Chapter Text
Jim emerged from the conference room, leaving Pam and the producers, and he felt like a fish in an aquarium tank that had just been thrown down a hill.
His brain was ringing and he could numbly notice that other people were maybe looking at him as he stalked across the office. He wanted to close his eyes and land in that future moment, when he and Pam would be alone. A date… something that had been the most terrifying object to him before now seemed laughable, a small, insignificant plan that millions of people made with other millions every day.
Without noticing his feet had taken him over to the familiar comfort of the reception desk, and he tried to weigh if he should just wait for Pam here, stand here in his stiff suit and faded cologne and sweep her off her feet, carry her out into their new life together… he laughed internally at how silly that would be, especially since he had just tried to come across so casual. Well, he had just driven two hours, dropped a job offer and a semi-longterm girlfriend, hadn’t even parked his car downstairs and definitely bruised his shin tripping up the stairs to get there (the elevator was not an option for how hard his heart was racing).
Out of the corner of his eye he saw the producer viciously whispering to the camera person, eyes shooting to Jim and back to the room where Pam was still kept sitting. Oh no, can’t let them get me. Thinking quickly, Jim pulled out a sticky note and scrawled on it-
“Pam, pick you up at 7pm for dinner.” He stood there for three seconds, then jotted under it: “I can’t wait.” He stuck it under the little ledge in her desk, making it impossible to spot from the outside. Kevin was trying to catch his eye, obviously inquisitive as to how the interview had gone, so he darted out, crawling out of the ocean onto dry land, and mentally running through every possible restaurant option in Scranton.
Pam was useless for the rest of the interview. Every follow up question received a “Uhm, I don’t know” or an “I guess” as her mind gave 5% of itself to those thoughts, and 95% of it was slowly echoing and digesting the very big small words Jim had come in to tell her. Well really, ask her. Once the crew surrendered to her happy daze and let her go, Jim was gone, and Pam was a little thankful for that. Already she felt like a bright red alarm light, face glowing and all of her breaths coming deeper and quicker as she tried to control them.
The note he left her pushed her head even further into the dreamy clouds that surrounded her right now. She decided that 4:38pm was close enough to leave early, she set the phone on voicemail, grabbed her stuff and left as assertively and unnoticeably as she could. The note must have been shoved into her coat pocket, clutched in her sweaty hand and later thrown away as if she was trying to destroy evidence (a choice that will make future Jim despair, like an archeologist mourning a lost artifact.)
Pam got into her car and drove back to her apartment mostly on autopilot, and only once she was walking down the hallway to her apartment did the mounting anxiety start leaking in again. What did she need to do to prepare for this date, what outfit should she wear? She tried to remember if there was any outfit or color that Jim had complimented, but it was like any functional part of her brain past mechanical was useless to her right now. Well, she knew she should take a shower, so she walked across her garden-level studio (a polite way of saying basement,) started shedding her coat, bag, and shoes, and turned on the water. She stripped down as she waited for it to get hot, and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror before it covered up with steam.
A thought cut through her clouds then, a scary and thrillingly immature thought: Jim might see me naked later. Then, an even crazier feeling: I might see Jim naked. She tried to beat away the thoughts by jumping into the shower while it was still slightly cold, and tried to focus on mechanically shampooing and conditioning her hair. The thought was unavoidable as she soaped up her body, trying not to replace the feeling of her hands with the imagination of different hands, hands that she could picture so well after collecting memories of fingers brushing and warm dry palms. She should shave, she should use that body scrub her sister had given her for christmas last year. She should tweeze her eyebrows, put on face cream, blow-dry her hair… She bounced from one cosmetic treatment to another, trying to distract her brain from the yawning maw of that evening, both the fears and the fantasies feeling equally terrifying.
As if trying to bolster her confidence, she went for a bolder look than usual, pulling out the deep magenta shirt she had ordered online earlier that year. It was slightly low-cut, but it was soft and stretchy, which made it feel comfier then most of her stiff button ups she wore to the office. She put on a pair of pantyhose and a black pencil skirt that had a slight flattering flare in it. Looking at herself in the mirror, she felt a little bubble of confidence, and gave a twist, giving a pose that let her admire the curve of her back, the way the tucked shirt hem drew her waist in. Maybe Jim would think similarly.
Enough of that, she thought, don’t go into this with that expectation. You definitely should not put out on the first date, especially if he’s only a few hours from a break up— or at least, you hope he broke up with her. Oh no. Pam hadn’t even stopped to think about that option.
She sat hard on the chair in her bedroom, and looked at the clock. It was only 6:10, she still had nearly an hour before Jim was coming to pick her up, and different questions were starting to pop up in her mind. Was this even a real date? Had that just been a joke? No, Jim wouldn’t joke about that. He also wouldn’t be a cheater, even though he would cut it close. When he had kissed her while she was with Roy, that hadn’t been him asking her to have an affair with him. Again, her mind connected to something else. That feeling of kissing Jim… would she get to do it again, tonight? Her lips felt numb at the prospect, rolling around the way that last kiss had felt, the familiar memory. It had been a kiss that reached down into her whole body, a kiss so desperate that it made the earth move.
She shook her head again, and landed back on the thought that had been driving her since she ran across those coals on the beach. Whatever happens, happens, she can’t control what other people do, but she could control herself. As she started on her makeup, her darting thoughts slightly slowed down to a calmer spin. She wanted to kiss Jim again. She maybe wanted to do more, but she would wait and see how the moment would feel. Who knows, maybe he wanted to take it slow, work back up to how he had felt about her a year ago, and maybe she would like that too.
Jim did not want to take it slow. The main thing he was feeling right then was a little foolish as he sat waiting in his car, parked at the end of Pam’s block. He had felt a little foolish for most of the past five years, but now his behavior was emboldened, given its due following those choices he had made a few hours earlier. A few hours? Not years? Not centuries? No. He had the missed calls from Karen to tell the time by, one coming every thirty minutes to an hour. He had called her from the road as he drove out of New York, letting her know that he wouldn’t be able to meet up with her and her friends, and he wouldn’t be able to drive her back. Also he thought they should break up. She had said… something, and he had just responded with “I really just think we should break up.” He then said that he hoped she got the job, hung up, and threw his phone into the backseat if his car on silent.
Yeesh, Halpert. He was never really proud of how bad he was at ending relationships, which was ironic because every adult relationship he’d been in he’d had to be the one who broke it off. He knows he should be thankful, but it mostly seemed cruelly ironic that the only times he had been rejected were from Pam. Well, it would have to stay that way. No matter how this date went, or any future dates, he already held an ironclad promise that he would never, ever break up with Pam. She would have to break up with him.
He had at least changed into flattering jeans and what his friends teasingly called his “formal sweater”. That plus a shower had taken him about 20 minutes total, then, filled with deranged thoughts over unmitigated traffic or similar catastrophes that could cause him to be late, he drove over to Pam’s apartment and parked just out of sight. Funny, he thought as he fiddled his keys aimlessly, one of his biggest fears in recent memory was coming off as a creepy stalker. He guessed that now he’d have to replace that with a new anxiety of coming on too strong, somehow messing up this chance. For now he just accepted his strangeness and sat there, waiting at the streetlights slowly lit in the deepening light, all the while Pam sat by her building’s front door, holding a purse and watching the minutes on her watch tick by.
The knock came exactly three seconds after 7pm, and Pam leaped up to open the door before even registering the timing, or the implications of how fast her response was. Bathed in the yellow front light, Jim stood there, looking down at her and her looking up at him. Both of them temporarily forgetting their own names, the space between them filled with a static energy. Clearing his throat, Jim took an inhale in, looked at her, and she looked back. The air hissed out, and he just gave her a wry smile.
“Hi.”
Her face back was full of a mutual bemusement, a moment of awareness of the awkward mountain they both teetered atop of.
“Hi.”
How perfect it was, to be able to share the oddness they felt in this moment with just a glance. Every time Pam looked at Jim it was like she was realizing something new about how she felt. Whenever Jim looked at Pam it was like he was finding something new to feel. The silence stretched out as they both tried to search for the next thing to say.
The first person to break the silence was Pam, taking a step forward.
“Thanks for picking me up, I couldn’t remember if you knew the address for my new place.”
Jim had to clear his voice, feeling like he was shaking water off of his face before responding.
“Mhm, uh, I had it already, from when I drove you home when your car broke down in February…”
“Oh, yes! I’d forgotten.”
Jim hadn’t, the whole drive filled with a dangerous fiery feeling that was kept under his skin, and he remembered the wild thought of pretending to get lost just to make it last longer.
Pam walked forward and made for his car, popping the bubble of tension between them. It was so hard to act normal, but he forced himself out of his stupor to follow her, trotting along and nervously putting his hands in his jeans. He scrambled to the other side of his car and tried to make a little show of bowing her in. He glanced down to see her outfit, and felt such a thrill when he realized that she was wearing different clothes from what she usually wore at the office. They were slimmer, less layered, and it was easier to see the shape of her shoulders, and hips, and… He was glad the light had dimmed and that it might be harder to see his ears go red, busying himself with closing the door and went to the driver’s side.
“So, where are we going?”
“Whuh?”
“I mean, you know,” Pam giggled despite herself. “Where’s our first date going to be?”
That broke them both, and suddenly both of them broke into raucous laughter, the whole strangeness of this crashing into them simultaneously. Pam rolled her head up with the force of her laughs as Jim looked over at her, putting his fist up to his mouth as whining guffaws came out, unable to stop it. Once they subsided, Pam, still looking up, groaned and covered her face.
“Oh god, there’s no way this isn’t going to be really weird, huh?”
“Whaaaat, what could you possibly mean Beesly?”
Jim started to pull out and drive them on the quiet downtown streets.
“First off, to answer your question, we are going to a decidedly not-weird place of Tulio’s, which has, if I do say so, a great view of the lake.”
“Ooh, are you saying this place has ambience?”
“Please,it’s stuffed with ambience. A bit too much actually, it’s starting to leak out and become a problem.”
Paused at a stoplight, Jim let himself look over at her, and felt his heart skip when he saw that she was already looking at him.
“Well, I’ll be walking in expecting nothing but the fanciest. If this place doesn’t have a maitre-d then I'm walking back out.”
“You’ll eat those words. This place rolls out a red carpet when you come in and sets off a flock of doves when you leave.”
“Wow. How much of their yearly budget do they spend on doves?”
“Okay, now that’s rude to ask. I mean, where are your manners?”
“Jim…”
“Yes?”
“It’s green.”
When they pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant, there was a slow quiet as they eased into their spot and Jim turned off the engine, trying to say something. There were just too many elephants in the room. Again, Pam was the one who spoke first.
“I have an idea.”
Jim looked at her, desperate for a structure to cling to.
“What if, while we’re still in the car, we can talk a little bit about… about some of the stuff that has happened, and then when we walk into the restaurant we’ll just be, y’know, starting fresh. It could be like any other first date.”
“Yes, okay, that’s a great idea.” Jim enthused, mostly loving the idea of getting it all out of the way, he didn’t want to spend any longer dwelling on anything that had happened earlier than three hours beforehand.
“So…Karen?”
“Er, yeah, Karen. Well we, we broke up earlier. Well I broke up with her, and she heard it, and she’s pissed as hell, and I’m really thankful that there’s a weekend before I have to see her again.”
“Did you tell her it was because of…?”
“Uh, I didn’t name you, but I think she knows. I mean, I thought she was going to leave me when I told her I still had feelings for you, but somehow we stayed—“
Pam sat up at that. “When did you say that?”
“Oh, months ago. I mean, with Karen and I, it’s like… like I don’t know about her, but I felt the whole time in denial over what it was. I mean, I could never actually tell her what I thought, and I just kept holding on to her… I don’t know, I really feel like we were spending our whole time trying not to talk about you.”
Pam had to process this. She hated the feeling that Karen was out there hating her, and looked at Jim’s face closely as she asked, “Do you think you regret any part of it?” Jim’s face was still and sincere, looking off through the windshield at the cars driving by.
“Staying with her? Yes. I regret a lot of that. But Pam.” He turned to look at her, and the feeling of the eye contact almost overwhelmed both of them. “The smartest thing I’ve done so far was leave that job interview in New York to come here. This, here? This is the best choice I’ve ever made, ever.”
Pam reached over and took his hand in hers, soft and small as it slid into his. He responded with a gentle hold, both of them trying not to grip too tightly but desperately not wanting to let go. Pam lifted her eyes to meet his again, a little misty.
“Jim… I’m sorry for what I said to you on Casino Night. You told me the truth and I… I didn’t do the same.” Jim tried to open his mouth to comfort her and she shook her head, her curls gently bouncing around her face.
“Jim, you were right, Roy wasn’t right for me. He made me so unhappy, and I was just going along so blindly and ignoring… Even if we didn’t end up together, I should have listened to my best friend. I mean, I should have listened to myself.”
Jim was looking away from her eyes, listening but gazing at the shape their hands made together on the center console between them. The delicate ways her pink nails pressed into his broad hands.
“Pam, did you… did you feel the way I did?”
“I think I did. I think that’s why I kissed you back.”
Jim looked at her again as the memory of their kiss washed back over him. Thinking about how she had looked then, how she looked now. Both of their bodies had started to lean into their held hands.
“That was a pretty good kiss, huh?”
Pam’s eyes were softly lidded as she nodded, and Jim could feel his expression sliding away as the magnetic force took over them.
They leaned forward and their lips came together softly, locking together and holding still. The kiss slowly grew, their breaths getting longer and Jim took his free hand and held it to her face, cradling her as he moved the kiss deeper. She opened her mouth to his, pliant and leaning into him. As the kiss stretched and they eased into each other’s movements, the steam between them seemed to catch too. Jim was not expecting to start kissing her this hard, trying not to stick his tongue down her throat, but was surprised when her tongue came into his mouth to meet him. Without thinking her hand was pressing against his side and their bodies bumped into the plastic armrests between them.
Their mouths came apart and both panted, out of breath, Pam tasting Jim’s spit on her tongue. Their minds were full of their kiss, and Jim moved the armrests up and leaned over further, mouths meeting again, still throbbing and somehow more desperate. Pam was pushed up against her seat, letting the momentum of his body carry her, disappearing into the rushing water of the kiss. It was only when she felt the touch of his fingers on her side, gently playing with the waistband of her skirt that she came up for air once again. She looked at Jim’s face and he was still holding his face in the kiss, savoring the taste of it. Of me… Pam thought, and then the second passed and Jim also regained his wits, quickly moving his hand back and sitting back down in his seat.
“Oh, uh, I’m sorry, that was a little—“
“No it was…. It was incredible, I just.” Pam stammered, unable to move the smile off of her face. Jim bit his lip shyly, and he understood what she meant. They should at least pretend to do this in order.
“You’re right, I think… Well, good talk.”
Pam laughed despite herself, and the two of them drew away from each other, righting their clothes and Pam fixing her hair before leaving the car. Right before they walked in Pam called to Jim and he spun to look at her, whole body tingling with excitement. Pam smiled mischievously and got up on her tiptoes to hold Jim’s face in her hand, then rubbed her thumb across his bottom lip.
“Lipstick.”
It was Jim’s turn to smile with his secret, making Pam protest for him to stay still as she wiped it off. He noticed that she didn’t bother to apply more, and had a slight bounce in his step as he opened the door for her, and they held hands as they were shown to the reserved table up on the rooftop of the restaurant.
When they sat down Pam looked at him with a jolt of excitement.
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I forgot, I need to tell you about what Dwight did today!”
Jim’s face lit up, and he motioned for her to go on. Pam started to describe the day-long tenure Dwight had had as manager of the office, and her illicit role within the tangle of intrigue. The waiter had to come back three different times before they had even glanced at the menus to know what to order.
Pam had finished her story, dutifully filling in Jim on the importance of different kinds of topsoil, and Jim stared wonderingly out at the humble Scranton skyline.
“I really can’t believe I didn’t notice that Dwight painted Michael’s office black.”
“Me neither, but I guess that’s just how time treats us.” Pam looked at him pityingly. “Pretty soon you’ll just be another Creed, shuffling around.”
Jim opened his mouth, playing up his offense. “Oh come on, I don’t know if anyone naturally evolves into Creed. I mean, he once tried to tell me that Dwight got decapitated and something about a bird funeral.”
“Oh, that bird funeral actually happened. We had a ceremony and everything, I sang on the wings of love while Dwight accompanied me on the recorder.”
“Okay, now you’re just lying to make me feel bad, there’s no way I missed this.”
“No, I can’t believe I forgot to tell you! Michael had this whole freakout because his old boss Ed Truck died, there was fire, we were holding hands and swaying… but it wasn’t as much fun without you there. And neither was today.” Pam lifted her eyes to meet his gaze, and his heart jolted as another cupid's arrow shot into it.
She tried to casually follow up with “Anyways, I’m sure you had some fun times in Stamford that I didn’t know about…?”
As if was inviting him to maybe tell her his own set of stories, but instead his face just twisted as he looked away.
“I really… did not. I didn’t have a good time.”
There was a bit of a pregnant silence between them then. It was filling with the echoes of that resolution they made in the car, the assertion that they would have a first date just like any other couple. Pam cleared her throat.
“Oh, I didn’t tell you yet, but Dwight had me clean his shoes, and I took a rubbing of the sole so if we ever wanted to pin a crime on him or something-“
Jim came back to the conversation with that, and the two of them started hypothesizing about how easy it would be to make a scenario where they convince Dwight that cloning is real and get him to hunt himself through the woods.
Jim leaned back thinking. “Would it be too creepy to ask you for a photocopy of that rubbing?”
“Why, for your Dwight file?”
“…”
“Shut up, you do not have a Dwight file! Where? It’s not in the office, I know that’s too risky.”
“It’s just… look it’s not weird, but I keep it in my room.”
“I’ve been in your room! Where was it?” Pam raised her eyebrows “Was it under the pillow?”
“Now look, I’m not going to confirm or deny-“
“Oh my god! Wow Jim, in your most private space, right where the magic happens…”
Jim scoffed at this but was turning a little pink. He tried to tease to her teasing.
“Please, as if you know about what happens in there.”
“I don’t know, I sat on that bed, it was pretty springy.” Jim tried to open his mouth but bit his lip. Pam now was noticing his red ears and felt a fun little thrill. Jim shot her a look that he hoped was appropriately flirty.
“Well, who knows, maybe you’ll learn more about how springy… it is.” The words fell lamely onto the table in front of him, and Pam cleared her throat a little.
“You know, I actually wanted to talk about that.”
Jim quickly rearranged his face, trying to look casual but terrified that he had offended her.
Pam continued, “You know, we were talking about wanting to take it slow? I don’t think we should do anything like that… at least not tonight”
Jim nodded, trying to look like an attentive listener as he swallowed hard. “Of course, whatever you want.”
“I mean, usually people wait until the third date before they…”
“Oh, totally! I think that’s more than-“
“And who knows, for us it could be three dates, or even five,”
“I, uh… five? Five dates?”
“Yeah, and I think we should only have one date per week. Also you should maybe talk with my dad.” Pam, still straight-faced, looked deeply serious. “You know, to ask his permission.”
Jim tried to look casual and not stunned, but after a beat he narrowed his eyes. “Hold on. Are you messing with me?”
Pam quirked her eyebrows in response, a tight smile bubbling up to her lips as she tried to keep them still.
“Aaagh, you really got me!” Jim rubbed his face with his hands and looked shamefaced down at his plate. “Okay, haha, very funny.”
Pam giggled at his response, then her face softened as she nudged his shin with her foot under the table.
“No but really… I don’t know, I mean.” She bit her lip “I mean, that kiss was pretty fun.”
Jim peeked through his fingers at her, a funny little hope bubbling up in his chest.
“It was, wasn’t it?”
“I just…” She looked intently the fork she was fiddling with. “I just don’t want you to think I’m like… trashy. You know, so soon after breaking up with Karen.”
Jim took a hold of her hand, trying to think of the right thing to say to this.
“Look Pam, I’m fine waiting however long you want. I mean, if you wanted to even wait till marriage, I’d get over that.” Pam giggled a bit at this, but Jim was still trying to formulate the words of what he meant. “The thing is, if what you’re worried about is what I think? Well, I am ready… whenever you are.” Jim finished slightly awkwardly, and Pam bit her lip.
“What am I just too sexy for you, Halpert?”
Ugh, that terrifying sincerity in his eyes again.
“Yes. I mean, you’re pretty much like, the hottest girl in the world.”
“Oh… well thanks…”
They were both looking away and couldn’t appreciate that they were now matching shades of pink.
Moving her hand to stroke his wrist in a way that made Jim want to shiver, Pam softly said, close to his ear: “You know… I’m pretty full.”
Jim raised his arm and motioned to the waiter that they’d like the check.
As they both tried to casually walk out and get back into the car, Pam offered going back to her place.
“I have a bottle of wine if you want to split it…?”
Jim smiled at her, feeling nervous and gleeful, not even about what might happen, but this whole world they were living in, the reality where he could just lean over and kiss her, hold her, smile for ages at her and never worry about it being too much.