Work Text:
Dear Nat,
I'm writing this at 2am because Scooter is snoring so fucking loudly that there's no way I can sleep through this. I thought you might like to get a letter, it’s cool right? Old school. My dads used to write to each other back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. I think pops still has them all in a box under their bed which is cute. Maybe I should have read some of them for inspiration because I'm not sure what to talk about. I bet their letters were like super romantic and shit. They probably wrote each other poetry and stuff like that. Hey, I can write you a poem:
There once was a girl called Nat,
who looked nothing like a rat,
she flies really fast,
we met in the past,
and one day I might get a cat.
Okay that was harder than I thought it was going to be. Pretty good though right? I’ve been learning My Heart Will Go On on the piano, mainly because it pisses Scooter off and I need a way to get payback for the snoring, but we could learn some harmonies to impress everyone next time we get together?
You have to write back to me.
Stay badass,
Rooster
Roo-roo,
Christ here’s my reply after you hounded me for it. You know we have an amazing invention nowadays called a phone right? In fact, I know you do because you’ve just messaged me a photo of your foot which is beyond disgusting. You’ve definitely got some serious issues there and also please never send me photos of your missing toenails again? You're so gross.
So yeah, not sure why I'm paying good money for a stamp in order to send you to this when we could just text each other, but I hope it makes you happy.
Your poem was so unbelievably bad that I'm forever grateful you didn’t try to make it as a songwriter. One day you might get a cat? What does that mean? You're allergic. Just because rat and cat rhyme doesn’t mean they should both be used in a poem.
There once was a man named Roo,
Found poetry hard to do,
Thank god he’s so hot,
Use his brain he does not,
And his feet are quite ugly too.
No need to feel obligated to write back, I think we should nip this writing thing in the bud immediately, just text me instead. Quit the poetry too whilst you're at it. And sort your feet out!
Speak soon (via text!),
Nat
Dear Nat,
I wrote back! I know you said not to, but I think it’s kind of cool to have receive information in a letter, you can have more time to digest what might be shocking news. I asked dad what kind of things he used to include in his letters to pops and he got weirdly twitchy and asked if I’d ever been to Florida. Do you think he used to write poetry about Florida?
An Ode to Florida:
Florida. Florida,
You're so hot, kind of like the sun,
Except more humid,
Wet sun.
Dad’s poetry was probably more romantic than that, but it would be weird to send you romantic poetry about Florida because I don’t see you as anything other than a friend. Our babies would be beautiful and intelligent and excellent fliers, but alas it’s not to be.
Things here are pretty quiet, I'm hoping my next assignment is somewhere a little more exciting. Also that I don’t have to bunk with someone who snores. At least the weather is decent. By-the-by I'm bi. What's the weather like with you?
Missing you,
Rooster
Dearest Roo,
I wouldn’t be too confident that anything that shares your genetic material is going to come out intelligent. One or two notes:
1. You must stop the poems.
2. I'm unsure why you think I'd need ‘time to digest what might be shocking news’. Mostly unsure what you think about your coming out is shocking, aside from the fact it’s taken you this long.
3. I’ve since finished reading Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home and they strongly discourage using phrases that might be seen as a negative reaction to coming out. For the purpose of the tape let it be known I'm totally shocked, surprised, and shocked by this news. I had absolutely no idea this was coming.
4. Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home recommends we recognise cries for help, which I can only assume hiding ‘by-the-by I'm bi’ in talk amongst the weather is. If you need to talk then please CALL me. I'm only responding via letter because you're clearly too awkward to discuss it in any medium other than the written word.
5. You don’t have to clarify that you're not going to write me romantic Florida poems. First of all, that’s definitely not a thing. And secondly, I’ve seen you naked and your bum was so flat and sad that it actually put me off men altogether for a little while.
6. Have you told your dads yet? Are you planning to? I'm sure they'll be cool about it but if not let me know and I can fight them.
7. Hopefully this is the last letter I’ll need to send you and you’ll reply with either a text (normal), or a phone call (mildly unhinged, best saved for cases of emergency). No need to write back!
All my love,
Nat
P.S.
I write this poem to show support,
Your bisexuality you did report.
I’ll love you to the end of time,
Ignoring your inability to rhyme.
No matter what, you really rock,
Even if you now like… men
Dear Nat,
Thanks for being so cool about the bisexual thing, I knew you would be. To address the points you laid out:
1. They say that poetry is the food of love,
I hope you're hungry, bitch.
2. What do you mean?! I literally only realised like a month ago, there’s no way you already knew?
3. Do you have some sort of sponsorship deal with the authors of Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home? Are you contractually obligated to write the title out in full every time?
4. Letters are a beautiful and dying form of communication. What a special treat it must be for you to receive letters from me, I bet everyone on your base is super jealous. Also it’s very awkward to just text someone that you're bi, much easier to ease them into it with some clever wordplay.
5. My bum isn’t flat and sad! Why were you looking anyway? Pervert.
6. I came out to my dads and they were super chilled about it. Like weirdly chilled, I thought for sure dad would throw a parade or something. Now I think about it, do you think it’s morally wrong of them to not have made more of a big deal about it? Thank you for offering to beat them up though, it’s definitely not needed and my dad is technically bi too, but I have absolutely no doubt in your abilities to win a fight against two geriatrics. Did it mention anything in your weird gay child book about parents being too blasé about their kids coming out?
7. Write back to me, if you don’t it’s a hate crime.
Kisses,
Rooster
Dear Roo,
I really hope you're joking about the only just realising thing. I was ready to let you come out in your own time (as suggested by Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home #notsponsored) but if I'd known that you hadn’t twigged then I'd have started dropping hints. Don’t you remember that dick of a pilot you met for literally 10 minutes and then talked about for days afterwards? What was his name? Tic Tac Toe? You obviously fancied the pants off him, I just thought you were too embarrassed to tell me because you clearly have terrible taste in men.
Your bum is flat and sad, and I can only hope it isn’t going to cause issues in your dating life. Perhaps it’s time to incorporate more squats into your gym routine? Thank god your face isn’t wholly unpleasant to look at, even with that monstrous moustache – for the hundredth time, please reconsider that. Also don’t make it sound like I was looking at your bum for the thrill of it, you were the one who decided to get your tattoo there. I managed to get mine done without flashing the entire tattoo parlour.
I consulted Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home and there wasn’t anything about what to do if there’s a total lack of reaction to your kid coming out, but then again the book really focuses on steering parents away from making mistakes like that. Are you sure you don’t want me to lend your dads my copy? I've read it three times now and have it mostly memorised. Talk me through exactly what you said to them and exactly what they said in response.
I am not hungry,
For some subpar poetry,
Stick to your flying.
Love ya,
Nat
P.S. I'm sure you’re over the awkwardness of coming out by now so feel free to just drop me a message instead of writing back.
Dear Nat,
First of all, you went on deployment with the man for six months, so I know you know his name was Hangman and not Tic Tac Toe. Secondly I don't know why you think I'd fancy him when he was quite possibly the worst person I've ever met? You're very odd sometimes.
Okay so the coming out went something like this:
It was a dark and stormy night and I'd gone over to see my dads for a BBQ (it wasn’t actually dark and stormy, it was light and sunny, but that didn’t seem as thrilling a way to start the story). So we’d eaten (dad and I got into a hotdog-eating competition and I totally would have won except uncle Sli and aunt Jen were there and aunt Jen always wins). We were all pretty tired and put a movie on, some old Western and Aunt Jen said that the main guy was really handsome and I agreed.
On one hand I'm glad they all took it so well, but on the other I was convinced Pops at least would try and sit me down and have a deep conversation about “feelings”. And uncle Sli never misses the opportunity to make me the butt of his jokes. So the whole thing is kind of weird, what do you think I should do?
I'm going to be a bit more vulnerable with my poem this time, I know you secretly love them. I wanted to do a Haiku like you did, but I didn’t know how you’re supposed to know how many syllables are in a word? Is there a list somewhere? But I hope you like my experiment with something new…
My Feelings:
Confusion… Joy……….. Love… Anxiety…….. Hunger………
Hope to hear from you soon (via letter!),
Lots of love,
Rooster
PS. You clearly don’t understand my torrid love affair with letter writing. I live to vex you.
Dear Roo-Roo,
Your poetry doesn’t often leave me speechless, but wow. That was odd weird awful something! I would like clarification on whether you meant hunger like a yearning kind of hunger or you were wanting more hotdogs? And you accused me of being the odd one... Also you count the syllables out for a Haiku? How do you not know this? How are you a pilot? How did you graduate from high school? How are you so handsome yet so so stupid?
Onto the most important part of the letter, please tell me there was a second sheet of paper that somehow got lost that explained the second half of your coming out. Please god let me have misunderstood somehow, and that you don’t actually think agreeing a movie star is hot amounts to a coming out. I'm going to hold your hand when I say this, you did not come out to your family, you need to do it again but better. Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home suggests that you sit down and have a face-to-face conversation that include the following things:
- Honesty
- Clear communication
- An open mind
- Love
I'd suggest starting with, ‘dad, dad, I'm bisexual’ and go from there. Do not mention Tic Tac Toe boy (who you clearly want take all of your clothes off for, even if it will expose your disappointing derriere) because honestly he does nothing except open the door for ridicule.
The offer still stands for me to send over Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home, just stop being so weird about their identities (for real is your dad the president?) and I’ll get a copy to them asap.
I know a man who hit every branch when he fell out the stupid tree,
Down he tumbled,
In life he now relies on pretty privilege,
One day that might not be enough,
That day fast approaches.
Good luck! No more letters now, please just text.
Nat
Dear Nat,
Thank you for the poem! That’s so cool you did that thing with the first letters, did you invent that? I thought I was being pretty clear about the coming out, I'm not sure how much more obvious I could have been? But I took your advice and went around for dinner last week and used the words ‘I'm bisexual’ and it turns out they already knew?? And not in a ‘we know you better than you know yourself because we’re your dads’ kind of way. Apparently I told them I was going to marry Ben Adams when we were eight and they just took that as gospel and have never mentioned or acknowledged it since? I'm just so confused because a) I don’t even remember that conversation happening, and b) surely that doesn’t count? Nat, they're being too chilled about this and it somehow feels homophobic.
I came out to my dads,
It could have gone bad,
But they haven’t said a thing,
What does this mean?
Please consult your gay child bible and get back to me with advice.
Lots of love,
Rooster
Dear Rooster,
I'm not sure we should be accusing your two gay dads of homophobia quite yet, but fair enough that you'd like more acknowledgment from them. This was a big brave thing for you to finally come to terms with and tell them, even if you had apparently already realised and told them over a decade before. It's a very weird situation and I'm not sure if the blame lies with you (probably) or your homophobic gay dads (probably not). I've looked at Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home and funnily enough they don’t have any specific advice for this kind of situation. Leave it with me though, I have a plan.
There once was a boy named Bradley,
Whose coming out went quite badly,
He told them he's bi,
‘We don’t care’ they did cry,
And he’s taken the news very sadly.
I think it’s safe for us to draw a line under this whole letter malarky and never write to each other again. I wish I could say it had been fun, but I think it’s been very confusing for us both in more ways than one. Next time you want to come out please try doing it via text. Now I think about it, both of your recent coming out attempts have been pretty awful (I know that Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home wouldn’t want me to say that, but it’s true). We can brainstorm ideas for next time.
Stay weird,
Nat
P.S. No I did not invent acrostic poetry?
Dear Mr Rooster’s Dad and Mr Rooster’s Other Dad,
I hope this letter finds you both well. I'm sorry to write to you so out of the blue but I’ve sent you a copy of a book you might find of some interest. It’s called Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home and I thought you might like to give it a read, especially chapter three: My Child Has Come Out, What Now?
It might surprise you to hear this, but Rooster has only recently become aware of his sexuality, and therefore his recent coming out to you was quite a big deal. Whilst it’s lovely that you're both so supportive and accepting, I think Rooster perhaps was looking for slightly more acknowledgment from you both (apparently his pronouncement was followed with ‘yeah we know, can you pass the mashed potato’).
I think it’s really affected him, and can be the only explanation for his recent foray into poetry, something that should be avoided at all costs. I have no doubt this is a passing fancy, as he’s really quite terrible at it, but if we can all strive to make it pass even faster then that would be great.
Best wishes to you both,
Natasha ‘Phoenix’ Trace
Dear Natasha,
Thank you so much for your kind letter – how lucky Bradley is to have a friend such as yourself. Please be rest assured that I’ve taken all of your advice onboard and have hopefully remedied things. We had a long chat in my office the other night about how he feels about it all.
You're quite right, Understanding My Gay Child: When Homosexuality Hits Home was a riveting read, and don’t worry, as the kids would say ‘I was picking up what you were putting down’ when it came to the passages you’d highlighted and, in some cases, underlined multiple times in pen.
Bradley tells me you have some shore leave coming up and we’d love to invite you to join us at Bradley’s coming out party on Saturday 23rd. It will be held at our house, and it’s going to be very relaxed, just us and some family friends, but we do have a pool so please feel free to bring swimwear if you're so inclined. We’d love to finally meet you, we’ve heard so much about you from Brad.
Hope to see you soon,
Tom ‘Iceman’ Kazansky-Mitchell
Hi Natasha,
Just a quick note to say thanks for letting us know about Brad. In my defence, they were really good potatoes and I thought he’d done his coming out ages ago, but you’re probably right that we should have pretended to be more surprised, at least that's what the book Ice is reading says. Hopefully you're coming to Brad’s coming out party, if not the average age will be about 150 (not including me, I'm super hip and young and cool). Wolf is baking a cake and that's usually fun, sometimes he puts sparklers in it so don’t come wearing anything flammable as there have been both major and minor explosions in the past.
Mav K-M (Brad’s dad, the cool one)
Nat: 1123: YOUR DADS ARE MAVERICK MITCHELL AND ICEMAN KAZANSKY?!?!
Nat: 1123: FROM THE PHOTO IN THE TOP GUN FOYER?!?!
Nat: 1123: YOUR DAD IS THE COMPACFLT
Nat: 1123: I SENT THE COMPACFLT UNDERSTANDING MY GAY CHILD: WHEN HOMOSEXUALITY HITS HOME
Nat: 1124: YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Nat: 1124: YOUR DAD TOLD ME TO BRING A SWIMMING COSTUME. I'M NOT WEARING A SWIMMING COSTUME IN FRONT OF THE COMPACFLT I MIGHT AS WELL DANCE NAKED IN FRONT OF HIM
Nat: 1124: BRADLEY BRADSHAW YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED