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From the transcript of “Frenchie Finds Out” Season 3, Episode 9, “Nessie Darling.”
Frenchie: And before we go, it brings me no end of joy to announce that we have our first hater! John, play me a sound.
A soundboard plays a clip of a cheering crowd.
Frenchie: Cheers. It seems I have attracted the notice of the one and only Professor Israel Hands, professor of American history at none other than New York University! After listening to my episode about witch’s ladder spells, he posted on the site formerly known as Twitter but I’m going to keep calling it Twitter because X is stupid: “One of my students thought the witch’s ladders episode of @FrenchieFindsOut would be interesting but this idiot thinks they’re about WEREWOLVES.” He then goes on a… A pause as he counts …twelve tweet thread pointing out where I went wrong in excruciating detail. Folks, this guy is a fucking professor at fucking NYU. I’m so flattered! Professor Hands, come on the pod!
Outro music: “Black Magic Woman,” covered by Santana.
An email to Professor Israel Hands, Tuesday:
Subject: Be a guest on my podcast
Dear Professor Hands,
My name is Milo French, though you probably know me better as Frenchie from the podcast “Frenchie Finds Out.” I saw your tweets about my Witch’s Ladders episode and I gotta say, ouch, mate, that’s rude.
Seriously though, I respect the work you do debunking predatory fake psychics and quack cures. As someone who grew up in a faith healing church, I know exactly how much damage they can do to vulnerable people.
I’d like to invite you to be a guest on my podcast. I think my listeners would get a kick out of your investigations, especially your beautiful takedown of that psychic medium last year. I won’t make you agree with me. In fact, this is an open invitation to come on and disagree with me as much as you like.
I usually record on Thursdays to release episodes on Mondays, but I can work with your schedule.
Every time I have a guest, I donate $1 for each paying member of my Patreon (currently over 200 people) to the charity of my guest’s choice. If you’d like to come on, please send me the name and website of your favorite charity and I’ll provide a receipt.
All the best,
Frenchie
A reply to [email protected], Wednesday:
Subject: Re: Be a guest on my podcast
Dear Mr. French,
Thank you for your email and inviting me onto your podcast. I have to say, I respect you for reaching out to a critic. Still, my answer is no.
Sincerely,
Prof. Hands
Professor Israel Hands
He/Him/His
College of Arts and Science, New York University
From the transcript of “Frenchie Finds Out” Season 3, Episode 10, “Half-Hanged Mary Webster”
Frenchie: Before we go, friends of the pod, our friend and sound editor John has just sent me a little message. John, what do you have for me?
John Feeney, sound editor: Your number one fan is back at it on Twitter.
Frenchie: Hell yes. Doesn't it feel great to have a hater?
John: He's an entertaining one, at least, the angry little fecker.
Frenchie: He says: “I can’t believe I have to explain to students that NO, the Loch Ness Monster was not seeded on Earth by the Ascended Masters of Sirius in an attempt to breed dinosaur/alien hybrids. Where the fuck does he even get this?” Well, Professor Hands, you would know if you came on the pod!
From the transcript of “Frenchie Finds Out” Season 3, Episode 11, “2024 Psychic Predictions”
Frenchie: So to summarize, ladies, gentlemen, and nonbinary cryptids of the pod, according to several of the most prolific psychics on the internet, we have the following predictions for things happening in 2024! One, 2024 will be the year humanity finally transcends the fourth dimension and passes into the fifth. Two, 2024 will be the year humanity finally transcends all dimensions and enters into the eleventh, where we will be beyond space, time, and pain.
John: Not sure how that one works.
Frenchie: We’re skipping dimensions this year, I guess. So that’s great news!
John: Sure.
Frenchie: Three, the theme of 2024 is “Destruction Lust.”
John: Whatever that means.
Frenchie: Mate, I spent twenty minutes telling – never mind. And finally four, this is the year the red panda, springbok, and jerboa will all go extinct.
John: Are any of those endangered?
Frenchie: I’m still not convinced that red pandas are even real, but some species of jerboa are endangered, if you believe Wikipedia.
John: Save the jerboa!
Frenchie: So there you have it! Happy 2024, everybody!
John: Wait, not yet.
Frenchie: Right! We have new hate Tweets from my number one fan! Professor Israel Hands is back at it again. After our last episode, he tweeted, He clears his throat, and when he speaks again, he affects a posh British accent, “@FrenchieFindsOut hit a new low with his ridiculous retelling of the Mary Webster story. I can’t fucking believe I have to say that she wasn’t hiding a chupacabra in her house. Fuck’s sake.” He returns to his usual voice. He then proceeded to write what looks like an entire very angry essay in tweets, in which he says “fuck” eleven times and calls me a twat twice. Professor Hands, you’re welcome to come on the pod and tell me what you think happened, but until then… I know what my sources said.
A tweet from @SassyScribe:
Anyone else think @FrenchieFindsOut’s obsession with this NYU professor sounds like the start of a fanfic? Anyone? No? Just me then.
Comments on the Frenchie Finds Out Patreon:
Sara: Hey man, why are you trying so hard to get this Hands guy on the podcast? He kinda sounds like an asshole.
Marc: Yeah, he would be a real buzzkill.
Tommy: Maybe focus on getting guests who would have real information? Linda Moulton Howe will appear on anything, and she has the history and research experience to back it up.
Ebony: I don’t know about the rest of you but I think he’d be HILARIOUS.
Alejandro: For what it’s worth he was my history professor five years ago and I would LOVE to hear Frenchie destroy him. He’s just as much of a jackass as he sounds like on Twitter.
From the transcript of “Frenchie Finds Out” Season 3, Episode 12, “Why Cats Are Evil”
Frenchie: I’m sorry, are you not aware of the mass distribution system where a fluffy four-legged “friendly creature” “randomly” decides it lives in YOUR HOUSE? Why? Why would such a thing “randomly” exist? The answer, my friends, is intelligence gathering!
Sound Effect: DUN DUN DUN!
Frenchie: Cats have been a part of domestic life since the earliest written history. In Egypt, they were regarded as divine beings and given places of honor. And which brilliant political movers and shakers happened to make their home in Egypt during the height of their power?
Sound effect: a majestic blast of horns like they’re announcing a king at a Renaissance festival.
Frenchie: Julius Caesar and Cleopatra! That’s right folks, the cats were running their shadow empire even as far back as the reign of Cleopatra! They had their sneaky little paws in households, temples, and palaces all over the Egyptian Empire, sharing information between themselves and ensuring their place of power above all humans.
Sound effect: a spooky wavering effect like something out of the X Files.
Frenchie: Their infiltration continues to this day! An estimated forty-six million American households have at least one pet cat, and cat owners are often encouraged to bring in more than one. They may SAY it’s for company, but we all know it’s to increase the number of ears in your household. These fluffy spies infiltrate your home, pretend to sleep all the time and be cute, while all the while they’re listening to every word you say!
Sound effect: the opening bars of the “Pink Panther” theme song.
Frenchie: And when the intelligence does not flow as much as they want, they find ways to make you stay home, spilling more secrets into their fuzzy little ears. That’s right, the shadow empire with its cat distribution system is behind so many of the great distractions of the modern world: television, Facebook, and ESPECIALLY TikTok. Why do you think cat photos are so popular on social media? It’s because CATS INVENTED THE INTERNET!
Bumper Music: “The Internet is Made of Cats”
Ad break: Technically an ad for Blue Apron, but Frenchie abandons the ad copy after the second sentence and instead decides to see how many food puns he can come up with in a minute.
Frenchie: Before we go, everyone, I’m bringing you another installment of my new favorite segment: Mean Tweets from Professor Hands! John, we have got to get a sound effect for that. Maybe his own theme song.
John: You’re on your own, luv.
Frenchie: You’re no fun. Anyway, this week Professor Hands took umbrage with my predictions for 2024. I won’t read them all because the language gets a little blue even for me, but safe to say he doesn’t agree that 2024 is going to be the year we ascend into the eleventh dimension. It’s… gotta be honest, mate, it’s a little harsh.
A long pause.
Frenchie, clearly hoping to start shit: You’re just jealous you’re still stuck in the fourth dimension.
A tweet thread from @ProfessorIvanKhan:
1/3: History students have learned that if they ask @ProfessorIsraelHands about @FrenchieFindsOut, it derails class for no less than 20 minutes.
2/3: His most recent diversion (read: rant) was about how witch trials were used as a means of social control against poor, unmarried, or unpopular women, and ended with him assigning Margaret Atwood’s poem about Mary Webster.
3/3: On the one hand, he's my friend and I worry about his blood pressure. On the other hand, this is the funniest thing to happen in the arts and sciences school in a long time.
Bonus 4/3: I'm getting warnings about "social media policy" and "gossiping about co-faculty." I have tenure. Come at me.
From the transcript of “Frenchie Finds Out” Season 3, Episode 13, “Bending Spoons for Fun and Profit”
Frenchie: Friends of the pod, it is with great pleasure that I bring you this week’s new Mean Tweets from Professor Hands! Professor Hands weighed in on my – and I cannot stress this enough – completely real and well-researched evidence about why cats are evil, friends of witches, and dangerous to children and the unwary.
John: I still think you’re being a baby.
Frenchie: They have knives in their feet, John. Knives. In. Their. Feet.
John, in the tone of a well-worn argument: You’re just mad because Muffin made you sneeze so hard you fell off the couch.
Frenchie: She tried to kill me.
John, exasperated: Whatever.
Frenchie: Our dear Professor Hands went on a long and passionate defense of black cats, citing statistics about the disproportionate number of black cats that are abandoned in shelters and how often they’re injured or killed by humans. He goes on like that for fifteen tweets.
John, stunned: That’s… intense.
Frenchie: Gotta be honest, mate, this is starting to feel like flirting.
An email to Professor Israel Hands, two hours after the episode premieres:
Subject: Seriously mate, come on my podcast
Dear Professor Hands,
Look, we can keep playing this game, or you can come on my podcast. I will repeat both my offer to let you disagree with me as much as you want, and to donate to a charity of your choice. No, I am not above bribery.
Frenchie
A reply to [email protected], the next day:
Subject: Re: Seriously dude, come on my podcast
Dear Mr. French,
Thank you again for inviting me on your podcast. Several of my students are listeners and seem to enjoy it, though I do not appreciate being asked to explain why witch’s ladders protect their creators against werewolves.
You did – and I hesitate to admit this – bring up some good points in your episode about psychic predictions. I would be open to discussing how people can detect fraud and protect themselves from scams.
I can record with you next Thursday between classes. I have the hours from noon to 2pm free if that time works for you.
My charity of choice is the Food Bank For New York City.
Sincerely,
Prof. Hands
Professor Israel Hands
He/Him/His
College of Arts and Science, New York University
An email to Professor Israel Hands, less than ten minutes later:
Dear Professor Hands,
Subject: Re: Seriously dude, come on my podcast
Next Thursday at 12 noon is perfect. I have included a Zoom link and attached the receipt email from the food bank. I look forward to arguing with you about psychics.
Best,
Frenchie
A text from Izzy Hands to Ivan Khan, Wednesday, 3:47pm
Stop encouraging my students to listen to that podcast. Now they’re asking me to bend spoons with my mind.
From Ivan, 3:49pm
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
From Izzy, 3:51pm
I hate you.
From the transcript of “Frenchie Finds Out” Season 3, Episode 14, “Grief Vampire.”
Intro music: “Radio Ga Ga” by Queen.
Frenchie: Welcome back to Frenchie Finds Out, episode... I don't know, I've lost track. But more importantly, listeners, I have a real treat for you today. With me today is none other than my number one hater, Professor Israel Hands!
Prof. Hands, flatly: Hello.
An awkward pause while Frenchie waits for more.
Frenchie: Gotta give them a little more to work with, Professor. Anyway, listeners, as I mentioned a few episodes ago, Professor Hands teaches American history at NYU. His interest is primarily in the folklore, traditions, and folk magic of the early American colonies. Professor Hands – can I call you Izzy?
Prof. Hands: No.
Frenchie: Izzy’s also made a name for himself as a prominent skeptic who researches religious scams, faith healers, psychics, and other predatory practices in faith and New Age communities. His amazing takedown of the psychic Roger Hickman went viral last year. We’ll play a clip later in the episode because it’s fucking incredible. His supporters say he’s an excellent researcher and that his deadpan is so dead it requires its own field of archeology. His detractors say he’s a total stick in the mud and needs to lighten the fuck up.
Izzy: Hey –
Frenchie, not pausing: That was me, to be fair. He’s also an activist for trans rights and has been caught on camera punching skinheads in the face, throwing eggs at a homophobic Senator, and starting a street brawl with counter protesters at a Pride parade, and is suspected of organizing a series of attacks against right-wing hate websites that resulted in all their links becoming Rick Rolls for seventy-two hours. I feel like I’m in the presence of a legend. Izzy, welcome to the pod!
Izzy: For legal reasons, I’ve never hit anyone.
Frenchie: Of course not! Silly me. Now, Izzy, when you’re not busy being INCREDIBLY mean to me on Twitter, you're known for your work unmasking fake psychics and mediums. You've shown up at their live shows and volunteered yourself for readings and messages from the great beyond. Your greatest hits include telling Chris Dufresne --
Izzy, interjecting smoothly: For reference, that's Sylvia Browne's son.
Frenchie: Yeah, Sylvia Browne was one of the OG television psychics. She was known for her raspy voice and no-nonsense delivery.
Izzy: If by "no-nonsense" you mean she lacked all compassion when she told parents of missing kids that they'd been murdered, then sure.
Frenchie: Right. You met her son, Chris, and he predicted that your wife would get pregnant within the year.
Izzy, dryly: Surprised the hell out of me.
Frenchie, prompting: Because...
Izzy: I'm not married, for starters.
Frenchie: So let's talk about some of your other experiences. A couple of years ago you published an article about Roger Hickman after attending one of his live shows and getting a reading. You posted a video and it was all over the skeptical internet for a week. John, roll the clip!
An audio clip begins. The sound is noticeably lower quality than the rest of the podcast, as if someone was recording on their phone in a large room full of people.
Hickman: The spirit is talking about the love you have for a child. Do you have any children?
Izzy, flatly: No.
Hickman: Are you sure? Because the spirit is telling me that you might. Maybe one you don’t know about? Some men do!
Izzy, even more flatly, if that’s possible: Well seeing as I’m trans, I would know. I would have been there.
The crowd erupts in laughter. End of clip.
Frenchie: Fucking brilliant. Funniest shit I’ve ever heard.
Izzy: You think he would have seen that coming.
Frenchie, delighted: Did you just make a joke?
Izzy: No.
Frenchie: You, sir, are a terrible liar, but I'll let it go for now because I have to ask: you’ve been a thorn in Hickman’s side for close to ten years now. You’re like a little terrier with a rat.
Izzy: Hey –
Frenchie, cheerfully speaking over him: So why him specifically?
Izzy: He’s a cunt.
Another long, expectant pause as Frenchie waits for him to explain.
Frenchie: Mate, I told you, gotta give the listeners more to work with. Care to elaborate?
Izzy: How much can I swear?
Frenchie: We have an 18+ rating, so go to fucking town.
Izzy: Right. Hickman, like I said, is a cunt. He’s a fucking grief vampire of the worst fucking sort. I… Look, if someone wants to pay a psychic $50 to tell them that their loved one is happy and safe in the afterlife, that’s on them. I’m not going to stop them. But Hickman pretends he can help parents find their missing children. He exploits desperate people who deserve better. It’s fucking despicable.
Frenchie: So you go to his shows and make him look like an ass?
Izzy: Well punching people gets me in trouble –
Frenchie: Allegedly punching people.
Izzy: Theoretically, punching people would get me in trouble, and I get thrown out if I heckle him, so I let him do most of the work for me.
Frenchie: Speaking of which, you recently coauthored an article titled “Roger Hickman Communicated with My Dead Grandfather and it Was a Clusterfuck.” You have an excellent way with titles.
Izzy: I wish I could take the credit, but my coauthor came up with it.
Frenchie: Yeah, tell me about your coauthor.
Izzy: Jim Jimenez is a former graduate student of mine. They grew up in a very strict faith community, which sparked an interest in the history of prophecy.
Frenchie: And they wrote a book recently, right? We’ll put it in the show notes. I haven’t had a chance to finish it yet, but holy shit it’s good so far.
Izzy: They’re a better writer than I am, I can admit that. They attended Hickman’s workshop for hopeful mediums with their partner Archie Sami, who grew up in a snake handling cult.
Frenchie, in awe: How do you meet these people?
Izzy: I blame Jimenez for that, to be honest. Now, since Hickman knows my face, I had Jim and Archie attend on my behalf. There are more details in their article, but they spent months crafting elaborate fake profiles on social media, most importantly a fake obituary for a father who doesn’t exist.
Frenchie: And why is that so important?
Izzy: The idea was to prove whether Hickman was using a technique called “hot reading,” where he or someone on his team does research about the people in his audience so he can pretend to know things about them. In this case, Jimenez sprinkled their profiles with obituaries, posts about losing pets, and some fake family lore, so if Hickman brought any of that up, we would know that he was doing research about them instead of, you know, communicating with spirit guides or what the fuck ever.
Frenchie: Love it. Now, at the risk of spoiling the article, which I’ll link in the show notes for everyone who hasn’t read it… Professor Hands, does Roger Hickman communicate with the great beyond for information?
Izzy: Well if he does, his spirit guides need to log off of Facebook.
Frenchie: Brutal.
Izzy: Jimenez tells the story better than I could, but among Hickman’s many fuckups were asking them about their pet dog, which was a stock photo; passing along a message from their father, who was not named Richard; and talking about their father’s happy memories of raising them in Germany.
Frenchie, clearly setting him up for a punchline: Which is bad because…
Izzy: Well, Jimenez is Puerto Rican.
Frenchie bursts out laughing. Izzy snickers.
Frenchie: Like I said, I’ll link to the article in the show notes, because I cried laughing. Professor Hands, I know you have a class to teach this afternoon, so I’ll let you go. But before I do, all my guests must answer at least one rapid-fire question.
Izzy: Why not.
Frenchie: What is your favorite cryptid?
Izzy, without even pausing to think: I fucking love Mothman.
Frenchie, laughing with surprise: Really?
Izzy: Yeah. A few hayseeds saw a big fucking owl, told a tall tale about it, and a few decades later we have a queer cryptid. It’s fucking hilarious. I love it.
Frenchie: Mothman is an excellent choice. Well, Izzy, thanks so much for joining us on the pod!
Izzy: Thank you for inviting me.
Outro music: The Mothman Song (Believe in the Power of the Mothman!) by The Paranormal Song Warrior
A tweet from @TheDreadBlackPete:
Professor Hands? More like Professor put your hands on me! (I’ll see myself out.)
A tweet from @RoachMcRoach:
@ProfessorIsraelHands may have a giant stick up his ass but my god, that voice is a panty dropper.
A tweet from @FrenchieFindsOut:
Hello cryptids! Check out my conversation with professor/skeptic/activist/all around badass @ProfessorIsraelHands on the feed today.
A tweet from @bN34MK3lKwE (Hot Girls In Your Area!)
Hello my name is Laura I am looking for hot sexy men in NAME OF CITY
An email to Professor Israel Hands, Wednesday:
Subject: Dude.
Dear Izzy,
My downloads are off the fucking charts, mate. Want to go again?
Cheers,
Frenchie