Chapter Text
Nico walks into his apartment, almost falls over himself kicking his shoes off, violently shrugs out of his jacket and violently discards it on the floor, and violently rushes into his bedroom so he can violently flop face-first onto his bed and violently scream into his pillow to process.
It doesn’t really help much.
His phone buzzes from his pocket, and he flops his body around like a dying fish until he can wiggle it free. It’s yet another notification from the group chat. There are now one hundred and fourteen unread messages, because his friends should all be psychiatrically evaluated.
He opens the new message from Will instead.
11:37AM
From: Will
i’ve thought this like a million times but now i can finally say it. you’re cute as fuck when you fail at socialising <3
Nico’s heart tries to climb out of his mouth. Much like all of Nico’s attempts at physical activity, it fails miserably.
12:08PM
To: Will
Glad you think so. It happens pretty much constantly.
Then he opens the dumpster fire of the group chat, doesn’t bother scrolling up to see the multitude of keysmashes and illegible interrogations, and just sends a new message.
12:09PM
To: various parental issues inc.
You all need to calm down. It’s just a date.
That prompts several more keysmashes and illegible interrogations within the span of a few seconds, so he goes back to Will.
12:10PM
From: Will
if i take you to an italian restaurant for our date will you spend the whole time critiquing the lack of authenticity
12:10PM
To: Will
Quite possibly, yes.
12:11PM
To: Will
And who says you’re the one taking me somewhere? I could take you somewhere.
12:11PM
From: Will
maybe we can take each other somewhere and be equals
12:12PM
From: Will
woooooo equality
He’s such a dork. Nico wants to scream with how much he likes him. And Will likes him back . What the fuck.
He could write a message that expresses that sentiment, he supposes. He doesn’t ever particularly show his emotions; maybe Will would be reassured to know that his feelings are reciprocated, even if it was implied when Nico accepted the invitation for a date and then started eating his foot before he left.
Instead, his fingers betray him.
12:12PM
To: Will
Why do you only use lowercase when you text? You didn’t in the emails.
That’s just as romantic. Fuck, wait, he sounds rude.
12:12PM
To: Will
That wasn’t an insult.
No, cazzo , what if Will didn’t think it was and now Nico looks like the rude one for assuming he’d think the worst of someone else?
12:14PM
To: Will
In case it sounded like one.
Okay, he’s saved the situation. Maybe.
12:15PM
To: Will
I’m sorry if it did.
Fuck. He’s already ruined everything in the world ever by accidentally phrasing something like an insult and now Will hates him so badly that he’ll place a curse on his bloodline (not that Nico’s planning on furthering it anyway) (but still the feeling is what’s important) and the feeling is that Will hates him and wants him and his nonexistent descendents dead. Undoubtedly.
Great going, Nico. To distract from the curdling anxiety in his stomach, he opens the group chat again and scrolls up a couple of times before he remembers that human beings evolved opposable thumbs for far greater reasons than enabling his friends to be weirdly overinvolved in his life, and just reads from there.
12:14PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: I THGIOHTN YOPU WEREWS ASEDXUAL OR SOMWTHIONG
water boy: THE ROMAN DTIC NVERISON
12:14PM
From: various parental issues inc.
blond superman: Aromantic?
12:15PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: THAT TTHGUINF
12:15PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: Why did you think that?
12:16PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: HEES EENVR EVEN DAETED BEFOROE
12:16PM
From: various parental issues inc.
horse girl: He might have done!!!
horse girl: Don’t feel pressured into telling us anything Nico!!!
Ah, man. He needs to tell Hazel how much he loves her soon. He really should try to be a better brother. And a better friend. He supposes part of that is opening up, so–
12:18PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: I haven’t dated before.
gerard way’s bastard child: I never wanted to.
gerard way’s bastard child: This is my first date and if it goes well, it will be my first relationship.
Not that he’s even going to have a date now. He’s ruined everything. The world is a never-ending pit of despair and devastation.
12:18PM
From: Will
it didn’t sound rude, you’re good!
Never mind. The world is okay, actually. Sunshine and laughter still exist and Nico’s non-furthered bloodline lives to be inevitably cursed another day.
12:19PM
From: Will
don’t worry about stuff like that nico, i like how you just ask what’s on your mind
12:19PM
From: Will
i wouldn’t have asked you out if i didn’t
12:19PM
From: Will
anyway
12:20PM
From: Will
emails are professional so i need to use grammar and stuff but i don’t in texts
12:20PM
From: Will
because i don’t like capital letters, i think they look really ugly
12:20PM
From: Will
when everything’s lowercase it’s all the same and it looks nicer
12:21PM
From: Will
also sometimes using punctuation on texts makes you sound like a serial killer and i don’t want my victims to catch on before it’s too late
12:22PM
To: Will
Is that what I am?
12:22PM
To: Will
A victim?
This is excellent. Now Nico can also make casual jokes about murder, which is a solid seventy percent of his repertoire. Soulmates, clearly.
A notification from the group chat drops down – not Percy screeching incomprehensibly, so he actually bothers to read it.
12:20PM
From: various parental issues inc.
crazy dolphin: You’ve never wanted to date?
12:23PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: I’ve never felt romantic attraction before.
He pauses for a second. This entire thing has made him feel distinctly uncomfortable. Time to exact revenge.
12:24PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: Only sexual.
12:24PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: OHE EWW GROSS
water boy: WHY
Perfect.
12:24PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: Don’t shame him for having sex
pied piper: Have all the sex you want Nico
pied piper: I’ve always supported your slutty ways
12:25PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: Thank you, Piper.
gerard way’s bastard child: And now we’re never going to talk about my sex life ever again.
Slim to no chance of that happening, but Nico likes to pretend sometimes.
12:25PM
From: Will
well not now that you’ve found out
12:26PM
To: Will
Can I kill with you instead?
12:26PM
From: various parental issues inc.
all da ladies luv leo: No wait we dfeinitely are
all da ladies luv leo: Becuause
all da ladies luv leo: What does ppier mean she’s alwlyas supported your sliutty ways
12:27PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: I caught him sneaking out of a bedroom window once at a party to escape whoever he hooked up with while they were in the bathroom
pied piper: So classy, Nico
12:27PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: Nico di Angelo, you’re a mess.
12:28PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: BRO WHYD DINTOY YOU TELL USB
water boy: WEER MENT TO BE YOUR BROS
water boy: WHUYD DIDNT ME AND JASOJM KNWI
12:28PM
From: various parental issues inc.
blond superman: I knew
12:28PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: WGHAT
12:29PM
From: various parental issues inc.
horse girl: I don’t like this topic of conversation very much
Oh, shit. He forgot about poor Hazel. An innocent civilian caught in the crossfire.
12:29PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: Me either. Let’s move on.
12:29PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: NO
water boy: WAIT
water boy: SOKPA
water boy: oops
water boy: SPO ALL THOS ETIMES WE DRAGGDE YOPU OPUT TO PARTIES
water boy: ANDWE ETHUGUHT YOU WERE LEABIUFBGN TO BE A HEMRIT
water boy: *LEANV ING
water boy: YOUI WERE EHOPOKING UP WITH PELPLRE?
12:31PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: Usually, yes.
gerard way's bastard child: Sometimes it was to be a hermit though.
12:31PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: I hope you were being safe in your sluttiness
12:32PM
From: various parental issues inc.
horse girl: I DON’T LIKE THIS TOPIC OF CONVERSATION VERY MUCH
12:32PM
From: various parental issues inc.
all da ladies luv leo: I can’t believe nico is a manwhore
12:32PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: I’m not slutshaming but was that healthy for you, Nico?
12:32PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: It was actually very good for me. I always kept my room clean which stopped me from procrastinating work by pretending I was going to dedicate all my energy to cleaning.
It also decreased his rates of wallowing in self-hatred by approximately three percent, which is better than none percent, but he has a feeling that his friends might not appreciate that statistic because they’d be distracted by the whole ‘wallowing in self-hatred’ thing.
12:32PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: Whatever works!
12:33PM
From: various parental issues inc.
crazy dolphin: Hazel wants me to let you all know that she’s not looking at her phone again until we move on from this
12:33PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: OH THAT OWN;T BE FOR AWHILE
12:34PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: Why are you so interested in my sex life?
12:34PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: I’m interested in your dating life.
clever one: Who are you going on this date with?
clever one: I need details so I can hunt them down on social media.
Another notification pops up at the top of his screen – from Jason, long enough to be cut off in the preview, so Nico taps on it to read the whole message.
12:34PM
From: Jason
Dude whatever you want to tell them Ill back you up. If you want them to shut up or if you want to tell them more, just do what feels right for you and Im on your side
Because he loves Jason very much, Nico contemplates sending a quick text back to say thank you, and then, because he enjoys severely pissing Jason off more than he enjoys being a nice person, he taps on the message to react with a thumbs-up instead.
12:35PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: Frank, get Hazel back in here.
12:35PM
From: various parental issues inc.
crazy dolphin: Yessir
12:36PM
From: various parental issues inc.
horse girl: This better be worth the trauma
12:36PM
From: various parental issues inc.
all da ladies luv leo: Your brother sleeps around Hazel
12:37PM
From: various parental issues inc.
horse girl: LEO
12:37PM
From: various parental issues inc.
all da ladies luv leo: YOUR BROTHER HAS SEX, HAZEL
12:37PM
From: various parental issues inc.
horse girl: LEO VALDEZ
12:37PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: Shut up, let Nico talk. I need details.
12:38PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: His name’s Will.
gerard way’s bastard child: He’s a surgeon.
gerard way’s bastard child: He looks like a Greek God.
gerard way’s bastard child: That’s all you’re getting out of me.
Nico swipes off the chat hastily, choosing to regress his brain to the glory days of his childhood before he gained object permanence so he can pretend that if he does not see any new messages then they must not exist, and goes back to the thread with Will, squinting to read the new messages. His vision’s gone kind of foggy around the peripheries, and his throat’s a little tight, too, and his hands are shaking a bit and his legs feel numb and heavy at the same time and his chest is aching like a weight has settled on it and those things might usually mean that he’s having a panic attack but it’s definitely not the case this time, he’s pretty sure. Like, the p value is below the threshold for it to be statistically significant, or something, Nico doesn’t fucking know, he makes Reyna do all of his stats analyses for his papers under the guise of could you just show me one more time? I learn best from real life examples!
12:36PM
From: Will
omg cute date idea: brutal murder
12:36PM
From: Will
which brings us back to the point
12:36PM
From: Will
what do you want to do?
Um.
What does Nico want to do?
He stares up at the ceiling to divinate an answer from the plain, boring, white expanse of nothingness. Ha. They have several things in common, then, because suddenly he can’t think of any activity, ever, much less anything that two people could do together. The symptoms of what is absolutely not a panic attack continue to crest as he tries to remember what people do in like, films, and stuff – go to restaurants? Do people do that? Or is that something they’ve made up and Nico will look stupid for suggesting it? No, wait, Will suggested a restaurant already, because he’s clever and beautiful and everything right in the world, but then Nico was a bitch about it.
Ugh, why can’t he just throw an apple at Will and be done with it?
Even if there’s no evidence to support the myth that it was any form of marriage proposal. Still, it’s fascinating to think about where that rumour must have come from – the story of Atalántê and Hippoménês, he’s seen some people theorise, or from the infamous Golden Apple that started the Trojan War, or even the equally unfounded myth that it was actually just a way of showing sexual availability rather than a proposal–
Even thinking about Ancient Greece isn’t enough to stop the not-panic attack from building, and eventually it gets so bad that he pulls down from the top of his screen in defeat. Time to lose everyone who’s ever loved him.
12:39PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: What the fuck, Nico.
clever one: Why would you do this to me.
clever one: That’s nothing to go on.
12:39PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: Wiat
12:40PM
From: various parental issues inc.
all da ladies luv leo: Why do we say ‘liek a greek god’ to mean handsome liek all we have are statures and they dohn’t even have arms anymore
all da ladies luv leo: Omg does he not have arrms nico
all da ladies luv leo: No wait he’s a surgoen
12:40PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: WAIT
12:40PM
From: Jason
Well done dude! Dont think Ive forgotten about the thumbs up though.
12:40PM
From: various parental issues inc.
all da ladies luv leo: does he opperate with his feet
12:40PM
From: various parental issues inc.
horse girl: Aww Nico I’m so happy for you!
12:41PM
From: Hazel
I love you!!! That was really brave!!! And it doesn’t change anything!!! Not that I even need to say that but just in case!!! I love you!!!
12:41PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: I still hope you were being safe in your sluttiness
12:41PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: CAN EVERYEONE SLOW DODNWN FOR A SECOND
12:42PM
From: various parental issues inc.
crazy dolphin: are you homophobic percy
12:42PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: NONONON
12:42PM
From: various parental issues inc.
blond superman: Youre sounding pretty homophobic right now bro
12:43PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: NOOOOOO
12:43PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: Nico, give me an age range at least.
12:43PM
From: various parental issues inc.
all da ladies luv leo: it’s acyuallyu making so much sense now that i’’m thiniking about it
all da ladies luv leo: this isn’t an insult but youu really don’t look liek you’re into women
12:44PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: let’s not stereotype please!!
pied piper: also he could be bisexual
This feels like a safe point to jump back in, especially with the not-panic creeping out of his body at the easy acceptance from his friends. Aside from Percy. He’s acting like he’s giving birth to the acceptance without an epidural, which is roughly what Nico expected from the guy who accidentally set the school on fire after discovering he had a secret half-brother.
12:45PM
To: various parental issues inc.
gerard way’s bastard child: I’m 100% gay but thank you, Piper.
12:45PM
From: various parental issues inc.
crazy dolphin: hate to agree with leo, but i have to second the ‘doesn’t look like he’s into women’ thing
12:45PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: FRANK I TRUSTED YOU
12:46PM
From: various parental issues inc.
blond superman: thirded
12:45PM
From: various parental issues inc.
pied piper: JASON.
12:46PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: ha whos homonphonbic now
12:46PM
From: various parental issues inc.
crazy dolphin: still you
12:46PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: NIOOOOOOOO
In a moment of sheer folly, Nico contemplates clicking onto the group chat and professing that he loves his friends more than anything else in this world, but then he receives a flood of new texts from Percy and is saved from the utter mortification of showing that sometimes he experiences what could be misconstrued as normal human emotions.
12:48PM
From: Percy
IM NOT HIMGOPBIOC I SEAR
12:48PM
From: Percy
NICOP PLEASE
12:48PM
From: Percy
I DONT HABEBW A PEOPMEN WITH IT
12:49PM
From: Percy
IT JSUFY CAUFHT ME OIFF GAURD
12:49PM
From: Annabeth
I think Percy’s about to cry.
12:49PM
From: Percy
PLELEWASSSEEEE ENICO NI RPOMISE
Nico snorts a laugh, and rolls off his bed to crack the window open. Jason always tells him to get some fresh air after he’s had a panic attack – which Nico definitely didn’t have, it’s just a coincidence that he thought of that advice right now, thank you – and he breathes in the crisp scent of outside. Huh. Hang on a moment.
12:50PM
To: Will
You seem like an outdoors person.
Not that Nico has spent a lot of time thinking about how he's ended up with that tan, or anything.
12:51PM
From: Will
i am and i’m taking that as a compliment
12:52PM
To: Will
It is.
12:52PM
To: Will
We could have a picnic.
12:52PM
From: Will
YOU’RE SO RIGHT WE COULD HAVE A PICNIC
12:53PM
To: Will
You’re very passionate about picnics.
12:53PM
From: Will
I THINK THEY’RE REALLY CUTE
12:53PM
To: Will
Let’s have a picnic then.
12:54PM
From: Annabeth
Percy’s about to sob into one of the kittens and I don’t think the allergy tablets are strong enough for that.
12:54PM
From: Annabeth
Please, Nico.
God, what a drama queen.
12:54PM
To: Percy
Calm down. I know you’re not homophobic. We’re good.
Percy replies with some texts so riddled with dyslexia that Nico has a headache just glancing over them. He’ll come back to them later. Or not.
12:55PM
From: Will
WOOOOOOO
12:56PM
To: Will
Do you like dogs?
12:56PM
From: Will
i love dogs!!!
12:57PM
From: Will
do you have a dog
12:57PM
From: Will
nico
12:57PM
From: Will
have you been hiding a dog from me
12:58PM
To: Will
No. But my dad has one. I could bring him. He’s very well-behaved.
12:59PM
From: Will
if you don’t bring the dog then i’ll cry for the whole date
12:59PM
To: Will
When are you free?
12:59PM
From: Will
hopefully the same time as your dad’s dog
12:59PM
From: Will
let me double check my schedule hang on
12:59PM
From: Will
it probably hasn’t changed from the last four times i looked but you can never be too sure
Well. Looks like he has to text his father now.
The sacrifices he’s making for Will Solace already.
12:56PM
From: various parental issues inc.
water boy: NICOPOSAYS SIJMNPT HOPPMGPSIF YOPU CANMA;LSUJSUIT UP
12:57PM
From: various parental issues inc.
crazy dolphin: @clever one can we get a translation please?
12:57PM
From: various parental issues inc.
clever one: “Nico says I’m not homophobic you can all shut up”
After a brief period (over an hour) of deliberation, Nico doesn’t text his dad. He texts Persephone instead, who replies a couple of minutes later to let him know that he can have Cerberus on Thursday, no problem, and then he gets an incredibly dramatic and passive-aggressive text from his father not even thirty seconds after that, lamenting his own lack of message. And then another one from Persephone, laughing at how Hades is now sulking, and the two of them exchange a few more texts at his father’s expense.
It’s not a conventional step-mother and son relationship, but it’s a lot better than the outright hostility and covert trowel stabbings they used to engage in, so Nico will take it. He’ll also take Cerberus on Thursday.
2:14PM
To: Will
Mission Canine Acquisition was a success.
2:18PM
From: Will
FUCK YEAH
2:18PM
From: Will
send pics
2:19PM
From: Will
to be clear i meant dog pics please and thank you
2:21PM
To: Will
Cerberus or my feet?
2:21PM
From: Will
CERBERUS I LOVE HIM ALREADY
2:21PM
From: Will
just going to ignore your foot fetish
2:22PM
To: Will
You’re the one asking for pictures of my feet.
2:22PM
To: Will
[5 images attached]
2:23PM
From: Will
well now i’m afraid to download those
2:24PM
To: Will
They’re pictures of Cerberus, Will. I don’t take pictures of my feet.
2:25PM
From: Will
the goodest boy in existence tell him i would die for him
2:25PM
To: Will
Tell him yourself on Thursday.
2:29PM
From: Will
i can’t wait <333
2:29PM
To: Will
Me neither.
Ah, fuck. Will makes him want to suffer through the mortification of showing that sometimes he experiences what could be misconstrued as normal human emotions.
2:30PM
To: Will
<3