Work Text:
The Intelligentsia Guild was doing a study, as always. Across many planets and species, mental health findings have been recorded. And still they wished to learn the goings on inside the brain of someone who's traumatized, which makes sense. They're always fiending for what they don't know.
Jade had offered up Aventurine for it- without his knowledge, of course- and promised the guild good findings should these recordings fall into the right hands.
"Madam.. With all due respect, why is this your course of action? I mean," Aventurine spoke with the smile that he so often plastered onto his face, "Will I just be in a room with some.. guy asking me questions?"
"My dear Aventurine, you are an incredibly interesting specimen. You have been in situations most people would not know to have nightmares about, there is no one more qualified to be studied than you. But you will not be talking to anyone directly,"
The blonde tilted his head, about to open his mouth to ask. He didn't get the chance, as she elaborated. "See, you are incredibly sharp witted. You are quick to weave falsity into reality, most often when speaking to someone else. However, if we leave you to your own devices, you should come to the truth. Here are the parameters,"
"You will be using a vocal recording device. I ask that you speak in honesty as best as you can- I know you can't easy differentiate your own lies from the truth. We will provide questions that you may answer, but you don't have to so long as you do speak in connection to your psyche. You may speak in whatever language you see fit, and they will make due with what they are given."
Aventurine listened, trying his best to not allow his pensive demeanor show. It was strange - his job here was to let people know what was going on in his head. Aventurine was owned, in every sense of the word. Everything of his was someone else's- his body, his service, his luck, his time. His mind was his only solace- of course, until Sunday pulled that trick with the harmony. To call it a solace would partially be a lie, aswell. He worked and worked and worked himself to the bone so he wouldn't have to think about himself. He took a long moment before speaking.
"...Will I still be assigned missions? Or will you bar me from them, to make sure I'm deep in my head?"
"We will not assign you any, but you may take them at your will. All I ask is at least twenty minutes of recording- How short or long is.. unimportant."
"...Okay. Expect to hear good things!"
His facade had slipped, if only for a moment. He plastered it back on, before making his exit.
♤
Aventurine's head had always been a maze, the heart of it being a long lost name. One that no one would ever call him again, so it may as well not exist. It's a secret between, between him and HER. Many parts of him have been lost, but SHE will not die with him. He will not die. Not yet.
This isn't what he says in his first tape, of course. He decides that after a bit of paperwork, he should simply ramble in his long-gone language. With no reason to practice, Aventurine never spoke it. One extra barrier between his mind and some researchers.
"What am I supposed to tell you... What's going on up here? How do I tell you something I don't know? Maybe there never was an answer, and there never will be. You can constantly reach for an answer, find something to placate the urge, and then find another question to be answered. So, why reach in the first place?"
Aventurine was alone in his office as he recorded, fiddling with the simple technology that would record a voice and nothing more. He never stopped fidgeting with his hands, they were far too prone to shaking to stop. So he learned cooler methods to fidget- coin and card tricks are impressive in a subtle way, yeah?
"Curiosity is a death sentence. Although that's not saying much. Being alive is a death sentence, life is just when the story ends. When the sentence hits a period. You can drown, you can die peacefully in your sleep, you can play the roulette... Has it ever mattered? Will it ever matter? The Nihility did not give me these thoughts, they just... used to be quieter. Perhaps that's what it does, nullify your medications. I suppose you'll be hearing and transcribing a lot of overthinking and despair, with this project. Good lord, if this were prose, I'd get zero points. Ah, well. I think my head is a bit too scrambled, now. See you in the next one, mystery reviewer."
◇
“I don't imagine this is for venting, but I suppose you'll make use of it anyway, reviewer. Harness the steam, and all of that.”
It was difficult to translate, to say the least. The synesthesia beacon was little to no help, beyond giving a base line. The Doctor was enthusiastic about this new project, especially when they asked him for help. Some long ramblings in a language no one could understand, but in a voice they could almost recognize.
Veritas recognized it almost immediately. He said nothing, as he felt it was his duty to keep the identity a secret. After all, when did he ever get the explicit chance to study the gambler and his past?
“I'd say I think I deserve better than this, but that.. it might be a lie. And it's not- I don't- what if I don't want every part of me to be a lie? What if…”
The gambler was always putting on some extraordinary facade. Veritas was aware of this much from the start. There was something underneath that crazed look in his eyes. Over the years Ratio learned how to spot what it was. Either that, or Aventurine was less guarded around him. This vulnerability, with little to nothing in the way of the truth, Veritas feels guilty. Aventurine wouldn't be saying all of this if he knew it was Ratio.
“What if I used to be some vast oasis- food and water being plentiful- and then every damn time I told a lie, I was dumping a hundred pounds of sand on top of it? Is that all I am now? I don't think I deserve anything more than this. This is what I get.”
Even as he spoke, Aventurine's voice had an air of confidence to it. It was a disguise- anyone who could recognize his voice but not understand the words would believe he wasn't breaking.
“If something valuable is buried in the sand, never recorded, never to be found again, did it ever exist? If something is never perceived or used, it never was. I was never anything but a complete lie. And if that is true, I have no right to want for anything better. I have no right to want.”
Veritas wished he could reply. Tell Aventurine his life was worth living, tell him just how much he is worth. But the man likely didn't even want Veritas to hear all of this, so it wouldn't be fair to break the wall. To break the illusion of privacy- it felt extremely intimate. Veritas knew that Aventurine would run if he knew.
“It doesn't matter. I'll just keep pushing. There's too much counting on me to stop. Despite Madam saying no one would bother me, I've been requested. I could use a distraction. The effects of trauma on the psyche… nihilism, definitely. Self depreciation, suicidal ideation. I'll research some more psychology. Give you a better baseline. See you next time. Or- You'll hear me- Whatever. Bye.”
♤
Shit. This is no good. No good at all.
This mission wasn't going well for Aventurine. For everyone else, it was flawless. For Aventurine? Absolutely horrible.
As he said on his tape, he did end up researching a bit more on psychology. Found some interesting things that seemed applicable. Predominantly the details on disorders that he might have, as well as some symptoms. Most notably- Repetition compulsion. It didn't quite fit, or maybe it did. Aventurine wasn't a psychologist.
It was a simple thing- closing up a deal with discussion. Aventurine was the main negotiator, although most of the details were fleshed out. It was just a matter of getting them to agree. He would admit- he used some more… unsavory tactics, but they got the job done! The only problem was that he did it to himself.
Using a man's sexuality against them is reasonable, in that they don't think straight. A well timed lean, the right shirt, putting yourself in a position to look up at them leaves them salivating at the mouth. He wouldn't do this if he didn't have to- but without proper education, he only had the training from his younger years. He didn't know how to do much else.
It wouldn't have happened if the man wasn't drinking. Truly- it wasn't even that bad. But doing what's normal to you while looking inward tends to invoke self reflection. Aventurine desperately clenched his fist under the table, while smiling and nodding. While the IPC lackeys stood guard, Aventurine leaned over the table to whisper something in the man's ear. To sweeten the deal, of course. The papers were signed quickly. The guards stood outside of the doors, as the conditions were met.
The man walked over and locked the door, and Aventurine was gone.
The young boy was swift in evading the men, with blood on his hands. His acts were inexcusable, no matter the justification. No matter what they did to him, he was wrong. Kakavasha, despite everything, held out hope that someone would listen. Would realize just how wrong this was. As he rounded the corner, he almost ran into someone. He panicked, scrambling back.
“Hey- I'm not going to hurt you. It's okay. I promise.”
Kakavasha stared into his eyes, holding his arms up in defense. The man stepped forward.
“I'm here to help. I'm going to get you out, okay? No one will hurt you again. It's over. It's okay.”
He let himself feel hope, as he got choked up. The man led him to his salvation. Or at least, what was supposed to be. Kakavasha trusted him far too much. He was led to a room with another door at the back of it. No windows.
He heard the door lock behind him. He snapped around, only to be met with a cold expression.
“You're gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous, and so.. gullible. Naive. You'll be so pretty when you break.”
When Aventurine came back to himself, it was over. The deal was signed, his hair was tangled and his mouth didn't taste great. He was back in his room on the ship, the others celebrating. He didn't listen to anything they said, as he locked his door and went to the bathroom. He scrambled for the tape.
“Hh.. hah.. for fucks sake… I can't even… Why did..”
Aventurine felt himself begin to cry. He wasn't supposed to, they couldn't afford to lose that hydration, but he couldn't stop as his hands shook and he curled up in the bathtub. He slipped back to his mother tongue, as he planned.
“I did this all to myself, didn't I? I'm not good for anything except to be used and discarded. I should be dead. I wish I were dead. How long have I been repeating all of this? I'm only good for what I was made into. They didn't make me like this, I did. This is all my fault.”
◇
He shouldn't be hearing this. It's so private- forget private, the man was having a breakdown. Veritas shouldn't be hearing this, but he didn't have a choice as he transcribed. He kept pausing it so he could breathe. This must be why he stopped texting as often.
“You can't do shit without knowing what the cause was, right? Well, I'll tell you. You already know who I am, you have to. So here's all of my fucking secrets. I was enslaved- not just once, but three times. The first time, for labor. After everyone I loved was killed and I was first captured, it was for labor. The second time, for.. I don't even want to say it.”
Veritas didn't want to hear him say it either. He stopped transcribing, and just listened as his heart pounded.
“I won't say it, because I don't know the word. But I'll explain. I thought I had made it out- I killed my master, and tried to get out on my own. I found someone who said he'd help me. I believed him. I fucking believed him. I was such an idiot. He said no one would ever hurt me again. And then he took me to a room with no windows and locked the door behind him and- and-”
Veritas paused the tape. He had to take a moment and breathe. Never before had he wished that he wouldnt understand this language. He wished someone else did, someone who didn't personally know him, someone who wasn't a traitor just by hearing this. And yet there was no choice. This was his duty to bear.
“And he took the last of what was my own. The only parts of me that I could say were mine and only mine, he took it from me. He kept taking, and taking, and taking, until I couldn’t bear to cry anymore. He took me to a new, worse prison and.. and..”
Veritas tried his best to push down the pity in his gut, because he knew that Aventurine would hate that the most. More than Veritas hearing his deepest darkest secrets, he would hate the pity. Veritas started mentally checklisting exactly what he’d tell him. This wasn’t a secret he could keep.
“They trained it all out of me. The resistance. Until everything lined up, I just.. Let them. It’s all my fault. And even long after I killed them, I still take those lessons with me. I still use my body in the ways I was trained. That’s what you do with lessons, right? You use them? Someone spent time, effort, and resources on training me into the perfect toy. I best not waste it.”
Veritas was almost nauseous. It simply wasn’t true. No matter how much he preached to be grateful, it was still abuse. No matter how scarce resources were, this isn’t something that anyone should believe. No one deserves this. Especially not him. After everything, he deserves the world.
“And the third time.. Well, I am owned by the IPC. They just frown upon me saying I’m enslaved to them. And yet I still use my talents from my second enslavement. Hell, that’s why I’m talking about this. I used my body to close a deal, and… I feel used. It’s so stupid, I’m always telling people to use me. And then someone does, and I break down like this. It’s these tapes, I’m too emotional now. Researcher, tell me.. Do I deserve to be anything but this?”
The tape ends. There were a total of six tapes from this subject, but this ending to them was heart shattering. After completing the transcription, Doctor Veritas Ratio received a text.
♧
Gambler
hey doctor!
you busy tomorrow?
i'd like to talk to you
you know, in person ;)
Dr. Ratio
I do not have any prior obligations tomorrow. I am willing to meet to talk. Where would be most preferable, and when?
Gambler
you can just drop by my place.
8 pm, don't keep me waiting~
◇
Ratio was nothing if not punctual. At 7:59 pm, he looked through his notes on what to say. It wouldn't matter, he had never tried to do anything so inherently emotional. He wouldn't be able to do it right, he just hoped he could offer some sense of reassurance. He put his phone away, knocking the moment the clock struck eight. He didn't have to wait long before the door opened.
“Doctor! I can always rely on you to be punctual~” Aventurine opened the door, and he looked.. different. His silk shirt was halfway undone, his hair slightly mussied and most of his accessories forgone. His earring remained, flashy against a plain canvas. He stepped aside, ushering Ratio in, “Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice, I really do appreciate your consideration.”
“It's no issue, Gambler. It just so happens I was planning to reach out soon, so you are doing me a favor.” Ratio almost slipped into why he planned on reaching out, but he didn't get the chance.
“I believe we are on the same page then, don't you?” Aventurine waltzed over to the living room, taking a seat and gesturing for Ratio to sit next to him. He walked with a sense of provocation, a bit of extra sway in his hips. As Ratio sat beside him, the blonde leaned in a way to give the scholar a clear view of his chest. It wasn't enough to see onto his stomach, but enough to see the surgical scarring below his breastbone. Ratio averted his eyes, opting to look in the Avgin's eyes.
“Yes, I…” He felt his mouth go dry, and yet he pushed through. The sooner he tells Aventurine that he knows, the better. “Believe I know things you do not wish for me to know. I do not plan on using any of it against you, but I feel as though I am betraying you by keeping my knowledge secret. I do not wish to.. lie to you. Be it through omission or otherwise.”
Aventurine seemed taken aback for a split second, before schooling his expression into something unreadable. There was tense silence before he spoke. “I thought I would have to drag it out of you there, Doc. I figured you might know my mother tongue, but if you didn't I would find out who does. It's a shame, I can't just kill you to prevent these secrets from getting out.” Aventurine let out a wry laugh, and Ratio could tell it was far from genuine. His brows creased as he fumbled, trying to figure what to say.
“As I said, I do not plan on utilizing or disseminating any of the information I have come across. I just want to…” He stumbled for a split second. A split second was long enough for the wrong idea to take root, and ruin everything. Before Ratio could even finish his thought, the blonde doubled over in laughter. “Gambler? What's wrong?”
Aventurine spoke between fits of giggles, his reaction confusing Ratio. “I can't believe I thought you would be different. Men are all men, I don't know why I thought you'd…” His laughter finally died out, he seemed fully spaced out now. “I might as well give you what you came here for, Doc. Consider it a trade for your silence.”
“Gambler, what in the world-” Aventurine climbed onto Ratio's lap, and began to unbutton his shirt. “This is not what I was going to suggest or say, you are getting ahead of yourself.”
“I'm not hearing a no, Doc. Come on, don't you want to fuck a pretty Avgin boy? Or are you so disgusted by me,” The blonde began messing with the scholar's clothes, attempting to remove them, “That you are only denying out of shock?”
“Aventurine, stop it-”
“I know what you want to do to me, why lie to yourself-”
“I'm serious, get a hold of yourself-”
“You came here planning to blackmail me and claim me for yourself after all, the least you could do is go through with it-”
Ratio grabbed Aventurine's wrists, and prevented them from moving any further. “Stop it. You are mistaken. I did not intend to do any such thing.”
Aventurine stopped, if not for being restrained, then for the use of his mother tongue. “Then why are you here? If not to use me, then why-”
“Please stop talking Aventurine, I have a lot to say to you.” Aventurine finally stopped moving and speaking, simply opting to stare.
When Ratio did not say anything, he spoke up. “Well? I'm listening.”
Ratio gently pushed him back, moving the blonde off of his lap. He moved from holding his wrists to holding his hands. Gentle. “You.. For starters, your lack of self worth is astounding. I keep thinking of what I should tell you, but I am aware of my.. deficiencies when it comes to emotion. And yet I will push through this, because I need you to know what is true,”
Ratio cups the Avgin's face gently, almost trying to look straight into his soul. Veritas had no clue as to how to get through Aventurine’s thick skill, but that does not mean he won’t try. After a still moment of analysis, he summoned the will to speak.
“I do not intend to use you. If I had it my way, I would make certain that no one could ever harm you again. You have been through hell and back. They stripped you of your dignity, and then decided to take your life too. Your mind is the only thing that is yours and yours alone, and yet.. Between Sunday’s use of the harmony and these tapes, you cannot be certain of that either.”
“The fact that you are still alive and in front of me is a true miracle, one I could not be more grateful for. No matter what that voice inside of your head wants you to believe, you are not alone. You are far from worthless, and you have value beyond what you can do for others. The fact that you’ve been convinced otherwise simply strengthens my resolve that you deserve better. Aventurine, you deserve kindness. I do not care what you have done, what people have done to you. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be found. How can I prove that to you?”
Ratio felt almost out of breath, as his heart hammered in his chest. Aventurine didn’t speak for a long moment, each second increasing the tension in the air. And yet with Ratio’s hands cupping Aventurine’s face, it felt as though there was no misinterpreting it. Aventurine spoke, so soft that the doctor almost couldn’t hear it.
“Would you kiss me?”
There was only a split second of hesitation, before Ratio leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his lips. The two quickly melted into one another's, with a gentleness foreign to the blonde. Ratio moved his hands to cup the back of Aventurine’s head, and the blonde held onto Ratio's shoulders for dear life. It was almost hungry, but it wasn’t. It was desperate, similar to a dying man scrambling for his life. Calloused hands and scarred ones found eachother in the midst of it, before they had to pull away for air.
Aventurine moved in to continue, but Ratio did not allow for it. The scholar pulled him into an embrace, chests heaving against one another. Silence fell over them, a comforting blanket in the midst of a blizzard. Ratio only spoke after a long minute, a simple question.
“Will you let me find you?”
“..Do you truly want to?”
“It would be my greatest honor. Greater than any accolade or gaze.”
Aventurine only spoke after pulling back to press a much softer kiss to the scholar’s lips.
“Then I am yours to find.”