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The next time was not for a while, the realities of a galaxy at war saw to that, but eventually they needed a little R&R again. There's only so much death and hopelessness one can take before breaking down. So when they next had a longer journey to cross, Shepard decreed a night off.
The usual bunch found their way to the lounge, slowly, no one really in a mood to party. They took the same places as last time but, as there was no reason to hide anymore, Kaidan sat next to Shepard on the floor, not quite leaning into each other but legs and arms touching casually.
As drinks were served and the serious toasts gotten out of the way, everyone started to relax, if ever so slightly. Shepard knew he had to do something drastic to get everyone's mind off the war, so, even knowing he was going to end up regretting it, he reminded them of the threat from last time.
“Truth or dare, huh.”
“What is that, then?” asked Liara, having obviously not gotten burned the last time.
“What it says on the tin, basically,” Kaidan explained. “Anyone can ask anyone anything, and you are expected to answer truthfully. Dares are... usually worse than truths.”
“Then again, we did just play Spin the Bottle,” Steve said. “It doesn't necessarily get worse than that.”
“Oh. We have something like that. Minus the dares. It's called 'Circle of Truth'. The difference is that when someone asks a question everyone must answer it, including themselves,” Liara said.
“That... doesn't sound bad,” Garrus said.
“It might be, with shameless people in the room,” Steve said dryly, smirking at James.
“Well, I think that in the name of inter-species co-operation we should give a go to a drinking game from another culture,” Sam said, grinning.
“It is not a drinking game in Thessia,” Liara said. “But I guess you can play it while drinking.”
“Do you want to start, then, Liara?” Shepard asked.
“What is the earliest thing you remember?” the Asari asked, after a brief moment. “Mine is listening to my mother's voice, telling me a fairytale that wasn't really a fairytale, but a story from our history.”
Shepard was glad Liara had come to terms with what her mother had become before her death and was focusing on the good memories these days. He was also cursing his game suggestion already, knowing his memories were... not so light, not something anyone would like hearing.
But first it was Kaidan's turn, and this he did want to hear.
“I'm not sure if it's the earliest memory, but the one I recall most clearly... My dad coming home for shore leave. I remember waiting for the shuttle to land among other families, trying to spot the right dark hair among the sea of people in blue. I don't remember how long he stayed, or what we did, not even what he brought me, just the excitement of waiting for him to come home,” Kaidan said, and despite the happiness of the memory he sounded sad by the end.
Shepard gave him an one-armed hug, knowing his lover was thinking about the fact his father would likely never come home again, still officially listed as MIA. Kaidan squeezed his thigh briefly in thanks. Shepard held onto him, knowing he would need the closeness too, having to remember his own childhood.
“I remember being cold and hungry,” he said, quietly. “A lot.”
Kaidan's hand came to rest on his back, wordless support and comfort.
“Is one allowed to ask clarifying questions?” Sam asked quietly when no one else spoke.
“Yes,” Liara said. “But no one is required to answer.”
“I was an orphan in the streets,” Shepard said, looking at Sam, knowing what she wanted to know and not wanting to hear the questions.
“Oh. I'm sorry.”
“I remember being in a hospital,” said Joker with his usual self-deprecating humour when talking about his frailties. “A lot.”
Shepard didn't disengage from the hug but offered his fist for Joker to bump against. Negative memories unite.
“I remember... confusion. Alarm. Will to defend myself. And you, Shepard,” EDI said.
“Yeah, sorry about the whole... shutting you up thing.”
“Think nothing of it,” EDI said. “I was trying to kill you.”
“And me,” Kaidan said, lightly. “So I say we were justified. No offence.”
“None taken, Major.”
“Okay! My turn,” said Sam. “You know I'm a colony girl, right? From Horizon? I remember... there was this girl that used to live next to us, and we played together almost every day. One day we decided to go explore the planet, and somehow managed to get outside the colonised area and... well, got well and truly lost. We were huddling together when they found us hours later. I must have been four or five, but my friend was a little older, and I remember thinking that nothing bad could happen to me as long as Lilith was there...”
Kaidan drew a sudden loud breath, and Sam stopped, turning to look at him.
“I... I think I met her,” he said. “Before the Collectors...”
“Yeah. She... died. But Shepard arrived just in time to save me and my family.”
“And me,” Kaidan said, quietly.
Shepard dropped his hand on the one still resting on his thigh, and pressed it softly. He knew Kaidan still felt guilty about their meeting back then, of not listening to him, especially as he now knew he was the first person Shepard had asked about after waking up, and that even Anderson had refused to tell him anything.
He turned his head to meet Kaidan's eyes, and raised the hand he held to his lips for a quick kiss. Then he turned back to Sam, and found her looking at them quizzically. Oh. They had just confirmed to the others that they were in an actual relationship, and not just sleeping together.
Sam smiled at them. It wasn't the wide, wicked grin she usually wore when they were drinking, but small and almost happy. Shepard nodded, as if in thanks. At least she was in their corner if someone tried to give them grief over their regulation-breaking relationship.
“Enough mushy stuff!” James said. “I remember my first fight. I was a tiny kid – I know, I know, hard to believe now – and the bigger boys would pick on me until one day when I fought back. My uncle saw it and decided to teach me how to not hit like a girl. I won, though.”
“I think you're making that up,” Steve said from his left. “But we'll let it slide. My earliest memory – I think, it's hard to be sure of the order of things – is my dad showing me and mom our new house. The only thing I remember of the place is the coat rack next to the door. Don't ask, it was nothing special. But that's what I remember.”
“To coat racks,” James said, grinning, and raised his bottle. Steve clinked his against it and drank, so the others did as well.
Shepard could only hope Garrus and Tali could provide something positive, to keep the mood high.
Garrus looked at James with a Turian smirk. “I remember my father teaching me to shoot.”
“Of course you do,” James said.
“And I didn't shoot like a girl.”
“Oi,” said Tali from his left, and Garrus turned apologetic. “You know I didn't mean that.”
“Uh-huh,” said Tali. “I remember the lessons. Everything was a lesson. How to live with the suit, how to fix the ships, how to address others, how to survive. And the stories, and how often those two were the same thing.”
“Well, I think that was a good first round,” James said. “As practice questions go.” He grinned at Liara, to show he didn't mean to insult. “I think we all deserve a shot, and then... next one!”
“If we assume there wasn't an invasion on, where would you like to be, right now?” Kaidan asked after everyone had obligingly downed a shot of something Shepard didn't want to even try to identify. “Me, I would be on my parent's balcony, facing English Bay, drinking good Canadian beer.”
“Shepard?” Liara prompted as Shepard got lost smiling at Kaidan, remembering their first date.
“I hear there are wonderful views in Vancouver,” he said, eyes still on Kaidan, who leaned in for a soft kiss before smiling widely.
“You guys are disgustingly cute,” said Joker. “I would be in the cockpit, flying.”
“Then that is where I would be, also. In this body, I mean. I am there as we speak.”
“We are drowning in cute!” Sam exclaimed. “I would be... somewhere warm. By the sea, wearing as little as possible, with someone to appreciate it.”
“I can appreciate it,” James told her, grinning.
“Someone a bit more... female,” Sam clarified, with her wicked grin. “Hey, Shepard, you don't have a sister, do you?”
“I wouldn't know,” Shepard said lightly. “But I bet if I did, she'd appreciate it.”
“Shit, put my foot in it again, didn't I.”
“It's okay.”
“I would be in my abuela's kitchen, eating something wonderful she's made, instead of the horrible crap we are forced to eat here,” James said.
“You know, when Normandy was a Cerberus ship, we had a cook,” Joker said.
“Yeah, but it was also, you know, a Cerberus ship.”
“Precisely. So be happy with the food.”
“Touché.”
“Can we go back in time, too?” Steve asked, staring at his class. “If so, then Ferris Fields.”
When Shepard saw Joker was about to ask for a clarification he sharply shook his head, and the pilot closed his mouth. No matter how many times you decided to leave the past behind and move on... it was always present, on some level.
“Palaven,” said Garrus, decisively. “If there wasn't a war, it would still be...” His voice veered off and Tali touched his shoulder gently. Garrus turned to smile at her. “Rannoch, I suppose,” he suggested.
“Home,” she agreed, looking at him.
“I... any other time I would have said, on a Prothean dig but... they don't feel the same anymore,” Liara said with a little smile. Everyone laughed, even Steve, visibly trying to shake his solemn mood off.
“Drink times!” James yelled, and filled in everyone's shot glass again. Garrus obligingly topped his and Tali's glasses with the filtered brandy.
Shepard sipped his drink, trying to come up with something to ask. What did he want to know about his crew that he was willing to answer himself? That ruled out all the questions about childhood, first jobs and families. He really, really didn't want to know about anyone's sex life, nor did he particularly wish to share anything about his own. The most innocuous thing he could think of was asking about people's favourite colours, and that would just be unforgivably lame.
“What do you like about yourself?” he asked, in the end. “I like my... durability. I'm a survivor.”
“My kick-ass flying skills,” said Joker, without hesitation.
“Free will,” said EDI.
“I'm damn good at my job,” said Sam, grinning.
“My strength,” said James. “And I don't just mean this,” he clarified, flexing his bicep.
“My kick-ass flying skills,” Steve said, grinning, and toasted Joker.
“My awesome looks,” said Garrus, dryly.
“My skills,” said Tali, and wow, everyone was really predictable.
“My ability to concentrate,” said Liara after thinking for a while.
Shepard turned to look at Kaidan, actually curious as to what he would say.
“My awesome boyfriend,” said Kaidan, grinning widely, and Shepard pushed him away playfully, before pulling him closer again, for a kiss. Well, maybe 'boyfriend' was the perfect title to use in a teenage game like this.
“If you could change one thing in your body, what would it be?” Joker asked, a little wistfully. “I suppose mine's obvious.”
“I think I would like to try being organic,” EDI said, musingly. “But only if I had an option to go back if it wasn't...”
“All it's cracked up to be?” Sam suggested.
“Precisely.”
“I have always wanted a fitter body. More muscle. I find it so attractive on others. I know, I know, I could do something about it any time.”
“You can come exercise with me any day, Perky,” James promised.
“Thanks. I'll pass.”
“For a long time I wished I didn't look so much like my father. Then I decided, screw that, this is me. I'm happy with what I am.”
“I have to say I'm with Vega here. I've made peace with who and what I am. Okay, maybe it wouldn't hurt to be a bit less ticklish.”
“Really,” said Sam, wickedly, sharing a glance with James.
“Hey, don't get any ideas!”
Garrus was touching the damaged side of his face. “I think... I think I'm happy with everything, too. Even the scars. They're just signs of where I've been. Also,” he said lazily, “the ladies dig the scars.”
“I think it's pretty obvious what I'd want, too,” Tali said wistfully. “A chance to face my friends without a mask. Being able to touch someone without getting sick.”
“I wish I was a little older,” Liara admitted. “And, yes, it is a physical thing, and no, I am not elaborating.”
“I could do with getting rid of the migraines,” Kaidan said. “If that counts.”
“Totally,” said Joker. “Medical problems unite!”
“I want my scars back,” said Shepard touching the corner of his eye where he'd had the criss-crossing scars since he was a child. “I lost them when Cerberus... rebuilt me. It felt like... like I lost a part of who I was. Mementos of... where I've been,” he said, using Garrus' term, not wanting to say Akuze aloud. “Oh, and Cerberus managed to change my hairline. That was a weird sight to wake up to. And the new facial scars weren't nearly as attractive, so...”
“Well, that's the thing about scars, my friend. You can always get more,” Garrus told him fake-seriously, but Shepard could still see he understood completely.
He was happy to down the shot James again forced on anyone. Even more so when he heard EDI's question.
“I have been trying to understand love,” said EDI. “Will you tell me about your first love? I am... as yet unable to answer the question myself.”
“Lilith,” said Sam, with wistful resignation. “We were best friends but before I left for Earth... I was just so wrapped up in her. For her I was a sister, so I never said anything, but I think she knew. She was always so kind.”
She sounded wistful more than sad, but still, even James and Joker let it go without a comment.
“I had this friend growing up, and he had an older sister, Lola,” James said. “Tough, hot. Never gave me the time of day, but I... Yeah, pined for her for years.” The last part was said with an exaggerated grin, as if a joke, but Shepard supposed everyone could see that was just to hide how true it was.
He was also very fast to empty his glass and reach for a refill.
“Robert,” said Steve. “I knew him since we were both 12 and in school. By the time we were 18 we knew that was it.”
He was also reaching for the refill even before he was done. A lot of that going on these days.
“When I joined my first field unit while getting my military training... there was this woman, Tertia. She was... everything I wanted to be. Everything I wanted to have. I regret to say, that I never did. Have.”
“Must have been the lack of scars,” Shepard consoled him.
“Must be. Good that it's been fixed since then.”
He turned to Tali, who was hiding her face in her hands.
“What?”
“Keelah,” she said, then looked up briefly. “Shepard. I got over it! But you were like a vid hero and I was so new to the world outside the Fleet and... I'm over it, I promise.”
“I'm glad of that, Tali. But also flattered. I hope I never hurt you. I never meant to.”
“It's okay. It was more like... anyway. Over it.”
Shepard tried to think back on the first time Tali had been on his crew but couldn't remember any sign of the crush. Damn, he had tried to be friendly, but had that... He was absently stroking Kaidan's hand – which he now realised he was still holding – with his thumb. He had been so concentrated on the mission back then, and any off-duty thoughts he might have had had been about a certain Lieutenant.
“I was head over heels in love with a lecturer I had in the university. She taught Prothean history, naturally, and I adored her. I don't think she even ever learned my name,” Liara finished a little sadly.
“Aww, Doc, you need another drink,” James said, but not mockingly.
Liara accepted the glass with a smile, but did down it remarkably fast.
Shepard pressed Kaidan's hand harder when it was his turn. He knew what the other man was going to say, and that it still hurt, in a way, because it ended so badly. Kaidan shot him a quick smile, before gazing at the floor in front of them.
“When I was at Brain Camp – biotic training,” he clarified to others, “there was this girl, Rahna. She was... yeah. Nothing ever happened. But she was... she was special.”
“Are we counting mild crushes, or do you mean love-love,” Shepard asked EDI.
“What is the difference?”
“The recovery period,” James said, dryly.
“The amount of heartache,” Sam said, simultaneously.
“Then, I suppose... love-love,” clarified EDI.
Shepard kept his eyes on her while raising the hand not holding Kaidan's and pointing towards the man with his thumb wordlessly. He felt frozen, until he heard Kaidan's breathless “Shepard.” Then he had to turn to meet a brown gaze filled with so much love it was impossible to not lean in for a kiss.
It was soft and quick, but not rushed, and after pulling back Kaidan rested his hand on his cheek, holding his gaze for a long time. “Love you too,” he mouthed, and Shepard leaned in for another kiss.
“Okay, how am I supposed to top that?” Joker asked. “There was a nurse, she saw me as a patient, end of story, moving on, Sam?”
“First time,” she said, gleefully.
“First time of what?” EDI asked, and Joker elbowed her. “What?”
“First time you slept with someone,” Sam clarified, gleefully.
“As in sex,” Joker clarified further.
“Thank you, Jeff, I did get it.”
“Mine was, oh dear, Oxford, first year. I got drunk and slept with a room mate. It was awkward, afterwards, as neither one of us wanted a relationship out of it. But we got over it, and I actually attended her wedding a few years back.”
“That's it? No more detail? Spoilsport,” said James, grinning. “14, an older girl I met at a gig. We even dated for a couple of years after that.”
Steve was flushing. Shepard raised an eyebrow.
“An older man I met at a bar when I was 18. Robert was... he didn't take it well. That was when we admitted to each other what we felt. I was his first,” he said, sadly.
“In basic training, a squad mate. It was hurried and uninspiring. We got better until she was killed during out first mission on the field. Of course, I had already met Tertia then, so it might have gotten complicated.”
“No one,” said Tali, in a quite voice. “Not that there haven't been possibilities,” she said quickly. “But it's a... big deal, a big risk, so we usually... want to be sure before we take the risk.”
“Feron,” said Liara, keeping her eyes on her hands. “Not... not long ago.”
Apparently the drell had started feeling better, then, if Liara had felt she was... not taking advantage anymore. He was glad for her, for them. And if someone tried to make the hundred-year-old virgin joke, he was going to introduce them to his boot knife. No one did.
It was Kaidan's turn, and he was holding Shepard's hand so tight it almost hurt.
“Eighteen, got picked up in a bar... don't think I ever learnt her name. It was after... after they shut BAaT down. I spent weeks drunk. Didn't learn anyone's name.”
Shepard gave up any pretence and just pulled Kaidan close with an arm around his shoulders. He came willingly, obviously happy for the support... and also probably knowing Shepard was going to need some soon as well.
Shepard stared into space for a bit, wondering what to say. Then he decided to go with the truth, the whole truth. These people were his friends, all of them. Telling Kaidan had been the hardest but it felt easier now, knowing he had taken it so well.
“I was a street kid,” he said quietly, looking down on his lap. “I had to make a living. Don't know how old I was the first time.” A couple of shocked intakes of breath, but he didn't look up to find out from who. “The first time I chose to have sex? Much later. Much, much later. I was in my twenties.”
Then Akuze happened, and he dealt pretty much like Kaidan had after BAaT – get drunk. Stay drunk. Fuck anything that moves. He got over it, made N7, and here he was. He turned his face towards Kaidan, and buried it against his neck for a moment before straightening up. He didn't move his arm from around the man, though.
“Jesus, have any of you guys heard of relationships?” Joker asked, and the lightness in his voice sounded only a little forced. “I met a girl, we dated for months, and then we slept together. And before you ask, the answer is: very carefully.”
The laughter was a little forced but it was there.
“Dammit, Loco, only you can make a question about sex seem glum!” James said, offering him a bottle of vodka. “What the hell is a man to do? If I ask about pets, you'll tell me yours got eaten by a varren or something.”
“I had a varren once,” Shepard said, smiling widely.
“And only you can sound so excited about it,” concluded James. “Fine, tell everyone about your pets, and for fuck's sake, let's keep it warm and fuzzy for a change.” He may have been trying a bit too much, but Shepard recognised James wasn't trying to belittle his experiences or criticise him for sharing them, he was actually trying to make him feel better. In his own inimitable way.
“I had a dog. I called it Loco.”
“Wuff,” said Shepard instantly, and this time the laughter was freer.
“Okay, fine, I didn't. She was called Maya, and that mutt was my best friend for years.”
“Why am I not the least surprised?” Steve asked, grinning. “My family had two cats. Robert always talked about getting a puppy but we never got there.”
“Turians don't have pets,” said Garrus, smugly.
“Nor do Quarians. But I like Shepard's fish.”
“I had fish, growing up,” Liara said. “I named them after Prothean sites.”
“We had a cat when I was a child. She died while I was at Brain Camp, and my parents never got another.”
“I had a varren once,” Shepard repeated. “His name is Urz. I asked Wrex to keep an eye on him for me but... Probably wouldn't have been fair to take him out of Tuchanka. I also have a space hamster and fish now. And an eel. Though I suppose that's kind of a fish, too. What? I never had pets growing up, unless you count the rats we usually shared our sleeping places with.”
“I had jellyfish,” Joker told him, conversationally. “I liked them more than regular fish.”
“Yeah, I have some too.”
“I have a ship full of humans,” said EDI. Then, predictably, “That was a joke.”
“We didn't really have pets in the colony,” Sam said. “When I was at Oxford my room mate had budgies.”
“See, warm and fuzzy, not so hard, Loco. Your turn, Esteban.”
“Tell us about someone who changed your life, or influenced it somehow. For me... probably the most important person I ever met was my flight instructor. I still perform my pre-flight checks with his voice in my ear.”
“Despite everything... my father. I became C-Sec because of him... No, what am I saying. Shepard. I left C-Sec because of him, and found my true potential because of what we did. I wouldn't be where I am today – no matter how uncomfortable the whole Reaper expert thing makes me – without him. You. So, thank you,” Garrus said, and toasted Shepard with his brandy.
Shepard was actually touched. He toasted back with his own glass.
“Shepard,” Tali said, shrugging. “I'm a damn Admiral because I met him during my Pilgrimage.
“My mother,” Liara said. “What ever she ended up being, she was... she always encouraged me to go for my dreams, even if they were something she couldn't share.”
“I hate to say it, but... Vyrrnus. A Turian I... knew. Because of him I learned to view all aliens as just... people. Because of him I learned what I could do. And because of him I learned control. May the bastard rot in hell.”
“There was this girl... Tricia. She was a runaway. 13 when I was maybe ten? She taught me to read and write, and we would... we had a stolen pad, and she taught me to hack so that we could get more books on it. It was... it was a whole new world for someone like me. That's how I learnt about the world, that's how I... started dreaming about maybe getting out.”
“Mine is an old soldier,” Joker said. “A vet being treated in the same facility as me. He used to tell these rambling stories about war... but he made me believe I could be something, too. He had lost his whole left leg in a campaign but came back as a pilot, and a damn good one. He made me achieve for the same.”
“I have to say Shepard, too. I know you freed me, Jeff, but... you do not answer my questions. Shepard gives me guidance when I need it, to... grow.”
“It's my honour, EDI.”
“Mary Porter. A teacher at Oxford. She made me think of so many things in a new way.” For once Sam wasn't grinning wickedly, so it was possible she hadn't meant for that to sound so suggestive.
“My uncle,” James said, simply, not elaborating.
“Thanks, that was... informative,” Steve said, smiling. “And see, Vega, you don't need to be warm and fuzzy to be pleasant.”
“Your first kill,” said Garrus, smirking at James. “Mine was when I was 16, our first field mission. I don't know which of the mercenaries died from my shots, but I know I got at least a few. At least an Asari and a Krogan.”
“During my pilgrimage, after I got the info about Saren,” said Tali. “A Turian.”
Garrus shot at her a challenging look, and the angle of her head indicated a grin in her reply. Shepard wondered how he knew that.
“In my sixties, on a practice dig that was attacked by looters,” Liara said. “A Salarian.”
“17. A Turian.” Kaidan didn't elaborate, and Shepard pulled him closer again, knowing it was still a bad memory.
“Nine or ten. There was this man... attacking one of the girls I was squatting with, and I... I had a knife.” The mood was gloomy again, so he decided to elaborate. “But hey, he had a wallet full of credits and we got our first warm meal for weeks out of it.”
On second thought, maybe that didn't make it much better.
Joker, EDI, Sam, James and Steve all had their experiences while serving in the Fleet, so there were no surprises there. Of course, Joker's first kill had been on board a battleship, so he won in the body count.
“What do you want to do when the war is over?” Tali asked quietly. “I want to go to Rannoch and build a house. And then I want to... to have fish, and dogs, and swim in the seas and walk in the fields and maybe... maybe have a family.”
“I... have a job,” said Liara, and while Shepard was pretty sure everyone on board knew about the whole Shadow Broker thing by now, he didn't call her on the evasion. “But... maybe... Feron and I can... have something. And I can help all of you in what ever you do.”
“After having that beer on my parents' balcony... I don't know. I'm a soldier. And a Spectre. I don't really want to do anything else. Maybe... stay on the Citadel for a while. Get an actual apartment. Something that has room for an aquarium, maybe, and a hamster cage...”
“And a varren?” Shepard asked hopefully.
“We'll have to talk about the varren.”
“I'm looking forward to that view of English Bay. And the apartment.” As if he wanted to be anywhere Kaidan wasn't, do anything he couldn't do. “Maybe a puppy, if you object to varren.”
“We'll have to see.”
“I've never had a... home,” Shepard said, looking at Kaidan as if they were the only two people in the room.
“I'm looking forward to giving you one, then.”
Joker cleared his throat just as Shepard was about to lean closer for a kiss. Right. Those pesky other people.
“I just want to stay with the Normandy,” Joker said simply. “And EDI.”
“I want to learn more, about, well, everything. But I want to do that with Jeff.”
“I want to find someone to share my life with,” Sam said. “Someone serious. Someone to settle down with. And then I want to crack the secret of the way the Rachni talk and revolutionise long-distance communication.”
“I want to be the best soldier I can be,” James said, looking at Shepard, repeating his words from their N7 discussion. “Which ever form that takes.”
“I want to move on,” Steve said. “I want to fly. I want to have a home again.”
“I want to rebuild Palaven. Maybe... travel. I've heard Rannoch is very beautiful this time of the year,” Garrus said casually, and Tali did the grin-angle again. Really, Shepard thought. Tali and Garrus? Well, they were both dextro-protein species...
“Well,” said Liara. “That was a full Circle. Did everyone get their fill of secrets?”
“I think we might have benefited from some dares thrown in,” James said, grinning. “Other than that... this was probably the most civilised evening we've had.”
“Are you complaining, Vega?” Steve asked.
“Nah. But you don't really get that much stuff to tease others with if you have to dish your own secrets while you're collecting the dirt.”
“Maybe we'll play 'Never Have I Ever' the next time,” Sam suggested, grinning.
Shepard decided spontaneously that the next time he would not present.