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Everything hurt. His skin felt like it was on fire. It might have been, corruption spreading to the point that it might have actually been able to burn anyone who was foolish enough to touch him.
There was blood over Xiao’s weapon, coating his clothes and skin. The ichor of slain monsters seemed to be everywhere around him. It was his duty to take on the worst of the nation he swore to protect. But right now it felt like an increasingly impossible task.
There was a weird floaty feeling that mixed with the pain of karmic debt, one that threatened to ravage his mind.
Was this the end?
The way that his siblin- fellow warriors, had felt before their time was up?
Xiao didn’t know.
He only knew that if this was to be the end he would fulfill his contract with Lord Rex to the fullest, and thus picked up his polearm and continued the fight, even if it only added to his pain.
Monsters slain and shadows being pushed back from once they came. It was exhausting doing this alone.
Though Xiao knew Ganyu and Shenhe would often take patrols, the bulk of responsibility still fell on Xiao, even more since his master entered retirement.
So Xiao pushed through as he always had. Past the burning ache of his lungs, the way his mussels threatened to spasm and give up if he were to keep going.
He misses the other yaksha. So badly it aches, maybe worse that his karmic debt. Or maybe the two simply mixed to make a truly horrible feeling. A feeling that was keeping Xiao from doing his job as he should.
He was thoroughly exhausted. How foolish.
Even more foolish was that his feet started to lead him not back to the inn, but towards Morax’s residence the moment he realized he would not make it if he kept up like this. Every step hurt, his mind cloudy and muddled. He doesn’t know if he could hold his spear even if he tried.
Xiao wouldn’t dream about going to Morax for something as meaningless as this, except well… he had a duty to fulfil, one that he was incapable of doing without some sort of reprieve. One that he might fail indefinitely if he did not seek help.
The adepti argued with himself that this was only due to him not wanting to scare Verr Goldett, who would no doubt worry herself sick over his state if he showed up anywhere near the inn. Besides, he couldn’t have anyone coming near him without risk of infecting them with the festering karma he carried.
Maybe Morax would have something to help settle the horrible feeling that was coming over him in waves. The same feeling tugged in his chest, one that screamed that he wanted to run away and hide behind his master, instead of stand admit that he didn’t want to face his duty like the warrior he was in fear of his own pain worsening.
Xiao only knew that he was reaching a breaking point and had to do something.
.
.
.
Zhongli was worried when his adeptus appeared at his door, looking dissociative and scared. No. Worried didn’t begin to describe the amount of distress he felt looking at the younger being. He can’t recall if he’s even seen Xiao look scared before.
“I’m sorry to bother you but-”
But nothing. Zhongli’s ears rang, barely picking up Xiao’s words past the steadily rising tide of protective furry. Just how had Xiao gotten to this state?
“My karma- It’s bad… don’t think I will mak-”
“Don’t say such things- come inside.” Zhongli pulled the adeptus into his house with probably more force than necessary, whipping the door closed and leading him further inside. He could not- no, he refused to lose another one of his beloved children due to a burden he placed on them.
Zhongli had to physically restrain himself from picking up Xiao and carrying him once it was clear how much he was struggling to even walk.
Xiao crumbled into a small heap on his couch, curling in on himself with a whine.
“Hurts- ever’thing-”
“Okay, just breathe for me. Let me help.”
He placed a hand on Xiao’s face, cupping his cheeks softly, and slowly, achingly slowly, used his powers to push back the karma that surrounded the boy. Zhongli by no means had the power he once held, but this- this he would be able to do.
It took far, far too long for Xiao to look back up at him, eyes slightly more focused than before. A better sign.
“’orry…”
“What for?” He asked.
“Failed…”
“You did not fail anyone my boy.” Zhongli said.
My boy
Xiao’s whole mind stuttered, more than it had been when Morax had reached out and touched him. The tone sounding like one a parent might use to comfort a child.
“Thank you.” Xiao managed when the silence became too much to bear, clearing his throat from the odd pitch it had taken on. He tried to stand, only to have Morax’s hands on his shoulders stop him.
“Your body still ails you, there is only so much my power can do for you I am afraid. You are in no condition to go back out tonight.”
Xiao froze in place. His heart was slamming in his chest. Why? Did Zhongli know that Xiao was failing? That he wasn’t fighting at the level that a weapon should be?
“Master I can-“ Xiao tried to speak, his throat felt like it was closing. “I can still be of service. It’s fine. Sorry…”
“I do not doubt that, but you need to heal. I cannot lose you as well Xiao. Your options are to remain here for the night, or return to the inn, but I will not allow you to further risk yourself. You have done plenty.”
Staying at Morax’s home seemed far too good to be true. Never mind the part of the yaksha’s brain that cried out that he was finally safe. The part that wanted to jump on this opportunity to stay, and rest, and hide away in the one place he was likely to truly be safe in.
He couldn’t risk tainting his master’s home longer than he already had. But Morax did offer, and going back to his room now felt miserable compared to spending the evening in company.
“It’s up to you, my boy.”
Xiao chose the very eloquent response to simply press his forehead to Morax’s chest, and whine. Too many choices. His head was swirling.
Zhongli pet the top of his head with a bemused chuckle. “I see.”
Xiao didn’t think that he did. Still he pressed his face closer and hide away from the world.
The perfume his master had on smelt pleasant, sweet and floral. Why his mind chose to linger on that Xiao did not know, but once it had he couldn’t help himself from trying and figure out why it smelt so familiar. The whole house did faintly, now that Xiao noticed it.
Like glaze lilies he realizes.
Guizhiong
All at once that feeling was back, a hole in his chest. A pit that he didn’t know what would take in order to fill it.
Even after all these years he felt like a child mourning her death all over again.
Xiao whined again, childish in nature but found he couldn’t stop himself. Everything still hurt, and he wanted to lean into an embrace he didn’t deserve. He misses his mam- Guizhong. He misses Guizhong, who used to hold him when she was alive, in times when he felt in a much similar state as he did now.
Xiao pulls away, rubbing at his eyes.
Maybe it would be better if he went back to the inn, clearly whatever this feeling was wasn’t going to be going away any time soon.
But he doesn’t get this option as Morax comes and sits besides him, dragging Xiao into closer into his side. Xiao lets him.
The elder grabs a blanket from the back of the couch. It settles heavily against Xiao’s body, weighted and grounding.
“Xiao? May I ask you a question?”
He hummed. Of course Morax could ask him a question, he had already asked him one.
“Are you regressed right now? Or know of the meaning?”
Xiao paused. Why does he feel as though he knew this term from somewhere else? Cloud Retainer maybe? Or Guizhong? Xiao shrugged. He could probably figure it out on his own but he was too tired too.
“Not small.” Xiao mumbled, thinking on the term literally. He didn’t know why this was relevant, it wasn’t as though he had shrunk in anyway from a spell of magic.
Morax seemed to guess at what he was thinking and shook his head. “Not physically, though I suppose that could happen…” He trailed off, starting on a far too long and complicated ramble about the effects of psychological regression.
There were a lot of words Morax was saying. Most of which went over Xiao’s head. But he got the idea, for the most part.
It put to words the feeling he had been feeling for… awhile now. Far too often if he actually stopped to think about it. Xiao didn’t stop to think about it.
Numbers were hard and age even more so. The adetpus didn’t age as mortals did what with a set date to when they would be considered “adults” and trying to tell how old he felt was an impossible task.
He wasn’t sure if he ever felt like an adult truly. Not in the way Morax and Guizhong had always been in his eyes.
He just felt… small. And frightened. And still hurting.
“I’ll take that as a yes then.” Zhongli said, stopping his speech when Xiao had tucked himself once again into his side.
"Have you ever been small before, little one?"
Xiao thought about it. It seemed like admitting to a weakness but he had. Stolen moments with the other yaksha in the rare moments of peace between times of war. When they would tease him for being their sweet ‘baby brother.’ When Bosacius would hold him in his lap to watch as the other trained, one or both of the female adepti cooing over him sweetly. Even Menogias would act different towards him, softer if Xiao were to best put a descriptor on his actions.
When he would lay his head in Guizhong’s lap. Claiming only to do this for his elder as she had always longed for a child to call her own.
“Wif mama…an m siblings…” he mumbles, hoping Morax would understand.
“Oh. Oh Xiao…”
“Miss mama… miss them all…” Xiao said, hiding his face behind the weighted blanket. It too smelt like the flower, and if Xiao was feeling normal he would wonder just how Morax had managed to do this with nearly everything he owned.
Honestly it would be harder to find something that didn’t smell like glaze lilies within the space. The scent of those flowers was one of the few remaining ways that Zhongli could manage to fall asleep not that the adepti was privy of this knowledge.
The elder paused, before shaking his head. “I know you do little bird.”
The nickname was a breaking point, one that should have been seen coming.
Xiao sobbed. Curling up tightly in on himself as his emotions raged.
“Oh my sweet boy, I miss them as well. And I’m so sorry… But I’m here, I’m not going anywhere little one.” He could hear Morax talking above him, rubbing his back and whispering soft words of encouragement.
It should have been enough- it only served to further remind the regressor of all he had lost.
Xiao’s eyes teared up. Morax was doing his best, doing more that Xiao could realistically ask for when he came here unannounced and started bawling like a child. Still it wasn’t enough.
He wanted his mama. He wants her so badly it hurts. This wasn’t fair, why wasn’t she here?
He was small, smaller than he was in the archon war, so why wasn’t Guizhong here too to tell him that everything was going to be alright?
It didn’t make sense. Nothing did.
Eventually he tires himself out from crying, it doesn’t take long, he was already exhausted.
He tugs on his caregiver’s sleeve. Was… was Zhongli crying? But the expression passes quickly when the elder takes not of the regressor, so clearly Xiao must have imagined it.
“Are you ready for bed kiddo?” Zhongli asks, wiping at Xiao’s eyes with his thumb. “You’ve had such a long day, and your body will need sleep to heal.”
Xiao babbled something unintelligible.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
He didn’t get any response of disagreement, so Zhongli stood to gather the little one up.
Xiao let out a noise of surprise when he was picked up. He had never been carried before and clung to Morax out of sheer instinct not to fall. The elder only ran a hand over his back in a soothing motion.
“Shh, you’re alright.”
He bounced the regressor softly as they walked to the bedroom. Zhongli stopping to go through a basket in his closest left from the other regressor’s he took care of.
He found a stuffed animal, a soft black and white cat with a rattle bell inside of it that chimed softly whenever it moved. One of the toys Xianyun had recommended Zhongli for fussier littles, something about the sound being soothing.
Zhongli would have to once again thank the other adepti when Xiao’s attention was fully drawn to the plush.
The little reached for it babbling softly, the first positive reaction he’d gotten all evening. “You like her do you little one? I was hoping to find her a good home.” More babbling. “She’s yours then.” The caregiver says with a soft smile.
He let the regressor take the cat, hugging it tightly.
The elder hummed softly as he tucked Xiao into bed. Pulling the covers up over the regressor and he new found friend, tucking them in snuggly.
He was about to leave the room when Xiao squirmed free, reaching out to grasp at his dad’s arm.
“Baba t’ay?”
Zhongli felt his heart melt, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Of course Baobei”