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Buck can remember the first time it happened. Well, he can remember the first time he clocked it happening. He later found out that it had happened before, secretly guised in hugs and silent hospital rooms. This time though, he was fully awake, and Eddie didn’t hide it nearly as well as he had in the past.
It started like any other shoulder clasp Eddie gave him. It was already a comforting enough move, one that Eddie always found himself doing and Buck always found himself leaning into. If there was a deep conversation or a tough call, there was Eddie’s hand on Buck’s shoulder and a thumb on his collarbone. Buck expected it.
This time Eddie’s hand found its way to Buck’s shoulder in Eddie’s kitchen as Buck put leftovers into the fridge. Buck had always found comfort in cooking in the Diaz kitchen, but since Christopher was gone, Buck found himself doing it more and more.
It wasn’t that Buck didn’t love cooking for Christopher too. It was just that he knew that if he didn’t cook for Eddie, Eddie wouldn’t eat. Eddie was trying to be better about putting himself first, but with Christopher gone, Buck spent a lot more time worrying about Eddie than was strictly necessary.
“Thanks for coming over tonight,” Eddie said, leaning against the counter. “And for cooking.”
“Don’t mention it,” Buck said, turning around to face Eddie with a smile. He knew that wasn’t going to cut it for Eddie, but he thought he would at least try.
As Buck suspected, Eddie shook his head. “You should know how much I appreciate you.”
“I do–”
“You don’t,” Eddie countered, cutting him off. “You can’t because I don’t tell you enough. I should tell you more.”
“Eddie–”
“And I want to tell you that you shouldn’t be spending all this time worrying about me because you have a boyfriend and a life, but I’m not going to waste my breath,” Eddie told him, and Buck couldn’t argue there. No amount of Eddie telling him not to worry was ever going to make him not worry.
Buck nodded. “You know there’s nowhere else I want to be.”
Which should be sad because he does have a life and a boyfriend . But all Buck thinks about is Eddie. He only ever thinks about Eddie. Which should be an issue, but it’s really, really not.
“I do know,” Eddie agreed. “But you should know that I’m grateful for you too. You should know that there’s nowhere else I want you to be. I appreciate you being here…especially now.”
Especially now that Christopher is gone. Especially now that Eddie’s world is crumbling beneath his feet. Especially now that Eddie doesn’t know up from down, right from left, but he knows that Buck will always be standing right in front of him.
Eddie took a step forward, hand slowly reaching up until it found Buck’s shoulder, which should really be considered its second home these days. Eddie squeezed as he looked into Buck’s eyes.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Buck whispered.
Eddie smiled, thumb leaving Buck’s collarbone and landing somewhere else. Somewhere it hadn’t been before. Somewhere that had a purpose.
Because it was there for a discernible amount of time. It was there for an amount of time that could be counted, that could be tracked. It was there to do a job, a task.
Maybe some people wouldn’t notice. Maybe Buck was just attuned to this kind of thing from being in the field. Or maybe Eddie was the one who didn’t notice. Maybe it was Eddie who was just so used to applying his fingers to certain places on a patient to make sure that they were still alive.
But Buck was pretty sure he knew what this was, and it was confirmed for him when Eddie next spoke.
“Thank you for being here.”
Here. For being here. Thank you for being alive. Thank you for having a beating heart and standing right in front of me so I can feel it. Thank you for not leaving me. Thank you for having my back. Thank you for being here .
So if Buck had to stand there and let Eddie prod around his neck to feel his pulse, he would. If he had to be a living reminder that Eddie had backup, that Eddie had love and support, he would.
“Always,” Buck promised. “I’m not going anywhere.”
…
In retrospect, Buck really should have seen this coming. He should have expected it. He should have known, and honestly, maybe he did.
It wasn’t that Buck was actively being a bad boyfriend. He was spending time with Tommy, and any time he did so, he was fully present. He enjoyed their dates, really he did, and it wasn’t like he was ever actively avoiding spending time with his boyfriend.
It was just that there was somewhere else he would rather be. There was someone else he would rather be with. Well, be in the presence of. It wasn’t like he actually wanted to be with that other person. No, that would be crazy.
Regardless, Tommy deserved to be with someone who put him first. Buck was really good at putting the people he loved first, but Tommy was just not one of those people. There was already a person in Buck’s number one spot, and Tommy was perfectly aware of that, which is why he kindly explained to Buck that this wasn’t going to work out anymore.
So, yeah, Buck should have seen the breakup coming, but more than that, he should have seen how unaffected he was going to be by it, which really should have been a sign. Not being even a little bit sad about breaking up with someone you dated for a few months is a pretty glaring sign that you probably shouldn’t have wasted either of your time for as long as you did.
Buck wasn’t sad, even a little. He was grateful for Tommy for being his first boyfriend, and he was happy that he got to be a boyfriend for a little bit because he really did love being a boyfriend.
He wasn’t going to go around talking about how great of a time he had with Tommy, reminiscing on a relationship that barely deserved to be called one. He certainly wasn’t going to mourn what he lost or what he could have had either. It was almost like he didn’t care, which, again, he should probably feel bad about.
Eddie didn’t know all this though. Eddie was a self-proclaimed nester. Eddie, who has had some pretty stellarly disastrous breakups, saw them as this incredibly emotional and draining thing.
So, he expected Buck to be heartbroken. He expected Buck to need a shoulder to cry on and maybe a hand to hold, which is why he showed up at Buck’s loft with a pizza, a six-pack, and a gallon of ice cream immediately after he received the news.
Buck was happy to let him in and pretend to wallow for the night because he knew that this was important to Eddie. Eddie, who had been wallowing for the past few weeks, needed to take care of someone else. Eddie, whose sole dependent was states away, needed to take care of someone else. Eddie, who Buck had been trying his best to take care of for weeks, needed to take care of someone. And Buck was happy to be that person.
“How are you feeling?” Eddie finally asked as he pushed his empty plate away, focusing his attention on Buck.
“I’m okay,” Buck said, no hint of a lie. He was. He was even more than okay now.
Eddie cocked an eyebrow from across the table. “Really?”
“Yeah, I’m good. It’s not like my entire self-worth was reliant on this relationship,” he replied, cocking his head toward the living room. “I didn’t even let him change my couch or anything.”
“Right,” Eddie said, rolling his eyes. “But he was your first boyfriend. That’s gotta mean something.”
“He wasn’t my first relationship though. I’ve broken up with plenty of girlfriends to know I’ll be okay,” Buck reminded him. “Plus, it’s not like he’s the first guy I was in love with.”
Buck’s eyes went wide when he realized what he said. It was true. Tommy wasn’t the first guy he was in love with because he wasn’t in love with Tommy, not because he was in love with another guy or anything like that.
Eddie didn’t seem to be as affected by that confession, or maybe he just didn’t notice it. Either way, Buck was grateful that it went right past Eddie’s radar.
“It’s okay for you to be upset right now,” Eddie told him, which yeah, of course, it was okay to be upset after a breakup, but Buck wasn’t . “You’re allowed to be sad in front of me. Don’t feel like just because I’m going through something right now that you can’t.”
Buck’s heart shattered a little. His heart, which was perfectly together after a breakup, shattered the second Eddie said something about the situation with his son, which, again, should say something.
“It’s not that, Eds. I know that you don’t think like that,” Buck assured him. “It’s just that I’m really not all that upset about this. He wasn’t the one.”
“Good,” Eddie said, face heating up after he realized what he said. “Well, not good that he’s not the one. Good that you’re not upset and good that it’s not because of me.”
Eddie reached out and squeezed Buck’s elbow. Buck’s arm was right there, with him being at the head of the table and Eddie being right next to him, and Eddie could easily reach out and touch him to give him comfort, which was probably why they sat like that in the first place. Because Buck was supposed to be sad about the breakup, and Eddie was supposed to be comforting him.
Buck smiled softly at the hand on his elbow. Once he looked closer, he saw that Eddie’s hand wasn’t just there for comfort. There were two fingers strategically placed flat on the inside of his elbow. Buck watched Eddie watch his own fingers, counting silently in his head. He felt his own heart beat in his chest as he watched Eddie feel it on his fingertips.
“You’re really okay?” Eddie asked, already knowing the answer to that question.
Yes, I’m okay. Can’t you feel it? Buck wanted to ask. You’ve got my heart in your hands. You know I’m okay. I’m right here. I’m alive and in front of you. You know I’m okay.
Because that was what Eddie needed right now. He needed confirmation that Buck was okay, that something was okay. He needed to know that this was alright, that Buck was alright. Because he couldn’t make sure that his son was okay.
Oh, what Eddie would give to ask Christopher if he was okay. To be able to hold Christopher in his arms right now. To be able to look into his eyes and know the answer to the question before even having to ask.
“I’m okay,” Buck confirmed, feeling the pressure on his elbow lessen but not disappear.
…
Calls with kids were always hard. They were hard when Buck was first starting out, back when he was just a kid himself. They were hard when he first met Christopher, always keeping an eye on Eddie to make sure that he was okay and not thinking too hard about the kid he had at home.
They were hard after the tsunami when Buck would have constant flashbacks to when he was all Christopher had, and he was willing to die to keep that kid safe. They were hard after Eddie told him about the will; when kids lost parents on a call, all Buck could think about was if they were in that situation, Buck would be the one to take Christopher home that night.
But, after Christopher left, they were considerably more hard. After a bad call, whether there were kids involved or not, Eddie could go home and hug his son. Buck would see him a few days later, and the smile that Christopher gave him made some of that pain go away.
With Christopher being gone, it complicated things a lot. It was hard to find comfort when you didn’t know that your kid was actually alright. Walking into Christopher’s room at night and watching his chest rise and fall was sometimes the only thing that got Eddie and Buck through the hard times.
But Christopher was several states away and he was still barely talking to Eddie. There were a few texts here and there, and Eddie was lucky enough to get a phone call once. There were no video calls, though. Eddie hadn’t seen his son’s face in weeks. He hadn’t held in son in even longer than that.
So, when they got the call that there was a car accident involving a kid about Christopher’s age, Buck and Eddie both knew it was going to be a bad day. But, this was the job. This is what they signed up for, and they wouldn’t want to be doing anything else, even on days like today.
“Let me know if you need anything,” Buck whispered to Eddie as they both hopped out of the engine, clapping him on the shoulder before he ran onto the scene.
The strategy for this kind of car accident was pretty routine. Chim was already at the driver’s side window, talking to the driver and making sure she was okay before helping her out. It was very clear to everyone that the driver was physically alright, despite the tears streaming down her face and the screams that were coming from somewhere she didn’t even know she had in her body.
A truck had slammed into their car before speeding off, and the only damage it left was on the son’s side of the car. The damage was incredibly extensive. Buck rushed over and used the jaws to get the door open.
The little boy couldn’t have been older than twelve, but he looked incredibly small and scared as Buck assessed him. He was covered in blood and tears, and he was so scared. But he was alive, that was for sure.
Buck called Hen and Chim over to assess before anyone moved the boy. They made sure he was alright before giving Buck and Eddie the go-ahead to get him out and into the ambulance. Hen and Chim quickly climbed in with him and his mother before the ambulance raced off to the hospital, leaving Eddie, Buck, and Bobby alone at the scene.
That was what happened every time, more or less. It was always like that. Sometimes the injuries were worse, sometimes they were better. Sometimes everyone made it out alive, sometimes they weren’t so lucky. This time everyone was okay, besides the inevitable broken bones that boy was sure to have, but it wasn’t any less scary. It wasn’t any less emotional.
Bobby got into the driver’s seat, and Eddie and Buck got into the back of the engine, sitting far too close than was necessary considering they were the only two people back there.
Eddie’s hand was on the seat in between him and Buck. Buck looked down, thinking about grabbing Eddie’s hand for some comfort that he knew they both needed. As he looked down, he watched as Eddie’s hand slowly made its way to underneath Buck’s thigh, right where his knee bent.
Eddie silently placed two fingers flat against the bend of Buck’s leg and closed his eyes. He breathed deeply, presumably matching whatever rhythm he could feel in Buck’s leg. Buck sat as still as he could and allowed Eddie to take all the time he needed.
Buck had asked Eddie to let him know if he needed anything, and this was Eddie doing that. They were too far into their relationship to need to use words with each other. They were past that. Eddie didn’t need to tell Buck what he needed; Buck was already completely aware.
Buck really wasn’t sure what this new-found pulse thing was about, but he knew that Eddie needed it. Buck was happy to let him take it because his heart was already beating for Eddie anyway, wasn’t it?
…
Post-Christopher-leaving and post-breakup, Buck decided it was time for him and Eddie to start some new hobbies. They had some time on their hands, and Buck wanted them to utilize it for something good.
Eddie had been seeing Frank once a week, trying to work through everything with Shannon and Kim and Christopher. Buck thought it seemed to be helping, from what Eddie told him and from what he could observe on his own.
And therapy was great, but Buck wanted Eddie to also do some fun things to get his mind off of everything and put himself first. So, the hobbies.
He tried to teach Eddie how to bake, but they didn’t get very far before Eddie’s entire kitchen was covered in flour. They attempted to watch the tv shows they had been putting off, but once they were on the couch after a long shift, they were both fast asleep before the first scene was over. They tried hiking a few times but every time ended in Eddie complaining and Buck getting sunburned.
So, it wasn’t exactly surprising when Buck dragged Eddie to the gym during a slow shift and told him it was time for them to try kickboxing.
“I know how to kickbox, Buck,” Eddie reminded him, laughing as Buck pulled him over to the punching bag.
Buck rolled his eyes. “Then teach me.”
“How exactly is this a new hobby for us?” Eddie questioned, crossing his arms. “Are we going to start sparring?”
Buck shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you still have the number of that fight club you were in? Maybe we could join.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said, pushing his chest lightly. “Maybe I should teach you how to be nice to me instead.”
“But that’s not a hobby,” Buck replied, holding up a finger. “Just show me the basics.”
Eddie sighed. “I don’t know, Buck. You kick the bag. It’s pretty simple.”
“Why don’t I do what I think I should do and you tell me if I’m doing it right?” Buck suggested.
Eddie stepped away from the bag and gave Buck some room. He watched Buck put his hands up like he was going to box and bounce up and down on his sock-clad feet. He sent a strong kick into the air and hit the side of the bag.
“That’s literally it,” Eddie told him, clapping his hands together. “You’re a natural.”
Buck groaned. “I want to be able to do the cool stuff too. Like the spinning and stuff.”
“Then show me what you’ve got,” Eddie replied easily.
Buck began bobbing again, this time psyching himself up for a full spin instead of just a kick. He must’ve overcalculated on the rotation, seeing as he was one of the least coordinated people on the planet, because instead of hitting the bag, his foot went flying toward Eddie.
Eddie caught it with a laugh, holding Buck’s foot with two hands, thumbs on the arch. Buck huffed out of both embarrassment and annoyance. So maybe he wasn’t cut out for kickboxing and maybe Eddie was a bad teacher anyway. He tried. And also, Eddie was still holding his foot, and he was probably going to fall over soon.
Eddie was smiling and staring down at the foot in his hands. There was a slight look of concentration on his face, and Buck immediately knew what he was doing. There was that familiar calculated look and hand placement. Buck was kind of getting used to it at this point.
He was sure that his heart rate was considerably high right now from the embarrassment and laughter and the fact that he was very much struggling to stand on one foot.
“Can you…uh…” Buck began, gesturing to his foot. Eddie blushed and dropped it down to the ground. “I guess kickboxing is a no, huh?”
...
There were a lot of adjustments that had to be made after Christopher went to Texas. You don’t realize how much your life revolves around someone until they’re not in it for the time being. Buck always knew that he made a lot of his life decisions based upon what was best for the Diaz family, but it was almost shocking to see just how different his life was without Christopher.
Buck figured that while his heart was hurting in a pretty significant way, his life wouldn’t actually change that much. It wasn’t like he lived with Eddie and Christopher. It wasn’t like he was Christopher’s dad or anything. It was just the little things.
Like now being free on Thursday afternoons because he normally got Christopher from school when Eddie had therapy. Or spending a lot less time playing video games, partly because he didn’t have his little buddy to play with anymore but mostly because playing them made him miss what they had. Or having to downsize the portions of the food he would make for him and Eddie because there were only two of them now.
The biggest thing was movie night, a tradition created and strictly followed since six years ago. It was always the best part of Buck’s week. Thinking back on it, he couldn’t remember whose idea it was. It could have been Christopher asking to hang out with Buck more. It could have been Eddie dying to have another adult in the house. It could have been Buck desperately wanting to be a part of a family. He couldn’t remember.
All he knew was that Christopher went to live with his grandparents on a Sunday, and by that Friday, Buck had no idea what to do about the movie night that was supposed to occur in a few hours.
He had been in constant contact with Eddie that whole week. When they weren’t at work, Buck would make sure to text or drop by. When they were at work, Buck was either at Eddie’s side or carefully watching from across the room. He wasn’t leaving Eddie alone right now.
But what was he supposed to do about movie night?
He could pretend it wasn’t happening, which wouldn’t make any sense. He had spent one night a week for the past six years sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and his two favorite people. Sure, there were certain times when there were a few weeks of no movie nights (like when certain people created certain lawsuits that prevented other people from seeing them), but for the most part, movie night was an unbroken tradition. Ignoring it wouldn’t make sense.
He could suggest they do something else, slightly avoiding it but also still spending the time with Eddie. Buck couldn’t remember the last time he used a free Friday night to do something besides watching a movie. It could be fun and new and exactly what they needed.
But Buck found himself following his typical Friday Movie Night routine. He knew what needed to be done. They needed to keep living their lives as normally as they could even though they could not be further from normal right now.
Movie nights were full of happy memories, and Buck was going to make sure that it stayed that way. They would continue with their little tradition, and they would continue to make it happy and fun and safe and everything you could want from a night with family.
And they would keep the tradition alive until Christopher came back home. Because Christopher was coming back home, and when he did, everything was going to be perfect.
So, Buck and Eddie continued to have their movie nights like nothing was different. Buck could tell that Eddie was hesitant at first, hesitant to have any fun while Christopher was so upset, but it was clear that this is exactly what Eddie needed, some normalcy while the rest of the world fell apart.
That was almost two months ago. Christopher had been gone for almost two months. It didn’t hurt any less to walk into Eddie’s house and not hear the familiar sound of crutches racing toward him. That didn’t mean that Buck was going to avoid going to Eddie’s house any time soon though; he would just have to learn to embrace the quiet until the noise returned.
So, all these weeks later, Buck went to Eddie’s house for another two-man movie night. He was pretty sure that the movie of the night was going to be a scary movie because every time it thunderstorm Eddie demanded they watch a scary movie, and who was Buck to argue with that logic?
Eddie welcomed him in with a warm smile and the smell of pizza that was waiting for them on the coffee table in the living room. Buck grinned right back. He loved movie night.
They settled into the night and the movie as the thunder clapped outside. Buck didn’t hate scary movies, but he definitely didn’t love them as much as Eddie did. When there was a perfectly timed jumpscare and thunder boom, Buck jumped, causing Eddie to laugh. Buck rolled his eyes, wincing as he felt a jolt of pain in his leg.
“You alright?” Eddie asked, now looking apologetic for laughing.
Buck shook his head. “It’s just my leg. You know how it gets when it rains.”
Sometimes Buck could forget all the horrible things that happened to him. Sometimes he could pretend like he didn’t almost die half a dozen times. But then there’s a lightning strike or a pain in his leg, and he’s right back where he started.
“Well, hand it over,” Eddie said, patting his lap and gesturing for Buck to put his leg up, which Buck of course did not. “Buck, come on, you know it’ll help. Plus, all this talking is making me miss the movie…”
“Oh my god,” Buck groaned but smiled despite himself. He carefully turned himself so he was facing Eddie and placed both of his legs in Eddie’s lap. “Thank you.”
“Shhhh,” Eddie responded, getting himself comfortable under Buck’s legs before using gentle fingers to massage the once crushed limb, “I’m trying to watch the movie.”
They stayed like that for the rest of the movie, Eddie’s hands taking all the pain away from Buck’s leg. At one point, there was a particularly bright lightning strike in the window, and Buck felt Eddie’s hand tighten around his calf.
For the rest of the night, Eddie’s hand stayed in a particular place on Buck’s leg, just near his ankle. It only took Buck a few moments to put together the pieces.
Because, yes, sometimes Buck could almost forget the times that he almost died, but he would never forget the times that Eddie almost died. Buck figured that it was the same for Eddie. He also figured that Eddie particularly remembered the time that Buck did die.
Buck wasn’t sure if the two fingers pressed to this particular pulse point were there to remind Buck that he was alive or to remind Eddie. Either way, it was doing the job because when the next bolt of lightning crashed into the ground somewhere very far away from them, Buck wasn’t scared. He was alive. He was okay. He was with Eddie.
So, they would continue to do movie night. And, for whatever reason, Eddie would keep finding ways to make sure his fingers found Buck’s pulse. They needed normalcy. They needed reminders that they were alive. They needed to know that everything was going to be okay. They needed the constant of that heartbeat between them.
…
The sixth time it happens is on a call, which shouldn’t be a surprise. Their calls are typically the place where pulses are checked. Eddie was always applying a careful two fingers to a pulse point, either finding a beat or sadly not.
And it would make sense for Buck to have to get his pulse checked on a call. Despite his best efforts to think before he ran into dangerous situations, Buck still found himself getting hurt pretty often on calls. So, yeah, it was pretty common for a member of the 118 to be tending to Buck’s wounds and making sure he was alive.
But Buck wasn’t hurt, not on this call. So really there was no reason for his pulse to be checked, especially by someone who got hurt at the call. Someone who wasn’t even the reason they were there. Someone who just coincidentally was also hurt on the call while they were tending to other victims. Someone who was working the call.
It was supposed to be a relatively simple call. There was a proposal gone wrong and a guy ended up with his parachute wrapped around a tree. He just needed to be let down so he could continue his declaration of love.
“I’m thinking about not saying yes,” his boyfriend said to Eddie as Chimney cut the parachute and Buck waited underneath to catch him.
“Why?” Eddie asked, slightly scandalized.
The man laughed. “Not because I don’t want to marry him. I just wanted to be the one to propose first. He’s always doing these romantic gestures, and he knows that I want a chance. Getting stuck just serves him right.”
“I can hear you!” the boyfriend called as Buck safely got him to the ground. “Don’t you even think about saying no. I almost died.”
“I wouldn’t say you almost died,” Buck butted in, causing both Chimney and Hen to shake their heads. “What? He’s fine.”
“You didn’t even ask before you got stuck. I have nothing to say no to.”
The man began getting down on one knee before his boyfriend pulled him right back up. “No. The moment is over. Better luck next time.”
The tree guy groaned. “You’re only saying that because next time it’s going to be you with the grand gesture.”
Captain Gerrard was standing next to Eddie and looking both disgusted and condescending. Eddie had been waiting for this piece of shit to say something since the day he took Bobby’s job. He didn’t particularly want Gerrard to say that thing in public, but he wasn’t going to be picky. The captain coughed, but to Eddie, it sounded a whole lot like a certain slur.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Eddie said, turning his attention to the captain. “I missed that.”
“I didn’t say anything, Rodriguez,” Gerrard spat.
Eddie laughed bitterly. “Oh, we both know you did, and we both know that you know that’s not my name.”
“I didn’t say anything,” he repeated. “I kept my mouth shut just like I have for months. Trust me, I want to say something. Working with a bunch of–”
“Okay, well, we’re all good here,” Hen said, cutting in with wide eyes. “You two are free to go.”
The two men exchanged a look before packing up their failed proposal and walking away. At this point, the rest of the team had made their way over to Eddie and Gerrard. They could clearly see that there was tension, the tension that was going to cause the explosion they were all waiting for.
“A bunch of what?” Eddie asked, going right back to his conversation.
“Look, Wilson’s a great firefighter, despite everything she has going against her.”
“Excuse me?” Chimney questioned.
“A black gay woman,” Gerrard stated, sounding revolted by each word that came out of his mouth, “is just about the lowest you can be on the totem pole. She’s good, despite all that. And Buckley–”
“Don’t,” Eddie warned.
“I never knew Kinard was one of them, and I’m just happy he got away from Buckley now,” Gerrard continued. “There’s hope for him, still, unlikely Buckley. Sorry excuse for a man and a firefighter.”
Buck set his jaw and swallowed. “I–”
“Don’t speak out of turn, Buckley,” Gerrard reprimanded. “I’ve been waiting for a reason to get you out of here. Same with Wilson. Neither one of them should be on my team.”
“It’s not your team,” Eddie reminded him.
“Well, if it was, there wouldn’t be any queers on it,” Gerrard told him easily. “I’m just saying.”
Eddie shrugged. “You’re just saying. Well–”
“Eddie,” Buck said, placing a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “Come on. It’s not worth it.”
Something sinister twinkled in Gerrard’s eyes, and Eddie caught it the moment he saw it. He readied himself for the poison that was going to spew at any moment.
“I didn’t know you two were dating,” Gerrard said, smirking. He turned toward Chimney. “Congrats, Han. I guess you’re the only one here who’s not a faggot.”
Eddie had known since day one that Gerrard was going to say something fucked up to someone, and he was going to have to kill Gerrard. It was something Eddie had accepted a long time ago. And sure, Gerrard commonly said some pretty heinous things to the entire 118, but none of them was really bad enough that it would warrant a murder. Like, there was only so much Eddie could get away with.
So, yeah, Eddie was expecting this. He wasn’t expecting Gerrard to say just about the worst thing a person could say. He wasn’t expecting Gerrard to direct it at multiple people at once. Somehow he went even lower than Eddie thought he could.
When Eddie’s fist connected with Gerrard’s face, he didn’t feel bad, not in the slightest. When he saw the blood shoot out of his captain’s mouth, he didn’t stop. When he felt his hand ache, he didn’t pull back.
He did pull back when he felt someone on his back, pulling him away. He was pretty sure they were screaming, but he couldn’t hear them. He was too busy being in a blind rage.
“Oh, you’re so done, Diego,” Gerrard said, mouth full of blood.
“It’s Eddie Diaz, you piece of fucking shit.”
“Okay, enough,” Hen told him. “Buck, take Eddie back in the engine. We’ll take Gerrard back in the ambulance. Make sure nothing’s broken. I’ll have the police meet us there.”
“You’re going to jail.”
Chimney rolled his eyes. “No, he’s not. You’re his boss, and you just called him a slur. Nobody is going to side with you.”
“I also wouldn’t really want this going to court, if I were you,” Hen told him. “You wouldn’t want to be exposed for your little views, would you?”
“There’s no proof that I said anything,” Gerrard replied. He was talking incredibly well for someone who should probably be milking an injury if he wanted to get anything out of it.
“There is proof!” a voice said from the distance. The parachute guy and his boyfriend came running back into view. “I took a video. I could tell something was up. I know a homophobe when I see one.”
“I’ll tell Athena to meet us here then,” Hen stated. “I didn’t realize there were other witnesses.”
Hen then turned her attention to Eddie who was still being held back by Buck. Not that Buck needed to hold him back. He wasn’t going to do anything else. He did what he had to do.
“Maybe you should check out his hand,” Hen suggested, looking down at the appendage that was begging for some attention. “It looks worse than Gerrard’s face.”
“Come with me,” Buck muttered, dragging Eddie toward the ambulance. He sat Eddie down on the gurney and began looking for supplies.
“I’m fine,” Eddie grumbled.
“Shut up,” Buck said, sitting down on the bench and taking Eddie’s hand in his. He poured some peroxide over the wound, causing Eddie to flinch. “You’ve been shot.”
Eddie rolled his eyes. “Not by you. I thought you would be a little more gentle.”
“Yeah, well my emotions are running a little high right now,” Buck reminded him, wrapping Eddie’s hand in gauze. “That wasn’t…you shouldn’t have…Look, I know that he’s an asshole, and I’ve been waiting for him to say something that got him punched, but it didn’t have to be because of me. I hate that it was because of me.”
“It wasn’t just because of you,” Eddie murmured, head down. “It was because of Hen…and me. I’ve had enough bullies call me that before; I don’t need it from my boss.”
“You–”
“I had one girlfriend in high school, Buck, and it was right at the very end. There was a lot of time for people to make assumptions and jokes and comments,” Eddie admitted. “And, yeah, maybe it took me a while to realize it, but they weren’t wrong.”
“Eddie–”
“They shouldn’t have used that word,” Eddie assured him, “but they weren’t wrong. So, it wasn’t just for you or just for Hen. It was for me. And mostly, it was because that guy is a piece of shit.”
“You’re not going to get fired,” Buck stated.
“I know.”
“Or go to jail,” Buck continued.
“I know.”
Once Buck was done wrapping Eddie’s injured hand, he took the other one in his and squeezed.
“We can talk about this when we’re not hiding from the police in the back of an ambulance,” Buck promised. “I’m proud of you.”
“For punching our boss?” Eddie asked, smirking.
Buck glared at him. “Obviously not.”
Eddie’s smirk turned into a soft smile as he flipped the hand Buck was holding and slid his thumb underneath Buck’s watch, counting. Buck let out a breath, evening his heartbeat and trying to calm himself down after the whole ordeal.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie said sincerely, looking into Buck’s eyes until Buck looked back.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Buck replied. Not for punching Gerrard. Not for being himself. Not for standing up for the team. Buck hoped all of that was conveyed.
Eddie shook his head and stroked the thumb on Buck’s wrist. “No. I’m sorry he said that about you. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
“Neither should you,” Buck whispered.
Buck focused his attention on Eddie’s injured hand. It was wrapped up and lying on Eddie’s thigh. He was sure that it was fine. He was sure that all Eddie would take from this was the emotional pain, not anything physical.
He also knew that if he focused his attention on Eddie’s other hand, the one with the thumb that was still underneath Buck’s watch strap, he might scream. He might scream and cry and throw up because this was so Eddie.
Throwing a punch, not out of hatred but out of love. Using his fist to draw blood but then using his other hand to comfort someone, whether that person be himself or Buck he wasn’t sure. He was hard and soft in all the right places. A solider and a father and a fighter and the most gentle person Buck had ever met.
He was the reason Buck still had a pulse, and he was the person feeling it right now. It was all too much for Buck. So, he focused on Eddie’s injured hand and not the one that was a direct line to the heart that beats for Eddie and Eddie alone.
Buck focused on Eddie’s injured hand because if he instead focused on what Eddie had just revealed he might do something really stupid. Like kiss him or confess his love or propose. So, he focused on Eddie’s injured hand, leaning over to grab an ice pack before placing it over Eddie’s knuckles.
“Is your hand alright?”
“It’s better now,” Eddie replied, thumb unmoving from under Buck’s watch strap.
Eddie got away with a few bruises and a week-long paid suspension. Gerrard got fired and ostracized from the LAFD. Gerrard was gone, and Eddie didn’t even have to kill him.
…
Buck meant to talk about it, really he did. He knew that he and Eddie had a tendency to not talk about things, but he really intended to talk about this. He had a plan and everything. He fully intended to bring up the entire situation right after Eddie’s first shift back post-suspension.
It was really the perfect plan. Because everything was calmed down now. Bobby was back in charge. Eddie was back on the job. Everything was okay. Well, everything besides the huge Christopher-shaped hole that was still in their lives, but besides that, it was genuinely a great plan.
Buck had initially planned to bring it up in the locker room, seeing as it was a neutral territory. Just a quick so, you’re gay? in passing as they got changed. But, obviously, that didn’t work because there wasn’t exactly a right time to just toss that into casual conversation.
He was going to bring it up in the car, but then he figured maybe it wasn’t the best idea to bring this up while he was operating heavy machinery. He had once heard that it’s good to have conversations in the car because you’re already both going in the same direction, but, for some reason, he didn’t think that was the course of action.
He seriously was going to bring it up once they got to Eddie’s house. There was no backing out now. He was going to bring it up. They were going to have dinner and then relax on the couch and he was going to bring it up.
But then Eddie’s phone rang the second they stepped into the doorway. Eddie barely looked at the screen before he was frantically answering.
“Chris!” he bellowed into the phone. “Hey! Is everything okay?”
Buck tried as hard as he could to try to hear what Christopher was saying on the other side of the phone, but he didn’t have to guess once Eddie’s entire face lit up.
“Really?” Eddie questioned, eyes meeting Buck excitedly. “You’re sure? You’re ready?”
“Oh my god,” Buck whispered, matching Eddie’s energy.
“Yeah, buddy, I’ll be on the next flight,” Eddie promised, gesturing for Buck to pull his phone out and find a flight for Eddie to book, which Buck did as fast as he could. “Don’t be ridiculous; I said I would come the second you called. I can be there–”
“Next flight is in a few hours. You’d be there by morning,” Buck explained, flipping his phone to show Eddie.
“I’ll be there in the morning,” Eddie stated into the phone. “I love you, Chris. So does Buck.”
Eddie smiled as he hung up the phone. Buck handed his phone over for Eddie to book the flight he had pulled up.
“He said he loves you too, by the way,” Eddie said softly as he handed Buck his phone back. He met Buck’s watering eyes. “He’s coming home.”
“He’s coming home,” Buck confirmed, nodding to stop himself from crying.
Eddie surged forward, wrapping his arms around Buck in a hug. He buried his face into Buck’s shoulder, taking a second to ground himself in the moment. Buck hugged him back just as tight.
All these weeks of waiting. All this time being completely lost in a world without Christopher. All this pain. It was finally going to go away. Buck was pretty sure that there were still going to have to be some conversations, and the pain that was caused wasn’t actually going to go away. But, Christopher was coming home, and that was really all that mattered.
Eddie finally dislodged his head from Buck’s shoulder, and his hands found the sides of Buck’s face. His fingers were in Buck’s hair, and his thumbs were on Buck’s temples. His face was so close to Buck’s.
If Buck hadn’t been so used to Eddie’s newfound coping mechanism, he would have though that Eddie was going to kiss him. But that was clearly not what was happening here because, with Eddie’s face this close, Buck could see his look of concentration more than he ever had before.
He could see the numbers crossing Eddie’s mind, he could see Eddie feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat. Eddie was just feeling Buck’s pulse like he had been all those other times. So, no, Buck wasn’t expecting a kiss. Why would he be expecting a kiss?
Because, yeah, Eddie’s face was close to his. And, yeah, he saw Eddie’s gaze flick down to his lips. And, yeah, he could feel Eddie’s breath on his face, matching his own because like he had said, Eddie could feel his pulse right now. That’s all this was.
Eddie was just feeling Buck’s pulse. But, then, he was leaning forward. There was no reason for Eddie to lean forward right now. Except to–
Eddie was kissing him. Eddie was kissing Buck. Buck was being kissed by Eddie. Buck kissed Eddie right back, once his brain caught up.
Buck was pretty sure that Eddie felt the spike in his heart rate the second Eddie leaned in. He hoped that his heart rate wasn’t that high before because that would be a little embarrassing. But, was anything really embarrassing between them anymore? Everything about Buck was laid bare to Eddie. Buck’s heart was quite literally in Eddie’s hands, and it always had been.
Eddie pulled back with a soft smile. “Chris is coming home.”
“Yeah, he is,” Buck replied breathlessly, now for a few reasons.
“Want to help me pack?” Eddie asked, already knowing the answer.
“Lead the way.”
It only occurred to Buck that they didn’t have the conversation he planned on having once Eddie’s suitcase was packed and he was headed out the door. It turned out that maybe that conversation was going to be a little more complicated than Buck had first imagined.
…
Buck wanted to give Christopher and Eddie some time to talk and settle down by themselves. He knew that he was a part of their family; that wasn’t something he was insecure about. He, of course, knew that he was wanted, but at the end of the day, something very big had happened, and he thought it was important that Christopher and Eddie healed from it on their own.
Any other time, Buck would have gotten on that plane with Eddie. He would’ve made plans for Christopher’s first night back and made breakfast the next morning. But, now wasn’t the time. Buck knew that he was wanted, but what he truly wanted was for Eddie and Christopher to fix what had been broken on their own. Once they were ready, he would be more than happy to step right back in with them.
Eddie must’ve been aware of this too because he only asked Buck once if he wanted to have dinner with them the night they returned. When Buck told him how he felt, Eddie had accepted the offer but demanded that they get together that weekend when both Buck and Eddie were off.
Buck had never been nervous around the Diazes, not ever. Sure, the first time he met Eddie, there was a weird tension, but he was never nervous. Today, though, he was incredibly nervous, and maybe he had good reason to be.
He had talked to Eddie throughout the whole trip to El Paso. That meant that he knew exactly how it went. It also meant that there was clearly nothing to be worried about after the kiss.
Right, Eddie and Buck had kissed, and they had yet to talk about it. Eddie had come out to Buck, and they had yet to talk about it.
Were they ignoring it? Was it a mistake? Did Eddie just get caught up in the moment of hearing that his son was coming home?
Christopher was home, and that should be the most important thing right now. Honestly, though, Buck was feeling pretty nervous about that too. He hadn’t seen Christopher in months. What if he wasn’t excited to see Buck? What if he felt that Buck had kept secrets from him too during the whole Kim situation? What if he only wanted to spend time with his dad right now? What if he…
Oh, God, what if he hated the idea of Buck and Eddie being together? If Christopher didn’t want them to be together, they wouldn’t be together. End of story. Buck would never do anything to make that kid upset, not ever, even if it meant breaking his own heart.
So, yeah, Buck was nervous to go over Eddie’s that night, and he only got more nervous when Eddie cornered him in the locker room before they left.
“Hey, can we talk?” Eddie asked, gesturing to the bench for them to sit down. Buck nodded and followed Eddie’s lead.
This was it. This was when Eddie told Buck that it was a mistake. That Christopher needed to come first right now. That he didn’t want to be with Buck. That he would never want to be with Buck.
“I know that we haven’t talked about it, and that’s probably my fault because I’ve really been focused on Chris right now–”
“And you should be!” Buck interrupted, stopping Eddie in his tracks. “Christopher should be your number one priority right now. We don’t have to talk about this.”
Eddie shook his head. “Christopher is my number one priority, always, but part of being a good parent is being able to take care of your needs as well. Me and Frank have been talking a lot about that. Which is why I want to talk about this.”
Buck nodded. “Okay. Okay, we can talk about it then.”
“Good,” Eddie said with a familiar smile. “Thanks for the permission. Can I continue now?”
“Yes,” Buck supplied, beginning to fidget with his hands in his lap.
“Me coming out to you and then kissing you, that wasn’t just a thing that I did, okay? That was real, and it matters. You know me; I don’t just go around kissing people,” Eddie told him with a laugh. “And I don’t just say how I feel all the time. It took me a long time to figure out that I was gay, and obviously, it makes a lot of sense now.”
Buck smiled at that. Eddie could say that again. And, oh, how Buck wanted him to. He wanted to sit down with Eddie and hear every single detail of this coming out story. He wanted to know what Eddie and Frank had been talking about. He already knew so much about Eddie, and he wanted to know this part too.
“I don’t need to think about this,” Eddie said, getting Buck’s attention again. “I don’t need to take the time to understand what you mean to me and what I want out of our relationship. I’ve done the work. I know what I want. But if you don’t, you need to take that time and figure it out.”
Buck raised his eyebrows. “Huh?”
Eddie smiled softly, taking one of Buck’s fidgeting hands in his. “This is it for me. If something were to happen between us, it would be it for me. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want anything casual. I want you forever. So, if that’s not something you can say right now, I want you to take some time to think about it.”
“You want me to take my time?” Buck asked, completely taken aback by what was happening here.
“If something were to happen between us, it would be serious. I would want to tell Chris as soon as possible. So, yeah, if you need to think about it, I want you to think about it,” Eddie explained, and, wow, was Eddie really putting this into words that seemed so clear but were somehow so confusing to Buck.
“You want to tell Chris about us?” Buck asked. Us , as if that was something they were. As if they were an us . “But, he just came back. Don’t you think that would spook him?”
“Lying and keeping secrets about how I felt and my relationships was what got me into this mess. I can’t do that again. If this is going to happen, we need to tell Chris before it even starts,” Eddie stated plainly. “And I get it if that’s scary. So–”
“I don’t need to think about it,” Buck said, shaking his head profusely. “I don’t need time. I know. I know .”
Eddie grinned. “What do you know?”
“You’re it for me too,” Buck promised. “I’m all in. Right now until forever. I’m all in. So, if you want to tell Chris tonight, I’ll be there.”
“You’re sure?”
“If you’re sure, I’m sure.”
Eddie stood up and dragged Buck up with him. “Then, let’s go. We have a son to talk to.”
For some reason, Buck was a lot less nervous to see Christopher now, even though he should be even more nervous. There was now something very huge hanging in the balance, but Buck wasn’t nervous at all.
Maybe it was because the entire ride to Christopher’s school, Buck had Eddie’s hand in his. Maybe it was because the second Buck saw Christopher approach the car with a gigantic smile, he got out and hugged Christopher so tight he was sure he was going to pop. Maybe it was because Christopher hugged him right back before turning to give Eddie a hug as well.
Buck caught up on everything he had missed from the whole summer. From how hot it was in Texas to how overbearing his grandparents could be. He heard about the new shows and books Christopher had been interested in. He even heard all about the new friends Christopher had made, both in Texas and during the first few days of school. And he heard all of this while Eddie was right next to him, smiling at everything his son said.
When they sat down for dinner, Buck and Eddie sat next to each other. As they finished their meal and continued to talk at the table, Buck felt Eddie’s hand on his thigh. At first, Buck thought it was just there for comfort, seeing as they were probably gearing up to have the conversation .
It didn’t take Buck very long to realize that Eddie’s hand was in a specific position, and it was pushing down with a decent amount of pressure. Buck smiled at Eddie’s hand under the table before looking up and nodding at an expectant Eddie.
You have my heart, now and forever. Tell Christopher. Tell everyone. My heart only beats for the two of you anyway .
“Christopher, Buck and I have something to tell you,” Eddie began, keeping his fingers on Buck’s pulse. “And, before I say anything, I just want you to know that nothing has officially happened yet. We’re telling you now so that you know from the very beginning.”
“Dad,” Christopher said, effectively cutting his father off. Eddie held his breath. “It’s okay.”
“What?” Eddie squeaked out.
Christopher laughed. “It’s okay. I trust both of you. I know that Buck wouldn’t leave us, and I trust you . I know that you’re not going to mess this up.”
Buck watched the tears well in Eddie’s eyes, and he was sure there were some in his own.
“You really trust me?” Eddie questioned, praying that his son really meant it. “Because, I would never break your trust again, and you know that I would never do anything to risk Buck.”
“I know,” Christopher confirmed. “And, I know that you never meant for anything bad to happen with mom or Ana or Marisol or that lady. You were just hurting, and that’s okay. I’m happy you’re better now.”
Buck put his hand on top of Eddie’s on his thigh and squeezed.
“Me too, kid,” Eddie said with a soft smile.
“And things are going to be good now, right? Now that you’re with Buck. You won’t be in pain anymore, right?”
And wasn’t that a way to put it? As long as Buck was by Eddie’s side, he would do everything in his power to prevent Eddie from ever feeling any pain ever again. If that got to be Buck’s job now, he would wear it like a badge of honor.
“I’m always going to be heartbroken about your mom,” Eddie said sadly. “I’ll always love her, and I’ll always grieve her. This doesn’t fix that. But, yeah, it helps with the pain to know that we can be a happy family, the three of us.”
“But, like you’re not confused anymore, right?” Christopher asked, cocking an eyebrow. “You’re not just doing this to find a replacement for mom, and you’re done pretending to be someone you’re not.”
Eddie almost laughed at that, but Christopher was right, after all. “No, I’m not confused at all, bud. There’s nothing more clear to me than how I feel about Buck.”
“Okay,” Christopher said, turning his attention to Buck. “And you, what are your intentions with my father?”
If Buck was eating something, he certainly would have choked. If he had taken a sip of his drink, there would have been a spit take.
“What?”
Christopher glared at him. “What are your intentions with my father? You’ve been real quiet over there.”
“I…uh…I…” Buck stammed, looking over at Eddie who was sporting the same exact look as Christopher.
“Go ahead,” Eddie prompted. “I would like to hear this too.”
“You’re both going to kill me,” Buck muttered under his breath. He fixed his eyes on Christopher. “I intend to love your father until the day that I die. I intend to protect him and keep him safe and happy forever. Is that okay with you?”
“Yeah,” Christopher replied with a shrug. “That’s fine with me.”
…
The first night that Buck and Eddie were off and Christopher had plans was pretty exciting. Sure, they had been hanging out non-stop since Christopher got home and they got together, but this was going to be the first time that they were alone .
Buck worked for hours perfecting his lasagna for dinner that night. He was sure that it was going to be delicious. Unfortunately, it got cold as it sat to the side of the counter because the second Eddie got to the loft, there was only one thing on his mind.
“Woah, there,” Buck huffed out as Eddie pushed him down onto the couch. “Hello to you too.”
“Less talking please,” Eddie whispered into Buck’s lips, and who was Buck to argue with that?
They stayed like that, making out like teenagers on the couch for what seemed like hours. Neither one of them wanted to get up, and it wasn’t like they had anything better to do. Buck didn’t think there was anywhere better to be than underneath Eddie Diaz, with Eddie’s lips on his and Eddie’s hand on his chest.
Huh, that was funny: Eddie’s hand on his chest. But, there was no reason for Eddie to be feeling his pulse right now, was there? Buck pulled back with a laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Eddie asked, and, oh, how Buck wanted to take in the sight of a freshly kissed Eddie Diaz forever.
“Are you feeling my pulse right now?” Buck countered, causing Eddie to blush.
Eddie dismounted Buck and sat down next to him on the couch. “How long have you known?”
“Since the first time,” Buck told him, trying not to smirk.
“What?” Eddie asked, eyes wide. “But that was so long ago. There’s no way you’ve known the whole time.”
Buck scoffed. “It wasn’t that long ago. It was like May. It’s September.”
Now it was Eddie’s turn to laugh. “You think that was the first time I felt your pulse?”
“Well, I guess you must’ve felt it when you did CPR to bring me back from the dead,” Buck admitted. “But, yeah, that was the first time. We were at your house, and you put your hand on my neck.”
“That wasn’t the first time,” Eddie stated. “Or the second time.”
“What?” Buck echoed Eddie’s earlier question.
Eddie smiled softly. “Buck, baby, I’ve been doing it for years. Since the first time we met probably.”
“No, you haven’t,” Buck said incredulously, shaking his head. “I would’ve noticed.”
Eddie shot him a look. “Just like how you noticed I was in love with you the whole time?”
“Hey! You didn’t notice that either,” Buck retorted, fighting the feeling he still got in his stomach when he and Eddie said that. In love with you. The whole time. Forever .
“Seriously, I’ve been doing it for years. I always have,” Eddie admitted. “I guess I was just better at hiding it before.”
Or maybe since Buck had just come to terms with the fact that he was bi, he was more in tune with each and every time Eddie touched him. It was hard to ignore the feeling he got when Eddie touched him when he finally found it. It was hard to ignore that fire once he realized it was burning.
“Why do you do it?” Buck asked, expecting that he already knew the answer. For comfort. To know you’re alive. To feel you. To know .
“It’s something my abuelo used to do,” Eddie explained, soft smile on his face. “When I was a kid, he would always feel my pulse. I’m not sure why he did it, but he always did. Whenever I saw him.”
Eddie laughed. “He would try to get me to feel his too, but I never could. I used to get so nervous that he was dead because I couldn’t feel his pulse even though he was standing in front of me, very clearly alive. I could never feel it though. I tried so hard, but for some reason, I was really bad at it.”
“You’re good at it now,” Buck told him. “It’s part of your job.”
“I used to be so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to do it at work,” Eddie admitted, shaking his head. “I was so scared, but then, one day, when I was a teenager, it clicked.”
Eddie cleared his throat as Buck listened intently to what was becoming a very meaningful conversation.
“When I was in Afghanistan, I used to fall asleep with my fingers on my neck, right here,” Eddie said, holding two fingers to his pulse point. “I would feel my heartbeat slow, and that would be what grounded me so I could fall asleep. I don’t know if that’s a real coping mechanism, but I still do it now. It helps.”
Buck smiled and grabbed one of Eddie’s hands, squeezing it. “If it helps, it helps. That’s all that matters.”
“I used to feel Shannon’s too,” Eddie admitted. “When we would sleep at night, for the few months that we slept in the same bed, I would fall asleep with my fingers on her pulse, just to make sure she was there.”
Eddie never talked about Shannon this openly, and Buck hoped he would never stop. Buck loved hearing about Shannon. He loved hearing about Eddie and Christopher being loved. He loved knowing that Eddie was healing, and it didn’t hurt too much to talk about her anymore.
“I still feel Christopher’s all the time. I used to sneak into his room at night and just keep my hand right on his chest or his wrist, anything,” Eddie said with a smile. “I stopped doing that a few years ago when I woke him up and he yelled at me, but I still do it when he’s awake.”
“And me?” Buck asked, suddenly emotional.
Eddie squeezed Buck’s hand. “All the time, Buck. For years. Every time I put my hand on your shoulder. Every time we sat far too close in the back of the engine. Every time we touched, I found it.
Buck couldn’t believe it. “The whole time?”
“The whole time,” Eddie stated, bringing Buck’s hand up to his mouth to place a kiss on it. “And when…when…”
“The lightning,” Buck finished for him.
Eddie nodded. “When I did CPR and I didn’t feel your heart beating for the first time, I almost lost it. I never want to feel that again.”
“I thought that was why you were doing it the whole time,” Buck replied.
Eddie shook his head. “No, it didn’t start like that, and it’s not because of that all the time. It helps though.”
Buck smiled. “If it helps, it helps.”
Buck took the hand that Eddie was still holding and used it to guide Eddie’s back to his chest, laying it flat. Eddie let out a breath as he felt the familiar pulse.
“You can feel it whenever you need to,” Buck stated, officially handing his heart over to Eddie, even though he had had it for years. “It beats for you anyway.”
“That’s so cheesy,” Eddie groaned, his hand unmoving. “Mine does too, you know.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, Buck,” Eddie confirmed. “It’s all yours, has been for years.”
…
In most of his relationships, Buck had been pretty concerned about being clingy, either because he was insecure or because they had literally told him he was clingy. He didn’t worry about that with Eddie though. He couldn’t exactly out cling the man who always had to be touching his pulse point, now could he?
Buck never did it, the whole pulse point thing. It was really Eddie’s thing. Buck had other things. Like hugging Eddie from behind or holding his hand or kissing his forehead. Buck was very big on cuddling, always holding Eddie for the entire night.
Contrary to popular belief, Buck hardly ever slept at Eddie’s house before they got together. He hated that damn couch, and he didn’t exactly have bed privileges until he and Eddie started dating. Once they started dating though, you would be hard-pressed to find a night that Buck ever slept at the loft.
There was just something so comforting about sleeping in Eddie’s bed, in his arms. Sharing a life with Eddie meant just that: sharing every bit of life together. From morning to night.
One night, Buck had a nightmare. His eyes shot open, and the first thing he saw was Eddie’s face. The same face that just laid lifeless in front of him in his dream.
Five seconds ago, Eddie had been shot, right in front of Buck. Maybe it wasn’t five seconds ago, maybe it was years ago, but in Buck’s dream, it was right now, and Eddie wasn’t waking up. He wasn’t waking up.
Buck reached down and wrapped his hand around Eddie’s wrist, holding his thumb to Eddie’s veins. He was feeling and feeling, but it wasn’t enough. He moved his hand up to Eddie’s chest, palm flat against Eddie’s heart, but it still wasn’t enough.
Finally, Buck remembered how Eddie used to fall asleep at night. He brought his hand up to cup the back of Eddie’s neck and put his thumb on the exact right spot to feel Eddie’s heart, right at the base of his throat.
“Buck?” Eddie slurred groggily. “Are you alright?”
“Bad dream,” Buck whispered, scared the words would get caught in his throat.
Eddie opened his eyes, worried. “Are you okay?”
Buck smiled back. “This helps.”
“Hey,” Eddie whispered, leaning forward to kiss Buck’s birthmark. “If it helps, it helps.”
“I love you,” Buck said, just because he could, just because he had to.
“I love you too, baby,” Eddie echoed, pulling away. Buck began to move his hand away. “Keep it there. It beats for you anyway.”