Chapter Text
“Dude, I didn’t know there was a weight limit on the PS5.” laughed Stan as he threw his helmet on the locker room bench. Stan’s father had been so proud when his son made the varsity football team his freshman year of high school and now it was junior year and if South Park High had a star athlete, it was probably Stan Marsh. Stan had shot up to a little over six feet, though that number would vary depending on who was asking how tall he was. He was also in the best shape of his life, cut and stringy in the way only a high school jock could pull off.
It was the end of the first home game of the season and the South Park Cows had eked out a victory against the North Park Indians. Now the boys were in the locker room getting changed before a night out celebrating at a house party at Clyde’s.
“Eh, fuck you, Stan. You’re just jealous that you’re too poor for one PS5, meanwhile I have two.” gloated Cartman. Cartman hadn’t exactly slimmed down since elementary school, but instead had bulked up with muscle too. He was built like a brick shithouse and that made him an invaluable player on the football team.
“What are you even going to do with two PS5s?” questioned Craig. He didn’t want to be too invested in any shit that Cartman was going to pull, but after years hanging out together, he knew that there was little stopping a Cartman scheme once it was underway. The best thing he could hope for was to find out what it was, so he could avoid the worst of it. Craig had also grown up to be a handsome guy, though he still sported his signature resting bitch face.
“Oh, I don’t know. Bribe some bums to fight over it. Maybe pressure a really desperate mom into giving me a thousand bucks and some head for it. Or maybe, I will just keep it to make you guys feel like shit.” mused Cartman, wide eyed and holding his finger pensively to his mouth. Suddenly, he feigned surprise and out came his idea.
“I know. How about we have a little bet? Whichever one of you dumbass jocks can get a faggy band kid to fall in love with you first, can have my PS5. I know at least one poor piece of white trash that will do it.” Cartman grinned and looked towards the doorway of the showers.
“Hell yeah, brother. I’ll do it. Just what am I doing?” smirked Kenny. Kenny was tall, lanky and currently wrapped only in a towel around his waist as he had just finished a quick shower. When Kenny smiled there was a gap in his front teeth and a mischievous glimmer in his eye that hinted at all the wild shit he was down for. There was a reason people assumed Kenny had died all those times. He had a knack for getting out of scrapes that seemed inhumanly possible. Also glimmering were a variety of facial piercings: snake bites, left eyebrow, gauged ears with two more holes up the side. Rumor had it that his dick was also pierced. Kenny said that he knew a guy, but most suspected he did them himself, like his tattoo of his sister’s name on his waist.
“Fucking a fat chick.” called out Clyde, a little ironically because Clyde wasn’t exactly skinny himself. He wasn’t as big as Cartman, but he had the sort of soft jock body that was going to absolutely go to pot once he started college. If he went to college. Clyde’s skills were definitely not academic.
“I’ll do that for free.” shrugged Kenny. This surprised no one because besides being poor and getting into trouble, Kenny was also known to be a slut. He would fuck for money if needed some, but he loved sex and often gave it away for free. Long-term relationships didn’t interest Kenny because he was here for a good time, not a long time.
“Fucking a cripple.” shouted Tolkein. Tolkein had been pressured to join the football team because all the hick adults in South Park assumed that a black kid would naturally be a great athlete. Alas, he was not. But Tolkein was a decent athlete and a close enough friend with all the guys on the team that no one really seemed bothered.
“Oh man, charity work.” joked Kenny, “I will put that on my application for the National Honor Society. They will let me go to college for free for being the most caring manwhore.”
“No. Fucking a guy.” said Stan as he slammed his locker shut and glared at Cartman.
“That is also something in my roster.” replied Kenny.
“Oh Stan, poor poor Stan. My sweet summer child.” lamented Cartmen as he hung his head in disappointment. “We are not talking about sex. Sex is easy. Eeehh shut the fuck up. I have just as much sex as the rest of you guys, probably more you fucking virgins. Anyway, as I was saying, not sex but what is more powerful? Love. I dare all of you to make a faggy band kid fall in love with you and admit it. The first person who does, can have my PS5. And don’t think you can fake it, I know these things, matters of the heart.”
“What if we don’t want to participate?” hazarded Craig, already knowing that wasn’t an option.
“Well, if that is the case, not only do you not get my PS5, but I will also be personally emailing your parents your internet history.” stated Cartman.
“You don’t even have our internet history, assface.” retorted Stan as he scowled at Cartman.
“Oh, I do not need your real internet history, Stan. All of our parents are too fucking dumb to realize if I just send them random porn and tell them it’s your internet history.” Cartman was stating the truth too. The parents of South Park were not known for their brilliance and over the years had been swindled by a number of schemes, both by Cartman and from outside the town.
“Well, I am going to politely ask to be left out,” said Tolkein. “ I already have a PS5 and I have a girlfriend.” Nichole and Tolkein had been dating since elementary school and even though the optics of having the only two black kids date each other wasn’t great for diversity, they were also the healthiest couple in high school and no one was going to challenge them on that.
“Fine, fine.” scoffed Cartman as he rolled his eyes. “Now, for the rest of you. Because this is my dare, I get to choose who your victims will be.” He chuckled and rubbed his hand maniacally.
“Have you been planning this for a while?” questioned Stan as he narrowed his eyes to look down both figuratively and literally on Cartman. Stan and Cartman had stayed friends over the years, despite all of the shit Cartman pulled, and Stan wouldn’t say that he trusted Cartman.
“No! Of course not!” barked Cartman. “I just happen to be really good at this sort of thing.” He made his face into a little pout. “But I guess you really just want your parents seeing all the midget porn you watch, after all.”
Stan sighed and rolled his eyes, “Goddamnit, Cartman. Just tell us.” He was resigning to his fate. Maybe he could just pretend to pretend to like some guy, just to get Cartman off his back. He didn’t have to take this too seriously.
“Okay, fine. We will start with the obvious one: Craig you need to reunite with Tweek.” Cartman looked eagerly at Craig to gauge his reaction.
“I am not sure that’s fair to Tweek.” replied Craig, whose poker face betrayed no hint of how the boy might actually feel about rekindling things with his former fake boyfriend.
Craig and Tweek had been fake boyfriends until the end of sixth grade. Maybe it wasn’t pretend because the boys had spent much of their time together holding hands, confiding in each other and enjoying the mutual company. But an elementary school relationship was not the place to determine true feelings and by the time Tweek moved away with his parents, both boys were sad but equally confused. Most of the kids at school had accepted that the relationship was just to appease the fangirls, after Clyde had blabbed to the whole school that Craig admitted it started as a ruse, but Craig never really knew how it had ended. It sure did feel real for a fake relationship.
Tweek had moved to Denver with his parents at the end of sixth grade when his parents decided to expand their coffee business into a franchise. It seemed to do pretty well and there were now several dozen Tweek Bros. Coffee shops across the state of Colorado and the western portion of the United States. Tweek’s family had moved back to South Park over the summer and Tweek was now back at school with his old friends. He had been accepted back into the fold relatively easily, but there was clearly some tension with the distance between Tweek and Craig that had developed over time. Neither Craig nor Tweek knew how to breach it, so they acted like acquaintances during lunchtimes and hangouts.
“You did it once, Craig, you can do it again,” shrugged Cartman. “ Now for everyone’s favorite fags: Stan you need to convice Kyle to love you, which honestly shouldn’t even be hard because you two were butt buddies forever.”
“No! No! Absolutely not, dude.” yelled Stan, his face getting red. Stan and Kyle had once been so close that butt buddies were what a lot of people, including Stan’s father Randy, assumed them to be. But sometime in junior high, something had happened that killed their friendship. Not just killed, but brutally slaughtered with blood and guts and hurt feelings. Kyle had tearfully told Stan that he couldn’t be friends anymore before slamming the door in his face and that was it. A childhood friendship of sleepovers and weekends together ended. Stan had tried the whole rest of the summer of eighth grade to get Kyle to talk to him again but to no avail. Kyle now hung out with the other nerds, like Butters, and Stan stayed with the jocks.
“Don’t be a little pussy, Stan,” mocked Cartman. “Rekindle that flame with your faggy little lover boy. He’s literally gay, how hard could it be?” Kyle had come out shortly after freshman year began and for a while he dated David. It seemed like they were now just friends though, meaning Stan wouldn’t have to be a homewrecker.
In fact, now that Stan thought about it, this could work to his advantage. If he showed Cartman that he was trying to romance Kyle, then he wouldn’t have to deal with his dumbass parents getting torrents worth of porn dumped in their inboxes and maybe he could actually repair things with his super best friend. Stan smiled to himself. “Okay, fine. I will do it,” he sighed.
“Woo-hoo!” hollered Kenny. “And who do I get the pleasure of wetting my dick in?”
“Butters.” said Cartman.
“Butters? That seems kind of mean,” worried Kenny. He and Butters still sometimes hangout with Cartman, though between his scholastic responsibilities and constant groundings Butters wasn’t usually available. Still, Kenny liked Butters. Not liked liked Butters, but he liked Butters as a friend and didn’t want to hurt the poor kid’s feelings.
“Don’t grow a heart now, trailer trash.” huffed Cartman. “ Butter will probably be over the moon that anyone would like him. Plus, once you get that PS5, then you can let him down easy. Or hard? Or dick him down hard. I don’t really give a fuck.”
“And what about me?” interrupted Clyde.
“Oh, I don’t care. How about Scott?” said Cartman, rolling his eyes and waving his hands dismissively. “‘I’m Scott Malkinson and I hath diabetes.’” he mimicked for the full effect and the whole group chuckled.
“Oh, okay, well I guess since Bebe and I are taking a break. I can try to date Scott.” sighed Clyde. Clyde and Bebe were on a break more often than not and while Clyde’s himbo energy made him pretty popular amongst the girls in South Park, he never really dated anyone else seriously.
“Okay. Then it’s settled. Everyone has their assignments and even though you are mostly dumbasses, I think at least one of you should be able to ace this one.” Cartman waited until the rest of the boys had finished changing and were on their way to the parking lot to grab their cars before he darkly chuckled to himself.
“Yes, my perfect plan. Once I get these fags…and Clyde, all fagged up then there will be no more competition for me. Wendy Testaburger, you will be mine.” Cartman had never completely gotten over his and Wendy’s passionate affair during their elementary school debate days and that fire only burned brighter now that they were both on the high school debate team and he could watch the dirty she-hippie command the stage for whatever her cause. And honestly, if his friends benefitted from all of this, then that was secretly okay with him too.