Chapter Text
Eddie barely has time to see the movement in the corner of his eye before he feels the cushion of the firehouse’s couch dip beside him and Buck leaning over, his phone already in his hand as he presses it into Eddie’s face.
“Look what I found for Chris!” The man exclaims excitedly and Eddie softly grabs his wrist, putting some distance between the phone and his face, so that he can see the small screen without getting cross eyed. It seems to be some kind of game and he raises an eyebrow at Buck, letting go of his hand.
“A video game? You don’t think he has enough already?” He himself has never really understood the obsession with video games, sure he can play a few rounds if he’s bored, but not for hours like Chris and Buck can.
“It’s not any game, man! It just came out, we have been on a lookout for it for ages. They just released it.” Buck almost vibrates in his seat by the prospect of getting his hands on it and Eddie sighs, throwing another look at the screen. When he notices the price his breath hitches in his throat and he feels his eyes go wide.
“ That’s the price? No way. Not happening.” He says, keeping his voice firm. He already had to buy a new washing machine this month. No way he is paying that amount of money, maybe for Christmas or something. Buck has gone suspiciously silent beside him though and when he looks over the man is chewing on his lip with a sheepish look on his face, while he is fidgeting with his phone in his lap, and Eddie stares at him for a moment.
“You already ordered it, didn’t you?” He states it as a question, but he already knows the answer.
“Well-” Buck shrugs and looks at him with a sheepish grin.
“ Buck .” He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “It’s too expensive. You can’t keep buying these things for him, he has a whole shelf of them already.” He says exasperated.
“It’s not just for him though, it’s for me as well! And I like buying him things.” Buck just adds with a small smile and honestly, Eddie loves that his best friend is so enthusiastic and involved in Chris’s life, that he gets so proud and excited everytime the kid does well on a test, or helps out whenever Eddie’s in a jam. He honestly doesn't know how he would’ve managed without Buck’s support through the years. It does not mean however, that the man should spoil him rotten. But another look on the man's happy face and all the irritation rins of him.
“It’s your money.” He mutters and Buck beams at him, leaning back against the cushions of the couch next to him with their shoulders pressed together as he starts to scroll through the reviews online.
The bar is loud and Eddie massages his temple as he makes his way back to their table, feeling a headache building. When the shift ended they decided to head to the club and have a few drinks and he was hesitant from start, he would rather be at home with a beer and watching a movie. But the small voice in his head, that sounds suspiciously like his best friend’s, kept calling him ‘old man’ and he decided to come with them. But he kinda regrets it and even if it’s early he’ll just grab his jacket and head home, he’s done for tonight.
As he walks along the wall leading to the seating area he comes to hear Maddie’s voice and he’s just about to take the last step around the corner when he halts in his step, still out of sight.
“I’m worried about you.” Her voice is filled with concern and he hesitates, not wanting to impose on something personal, but then Buck’s voice comes around the corner and he freezes up.
“I’m fine, Maddie.” Eddie can tell his friend is frustrated, can see the way his eyebrows furrow in his mind, and he frowns himself, this time in confusion. The man hasn't mentioned anything about something being wrong, what could make Maddie so worried?
“I don’t think you are. You can’t keep going on like this.” Maddie’s voice comes back again, this time a bit more sympathetic.
“So what do you suggest I do?” Buck snaps irritated and Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up. He doesn’t think he ever heard the man talk like that to his sister.
“ Talk to him .”
“Maddie-”
“No, I’m serious Evan. You keep ignoring this and eventually it’s gonna blow up in your face.”
“I can’t . I just- He can’t know.”
Eddie’s frown just deepens at Buck’s exasperated voice, concern starting to fret in his stomach. He knows he shouldn’t listen to this. That this is a private conversation and that he’s breaking his best friend's trust. But his feet are cemented on the floor and he can’t make himself move. Why hasn't Buck told him something is wrong? Considering the tone of the man’s voice and Maddie’s concerned one, this is obviously something serious.
“I think you underestimate him, Buck. He might surprise you.” Maddie’s voice is kind and Eddie starts to wonder who they are talking about. Has Buck met someone new? Eddie hasn’t noticed him on his phone or being more absent than usual, but who knows. Maybe he is dating again?
“This isn’t something he can just whisk away, Maddie. It changes everything .” Buck starts to sound desperate and Eddie feels a sudden urge to round the corner and show his support, but Maddie’s next words make him stay where he is.
“He is your best friend , Buck.”
A surprise stab of hurt feels in Eddie’s chest as he hears it. Best friend? As far as Eddie knows that spot belongs to him. He doesn’t consider himself a jealous or possessive individual, but the thought that there is something important Buck won’t tell him stings more than he was prepared for.
“I know he is. And that’s why I can’t. Eddie means everything to me, Maddie. It’s too big of a risk. I can’t lose him. Or Chris.”
Ok, so it’s definitely him they’re talking about and Eddie feels some annoyance mixed with the concern. Does Buck really have that little faith in him and their friendship?
“Buck-”
“Maddie, No. I’ve lived with this for years. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
Years? Buck has been withholding something from him for years? He didn’t even think that would be possible, he can usually read the man like an open book and he thought he knew his best friend inside-out. But apparently not, and the thought leaves a sour taste in Eddie’s mouth while his brain starts to helpfully provide him with one scenario worse than the earlier about what could be wrong, until his heart is beating hard in his chest in anxiety.
“Maybe he feels the same?” Maddie’s voice is low, and Eddie has to really strain his ears to hear her.
“He doesn’t.” Buck has lowered his voice as well but not as much, and Eddie grimaces when he hears the resignation in it.
“You sure about that? I’ve seen you two develop your relationship for years, and there’s no-one he’s so relaxed and comfortable around as you. No-one he trusts as much as you. He loves you, Buck.” Maddie tries again and by now Eddie feels mostly confused about the whole conversation, he obviously walked into it in the middle, he must’ve missed the start of it. Because none of this makes sense and none of the scenarios he imagines fits into this. Of course he loves Buck. He even told him a few times. He’s his best friend. He scratches his forehead and decides he needs to leave, if Buck doesn’t want him to know then he shouldn’t listen to this, he’ll have to trust the man will come clean himself eventually.
He turns around to leave, to walk around the room so he’ll approach the table from the visible side and let the siblings talk for a few more minutes, letting them clear up whatever this is. He only manages to take one step though before Buck’s voice once again is heard.
“I know he loves me, Maddie. But not in the same way I love him , and he never will. And that’s fine, I love what we have together, and it’s enough.”
Eddie feels his face pale as his friend's words sink in and he stumbles a step. Suddenly the whole conversation makes complete sense, and he swallows in a try to dampen his dry throat, staring in front of him with un-seeing eyes while his body goes numb by shock, his heart is beating hard in his chest. Buck- loves him? Like, not in a bro-kind-of-way. But in a kissing-and-holding-hands kind of way. He feels his cheeks flush hot at the idea and he rubs his chest absently with his palm. How did that even- He didn’t even know Buck liked guys. He never made any indication about it, not even just as a joke. ‘I lived with it for years’ he said. Eddie runs a stressed hand through his hair before rubbing his forehead and tries taking a couple of calming breaths.
Buck is right. It would change everything. And it scares him to death. Buck’s not the only one that’s afraid to lose his best friend, and Eddie can’t imagine his life without Buck in it. What will he say if Buck takes Maddie’s advice and actually decides to tell him?
He would hate to hurt him, can already see the sad, blue eyes and slumped shoulders in front of him, hunching into himself as Eddie has to tell him that he doesn’t feel the same way, and his stomach twists uncomfortably at the thought. But he can’t- He’s not- Maddie’s wrong . He flinches when he hears Buck’s voice, slightly higher than earlier, pulling him out of his thoughts.
“Maddie, enough! This is not your decision. I know you’re trying to help, but honestly, you're just stressing me out. Will you please drop it?”
Finally Eddie manages to make his feet work, and he quickly back’s up, disappearing down the hallway the same way he came.
He walks around the room so he comes towards the table from the other way, and he sees how Buck smiles at him when he notices him, before a small frown shows.
“You alright, man? You look a little pale.” He asks, gazing up at him, and Eddie tenses.
“Um, y-yeah. I um-” He scratches his jaw and stays standing. “Got a headache. Think I’m gonna head out.” He eventually manage to get out with a tight smile. The earlier headache is long gone, forgotten in the haze of what he learned, but it seems like a good enough excuse as any.
“Oh. That suck’s. Well, come on. I’ll drive you.” Buck offers and starts to move out of the booth and Eddie immediately panics.
“No!” Buck freezes at his outburst and both him and Maddie stare up at him from their seats. “I already called an uber.” He quickly adds.
“You sure? I don’t mind, I drove us here?” Buck says and Eddie quickly nods.
“Yeah, totally. Stay, enjoy the rest of your night.” He manages a somewhat friendly smile and lets out a relieved breath as his friend hesitantly leans back towards the seat. “Hand me my jacket?”
Buck reaches over and gives it to him, still a small frown on his face.
“Text me when you get home?”
“Yeah, sure.” Eddie nods. “See you at shift.”
“Feel better, Eddie.” Maddie says with a small smile and he gives them a small wave and a smile as he backs away, before turning towards the exit. He notices Hen and Chimney on the dancefloor and gives them a wave goodbye as well before finally getting outside. The air is chilly and he takes a deep breath, feeling it fill his lungs as he waits for the uber. His head is spinning and he feels a pressure in his chest. Buck hasn’t actually said anything to him, which means nothing has actually changed.
And at the same time he feels like everything has changed.
When Eddie walks into the firehouse two days later he has convinced himself that he overreacted. He and Buck had texted as usual during their day off and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t find anything different with the man’s texts. He might have spent an hour going over their old conversations to see if there’s any clues there, but no. Nothing out of the ordinary and just completely normal texts.
Part of him is flattered. Buck is amazing. He has the biggest of hearts and compassion for miles, and the one person who is lucky enough to end up with him is very lucky. It just can’t be Eddie. And a small, hidden part inside him feels a twitch of disappointment at the thought.
So he has decided to just go on as usual, as long as Buck doesn’t bring it up, he will bury it and just keep hanging out with his friend.
He walks past the big, red vehicles in the bay and smiles when he sees Buck standing in the locker room, talking to Chim.
“Hey guys.” He greets them when he enters and they both smile at him. He meets Buck’s familiar eyes and lets out a quiet relief when he sees nothing but a friendly gaze in them. See, normal. He opens his locker and grabs the hem of his shirt to change into uniform, and that’s when he freezes, standing there with a firm grip of the bottom of his shirt and staring into his locker, suddenly extremely aware of the two men talking a few feet away. Or more accordingly, one particular.
It’s ridiculous. They’ve changed clothes in front of each other hundreds of times, but suddenly the prospect of standing shirtless makes his skin flush hot.
“You alright, man?” Buck’s voice makes him snap out of his thoughts and he looks over at him, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
“Ehm, yeah. No, I’m good.” Eddie tries to keep his voice as normal as he can but unfortunately Buck knows him way too well by now and gives him a long look.
“Sure? You kinda looked a bit- something.” He says concerned.
“Just didn’t sleep very well.” Eddie lies, as he turns back to his locker.
“Alright, I’ll fix you some coffee to wake you up!” Eddie flinches in surprise as Buck’s hand lands on his shoulder on the way out but the man doesn’t seem to notice and jogs up the stairs towards the loft with Chim on his tail. Eddie stares after them, feeling a bit bad for lying since Buck, always the caring one, will worry until he deems Eddie to be feeling better and most certainly keep an close eye at him all through shift. He sighs and rubs his eyes while he leans against the lockers. Buck is his best friend, he never had anyone as close as him before. And he really doesn’t want to fuck this up. He can’t imagine not having the man in his life and Chris would kill him if he did something so he lost his Buck.
He finishes getting ready and slowly climbs the stairs up to where his colleagues are waiting. Buck is leaning against the kitchen island, talking to Hen, and when he notices Eddie he just pushes a cup towards him on the surface with a small smile, without interrupting his dialog with the woman.
Eddie gratefully grabs the cup and takes a sip. Buck always makes these small gestures, and until now he hasn’t thought much about it. But when he thinks back he realizes the man always goes out of his way to make things for him and Chris. Going to the store across town to get the special brand of cereals for Chris, giving Eddie a lift whenever needed because he knows he doesn’t like LA-driving, Making coffees, and sandwiches, dinners, picking up Chris from school, helping with homework and dishes.
All of these things just sort of happen, the man has sneaked into and intertwined himself into Eddie’s life without him noticing. And now when he thinks about it he feels guilty. Does he take advantage of Buck? Accepting all of his help and gestures? He really didn’t mean to, but knowing what he knows now, he wonders.
“Yo! Diaz!” He jumps as Chimney pats his back, almost spilling the coffee, and glares at the man who raises his hands in surrender. “Woah! Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.” He smirks, before moving over to the pot to make himself a cup.
“You didn’t.” Eddie mutters before grabbing his cup and sits down at the table to drink it in peace. He only manages half of it though before the bell rings and they are off.
Bobby gives them a rundown of the call on their way, but Eddie has a bit of a hard time to concentrate. He’s sitting beside Buck, like he always is, but this time he is noticing every single touch. Their shoulders are pressed together and he can feel the body heat from the man radiating through the fabric. Their knees knocks together whenever the truck takes a turn, Buck knocks their shoes together once in a while, but it seems like he isn’t even aware that he does it, and two times the man taps his hand to get Eddie’s attention to point at something outside the window.
And it keeps happening. During the whole call there’s a hand on the back or shoulder, shoes knocking together, hands brushing. Whenever Eddie turns around Buck is there. Have they always been this tactile with each other? He honestly can’t tell.
At one point he takes a step to the right when they are walking towards the engine, making a try to put some distance between them, but he accidentally does it just at the same time as Buck leans towards him to knock their shoulders together, which makes the man stumble and lose his balance, ears bright red in embarrassment. It makes Eddie feel incredibly guilty and he makes sure to stay next to the man for the rest of the call.
When the shift ends 12 hours later he walks out in the dark night even more exhausted than he thought it was possible to be as a human being. He has been over-analyzing every single move his friend has made, and he is now aware that they are touching all. the. time .
He opens the door to the truck and slides in behind the wheel, resting his head against the seat for a moment.
The thing is, he feels guilty. Like he trapped Buck into falling in love with him, without actually meaning to do it. Has he been too friendly? Been accepting too much of all of what Buck has given him? Been too dependent and asked too much of his friend? He can’t get the man’s sad voice out of his head. ‘I’ve lived with it for years.’. Has he been hoping, wishing for something more this whole time? That thought makes the pressure resurface in Eddie’s chest and he rubs his sternum harshly. Has Eddie been hurting him unintendedly? He doesn’t want to hurt him. It’s the absolute last thing he wants. He wants Buck to be happy, to have everything he wants. But Eddie can’t be who Buck wants him to be, and he doesn’t know what to do about it.