Chapter Text
Kimi sat by the window, leaning his head back so his neck would touch the cool window sill. He let out a deep breath as the beads of sweat dripped down his face. His breathing slowly started to calm down as his eyes started to flutter shut, his eyelids becoming heavy. He tried to fight the urge to close his eyes until he heard the bang of the door slamming open. He immediately pushed himself onto his feet, watching as the man walked closer toward him.
“Tired, Andrea?”
“No sir” he said, shaking his head slightly.
“We cannot have our prized possession tired for the big day, can we?” he said, pushing a curl away from Kimi’s face.
“No sir”
“Then pull it together, we leave in an hour.” he said, slamming the door on his way out.
Kimi pulled the small curl back in front of his face before laying on the small bed across from his. The one which belonged to his “brother” years ago. He thinks of him everyday, especially since the loss of the others. The others aged out, finally having the freedom he seeked to receive one day. He remembered those days clearly, one by one they slowly left him, till he was the last one left. The academy stepped away from keeping children full time for some reason unknown to him, leaving the hall of the dormitories eerily quiet.
He had hoped Max would come back for him, even though he knew deep down he couldn’t. Max had tried to protect him from everything, he had tried to keep their punches from cracking his porcelain skin. He had failed, the look on Max’s face after it happened the first time was something that would live in Kimi’s mind forever. It had looked like all the color had been sucked out of his face and his eyes had never shown so much worry. He ran to Kimi, lifting him up into his arms and rocking him slightly.
But Max was gone now, and he needed to move on. He was going into F1, Max was his competitor, not his “brother”. The thought of having to think of him as that made his stomach hurt and his eyes well up with tears. He knew that deep down a part of him would always think of him as his big brother. The part of him that remembered when Max would be the one to calm him down after nightmares, the part of him that remembered the punches Max took so he didn’t have to.
Kimi traced the lines of the mattress with his fingers as his tears slowly dripped down onto it. He tried to calm himself down until the tears turned sobs that would rack his body. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to go into F1, he didn’t want to have to see his brother as the enemy.
———
Max remembers the pain he felt reading the headline over and over again, hoping that just maybe he was reading it wrong. Praying that Kimi wouldn’t be forced into this sport, not with them, not still being only seventeen. Kimi couldn’t escape from them yet, he was still just a kid.
He felt the guilt from all his years of freedom hit him at the same time, creating a sense of nausea in his stomach and a sadness that took over the rest of his body. He leaned back into his small bed, covering his face with his hands before he heard the quiet ring of his phone.
“Hello?” he said, trying to cover up the sadness in his voice.
“Max?” a voice said quietly.
Charles. The only other academy racer on the grid, the only other racer who could understand the pain Max was feeling.
The pair had grown up there, those brick walls are all they had ever known. They never had a family, never had someone to comfort them after a bad race, never had someone to tend to the bruising all over their bodies, all they had was each other.
“I saw what happened to Kimi, I'm so sorry.”
“It’s okay, he’ll be okay. He was always a strong little thing.
“I know, but still going into F1 with them is hard. I’m worried about him, he’s only seventeen.
Max blinked away the tears that threatened to fall before saying, “I know, I'm so worried about him. I just hope that maybe there is a possibility that they’ll treat him better than they’ve ever treated us.”
There was a small stretch of silence before Max continued, “I don’t know what I'm going to do when I see him again. I know they're not going to let me get close to him but still, that’s my little brother, all I want to do is protect him.”
———
The hotel room was quiet, it was like the calm before the storm of testing. Kimi had driven the car before in the various testing days Mercedes had set up for him and he had more than enough hours in the simulator, but that wasn’t what had been worrying him. It was the thought of continuing with the academy, the thought of having to go through it with them.
Kimi heard the alarm start to ring, disrupting the peace of the room. He rolled over, shoving his face into the soft pillow under him.
“Get up,” He heard his trainer say before feeling the slap against his back.
He let out a small groan before pushing himself up from the mattress and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“You’ve got 15 minutes before breakfast, okay?” he asked.
Kimi gave a small nod before walking over to his suitcase to pull out an outfit. He yanked out a small pair of shorts and a white mercedes shirt, one of many he had stuffed into his suitcase. The ground was cold and rough against his feet as he walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him and setting his pile of clothes on the marble countertop. His eyes met his own as he stared ahead at the mirror, noticing the dark bags under his eyes. He quickly broke his gaze away as he shoved on the new set of clothes.
Kimi rushed out of the bathroom and into the main room, grabbing his bag before turning back to his trainer.
“Ready?” he asked.
“Yes sir.” Kimi replied quietly before exiting the room.
The walk to breakfast was silent as usual, Kimi had kept up with the rules installed into him as a child, the routines almost becoming robotic at this point. The major one being not to speak unless spoken to, the rule that had made Kimi silent to most people.
“Sit I’ll grab yours.” his trainer said as Kimi plopped into one of the hard chairs.
He had sunken deep into the chair, letting his head rest on the back. He picked at his fingers, causing the small scabs by his nails to reopen.
“Morning Kimi,” a voice said, causing Kimi to quickly sit up and look for the voice.
“Oh, good morning.” he said, spotting George Russel standing beside him.
“All Good?” he asked, looking at the boy's scabbed fingers.
Kimi gave him a nod as he tried to hide his hands before saying, “Yeah, just tired.”
“Long night last night?” George asked.
“Yeah, I couldn't sleep. Probably just nerves though.”
“You’ll be okay Kimi, nothing to worry about. It’s just testing, think about it as a little warm up for next weekend.” he said rubbing the boy's shoulder, causing Kimi to move away with a groan.
George looked at Kimi with a face of worry, “Sorry, i’m just a bit sore.” he said, trying to cover up his actions.
“It’s alright, no need to apologize, kid.”
Kimi began to tense up, watching as his trainer walked back over to the table. He set down the small bowl of yogurt and fruit before turning to George Russel.
“George Russel, nice to meet you. I'm Leon Wren, Kimi’s trainer.”
George took a quick look down at Kimi before looking back at his trainer, “Nice to meet you. Uhm, I’ll leave you two for now, see you both soon.” George said, walking away from the pair.
“What did you two talk about?” his trainer asked.
Kimi took a small breath as he picked at his yogurt, “nothing” he said quietly.
Leon rolled his eyes at Kimi, “Don’t do that with me I know it wasn’t nothing.”
“He just wanted to ask how I was.” Kimi said, leaning away from the older man.
“You didn’t tell him anything, right?”
He stayed quiet for a moment as he bit the inside of his cheek, the familiar metallic taste entering his mouth, “I didn’t tell him anything.”
———
Kimi sat in the back corner of the garage, watching on a small screen as George drove lap after lap. He knew he should have been up with Toto, learning from what George was doing, but it was like the exhaustion from the lack of sleep the night before and the laps he had just finished had finally caught up to him. He tried to keep his eyes open, fighting every urge to fall asleep.
———
Kimi lost his battle against sleep, finally resting half way through George’s laps.
He felt himself be shaken slightly before hearing, “Kimi, Kimi, wake up.”
Kimi shot up, flinching slightly away from
George’s touch and into the wall behind him. His face turned up to look at George, immediately relaxing once he noticed who it was.
“Sorry, you scared me.” Kimi said quietly, tilting his face away from George’s.
“It’s alright Kimi, we couldn’t find you for a second there.” George said with a slight laugh.
George immediately noticed the look in Kimi’s eyes, the look of pure fear on his face before he realized it was him. He had noticed it earlier too, at breakfast when Kimi’s trainer had come back, but George didn’t know Kimi, not enough to make an assumption like that.
Kimi looked back up at him, showing a small smile, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have dozed off. I just felt so tired, I don’t know why.”
“Don’t apologize Kimi, It’s alright I promise. We have a meeting we need to get to though so we should head over there.” He said, reaching an arm down to pull the younger boy up.
George knew something was off about the young boy, he wasn’t sure what yet, but he was going to do whatever he could to try and protect him. The Formula 1 world was brutal, it was something he had experienced first hand. If he could do anything to make it better for him, he would.
———
The sounds of Max’s thoughts drowned out the loud noises of the busy restaurant. He couldn’t think about anything else, only the worries about Kimi filled his head. He’d been replaying the last few years of his life in his head, trying to find a moment where he could’ve gone back, where he could have stopped any of this from happening. The moments he did find made him feel sick to his stomach, he could’ve stopped this, he should’ve.
“Max, are you okay?” Charles asked, laying a hand on top of the other boy's hand as he sat down across from him.
Max gave a short nod before saying, “Just thinking about him.”
Charles let out a sigh as he squeezed Max's hand a little tighter. He knew what Max had been thinking, he knew that Max blamed himself no matter how many times Charles reassured him that he couldn’t have done anything. Now he could see that sad look in his eyes again.
The pair went quiet again, only the sounds of silver wear clattering filled the space, but Charles noticed how Max’s eyes drifted down towards Charles' scarred hand.
“Max stop.” Charles said, pulling his hand back into his lap and moving his face down to look at it.
“I couldn’t stop them, I never could. It’s my fault, all of it. I should’ve done something. Charles I could’ve done something.” Max said, a sense of anger and sadness filling his voice.
“Max,” Charles said, shaking his head.
“We both know that’s not true. It’s not your fault. I was there too, we both tried and failed at protecting each other and we both failed at protecting Kimi. But there was never a world that won against them, and I know you know that.” Charles said.
Their time in the academy is something that would always haunt them. No matter how many years passed they would still wake up by nightmares, they would still have the reactions instilled into them, and they would still have the scars that littered their bodies.
“Let’s not think about that.” Charles said, leaning back in his chair as he grabbed the menu in front of him.
Max grabbed the menu in front of him, looking over a few options. The only thing in his head though was the feeling of sadness, he tried to cover it up throughout the night, but he knew Charles could always see right through his hiding.
The car door slammed shut as Max sunk deep into the seat, covering his face with his hands. Charles got into the passenger seat, showing a face of concern as he closed the door. He watched as Max’s chest started to rise and fall quicker before hearing the quiet sob escape his lips.
“Hey,” Charles said softly, as he grabbed Max’s hands, pulling them away from his face and holding them in his hands.
“It’s okay, Kimi’s going to be okay.” he said, trying to calm Max down as he rubbed his hands gently with his thumbs.
Max bit the inside of his cheek, trying to stop himself from letting any more tears fall, the familiar metallic taste filling his mouth.
“I miss him so much.” he paused for a second, “fuck, I miss him more than I miss anything in this world. All I want is to hold him and tell him I'm so sorry.”
Charles knew Max and Kimi’s relationship was different than his and Kimi’s. Kimi was Charles' little brother, but he was Max’s everything.
———
Kimi tucked his knees tightly into his chest, trying to drown out the words of his trainer next to him. It only took a second of them being alone in a car together for him to explode on him.
“It was embarrassing Andrea, you know that right? We had to go find you only for you to be fucking asleep. Your team might let that slide but I won’t, the academy will not be embarrassed by you.”
The zoning out never worked, every word he said hurt, every word he said made him feel more and more disappointed with himself.
“Well since you can’t be that tired you can go run when we get back to the hotel.” he said after getting no response from Kimi.
Kimi gave a wide eyed look before saying, “what, but I just worked all day?”
His trainer scoffed, “You slept, that’s what you did, could barely call that working.”
Kimi leaned back in his seat, biting down on the inside of his cheek and letting the metallic taste fill his mouth. He had to get out, he had to make it through one last season.
The drive back felt too fast, the pit in Kimi’s stomach felt deeper as he stepped out of the car feeling the immediate grab of his shoulder. His trainer kept a tight grip on him pulling him into the small hotel gym.
Kimi let out a sigh before stepping on the treadmill in front of him. He watched as his trainer walked over and upped the speed for him.
“You can start, I’ll let you know when to stop.” he said with that stupid smirk on his face.
One mile went by then two, three, four, and finally five. Kimi’s breath was shaky as he leant over the side of the treadmill, trying to regain his breath. He wanted nothing more than to lie down or have a sip of water, both things he knew his trainer wouldn’t let him do.
“That was easy Andrea, but pull something like that again and I won’t be as nice. I only gave you a break today because,” he said, being cut off by the sound of the gym door opening.
Kimi looked up to see Max entering, just as he realized who it was he was quickly dragged away.
“Max,” Kimi said quietly as passed him, before the slam of the gym door cut him off.