Work Text:
When you wake up next to him in the middle of the night
With your head in your hands, you’re nothing more than his wife
And when you think about me, all of those years ago
You’re standing face to face with “I told you so”
“This job takes a lot but do you know what it gives me? It gives me you,” JJ said. Despite having no control over what came out of her mouth because she was high, she regretted it the moment she said it. She had a flashback to a similar comment she made back when she started to date Will.
“What if the reason he let his guard down was because he could finally be who he is. No judgement, no fear. What if the unsub is seeing a freedom in his victims that he wishes he had himself?”
She remembered the way Hotch looked at her, part curiosity. She had been speaking from her heart, how comfortable she felt around Emily back then but, at the team being a female in the FBI was a push in itself, let alone being a queer woman. She had done her best to avoid any questions about her sexuality, eventually dating Will. Part of her wished that she’d been able to be herself freely. Every time they came across a case with victims of the LGBT community, she felt a knot in her chest and something that felt a lot like regret for hiding herself.
Now, her marriage was falling apart and she felt lost. She thought back to Paris, the way Emily lay in her arms in her tiny loft apartment that had been issued to her by the FBI, the multiple identities she had while she hid from Doyle and the “miss you” Emily had left on the Scrabble board one night. She thought about how Hotch had trusted her with the privileged information because he knew it would crush her if she found out that her best friend and possibly love of her life had fake died.
The heavy feeling in her chest came back full force and she couldn’t breath. She couldn’t think straight, not with Emily sitting next to her.
“I need to go,” she muttered, scraping up all of her belongings into a messy pile as she stumbled towards the door.
“JJ, stop.” Her gaze shot to meet Emily’s and her breath caught in her throat. “It’s me, talk to me, what’s wrong?” Emily asked. JJ felt tears welling up in her eyes, everything she ever wanted to say stuck in her throat, the anger, the love confession, all of it.
“I can’t, Em. Not now. I need some space. I need to go home.” Her jacket slipped from her arms, falling to the floor with a soft thud, closely by her phone and keys. She flinched at the unwelcome sound and the tears started to fall. She wiped at them angrily with her sleeve, letting out an exhale to try to calm herself down before bending down to pick her things up. A soft hand landed on her shoulder with a gentle squeeze and a sob left her mouth unexpectedly.
“Jay, take a minute. Sit down.” JJ abandoned collecting her things, leaving them in a messy pile in the middle of Penelope’s living room. She let Emily grab her hand, leading her to the couch. Emily sat down, still clasping JJ’s hand in hers. JJ looked down at her, a concerned expression covering Emily’s face and she folded, curling herself against Emily’s side, letting soft hands stroke her back as her tears stained her cheeks, then the soft material of Emily’s FBI sweater. “What’s going on?”
“My marriage is falling apart,” she admitted, a wet chuckle leaving her lips. “This case is so fucking exhausting and I guess we realised that we just grew apart. The boys took it hard, especially after Will had his health scare. I didn’t know how to say anything. How could I? We’ve had so much going on and I didn’t want to be a burden to anybody.” Emily’s hand stilled on her back.
“I wish you’d said something. God, we could have gone somewhere to distract you.” Her hands started moving again, tracing soothing circles over her clothes.
“This case is a distraction in itself and I didn’t want to divert anyone away from that.” Her hands wrapped around Emily’s waist, squeezing her briefly.
“You’re struggling though and I’m sorry that I didn’t notice.” JJ tucked her face further into Emily’s body. “Oh my god, did BAU-Gate have anything to do with this?” Emily asked.
“I haven’t told him. I’m not sure he’d react well to it. He was always so concerned about my job and I guess that would make him right and his fear true. I don’t think I can face it. I mean, if he finds out, I’ll talk about it but for the moment, I can’t bring myself to talk about it. There’s so much in my head, I can’t even think about what I would say or how I would bring it up.”
“What else is bothering you, hm? A problem shared is a problem halved.” JJ winced at the thought of voicing anything out loud.
“I don’t think I know how to say what’s on my mind in a way that isn’t mind blowing, and that scares me,” she said.
“It’s worth a try,” Emily suggested. “If I can help in any way, I’d like to.”
“I’ve been dealing with decades worth of repressed feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate. Perhaps they did a while ago, but not anymore. That’s the vague version. The real one is a lot more painful and hard to navigate.” Emily pulled her close, resting her chin on top of JJ’s head.
“Have you considered what this person might say if you voiced your feelings aloud, whether they would be open to it?” JJ sharply inhaled, working out the best way to word what she wanted to say.
“I don’t want to think about it. There’s the possibility that I could ruin the relationship we have now, of mutual trust and respect and I don’t want to risk it.”
“So you’re just going to keep them hidden forever?” Emily asked, mostly sarcastically.
“Exactly,” JJ confirmed.
“That’s not healthy, Jay. You should at least tell someone, Pen perhaps?”
“Says Miss I-Compartmentalise-My-Feelings. If I told someone the full extent of it, I wouldn’t be able to face seeing this person and I like them a lot. It would make it all real and I don’t want it to be.”
“You’re in deep huh?” JJ chuckled.
“You don’t even know half of it. I think it’s safer for everyone if I don’t say anything more.” Emily squeezed JJ’s arm in a moment of comfort.
“Sure, whatever you want. If you need someone to talk to, you know where I am.”
“Thanks, Em. I’ll think about it,” JJ said. For a while, they sat in silence, still in the same position while JJ thought about what would happen if she spoke up now, but ultimately decided that she was too afraid of the outcome, what they had now was good enough for her.