Chapter Text
***
It was so damn fast. So much, it felt like everything happened in a blink of an eye. Every action, word, sound and touch, all blurred and become a miserable cacophony. Honestly, If Obito tried to describe the events one by one, he'd fail to. The brain got so overwhelmed to an extent, he'd swear it was actually melting, in real time. Best guess as to why, is that a goddess was involved in this mess. The mind of a simple being can not comprehend what it is seeing. Never fully. Still, even with that in mind, nothing that comes after makes any sense.
Especially the current circumstances he ended up in.
One second Obito was hit by Kaguya's deadly attack and the next thing he remembered was the frustrating – and unfruitful – attempt to talk things out with Kakashi. In theory, it was very poetic. Two lost friends standing in between life and death at the same side – at last – to say their goodbyes, grateful for the chance to have this heart to heart conversation, nonetheless. Supposedly, because nothing went like this. To begin with, Kakashi and Obito aren't even friends. At least, not in ways it matters. The thing is, there were no memories to connect over and, for the same reason, nothing to tell. Too much time had passed to even remember anything joyful from the long lost past. So, instead of a tearful goodbye – or maybe a hug Obito secretly hoped for – what they had was a prolonged and awkward silence, as both didn't know what to say to the other. The only saving grace in it was that not a single soul was there to witness it, except Kakashi.
And, that's about it, that perturbed conversation between them two was one of the last things that Obito can remember, before death reached to collect what was theirs to claim. After so many times of running away, finally his time had come. The world had blissfully turned into nothing and, with the ease of a dying man, Obito believed that this was the finish line. The ungraceful ending, one that had been a long time overdue.
Obito felt it. The death's touch on his very soul. How it held him is its cold grip, the feeling Obito knows far too well. The only difference, he won't be able to run away, this time. It's too late, no tricks will get Obito out at this rate. Yet, despite the cold filling every bit of his trembling existence, it was also a reassuring sensation. Death's embrace was not cruel nor judging, it was just there. It's secure and unwavering.
Obito had never felt secure, in, probably, anything. Not a single time. Only in death was Obito finally set free.
And yet, all Obito can think in his final moments of sentient being was:
«I don't even deserve it».
Despite all the odds and the death's merciful release from burdens of the earthly life, his heart felt for one last time. Heavy was it with oh so many guilty regrets and ached for something. That one little bit of him that still wanted to preserve, it was still wishing to keep on fighting. Even if doing so was extremely selfish.
Logically, it made sense that someone as horrible as Obito had to die such a senseless death.
Or did he, really?
Obito never repent for all sins he committed nor find a peace within himself, after – forcibly – losing identity for so many years. In the end, he became just another confused soul, brought to this world and died in a very similar state, just with more despair and guilt to top that. Alongside with the blood of all he killed.
Obito spent all his life walking towards the wrong direction and it was all for nothing. And now he is dying for nothing, too. So much he did and then nothing happened. He just died.
«What a senseless end».
But such a fitting end.
Such a fitting end it would have been, if Obito actually died, wouldn't it?
Obito reached an enlightenment, that light headed feeling he had ever experienced once and it was coming back in full force. Back in that cursed cave, before being almost buried alive. Back when he was still Obito. And now he was feeling just the same. Obito was that close to find what was on the other side. In fact, Obito swears he almost heard someone's voice, on the outskirts of the other side. Someone from the long lost past. A ghost, a memory. This voice was kind and very familiar, too. So familiar, that it brought tears to Obito's eyes. Such an alien sensation, when you can not actually feel it.
Their hands were in Obito's, the hold was firm, yet not exactly there. Like a touch of silk on your skin and just as light.
–I guess you're just always late, Obito, huh?
The voice spoke with a hint of a joke hidden within words, but mostly she sound just tired. Obito can not recognize to whom that voice belongs, but for some reason knew that it was, in fact, a she right away.
–Unfortunately it is not your time yet, – she said in an apologetic tone, –But do not worry, we will meet again.
And just like that, with those last words and a brief look at the strangely familiar face, Obito woke up. Again. The death let go of Obito's soul, for reasons he can not comprehend.
Apparently, even death deemed Obito too bothersome to be dealing with.
Upon waking up this time, at least, there was no cave or old man creeping around and for that he was thankful. Instead, the sun was shining so brightly, it instantly assaulted Obito's with its light. The eyes were still badly damaged from previous overuse, so he was forced to close them in a hurry. Too painful to see, at least till regeneration kicks in full force. He understands it.
But, understanding didn't stop Obito from feeling like a used and torn apart piece of a dirty cloth.
–I'm such a ruin…– he mumbled, addressing nobody in particular.
During the time when the world was dark and unknown, he felt only a sensation of something feather-like light tickling his palms and back. Obito suspected that to be nothing more but a grass. And, on a second time when he crooked a careful glance around, it was proven to be exactly that. Just good old grass. Everything was covered in it, flourishing with all sorts of colorful splashes of flowers and insects. Such a perfect picture. And that was exactly what made it concerning.
«That's not it. I wasn't there a moment ago, for sure».
Of course, he quickly realized that it was a different location from the cold dimension where he had, supposedly, passed away. Upon waking up, he had zero idea of a current placement and what it means for him to be there.
At the beginning Obito deduced it was some sort of dream or afterlife. He was dying just a moment ago, after all. And, what is all this but not a personalized little hell, a place devoid of anybody he cared about. Only Obito and his thoughts for all eternity. He'd hate it.
Yet, it didn't sit right, that idea of his. Because, it felt too real. Like being alive, real.
Heavy body, especially where Obito remembered he landed, back when fighting against Kakashi. Not only that, but everything around was fading in and out of focus, because of how tired his eyes are. And, of course, an exhausting, draining pain.
Pain can not exist in pure lands. Any feeling of that sort was a living thing.
The understanding, however heavy it was, comes to Obito surprisingly easily.
«I lived then, it seems,» – he thought with acceptance, but unenthusiastic nonetheless.
What is there to be happy about, even if he lives?
After all he had gone through, Obito was not sure how to feel. He had done everything he could and there was nothing left.
Is he guilty and unsatisfied? Yes.
But there's just nothing waiting ahead of him.
Nothing.
Life had lost its meaning after Obito fully realized how much pain and misery he had caused for the shinobi world. How there was no actual meaning to all those deaths – Kushina, Minato, Kisame, Konan, Nagato and other innocent people that crossed his way. It was all for nothing. And, as delusional as he was, even Obito understood that there was no way to redeem what he had done.
Obito should have died and stayed that way, for the better.
But, even with all that being truthful, selfishly, he also wished to repent and try better what was done by him. Change the world for the better, this time around.
Tired, drained even, and unenthusiastic of the continuing cycle of hurt, Obito still wanted to persist and to see the light at the end of the road.
Pathetically he hoped, even if for a short second.
Aside from personal feelings, there was a problem and it's a huge one.
«How will people react to my return to the land of living?»
Obito already felt drained just by thinking about how the masses would react or what they would do. Definitely the second he'd show up in front of Konoha gates he'd be shot by shurikens, kunais and whatever jutsu people had in their arsenal at the moment. Not good at all – for him, at least.
«People would be right to kill me on the spot. I understand them more than I want to admit, but,» – he thought, dull and careless about the subject of his own life being taken away again, – «It would be so exasperating to witness all the Kaguya events – a literal goddess – and end like this, isn't it?».
But is there even any possibility for Obito to avoid all of that mess? The consequences of his own actions? No, there's no way around it, he fears.
With an understanding of the inevitable future, Obito stands up on his waddling legs, like that of a newborn deer, trying to adjust to standing. If he wasn't as tired and beaten up, he'd probably be embarrassed. Now he just can care less. After a cursed eternity – well, probably just a few minutes, actually – he goes, slowly and reluctantly, to face his own poor life choices. Obito held his head high while doing so, still. No matter what, he's not going to backpedal now.
–Maybe I am an omega, but I'm not a pussy, – he said in an attempt to cheer himself up.
Obito felt extremely stupid for saying such a thing out loud not even a second later. But, even so, it did filled him with a newfound strength and even a weak beginning of determination. And, what keeps you going is a good thing, isn't it? Even if it's a deranged joke.
Feeling more like himself, Obito proceeds to walk around, still kind of slow on his step and shaking a little. But, even in this bad state, he still manages to silently bargain for information by observing and listening to those unaware of his presence. A trick he perfected during the Tobi era. People, naturally, talk. Word for word, they masterfully create a full picture in his mind. And, wow, those were surely delicious pieces of information. Shockingly so.
Turns out, he was worried for all the wrong reasons. Those who knew Obito and his crimes were not a problem to worry about.
Because, they do not exist. Not yet.
Of course Obito's luck ended with him being magically alive. What was he even expecting? To see Rin again? Try again, it's Warring states era. Perhaps, Konoha was in the process of creation though, but it really does not make anything better.
«In general, I'm in the times when dinosaurs were real,» – as he thought, the images of Madara's old and dusty face flashing before his eyes, – «Ok, I'm exaggerating, but it's still crazy».
What is Obito gonna do now?
Obito doesn't have such a big knowledge about this time period. Despite endless lectures about his past, Madara was really vague when it came to any important events or about the actual shit that was happening behind the curtains. As it was, he talked only about himself, Hashirama and how his clan chose to suck the Senju`s big and fat dick over his absolutely rational decision to annihilate everyone to insert dominance. Very reasonable and absolutely not emotionally charged act of revenge. But, thanks to him Obito has no knowledge and no understanding about the situation he came in, at all.
The realization hit him, metaphorically, almost just as hard – if not moderately stronger – as when he found out it was Madara who orchestrated Rin’s death. And, Obito might have had a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty moment where he lost control over himself. Surroundings become blurred and trembling like a leaf on the wind. But no weather or any sudden attacker was at fault, it's him, who was shaking. Utterly pathetic. But Obito just can't help himself, as it stings, right where it hurts the most.
All that Obito had ever wanted is to make the world a better place. So that no “Obito” will ever see “Rin” die, nor any “Kakashi” had to become a weapon of someone else's power games.
Was it such an unreachable goal?
Obito can not suppress the helpless dread crawling inside his heart, leaving strong roots there and growing stronger with each heavy breath. He felt so useless in face of this reality of another hell. People who are dear to him will yet again know the painful future. On this battlefield he can not win. Despite having all the right cards in his hands, the memories of the future, Obito can do little to nothing to prevent anything.
He really is useless. And it actually feels like salt on an open wound. Hurts so bad he had a full body reaction.
«Fuck Kamui for all the trouble,» – he thought, weakly trying to fight the urge to vomit and save himself at least a little of pride, – «If not for those stupid eyes, I would have been happily deep underground, all these years ago».
Still shaken, Obito desperately tried to think rationally. What else could he possibly do?
Variant number one, to kill Zetsu before all the events. But how could he pull it off if Obito had no idea where his hideout was now? Number two, is to save Izuna and then force Senju and Uchiha to cooperate. But what if the Uchiha is already dead?
What will he do if Izuna is dead and Madara is already spiraling into madness?
«I don't know, maybe I could shake Madara really hard so the damn plant parasite pops out of his empty head?» – he thinks frantically, but even to himself it sounds like the mad man talking.
Thinking about all this made him feel stupid, useless and even more tired. And by all means Obito is tired. Exhausted even. The way he never felt before. All his body struggles to be in the upright position. After a near death experience Obito shouldn't be conscious right now in the first place. Still, Hashirama cells or not, it was too much even for his high healing factor.
Soon Obito was running out of ideas and so was his hope and energy. At some point all he became was just a tired body, moving solely on autopilot and gravitating closer and closer to the ground with each movement. If he wasn't so busy spiralling, perhaps Obito would have noticed earlier how the world around him became so blurred.
He also didn't notice when exactly the grass became so intimately close, too. Mind and body, both collapsing at the same time, made you miss some things.
Consciousness was gradually slipping away from Obito's grip, but he still kept on trying to think of the solution. Played over all possibilities of different scenarios, where in the he could have intervened. Not a single idea seemed all that good of a decision. Every one's result would just be as bleak, as the future he knew it, or even worse.
And that was what Obito feared the most. Making things worse.
What if Obito, by doing any dubious subtle change to the timeline, will erase Rin and Kakashi's existence, entirely? He can not lose them. Not like that. Even if Rin and Kakashi won't ever be the same.
«Maybe it all just means that I'm not to do anything, not after all I already did to the world,» – Obito thought as he gripped onto the free grass beneath his fingers, head bowed low, almost touching that same ground, – «Is my only destiny is to watch it all unfold? Again?»
Like as if it was yesterday, he ghostly remembers the sound of thousands of birds. They had sung, but the melody was so cruel, electrifying. It smeared the blood all over the place in an instant. The technique that killed Rin.
Someone, who had never meant to die. Someone really important.
It was an exact event that opened Obito's eyes. The day when he realized that the world is hell.
But it wasn't.
Yet, how come something so cruel can ever happen?
He was no longer standing or attempting to, but scrambling on all fours, forgetting any shame.
Was everything always to be doomed?
Was everything useless, from the very beginning?
«Maybe I should just give up».
It is so unlike Obito, to give up long before even attempting to fight. Lately he sure has done a lot of things that were out of his character, like actually talking to Kakashi. Or listening to a blond teenager who is far too kind for own good. He even helped him to save the world. From himself, but still.
Yet, what if there's just no way?
«I should just...»
What if hope was a useless sensation for those with empty heads?
«I should...»
What is there left to do?
«I should have died».
With that last traitorous thought fixed in his mind, Obito fell asleep and drifted away, far away from worry. Not free, but not heavy either. Just empty.
Obito certainly chose the worst place for losing consciousness though. In the middle of the open road. Obito was almost begging those who pass by to slit his throat in sleep. So careless. In reality, Obito was so out of it, from all pain and heartache, to the point he just started to give zero fucks about anything.
Tomorrow Obito is going to think back at his tired self with disgust, isn't he?