the hair that's escapes from her braid and pulling it away from her face.
We sit there for almost thirty minutes, and I take to rubbing her back soothingly as she dry heaves. I murmur comforting words as tears leak out of her eyes and she groans at the discomfort. When she finally stops throwing up, I help her to her feet, guiding her back into my room and setting her on my bed before I rummage through my drawers for a clean t-shirt to give her. She accepts the t-shirt offering without a word.
"You can take my room," I say quietly. "I'll sleep on the couch."
"I'll take the couch," she protests, but exhaustion lines her face, and I know she doesn't have much fight left in her. "I'm not going to kick you out of your own bed."
"I'm kicking myself out of my own bed," I reply instantly. "I'll be right back."
I go to the kitchen, getting some ibuprofen and a large glass of water. When I return to my room, Violet's clothes are in a pile in the corner, and she's tucked herself under my comforter, drawing the blankets around her like a cocoon.
"Make sure you take this in the morning and drink as much of the water as you can," I tell her, perching myself on the edge of the bed and placing my offerings on the side table. She turns over to look at me, and nods sleepily. I give her a small smile, reaching up to rub her upper arm before standing up and turning out the light.
"Goodnight, Xaden," Violet calls after me softly as I begin to close the door behind me.
Gods, it really is the little things, isn't it? I can't help my own smile.
"Goodnight, Violet."
"Xaden."
My eyes fly open and I sit up on the couch. In the darkness, I see Violet standing at the threshold of my bedroom.
"Are you ok?" My voice is rough with sleep, but I'm immediately alert. "What's wrong?"
Violet stays silent, but she closes the distance between us as I swing my legs over the edge of the couch. I try not to pay attention to the fact that she's wearing my t-shirt, with nothing else but her underwear. I try not to recall exactly what she looks like under that t-shirt, exactly how beautiful every fucking inch of her is. Except I can't help myself on either count.
Gods, I'm fucked. She's ruined me for anyone else.
I stare up at her as she stop just in front of me, her legs just barely brushing my knees. I don't know how long it's been since we went to be, but it's obvious that the span was long enough for her to sober up. Her gaze is sharper, and her footing is more sure. Or maybe she's not, and I'm just hoping she is.
"Violet?" I ask. "I need you to tell me you're ok."
"I'm ok." Her voice is soft, like the waves of her hair that falls down her back and in her face, freed from its braid. I'm fucking obsessed with her hair - I always have been - and ignoring the desire to run my hands through it is taking all of my willpower.
My heart just about stops again when her small hand comes up to cup my cheek. I close my eyes and lean into her touch, because fuck, tonight has pulled every string of my control taut, and I'm bound to snap if I don't relieve some of the tension.
"Violet," I say again, voice rough for entirely different reasons. "What are we doing?"
"'What are we doing,' huh." Violet murmurs my words back to me, almost as if she is talking to herself. She seems lost in her own mind, those beautiful color-changing eyes of hers locked on my face as if she's searching for something.
It happens so fast that I have a hard time believing that this is the same Violet Sorrengail who only a few hours ago needed my help to stay upright.
I'm still not entirely sure how Violet Sorrengail ended up in my lap.
I'm also not sure that I care.
I should. But I don't.
"Don't do this to me, Violet," I croak, but my hands automatically palm her hips as she straddles my legs. Her arms loop around my neck, and that hair of hers falls in curtains around her face.
"Do what?" she asks.
My control fucking snaps. I don't even care. I can't take this anymore.
"This," I say, tightening my hands where they rest on her hips. "Don't crawl onto my fucking lap or tell me that you were going to break up with Aetos because of me. Don't tell me to forget what you said; don't tell me to forget what we did. I can't do it. It's fucking impossible. I close my eyes every night and you're right fucking there, moaning and sighing and arguing with me and doing dumb shit like nearly castrating some asshole. And then I wake up and see you and have to pretend that I don't think you're the most beautiful woman that's ever existed; that you're not the most brilliant fucking woman I've ever met, and it kills me. You're killing me, Vi. I can't do it. Don't ask me to do it."
Violet looks at me like she can see right through me, past every fucking wall I've tried to build between her and I, straight to the core of my being. I don't know what she sees there. I'm not sure I want to. She stays frustratingly, inexplicably, silent.
"Vi-" I'm practically begging - for what, I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending she nothing more than a friend of a friend, or an acquaintance, or an occasional verbal sparring partner. I can't keep pretending that she's not the center of my world, that I don't live and breathe off of the little crumbs of herself she leaves in her wake each time our paths cross.
Violet stares. And stares. And stares a little bit more. Then she sighs, and leans in a little bit closer, her expression serious.
"I lied before, when I said I wanted you to forget what we did last year," she admits quietly.
Hope is a dangerous thing, yet it flickers to life in my chest regardless at her words.
"Then why did you say you wanted me to?" My voice is low and gravelly. I can feel her breath on my face, and I relish in the proximity, the intimacy of it.
She sucks in a breath. "Because I was scared."
"Of what?"
"You. The idea of you. The idea that there was someone out there who seemed to match me perfectly; someone who wasn't comfortable or familiar yet managed to become the center of my gravity." The admission is soft, quiet, but it fills my whole being.
Then I remember that she just had seven rounds of Fireball, and I deflate.
"You don't mean that," I say with a shake of my head. I force myself to remove my hands from her hips, and push her away as gently as I can. "You're drunk, and you're going to hate me in the morning if I let you keep this up."
Violet has the nerve to fucking laugh. "Is that really what you think?"
I nod. "Based on past experience? Absolutely."
"Fine."
I thought she was killing me, but that one word might have been the death blow when she moves to stand up. I feel the loss of her physical presence acutely; have to stop myself from reaching out for her to stop her from going any further.
"Violet-"
"Lie down," she orders, crossing her arms across her chest as she stares down at me. The moonlight filtering in through the sliding door illuminates her hair, making the tips look ethereal.
I blink through my surprise. "What?"
"I already told you this once, Xaden - it's going to be very difficult to have a conversation if that's all you say. Now. Lie. Down."
And because I'm not an idiot who doesn't listen to the one woman I've ever been in love with when she tells me to do something, I follow her instructions, swinging my feet back onto the couch and shimmying my way down the length of it until I'm stretched out completely.
"Now what?" I inquire. "Because I'm really not following-"
Violet decides that right then is the moment to return to me, and she drops her bodyweight on top of me like a sack of potatoes. My arms come up around her as if on instinct, tucking her smaller body into me as if I could protect her from anything and everything. I'd do it too, if I thought she actually needed my protection. She burrows her face in my chest, hands curling into the threadbare fabric of my t-shirt, and I think whatever this is must be heaven.
"What are we doing, Violet?" I ask again, but this time I allow myself the pleasure of running my hands through her hair, which has fascinated me since the day I met her.
She untucks her face from where she'd buried it, propping her chin on my chest as a sleepy smile stretches across her face.
"Ask me that again in the morning, Xaden, and I'll tell you."
Hope is a drug that I don't even realize I'm addicted to until Violet buries her face in my chest again and dozes off. I stare at the ceiling, memorizing the feel of her on top of me; using me as her own personal pillow, my hand running through her hair as lightly and slowly as possible so as to not wake her.
But if there's one thing I've learned in life, its that I should be focusing on the probabilities, not the possibilities - and the probability that this woman, who has told me every single time I've seen her that she hates me, has miraculously had a change of heart is incredibly low. Not that I would deserve her even if she had. I don't think there's anything I could do to deserve her.
But gods do I want her.
And now that her and Aetos are done - permanently, I suspect - my addiction is rearing its ugly head. I want Violet - no, I need her - the same way I need to breathe. I'm addicted to her slow breathing as she sleeps on top of me. I can't get enough of the way the color of her eyes shifts when she's annoyed. I'm obsessed with the way she tilts her head to the side when she's thinking. I can't stop thinking about every petal, leaf, and stem that makes up the human named Violet Sorrengail.
That's the thing with addiction though - as wonderful as it feels in the moment, it is equally capable of ruining me in ways I'm not fully aware of until I so far off the deep end that I have no chance at returning to the way things used to be. That's how my feelings for Violet are. She arrived in my life, and its like I recognized her as that single puzzle piece that managed to mysteriously go missing; the one that completes the puzzle of my very existence. She completes me, yet she's always just out of reach.
Until, it seems now. With her on top of me, and me trying to find reasons why things won't go the way I'm praying they will.
I will let myself have this night. I will let myself have Violet, even if it's only in my head, until dawn. I won't fall asleep - I will savor every fucking second.
Until, I'm sure, she rips my heart out of my chest with her own two hands once again.
I inevitably fall asleep, and I wake up feeling lighter.
Bright morning sunshine is streaming in through the sliding door, and I opt to keep my eyes firmly shut as I try to pinpoint why I feel so light. I feel like I had a really good dream last night - one where Violet finally kicked that asswipe of a boyfriend to the curb and where she let me hold her hand and take care of her. Gods, what a dream.
Wait. A dream?
It hits me. My eyes fly open, and my fears are confirmed. Violet isn't weighing me down anymore. In fact, I see no sign of her.
There's an unpleasant twisting in my gut as the events of last night come rushing back to me. The hope I felt before crumbles at her absence - literal and metaphoric. I was right - this might be what finally destroys me, having Violet push me away again.
I swing my legs back over the couch, moving to stand and stretch. After being crammed on the relatively small couch, my muscles are aching. Violet is probably long gone by now, the thought of which has me debating going to the gym to beat the crap out of a punching bag or going on a long drive to nowhere and never returning. I can hear sounds coming from the kitchen, which I'm guessing is Liam - he's the only one of us that actually knows how to cook - and the smells of breakfast are everywhere now. I go in that direction.
If today is the day Violet Sorrengail deigns to put the final nail in my coffin, I'll be damned if I don't have a full stomach for the occasion.
I walk through the threshold to the kitchen, combing my fingers through my hair in an attempt to tame my bedhead. "Liam, what are you-"
I stop dead, because I swear my eyes are playing tricks on me. I blink one, then again, then give myself a shake, because it isn't Liam standing by the stove flipping over strips of bacon.
It's Violet.
She stayed.
And just like that, those little shattered pieces of hope begin to glue themselves back together again.
"Violet?" I ask dumbly, as if she's not standing five feet away from me. She's looking at me with an amused look on her face. Her hair is still down, and she's still only wearing my t-shirt, which only adds to her already unbearable beauty. I am really, truly, so fucked.
"That's me," she quips with a laugh, before returning her attention to the bacon she is painstakingly cooking, her brow furrowing slightly. "This bacon is almost done, and I have French toast in the oven."
What the fuck is happening right now? Is Violet Sorrengail... cooking me breakfast?
"What?" I ask, because again, I'm an idiot.
She glances at me, eyebrow raised. "I thought I told you we couldn't have a conversation like that."
The hope I'm feeling grows a little more. With all that she'd had to drink last night, I was worried her memory would be cloudy, but it seems those fears were unfounded.
"You did tell me that," I admit, taking a chance and moving a bit closer to her. "You didn't tell me you were planning on making breakfast, but I'll let it slide, since I didn't plan to cook this morning anyways."
"As if you know how to cook," she snorts. Of course, she's not wrong.
We fall into companionable silence as I move about the kitchen collecting plates and silverware, while she removes the bacon from the burner and pulls the French toast from the oven.
"I noticed you don't have a dining table in here," Violet observes as she heaps bacon onto my plate.
"We graduate in a week." I shrug, and fight not to watch how Violet brings her fingers to her mouth to lick off the grease from the bacon. I fail miserably, and the sight goes straight south, and I have to shift my weight around. "We've been getting rid of furniture."
Violet hums, a stony look crossing her face for all but a second before disappearing. She hauls herself up to sit on the counter, munching on a piece of bacon as she does, and I didn't think it was possible for me to fall in love with her any more than I already have, but she keeps proving me wrong. Seeing her like this - like eating breakfast with me is normal - isn't good for my heart.
There's so much I want to know about her, so much that I want to talk about with her, that the thought that I may never get the chance is almost physically painful.
"Why did you sleep with me last year?" I ask her desperately, before I can stop to think of all the reasons I might not want to know the answer to that question.
The hand holding her fork freezes midway to her plate, and she looks up to meet my gaze. The silence is killing me, but I try to memorize how her eyes study me.
"Why do you want to know?" she finally asks in return.
"Because I can't stop thinking about you, Violet, and the idea that I'm about to leave and never know where we stand is killing me."
It's one of the few completely honest things I've ever said to her.
"You said that last night," she muses. She drops the fork onto her plate, and reaches out to run her hand in my hair. I shouldn't be this fucking elated over such simple contact, yet here I am. "That I'm killing you."
"Because you are," I say simply. This is too fucking important - she's too fucking important - for me to be anything other than 100% honest with her in this moment. I haven't been honest for a year now, and I can't do it anymore. I take her hand in my hair as permission to close the gap between us. She silently moves her knees apart, and I step between them, silently thanking every god who can hear me. "You have the unique ability to completely and utterly destroy me, Violence."
"I don't want to destroy you," she whispers, and my heart swells.
"Then don't. It's your call."
She takes a deep breath. Her hand drops away from my hair, and her other arm comes up to loop around my neck, drawing me in closer.
The world around us ceases to exist, because my world solely consists of Violet. It always has. I suspect it always will.
"I shouldn't have slept with you last year," she says. My heart crack a little, but she quickly continues. "Because I wasn't being honest with myself when I did. I told myself - told you - that it was a mistake, that we needed to pretend it never happened, that it meant nothing. I lied." She shrugs, and I swear she looks nervous. "Do you remember the first time we met? When I was a freshman?"
I nod, holding onto every word.
"That creep came up to me, saying a little girl like me would get hurt if no one was around to protect me. I've been overprotected my whole life." Her voice is devastatingly self-depreciating, and I fight the urge to wrap her in my arms. Instead, I grip the countertop even tighter. "So I whipped out that knife, and- well, you know happened." I chuckle at that, and she does too, a devastating smile turning up the corners of her mouth. "And then- you came out. Sure, you dragged me away from the guy and probably scared 10 years off his lifespan, but it wasn't because you didn't think I couldn't take care of myself."
I'd kill a man to get Violet to always look at me the way she looks at me now - with a bit of wonder, mixed with appreciation and something else I don't dare put a name to.
"You don't," I say quickly. "Need someone to take care of you, I mean." I mean every word. She's the strongest person I know.
"I know I don't. But you were the first person to see that, to get mad at me for doing something stupid rather than for daring to defend myself in the first place, if that makes sense." She sighs, and her arms tighten around my neck. "I'm not sure I'm explaining it well. Eitherr way, I should've known I was fucked right then and there."
I let my own arms come from where they're gripping the counter top to wrap around her waist. I can't help myself. Not right now. Not when my addiction is all I can feel; all I can think about.
"Violet-" My voice is low and and the air feels charged. "What are we doing?"
It's the third time I've asked this question, and I need an answer. She promised she'd answer today, and I can't keep dancing around her. I need to know.
Violet shuts her eyes and sucks in another deep breath, as if she's steeling herself for battle. When they open again, I see that unnamable something in her eyes.
"We're being really stupid twenty-somethings that clearly can't be honest with each other about how we feel," she whispers. "I'm in love with you, Xaden. I have been for a while, and I hid it like an idiot for so many reasons, but mostly because I couldn't stand the thought of you rejecting me. And then last night, I realized this was probably my last chance to tell you, and that I couldn't stand the thought of you leaving and not knowing even more."
I stare. I stare. And then I stare some more. Then I laugh.
It starts slow, but then bubbles up until I sound like a crazy person, laughing my head off.
"Violence," I say through laughter-induced tears. "I'm incapable of rejecting you. I don't fucking deserve you."
Violet looks at me like I've grown a second head.
"You seriously think you don't deserve me?" she asks incredulously.
I nod, and she scoffs. "You, Xaden Riorson, are unbelievable. You may not believe it, but I don't give two flying shits about what you think you deserve, and frankly, neither should you. It doesn't matter whether or not you deserve me, because I'm choosing you anyways."
"You're choosing me?" I ask.
She nods.
"You're choosing me?" I ask again, the revelation finding its home in my heart and mind.
Violet smiles, and all is right with the world.
"Yes, Xaden." She pulls me towards her and presses her lips against mine softly, before pulling away. "I choose you."
Holy hell.
"You're killing me, Violence." I pull her towards me again and slant my mouth over hers. The kiss deepens almost immediately, and Violet sighs. I capture the sound as I kiss her, tilting her head to find that perfect angle. Her lips part and I take the open invitation, exploring her mouth as our tongues meet. Kissing Violet is perhaps the most euphoric experience of my life, and if I have my way, I'll be doing it every day for the rest of my fucking life. I can't get enough of her. I don't think I ever will.
When I pull away we're both panting, and I press my forehead against hers, out breaths combining.
"Violet Sorrengail, I don't think I could be more in love with you if I tried," I admit, because she deserves the full truth. Every time. "I don't deserve you, but I'm going to keep you just the same."
Her hand starts twirling a piece of hair at the nape of my neck. "Only if you're mine."
I smile. "Every piece of me."
Maybe if I hadn't been so scared of my own feelings, I wouldn't have had to wait this long to finally have her.
But I do have her. And she has me.
She told me herself.
We sit there, grinning at each other like idiots, for about 30 more seconds, when the bubbles bursts.
"Are you two done admitting your eternal love for each other now?" Garrick stands in the doorway, looking bored as he munches on an apple. Violet shoves me away, a firey blush working its way onto her cheeks. I glower, and recapture one of her hands in mine, before returning my attention to my best friend.
"Fuck off."
A devious grin stretches across his face. "I could, but then who would show your new girlfriend the video?"
"Don't you fucking dare," I warn, but it's too late. Violet perks up, clearly curious.
"What video?" she asks, and Liam appears at Garrick's side, a matching grin on his face.
"Violet, I have been waiting to show you this for months," he laughs.
I feel my own cheeks heat as Violet watches the video with unmatched glee. She doesn't let me forget about it for years, long after the two of us have graduated and started the next phases of our lives. She helps Garrick sneak it into the slideshow at our wedding, and once made a t-shirt with a particularly funny screen grab from the video.
I'm ok with all of that. How could I not be?
Violet loves me, I love her, and nothing else matters.