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He wasn’t sure why he had said it. Perhaps it was because he was woken up from his drunken slumber with a face full of water, sobering him up way too quickly, or the face that after opening his eyes he was met with Marnie’s disappointed face.
Shane hadn’t even clocked the other people in the room as she started to talk, and as the seconds ticked by of him being awake, those horrible feelings quickly made themselves known again.
“ All you do it mope around and drink beer” the words would leave her lips, but it felt like it was his own personal voice as well. The man’s frown deepened. Would she rather he sit in the living room? And expose Jas to the mess he really was?
“ Do you ever think?…” Marnie started to talk again after the beat of silence.
Yeah he did, way too much, way too often. Truly his brain never shut the hell up about his faults, his failing and everything else negative it could conjure up. Yoba what he would do to not be having this conversation now, or ever.
“ What are your plans for your future?” She then asked, voice dripping of pity, and annoyance.
Before Shane could stop himself and think for a damn moment, he was already speaking.
“ plans?! Hopefully I would be around long enough to need any.” He practically snapped but the tears stinging his eyes made the sob stuck in his throat bubble up.
But before he could, someone else did…Jas.
He looked up only to see her turn tail and run from the threshold of his room, Marnie glaring at him before going after her, leaving Shane sitting on his dirty bed room floor, with the farmer.
The sob that was in his throat finally escaped as his curled in on himself, clutching at his hair “ Fuck! Jas…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” he sobbed but made no effort to get up.
He didn’t even notice the farmer leave, making him the sole participant in his own pity party. He didn’t know how long he laid on the floor, crying to himself at the realization that it was true, he really didn’t want to be around anymore.
——
It was later in the day then usual that Marnie dropped off Little Jas to Sam’s house, not that he minded, it kept Vincent busy and left time for him to continue to work on his music. He sat at the dinning table with a music sheet and pencil, tuning out his mom and the other woman talking as Jas walked in to the kitchen with his little brother. He couldn’t help but glance at them only to notice Jas looked horribly upset. Seemingly Vincent had noticed as well.
“ your sad, why?” The little boy asked, Sam now watching the exchange.
“ I think…I think Uncle Shane is going to move away….and I don’t want him to leave..I’ll miss him so much…” she muttered, making the blonde man raise an eyebrow. Surely he would have heard about this before now if Shane was planning on leaving, he would have to give at least two weeks notice at Joja.
“ maybe he’s going to be gone, and come back like my dad!” Vincent offered up, trying to make her feel better.
“ but he said he don’t got to worry about the future cuz he won’t be around much longer…” she explained, shaking her little head. Sam felt a pit in his stomach as he immediately stood up, clearly startling the child who had not seen him.
“ oh- well spend lot of time with him before he goes” his little brother offered…children were just too innocent.
“ how about I make you to a snack” Sam then said, needing to divert this conversation.
“ yes please!” They would say in unison.
As he worked on making sandwiches his mind wondered, sure Shane looked miserable on the best of days but he wouldn’t really….Would he? Sam never got to know the man much better than a few words shared at work about horrible management and ludicrous schedules. Sure he knew the man was a hardly functioning alcoholic, but most of the town knew that. But he also knew that he was the stars in the sky in his kids opinion, from every time the man was bright up in a conversation, had would have nothing but positive things to say about him, even if she didn’t know any better.
“ here you guys go, enjoy” he handed them both their food before they ran off to eat elsewhere. He had to do something, he knew Emily was a bit closer to Shane than anyone else, perhaps he would talk to her, so she could reach out and help.
————
The next few days of Shane’s life seemed to be ripped right out a personally crafted nightmare. People looked at him more often, like he was wearing some bright colored clown outfit, their eyes burrowing in to his skull and making him uncomfortable. And then on top of that, he was given an extra two days to work, being called in during the weekend. He was slightly grateful though, having an excuse to not be in the house and near Jas or Marnie, the later who couldn’t even look him in the eyes.
At the end of his Sunday shift he beelined it right to the bar, the last two day he had to stay late at work and couldn’t be assed to drink anywhere but his bedroom. But he had fished his last can the night before so the bar was where he would go to get his fill.
He opened the door and immediately all eyes were on him, making him drop his head and shuffle his was over to his normal spot, sitting down on the stool….every still looking at him, did he have something in his hair? Why the hell was he the most interesting thing at the moment. He just wanted to drink and be left alone.
He felt relieved as Gus started to make his way over and everyone turned away.
“ just the usual-“ he started to mumble out before Gus sighed
“ You're banned.”
.
.
.
“ what?” Shane said, because he clearly wasn’t hearing him right, chuckling softly “ no seriously what? I think I heard you wrong?” He forced a wide face smiled on his face as to try and act like this was a joke.
Gus just frowned “ your banned Shane. I’m not serving you any more alcohol.” He said and looked at Shane who looked like he was about to explode.
“ WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IM FUCKING BANNED?! I sit quietly in my corner and I dont get loud or get into fights and YoU CANT!! I DIDNT DO SHIT!” He yelled, clearly distraught, because what had he done to get his ass banned from the saloon. He was a paying costumer!
Gus looked hurt “ Sorry Shane, but I can’t watch you hurt yourself anymore, now leave.”
Shane immediately stood, mouth agape. So a guy couldn’t have a drink after a long day?
“ fuck you.” He sneered, flipping him off just to get the point across before storming out of the building, and making sure to slam the door behind him. He immediately stated to walk to the general store, because seriously he needed to drink and he was completely out at home, and FUCK IT WAS WEDNESDAY. He grumbled as he stood infront of the locked door. He plopped down on the bench closest to him.
What had crawled up gus’s ass and made him decide he didn’t like Shane anymore? He practically kept the saloon afloat with how often he was spending his money there. And what did he mean by “hurt himself”?
He was drinking to do the opposite of that, keep himself level headed and calm. Keep the horrible thoughts out that everyone would be better off without him, staining their view like a dirty piece of trash.
The next day wasn’t any better, actually it might have been worse, because on his way home from Joja, now banned from the saloon, he stopped into Pierre’s and grabbed a 6 pack, and set it down on the checkout counter before going to fish his wallet out of his back pocket.
“ no.”
He looked up to see the man shake his head.
“ what? No?” He asked, thinking he must have missed something-
“ I won’t check this out for you. You are not allowed to buy alcohol from me.” Pierre said and took the case from the counter, leaving Shane looking at him dumbfounded.
“ what do you mean Not allowed? I’m over 21 last time I Checked, what? Do you need to see my ID?” He pulled his wallet out.
“ I mean, I don’t want to be responsible, so I’m not going to sell you alcohol.” The man explained but made Shane ever more confused.
“ responsible?! For what?! Just give me my damn booze!” He growled and slammed his fist on the counter.
“ no, and if you don’t watch it I’ll ban you from my store too. We care about you Shane, we are doing this so maybe you reconsider what your life is worth, and stop drowning yourself in beer. You have a kid to take care of, and as a father myself, I can’t let you continue.”
Shane then felt the whole world stop, and narrowed his eyes at the man. How did he know…the only people in that room where…is that why Gus banned him too, and why everyone had been looking at him…because somehow the word got out he said he wanted to kill himself?! He shot a glare at the man and shoved his wallet back into his pocket before stalking out the door.
He damn well knew the farmer had nothing to do with it, and if they did he would genuinely be surprised, because they didn’t seem like the gossiping type, especially on a sore subject. His aunt would never do such a thing either so he was completely clueless on how it got out, but now he needed to figure out if to work around it.