Love Me Now

by rosyredcheeks

Summary:

Taeyong was content to leave the past where it belonged, in the past. But Johnny just had to come crashing back into his life like he had never left, only to ask Taeyong to come with him to his sister's wedding as his boyfriend. It didn't matter that the two hadn't talked for years, Taeyong was never able to tell Johnny no in the past and this time he wouldn't be able to either.

- or the johnyong fake relationship au mixed with a complicated past, a rocky present, and a hopeful future

Notes:

Above all of my fics, this is the one I have worked the longest on. I have gone through such a rollercoaster with this fic and I'm just so glad it's out in the world now. I hope you all like it. 🥹

(This is mostly unbetad, but I have been heavily editing it myself for a long time so I hope I did an okay job! If I didn't, just lie or keep it to yourself so I won't cry. Okay, thank you 💗)

June before University Junior Year - One month before the wedding

The door slammed shut behind him, rattling the frame and making Jungwoo jump from his place on the couch.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop shutting the door like that, you ginormous, overgrown string bean,” Jungwoo said. Johnny huffed as the keypad on the door made the beeping sound of it locking into place. “And don’t forget to put your shoes where they belong.”

Johnny ignored him and threw his shoes off, one hitting the door and one landing upside down near the closet. He sat down on the couch and sighed. He could feel the lump form in his throat, the hot tears welling in his eyes. Johnny had a habit of crying when he felt frustrated. Even more so, when he knew he hurt someone. That’s all he had been doing lately. Hurting someone. He had been hurting one person in particular for years now even if they didn’t know the extent of it.

Jungwoo gave him a look. “What’s going on with you?”

“I fucked up. Royally.”

Jungwoo raised one eyebrow and turned to face his roommate. “Well, go on.”

 

Christmas Break - University Sophomore Year

“Johnny, you only checked the steak dinner. What will Taeyong be eating?”

Johnny looked up from his phone in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

His sister furrowed her brow at him and placed a hand on her hip. “What do you mean what am I talking about?” When Johnny didn’t say anything, she continued, “At the wedding? Is Taeyong not a vegetarian anymore?”

Johnny swallowed, hard and heavy. Ah, the consequences of his actions. He knew it would explode in his face one day. He just hadn’t expected it to have come this quickly.

“Oh yeah, I'm sorry Jess. Taeyong,” Johnny paused, racking his brain for an excuse he hadn’t used before, one that would work well enough to get Taeyong out of the wedding. He snapped his fingers as the metaphorical lightbulb above his head lit up. “He has an appointment that he can’t get out of on the 16th so unfortunately I will be flying solo at the wedding.” Nervous laughter rippled out of Johnny’s mouth. “Uh, yeah. He’s, uh, pretty heartbroken about it.”

Johnny was almost confident he had pulled it off. Soon the wedding would be over and he would be able to tell his family the truth. However, Jess didn’t look nearly as upset as Johnny expected her to look. She didn’t look phased one bit. The smirk on her face was unnerving.

“Well, it’s a good thing the wedding is on the 6th, huh?”

Johnny abruptly stood up from the couch. He kept trying to think of something he could say that would let him backtrack, but he could tell he probably looked like a fish out of water with all of the mouth gaping he was doing. His sister reached over and patted him. “I will put him down for the vegetarian option then.” Johnny was speechless as the reality set in and the careful bubble he had put himself in popped. His feet had hit the ground and he could tell his knees were about to buckle under the pressure of the tangled web he had weaved.

Jess giggled as she walked out of the room. “You know, we are all looking forward to seeing him again after all of this time. It’ll be nice to actually see the lovebirds together,” she said over her shoulder.

Johnny laughed nervously, picking up his phone from where it had dropped onto the floor when he got up from the couch. He was, for the lack of a better word, fucked.

 

June before University Junior Year - One month before the wedding

“So now I have to find a way to convince him to come to the wedding with me.”

Jungwoo blinked at his roommate, once, twice before the laughter came rippling out of his chest. “God, Johnny. You’re an idiot.”

Johnny pulled on his hair in frustration. “Don’t you think I know that?” He started to pace the length of the apartment trying to think of a solution to his problem. “What am I supposed to do? When I saw him last month it was like I could physically hear his heart breaking again. I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to cry.”

Jungwoo turned to look at Johnny, sympathy shining in his eyes. “Well Johnny boy, you have a few options. One, you tell your family that you’ve been lying. Two, you tell your family you and Taeyong ‘broke up.’ Or three, you contact Taeyong and ask him to go with you by either telling him what’s been going on or lying some more.”

“I can’t lie to him. I’ve never been able to. Withholding the truth, however.” Johnny tried to smile, but it just felt as pathetic as he assumed it looked. “I can’t tell my family the truth, not before the wedding at least.”

Jungwoo sighed but gave Johnny a small and encouraging smile. “Then you know exactly what you need to do. Shall I grab your phone for you?”

 

January of University Sophomore Year

Taeyong’s first thought this morning was simple. He wondered if Jaehyun had messaged him about what time they were meeting at the library. The sunlight filtered in through the curtains and the air conditioner that was on full blast had caused his left arm to become cold. Taeyong rolled over to find his phone in the folds of his gray comforter. He blinked blearily at the brightness of his phone and swiped away the seven notifications he had received while he was sleeping. Taeyong clicked on the Kakao app to read the message from Jaehyun that said he wanted to meet in the library at 11 a.m. It was nearing 10:30, so Taeyong sat up and started to get presentable.

When he arrived, he spotted Jaehyun sitting at a table talking to another guy, someone Taeyong didn’t instantly recognize. Taeyong just assumed it was a friend he had never met who saw Jaehyun in the library before Taeyong did. “Hey, I’m here,” he called out to announce his presence. Jaehyun looked up at him and smiled his way. Taeyong smiled back and the person who was sitting across from him turned around.

Taeyong gasped in surprise and took a step backward. The look on the person’s face was something of shock, directly mirroring Taeyong’s own.

Johnny.

After all this time with no contact, with no idea where he was or what he was doing, and after thinking about him every morning to then only the occasional stray thought… now here he was. Sitting across from one of Taeyong’s closest friends like they had known each other for a while.

“Taeyong.” His name came out of Johnny’s mouth in the smallest of whispers. Taeyong’s heart stuttered in his chest.

Jaehyun looked back and forth between the two, trying to determine how they knew each other. “I guess introductions aren’t necessary.”

Taeyong ripped his eyes away from Johnny to look over at Jaehyun. He was bewildered. He was all sorts of thrown off. He closed his eyes and shook his head as if to shake off this weird dream, this weird alternate universe that he had somehow slipped into. Taeyong hoped when he opened his eyes, he would either wake up in his bed or Johnny would be gone and just a strange figment of his imagination. And yet, much to his surprise when he opened his eyes again, Johnny was still sitting there in front of him looking up at him with a bewildered look on his face. Taeyong looked over at Jaehyun and let out the breath he had been holding in. “How do you know him?”

Taeyong realized he couldn’t even say his name. He was scared that if he did, it might make him more real. Taeyong hoped that he could walk away from the library, go back to bed, wake up tomorrow, and never have to see or hear from Johnny again.

Jaehyun blinked. “Johnny’s my lab partner. I thought I told you about him. Remember the story about my professor nearly throwing her book at some dumbass last semester?”

Taeyong nodded, slowly. He was trying to recall a moment when he had talked to Jaehyun about his lab partner. He remembered the story of the professor getting angry and he remembered Jaehyun talking about a lab partner who had quickly become a close friend of his, but he didn’t remember it being anyone named Johnny. Surely if he had heard that name, he would have asked more questions. “It was him?”

Johnny started to gather his stuff, shoving it haphazardly into his backpack. Taeyong noticed and felt the first prick of annoyance settle under his skin. Still a coward. Johnny cleared his throat. “Um, I should go. I'll text you later, Jae.” He looked at Taeyong once again. His mouth dropped open like he wanted to say something but instead, he turned on his heel toward the exit.

“Running away again I see,” Taeyong muttered. Johnny shot him a look of surprise. Jaehyun looked uncomfortable. Taeyong didn’t know what to do or what to say or how to feel. Should he sit down? Should he wait for Johnny to leave? Taeyong had so many questions. There was so much going through his head and he didn’t know how to deal with it. He wasn’t sure if he should just leave and pretend that this never happened or if he should try and calm himself down enough to ask Jaehyun about him. Johnny sped past him and right out of the library. Taeyong watched him walk away and kept staring at the library doors, watching people coming in and out and slightly hoping Johnny would come back and explain himself. That maybe this would be the time that Johnny would decide not to run away, this would be the time in which he spared a second glance toward Taeyong.

“Uh, Tae? Are you okay over there? Are you going to sit down?” Taeyong turned around to face his friend. Jaehyun looked concerned and a little curious. “Are you going to explain what just happened or should I text Johnny and ask him?”

Taeyong reached out like he was going to grab the chair in front of him and then let his hand drop. “You said last semester. How long have you known Johnny?”

Jaehyun sat up straighter in his chair. “We met in Chem lab. So,” Jaehyun stopped to do the math in his head. “Like four months?”

Taeyong started laughing in disbelief. “How long has he been a student here?”

“He transferred from a school overseas after freshman year was over.” Taeyong continued to laugh, but his laughter started to turn into something sadder.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jaehyun jumped up as he noticed the tears start to fall from Taeyong’s face. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in close. Taeyong took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” His thumb brushed back and forth across Taeyong’s shoulder.

Jaehyun, with one hand still grounding Taeyong, put his stuff into his own backpack and directed Taeyong out of the library. Taeyong felt like it was just like him to have a breakdown in the middle of the library. At least it wasn’t like it was out of nowhere.

Taeyong’s first thought in the morning used to be the same thing every single day. It was always Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. How was Johnny doing in Chicago? Was the school everything he hoped it would be? Was he the social butterfly Taeyong knew him to be and making friends everywhere he went? Was he joining clubs, acing all of his classes, and showing off his Korean skills to his new American friends when they went out for a taste of the home Johnny left behind? Was he hanging out with the person he would have replaced Taeyong with?

There was a desperation in Taeyong that ached for answers of any kind. It was a craving he knew he was likely unable to satisfy. Often, he would unlock his phone, and look Johnny up on any of his social media accounts only to be reminded that he blocked Johnny for a reason.

It took Taeyong what seemed like forever to get there, but one morning he woke up and his first thought wasn’t about his ex-best friend. He remembered thinking it was oddly refreshing to wake up on the right side of the bed instead of grasping for closure that was too far away. 6,526 miles out of reach, to be exact. He finally felt like he could move on. It had been long enough and Taeyong knew he didn’t want to spend his whole college experience pining for someone who didn’t care enough about him, someone who left him without a single look back.

But now Johnny was back. Had been back for months and didn’t feel like it was necessary to find Taeyong and tell him he was back. Not to mention that he was now at the same university as Taeyong, the same university they had originally planned to go to together. As the tears ran down his cheeks he felt like he had been thrown back in time. Back to the Taeyong who had to live with a broken, stuttering heart that weighed heavily in his chest. The Taeyong whose heart pushed against his ribs, begging for a release that he just didn’t know how to grant. It took him so long to gather the strength to move forward and with just one look at the taller man, Taeyong felt like all of his progress had been shattered. He pressed his hand against his chest, trying to find a way to soothe the ache.

“What do you need?” Jaehyun asked with worry shining in his eyes.

“Doyoung.”

 

May of University Sophomore Year

“You know if I wasn’t your best friend, I would assume you had gone crazy.”

The number of canvases, sketchbooks, paint, and brushes Taeyong had gone through since his run-in with Johnny was kind of scary. The last couple of months had passed in a flurry of late-night studying sessions, memorizing names and dates, tests upon tests, and ruining several pieces of clothes with paint.

Taeyong felt weirdly inspired by the encounter. It was like the anger and the sadness, and every emotion he felt in between, fueled some kind of artistic fire that had Taeyong churning out piece after piece. Some of it was usable and some of it he would never let anyone see, but either way he was sort of grateful for it. Inspiration doesn’t always have to come from a good place.

Taeyong looked up at Doyoung as he entered his apartment and stepped around the mess of art supplies Taeyong had sprawled out all over the floor. He sat down on the couch and reached over to hand Taeyong a drink. “Two shots, as you requested.”

Taeyong reached out for the drink with grabby hands, thanking Doyoung. He had been up for hours working on a painting and when Doyoung asked if he wanted a coffee Taeyong felt like he could cry. He had class in two hours and he was sure without a hit of caffeine he would drop dead on the walk over to the lecture hall. Doyoung leaned back, cradling his iced pineapple matcha in his hands, giving Taeyong’s newest painting a funny look. “What do you call this one?”

Taeyong sighed. “It doesn’t even have a name. I don’t think I like this one that much.”

“Haven’t you been working on this one since like three a.m.?”

Taeyong took a sip of his latte. He nodded. “A lot of the work I’ve done recently is just trash. Fueled by an encounter I didn’t want to have in the first place.”

“At least something good came out of his reappearance,” Doyoung said softly. Taeyong could tell that he still felt guilty about the situation. Doyoung knew who Johnny was but at the time when Taeyong ran into Johnny again the relationship Doyoung had started with Jaehyun was too fresh. Doyoung and Jaehyun had no idea that the other person knew Johnny.

Even though it had been several months since the run-in, Taeyong just couldn’t stop thinking about how Johnny had been on the same campus as him, had friends in common with him, and went to the same places as him and Taeyong was just completely unaware. How many times had he listened to Jaehyun tell a story about his lab partner or had he passed Johnny as they both walked around on campus and never once noticed him? The whole situation had gotten under his skin and buried itself so deeply that he couldn’t fully let it go.

“I can’t let him have that much power over me.” Easier said than done.

Doyoung smiled, taking a sip of his drink. “Good. Now get up and take a shower. You have to go take your last exam soon.”

 

June before University Junior Year - One month before the wedding

Taeyong thought maybe he would see Johnny or hear from him after the encounter, but months passed and nothing happened. For the first couple of months after, Jaehyun would watch out for possible interactions with Johnny so Taeyong wouldn’t have to worry about running into him again. He would get a text now and then that would say something like, “Spotted J in the café. Hope you don’t need coffee from Jo’s right now.” It was both helpful and unhelpful at the same time. Taeyong had appreciated that his friends were looking out for him and that they were worried about him, but he didn’t want to know where Johnny was at all times. He tried to tell Jaehyun he was fine, but he thought maybe Jaehyun felt guilty about playing some kind of role in unintentionally keeping Johnny a secret from Taeyong, so he let him text him updates on Johnny’s location anyway. After some time, Doyoung and Jaehyun stopped mentioning him and texting Taeyong every time they spotted him. It was a relief to not have to think about him as often anymore.

He could move on with his life as he wanted to. He wanted nothing more than to just forget about what Johnny did to him and his heart. But the universe was having none of that. Every time Taeyong thought maybe this would be the day he wouldn’t think about him, he would spot him walking past, talking to someone, bending down to tie his shoe, and getting a drink out of a vending machine. Taeyong and Johnny never made eye contact, thank whatever higher being for that small blessing, but Taeyong felt his heart clench every time he saw him anyway. It felt like a tiny needle piercing his heart and at this point, he was a full pin cushion. It made him wonder just how many times this happened over the last semester. But he didn’t want to think about it, because thinking about it hurt. It made him angry. Just how oblivious was Taeyong? How did he never notice him?

Then all of a sudden Taeyong’s sophomore year had come to an end. Thankfully, he finished the year without any more interactions with Johnny, and anytime Jaehyun wanted to hang out with Johnny or his friends Taeyong made sure to stay the hell away from wherever they would be. Taeyong was feeling lighter than he was before. He was doing well in all of his classes, he was still finding inspiration to create art, and he had a job he really liked. Most of all he was excited to have a summer off to live his best life with Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Ten.

He walked into the kitchen and saw his roommate leaning against the counter eating a bowl of cereal. “You know if you eat with your eyes closed you might actually miss your mouth.”

Ten opened his eyes and smiled softly at Taeyong. “I’m a pro at eating cereal half-awake.”

Taeyong gathered up the things he needed to make himself a bowl of cereal. As he poured the cereal and the milk, he asked Ten what he had planned for the day. Ten was about to respond when Taeyong’s phone went off. He walked over to check the notification. “Who the hell?”

Ten looked up with curiosity. “Who is it?”

“I don’t know. Some random number messaged me asking to meet to talk.”

“Maybe ask who they are? Maybe it’s a friend that you never saved the number of?”

Taeyong waited for a response. He picked up his phone the next time he heard the notification of a new message. He read it and gasped.

“And?”

Taeyong breathed out slowly. “It’s him.”

Ten sat up straighter. “Johnny?”

Taeyong nodded. “After all of these months, he is just now texting me to meet?”

“Are you going to go?”

Taeyong shot him a look. “As if I would give him the time of day,” he said as he threw his phone to the side after sending back a response.

***

“He told me to fuck off.”

Jungwoo laughed. “Of course, he did. You know I think I like this guy more than I like you and I haven’t even met him yet.”

Johnny pouted. “What am I supposed to do here?”
“Put yourself in his shoes, John. You were his best friend, then you weren’t. You came back and had a chance to repair this and you didn’t. For a year you’ve been back at this university and never once did either of you try to talk to one another.” Jungwoo ran his hand over his face and continued. “He’s only known you’ve been back since January and I’m sure he’s done everything in his power to avoid you as hard as you’ve been avoiding him.”

Johnny looked down at his phone and frowned. Jungwoo was right.

“You haven’t really talked in almost two years and now you’re messaging him out of the blue. Like ‘Hey long time no see but wanna talk?’ Really Johnny, what did you think he would say to you?”

“You were the one who convinced me to message him and ask him to come with me!” Johnny said accusatory.

“Because you two need to work this out! I am team Johnyong. I want you two to stop being so thick-headed and apologize to one another. But you can’t just expect him to forgive you right away and come with you to the wedding like nothing ever happened and these years aren’t laying in between you two.”

Johnny picked his phone back up and typed out a new message to his old friend. “How’s this?” He showed his phone to Jungwoo before pressing send.

Jungwoo nodded. “That’s a start.” He got up and walked over to the kitchen. “Give him some time. He’ll come around.”

***

“He’s still texting me.”

Doyoung looked up at him. “Have you tried responding?”

“Isn’t ‘fuck off’ a good enough response?”

Jaehyun laughed. “You know Johnny’s stubborn.”

Taeyong sighed. “I just don’t understand it. Why is he being so persistent? It's been a week since he sent that first message.”

Doyoung glanced at Jaehyun before looking back over at Taeyong. “Forgive me for saying this, because I am team Taeyong only, but maybe he misses you?”

“Maybe you should meet up with him to tell him how you feel in person?”

***

Taeyong reluctantly agreed to meet Johnny at a café one morning. He would find out what Johnny wanted from him and then leave. He wouldn’t stick around. He would be firm. He would be strong. And he wouldn’t let Johnny pull him back in. He got to the café early and sat down outside letting the hot summer air soak into his skin. He sat with his back to the entrance and held his drink in his hands, sipping slowly and trying to calm his anxiety down.

“I was going to order you a drink, but I see you already have one.”

As many times as Taeyong has envisioned talking to Johnny again, he never imagined that would be the first thing he would say.

He looked up and really met eyes with Johnny for the first time in years. “You wouldn’t know what to order.”

“Looks like you still drink chai lattes,” Johnny said as he sat down across from him, setting down an americano on the table.

“I add espresso to it now.” Taeyong wasn’t sure why he was telling this to Johnny.

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “You’ve finally come around to the wonderful world of coffee?”

Taeyong sighed. “Why did you want to meet?”

Johnny took a sip of his drink. “A lot of time has passed and this is going to sound crazy and I am sorry that I am asking you this. It’s fucking crazy, I recognize that. I really didn’t want to do this, but Jungwoo convinced me that I had to. I kept telling him that I would just work it out because I thought I had time. You know I told Jess that you couldn’t make it and I thought my excuses were working, but I got caught and it’s too late to go back and I-”

Taeyong was trying to ignore the fact that his heart had started beating faster the longer Johnny sat in front of him, rambling nervously. Johnny wasn’t making any sense and Taeyong was starting to get frustrated listening to him wildly miss the point he was trying to make.

“Oh my god Johnny, can you just say whatever it is that you’re trying to say?”

“Jess’s getting married.”

Taeyong raised an eyebrow. “Good for her? What does that have to do with me?” All of a sudden his heart started slowing down as Johnny gulped in what Taeyong assumed to be a nervous way.

“I need you to come with me to her wedding,” Johnny responded.

Taeyong looked at him for a second. He laughed. “That’s funny.” The laughter stopped when he saw the look on Johnny’s face. “Wait, are you being serious?”

Johnny nodded. Taeyong’s heart stopped entirely.

“And why would I do that?”

“Because they think you’re coming.”

“Why do they think that, Johnny?”

He swallowed hard and licked his lips. Scrunching his eyes closed, he said, “Because I told them you would be.”

Johnny couldn’t tell and Taeyong would never show him, but internally he was freaking the fuck out. He took a sip of his drink before he responded. “So, tell them I'm not coming? I’m just not following you here. I don’t understand the problem.”

“Well,” he cleared his throat before continuing. “I might’ve led my family to believe that you’re my boyfriend?” Johnny’s voice got smaller on the last word as if it was hard for him to say out loud. Even his intonation made it sound like it was a question, rather than a statement.

Taeyong’s eyes went wide. He tried to laugh because this was quite possibly the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. Especially considering how ironic it was. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t wrap his head around what he was hearing. Taeyong couldn’t even respond so Johnny just continued to try and explain himself.

“I tried to say we broke up. I tried to lie and say that you couldn’t come because of an art project or an appointment or literally anything, but nothing I said could get you out of it. And now my family is convinced you’re coming. I hate asking you this and I will understand if you say no, but would you please come with me to the wedding?”

Taeyong, letting the anger fuel him, laughed. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Taeyong stood up and grabbed his phone and wallet off of the table. Shoving them into the pockets of his pants, he said, “I can’t believe you would have the audacity to sit here and ask me to do you a favor. Despite what your family thinks, I am not your boyfriend. I don’t know why you told them that or that I would be coming with you to the wedding when I haven’t even seen your family in years, but the answer is no.”

He tried to walk away, feeling the tears threatening to come up and spill over his face, but then he felt a hand grab onto his wrist. “Taeyong, wait!”

Taeyong whipped around, yanking his wrist out of Johnny’s grip. Johnny flinched at the abrupt pull.

“No. I waited long enough. I am not doing you any favors. Tell Jess I said congratulations.”

Taeyong turned back towards the sidewalk that would lead him back to his car. He was going to stay strong. He was going to make it back to his car and drive away from his past. He wouldn’t look back at Johnny.

He made it a few miles away in the direction of his apartment when he had to pull over and let out a sob. He let himself cry until he was pretty sure his tears had run dry before heading home.

***

Johnny left Taeyong alone after that. He watched as he walked away. He kept watching until he couldn’t see his car in the distance anymore. He didn’t know why he asked Taeyong about the wedding. He knew Taeyong was going to say no. It was too much of Johnny to ask Taeyong for a favor after everything that happened between them. Their relationship was fragile and broken mostly because of Johnny, and he was a dick for pushing him like that. Johnny wasn’t a violent person, but at that moment he wanted to punch something.

He called Yuta to come and pick him up. As soon as his car pulled into the parking lot and Johnny saw the smiling face of his friend behind the wheel, he felt a little bit better. He opened the car door and was greeted with a, “Well how did it go?”

“How do you think it went?” Johnny asked sarcastically, shutting the door and pulling his seatbelt across his chest.

Yuta pulled away. “I’m assuming not very well since you called me to come and get you. Where do you want to go?”

Johnny reached over for the aux cord, plugged in his phone, and pressed shuffle on his ‘Rainy Day’ playlist. “Can you just drive for a bit?”

Yuta nodded and said nothing else in response. Johnny liked that about Yuta. He was a man of very few words. He once asked Yuta about that and was met with a soft smile and a “Quality over quantity, my friend.”

Johnny wasn’t sure what he was thinking, asking Taeyong to meet like that. Jungwoo was right about it being completely out of the blue. Too much time had passed and they weren’t friends like they were back in high school. They didn’t even remotely have any type of relationship that should have made Johnny think he could have asked Taeyong to forgive the past and pretend to be his boyfriend for a weekend.

He knew he was a coward. He knew he could have fixed this. He knew he could have at least tried to apologize first, maybe bring up the past as a way to lead into the conversation, but he didn’t. He still wasn’t even sure what he would say to Taeyong after all of this time. And sitting there in public wasn’t the best place to hash it all out. Johnny knew if he started with an apology and then asked about the wedding, Taeyong would just assume that the apology wasn’t genuine. That he only said sorry to get Taeyong to agree to go with him to the wedding.

Johnny knew the tear in their friendship was all his fault. The ball had been placed in his court and he decided to ignore it until he tripped over it. Johnny leaned against the window, watching the lights reflect off the road, seeing all of the cars passing them by. The cool glass of the window felt good against his forehead. It made him forget about his headache for a second.

“Did you know that playing the accordion was once a requirement for teachers in North Korea?”

The question came completely out of nowhere. Johnny looked over at Yuta with a puzzled look on his face. Yuta’s face was dead serious, so much so that when he looked over to see what Johnny’s face looked like he had to do a double take. The oddness and so Yuta-like of it all made Johnny burst out laughing.

“No, I didn’t know that,” he said with a chuckle.

“I knew that would make you laugh. You know I know you usually go to Jungwoo to talk about things like this or whatever happened today, but I am a good listener. I’m always here for you,” Yuta said.

“I know. After all, who did I call to come and get me today?”

Yuta smiled. “I know a spot that might be able to take your mind off of this. Trust me?”

Johnny nodded.

 

Hours later Johnny was feeling better than before. He was sitting down, listening to Donghyuck argue with Mark about whether cereal was soup or not.

“You’re ridiculous! There is no way it's soup. Hyung, back me up,” Donghyuck said as he looked over at Johnny with a pout on his face.

“I’m not going to get in between whatever this is,” he gestured vaguely at the area of the room where his cousin and his boyfriend were sitting. “Ask Yuta to back you up.”

Yuta raised his eyebrows. “Uh, no. I will not deign to include myself in a lover’s quarrel.”

Mark flushed. “Dude,” he said while rubbing the back of his neck.

“What? Are you embarrassed Markie?” Johnny asked with a smug look on his face.

His cousin shot him a look. “Leave him alone. He’s baby.”

It was Mark’s turn to shoot him a look. “Dude! I’m older than you!”

“He said we were lovers and you blushed. You are baby,” Donghyuck said, sticking out his tongue.

“You are both baby. End of discussion,” Johnny said.

Yuta chuckled next to him. “Agreed.”

“Hyung, Jess told me you are bringing a plus one. Did Taeyong hyung figure out his schedule?”

Johnny looked over at his cousin. He had been lying to his family about his situation with Taeyong since he came back last summer. It was easy to keep the lying to a minimum for the first few months. Oh, Yong can’t come to the family dinner because he has an art exhibit. Oh, his job is keeping him busy. It was this or that and his family thought nothing of it. Johnny couldn’t go see his family all that often anyway, so it worked out. Then Jess got engaged to her longtime boyfriend and she started bugging Johnny about bringing Taeyong to the wedding. There was a reason why Donghyuck didn’t know the truth and would keep it that way for as long as he could. He didn’t want Donghyuck to start looking at him any differently.

“Yeah, he’ll be there,” he said. The lie barely made its way past his teeth. It was sour and bitter on his tongue, making his stomach twist and his heart clench uncomfortably. It was always harder lying to Donghyuck than anyone else. He hoped that one day he could tell him the truth. Maybe one day he would be brave enough to admit to his flaws, own up to his mistakes and accept the new way his precious cousin would look at him.

 

April of High School Senior Year

There was something Johnny wasn’t telling Taeyong. He could feel it. Johnny’s smile hadn’t quite stretched across his face like normal lately and he couldn’t make direct eye contact with Taeyong most days. Taeyong noticed it right away, but he didn’t know what to do about it. He kept trying to convince himself that everything was fine, he was seeing things, and if there was something wrong Johnny would tell him when he was ready.

Taeyong didn’t even notice it until Johnny had been incredibly late for their standing Saturday plans. Every Saturday was reserved for Taeyong and Johnny to play games at the PC cafe, read manhwa until their stomachs demanded they put something inside them, and watch dramas with Taeyong’s mom until she left for work. Sometimes there was variety in the plan, a new fun thing for them to experience, but the third Saturday in April was supposed to be typical. Just normal best friend hang-out time. Taeyong waited around for his phone to ping with a message from Johnny alerting him to come outside and when more than an hour passed without a single word from Johnny, Taeyong decided to head over to his house to see what was going on.

His dad had been surprised to see him, saying how he had thought Johnny had already left for the day. Taeyong toed off his shoes politely and greeted the older man with a bow.

“Maybe he’s still asleep? I swear that boy.”

Johnny’s dad muttered something unpleasant under his breath and Taeyong ignored it as he made his way upstairs.

“Johnny?” Taeyong called, knocking lightly on the door with one hand as he turned the knob to enter the room with the other. Johnny was sound asleep on his bed. Exactly where Taeyong thought he would be. And Taeyong found that he wasn’t even mad. He was too fond. The smile on his face was a dead giveaway if anyone else had been in the room to see it. Taeyong closed the door softly and moved to open the curtains and let natural light into the room. Johnny stirred in his bed, but still made no moves to wake up.

Taeyong observed his best friend for a minute, moving to sit softly on the chair at Johnny’s desk. Johnny’s face was relaxed with the tranquility of sleep, his eyebrows unfurrowed, his hair perfectly framing his forehead, and his mouth slightly open making his lips look puckered.

Taeyong swept his eyes over Johnny’s sleeping figure and sighed. He didn’t want Johnny to wake up to see Taeyong staring at him, so he turned around to face Johnny’s mess of a desk. Maybe if he organized it while letting Johnny sleep a little longer he would wake up with one less thing to worry about. There were pieces of trash scattered across the desk, papers haphazardly laying over the surface, pens uncapped, and bits of eraser shavings as if he was in such a hurry with whatever he was working on that he couldn’t properly clean up. Johnny’s computer sat aligned with the edge of the desk, screen black. Taeyong started by scooping up the eraser shavings and the pieces of trash and dumping them into the trash can underneath the desk. He grabbed every piece of paper and put them into one stack. Pretty quickly the desk started looking like normal. Taeyong shifted the mouse into the right position, accidentally waking up the computer screen. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him sitting next to Johnny on his 16th birthday. Johnny was grinning like a fool at the camera, cake in front of him with a swipe right through the middle of the frosting displayed proudly on Johnny’s nose. Taeyong’s smile was almost as wide as Johnny’s as he looked at the birthday boy instead of the camera lens, finger held up with the remnants of frosting still on it. The picture made his heart swell. It was easily one of the best pictures of the two of them and it was nice to see that two years later Johnny still had it as his computer screen.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that the stack wouldn’t properly lay flat because of a paper in the middle. He turned to pull it out of the stack to lay it on top. The paper was hard under his fingers, cardstock of the finest quality, and perfectly creased to trifold. Taeyong noticed a shiny red logo in the corner under the top flap and curiosity had his fingers itching to unfold the paper. He turned over his right shoulder to see if Johnny was still asleep. When met with the sight of Johnny’s eyes still shut tight he turned back around and gulped before opening it up. A small part of him felt guilty about going through Johnny’s things and he felt scared as if he knew he was about to see something he didn’t want to see. But this was Johnny. His best friend in the whole world. Taeyong shouldn’t be worried, right? Johnny wouldn’t keep anything major from Taeyong anyway.

He pulled down the bottom flap and scanned his eyes across the letter. All of a sudden Taeyong was grateful that Johnny pushed him to learn English in school. He wasn’t the best at English, but he knew enough to understand what the letter said. It only took a few words to pull a sharp gasp out of Taeyong’s mouth.

Taeyong was so busy staring at the letter, shocked in silence that he didn’t notice Johnny had woken up. He didn’t even feel his presence looming behind him until the chair was turned around and Taeyong looked up in surprise to see Johnny standing so close. The letter was still gripped tightly in his hand.

“Taeyong, what are you doing?”

Congratulations? Taeyong looked at the letter closer and realized what the logo was, or rather where it was from. The words fully registered in Taeyong’s mind and he knew what it all meant. He knew why Johnny couldn’t make direct eye contact lately and why his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. This explained why he had felt like Johnny had been keeping something from Taeyong. He had just hoped he had been wrong, that Johnny wouldn’t have shielded something so life-changing from Taeyong.

“What is this?” He looked up at Johnny, eyes wide. He knew what it was. The question was rhetorical, but he needed Johnny to say it with his own mouth.

“I-”

Taeyong’s mouth dropped open. He felt the wind knock right out of his chest. Another pressing question popped into his head, but he was afraid to ask because he felt like he already knew the answer.

“You’re going, aren’t you? I mean you had to have made a decision by now, right?”

Taeyong wanted to stand up. He didn’t like having Johnny standing over him, the imbalance of power when Taeyong felt like his world was shifting around him. He wanted Johnny to be on his level when he broke his heart. But he also couldn’t stand up with how weak his knees felt.

Johnny nodded slowly. He had a thumb in his mouth, a nail in between his teeth as if he was ready to rip it off. “Their film and photography program is epic.” Johnny’s voice was small. Somehow even his nervous actions made him feel smaller, as if he was trying to crowd in on himself.

“I couldn’t believe they accepted me. I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I-”

Johnny stopped talking the second Taeyong put his hand holding the letter on Johnny’s chest. With a light shove, Johnny stepped backward giving Taeyong enough room to stand up. Johnny fumbled to grab the letter before it floated its way to the floor.

There was a teeny tiny part of Taeyong that felt like he should start praising Johnny, because of course they wanted him, who wouldn’t, but he couldn’t find the words. He held in tears as he pushed past Johnny and walked right over to his closet. His heart was beating a million miles an hour. He had to get out of there, but he needed confirmation that what he was thinking was correct first.

“Taeyong, what are you-”

He threw open the door and let out a shaky sigh at the sight of Johnny’s suitcase on the ground. Split open, the contents spilling out, a mirror image of Taeyong’s own heart.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I can’t do this,” he muttered, hoping it didn’t sound like he wanted to cry as much as he thought it did.

Johnny took a step toward the door. He moved his hand away from his chest, dropping the letter. It floated to the floor, spinning on its creases when it landed. Taeyong watched it move, unable to look away from the University of Chicago logo in the corner. The afternoon sun rays made the logo shine as if it were mocking Taeyong. “I’ll come with you. We can talk about this.”

“No,” Taeyong said. By the look on Johnny’s face, Taeyong was just as harsh as he had intended to be. “You had plenty of time to talk to me and you chose not to. You don’t get to talk now just because you’ve been caught.”

Johnny’s face fell a bit more, his mouth open like there was more he wanted to say, but he couldn’t get anything out. Taeyong felt the tears come faster as he whirled out of Johnny’s room and thundered down the stairs.

***

Taeyong knew he couldn’t avoid Johnny forever, but he needed some space to think everything through. He let the rest of the weekend pass without answering a single one of Johnny’s calls, let the texts build up, and did his best to ignore the little red numbers on the top right corner of the apps. Even Monday at school he did his best to avoid Johnny at every turn, going as far as eating lunch in the library by himself when he saw Johnny waiting for him at their usual table. Their other friends patted Johnny on the back as if Taeyong was the bad guy and Johnny was the one who needed comfort and not the other way around. It only frustrated Taeyong further.

He knew he was mad. That much was clear. Johnny lied to him, hid things from Taeyong, and made the decision to go to another school in an entirely different country. That was enough to make him angry beyond belief.

But he also wanted the best for Johnny. If Johnny thought that the University of Chicago might be able to provide that for him, how could Taeyong stop him from going? He just didn’t understand why Johnny wanted to fly 7,000 miles away or why he wanted to leave Taeyong behind, completely forgetting their promise to go to college together. Taeyong just felt so conflicted. Taeyong felt like his heart was being clenched in his chest. He didn’t want Johnny to leave, but he also knew that he wouldn’t hold him back. He had to accept it anyway since Johnny had already made the decision to go. Anger was the best emotion to focus on just because it was easier.

He knew ignoring him would only work for so long before Johnny came knocking on his door. He thought he would have more time so he wasn’t expecting it when it happened. He had been making himself something to eat for dinner when the banging on the front door started. He opened the door, not sure what he was expecting, but he braced himself for the worst.

“Finally,” Johnny said. His body deflated as if he had been holding in a deep breath and just the sight of Taeyong was enough to make him release it.

Taeyong’s heart ached, but he knew he needed to stand his ground. He opened his mouth like he was going to respond, but was interrupted by Johnny.

“You’ve been ignoring me all weekend. You haven’t answered any of my texts or phone calls.”

Taeyong tried to say something again, but yet again Johnny stopped him.

“I understand you’re upset, but there’s no reason to be immature.”

Taeyong stepped outside, pulling the front door shut behind him as he stepped closer to Johnny. “That’s ironic.”

Johnny huffed, crossing his arms across his chest. “Are you jealous?”

If Taeyong hadn’t been so stunned by those words he would have laughed right in Johnny’s face. “Of what? What could I possibly be jealous of?”

“That I got into a better college than you.”

“Neo U is a great college.” Taeyong rolled his eyes.

“Well, at least I’m going abroad. If you’re not jealous then what is this?”

“This?” Taeyong pointed at himself. “This is anger, Suh. Not jealousy. When have I ever made you think I wanted to go abroad?” Taeyong let go of a heavy breath before continuing. “It’s not like I would call ‘going abroad’ the epitome of success.”

“Well, you’re still being immature by not wanting me to go. Do you need me to go to college with you that badly? Neo U just isn’t the right choice for me anymore. If I go there, I’ll be stuck.”

“When did I ever tell you not to go? Don’t put words in my mouth or assume my feelings when this is the first we’ve spoken on the subject. And I don’t need you to go to college with me. I want you to. There’s a difference. In case you’ve forgotten, I thought we had the same plan up until Saturday. But now all of a sudden, you’re acting the complete opposite. You’re acting like we haven’t been talking about being together every step of the way. Now you think going there would make you feel ‘stuck?’ You’re lying to yourself and you’re lying to me. I don’t know why, but I know you are. I know you.”

Johnny rolled his eyes. In one ear and out the other, Taeyong guessed.

“Plans change. Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do. Is it so wrong for me to want to get away?”

Taeyong scoffed. He didn’t understand what Johnny’s problem was. Johnny had wanted to go to Neo City University as much as Taeyong did. They had promised each other that they would go to university together. They had it all planned out. Then Johnny went and applied to a college on the opposite side of the planet without even telling Taeyong and was acting like their previous promise, their original plan, had all been in Taeyong’s head. Taeyong just couldn’t make any sense of it. He searched Johnny’s eyes for some honesty. This had to just be a front of some kind.

“Why do you need to get away so badly? Since when did it become a burden to be in Seoul? To be with me?”

“Not everything is about you Taeyong.”

“Yeah, clearly not. This has nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with us. Or our plan.”

“God, let go of the plan for like one second and just listen to me.”

“No. You listen to me. You didn’t even tell me you were thinking of going to this school. I didn’t even know you were applying because you conveniently forgot to tell your supposed best friend. It’s not even about you going. It’s about the fact that you didn’t tell me. That you applied, got in, accepted, and the only reason why I know is because I found the paper, not because you grew a pair and told me.”

Johnny sighed, fully sounding like an annoyed teenager. Taeyong felt Johnny’s annoyance hit him in the chest. Another bullet hole to his already wounded heart.

“We’re best friends Johnny. Best friends don’t lie to one another. They don’t lead the other person on. They tell each other the truth and how they feel. You owe me that courtesy.”

“Don’t you think I would have told you when I was ready? Not when you dug through my stuff while I was asleep and caught me off guard?”

“It’s not like that and you know it.”

Johnny ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “I would have told you.”

“When? When you were already in Chicago? Because it’s already too late now. The time to tell me came and went.”

He had hoped Johnny would have explained himself. That he would have told Taeyong how he applied in secret, dreading having to tell Taeyong that he did, but thought maybe he wouldn’t get in so it didn't matter. And then he did get in and it was too late to take it back. Taeyong craved an apology. Instead there Johnny was, on his front porch making Taeyong feel small and lying to him as if Taeyong couldn’t tell the difference. Telling Taeyong everything but the words he wanted to hear. His explanation was garbage. And they were both making things worse instead of making things better.

“We’re just friends. I didn’t realize I needed to tell you every little thing I did.”

Taeyong was so tired of repeating himself. Johnny didn’t get it. He was too busy acting on the defense instead of trying to put himself in Taeyong’s shoes. Clearly, if Johnny thought he didn’t owe Taeyong the truth as friends then maybe he had been lying about many things. Who knew what Taeyong could believe anymore?

“Despite what some people might think, you're not my boyfriend.”

“Alright, now you’re hurting my feelings on purpose.”

There was a brief second when something like regret flickered in Johnny’s eyes and Taeyong thought maybe Johnny would say he was just kidding. Johnny would laugh and laugh and tell Taeyong that this was all a joke. Maybe if Taeyong just closed his eyes, and dreamt of the way things had been just weeks before when they were together at the beach, he would find the Johnny he loved standing across from him instead. However cruel reality set in and Taeyong knew Johnny was going to remain stubborn, remain a liar. Just as quickly as the real Johnny appeared, he left. Johnny straightened his shoulders and stood there, looking more and more like a stranger with every second that passed. Taeyong didn’t recognize the person standing in front of him. This wasn’t his best friend.

“Fine. If you want to be that way then two can play that game. You know I can be every bit as stubborn as you. So just go. Go to this precious university if it means that much to you. But know that if you walk away right now I am not going to chase you down. You’ll realize you should have just told me the truth from the beginning but by that point, it’ll be too late. Quite frankly, it already is.”

Taeyong whirled around to open his front door. He stepped inside and threw the door shut behind him leaving Johnny still standing there at a loss for words. It only took seconds for all of his willpower to leave his body. Taeyong’s knees went weak, causing him to hit the floor. And then he just cried.

 

July before University Freshman Year

“He’s not coming.” Johnny gripped his passport and his ticket in his right hand, watching the people pass him by. None of them were who he was hoping would show up.

“You don’t know that! He could still show up,” his mom said, trying to remain positive.

Johnny simply shook his head. “I have a plane to catch. It’s my own damn fault he isn’t here anyway.”

His sister gave him a look of pity. Johnny adjusted the bag on his back and cleared his throat. He quickly gave his family hugs and promised to call often and come back for vacations when he could. “I’ll see you soon.” He smiled tightly and waved goodbye as he got closer to the security point. He made one last glance around, hoping, heart fracturing more with every sweep his eyes did. Taeyong hadn’t shown up. Johnny hadn’t been sure why he thought Taeyong would have been there after their fight. Taeyong had basically let him go and Johnny hadn’t fought for him like he should have. He held onto the anger for too long and then it just felt like it was too late to say sorry, just as Taeyong had told him it would be. Johnny let out a heavy sigh and begrudgingly walked closer to the next chapter in his life.

 

June before University Junior Year - One month before the wedding

It had been days since Taeyong had met up with Johnny. Less than a week, but it had been enough time that Taeyong was able to stop thinking about Johnny so much. It was enough for him to not feel as angry at the nerve of Johnny asking Taeyong to help him lie to his family. He was still angry, just not as much. Out of sight, out of mind as they say. The espresso machine next to him hummed, stopping with enough ground beans for Taeyong to continue to pull the shot. The café was unusually busy today with students and professors alike coming in one after the other. Taeyong looked over at Ten who was cleaning a blender in the sink behind him and sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Ten asked without turning around.

“What makes you think anything is wrong?” Taeyong asked back. He scooped ice into a cup, filling it with water, before pouring in the shot.

Ten didn’t even have to turn around for Taeyong to know what his face looked like.

“I just have a lot on my mind. Work’s been busy enough for me to not think about it so much, but it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped.”

Ten nodded. Taeyong called out the name for the Americano he had just made. After handing away the drink, he walked back over to the register to smile at the new customer who had walked in. But when he made eye contact with her, he felt almost as taken back as when he saw Johnny last year at the library.

“Jess, hi,” he said breathlessly.

Her smile was radiant. It rivaled her brother’s.

“Well hi right back!” she said excitedly.

Taeyong tried to smile, but he didn’t know what to say to her. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act knowing that Jess was under the impression that he was dating her brother and had been for a while. He was sure he was going to say something wrong or contradict something Johnny had told her. Maybe the best course of action was to let her speak as much as possible.

“Johnny told us you weren’t coming to the wedding,” she said, not even making eye contact with Taeyong but rather eyeing the menu. “You know I thought I had finally stopped all of his excuses for why he wasn’t going to bring you, but then he told me a couple of days ago that you said you just didn’t want to go.”

“Uh-” he started. Thinking fast was not one of his strengths. “Can I get you started on something Jess?” There. That would work for now.

“You know I was really looking forward to spending time with you again. I mean as much as I could while trying not to lose my mind with all of the last-minute details.”

“Yeah,” Taeyong mumbled.

“I guess I just wonder if there’s something I can do or say to help you be a part of the special day.” She finally stopped looking at the menu long enough to stare directly into what felt like Taeyong’s soul. The look on her face was enough to make Taeyong feel like it all of this was his fault. He felt guilty that he told Johnny no. He felt like he had been the one lying to her.

“It’s- I mean, I don’t think, um.”

“Taeyong, what’s wrong?” Jess questioned.

Ten cleared his throat behind Taeyong. “Um, do you need to take a quick 15? There’s a line growing.” He gestured to the few people who were shooting annoyed looks at Taeyong and Jess.

Taeyong didn’t want to say yes to Ten. He didn’t want to step away from the register and talk to Jess for longer than he needed to, but he also didn’t want to make the would-be bride feel bad before her wedding. He was sure Ten really didn’t want to take care of the customers by himself so Taeyong did the only thing he could think of doing to solve all of his problems at once.

“Yes. I’ll go. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t want to.”

Jess smiled, looking like she just won a million dollars. “Perfect! I'll take a grande iced caramel macchiato to go.” She handed over her card. “I can’t wait to see you again next month.”

Taeyong made her drink and smiled as best as he could while handing it over to her. “Yeah, I’ll see you soon. Congratulations Jess.”

As soon as she walked out the door, Ten looked over at Taeyong and raised one eyebrow. “What was that all about?”

Taeyong shook his head. “My past coming back to bite me in the ass.”

 

When Taeyong got back to his apartment in the evening, he felt like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders. He felt heavy and tired and just sort of exhausted. It was a mental and emotional kind of exhaustion that he wasn’t sure how to get rid of. He knew he would have to contact Johnny and talk about how they would survive the time at the wedding with one another having to pretend like they were lovers. At this point, he was sure that Jess had texted Johnny a long string of emojis to confirm that Taeyong would be coming to the wedding. He could picture the look on Johnny’s face when he saw the text, trying to figure out how he would contact Taeyong first to ask him what was going on. It was comical. The whole situation was, really. Taeyong felt like he was in the plot of some sort of romance novel, but he was desperate not to be the main character. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to have to be forced to do something that would only bring him pain in the long run.

Taeyong toed off his shoes and rolled his neck, trying, but failing, to rub out the tension. Ten had to stay and close the café so he wouldn’t be home for a little while longer. Taeyong took this opportunity to flop down on the couch and groan into the soft cushion. He was lying there for who knows how long, face first into the couch when he felt his phone buzz in his back pocket. He grabbed the phone, bringing it to the right side of his face to peek at the alert. Johnny finally worked up the courage to text him.

‘You told Jess you would be coming to the wedding?’ the text read.

Taeyong rolled over with a heavy sigh and brought his other hand to his phone so he could type properly.

‘Yeah. She kind of cornered me into saying yes.’

‘Sounds very Jess of her.’

Taeyong snorted. Johnny might have changed since high school, but it seemed as if his sister was the same person she always had been.

‘How are we going to do this?’ Taeyong wanted to get to the point of the conversation instead of stringing it along, making jokes with the person currently causing his headache.

Taeyong watched as the typing bubble popped up and down, up and down. For minutes, he sat there waiting for Johnny’s answer to come through.

‘Should we meet up to discuss this?’ Taeyong asked, feeling impatient.

Quicker than any of his other answers Johnny responded with a yes. Taeyong scoffed.

‘Don’t get any ideas, big guy. This is going to be quick and painless if I have any say and I hold all of the power here.’ He felt smug. A smirk grew on his face as he imagined Johnny’s face as he read that text.

‘Of course. I wouldn’t dare to step on your toes. Tomorrow at 12. You pick the place.’

Taeyong typed out a response, locked his phone, and dropped his face back into the pillow. Tomorrow was going to be a long day. He made a mental note to pack Tylenol in his bag before he left.

 

“Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him at all?”

Doyoung leaned back in his chair and slung his arm over the top of Jaehyun’s chair. Jaehyun settled back into his arm and reached over to fiddle with his phone. “You have to be strong. Tell him your do’s and don’ts and then you can’t break them when you two are at the wedding.”

Taeyong resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I know, Jae. And yeah, Doie I have thought about it.”

“Does he know we are going to be here?” Jaehyun asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

Taeyong shook his head. “No, but I’ll go sit with him at another table. You two are just here for moral support. Based on the way I felt after my last interaction with him I want to make sure I have people to back me up if I start to cry.”

“Do you need to go over what you’re planning to say?” Doyoung asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I think I’m okay. I got this.”

Taeyong had barely slept last night. It took Ten coming over to the couch whenever he got back from his shift and walking over to grab his feet, threatening to drag him to his room if he didn’t get up and go himself. Eventually, he groaned his way to the bathroom, standing in the shower trying to think about every single thing he wanted to discuss with Johnny tomorrow. The shower didn’t help as much as he thought it would. He tossed and turned and at one point aggressively got out of bed and sat down at his desk, gripping the pen in his hand hoping it would write everything he needed to say on its own. He knew he needed to go to this meeting prepared. He refused to sit there too affected by his feelings to say everything that he needed and wanted to say.

“I made a list,” he pulled out the piece of paper he had shoved into his bag this morning and waved it in Doyoung’s face.

Jaehyun laughed. “He’s prepared!”

Doyoung smirked at Jaehyun and looked over at Taeyong with a fond smile on his face. “You don’t need that. Everything you want to say is in here,” he pointed at Taeyong’s chest. “It will all come out naturally.”

Taeyong didn’t resist the urge to roll his eyes this time. “And if I just look at him and forget everything I want to say? What then?”

Jaehyun sighed softly. “You’re stronger than you think you are. Johnny holds no power over you. Just remember that, please Tae.”

Taeyong nodded, feeling the urge to cry creep up on him. He cleared his throat, taking a sip of his drink. Swallowing hard, he checked his phone and saw that Johnny had messaged him.

‘Here.’

“Okay. I’m going to find a table for us. I’ll come back over when Johnny and I are done talking.”

Doyoung smiled at him. “We will be right here. You got this.”

Jaehyun gave him a ‘fighting,’ clenching his fists and pouting his lips. Taeyong smiled at the two of them and wandered over to a table on the other side of the café. He watched the door and felt his heartbeat speed up as his past walked into the café.

***

Johnny was nervous, to say the least. The anxiety of having to sit across from Taeyong while discussing how they would effectively lie to his family for days was making his hands shake. He wasn’t sure if he should get coffee or not because caffeine wouldn’t do anything to help calm him down. He would have to be strong and let Taeyong say what he needed to say since he figured Taeyong was still mad at him. If last week was any indicator of his feelings, that is. When Johnny talked to Jess, she seemed to think he was thrilled about coming to the wedding and seeing everyone again. Ah, to walk around with rose-colored glasses on. He knew that wasn’t the case though. Taeyong said yes to placate the bride and to quell any guilty feelings that would have arisen had he said no. Taeyong certainly wasn’t doing Johnny a favor and Johnny needed to remember that. 

“Hey,” Johnny said softly as he approached the table Taeyong was sitting at. He noticed ripped-up pieces of the order sticker that were scattered around Taeyong’s cup and smiled at the memories that were brought back. It was nice to see that some things never change. 

“Hey,” Taeyong said, removing his hands from his cup and looking up at Johnny. There was a hint of a quiver on his lips as if Taeyong wanted to smile, muscle memory betraying him. “Are you going to get anything to drink?” he asked.  

“I was about to. Did you want another?” Johnny motioned to the drink in front of Taeyong and Taeyong’s eyes flitted down to the cup. He shook his head and Johnny nodded, walking away to order something.  

***

Johnny came back with a coffee a few minutes later, pulling the chair out and sitting down. It was all so nonchalant as if Johnny and Taeyong did this often enough for it to become a regular routine of theirs. For a solid minute, they refused to make eye contact with one another. The tension was thick enough that someone could have cut it with a knife. Taeyong cleared his throat and dared to look up. Johnny was already watching him, brow furrowed, biting his lip as if he wanted to speak but was holding himself back from letting whatever words that wanted to slip out of his mouth free.  

“What?” 

Johnny shook his head. “It’s nothing.” He took a sip before gesturing in Taeyong’s direction. “You said you wanted to call the shots.”  

“You want to lie to your family for several days. How the hell are we going to do that?” 

Johnny shifted in his chair. 

“What have you told them about us? I need to know everything before I go there and make a fool out of myself or ruin the plan.” 

“They thought we were a thing and I never corrected them. I just played into it. They think we’ve been together since I got back,” Johnny admitted.

“They never stopped to wonder why they never heard from me or why they never saw me with you since high school?” 

Johnny ran his hand through his hair, sighing. “I made an excuse every time I was over there. I don’t visit home often. I’ve been too busy.” 

“Are you sure it wasn’t just because you’re a coward?” 

“Ouch, Taeyong.” Johnny rubbed at his chest as if Taeyong’s words physically hurt him. 

Taeyong shrugged, raising one eyebrow at him, challenging him to deny it.  

“I’ve checked your socials every now and then to make the lie real. There’s not much you could say that would make them think we haven’t been together. They still think you are a vegetarian. I told them you had a job at a coffee shop and that you’ve been really busy with your art so you haven’t had time to come up with me for a visit.” 

Taeyong was quiet while he was trying to process everything Johnny was saying. It was a little too close to home, a little too real. He could picture it all like it was real, like he and Johnny had rekindled their friendship when he got back from Chicago and one thing led to another and they got together for real in the last year. Taeyong had to close his eyes tightly to try to shake off the images his brain was conjuring up.  

Taeyong opened his eyes and looked at Johnny only to see that it appeared as if Johnny was trying his best not to look at Taeyong.  

“So, when did we get together?” 

This made Johnny laugh an awkward type of chuckle, but it was enough to break the tension just a little bit. 

“Around the start of the semester. My family just assumed that’s what happened and I never told them otherwise.” 

Taeyong nodded, taking a sip of his drink and swallowing away the lump in his throat. “Did you give them any details about ‘ our relationship ’ or me since then?” 

“Not really. Just when I went to see them, they would ask about you and ask why you weren’t there and I would give them basic excuses like, ‘he’s busy with his school or his art or his job. He’s doing well. He misses everyone.’ That’s it,” he said. “It was easy to get you out of situations and still make it seem like we were dating. The lying was easy.”  

Taeyong nodded again. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. He wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to ask. He had stayed up late working on everything he wanted to say to Johnny and now that he was here in front of him it seemed useless. Maybe his best course of action here would be to go with him to the wedding, act like the perfect loving boyfriend, and close the chapter on his friendship with Johnny in the right way instead of the way they had actually ended things. Johnny could tell his family that they broke up after the wedding and then Taeyong would be able to move on with his life and put the past where it belongs, in the past.  

“And they never questioned the lack of me on your social media? Never asked to see loving couple photos?”

“It’s not like my parents have any social media of their own. Surprisingly Jess never asked about it even though she follows me on all of my socials. But I hardly post anything anymore anyway. And I usually made some excuse about not being able to show couple photos and they bought it. Sometimes I would show a picture you posted on Instagram and tell them I took it.”

Taeyong nodded slowly. Basically, Johnny lied when he had to, twisted the truth sometimes, and spent most of the time deceiving everyone by avoiding the subject altogether. What was even the point of continuing to fake the relationship anyway when it sounded like Johnny wasn’t benefitting from it anymore?

“Look, it’s one long weekend. You can pretend to be my boyfriend, play nice with my family, go to the wedding, and then we can go our separate ways and never talk about this again.” 

Taeyong was ready for the conversation to be over. “Okay, sounds good to me.”

 

The next week was full of conversations with Johnny. Working out details about the wedding, getting to his family’s place, what they would be doing during their time there, and other important things that Taeyong needed to know about. Johnny told him all about what his family had been up to in the last two years, about Jess and her fiancé's relationship, and about the other people in Johnny’s life who would be there. Taeyong couldn’t lie, he was sort of excited about seeing Johnny’s family again. He used to dote on Donghyuck, Johnny’s favorite cousin and he was excited about being able to see how much Donghyuck had grown up. That’s something people forget about when friends ‘break up.’ Not only do you lose them, but you lose their family too.

‘I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 9 am and we will drive to my parents. Does that sound okay?’

Taeyong looked at his phone and sighed.

‘That’s so early. Why?’

‘They want us there with enough time to relax before dinner.’

‘K.’

Taeyong sat down on his bed, staring down at his suitcase. He’d be able to do this, right? He’d be able to go with Johnny, pretend to be his boyfriend, and his heart wouldn’t be affected by this right? He hadn’t been able to do anything other than think about it since he had first talked to Johnny about going with him and playing along with his web of lies. He wasn’t sure what this next week would be like, but he was hoping it would be over in a flash without anyone getting their heart broken. Again.

 

November of University Freshman Year

Taeyong was going through the motions. Wash, rinse, repeat. Every morning he would wake up before his roommate, go to class, go to work, do his homework, and sleep. In between there was time for eating meals and stressing out over assignments, but there was never any time for making friends or thinking about his lack thereof. Or at least he wouldn’t let himself. He was trying to make it through his freshman year without any extra stress. Plus thinking about what happened with Johnny was just too much. He wasn’t ready to face it head-on and move on. Not yet. For the first couple of months, after Johnny was officially gone, Taeyong kept thinking that it was all just a dream and he would wake up with Johnny in the bed across from his, sleeping sound like the fight never happened and Johnny chose to stay with Taeyong.

But every morning he woke up to his new roommate. Someone he barely knew. About halfway through the first semester one of his art professors announced a contest that Taeyong was so sure he could win. It was in his favorite medium, after all, charcoal. He worked really hard on his submission. It was the first time since he had started university that he really felt inspired and excited about doing any kind of art. Surprisingly his hard work paid off and he ended up winning the contest. He ran back to his dorm after finding out, scrambling to throw down his backpack and dig his phone out of his jeans. He dialed up the number with shaking fingers, giggling, and feeling the adrenaline coursing through his veins. It rang out once before Taeyong realized what he was doing. He dropped the phone like it was on fire and quickly pressed the end call button before stepping away from his bed. He stared down at his phone in disbelief. How could his brain betray him like this? He hoped, desperately, that Johnny had changed his phone number and that the call wouldn’t have gone through after only ringing out once in the off chance that he hadn’t. He couldn’t believe his brain had forgotten that he wasn’t talking to Johnny anymore. That he completely forgot he couldn’t share exciting news like this with him anymore. He felt weak in the knees and let himself drop to the floor, leaning forward to rest his arms and head on his bed. He wasn’t sure how long he had been crying before he heard the telltale sign of the dorm room door opening, followed by the shuffling of Doyoung coming into the room.

“Whoa, hey are you okay?”

Doyoung immediately walked over to Taeyong and knelt next to him on the floor. He reached out and rubbed a hand up and down Taeyong’s back. It was weird for only a second before it felt comforting beyond belief. They barely knew one another, despite living together for a few months at this point. Taeyong knew it was his own fault for being so closed off. Doyoung had tried to talk to Taeyong several times, inviting him to come out with his friends more than once, and every single time Taeyong would just politely decline. After a while, Doyoung just stopped trying. He was still nice and a really decent roommate, but nothing happened regarding a friendship between them. So, this comforting touch on his back, soothing words, and patience while Taeyong found the strength to stop crying was a little out of left field, but not entirely unexpected. In fact, it was exactly what Taeyong needed to shake himself out of it.

“I don’t know what’s got you crying like this, but whatever or whoever it is, is not worth a single one of your tears. Take your time, Taeyong, but remember life goes on.”

 

July, days before the wedding

He didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to walk over to the car, get inside of it, and sit next to Johnny for hours. Taeyong could see the smug look in Johnny’s eyes from where he was standing and he felt his heart clench in his chest. Johnny was not good for his health, that much was clear.

Taeyong took a deep breath and rolled his neck. Pushing his shoulders back and holding his head up high, he walked towards the car. It was now or never and it was a little too late to back out. He expected that the second he got into the car Johnny would have something to say. Taeyong had made Johnny wait for a solid ten minutes before he found the courage to step outside, after all. However, he was pleasantly surprised to be met with a simple ‘good morning,’ when he opened the door. Taeyong narrowed his eyes, already suspicious as if Johnny was up to something. He decided to let it go for now. Mostly because he didn’t want to be the prickly one without reason.

“I got you a coffee,” Johnny said, gesturing down to the cup holder in between them. “We have a long drive ahead of us before we get to my family’s house. Figured you would want the caffeine if you aren’t planning on going back to sleep.”

“How could I sleep with you next to me? Got to keep my eyes on you. Make sure you don’t have any nefarious plans cooked up in your head.” Taeyong gripped the seat next to his leg. He had no idea where the sudden confidence had come from. He had no idea why he had even said that. There must’ve been something so comforting about being around Johnny that his brain went on autopilot and his mouth moved with the muscle memory of a Taeyong from another time.

Johnny chuckled. “All I heard from that was that you were going to keep your eyes on me. You must enjoy what you see.”

He laughed sardonically. “Not surprised you only got a third of what I just said.”

“You aren’t denying it.”

Taeyong looked over at him and noticed he was smirking. He wouldn’t play into it. He knew Johnny was just trying to rile him up and he wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

“Thank you for the coffee.”

“You’re welcome.” Johnny cleared his throat and handed the aux cord over to Taeyong. “You can play whatever you want.”

He took the cord from him silently and plugged in his phone.

They sat in silence, just listening to music for a while. Taeyong slowly sipped on his coffee and watched the cars and the scenery outside pass him by as they headed toward their destination. Neo City University was located about four hours away from where they grew up. With traffic it would probably take them around five hours to get there, not including the time it would take to stop and eat for lunch.

It was unnerving to be in the same car as Johnny, to say the least. It stirred up something strange in the pit of his stomach to be spending this much alone time sitting this close to Johnny, so close he could reach over and touch him. He tried his best not to look at Johnny for an extended period of time because he didn’t want Johnny to catch him and use it against him. It was incredibly hard though, because all Taeyong could see out of the corner of his eye was how much Johnny had changed and grown since high school. He wanted to study him and catalog every change, storing it away for later so he wasn’t surprised when he noticed something new. He wondered whether his arms would fit around Johnny’s waist like they used to or whether he would feel smaller in his grasp now that he had muscles and definition he never had before. Taeyong had to stop himself and that thought right in its tracks before it could grow wings and fly off in a direction that he wasn’t ready to go in yet.

Taeyong decided maybe it would be best if he took a short nap so he could shut down his brain and his wild thoughts.

“Wake me when you want to stop for lunch,” he said, softly.

Johnny glanced over at Taeyong and raised his eyebrow. “You aren’t worried about my- how did you put it, ‘nefarious intentions’ anymore?”

Taeyong shrugged. “I’m too tired to care.”

 

December of High School Senior Year

‘Wake up, get dressed, and get your ass outside.’

Taeyong blinked at his phone and took a second to process the text that had just come in. In his confusion, he got up and walked over to this window, pulling back the curtain so he could look at the front of his house. Johnny was waiting in a car outside, smiling and waving up at Taeyong, or at least in the direction of his window. Taeyong chuckled and responded to his text, telling him to give him a few minutes. He bounded outside less than a minute later and pulled open the door to the passenger side.

“Did you steal this car?”

Johnny laughed and shook his head. “Of course, not! It’s my cousin’s. He let me borrow it for the afternoon.”

“For why?” Taeyong asked as he got settled into this seat. He pulled the seatbelt over his chest and Johnny pulled away from the house as soon as the belt was clicked into place.

“I want to take you somewhere,” Johnny said with a smile. He handed the aux cord to Taeyong and told him he was free to play anything he wanted to listen to. Taeyong had questions of course but as usual, he trusted Johnny without reservations so he decided to sit back and enjoy the surprise.

Despite the sharp bite of the cold wind outside, it was a beautiful Saturday. The sun was shining bright in the sky and the wind was cold but it wasn’t blowing as hard as it could have been. Johnny had the car’s heater on too high for Taeyong’s taste. To rebel against the driver, Taeyong rolled down the window for a fresh gust of cold air. Johnny, pointedly ignoring the cold wind with the heater still going, was singing along wholeheartedly to the song that was blasting through the speakers and tapping his fingers along the wheel to the beat.

Taeyong looked over at the beautiful boy next to him and smiled as the cold wind pushed his hair back and kissed his cheeks. He was jealous of Mother Nature’s boldness and wished he had the confidence to do the same.

“Uh the window,” Johnny pointed out as he brought his right hand away and adjusted the volume to turn up the music a little bit more. Taeyong chuckled and rolled the window back up, reminding Johnny that he needed to keep the temperature at something other than scalding when Taeyong was in the car with him. After adjusting the heater to something ‘the princess’ would like, Johnny dropped his hand on the console in between the two front seats. Taeyong was still blushing at the nickname, hooping that Johnny would think the flush had to do with the heat. He found himself wishing that Johnny would just take Taeyong’s hand in his, intertwine their fingers, and hold on like he was afraid Taeyong would just slip away as soon as the car door opened.

Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to have Johnny wrap his arms around Taeyong and hold him close like he was something precious. And in the moments that Johnny did actually reach out for him and hug him, sometimes Taeyong wished it meant something a little more. He couldn’t help but think that maybe they were meant to be, that maybe Johnny was made for Taeyong and maybe Taeyong was made for Johnny. Of course, he refused to risk their friendship to find out if those thoughts were right or not. He wouldn’t push what they had any further than it already was. He thought if it was meant to be it would be. Taeyong wanted what they had to form naturally if it was supposed to go in that direction.

“We’re almost there,” Johnny said.

Taeyong looked forward and noticed that Johnny had driven them to the nearest beach. He spluttered with excitement and practically bolted out of the car. Johnny laughed as he tried to catch up with Taeyong. Taeyong led them to the end of the closest pier. There was something about the beach and how it instantly made him feel relaxed. No matter the weather’s temperature.

“You timed this out beautifully,” Taeyong said, marveling at the perfect sunset that they were watching.

“I tried. I thought it would be nice to get away from all of the senior year stress and just breathe in the scent of the ocean for a while.”

“You thought right. I just wish my acceptance letters would come in already,” Taeyong sighed.

Johnny chuckled.

“What?” Taeyong looked over at Johnny.

Johnny waved his right hand quickly. “Nothing. It's just you used to say rejection letters,” he explained. Johnny reached over and wrapped his arm around Taeyong to pull him close. “Character development.”

Taeyong felt a blush creep onto his cheeks. All of a sudden under Johnny’s soft gaze Taeyong felt shy. Instead of pulling away, he nuzzled further into Johnny’s chest. He was going to enjoy this moment while it was happening so when it slipped away from him, he’d remember it fondly with no regrets.

“Your CSAT score was great Yong. You’re going to get into every university you applied to and then in the fall we’ll be kicking ass,” Johnny said.

Taeyong was grateful for his best friend. He knew it was inherently his job to believe in Taeyong with his whole chest, but it never felt forced. He genuinely felt that Johnny believed in him one hundred percent and he wasn’t just trying to make him feel better just because that’s what a best friend is supposed to do.

“I honestly can’t wait,” Taeyong said, biting his lip. He could feel his smile growing as he thought about what the next four years held with Johnny by his side. They would be unstoppable.

 

July, days before the wedding

“Yeah, Hyuck. We’re excited. Yong wouldn’t stop talking about how good it was going to be to see you and everyone else,” Johnny said.

Taeyong wasn’t trying to listen to what seemed like a private conversation, but he couldn’t help it. He had woken up a few minutes ago and he immediately decided to pretend like he was still asleep to avoid any kind of conversation with Johnny. But then Johnny’s phone rang and it was too hard to sleep when Johnny was talking next to him. He wanted to know what Johnny was saying about him when he thought Taeyong was sleeping.

“He’s asleep. We’re heading to lunch and then to my mom and dad’s.”

He felt relieved that Johnny really did think he was still sleeping.

“Honestly, he looks like an angel right now. So peaceful and soft. Kind of reminds me of how he fell asleep in my car after our first date. It probably wasn’t a smart idea to take him on a date after he had worked all day.”

Taeyong fought the urge to gasp at those words. He bit his lip. Taeyong tried to maintain his breathing so Johnny wouldn’t become suspicious. Something swirled to life in his stomach, a feeling that Taeyong didn’t like. The way Johnny could just lie like it meant nothing to him and say such nice things about Taeyong like he had been doing it for years just hurt. It cut him deeply.

“Yeah, I’ll tell him you said so. We’ll see you tomorrow Hyuck. It’s almost time for me to stop and wake Taeyong up so I’ll talk to you later.”

After saying goodbye, Johnny ended the call. Taeyong shifted in his seat and pretended to wake up.

“Good timing. I was going to wake you up in about five minutes or so,” Johnny said as he noticed Taeyong’s eyes were open.

Taeyong just nodded.

“I was thinking we could have lunch at this diner that’s coming up. It’s about an hour outside of my parent's place. So, we can eat and then head there to settle in before dinner.”

Taeyong’s eyes followed the cars that passed by on the street next to their car. Johnny took Taeyong’s silence as an acceptance of the plan. He didn’t push him any further and Taeyong wondered if Johnny could pick up on his feelings like how he used to be able to.

***

They made it to the diner and Johnny noticed that Taeyong seemed to have a pinched look on his face. He tried to talk to Taeyong, but nothing he tried to talk about would stick. Taeyong would respond with short answers and with a slight bite to his words. Johnny didn’t want lunch to be awkward but he didn’t want to keep trying to talk to someone who was clearly not having it. Johnny felt strange. It was like a mixture of guilt about making Taeyong do what Johnny needed and worry about having to tell his family the truth. He didn’t want Taeyong to decide he didn’t give a shit about what happened to Johnny after the truth came out. Taeyong did decide to go with Johnny and keep up the lie which showed him that he still cares at least to a certain extent, but one wrong move on Johnny’s part and Taeyong was either going to go running for the hills or spill the beans. He really doesn’t think Taeyong is the type to ruin someone’s wedding or ruin Johnny’s relationship with his family because he’s feeling petty, but he doesn’t want to make Taeyong feel like he wants to.

They walked into the diner and found a booth to sit at. Eventually after hiding behind their menus to avoid the awkwardness that sat directly between them, they ordered food and had no choice but to have some sort of conversation with each other.

***

Taeyong sat there as Johnny started telling him about the wedding and what they would get up to in the next few days. Taeyong didn’t have much to say and he knew he was being snippy, but it was like there was something squeezing his heart and whispering the words to say into his ear and he couldn’t hold himself back. There was so much anger in him still, anger that he needed to let out and he didn’t know how to without taking it all out on Johnny.

“I know my family is really excited to see you.”

“Yeah, I bet after all that lying it’ll be a nice change of pace,” Taeyong muttered, taking a bite of his food.

Johnny cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Ha, yeah I guess so.”

After another little bit of mediocre food and biting words, Johnny got up to go pay the bill. Taeyong grabbed his phone and walked out of the restaurant. It was like all of the air was sucked out of the room and he couldn’t breathe anymore. He felt a pressure on his chest and knew he wouldn’t be able to swallow down the lump in his throat this time. He leaned against the car and let out a few angry tears before he forced himself to calm down. He breathed in and out, telling himself that he was too far to quit now. He would get the closure that he wanted so badly and then he would go back to pretending like Johnny didn’t exist.

Johnny made his way over to the car just as Taeyong convinced himself to stop crying and pull himself together. He got behind the wheel and nervously picked at his nails. He was probably worried about how Taeyong would act when they got to Johnny’s parents' house. After another hour of driving, they finally pulled up to the house. Taeyong was shifting to grab his bag from his feet and get out of the car when Johnny reached over and placed his hand on Taeyong’s shoulder.

“I don’t know what came over you at lunch, but we cannot have a repeat of what happened because my parents won't believe the lie.”

Taeyong rolled his eyes and opened the car door, letting it slam shut behind him. Johnny got out seconds later, following closely behind Taeyong.

“Don’t worry John. I’ll be well-behaved,” he said sarcastically.

Taeyong wasn’t going to let Johnny’s words get to him. He wasn’t going to ruin this wedding or put Johnny in a weird spot with his family just because he was still mad at him. He wasn’t an eye for an eye kind of person. They could hash it out with one another later.

Johnny’s mom pulled the door open before they had the chance to turn the knob themselves. She smiled so big, eyes crinkling, and pushed her son out of the way to get to Taeyong. She pulled him into a hug so quickly that Taeyong didn’t have a chance to react to seeing her again for the first time in years.

“Oh, my goodness. I can’t tell you how good it is to see you again Taeyong,” she breathed out softly, her voice full of emotion making Taeyong feel like he was going to cry. He wrapped his arms around her and genuinely hugged her back. He was truly happy to see her.

Mama Suh pulled back and placed a light palm against Taeyong’s cheek, looking at him. “You’ve grown up so well Taeyong.”

Taeyong just smiled and nodded at her. He knew if he opened his mouth, he might just start sobbing. Johnny started pouting, demanding he get a hug from his mother too.

Taeyong was grateful for Johnny’s timing. He needed space to breathe. They walked into the house and after talking with Johnny’s parents for a while, the two boys went upstairs to relax before dinner.

Taeyong stepped into Johnny’s room and felt like he had taken a time machine back to the past. It was exactly how he remembered it. He let out a chuckle as he walked around and noticed his presence hadn’t been removed like maybe he thought it would have been. There was still the picture of them with their arms around each other, blinding smiles stretched from ear to ear from the day Johnny’s volleyball team won the championship game. There was the black hoodie with the hole in the elbow that Taeyong would always steal when Johnny kept his room at ice-cold temperatures. There was even the sketch that Taeyong had drawn of Johnny’s dog pinned to the wall next to his bed.

He looked over his shoulder and noticed that Johnny hadn’t followed him into the room. He was leaning against the doorway, hands in his pockets, just watching Taeyong make his way around the room. He smiled softly at Taeyong when they made eye contact.

“Would you like to rest alone for a while? I think I am going to go for a run,” Johnny said, effectively breaking the silence.

Taeyong nodded. He was too overwhelmed and tired to care about where he was, about where he would be laying his head down. And despite it all, he knew that he’d find some weird kind of comfort in Johnny’s bed. He slipped under the covers on Johnny’s bed and let himself fall into a dreamless sleep.

 

Thankfully dinner was quick and painless. Taeyong wasn’t forced to sit there for as long as he was expecting. Johnny’s family was being nice, as to be expected, but Taeyong was starting to feel overwhelmed once again. It was one thing after another, the drive to the family’s house, having to see everyone again after all the time that had passed, and then spending time with them. Okay so maybe Taeyong was feeling more than a little overwhelmed. Maybe he was ready to explode. He could feel it like it was something he could touch, tangible enough that he knew just one little push of his buttons would be enough to make it all come flying out of him. It was waves of anger and frustration ebbing and flowing and if Johnny or his family wasn’t careful enough, he might drown in it.

When the dinner ended, Taeyong had made some excuse to get out of sitting around with everyone and went to clean up. He wanted to spend some time in the shower, letting the hot water hit his back and wash off some of the anger he was feeling, but after 20 minutes he was starting to feel like he was suffocating. When he got back to the room, Johnny still hadn’t come up and oddly, he felt weird staying in Johnny’s bedroom without him there so he wandered downstairs to find him. He heard the laughter and the conversation before he walked into the room, so obviously he tried to head back up to the room, but that only backfired. Jess came out of the hallway bathroom and spotted Taeyong. He sighed.

“There you are!”

“Here I am,” he muttered.

“Are you going to join us in the living room? I think there is room next to Johnny on the loveseat. Ha! Loveseat for the lovebirds. Perfect, huh?” Jess started pushing Taeyong along with her instead of waiting for his actual response to her question.

“Look who I found wandering around in the hallway.”

As soon as they stepped into the living room, the faces of Johnny’s family lit up and they all welcomed him. Taeyong was trying not to meet Johnny’s eyes, but that proved to be difficult as he was being nudged toward him.

“You can sit here,” Johnny gestured to the spot next to him.

Taeyong took the seat with hesitation. He sat with his butt barely on the seat, trying his best to not touch thighs with Johnny. Johnny’s mom was smiling at him, possibly waiting for him to say something, but Taeyong would have had to have been paid generously to start the conversation and bring unwanted attention to himself.

“You know, Taeyong it is really good to see your face after all of this time. We missed you around here. Johnny has kept us up to date on your life, but it would be nice to hear from your own mouth about how you’ve been,” Johnny’s mom was looking at him with an expecting smile on her face and Taeyong tried to smile back.

“I’ve been okay, Mrs. Suh. I’ve been working really hard on my degree.”

Taeyong straightened his back at the light touch of Johnny’s palm. “Yeah, Mom you should’ve seen his part in this exhibit during winter break. One of his paintings made me cry.”

Taeyong could feel his heart start to beat a little faster. “Which one are you talking about?” He turned around to make eye contact with Johnny.

“It was the one that had the wilted sunflower in the middle,” Johnny said softly.

Taeyong gulped. How did Johnny know about that? Did he go to his winter exhibit? So many questions popped into his head, but he knew he couldn’t ask any of them in front of Johnny’s family. He needed to act like Johnny had been there opening night with him, that Johnny had been at every event Taeyong had participated in since he had come back to Seoul. He needed to act like Johnny hadn’t missed anything. He needed to act like he wasn’t the inspiration behind the portrait. He needed to act like he hadn’t cried as he painted it. He nodded and looked away from Johnny’s deep brown eyes.

“Yeah, I remember you telling me about how Doyoung and Jaehyun made fun of you for crying.”

Johnny laughed. His mom was smiling at them. “I wish we could have seen your art Taeyong. What are you working on now?”

Taeyong and the Suh’s talked for a while. He told them how he had already started to work on his huge art project for the senior year solo show. Every time Taeyong would bring something up that happened in the last couple of years since he had last seen the Suh’s, Johnny would chime in with some comment and it was starting to get to Taeyong. It was so easy for Johnny to lie his ass off about everything and with every lie that came out of his mouth the more Taeyong was starting to feel annoyed, the more he could feel the anger steadily growing inside of him.

“He had this faded pink hair for a while that made me want cotton candy every day. You should’ve seen the look on my face when he dyed it back to dark brown. I thought he looked so pretty, but I was sad I wasn’t going to be reminded of cotton candy every day anymore.”

It was this comment, followed by the twinkling laughter of Jess that finally pushed Taeyong over the edge. He abruptly stood up. Jess looked over at him. He tried to smile through the pain he was feeling, but he was sure he looked a little crazy. He wanted to say something, but he was positive that if he opened his mouth to say anything he might just have a breakdown in the middle of their living room.

Taeyong walked out of the room without looking back at any of the people he was leaving behind. He could hear Johnny laugh awkwardly and say, “I’m sure he’s a little overwhelmed with seeing everyone again. He probably just wants to go to bed.” Hopefully, that would be enough for the Suh’s to understand why he left the room the way he did.

He wasn’t sure where he was going to go or what he was going to do with all of this anger. He had to share a room with Johnny for fuck’s sake. He thought about going outside, but he didn’t want to walk past the family to get to the front door when Johnny made it seem like he was going to go to sleep. Taeyong hoped Johnny would spend more time with his family so that he could have the room to himself to scream into a pillow for a while.

He closed the door to the room behind him, leaning back against it, and sighed out some of the frustration he felt. Taeyong walked over to sit down on the bed, putting his head into the palm of his hands. He could feel the tears prick his eyes. He didn’t want to cry about this, he didn’t want this to get to him. He agreed to come with Johnny to close the chapter, to end their friendship in a better way than they had before, to be there for Jess’s big day, but this was too much, wasn’t it? This was too much for his heart to take, this was too much for Johnny to ask of him. Maybe he was blinded by the feelings that came out of nowhere the second he saw Johnny at the café for the first talk. The feelings that had supposedly never left. Sticking around for years just to betray him.

The door creaked open and Taeyong didn’t need to look up to know that it was Johnny who had entered the room.

“What is wrong with you? You were kind of rude when you left the living room.”

Taeyong’s head snapped up to give Johnny a surprised look. He furrowed his brow at the look on Johnny’s face. As if he had any right to be angry at Taeyong.

“Excuse me?”

“You could have waited until my family wanted to go to bed before leaving. Isn’t that just consideration for the family that is hosting you?”

Taeyong got to his feet in a huff. “Consideration? What do you know about consideration?”

Johnny dropped his mouth in surprise. He probably didn’t think Taeyong would bite back, but Taeyong was tired of being the person that people walked all over. He felt like ripping Johnny a new one, so he kept going without holding himself back.

“You asked me to come here. I am doing a favor for you because you fucked up. And now you want me to act like this perfect little angel for you? You’re a real piece of work.”

Johnny stepped closer to him, pushing the finger that Taeyong had pointed at him out of the way. “What the fuck is your problem? You agreed to come here. The old Taeyong wouldn’t have left the room the way you did.”

“The old Taeyong,” he laughed. “That’s good Johnny. That’s the funniest thing you’ve said all day.”

“Look, I know this isn’t easy for you, but I thought maybe it would be okay when you got here. That maybe we could pretend for the weekend and then you wouldn’t have to see me again,” Johnny replied. “But you don’t have to act like this.” He gestured to Taeyong. “I am trying here. Maybe I’m not trying in the way you want me to, but I am trying.”

Taeyong turned around and walked over to the window. He tried breathing in and out to control how he was feeling. He watched as the wind whipped the trees outside, the leaves fluttering in sync with his heart.

After a moment of shared silence, Taeyong spoke, “You sat there all night, laughing and lying. I don’t even know if you asked for information about my life or if you are just convincing enough to make your family believe you.”

“Taeyong, not everything I said tonight was a lie,” Johnny said softly. “Your painting did make me cry. Your pink hair did remind me of cotton candy. That was real.”

Taeyong turned around. “How would you even know about those things?”

“We might not have seen each other since the meeting at the library, but I’ve been hyperaware of your existence. I checked your social media from time to time and went to events you were a part of when I knew you wouldn’t be there,” he replied. “I didn’t think you would want to run into me. I didn’t think you would want me to be there for you.”

“Why would you even go to my events?” Taeyong asked, crossing his arms across his chest with a huff.

“I still care about you. I still want to see you succeed,” Johnny responded. This time it was laced with a bitter tone.

“Don’t pretend like you care about me. You didn’t even tell me you were back. You were there, but I had no idea until a year ago. Do you know how shitty that made me feel? Like our friendship before you left meant nothing to you. You left me and then came right back, but I wasn’t important enough for you to fight for.”

“I couldn’t tell you I was back. To face you after that fight and tell you that you were right? There was no way I was going to do that. I wanted to find you, to fix things, to get back to how it used to be, but I didn’t know how. You’re right, I was a coward, but how was I supposed to seek you out and tell you that I had failed after everything that happened between us?”

Taeyong sighed. He understood where Johnny was coming from, but he continued to focus on the anger instead.
“You still could’ve come to me, Johnny!” Taeyong raised his voice. “Do you really think that after everything that we’ve been through I wouldn’t have just forgiven you? That I wouldn’t have just let it all go, given you a hug, told you everything would be okay, and that you would be able to pick yourself up and move on?”

“I thought you hated me when I left. You blocked me on all of your social media accounts. I tried to call you and you blocked my number. My impression was that you were done with me. So, do you still think coming back six months later I thought either one of us would be ready to have this conversation and just move on from it like it never happened? You didn’t even see me off when I left.”

“Hold on,” he scoffed, laughing slightly out of disbelief at what he was hearing. He reached up to place his hand on his chest and continued, “I was there. I watched you leave. Trust me, I wanted to say something to you before you left. I just couldn’t say goodbye. I couldn’t pretend like I wasn’t heartbroken.”

Johnny’s eyebrows pinched together. He opened his mouth as if he was about to respond when a sharp rap at the door cut him off. Johnny exhaled in frustration and walked over to see who it was. It was his mom on the other side of the door with a soft smile on her face. Taeyong immediately hoped that despite how loud he had gotten none of his family had heard the fight.

“Just wanted to remind you two to set an alarm. We have a lot to do tomorrow.”

“Of course. We’re ready to decorate and help as much as we can,” Johnny said.

Mrs. Suh looked over Johnny’s shoulder and smiled at Taeyong. Taeyong nodded at her and she said goodnight.
The door shut with a soft click. Johnny kept his back to Taeyong for a minute or so before walking wordlessly over to the bathroom. The bathroom door closing helped push Taeyong into action. As soon as he was in bed, he pulled the covers over his head and buried his face into the pillow. Taeyong tried to will away all of the negative feelings that were swirling around in his head and pushing down on his chest. He hoped sleep would come quickly since he didn’t want nor did he know how to face Johnny after that fight. They got so much off of their chests and still, he knew it wasn’t enough. They would have to continue this fight later but it was enough for the night. After what was one of the longest, most emotional days of his life, Taeyong was ready to just go to sleep.

 

Sometime in the morning, the alarm went off and Taeyong opened his eyes, trying to blink away the bleariness. He cleared his throat before asking Johnny to turn it off. Johnny groaned and said in a deep, scratchy with too much sleep voice, that he would. Taeyong realized that the voice wasn’t next to him. He rolled over and propped himself up on his elbow to glance over the side of the bed. And there was Johnny. On the floor, lying down on a blanket with another across his waist. He had one arm over his face as if he was trying to block the sun from getting into his eyes. Taeyong couldn’t help but notice that Johnny wasn’t wearing a shirt. Johnny’s body had certainly changed over the last two years. He had always been a fan of going to the gym and staying in shape, especially since he used to be a volleyball player. Taeyong didn’t want to stare, in fact, he thought it was a little creepy but damn if Johnny didn’t somehow become ten times more handsome than he had been before. He was still every bit Taeyong’s type. All of a sudden feeling frustrated, Taeyong laid back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t want to be attracted to him. It just made things more confusing. He thought he was over him completely but he knew out of sight out of mind wasn’t a saying for no reason. When he didn’t see Johnny for two years, he wasn’t reminded how much he wanted him in every sense of the word. And now that he was seeing him before he fell asleep and the first thing in the morning it all came back to him like he was right back in high school pretending like he didn’t have a massive soul-crushing infatuation towards his best friend. But now straddling the line between hating him and loving him was just making it all so complex. He sighed, letting out the sound with a trill of his lips, and kicked the blanket. There were too many feelings in his chest and all he wanted to do was find a canvas to take it all out on.

“Taeyong I can practically hear you thinking down here. Can you turn off your brain for a minute?”

Taeyong was about to apologize when the boys heard shuffling outside of the door. Johnny abruptly stood up with the blankets in his arms and motioned to Taeyong to scoot over. Johnny jumped into the bed and threw the blankets over their feet. Taeyong hoped that to whoever was about to open the door that they looked like a couple that had just woken up in each other’s arms.

Just as he was settled the door creaked open. This time it was Johnny’s dad who interrupted.

“Sorry to bother, but breakfast will be ready in ten minutes.” He smiled at them and closed the door behind him as he left.

As soon as the door was shut Johnny got out of the bed like it was on fire. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I’m just going to get ready now.” Johnny grabbed some clothes and left the room.

Taeyong sighed. It was weird to have a shirtless Johnny in the same bed as him. It made his heart race and he didn’t like it. He didn’t know how his heart would react if they had to really act like a couple. He winced at the thought of kissing Johnny. There was no way his first kiss with Johnny would be when it was fake. That would just hurt beyond belief. He hoped that they wouldn’t have to prove that they were in love with signs of physical affection. He needed to find a way to spend as little time with Johnny as possible. As Taeyong got ready for the day, he realized he was still mad about their argument from the night before. Taeyong knew that they had a lot to talk about, that there was a lot left unsaid, and apologies that needed to be made, but they would have to find the time to do it later. It wouldn’t be a good idea to do it right before breakfast and honestly, Taeyong was feeling stubborn enough that he definitely didn’t want to be the first one to bring it back up. He would play nice, maintain his distance, and hope that Johnny would be the first to break.

 

They quickly scarfed down breakfast before working on crossing everything off of their checklist for the day. Johnny’s mom had plenty to keep them busy for a while. She wanted them to set up the barn for the wedding, which meant laying down tablecloths, placing name cards on tables, stringing up the lights and making sure the bulbs were working, and much more. Taeyong was excited about having a hand in Jess’s day, but he was also looking forward to being able to take his mind off of all of the things plaguing it. He knew it wasn’t like he could just forget about Johnny or their fight since he would be working side-by-side with the man all day, but he figured they would have to act like the perfect couple since they would also be working with family.

A while after breakfast Taeyong found himself on a ladder trying to screw in a light bulb. He was clearly struggling and he knew he should ask for help, but he was feeling prideful. He wanted to do it by himself without having to ask anyone, especially Johnny to do it for him. Taeyong was merely two inches away from being able to screw in the lightbulb. He grunted as he moved to his tiptoes to try to get as close as possible. This was the worst idea he could have considering he was on a ladder and if he lost his balance he would definitely fall. “So close,” he muttered. The lightbulb was about where he wanted it to be but to actually screw it in he would need to get a little bit closer. Taeyong was only a few rungs away from the top, but taking one step higher would have been too high. He tried to twist the bulb and stretch as much as he could when he felt a strong arm wrap around his middle helping to lift him up the last inch. He finished screwing in the light bulb.

“You know you could have just asked me to do it.”

Taeyong leaned forward and grabbed the ladder rung in front of him. “I wanted to do it by myself if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course it is. There’s no harm in asking for help if you need it though.”

Taeyong slapped Johnny’s arm indicating to him that he wanted him to let go. Johnny took the cue, removing his arm slowly all the while running his hand across Taeyong’s stomach. This action made him shiver and tense up all at the same time.

Taeyong looked over his shoulder at Johnny and raised his eyebrow at the look on his face.

“My mom’s watching. Can I pick you up and set you down from the ladder?”

Taeyong sighed in exasperation, blowing air up from his mouth and ruffling his hair.

“Is that necessary?”

Johnny shrugged. “I think my mom would find it cute.”

“Fine,” Taeyong said begrudgingly.

Johnny grabbed Taeyong’s waist firmly and lifted him as if he were as light as a feather. Taeyong was only a few feet off the ground so it was easy for Johnny to pick him up, turn him around, and set him back on the ground softly. Taeyong, wanting to play the role perfectly, reached up and placed his arms around Johnny’s neck. He smiled up at him and through gritted teeth he said, “Try your best to be the kind of boyfriend that isn’t touchy.”

Johnny rolled his eyes.

He gave a subtle push to Taeyong’s hips and Taeyong let go of Johnny’s neck, stepping to the side to create some much-needed space between the two of them. Being that close to Johnny did things to Taeyong that he didn’t like.

 

“Penis-shaped cookies? Really?” Johnny scoffed.

“That’s kind of a staple for bachelorette parties,” Taeyong replied, gathering all of the ingredients that the recipe called for and placing them on the counter. They had spent the rest of the afternoon working on various tasks to get the barn ready before getting roped into baking cookies in the kitchen. Jess had decided that she didn’t want an all-out bachelorette party and it worked out that all of her bridesmaids were able to have a lowkey night at the parents' house scheduled for later that night. Apparently, there wasn’t anyone to bake the cookies that Jess had requested and Johnny and Taeyong seemed ‘bored enough.’

“Doesn’t mean it needs to be done. It’s tacky.”

Taeyong rolled his eyes. “You’re no fun.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow at Taeyong. “Pot meet kettle.”

“Excuse you. I’m plenty fun,” Taeyong bit back. He grabbed bowls and measuring cups and started pouring the ingredients.

Taeyong was already annoyed that he had to spend time baking with Johnny in the kitchen as if he hadn’t already spent the first half of the day with him, and Johnny was just making it worse.

Johnny didn’t respond to Taeyong. He probably wised up and realized that Taeyong was already annoyed and he knew better than to push his buttons. The quick-to-anger character trait of Taeyong’s hadn’t changed after all of these years. Taeyong grabbed the flour, baking soda, and baking powder and poured the correct amounts into the bowl. He was about to move on to the next step of the recipe when he heard a clatter against the marble countertop. Fearing the worst, he slowly turned around, and much to his chagrin he saw Johnny wincing over the spilled bowl of ingredients Taeyong had just stirred. The white powder was everywhere, spread out all over the counter, slowly drifting to the floor looking for something to cling to.

“Really? I look away for one second and you’re sabotaging my work?” Taeyong huffed.

Johnny raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “It was an accident I swear! I was just reaching for the jar of sugar and I guess my elbow caught onto the edge of the bowl.”

“You’re helpless,” Taeyong muttered. He thought he was quiet enough but Johnny definitely heard him.

He rolled his eyes and dusted off his hands against his thighs. “Like you’re so perfect. It’s not like you can’t remake this.”

This time he didn’t hold back from pushing Taeyong’s buttons which only served to make Taeyong even angrier. It didn’t matter that Johnny was right. It was an accident, he could remake it very easily, it wasn’t a big deal, and yet all of those points were beyond Taeyong’s recognition. He was too angry and he let himself sit in that without a care in the world. Taeyong stomped over to Johnny like a petulant child. His hands were balled into tight fists and he was resisting the urge to do something violent with them.

“You’re such a pain in the ass.”

“You’re a pain in the ass,” Johnny replied, brows furrowing in anger.

“Don’t copy me.”

“Why? Does it make you angry?” Johnny smirked.

Taeyong closed his eyes in frustration. It was making him even angrier that Johnny was being childish. Because his eyes were closed he didn’t see it coming. He couldn’t shield himself or duck. He could only react after it had already happened and just accept it. The handful of flour smacked him in the face and Taeyong blinked in surprise. He looked at Johnny and saw him practically giggling behind a powdery hand. He was about to let out another string of insults, possibly start to cuss at the taller man, but something about the look on his face changed Taeyong’s mind. He brushed the flour off of his face and puffed out a breath. The flour on his lips went flying which only caused Johnny to laugh more. Two could play that game. Taeyong grabbed a handful of the flour and raised his hand as if he were going to throw it at Johnny.

Johnny raised an eyebrow like he didn’t think Taeyong would actually do it like he was daring Taeyong to go for it. Taeyong lowered his hand and right when Johnny chuckled in smug arrogance he raised it up, unfurled his fingers, and blew the flour directly into his face. This time it was his turn to giggle at the expression on Johnny’s face. Johnny huffed but he smiled. A devilish grin grew on his face and Taeyong wasn’t quick enough to stop him from grabbing more handfuls of flour.

“Don’t! Johnny, you behave!” He raised a finger and pointed at Johnny. “Stay.”

“What am I, a dog?”

“Sit,” Taeyong said with a smile.

“Oh, you’re going to get it.” Johnny made a move like he was going to pounce on Taeyong which had him trying to run in the opposite direction. The flour went flying and missed Taeyong completely. He laughed and reached for the eggs on the counter. He made it to the other side of the island and Johnny stopped at his side of the island.

“I have an egg and I’m not afraid to throw it,” Taeyong said.

“Hey, let’s not be hasty here.”

“I won’t negotiate with a terrorist.”

Johnny started laughing. “I’ll put the flour down if you put the egg down.”

“Never!”

Johnny moved quickly to catch up to Taeyong. Taeyong flung the egg and winced as it hit the cabinet behind his intended target. If Johnny hadn’t moved he would have definitely hit him. After that, it was a flurry of flour, a mess of eggs, and screams mixed with giggles as they continued their food fight. Taeyong completely forgot about all of his anger and just let himself have fun. At one point Taeyong had to call a time-out to wipe yolk off of his forehead before it dripped into his eyes. Johnny came up behind Taeyong and wrapped his arms around his waist and spun him around.

“Johnny! Put me down!” Taeyong yelled.

“Never! I’m afraid you’ll open the fridge to find more weapons.”

Taeyong laughed and tried to beat at Johnny’s strong arms in protest.

“Surrender and I’ll let you go.”

He could barely breathe out an agreement but somehow he got Johnny to set him back down on his feet. He turned around and smiled at the man he was so angry with earlier.

“You have a little flour here,” Johnny said, practically whispering the words. He extended his hand to brush the flour off Taeyong’s eyebrow. Keeping his fingers curled, he softly rubbed them against Taeyong’s cheek. Taeyong couldn’t help himself but lean into the touch. He stumbled forward feeling the urge to be closer to Johnny, a complete 180 from how he felt earlier in the day. Johnny licked his lips, eyes flickering down towards Taeyong’s and the tension between them became so charged Taeyong could feel it like it was physical. Noticing how Johnny had looked down at his lips made Taeyong look at Johnny’s lips as well. Johnny’s hand spread out to hold Taeyong’s face and Taeyong sucked in a breath, heart stuttering at the thought of what was about to happen. But then it was as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been poured on top of him. He stepped back abruptly, bumping into the counter.

“Ow,” he said, reaching back to rub at his hip.

“Are you okay?” Johnny reached out towards him looking both confused and concerned at the same time.

Taeyong could hear the double meaning behind that question and it brought him back to reality faster than the pain had.

“Yeah, uh, yeah. I just- I just gotta. Yeah,” Taeyong nervously chuckled, gesturing to the doorway. He quickly left the room, needing air and thousands of miles to be between the two of them right at that very minute. The front door slammed shut behind him as he took in big breaths and tried his best to calm down his rapidly beating heart. He didn’t understand what had just happened. He wasn’t sure what he had been thinking. He clearly wasn’t.

Not even two hours ago he was annoyed at the situation he had gotten himself into and then here he was about to kiss Johnny? Unbelievable. Old Taeyong must've slipped into his body to take advantage of the situation. That could be the only answer to how he had obviously lost his mind back there in the kitchen. He shook his head as if trying to will away the image of Johnny stepping closer, his eyes hooded with desire. He wasn’t here to come out of this weekend with a happily ever after. He was here for closure. He was here for Jess. That was it. Besides the fact that he didn’t even know why Johnny would want to kiss him. He must’ve just been caught up in the moment. That was all it could have been.

After a few minutes of breathing in the fresh air and reminding himself of the reality of the situation, he made his way back inside and towards the kitchen. He hesitantly stepped through the doorway, afraid he would run into Johnny again, but he was pleasantly surprised when not only did he not see the man but he saw a clean kitchen. Johnny must’ve cleaned and left knowing that Taeyong would be back. Without him being in the kitchen, Taeyong felt better about being back in the house. He grimaced when he noticed the time on the oven clock. At this point, he needed to already have the cookies baking to be ready on time. With a sigh, he walked over to the bowls and started measuring out the ingredients. As he poured the flour he shivered, but he tried his best to let himself get lost in the process of baking to get his mind off Johnny. He vowed that he would make himself a drink or two as soon as the cookies were done and he got some food into his stomach.

 

Soon the house was full of laughter and loud overlapping conversations. Jess and her bridesmaids were sitting around the living room drinking and having a good time. Taeyong kept to himself on the back patio, sipping slowly on his third Jack and Coke of the night. He was feeling good, mind spinning sweetly, and distracted enough to not think about the negative things. He was just going to stay out there, maybe have one or two more drinks, and then crawl into bed. He didn’t even care that Johnny would be in the same room when he went to sleep. He was sure he would be out of it enough that it wouldn’t even matter.

 

“Taeyong, wake up.”

Someone was rocking Taeyong back and forth trying to get him to open his eyes. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and tried to swallow. It was Jess standing over him with a smile on her face. He was surprised to see her.
“Let’s go grab breakfast. Meet me downstairs in ten?”

Taeyong felt confused but agreed. He sat up and looked around the room as the door shut behind Johnny’s older sister. The blankets Johnny had been sleeping on weren’t on the floor and Johnny didn’t seem to be around. He tried to remember the last couple of hours of the night before, but he couldn’t even remember coming to bed. He had a slight headache but figured it was nothing that caffeine couldn’t fix. Exactly ten minutes later, he stepped into the living room and saw Jess talking to Johnny. She was telling him to do some things to prepare for the rehearsal dinner. When Jess noticed Taeyong had made it downstairs she shook her keys at him and bid Johnny goodbye.

Taeyong didn’t even make eye contact with the boy before he turned to follow Jess out to the car. They drove to a nearby donut place with only the sounds of the air conditioner and some K-pop group’s latest album filling the car. Taeyong wasn’t sure why Jess had specifically requested that he come with her to get breakfast, but he figured she would make it obvious soon. They pulled through the drive-through, placing their order and after they paid and received their food and drinks they drove back to the house. Jess parked and before Taeyong could get out of the car she spoke.

“You know, you told me something pretty interesting last night.”

Taeyong swallowed all of a sudden feeling nervous. What had drunk Taeyong said?

He put down his coffee and turned towards her. “Yeah? Um, what was it?”

“You told me about how you wanted to kiss Johnny last night and when I asked why you couldn’t just kiss your boyfriend you told me that he wasn’t your boyfriend. You said he was barely a friend.”

Taeyong was glad he had set down his coffee because he surely would have dropped it if it was still in his hand. He struggled to figure out how to respond to her. His head went empty. Jess knew and she knew because drunk Taeyong had told her. She probably hated him. She probably wanted him gone for lying to her.

“I can see you panicking over there. It’s okay Taeyong. I know. I’ve always known.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Taeyong asked, dumbfounded. “What do you mean you’ve always known?”

“Would I be a good sister if I couldn’t tell when my brother was lying?”

“I suppose not,” Taeyong muttered. She answered his question and yet he was still confused.

“Besides your face when I saw you at the cafe was a dead giveaway.” She laughed. “I suspected Johnny was lying pretty much right away after he returned from the States. And the more he struggled with his lies the more I could see through him. Then I saw you at the cafe and the look on your face confirmed my suspicions. But here you are anyway.”

Taeyong sputtered, trying to figure out what to say but unable to come up with anything other than an apology. He bowed his head, feeling guilty beyond measure for deceiving her, or at least trying to.

Jess placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m glad you’re here, even if the circumstances for your presence aren’t ideal. I don't know how Johnny convinced you to come but my wedding wouldn't have been the same without you, so he did a good job. But if at any point you need to leave, please go. I’m not more important than your mental health.”

Taeyong felt the tears prick his eyes and he swallowed down the lump in his throat. He just nodded, still unable to speak.

She moved, gathering up the food and her drink. She got out of the car and Taeyong followed her. Right as they got to the front door she spoke again, “I love you Taeyong and for what it’s worth, Johnny does too. I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you to give him a chance. When he pulls his head out of his ass try to hear him out, okay?”

Taeyong just followed her inside the house taking in the conversation they had just had. He couldn’t believe she knew. He couldn’t believe that she watched them fake it in front of the family but she kept it a secret anyway. His head was spinning, and it wasn’t even the headache from the drinks that was causing it. He needed more sleep.

 

Later that afternoon after a much-needed nap, Taeyong went down to the kitchen. There wasn’t much to do during the day until the rehearsal. With all of the work they put in yesterday, pretty much everything was ready for the wedding. He made himself some tea and walked outside to drink it on the back patio. It was a pretty nice day outside with the wind blowing and enough clouds to keep it cool. Despite the nap, his head was still spinning. He knew that it wouldn’t change until he talked everything out with Johnny, but the thought of continuing that conversation was hurting his brain even more.

“Is it safe for me to sit down or do you have eggs in your pocket?”

Taeyong looked over at the source of the voice. Johnny was standing in the doorway, one hand up as if to shield himself from an attack and the other holding a mug. Taeyong just motioned towards the chair next to him and Johnny quickly sat down.

“Did you have a good morning with Jess?”

With a nod, Taeyong said, “Yeah, it was nice to spend a little time alone with her. She’s just as lovely as I remember her being.”

“She really missed you over these last couple of years,” Johnny said, taking a sip of his drink. Before Taeyong could even respond Johnny was speaking again. “So have I,” he admitted.

Taeyong was afraid to look over at Johnny when he said that. His heart seized in his chest and he sucked in a quick breath.

“Johnny,” Taeyong said, almost like a warning.

“I know. I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s the truth. I’m tired of lying to you.”

Taeyong risked a glance at the boy next to him. He could see that he was being sincere, but the words just made him a little annoyed. He was tired of lying to Taeyong but he was okay with lying to the rest of his family? So he said as such.

“I’m being a hypocrite. I just can’t tell them the truth this close to Jess’s wedding. A few more days and I’ll come clean.”

There was a bit of silence after this. Taeyong wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to tell Johnny that Jess knew, but he wasn’t sure that would help anything. He could understand where Johnny was coming from. He just still had questions he needed answers to.

“We should continue that conversation we were having when we first got here.”

“Yeah, good idea,” Johnny responded. He set down his mug on the table between them and turned his body towards Taeyong. “What do you want to know?”

“I just want you to tell me why. How did it get to this?”

Johnny nodded as if he was expecting that question. He let a moment pass as he gathered his thoughts. “When we were in high school, most of my family thought I wouldn’t amount to much. I guess I didn’t really give off the impression that I would excel at anything, but then when I got accepted into the University of Chicago, I thought maybe I could finally convince them that I’d be able to be successful on my own accord, because of my own abilities. But then I fucked it all up and failed. Having to come back home and face my family was difficult, to say the least. To try and see you and tell you that I failed would’ve been devastating.”

Underneath it all, he knew the truth would look something like this. At least he hoped it would. The overwhelming urge to cry came right back as he figured it would. He did his best to keep it at bay so that Johnny would keep talking.

“Then I started at Neo City University and started acing my classes and getting leadership roles and joining the radio program and life was going well. My parents seemed happy with me and they stopped bringing up Chicago. Jess got engaged and my parents just assumed you and I were together, that we had always been together. I didn’t know how to tell them we weren’t, because as far as they are concerned the only thing I ever got right in my life was you.”

Taeyong whimpered and closed his eyes, letting the tears he had been holding back run down his face. He took a minute to gather himself before speaking again.

“You know why it hurt so much when you left?” he whispered.

Johnny knew it was a rhetorical question.

“Because you were all I had. And just like everyone else in my life, you left. You decided I wasn’t as important as the college you wanted to go to.” There was a brief pause before Taeyong continued. “I would have never asked you to stay for me. I could never be that selfish. But you could have at least talked to me about it, Johnny. You applied without telling me and then you accepted without even talking to me about it. You decided that I didn’t need to know until the last minute. I didn’t have any time to prepare before you were flying right out of my life.”

“I was trying not to hurt you,” Johnny mumbled.

“And yet you did anyway. What you did hurt me more than if you had told me when you first considered applying.”

“Would your reaction have been different or the same?”

Taeyong sighed. He adjusted, tucking his hands under his thighs. He brought them back out and rubbed them across the arms of the chair. He was fidgeting. He knew how to answer the question, it was just hard. The whole conversation had been hard.

“Would it have made a difference?”

Johnny scoffed. “Of course, it would have.”

“It would have been the same.”

Johnny laughed. The disbelief jumping out of his mouth attached to each ‘ha.’

“What would you have expected? That I would just smile and calmly tell you that everything was okay? That I would be content to send my entire world thousands of miles away without even blinking an eye? I couldn’t even face you at the airport because I didn’t know how to say goodbye to you.”

Johnny’s mouth dropped open, he gaped like a fish, floundering for the right words.

“I mean, of course not. I made the decision not to tell you and it was the wrong decision. I recognize that, but at the time I genuinely thought what I was doing was for the best.”

Taeyong sighed. “Have you ever noticed that most problems that people have can be solved simply through the means of communication?”

Johnny laughed. “We were always good at communicating with one another until all of that happened.”

“Your fault,” Taeyong muttered.

Johnny gasped and then laughed. “Rude, but fair.”

For the first time in years, Taeyong felt like touching Johnny of his own volition. He reached over and grabbed Johnny’s hand. At this motion, Johnny grabbed right back and squeezed.

“I know you thought you were doing what was best,” Taeyong sighed. He knew he couldn’t blame Johnny for making that decision anymore. He was young and dumb and scared. At the time Taeyong was angry and for years after he had been but now, he was ready to let it go. “I don’t want to be angry at you anymore. It’s exhausting,” Taeyong said.

“I’m sorry I hurt you and continued to hurt you for years after that. I’ve been a coward for so long. I should have told you about Chicago right away. I should have told you when I came back.”

Taeyong pulled his hand away.

“Look, none of what you just said was wrong, but we can’t change the past. We can only move forward and try not to make the same mistakes again.”

Johnny smiled at Taeyong. “I’m willing to try if you are.”

Taeyong knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. They had a lot to work through. Taeyong had a lot of heartbreak to get past, but no longer being mad at Johnny was going to make it easier. He wouldn’t lie, it was nice knowing he had Johnny back. Johnny used to be his entire world and he was glad he found himself outside of Johnny, but having him back and knowing that maybe they could get back to how things used to be hit differently. After they finished their drinks they went back inside and settled on the couch in the living room to watch a movie. Taeyong could feel his eyes starting to droop and he really wanted to give in to the urge to nap. He thought maybe resting his eyes for a few minutes wouldn’t be so bad.

***

Johnny was sitting on the couch, staring at the black TV screen. His legs were extended onto the table in front of him. Taeyong was asleep on his lap and Johnny was running his through Taeyong’s hair. He started doing it absentmindedly and when he noticed he was doing it, well he really didn’t feel like stopping himself. You know what they say, old habits die hard. Johnny felt a tap on his shoulder and turned his head to make eye contact with his sister. She was smiling fondly at them.

“Yes?” he whispered. He didn’t want to wake Taeyong up just yet.

“Mom wanted me to remind you to grab the tuxes from the cleaners. But you don’t have to go though. You seem busy.” She gestured to the boy in his lap with a smile on her face.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“It’s 4. The tuxes have to be picked up by 5, but you guys need time to get ready for the rehearsal dinner so you should go now,” she responded.

“Okay, yeah we’ll go. I should wake him anyway.”

His sister mouthed the words ‘thank you,’ passed him the keys, and left the room.

Johnny brushed the hair off of Taeyong’s face and gave himself a slightly selfish, very self-indulgent moment to stare at the younger boy. He let his mind wander, thinking of what ifs, what-could-have-beens. Maybe in some alternate universe, Johnny would have brought Taeyong to Jess’s wedding as his real boyfriend. They’d be in love for real, joking about how their wedding would be next or how much better their wedding would be compared to Jess’s. Taeyong shifted under him. Johnny shook his head to clear his thoughts. He placed his hand on Taeyong’s shoulder.

“Yong, wake up. We have to go somewhere.”

Taeyong groaned. “What’s in it for me?”

“I’ll buy you ice cream?”

Taeyong smirked. “That was surprisingly easy.” He sat up, stretching and popping his joints. Johnny got up and checked his pockets for his phone and his wallet. Swinging the keys around in his hand, he asked Taeyong if he was ready to go.

“Lead the way, big guy.”

 

The tuxes were acquired quickly. All three of them were laid flat against the seats in the back of the car. Taeyong pestered Johnny about getting ice cream since he said he would. They ended up going through a drive-thru and sitting in the car to eat the ice cream before driving back to the house. It was almost as if they were in a bubble since they had had their conversation earlier and if they went back and had to pretend to be a couple again in front of Johnny’s family Taeyong felt as if the bubble might pop. He knew that things were fragile right now so he wanted to stay in the safe space as long as he could.

Johnny popped a spoonful of mint chocolate ice cream into his mouth. “You know you said something earlier that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.”

“Hmm?” Taeyong asked, taking a bite of his green tea ice cream.

“You said you were at the airport.”

Taeyong gulped.

“Why didn’t you come say goodbye?”

Taeyong watched a few cars pass by. He had basically already answered that question. He mentioned earlier how it would have been too hard to say goodbye, but he figured Johnny needed more of an explanation.

“Despite the fact that we had just had this earth-shattering fight, I wanted to be there to see you off safely. Something about not being there felt wrong. I knew I would regret it if I didn’t go. But then I saw you and I just couldn't do it. It was like my shoes were stuck to the ground and my mouth was sewn shut. I didn’t know how to say goodbye.”

Johnny smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. It wasn't a happy type of smile. “I wish you would have. I looked around for you before going through security, but I didn’t see you. I guess I’m just in disbelief that you were actually there.”

Taeyong finished off his ice cream and put the cup in the cupholder. “Is it really such a surprise? You wouldn’t have done the same?”

“I guess it’s not a surprise.”

“Do you think things would be any different between us if I had actually said goodbye?” Taeyong asked, already scared of the answer.

“I’m not sure. Like you said, that fight was big. But I think a big part of why I didn’t reach out first was because you didn’t come to the airport. It was like I was expecting to see you. That we’d get a chance to say goodbye, promise to keep in touch, and I’d be able to work up the courage to apologize to you. But then I felt so angry, so disappointed that you didn’t show up so I just kept being stubborn.”

“So you do think if I had said goodbye things would be different.” Taeyong took in a shuddering breath. Was this his fault? Was all of this distance his doing? Had he actually said goodbye could they be at an entirely different spot in their relationship? He felt himself start to spiral and then a hand lightly grabbed his chin. Johnny pulled his focus back over to him.

“Breathe,” he whispered, eyes full of concern. “You had every reason to not say goodbye. In fact, you had every reason to not show up at the airport at all. I don’t know if I would have been able to say goodbye to you either.” Johnny tucked a bit of Taeyong’s hair behind his ear. He was already having a hard time breathing and that gesture just made it a little bit harder. “You said earlier that we can’t change the past, we can only move forward.”

Taeyong nodded. Somehow he found control of his breathing. Since Johnny asked about something that had been on his mind Taeyong figured it was now his turn.

“We can’t change the past but I’d like to know more about yours. How did you end up failing? What happened?”

Johnny visibly stiffened. His jaw clenched and he gripped his ice cream cup hard enough that he almost spilled a bit that had melted.

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s something that causes you pain,” Taeyong was quick to add. He reached over, grabbing the cup from Johnny’s head to set it down in the cupholder next to his.

“No, it’s okay. I want to tell you. I wanted to go there for the photography program because of how renowned it is. But no one mentioned how hard it was going to be and how many talented people were in the program. It was kind of like an intense hike. At first, it was fun. I was doing fine and genuinely enjoying what I was learning. But then all of a sudden I lost my footing and I couldn’t catch up. It was really frustrating and I was trying I swear, but I was putting too much emphasis on competing with the other people in my program which resulted in me falling behind in my other courses. I was forgetting deadlines, turning in shitty assignments that I had done at the last minute, and overall just doing horribly. I even skipped classes because I was embarrassed. It all came to a head when I ruined some photos that a senior had asked me to develop for him. He got me kicked out of the freshman exhibit, my math professor failed me, and I lost a scholarship because of my grades. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fight for it anymore.”

Taeyong felt so sorry for Johnny. He had said that it was hard but Taeyong hadn't expected this. He could see the pain in his eyes and he wanted nothing more than to take it all away. “I’m sorry Johnny.”

“Don’t be. I didn’t want to fight at that point. I just missed Korea. I missed my family. I missed you. I didn’t want to be in Chicago anymore so I got a transfer to Neo City for sophomore year and just accepted the loss. I knew coming back would be hard but for the first time in a long time I was actually looking forward to something.”

“And?” Taeyong asked hopefully.

“And it’s better. I’m happy. I have friends here. I have my family. And I’m no longer putting so much pressure on my photography. I decided to keep it as a hobby. Which has been one of the best decisions I’ve made in years.”

“You’re not doing photography as your major anymore?” Taeyong was shocked by this news.

Johnny shook his head and a bright grin overtook his face. “My major is communications with a broadcast journalism track. At the insistence of my roommate Jungwoo, I joined the radio program and absolutely fell in love with it. I actually got my own show fairly quickly and it does really well.”

“Oh my god! Johnny, that’s incredible. Congratulations!” Taeyong couldn’t help but get excited for Johnny.

Johnny laughed. “Thank you. It’s at an incredible timeslot on Fridays and it’s something I love a lot. I still love photography and I’d like for it to be a side job, but my heart is with radio now.”

Taeyong sat back with a smile on his face that he just couldn’t shake off. It was really nice to hear Johnny this happy. He was glad that he had found his calling even if it meant going through hard times first.

“Everything happens for a reason, Johnny. I really believe that. Maybe you had to go to Chicago to be able to fall in love with radio.”

“I agree. I’m not ashamed of my past. I’m still working through some residual feelings about it, that’s for sure, but if failing brought me radio then it was all worth it.”

Taeyong hummed.

“You know, when I came back and things started to fall into place I still felt like something was missing. It took me a while to realize it was you.”

Taeyong closed his eyes and swallowed. If Johnny kept saying things like that, Taeyong would let himself hope. He didn’t want to do that. Not after everything. It was too dangerous.

“Look at me Taeyong. Please.”

He turned his head because he couldn’t deny Johnny. He didn’t say anything. The look on his face spoke volumes. For the second time in 24 hours, Taeyong moved forward, slowly in between heartbeats. But this time was different from when he almost kissed Johnny yesterday. He felt short of breath and he wanted. He wanted more than anything. For years that was all he had fantasized about. And here Johnny was, sitting mere inches away with eyes that screamed for Taeyong to take. Johnny moved in, matching Taeyong’s pace. Taeyong’s lips were so close to their intended target when the thought ripped through Taeyong like a lightning bolt. If he kissed Johnny, if he took what he wanted then he wouldn’t be able to let him go when this is all over. This was only supposed to be the weekend and then they would close the door on this friendship. Taeyong was so sure 72 hours ago that he would find a way to forgive Johnny, but all past Taeyong wanted was to close the door and move on. Things felt so different now and for the first time, Taeyong actually felt like maybe the depth of Johnny’s feelings matched his own. But if he kissed him now he’ll know what he tastes like. He’ll have the answer to the question he’s been asking for years and nothing had ever been as scary as that possibility. He sharply pulled back, hitting his head against the glass of the passenger door window.

“Ow,” he moaned, rubbing away the pain.

Johnny’s eyes were wide and Taeyong was sure it wasn’t all because of him knocking his head on the window.
“Are you okay?”

Taeyong could hear the double meaning of the question. You were going to kiss me and you didn’t. Are you okay? You hit your head against the window. Are you okay? And he didn’t know how to answer either of the questions so he settled for a different sentence altogether.

“We should get back. We need to get ready for the rehearsal.”

Johnny cleared his throat and turned toward the steering wheel. “Yeah.”

 

Taeyong stood near the dresser and adjusted the beret on his head. He had set up a mirror to use while Johnny was using the bathroom. He had gone for a simple, clean look with a black-striped blazer and matching pants. He had a simple black shirt underneath the blazer, tucked into his pants and a black beret on his head tying the whole look together. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror, feeling satisfied with his look until the bathroom door opened and Taeyong noticed he could see Johnny in the reflection. He was looking into his own mirror, towel wrapped around his waist, water droplets running down his chest and in between the rivets of his abs. Taeyong swallowed, unable to stop himself from staring. Johnny’s body was almost unreal. Taeyong looked up from his chest and watched as Johnny ran the product that was on his fingers through his wet hair. The biceps in his strong-looking arms flexed and Taeyong licked his lips. A part of him felt bad that he was very obviously checking the man out, but it was small enough to ignore. He decided to let himself indulge.

He was so busy looking everywhere but Johnny’s face that he didn’t even notice that Johnny was looking right back. Taeyong quickly looked away, feeling the blush rise to his cheeks. Calming his heart down, he dared another look and saw that Johnny was laughing to himself. He couldn’t help but chuckle too.

Johnny stepped back into the bedroom, grabbed his clothes, and went back into the bathroom. He stopped at the door and leaned around it. Taeyong looked over at him and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m going to shut this so you don’t get any ideas.”

Taeyong could only bark out a laugh in response.

When Johnny reemerged he was wearing a black blazer with a white button-up underneath, the cuffs of which extended past the cuffs of his blazer. His pants were hugging his perfect legs and his hair was in a middle part artfully styled to frame his face. Taeyong couldn’t believe how good he looked. If this was how he looked for the rehearsal dinner he expected Johnny to absolutely take his breath away tomorrow during the wedding.

“You know taking attention away from the bride is like the number one wedding no-no,” Taeyong said.

With a laugh, Johnny said, “Ironic considering how good you look.”

Taeyong smiled, feeling a boost of confidence. “Well, let’s go ruin Jess’s dinner then.”

They walked downstairs in a fit of giggles.

The rehearsal went off without a hitch. It didn’t take long for everyone to run through the game plan for the next day. They made their way to the barn where the wedding party table was made up for dinner. Dinner was self-serve food prepped by the groom to be Ryan’s family and Taeyong didn’t hold himself back from loading up his plate the second he saw baked macaroni and cheese.

“It’s nice to see that some things never change,” Johnny said nodding towards Taeyong’s plate.

“Mac and cheese is my comfort food, so sue me for wanting a lot of it.”

Johnny just nodded in agreement and placed a hand on the small of Taeyong’s back. “Let’s go find some seats.”

He led the two of them over to the table and set down his plate before grabbing the back of the chair in front of Taeyong. He took Taeyong’s plate out of his hands and gestured to the chair. Taeyong knew he was smiling like an idiot as Johnny pulled out his chair for him but he didn’t care. It was nice to be taken care of and it was nice that things were well, nice with Johnny. It was a complete 180 from where they had been a few days ago. That Taeyong would have seen right through Johnny’s gestures, he would have been suspicious of every little move that came from the taller man, but this Taeyong knew better. This was genuine and he just wanted to enjoy it for however long he could.

Everyone dug into their food and conversation was flowing all around them. Jess was talking with her maid of honor and Ryan was laughing at his parents' recollection of their own wedding day. Taeyong was just listening to it all. He looked over at Johnny to see what he was doing and noticed him stretching his back. His face was pinched as he leaned from side to side. Probably hoping to get a couple of helpful pops, he arched his back and breathed a small sigh of relief. Taeyong felt bad instantly. He knew why Johnny’s back was hurting and he felt like shit about it because he knew it was his fault. He took a bite of his mac and cheese and felt the urge to cry.

“Taeyong, are you okay?” Taeyong thought his sniffle was small enough, but Johnny must’ve heard it.

“I should be asking you that,” he whispered, swallowing hard.

“Hey, look at me.”

Taeyong glanced over at the boy next to him.

“Why are you upset?”

“Because you’re in pain and it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have let you lay on the floor.”

“I’m a grown boy. If sleeping on the floor was hurting me that bad I would have done something about it. I’m just a little sore today, but it’s not your fault.”

“I feel like you’re only saying that to make me feel better.”

Johnny smirked and Taeyong could tell he was about to say something that would Taeyong’s stomach twist.
“No, really I’m okay. But if you feel that bad about it you could make it better by letting me sleep with you tonight.”

Yep, there it was.

He choked on nothing and looked around to see if anyone heard what Johnny said. Seeing that absolutely no one was paying attention to them, he relaxed. There was still a storm of thoughts swirling around in his head. It was hard not to fall right back under Johnny’s spell, it was hard not to fall right back into their old habits, to not always have one hand consistently on the man next to him. Taeyong had been so scared of the thought of kissing Johnny that he had used all of his strength to pull away from him twice. But he thought maybe a few touches here and there was harmless. Besides the fact that they were in front of all of the people who thought the two of them were in a relationship anyway.

“Or I could just rub you right here.”

Johnny’s knee hit the underside of the table and he cleared his throat, unable to respond. Taeyong shifted in his seat and reached over to place a hand on Johnny’s broad backside.

“We have to keep up appearances anyway. Don’t we, fake boyfriend?” he whispered.

Johnny groaned, low and quiet. Taeyong took his silence as a sign to continue. He moved his hand to Johnny’s lower back and pushed down. All of his movements were dependent on Johnny’s sounds. If he could tell Johnny was enjoying it or if what Taeyong was doing was actually helping he stayed where he was, working on that spot harder. Johnny reached over and placed a hand on Taeyong’s thigh. He pushed his own fingers down and gripped hard. Another sign that whatever Taeyong was doing was working. He only had one hand to use but he tried his best to actually massage out the pain in Johnny’s lower back. Taeyong rubbed his hand up and down and moved to rub his sides, digging his thumb in. Johnny sighed. Taeyong felt the tension between the two of them being pulled tight. He felt dizzy because of Johnny’s touch. The grip he had on Taeyong’s thigh was enough to make him feel crazy with want. Neither of them even bothered with their food anymore as they were so wrapped up in one another. They didn’t even realize that a couple of the people around the table had noticed them touching one another.

“Don’t you two look cozy?” Johnny’s mom said from behind them breaking the spell. She reached over and grabbed their plates with a smile on her face. Johnny looked back at her with surprise and much to Taeyong’s disappointment he loosened his grip and pulled his hand away slowly.

Johnny muttered out some response and adjusted in his chair. Taeyong only felt embarrassed because he was confused by his own heart. For the rest of dinner, Johnny barely talked to Taeyong. He couldn’t even make eye contact, barely glancing at him when he had to. It was times like this when he wished he could read Johnny’s mind so he could tell what he was thinking. Was he embarrassed? Was he upset? Was this also Taeyong’s fault? Should he apologize?

Fuck that, he thought. He knew Johnny was enjoying it and he wasn’t sorry about it. If Johnny wanted to be weird about it, then fine, but Taeyong was not going to feel bad about it.

 

At the end of dinner, they bid their goodbyes to everyone at the party and made their way to the bedroom

They were getting ready for bed when it occurred to Taeyong that maybe he should bring it up. “Was I making you uncomfortable earlier?”

Johnny turned toward Taeyong with a confused look on his face. “What do you mean?”

“When I was rubbing your back. You got all weird after your mom came over.” Taeyong finished brushing his teeth and crawled into the bed watching as Johnny double-checked that their suits were hanging up and ready for the day tomorrow. His jaw was clenched as if the subject of conversation was making him upset. Great. So bringing it up just made it worse. Taeyong kind of wanted to crawl under the covers and never come back out. If he was confused, Johnny was probably even more confused. Taeyong was giving them both whiplash.

“Never mind. We don’t need to talk about it,” he muttered.

Johnny still didn't say anything. He walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. Taeyong felt like shit. Maybe it was all just too fast. Only 72 hours ago, Taeyong hated Johnny and now he was feeling him up at a dinner surrounded by some of the closest people in his family. What was Taeyong thinking? Of course, it was all too much. Of course, it made him uncomfortable. He felt the need to cry come up quickly and he tried to swallow it away for fear of Johnny being able to hear him as soon as he came out of the bathroom. Taeyong was so concerned about his own dark, swirling thoughts that he didn’t hear the bathroom door open. Johnny walked up to the bed and hit the edge with his knees.

“Hello?” Johnny asked, sounding like he had maybe tried to get Taeyong’s attention a few times already.

Taeyong sat up. “I’m sorry, were you saying something?”

“I wasn’t uncomfortable because of you. I was enjoying the massage. If I didn’t want your hands on me I would have told you so,” Johnny said. His eye contact was intense and Taeyong was trying his best to read the emotion in his eyes. It was a relief to hear Johnny say that but Johnny still alluded to the fact that he was uncomfortable and Taeyong didn’t know why.

“So what made you act weird?” Despite willing it to sound strong, his voice was weak.

Johnny rubbed a hand against his jaw. “Honestly Taeyong I know my own brain, but I don’t know what’s going on in yours. It’s a little hard to enjoy the touching when it just confuses me. When I’m not sure if it’s real or not.”

There was the confirmation that Johnny was just as confused as he was. Of course, he had been. They had almost kissed twice, but both times Taeyong had pulled away before it could happen. They were touchy and flirty, both in front of people and behind closed doors. But the words were unspoken. Neither of them was truly hinting at what they wanted. Taeyong wanted to talk about it, but he didn’t even know what he was going to say. He knew he wanted Johnny, he always had. He just didn’t know to what extent.

He couldn’t deny that something was changing between the two of them and it was making Taeyong’s head spin. It was like the second that they had decided they would try for a friendship again, that they had jumped right back into the mindsets of their younger selves. Both secretly pining for the other, both reaching out, but never actually taking.

Taeyong closed his eyes in frustration. It seemed like he couldn’t be left to his own devices because all he wanted to do was touch the boy standing across from him. Johnny had just made it seem as if he wanted something more than friendship with Taeyong. When he let those words truly settle in, he felt nervous. He needed to give himself time to figure out what the fuck he was going to do about the collision course that the two of them were on. All Taeyong knew was that they were inevitably going to crash into one another.

Taeyong made his way out of the bed.

“Where are you going?” Johnny asked.

“I’m going to sleep on the floor tonight. You should take the bed.”

“It’s fine. My back feels better. You can take the bed again.”

Taeyong unfolded the blanket on the floor and busied himself with smoothing out the wrinkles instead of responding.

“Taeyong, I am not sleeping on the bed.”

“Johnny, I am not sleeping on the bed either.”

“Don’t be stubborn. Get up here.”

Taeyong looked up at Johnny. “I can be stubborn all I want. I am staying down here.”

Johnny groaned in frustration. “Why don’t we just both sleep on the bed?”

Taeyong swallowed. He really didn’t want to sleep on the floor and he really didn’t want Johnny to have to spend another night on the floor either. But sleeping in the same bed when he knew that the tension was building between the two of them was dangerous. When he didn’t trust himself to take what he wanted without thinking about it first. He needed to be sure of his thoughts and feelings without being clouded with want. Being around Johnny and trying to think clearly was too hard. It was a double-edged sword. As if Johnny could read his thoughts he threw up both hands in surrender. “I will keep to my side of the bed. We can even put pillows between us if that helps?”

Taeyong was stubborn, but he wasn’t that stubborn. Not when sleeping on the floor didn’t actually sound that appealing. He got up and Johnny took that as his answer. Johnny got into the bed and adjusted it for the two of them. As Taeyong settled into his side of the bed, pulling the blanket up to his chin he could feel how stiff he was.

“I promise I will be good and keep my hands to myself,” Johnny whispered. “You can relax.”

Taeyong was almost desperate to say that he wished Johnny would be bad, that he wished Johnny wouldn’t keep his hands to himself, but he kept those thoughts to himself. He only let out a nervous chuckle. “Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?”

“I’ve touched you as much as you’ve touched me recently. Don’t blame everything on yourself.”

“Okay,” Taeyong breathed out. “Goodnight Johnny.”

“Yeah,” Johnny whispered. “Sweet dreams.”

***

Johnny woke up the next morning with Taeyong in his arms. Despite his promise the night before to keep his hands to himself, it seemed as if it was hard to keep that promise when he was asleep. Taeyong was resting on his chest, one hand tucked in close to his own chest and the other placed over Johnny’s heart. Johnny had one of his arms wrapped around Taeyong, holding him close. Johnny dared a glance at the clock on the bedside table and sighed at his horrible timing. The alarm was set to go off in five minutes. He would only be able to enjoy this until then. He stayed perfectly still, hoping that he could hold on to Taeyong for as long as he could. Having Taeyong in his arms felt so incredibly good and right and quite frankly, he didn’t want to let go. He knew that things had been changing between them ever since they were able to get all of their feelings out into the air and clear up all of the unresolved issues. It was like they had been building towards this ever since high school and they just put a pause on this development over the last couple of years. He was happy to press play and let things work out the way they should, but at the same time, he was wary about it all. He didn’t think it would be that easy. To just jump into something romantic when they needed to build that trust back up again when they needed to get to know one another again. He knew their friends, especially Taeyong’s, would be weird about it if they started something. None of them trusted Johnny after what he did and he wouldn’t blame them if they never wanted Johnny and Taeyong to be together. And then there was the matter of his family and how he would need to come clean. He needed to come clean regardless of any development with Taeyong, but the thought still scared the shit out of Johnny. It was why he had lied for so long. Avoidance was easier.

He knew what he wanted though. He wanted Taeyong. He always had and he had never stopped. He was sure of that, but it didn’t seem as if Taeyong was. If anyone was going to make the first move he wanted it to be Taeyong. It needed to be him after everything that had happened between the two of them.

Taeyong’s hand stretched, fingers flexing away the stiffness of a night’s sleep and he absentmindedly rubbed it across Johnny’s chest a few times before settling again. And that was all it took for Johnny to relax. He didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, in fact, he didn’t know how any of his future would pan out, but he would be damned if he screwed this up again. He already let Taeyong go once and it was one of the biggest mistakes he had made in his life and he had no plans to ever do it again. Now that Taeyong was back in his life and they had decided to try again, he was going to protect that. He just wanted to enjoy the wedding today before he had to deal with the rest of the world. He wasn’t going to hold back today and he wasn’t going to let any of those bad thoughts get to him.

Five minutes passed quickly while Johnny was inside his own head. The alarm rang sharply, beeping out the warning that they needed to get up and get ready for the day. Taeyong shifted, groaning and whining about needing at least ten more minutes of sleep. He hadn’t seemed to have noticed that he was in Johnny’s arms yet. Johnny let his arm drop from where it was on Taeyong’s waist. Taeyong turned his head and burrowed into Johnny’s chest. He rubbed his face back and forth before abruptly stopping.

“I-,” Taeyong said, his voice muffled.

He slowly moved back and rolled over onto his stomach, pressing his face into the covers. Taeyong let out a loud groan from what Johnny presumed to be embarrassment.

“I guess when we’re asleep we can’t stick to our promises of keeping our hands to ourselves,” Johnny chuckled.

Taeyong rolled over slightly, peeking at Johnny. “You find this funny?”

“Hilarious. Now get your cute butt up and get ready for the wedding.”

***

Just like the day before Taeyong was blessed with a vision of Johnny all dolled up, except this time it was even more intense. Yesterday he looked really nice with his black blazer and white button-up, but that style was more relaxed compared to the fanciness of his tuxedo today. His hair was slicked back, one little strand hanging down on his forehead making him look like the absolute picture-perfect definition of heartthrob. His bowtie was adjusted just right and the smile on his face tied it all together.

Taeyong couldn’t take his eyes off Johnny no matter how hard he tried. He would guess that for about 90 percent of the ceremony he watched Johnny instead of the bride and groom like he should have done. Even during the vows his eyes were trained on the man on the other side of the groom. Johnny was too immersed in the ceremony to notice, but at one point he looked over at Taeyong in the audience, and when they made eye contact Johnny winked. Taeyong, flustered, shifted his eyes over to the bride for the first time in several minutes. Taeyong mostly kept to himself after that. He tried to keep himself busy so that he wouldn’t be focusing on what Johnny was doing or where Johnny was. While the family was taking pictures, Taeyong was scrolling aimlessly on his phone. He opened up his text chat with Doyoung, fingers hovering over the keys. He knew what he wanted to say but he was worried about the reaction he would get. A message came in as if Doyoung could sense that Taeyong wanted to talk.

 

‘How are things going with he who shall not be named?’

‘You can call him Johnny.’

‘Are we not mad at him anymore?’

‘I don’t know what we feel anymore.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘All I know is that he looks at me like he wants to eat me alive

and I don’t think I have the strength to stop him if he tries.’

‘Do you want him to?’

It was as if all it took was that one question to make it all clear. Taeyong looked up to find Johnny walking back into the venue with his family. It was easy to admit that there were sparks between the two of them. That he wanted Johnny. The more he thought about the more he couldn’t stop imagining it. The two of them walking to their lectures holding hands, playing footsie under the study tables at the library, and double dates at the diner near campus with Jaehyun and Doyoung. Taeyong didn’t want to kid himself anymore. Of course, he wanted Johnny completely. It was just a matter of whether Johnny wanted the same, if he could trust Johnny with his heart, and let him back in with one hundred percent faith that everything would work out this time.

‘Actually yeah I do.

Things are so different from what they were just a few days ago, Doyoung.

We actually did the adult thing and talked it out.’

‘And now you want to jump each other’s bones?’

‘Are you mad?’

‘Are you happy?’

‘Johnny and I have a lot to work on but for now, I am.’

The bubbles that indicated that Doyoung was typing popped up. And down. And up. Taeyong bit down on his thumbnail, feeling anxious about Doyoung’s response.

‘Look, you’re a big boy. I trust you to make the right decision for yourself.

If you’re happy then I’m happy for you.’

‘I can’t wait for you to meet him and get to know him.

I think you two will actually like one another.’

‘Jaehyun already likes him so I’m sure I will too.’

Taeyong was thinking of what to say in response when the next text from Doyoung came in. He laughed loudly, getting annoyed looks from other people around him.

‘Hope the sex is mind-blowing. You deserve it.’

“What’s so funny?”

Taeyong looked up at the man standing next to him. “Just something Doyoung said.”

Johnny pulled out his seat and sat down next to Taeyong. He sighed and pulled his bowtie off, unbuttoning the top button at his collar.

“How was taking pictures?”

“Good. I’m ready to eat though.”

They were able to eat pretty quickly after that. The food was brought out and placed in front of them. Johnny had a steak dinner, but Taeyong had what looked like a vegetarian option. He hadn’t been a vegetarian since high school. He blinked at the plate and looked over at Johnny.

“Why didn’t I get the steak option?”

Johnny just started laughing like Taeyong’s complaint was the funniest thing he had ever heard.

“Now I want to know what you think is so funny?”

“This whole thing started because Jess asked me if you still wanted the vegetarian option and I realized I couldn’t get you out of the wedding anymore.”

Despite being slightly annoyed that he didn’t get to eat a steak, he smiled. “And you couldn’t bother to ask me if I wanted something different?”

“It probably would’ve been too late for it to be changed. Don’t forget I waited as long as I could before actually asking you if you would come to the wedding with me.”

Taeyong just reached over and grabbed Johnny’s plate. He switched the plates and angled his body in front of his new dinner as if to shield it from Johnny. “This is payback. Don’t even think about taking it back.”

Johnny laughed, shrugging as he dug into the vegetable lasagna. “If a steak evens the score then I’ll take it.”

“Oh,” Taeyong started with a chuckle. “You’re funny if you think that one steak is all it takes to win back my heart.”

He noticed the tension rise in the air and could see Johnny swallow hard at those words. Admitting it, after that conversation they had had the night before, was making Taeyong feel all a flutter.

Neither one of them pushed the conversation any further after that. It either had something to do with neither one of them being brave enough or the fact that once they had started eating they had practically inhaled their food.

Taeyong was licking his fork clean when the twinkling sounds of one of his favorite songs started playing. He looked over towards the dance floor and smiled softly as he watched the couples, old and young, hold each other just a little bit tighter as they swayed to the music. He was so entranced by the sight that he didn't notice that Johnny was standing right behind him with his hand outstretched. Johnny had cleared his throat softly to get Taeyong’s attention and when Taeyong turned around to look at the source of the sound and he was met with the hand in his face he giggled.

“Do me the honor?” Johnny asked.

Taeyong didn’t respond with words. He just got up and grabbed Johnny’s hand and practically pulled him over to the dance floor. Johnny chuckled and without a single bit of hesitation, he pulled Taeyong close. Taeyong smiled at his boldness as Johnny wrapped one arm around Taeyong’s waist and used his other hand to grab Taeyong’s right hand tightly. Taeyong kept one arm around Johnny’s neck, sliding his fingers through the hair on the nape of his neck. For the first time since they had been back at Johnny’s home, they got as close as possible for no one else but themselves. There had been a few times when it hadn’t all been so fake and moments when it almost seemed like they would let themselves just fall into the obvious attraction that was building and had been building for so many years, but every time it seemed like they would just take the plunge something was holding them back. But now that they were wrapped in each other’s arms, the song that Taeyong liked so much provided the background music, and immersed in the feeling of the day, they were able to just let it go and let it happen.
Taeyong couldn't help but shudder as Johnny’s fingers dug into his side and his thumb softly swept back and forth over Taeyong’s hand. Twisting his fingers in Johnny’s soft hair, he stepped just a fraction closer. Feeling brave, he dared eye contact and his breath audibly hitched when he was met with the intensity of Johnny’s stare.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look today?”

Taeyong gulped. He shook his head in response.

“Well you do,” he said as he brushed a fallen strand of Taeyong’s hair back. He felt the path that Johnny’s hand took like it was fire burning into his skin. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was permanently branded and everyone could see that he totally and completely belonged to Johnny. The thought didn’t even take his breath away like he thought it would.

“You know back when Jess first started dating Ryan in high school I envisioned us at her wedding. Not with dates, but with each other. Everyone assumed we’d end up together.”

“Yeah, so did I,” Taeyong admitted.

“You don’t anymore?” At the tone in his voice, Taeyong would have thought Johnny was joking but the look in his eyes spoke of something more serious.

“You know a week ago I would have said no, but now I’m not so sure.” Another admission. As soon as Taeyong let himself accept the inevitable it was hard for him to continue to deny it.

Johnny opened his mouth like he was going to say something when the song ended. When he looked around Taeyong used that as an opportunity to step back and get some air. He hadn’t realized how heated he was getting in the taller boy’s arms. He sucked in a breath and placed his hand over his chest, rubbing it soothingly, as if that would calm his heart.

One of Johnny’s family members called him over and he apologized to Taeyong before stepping away. Taeyong made his way back to the table and fell into conversation with someone who started asking how he knew Johnny. It was both easy and difficult to answer that question. How was he supposed to describe who he was to Johnny when he didn’t even know the answer himself? He knew that he couldn’t call them best friends because they hadn’t gotten back to that point yet. And he couldn’t call them lovers because they definitely weren’t that either. Taeyong eventually just settled on ‘old friends’ and felt hopeful that he’d have a chance to figure out exactly what they were to one another later.

***

Johnny stood with his mother and he knew she was saying words and yet nothing was sticking in his mind. His attention was completely on the man across the hall making conversation with his grandmother. It was like a flip had been switched, a light had been turned on, and there it was the realization. It wasn’t like he hadn't thought about it this before, but now it was so clear and it was staring him right in the face. Taeyong was the love of his life. Simple yet so complicated. What were things going to look like when the weekend was over? What would they look like when the weekend was over?

He was just not sure. He didn’t want to push Taeyong to meet him in the middle if he wasn’t ready. He knew that they said they wanted to move forward because they couldn’t change the past but what if that meant Taeyong wanted nothing to do with him romantically after that? Were they even ready to move towards that since they were still healing their friendship?

The conversation they had while they were dancing led him to believe that maybe just maybe Taeyong was coming to the same conclusion Johnny had, but he just wasn't sure. Most of the rest of the night passed by in a blur of drinks, dancing, and laughter. Johnny tried his best to avoid being completely alone with Taeyong for fear of jumping in with both feet without communicating first. He was so sure if he was left alone with Taeyong he would just pull him into his arms and kiss him stupid.

***

The night winded down as all nights do. Way too quickly. Taeyong was walking slowly along the lit garden path that led back to the house when he heard a pair of feet crunching along quickly on the gravel behind him. Unsurprisingly, when Taeyong looked over he was met with the devastatingly handsome face of Johnny Suh. More of his hair had fallen forward artfully laying across his forehead and his cheeks were flushed with the typical intake of alcohol one drinks at a wedding. There was a beautiful smile on his face that made Taeyong’s heart hurt.

“Hey, stranger.”

“No stranger than you are,” Johnny responded with a smile.

Taeyong bumped his shoulder against Johnny before asking how the rest of his night went.

“Good. It was great talking to so many family members I haven’t seen in years. I noticed you talked to Grandma Suh for a while.”

“She’s a hoot. She was telling me about her wedding day actually. Has she ever told you about what happened with her maid of honor that day?”

Johnny reached the front door before Taeyong and held it open so Taeyong could walk in first. Taeyong led them upstairs to their room while retelling the story. Their room. He could feel the anxiety rise in his body as he thought about the situation they were about to find themselves in. Alone. In a room. Just the two of them. After the emotionally charged day they had just had.

He needed to figure out a way to make sure no one felt any tension. He needed to figure out how to make it so they didn’t acknowledge the elephant in the room. They couldn’t talk about it if Taeyong wouldn’t shut up. So that’s what he would do. Talk.

He started rambling about the different people he talked to at the wedding and how happy he was to see Donghyuck. He groaned about the cake and how good it was and how he thought that maybe he shouldn’t have taken the steak from Johnny because he should’ve been able to taste the way the meat fell apart on his tongue.

He couldn’t even look at Johnny. It’s not that he couldn’t. But he wouldn’t. He refused. He kept looking all around the room, even focusing on the pattern of the wood on the door behind Johnny, but never on the man himself. Taeyong knew that he was about to run out of things to say about the wedding because he was the only one who was talking. Johnny wasn’t entertaining the conversation one bit. Not even a ‘yeah’ or a ‘mmm-hmm.’ Taeyong, despite himself, finally looked up. When he did make eye contact he inhaled a sharp breath because of the intense look Johnny was giving him. Just as he thought. Just as he knew would happen. The second they acknowledged what was simmering in the air around them everything changed. Taeyong felt frozen in place.

‘This is it, right?’ he thought before dropping his blazer. The buttons rattling against the floor was the first sound in almost a minute and it was that sound that had Johnny breaking out of his reverie to push forward. Johnny walked toward Taeyong and grabbed him, hands coming up to cup either side of Taeyong’s jaw, pulling him into a passionate kiss. Johnny’s thumbs brushed across Taeyong’s cheeks before lifting Taeyong’s chin just a little bit higher. Taeyong’s hands were stuck at his side for a second because he couldn’t even process what was happening. But as soon as Johnny stepped forward, melding their bodies together, Taeyong hastily reached up to grab the back of Johnny’s shirt, clenching hard as let himself melt into Johnny’s grasp.

It felt like magic. Truly Taeyong couldn’t describe it any other way. Johnny licked the seam of Taeyong’s lips and Taeyong couldn’t help but open up for him. As if it was even a question. And if it was Johnny asking, then Taeyong would gladly provide the answer. Johnny tilted his head, trying to deepen the kiss and Taeyong slightly moaned into his mouth. With every bush of the taller man’s lips against his, every sweep of his tongue, Taeyong felt himself fall harder. He couldn’t believe they had waited this long for something that felt so right. Johnny moved his hands to slip around Taeyong’s ass. Taeyong let out a groan at the feeling.

They pulled away, heads knocked together as they both tried to catch their breaths for a second. But that was it. Just one second before Taeyong greedily pulled Johnny back in for another searing kiss. Taeyong could barely breathe with the way the two of them were devouring one another but he didn’t even care. This was the best he had ever felt. There was nothing that had felt more right to Taeyong than being in Johnny’s arms and being kissed like Johnny had been waiting his entire life to do it.

Taeyong swiped his own thumb across Johnny’s cheek, one hand slipping to the back of his head up into his hair. A light scratch across his scalp had Johnny groaning. This gave Taeyong the chance to bite Johnny’s bottom lip softly. He was wrong. The way it felt when Johnny smiled against Taeyong’s mouth was the best part.

Johnny walked Taeyong further into the room, lightly pushing him onto the bed. Taeyong looked up at Johnny for the first time since they had started kissing and he was floored. He had never seen Johnny look more beautiful than he did at that moment. His hair had fallen out of place earlier and now Taeyong could see how much damage he had already done to it. He felt a sense of pride fill his chest. Johnny’s cheeks were still flushed from however many drinks he had had earlier but Taeyong hoped some of the flush was because of what they were doing. And the look in Johnny’s eyes? Well, that was the look of someone ready to swallow Taeyong whole.

Taeyong beckoned him onto the bed with a crook of his finger and Johnny smirked but didn’t make a move yet. Taeyong laid back and watched as Johnny shrugged off his own blazer, unbuttoned his cuffs, and pulled his shirt free from his pants. Taeyong bit his lip in anticipation as Johnny continued to unbutton one button after another, taking his time. It wasn’t like Taeyong hadn't seen him shirtless before. He had even seen him shirtless a few times since they’d been at the house for the wedding but this was different. This time he was allowed to look, this time he was allowed to touch, this time he was allowed to take. Johnny got to the last button but he didn’t take his shirt off. Taeyong’s breath shortened at the sight of the white dress shirt hanging open, a tease of what lay underneath. Johnny undid his belt, letting it hit the floor, but again he didn’t make a move to get out of the piece of clothing, not just yet.

Taeyong was so turned on at this point and was trying his best to be as patient as possible. He knew Johnny would make the wait worth it. Taeyong rocked forward onto his knees and made his way over to the edge of the bed where Johnny was standing. He leaned forward, his face perfectly level with Johnny’s chest. Tentatively he placed one hand on the lower part of Johnny's stomach before lightly moving it upwards, fingers skimming over Johnny's abs. The overwhelming urge to place his lips back upon the man in front of him pushed him forward with more confidence. Taeyong used one hand to brace himself as he placed a single kiss on Johnny’s chest. Taeyong kissed up- once, twice, softly brushing his nose against Johnny's left pec. He pushed Johnny’s shirt open to place more kisses. He crept closer to Johnny’s collarbone where he playfully left a small bite. Johnny stepped forward, knees hitting the edge of the bed and a breathy moan coming out of his mouth. Taeyong had never felt as powerful as he did knowing he was making Johnny feel some type of way. Johnny grabbed the back of Taeyong’s head, slightly holding him as Taeyong continued to leave kisses and marks on Johnny. Johnny lightly pulled back on Taeyong’s hair, forcing him to look up into Johnny’s eyes.

“Tell me what you want,” Johnny said softly but with authority. Taeyong licked his lips and swallowed. Pushing up on his knees, he pulled Johnny into another kiss.

Slightly pulling away with their lips still touching Taeyong said, “You. All I’ve ever wanted is you.”

He pulled away and Johnny followed like he was trying to get another kiss but this time Taeyong was the one smirking. Johnny made a move to get out of his pants as fast as he could. Taeyong followed along desperate to know what it felt like to have their bare skin touching. He wanted Johnny to come closer so he could touch him anywhere, everywhere. The anticipation of the moment, of having wanted it for so long made Taeyong feel giddy. It was finally happening.

Johnny crawled onto the bed, a devilish look in his eyes as he looked Taeyong up and down.

“And you?” Taeyong asked.

“What about me?”

“What do you want?”

Johnny chuckled as he propped himself up above Taeyong. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Taeyong pulled Johnny forward by the hips, urging him to lay more of his weight on top of Taeyong. “I need you to say it.”

Johnny nodded, understanding shining in his eyes. “I want you too. Of course, I do.”

After being honest with one another there wasn’t any hesitancy in their movements. They allowed themselves to be greedy, to take as much as they wanted. Taeyong, well aware that his heart was already in the palm of Johnny’s hands, was ready to completely give himself over to Johnny.

Johnny, who was gentle but firm, asked and Taeyong gave. And when Johnny finally pushed inside, Taeyong was ruined. He knew there was no going back, that there was no undoing this, and there was definitely no other person that would ever compare to Johnny. It had been Johnny since the moment they met. And it would continue to be him every day after that.

Johnny was perfect. He felt perfect. Every move he made felt better than the one before. Taeyong couldn’t believe how good he felt, how Johnny seemed to know exactly what to do, where to touch, and how to pull Taeyong apart so beautifully. It was almost as if he could read Taeyong’s mind.

It wasn’t surprising to Taeyong that he was completely in love with Johnny. Of course, he was. Having Johnny that close just made it so he couldn’t remain ignorant of it anymore. And as soon as he accepted it fully it was right there on the tip of his tongue, he was awash in it, and he was about to let it jump right out of his mouth.

“Johnny,” he cried, arching upward, heels digging into Johnny’s back. “Oh God, I l-”

With a sweep of his tongue, Johnny pulled the words from Taeyong’s mouth into his own. He quickened his pace and Taeyong couldn’t even form words anymore. Nothing but sounds conveying the pleasure he was feeling. He was barely aware of himself and his volume, only trying to be quiet when he remembered other people, most importantly Johnny’s family, were in the house with them.

And when he let go Johnny followed along. The look in his eyes said everything he hadn’t yet said out loud. Taeyong couldn’t imagine feeling any happier than he felt wrapped in Johnny’s love.

 

The sun broke through the curtains washing Taeyong in its light and warmth. As he came to, a small smile spread across his face with the recollection of the events from the night before. He felt sore and a little achy, but mostly he felt loved. Way more than he could ever remember feeling before. He snuggled into the pillow, not even caring that he was about to full-on giggle. Taeyong could tell that he hadn’t woken up in Johnny’s arms, resting on his chest, legs intertwined like he had imagined before. He reached out to gently place his hand on the man he loved but much to his surprise he was met with nothing. His hand slapped down on the bed and a cold rush of terror swept over him. His head snapped to the right and his eyes shot open hoping he wouldn’t have to confirm his worst fear. Johnny wasn’t there.

He abruptly sat up, the covers pooling around his waist. Before peering around the room he rubbed at his eyes as if that would magically make Johnny appear. But even wishful thinking didn’t work. There was no trace of him from the night before. Not a tie nor a shoe on the floor. Nothing. If Taeyong weren’t feeling so upset he might have laughed at the image of Johnny hastily cleaning the floor of their clothes before running out of the room. There wasn’t a note to explain his absence. Taeyong even double-tapped the screen on his phone hoping it would light up with a message but deep down he knew it wouldn’t. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to call out for Johnny. He imagined that his voice would come out shaky, weak with the urge to cry. He also didn’t want to be met with silence when Johnny didn’t answer.

Swallowing hard enough to push the lump in his throat away, he swung his legs off the bed before leaning over and taking in deep breaths. He knew he was spiraling, but it was hard to stop the spiral after it had already started. He almost expected that Johnny wouldn’t be there when he woke up. Did Johnny leave because he got what he wanted? He had told Taeyong everything that he needed to hear, convinced Taeyong that he could trust him, and Taeyong had handed over his heart because he was so sure that Johnny wouldn’t crush it between his strong fingers.

He stood up on shaky legs and took a deep breath. He tried not to feel dirty, he tried not to feel ashamed, he tried not to feel embarrassed. There had to be a reason why Johnny wasn’t there. Taeyong knew that he needed to trust Johnny. Despite everything, he had to trust that everything was okay. Swallowing away his worries, he walked over to the bathroom. His mother once told him that there was nothing that couldn’t be solved with a hot shower. He’d use the fifteen minutes under the water to wash all the dark thoughts away before figuring out if he had been played the fool or not.

 

When Taeyong had thought about the car ride back he had had high hopes that it would be much better than the ride out. As soon as things started changing between the two of them, Taeyong started imagining how much fun they would have on the trip back to Seoul. He figured they would blast music, stop for snacks at some obscure roadside convenience store, and maybe he’d finally have Johnny’s hand intertwined with his as the wind whipped through his hair. But when he woke up and Johnny wasn’t next to him all of those hopes felt so out of reach.

The shower had provided the perfect amount of noise to drown out his crying, but it did nothing to solve his problems or stop the spiraling. After getting ready to go, he pulled the bedroom door open and walked headfirst into the strong, hard chest of the man currently occupying his thoughts. Johnny grunted at the impact and quickly slid his free hand around Taeyong’s waist, pulling him in tight.

“Good morning, baby. I was beginning to wonder when you were going to come downstairs.”

With a sigh of relief, he tucked his face in the crook of Johnny’s neck. He stayed there with his nose pressed against Johnny’s skin somehow afraid to step back as if he was wrapped up in a shower-induced daydream and he wouldn’t be able to tell if this was real or not. He took a deep breath and pressed a light kiss on his neck before stepping away.

Johnny was smiling at him like he was the world and that was almost enough to push all of his worries out of his brain. He was here. He hadn’t left like Taeyong thought he had. Based on the look on his face, the unwavering smile and the shine in his eyes, and him calling Taeyong ‘baby’ made Taeyong almost certain that everything was fine. He had spiraled for no reason.

“I brought you coffee. Thought that would help you wake up.”

Taeyong just nodded. He didn’t trust that his voice wouldn’t waver and he definitely didn’t trust that his hands wouldn’t shake.

“Are you okay?” Johnny asked, brows furrowed in concern.

“I am now.”

Johnny smiled softly and leaned forward to kiss Taeyong even softer. “I kind of need you to come down for breakfast. There’s something I need to do and you should be present for it.”

Taeyong, feeling overwhelmed, hadn’t even thought about food. Johnny had mentioned something the previous day about breakfast with the family in the morning before they drove back to Seoul. That must’ve been where Johnny was when Taeyong woke up. He had been so in his own head that he hadn’t even thought about it.

Taeyong took a deep breath and put all of his anxiety in a box to discuss with Johnny later. Johnny led him downstairs and into the kitchen where he was met with the happy faces of Johnny’s mom and dad and what looked like the back of Johnny’s cousin, Donghyuck in front of the coffee pot.

“Oh, Donghyuck,” Johnny said. “I’m glad you’re here.”

He scoffed and turned around to bring his mug to his place at the table. “As if I would miss Auntie’s famous pancakes.”

Taeyong just laughed and settled in. A plate was set out for him with steaming pancakes covered in cinnamon apples. His mouth watered at the sight and he smiled at the memories the pancakes brought back up. It felt so right to be sitting at the table with his family eating Mrs. Suh’s pancakes again after all of this time.

“Where’s Jess?” Taeyong asked.

“They left for their honeymoon last night. It’s okay though. She told me she already knows.”

“Knows what?”

Johnny didn’t answer him. Taeyong didn’t like that.

“Johnny, what does she know?”

Still no response. Taeyong nervously chuckled and dug his fork into his pancakes.

“So, Johnny, what did you so desperately need to tell us this morning?” his dad asked as he took a sip of his own coffee.

Johnny adjusted in his chair multiple times and wiped his hands up and down his pant legs. Taeyong’s stomach started flipping like the pancakes probably had that morning. He had a good inkling of what Johnny was about to tell his family. He reached over and grabbed Johnny’s hand and squeezed it, hoping it would give Johnny the courage he needed.

“I’ve been lying.”

“What are you talking about John?” His mother asked with a confused look on her face. No parent wants to hear that their child has been lying to them about anything.

“I didn’t transfer to Neo City for Taeyong. I transferred because I was failing at Chicago.” Johnny paused, giving his parents a second to let the confession sink in before continuing. “I couldn’t keep up with the curriculum and no matter what I did I couldn’t find my footing. Maybe if circumstances were different I could have tried harder but even the environment was unsuitable for me. I was depressed and scared to reach out and I knew that the only thing I could do was come back. And then I felt even worse about failing and needing to come back home. I couldn’t tell anyone. You kept asking why I wanted to come back home and when I wouldn’t actually answer your question you assumed it had something to do with Taeyong. I saw an easy way out and I took it.”

Johnny took a deep breath. No one said anything and Taeyong was scared to even pick his fork back up and continue to eat for worry that a single scrap of his fork against the plate would shatter the spell Johnny’s confession had cast over the dining room. He looked over at Donghyuck whose fork had dropped onto the floor as Johnny had been speaking. With eyes unblinking and mouth dropped, Donghyuck looked just as betrayed as Taeyong assumed he felt. He knew how important Johnny was to Donghyuck, how he considered him his role model, and he knew that Johnny lying to him about something so important for so long was devastating.

“After I started at Neo City and everything evened out, I was happy again and you stopped asking questions. The longer time went on the harder it was to come clean and then with the wedding, I knew I couldn’t say anything until after the wedding was over. I’m sorry I lied. I should have told everyone the truth from the beginning.”

“Wait,” Donghyuck spoke up. “I don’t understand. You failed and came back to Korea. I get that part, but what does waiting to tell the truth have to do with the wedding?”

“Taeyong and I weren’t friends after I left for Chicago. We never recovered after our fight. I asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend this weekend and the plan was to tell everyone we broke up after.”

“So why are you confessing to everything now?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do. And,” Johnny turned towards Taeyong with a smile on his face for the first time since they sat down to eat. “This weekend helped us figure everything out. Now we don’t have to fake it, because it’s actually real this time.”

Taeyong could feel the fond smile grow on his face.

A screeching of chair legs on the wooden floor made Taeyong look away. Donghyuck had abruptly left the room. Johnny looked torn. Was he supposed to follow Donghyuck or talk to his parents? Taeyong thought maybe he could comfort Donghyuck, but at the same time, he knew that it would make more sense if it was Johnny who took care of his mess.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell us, John,” his mother said making the choice for him.

“All my life you’ve been comparing me to Jess. Wondering why I couldn’t get grades like hers, why I couldn’t be the valedictorian, why I couldn’t be in the music program and multiple sports at the same time. I’ve never been like her and it killed you. That pressure you put on me drove me thousands of miles away just so I could prove something to you. And then I failed and I knew you were right. How was I supposed to further disappoint you? You gave me such an easy way out assuming I was this big romantic that longed to come back home to my boyfriend. I had to pretend. But the weight of the lies has been wearing me down and I just can’t do it anymore. My life is working out and I feel like any success doesn’t even matter anymore, not when I finally have Taeyong back. My own happiness is more important than making sure you are proud of me. So yeah, that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” his father said.

“No, he’s right honey,” Mrs. Suh said with a hand in Johnny’s father’s direction. “I’m disappointed you didn’t tell us the truth. And that you both pretended to be together this weekend. I can’t lie about that. But if you’re happy that’s all that should matter. I should’ve known that something was wrong when you were struggling. I’m sorry I was such a big factor in making you feel so pressured. You’re so brave for taking your life into your own hands and repairing what was broken all on your own.”

Johnny was stiff as his mom took some of the weight off of his shoulders. He was probably so sure that his parents were just going to be disappointed, maybe cry, maybe yell, but not actually take any accountability for their actions.

Johnny nodded and his mom stood up. Taeyong kept his eyes on her as she rounded the corner and pulled her son into a hug. The sound of a small sob wrenched out of Johnny’s mouth the second he relaxed into her touch.
“I’m sorry my sweet boy. You do make me proud and I should’ve told you before.”

Taeyong, appetite gone, stood up to give them a moment alone.

 

“Donghyuck?” Taeyong called out, walking into the barn. He figured the boy would be somewhere no one could find him as he worked through everything Johnny had confessed.

A messy mop of brown curls peeked out from behind the altar that was still standing at the back of the barn. “Taeyong?”

“I’m sorry I’m not Johnny.”

Donghyuck just sighed and moved back out of sight. Taeyong took it upon himself to join him. He sat down gingerly next to Donghyuck.

“How are you doing?”

“Frustrated.”

“Understandably so.”

“How could you forgive him?”

“It’s easy. I love him.”

Donghyuck turned to look at Taeyong, an owl-like look on his face. “You do?”

“I always have. I was mad at him for so long. Literally, just a few days ago I could barely look at him without wanting to choke him, and not in a sexy way.”

That brought a chuckle out of Donghyuck. Taeyong took the silence as his invitation to continue. “We had a lot to talk about and a lot to continue to work through, but he’s back in my life and he promised to treat me right so I’m going to work on trusting him and focus on my love for him. He’s sort of it for me, you know.”

Donghyuck nodded. “I know how that feels. I really thought Johnny was this romantic who made this huge gesture to be with his soulmate and that really pushed me to confess to Mark. I wouldn’t have gotten over myself if I had known.”

“I don’t think that’s true at all,” Johnny’s voice came from behind them.

Donghyuck and Taeyong turned around in shock and Taeyong jumped to his feet.

“How much of that did you hear?”

The way Johnhy’s eyes sparkled told Taeyong the answer to that question. He had heard enough. He pulled Taeyong into a hug, a warm arm wrapped around his waist, and placed a kiss on his forehead.

“You’re sort of it for me, too.”

“You okay?” was all Taeyong could choke out.

“I will be,” Johnny nodded and gestured for Taeyong to give Johnny and his cousin some alone time. Taeyong took the hint and went to pack the trunk of the car.

 

Taeyong took his time to pack the car. He was grateful that their bags were already ready to go. Taeyong grabbed the bags and walked downstairs, prepared to run into Johnny’s family. He wasn’t sure how that was going to go after the confession and whatever happened between Johnny and his parents when he left the room.

Just when he thought he was in the clear he heard Johnny’s mom calling out for him. “Taeyong. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay, Mrs. Suh. It’s just been a long weekend. Ready for my own bed, you know?” He cleared his throat and forced a smile onto his face that would be convincing enough.

She pulled Taeyong into a hug. “I am really happy that you and Johnny worked through everything.” Mrs. Suh pulled away, hands still gripped onto Taeyong’s shoulders. “Give your mom my love.”

With a promise that he would, he watched her go back into the kitchen. He felt grateful that the confession didn’t make her look at him differently for lying to her face for the whole weekend. He was more ready than ever to get back to campus.

 

Taeyong only had to wait about ten minutes for Johnny to bound out to the car sliding sunglasses onto his face. Johnny settled into his seat, rambling about which one of his playlists they could listen to on the way back and where they should stop for lunch. Taeyong felt the smile grow on his face the more Johnny spoke. Johnny handed his phone to Taeyong and pulled out of the driveway. Taeyong picked a playlist and turned back to watch Johnny as he started to drive away from the house.

“Are you going to tell me how things with Donghyuck went?” Johnny’s hands fidgeted with the cover on the steering wheel. “You don’t have to if it’s too personal.”

“It’s not too personal. I don’t want to keep anything from you anyway.”

Taeyong reached over to place his hand on Johnny’s thigh, trying to ground him and settle whatever storm was brewing in his head. “I apologized and explained myself further. I told him that things would have worked out with Mark with or without my grand gesture because that guy is just as crazy about him as he is. I’m not so sure he believes me but at least he trusts that Mark loves him. And Hyuck and I will be okay. He just needs some time.”

“I’m proud of you for coming clean, Johnny.”

Johnny’s right hand slipped off the wheel to grab hold of Taeyong’s hand and squeeze. “I’m glad I did. Having that talk with my mom has made me feel so much lighter than I have in years. No more lying.”

So much had happened that morning. So many feelings, so many tears. When Taeyong woke up he had been so sure that the car ride back was going to be a disaster. He was sure that Johnny had been the bad guy. He was happy to have been proven wrong, but he also felt ashamed that he had thought badly of Johnny after everything, that he hadn’t trusted him, that he had been so insecure that he had let himself spiral that badly. And then Johnny had blown his mind with his confession and they had both basically told each other that they loved each other without saying it. He had a lot to process in his brain.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

Taeyong looked over at Johnny, a look of surprise on his face.

“Don’t act surprised by how well I can read you. You still process emotions the same,” Johnny said.

“I-” Taeyong started.

Johnny squeezed Taeyong’s hand once more and Taeyong intertwined their fingers. It was exactly what he needed to be able to tell Johnny everything that was going on in his mind. Johnny drove as he listened, eyes leaving the road a few times to check on Taeyong, his thumb brushing back and forth over Taeyong’s hand. Almost right away he apologized for not being there when Taeyong woke up.

“I should have waited. I’m so sorry I caused you to feel so bad.”

“I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions that quickly. Once the spiral starts,” Taeyong trailed off.

“It’s hard to stop it. Yeah, I get it,” Johnny finished. “I could smell my mom’s pancakes and thought it would be nice to help her while you were still sleeping. I prepared coffee so you could wake up to the smell, but I think I let time get away from me and when I came upstairs you were leaving the bedroom.”

Taeyong nodded at Johnny’s explanation. He told Taeyong that he cleaned up the clothes before he went downstairs so that they would be ready to go faster. Everything made sense and Taeyong wasn’t mad at all. He just felt silly. He said as much.

“You shouldn’t! It’s going to take time to fully trust me again. I understand that. But Taeyong I promise that I’m here. I’m right here and I don’t plan on going anywhere unless you tell me to.”

Taeyong felt reassured. It was exactly what he needed to hear. “You’re not allowed to leave ever again.”

Johnny brought their joined hands up to his lips, placing a kiss on the back of Taeyong’s hand. “I made that mistake once and I won’t ever make it again.”

Feeling better, and happier that he was able to communicate his feelings healthily, Taeyong asked about getting more coffee.

Johnny laughed. “Next time we stop for gas or the bathroom we can get coffee.”

 

The rest of the trip went by exactly as Taeyong had imagined it would. They blasted music, they got food, and Johnny’s hand never left his except for moments when he absolutely needed it to drive. The windows were rolled down enough for Taeyong to feel the wind in his hair. It was about as perfect as it was going to get. When they got back to Taeyong’s apartment he let out a little laugh.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Just thinking about how different things are from how they were when I was last at my apartment.”

Johnny laughed along with Taeyong. “Good different right?”

“Of course.” Taeyong smiled at Johnny before yanking him into a kiss. Johnny laughed into the kiss, deepening it.

“I’ll see you later handsome,” Taeyong said as he got his bag and moved to leave the car.

“Yeah you will,” Johnny responded with a wink.

 

August, one month after the wedding

Despite the fact that summer was in and school was out, the on-campus coffee shop was still open and the radio program was still running. Taeyong was grateful for the steady income and something to keep himself busy when he didn’t have schoolwork otherwise occupying his mind. Instead of thinking about all of the work he needed to do for his classes, he was absentmindedly making drinks and wiping tables while thinking about Johnny. He couldn’t stop thinking about their relationship or lack thereof. Taeyong didn’t understand what was going on and he was almost scared to ask Johnny about it. Things with Johnny had been progressing but at a stupidly slow pace. It was almost driving Taeyong crazy.

They had already had sex for fuck’s sake and yet Johnny still hadn’t asked Taeyong out on a proper date. At this point he was ready to ask Johnny himself, but damn after everything he had sort of hoped that Johnny would be the one to take the lead.

“What are you sighing about today Taeyong?” Ten asked from behind him as he brought out the newest batch of cookies for the display.

“It’s always a guy isn’t it?”

“What’s that fucker doing now?” Doyoung stomped over to the counter.

Taeyong looked up with wide eyes at the sound of his best friend’s voice all of a sudden appearing in the cafe. “Doyoung, what are you doing here right now?”

“Boss’s only client canceled today so he gave me the day off,” Doyoung said as he pulled out his wallet.

Taeyong rang in his usual order and held out his hand for Doyoung’s card.

“Enough about me. How did Johnny fuck up this time?”

“He didn’t fuck up per se. He’d have to do something to fuck up.”

“You can definitely fuck up a relationship but not doing anything,” Ten muttered.

Taeyong kept making Doyoung’s order, blatantly ignoring the look he knew his best friend was giving him. “Do I need to have words with this guy?”

“No. It needs to be me. We promised we would communicate better with one another and me holding all of this in isn’t healthy for anyone.”

Taeyong watched Doyoung take a sip of his coffee with a look of contentment on his face. “That’s a damn good idea.”

“It’s just hard, you know? I really envisioned him being the one to make the moves and sweep me off my feet after all that we’ve been through.”

Doyoung nodded and abruptly turned around as if to leave the cafe.

“Hey! Where are you going now?” Taeyong called out after him.

Doyoung waved a dismissive hand. “I have something to take care of. I’ll text you!”

Taeyong had a bad feeling about Doyoung’s thing he so desperately had to take care of all of a sudden, but he figured he would let it go for now. It would most likely be entertaining so he would let it play out.

***

Johnny had just sat down at the table in his studio when a knocking on the glass across from him made him jump out of his chair. He looked up from where he was sprawled out on the floor to see an annoyed-looking Doyoung gesturing for him to come into the control room. His show wasn’t set to go live for another five minutes so he hoped that whatever Doyoung had to say was important and quick.

“What’s going on Doyoung?”

“I don’t have your side of the story, but according to Taeyong, you are already fucking up. You need to fix it.”

“Hi to you too. So nice to see you again. I was fine but now I’m confused as hell, thanks for asking.”

“Johnny, I don’t think either one of us has the time for this. Let me put it to you straight. Taeyong’s in love with you. And I would bet anything you feel the same.”

“Of course I do. I mean we haven’t explicitly said so to one another yet. But wait, what do you mean? We’re taking things slow.”

“John. That’s exactly why. You need to go make a move or something. I suggest a grand gesture.”

Johnny felt his heart stop. “Taeyong thinks I am fucking things up because I haven’t asked him out on a date yet?”

Doyoung just raised an eyebrow in response. Johnny felt confused. They hadn’t said they were going to take things slow, but Johnny thought it was implied after everything. Taeyong needed time to trust Johnny again and he thought that it was wise to let things happen naturally. He wanted to find the right time to ask Taeyong out on a date when neither of them was so busy with their jobs, but the more time he let pass the harder it became to ask. He could understand why Taeyong was feeling a certain type of way about it. He guessed maybe he wasn’t so confused after all. It was pretty clear what he needed to do. An idea popped into his head and a devilish grin spread across his face.

“How long will it take you to go to the cafe and make sure the radio is turned onto my station?”

***

It had been thirty minutes since Doyoung suddenly left the cafe and Taeyong hadn’t noticed the world shifting on its axis. Yet. Whatever chaos Doyoung had created remained to be seen. Taeyong was in the back mindlessly scrolling on his phone when the front bell jingled and he heard the soothing voice of his best friend once again. He poked his head out curiously.

“You’re back?”

“Do you have Johnny’s station turned on?”

Taeyong narrowed his eyes. “What did you do, Doyoung?”

“You’ll see. Just turn it on.”

With a sigh, Taeyong made sure the speaker in the cafe was tuned into Johnny’s station.

***

“Welcome to another episode of Johnny’s Communication Center. It’s me, your one and only, Johnny Suh. It’s a bright and beautiful sunny day in Seoul. The birds are humming, the sun is shining, and there isn’t a cloud in the sky today.”

Taeyong bit his lip to stop himself from smiling. Johnny was so cheesy sometimes. But Taeyong liked that about him. His many listeners liked that about him too. There were patrons in the cafe working on various things, but as soon as Johnny did his usual opening line they perked up and started listening to whatever cheesy line Johnny was going to say next. Doyoung had sat down behind the counter on a stool usually reserved for the cashier and he kept flitting his eyes from the speaker to Taeyong as if he was expecting something. Taeyong had a good idea of what was coming next but he didn’t want to get his hopes up on the off chance he was wrong.

“I, however, am not having the perfect day. You see there’s this guy. A perfect, wonderful, beautiful guy and I think I might have messed things up with him. We were best friends in high school but then I made some bad decisions and now we’ve worked things out and he’s back in my life. All these years, before everything, through everything, and even after everything, I’ve been so head over heels in love with him. I thought he knew. I thought it went without saying. I was wrong. I do need to say it. I need to shout it. And clearly, I need to express it to everyone listening to my radio show,” Johnny said with a chuckle. “Taeyong, I hope you’re listening right now or else I am spilling my heart out to my listeners for no reason.” Johnny sighed shakily.

Taeyong could feel the patrons in the cafe turn and look at him at the sound of his name being spoken from Johnny’s mouth but all Taeyong could focus on was the rushing sound of his quickened heartbeat in his own ears. He swallowed and closed his eyes, hoping Johnny would continue even if he didn’t have confirmation that Taeyong was listening.

“I love you so much Taeyong. I’m sorry I haven’t told you yet and I’m sorry I haven’t properly asked you on a date. Please will you do me the honor of letting me sweep you off your feet tonight? Or tomorrow? Whenever you’re free really.”

There were chuckles in the cafe and one person yelling that Taeyong better say yes.

Taeyong laughed and dared a look at Doyoung, who was sporting a Cheshire grin on his face. ‘This is your fault, isn’t it?’ he mouthed. Doyoung just nodded vigorously, smile never dropping.

“Can you call me or something? In the meantime, while I wait for Taeyong’s response, I’ll play his favorite song. Wish me luck, everybody!”

As soon as Taeyong’s favorite song started playing, Taeyong grabbed his phone and dialed Johnny’s number.

“Please tell me you’re calling because you listened and not just because you have crazy weird timing?”

“Doyoung is a good best friend, huh?”

Johnny laughed. “Yeah, he is.”

“So you love me?”

“Can the next time I say that actually be to your face?”

“You better pick me up right as I get off my shift at 6 tonight. I’m ready for you to, how did you phrase it? Oh yeah, ‘sweep me off my feet.’”

“Oh thank fuck.”

 

Things were far from being perfect between Johnny and Taeyong. But they were working on it. Taeyong couldn’t stop looking at his fingers interlaced with Johnny’s as they walked down the pier. The eerie sense of deja vu made his head spin. The last time the two of them had been at the beach was the winter before everything changed. Taeyong had been secretly in love with Johnny and ready for the next four years of their lives, not knowing that his entire world was about to flip on its head. He could have never predicted that all of the plans he had made in his head would be irrelevant and that this is how things would have ended up. Funny enough, he wasn’t even upset about it. There was no point when Johnny and he had decided that they needed to trust one another and stop dwelling on the past. At least it definitely made for a funny story.

Johnny tugged Taeyong’s hand, leading him to the end of the pier to the wooden railing that looked out onto the water.

“Do you remember the last time we were here together?” Johnny asked as if he was reading Taeyong’s mind.

“I was just thinking about it actually.”

“I wanted to tell you that day about applying to Chicago. I should have.”

“What did I say about the past?” Taeyong turned his body to face Johnny’s. He placed a hand on Johnny’s cheek and turned his face away from the water so that he could look Taeyong in the eyes.

“It’s in the past.”

“Which is where it needs to stay. There’s no point in wondering what if and feeling regretful. Things worked out how they were supposed to. And now look at us. We’re here, together, on a date.”

Johnny nodded. He wrapped his hand around Taeyong’s wrist and placed a soft kiss on his palm. “You’re right.”

“You should get used to saying those words. I’m hardly ever wrong.”

Johnny’s laugh filled the silence, sweeping into the space between Taeyong’s ribs and squeezing his heart. “Some things never change.”

“Like me being right?”

Johnny nodded. “Yeah and my love for you.”

“I hope that never changes.”

Johnny tucked Taeyong into him. “It won’t.”

“Sometimes you can be right too.”

This time when Taeyong leaned his head back for a kiss Johnny gave it with a promise on his lips. One he knew he would work his hardest to stay true to. Johnny loved Taeyong then and he would love him now.

Notes:

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