Chapter Text
I.
He liked feeding the turtleducks. Sometimes his mother would join but she was.. busy. Zuko didn’t know what she had to do. Dad would never let her anywhere close to his work. Whenever he saw her after her busy stuff, she looked gloomy. Azula called it ‘melancholic’ but he’s pretty sure she just said that to show off again. Zuko had to ask the librarian what it meant – it was just a fancy way to say gloomy!.. Agni, she was always showing off.
He was trying his best! Clenching his fist, he scattered fat crumbs into the lake and ignored the twinge of guilt that stabbed him when the ducks squawked. Azula wouldn’t get it. She was born better. Even da– Ozai. Even Ozai said so! Being born in winter wasn’t his fault. Part of him, the dark ugly parts, the ones that sounded like d- Ozai’s voice, they whispered how it was his moms fault.
On bad days, sometimes he believed them.
He knew it was wrong but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t fun and games being the loser of the family. He’s supposed to be the eldest! The smart one. The strong one. The future Firelord. Right? Yet that title slipped more and more from his tiny hands and tugged closer to his sisters.
Another fistful of crumbs scattered into the lake. Why does Azula get everything? At least the turtleducks were Zukos.
“Zuzu.”
Couldn’t he just have this one thing? Why does she have to ruin everything! She’s probably here to gloat about some stupid crap. “What now, Azula?” He muttered, shifting so she was in his line of sight.. Maybe she wanted to push him into the lake again. Wouldn’t be the first time.
“Does mother hate me?”
Oh.
.
.
.
Zuko stared at her. Was this a prank? He wanted to believe it was but her eyes were glistening. He’s never seen Azula cry before. Even when she got burnt or hit or yelled at. Even when she broke her arm after trying and failing to do one of Ty Lee’s weird tricks. Her hair was down for once and her nose was pink. She didn’t look.. She didn’t look normal.
That sounded mean. Azula is two whole years younger than him.
“Are you trying to make me feel even stupider? Yes or no!” She snapped at him and he couldn’t help but bristle. Maybe he should tell her that mother does hate her. That she’s better off staying out of sight forever. That she shouldn’t bother even speak to mother.
Because that’s exactly what she would say to him if the roles were switched. And that ugly, black and dark voice inside him is telling him he should do it. Zuko deserves to make her feel worthless, like how she makes him feel worthless. Right?
Except he’s not her. Making her cry even more would make him feel worse instead of smug and happy.
And seeing her puffy pink cheeks and swollen eyes and tear soaked face, makes him remember again. She’s two whole years younger than him. Maybe Zuko should try be a good brother since he can’t be good for anything else. Right now, Azula looks like an abandoned turtleduck. He can do something this easy.
So Zuko clears his throat and stands up, brushing the dirt and crumbs off his pants. He looks his baby sister in the eye and opens his arms big and wide, just like mother does to him. Zuko looks, really looks at her and thinks, ‘maybe she’s not trying to be such a smug annoying brat’. The shameful, pink part inside him wonders if this is an elaborate prank and joke. Because it’s a lot easier to hate someone you’ve only seen win, right?
When Azula runs into his arms and bursts into tears, Zuko can only squeeze and rub that spot between her back – just like what mother does, and whisper. “Mother loves you, I swear by it. Maybe she doesn’t think you like her, Lala?” The childish and stupid nickname slips out but neither realise it. Zuko knows Mother isn’t fond of Azula.
But aren’t mothers meant to love their kids unconditionally? Uncle Iroh said so anyway.
“But I know she hates me. She’s scared of me, she thinks I’m a-a monster!” Azula cries, gripping into his shirt, “Everyone’s scared of me b-but isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?” Her voice rises an octave and Zuko really doesn’t know what to do. Usually, hugs would calm him down. But of course, Azula is different.
“I’m not scared of you,” He tightens his grip and feels a dark pit bloom in his stomach, does Azula really think that having people be scared of you is a good thing? Is that why she tries to scare her friends? Zuko tightens his hold a little more (it’s not like it would hurt; he’s still way too scrawny to do anything..) “You’re not a monster.. You can be annoying and rude and smug sometimes, but I..I love you.”
Zuko wants to say he doesn’t mean it. He wants to take it back, really badly. But it’s true, he realises. Even though sometimes he wants to push her into the pond, he loves her. Maybe she’s going to snap back to reality and call him a stupid idiot. Zuko kind of wants her to.
“Y-You promise, Zuzu?” Azula cries harder and he can tell the entire front of his shirt is soaked but he can’t bring himself to care. Maybe this isn’t so bad. “Swear on Agni.” She whispers so quietly that Zuko wonders if she even spoke.
But he still whispers back, rubbing her back and petting her messy short hair, “I swear to Agni, I love you Azula. Even though you’re really annoying sometimes.” He quickly adds because he’s never said the ‘love’ words to Azula before. At least it snatches a wet giggle out of her.
“I..I love you too, Zuzu. Even though you’re weak and stupid..” She whispers back. They stand there for a while, hugging while Azula sniffles into his shirt – he really hopes it’s not boogers – and her face is super puffy and pink, it makes Zuko feel giddy and happy because she’s cute. For once in his life, Azula isn’t small and scary and mean, she’s small and cute and like a real little sister. The kind he reads books about when he knows mother isn’t around.
.
.
Agni is setting when Azula tears herself away and runs off. Zuko doesn’t stop her and she doesn’t look back.
They don’t talk about it.
II.
Uncle Iroh has been hanging out with Zuko a lot more. He wants to say it’s because he’s more mature (he hit double digits – 10 whole years old!) but he knows the truth. Zuko knew Lu Ten died. Mother said Uncle was grieving but he looked happy, didn’t he?
Zuko asked, once, about where Lu Ten was. To Zuko, he was a grassy hill, strong but soft. Dependable. Unmovable but not intimidating like a mountain (Iroh was more like a mountain). He liked playing with him. He was one of the few adults who didn’t make Zuko feel stupid.
Iroh told him that his soul moved on and that he wouldn’t come back. Ever. His eyes hardened like rock and Zuko vaguely remembered that Iroh and Ozai are brothers. They don’t love each other but they have the same menacing aura.
He cleared his throat and excused himself when Iroh sighed and grabbed the bottle of sake. Mother said to not drink alcohol. Azula calls him a wuss for it but Mother smiles and rubs his head.
Ozai doesn’t care. He never cares. Zuko tries to not care about that. (He fails.)
“Did you have a nice talk with Uncle?” A sneering, sharp voice interrupts in the hall. Zuko frowns at the shadows. “Let me guess, he started drinking mid-conversation? He’s a good-for-nothing. Like you, Zuzu! Birds of a feather, flock together.” She taunts.
Azula’a voice is filled to the brim with malice but Zuko knows better. He’s older so he should be more mature. He should be kind and forgiving, like how mother is to him.
“Oh, shut up! You’re just salty because Uncle doesn’t want to see you.” Zuko instinctively snaps back and ignores the poisonous prick of guilt. Azula is younger than him. He should really stop rising to her taunts. Mother says so, anyway. It’s just something about her that gets under his skin.. “At least Mother and Uncle like spending time with me. D- Ozai only likes you because you’re a little strong!” Zuko sneers and he knows, he knows he went too far.
It’s an unwritten rule for him. Don’t bring up Mother like that to Azula. Ever since that day by the turtleduck pond, where she cried for the first time. The pit inside him insists it’s okay because it’s not like Azula cares if she actually hurts him or not.
But Azula is different from normal little sisters. Zuko knows! He knows that she’s a little weird and crazy. He knows sometimes she yells at people who aren’t there and sees things in the shadows when Da– Ozai puts pressure on her. He knows she doesn’t understand why it’s wrong. Mother said it’s because she sees Ozai do it and thinks it's okay.
“As if. I came to tell you that the only reason Iroh –” She recently started the slow adjustment from uncle to Iroh. Zuko doesn’t know what to think of that, since he’s been trying to do it to their father too, “-- wants to see you because he’s pretending you’re his dead son. You’re being used, Zuzu.” Azula smirks, she smirks but her lips quiver because she’s eight, she’s eight and Zuko reminds her that her mom and uncle don’t love her.
He clears his throat. It feels like ash. “No, he’s grieving. He’s grieving and needs a shoulder to, um, cry on. He lost his son.” Zuko tries to pretend like his heart isn’t burning up. Nothing is going his way. Uncle is pretending Zuko is someone he’s not, he was mean to Azula and mother is extra stressed these days. “Try to learn some empathy.” He sneaks in a jab, trying to divert Azula from that stupid comment from earlier.
Her lip is still shaky.
“A decent Firelord doesn’t need empathy. That’s why you’ll be a bad one.” She sneers but it’s one of her lamer insults and Zuko knows he messed up. She’s eight. She’s not double digits like him. Zuko doesn’t understand why he keeps messing up. He acts before he thinks while Ozai and Azula think before they act.
He tries to clear his throat again. It still feels like ash. “I heard Ty Lee is visiting tomorrow. Don’t drag me into your games.” Ty Lee is Azula’s new friend. Which is surprising because she’s a circus girl and isn’t scared of Azula.
Zuko is offering a peace card. He doesn’t want to be a bad brother, really, it’s just hard to be a good one. Especially when your sister is Azula.
“Really? She’s a good card. I want to keep her.” Azula’s lip stops quivering and she tries to storm off but she has a pep to her step. It makes him want to smile but the words ‘a good card, i want to keep her’ are too similar to Dad– Ozai. Zuko doesn’t really like his father but he knows it’s because of his own incompetence. The Firelord only wants the best of the best and Zuko is the best of the worst, sometimes.
Deep down, he hopes Azula doesn’t turn out like Ozai
III.
Zuko is eleven when his father burns a man for kissing another man. Nine year old Azula watches with glee and they both ignore how her knuckles are white and how there are nail indents in her palm afterwards.
When Zuko turns thirteen, his father burns a hole through his stomach for kissing a boy. He never sees the boy again and secretly hopes he’s alive. The reality isn’t something he can, well, stomach.
Zuko spends four and a half weeks glued to a medical bed.
Azula and her friends visit. Not with smug faces. Not with mocking sympathy. They.. He doesn’t know how to explain it. The company is nice. When Zuko is left alone, all he can think about is the boy he kissed, the boy whose life was gone like a dying flame. The company is a good distraction.
Mai shows him how to sharpen blades. He isn’t very good at it at first, but it’s not a surprise for him or anyone else. The four and a half weeks give him enough time to practice and get decent at it. She tells him that she doesn’t care who she loves nor does she care who he loves.
Zuko says it doesn’t matter but her words lift a weight off his heart.
The girl came everyday like clockwork and for once, ‘one of his sisters friends’ became one of his friends. Zuko thinks about Mai a lot. Is it love? It doesn’t feel like butterflies or make his heart beat faster.
He thinks about the boy he kissed, the boy whose name he doesn't want to remember, the boy whose name is etched onto his lips. The boy who carved his heart out and gave a piece of his own. And paid with his life. He thinks about him and Mai and decides it’s not the same.
Ty Lee was a ball of happy energy. She called it aura. To be honest, Zuko thought she was kind of insane but.. The good kind of insane? Ty Lee reminded him a little of Uncle Iroh.
The man in question was overseas, a white jasmine tea meeting or something stupid. It made no sense but he didn’t question it. He was fairly certain that the man was still grieving. Although Azula said he probably went to go kill someone. He shook his head, Iroh was a puzzle that would take Zuko years to solve. And his little sister already gave up on that particular puzzle.
Zuko stretched. Ty Les taught him about that, actually. She taught him how to stretch properly, how to get flexible and after many, many attempts, she managed to make him try meditation. Ty Lee tried and failed to make him feel an ‘aura’. The girl came from the circus, of course she’s a little weird, he tried to justify to himself.
Props to her, he thought absently, for doing something even Uncle couldn’t. Zuko wouldn’t call them friends. No, he and Mai were friends. Ty Lee…was someone special to Azula. Anyone who knew where to look could see that.
Zuko could only hope she wouldn't end up like the nameless boy
His mother…to be honest, he didn't know what she would do or say. Ursa. Ursa. Should he still call the woman his mother or by her name? Would she be proud or ashamed? Disgusted? Zuko didn’t know. And part of him wanted to stay like that. Not knowing.
But not knowing is worse than knowing, right?
“Hey. Get up, Zuzu. I wanna spar.” A girl. A sister. His sister, who was entering her teenage years peeks into his room. Zuko had finally been given the clear for training. The elderly nurse lady had a knowingly glint in her eye and he knew she’d scold him for sparring so aggressively right after recovery.
But Agni, he was so behind. Basically five weeks. (Four and a half! The puny, worthless voice inside yelled back) Zuko sighed at her and felt a twinge of affection. Azula hadn’t mellowed out at all. Honestly it was the opposite. But they got better. Wordless apologies and little looks. It wasn’t all bad.
She still surpassed him in everything – except sword fighting. Zuko was fairly certain that was only because she wasn’t interested in it but he’ll take what he can get. “Okay, Agni, have some patience.” He stood with a light wince, pointedly ignoring the smug look she shot him as she skipped off to the sparring room.
Unfortunately, Azula was the best of the best and she was a really good sparring partner. Not that he’d ever admit it.
Maybe things will be okay.
IV.
Zuko was scared. Zuko was twelve, curled up in his blankets and scared.
He was scared because his grandfather just ordered his father to kill him. It’s true, isn’t? There’s no way Azula would joke about this. Right? Maybe in the past she would’ve, but her friends helped mellow her jokes out. He knew because for once, Azula started feeling guilty if she made Ty Lee cry.
It was the glint in her eyes. The way she swung her lungs just a little too carelessly. The clenched hands.
The glint was mostly what gave it away. The small glint of fear in her eyes.
Zuko didn’t want to die. He chewed his lip and tried to stop the tears from bubbling over. Because Dad– Ozai would gladly remove him, right? It would make it easier to make Azula his successor officially. It would make everything great. But Zuko doesn’t want to die.
“I don’t want to die.” He whispered to nobody, “I’m scared.” His voice cracked.
.
.
.
“It’s…okay. Zuzu. I-I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
“A-Azula?” Zuko scrambled out of his blanket – now he looks like an idiot in front of her. “What are you doing here?!” He whisper-yelled and he knew he was being mean. Zuko knew it hurt her feelings. She probably came here to try to comfort him before he died.
Zuko really doesn’t want to die.
He doesn’t want his baby sister to watch him die either.
“Go away, Azula. I don’t want you here!” He throws a pillow at her and she catches it, of course she catches it. The room is dark and silent and stuffy and suffocating. Zuko doesn’t like being mean but being mean is his first instinct for stuff like this. “I said, go away!” He raises his voice.
“Oh.”
She sounds sad and hollow. There’s a quiet minute of silence before she turns around and sprints off. Zuko numbly notes that she didn’t wear shoes or sandals. He ignores the wetness on her face. He pretends he doesn’t feel alone and sad because he’s going to die.
He’s going to die and leave his little sister all alone with D– Ozai. It’s scary. It scares him because she’s going to grow up like him, isn’t she? Zuko has seen the way she turns a bit more sadistic, a bit more violent after sessions with their father.
Clenching his sweaty fists on his sheets, Zuko wishes he wasn’t jealous. He wishes he didn’t still want his fathers approval. It’s just.. He can’t help it.
Maybe he should just go to sleep. A wet chuckle slips out of his throat. The Fire Nations prince is going to be killed by the king. After all, Zuko really was just a pawn in some game.
He lies down and tries to think about Lu Ten. He’s going to meet him again, right? Because his cousin is dead and Zuko is going to be dead soon. They can hang out again – Zuko carefully doesn’t use the word ‘play’ because it's childish, he’s almost thirteen! – but he doesn’t want to feel Azula alone.
It’s not all bad, Zuko tries to reason as his eyes strain to stay open, death isn’t scary. Uncle said it’s welcoming and kind. Uncle never lies. But then again, Uncle is a little weird in the head, not like Azula. Azula is a different kind of weird.
Zuko closes his eyes and pretends he’s ready for death. He pretends he’s not afraid and puts up a shield of false bravery because he wants his father to realise he’s not worthless and weak.
.
.
It’s mother who wakes him up. He can remember a vivid conversation and a warm hug and nothing else.
He never sees his mother again.
Zuko is alive and he thinks his mother is dead.
He feels angry. Angry at Ozai, angry at Azula and angry at himself. Not for the first time, Zuko curses the unfairness of life. He feels a simmering rage boil inside him and he starts to use that for his fire instead of the embers he got from Uncle.
It works better.
Azula spends less time with him, ever since that night. They don’t have nice moments anymore and he pretends it doesn't bother him.
She teases him and mocks him and he yells at her. That’s how it’s always been, Zuko reminds himself. There’s no change. Nothing is different. Nothing is missing.
Mai spends more time with him than Azula. He wants to say it’s because they're friends, but the truth is that they’re supposed to get married.
They’re just friends though. Zuko doesn’t understand why.
He misses mother.
He misses Azula.
Nothing makes sense anymore and the rage boiling inside him grows.
.
.
(when he turns thirteen, azula cries to him for the third time. They silently make up once again.)
V.
Zuko turns fourteen sitting in a medical bed with a bandage covering half his face. He doesn’t cry or yell or scream or fight.
He feels numb.
Azula never visits. Ty Lee and Mai secretly came a few times before they were caught. Mai started sending letters and Ty Lee doodles inside them. It gives Zuko something to look forward to, at least.
Uncle Iroh stayed as his mountain, big and strong and he stayed with Zuko. No matter how mad or pissy he got, Uncle stayed.
Azula left.
He pretends it doesn’t hurt. He pretends he can’t smell the pus on his face. He pretends the wound hurts more than his fathers rejection. Zuko pretends a lot.
He pretends getting banished didn’t tear him apart.
The elderly nurse lady told him he was given three weeks to stay before leaving. She said he was lucky he was allowed to stay for three weeks despite being banished.
Zuko misses when she looked at him fondly. But the lady soured, she soured when his mother left for good.
What hurt the most was Azula’s absence. Does she really not care? At all? He picks at his bandages and ignored the throbbing, hot pain in his face.
Maybe he was ugly and disfigured now, Zuko thought bitterly, Azula always wanted the best, prettiest things. Did that count for family, too? It’s not fair, he dug his nails into his palm. Why was Agni always against him?
A twisted smile curved onto his face, how ironic. He survived the Agni Kai and that’s supposed to mean he’s blessed by her – yet he couldn’t help but feel like it was the opposite; he felt cursed.
The letters Mai sent came slower and she mentioned Azula was deteriorating. That she was losing her kindness, even when Ty Lee cried. That she spent more time with da– Ozai. Azula was changing, ever since the Agni Kai.
At first, Zuko had been worried she was scared but if she’s getting all.. all buddy-buddy with Ozai, what would that mean?
“Damn it..” He hissed, digging the palm of his hand into his good eye, “Damn it!” Zuko, whose stuck on a medical bed, with an infected burn on half his face and after three days, his time in the Fire Nation would come to a close. Forever! And Azula’s off getting close with Ozai while he’s stuck suffering?
His palm is bleeding again. Zuko opens his mouth to call the elderly healer woman but closes it at the last second. There’s no point bothering her for something this small. To be honest, he just wants her to like him again.
It’ll never happen though, will it?
Azula hates him, D– Ozai hates him, Mother is presumably dead, nobody in the palace wants to associate with him and Mai’s letters are becoming shorter and shorter. It’s like nobody even cares about him.
No, no, no. Zuko will not cry here. He’s not a crybaby, no matter what Azula says! Uncle Iroh cares about him, the man is just busy setting up the.. Boat. His boat and his crew..Zuko gnaws on his lip. Is he ready to command a boat crew? Do they even want someone like him to lead them?
“You have that look on your face, Zuzu.”
Zuko snaps his eyes to the window, half shocked and half excited. “A-Azula? What are you doing here? ..And why are you in the window?” She was sitting in the open window, legs dangling out.
“I came to. Visit. You.” She bites out, looking anywhere but his face. This was weird. Azula was usually the composed, cool one. “You’re leaving in three days, huh. To capture the avatar. It’s a wild goose chase, Zuzu.” She stays in the window and refuses to come closer but Zuko can’t find it in himself to get mad.
Azula came to visit him! She cares. She’s here. Agni, he’d cry if he weren’t trying to act like this didn’t matter.
“How do you know? Maybe the Avatar is still out there. I’ll capture them and bring them here for father and get my honour back.” He tries not to fidget with his bandages. Does Azula think he can’t do this..?
She finally looks at him, eyes sharp and glinting – but when she looks at him, something softens. “I don’t want you to die, Zuzu. I mean, who’d be my punching bag if you’re not around? Besides, it’s a stupid mission.”
“Shut up, Lal– Azula.” Zuko scowls at her. Did she seriously come to try to talk sense into him? It’s not like he has anything else to do – he’s banished! He has to capture the Avatar. “Fine, I promise to not die. Happy?” Wait a second.. “Hey, I’m supposed to be the big brother! Stop acting like you’re older than me, you’re twelve!”
Azula giggles and covers it up with a smirk. But they both know she giggled like a little girl, because she is a little girl. Zuko’s little sister.
“Okay. Okay, Zuzu. I.. I love you.” She smiles a little and Zuko can’t help but realise how similar she looks to their mother. Was that why Azula refused to look in the mirror when her hair was down?
Before Zuko can respond, she jumps out the window. If he didn’t know her, he’d be a lot more worried but she’s fallen off higher buildings and come out fine.
Even though he knows she can't hear him, Zuko whispers softly, “I love you too, Azula.”