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Yesterday, my mom died. That’s the first thought that fills my mind and the reality of that threatens to send me spiraling.
Xaden pulled from the earth. That’s the second thought that fills my mind and that reality does send me spiraling.
I reach out my hand to feel the bed next to me where Xaden had held me as I cried myself to sleep, both of us unsure if touching me was truly safe. The bed is cold and my heart sinks with the possibilities.
I shoot up in bed, my eyes flying open. Fuck, my head hurts. Is the third thought I have as the morning light streaming through the window seemingly pierces my skull. I hiss in pain, bringing my hands up to cradle my head as the room tilts and nausea flares. I let myself fall against the cool wall next to me, and desperately try to collect myself.
I’ve had headaches like this before. Growing up, I’d lay in a cool, dark room while my dad brought me cold compresses and steaming cups of hot chocolate when my nausea wasn’t too bad. He’d read me stories to pass the time and silently stroke my hair when the pain became too much. Now, they’re both dead. The thought filters into my brain before I can stop it and tears threaten all over again.
Get a grip. I mentally reprimand myself. Lately, it seems like I can’t get through anything without my body protesting in some way. Rationally, I guess that makes sense, but it doesn’t stop me from being annoyed by it. Being betrayed by your own body is it’s own special kind of torture.
A chill works its way down my spine, causing me to clench my teeth as pain laces through my head. I dig my fingers into my skull, trying to get any sort of relief.
“Should I send for your brother?” Tairn’s voice filters into my mind with a hint of concern.
In all reality, Brennan is probably my best bet, but I also know how close he was to burnout yesterday. I can picture him on the steps, looking on the verge of passing out, and then I’m reminded of the countless riders, fliers, and infantry who were injured yesterday, including Sawyer, and conclude that he is needed elsewhere.
Tairn gives the equivalent of a sigh. “Who else would you like me to send for? You shouldn’t be alone right now.” Tairn knows the answer to that question, but Sgaeyl isn’t on speaking terms with Xaden right now and that puts Tairn in a hard position. I can still feel the mental pathway to Sgaeyl but it’s dulled. I try not to dwell on what that may mean.
I instead focus on the dark onyx swirling in the corner of my mind, attempting to pinpoint where Xaden could be. The fact that I can still feel him has my heart slowing ever so slightly with relief. As if in response, I feel a caress of his shadows in my mind.
“I’ll be back upstairs soon. Sleep a bit longer.” He encourages. If only I could get back to sleep.
The pain in my head spikes at the same moment the room spins and I know I’m going to be sick. A whimper works it’s way up my throat as I crack my eyes open just enough to spot my trash can, quickly followed by a full-on moan as I try to move my sluggish limbs to snatch it from the floor beside my bed. I thank Zinhal that Xaden hadn’t moved it from last night when I filled it with tissues from my sobbing.
I breathe heavily over the opening of the trash can, squeezing my eyes shut against the incessant pounding in my skull. “Xaden, help.” I beg down the bond, cursing myself for being so weak.
“I’m on my way.” He responds instantly and I hear the fear and worry within the thought.
A wave of dizziness flows through me before a forceful retch has me seeing stars. There’s not much in my stomach, but that doesn’t stop it from trying to turn itself inside out, the pain in my head pulsating with each heave. It feels like I’ll be trapped in this cycle of pain leading to nausea leading to pain forever. Tears flow down my face at the loss of control and I don’t try to stop them.
I’m gasping in the aftermath with my eyes tightly shut when Xaden tears into the room, quickly making his way to my side. His hand is hesitant as it splays on my back, still unsure if touching me is safe. We don’t know the rules of all of this yet, nor do we have a good way to find out - not when Navarre has buried all information about venin.
“Violet? What’s wrong? Is it your stomach?” His thumb gently moves back and forth near my shoulder blade, giving me a much needed distraction from the pain.
“Really bad headache.” I swallow against the still persistent nausea and shiver, the feeling of wanting to escape my own body overwhelming me.
“I’d say so.” He pulls a blanket over my shoulders and wraps his arm around me when I sway with another wave of dizziness. “Has this happened before?”
“When I was younger.” My toes curl in response to another wave of pain and I find myself once again retching into the trash can before I even consciously know what’s happening. “It hurts.” I whimper desperately as flashes of agony surge through me.
“I know.” Xaden’s hand slowly works its way up and down my arm soothingly. “We’ll get you something to help.”
When my stomach finally settles, I bury my head in my hands, desperately trying to block out the light and provide some sort of counter pressure. A sob rips itself from deep within me at the discomfort of it all. I feel Xaden stiffen next to me.
“Hey, talk to me, Violence. What’s going on?” His tone is desperate across the bond.
“Too bright.” I whine, digging my fingers into my hair and feeling the wetness of my tears collecting on my palms.
Xaden hesitates and that moment of hesitation nearly tears me to shreds. “I think I can help with that, but just to be safe, I’m going to let go of you and go across the room.” His hands grab my shoulders. “Let me just prop you up against the wall first. You’re swaying a bit too much for comfort.” He gently maneuvers me until my back is against the cool stone, trash can still in my lap. His hand lingers on my arm before he sighs and pulls away.
“I trust you.” I say through the bond, trying to offer some sense of reassurance to him in this new territory where we find ourselves.
I feel the bed shift as he moves to stand. “I love you.” He says in response, sending the surety of that statement down through the bond.
I take a breath alongside him and then the room is cloaked in the darkness of his shadows. I hesitantly bring my hands away from my head and look up to where Xaden stands near my wardrobe. He has a faint smile on his face and an indescribable look of relief.
I allow a smile of my own to form, before a spike of pain turns it into a gasp and grimace. I feel Xaden’s eyes on me and feel the bed shift as he settles in beside me.
“Tell me what you need.” He requests. I feel his hand hesitate above my arm, before lightly brushing it and pulling away again, as if he needs the reassurance that he won’t hurt me.
I turn my head and drop my forehead against his upper arm, in an effort to once again show him my trust. Plus, his arm is cool against my forehead, which is an added bonus. He tenses momentarily before relaxing. Good. I think to myself, before remembering his request. “A cold compress for my head, a pain tincture, and maybe something for the nausea.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” He responds, before kissing me lightly on my head and shifting as if to leave.
I grab his arm, holding him in place. “Please don’t leave.” I beg, groaning and panting in pain in response to the abrupt movement.
“I’ll send for Cuir’s rider to retrieve the items.” Tairn states, warmth filtering through the bond.
“Thank you.” I sigh in relief.
Xaden weaves his hand into my hair and gently rubs his thumb back and forth.
“Tairn is talking to Cuir. Bodhi will bring everything.” I relay to Xaden, leaning in to his touch.
“How can I make you more comfortable in the meantime?” Xaden asks while continuing his gentle ministrations with his thumb.
I press my head into his arm again as a throb pulsates through my head. “Just stay with me.” I insist.
Xaden sighs. “I promise I will, Violet.” He responds with conviction and I know he means more than just in this moment.
We maintain the same position for a few minutes, my occasional groans and whimpers filling the silence of the room while Xaden’s thumb continues to soothe and keep me grounded, until my stomach decides to rebel again. When I’m left sobbing and trembling in the aftermath, Xaden wraps his arms around me, cradling my head against his chest while gently running his hand up and down my spine. I fist the fabric of his tunic in my hands, desperate to be closer to him in hopes it will allow me to escape the pain.
“Try to breathe with me. I know it hurts, but Bodhi should be here soon. Just hang on a little longer.” Xaden instructs, taking a deep breath while stroking his hand along my spine in coordination with the movement.
I follow his example and take deep shaky breaths in and out, trying to focus on the feeling of each breath in my body, rather than the pain crushing my head.
“Good. Try to relax as much as you can.” He continues tracing his hand up and down my spine in sync with my breaths.
Xaden’s familiar scent of leather and mint fills my nose and his heartbeat resounds in my ears, allowing me to float in the comfort of him. I’m unsure how much time passes, but eventually there’s a gentle knock on the door.
“I’m going to move you, all right?” Xaden warns. I whimper as he starts to sit me up. “That pain tincture is just on the other side of the door. Then, you can sleep and hopefully wake up feeling a lot better.” He kisses my head and starts moving me again. This time, I bite my lower lip to keep from making any noise.
Xaden tucks a strand of hair behind my ear once I’m propped against the cold wall, squeezes my shoulder gently, and then I feel the bed shift as he moves to stand. “The hallway will be bright. You may want to cover your eyes.”
I do as he says, groaning as slivers of light still manage to find their way through my fingers and eyelids, searing my head.
“Hey. I got everything Cuir said to bring and threw in an apple juice too.” I hear as Bodhi passes the items to Xaden. “Brennan caught whiff of the situation. I convinced him to stay put for now but I’m sure he will be by sooner rather than later to check on her.”
I hear Xaden sigh. “Thanks, Bodhi. I appreciate this.”
“Happy to help. I’ll be in my room if you need anything else.” Bodhi replies.
I hear the door click shut and let out a breath of relief as darkness encompasses the room yet again.
“How nauseous are you? Should we start with the nausea tincture first? It’s not Brennan’s formulation, it’s the second one Winifred put you on, but it’s better than nothing.” My thoughts swirl guiltily with how often my body has betrayed me the last few months. I can’t help but wish that Xaden didn’t need to be able to identify specific nausea tinctures. My head throbs as if to pull me from my thoughts.
“Nausea tincture first is probably a good idea.” I admit, opening my eyes to watch as Xaden uncorks the vial before handing it to me.
I swallow thickly, willing my stomach to stay in its place before downing the vial. The earthy taste floods my mouth and I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. Xaden is somehow by my side now, kissing me on my temple.
Xaden waits patiently while I fight to keep the tincture down. Eventually, the nausea begins to fade and I’m able to relax marginally, relieved to have one symptom dealt with.
I feel the cool glass of the next uncorked vial against my hand and open my eyes to Xaden’s averted gaze. He’s still not keen on me seeing the subtle red ring around his irises and if I’m being honest, I’m all right with that arrangement.
I swallow the tincture and wait impatiently for the telltale warm feeling to spread throughout my body, muting the pain. I press my forehead against Xaden’s arm again, waiting it out.
“Once that starts to work, let’s get some apple juice in you before you go to sleep.” I shift my head against his arm in protest. “At least a little. I’m not debating on this one, Violence. Between yesterday and today, you’re definitely dehydrated, which is only going to make you feel worse.”
I sigh. “Fine.” I relent, knowing he’s right… even if it annoys me to admit it.
He rubs my arm. “Thank you.”
Once the pain tincture takes effect, Xaden coaxes me to drink half of the mug of apple juice before allowing me to lay down on the slightly elevated pillows. He positions one of compresses under my neck, another at the top of my head, and a final one he rests over my eyes after kissing me on the forehead.
“How are you feeling?” He asks as he pulls the blankets over us.
“Better.” I manage to respond through the growing fogginess of my mind. “Thank you.”
“Get some sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Xaden promises and I feel the bed dip as he lays down next to me.
“I love you.” I murmur as I feel the pull of sleep taking me under.
“I love you too.” Xaden replies.
I sigh in contentment, realizing that the thoughts I woke up with don’t seem as overwhelming anymore. I love Xaden and he loves me… the rest can be figured out together.