Chapter Text
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ARCHIVIST
You’re welcome to sit down.
JORDAN KENNEDY
Stop being so fucking formal, my ears ARE STILL RINGING.
ARCHIVIST
Tim-
KENNEDY
It’s Jordan right now, remember, Jon ?
ARCHIVIST
Statement of ‘Jordan Kennedy’, regarding his roommate. Statement taken directly from subject, April 22th, 2016 by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.
Statement begins.
[contn. after a moment’s silence]
Tim, I don’t rem-
KENNEDY
Really don’t care, Jonny. Again, I’m here to give a statement.
ARCHIVIST
Well-
KENNEDY
Two days ago, around the 22th, at around TWO IN THE MORNING my dumbass roommate woke up, TURNED ON ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE APARTMENT, and proceeded to sing What Does The Fox Say? on the SHARED speakers at full volume!
ARCHIVIST
Please further explain.
KENNEDY
How.
ARCHIVIST
Tell the full story.
KENNEDY
I was woken at two in the morning on April 22, and I had a full day of work ahead of me. I work as an exterminator and had two separate appointments late the same day. I woke up because the lights turned on. I picked up my gun and shot at the light switch, which, ultimately, did zilch .
So I buried my head under my pillows, and tried to go back to sleep, but less than three minutes later blaring music came on, specifically What Does The Fox Say by Ylvis! I took my gun and got out of bed, shooting the perpetrator to death. I turned off the music and lights and went back to sleep. Nothing else happened that night, which was weird, except for a slightly more intense smell of smoke compared to normal.
It wasn’t until morning when I realized that you were the perp, and also that Ashes had burned your body, making it much harder for you to regenerate, reasoning why you didn’t go again.
ARCHIVIST
I don’t remember this happening, Tim. Are you sure you didn’t dream it?
KENNEDY
I have the others testaments to this happening right here.
[shuffling as a bag is pulled onto the desk]
ARCHIVIST
Let’s hear them, then.
[a recording turns on and the ARCHIVIST is thoroughly rick-rolled]
KENNEDY
[laughs maniacally]
I do have the actual recordings here, however. ( Venomously ) Would you like to hear them?
ARCHIVIST
No. Statement ends. Get the fuck out of my office.
KENNEDY
As you wish.
[three gunshots, then a door slamming]
[silence, 3 beats]
ARCHIVIST
I must be getting out of practice, it took a whole minute to regenerate. I will get you one day, Gunpowder. You better be glad this isn’t my only pair of Archivist clothes, bastard.
[sighs]
First off, I don’t remember any of this. Either he was dreaming or I was sleepwalking, and that isn’t likely.
[shuffling of clothes]
[door opens]
TIM STOKER
Hey bossman, that guy stormed out of there really-
[dramatic gasp]
Did you two?!
ARCHIVIST
NO NO NO TIM IT DIDN’T-
STOKER
Well, I’ll leave you to it.
[door shuts, STOKER breaks down laughing]
ARCHIVIST
{uncouth words}--piece of shit, motherfucking–{more}--BITCH!
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