Chapter Text
Sydney finds Carmy eating sheep brains in the walk-in fridge about a month after his presumed death.
She’s on a supply run. She still makes occasional visits to the all-too-brief site of The Bear, hunting for bits of flavor or sustenance that others might have missed. It hurts to see what has become of the restaurant, but it’s like a scab that she can’t stop picking. It reminds her of who she used to be.
Sydney is here alone, which she knows she’ll get an earful about later. She just hates to bring anyone else back here. Natalie can barely speak about the restaurant without crying, plus she has the baby to worry about. Richie is busy trying to watch out for everyone else while hanging on by a thread. And the others… Sydney won’t put them at risk by asking them to venture out to the remains of the fine dining scene.
She brought Richie’s gun with her, but she doesn’t expect to use it. All her previous excursions have been pretty uneventful. The truth is that the infected humans – let’s be honest, the zombies – are more sad than dangerous. They tend to stumble around moaning and mouthing uselessly at corpses.
When the infection first started spreading, many scientists studied the so-called zombie virus. They determined that those infected craved brains and couldn’t seem to stomach other food (hence the “zombie” title), but they hadn’t evolved any particular method to get these brains. The virus damaged their own brains so much that they couldn’t seem to think of a method either. So most of the zombies starved to death a few weeks after catching the virus.
The hope was that in a few months of isolation they would all die out and things could go back to normal, just with a few hundred thousand less people in the world. But the virus spread quickly and everyone had to shelter in place again, meaning that families got split up. Sydney’s dad was sheltering with a few of his neighbors. Marcus was with his family at least, since he’d been at his mom’s funeral. Poor Pete was separated from Natalie and their newborn child. And the majority of the employees of The Bear were sheltering together, for better or for worse.
Carmy had been with them when the order hit – he had hardly left the restaurant since the walk-in fridge incident. But he didn’t make it to the shelter and no one has heard from him. Natalie is holding out hope, but both Richie and Sydney suspect that he’s dead.
Anyways. They’re a few months into things now, and there’s still a lot of zombies out there and not a lot of food in the surviving humans’ camp. So, the supply runs.
Everything’s going smoothly – Sydney finds some preserved beef in the freezer and rice that should last them for a couple days, and she’s even able to grab some dried spices that rolled from the counter. She tries not to think about the fit Carmy would have if he could see the state of the floors. Wherever he is, he’s probably past caring about that sort of thing.
Sydney freezes as she hears a crash coming from the walk-in fridge. She’d been planning to go there next to hopefully find some vegetables that might still be edible. If something is in there, she should probably leave it alone. But the thought of somewhat fresh food is incredibly tempting.
Holding Richie’s gun close, Sydney walks carefully over to the fridge. She can hear her heartbeat ringing in her ears, and below that, a sort of scuffling sound. The door is half-open. She remembers that Carmy had been reluctant to close it since he’d trapped himself in there, and they had to keep reminding him not to waste the electricity bill by leaving it open. It had irritated her at the time, another example of Carmy’s inability to deal with his issues.
She wonders what happened to him. How would he have dealt with the world going to shit for the second time since COVID? Maybe Richie was right and it’s a kindness that he’s gone. But she can’t help it - she misses him.
Sydney pushes the door open, gun raised. Sure enough, there’s something in here. Judging by the way it’s wolfing down what looks like sheep brains, it’s a zombie. It has its back to her and doesn’t react to her entrance.
Sydney waits for a moment, assessing if the zombie is a threat. She’s never been in such close quarters to one before. It still looks quite human, if you ignore the sudden desire for raw meat. In fact, there’s something almost familiar about the way this one hunches its back and the wild tangle of its hair.
No way. She shakes her head. It’s only because she was just thinking about him. Carmy’s gone. And yet…
“Stay back,” Sydney warns as she inches further into the walk-in. Speaking up is stupid, because all it does is catch the zombie’s attention. But she has to check…
The zombie turns to her and she’s hit with eerily familiar blue eyes.
Her blood runs cold. “Carmy??”
The zombie continues to watch her. His hair is longer and his face is more gaunt and pale than she’s ever seen it, but it’s definitely Carmy. His once-bright eyes have a strange film over them, and she wonders how well he can see. Do zombies lose their eyesight? Suddenly she wants to know everything about them.
“Carmy, it’s me. It’s Sydney.”
Carmy doesn’t react. As they stand there, at a stalemate, a bit of drool starts to slide down his chin. Carmy doesn’t seem to notice. Sydney has the insane urge to wipe it off or give him a napkin.
“I thought you were dead,” Sydney says instead.
Carmy hums and turns back to his meal. For some reason, he’s decided not to use his hands and is instead gobbling up the brains like a dog. Sydney grimaces but can’t bring herself to look away. It’s like finding a ghost. A damaged, dysfunctional ghost.
Sydney stands frozen, gun still raised, her thoughts racing. This creature in front of her is no longer Carmy. He’s shown no recognition or understanding. There’s no cure for the virus and there are no rehabilitated zombies. She should leave him. Or put him out of his misery.
“I guess you are dead, in a way,” she murmurs. “And this is what’s left of you.”
And yet… he also hasn’t shown any violence. And somehow, he knew where to find brains within The Bear. There might be something of Carmy in there still.
“Carmen. Can you understand me?”
Carmy looks at her again. His mouth is covered in the remnants of his meal. Sydney swallows against a wave of nausea.
“Do you remember me? Sugar? The Bear?”
“Sss,” Carmy hisses. Is he trying to speak?
Sydney frowns and lowers the gun. She needs to get back to camp before they notice she’s missing. She can’t kill Carmy, but she can’t let him go either. If he wanders off she might never find him again, and he’ll starve out there without easy access to brains.
“Listen, I’ll be back. There’s plenty of food in here for you. Try not to eat everything at once. And don’t freak out.”
Before she can think better of it, Sydney pulls the door closed, once again trapping Carmy in the fridge. As far as she knows zombies haven’t figured out how to use doors, but she shoves a chair in front of the fridge just to be safe. She leaves before Carmy’s questioning hum escalates into whimpers and growls.
It’s not until she’s halfway back to the camp that she realizes she forgot to look for any vegetables.
***
Several hours later, Sydney still hasn’t said anything to anyone. She imagines going up to Natalie and Richie and saying, “Hey, you know how you’ve been fucked up about Carmy but you keep saying at least he’s probably in a better place and with Michael? Well actually, he’s stuck in the walk-in again eating brains.”
Yeah, no.
Instead, she gets her hands on everything she can find about zombies and how they work. Richie gives her a weird look when she asks for the research articles, but she passes it off as preparation for future supply runs. She learns that zombies display reduced language comprehension and production, impaired motor skills, and non-existent problem-solving skills. Their body chemistry is fucked and they can’t survive without brains, even if force-fed all the other nutrients. The virus passes through saliva, most commonly bites, but most zombies won’t bite unless provoked. As she feared, there is no known cure, and no stories about zombies coexisting with humans.
This is crazy. She can’t really be thinking about bringing Carmy back here, with his radioactive drool and appetite for brains. But all of this is still so new. There’s a lot about the disease that they don’t yet understand. If they can help an infected person, shouldn’t they try?
Either way, Sydney plans to return to The Bear as soon as possible. Although part of her hopes that staying in the fridge will jog some memories for Carmy, she doesn’t want him stuck in there for too long. But as expected, first she has to listen to an earful from Natalie, who makes her promise not to go out alone again. Even worse, Richie wants to go with her. Richie is volatile even on a good day, and she does not want to know how he’d react to seeing Carmy in such a state. Or how Carmy would react to seeing him. She has a feeling Carmy was a biter even before he got infected.
Of course, Natalie and Richie have a right to know about Carmy. Sydney’s not sure if it will do them any good to see him, but it’s not up to her to make that decision. Still, it’s like she’s sitting on this ticking time bomb, and she wants to see Carmy again by herself before it goes off. She wants to see if he’ll remember her.
Sydney ends up sneaking out again that night. She has practice from all those early mornings trying not to wake her dad and manages to pass by unnoticed. But she does leave a note this time – she doesn’t want anyone to worry. They’ll probably think that she’s insane when they find out what she’s doing, but she has to give this another try.
The chair is still wedged under the handle to the fridge when she returns. She can’t hear anything from inside. Carefully, Sydney removes the chair and opens the door a crack, unsure if Carmy will be in a rush to get out. She didn’t bring Richie’s gun with her this time, a decision she’s starting to regret.
She finds Carmy sitting in the same spot she left him, except now more of the brains are gone. He’s shaking slightly – should she have given him a jacket? She thought zombies weren’t supposed to feel cold. The floor around him is undisturbed and Sydney sighs in relief. She had a sudden concerning thought about how – or if – zombies go to the bathroom.
Carmy lifts his head towards her as soon as she opens the door. His eyes meet hers and she thinks she detects a hint of relief in his hazy gaze.
“Hi Carmy, I’m back,” Sydney says softly, slipping inside and shutting the door on them again. “I’m sorry I had to leave you. I’m just – trying to figure some things out.”
“Sss,” Carmy says, voice low and somehow pleading. He reaches out a hand towards Sydney. “Sss.”
Sydney carefully crouches down and takes Carmy’s hand. His skin is cold and his nails are ragged and discolored. His fingers shake slightly in her grip. It’s hard to imagine that these hands used to dice vegetables so competently and create beautiful drawings.
“I’m sorry,” Sydney repeats. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Carmy whines. Sydney absently rubs circles on Carmy’s hand as her mind wanders. She doesn’t want to lock him in here for another night.
“Come on,” she decides, standing up and giving Carmy’s hand an experimental tug. He slowly stands up beside her.
Sydney collects the last of the brains and any vegetables she can find and stuffs everything into her bag before grabbing Carmy’s hand again and opening the fridge door. As she had hoped, Carmy follows her passively when she walks. His steps are slow and clumsy and she’s glad that they don’t have to travel very far to reach the camp. She tries not to think too hard about what she’s going to do when they get there.
One step at a time.